
Navigating the Heartbreak of Wayward Children: Stuart Scott
The emotional turmoil parents experience when their children stray from their faith can be significant. Author, Stuart Scott, discusses how to navigate these challenges with hope and grace.

Show Notes
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About the Guest

Stuart Scott
Stuart Scott (MDiv, Grace Theological Seminary; DMin, Covenant Theological Seminary) is a fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors, the director of biblical counseling at Bob Jones University and Seminary, and an author and speaker. Previously he was a professor of biblical counseling at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary.
Episode Transcript
FamilyLife Today® with Dave and Ann Wilson – Web Version Transcript
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Navigating the Heartbreak of Wayward Children
Guest:Stuart Scott
From the series:When Children Lose Their Faith (Day 1 of 2)
Air date:January 22, 2025
Ann:I think one of the best things we’ve ever done for our marriage is go through small group material on marriage with other couples.
Dave:Oh, yeah; no question: one of the best things. And we still do it! And right now, we have a 25 percent off discount for you to use some of our great FamilyLife resources, like the new Art of Marriage®; you could get that—or you could even get our Vertical Marriage®—and just take some couples through it. It, literally, will change their life. But you ready for this?—it’s going to change your life as well. So here’s how you get it: just go to FamilyLife.com/Shop, and you can start your small group off right this year.
Stuart:Parents influence their children; they don’t determine them. God will hold every child responsible for their own choices. And there’s not going to be any perfect parent—blameless doesn’t mean you’re perfect or sinless—it means you’ve dealt with your sin.
Dave:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.
Ann:And I’m Ann Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.
Ann: We talk to a lot of parents around the country. I’m going to tell you: one of the topics that comes up continually are kids who are wayward—kids who have walked away from their faith; kids who are just struggling—and for a parent, man, this rips their heart out.
Dave:This has got to be one of the issues Christian parents think about—almost keeps you up every night—”How do I raise my kids in such a way that they are walking with Jesus when they’re adults?”
Ann:And a lot of times, they hide it; because it feels like there’s a lot of shame associated with it. As parents, we can feel like it’s our fault. We’re going to go into that topic today: that wayward-kids topic.
Dave:We got Stuart Scott sitting over there. You already heard him grunt a couple times.
Ann: He’s agreeing!
Dave: What was that about? You’ve got kids; is this something you felt?
Stuart:Oh, yes. And we thought—my wife and I—that: “We’re going to do it right. We’re going to correct all the mistakes. We’re going to repeat all the good things from our parents; we’re going to correct all the bad things. And our children will come to Christ at two,” “…three.” It’s common, with young parents; and they all want to know: “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it; and get the product.
Dave:“If I do ‘X,’ I get ‘Y.’”
Stuart:That’s right.
Ann:And I don’t know if you’ve seen this, Stuart; but I felt this as a young mom: “Tell me all the things you did wrong so that I don’t repeat them.” Do you think that parents do that?
Stuart:I think both—“Tell me the good things,” “Tell me the things you did that you wish you didn’t,”—as if we can walk this perfect road and guarantee the product. It can’t be your goal, as a parent, to see your children saved. It’s the greatest desire you have, but it can’t be your goal; since goals are achievable. It’s trusting God; it’s walking by faith. We want to walk by sight.
Dave:What’s interesting about you, Stuart: you’re not your average parent. You’ve got a degree in counseling; you’re a therapist; you’re a counselor; you’re a speaker; you’re an author; you teach this stuff.
Ann:—seminary degrees.
Dave:Yeah; tell our listeners a little bit about what you do.
Stuart:Well, I went to Bible college; and took my first couple years there just to get my Gen Ed [requirements] in. That’s when I was impressed with one, the Scripture that will last for eternity; and [two], people’s souls will; everything else is going to burn, even the Force.
Dave:Even the Force.
Ann:We had that talk that pushed us into ministry.
Stuart:Yeah, yeah. I said, “I probably should invest in people’s lives with God’s Word.” At that point, there was really one track in seminary—it was to be a pastor; there wasn’t an associate pastors and all that—it was just: “Be a pastor.” I wanted to learn more of the Bible, so that’s why I kept going to different schools for more of the Bible; and maybe in biblical counseling. I ended up teaching—we’re on staff at some churches, teaching in different seminaries—but it’s on the sufficiency of Scripture: what God says it’s sufficient for, and helping people to be saved and to be sanctified. And so that’s what I’ve kind of given my life to do.
I thought, as a parent, “Alright, this is pretty textbook.” And not that we were perfect at all—we said, “Forgive me,” a lot with our kids—and we love our kids; they love us. But it was not that way. I mean, you can dress them and sit them in a pew or a chair when they’re real young. When they start getting older, and you start seeing their personalities and their individuality.
Ann:Isn’t it terrible that we can’t control them? I didn’t make them do certain things. I’m sure God has said that multiple times.
Stuart:I made numerous professions of faith. My dad was in ministry and teaching as well; both my parents are in education vocations. I made numerous professions of faith. I’m used to the camp experiences on Friday nights—and everybody: “I got saved,”—over and over again kind of a thing. I’m used to that.
So when my kids made early professions of faith, I just sort of: “Well, wait and see,” “We’ll, wait and see.” And my wife didn’t come from a home like that at all. And when she came to faith in Christ at 11—at Vacation Bible School—she’s: “You trust in Christ, and that’s it.”
Ann: She’s in.
Stuart:Oh, she’s all in. We had two different backgrounds uniting there in the
parenting. And there were wonderful times, and there were some really
hard times in the parenting experience.
Ann:—said every parent under the sun.
Stuart:In different years—in their teen years—first, my daughter: “Dad, I’m not a believer.” And then, some years later, my son: “Yeah, I’m not either.” I’m going, “Whoa! This is not what I thought, anticipated, desired,”—either one of us. But it really opened up doors. And again, we work hard at loving them with the love of Christ; and there’s always hope as long as they’re alive.
But when you meet—I don’t know if I met anyone in ministry, for the most part, who doesn’t have one child or more that they don’t really want to talk about much; because they’re not following Christ; they’re wayward—and it breaks their heart. They’d just rather focus on the ones who are doing well. That took me down a part of a path here—part of what I do is trying to encourage parents to trust God—to get their eyes on Jesus, not put their hope in their children.
When I came across Romans 9, when Paul said—I mean, it is powerful—he says, “I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart for I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsman, according to the flesh.” We always think of Paul rejoicing all the time. And here, he says, “I’m in anguish all the time.” And you go, “Which one is it?” It’s both; and it’s how to really walk with Christ with both of those. Anguish, unceasing, sorrow—I don’t know a greater pain—than having children you’ve invested in, who say, “It’s not for me. I don’t want it.” Some get pretty hostile; we know some well-known people today in ministry whose children are hostile. I mean, they’re on social media, going after their parents. I’m like, “That’s like the greatest anguish.”
Ann:I can see it on your face, Stuart, as you’re talking about it. If you’re not watching this on YouTube, you can’t necessarily see Stuart’s face if you’re only listening. But I can see the anguish in your face as you talk about it. And every single parent understands what you feel, because they face that same anguish that Paul describes. You’re right.
Dave:I mean, so much so that you’ve thought about it a lot. You’ve written this book called Wayward Children. You’ve written 30 days so a parent can walk, daily—like your subtitle—Finding Peace, Keeping Hope. How would you advise a parent, who has a child, who says what you said earlier: “Mom,” or “Dad, I don’t believe anymore.” In that very second, where you just want to almost crumble—
Ann:In that very second, you lost your peace—finding peace—you lost your peace and your hope.
Dave:I mean, how do you respond, as a parent?
Stuart:Some parents—and it depends on the child and the age of the child—some parents suspect that their child’s not a believer. It’s not a surprise—in how they’re living and the path that they’re taking—so for some, they’re not shocked. For me, when my daughter said, “Dad, I’m not a believer,” I didn’t think she was because I’d been there; I’d been down that path, growing up.
Ann:You were looking for the fruit.
Stuart:I was looking for a love for Jesus. Sometimes, you’re like holding a stethoscope/a spiritual stethoscope up: “Is there a heartbeat after Jesus?” I just didn’t sense it. She loved going to church; her friends were there. I said, “I know all your friends.” And she goes, “Yeah, Dad; they’re all where I’m at. They just won’t say it.” And I went, “Oh, that would explain why a lot of youth pastors are frustrated. They’re trying to disciple the children when they should be evangelizing.”
I would probably help parents, who when they first hear that, it’s just: “What are they tethered to?” If their hope—and they’re tethered to their children or their children’s faith—they’re going to sink with them. They’re going to go up and down, depending on how the child responds.
We did that for a little bit; I mean, boy, it was a journey for us. I mean, all these points, there in the everyday, they were in my devotional: “I need to learn this,” “I need to learn this.” Depending on what my child was doing—or children—when they’re up, I’m up; and then, when they’re down, I’m down. I’m going, “My hope’s misplaced then.” And that’s easy to do: you can put it in your health, in your finances, or in your children, and other places. So that’s having to get my eyes back on Christ, and be steady there. So whatever—they’re going up and down; sometimes, they may even be in your face, just talking right back to you—and you’re just going, “Man, Lord, help me keep my eyes open. Help me at this point.”
Ann:Why do you think we, as parents, hide that?—hide where our kids are, spiritually?
Stuart:It’s that acceptance/approval of people in the church. Everyone wants to be thought of as: “I’ve got it together.” Everyone looks nice on Sunday; everyone’s fine. “How are you doing?”—”Fine.” And then, during the week, you go, “No, it’s not fine.” So I don’t know—maybe, different motives—but I think that’s a main one: is wanting to be accepted/approved by other people. Fear of man would fit in that as well.
Ann:I think, too, as parents, we feel like failures, that shame piece. And then, we start—and don’t forget: the enemy is Satan, who is the accuser—and I’m telling you: I’ve talked to so many parents who—they’re like—“It’s because of me. It’s because I didn’t do ‘X,’ ‘Y,’ ‘Z,’” or “I did do ‘X,’ ‘Y,’ or ‘Z.’” They are just bombarded with guilt, shame; and so they go into hiding for their kids.
Stuart:Well, every parent can think of things they’ve done wrong. I mean, it didn’t take me long to think through stuff I didn’t do and things I should have done. So when parents do that, and go, “I blew it. I was not the parent I should have been.” Well, maybe not; but your child’s belief and unbelief is not based on you. God holds them responsible.”
Ann:Say that again.
Stuart:Their belief or unbelief is not based on their parent. Ezekiel 18—every person who sins; it is their own responsibility—you can’t blame your parents. And parents, what I would do is—what we did; my wife and I—is anything that we could think of that we really failed: we just, maybe, weren’t there for a time in their life in the teen years, we would ask their forgiveness. Any log in our eyes: we just confessed it; ask for forgiveness.
Ann:I think, too, as parents, we need to do that with our adult kids. All three of our sons have come to us with hurts; things that we didn’t do. We wrote a book called No Perfect Parents. And our kids wrote in it some of the things we didn’t do. I think, as a parent, we are heartbroken; because our intent was never to hurt them, but we both hurt them.
I don’t think it’s ever too late for a parent to apologize. My dad was 92 when it was his last year of his life; and he said to me, “Ann, I’m really sorry I was never there for you.” There’s a part of me, that’s like, “I’m a full-grown woman; I know who I am in Christ”; but there is still something that felt good about him acknowledging the pain.
Stuart:That’s right.
Ann:I think that could be a step that we take, as parents—“Will that change a lot?” or “Maybe, they won’t even forgive us,”—but there is something about confession and asking forgiveness that’s powerful.
Stuart:It’s the right thing to do; and it’s right, before God, for a parent to do. And it’s how you deal with any guilt that you might have is: confess it; ask for forgiveness. And they may or may not [forgive], as you said; but before God, at least, you’re blameless before Him—not perfect—but blameless.
Dave:Are regrets the same thing? As I hear you say that, I’m thinking a lot of parents—and I’ve had it before—I just have these regrets: “I wish I would’ve done that year…” or “…that decision.” I am looking at your subtitle: “How do I find peace?” I’m lying in bed, with a regret. I may have even confessed it to them, but I still can’t change it; and so I have this regret. How do you deal?
Stuart:I don’t know, Dave, if I even have the right answer. As best as I know, biblically, is that we’ll always have regrets. I look at the Apostle Paul—he was a persecutor of the church—he’d run into people; I’m sure he came to widows, and go, “Oh, what happened to your husband?”—“Well, you killed him.”
Ann:I never thought of that.
Stuart:Everywhere he went in Israel—he was putting everyone in prison or to death—so when he would talk about: “I was a persecutor of the church,”—that would be a regret, but he would always go to the gospel. He’d always go to Christ, and say, “Yeah; but boy, thank God there’s forgiveness; there’s grace; there’s mercy”; and then, you move forward.
I think people who just dwell on the regret—it’s problematic—then you get into self-pity and “Woe is me.” But the regrets can really take us back for a recalibration with the gospel/with Christ, to go, “Thank You.” We did this, and my kids are doing this now; because they’re older. When they come into the parenting years themselves, they [say]: “Wow, Mom, Dad, this is hard. Man, I gave you a hard time; didn’t I?” That’s what we did—we said [about our parents]: “Wow; man, how do my parents put up with me in those teen years?” And we’re seeing the same thing. So when they hit them, they realize they’re not perfect either. And they begin to/I think they begin to mature once they start having children that start speaking up and want their own way.
Dave:Yeah; yeah. I mean, is there a difference in your opinion—this would be for all of us—between a perfect parent and a blameless parent? In some ways, it is tied into even that regret journey in my own life. I have a huge regret with my youngest son who was on staff with me at our church. The way it sort of ended—it didn’t end well for him—and my tension was: I was a staff member there, and a founder of the church; but his dad.
In some meetings, if it would’ve been any other staff member on my staff, I would’ve said, “Wait, wait, wait; you can’t treat him that way. What’s going on here?” But because it was my son, and I didn’t want to be accused of nepotism, there were moments where I just sat there quiet; because I don’t want them to think I’m defending my son. Now, if it had been Ryan or anybody, I would’ve been strong, like, “Wait, wait, wait; this is out of bounds”; but I just sat there. Later, he’s like, “Dad, why didn’t you defend me?” He doesn’t understand that tension—he can say, “Well, I can,”—but still it was wrong. I still can lay in bed—even though he’s forgiven—he was very gracious about it.
Stuart:Oh, that’s good.
Dave:It hurt, but he’s gone through a journey. He’s like, “I forgive you”; but I know it hurt. And so it’s like I was imperfect. In some ways, I didn’t think I was blameless; but I still can carry that. I know parents carry those days, or months, or years, where they thought, “I did the wrong thing; and now, it’s affected my son,” or “…daughter; and they’ve walked away. Some of it’s my fault.” How do you speak to that?—especially, even, as a counselor and a dad.
Stuart:I think the Lord—even when he puts the kings together—one king has a son—he’s a godly king—has a son who’s wicked.
Ann:Josiah; Josiah.
Stuart:And then, you have Manasseh.
Dave:Manasseh, yes.
Stuart:Hezekiah—a righteous king—he has a son, Manasseh. And you go, “What?!”
Ann: “What?!”
Stuart:And it was repeatedly: this king—he’s godly—he has a son [who’s wicked]. It’s to show: parents influence their children; they don’t determine them. God will hold every child responsible for their own choices. There’s not going to be any perfect parent. But blameless doesn’t mean you’re perfect or sinless; it means you’ve dealt with your sin. There’s no handles—literally, no handles to grab onto—so if your son, for example, said, “Dad, you remember back…”; and you said, “Yeah, I do; but I asked you for forgiveness; and you granted it.” So now, it’s the son’s responsibility, if he thinks of that, to deal, biblically, with it himself. And then, when you think of it, you go, “Yeah, but I did ask for forgiveness. I would encourage others: ‘Don’t do that.’” It is a regret, but it doesn’t have to hold you down; it probably is going to help you in ministry.
Dave:Right; right.
Ann:I was in a small group last week with a lot of different women, like 15 women. Some were moms, and their daughters were in this group. And in the group was a good friend of mine. Her two daughters are in the group, who are now women in their 30s with children. And the girls shared their testimony of: “How I started going to our church,”—the church that Dave and I started—and they heard the gospel, and they gave their lives to Jesus. And the mom—she was so honest; it was so beautiful—her girls had never even heard her say: “And while they were seeking Jesus, I didn’t even know who I was. I had such a broken past; I was out partying. But I saw my girls changing; and as a result, I wanted to be where they were. And so I became a greeter at the door of the church they were going to. And then I happened to go into the service, and I heard the gospel.”
Here I am, watching the girls hear their mom tell the story of her coming to know Jesus—and just the grace of the gospel, the grace of Jesus—of the mom feeling so much shame that here she is—so broken, so lost—trying to find her life through all different means. And yet, in spite of all of that, her girls find Jesus. That is the grace of God, isn’t it?
Stuart:That is. That’d be my wife’s story.
Ann:Really?
Stuart:There was no believer in her family, and she went to a Vacation Bible School at age 11. Her parents were on the verge of a divorce, just conflict constantly; no gospel. You heard the gospel and God saved her. And you go, “What kind of parenting was that?”
Ann:Right!
Stuart:And then, I look at Isaiah, Chapter 1, verse 2; and it says, “The Lord says, ‘Many children have I reared, and they’ve all rebelled.’” That’s a comforting verse. You can—there’s not going to be any perfect parent but God—so we’re all going to fail, one way or the other.
Ann:Well, tomorrow, we want to get into some of the nitty gritty of your devotional and some of the topics. But how would you encourage parents as we end today?
Stuart:Because of Christ, there’s always help and hope, no matter what place you find yourself in—whether a child has just told you they’re unsaved; or you found out something about them, that there’s no way they could be walking with Christ and be doing what they’re doing; there’s a whole hidden life/a double life; but some may be right in your face, yelling/screaming vulgar things, that you said, “This is not how we raised them,”—there is always help and hope in Christ for whatever place you’re in. I may not even know all the answers yet of walking someone through their situation—but Christ is the way; He’s the truth; and He’s the life—and to me, that is finding peace and that is keeping your hope; but it’s going to have to be eyes all on Christ.
Dave:What I was thinking, as I wrap this up, I was thinking a 30-day devotional is something a parent needs. Because it’s not once—it’s not this month; and then, three months ago—it’s daily you lay in bed at night. And so pretty interesting to be able to say: “We’re going to send you this book, Wayward Children, by Stuart Scott, as you make a donation to FamilyLife Today. Just make a donation to FamilyLife: go to FamilyLife.com; we will send you Wayward Children as you send a donation to us. Or you can call us at 800-358-6329. That’s 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and the word, TODAY. We will send you Wayward Children as you bless us with a gift.”
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