The Marriage that Laughs Together: Ted Cunningham

Ted: Do you have a marriage—mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa; do you have a marriage—worth repeating? Do you have a marriage you want your children and grandchildren to have? Because guess what? They’re watching; they’re listening, remembering, and repeating. They see everything you do. They hear everything you say. They forget nothing. And then they repeat.

Shelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com.

Ann: This is FamilyLife—

Dave and Ann:  —Today!

Dave: So, today, we get to listen to a talk we heard on the Love Like You Mean It cruise.

Ann: Yes; you were pretty excited about this talk.

Dave: Yes; I mean, first of all, the Love Like You Mean It^®cruise was pretty amazing. It always is.

Ann: Yes, it really is. I think we’re hoping that you, our listener, will sign up for next year.

Dave: That’s one of the reasons we wanted you to hear what happened on this past cruise, because I think you’re going to say, “Why am I not sitting there, in the Caribbean, on a boat—” [Laughter] –-“with thousands of other people who love Jesus?”

Today, you get to hear from Ted Cunningham, one of my favorite, by the way, of this past Love Like You Mean It cruise, because I don’t know if I’ve laughed this hard in a long, long time. [Laughter]

Ann: He really drives home some great points about marriage, but you laugh along the way.

Dave: Well, yes! I mean, his whole message was about joy and laughter, and even when you’re struggling and going through something really, really hard—and many couples on the boat were struggling—this was a message that really lifted your eyes up and brought a little joy to your heart. I think you’re really, really going to enjoy it.

Ted Cunningham is the Founding Pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church in Branson, Missouri. He and his wife, Amy, have been married over 20 years and have two kids. In fact, he talks about kids in this message, so you don’t want to miss that as well.

Ann: And he’s written a bunch of books. He’s also—this is a fun one that he talked about—the author of Fun Loving You. That’s a lot of what he talks about in this message.

Dave: Yes; so, enjoy!

[Recording]

Ted: Well, my wife and I, we celebrated 27 years of marriage recently, and I brought our 25^th anniversary picture. I want to ask you this question: how many of you remember Olan Mills^®? Would you raise your hand? Olan Mills.

Okay; this is going to blow your mind. How many of you have never heard of Olan Mills in your life? Would you raise your hand? Alright, I always have to go to the newlyweds. Olan Mills—here’s what you have to do: pretend like your whole family just got arrested, and you need a group mug shot. That’s Olan Mills, right there. We all walked down into the basement of our church and stood there.

We replaced them in the ‘90s with Glamour Shots. Raise your hand if you had a glamour shot. Raise your hand if you regret your glamour shot. [Laughter] I’ve never seen anybody who was like, “Oh, I love it!” But one day, your grandkids are going to be going through your stuff, and they’re going to say, “What was going on with Grandma?!” And you won’t be here to defend yourself.

We don’t have Olan Mills; we don’t have Glamour Shots. We have outdoor photographers, and they’ve got a lot of energy. I cannot for the life of me understand these people. We showed up to this park, and the photographer says, “Amy, you stand right there. Ted, you run back there 30 feet. I want you to sprint up; I want you to grab her; pick her up, spin her around, set her back down.”

I said, “Should we stretch first?” [Laughter] I did not come prepared for this photo shoot; but I took the challenge, and I sprinted up; at about the 180 mark, I lost my balance. [Laughter] And for our 25^th wedding anniversary picture, I body slammed my wife to the ground with a force and with a passion! And I’m at that age that you don’t get up right away after you fall down. The photographer comes over and says, “Are you guys alright?” I said, “Tell me you got that!” She did not get that! All of that work for nothing!

But this [the photo] was about two minutes after; and this is the story of our marriage. Love walking side-by-side with Amy Cunningham through the grind of life. She has what I call a “silent, patriotic laugh.” When she finds something funny, she places her hand over her heart, she leans forward, and nothing comes out. [Laughter]

My goal is to get that laugh out of her every day. I’m married to a strong woman. Raise your hand if you’re married to a strong woman. Raise your hand if you love being married to a strong woman. I love being married to a strong woman! Everything in my wife is passion. I mean, she’s always fired up! I can come home from a bad day at church, and say, “Whew! It’s been a rough day.” She says, “Fine! Let’s quit and move to Africa and be missionaries full-time.” [Laughter] I’m like, “Hey! Let’s bring it down a notch.” [Laughter] “Let’s pray about it a little before we go moving continents and changing callings!”

She’s just passionate. And she loves to walk. She has a Fitbit^®. How many of you have a Fitbit? Let me see the Fitbits. Yes! Everything about Amy—everywhere we go—is getting our steps. I’ll come home from church, and say, “Babe, can we just stroll casually through the neighborhood?” And she’ll say, “No! We’re getting our steps in!” [Laughter]

She loves this show on TV with Chip and Joanna Gaines called Fixer Upper. And I have said, if I ever meet Chip Gaines---[Laughter]—he’s ruining our marriage. That’s really what’s happening with Chip Gaines. I’ll come home, and Amy’s in the dining room like this. I say, “What’s going on, Babe?” And she says, “You know, I think after dinner, we should get rid of this wall.” [Laughter] “Can we get rid of this wall right here?”

And I had to go online and find a term to save our marriage. Do you know what the term is? Load-bearing. [Laughter] Every wall in our home is load-bearing. [Laughter] You can’t touch one or the whole house comes down. [Applause]

My wife has two love languages: acts of service and quality time, which means I serve her for long periods of time. [Laughter] That’s what these two love languages mean. And in the middle of these two love languages, she has decluttering. She’s passionate about it! A core value in her is, if you haven’t used it in a while, you don’t need it. No! Wrong. [Laughter] And she always starts in the garage with this passion. She gets the garbage cart on wheels, and like a grocery cart around the garage, she’s just looking for stuff to throw away. [Laughter]

She’ll pick up one item at a time and say, “Hey, are you still using this?” I’m like, “Babe, that’s a hammer.” [Laughter] ”When’s the last time you used it?” And if you don’t have an answer, it’s getting tossed. She once held up the car charger; the battery charger for the car. She said, “I’ve never seen you use this.” She threw it away, and she said, “When we need one, we’ll just run get one.” [Laughter] I said, “Well, you don’t know what the premise of that piece of equipment is, because we won’t be running anywhere.” [Laughter]

My goal in life with Amy Cunningham is to get that silent, patriotic laugh every single day. I go for it every day; I’m not successful every day. Our daughter, Keren—I brought a picture of her; this is an older picture of Keren—is married now, but this is from years ago. She’s my Pioneer Girl. She loves everything knitting, sewing, and crocheting. She loved even raising the animals to harvest the fur and spin the yarn herself. This [photo] was a little fawn a neighbor raised, Sugar, and Keren would want to go over there every chance she could to spend time with Sugar.

This is my son, Carson. He loves deer, too. [Hunting photo] [Laughter] Good! I’m in safe company, because I’m in about 60-70 churches per year, and every year, one or two pastors will tell me I can’t show that picture. I asked FamilyLife: “Can I show that picture?” They were like, “Phew! You’re good. You’re good. That’s like half the profile pictures of the people on the boat, Ted.” [Laughter]

I grew up outside of Chicago in a fishing family. We didn’t hunt, but a buddy of ours, years ago, [when] Carson was 11—he’s now a freshman at Liberty University—I just remember getting dropped off in this stand with my 11-year-old and a loaded gun. My friend went with his grandson, about a mile away. This 11-point buck comes walking out of the woods.

I’ve experienced adrenaline catching big fish; I’ve never experienced this kind of adrenaline. I started shaking! I lean over and whisper in my son’s ear: “I don’t think I should be handling a gun right now.” [Laughter] My son said, “Dad, I’ve got it!” And he drops this 11-point buck. [Photo] [Applause] Look at that! There’s Virginia, at least. We went creekside. This was not for Johnny Morris in Branson [that] we took this picture. This was coming out of us! We were high-fiving and having the time of our life.

“I’m so proud of you, son! This is going to be a moment we remember for the rest of our lives!” After about five or ten minutes, Carson said, “Dad, Dad, Dad! What do we do now?” I said, “I have absolutely no idea.” [Laughter] “But I think, according to the movie, Red Dawn—[Laughter]—you have to take it’s heart. That’s the next step with this thing, while I rub blood on your face and yell, ‘Wolverine!’”

So, that’s my family. I’ll be talking about them a little bit. I’m here tonight, and I’m here this week, because my passion in life is helping couples enjoy life together and not make marriage harder than it actually is. If you’re looking for a good winter devotional read, I would encourage you to go to Ecclesiastes. It’s dark; it’s pessimistic; it very much fits my personality. Chapter One, “life is hard.” Chapter 12, “then you die.” [Laughter] These are the bookends of Ecclesiastes.

And in the middle of “life is hard, and then you die,” you get Ecclesiastes, Chapter 9, verse 9, which reads, “Endure life with your wife—”  [Laughter] “—all your miserable days.” I love being in churches when Bible’s are closed, and it’s not on the screen, and in a preacher voice, I’ll say, “Endure life with your wife all your miserable days!” And then, throughout the congregation, you’ll hear, “Mmm. Mmm-hmm.” [Laughter] “That’s good. That’s good.”

And I get to say, “That’s not what it says.” And this is one of my passions: to correct this—if it’s not taught, it’s in the tone of a lot of churches that I visit. It’s this marriage message—it goes something like this: “God gave you your spouse to beat you down; to suck the life right out of you, so you can be more like Jesus.” [Laughter] That theology has crept into the church, and we’ve got to get back to teaching people that God didn’t give you your spouse to be the grind of life. He gave you your spouse to go though the grind of life with. He gave you your spouse to enjoy life together. It says, “Enjoy life with your wife whom you love all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun, all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun.”

The word “toilsome” there means “grueling.” Life upon this earth—raising a family, providing for a family—can be very challenging. And I am grateful to have someone to walk side-by-side through all of that with. [Applause] God did not give me Amy to be the grind of life. He gave me Amy to walk through the grind with. I tell the guys in our church all the time: “Stop looking for greener grass! Where there is greener grass, there is a septic leak.” [Laughter] “Stay home and water your own lawn!” Can I get an “amen?”

[Studio]

Dave: We are listening to Ted Cunningham on FamilyLife Today from the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise. Part of that laughter you heard was me. [Laughter]

Ann: That is just funny!

Dave: Yes; so, as you’ve already heard, the guy is almost like a comedian. I found out he actually does some comedy work around the country. He had us in stitches, but it was laughter for a purpose. It wasn’t just—

Ann: —with truth—

Dave: —jokes; it was real-life marriage material that will enhance your marriage. I tell you what, there are times in our marriage where it’s really hard—

Ann: —where it’s a grind?

Dave: —and you need to laugh!

Ann: Yes, because it is a grind. [Laughter] So, he gave us some chances to do that. We’re going to take you back. That was just part of his message. You’re going to keep laughing. In this next section, you’re going to learn a little bit about how to parent as well; so, it’s marriage and parenting help. Here’s Ted:

[Recording]

Ted: Who here met online? Let me see the hands of all those who met online. It’s always a slow lift. Raise your hand! It’s legal! [Laughter] They’re always worried about it.

The seniors are thinking, “Is that legal?” It’s totally legal! Meeting online is a great way to meet; a good match is a good start, but it’s not a guarantee of a thriving marriage. So, I don’t care if you met on eHarmony, Match.com, FarmersOnly.com, Ancestry.com [Laughter]—I don’t care how you meet. It’s what you do after you meet that matters!

Every time I share that, the online couples are the biggest ones to go like this [Nodding head]. “That’s right!” Because you’re not going to find a thriving marriage and enjoying life together online through a test. It’s a decision you have to make every day. Our mentor, who started the church with us in Branson 22 years ago, Dr. Gary Smalley, walked alongside life and ministry and marriage with Amy and I for years. He went to be with the Lord about eight years ago.

His passion in life was helping couples take everything irritating, annoying, and frustrating about the grind of life, and finding a way to have fun with it. I remember, we were having lunch at the Fish House in Branson, and he gave Amy and I homework. He always loved homework! So, he would give you a homework assignment; you worked on it for a week until you came back for the next lunch. He would want to know how it went. So, this is what he said—he said, “I want you to find one thing this week—one thing—that’s been irritating you, annoying you in life, and I want you two to choose to have fun with it. Then, come back next week and tell me how it goes.”

I’ve already told you, I’m married to a strong woman. She takes these assignments very seriously. We get in the car, and she says, “Okay, marriage boy!” [Laughter] “I want you to tell me something bugging you right now. I’m going to show you how we’re going to have fun with it, and it will never bother us again.” This is the power of decision, the power of choice.

So, I told her; I was honest with her. I had it! It was fresh on my mind. I said, “Babe, there’s not a lot of adventure left for men in the world anymore. Would you please let me find my own parking space?” [Roaring Laughter] “I want to do it all by myself! I want to provide this for my family.” [Laughter]

Do you know what my wife said? “Game on!” This was 20 years ago, and can I tell you something? This is true; you can ask her. We have not fought in a parking lot since, because now, we have fun every time we pull into a parking lot. She still points out three spaces from the door; I completely ignore her. I cannot see that spot. I drive 20 spaces down to my own spot. We used to get frustrated with each other 20 years ago; but do you know what she does now when we pull into that spot? She leans over, starts massaging my bicep, and she’ll say [wispy voice], “You did this all by yourself!” [Laughter] “I’m so proud of you!” [To the children] “Your dad’s really good at this, isn’t he!?”

Do you know what I caught her doing a couple of years ago? She knows those Ande’s^® candies at the end of an Olive Garden^® meal are like crack to me. I can’t explain it. I love Ande’s candies. Well, she bought a bag of them, and she keeps them in her purse now for when I do something good. [Laughter] And it was in a parking lot [that] she handed me my first one. I ripped that thing out of her hand, and I’m opening it up; and I realize, “My wife just gave me a treat.” [Laughter] “She is rewarding my good behavior! I am a dog.” [Laughter] I opened up, I committed; and I went with it.

If you get nothing out of tonight, just pick one that’s been bugging you; that you’ve been [pestering sound] at each other for years, maybe! Say, “We’re no longer going to let that part of the grind of life stand in the way of us enjoying life together. We’re going to find a way to have fun with it.” Here’s what we know about marital satisfaction: marital satisfaction is based on factors and skills couples can do something about in every stage of life.

A lot of times, when I work with couples at the church, they always want me to help them out of the season or the stage that they’re in. And I’m here to tell you, you are, right now, a week away from a seven-, a nine-, and an eleven-year-old. You’re going back to a seven-, a nine-, and an eleven-year-old. We can’t get you out of that stage! So, we have to go through seasons and stages, and then, look at the factors and skills.

When the pandemic hit in March 2020, everything about life came to a halt, and Amy and I, for two weeks at the end of March, sat at launchers in our garage looking out at 11 chickens on the Cunningham farm. I don’t know if you’ve heard a chicken lay an egg lately, but we spent four hours per morning listening to all 11 of our chickens laying their eggs. For four hours, we just sat there, drinking coffee, not knowing what to do, listening to, [Screeching chicken noises]. [Laughter]

I remember Amy looking at me, saying, “We’re spending more time together than we’ve ever spent! And quality time is an important factor and skill in having a thriving marriage!” She said, “But would you consider this quality time?” And we had to get back, even in that difficult season. We had to make decisions.

Here’s something else we know: what was natural early on, you need to be intentional with later on. Who here has been married less than five years? Okay; a lot of what we’re going to be talking about is like breathing for you. Noone has to look at a newlywed couple and say, “Hey, are you guys touching enough? Are you touching enough?” [Laughter] Yes, it’s natural early on.

But after you’ve been married ten, twenty, or thirty years, you need to be reminded, as Dr. Gary Smalley reminded us all the time—the research shows that your wife, guys, needs 12 non-sexual touches per day, and it’s not, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve!” [Laughter] You know what a non-sexual touch is! It’s the hair over the ear; it’s a hand on the small of the back; it’s a hand on the thigh; it’s a kiss on the cheek; it’s a kiss on the forehead. It’s holding your wife’s hair back today so she could throw up without getting it in her hair.” [Laughter] [For those who experienced seasickness] That’s non-sexual touching.

You know what I’ve always loved about this, at 27 years of marriage? If you’ll be intentional with it, it can feel natural again. Making Amy laugh—this factor and skill we’re going to look at a little bit tonight—isn’t something I have to work all that hard on. We’re looking for our shared sense of humor all the time together; all the time.

I want to take you now to Genesis 2:24 and look at this very important factor: eradicating the kid-centered home; prioritizing your marriage in the home. Often, when we read Genesis 2:24, we see a marriage verse, but I want you to see the parenting implications of the very first half of this: “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother.” We’ve been teaching this to our kids since they were very small.”

When our son was five, you could ask Carson: “What’s your dad’s definition of maturity according to Genesis 2:24?” And Carson would say, “Ugh! I will not be with mom and dad forever, so plan accordingly!” [Laughter] “That’s right.”

You have to leave! “Unites to his wife, . . . they will become one flesh.” I have a question for you: do you have a marriage—mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa; do you have a marriage—worth repeating? Do you have a marriage you want your children and grandchildren to have? My children have spent their lives seeing me chasing Amy to get that silent, patriotic laugh. That’s why this ”enjoying life together” is so important. You want them to—because guess what? They’re watching; they’re listening, remembering, and repeating. They see everything you do. They hear everything you say. They forget nothing. And then they repeat.

My son and I—one of our love language is—, we send reels back and forth; but before we had reels, we just had YouTube^®, and when he was five, I showed him the German Coast Guard. If you haven’t seen this clip, when you get good internet, go to YouTube.com and type in “German Coast Guard.” My son fell over in laughter the first time he saw it. A guy’s being trained, Day One, in the German Coast Guard, when a mayday comes in:

“Mayday, mayday! We are sinking! We are sinking!”

“Uh, hello. This is the German Coast Guard.”

“Mayday, mayday! We are sinking!”

“Uh, what are you sinking about?”

[Laughter]

Carson, at five years old, got it! He falls over in laughter. We move on with our day; move on a couple of weeks. A few weeks later, we’re driving down the road, and I start singing a hymn from my childhood that goes like this: “I was sinking deep in sin, far from the gospel shore. . .” From the back seat, I heard [Child’s voice], “And what were you sinking about?” [Laughter]

I looked at Amy, and I said, “They see everything. They hear everything. They forget nothing. And then they repeat.” You want a marriage worth repeating.

[Studio]

Ann: We’ve been listening to a message that Ted Cunningham gave on the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise that we were on a few weeks ago. This guy is pretty remarkable! He’s insightful; he’s funny; he’s real; and we’ve learned a lot from him.

Dave: Yes; I personally enjoyed [hearing] him as much as anybody on that cruise, except you, of course. [Laughter] Your message was amazing!

Ann: But mine was to women.

Dave: I know, but I snuck in there. No, really, Ted was truly life-giving; but as you caught there right at the end, you know, the stuff he was saying about our kids is so true! They see everything; they hear everything; they forget nothing.

Ann: That’s scary!

Dave: And then, they repeat. It’s a challenging thought. I remember walking out of there thinking, “I laughed a lot, but I’ve also got to look in the mirror and think, ‘How am I living?’”

Ann: And I think that’s a good question for us: how are we living in front of our kids? What are they seeing? And are we representing Jesus? Do they see us praying? Do they see us praying together as a family and as a couple? Are our Bibles out? You know, I think those are good questions to ask.

Dave: Here’s what I want to say: if you weren’t a part of this Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise, I’m just telling you, you just got a little sliver of a taste of what it’s like. I would go to FamilyLifeToday.com right now and sign up for next year, because it’s going to sell out quickly.

Ann: Come and join us!

Shelby: Yes; I’m Shelby Abbot, and you’ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson on FamilyLife Today, as we’ve been hearing a message from the Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise. Well, Dave and Ann talked a lot about it. They hyped it up, and, no doubt, you are excited to go. So, we’re booking rooms right now, where you can have an eight-day, seven-night reconnection with your spouse. The link will be in the show notes if you want to make your reservation.

You can just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click on the Love Like You Mean It banner, or you can give us a call with your reservation at 800-358-6329; that’s 800-“F” as in family, “L” as in life, and then the word, “TODAY.” We’re sailing from February 8-15, so head over to FamilyLifeToday.com and make your reservation for the 2025 Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise.

Now, tomorrow, we’re going to hear more of what happened on the cruise this past month, and we get to hear from our very own Ann Wilson, who gave a talk there. She’s going to be exploring the power of vulnerability, unity, and positive thinking in marriage. As you think about your husband, are you someone who says, “Boooo!” Or are you speaking life into your husband. Ann is going to talk about that tomorrow, and I’m super-thrilled to hear from her.

On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I’m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.

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