Building a Legacy of Love Through Intentional Fatherhood: Jerrad Lopes & Bobby Markham

Episode Transcript

FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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Building a Legacy of Love Through Intentional Fatherhood

Guests:Jerrad Lopes, Bobby Markham

From the series:How to Become a Great Dad (Day 2 of 3)

Air date:February 27, 2025

Jerrad:I honestly go in with no agenda. We just go on a walk and sometimes I’ve even kind of made it a fun little game in my head where I will just start walking and I won’t be the first to talk. So I’ll just start walking and just in silence and then just without fail every time all four of my kids will just start on some monologue, whether it’s about their day or their friends, each of them on their own just loves having one-on-one time with Daddy where they can talk about whatever they want.

Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave:And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Okay, we’ve got a couple guys in the studio today. It’s going to be pretty cool.

Ann:Do you like it when you have a couple men in here with you?

Dave:Well, who cares what I think? What do you think?

Ann:I like it.

Dave:You’re the only woman. I’m usually the only guy.

Ann:I always like being around guys too.

Dave:You’re a boy mom. And so anyway, we’ve got Jerrad Lopes back with us, Dad Tired. We had Jerrad here on a previous episode, but we’ve got Bobby Markham in the studio. Bobby works here at FamilyLife. In fact, Jerrad, Bobby was probably your connection as you got to the building.

Jerrad:Oh yeah, he drove me over here.

Dave:Yeah. Bobby, tell our listeners what you do.

Ann:Bobby is one of the best dads that I’ve ever met in my life.

Bobby:Thank you, Ann. That’s very gracious.

Dave:That is a high compliment.

Bobby:That is a very high compliment.

Dave:We’ve got two great dads sitting here.

Ann:Yeah.

Bobby:Oh man.

Dave:Two out of three ain’t bad.

Ann:What are you talking about? You’re amazing.

Dave:Yeah, so tell our listeners what you do at FamilyLife.

Ann:And about your family too.

Bobby:Okay, I’ve been married for 25 years to Rebecca.

Dave:And you can catch a little accent.

Bobby:Yeah.

Dave:Where’s the accent from?

Bobby:That’s Arkansas for you.

Dave:Okay, alright.

Bobby:Yes, country accent from Arkansas. We’re missionaries and we get to serve on this incredible team vetting guests for this show and doing a lot of other cool stuff, but I love interacting with guys like Jerrad.

Dave:Nobody would ever guess that you’ve got a hip-hop rap background.

Bobby:Oh, let’s not bring that up.

Dave:Jerrad’s like—

Jerrad:I feel like that’s the only thing we should bring up.

Ann:See, right Jerrad?

Bobby:Oh no, let’s not even go there Dave.

Ann:Could you dance?

Jerrad:Can you just give us a sneak peek? What do you mean?

Bobby:Oh, please don’t. Please don’t.

Jerrad:Like you personally; you are the hip hop…

Bobby:That was buried with Jesus Christ.

Jerrad:That’s incredible.

Bobby:Yeah, so I have five kids.

Jerrad:He’s changing the subject.

Bobby:And all growing up, they would always ask me, what was your name? What was your hip hop name? And I would never tell them. I was like, “No, that’s gone.”

Dave:You’re not going to tell us.

Bobby:“I’m not bringing that up. It’ll never go away.

Ann:I want to check it out right now.

Bobby:It will never go away.

Dave:Hey, it’s buried. It’s dead. We’re not going to…

Jerrad:It’s not buried in my mind. I’m going to tell you that as soon as we’re done recording, I’m going to get it out of him.

Dave:Yeah, we got to do it. You got a daughter getting married?

Bobby:Yes. Yes.

Ann:Your oldest daughter’s getting married.

Bobby:My oldest daughter. We have five children, years 20 to 10, two girls and three boys, and our oldest daughter is getting married. It’s a big time.

Dave:Yeah, we brought you in. Jerrad’s going to talk about a video that went viral, but it’s bigger than the video. It’s really a great dad concept of how to be a dad.

Ann:Bobby, you’ve always been super intentional with your kids, and you’ve spent time very specifically with each of them. Share a little bit about that. I think it’s really pretty cool.

Bobby:I would say it’s been about ten or twelve years ago when our kids were, my oldest daughter was six to eight years old. We started what we initially just would call special times. We didn’t really know what to call it, but every Friday night to keep from losing connection with different kids. When you have a family of five kids, it’s easy to not realize what’s going on in somebody’s life.

Every Friday night we will take a time where one of the kids will be with me and we will stay up late. We’ll find a game, whether it’s a board game, card game, video game to play. We’ll have a late-night snack, and other people might have to go to bed by this time so it’s kind of a special night with them. And then we might stay up till midnight or after. And so we’ll separate in the house and have our own individual time.

Dave:Is this something they really look forward to?

Bobby:Yes, and it’s amazing that even when our girls were 18, they would get excited that it was special time night, and they would look forward to that. And that’s always been such a gift, something that we’ve been able to treasure; that they weren’t looking forward to getting away from us, but to have that time.

One of the special things that my wife really started initiating in that was being intentional to ask them during that time, “How can I be praying for you?” Just to have a moment to ask that question and you never know what’s going to come into that conversation and then stop and pray, pray with them, and then you just move on, and you got your candy and popcorn and whatever you’re doing. But it’s just being intentional, and it’s built a really lasting impact in our relationship with our kids.

Ann:I bet you feel like you know each of them.

Bobby:Yes, there’s always surprises. We’re not a perfect family either, and we have hiccups and struggles and things like that, but this really keeps us grounded together. My dad who also lives with us, he always jokes, “Whose special time is it tonight?” because every night in this household is a special time. Because this is turned into not just ours with our children, but our daughters have a night that they do together. Our sons have a night that they do together.

Ann:That’s so sweet.

Bobby:And then my dad has a night now that he rotates through the kids and so it’s built over the years.

Jerrad:I want to be part of your family, man.

Dave:I was just thinking “Can I come over this weekend?”

Ann:I know. I told you he’s a good dad.

Dave:Dave and Ann’s special night. What’s really funny is I get to look at you and there’s Rebecca, she’s filming you through the window. We do have five cameras capturing this whole thing.

Ann:She knows.

Dave:But that’s the uniqueness of family, I think, because we’re all different but we have a—I mean that’s a beautiful… I mean the thing is people can hear that and think We can do that.” And they’re going to hear what Jerrad did and they can do the same thing. It’s like it’s transferable; it’s spending time.

Ann:Jerrad, do you have any thoughts about that?

Jerrad:Well, first you said your daughter’s about to get married, right?

Bobby:Yes.

Jerrad:It just is making me teary eyed thinking about that. I have three daughters, but I’m just imagining my three-year-old, five-year-old when they’re little baby girls and how excited they would be to hear about a special night of sleepover and then actually recently my daughter had this little dress, this was this last week and she said, daddy, can you zip this up for me? And she put her head down and I’m going to get teary eyed just thinking about this dumb story. But she whipped her hair over so I could zip up the back of her dress and I just had this flash of her wedding and I’m like, “I can’t do this. I’m going to absolutely bawl.”

Dave:She’s three years old.

Jerrad:Yeah.

Dave:Wow.

Bobby:I’ve got goosebumps as you’re talking about that because we’ve had that same experience. This is pretty emotional, but I’ll share with this with you real quick. A week and a half ago, my daughter, I get a text from her “Daddy” exclamation mark. I’m like, “Yes.” And she’s like, “We forgot something.” Like “What?” She said, “We need to practice our daddy daughter dance.”

Jerrad:Oh dude, don’t do it.

Ann:I’m already crying.

Bobby:I was like, “You’re right, and I probably need to stop talking.” I told her “I’m already getting emotional, just texting.” She said, “Me too.” Our Friday night came around for our final special time of her living with us and we were both exhausted that day. And so we both agreed to punt it to the next day. The next day came, and it was a wedding shower and exhausted the end of the day and said, “Let’s punt it till after church on Sunday.”

And so Sunday comes and we didn’t punt it this time. We have a song that started when she was eight years old. I got a book called Dance Me, Daddy, and it’s a book about a dad who would dance his little daughters on his tiptoes and the story progresses through the teen years up until she gets married. And now she comes home, and he’s got gray hair and before she leaves the visit, she always has one last dance.

The book came with a CD with a song called “King of the World.” We would put it on and do that dance when she was eight years old, and Abigail was six years old. We would do that all the time and them giggling and us just twirling and being silly and all that and they would always say, “We’re going to do that when we get married,” and you don’t know that that’s going to come to fruition all these years later, but it came up and this is what she wanted to do.

And so we get into the room, and I bring out the Bluetooth speaker and as I start the song and the second the words kicked in the song, we both just became a mess. She laid her head on my shoulder, I laid my head on her shoulder, and we went in a circle and cried the entire song. As the song was ending, I backed up and I was like, “I think we needed the cry more than we needed the dance.” And she said, “It won’t be the last time.” And then she proceeded to honor me, and I want to share just a second.

I won’t say the whole thing here, but this is the gist of what she was saying. “Thank you for everything you did for me growing up. You really set the example for the kind of guy for me to look for and now I found him and he’s the man that you and mama have prayed for since before I was born. Even though I’ll be moving out, this isn’t the end of anything. I can’t wait to see the memories that we will continue to create in the future.” And I’m telling you, I don’t even know if the actual daddy daughter dance in the wedding is going to top that moment for me because it was just the two of us.

Ann:It’s so personal.

Bobby:It’s so private and I had no anticipation that she would speak to me like that.

Jerrad:Well thanks Bobby.

Dave:Yeah, thanks Bobby.

Jerrad:Holy cow dude; that is so beautiful.

Ann:Bobby, that is like incredible.

Jerrad:What a gift, man, that God would give you. We don’t always get to see the fruit of the things that, the seeds that we’re trying to plant and the fact that God would give you just His grace and His goodness to say, “Let me give you just to let you see some of the fruit of all those seeds you’ve been planting all these years.” Good job, man.

Bobby:Thank you. I saw the video you guys are going to be talking about in the little viral moment that you’ve had. It immediately brought all of this flooding in, and Jerrad is walking the same path that we’ve been walking for all these years, and he’s headed towards some sweet things.

Jerrad:No, I don’t want to get there. I just want my babies to stay three and five.

Dave:Yeah, well, that’s not going to happen.

Ann:I’m guessing most people don’t know, but you’ve been discipling her fiancé.

Bobby:Yeah, we’ve been spending time together and he came to me when he first approached my daughter. She was like, “Well, you have to talk to my dad.” It was just a really special moment because I didn’t know him very well. I’d seen him at church a lot, but I didn’t know him well, but I told him that the fact that I didn’t know him didn’t put him behind the curve because I love and trust my daughter’s judgment so much that I think you’re the right guy.

We talked that first day and I shared my testimony and asked him to share his. He was a smart man because he hired my daughter to be his piano teacher. She teaches piano and he wanted to get near her and I remember seeing him one time pull out a melted chocolate truffle from his pocket to give her because he found out that was her favorite candy. And so at the end of our time together, I wanted to bless him because he was about to go in and have his first private sit down with my daughter and I had for him a whole bag of chocolate truffles to take into her as a gift from him.

She gave me a hug and I walked past and then he came up and handed them to her. She was so excited that he had those for her, and he didn’t say they were from me. He gave them to her, and she gives him a hug and he’s looking over her shoulder and I’m standing behind him with my two thumbs up. Like right on; good job man. And just wanting to set him up for success because I could tell that he was the kind of man that she needed and she just based off of her judgment, she’s a good and godly girl, so.

Ann:I told you he was a good dad.

Jerrad:I need to spend more time with Bobby.

Ann:I know, we all do. We should have Bobby time. Bobby, I’ll say this too, as a grown woman, there is not a woman on the planet who doesn’t long for that with her dad. I want to ask all you guys, maybe a dad’s feeling like it’s too late, “My daughter is already married,” or “She’s a teenager now it will be awkward.”

Dave:Or “We don’t have a good relationship.”

Ann:As she’s gotten older, now it feels awkward. What would you say to those dads? and not just, I’m thinking of all of you.

Bobby:Yeah, I would say just laying a foundation of being quick to repent. I’ve always told people that one of the key things in my relationships with my kid because I mess up all the time, is to be able to ask for forgiveness. And I think that’s always a great place to start and to initiate and be able to express what it is that you desire and that you do desire to be there but you haven’t been there maybe, and please forgive me or please forgive me for this very thing, whatever that is, and just laying that groundwork to get there and I think that’s a great place to start.

Dave:What do you think, Jerrad?

Jerrad:I was going to say, what do you think Ann? Because it seems like from a woman’s perspective, what would you long for if you were in that situation, what would you long for?

Ann:I think that. I think every little girl and woman longs for her dad to see her, to notice her, to appreciate her, to compliment her, and my dad was really absent when I was little, but I mean he was in his nineties. I feel like he loved me best as he got older, but he also apologized. He’s like, “I wasn’t there for you when you were little, and I regret that.” Man, I just cried when he said that. I thought, “Here I am. I’m a grown woman.” I know all of that, and yet there’s something very healing like a balm that we all long for our dad’s approval and for him to say, “I know maybe it’s felt weird,” or “I’ve been distant, but I want to know you.” Oh, every girl would melt before her dad.

Dave:Yeah, for sure. Let me just stop for a second and say, if you’re a parent and you’re resonating with this, we know it’s really, really hard.

Ann:So we’ve pulled together some of our most helpful parenting pieces into one spot for you.

Dave:Go to FamilyLife.com/ParentingHelp. Did you write that down or are you typing it in right now? Here it is again, FamilyLife.com/ParentingHelp. So go there now.

Jerrad, tell us about this Ring doorbell video.

Jerrad:I started doing Daddy walks with my daughters and my son. Mainly my son was, he had just turned 13 and I felt like I was just losing touch with, as he entered into those early teen years. I’m like, “Man, I need”—I couldn’t find the thing that was allowing us to connect and so I’m like, “I’m just going to take him on walks.” It was like 15 minutes basically around the block, easy stuff.

So I started doing that with each kid. They all have their night of the week that they get to go on a daddy walk. I took my three-year-old, they go in order of age, so it’s my oldest to the youngest is how the week progresses. I took my three-year-old on a walk and she’s just talking her little heart out and we got done and as we were walking back in the house, she said, “Hug, Daddy.” And so I went and gave her a hug and then she gave me this big kiss as we were walking in.

I just pulled up the Ring footage to show my wife look at this little moment that she did as we were walking back in the house and then I thought the ring is capturing this every time we go on these walks as we’re coming back in. So I just compiled all of that into one little video. I mean there’s like 50 million views or so. It just went berserk. We’ve never done anything that, but views aside, who cares about that? My kids don’t know anything about the views or care about social media at all, but to this day, every day they say, daddy, is it my turn again? Is it my turn for the walk? I’ve had a lot of people since that video went so viral asking, what do you say?

What questions do you ask? I honestly go in with no agenda. We just go on a walk and sometimes I’ve even kind of made it a fun little game in my head where I will just start walking and I won’t be the first to talk. So I’ll just start walking and just in silence and then just without fail every time all four of my kids will just start on some monologue, whether it’s about their day or their friends, or the bugs that they want to see or talk about, but each of them on their own just loves having one-on-one time with Daddy where they can talk about whatever they want.

Bobby:It’s beautiful.

Ann:How did you approach it for the first time, Jerrad? How did you ask them?

Jerrad:I literally just said, “Let’s go on a walk.”

Ann:And they wanted to.

Jerrad:Yeah, all of them wanted to. My 13-year-old boy was the only one who kind of like, “Oh Dad, I want to do this game,” or “I want to go play with my friends.” But the girls especially, they are begging for it. I also did a thing where they each think that they’re the only ones who get a lollipop, so I bought a huge bag of lollipop suckers, and they think that they’re the only one that gets it. They think it’s their secret. They don’t know that each of them gets that on each walk.

Ann:So they eat it on the walk.

Jerrad:So as we go on a walk, I pull out the sucker. They get to have the sucker as we walk. But yeah, the girls especially love it, but it’s been, again, I’m trying to navigate teenage years, which is, I just stepped into it and it’s difficult and pray for me. I’m going to pick your brain on all the…

Ann:What kind of conversations happen? What kind of topics come up?

Jerrad:We’re in a weird season because I’m having puberty talks, and I have a three-year-old. Sometimes I make the joke that I’m having very deep talks about very deep things and at the same time I’m getting yelled at. There was one point where I’m getting yelled at, so “Change my diaper” for my 2-year-old when she was two. So it’s a weird time to be a parent in my house, but everything comes up, a lot of stuff about friends. “My friends are saying this” or “What should I do when my friends do this kind of thing?” or “I feel picked on.” I mean just everything comes up. It’s become the highlight of my week, and theirs, for sure.

Dave:Are either of you guys familiar with a song that came out in my generation by a guy named Harry Chapin called “Cat’s in the Cradle?”

Bobby:Yes.

Ann:Oh yeah, you’ve heard this song.

Dave:Jerrad, have you ever heard this song?

Ann:I bet you’ve heard of it, Jerrad.

Jerrad:I don’t know.

Dave:I’ll read you a lyric or two. I mean it’s five verses. I could sing it. I’ve done it many times with my guitar. I won’t do that. It captures what you guys, and by the way, they’ve redone it like heavy metal. I mean it’s an acoustic singer songwriter guy, but yeah, here’s the first verse.

My child arrived just the other day

He came to the world in the usual way

But there were planes to catch and bills to pay

He learned to walk while I was away

And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew

He’d say, “I’m gonna be like you, Dad”

“You know I’m gonna be like you”

The chorus is

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man on the moon

“When you comin’ at home, Dad?”

“I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then

You know we’ll have a good time then”

It goes through sort of like “Cinderella” by Steven Curtis Chapman sort of goes through the different days.

My son turned ten just the other day

He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play

Can you teach me to throw?” I said, “Not today

I got a lot to do.” He said, “That’s okay”

And he walked away but his smile never dimmed

It said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah

You know I’m gonna be like him”

Well, he came from college just the other day

So much like a man I just had to say

“Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?”

He shook his head and he said with a smile

“What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys

See you later, can I have them please?”

Listen to this last verse.

I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away

I called him up just the other day

I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind”

He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I could find the time

You see my new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu

But it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad

It’s been sure nice talking to you”

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me

He’d grown up just like me

My boy was just like me

I mean, it was one of these classic songs where the reason I thought of it—I mean I literally had to go pull up the lyrics—is you guys are the opposite of that. You’re doing what every dad listening to and every mom listening to is hoping her man will do. You’re intentional. That is the word, I think, intentional. Our days and our weeks and our jobs and our lives are really full, and we don’t have time to take a walk or to do a dance and you guys are doing it. And that’s what matters.

Jerrad:Well, I appreciate you saying that. I don’t feel like I’m doing well, but…

Dave:You never do.

Jerrad:Yeah, I wanted to find something that was sustainable. I always loved the idea of doing a date, like a daddy date, but it always felt like, well, we got to pack up the car and drive to—where are we going to go? Restaurant or a coffee shop or the park. But the walk just felt like “I can go on a walk.” It’s hard to make excuses for a 15-minute walk around the block.

Ann:There’s something too about, especially with guys, I know there’s something about shoulder to shoulder looking forward that doesn’t feel intimidating, especially with teenagers. I realize that with boys, hanging out with boys seemed less intimidating to them. What is that, do you think?

Jerrad:I think everyone feels awkward. I’ve done the coffee dates. I started that with my little girls, and we would sit there, and I didn’t know what questions to ask, or she would talk about nothing deep, and I felt like, “Was this a waste of time?” We talked about some cartoon or whatever. So I think you’re right. We’ve had much deeper conversations when it just feels organic and… I’m not even asking. Usually it’s just me asking follow-up questions to what they’re already saying.

Dave:Or even in the car.

Jerrad:Yeah.

Dave:That shoulder to shoulder. You’re both looking that way. You’re not looking this way. There’s something, at least for men, I think about this.

Ann:I can’t remember who it was. I think it was donut dates. The dad always pulled out a notebook on their dates and then he’d write down what she said. She said, I was probably five, I don’t even know when it started, and she said, because she was in the interview, I was like, he’s writing down what I’m saying. I must be so special. I thought that was genius, like a genius move and he would just write it down.

Dave:Am I remembering this right? When she got married, he gave her the book.

Ann:I think he did.

Dave:Of all these years of just little things she said when she’s five and fifteen and now. It’s pretty cool.

Jerrad:Wow.

Ann:You get emotional, which makes me emotional. I can’t look at you when I say it. Why do you get emotional about even reading the Cat’s and the Cradle?

Dave:I think it’s why your video went viral. I think dads see it, and I’m sure women did too, but you see it and you’re like, “That’s what I’m made for,” and it’s doable. Some videos you see is like, “I’m not like that guy. I’m not gifted. I could never create a date like that,” but I could go on a walk, and I’m supposed to, and that’s my call. And I think that’s what it is. It’s powerful. And I know as a grandfather, it’s a legacy.

Ann:But you never had it. That’s what I think. I get teary thinking you never had that. You never had; one time did you have that. Probably you too, Jerrad.

Jerrad:Yeah, I didn’t have it either.

Dave:It’s cool that you can change a legacy. A bad legacy was given to you, but you, we get the chance to go, “I’m going to change the Wilson legacy,” the Lopes legacy.

Jerrad:By God’s grace.

Dave:And you’re doing it.

Jerrad:Yeah. By God’s grace.

Dave:I’m thinking there’s dads listening going, “Okay, I’m going to go on a walk,” or “I’m going to grab my teenage daughter and we’re going to dance tonight,” or “We’re going to have a special time.” Jerrad, you’ve written a book on this, Dad Tired. It’s got a lot of ideas like this that you’ve heard today. I know if you’re a dad like me, at least, I don’t know if women do this, but we’re like, “Just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do.” And you know what, we did today. We really told you what to do.

So get Dad Tired and go on Amazon and get the book or go to our show notes at FamilyLifeToday.com, and there’s a link there for Dad Tired, but also, we have Jerrad’s children’s book, My Daddy’s Hero that we’ll send you if you send us a donation to FamilyLife. You send us a donation; this is how we function. You give and we are able to do what we do, and we’re going to send you a gift for giving us a gift. You can go to FamilyLifeToday.com or give us a call at 1-800-

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