How to Pray for your Teenage Daughter – Stacey Thacker

Episode Transcript

FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson; Podcast Transcript

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How to Pray for Your Teenage Daughter

Guest:Stacey Thacker

Release Date:October 14, 2025

Stacey (00:00):

Three out of five girls feel persistently lonely or sad. And I’ve looked at what the world does to our girls these days and how it will chew her up and spit her back out like it will. And so I think as moms, as I pray for my girls, my heart for them is just that they would first of all understand just how much God loves them, that they would understand that He wants to write a better love story for them than they would even choose for themselves.

Dave (00:26):

It’s a good day at FamilyLife Today. Should I get my guitar and play something?

Ann (00:30):

No.

Dave (00:30):

Oh. See how she said no to that.

Stacey (00:33):

It was quick.

Dave (00:33):

Stacey doesn’t know what to do. She’s like, “What is happening over there?”

Ann (00:36):

Stacey’s going to be talking about praying for teen girls and this is—

Dave (00:42):

Which we never had to do until we had granddaughters.

Ann (00:44):

I know. That’s why I’m super excited. I already told Stacey, I’m really leaning in these days to hear more about girls, and we already talked—

Dave (00:53):

Oh, I want to open with, I want to read something.

Ann (00:55):

Oh, okay, yeah.

Dave (00:57):

Your introduction: this is so classic, but I want to hear your response. Of course. I don’t know, how many years ago did you write this?

Stacey (01:06):

This actual, this book? It’s been a couple years. I mean books take about two years to process, so I think it was written in 23, I think.

Dave (01:13):

I mean sometimes as an author, we know this, you forget. Oh yeah.

Ann (01:16):

Okay, and remind us before Dave reads this, how old are your girls?

Stacey (01:20):

Okay, so my girls are currently almost 26, 22, 19 and 15.

Dave:

Whoa.

Ann (01:26):

So you’ve got a wide span there.

Stacey (01:28):

Like ten from top to bottom. The bookends are ten years apart.

Dave (01:32):

Well, I’m guessing when—this story is about when they were much younger—am I guess. Here’s what Stacey opened the book with. It hasn’t happened in a few years, mostly because of the current ages of my girls, but there was a day when we would all traipse into a grocery store or Walmart or something like that and the four of them would trail behind me somewhat in age order. I’m seeing little ducklings go across the— Invariably while I was putting one or two of them in the shopping cart and giving instructions to the others to stay close, someone would say to me, over the tops of their heads, “Are all these girls yours?” I would usually smile and say, “Yes they are.” At this point the stranger among us would go into detail about how hard it is to raise girls and how they couldn’t imagine having four—right in front of my girls.

Stacey (02:26):

It’s true.

Dave (02:26):

I would like to tell you that this only happened once or twice or that I didn’t have to bite my tongue every time it happened because I had a thing or two to say that I’d like to have said. True?

Stacey (02:38):

A hundred percent true.

Dave (02:39):

How many times? Like a lot?

Stacey (02:40):

Multiple times we would draw attention specifically because we were all girls and they’re all they’re sisters, so they’re in various states of they look alike in some way. You know what I mean? You can tell that we’re related and people multiple times would come up and say things to us, and I would always, that mama bear would kind of come out of me where I would want to defend them and also wanted my girls to know that we are so thrilled that we have all of them. We were never trying for a boy. It was never even in our discussion. We were just so grateful to have the children that God gave us, and we loved. I think I figured out about the second girl that we were only going to have girls. I just kind of knew. I think God had called me very early to disciple women and I think I just kind of realized, “Oh, these are my women. These are the women that God wants me to disciple and raise.” But I would be so puzzled at their response about how hard their story was, but I didn’t want my girls to feel like they were a burden in that moment.

Dave (03:41):

Yeah, right.

Ann (03:43):

Well done in terms of sticking up for your girls and saying yeah. It’s amazing.

Dave (03:46):

I mean, if you could have said anything you wanted to, what would it have been?

Stacey (03:51):

How dare you? I mean, honestly in front of them, I think it communicated to them that there was something hard about just being a girl. And maybe that is true. I mean, maybe that’s the way the world sees them. I do see that statistically with girls these days, but I think I just never wanted them to think that they were, it was like we got the second prize because we had girls and that’s what was communicated somewhat multiple times from different people that felt the need to tell us.

Dave (04:19):

We have friends that have five boys, and they said the same thing would happen to them.

Ann (04:23):

It happened to me.

Dave (04:25):

Almost to the fact of “You didn’t really want that many. These were mistakes. You wanted one or two but come on.”

Ann (04:31):

This is my grind is when the end of the summer was coming and I’d be at the grocery store with all three and somebody would say, I bet you can’t wait for school to start. And of course there is this part of you, if your kids are in school that, not homeschool but go to school, there is a part of you that knows, “Okay, that will be a break.” But I was always so offended because I would say “I’m so sad.”

Stacey (04:56):

Yeah.

Ann (04:57):

“Because to have these guys in my house all summer is one of the greatest gifts that I could have.” I want my kids to hear that I love them being around. And you did that for your girls too. And it’s not like—we don’t want to put a guilt trip on people that are thinking, “This is super hard, and I do want to get out of this phase,” or “I do have all teenage girls and it’s really emotional and hard.” And we’re not saying that it’s not hard at times, but there’s a beauty in it.

Stacey (05:27):

Yeah, for sure.

Ann (05:28):

Yeah, that’s good.

Dave (05:29):

So coach us up on how to pray for your teen girls. As we walk through your book, you start with how to pray for yourself. And one of the things I’ve found interesting, “Lord, I believe help my unbelief.”

Stacey (05:42):

That one’s about transformation. That comes directly from the story about a man came to the disciples and his son was demon possessed. And I also, while doing research for this book, noticed that there are a lot of demon possessions in the Bible. It’s very common for parents to come and have this conversation and there’s no commentary on that. It’s like, “Oh yeah, okay, that’s logical.” Not making any statements about that with the teenage years at all, but when this man comes and he’s got this son and he’s demon possessed and the disciples can’t heal him, and then Jesus comes up andsays, “What’s going on?” And they have a conversation. One of the things I love about that conversation is that Jesus says, “How long has this been happening?” And I think about that, how much that would’ve meant to that man for Jesus to say, “Hey, I see you.”

(06:25):

“This is hard, and you’ve been carrying this for a long time.” I would imagine in that moment that that man kind of teared up like, “Yeah, it’s been happening since birth.” And that Jesus just sat with him in that moment. And then he said, “If you can help him, please help him.” And Jesus said, “If I can, if I can, anything is possible for him who believes.” And he said that statement, “Lord, I believe help my unbelief.” I think a lot of my prayer life sits right there, “Lord, I know. I know you can part waters,” “Lord, I know that you can calm the storm. I know that you conquered death, but these problems that we’re having right now are so big and so I believe but help me believe it more and help me to believe that you do these things for me and my family in the season that we’re in or what my girls are struggling against.”

(07:10):

Even just as I was driving back and forth here, I was thinking about some things my girls are going through right now and thinking, “God, this is big stuff, and I don’t have any answers, so I believe. I’ve seen you move before. I have history with you, but God, I still have that thread that says will you do it for me? Will you do it for my girls?” So that’s the heart of that prayer pep talk that you get in that second chapter, which is really about me trusting in the Lord and asking Him to do what onlyHecan do.

Ann:

I like that. Your prayer pep talk.

Stacey:

That’s what they are. Nine prayer pep talks for you before you start praying, I need them. So I hope that it’s encouraging.

Dave (07:45):

Well, I mean I think every mom and dad needs them. When you’re saying that, I’m like, “Oh my goodness.” So every day, I believe but help my unbelief because there are times, it may not even be unbelief, but it’s like, I don’t know what you want. I hope this is what you want for my child, but I don’t know how to even pray, but I’m going to pray and help me when I doubt.

Stacey (08:07):

And I think that’s a prayer that the Lord loves to answer. And in that story, He does heal his son. And I think, what a moment. But really what happened in that moment when that father admitted, “Hey, I brought him here. I came looking for you, but will you do that for us?” I just think it’s such a beautiful moment that he sits in with the Savior and Jesus says, “Yeah, I can do that and more.”

Ann (08:27):

Well, and I love that you talk about, one of your chapters is called Lord Pursue Her Heart, and you give some statistics in that. And even as you said, “My girls are going through some big things,” what are things generally speaking in these statistics? What’s happening in girls’ hearts right now of why we should be praying?

Stacey (08:47):

Well, the statistics are startling. I think the statistic you’re referring to is that three in five girls—now these are statistics that were taken a few years ago because the way statistics works. You don’t get them in the moment—but three out of five girls feel persistently lonely or sad. So I think girls, as we kind of stereotypical we’ll say a girl has big emotions or big feelings. I think in general though girls as a whole are sad and they’re lonely and they’re anxious even more so. I think the statistics say that almost twice that of boy counterparts.

Dave (09:18):

Yeah, I’m looking at it; 60% increase in the last five years.

Stacey (09:22):

In the last few years I think there was a startling study out of UCLA that talked about how they had to add extra help lines at the UCLA hospital because of the suicide rate. So I think what’s happening with girls is I think that they’re sad and they’re lonely and I think they’re comparing themselves to other girls that they think are so much better than them. And I think because they’re struggling in that, we see girls making decisions like choosing things like that and calling hotlines and those kinds of things. And so it’s terrifying for a mother. It’s terrifying to read those and to think, where are my girls on this? Or maybe my girls are right in the thick of that. And so I think when that prayer of, “Lord, pursue her heart” is that I have always believed that if my girls really grasp how high and how wide and how deep God’s love is for them, that they would understand that He wants to write a better love story for them than they would even choose for themselves. That we can look at social media and go, “Oh, girls are winning. They’re doing great.”

Ann (10:22):

That’s what I was going to say. We’re living a culture where girls are being elevated, they can do anything. And yet those statistics—

Stacey (10:29):

Internally.

Ann:

—internally they’re like—

Stacey:

It’s a very different story. And so I think as moms, as I pray for my girls, my heart for them is just that they would first of all understand just how much God loves them and that they would anchor themselves right there in that truth. I feel like if we can get that settled that everything else will fall into place. Not easily necessarily, but I do think that we are in a time right now that’s critical for girls to understand how God loves them, who they are in Christ, understanding their importance and their worth. I think a lot of girls are stuck in this idea that I have to produce something, I have to look a certain way. I mean, these are things we probably struggled with too, but the difference is, and not to harp on social media, but social media accentuates and elevates everything. It exaggerates everything.

So when we were growing up, we may not feel like we compared to a picture in a magazine, but now we have multiple images all day long in our face looking at how we’re supposed to look and feel and think and conquer. And I think girls are starting to realize, “Hey, this isn’t realistic. And so what about me? How do I live my life?” And so I think honestly, if you are a mom of a teen girl right now, prayer is the best place to start because you’re feeling overwhelmed somewhat as well.

Dave (11:47):

So what else? I mean, you’re going to get on your knees and pray specifically that because it’s such a highlighted dilemma for these young girls. But what else can a mom or dad do? Or what do you do?

Stacey (11:59):

Well, so much of my story really is relationship with my girls. We are a family that I would say lives life on top of each other and the fact that we’ve just, we’ve done a lot of hard life together. And so we’ve done those years. I think if you’re looking at a situation where maybe your girl’s pulled away from you or you think, “Hey, that’s not my story.” I think starting with relationship first. You getting right with the Lord, you making sure that you are talking to Him on a daily basis and then you’re growing and transforming and asking God to grow in your faith. But then even making yourself available and opening up the door for your daughter and saying—

Ann (12:32):

What’s that look like?

Stacey (12:33):

Well, I think first of all, you can admit, hey, I’m not the perfect mom. I have my struggles, and I know there’s some things you probably wish you could change about me as your mom, but here we are. We’re in this together and I want to start over. I want to start something new with you and just want to have a conversation. I’m looking for opportunities. One of the things that prayer does for me is it keeps my eyes and ears open, and the Lord is just bringing stuff to mind. He’s putting things in front of me. He’s bringing them to mind at certain times of the day. Hey, check on them. Check in on them, listening to prompts and listening to what they’re saying about their friends, things that happened at school, what’s going on. They will give you clues. They may not give you the whole story initially, but those kinds of things. What my prayer life is doing is it’s keeping me sensitive to what’s going on in their life and in their friends’ lives.

Ann (13:21):

Well, even when we talked the other day, you mentioned you guys have dinner together a lot. What are you looking for as you’re having dinner together? I’m guessing your dinner table’s pretty—has a lot of conversation.

Stacey (13:35):

Yeah.

Ann (13:35):

But you’re saying your ears are open.

Dave (13:37):

Does your husband ever talk?

Stacey (13:39):

People always ask that when you’re in a girl household.

Ann:

Do they?

Stacey:

Yeah, he is more of a quiet guy, but he usually kicks off the conversation. He will almost always say, “Okay, who had the best day ever?” And so then we’ll kind of descend from there. And then if it’s not a best day ever, we might then go from there. But he’s good about getting them talking or he’ll say, one of his favorite things to say is, “How have you been lied to today?” And so we start kicking across. I mean, that’s a deep dive, right?

Ann (14:02):

Give us some examples of what they’ve said.

Stacey (14:05):

Things like, “Oh, I saw an article online that said something, and I didn’t really believe it.” Or “Someone, an artist that I really like said this or that kind of thing,” or “There was a news story or something like that,” or “I heard something at school.” That sort of thing they would bring up to that answer to that question. He usually has a reason he asked that because he’s going to tell them what he saw. So he’ll usually when if they pause, he’ll say, “Well, let me tell you what I saw today.” And so we will have a discussion then as a family.

Ann (14:32):

But I love that question even for boys too. How have you been lied to today?

Dave (14:38):

That’s one to write down parents.

Ann (14:40):

Wow.

Dave (14:40):

Seriously. If you’ve never asked that question, that would—pop that one on your kids.

Stacey (14:45):

It’s a good one.

Dave (14:46):

Yeah, because they’re going to have an answer.

Stacey (14:48):

Well, and so often with lies, it’s just a tweak of the truth. It’s adjacent to the truth. It’s just a little bit twisted. I mean, if we look at what happened in the garden, that’s what happens.

Ann (14:58):

That’s what I was going to say. This is a lot like the chapter on May She See What is True. So go into that with that scripture.

Stacey (15:05):

So when the enemy approached Eve, he questioned, did God really say that? And when she tells him what God said, she misses it a little bit. She exaggerates the boundary and then she adds to it, right? Or we can’t touch anything, or we’ll die. Well, that’s not what he said. It was just a little tweak. And as soon as she opens that door, he pounces, and then that’s where the temptation falls.

Stacey (15:32):

And so I think with our girls, one of the things we just want to make them aware of is that the lies and the enemy doesn’t come at you usually real obvious. It’s usually just a subtle tweak on what you think might, you might have a hint of truth to it. So having those discussions, that’s one of the things with family dinner has been important for us is it gives us a chance to each get our eyes on each other and have those kinds of conversations. I mean, it’s not always that deep and rich and hard. Sometimes it’s like, “Oh Dad, it’s just a normal day” kind of thing. But I think it’s just having, opening up a conversation where they know they can ask those questions, and they can be real.

Ann (16:08):

Let me ask you with daughters, and one daughter may say, “This was really hard today. This is how I was lied to.” Are there times when the other sister will kind of come alongside and you’ve seen that?

Stacey (16:20):

Yeah. Well, they’re so fun. They have—as a family unit, they have a great relationship. They all kind of gravitate to different, they have buddies within the four that kind of gravitate. But we have some that are more, I would say more truth tellers than others in the sense that they’ll be like, “Oh yeah, that’s wrong.” And then some of them be like, “Oh, I’m so sad that happened to you.” You know what I mean? There’s different kind of things happening all at once, but some of them are more truth tellers than others. But yeah, they’ll come to their defense for sure and help them, I would say, right the ship. If the ship has gotten off course, they’ll help them kind of get back to.

Ann:

It’s really sweet.

Stacey:

Yeah. Yeah.

Dave (16:57):

I’ll tell you what, if there was one thing that brought us together when our kids were teenagers, it was prayer. What parent doesn’t need God to help them raise teenagers?

Ann (17:09):

We want to help you if you’re going through great things with your teens and hard things with your teens.

Dave (17:14):

So we’ve got a prayer guide to help you pray for your teens. You can go to FamilyLife.com/prayforteens and download the prayer guide.

Ann (17:21):

It’s a free download too.

Dave (17:23):

Again, FamilyLife.com/prayforteens.

Ann (17:29):

So as I am listening to you, Stacey, was there a time, have you always been this prayer warrior, prayer was so important? What started you off on like, man, I have to be doing this for my kids?

Stacey (17:42):

That’s a great question. I think some of us feel like prayer is a last resort. I’m going to do everything until I can’t do anything else, and then I’m going to pray. And God has been very gracious to me to bring me to desperation very quickly in our family story. We went through a series of events in our family several years ago that repeatedly brought me to my knees. The first was my dad passed away in 2014, and we were very close watching my girls go through that in various ages, losing a grandparent. It was hard. It was really hard.

Dave (18:19):

Was it unexpected?

Stacey (18:20):

He had battled cancer for years, but he died suddenly. And so it was really a huge loss. So he’s been gone over 11 years, which is crazy to me. And so that was a hard season, and my girls were super close to him. He was a great grandpa. And so I watched them grieve that. About a year after my dad passed, one of my girls right before she turned ten was diagnosed with a severe chronic illness, which landed us in the hospital for about eight days. And so that moment when she was in the hospital and we didn’t know what was going on was a moment of desperation where I wrestled hard with the Lord and having lost my dad and kind of sensing the Lord, say, “Hey, do you trust me with your past?” I was sitting at the side bedside of my daughter and God was saying, “Do you trust me with your future?”

(19:04):

“Do you trust me with your girl?” And I have to tell you in that moment, I don’t know how I was answering that. I just knew that I needed Him to come and come quickly. And so we walked through that season. It continues to this day to be a daily thing that we fight against and struggle with. But watching her and her sisters respond to a life-threatening disease that a child was going through, that’ll make anybody desperate. And for all of them too, wondering, “Why didn’t I have that and why does she? Am I going to get sick?” That kind of thing, that kind of response. And then about a year later, my husband suffered a sudden cardiac arrest and praise God, unbelievable miracle story. A whole story in itself is that he survived. And so those three things I will tell you leveled me and showed me that I had to be on my knees for my family, for my girls, watching my girls walk through trauma, answering really hard questions.

(20:02):

Prayer became for me a lifeline. And I will tell you to this day that one of the blessings of all of that struggle of those successive years was that through that time God showed me that I could trust Him not only with my past and my future, but my family and facing impossible things; saw Him move in ways that were unbelievable miracle stories. So that’s the blessing of coming through a trial and a trauma like that is that my girls can look at our story and say, “We’ve actually seen God do a miracle in our family more than once.”

Dave (20:32):

During that time, was there lament? Was there promise prayers that you just—

Ann (20:38):

God, what are you doing?

Dave (20:39):

—voiced out, “Man, I don’t know what’s going on. Help my unbelief.”

Stacey (20:42):

Yeah, well, for sure, and I talk about this a little bit in the book, and I think about what our gone through, and I would’ve said at the time, “No,” if I was in charge, “No, no, Lord, we’re not doing this again.” In fact, people, when my husband went through his heart issue, people came and went like, “What in the world, are you kidding me? I can’t even believe this is happening to your family.” And I remember at the time, if I would’ve been in charge, I would’ve been like, “Nope, we’re not going here.” But what I’ve learned is that when you go through trials, it produces character and it produces endurance and it produces hope and those things that it produces in us, I see those things in my girls’ lives and I think, “Okay, that’s the fruit. That’s the fruit of the hard.” It’s funny when you say that about lament. I think I was lamenting, but I didn’t have language for it. I didn’t know. I started at that time previous to this, had written a book called Threadbare Prayer, and I wrote that whole book. I didn’t even realize it was a lament book until later. I had actually studied the process of lament, and I went, “Oh”—

Ann (21:46):

That’s what I was doing.

Stacey:

—”that’s what I was doing in those years.” And so it really became a beautiful aha moment for me to be, “Oh, that’s what I was doing and how sweet the Lord was in that time to really show me who He was.”

Ann (21:57):

I feel like that’s so often true that when I meet a prayer warrior, they couldn’t live without being on their knees. I can’t do this apart from you, God. And I feel like that same thing with each of our children. When they were born, they were all in the Nicu.

(22:15):

And the first one, I remember the doctor coming in saying, “I think he has a skull fracture” from the traumatic birth. And I remember him leaving. Dave had gone home to get something, and I was by myself in the hospital bed. And I remember that same kind of prompting of my spirit of God saying, “Can you give him to me?” And when you don’t know the outcome, that’s a really scary question. Does that mean you want to take him? Does that mean he’s mine? Does that mean there’s going to be a—there’s so many things that go through your head, and I wrestled with it because I know God’s good, but I don’t want to walk through what that could mean.

Number two child is born six and a half weeks early; the doctor comes in the same kind of thing. I’m like, “Seriously Jesus?” And so by the time number three and everything had gone great, I’m like, “Okay, finally I’ve learned how to surrender this to Jesus.” The doctor comes in again and says, “Hey, when we were bathing your son, he stopped breathing, and we had to resuscitate him.” And I’m like, “Come on, Lord.” But each time I felt like it was that moment of Abraham and Isaac of putting him on the altar of just allowing God to have them and realizing like, “Lord, I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I can’t do it without you.” That’s what I know.

Stacey (23:38):

I think so much of our parenting, I know this is for me, is about control. And so I listened to your story, and I think about from the get-go, God’s going “You’re not in control here.”

Ann:

I know.

Stacey:

And not to be cruel, never to be cruel, but just to be very clear here, he’s mine or she’s mine. And I think about, for me, so much of my prayer life has been me fearful and afraid.

(24:03):

And as what prayer has done is it stops the spiral. It stops me from going crazy and it begins to build my endurance to say, you know what? Just like you, I’m guessing that you got there quicker by the third when you got back to where you needed to be with the Lord quicker than you did probably the first or second because oh, I’ve been here before. I have some history. I’ve walked this with the Lord. And so I look at my prayer life, and I think, “Why would God call me to prayer?” Because I’m a control freak. A hundred percent a control freak. And God is saying to me, “Sweetie, no, you do not hold the world together. That is my job. You don’t even hold your family together. And also you don’t hold yourself together.”

Ann (24:45):

And this is out of love, like “Honey, I’m going to do it for you, so you don’t have to worry and stress about it.” Yes, but I still want to take control.

Dave (24:52):

Yeah, we think we’re better. We know better.

Ann (24:55):

No, we know we’re not that but what is that?

Dave (24:57):

At times and the thing is you have older kids now. It doesn’t end.

Stacey (25:02):

It doesn’t end.

Dave (25:03):

You think it’s going to end like, “Oh, they’re going to go off, and you’re done.” You’re like, “Nope. You never stop praying.”

Stacey (25:09):

You’re always a parent.

Dave (25:11):

Always.

Stacey (25:11):

Always going to be a parent of those children. Even if they’re grown up and out of the house and living their own lives and become parents of their own, you’re always going to parent them. I think what we have in the sweetness of the teenage years is that we have kind of one foot still home and one foot kind of out, and you do kind of feel that clock ticking. You kind of feel like, “Oh gosh, I got to get this right now.” But I think what prayer is, what I’ve been reminded of is even though I know at the end of the day though, I feel like I want to be in control, that God does it better and that I can trust Him with that. It is such a trust walk to say, “God, you love her. You love him more than I do so much more. And you’re able to do the things that I can’t do. And if I wrote the script, it’d be very different, but I trust you with them no matter where I think they are right now, you hold them in your hands.” And that’s been part of the journey for me is trusting Him more than believing in my own fear.

Ann:

That’s good.

Dave (26:09):

Okay. You have two chapters that seem contradictory: Lord Make Her Strong, Lord Keep Her Soft. Which one is it?

Stacey (26:18):

Yes, the answer is yes. It’s both and. It’s so neat. I mean, I think we live in a day and age where girl power is cool to be strong kind of thing. And I think that’s great. I think the form of strength that I would allude to in the book is being empowered by the Holy Spirit and that strength coming from their personal relationship with him, understanding who they are, their position in Christ, that He dwells in them, that through Him they’re more than conquerors, those kinds of things. We want girls to be strong. I think I remember years ago, one of my girls who shall be nameless was running down the hall at church and I was mortified and there was an older wiser woman standing next to me and she leaned over, and she goes, “We really need our girls to have a bit of spirit in them, don’t we?”

(27:02):

That it was okay that my daughter was running down the hallway. And I’ve looked at what the world does to our girls these days and how it will chew her up and spit her back out, like it will. It’s hard to be a girl. And so I want them to have a strength. I want them to have character. And so that idea of strength, like God, the Lord is my strength. He my makes me strong. He makes my feet take wise steps like the deer, like Habakkuk 3:19. But I want to them be strong. But at the same time, I want my girls to have a softness to them. I want them to be compassionate. I want them to be gentle. I want them to be kind. I want my girls to be winsome. I want my girls to live in such a way that other people say, “Hey, what is it with you? You’re so kind.”

(27:43):

I want that to be something that’s noticeable. And both of these things are so true in Christ. It’s not a girl thing; it’s a Christ thing. He was strength under control. He had the endurance and the strength to endure the cross, but He had the softness of a shepherd to lead His people and to bear our burdens and to feel our pains. He cried at the tomb of Lazarus even though He knew He was going to raise him from the dead. So He felt His emotions. He was both strong and soft. And so what I really want for my girls is them to be like Jesus. That’s what it is. But I think that idea is that they don’t have to choose one. They can actually have both be true and that’ll make them look more like Him.

Ann (28:23):

So how have you done that? You’ve prayed for it as probably when they’re little, but what are some of the things, what were the conversations and what are the things that helped build that for them to understand that strong part of them, of what that looks like, but also the soft part of it?

Stacey (28:41):

Well, and I will say probably in our house, the soft part was more natural. My girls have big hearts. They’re very kind. My girls have the sweetest empathy. I think partially because of what I shared, what we’ve gone through. Our girls have lived really hard stories. I mean, it’s really hard to see your dad almost die.

Ann (29:02):

How old was he when that happened?

Stacey (29:04):

Oh golly. So that was eight years ago. I think he was like 48.

Dave (29:07):

So he is young.

Stacey (29:07):

Yeah, he was young. It was sudden. It was very sudden.

Dave (29:11):

So did they watch him like he was in bed for a while?

Stacey (29:13):

Yeah, he was in the hospital for over a month. So they’ve really watched, I think because of the hardness of our story, they have deep empathy for others who are hurting, and they understand the uncertainty, and they understood that at a very young age.

Ann (29:28):

And yet girls can be cruel to one another at times. Friendship is one of those hard things with girls. Have they kept that softness even when maybe girls have been mean or jealous or—

Stacey (29:41):

Every one of my girls, every one of them have had a friendship blow up for some reason. And I talk about one in the book where having gone through this so many times, it always catches me off guard a little bit. I’m like, “Wow, why are we here again?” But because girls feel deeply and they typically relate, come to relationships a little more freely, that’s not always the case, but at least what I’ve learned, and they bring friends in very quickly and easily. And then when there’s a painful rejection of some sort, we have those long deep conversations about what this means and the kind of friends we have and how people are going to disappoint us and how you’re going to disappoint people. But the only one who’s not going to disappoint us is your friend Jesus. And that sounds so hokey, but it’s so true. Reminding them of those things.

Ann (30:30):

Do they get it? Do they kind of like—

Stacey (30:31):

They’re in process of getting that. Yes. Yes. Some at different times. And we revisit those lessons. I mean, it’s not like we learn it once and then we’re done. I mean, I think they have to come to those places on their own, in their own time and at different times, just as you said, you were learning by layers. They’re learning those too.

I think one of the things, and I love, and I’ve been thinking a lot about strength in my girls and this idea of resilience and this idea of them being strong. “Hey, you can do hard things. You can do hard things.” We do have those conversations. I try really hard to model that. I try to say, “Hey, this is hard, but I’m going to do it anyway. And we don’t always get to do the fun things. We have to do the hard things too.”

(31:11):

I think that’s in the day and age we live in, it’s going to be required of all of us. But I think especially for my girls is to remind them, “Hey, you have the living Savior in you. You have that strength. That’s the strength to raise Christ from the dead. You have access to that. So you are not unable to do this. If this is something the Lord has called you to, you have that capacity to do this becauseHewill equip you in the process.” But I think the strength conversation for us at least has been a little harder to come by than the softness has been a little bit more natural. But we’re working on both.

Ann (31:42):

I think just saying that you can do hard things and trusting them to do it, that’s a big deal. I feel like my parents were really good at that when I was little, like, “Oh, you can do it.” And inside I’m thinking, “No, I can’t. I’m just a little kid. I can’t do it.” But they had so much confidence in me, and then I didn’t even grow up in a Christian home, but had they prayed for me too, “Lord, thank you that you’ve made Ann strong and that she’s able to do so many things.”

Dave (32:11):

Yeah, but you’re so soft too.

Ann (32:15):

I don’t think I was soft.

Dave (32:16):

It is the greatest blend. So it drew me to her. The strength was even now I can sense Stacey, you’re the same way. There’s a strength in you women that’s strong in Jesus and as a mom, and Ann was an athlete, I played with her brother. So foul balls go off, and I’d literally watch her beat all the boys to the ball, push them out of the way, grab the ball, run back faster than all of them, like this girl. And then when we started dating, I’m like, “She’s strong, but she’s tender.” There’s a love for people. There’s a compassion for others that I could care less. Like, “Come on, let’s go. What are you stopping and helping that person we don’t even know?” It’s a total stranger. And she sees it and it’s just so there’s that strength and softness. It’s beautiful that you’re praying for your daughter. I think it’s Jesus.

Stacey (33:07):

It’s Jesus.

Dave (33:08):

And for women to carry that into the next generation, I’m a blessed man.

Let me just pause and say this. Our financial partners are the heartbeat of this ministry.

Ann (33:21):

Yes.

Dave (33:21):

And when you join this monthly giving community, you’re not just donating. You’re building something eternal.

Ann (33:27):

And we’d be incredibly honored to have you on the journey with us. We really would. So here’s the question, will you join us today?

Dave (33:36):

If so, just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and you can click the donate button right there and become a part of the monthly partner program. Okay, back to the conversation.

It’s interesting, we’re going to talk about some of the things you prayed for about their friends, but I just noticing you didn’t pray anything about boyfriends.

Stacey (33:54):

Yep. That is very true. Now what’s interesting is I did say in the friendship chapter, I know you’re probably expecting a whole chapter on dating. I didn’t feel the Lord leading me that way. I really feel like, here’s how I’m going to be honest. If you’re praying these things for your girl, and the Friendship chapter really applies to their boyfriends, the relationships they’re going to have with boys and dating and that sort of thing, it all applies. I want them to be strong and soft. I want them to be kept by the Lord. I want them to pursue truth. I want them to know that God loves them more. All of these things factor in so praying that she understands her true worth. If she understands her true worth in Jesus, she’s not going to give the time of day to a young man who doesn’t deserve her. Do you know what I mean? So I feel like it all kind of, it doesn’t have to be this, this big thing. I feel like it’s just another form of friendship. Now, I could be persuaded otherwise potentially, but I feel like if you’re praying for your daughter and you’re engaged and you’re listening, those things are going to come pretty naturally. She’s not going to entertain someone who isn’t worthy of her, we would hope.

Dave (34:55):

Have you prayed boys out of her life?

Stacey (34:57):

Not yet. No. We haven’t had that. But I think that’s a great thing to keep in mind should someone come around that wasn’t worthy.

Dave:

We have.

Ann (35:04):

I not only pray it to myself, but I have a whole set of friends that have been in a small group together for years, and we just know, can you pray them out of this relationship when you just know it’s not a healthy one?

Dave (35:21):

I mean, we had, one of our sons was dating a girl, and we were sort of thinking this is not good.

Stacey (35:25):

Yeah.

Dave (35:27):

You talk to them a little bit, but it’s their life, and so you can’t be too controlling. But we’re praying that that would end. And he comes home one night after taking her out and had been like ten minutes, picked her up, comes back by himself, we’re like, what’s going on? He goes, well, I picked her up and she was in a really bad mood. So I turned to her and he’s a very analytical son. He turns to her and says, are you going to be like this all night, in a bad mood? She goes, “Well, yeah, maybe.” He goes, “Yeah, well I’m going to take you home. I don’t want to be with you.” Well, that ended that relationship. That ended pretty quick.

Stacey (35:58):

But how did you cover? Did you be like, “Oh yeah, sorry.” Or be like, “Yeah, that’s a good move.” I was just curious how you paired on the other side of that.

Ann (36:03):

He wasn’t mean about it, and they didn’t break up right away.

Dave (36:09):

It’s just the way he thinks, like “This is not going to be a good night.” And he knew it, and he was right.

Ann (36:13):

You’re not going to be happy, and I’m not going to be happy if you’re like this, so we might as well just, I’m going to go do something else tonight. I’m like, “Oh my goodness.”

Dave (36:19):

That relationship ended soon after. We’re like, “Good move.”

Stacey (36:24):

Answer to prayer. That’s a good one. I’ll have to remember that.

Dave (36:28):

So talk about the friendship factor, because for guys, it’s critical. We have to have men in our lives.

Ann (36:37):

Wait, I feel like that’s such a, so many men have no friends in their lives.

Dave (36:42):

I’m saying we don’t, but I know—

Ann (36:45):

It’s critical.

Dave (36:45):

—and I preach it to boys and men. We have to have this. It’s critical. Women get it better. It seems like they’re more relational, they come to it quicker.

Ann (36:53):

They bond through communication.

Dave (36:55):

But it also seems like they disintegrate and it doesn’t go well. There’s all this nitpicking. Again, I’m making very general specific statements that are probably overboard, but how does it work for girls as you’re a mom watching this because it’s so critical, you’re praying for it. What’s it look like?

Stacey (37:12):

Well, I think in these teen years, what happens is the peer group just rises in importance. Whereas before, my daughter would say, “Oh, she’s my best friend now.” It’s like, “No, really, we’re best friends. We are.” It takes on this exaggerated presence in your life to the point where you’re like, “Wait, I thought I was your best friend.” You know what I mean? “You don’t want to spend time with me.” And as a mom of girls, you kind of feel displaced, but that’s normal. Just so you know, with the 11-year-old granddaughter coming out, that’s normal is that friendships become so key in their lives. So we hope and pray they choose well to choose friends that are going to point them to Jesus, but at the same time as we have to be teaching them how to be a friend, teaching them to say, “Hey, are you encouraging?”

(38:02):

“Are you mutually encouraging? Are you helping your friend grow?” And obviously if they’re on the younger teenage years, you’re probably not going to have those exact conversations. But I think for my girls, the friendships that have stuck have been the friends that have helped them get to Jesus when they couldn’t get there on their own. Those are the friends we pray for, the friendships that will endure hardships, the friendships who stayed, the friendships who were committed long term, almost for all of my girls, and I have some older girls too. The friendships that have really stuck have been the ones that have been founded in their faith.

Ann (38:31):

Give us an example. I know that this has probably happened of one of your girls coming in crushed because of feeling like a betrayal of a friend or someone has crushed them.

Stacey (38:42):

Yeah.

Ann (38:44):

As a mom, you could be really emotional about it too, because that seems just mean. I just have granddaughters that I’m like, I’m thinking “That is the meanest thing ever.” And I’m sure you’ve thought that as a mom. How do you pray for your daughter in those situations when feelings are at that pivotal point?

Stacey (39:04):

Well, I’ll tell you a story I talk about in the book is I was at home and one of my girls, I heard her before I saw her, I could hear her sobbing. And I was like, “What in the world?” And so I was standing on one side of the bathroom door, and I literally had my hands on the door going, “Okay, Lord, okay, give me strength, give me wisdom, help me know what to say.” I knew it was going to be hard. I didn’t even know she was going to open the door.

Ann (39:28):

What a great prayer though.

Stacey (39:29):

“I don’t know. I don’t know what, just don’t let me say anything wrong.” These are very honest prayers. And so I knocked and I said, “Are you okay?” I know she’s not, but I’m not going to give her a chance. And she didn’t say anything. She literally just opened the door and held out her phone, held out the phone outside the door, and I picked it up and read through enough of the group text to know that there had been a rejection via group text, which was hard, really, really hard. And in my mind, I’m thinking, “Oh my goodness, how dare they.” I had those feelings. Why would people do this? But God very gently just said, “Take a deep breath. Try to just ground her a little bit.” And so I remember I went and got her water, and I got her some water, and I sat down on the—we were literally in the bathroom floor sitting on the floor together.

(40:20):

And I said, “Do you want to talk about it?” That’s always a great place to start because I could start going. I could start telling her all the things are wrong and move on. They’re not worth it, kind of thing, but you want to talk about it. And slowly as she could, she kind of unrolled the story and we processed that together. And I just said, “I’m sorry. I don’t really have any answers. It happens. Friendships, sometimes friendships aren’t forever. Sometimes friends disappoint us. That’s the risk we take. It doesn’t mean we don’t make for new friends, but I think if you can just see your way through this, just know that we will make a pathway through. We’ll figure out what to do tomorrow because tomorrow is a school day, and you’re going to have to face them in person, and we’re going to make a way through this.”

(41:04):

And God has been very kind in those stories to help them see how they can handle it on the other side, just letting them know that they’re not alone, praying with her and for her in those moments and just saying, “I love you and here’s what you can do. Don’t text back. We always say things that we wish we wouldn’t have. And through a text and text has no feeling like, let’s process what you need to say in this moment and let’s regroup. Let’s get some rest, and tomorrow we’ll start fresh.” And nine times out of ten, the Lord just gently redirects them and helps them find a way through that and they grow through it. And that’s all we can ask.

Dave (41:44):

I mean, it’s so beautiful—the phone.

Stacey (41:46):

The phone out the door.

Dave (41:47):

Which means—

Ann (41:48):

She trusts you.

Dave (41:49):

—you’re my friend, I need a friend. You’re my mom, but I need a friend right now and I trust you. It could have been “Uh uh,” which so many would do. It’s like, “Ah, this is mine. I’m going to deal with it on my own.” But you’ve built trust probably all those dinners, all the things you’re talking about, build all that.

Stacey (42:06):

I think as moms and dads too, I think we want to fix it. We just want to tell them what to do. And really in those moments, what they need more is us just to sit with a minute and just to say, “This is hard, and this isn’t fair, and this is unkind, and I know that you’re hurting and I’m sorry.”

Ann (42:21):

And not to shame them or even say things like, “Don’t be so dramatic.”

Stacey (42:26):

Yeah.

Ann (42:27):

“It’s not that big of a deal.” That’s when they would not put the hand out of the door with the phone.

Dave (42:32):

Hey, by the way, husbands, are you listening? This is what your wife needs too. I’m telling you this because I didn’t know that for a long time. That’s what she needs as well.

Ann (42:42):

Well, it’s interesting now for me, because I have three sons and all of my siblings all had sons, so there were no girls at all in the family. So now to have three granddaughters and three daughters-in-law, there is so much more emotion. And it’s this beautiful thing, but it’s like I’m thinking even having granddaughters, there are more tears in the first several years, not when they were little, but as they get a little older, like, man, there’s so much more emotion. And I came from a family that we had to shut all of that down. We weren’t allowed to, or we were shamed for the emotion. And so just to allow them to have those emotions, it’s a beautiful thing, but just to pray over them. It’s a whole new world and one that’s so beautiful because you see God. They’re image bearers, and it’s that part of God that’s celebrates who these girls are. And I feel like you’ve really done that Stacey. You’re celebrating your girls. You’re walking alongside them, celebrating them, praying for them. You are a prayer warrior.

Dave (43:54):

How does your husband do with that?

Stacey (43:56):

With the emotion?

Dave (43:57):

Yeah.

Stacey (43:59):

It’s interesting. We always, obviously God knew what He was doing when He made him a girl dad. He handles it differently. And that part of him that is solid and gentle and thoughtful, he can kind of speak into that. And sometimes when I’m having trouble getting there because my emotions match their emotions or go higher, he can kind of level things and make things more grounded and more like, let’s talk about that. And if a situation is elevated, he can kind of bring the temperature down a little bit. So he’s not afraid to enter in those conversations.

Ann (44:34):

If he’s asking the questions—

Stacey (44:36):

How are you lied today? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s willing.

Ann (44:39):

What does it mean for your last chapter, Lord, Light Her Path?

Stacey (44:44):

Well, that’s a chapter really about helping our girls find their purpose. And ironically, really having these kinds of conversations with some of my older girls right now about how God has made them and what he wants them to do with their life. I think kids, I think teenagers really care about this. I think this generation is very aware of their gifts, of their abilities, their possibilities, because they see—I mean, so many teenagers are influencers on Instagram, and they have followings bigger than mine, so they see possibility all around them and how they can be something, which is great on one hand. But I did an interesting survey. I had asked—I mean, this was very unofficial. I believe in these as well as I asked some of my girls’ friends, “Hey, I want to share with you some things I’m working on for this book, and I’m going to tell you the different areas.”

(45:32):

“Which area do you want prayed for the most? Which one appeals to you the most?” And the area that girls picked overall that they wanted prayer for was, help me find my purpose. Lord, light my path. I want to know what I’m supposed to do with my life. To the point it was over double. They chose it twice as much as the other categories for friends and to feel loved. Isn’t that interesting? I had no idea. I mean, I think I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I was still in college going, “What am I going to be?” I had no clue. I mean, I’m still figuring this out, but these girls, this age, this generation is really, they really care about this. And to them, it’s very important to be all that they can be. And so I thought that was interesting for me, that looks like, “Hey, you know what?”

(46:22):

“You don’t have to know what you’re doing for the next ten years. You just have to trust God with the next step” and asking them to say, “Hey, what do you think God wants to do next? What do you see God work? Where do you see him at work around you? What are some of the gifts and abilities that you have that we can develop, or we can help draw out or we can build into, or we maybe we can strengthen in some way?” And so that’s been a conversation. We’re having a lot at the Thacker home about futures and what we’re doing with our lives and taking baby steps here and there.

Ann (46:48):

You are a good mom. I just even to go through each of your four, and I’m sure you’re not doing that as much, but maybe you are with your youngest. She’s 15?

Stacey (46:59):

Going on 20, pretty much. Yeah. She actually said to me yesterday, we were driving and she’s like, “Hey mom, how’s it feel to know that in a month I’m going to be 16?” And I was like, “Well, I have had other 16-year-olds.” She’s like, “But I’ve not been 16 yet.” I’m like, “This is true. This is true.” So yeah.

Dave (47:16):

Here’s a question, maybe we end with this. What would you say to moms of teen boys as you’re thinking about your girls and men in their lives? What are you hoping these moms are teaching or praying for their sons?

Stacey (47:33):

I hope that they feel encouraged to be men and specifically men of God, to lead well, to recognize the strength of their future spouse or if they’re dating or their friends, that they support them, that they would run with them in a way that helped them be all that they could be as well. I think I hear from my friends who are raising boys that it’s hard to be a man these days and raising men. I want moms of boys to raise men. I want them to raise men that honor women and respect women and see them and the gift that they are and how they image God and how they do it so beautifully. Not less than, but in a way that together we can portray this full picture of who God is through our being male and female. I just think I want moms of teen boys to raise young men who love and honor God and love and honor the women in their lives as well.

Ann (48:29):

And what kind of prayers are you praying for your girls, whether they remain single or get married, for their future? What do those prayers sound like?

Stacey (48:38):

Again, I would go back to I feel like if their first friend is Jesus, if they are walking closely with Him, whether or not God chooses to bring a marriage relationship in their life. I think for my girls, they would say, several of my girls would say, “Well, I really want to be a mom someday.” They really want to be a mom. And I think, “Lord, I don’t know what your plan is for them,” but if she’s walking in step with you, no matter what the world throws at her, if she is understanding how much you love her—I’ll go back to that—if she understands she’s grounded in that love, that she’s being sanctified through the truth, that she’s in the word of God, that she’s walking in step with the Spirit, all of those things, whether those are of God’s plan is she’s going to be complete and she’s going to be satisfied in Him because He is what really matters in her life.

Ann (49:25):

He’s her first love.

Stacey (49:26):

He’s her first love. And even if that doesn’t come with a marriage relationship and a family relationship, if God would choose. I will often tell my girls, I do believe that God, He wants to give us the desires of your heart. And I believe that for you. I believe that He will bring that into your life. That’s a hard conversation. I want those things for my girls too, but I have to, again, He knows the plan and the path and what they’re going to be called to in the days ahead. And perhaps if that’s not his plan, well we know He would have a better plan for them. I will tell you this, I’ll end with this, is that I always tell my girls that his nos are always mercy. And if that’s a no from the Lord knowing that they would want that in their lives, then it’s a mercy for them in some way. Though I can’t see it now, maybe someday.

Ann (50:06):

That’s good. I would love for you to pray for moms with daughters of just because as we started our time and discussion today, you’re talking about some of the stats of girls being anxious and worried and like will you pray for them?

Stacey:

Of course.

Dave (50:20):

Before you do, let me say this. FamilyLifeToday.com, show notes, click the link, get the book.

Stacey (50:26):

Father, thank you so much for these girls that you’ve given us. Thank you for loving them and thank you for giving them, giving them to us to raise. And God, I just pray for all the moms right now, the aunts, anybody who loves a teen girl as a spiritual mama, whether she’s her birth mom or not, I pray for them right now. I pray that you’d pour wisdom into their hearts. I pray that you give them the patience and the gentleness to raise and love and lead girls to walk with you and know you better. God, I pray for our girls, God, that they would be strong, that they’d be soft. I pray that you’d pursue their heart. I pray that you be their first love. I pray God, that they would seek what is true. I pray God, when we send them out in cars and on dates into college, into high school and to all the things, to jobs, would you surround them?

(51:10):

There are so many things coming against them in this world, but would you keep them safe? Thank you that you hold them and keep them in the palm of your hand. And God, when it’s time for us to let go, that we would do so with faith and confidence that we can trust them with you. And Lord, I pray for our girls if all they know is the next step, that they would take it with courageous confidence knowing that you provide the strength they need when they need it. God, thank you so much for your grace that we can walk in it and that you give us these girls to lead and walk with every day. And thank you for this wonderful ministry and how you’re using it to impact families all over the world. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Ann (51:46):

Thanks Stacey.

Dave:

Thank you.

Stacey:

Thank you.

Ann:

Hey, thanks for watching and if you liked this episode—

Dave (51:52):

You better like it.

Ann (51:53):

—just hit that like button.

Dave (51:54):

And we’d like you to subscribe. So all you got to do is go down and hit the subscribe—I can’t say the word subscribe. Hit the subscribe button. I don’t think I can say this word.

Ann:

Like and subscribe.

Dave:

Look at that. You say it so easy. Subscribe. There it goes.

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