Loneliness: Don’t Hate It or Waste It: Steve & Jennifer DeWitt

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Loneliness: Don’t Hate It or Waste It

Guest:Steve DeWitt

From the series:Loneliness: Don’t Hate It or Waste It (Day 1 of 3)

Air date:November 18, 2024

Shelby: Hey, Shelby Abbott here. Are you tired of the tension and the division that exists in things like your family gatherings; and your friend groups; and certainly, on social media? I know I am. Well, Psalm 1:33 tells us that it’s good for believers to live in unity with one another; but in today’s kind of easily-angered and often-offended world, that just feels impossible; doesn’t it? It feels like wishful thinking. Well, that’s why I’m excited to invite you to join us, here at FamilyLife, for a five-week video series from our friend—author and comedian—Amberly Neese. It’s called “Moving Toward Each Other in the Middle of a Divisive World.” In it, Amberly just guides us through how to build peace in our natural circles of influence when differing thoughts, and opinions, and beliefs threaten to create division. You could sign up, right now, by clicking on the link in the show notes or heading over to FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround. Again, you can download this five-week video series at FamilyLife.com/FindingCommonGround; or just click on the link in the show notes.

Alright, let’s get into the program.

Steve:We have to be realistic about life in a fallen, broken world, where the final flourishing and fullness is yet to come. Loneliness is part of this fallen world. Someday, we won’t feel lonely ever again; but here and now, it’s going to be a part of the human experience.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave:Alright; you didn’t know I was going to do this, did you?

Ann: No; I didn’t, actually.

Dave:The topic we’re hitting today reminded me of a song that everybody knows—well, maybe some of our younger listeners won’t know—because this was 1968 [singing]: “One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.” Come on; you’re not going to sing? “Two can be as bad as one. It’s the loneliest number; it’s the number one.” You know who that was?

Ann: No, but I remember the song.

Dave:Yes; it’s Three Dog Night. You know who that is, Steve?

Steve:I don’t know that song; I know the group.

Dave:Wait a minute; you don’t know that song? I just said everybody knows that song!

Ann: He’s too young.

Dave: I got to look in the audio room: “Jim Mitchell, Bruce Goff, do you guys know that song?”

Jim: Oh, yeah.

Dave: Three Dog Night.

Bruce: I know the song; I don’t know the group.

Dave: You don’t know Three Dog Night? Well, that sort of does date my age a little bit. I was 11 years old when that song came out; and I didn’t even know it, but it’s written by Harry Nilsson. You guys don’t know who Harry Nilsson is?

Jennifer: No. Are we looking at you blankly?

Dave:So much for classic rock history, right here.

Ann: If Bob Lepine was here, he would be with singing with you.

Dave:He would be singing with me. I was looking at you, thinking you’d sing with me.

Ann: I couldn’t remember the words.

Dave:Come on.

Ann: No; sorry.

Dave: Anyway, it’s this song that really became hit number five in the U.S., because I think it tapped into something that people feel. We got Steve DeWitt with us today, pastor, author of a book called Loneliness: Don’t Hate It or Waste It. Redeem It. So Steve, when I picked up your book, and started reading about that topic, I don’t know why I thought of that song. I guess you didn’t, huh?

Steve:I didn’t. I do talk about a different song, Alone Again (Naturally).

Dave:I was going to sing that one for you—

Ann: I remember that song.

Dave: —[singing]: “Alone again, naturally.”

Ann: I remember that song. So when you mentioned it in the book, I was like singing right along with you.

Steve:I think you just picked the wrong song today.

Dave:I think I did. Usually, I’ve got the whole room singing; but today I am like, “Okay, they’ll probably edit all that out, Steve, so it doesn’t even matter that happened.”

But Steve, talk to us a little bit about—tell our listeners what you do—I know you’re a pastor in northwest Indiana; it’s the home of Ball State University.

Steve:Oh, yes.

Dave:Yeah, the greatest university in the Midwest. Of course, you agree with that.

Steve:I’m—

Dave:I’m striking out here today, folks.

Steve:I am for all Indiana universities as my tax dollars go to support them.

Dave:There you go. So how long have you been a pastor there?—’97?

Steve:Yes, I’ve been, for 27 years. I’ve been the senior pastor of Bethel Church in northwest Indiana. And before that, I was a youth and worship pastor in Indianapolis; and I went to college and seminary in Michigan.

Dave:Where’d you go?

Steve:I went to Cornerstone.

Dave:Oh, yeah; near Grand Rapids, right?

Steve:Yep; born and raised in Iowa, so I’m a Midwest guy.

Dave:And [you] sort of became known as the “Bachelor Pastor.” Tell us what that means.

Steve:Well, that’s true. It’s not a title I ever aspired to; it just kind of came to me, because in God’s providence, His plan for my story was that I would be a single pastor for a couple of decades. And over time—because that is a little unusual—over time, it was a term of endearment, I think, that people called me that. It’s kind of what I was known for.

Dave:And you’re not new to radio. You’ve got—is it daily?—a radio show called The Journey. Tell us what that is. And by the way, shout out to RK Media. Roger and Lori Kemp and the team produce your show. It’s on every single day, and it’s pretty much your sermons?

Steve:It is; it’s my Sunday messages. Yeah, we’re a podcast; we’re a radio program, and we’re on in stations across the country.

Ann: Yeah, like us. We love RK Media.

Dave:Oh, they’re the best.

Ann: We love Roger and Lori. And we are praying for you, Lori; shout out to you.

Steve:Yes, yes; for sure.

Dave: So talk about this book; I know it’s your third book.

Ann: Let me just say, “Thank you for writing this”; because I think, as a listener, if you’re listening to that title, Loneliness—whether you’re married, whether you’re a single mom, whether you’re single, whether you’re a single dad, or just living life—we all face this; and it’s a big deal. I think we’re feeling lonelier than we ever have. I’m sure you probably know the stats on that.

Steve:Well, it is exactly true. All of the statistics indicate the same thing, that we are lonelier than we have ever been, as a society, which is ironic; we’re digitally more connected than any human beings in the history of the world. And simultaneously, we are the loneliest people. The pervasiveness of that—it comes out—and almost every week, there’s another study about the damaging effects of loneliness, not just relationally, but even physiologically. All the numbers are going higher all the time. Governments are trying to figure out: “What do we do about this?” And so it’s a huge problem.

I somewhat, uniquely, come to the matter very personally and pastorally. So personally, I lived many years alone. There’s nothing wrong with that, and it was God’s plan for me. But I had a long time to think about this ache that I had in my heart: “What is this?” and “Why do I feel this?”

Ann: Tell us what it felt like.

Steve:Well, I think most people probably know what that ache is of loneliness. It’s a sense that something is missing—something that is longed for; or maybe, an expectation has been unmet relationally; or maybe, a relationship that once had been there, now isn’t—and so, if you lose a spouse, or a friend, or a loved one, that longing for them to be in your life again, is similar—these are related aches. All of them, I think, come under the rubric of loneliness.

And so, for all those years as I’m pastoring people—and by God’s grace, I pastor in a large setting; so I have thousands of people all around me all the time—and yet, I was alone. I went home to a quiet house that was exactly the way it was when I left. And so putting my pastor hat on, and theologian hat on, I had a lot of time to think about: “Biblically, what is this?” and “Why do I feel this way?” and “Does the Bible have any solutions to loneliness?” and “If so, what are those?”—because I really needed them in my own life.

Dave:Now, did you feel—you used the word before: “ache”—did you feel that? I don’t know if you’re an extrovert or introvert. I’m an extrovert when Ann leaves. If she’s gone for a couple days, every meal, I eat at somebody’s house—”Hey, Dave’s here again,”—it’s just like I’m an extrovert. I hate going home alone—I go play ball; I go play music; whatever—I’m finding ways to do that so I can’t feel that ache when I’m not with Ann. Is that something that you felt every day?

Steve:I didn’t feel it every day, for sure. And being a part of a healthy church is one of the solutions to loneliness, and I had all of that helping me. But at the end of the day, holidays, Steve—not as Pastor Steve, but just the guy, Steve—there was definitely this sense that there’s a dimension that I am made for, which is missing in my life. One of the things I talk about with loneliness is it’s not so much the presence of something—as the absence of something—and not just horizontally but, also, vertically. To understand loneliness: we are, first and foremost, lonely for God. We are made in His image; we’re made for Him. And to understand loneliness, it has to begin with that vertical [relationship] because, as Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they find their rest in You.”

Ann: And what would you say to the people, who are saying, “I need skin; I need skin”? You know how we say that: “But God doesn’t have skin. I need somebody with skin on.” What would you say about that? We’re restless and we’re longing for God.

Steve:Well, I go back to how God made us in the first place. Key to understanding loneliness is the imago dei, the image of God. To understand why we feel this way, we have to understand how God made us to be like Him. And so that includes then, within the Trinity, this remarkable unity so that we say that God is one—they’re in absolute harmony—but also, this diversity that they are three. We see both the social need that God made in us and, also, that longing for harmony, and fullness, and wholeness with somebody else.

Sin brings that all into chaos. In Genesis 3, we see Adam, right away, blames God; and Eve blames Satan; and they feel naked. The entrance of loneliness into the world is that moment in Genesis 3 when sin entered into the world. Loneliness then is not a sin itself—that’s one of my missions—is people feel guilty for feeling lonely. We shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling lonely. God made us to feel lonely; it’s actually a good thing. And when we understand why we feel lonely, we’re halfway to mitigating the loneliness.

Dave:How about—you’re talking about Genesis 3—if you go back a chapter, and you write about this, where God creates Adam. We write about this in our FamilyLife Preparing for Marriage; we have a workbook for couples before they get married. I’ll read something from Preparing for Marriage; it says, “Soon after God created man, He said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make a helper fit for him.’ Genesis 2:18, up to this point, God had looked over each part of creation and said it was good; but not this time—something more was needed—Adam shouldn’t be alone. No sinner flaw was in the world—Adam experienced God in the midst of perfection—yet, Adam was still alone.”

You’re a theologian; you’re a pastor: “What is going on? Because in Genesis 3, we have the fall; but even before Genesis 3, God is saying, “Adam’s alone”; and yet, he has a relationship with God.

Steve:Well, I think it goes back to, again: “Why did God make Adam in His image?”—it is to reflect what God is like. And so it was not only—not good for Adam to be alone—it was not good for the reflection that Adam is alone, because God isn’t alone. And for humanity to reflect what God is like, there had to be another. Eve was created, not to solve Adam’s loneliness; it doesn’t say that he was lonely.

Ann: That’s a good point.

Steve:It says that he was alone. And that should be an encouragement that there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely—aloneness is neutral; loneliness is bad; solitude is good—and when we can kind of put our emotions in those categories, it helps us to understand, not only why we feel the way that we do, but why God made us the way that He made us.

I would look into that creation of Eve as being God’s saying, “Humanity does not fully reflect what we’re like yet.” God delights in His plurality in unity—and think about Jesus talking about the love between the Father and the Son in the upper room, for example—so deep, and enriched, and meaningful. God wanted Adam to similarly experience that flourishing joy; to do so, He made Eve, like Adam, but different. Similarly, we see in the Trinity that—God the Father, God the Son, the Spirit: they are co-eternal; they share the same nature, but there are three different personalities—they’re not exactly the same. And Adam and Eve are not exactly the same, even though they share the same nature. And we see the brilliance of God in creating the way He created us.

It also explains then, in Genesis 3—when that is broken—why we feel the way that we do. Something is missing between us and God; and also, between Adam and Eve.

Ann: Yeah, take us there; because as I was reading your book, I was like, “Oh, this is so”—in the way you described that brokenness in Genesis 3. Take us there.

Steve:Well, I talk about nakedness. Do you want to go to nakedness? Is that where you’re going here?

Ann: Yes.

Steve:Well, truth be told, I had a lot more about nakedness; but the publisher thought it was too much.

Dave: Really?

Steve: So yeah; it’s true. But I think nakedness is such an interesting and, even, visceral reality: all of us recognize that we feel naked. And it’s not when we’re alone that we feel—we shower or whatever—we don’t even think about it. But when we’re around other people, and we’re naked; i.e., the health club shower or whatever it might be, all of a sudden, we become self-conscious.

I talk about why that is: that nakedness is not the absence of clothing; it is the absence of righteousness. And here we are, all these centuries later, and we are living out the same Garden of Eden reality. It’s theology on display—we feel shame—and that shame is a function of that longing that we have to be able to be vulnerable with another human being. But because of sin, we can’t be completely vulnerable; we always have to hide something. And our clothes are not so much about fashion as much as they are about that ancient hiding. All over the world, humanity—whether they’re Christian or not—is living out the reality of the theology of Genesis 3.

Ann: That’s deep, man.

Dave:That’s deep.

Ann: It’s good though: the absence of righteousness. I don’t think I had thought of that before, until I read that; like, “Whoa!” I had to sit in it for a minute, just to understand it. But there is a vulnerability, in our nakedness, in even exposing who we are. But I think, too, we long for someone to truly know us, to truly see us, not necessarily in our nakedness, but—

Dave:—emotionally;—

Ann: —emotionally.

Dave:—soul.

Ann: I think that’s where the loneliness comes in, when we have no one that does that, that sees us and loves us.

Steve: Think about the single scene right now, where people are feeling that longing for vulnerability; they’re lonely. And so they have a series of sexual encounters, hoping that that total vulnerability with another human being will satisfy that longing in their heart. And the testimony, of those who live that lifestyle, is that it doesn’t. And here we are, back in Ecclesiastes, where Solomon says in Ecclesiastes 2: “I had more of this than anybody else; and yet, it’s meaningless without God.”

I would maintain that longing is, first of all, theological; it is vertical. And through Christ, it can be restored, where we are reconciled fully with our Creator. But then, the social dimension of the gospel frees us to be who we are with other people—my identity is now in Jesus Christ—and that frees me; I don’t have to hide; He’s accepted me. And now, you’re another human being—”I’m right with God,”—and so now, it frees us to be more vulnerable; and I would say then, less lonely; because we are not hiding ourselves anymore.

Ann: Let me ask you: I’m thinking of you, as a single pastor, living alone. You probably went through times of loneliness/times of—

Dave:That would be my question:—

Ann: —aloneness.

Dave:—“Earlier you said, ‘You can be alone, but not lonely.’” You were alone—for what?—four decades. You got married—what?—41?

Steve:Forty-four.

Dave: Forty-four; so yeah.

Ann: But I’m guessing you slipped in and out of that feeling alone—

Dave: That’s the question: “Did you?”

Ann: —and loneliness.

Steve:Absolutely. I think most people would describe loneliness as episodic; it’s not always there. And I would maintain: it’s never fully gone. The goal of my ministry in this, with loneliness, is to move it from the foreground of people’s emotional experience to the background. Until the new creation, we are going to have a sense that something is missing. C.S. Lewis talks about this; he says, “Even the best marriage, the healthiest moment in marriage, there’s always a sense that something isn’t quite yet perfect.”

Ann: I like that “moving it from the foreground”—it’s at the forefront of our minds: “I’m so lonely,”— it’s not out of the picture; but now, it’s in the background. I think that’s good to understand that we might always have a sense of it; but to not let it rule, at the forefront of our emotions.

Because in marriage—you know this; you’re married now; you have kids—we will talk about this tomorrow. But in marriage, I have felt some of my loneliest times. So just to think that a spouse comes in and covers all of that—

Dave:Oh, we got to save that for tomorrow.

Ann: I know; we will.

Dave:I want to ask you this: “Were you able to do that, as a single man? Take it from the front to the back? Was it something that you processed through and worked through before you got married?”

Steve:Well, there’s a saying that says/describes things as: “not problems to be solved, but tensions to be managed.” I think loneliness falls into that category; it never fully leaves. And in my experience—I think probably singles, who are listening, could relate to this—especially, moments that I expected would be filled with family relationships, like holidays or even my birthday: those would be the times where I would feel my aloneness and loneliness the most. Those are very difficult—very difficult times for people—single people, in particular.

But it would come and go, honestly. Again, we have to be realistic about life in a fallen, broken world, where the final flourishing and fullness is yet to come. Loneliness is part of this fallen world. Someday, we won’t feel lonely ever again; but here and now, it’s going to be a part of the human experience.

Ann: What is God’s purpose in it?

Steve:Well, now, that’s—now, you’re hitting the sweet spot—okay?

Dave: Talk about deep.

Steve: Well, now, you’re on where my heart truly goes with loneliness. I think we need to invert our whole perspective on loneliness. Most people view it as bad; it’s something that—

Ann: —you run from it.

Steve: —something’s wrong.

Steve:No, no; when we feel lonely, we are feeling exactly what we are supposed to feel. I compare it—

Ann: People are like, “Wait! What?!”

Steve:Yes, loneliness is a gift. It is a part of God’s common grace to humanity, to push us into the relationships that He made us to flourish in. I compare loneliness to hunger or thirst, which none of us want to feel hungry; none of us want to feel thirsty. We don’t resent hunger; we actually are like, “Hey, it’s a good thing that I feel hungry. I’m sick if I don’t.” It causes us to move and to do things that our body needs: we eat; we drink.

Loneliness is like a relational hunger. It’s an indicator; it’s a little like the dashboard warning light. It’s indicating: “Warning! Warning! Something that you are made to enjoy and flourish in is absent, and you need to do something about it.” If we can view loneliness as part of the inner architecture that God put in us—when He made us in His image—now, we don’t resent it; now, we don’t hate it. Now, we have an opportunity to redeem it. Redeeming it, biblically and through the gospel, puts us in a place where we can enjoy the flourishing that God intended. But this comes through vertically being right with God, through Jesus, and enjoying horizontal relationships of vulnerability—nakedness, if you will—that comes by seeing my identity in Christ and freeing me to be who I am with other people.

Dave:I mean, if a listener is, right now, identifying: “Wow, the light is flashing pretty strongly on my loneliness feeling,” I think you answered it; but what would you tell them to do?

Ann: Yeah; get real practical as we end today.

Dave:They’re like: “That’s where I am: I’m starving. I’m not just hungry; I’m starving.”

Ann: “And I don’t know how to fill up. I don’t know how to do it.”

Dave: Yes.

Steve:There are reactions that people have that are unhelpful. I’ll just quickly share—one of the things that people do is they will seek a distraction from that—they will watch Netflix things every night; they do things to try to take their mind off of it.

Ann: We numb out.

Steve:We try to numb it. Or we obsess over it—and that relationship in the family—”I’m so mad about it. I’m never talking to that person again.” So much passive/aggressive behavior is really the result of people trying to deal with the sense of emptiness. All of those we need to avoid—don’t obsess over it; don’t distract it—rather, we seek to redeem it.

This redemption comes by understanding why I feel this way; and then, taking biblical steps to deal with it, which I would in a quick summary way be:

Loneliness provides energy. There’s a longing; this is a gift. Take that energy/that desire, and move in positive ways—not in the negative ones—but in the positive ways. Move towards people, not away from people. I would argue that a biblical church is a great context for those kinds of healthy relationships to be experienced, only if we enter into them, understanding that it’s the love of God through us that mitigates the loneliness in us. If I go to church, or wherever, and think, “I’m going to meet somebody that’s going to take care of this loneliness,” I’ll be lonely the rest of my life.

We have to give our loneliness away—this is Jesus: “Take up your cross; follow Me,”—this is the: “Die to yourself.” As we seek to meet the lonely needs of other people, mysteriously, the loneliness in our heart moves from the foreground to the background—”It’s more blessed to give than to receive”; this is: “Do to others as you would have them do unto you,”—and this is hard, because we want to receive love. But it is the giving love to other people that mitigates the loneliness in our heart. That would be my urging: “Give your loneliness away. Take that energy, and seek to meet the needs of other people, and then it sort of disappears.”

Ann: Oh, that’s so good. I feel like that was super practical. And it’s the opposite of what you want to do, honestly.

Dave: Yeah; “If you want to find your life, lose it in serving others and serving Jesus.”

Shelby: Isn’t that just the way God works in and through us? It’s the upside-down principles of the kingdom: “If you want to experience life, give your life away; and in giving it away, then you’ll truly find it,”—crazy, huh?—but I love that though; it’s such an amazing perspective.

I’m Shelby Abbott; and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Steve DeWitt, on FamilyLife Today. Steve has written a book called Loneliness: Don’t Hate It or Waste It. Redeem It. This book can really resonate with anyone who’s wrestling with feelings of loneliness, whether you’re single, or married, or in leadership. You can get your copy, right now, by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com, where you’ll find a link in the show notes. Again, FamilyLifeToday.com; or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329 to request your copy. Again, the number is 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word, TODAY.

Obviously, you hear us talk often about marriages and how that foundation can affect everything else in your life. One thing we think we would all agree on is that great marriages don’t just happen; they’re built with intentionality. And so we’re either drifting in marriage or intentionally moving toward each other and, together, toward God. We think it’s really important that you work on your marriage. And one of the ways we want to help you do that is by inviting you to a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway.

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Now, tomorrow, “What are the complexities of loneliness when it comes to marriage and singleness?” Well, Steve DeWitt is going to be back tomorrow, with the Wilsons, along with his wife, Jennifer, to talk about how to redeem loneliness, regardless of your stage of life. That’s tomorrow; we hope you’ll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We’ll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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