Why You’re Still Stuck–And the Emotional Intelligence Skills You Need: Alicia Michelle

Episode Transcript

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Why You’re Still Stuck—And the Emotional Intelligence Skills You Need

Guest:Alicia Michelle

From the series:Emotional Confidence: Managing Emotions with Science and Scripture (Day 2 of 3)

Air date:May 19, 2026

Alicia (00:04):

We start thinking through what aspect of this is a lie, what aspect of this is true, what would God say about this? And we have to discern; I don’t want that to drag me down that path again because that’s not where God wants me to go. So the discern step is saying what is true and what is not true, asking the Holy Spirit for His clarity on how to find that answer so we know what to do with it next.

Dave (00:35):

Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I’m Dave Wilson.

Ann (00:41):

And I’m Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.

Dave (00:55):

We’ve got an emotional coach back with us, Alicia Michelle.

Ann (00:57):

How do you feel about that? How do you like talking about all these emotions?

Dave (01:00):

I actually do, as long as she doesn’t counsel me or jump into my life. But no, she is. It’s really, really helpful stuff and you’re going to love it. She wrote a book called Emotional Confidence, and we’re going to jump in right now. Let’s go.

Ann (01:17):

Let me ask you, because I’ll ask women a lot of times as we go through trauma or just lies from the past.

Alicia:

Yeah.

Ann:

What is the lie that you started to believe about yourself and the lie you started to believe about God?

Alicia (01:29):

Yes.

Ann (01:30):

Were there any lies? I can hear the lies you’re believing about yourself: I have to be perfect. What about God? Was there anything skewed in your view of God?

Alicia (01:40):

That is the thing that I think a lot of men and women, I work specifically with women, but it’s amazing. When we start digging into this, we can see, yes, I’m believing a lie. But as part of that, there’s been so many things that have happened that are challenging or difficult or painful. And there’s this slow little crack in our foundation of faith in God that’s developed. And we can’t move forward in that confidence in Christ if we have this little crack of, “Yeah, but is He going to come through? Is He really good? Because if He’s really good, then why did my mom die? Why did He allow that to happen to my son?

Ann (02:19):

Why did I go through this terrible divorce?

Alicia (02:20):

Why did I go through this terrible divorce? And even if we’re like, we can sit on the outside and go, “God is good. We trust Him. We love Him.” But if there’s that little bit of, yeah, but this is why dealing with the emotions is so important because it’s building inside and it is separating us from God so that suddenly we find, you know what? It’s really hard for me to trust God again. It’s really hard for me to have faith that He’s going to change this. I don’t know if I’m going to walk away from my faith, but how do I move forward?

Ann (02:50):

I think Dave and I experienced it. I have sexual abuse. Lord, where were you? Dave’s dad walked out on them. That was a big one for you, like God—

Dave (02:59):

Oh, my brother dying. I was seven years old. I mean, you got to be kidding me.

Ann (03:03):

Yeah.

Dave (03:04):

Yeah. I basically, I didn’t know it. I don’t think we do at that age, but I believed the lie that I have no one taking care of me. I take care of me. I had an amazing mom. I felt like she cared for me, but it was like, there’s no God.

Alicia (03:18):

Yes.

Dave (03:19):

I mean, my mom believes in Him, and I used to sort of snicker like, “How do you believe in a God that let this happen?” And so I think I developed the lie: I got to be good and I’m gifted at this, so that’s my ticket. I’ll be loved and approved and get all the accolades and walk into high school and everybody will know me, who I am, because I can do something on a football field.

Alicia:

Exactly.

Dave:

That was my lie. And then the question is, again, I come to Christ in college and I’m a new creature in Christ, but I bring that into our marriage.

Ann:

And so do I.

Dave:

And don’t realize you’re bringing that into your marriage. I mean, we had Deborah Fileta on here several times and Deborah has a quote that says, “Marriage is a mirror to your wounds.”

Alicia (04:03):

Oh, wow.

Dave (04:04):

And you know when she said that I’m like, she’s right.

Alicia:

So true.

Dave:

It’s like you get this gift which you hate because they’re showing you who you are. You hate that, but it’s a gift. It’s like she or he is like, “I’m reflecting back. Some of these wounds you don’t realize are there. They’re going to come out. It’s like marriage has that amazing ability to bring it all out and then you got to deal with it, and a lot don’t and they can’t make it.”

Ann (04:29):

And maybe this is a good time to get into your book and talk about your ADD principles of how we—that could be a good way to enter into this conversation.

Alicia (04:40):

Yeah. Before we enter in, and we can talk about that in a second, I wanted to comment on what you said. I think what’s the hardest part is that you can sit here and say that you have all that happening. You have the awareness.

Dave (04:51):

Yeah.

Alicia (04:52):

But imagine if you’re just going through life and if you haven’t given yourself permission or it’s too painful, you don’t want to look at that. All you know is it’s just hard to trust God or I’m constantly angry. I’m constantly frustrated. I don’t know how to get over this. I don’t know how to get past this. If you haven’t made that connection and felt like you have the ability, what do you do with that?

Ann (05:15):

Yeah.

Alicia (05:15):

So this is why so many people are stuck in this overwhelm exhaustion rut of survival because they’re just like, they have all this going on, but they don’t even know what it is coming from.

Ann (05:27):

And they probably feel guilty about having these doubts and wondering if God is there.

Alicia:

Yes. Why can’t I just believe it?

Ann:

They can’t even say it out loud.

Alicia (05:35):

Yes.

Ann (05:36):

But you’re saying, no, if you’re having that, that’s a good indicator of “Oh, I need to go back and see where that crack started.”

Alicia (05:42):

Yeah. This is why, kind of to answer your question, Ann, with the model of ADD, the very first step is acknowledge. There is so much freedom in just acknowledging what’s happening. And we can acknowledge with compassion because that is the Holy Spirit’s response to our pain. It’s compassion. He doesn’t look at our pain and say, “You know what? You should just get over that. Why do you still deal with that? What is wrong with you? Why do you doubt? Haven’t I proven myself to you?” He sees, “You know what? I understand why you were driven, Dave, because of what happened in your family. I understand why it’s there.” So let’s just see it and acknowledge it for what it is without judging it, but just seeing it, bringing it out into the open.

Dave (06:27):

I mean, do you sometimes need somebody like you or somebody beside you to go—because there are times I think I couldn’t see it.

Alicia (06:34):

Of course. Yeah.

Dave (06:34):

And so somebody say, acknowledge it and I’d be like, “Acknowledge what?”

Alicia:

Exactly.

Dave:

They’re looking at me, especially Ann, like, “Are you kidding me?”

Alicia (06:43):

That big elephant right there, don’t see it?

Dave (06:43):

Exactly. But a lot of times when you’re living it, you’re like, “Is it really that bad?” And they’re like, “You can’t see it.”

Ann (06:52):

And how do you do that if you’re a spouse and you see it in each other? How do you step into that and should we?

Alicia (07:00):

That’s a huge whole other can of worms.

Dave (07:02):

Go girls, I want to hear it. Because a lot of times—

Alicia (07:04):

What would you say, Ann, especially in light of your book and not wanting to taboo on your husband, as you say.

Ann (07:12):

Yeah, taboo on your husband. I think personality wise, I’m the type will be like, “Do you not see this?” And I probably didn’t say it nice at the beginning. Other people, I think, just get resentful.

Alicia:

Exactly.

Ann:

They’re not as verbal and vocal, so then this bitterness will kind of just take this root and then you don’t even like your spouse. But I think, and you can coach us all, but for me, it was a matter of prayer. And also, I’ll just be honest, I had to get to the point where I’ve got my own junk. Maybe I should be looking at my stuff first, but I do know that Dave doesn’t verbalize as much when he sees things in me. I wish he would, because I want to be better and I can’t see it and sometimes I need him to say it.

Alicia (08:04):

Exactly.

Ann (08:04):

And so I think if we would look at it in a way like we’re here as a team and we’re going to help each other to be better, to not be so defensive, I think there’s such a beauty in marriage because God put us together to maybe gently say, “Hey, your past, man, I don’t even know what that could have been like. I don’t know if I could have survived it.”

Alicia:

How this could be a connection.

Ann:

That you don’t even want to talk about any of it.

Dave (08:33):

One time with the guys that I was doing life at the time, three guys, we met every Wednesday, a couple hours. We were in each other’s lives for decades. And I remember when I came in, and this was because Ann said to me in the kitchen that week, she said something and I blew up and she just turned and I can still see her. We had little boys at the time, little, tiny kitchen. She just goes, “Every time I bring something up, that’s what you do. I’m not bringing stuff up anymore.” And she walks away—

(09:01):

—just turned, not mad, just sort of exhausted. And I remember looking at her and I think I said, “What do you mean?” And she goes, “Exhibit A.” And so I sit with these guys two days later and I go, and I’ll never forget this. I go, “Guys,” I didn’t tell them that. I just said, “Hey, I got a question.” They’re like, “What’s up?” I go, “Of all the emotions that we experienced as guys, what do you experience the most? Which one?” And I’m not kidding. All three guys go, “Emotions? Like what?” They didn’t even have them. So I had to throw it out. Okay, sadness, happiness, joy, anger. And every guy goes, “That’s easy.” I go, “What?” They go, “Anger.”

Alicia (09:38):

Yeah.

Dave (09:38):

Then they’re like, “Wilson, why are you asking this?” and I told them that story and I realized, okay, that’s a very common emotion—maybe for women, I don’t know, but for guys it was. And I go on a study then to understand anger, and I didn’t know anything about it because I’m like, “I think I have a problem. She’s identified it. I better look into it.”

Alicia (09:58):

So anger is a really interesting emotion and that it is kind of what we could call a surface emotion.

Dave (10:03):

Yeah.

Alicia (10:05):

Anger, frustration, kind of all the same world. They’re often those emotions we feel first because it’s just, if you think of a pot of boiling water on a stove, our emotions might be the water inside there. If we don’t keep track of the heat underneath or we’re not monitoring how that’s going, the water’s going to boil over. And so a lot of times it’s not surprising that you’re saying that as a guy, that anger is the main emotion. I’d heard that before too, but just that you’re testifying to that because if you don’t know what’s going on, you’re not going to know why the water’s boiling, you’re just going to see it boiling over and that’s anger, that’s overwhelmed, that’s exhaustion. So that’s where a lot of people start. It’s just that because that’s the most obvious. That’s the one that’s right there. However, as we dig underneath that, we see, oh, it’s not just, it’s sadness, there’s bitterness, there’s loss, there’s jealousy, these other things.

(11:00):

And I can deal with the anger, but if I don’t address the root behind the anger, then I’m just putting a Band-Aid on it over and over and over again. But as a guy, if you’re not thinking about your emotions or dealing with them, it makes sense that anger is the first one that you’re going to feel. I think in the first chapter of the book, I say, “I’m going to tell you why it’s emotions of causing problems in our culture, et cetera, et cetera.” But the point of this is you need to be at a place where you’re in pain enough to do something about it. You have come to a point like you did, Dave, where you’re like, “I don’t want this to be my legacy. I love my wife. I don’t want her to think I’m angry at her.” So if we are not frustrated enough about the way we’re living, we’re not going to make a change to begin to investigate it.

(11:43):

But the great news is that there are ways, there are tools that we can learn. There are things that we can help ourselves about our body, about our mind to understand those things and then to invite the Holy Spirit in to help us.

Dave (11:56):

Yeah, that’s a key.

Alicia (11:57):

So that’s what’s so cool.

Ann (11:59):

I love that. I love the A for acknowledge. Even, Dave, you, acknowledging that you’re angry. Like for a spouse to say, “I’m angry and I need to figure out what’s underneath this.”

Alicia (12:09):

No, I think it’s really important. It’s an interesting conversation about this in marriage because there are many times, especially if there’s this difference between one spouse is super aware of their emotions and the other one’s kind of like, “Huh?” about it? At least this is what God has had to teach me and we’re going to be married 25 years in March. So the fact that just because I’m feeling it and it may be even something that’s happening and it’s real, it doesn’t mean I have to bring it up.

Dave (12:39):

Explain that.

Alicia (12:40):

You’re laughing because you get it.

Ann (12:41):

I get it.

Alicia (12:41):

Because sometimes it’s just something that I need to work through with the Lord, this emotion. I keep bringing it to him and it keeps coming up and there’s not a lot of resolution, then maybe I bring it to my husband. But I used to in the beginning be like, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” about everything. And he was like, “What?” So God has had to teach me, which I think it flows really well into the whole idea of emotions because we’re talking to God about it. We’re going to Him about it. We’re as part of this. It’s not that it’s a foreign concept, but just that, “Let me work this out with you, but is this something I need to bring to my husband?”

Dave (13:18):

I mean, is this part of—is this the discern?

Ann (13:21):

And let me add this too. This is true about your kids too.

Alicia (13:25):

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.

Ann (13:26):

Because sometimes, especially as our kids get older, we’re constantly on them. And so to ask God, “God, should I say this?” Just because we feel it doesn’t mean we should say it. And especially with adult kids.

Alicia (13:39):

Yes, girl.

Dave (13:40):

But at the other side, you don’t want to stuff it.

Alicia (13:43):

No.

Dave (13:44):

You don’t want to stuff those emotions down.

Alicia (13:45):

So we’re not talking about stuffing though.

Ann:

No, you’re talking to God.

Alicia:

We’re talking about, we’re getting it out. We’re speaking to the Lord. We’re not stuffing. We’re not running. But what are we doing with it after that?

Ann (13:53):

Good distinction.

Alicia (13:54):

Right? Because you need to get it out. God wants us to get it out, but we don’t have to get it out and give it to someone else. But the thing with adult kids, boy, you are right on track. In fact, the other night, so 23, 21, 18, and 14 are my kids’ ages, there was a conversation that we had with a child who we have a pretty good relationship at this point and he walked away. The child walked away and my husband turns to me and he goes, “I don’t think we need to ask him anymore about this certain thing. I think that we just need to let him do it and let him figure it out. ” And I’m like, “But he’s like, I know what you’re thinking, honey, but I really think we just need to leave that.” And I’m like—

(14:38):

—okay. You just have to. You just have to. And I remember a few episodes ago you guys had, I think it’s Kevin Thompson was stay in your lanes.

Ann (14:50):

Wasn’t that so good?

Alicia (14:51):

Cool. I’m not even kidding. We shared that with our—we go to a small group Bible study that’s parents of adult children. I shared it with everyone in our group and they were like, “Man.”

Ann:

It’s so good.

Alicia:

Because it’s that concept. It’s the same thing.

Ann (15:05):

But I like that you said you’re not stuffing it for taking it to God and talking to Him about it. It’s the best thing we can do with it.

Alicia (15:11):

Amen. Yeah.

Luke Middendorf, President of FamilyLife (15:16):

Hi, friends. I’m Luke Middendorf, President of FamilyLife. For 50 years, God has been using this ministry to restore marriages and strengthen families. That happens because people like you show up. This month, your gift is matched dollar for dollar. Every dollar you give reaches twice as many families with the truth and hope of the gospel. Give today at FamilyLifeToday.com or call 800-FLToday. We’re grateful for you.

Dave (15:50):

Okay. You only did the A.

Alicia (15:52):

I only did the A.

Dave (15:53):

I guess we’re sort of talking about the—

Alicia (15:54):

We’re kind of going into discern.

Dave (15:55):

Yeah.

Alicia (15:56):

Acknowledge is saying it makes sense that I feel this way because—that’s kind of a statement. So in the book and in the coaching that I do, we teach people how to make an ADD statement. So you’re saying, “It makes sense I feel this way because.” That’s the acknowledge. And then for discern, we’re saying “It’s true that—this, but it’s not true this.” So if you think of this whole process as like, we’re going into a closet, a really messy closet, we’re pulling all the stuff out onto the floor. Acknowledge is pulling all the yucky and the good out. It’s all out there. The discern part is saying, “What do I want to keep?” First, what is helpful according and true, according to scripture. And then is it helpful? It may not even be a scriptural point, but is it helpful for me to still have this piece of clothing, so to speak?

(16:44):

So we start thinking through what aspect of this is a lie? What aspect of this is true? What would God say about this? Because everything is intertwined. It might be that voice from fourth grade telling me that I’m not good enough, and we have to discern. I don’t want that to drag me down that path again, because that’s not where God wants me to go. So the discern step is saying what is true and what is not true, asking the Holy Spirit for His clarity on how to find that answer so we know what to do with it next.

Ann (17:15):

Give us an example of what that looks like.

Alicia (17:17):

Okay, so—

Ann (17:18):

Besides the closet, I like the closet. So am I picking this up in the closet and deciding? I’m holding it up thinking, hmm.

Alicia (17:24):

Yeah. Am I going to keep that? Am I going to hang it back up? Is it time for it to go to Goodwill? Does it just need to go in the trash? What do I do with this? God, show me because it can get really tricky. We can think, but it feels like I’m afraid that she’s going to say this. I’m afraid that this is going to happen. Well, again, we’re acknowledging that that makes sense, but is that fear something that we want to hold onto that’s healthy? An example of that. If we can acknowledge this whole idea of being disappointed, a lot of times we feel disappointed about things. So we can acknowledge the disappointment is real. This really happened. It makes sense that I’m feeling this way.

Ann (18:09):

I’m sad about it.

Alicia (18:10):

I’m sad about it. I didn’t like that it happened and we can let the Lord give us compassion for that. But the discern part says, “But is it true that this is my future, a hopeless future? Is it true that I won’t ever find love again? Is it true that I’ll never find a friend I can trust again? Is it true that my child’s going to hurt me in the same way again? Whatever.” Is that true? No, not necessarily. I don’t know. It may be true, but I don’t want that to be my truth that guides my days. What is true is that I am called to love. I’m called to believe in God’s goodness and a plan that’s beyond what I can understand. So I’m going to the next, which we’re kind of getting to the next step, which is decide—what am I going to do with all of this?

(18:58):

What’s my next best step in light of what I’ve discovered? I’m going to choose to release the fear that I have that I’m going to be heard again. The fear that, like we were talking about with the child, the fear that this child is going to blow up their life, right? I have to surrender that to you. And as a second half of decide, I’m going to dwell. Where am I going to emotionally dwell? So important because if we don’t take that step, we’re just going to go right back to the fear and the crazy. Where am I going to dwell? I’m going to dwell in your good promise. You keep me safe. You give me a fresh start. You love me. I believe that you can redeem this. That’s what your word says. So I’m living in that. I’m living in that moving forward.

Dave (19:43):

Does that easily, not easily, but does it apply to marriage where you’re disappointed? Because I think every marriage at some point, and I mean that, every marriage at some point is disappointing. Usually it’s somewhat early because you have such high expectations and the dating and the engagement are probably wonderful. And then you get married and somewhere in the first couple, maybe six months, you’re like, “Wow, I’m not as happy as I thought.” And so there’s this sense of disappointment. And it sounds like everything you just said applies right there. And this could happen at year 10 or 22, where you’re really disappointed and you’ve lived long enough to go, “I don’t think this is really ever going to change. So this disappointment is going to be a part of my life. It’s never going to be what I thought.” What do you do with that?

Ann (20:36):

And what that disappointment can tend to do is go down the slope of hopelessness.

Alicia:

Right. Exactly.

Dave (20:42):

Yeah.

Alicia (20:43):

Or bitterness.

Dave (20:43):

So many listeners are leaning in right now like, “I’m really disappointed in my marriage.” Or I talked to a guy last week who’s got a son who’s struggling through addiction and is two months sober right now, but man, you can feel the ache in his soul because he’s battled this—the dad with his son—for maybe a decade. And so there’s this loss and hoping like, “Is this one even going to stick?” And so that he’s disappointed and he’s all the same—there’s shame, there’s worry. You’ve got chapters on all those. I think what you just said is what they need to do, right? The ADD really is a journey through any of that.

Alicia (21:26):

It is. Yeah. It’s a way to not shy away from the reality of what those feelings are because it’s normal to feel shame and fear. And is this even going to work? And I don’t know. I’m trying to cheer him on, but who knows?

(21:39):

It’s normal to feel those things. And I think in marriage when you have disappointments—because you’re right, we all struggle with that—there does come a point where God and God’s had to bring me to this point of like, so you’ve committed to this person for the rest of your life. You love this person and you do. You love them. They’re wonderful. But then there’s this little part right here, right? So are you going to let this little part grow as a weed? Are you going to let this come and grow so that it is blocking the light of all these other beautiful parts of your relationship? Because guess what, Alicia? You have control over that. You get to decide if this disappointment that is real and plausible, okay, sure, if that is going to rule your marriage. And God’s had to sit me down a few times with that.

(22:28):

So the reality of, it’s almost like you bring a glass of water into a table or something, the water’s there, it’s real, but you’re going to either let it sit there and become nasty and moldy over time, or you’re going to have to release that water.

(22:42):

So we have that individual choice. As painful, as excruciating it can be to say, “God, I am disappointed. Show me how to release this because I don’t want to live in this place anymore. I don’t want this to poison my marriage.” This little thing that has grown. And it’s so interesting. I was looking recently at the statistics on women who divorce that there’s this trend now in divorce where women are doing the initiation of the divorce.

Ann (23:13):

70%.

Dave (23:14):

You mean 70% of divorces are initiated by women?

Alicia (23:17):

Yes. And that it’s usually at this point where it’s just kind of like everything’s fine, everything’s fine, snap. So what that tells us is there’s been this buildup, this mucky water that’s been growing for years and years and years, and suddenly it’s just like, “I’m done.” Which makes sense because we all have that capacity, but I wonder if there is an earlier choice, either choice can be made at any moment, but it’s a lot easier when there’s not all the other baggage you’ve got let grow there. I wonder if we can start to say, “God, how do I deal with these real feelings so that they’re not impacting my marriage or these other things in other ways?”

Ann (24:00):

I think this is an interesting conversation too, not only about marriage, but now what this looks like with kids.

Dave (24:08):

Oh, I think you are the best.

Ann (24:10):

What?

Dave (24:11):

You are a great mom at helping our boys understand their emotions like, “Hey, so what are you feeling right now and why are you feeling that?” And that’s what we’ve been talking about all day is like acknowledging that, discerning that and deciding what to do. And so Alicia Michelle’s book is called Emotional Confidence: 3 Simple Steps to Manage Emotions with Science and Scripture, and you can get it at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes, and we’ve got one more day with her.

Ann (24:40):

See you tomorrow.

Dave (24:45):

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