Parenting Without Pressure: Family Discipleship That Frees You and Your Kids: Adam and Chelsea Griffin

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Parenting Without Pressure: Family Discipleship That Frees You and Your Kids

Guests:Adam and Chelsea Griffin

From the series:Parenthood (Day 2 of 3)

Air date:January 29, 2026

Adam (00:04):

Parenting is so important that we feel this incredible pressure to do it absolutely right. And so you want your kid to succeed partially because it would reflect well on you and you know that’s in your heart. If this other kid does well, then you don’t have the chance to prove that you’re okay, because you’re okay if your kid’s okay.

Dave (00:28):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:34):

And I’m Ann Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

We’ve got Adam and Chelsea Griffin back with us today talking about parenting, and this is going to be good.

Dave (00:52):

Yeah, it’s crazy that we’re going to talk about the fruit of the Spirit applied to parenting. And when I think of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,—

Ann (01:01):

It’s the patience part.

Dave (01:02):

—it doesn’t always apply to parenting. So this is going to be a good day.

Have you had to experience that when it’s not social media, it’s not somebody on Facebook that maybe you don’t know, but it’s literally personal. It’s somebody gets the part that your son didn’t get or gets a starting position or even in church gets asked to give the testimony and you’re like, “My son’s testimony is a lot better than hers,” whatever it is. Where it isn’t out there, it’s right in here and it’s like you feel that comparison and judgment when it’s personal, all the time.

Ann (01:42):

Oh, I can remember with our kids—

Dave (01:44):

I didn’t know she was going to answer this. I was throwing it to you guys.

Chelsea:

No, no, let’s hear it.

Ann (01:46):

—when our kids would play sports, if let’s say our sons would get hurt and so another guy’s taking his place.

Adam (01:59):

You want him to fail?

Ann (01:59):

I’m sitting in the stands thinking, “Oh, I hope he does bad.” You guys, how sinful is that? But as you’re saying it, it’s revealing something.

Adam (02:06):

That’s exactly right.

Ann (02:07):

It’s revealing it. Okay, sorry. That’s what came to my mind. Ask the question again.

Adam (02:12):

No, that’s a great example.

Dave:

That was it. How have you had to deal with that? Maybe you’ve never had that.

Ann (02:16):

Have you guys had deal with any of that?

Adam:

A thousand times over.

Chelsea (02:20):

Yeah, for sure.

Adam (02:21):

The more important it is, the more pressure we feel to do it perfectly, right?

Ann (02:24):

Yes.

Adam (02:24):

And parenting is so important that we feel this incredible pressure to do it absolutely right. And so you want your kid to succeed partially because it would reflect well on you and you know that’s in your heart. If this other kid does well, then you don’t have the chance to prove that you’re okay because you’re okay if your kid’s okay. I think it’s similar. You guys talk so much about marriage too. One of the maybe unhealthiest things you can do in a marriage is compare where you feel like you’re strong to where you know they’re weak.

Ann (02:51):

Oh, yeah.

Adam (02:52):

And see like, “Hey, see, you’re not good at this. I am good at this. ” And then when we take that outside ourselves and put that on our kids, you have multiple kids and you go, “Well, this kid is strong here. Why isn’t that kid here?” Or you look at their peers, and you go, “Well, why isn’t this kid?” Because this kid is different than that kid. And that’s okay because the opposite also wouldn’t be true. If your kid ends up being the greatest athlete of all time, does that mean that’s the only way that I could feel okay about them? If they become the smartest kid of all time, is that the only way I could feel okay about them? And that is not the way the kingdom of God works. God does not look at us and say, “My love for you is so contingent on your perfection that if you do not outpace your neighbors, I will not love you.”

(03:30):

That is not the gospel. So when we see that in ourselves, Dave, it’s kind of what you said. We see it in ourselves something that can then drive us to disgust and go, “Oh, what is wrong with me? Or it can drive, which would be a wedge between us and God saying, “I couldn’t possibly run towards him.” Or something that instead would cause us like a kid who runs to a loving parent to say, “God, I really need your help. There’s something ugly I’ve seen in myself. I know it’s not of you, and so I want to be rid of it. I want to be done with it.”

Dave (03:59):

Yeah. But I mean, as I’m hearing you say that, I’m thinking, man, for a parent to be secure in that, they have to be secure in Christ. Otherwise, all of our insecurities are put on our children.

Adam (04:11):

That’s exactly right.

Dave (04:12):

Almost to fill up our insecurity—

Ann:

Exactly.

Dave:

—you have to be the best student, best musician, best athlete, whatever it is. And like I mentioned earlier, I coached 12 years in public high school, football, and man, watching the pressure these kids felt from their parents—

Adam (04:28):

Constant.

Dave (04:29):

—not as much us. I mean, we gave pressure as well as coaches and sometimes right and sometimes wrong. But I felt it for these kids as like, “I’m letting my dad down.” And I did a couple times like, “Dad, this is not your deal anymore. I don’t know what kind of athlete you were, but you’re trying to be the athlete that I think you weren’t through your son and he can’t even enjoy it because he’s like glancing.” I remember one time we took these 12-year-olds to—I don’t know if you know this. In little league baseball, there’s a tournament at Cooperstown, the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Chelsea (04:57):

Yeah, the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Dave (04:59):

But the parents sit right like third base.

Adam (05:02):

And they’re just chirping, huh?

Dave (05:03):

And they’re chirping. I have a kid on second base and I’m giving him steal sign and they’re telling him what to do. And he’s literally like—

Ann:

The parents telling him?

Dave:

Yeah, they’re yelling what to do. And I literally turn around and go, “All you parents, shut up. Shut up. I’m the coach.” They don’t even know what to do. They’re looking at me. They’re looking at parents like … And I’m like, that is a microcosm of their life. All these insecurities that we have, we are putting our kids. What you just said was security as a parent. How does a parent get there? Where you’re not doing that anymore because you don’t have to.

Adam (05:35):

This is perfect because if you tied it to success, it will fail you. If you tied it to, if the kid stole and I was right and the coach was wrong, then do I feel okay?

Dave (05:47):

Yeah.

Adam (05:48):

What if the coach was right and I was wrong, then I don’t feel okay. And if we only tie it to, I have to be right, then there is no freedom in that because I will inevitably be wrong.

(05:58):

If I only tie it to … Right now, I think in our generation, we maybe don’t tie it as much to having the best student or the best athlete, but a lot of parents in the generation tie it to having the best relationship with their kids long term. Did my kid live close? Do they still call me every day, and they want to compare it to what other parents are getting from their kid? Are they open to your advice? Do they feel like you’re criticizing them when you’re talking to you? So right now we want to be buddies with our kids in the hopes that they will make us feel okay about ourselves as they get older. And if we parent from a place of, “I just need you to love me, then we don’t end up pressing and challenging some of the things that need to be pressed and challenged.

So again, Dave, the solution—I know you know this—we’re just going to keep turning back to Christ to say, “I can’t do this the way that I am called to do it unless I can give my kid Christ and unless I can look towards Christ myself.” It’s the only place I’m going to find freedom. If I can only find freedom in my kids’ success, I will be let down. This is what we’ll see too, is as siblings grow up, if there’s a kid that’s more attached to mom and dad, you go, “Oh see, I did it right with this kid.” The other kids must have been the problem. No, you parented them all. You’re just looking for validation everywhere and the validation you’re looking for, you already found in the father. If you would turn to him, if we could open our minds to the fact that the gospel of justification isn’t going to be found in our children. It’s not found in the quality of our parenting or the result of our parenting. It’s found only in the gospel and we’re looking for justification everywhere, right?

Chelsea (07:22):

Everywhere. If you really are putting pressure on your kids and trying to kind of live through them or really needing their accomplishments to justify you, that’s a tough place to be.

(07:32):

But for our parents out there who have very, very small children, I would just really press them to say, “Do not forget how you look at that child.” My youngest is 10, but he’s still my baby and he’s beautiful to me. He’s my baby. When I think about how easy it is to just adore him and always has been. As the baby of our family, everyone has just adored him. He’s so affectionate as a little one, but he’s very little. If he walks by and he saw me or Adam on the couch, he doesn’t even ask. He doesn’t say anything. He just comes and gets into your lap. He has this presuming understanding of how loved he is.

Adam (08:18):

I’m accepted here.

Chelsea (08:19):

Yes. He doesn’t ask would it be okay? He doesn’t ask. There’s a presumption there. He knows he’s cherished. He knows someone would love to just wrap their arms around him and so he just draws near. And I try to really tattoo that into my brain of like, what would it look like if I understood I was so loved someone will celebrate me coming near? That the Father would celebrate “Oh yes, get over here, get in my arms, of course.” He used to want me to hold him in my arms on the sideline of his soccer games. And I’m like, I know this looks weird, but at what point am I going to tell this child—

Adam (08:55):

Take a cleat to the hip.

Chelsea (08:56):

—I’m never going to tell him no. I’m sure the coach is like, “What are you doing?” He asked me to hold him so.

Dave:

I know he’s 18.

Adam:

He’s my baby.

Chelsea:

Yeah. At some point someone will probably have to intervene. But what it really means to be beloved, right? The Lord says that we are beloved. He says, “Because you’re precious and honored in my sight. I love you.” We feel that way about our babies and we just cannot forget that the Father looks at us that way. He has to, even more perfectly, right? There’s no way that he’s given me a pure and better love. There’s no way, right? The Father loves more purely. The Father loves more. He loves more extravagantly. But the way that we look at our babies, think about the grandkids you guys have welcomed into your home. They can do no wrong, right?

(09:45):

When you get that … I’m a labor and delivery nurse, so I see the way grandmothers act about babies and they’re totally nuts. They’re bananas. And so-

Dave (09:54):

Oh, this week they did mess up the casting reel on my fishing pole.

Chelsea (09:59):

And are you over it?

Adam (10:00):

And did you stop loving them?

Dave:

I mean, it was like …

Chelsea:

—this close.

Dave:

Don’t hand a six-year-old a fishing rod. It’s not going to go well.

Ann (10:08):

I love this, Chelsea, because it really is. I’m not sure we all understand the Father’s love for us.

Dave (10:15):

That’s what I was thinking when you’re saying that. I was thinking you are so grounded in that that it’s … You know this as parents, it’s true as a pastor or anything, you cannot give away what you don’t possess.

Chelsea:

That’s right.

Dave:

You possess this identity.

Adam (10:30):

I hope so.

Dave (10:30):

I mean, it’s a romance.

Ann:

It’s a confidence.

Dave:

It’s the aroma of Christ I can sense in you. How about the parents that doesn’t have that? That’s good. They just don’t. I mean, they’re not in the Word. They don’t even know how God thinks of them like you do.

Adam (10:45):

Yeah. Let me speak to that real quick because I think some part of … So much of this book is written in Galatians 5, right? It’s a fruit of the Spirit. And we hear it described as when you walk by the Spirit, these are the fruit that come into your life. And I think parents hear that phrase when you walk by the Spirit and think again about behavior. “If I were just a better parent, if I would just walk like God called me to, then I would have joy and then I would have peace. Well, I struggle with that or I can’t do that.” Or “There’s some parents that must be good at that, but not me.” But I think the picture is kind of twisted. The picture of walking by the Spirit is not rooted initially in, if you would just do what God asked you to do, you would have this, but rather the picture is saying if your life is one where you’re walking alongside God, then this is what comes from that.

(11:27):

This is the fruit of that. Not if you could just fix your life, it would look more like this. But similar to any walk you might take with your—maybe a grandson or a son now. Think of it like John 21, where Jesus walks with Peter after Peter has had a terrible week.

(11:43):

He’s messed up in a thousand ways. Jesus cooks him breakfast and then takes him on a walk. And in that walk, He explains what, some tough things. Hey, when you were little, you were able to do what you wanted to do when you grow old. It’s not going to be what you want and it’s going to be a pretty hard death and I’m going to call you still to follow me. And if we could get in that picture of, what would it look like for me to walk by Jesus? It may not all be good news. It may be, “Hey, here’s the challenge that’s going to come with that. ” Jesus is in that same conversation, “Do you love me? Then here’s what we’re going to do. If you love me, then there’s what we’re going to do. Do you love me? Here’s what we’re going to do.

(12:17):

You follow me.” If we could think about, if I’m struggling to walk by the spirit and saying, “I don’t feel like I have the aroma of Christ,” then I get myself around people who do.

(12:27):

And I say my spiritual life needs to look like time with a Dave Wilson, saying, “Can I please take you for breakfast because I’m struggling as a dad and I just want to talk about fatherhood. What did it look like in your home? Here’s what my home looks like. I don’t see joy. I don’t see peace. I don’t see patience.” And you go, “Okay, what does a walk with God look like?” It may start with walking with the people of God. It may start with walking next to his Word more closely than you have, saturating your life in the Word of God until the loudest voice you hear is not your algorithm on social media. It’s not the talk radio that you’ve been listening to. It’s not the sports broadcast you have. The loudest voice in your life is the Lord’s, not even your internal voice.

(13:06):

And then in that, I think we find freedom.

Dave (13:12):

Okay, I bet you’re thinking “I would love in 2026 to help other marriages.”

Ann (13:17):

Do you think people are thinking that?

Dave (13:19):

Yeah, I think they’re starting to hear like, “I want to help our marriage,” but I’m telling you—

Ann (13:22):

That’s what I was thinking, “I want to help our marriage.”

Dave (13:24):

Well, what people don’t understand is the best way to help your marriage is to pour into others. Jesus said if you want to find your life, lose it in serving Him and serving others. And we’ve discovered that as we brought people into our home and we pour into their marriages, our marriage gets better and so does theirs.

Ann (13:39):

And I think the myth is you have to have a perfect marriage to be able to lead a small group and that is not true at all. You can just say, “You guys, we are struggling. Maybe you are too, but we want to have a better marriage and maybe you do too.”

Dave (13:51):

And we have tools for you to help you help other couples. They’re our small group workbooks, our small group kits, and they’re all on sale right now, 25% off through the end of the month. And you can pick anyone you want. It will help you and help the other couples. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com, get the one you want and go change some lives.

Ann (14:11):

So find your study at FamilyLifeToday.com.

I remember, I forget where we were, but we did this talk and I had, they used to have a thing called the Nerf Brain Ball. Do you remember that? It was a Nerf ball, but it was shaped like a brain. You could see it looked like a brain. And the illustration—I’m a visual person—and so I was pouring stuff into the brain. I said, “Whatever you put into your heart, your brain, your soul, and you squeeze it and that’s what comes out.” And so that’s the question for us as parents and even believers in Christ, what is your brain and your heart and your soul being saturated with? What are you saturating it with?

Because I know that when I am walking close to Jesus, which means I’m just talking to Him all day long and I have to be in the Word. I don’t like think, should I be in the Word? I have to be because I’m desperate. Without Him, I am not displaying any fruit people. It’s not pretty. And so am I walking with those that encourage me or they see something like, “Oh, Ann, I can see…” They’ll speak truth to me, which isn’t easy to hear. When I’m pouring into my brain those things, that’s what’s going to automatically come out. It’s that is exactly what you’re talking about. It’s the fruit.

Adam (15:34):

It’s the attributes that God has that we get by walking with Him. It’s not the attributes He expects from us before His love is merited, right? And so one of my favorite chapters in the book, we talk about patience. And so often as parents, we think of patience as like—

Ann (15:48):

Oh yeah, talk about this.

Adam (15:49):

—“Just be quiet until mommy’s ready.” And what we mean by patience is, my kids are a nuisance, and I want them to stop being a nuisance. That’s what we communicate to our kids over and over again. But the truth is Ann, and you know this, that patience in the Word of God is not just a silently waiting for whatever God wants us to do. Patience in some translations in English, it’ll translate the Greek word as longsuffering or as forbearance. It’s the ability to keep putting up with things and keep going. And if we could see that patience is something the Lord has, that if I walked with Him, I would have, that applies to so much of parenting.

Ann (16:24):

That is parenting.

Adam (16:25):

Yes. To say I could be patient. And by that, I don’t mean timid. I mean, tenacious. I mean, we could keep going. The patience in the Greek is so much closer to the word grit than the way we would use it in English, that you could just keep going even in spite of the resistance you feel, even in spite of the judgment in your heart, is that the fruit of the Spirit, what would come if we would walk with God is this tenacity to say, “I can keep going and I’m not going to give up because the Lord is the one who’s walking with me. ”

Ann:

That’s good.

Dave (16:53):

I mean, does that come from your daily encounter? Because I was literally looking at one of the quotes under patience, “Sometimes what you need more than rest is fuel.”

Adam (17:02):

Yes. Amen.

Dave (17:03):

I thought that’s so true.

Ann (17:04):

That’s really good.

Dave (17:05):

Because we think, “I just need a break. I just need…” And we do, but if you’re not getting fueled out of that, you’re going to be back where you were a day ago.

Adam (17:16):

Yeah. Similar to what we were talking about earlier, Dave, in being a man of the second shift, if we think about coming home—

Dave (17:22):

Second shift.

Adam (17:22):

Yeah. In this generation—

Dave (17:23):

Describe that, because I don’t think we said that on air.

Adam (17:25):

The second shift is the man who maybe has tended to, in this generation, think of his work is separate from home and then when he comes home, his home is a place of relaxation. And in that, we would demand patience from our kids and demand peace in the home because I’ve had a long day at work and I’ve had a long week. Second shift is the idea of when I get home, I’m punching in for the real work that God has called me to. I do have a job and my job is important, but this is my calling. I’m called to be a dad. I’m coming home and trying to do this faithfully. And when we think about rest and relaxation as that’s what my home is for, then yeah, kids are going to seem like a nuisance. They’re going to seem like they’ve ruined something for you.

(18:04):

Instead of realizing, no, home is a place of my most beautiful work.

(18:10):

And for that, yes, it is good to get sleep. For that, it is good to have relaxation and occasional vacations, longer breaks and stints where I replenish. But you know this, your body doesn’t just need to sleep. It needs to eat and it doesn’t eat because you need that moment of relaxation. It eats because it needs fuel to keep going. And if we can look at our parenting as something that doesn’t just need occasional breaks from the kids, but it’s fueled by my walk with the Spirit to be with my kids and is fueled in my time away from the kids to be with the kids. Say, “If this is my calling, then what fuels my fire?” Some of that is going to be inspiration. It’s going to be being reminded of what I am called to. It’s like the coaches talk at halftime of the game or it’s the chaplain talk that I’m sure any Detroit victory probably came starting from the guy who spent some time spiritually guiding them, right?

(19:02):

Yeah.

Dave (19:02):

Of course it’s a chaplain. You know I’m the losingest chaplain in the history of the NFL.

Adam (19:06):

Is that right?

Dave (19:07):

You know that’s who you’re talking to.

Adam (19:08):

Well, I wasn’t keeping track of the record.

Chelsea (19:09):

God’s power is made perfect in our weakness.

Dave (19:13):

Now they’re winning and I’m not there.

Adam:

But it’s the fruit of your labors for so many years that are now paying dividends. You’re planting those seeds.

Chelsea (19:21):

They’re reaping.

Ann:

But that is so good. What you’re talking about is I don’t think we even consider this because every parent is thinking, “I just need a break.” What about the women who just heard this and think, “My husband does not click into second shift. My husband comes in and he lays on the couch, and he puts on ESPN or whatever.”

Adam (19:40):

Why’d you point at Dave when you said that?

Dave:

She did. She did.

Ann (19:44):

But I think a lot of … See, and here’s the comparison thing that just clicked in. So what do we do with that?

Chelsea (19:50):

We get this question all the time, our prayer for raising boys and raising up different kind of men than a lot of generations are used to, but there are a lot of women that are leading their home spiritually and feeling alone in it.

Ann:

And single moms.

Chelsea:

Single moms, yeah. And what I would say, and with all the gentleness in the world, I hope that they could hear this with the gentleness of Christ, but they are not off the hook for discipleship. They are not off the hook for God’s call on their life. And so I would encourage them to pray like crazy for their husband, to love him and encourage him and respect him and do the things that are called in scripture for a wife to do. And everywhere she feels maybe that bitterness, to surrender that to the Lord and really recognize it more as grief.

(20:38):

And bring her grief to the Lord. And He says He is near to the brokenhearted, that He sees our tears, and really labor through the grief of that. But when it comes to your own children, the great commission doesn’t go out and Jesus says, “Oh, but if you ever feel alone, then you don’t have to do it. ” He says, “I’m always with you. ” And so He doesn’t relieve the great commission for anyone who’s having a hard time or for anyone who feels lonely, but rather to say, the Lord will give you the strength for this and to still do your part. A single mom doesn’t have to try to be a mom and a dad, or a woman who’s in a marriage but maybe is the only spiritual leader in her home, she doesn’t have to try to be the father as well, but she is called to be the woman that God’s called her to be.

(21:25):

And so where we can lay that grief down and ask the Lord for His help and to say, “Keep going,” that kind of patience and grit that Adam’s talking about, keep going.

Ann (21:35):

And I love the picture that you painted too just a little while ago as we were talking about, you have not because you asked not. Go to the Father, crawl in His lap and say, “Lord, I feel alone. I feel like I’m doing this by myself,” to go to Him and to pour out your heart of what you’re feeling and He loves you. He’s with you. He’ll equip you. He’ll give you guidance. But I think that’s true that we can tend to look at our spouse and think, “Well, he should be doing this.”

Adam (22:05):

Totally. I mean, Elijah, in his story, he has this moment where he had this literally mountaintop experience and then his life is threatened, and he runs off. And do you remember his complaint? God says, “What are you doing here?” And Elijah says, “I’m the only one.”

Ann (22:19):

Yes.

Adam (22:19):

“I’m the only one doing this.” And then God says—remember He sends an angel to minister to him and the angel ministers to him and the word he gives him is, “Hey, you need to sleep, you need to eat, and this journey is too much for you.” And then he lets him sleep and eat and he wakes up again and he has him eat and sleep again. “Now you’re going to eat, you’re going to sleep again. This journey is too much for you.” And then Elijah keeps going and God asks him the same question twice. And Elijah gives the same exact answer. “Hey, Elijah, what are you doing here? “He says,” I’m the only one. I’m the only one doing this.” And you remember what God’s response is to Elijah, it’s so good for the single mom, single dad, any parent or parents feeling like they’re the only one in their community who are discipling their kids. That sense of aloneness, God actually affirms Elijah’s answer in saying,” We are going to keep doing hard work, but he also corrects Elijah and says, “There’s actually 7,000 people that I have reserved that are doing this.” Maybe in that moment where you go, “I’m the only one doing this,” you would say, “Yes, this journey is too much for you.”

(23:15):

And sometimes we need to hear that. Sometimes the biblical response to sadness is lament. It’s not cheering you up and saying, “Let’s just fix this.” It’s saying, “Yes, this is a sad situation.

(23:24):

It is hard to parent by yourself or disciple by yourself. That is hard. Let us lament with you.” And sometimes we need to be kind of roused out of our sleepiness or a self-pity that says also we are still going to do the hard work. Also, we are going to keep going. Also, if there’s any idleness in our heart for the journey that is too much for us, the Lord is enough. And so we’ll turn to Him in the midst of that.

Dave (23:48):

What a great conversation with Adam and Chelsea. You can get their book at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes and pick one up, maybe pick three up.

Ann (23:58):

And they’ll be back with us tomorrow.

Dave (23:59):

Yeah, we got one more day with them.

Ann (24:01):

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Dave (24:16):

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Ann (24:32):

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Dave (24:46):

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