
Lost and Found – What to do When Children Lose Their Faith: Stuart Scott
If your children lose faith, you don’t have to! While there’s a concerning trend of young people, particularly those raised in Christian homes, drifting away from their faith, Stuart Scott gives practical advice to parents based on patience, prayer, and trust.

Show Notes
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About the Guest

Stuart Scott
Stuart Scott (MDiv, Grace Theological Seminary; DMin, Covenant Theological Seminary) is a fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, the director of biblical counseling at Bob Jones University and Seminary, and an author and speaker. Previously he was a professor of biblical counseling at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.
Episode Transcript
FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript
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Lost and Found: What to do When Children Lose Their Faith
Guest:Stuart Scott
From the series:When Children Lose Their Faith (Day 2 of 2)
Air date:January 23, 2025
Ann:We’ve led a lot of small groups over the years, but one of the frustrations is figuring out what to use.
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Stuart:Someone thinks they’re really tight with Jesus, advanced in their walk with the Lord and their love for their people around them is not, they’re not that tight with Jesus. The level goes up and the level goes out about the same amount.
Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Ann Wilson.
Dave:And I’m Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.
So if there’s an epidemic in the church these days, there are record numbers of the next generation, our kids and grandkids walking away from the faith.
Ann:It’s so sad too, and I think as a parent, if you have young kids, that makes you really nervous.
Dave:Yeah, because when I was thinking of the numbers, you don’t think of the parents. There are Christian parents who probably had prayers and dreams and visions of my son or daughter when they’re a teenager and adult will walk with God the rest of their life and they’re watching their children, and it is heartbreaking.
Ann:I’ve talked to so many moms that have said, but they prayed a prayer of repentance when they were three or five or four. And I know that they’re a Christian, but we don’t always know until they get older. I know Dave, that you didn’t want our kids to be baptized.
Dave:I wanted it to be their decision, not forced on them by us. And so we’ve got Stuart Scott over here nodding in his head because not only have you thought about this a lot enough to write a devotional for parents, but as a parent you’ve walked through it as well.
Stuart:Oh yeah.
Dave:Yeah. So when you’re shaking your head, what are you thinking?
Stuart:A lot of children make professions of faith when they’re young. And it’s common in homes with Christian parents because they hear the gospel, they’ve heard it in church. And I’ve talked to numerous pastors now who have older children and I’m in agreement with them. I mean, we all talked, and you don’t know where your child’s really at until the teen years when they are having more independence. The gospel is you stop living for your own advantage in 2 Corinthians 5:15; that Christ died for all that they who live should no longer live for their own advantage but for Christ now.
So which way are they habitually facing as a lifestyle? And in the teen years you begin to see, which way is my child facing habitually? And they start picking their friends, they start making decisions and you go, they aren’t looking at Jesus at all. It’s all about them. They say they’re Christians, but you go your habitual deeds like in Titus 1:16, your habitual deeds cancel out your profession, not a snapshot, film strip of habit. Which way are you facing?
And then you really start seeing that more clearly, I believe, when they have more independence, and they don’t have to get mom’s approval or dad’s approval or permission. They’re launching out on their own, whether it’s 14 or somewhere around there, you start going, “Okay, I’m starting to see which way they’re habitually facing.”
Ann:Way to be Debbie Downer today, Stuart. But you had talked about yesterday, that’s your story.
Stuart:Yeah.
Ann:That was your story. And let’s talk about this for a second because we had kids that prayed a prayer when they were young, and they seem to understand the gospel. So I’m thinking, I don’t want these young parents to lose hope or to think, should I not even share the gospel? What’s important for them to know?
Stuart:Well, if they’re truly converted, they’re going to grow. Our job is to keep presenting Christ to them, maybe not in a whole truckload at one time, but in parts as we keep sharing Christ with them. So if God truly converts them, he doesn’t lose them. All that the father has given to Christ will come to him. So then he’s not going to lose them.
So that’s the encouragement to a parent is if your child makes a profession of faith and they understand the gospel and they’re embracing Christ, then encourage them to keep growing. They may ups and downs and a number of children do that. They’re ups and downs, but there’re a steady growth. But not every early profession is guaranteed to be conversion.
And that’s what I was kind of pointing at is I think most parents go, “Oh, okay, we can check that off.” They accepted Jesus in their heart or raised their hand at a vacation Bible school or something and they go, “Okay, they’re in Christ. They’re a Christian now.” And you go, “Oh, not so fast.” You want to keep evangelism on the front burner and bring Discipleship 101 to the front burner. You have two going on where you’re talking about the gospel and you’re trying to help them grow if they say they’re a Christian now, whatever age it is, and just see if they’re in Christ, they’ll begin to grow and they’ll love Jesus. They’ll want to share Jesus.
Dave:And that’s why I put off baptism. I was like, I want them to make that decision. They profess their faith at six and five, it’s awesome. And as a pastor of the church, I’m like, I want to put them up in front of the church and show the whole world, “Look my son,” but I’m like, “This needs to be his decision when he wants to do it.” And Willie wanted to do when he’s 14 and 16. One of them went on a youth retreat and came back and said, “Hey, I got baptized.” We’re like “What? You got what? Why did you do it with us?” “I wanted to do it there.” I’m like, “Awesome.”
Ann:“These are my people.”
Dave:Awesome.
Ann:Well, and I’m thinking too of that same idea. We grew up in CRU, so we knew the Holy Spirit booklet and we knew the Four Spiritual Laws booklet. It’s like you do both those together. One is about conversion, the other one’s walking in the spirit, the fruit of the spirit. And so I can remember having my 13-year-old, I sat down with him because again, as you’re saying, we’re always talking about growing discipleship after conversion. But I pulled out the four spiritual laws booklet again and I said—
Dave:Which is the gospel.
Ann:The gospel, and it’s like, “Hey, let’s walk through this.” And I don’t know why I pulled out a book and I just didn’t talk about it, but I went through the whole book. He says, “Do you not think that Jesus saved me?” And that’s a tricky question. And I said, “I’m watching, and I know that we all struggle, and we all slip, but I’m just making sure that you know what this means to be in Christ, to surrender your life to Jesus and to be a disciple.” And so I don’t know if that was my own insecurity, but now as I hear you talking, it seems like that’s a conversation that could come up once in a while of conversion.
Stuart:Yeah, I think to question them. I don’t think we can judge them unless they’re denying the gospel, and it is heresy what they believe. But if they’re not denying the gospel, I can’t judge them. Only God knows where their heart’s really at with Him, but there should be some fruit.
Ann:That’s what I had told him, “I’m looking for the fruit.”
Stuart:I’m looking for the film strip of life here, the habitual day in and day out. Not a really good snapshot or a really bad one. I mean David—
Ann:Because we all have those.
Stuart:Oh, I mean King David, he’s got a few batch snapshots in there. But God says he’s a man after my own heart, the film strip of his life. And I think that’s what we were looking at as parents, is don’t judge by one particular incident they had at school or with friends. And you go, “Oh, they’re not a believer.” It’s the habit patterns. How are they responding to the Spirit’s work if He’s in their life? They’ll have a love for Jesus, a hatred for sin. They may struggle and not know how to deal with it in their life, the sin struggle, but they’re fighting. There’s a war going on. It’s not just the flesh that’s operating. So parents just need a lot of encouragement to not judge, but they could ask questions from time to time: “Could it be?” “Have you thought?”
Ann:That’s a fine line because our kids will accuse us of judging right off the bat. “Oh, are you judging me? Are you judging me?” I’ve heard that before.
Dave:Yeah. And I think as we said yesterday, if you see your kid walking away, you can almost be depressed as a parent. It dominates your thinking. What I do wrong? What didn’t I do? I love how Stuart, you opened the book in your introduction. I love this. I want to hear your thoughts. You wrote, if God has allowed you to experience an ongoing trial with your child, know that however bad it may be, it is also good. By the way, good is italicized. I’m like, “Whoa, who, wait, what?” You go on. It is good because God is doing something for you not to you. Through these circumstances, God intends to reveal himself to you and to accomplish much for you, your parenting, your child and his glory. Okay, there’s some parents going, “I can’t see that part.”
Stuart:Parenting is going to be more about the parent sanctification than it’s going to be about what the children do or don’t do.
Ann:It’s so true.
Dave:What’s that mean?
Stuart:That means he’s at work on your life. I’m not sure if what he’s doing in their life, but he’s working on ours. And that is the Romans 8:28 and 29. That really is a Genesis 50:20.
Ann:God works all things together for good.
Stuart:Brother, you meant it for evil, but God’s meant this for good and it’s our eternal good to make us like Christ. It’s not our present happiness. So that’s why the good is, you have to qualify what good is and that’s to make me more like Jesus.
Dave:Now, how did you get to that place?
Stuart:That was a journey.
Dave:Because you mentioned even earlier that your wife put up pictures because you were walking through sort of a valley. Tell that.
Stuart:Well, when you’re in ministry and you love your children, the greatest thing you want is for them to know Christ. You want to share that with them. You want them to see that in you. And when they aren’t interested, it just breaks your heart. I mean, it’s a heavy, heavy burden as Paul said, and unceasing anguish.
So there was a day I had heard before even with Martin Luther, that his wife dressed up in black and he said, “Well, who died?” And she said, “Well, apparently God did.” It was like in your face, visual object lesson. My wife didn’t do that, but she did one particular day I came home, and I was walking down our hallway to our bedroom, and I saw these pictures up on the wall in the hallway that weren’t there the morning of when I left. And I said, “Honey, did you hang all these things up?” And she said, “Yeah.” She said, “Look at them carefully.” And I’m looking at them and she says—
Dave:Were they your family?
Stuart:Yeah, it was all family camping trips and when they were real little. Now they’re in their teen years and I mean at the time they were now, but all different times, different things we did. And she goes, “We’re all smiling.” I go, “Yeah, there were some good times.” I think parents need some balance there, not just the in the moment dark times, but also, “Oh, it’s not all been bad.” And who knows what tomorrow has. I’m not to worry about that.
Ann:Exactly.
Dave:That gets to, it could be so easy for a parent, a Christian parent, to find their life and their happiness and their joy tied to their son or daughter’s walk with God.
Ann:Absolutely.
Dave:I mean that’s sort of what you’re saying.
Ann:Do dads do that? Because moms, we do that.
Dave:Oh, dads do it too.
Stuart:It takes a hit on both, but moms spend a majority of time when they’re little. So some of these views that say if you don’t have all your children saved, you shouldn’t be in ministry. The man can take that pretty hard, but the wife is, “Well, they were around me most.”
Ann:I’m a failure.
Stuart:Yeah, that’s what you start concluding is I failed somehow. I should have been able to lead them to Jesus. And you’re going, well, I think that is a work of God in His time if He so wills. It’s His responsibility, not mine. I’m to share the gospel. I plant and I water, but God is the one who brings the increase.
Dave:Well, what about the verses in the Bible that say, you can expect this outcome if you do these things; train up a child in the way you should go.
Ann:When he is old, he won’t depart from it.
Dave:I mean, that has been taught as a guarantee.
Stuart:Yeah, I know. And they don’t understand. Proverbs are general truisms. They’re not promises. And boy that just exegetically, you’ve got to think this is not, I’m taking proverbs as promises. A gentle answer turns away wrath. Well, not sometimes you still get blasted with a fist from someone even though you’re a gentle answerer. So it’s general truisms. When people take it and say, “This is what I believe it means.” Be careful on pushing that as a promise. That’s like paint by numbers approach to parenting. I do this and I get this, and it’s not that way.
Ann:Do you think that parents compare themselves to one another?
Stuart:Oh yes.
Dave:You’ve got a devotional.
Stuart:Oh yes.
Ann:That’s what I’m saying.
Dave:He spends a whole day on it.
Stuart:Oh yes, indeed.
Ann:I know.
Stuart:I mean, they’re looking at your kids. You’re looking at theirs.
Ann:Totally.
Stuart:And now with I think the rise of homeschooling all of our day is our children are right there. Surely, they’re going to know Christ and follow him. So homeschool is fine, but you have to be careful that doesn’t become for me to live is the salvation of my kids. I mean, it can’t be your goal is to be a faithful parent. And I think that trying to help every parent, I just need to be faithful. I can’t save them. I can’t sanctify them. But by God’s grace, I can plant, and I can water, and I’m responsible for my own choices and my responses.
Dave:How important do you think it is as a parent comparing the planting and watering to the living as a parent modeling? Again, I’m not getting into parenting strategies, but I sort of am like, okay, I’m planting, I’m watering, I’m getting to church. I’m trying to get them in a youth group, all the things you should do. And yet on the other side of that is how am I living because they’re watching me as a mom and dad? Is there a balance and is there one that’s you think most important or more important?
Stuart:Well, I’ve heard you all before and how the emphasis that you put, where are you at vertically in your walk with Christ? It’s going to come out in the horizontal realm.
Dave:Preach it brother.
Stuart:That’s love God with all your heart, soul, and mind. And then love your neighbor. And they’re inseparably connected. So if someone thinks they’re really tight with Jesus, advanced in their walk with the Lord and their love for their people around them is not, they’re not that tight with Jesus. The level goes up and the level goes out about the same amount. So in 2 Thessalonians, Paul says, your faith has been increasing and so has your love for other people. Your faith going up; your love’s going out. And I think that is with daily living modeling, it’s I just want to walk with the Lord. I want to grow in my walk with him, whether my kids see it or not. Because you can’t be doing a show like, “Oh, they’re up now. Let’s have our quiet time so they can see it.”
Dave:They’ll sniff that out.
Stuart:Oh man, they’ll see the fake. But it’s just, “Lord, help me to walk with You,” just a heart keeps growing and my love for the Lord and my love for other people. And when they see I failed and I know I failed, I want to take care of it. That’s all you know how to do. I mean, that’s all the Bible says to do. And this is a little flip side. If your children, if God saves your children, it wasn’t because of you.
Ann:Whew.
Dave:We take too much credit and too much blame.
Stuart:That’s right. You can get on the other side where it’s a proud and look at us and we parade our children and you go, oh, watch out. It’s a miracle that God saves. And it’s not—it’s because of the gospel that He saves. Your life influences, but it doesn’t determine one way or the other. So you have to watch those who I’ve seen them before where they’ll, “And this is how I did it,” and you’re going, “Ah, if they’re in Christ, God did it.” And if you’re really honest, there’s probably a lot of, in spite of us that He did a work of grace and marvelous.
Ann:What used to be one of my most depressing times of year was Christmas when all the letters would come in and Christmas cards from people. They don’t do it as much anymore. But you remember when they would have a picture of the family and then they have a letter of how they’re all doing.
And I remember getting this one letter like, yeah, my son read through the Bible for the third time this year and he’s four. And then my daughter is on a mission trip and she’s leading all these people to Christ. And then I remember one time, this is when all our kids were teenagers, I balled it up and I threw it in the trash can because I thought, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with our kids? What have I done to not get my child to want to read the Bible every single day?” And so there is something about that comparison, and I see these two trains of thoughts as we talk to parents that are struggling with this. I can see sometimes, especially maybe the mom feeling this absolute guilt. She is so sad. I can see another parent maybe withdraw or even be resentful of the kids. Have you seen both those sides?
Stuart:I have. And I’ll take some parents to 2 Corinthians 10 where it just says it’s unwise to compare yourself one to another. And yet 2 Corinthians 10, it’s unwise to do that. It’s hard not to. If you’re in the moms’ groups and you’re like, “Boy, that child is leading the youth group.” And you go, “Well, mine is still on video games,” and you’re just like—
Ann:I can’t get him off of the video games.
Stuart:But that comparing, the Spirit through Paul just says it’s not wise to do that. And we’ve been around ministry enough that some that look like they’re modeling, and their family looks like a model, oh, they’re not. And sometimes they implode and it’s a shipwreck. And what looked like wasn’t an actual.
Ann:We did an interview with a well-known pastor, and he was talking about the day when their grown son came to tell them he’s now an atheist and he doesn’t believe, and he has walked away. And then the pastor shared his absolute heartache and heart brokenness over the fact. And he said it was so hard to watch the lifestyle that he began to lead and to live. But years later, that same child came to him and said, “I believe,” and the dad said, “What has made you come to that conclusion?” And he said, “Honestly, I can’t deny your life. I can’t deny the love for Jesus that you’ve displayed, and you’ve always displayed. I can’t deny seeing God work in your life and mom’s life.” That’s what I mean as a parent. It’s never too late. And we never know what’s ahead. But I like that as a parent, we find our hope in Christ, not in our kids, what they are, or they aren’t doing.
Dave:Don’t evaluate where your son or daughter is when they’re 16, 14. If they’re struggling, we say we’re a failure. And who knows, God may be using that struggle to turn them back to Him when they’re 30 or 40 or 50 or—
Ann:Or to make you get on your knees.
Dave:—six months later. But as we wrap up, I do think of the mom or dad right now is just in a valley. It’s dark. They’re praying on their knees and they’re not seeing results. Just your whole book is, there’s peace, there’s hope. And it’s not in your child if they ever come back or it’s in Jesus. Right?
Stuart:That’s right. And it was meant to come alongside of parents and help bear their burden, point them to Christ, point them to truths in the scripture to encourage them and their own walk with Christ. You can’t guarantee what’s going to happen with a child, but your own walk can grow. You can find the peace and hope in Christ and some just have lost it for a time, but they can get it back. And that’s what it’s meant for to help bear their burdens.
Dave:And I’ll tell you as you read through it, and again, it’s a 31-day devotional, so you could read through it for the next month.
Ann:I like day 29. Pray, pray, pray. Colossians 4:2, “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.”
Dave:Yeah. My last thought would be, how about if you took the next month and prayed every day for your child with Stuart’s book Wayward Children? We’ll send it to you. Send a gift of financial gift of FamilyLife@familylife.com. We will send you this book. I’m hoping not only that you give, but you get the book and maybe start a new journey. Because if you’re like us, you can lay in bed and worry, and you don’t have any hope or peace. You want to find hope and peace. What you’ve written is because here’s the thing, I think I’ll read it Monday morning and then by Monday night it’s gone.
Stuart:That’s right.
Ann:You might have to read it again.
Dave:I’ve got to read it again on Tuesday. So that’s why probably you did a month, right?
Stuart:Yeah.
Dave:I’m going to give you input every day right from scripture to help you go that way. So here’s how you can get it. Just call us at 1-800-358-6329. That’s 800-“F” as in Family, “L” as in Life, and then the word “TODAY.” Or go to FamilyLife.com, make a donation. We’ll send you the book.
Ann:I’m wondering, Stuart, if you would end just, I think so many of us as parents, they need prayer. Sometimes we’re so broken, we can’t even pray ourselves. Would you pray for the families and the parents that are listening?
Stuart:I will.
Father, we do thank you that you do understand. You’re full of compassion. You care for your children. And Lord, there was a time when we were all hostile in mind. We were enemies of yours, and you and love saved us, and your mercy and grace, it’s so compelling. And thank you for your constant love and support and grace.
Thank you for the Spirit who indwells us. I just pray for the parents who have that unceasing anguish. I pray that they would also learn to rejoice always in our walk with You and our relationship with our Heavenly Father through Christ and by the help of the Spirit. We can rejoice always, and we can still be an unceasing, having an unceasing anguish for those who are sorrowful yet always rejoicing. I just pray that you would encourage them to keep their eyes on Christ, be thinking of what you’re wanting to do in and through the lives of the parents and entrust the lives of the children to you. And not to live in fear, but to walk by faith. And Lord, we can’t do this apart from your spirit.
And we thank you for your word that instructs us. It’s certain it’s authoritative and it’s sufficient. And Lord, I thank you for other believers who will come around and encourage and help. And I pray that every parent that’s listening would have other brothers and sisters who they can be open with and share and pray together to help bear their burdens. And we pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Ann & Dave:Amen.
Ann:And if you want us to pray for you, we would love to. Dave and I will pray. We have a whole team that will pray. You can just reach out to us@familylife.com/prayforme, and we will pray for you.
Dave:And we would love to send you a copy of Stuart’s book, Wayward Children. Any donation to FamilyLife, any amount; we will send you his book. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and you can make a donation there and you can start this journey the next 31 days praying and thinking and meditating on your children. You can just give us a call at 1-800-358-6329. That’s 800-“F” as in Family, “L” as in Life, and then the word “TODAY.” Or go to FamilyLifeToday.com to get the book.
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