Scared We’re Drifting Apart: Tim & Kathy Bush

Shelby: Hey, Shelby Abbott here. Before we get started with today’s program, I want you to pause and imagine yourself with your spouse, sitting on two deck chairs in a very warm and beautiful environment, on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. After you’re done hanging out with your spouse and relaxing, getting some sun, you head over and have a romantic dinner together; then you go and hear an amazing message that helps to encourage you in loving your spouse and walking with God.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about the 2025 Love Like You Mean It^®marriage cruise. We’re having a sale right now, and it’s a great time to save big on this incredibly unique environment to enjoy working on your marriage, being intentional in your walk with God, and doing it all in places like the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, St. Thomas, and Miami, Florida. So, if that sounds interesting to you, head over to LoveLikeYouMeanItCruise.com, or you can check out the link in today’s Show Notes.

Alright, let’s get to the program!

Kathy: We never want people to think that’s okay; any part of this sin, we never want them to think that’s okay. And we don’t want people to think because we were in that, that if they’re in it, that’s okay. The realization of being in sin is that you need to get out of it. That’s the place that we want people to go.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife app.

Dave: This is FamilyLife Today!

Do you remember the first time we met this couple sitting over here?

Ann: I sure do.

Dave: Yes, what do you remember?

Ann: Love Like You Mean It cruise. I thought, “This is the coolest couple!”

Dave: Do you know what? I don’t even know what year, but I guarantee Tim Bush, sitting over here, knows the year. 2000-what?

Tim: 14.

Dave: 2014! You probably know the date: February something.

Kathy: Yes, what was it?

Tim: It was early February, around the 5^th or 6^th of February.

Ann: He is kind of a savant with dates.

Dave: So, in case you’re wondering, we’ve got Tim and Kathy Bush. That’s the voice of Tim, and Kathy already jumped in over there. We are so excited to have you guys in the studio.

Ann: You guys, welcome to FamilyLife Today.

Tim: Thank you.

Kathy: We are so excited to be here.

Dave: I don’t know another couple in the country that’s doing what you’re doing. You’re everywhere. You travel more than we do! [Laughter]

Ann: To tell people of the hope that you’ve found in Jesus for marriage, because you’re going to hear their story today. You have a powerful story of what God has done.

Dave: Yes; and I don’t know when Ann said, “You’ve got to write this in a book,” but you did!

Ann: Yes.

Dave: Nobody thought it would be called what it’s called. [Laughter] How did you come up with Sex on the First Date as your title? Some people will just say, “Wait, wait, wait! Did you say—what?”

Kathy: Yes.

Dave: It’s called Sex on the First Date. Let me tell you the subtitle, though: Our Story of a Broken Beginning to a Radically Transformed Marriage. We’re going to walk through the story, but was this a title you thought you could use—or not use—in a Christian book?

Tim: It was a title I thought we had to use all along.

Dave: Yes.

Tim: There was just no doubt in my mind. I felt like it was catchy, but it was the truth.

Kathy: Well, let me say, too, I think that because of the honesty that Tim and I share, we just put it all out there in the book. Sex on the First Date is what happened, so that’s what we named it. I think because we’re so transparent and honest, we wanted our book to be that way.

Tim: And early on, too, when we were doing The Art of Marriage in a six-week version, we were sharing our story. People were so attracted to Week 3 and Week 4, because we were sharing what we did without shame. We were sharing it in a way that people could connect to; people who had been going to church 20 or 30 years, and never had anybody share like that. They are used to going to church on Sunday [where] people are happy, they’re wearing their church clothes; but they realize, “That’s not real.” At least, it wasn’t real for us. And those kinds of comments, we got all the time.

Ann: And there could be people who, maybe, their past isn’t that great, and there’s a lot of shame attached to that.

Kathy: Yes.

Ann: So, for you guys to say, “This is where we were, but this is where God has taken us”—there’s something about the vulnerability of saying, “This is what we’ve been through.” Other people say, “You, too?” But you’re gutsy enough to share it.

Dave: Yes; and Tim, share what you always share, when you’re about to tell the details. You usually say, “I’m not trying to do this—”

Tim: Well, we don’t want to glorify the sin in what we do; we want to glorify God. But we have to share these details. And we’re not the same people anymore. We always share that, when we do our sessions. During Session 2, at the very start, we start with that. It’s just very important, because we’re not the same people. We’re new creations. In fact, that’s Kathy’s life verse. We’re new creations, and we know that; but we have to share the stuff to connect with the people.

Dave: Yes.

Kathy: Yes. We never want people to think that’s okay; any part of this sin, we never want them to think that’s okay. And we don’t want people to think because we were in that, that if they’re in it, that’s okay. The realization of being in sin is that you need to get out of it. That’s the place that we want people to go.

Tim: And honestly, I can tell you, for us, it’s really hard to share that stuff. It’s not easy, because we’re not those same people; but we know that God wants us to share it. So, when we share that stuff, we even say at the end of Session 4, “We’re so glad we’re finally out of the dark and into the light!”

Kathy: “Into the light!”

Tim: Because it’s hard to talk about those things, especially when there’s so much.

Ann: And probably, a lot of regret.

Kathy: Oh, yes!

Tim: Lots of regret.

Kathy: A lot!

Tim: Because you can’t change what happened.

Ann: Right, yes.

Dave: And I know that, as I read it—again, I thought we knew your story, because we’ve been with you now over a decade, and we’ve heard much; man, there were details—!

And then, the videos; you have videos, and you see you in the “before Christ” days. It’s dark; but it makes the light so much brighter.

Ann: Aw, that’s a good way to put it.

Dave: Because that’s your title: A Broken Beginning to Radically Transformed. Again, God did a work! Now, you’re like, “Whoa! That’s what God does.”

Ann: Our listeners are probably thinking, “Let’s get to it! Stop talking about it!” [Laughter]

Dave: I mean, you go from death to life!

Kathy: Yes.

Dave: Chapter One, you start with a pretty interesting story.

Ann: Chapter One is called “Caught.”

Tim: Yes.

Kathy: Yes, and you know, that part of our story is one of the hardest to tell. That season of my life, and that stage of my life, where we start the book was probably the most regretful and the most hurt that I caused Tim.

Tim: Kath was in school for eight months—in aesthetic school—and I didn’t think she was going to come back.

Kathy: And I didn’t either. I really wasn’t planning on coming back.

Dave: How old—? How long were you married?

Tim: At this point, we were—

Kathy: —25 years.

Tim: —at the 25-year mark in our marriage.

Dave: Wow!

Kathy: I do know that; 25.

Tim: And she was on the other side of the state, in our motor home, and it was a trying time; because at this point, it was the very first time in our marriage, really, that I was true to Kath (meaning, I had done a lot of bad things, but I’d never told her).

Ann: So, what happened?

Kathy: After I was in school—and I loved this school; it was aesthetic school (skin care), and it was all about health, holistic health, which I’m interested in. I knew Day One I was in the right place. I was passionate about that, and I threw my life into going to school. I had dropped out of high school at 18, pregnant when Tim and I got married. Then, I had later gone to beauty school, and I had dropped out of beauty school. So, I had not a whole lot of self-esteem. So, I went away to this school, thinking, “I’m just going to do the best that I can,” and I end up getting A’s. I was an honor student, and I had perfect attendance.

But then, at this time, too, our life had a lot of alcohol involved. Tim and I had been drinking together; but I went to school, and I thought, “I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to have that life. I’m going to just really concentrate on school.”

Ann: A whole new start for you?

Kathy: It was! But then, about four weeks before graduation, there was a woman that I went to school with, and she had said, “Let’s go to the bar with some friends.” Part of me was thinking, “I don’t know if I should do that!” And then, I thought, “You know what? School’s getting close to an end. I’ll be fine.”

So, I went out that night, and there was lots of drinking. I get drunk, and I end up meeting a guy at the bar and hook up with him. And this pattern starts for the last four weeks of my school. But part of me was thinking, “I want to be married to Tim. What am I doing?” And “it’s the alcohol. I’m putting myself in those situations,” which I had done before. But part of me was thinking, “I still want to be married to Tim.”

“If I want to stay married to Tim, I’m going to have to tell him about this, and this is going to destroy him.”

Tim: Toward the end, I was in Mexico one night, and I called her, at what I thought was going to be around midnight. She wasn’t home yet. I called again at one in the morning; I called at two in the morning; three in the morning; four in the morning. She never answered.

Ann: Ah, Tim! What was going through your heart and head?

Tim: I was totally freaking out. I was totally out of control! I was in Mexico, a long way away.

Kathy: But what was happening, too, in these last few weeks, was [that] he started—because of what I started doing, out at the bars, drinking—Tim sensed that something was going on, so he started trying to control me from a distance. He would call me all the time, wanting to know where I was. This was our pattern!

So, for me, I even felt more caged up again, because the more Tim would try to control me—it was almost like a child; like I was rebelling. And then, there was a sense of me—I think I thought, too—“I’ve got to get this out of my system. It’s going to get out of my system.” That’s what I thought: “You know, If I can just get this out of my system.”

There was never a moment in me that I thought, “I won’t tell Tim this.” Because I couldn’t live with it, and so, I had to tell him. I knew I was going to have to tell him.

Tim: And on that same trip, when I was in Mexico, I came to the Seattle airport and Kath picked me up from the airport. It was going to be—I was going to bring her home. I left Mexico; I had a meeting down there. I was with the kids; I was with T.J. and Amanda and Trey. I wanted—I was meeting her there. She picked me up, and she looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her [look]. She was just, “Wow!” She actually made me feel like she wanted me to be there.

I remember when she picked me up; I remember the car she was driving; I remember what she was wearing. It was an amazing connection that night.

Kathy: But the thing about that, too—and I think about this: we talked about this, and we didn’t even put this in the book: this is how at the bottom we were, and how at the bottom I was. I remember seeing Tim and just feeling love for him; but in my mind, I thought, “I can’t even make love to my husband because I could give him a disease.” I remember thinking that, and there was a period in that time that I actually thought I was pregnant. That’s the person that I was, and the thoughts that I had about things.

Dave: So, did you tell him? I mean, what happened? You got back home—

Kathy: So, it was on the drive home that I told him a few—a little bit of it. I started sharing some of the things with him.

Dave: I mean, was it something that you felt like you just had to tell him?

Kathy: I just felt like I had to tell him!

Dave: You couldn’t even wait until you got home or the next day?

Kathy: No!

Tim: Kath has always been that—

Kathy: —I was always that way.

Tim: She could never—

Kathy: —I just felt guilt! I couldn’t look at him without him knowing. I think he could almost see it in me, too. So, I shared a little bit; but it wasn’t until—the first chapter of the book is called “Caught”—we got home, and I shared some of the things with him. But then, he was leaving one day for work—I think it was a couple of weeks later—and I thought—in my mind, I thought—“You know, probably our marriage is—we’re going to stay married, and I’m going to have an affair once in a while. I’m going to satisfy that need.”

I thought of an old boyfriend, and I called him. I thought Tim had left the house, and he ended up coming back in and coming up to the office, and [he] caught me on the phone. Then, that’s when I told him everything, which was the rock bottom.

Dave: Yes, Tim, what did you think?

Tim: Well, at that point, I thought, “We just can’t be married.”

Dave: Yes.

Tim: “This is finally my—I’m at the end, for me.”

Kathy: For the first time.

Tim: For the first time, really. I couldn’t do it, because of (as we’ll talk about in the book, later) my past, growing up. I wasn’t marriage material, but I did not want a divorce no matter what.

Ann: Your mom had been divorced nine—?

Tim: —yes, she was married—

Ann: —nine—

Tim: —nine times.

Ann: Married nine times.

Tim: Yes; so, that was—and my dad married; well, he’s with his fifth now. It was really tough when Kath told me that. I just thought, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. How are we ever going to make it?”

And the funny thing is (and it even says this in the book), we were together that morning, and we had sex. I thought it was great. We had this amazing connection that morning. I was literally gone five minutes, and I came back, walking up the stairs, and I went to that room. I’m hearing her talking to somebody, and it wasn’t her mom; it wasn’t her sister. I could tell it was a dude.

Then, I hear her say, “My marriage isn’t good. How is yours?” talking to the guy. It just put me into a spin cycle. It was really a tough morning.

Dave: I mean, did you go to work? Or did you just blow up?

Tim: I just—well, Kath had a phone card on the desk. I asked her, “What is that?” And I realized that I could trace those calls, and I told her I was going to. It was back! I wanted to manipulate and control—

Kathy: —back in the days of the phone cards—

Ann: Yes, yes.

Kathy: So, he couldn’t trace the cell phone.

Tim: I wanted to figure this out, get the wound opened up and get it figured out.

Kathy: But you had threatened me.

Tim: Yes.

Kathy: He had threatened me. He had threatened: “I’m going to check all these phone calls.” I actually begged him! He was going to head to work, and I remember begging him, saying, “I don’t want to live like this! I don’t want our marriage to be like this. I want to be married. I will do whatever you want. We’ll go to counseling.” I just said, “Let’s make this work.” I remember begging him, because I felt like that was the first time that he was done with me.

And I wasn’t, for some reason. That’s the thing. It’s like we had this cycle in our marriage, where I wanted a divorce, and he didn’t. I truly think that this is the first time that he had said—once in a while, he would say, “Well, we can get a divorce. You know, I’ll keep the kids, and you can get half of the bills.” That, kind of, was his comeback to me.

Tim: Yes, “you can get half of the bills, and you’re going to have to go to work and figure it out, because I’m not paying your bills. I’m not paying that guy’s bills.” I was pretty manipulative. I was going to control it, even from a distance.

Dave: Yes, and in the book, you know, you open up with that, then you sort of go back and take us to that. I mean, what are the pieces of your lives before you were married, and even dating, that led you to where you were?

Ann: Because we all have baggage.

Kathy: Yes.

Dave: Yes, we bring it!

Ann: Yes; we bring it into the marriage, not realizing, “Oh, so much of this—so much of this—is because of my past.”

Kathy: Yes.

Ann: So, take us back to that a little bit. What affected your marriage?

Tim: Do you want me to go first, or you?

Kathy: You go ahead.

Tim: So, you know, my mom and dad—my dad was a veteran. He was a Marine. They divorced [when I was] a year-old. My mom and dad—my mom was married nine times; she married two guys twice. My brother’s dad physically abused me; he put me in the hospital a couple of times from beatings. He also—I saw him beat my mom, too. That was a big—

You know, he was in his twenties. I have forgiven him since then. I don’t know what it would have been like to do that, for him. I don’t know his story; but I got to see that. Then, my mom married another guy who was very similar, and then, she married another guy who also physically abused me. So, I saw three different men hurt my mom. Then, at age 12, my mom went to my grandparents and said, “I can’t raise Tim anymore. Will you take him for adoption? Would you take custody of him?” She had already given my brother to his dad.

Ann: Ugh.

Tim: Because the guy that she wanted to marry didn’t want to marry anybody who had kids.

Ann: Talk about abandonment and rejection, Tim.

Kathy: Yes.

Tim: At age 12, which is when this was, my Pops said, “Well, we won’t take custody of him, but if we can adopt him, we’ll do it.” He was pretty smart.

Ann: Yes.

Tim: My mom said, “Well, you’re going to have to ask his dad.”

Ann: This is your grandfather?

Tim: My grandfather. My grandfather called my dad, and he said [to me], “I want you to listen to this conversation.” It was at a round table at the farmhouse. He dialed the phone on an old rotary phone; the old kind with a dial on it.

Dave: Yes.

Tim: And my dad’s nickname was Butch. My Pops said, “Butch, this is Merle. Janet wants to give Tim up for adoption, but we need your permission.” There was a pause, and then, my Pops said, “No, you won’t have to pay the $50 a month anymore.”

Ann: Oh!

Tim: My dad only lived 45 minutes away from me during all these years, and I only saw him, maybe, a half-dozen times during all those 12 years.

Then, there was another pause, and then, my Pops said, “No, as soon as you get the paperwork back to me, you’ll be relieved of your responsibility.” Click. End of conversation.

Ann: Oooooh, and you heard that conversation.

Tim: I heard that, and Pops wanted me to.

Ann: You’re on the other end.

Tim: Pops wanted me to.

Dave: Yes.

Tim: He said, “This will be profound for you someday, and you need to hear this.” Now, he also encouraged me to see my dad, too; my Pop did, even after, as I got older.

Then, we went to the judge for the adoption, and the judge asked me what name I wanted. I said, “Well, if I could have any name I want, it would be Bush.” I looked at my grandparents, and they said, “We were hoping you would say that.”

Ann: Because that was their last name?

Tim: Yes.

Dave: Wow.

Tim: So, that’s what they did.

Ann: Wait, Tim. You’re emotional—

Tim: Yes!

Ann: What do you feel when you talk about this and relive it?

Tim: Well, it feels like I was finally going to get this family that I wanted. I wanted a sense of family. They were solid—my grandparents—at least in my mind; but they didn’t end up being so solid either. They were solid in so many ways, but not in marriage; not showing what a good marriage would be.

There was no church, really, growing up, although I was baptized three different times: as a baby in the Nazarene church, and then one of my mom’s husbands wanted me to get baptized in the Baptist church. I had no idea what I was doing. Then, my mom married a Mormon guy, and I got to put a white robe on and get baptized in that church. So, three different baptisms, and I didn’t know what I was doing, but I did that. That was all before I was 12.

My grandparents—the only time we went to church was funerals or weddings. We didn’t go to church. My Pop was a hide-rider for me to be promiscuous. He said, “You’ve got to sow your wild oats, son!” Even to the point that—and I say this in the book—he handed me a brown paper bag with a box of Trojans in it, at 14 years old. He said, “I want you to use these. Don’t get any girls pregnant.”

He said, “You need to sow your wild oats, son. Someday, you’re going to be married to somebody like your Grandma for the rest of your life.” That was what that solid marriage looked like.

Ann: Wow.

Tim: That was what he said. So, that was pretty much—he was my cheerleader in that department; and he also taught me to work. My work ethic was high, because he said, “Women like men who have jobs and have things, who have money. You want to do that.” So, he taught me how to work; he taught me how to invest and things like that.

Ann: When did you start drinking?

Tim: They’d give me, at Christmas time, a wine flip or a little bit of Macnaughton’s in coke—at Christmas—when I was 13 or 14; just a little bit. He said, “I want you to know what this is so you can handle it as you get older.” That was his reasoning.

Then, when I got older, like high school, I would drink—He’d say, “It doesn’t bother me if you drink. Just don’t lie to me. And if you drink, don’t drive. Call me up to tell me you’re going to spend the night wherever you are. I’ll be good with that; just call me before 11, because I go to bed at 11.” So, that was just what we did, but it didn’t create much of an environment for me to be a good husband to Kath, because I didn’t know what a good husband looked like.

Dave: I mean, that was your premarital counseling.

Tim: Pretty much.

Shelby: You know, all of us come from a past that informs and shapes our present. Sometimes, it’s great stuff from the past that affects us, and sometimes, like Tim was talking about, it’s pretty rough. The real question is: how does the gospel get into the roots of our lives and change us now?

Well, we’re going to hear more from Tim and Kathy’s story tomorrow, which you won’t want to miss. I’m Shelby Abbott, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Tim and Kathy Bush on FamilyLife Today. Tim and Kathy have written a book together called Sex on the First Date. It’s a story of their broken beginning and how Jesus radically transformed their marriage. You can get a copy and learn more about their story and be inspired about what Jesus did in their life by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com and getting your copy. Or you can find it in the Show Notes, or call us at 800-358-6329; again, that number is 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY.”

You know, several years ago, and for over three decades, there was a voice on FamilyLife Today, and that voice was connected to a man named Bob Lepine. Bob was a mentor of mine. He trained me on how to do what I’m doing on FamilyLife Today right now. I have a deep respect for that man, as no doubt, you do if you listened in the past.

Bob has written a book called Twelve Things You Probably Didn’t Know about Easter. We are approaching that time of year where we get to celebrate the purposeful celebration of our risen Savior. This book really talks about, maybe, the nuance and some intricacies that you did not know about Easter. There are twelve weird and wonderful facts spanning all the way from the resurrection’s origins up through to the present-day.

This book that Bob Lepine has written is going to be our gift to you when you give to FamilyLife Today. You can get your copy now with any donation that you decide to make. Just go online to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the “Donate Now” button at the top of the page. Or you can give us a call with your donation at 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY.”

And feel free to drop us something in the mail, too, if you’d like. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, FL 32832. If you do send us a donation in the mail, make sure you let us know that you’d like a copy of Bob Lepine’s book, Twelve Things You Probably Didn’t Know about Easter.

We’ve been talking about Tim and Kathy’s marriage today, and you might be wondering, “How does God restore something like that?” You may be thinking about your own marriage and wondering, “How is God going to restore my relationship with my spouse? Does He do that still? Is that what He’s in the business of doing? It seems kind of hopeless.”

Well, we want you to come back tomorrow and listen to the restoration story of Tim and Kathy Bush’s marriage. That’s coming up tomorrow. We hope you’ll join us.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife^®, a Cru^® Ministry.

Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.

We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you’ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs? 

Copyright ^© 2024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

www.FamilyLife                                

1