FamilyLife Today®

Dealing with Mom Guilt: Abbey Wedgeworth

February 4, 2025
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Author and mother of three Abbey Wedgework candidly discusses the emotional rollercoaster of motherhood and addresses the pervasive feelings of guilt and shame many mothers experience.

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Dealing with Mom Guilt: Abbey Wedgeworth
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Show Notes

About the Guest

Photo of Abbey Wedgeworth

Abbey Wedgeworth

Abbey Wedgeworth a wife, mother, writer, and speaker located on the South Carolina coastline. She is passionate about bible literacy and discipleship and loves to see how the gospel transforms how people think and live. Abbey is the author of Held: 31 Biblical Reflections on God’s Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage, the host of the Held podcast, and the curator of the Gentle Leading Advent Devotional for Moms. You can find more from Abbey at on Instagram at @abbeywedgeworth or at abbeywedgeworth.com.

Episode Transcript

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Dealing with Mom Guilt

Guest:Abbey Wedgeworth

From the series:Raising Godly Kids (Day 2 of 2)

Air date:February 4, 2025

Abbey:Mom’s asking: “How can I talk to my kids about the gospel? We don’t want

to wait until they’re eight years old; and then, start talking to them about

the gospel.” The gospel is good news for our failures from the very

beginning, so we want to hold it out to our children, from the very

beginning. We’re building habits for them of how they respond to their sin.

Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the

relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.

Dave:And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is

FamilyLife Today.

Dave:Okay, so I’m sitting here with two moms.

Ann:Yes, you are.

Dave:Actually, very unique—two moms of three boys—and one mom’s three

boys—my wife, Ann’s—are grown men with their own kids. And then,

Abbey Wedgworth is back with us. And you’ve got what?—an eight, six,

and three?

Abbey:Yes; almost four you would say.

Dave:So you’re in it.

Abbey:We’re in it, man.

Dave:You’re in it.

Abbey:That’s why I think only Ann should respond to any of these questions. I

don’t know what I’m doing.

Dave:She doesn’t remember.

Ann:You’re in the midst of it; you remember it because you’re in it right now.

Abbey:I’m in the trenches.

Ann:How many moms of those ages has written books?—several children’s

books.

Dave:Yeah; we found out yesterday she wrote one of them while she was

nursing. That just put every mom under the pile.

Ann:“What’d you do today?”

Dave:You wrote a book in like ten minutes.

Ann:“Oh, I wrote a book while I was nursing my third child.”

Abbey:Well, it’s just a poem. Someone—there’s a lot of people—people have to

let you make it a book. It’s just God’s kindness and the publisher’s kindness.

Dave:Yeah, but it’s great.

Ann:It’s really good.

Dave:God’s using it, and other moms and kids are going to read it.

But here’s what I want to talk about because—

Ann:Wait; we’re talking about the children’s books that Abbey’s written. We’ve

had her on before about her experience through miscarriage.

Dave:They’re all over our studio table right here.

Ann:And her other book is called Held; it’s a devotional, really,—

Abbey:Yep, it is.

Ann:—that you walked through after a miscarriage, which was really good.

But anyhow: “Okay, Dave, go ahead. We’re ready for you.”

Dave:So yesterday, I think it was, Abbey mentioned a word—you wrote a couple

chapters about in our parenting book—but I’ve heard this word a lot with

moms—and I’m not saying dads don’t have it; we do too—but you

used the word, “shame”—this guilt, this mom guilt, this mom shame—

[feeling] not being good enough. I don’t know what it is. I just thought,

“There are moms listening, going—as soon as they heard that word

yesterday—they go, “I’m there right now.” So what is it? How do you

define it? How do you experience it?—feel it? How do you get out of it?

Ann:Well, I’m just going to tie this into the books/the kids’ books that Abbey’s

written. As moms, we can get super frustrated, which is normal; but we

can react instead of respond, which can be super normal. But when we’ve

been with our kids all day; and maybe, we have failed because they’ve

been hitting each other, or biting each other, or saying things, or a myriad

of things that are just—they’ve happened 50 times today—and you just

lose your patience at the end of the day.

For me, it was really easy—even though I had apologized to the kids for

my wrong behavior, words, actions, attitude—sometimes, I would just get

in bed at night; and I would think, “What a horrible mom. I am the worst

mom. Are there any other moms that are as bad as me?” And then, I

would hear this accusation: “You are the worst.” That’s shame; have you

ever felt that?

Abbey:Yeah, yes!

Ann:You have.

Abbey:Maybe on the car ride down. I think, too, in parenting—shame is this

feeling of: “I am wrong,”—

Ann:—not that you did wrong.

Abbey:—I did wrong—but there is something wrong with me. We first see it in the

Garden [of Eden]—Adam and Eve are covering themselves—and

God’s like, “Who told you [that] you were naked?” Because first [before

their sin], they were naked and unashamed.

Dave:—unashamed, yes.

Abbey:We want to cover ourselves; we want to—and then, there’s this

better covering that is Christ—shame cannot exist where there’s

compassion; it can’t, and that’s the remedy for it.

Shame can be a good thing in as much as it drives us to Christ. You

picture Isaiah in the throne room: “Woe is me. I’m a man of unclean lips,”

or Paul saying—for us, we would change it [as a mom]—Romans 7:

“Wretched mom that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death?”

And then, there’s Romans 8:1: “Thanks be to God who provides Jesus

Christ and delivers us.”

These books—one of the reasons that I wrote them the way that I did is—I

have a child who really struggles with shame; because when he does

something wrong, he thinks he is something bad: “What does this mean

about me that I did this?” That’s the question we’re asking, as moms, of: “I

lost it on my kids. What does it mean about me?”

These books equip children to know what to do with that shame that they feel when you just hit your brother—or whatever—you bit someone, and everyone’s looking at you. You’re the daycare monster, whatever. It just doesn’t feel good to mess up. We take that to Jesus, and there’s forgiveness available. That’s why there’s always a picture of Jesus, as a child. You lift the flap and He’s with another kid. It’s like: “Jesus was a child with a mouth, just like me,” “He was a child with ears, just like me,” “… eyes just like me”; because it’s important for kids to know that He was perfect for them. He faced—we don’t have a great high priest who’s unable to sympathize—because He’s been tempted as we were. He also went through all the developmental challenges that they do, and puberty; He was a human being. He was perfect for them, so they don’t have to be.

They can go to Him and receive forgiveness and feel better. They can

have hope, also, to be different.

Ann:So Abbey, if you’re in bed at night, and these feelings of shame and

condemnation wash over you, what do you do?

Abbey:I’m trying to remember—I think it was Martin Luther who was like—there’s

a quote, where he’s like, “If the enemy comes to me, and says, effectively, “You’re the worst,” I just say: “You’re right!” and “Christ covers it.” The truth of the gospel gives us the courage, and the confidence, and the secure identity to be able to take an honest look at our hearts, and say, “Yuck”; and then, also look at the cross, and say, “Thanks”; and then, look to the Holy Spirit, who lives within us, and be filled with hope: “Yay, I am being changed.”

The beauty of being aware of our sin is that we’re not blind to it—not just running around, hurting people, without a realization of what we’re doing—we can’t repent of something we don’t see. I think it’s what the enemy wants to use to pull us out of the game—because what’s the next thought?—it’s: “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Ann:“I’m disqualified.”

Abbey:Yeah; “I want to drive away and not affect them anymore,” “…not ruin

them,”—whatever. Instead, we take that to Jesus, and say, “You died for

this,” and “You can help me to be different. You can help me to do better,

and I want to depend on you to do better.”

Ann:That’s really good. I can remember having—I got into the habit, after I had

this horrible day, when I was having all those thoughts of how I’m such a

bad mom, and how all of my actions will affect them so negatively as they

become adults—I started confessing it. First of all, just telling Jesus the

truth of what I was feeling: “I feel this,” “I feel this,” “I did this”; and then, I’m repenting: “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be that mom. I need Your help.”

That piece of repentance, that piece of surrender, the piece of confessing it—He’s so gracious; isn’t He?—because I stopped, for a minute that one time; and I said, “Lord, what do You see?” I felt like He was saying it was identity: “You’re in Me.” Then it was all about what He had done for me so that I don’t have to live in condemnation, because He was condemned for me; it is the gospel.

But then, it was so sweet; I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit. I had gone

through my list of all my failures; and then, I felt prompted by the Holy

Spirit to say, “What are the things that you did right today?” I had a big list:

“First one, I fed my children,” “I gave them a bath tonight,” “I even had a

snack—it wasn’t always healthy—but I gave them a snack.” And then, I

thought, “Oh, and I did—we laughed together—we played some great

games.”

It’s amazing how you can come up with a list of: “Oh, I did do some

things.” I felt like Jesus was saying, “Remember that you’re not patting

yourself on the back, but you’re realizing that you’re doing things that I see—all those little things—I see all of those things.”

Abbey:Celebration is so important, I think. There’s a distinction of—when we fail,

we want to soothe ourselves with what we’ve done well—that’s a danger.

But when Scripture talks about grace—there’s God-saving grace; and

then, there’s His enabling grace that helps us to walk in the good works

that He’s prepared for us to live righteous lives—and so that’s where I

think walking through those two things of: “Okay, Your grace covers all

this wrong,” and “Also I see You’re enabling grace in my life that gives me

the confidence to go into tomorrow.”

Ann:And it’s not that you start with: “Here’s what I did right,” —that’s different. It

started with confession and repentance; and then, His covering of us. I

like—you’re deep—she’s smart.

Dave:Okay; talk to the husbands who are listening to this. I’m one of them, and

going, “What do I do when my wife is spiraling?—I can see it, or she’s saying it,” or “She’s had a hard day; and maybe, she’s feeling the shame that she didn’t do a good job today with the kids.”

I come home—could be noon; it could be whatever—I’ve done it wrong

many times, when you’re there, almost like, “Come on; you can step out

of it,”— and not understand—“No, she’s in it.” But as a man, as a

husband, we’re like, “Coach us: what’s the best way to respond to you

ladies when you’re in that mom shame/mom guilt space?”

Abbey:Are y’all familiar with Bob Flayhart?

Ann:No.

Abbey:He’s a sweetie pie—PCA [Presbyterian Church of America] pastor—I hope

he’s not offended by that. But he has written this book called The Gospel

Waltz. In my mind, I thought, “Invite her to dance. And it’s like three

steps—a waltz is three steps—and the steps are: repent, believe, obey.”

The danger of two-stepping is that you go from repentance to obedience—

like, “Ooh, I blew it; I’ll try harder,”—or you go from repentance to belief

and leave out obedience: “I messed up, but it’s okay; Christ covered it. I’m

just going to live freely,”—whatever; and you don’t make an effort to be

living righteously.

I would say, “Invite your wife to dance. The temptation is to soothe her

with her good works: ‘No, you’re a great mom…’”—blah, blah, blah. But

she knows, in that moment, that she’s not the best mom right now.” I

would give her true comfort—true biblical comfort—and say: “You know

what? That isn’t okay; that is really messed up—that you did ‘X,’ ‘Y,’ ‘Z’

thing— that you’ve confessed to me. But also, you are beloved; and God

is at work in you. I see God at work in you.

‘Have you apologized?’

‘Did you repair?’ Because that’s just as valuable as doing it right, statistically and psychologically.

‘And then, have you confessed and received an assurance pardon from the Lord? Have you experienced His peace over this?’

‘And then, let’s work together to think: “Where are you living past your limits?” or “What would you walk back and do differently? How would you want to handle it differently?”’

You’re walking her through: “Let’s confess what you did wrong; let’s receive Christ’s covering; and let’s think about how we can strive for gospel obedience by the power of the Holy Spirit.’” I think it’s tempting, just to say: “No, you’re a great mom,” or “It’s okay; everybody does it”; but that’s not true comfort.

Ann:But if Dave would have said, “You need to walk back through…”—if he said anything about “You need to…”—I’d be, “I’m out!”

Abbey:What if he said, “Let’s…”

Ann:“Let’s…”; then, I’d feel like, “Oh, because you’re perfect?” See now, you’re

dealing with a true sinner here; I’m just going to say. But if Dave would

listen to me and empathize—

Dave:You have to start there.

AbbeyOh, yeah; connection first.

Ann: He would put his hand on my back, and say,—

Dave:“It’s hard being a mom.”

Ann:I’ve been right there [in my feelings]. And then, together: “We need to

pray.” Him praying for me that I would remember all of those things you

just said.

I’m more rebellious than you are, Abbey.

Abbey:Oh, my word; I just love the gospel! I’m just need it so much. And I

don’t always believe it; I need someone to help me believe it.

Ann:I’ve got more pride than you do.

Abbey:That’s okay; that’s good.

Ann:I love this.

Abbey:That’s good to see it from different perspectives. I think that’s important—

being prayed over—that’s important.

Ann:I like that; I like that we have two different thoughts on it.

Abbey:Oh, yeah; but I think we can both agree that saying, “It’s okay,” is not true

comfort.

Ann:No; to me, you’re lying. “Don’t; that’s not true. Because I’m not right now,

and what I did is not okay.”

Abbey:And I love the thought, too, of him really listening, and saying, “I see you; I

see how hard you’re trying. I see how little you’re sleeping,” “I see the

effort you’re making,”—whatever. I think that’s really important.

Ann:“How can I help you?”

Abbey:“How can I help?

Dave:Let me just pause, and say, “If you need help as a parent,—

Ann:I do.

Dave:I’m like, “Who does not need help as a parent?” We have help for you at FamilyLife.com/ParentingHelp. It’s free; it’s some of our best stuff. We put it together for you. You need help; I need help—we all need help—go to FamilyLife.com/ParentingHelp and get help.

Ann:I want Abbey to read one of these. It’s great because several of these are

board books. How many are there going to be total?—because they’re not

all out yet.

Abbey:Right now, the contract is six board books and three storybooks. The storybooks rhyme and are for kids three to six—so pre-K, kindergarten, first grade—and then, the board books are zero to three.

Ann:Why did you want to do some board books, too?

Abbey:Oh, well, the board books: I think just because mom’s asking, “How can I

talk to my kids about the gospel? We don’t want to wait until they’re eight

years old; and then, start talking to them about the gospel.” The gospel is

good news for our failures from the very beginning. And so we want to

hold it out to our children, from the very beginning. We’re building habits

for them of how they respond to their sin.

“I’m sorry, Lord,” shouldn’t be unfamiliar, coming off of the lips of children

who grow up in Christian homes. I think—for the knee-jerk reaction of

my child—when he bites, or hits, or does something that is a result of the

fall. I mean, it’s developmentally normal behavior, that he’ll likely outgrow;

but he will not outgrow his need for the gospel.

Ann:But even as they get older, and what they’re saying; even littles of just

being mean with their words.

Abbey:Yeah, that’s in the mouths book. There’s a line that says: “We say the

worst thing we can think of—

Ann:Oh, this should be a parent book, too.

Abbey:—”and you can’t take them back.”

Ann: —a marriage book.

Abbey:In talking about shame—that’s what that book says—”When we say

something, it makes us feel icky; and we cannot take it back. What do we do?” And that’s what Jesus covers.

Okay, so this is the board book: God Made My Mouth. “What are

mouths for?” “God made my mouth to”—and you lift a flap—”smile and laugh.” There’s something fun under every flap; that’s fun. “God made my

mouth to talk: “Blah, blah, blah.’” “ God made my mouth to chew my food.”

There are onomatopoeias in there you can play with and have fun. “God

made my mouth to give kisses.” I get videos from moms a lot; their kids

are doing the things with them.

Ann:So sweet.

Abbey:“God made my mouth to blow bubbles.” Under that flap, when you open it,

it pops!—which is fun.

“Did God make my mouth to bite my friends?” “No, of course not.” I’ll pause to say, “One thing I love about these books is I think they also build

emotional empathy.”

Ann:Oh, yeah.

Abbey:They help kids develop emotional intelligence, because they can see their

reactions.

Ann:See their emotions on their face.

Abbey:“Did God make my mouth to say hurtful words or tell lies?” “No, of course

not.” “Jesus was a child with a mouth, just like me. Jesus always used His mouth to tell the truth and love others. Jesus used His mouth to say ‘Yes,’ to God’s plan, a plan to forgive me for any wrong thing I do. So when I use my mouth to lie or to be unkind, I can say, ‘I’m sorry.’ If I trust Jesus, God always forgives me; His Holy Spirit helps me tell the truth and love others, just like Jesus.”

“My mouth was made to sing and give thanks to God.” They always end

on a celebratory note, but the elements of the book are the same: “Here are great things you can do with their mouth…” “Here are not great things you can do with your mouth…” “Here’s what to do with your mouth when you fail, and what to do with your mouth when you want to do better.” It also just points to how Jesus used His mouth.

Ann:I like that you point to Jesus.

Abbey:I mean, how else can we survive?

Dave:You, literally, share the gospel.

Abbey:It is the gospel.

Dave:It’s the gospel. Every one of these books has the same—

Ann:—thread.

Abbey:That’s why I’m so thankful that they exist, Dave; because the toddler years

are so filled with “Do’s” and “Don’ts.” Who is getting corrected more than a

two-year-old? How would that feel? They’re so resilient, but you’re just

getting corrected all day. It’s like, all of a sudden, we risk turning them into

little legalists if we’re only giving them “Do’s” and “Don’ts.”

And then, suddenly, they’re eight; and we’re talking about the gospel. We

need to be holding it out to them from the beginning; so they always know:

“You don’t have to conjure this on your own. You depend on the Spirit to obey. That’s the kind of obedience we want. We don’t want them to be

obeying to please us or obeying because they’re afraid. We want them to

be motivated by grace and obeying from a posture of dependence on the Spirit. That’s why I love these books, because they help them have the

right posture from the beginning.

Ann:Yesterday, we talked about your books: What Are Hands For?—you were

talking about how the boys can hit each other or get into arguments. Then,

you talked about how one of your sons went through—most kids go

through a biting phase—What Are Mouths For?

What are the stories behind the other ones?

Abbey:Oh, okay. So you think about the verses: “Present your members for

righteousness and not for sin.” There are ways we sin with our ears by not

listening to our parents or by turning a deaf ear to people who need to be

heard. And ways we sin with our eyes: looking down on others, rolling

them in disrespect; and with our feet: running away from the people who

take care of us.

We just wanted to make the series all-encompassing; so that it’s repetitive

so that the gospel message is really clear and cemented. But each book is

distinctive so that the kid is learning how to apply it to different areas of

their lives.

The older kid storybook about eyes is so timely—the average age of

exposure to pornography now is eight—last I looked.

Ann:Whoa; it was ten before.

Abbey:Yeah; it’s lowering, I think, with devices in schools. It talks about looking at

people with dignity and as image-bearers, and that’s really important.

Ann:How did you write that one? The one, …Your Amazing Hands, you were

nursing. How did you happen to come up with that one?—because it’s a

poem.

Abbey:Yeah, that one’s in a coffee shop, just outlining. Each one kind of points to

a different—this is a little nerdy—but each one kind of points to a different

element of justification, sanctification, or glorification.

Ann:I love it.

Abbey:And …Eyes is really focused on glorification: we will see God; and He’ll be

the light by which we see; and we’ll see people as He intended us to.

Ann:Is that how it ends?

Abbey:Yeah, it ends that way,—

Ann:That’s sweet.

Abbey:—with the hope of heaven.

Ann:That’s sweet.

Abbey:It makes me very grateful.

Ann:Are you going to get Abbey to sing this song?

Dave:I don’t know; what’s the song?

Abbey:Oh, yes!

Dave:I can play it.

Abbey:We were doing little ditty earlier.

Ann:That’s right; we were singing—

Dave: Is this one of your books? What is it?

Abbey:Yes; this is a tool that I use with my boys, a framework for them to think

about how their words affect others. If they misspeak, I love to say, “Try it again,”—instead of—“Go to your room”; so they have the chance to practice. We’ll say: “Try it again,” or I’ll say, “Run it through the filter.” This song we were doing earlier is our filter song that I sing with our kids.

Ann:Have you ever sung this to your husband?

Abbey:No, but my kids sing it to me sometimes. And they—

Ann:Do they?!

Dave:Really?

Abbey: Yeah; they’ll—Walter in particular.

Ann:Yeah, kids will speak the truth; won’t they?

Abbey:I’ve given them permission; I’m like—

Ann:Me, too; that’s good.

Abbey:—which is good. It’s healthy.

Ann:Okay; you want to sing it?

Abbey:This is Dave on guitar, not me; so if he messes up.

Dave:I hope I’m playing it right.

Abbey:[Singing] “’Is it kind?’ ‘Is it helpful?’ ‘Does it need to be said?’ ‘Is it true?’—

these questions make a filter in my head so that I can love my neighbor; so that I can honor God—I think before I speak.”

Ann:That is really good.

Abbey:Isn’t that fun?!

Ann:You even did the high version, and you did it.

Abbey:I know; I went all the way through. I don’t think I breathed, didn’t take a

breath.

Ann:Nice.

Dave:That worked.

Abbey:But I think it’s good to have things like that to refer back to. It’s a reference point.

Ann:So they know that your kids know that song.

Abbey:Oh, yes; yep. They know it, and they sing it to each other. Or I’ll say, “Run

it back through the filter: ‘Was it kind?’ ‘Was it helpful?’”—sometimes,

“That’s true, but probably doesn’t need to be said.”

Ann:Yes, say the words again; go through it.

Abbey:“Is it kind?”—this is Amy Carmichael—”Is it kind?” “Is it helpful?” “Is it

necessary?”—she says. But we say: “Does it need to be said?” “Is it true?”

And then, we talk about, all the time: “What are the two greatest

commandments?”—“To love God and love your neighbor.” We reference

that in that song; that has been very helpful to them.

Dave:Have you ever caught your kids, when you’re not around—but you can

hear them—referencing their hands or their mouth, based on what you’ve

taught them?—without you doing it; but they’re doing it.

Abbey:Yes, yes. I have heard my oldest say to my youngest: “Who made your

hands?” in a moment; or “What are your hands for?” Actually, when Henry

was a baby, I did walk in, to my oldest clapping his hands: “Hands are for clapping, waving, high-fiving, not for pinching.” That is really beautiful to

me: to see them have the tools of how to respond. He was the one who

was pinched, and so to see him respond with God’s created order instead

of anger was really encouraging.

I get a lot of videos of older siblings reading these books to younger

siblings, and it just delights me. But that’s the goal; isn’t it?—to equip

them; to equip them to do this for themselves and to know that the truth

comes.

Dave:I hate to tell you—you already know this—but these are not just for kids.

Abbey: Oh!

Ann:It’s true.

Dave:When you think about it—

Abbey:I cry every time I read this book; every time.

Dave:But when you think about it—

Ann:They applied it.

Dave:—as adults: “How do we use our hands?” “How do we use our ears, our

eyes, our mouths?”

When you were talking earlier, I thought, “There should be a teenage

version for: ‘How do we use our bodies?’ as you talk about honoring God

with your temple;1 Corinthians 6.” It’d be a whole different version, but it’d

be that conversation; because they’re thinking, not just about their eyes

and their nose, but other parts of their bodies. That’s critical.

Abbey:That’s a good way to practice confession, too; isn’t it?—like: “Start at your

head.”

Ann:Yes; see, we’re coming up with all kinds of books that you can write,

Abbey.

Abbey:Oh, my goodness. If only there was more time.

Dave:Go nurse another baby and go write another one.

Abbey: I know my agent’s like, “No one wants to read a book from you unless it’s

been a year and a half.” We got to do it in a year and a half.

Dave:Really?

Ann:That’s awesome; this has been really helpful.

Dave:Yeah, we’d love to send you one of Abbey’s books. You don’t even know

which one you’re going to get; but it’s going to be one of these: …Hands, …Ears, …Mouth, …Eyes. It’s just going to show up at your door, and it’s

going to be awesome.

“How do you get one?”—give us gift. We are a listener-supported ministry;

your financial donation means the world to us. You can do that right now if

you’d like at FamilyLifeToday.com. Or give us a call at 800-358-6329; 800-358-6329.

Abbey:That’s F as in Family, L as in Life, and the word, TODAY.

Dave:She did it better; the first time she ever did it.

Ann:She smiled the whole time.

Dave:I’m smiling, too.

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