Emotionally Distant but Still Committed: Now What? David & Meg Robbins

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FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript

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Emotionally Distant but Still Committed: Now What?

Guests:David and Meg Robbins

From the series:From Survival Mode to Stronger Marriage (Day 2 of 2)

Air date:March 27, 2026

Meg (00:04):

When I start to look to David to bring me all my joy or to be the one who sees me first, he’s amazing and he does see me really well so much of the time when I let him see what’s there, but he isn’t Jesus and he wasn’t made to meet those places in me the way that the Lord can.

Dave Wilson (00:32):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:38):

And I’m Ann Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. I’m excited that David and Meg Robbins are back with us today.

Dave Wilson (00:52):

We got into some heavy stuff yesterday.

Ann (00:54):

We got into some deep stuff that we’re going to get into even more today.

Dave Wilson (00:58):

Yeah. So let’s go.

David Robbins (00:58):

Yeah, this was just five or six years ago where we were experiencing a significant wedge in our marriage while—and we were feeling like we were getting further and further apart—while we were leading FamilyLife. I mean, this is a real time thing.

Meg (01:18):

It was just all these little things that just kept adding up. We had a mold in our home pushing us out. We had things happening with our parents, but I said—but we were feeling emotionally distant. And I said, “I just feel like that I keep handing you this rose of, here’s how I’m really doing. This is like a reflection of my heart. I’m trying to let you in.”

Ann (01:40):

Which is fragile.

Meg (01:41):

Which is fragile, yes. “I’m giving it to you. And in the moment, you are so attuned to me, you’re listening, you’re asking me questions and I feel like we are connecting and I feel so seen and it’s reciprocal. And then it’s like you look at it and you set it over here and it just kind of drop it over on the side of the bed. And then later I hand you a new one and same thing. It’s like they just are followed. There’s a whole pile of dead roses over there on the side. You’re not picking them back up or putting them in any new water. Revisiting the rose. How is that going?”

David Robbins (02:14):

I would say that was an appropriate way to communicate though, because it helped me get a word picture of how she really felt. Now, was it hard to hear? Absolutely. But you better believe I went the next morning to Ephesians 5 and wrote in the margin “pile of dead roses.”

Dave Wilson (02:33):

Did you really?

David Robbins (02:34):

I did.

Dave Wilson (02:34):

Yeah.

Ann:

And share what Ephesians 5 said.

David Robbins (02:36):

That as a husband, we are to love our wives and to sacrifice for her like Christ did for the church. And it was my own up moment where I thought that was actually a pretty tender way. That wasn’t pile on. That wasn’t unleashing.

Ann (02:52):

That’s good.

David Robbins (02:53):

It was a visual picture, which again, two women with two different personalities. Every person, every man and woman listening has to go, okay, what are my tendencies? Where do I end up saying too many words or where do I hold back? You got to know yourself and process with the Lord. So I think that’s the way you’ve set it up, which I think that’s the most important thing. Say what Jesus invites you to share as you process with Him, because He’s with you in it. Whatever hole you find yourself in or wedge you find in your marriage, Jesus is with you in it. And He’s a God who restores and reconciles. This is what He does. And so I was grateful you said that; ended up sending us on a journey of getting some—

Ann (03:33):

Yeah, what did you do, David? So did you go buy a vase?

David Robbins (03:37):

I wrote it in my journal the next day.

Meg:

I know. You wrote it in your journal.

David Robbins:

Yeah, well, we actually went to a marriage intensive. We got away for five days and we dove deep with two counselors. That’s not an option for everyone. But we asked around and we went and said, “Let’s go after this.” I think one of the things I learned processing that was—and this isn’t a trick. This is something that as someone who goes, goes, goes, it actually was given to me in context of my kids, but I feel like it relates to marriage. There in the movie, Inside Out, there’s that scene where the little girl, the daughter had run away. They had moved to San Francisco. She was hating life. Everything had changed. The movie does a great job of talking about how emotions inside of us go crazy.

(04:22):

And she had returned, the dad was all busy at work and the mom was in transition and they were missing their daughter and what she was processing, and there’s this scene where they communicate what’s true. They see each other, they have this honest moment, and they hug and then the little girl sighs. That’s all it is. iI’s one little sigh. And this mentor of mine was—actually played the video clip for me to go, “David, you don’t stop long enough to just”—let’s say it’s with your wife, with your kids, just, “Okay, we understand enough right now, but we’ve connected enough for now to go the next day where we know we’re on the same team. Let’s move forward.” And those were days where we were experiencing this wedge. We had a lot to process as we were getting on the same page and reconciling some things, but there would be multiple moments to where I was prioritizing. It was this visual picture for me to not just come home and serve and do the dishes and do all the things. What I as a activator, I was like, “Okay, I’ll just do it all.” And I’m like, she doesn’t want me to do, yeah, she wants me to help some, but she wants me to—

Ann (05:33):

—connect.

David Robbins (05:34):

—connect and pick up the roses and go, we’re holding them and we’re not necessarily solving them right now. And that’s actually, she didn’t want me to, she wanted me to stop solving for a moment because that’s what I can do when I feel behind and the dead roses are piled up just okay, you know where we’re at, that means a lot. And those were some victory moments of just going, “Okay, I can as a driver and mover and activator, I could go, ’That was forward motion that she knows I get where she’s at and I see where we’re at together.’” And those are little micro moments that really helped us move forward.

Meg (06:12):

I feel like I’m more aware of how dependent I need to be on the Lord when it comes to being a mom.

Ann:

Me too.

Meg:

Like parenting my kids.

(06:20):

It’s so much more obvious. I don’t know what to do, what do I say? Or “Lord, open my eyes to see things that I’m not aware of in their heart or in their life.” But I think in our marriage sometimes I can feel like, okay, it’s been a long time. We know these things and I forget like, okay, Lord, I need to be dependent on you. Your Holy Spirit is with me. You will show me even just what am I feeling that I need to communicate or where are the places where I need a word picture and you can give me what I need in that moment? Or how do I make this more—

Dave Wilson (06:59):

I mean, has there been any struggle because we’ve had this, and I think it applies to any couple, but ministry and marriage separating them. You both are—

Meg (07:10):

Right.

Dave Wilson (07:11):

Like you’re the president, but you’re really both in this. And we’ve struggled with that. We sat down with Juli Slattery on the cruise, and we had a conversation with she and Mike. It’s like ministry becomes our life and it’s like our marriage is in it. And so there’s been times where Ann and I feel like we’re business partners, not husband and wife. Have you ever struggled with that? And how do you navigate that?

David Robbins (07:34):

The first thing that comes to my mind is that’s been our story for a long time. It’s like we led together on our very first team when we went to Europe and led a campus team to serve at the University of Pisa, Italy. And so that was sorting some things out then. And there were all sorts of ways I missed in that first time. And yet we were chipping away. And Ruth Haley Barton says this, this whole conversation was bringing me, brought this up. It is by God’s grace that we are given the opportunity to face ourselves before the stakes get any higher. To believe what needs to be done in the deep interior places of our life is the most important work that can be done right now. Because all of life, I mean I think about you with adult kids and now grandkids, it’s just multiplying it. Life does not get simpler.

(08:21):

And yet every moment is this opportunity to go, okay, He is preparing us for something. And whatever gets exposed is an opportunity to look at right now to say, “God, do you want to restore this and grow me now?” And you’re always growing me for something you have in the future. And so the way you asked it, it’s like we’re still growing. It’s still so active, but I look back and go, “Man, Lord, you’ve chipped away at so many things of hardness in my life, how much I need to be independent.” I think that’s one of the ways is I still am prone when I’m in a new situation to go self-sufficient and independent and this partner in ministry that God has blessed me with. And if you’re not in ministry, it could be things that you’re sharing passions for your kids or hobbies that you have, I can be so prone to just go on my own and go, let me figure this out before I invite you along. Or I don’t know. So let me just drive ahead instead of the gift of doing it with someone with—Meg has amazing discernment gifts. And yet sometimes I don’t bring her in because I’m just like, I got to chart the course and Lord’s with me I know, but I’m like, man, He’s given me a partner to do this with. And sometimes I run ahead and I feel like that’s something this year and a half, we keep right sizing and checking.

(09:41):

And going, whoop, I’ve run ahead. Let’s step back in step together. Because ultimately that’s the invitation. Galatians 5:25, just as we live by the Spirit, let’s stay in step with the Spirit. Staying in step with the Spirit allows us to go, okay, God, let me recognize when I’m out of rhythm with you. Get back in step with you. And that is an invitation to get back in step with your spouse and to go, okay, you’re going to convict me first how I’m out a step. And then that can overflow into, okay, hey Meg, I feel like I’ve run ahead again. He invites you into your own patterns. We grow but yet it circles back into very common situations often.

Dave Wilson (10:26):

I tell you what, one of the best things we ever do for our marriage, is get away.

Ann (10:32):

That’s true.

Dave Wilson (10:33):

And focus and work on our relationship. And we don’t want to do it. It’s hard to get on this calendar, but when we do, we grow and our marriage gets better.

Ann (10:43):

You know what though? You know what really goes along well with that getaway is something that’s cheap or that’s on sale.

Dave Wilson (10:50):

Yeah. We’re talking about the Weekend to Remember, FamilyLife’s marriage getaway and it’s 40% off right now if you sign up. And I tell you, you don’t want to miss this deal. It’s a Friday night through Sunday morning. It’s literally life-changing and legacy changing for your marriage.

Ann (11:07):

And here are the sale dates, March 20th through the 30th, you can get that 40% off. So visit WeekendtoRemember.com. There’s no promo code needed. Again, that’s WeekendtoRemember.com to get that sale.

Dave Wilson (11:22):

Is there a place—and I guess I’m asking the wives—where you need your husband to understand, “Hey, I’m more than your ministry partner over here. I’m your wife.” You know what I’m saying? I think Ann has felt that at times. Have you ever felt that? And I think it can happen in a guy in business or whatever is like, hey, we’re walking into a business meeting. You’re coming to this thing. Be my trophy. Make me look good. Rather than I’m your wife, I’m your husband. I want our marriage to be hot, not just our job or our ministry. You know what I’m saying?

Meg (11:54):

For sure, for sure. And I think on a super practical level, even just because we are in this together, I mean sometimes it can be hard to even have good boundaries of like, okay, you can just talk and talk and talk about awesome things. It doesn’t even have to be the frustrating points of things you’re trying to figure out. But it’s like, okay, but how do we find outlets? I remember when I first joined staff with Cru, someone saying to me, okay, ministry is a job that is never really ends. So everybody’s always in process. Discipleship is always ongoing. There’s always more people who don’t know Jesus. So find outlets and activities that have a start and an end, hobbies or whatever. And at the time, I think I used to probably paint to do that, just something artistic. But I do feel like that even in our marriage, we have to find some things that we can do that are completely unrelated to what we do together in ministry.

(12:56):

So we like to play tennis or pickleball with our family or going for walks. And sometimes that means we’re talking about things. Maybe it’s the kids, maybe it’s ministry, maybe it’s we say, “Hey, let’s just connect with each other.” And I think it’s having intentional time to say, “Okay, I want to know how you are.” Yeah. I think when you’re working together and maybe it’s you’re running a family business together, it’s easy to talk about those things all the time. And you just have to carve out time to say, “Hey, let’s guard this time.” I mean, to me that makes me feel more—

Ann (13:36):

It’s your sigh.

Meg (13:38):

Yeah, it’s the sigh.

Ann (13:39):

I see going back to the Inside Out movie because I’m such a visual person, but I was thinking this whole time, “What makes me sigh?” To you, that’s like a connection. You’re connecting again.

David Robbins:

That’s good.

Meg:

So true. But I also think too, and Dave, I think for each of us, what would make me sigh? What would make you do that?

Dave Wilson (13:59):

You’re saying a sigh is a relief. It’s a good feeling like “Aah.”

David Robbins (14:03):

A sense of connection that may not solve everything, but I’ve been seen, I’ve been heard, I’m known. We’ll move forward together.

Ann (14:11):

We’re teammates. Together.

Dave Wilson (14:12):

I know what mine is when Ann says, yes, you’re my priority. And the kids and the grandkids aren’t, not that they aren’t, but I’m one. They’re one A or one B.

Meg (14:24):

They’re next in line.

Dave Wilson (14:25):

That’s the season we’re in is the kids are like David just said, it gets more complicated.

Ann (14:30):

So I have to say it?

Dave Wilson (14:31):

No, when she chooses to say yes to me and that might mean a no to them. Because we’ve had this conversation and I’m exaggerating, but I’ve felt like it’s always a yes to them and it’s not always a yes for me, and it’s just the stage of life we’re in. But she’s an unbelievable, I never can imagine anybody being a better grandma. She is fully there and they love her and they just, Nani, can you come over? Yep!

Meg:

I love it.

Dave:

We’re watching a movie right now or we’re going to go on a date. We can do that later. And so I feel that sometimes. I don’t know if husbands feel that, but I think whether it’s grandkids or something else, when your spouse says, “You’re number one,” for me, that’s a sigh.

Ann (15:16):

What about you guys?

David Robbins (15:18):

I think one thing for me that we’ve set in our schedule that we learn the hard way is that with sports at night and different things that come up, it’s like the date night at our phase of life was a mirage. We were FamilyLife presidents.

Meg:

That’s a good picture analogy.

David Robbins:

Man, we do this, we do date nights. Well no we don’t because something always comes up.

Meg (15:46):

A basketball game or a ministry event, something is swallowing up our date night whole.

David Robbins (15:53):

So we decided, hey, some people may struggle with slothfulness and laziness and they need to talk to the Lord and say what’s for you for that was as Meg would like to say, “David, no one’s ever going to say You work too little.” Just whatever’s inside of me, good, bad, ugly. And so Friday lunches we set aside for us, and we may connect a little bit before on, “Hey, what are we going to say on FamilyLife Today? What’s the topic? Let’s text Dave and Ann and Bruce.” But then we shut her down and we connect with one another. And for Meg, when she’s in flow at the busyness of a week, and yeah, we may talk about the kids some, but we try not to talk about the kids the whole time. And she chooses not to. We may connect on work a little bit, but I choose not to talk about work during that time, the whole time. That’s part of who we are, but we keep it as part of who we are, and we really look each other in the eyes and connect over where are we? And all I know is that that priority, which both of us have to keep that a priority or else it will go away. There’s always things to do and cram in at the end of a week on a lunch.

(17:05):

And sometimes we have to forego it. We try to keep it, and it is something that makes—that I’m just like, “Okay, I’m centered. Things are right.” We’ve said what we needed to say and it really helps me.

Meg (17:23):

And I think sometimes we even will say, oh, let’s talk about that on Friday. We know it’s there and it’s on the calendar every week. I would say with travel and other things, it’s probably twice a month—

David Robbins (17:36):

Twice a month it happens.

Meg (17:36):

—for sure. We make sure it happens. And yeah, I mean I think for me that would probably be the same in this season, but I think it’s what you said earlier, it’s just for me it’s definitely just not having the time on Friday, but knowing that he has let me in to where he really is and I’m letting him in and just being seen.

Ann (18:00):

And I think too, you guys, the thing that I kept thinking about was I can’t do that sigh with Dave as well until I’ve done it with Jesus. Because the person that really brings us, I mean Matthew 11, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” When I spend time with Him and I lay all of my burdens at His feet and all the things I’m carrying, that is the best sigh. Like, oh, you’ve got it.

Meg:

Absolutely.

Ann:

You’re in control. You’re with me. You know me. Which then helps me when I go to Dave, it’s like, oh, you’re not my person that fills me up all the way. It’s Jesus. And now I can sigh and be content because we’re a team and God’s got us. That’s big for me, for sure.

Dave Wilson (18:45):

Yeah. Here’s one last question and maybe you’ve already answered it, but I’m thinking, how do you keep romance? Would you say, here we go, let’s do this. Scale one to 10, how’s the romance in your marriage?

Ann (18:58):

How are you finding romance?

Meg (18:59):

It’s great.

David Robbins (19:00):

Do we get to answer at the same time or she goes first, right?

Dave Wilson:

Let’s do it.

David Robbins:

Are you okay Meg? Are you okay?

Dave Wilson (19:09):

On a count of three give me a number, 1, 2, 3.

Davidd Robbins:

Eight.

Meg (19:13):

Nine. Look at that.

David Robbins (19:15):

I feel like it’s 10, but I was just low balling.

Dave Wilson (19:18):

Wait, wait. Did you say higher than you?

Meg:

If I said 10, you’d be like—

David Robbins (19:21):

I think I was self-protecting Dave.

Meg (19:24):

I did say higher. I truly do think that having a consistent date—

Dave Wilson (19:29):

That’s my question is how in the world?

Meg (19:31):

—for sure. That definitely is just that sacred space that we have. And I think that is a huge part of that.

Ann (19:39):

What about the couples right now that are listening that have all toddlers, none of their kids are in school. How do they connect and get that aha?

Meg (19:47):

Hire a babysitter. I mean, I really—

David Robbins (19:51):

If at all possible.

Meg (19:52):

Or a family member or trade time with—

David Robbins (19:56):

Ask a friend for favor.

Meg (19:57):

—somebody else. Yeah. I mean if you don’t have a teenager or a college student you can hire then find another couple. And even if it’s once a month—I mean start somewhere. So our first child had a lot of physical medical needs and so it was hard at first to leave him, but I’ll never forget one of my just mentor moms saying, he will be okay for a couple of hours. You guys need to connect. And he was, he was fine. And I know it’s different for everybody, but I would say those were never wasted even if it was an hour and a half.

Ann (20:33):

It’s so funny, Meg, my pediatrician, when I took our first born in for their monthly check, she said, “Okay, I want you to put on your calendar by the time you come next month, I want you to have had a date night.”

Meg:

Oh wow is amazing.

David Robbins (20:47):

What a holistic pediatrician. Wow!

Meg:

What a doctor! That’s awesome.

Ann (20:49):

I know. And I was like, oh, I was so desperate and tired, like, “Oh, well, okay.” So I got my calendar out and I was like, “Okay, we need to do this.” Such good advice.

David Robbins (21:01):

And one thing I think about in those early days that we didn’t always do well, but I look back and I go, man, I would dial it up even more is in the survival mode, go do playful things that make you laugh or get you—I mean laughter. Life is so serious so go do something that’s uncomfortable or go to a comedy show.

(21:19):

I mean truly laugh together or do playful things that make you exercise or whatever. When you’re exhausted and you go, “Let’s go to a fancy dinner and look at each other” and be serious and just close—I mean, yes, you need to connect, but there’s something about all the endorphins of laughter or playfulness, physical activity, what can happen on a walk after you do something silly. There’s science in our brain that allows you to connect and go to the places we need to go to. And I’m pretty serious guy. I feel like I learned that a little late, but I’m grateful for the ways when I learned that, how to start tapping into that.

Ann (22:02):

That’s good. That’s great advice.

Dave Wilson (22:03):

That’s pretty exciting to hear. A couple that’s in a high stress job. You guys are leading a major thing, and a lot of our listeners have high stress jobs, even if in a factory, I mean there’s just high, the stress we bring home. And for you guys to say an eight and a nine on romance, that means you can do it even when life is crazy.

David Robbins (22:28):

Yes. Because God is an intimate God and He wants our work and vocation to flow out of intimacy with Him and one another. And at the same time, it took the learnings and the failures in order to establish a rhythm of a Friday. We sure did try a lot of different ways, and it sure used to be a two at certain points when there was a wedge in our relationship.

Meg (22:50):

And we might have a totally different answer in three weeks.

David Robbins (22:53):

Or tomorrow, who knows?

Ann (22:55):

But you didn’t give up. You kept figuring it out.

Dave Wilson (22:58):

And again, we can end here. We all know this. Every marriage drifts—we talk about it at the Weekend to Remember—toward isolation, oneness is a choice. You don’t drift toward oneness; you have to move there.

Meg:

Absolutely.

Dave Wilson:

And what you’re doing on Fridays is a choice to say, we said no to a lot of other things to make sure this happens. And here we are saying an eight or nine. So if there’s a couple listening that “We can’t get there,” yeah, you can. You’re going to have to take one little step at a time and you got to make, they’re hard choices.

Meg (23:30):

It is hard choices, but I do want to reiterate. Ann said it a minute ago. I think everybody has said it, but I think so much of that does flow out of keeping our eyes fixed on the Lord. And the moment that I start—

Dave Wilson (23:42):

The first choice.

Meg (23:43):

Yes. When I start to look to David to bring me all my joy or to be the one who sees me first. He’s amazing. And he does see me really well so much of the time when I let him see what’s there, but he isn’t Jesus and he wasn’t made to meet those places in me the way that the Lord can. But I have to go to him first. And you said it and I just want to reiterate it because it’s so true. I think that it’s the biggest secret of all it.

Ann (24:14):

It’s not a secret. It’s true.

David Robbins:

That’s right.

Dave: Wilson:

Guys, thanks. Come back.

David Robbins:

So fun to be with guys. Thanks for having us.

Meg:

We love being here.

Dave Wilson:

Let me just say this, we meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that’s what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.

Ann (24:34):

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