Beyond the Stereotype of Raising Teenagers: Brian & Jen Goins

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FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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The Teen Years

Guest:Brian and Jen Goins

From the series:The Teen Years (Day 1 of 1)

Air date:January 10, 2025

Brian:Our kids are going to work out their own, like we say, our kids are going to work out their own stupid. They got to figure out their own sin. They got to figure out that. I would rather my kids, and I remember as a pastor praying this is like, and as a parent, not just as a pastor, but as a parent, I would tell this to the congregation that whatever it takes for them to understand God’s grace, I want them to go through that.

Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave:And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

So parenting the teen years for us was, was it decades ago? It was over a decade ago when our three boys were teenagers. So here’s my question to you.

Ann:Just a little, yeah.

Dave:What words come to your mind when you think of those years? Give me one or two words.

Ann:Alright, first one would be fun. I loved parenting teenagers; was probably my favorite stage. Another word I would say is worrisome. I worried a lot. And the only other word that I come up with just quickly is it was super humbling. Because they’re like a mirror and they tell you all the things that they don’t like about you or that you’ve done wrong, or the things they’re doing, and the wrong decisions they’re making. It’s just super humbling. Would you agree with some of those?

Dave:Yeah, I mean, I didn’t worry at all, and I should have. I was like, “Ah, they’re making all kinds of great decisions.” And they weren’t. And you—

Ann:No, they made good decisions too.

Dave:They made some really good decisions, but I was also clueless. But we are 20 years removed. I just thought Cody’s 33, so we’re between 15 and 20 years removed from that. But we’ve got a couple in the studio, Brian Jen Goins are here. You guys aren’t that far away from the teen years. You don’t have a teenager literally anymore, but pretty close.

Ann: No, they do. They have one in their home.

Brian:We do. Hey, don’t call us too old yet.

Dave:What’s your youngest?

Jen:We have a 16-year-old in our house.

Dave:Oh, I thought it was 18.

Brian:No.

Ann:That’s still a teenager though.

Dave:That’s a teenager.

Jen:Yeah. We’ve got right in the middle of the teenage years with our youngest.

Brian:Yeah, just got his driver’s license so talk about worrisome.

Dave:Oh boy.

Brian:Yeah.

Ann:Oh, you’re relating to these words.

Brian:Yes, absolutely. And humbling and all of that, yeah. Fun.

Jen:And fun.

Brian:It’s fun. Yeah, I think those are all three great words.

Dave:Well, start here. We were always told before the teen years came, “These will be the worst. They’re going to be adults who are making bad decisions, especially as Christian parents trying to raise Christian men and women. These are going to be horrible years.” What were you told and what is the reality?

Jen:Well, I do think we were told that it was going to be horrible.

Dave:Really? You heard the same thing?

Jen:Yeah.

Brian:Yeah.

Jen:That it’s really hard.

Brian:The stakes are just higher, and the mistakes are greater, and you feel. I think earlier, it’s like when your kids are younger, unless they have significant special needs or something like that, you’re making through. And you might be physically exhausted, but you can kind of deal with that. And then you get to those middle years, those fourth, fifth, sixth grade years, and—

Jen:They’re gold.

Brian:They think you’re great. They think you can do no wrong

Jen:They can feed themselves and go to bed and sleep for hours.

Brian:They can go to the bathroom on their own. It’s awesome.

Ann:The Golden years.

Brian:And then they hit that—we knew it right when they would hit that moodiness. I remember when Brantley, I was like, “Oh, she’s moody now.

Ann:How old? Tell us how old the other kids are. So you have a 16-year-old son.

Jen:Then we have a 20-year-old son, 21-year-old son. And then we have a 24-year-old daughter.

Ann:Okay.

Brian:And so I remember a comedian used to say it’s like the reason why God wanted us to have teenagers was that he wanted us to know what it’s like to create something in our own image that denies our existence. And I think we feel that. You feel that at moments where you’re like, “Wait, I’m not the center of their attention anymore. I’m not the one they come to ask advice from.” They kind of shrug us off. We’ve felt all that.

Jen:So I think that they are, I’m not going to lie. They can be challenging. And some people have great teenage years and other people don’t.

Ann:And in the same family.

Jen:In the same family. That’s another thing is that all of our kids have caused us different joys and different pains. And so we have walked through that, and we’ve walked through some really hard things with our kids. I think our expectations, I have a friend who had the expectation that they would for sure make big mistakes and just expect it. And I didn’t really love that. That really always rubbed me the wrong way.

And I think it still might because I think you can have expectations and maybe they’ll be broken a little bit. But my expectations were the opposite. “My kids would never do that.” Brian and I both were actually pretty good teenagers, and we felt like we were pretty good parents. I mean, we’re married; we’re pretty kind.

Brian:We have really good views of ourselves.

Dave:That’s a good thing.

Jen:And those darn kids, they did whatever they wanted. And so my friend’s expectations were actually more realistic. But I still don’t think that you should just go in expecting they’re going to do really bad things. You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to go in with any just, I mean, I guess reality of they could, or they could not. Just be ready for both.

Ann:But either way, they’re not going to be perfect.

Jen:Exactly.

Ann:And they need to learn through life just as we do that some of the greatest learnings come through difficulty. We got this idea actually from a blog article by Tim Challies. Listen to this quote. “Many people cautioned me.” It’s just what you guys are saying. “Many people cautioned me about the teenage years. They told me horror stories based on their own experiences and then assured me that I should prepare myself for all kinds of difficulties and all kinds of sorrows. They were wrong. At least in our case they were wrong.” You’re kind of saying you kind of agree with that, but also—

Brian:Well, I definitely agree with that, but I think the thing we end up feeling is we put so much weight, and I still struggle with this. I put a lot of weight on when my kids do really, really bad, that it’s all my fault. And I probably put too much weight on when they’re—we take too much credit when they do wrong and we take too much credit when they do really, really great. And it just shows us that we’re probably making our kids to be an idol; that so much of it relates back to just us. God created us in His image, and it’s like there’s times where I wanted to create my kids in my image. I want them to be how I want them, expect them to be, how they should look, how athletic they should be. And if they don’t achieve any of that, then it’s all my fault. And so I think some of that shame and expectations, I think we can feel, and our kids are going to work out their own, like we say, our kids are going to work out their own stupid. They got to figure out their own sin. They got to figure out that. I would rather my kids, and I remember as a pastor praying this is like, and as a parent, not just as a pastor, but as a parent, I would tell this to the congregation that whatever it takes for them to understand God’s grace, I want them to go through that.

Ann:Yes.

Brian:Even if it means that they go through something that’s going to be ultimately hurtful to them and us, I would rather them go through that than they be on the best behavior, and we’ve got the perfect kids, the straight A’s, they played in all the sports, they did all the things and then at the end of it, they never actually found out what grace was about. They thought all Christianity was just being on good behavior. I wouldn’t want that.

Ann:And I’m thinking too of some of our friends. I remember they had this son that was gorgeous and beautiful, could have been a model. He was an amazing athlete. He had so many friends. I remember talking to them as he was in their teenage years and they said, “Everything has been handed to him on a silver platter. And there’s a part of him at this point, ‘Why do I need God? Life is great.’”

And they said, “There’s a part of us that we know that he’s going to go through difficulties, and he doesn’t have the foundation yet. He knows what our foundation is, but we’re just praying that he will find the foundation being Jesus who is the rock.” So it’s really different for all of us.

Dave:I mean, as you think about the teen years as a parent, what was or what is your vision? Do you have a goal? When we think about our kids, we are hoping this is the target we’re sort of shooting for as parents.

Brian:That’s a great question, Dave.

Jen:Yeah, I think it is that they—

Brian:They leave. I really want them to leave.

Dave: There you go.

Ann:Dave always says that.

Brian:Preferably on their own.

Jen:No, yes, they do leave but seek first the kingdom. Seek first the king and all these other things will be added to you. That would be our goal.

Dave:Matthew 6.

Jen:But they have their own choice. And so we provide the environment where that is pleasing, where that’s worked out, where reality happens and we’re always going back to our faith and falling on that. But we allow them to make their own decisions and love them through it all.

Brian:So I mean seeking first, I think being able to be kids that, and teens that actually become adults, that know what it means to work hard, that understand just the principles of good respect and those things where it’s like, “How do I?” I’m not preparing my kids to be just my kids the rest of my life. It’s like ultimately, we want them to be prepared for marriage, for life, for how do I actually navigate this world in a way that ultimately isn’t going to cause me more harm?

And so I think really just seeing these teen years as it’s my opportunity to help prepare them for what’s ahead. I think too often we think, “I’m preparing them for college. I just need to get them to college. If I could just get them through school.” And again, that’s important if you’re kids end up going to college, but then what? Are they prepared to actually love another human being well? Are they prepared to actually hold down a job and knows what it means to be able to work hard? And are they prepared to take responsibility and not just be consumers in this world? So I think that’s some of our goals.

Jen:Those are some of our goals.

Dave:Here’s something I just thought of. I don’t know if you can do this, especially on air without thinking about it and even talking about it, but—

Brian:I can’t wait for this.

Dave:One of the things that Ann and I did way back, and it was in a series I was doing at church on parenting was I encouraged families to say take your last name and use those letters as an acrostic to say, “What are the values of our home?”

Jen:That’s good. I know the G.

Dave:Yeah, I was just going to say, could you do a Goins? I’m trying to instill this in my sons and daughters. Could you do it real quick, G?

Jen:Yeah. I would say G would be grit.

Dave:Grit.

Jen:Grit is one of the things that our kids need and more kids need grit. Grit means it’s hard. Give them hard challenges. Give them things to do. Give them work to do. If they fail, don’t try to protect them from failure or from a hard teacher or from a hard friendship or from a hard situation. Don’t pull them out because grit is one of the number one things that kids need as an adult.

Our daughter just got her fourth or fifth rejection on a job. She’s 24, she has a college degree, and she keeps getting these rejections. It takes grit to say, I got to keep going. I got to get out my computer again and go do more applications. And we saw her a couple years ago, she had some rejections from jobs, and it just devastated her. And now it’s devastating her but we’re seeing a lot more, she can bounce back a lot better.

Dave:She’s getting grit.

Jen:G is grit.

Brian:G is grit. I think own for O; Goins, so G-O-I-N-S.

Dave:We have Wilson. So it’s a lot harder.

Brian:It is a lot harder.

Dave:This should be easy.

Brian:I feel bad for—

Jen:We’re so good at this.

Brian:I feel bad for if your last name is really like Briarson or something like that. That’d be terrible. So this—

Jen:Uszynski

Brian:Yeah, our friends, Uszynskis. I was like, wow, that’d be a terrible thing to have to come up with. So Dave, I don’t know about this idea.

Ann:You could have a U and a Z.

Dave:U, I’m afraid it would be an umbrella.

Brian:So for us, we only have five letters. It’s fairly simple.

Jen:I love this.

Brian:Own your faith, whatever it might be.

Dave:That’s good.

Brian:If you really believe, if you don’t necessarily believe in God, okay, well own that. Be ready for the questions that are going to come with that to be able to, how do you actually look at this world and how do you see it and perceive it? Let’s own your faith. We made it a point that we were not going to press our kids towards baptism or towards making a decision.

Ann:We did the same.

Brian:It had to be on their terms. And again, for those that have been baptized early, and I was baptized at nine, I don’t want to get into whether or not it’s good or bad, but it’s like there’s at some point where, are they doing it to please their parents? Or are they doing it because they really have understood the gospel and what it means to be buried in His death and to identify with Him in His life? And what does that mean for how I perceive the world? Is it just about getting to heaven or is it about going through hell if it means following Christ? That I’m willing to follow Him, whatever it leads to. So I think owning your faith. I, I think would be invest in others that it would be—

Dave:Way to go.

Ann:Jen is shaking her head, “Yeah, that’s a good one.”

Jen:Shoot, I don’t know an I.

Brian:Yeah, you got to get ready for the N. So I’ll vamp here for you for just a second.

Jen:Don’t do it.

Brian:But invest in others that life really, and I think this is hard for me right now with our kids, especially with screens.

Ann:Yes.

Brian:Screens are training them for a lack of empathy; that they really aren’t identifying with their world around them. And it’s investing in them to just always be on, to be entertained, to have noise, to not be ready to go, “Where are the needs that are around?”

Dave:It’s, invest in me.

Brian:It’s, invest in me.

Dave:It really is.

Brian:And so how do I help them and put them in places where they invest in others? Getting them on mission trips I think is huge. Sending them to places where you know, having them volunteer, whether it’s a church or other in your community. But even in the mornings, one thing that I try to tell Gibson every day is I used to say, “Have a great day.” And it’s like, no, “Make it a great day,” and “Make somebody else’s day great.” How do we move towards that?

Ann:So he’s not a consumer as much as—

Brian:Well, he’s a consumer. He’s 16 years old.

Jen:He’s a 16-year-old boy.

Brian:He’s definitely a consumer and it’s a pain too. We’ll be watching a show as a family, and I look over and he’s on his phone. It’s like, “Son, how many times do we have to say we’re not having two screens at one time?” Even just saying that, it’s like, I can’t believe that’s the battle we’re in right now. But we are.

Ann:I think even going along with that, I think of, I remember coming out of church with them—mind you, their dad’s a pastor, but I remember asking them, “So what’d you guys think?” Instead of, “Hey guys, what do you feel like God was saying to you today? What do you think?” It gave them this, “It wasn’t very good,” or “It was good.” So again, they become consumers at church. That wasn’t good for me. And so I just, who cares? Instead of, “I don’t care where you are, God’s going to speak in some way so keep your ears open of what in the sermon or the worship or something that God ministered to you or spoke to you.” I did that poorly. “Hey, what’d you think of the service today?” Bad.

Dave:“Scale one to ten, Dad was a three again.”

Alright, Jen, you got the N.

Jen:No.

Brian:No, I thought you had it. I gave you a little bit time.

Ann:N’s not an easy one.

Jen:No, and I was thinking—

Ann:Oh, we have an N, don’t we?

Jen:You have an N?

Brian:What’s your N? Give us an N so we can adopt it. I have the S.

Dave:I don’t know what you’re thinking.

Ann:I can’t remember because we’ve done this.

Dave:We did more of a mission statement, but we did have W, work hard; I, integrity; L, love God and love others; O, overcome; and I think N was never quit.

Brian:That’s what I was going to put, but it was never quit. But we have grit, which is kind of the same.

Jen:I was going to say no one left behind and just like you—

Ann:I like it.

Jen:Yeah, you—

Brian:Well you say this a lot. I really appreciate Jen will say, “Is there anybody on your team that you feel like is a loner?” And she hates it when she goes into a school and sees a kid eating by himself at lunch.

Jen:I’ve been a substitute teacher and then I also work at my churches with the school. And if I see kids eating alone, I don’t know why, I’ll think about that the rest of the day; that that poor child had to sit alone at school. And so I’m always telling Gibson, if there’s someone who’s by themselves, can you please no one left behind to get them.

Ann:That’s a good one.

Dave:That’s good.

Brian:Yeah. Maybe that’ll be it. And then I think show gratitude, or it could be serve. There’s a lot of s’s we could do with s’s. In fact, I challenged my kids with five S’s that they should be asking every day.

Jen:Yeah, he just came up with this in the last what, year.

Ann:I’m going to write them down, right now.

Jen:Yeah, they’re really good.

Brian:This is something I hope I remember them all and since we’re putting on, but have you savored God today or how have you savored God today?

Ann:What’s that mean?

Brian:Well, just the idea that in the Psalm where it says, “Taste and see that God is good.” It’s not just, have I studied His Word? Which is important and that’s how I can savor, but it’s like there are things in creation that I can look out and see God. Is there a good meal that I can have with my family? I’m savoring a moment with God and with others. And so how have I savored God today?

How have I served others? Is there something I’ve done to serve others? Have I sweat today? There’s neurological evidence of just taking a moment to sweat every day; 20 to 30 minutes is like getting a shot of Prozac. I mean it does help our brains. It helps everything about us and just to be good stewards of our body. So savoring God, serving others. Have I sweat today? Have I showed gratitude today? Have I just said stopped and said thank you that I’ve even woke up and had breath in my lungs and now I’m trying to think what the last one was.

Dave:Have I showered today?

Brian:Have I showered today?

Dave:There you go.

Brian:That would be it. That would be the 16-year-old.

Dave:Yeah. You think about it. I’m going to pause real quick. I want to ask you another couple questions because you’re in still the parenting years, but I’m going to say this to our listener. We have a ton, and I mean a ton of great parenting help at FamilyLife Today, and you can get it. Here’s how you get it. FamilyLife.com/ParentingHelp. If you want help parenting teens, toddlers, adult kids, we’ve got it all. You guys know that. You develop a lot of that content, even what you’re saying right here, we’ll put that on there when you get your last S.

Brian:Yeah, I’ve got it. I’ve got it.

Ann:Oh you already—

Brian:Yes, I’ve got it.

Dave:Just let me remind you. FamilyLife.com/ParentingHelp. We will help you. Alright, what is it?

Brian:So the last one, so have I savored God today? Have I served others? Have I shown gratitude? Have I sweat today? And how did I steward my time and my money? Because that ultimately is where our heart is. Where our treasure is, there our heart is also. And I think with how we spend our time and so much of it can go towards things that will make us consumers, the Netflix series, all that kind of stuff. But have I taken time to study His Word? Have I taken time to be with others? Have I taken, where does my time go? Because we can’t get it back. Same thing with money. Is it going to the right places? Is it going to places that would honor God?

Jen:And it is a good thing because in our culture today, our kids, I’m sure you’ve seen this, our kids are used to driving through Starbucks, getting the snacks, eating out a lot more probably than we ever ate out.

Dave:Yeah, definitely.

Jen:Yeah, I know. And so not to be like, “Hey, our generation was so much more better than you and you do all this stuff,” but just where’s your money going? And he’s been doing good, because our son right now is really into getting coffee. He just started driving. So he has that freedom to run through the drive through; to have a little bit more freedom with that kind of thing. And so we just challenge him. And again, not guilt, but how are you spending your money?

Dave:You want coffee, you get enough money to pay for your coffee.

Brian:Which he’s working but again, it all comes down to—

Dave:What are you doing?

Brian:Is it just kind of going out through the other end or am I setting some of that aside?

Ann:Yeah, that’s good.

Dave:Well, here’s my question as we—

Brian:So that put us on the spot, I liked, I don’t know if I will remember all five of those.

Ann:Hey, you guys, that was good. You should high five each other.

Dave:It’s recorded.

Jen:He just came up with that about, I don’t know, six months ago, eight months ago.

Brian:That’s good.

Jen:Been giving it to our kids.

Brian:We did that whole together for our name though. I like that.

Ann:I think that would be a fun exercise for family to do. And our kids would say at that point of teenagers—

Dave:I’m laughing because I know just what you’re going to say.

Ann:They’re like whatever. They don’t even care about it. If we ask them, do you guys know what our mission statement was? They’d say no.

Dave:And honestly, you know what? They don’t need to know. You need to know. Parents need to know.

Brian:Why is that? Tell us about that. I feel like I do feel a little sense of I want to be intentional with my kids and I fail more times than I’m successful. And then I feel super guilty about that. But even when I am intentional, I’m like, what I hear you saying is their response almost doesn’t matter. Is that what you’re saying?

Dave:Well, what I’m saying is, and we wrote a book on this and the subtitle was The Secret to Parent or something like that. I don’t remember, but it was life changing. I tell you.

Brian:No Perfect Parents, great book. If you have not read it, I’m going to plug it for you.

Dave:It was the one secret that changes everything, and everybody thought the secret, “Oh, we know it’s Jesus.” And of course it is Jesus, but our thought was most parents, Christian or not, especially in the church, raise kids with no target in mind.

They’re just, “We want to raise kids that are believers. We want them to be happy and successful,” and all those things are wonderful and we’re like, “The bar’s too low.” There’s a higher call that God has for us. It’s really Deuteronomy 6, love the Lord God with all your heart, soul, and mind. We want kids that love the Lord with all our heart, soul, and mind when they’re adults. It isn’t even like, are they that at 17? I hope they are but if they’re not, that’s not the goal. When they’re 30 or when they’re 25, that’s the goal. So like you said earlier, if they’re making some bad decisions at 17 that teach them grace, guess what? They’re headed toward the goal, which is…

So we wrote out a whole little mission statement. We actually called one of our sons with Bob Lepine on FamilyLife Today. He was having us talk about this and he goes, “Do your kids know this?” And I go, “I don’t think so. Let’s call them.” He called them.

Ann:I mean we talked about it, but I don’t think they’ll know that this was our mission statement.

Dave:He called Cody, our youngest who’s in ministry and he is a pastor. And Cody goes, I have no idea. It was something good, but—

Brian:One of the proudest moments of your life.

Dave:No, that was great. And the key is it doesn’t matter if they know because then they’re going to hold you to it and you’re going to fail.

Ann:But I would say he is living out those things.

Dave:Ours was just, we put to train and launch L three warriors who make a dent where they’re sent.

Jen:What’s L three?

Dave:And again, that’s a Wilson thing that you go, what’s L three? Very simple is the training part and the launching part are Deuteronomy six as you walk along the way. And that’s sort of strategic but love the Lord your God. So that’s the target. So L three was three core values at our church, Kensington that we said

Ann:That you helped create.

Dave:We created saying, okay, if somebody came here and came to Christ and grew as the disciple, what would that look like? We got to sort of have it. And so we came up with this simple thing: love, lock, live. Love God and others. It’s what Jesus answered when he said, “What’s most important?” Love God and others. Lock arms in community so you don’t do it alone and then live with, live open handedly. It’s what you said earlier is all the gifts and talents I have, the money, everything, it’s not for me. It’s to be a blessing to others. So everything God’s given me, see others, invest in others. So that was L three.

So we’re like, wow, if our sons, when they’re men are loving God and others, they’re in community and they’re living open handedly, they’re making a dent where they’re sent. You’ve heard me to say a million times, is they have this perspective that I’m on this planet to make an impact for the kingdom, for the gospel. My eyes are like this. That’s a target we’re searching for.

So again, the only reason we say that’s important is because this, in any business, any team, any ministry, if you don’t know what you’re shooting at, you can’t develop a plan to get there. So once you know your target, now you work back and say, “Okay, that’s the target. When my kid’s 16, what’s that mean? What are my rules on dating? What are my rules on social media?” and all the stuff you’re doing.

So that’s all that meant. And so a fun way to do that was say, take your last name and come up with some values. They’re going to fit under that thing. So that was fun to watch you do this. So here’s my question, all that to say, as parents of teens, what would you say don’t do?

Ann:Yeah, we’ve only got a few minutes.

Dave:Or definitely do. What not to do? What to do? Because parents are like, “Tell me what to do.”

Brian:Well, even as I hear you talking about that, they could be feeling like this, “Man, I haven’t hit any of those bars. I’m not even near Target. I haven’t even thought about that.”

Ann:I haven’t thought what the plan is.

Brian:I don’t even know what the plan is. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail, all that. You start to hear all that. And then I know where I go, my head just start spiraling down into depressionville and that’s where I like to stay. So I’d say don’t give up. Don’t give up. And generally what’ll happen is even when you present this kind of stuff and you let you come up with something cool and then you present it to your teenagers and they’re just, they just eye roll or they just go, “Man, that’s okay, that’s fine.” And I would say keep at it, keep doing it, keep moving. They will remember it and they will, if anything, they’ll remember that you’re being intentional. So don’t give up. That’d be the thing I’d say. Keep pursuing relationship.

Jen:And the part of that goes into if your kids have made a lot of mistakes or if they’ve disappointed you, to don’t use shame and guilt. Make your home a place where they do not feel full of shame or feel guilt. Because they will go find love and acceptance other places and you don’t want that.

One of the things about Brian, we’ve always kind of joked that in our family, I was pretty good with the younger kids because I’m pretty black and white. Yes and no. I was good with discipline. I could kind of say no and mean it, but I was still loving. And he sometimes has a hard time and he’s more like, let’s talk about this. I’m like, how do you talk about it with a 3-year-old?

But then when the kids got older and my black and white didn’t work quite as well, and he’s talking with them about it and walking through them and I’m like, “Wait a minute, I want to—no, they can’t do that.” And he’s like, “Well, we need to talk to them about that. Now they really do need an answer of why it’s right and wrong. And so it was great. I feel like we locked arms in that way, although with a lot of frustration.

Ann:Dave has that same gift. I feel like I’m freaking out and he’s like, “We’re okay. They’re okay.”

Jen:I know.

Brian:Yeah. Just to even remember that God loves your kids far more than you do. And to remember that they’re on their own path and their journey wasn’t our journey and they did things that we didn’t do, but our hope was, “How do we keep pointing them back to the Father?” We’re going to be imperfect parents, so how do we keep pointing them back to the perfect parent?

Jen:And keep loving them and wanting them back at our home? So do have fun in your home.

Brian: Yeah.

Dave:Yeah.

Ann:I’m just going to add this too, because I really struggled with this. I felt often like a failure, parenting. When they were little because I would yell or whatever. And then when they get older, if they would mess up, I feel like just what you said, Brian, “It’s all on me. It’s my fault.” And there is a father of lies, the enemy of our soul who constantly is bringing shame, guilt, all of that on us. I think God’s cheering us on and He gets rebellious children because of us. And so I love your tips. I love what you guys are saying. Don’t you think it’s helpful?

Dave:Oh, I think it’s so helpful. I think for a lot of parents in that stage, it’s a hard stage. And to hear us even say, “Oh, it’s a great time.” They may not be feeling that right now. So I think your words are like, keep in the fight.

Brian:Well, and I’d say don’t do it alone. There’s others that are actually, it’s like we feel shame about our kids, and I think the enemy gets a foothold in our life. And so if we can actually let light into that darkness by just sharing it with other parents, it encourages you to realize, “Oh, we’re not the only people that feel like terrible parents and our kids are actually doing stuff that your kids are probably doing.” And so all of a sudden, we go through it with community. That’s what you said, lock in. Lock in with others. That’s why you lock in.

Dave:Yeah. The only thing I would add, and I don’t know if this is a wrap or not, but I think at the teenage years, the thing our kids are watching more than anything is us.

Brian:Yeah, that’s right.

Dave:I mean we can have all the rules and the curfews and all that’s important, but they’re literally watching our model and they’re going to do more what we do than what we say. It’s so true and it’s scary to think, but they are watching, do we control our anger? Do we control lust? Do we control the things we’re asking them to control do? Do they see it modeled?

Brian:Yeah.

Dave:I mean it feels like a weight, but at the same time, God meets you there and says, “I can live in you in such a way that your kids are going to want to be what you are.”

Brian:And I would just say, just to add, I know you want to wrap it. I would just say do keep building into each other. It’s too often that our kids end up coming in between our marriage, creating distance. And actually what they need now, especially more than anything else, is for your teens to see you guys still in love with each other, still pursuing each other still.

I mean, Jen made a comment the other day that our kids are like, “Oh, why do you say that?” She was talking about making out with me or something like that. It’s like, that seems gross to them, but underneath they’re like, that’s actually what they want. They want to see—

Dave:Security.

Brian:—two parents that are in love with each other and that they want to stay in love with each other long after these kids are gone. God designed these kids to live in our house rent free for 18 years, and then they’re supposed to be gone. And it’s like, we want this, and we want them to actually live to that standard one day. That’s what we want for their life. So I think that’s right on Dave, what you’re saying.

Dave:Finally, somebody agrees with me.

Ann:I agree with you, honey.

We’re Ann and Dave Wilson and you’re listening to FamilyLife Today. Aren’t you glad that I am always agreeing with you?

Dave:I’m glad you agree with me, and if you want some help on parenting, you can go to FamilyLife.com/ParentingHelp, and you will find all kinds of great resources there.

Alright, I’ve got a quick question. How would you honestly rate your marriage on a scale of one to ten? I’m waiting; you rating your marriage? I tell you what, most of us are probably rating it lower than we want it to be. And we’ve got good news for you because we’ve got a weekend that can help you get that marriage number higher.

Ann:Listen to what a wife of 27 years said about her experience at a Weekend to Remember marriage conference. She said, “I found my best friend again, just getting away together and focusing on only us was just what we needed. The sessions were timed perfectly, ordered intentionally, and feel a new hope going home.” Dave and I have been speaking for these conferences for 35 years, and now through January 20th, the registration will be half off, so you don’t have much time. Sign up today.

Dave:Don’t wait. Visit WeekendtoRemember.com to find a date and a location that works for you. You can go anywhere you want in the country, and you’ll save 50 percent. Let me tell you, your marriage is worth it, and you want to get that number higher. So sign up today.

So coming up next week, we’ve got Dave and Ashley Willis, some of our favorites talking about Naked and Healthy. I don’t even know if I’m going to tell you what that’s about, but it’s not just what you think. It’s actually a holistic lifestyle that nurtures your mind, body, and spirit, and your marriage. And trust me, it is one you don’t want to miss.

Ann:And we’ll see you back next week on FamilyLife Today.

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