Day 2: Making Big Decisions as a Team

by Ashley Mercier

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. –James 3:17

Three dates in, Chris told me, “I’m not sure I want to have kids.” Noting the panic on my face, he continued. “It’s just that there are so many kids out there that already need parents. Why not just adopt them?”

I knew in that moment I would marry him.

For the first two years of marriage, we reveled in newlywed bliss: lazy Saturdays sleeping in, lavish vacations, long talks, and mindless walks. Just before our second anniversary, we began our foster and adoption journey.

What was a vision was now becoming a reality. Were we ready? This mission (should we choose to accept it!) would lead us to:

• Surrender our private lives and time to a state agency.
• Love children who were not our own.
• Release children we loved desperately.
• Change our daily schedules to accommodate unexpected children.
• Work with parents who were addicts and felons.
• Change our entire life to love and support these precious little ones.

Thankfully, when God calls you to a mission, He doesn’t overwhelm you with the full picture. He just offers His hand and says, “Let’s walk together.” So we walked with God into foster care.

Eight hours after we opened our home, we got our first call. A newborn baby would be released from the hospital that day. Did we want to take him? I called Chris. What played out over the next hour soon became a familiar pattern. Receive a call, make a life-changing decision, rinse and repeat. Out of that pattern, emerged a few insights into how we would approach making big decisions as a team.

Here’s three things that have helped us:

Trust your mission. By becoming foster parents, our biggest decision had already happened. Within that calling, we knew we were in God’s will. Each phone call didn’t cause a crisis because we were confident we were already in sync with God. Ask God to define the calling for this season of your marriage. Then rest in knowing He will show you the next step.

Make prayer a habit. My husband started the habit of praying together early in our dating life. By the time we agreed to foster, communal prayer was comfortable and healthy. That came in handy when we’d have less than an hour (sometimes minutes) to decide if a child would enter our home and lives. If we were uncomfortable praying together (or in hearing from God), these decisions would have led to crisis and disruption. Instead, it led us to unity and peace. Seek prayer early and often in your marriage. When you have to make big decisions, this habit will be the greatest comfort.

Trust in each other’s ability to hear God. When we would receive a call to take in a child, there was no time to measure up my husband’s godliness. I had to trust Chris, and he had to trust me. This meant we assumed the other was seeking God’s will. If one of us felt a check in our spirit, we said no and refused to hold it against the other person.

When I look back at all the situations God led us into through foster care and adoption, I am overwhelmed by the enduring, empowering unity Chris and I experienced in each decision. That doesn’t mean I always got my way! Several times, my desperation to be a forever mommy peaked, and Chris’s “no’s” opposed my plans. Those moments were hard, but I learned to trust and love my husband and my God more deeply than I ever imagined.

Early on, we hoped each “yes” might be a promise of tomorrow, of adoption. Yet we learned that our yes had to be for today, for each child. We had to be willing to trust God in the unknown. And He was mightily at work. On His timeline, He was knitting our family together. Although two-and-a-half years would pass before we would meet Micah and Chloe.

Our presence on earth requires us to bring glory to God. A life given to Him almost inevitably requires some big decisions to make: some crazy yeses and even some hard noes. But because my husband and I made all of the decisions as a team, we don’t regret a single one. And you won’t either.

What’s Your Story?

1. Do you have a process for making big decisions together?
2. Do you trust each other to hear from God when you’re making a decision?
3. How can we ready ourselves for the big decisions we will face as a couple?

Pray Together:

Read James 3:17 together again. Pray that you would always approach making big decisions as a couple, rather than individuals. Ask Him to guide you in your decision making and that you you always seek His wisdom first.