Day 5: Being Accountable to Each Other

by Scott Williams

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up . . . A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. –Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12b (NASB)

To some couples, the idea of accountability seems almost as appealing as an ankle monitor does to a parolee under house arrest. But when you understand and practice it well, accountability actually brings freedom. It can loosen the shackles that keep you from being all you can be individually and as a couple.

When my wife, Ellie, and I think about how accountability has played out in our more than thirty years of marriage, we see it as a matter of protecting each other, balancing each other out, and helping each other toward maturity.

God created man and woman not to live independently of each other, but in unity. Through marriage, a husband and wife are one flesh (Genesis 1:26-27; 2:18-24). Whatever one spouse does in marriage impacts the other, for good or not so good.

Most marriages are a pairing of opposites. One spouse may be a romantic, while the other is practical. One’s a saver, the other a spender. One spouse sees travel as the way to get to the destination, while the other is all about enjoying the ride. In marriage, you balance each other out, complement and complete each other. That give and take is a part of accountability. And it’s good.

In their book Starting Your Marriage Right, FamilyLife co-founders Dennis and Barbara Rainey highlight five key areas where they’ve exercised accountability in their marriage: spiritual health, emotional and sexual fidelity, schedules, money, and parenting. Those have been some key areas for Ellie and me as well.

1. Spiritual Health. We haven’t always been consistent, but our marriage is the strongest when we encourage each other spiritually. We lovingly remind each other to spend regular private time in God’s Word, and we talk about what He’s showing us. We pray for each other and with each other, whether at meals, bedtime, or when the challenges of life leave us feeling helpless or alone.

2. Emotional and Sexual Faithfulness. Early in our marriage, Ellie and I agreed not to spend one-on-one time with anyone of the opposite sex in a non-public place. Even in public places, we opt not to spend time with someone of the opposite sex (like traveling or a dinner or lunch meeting) without another person present.

One of the best ways to be accountable in this area is to be intentional about meeting your spouse’s emotional and physical needs. Often it’s those times where we feel our needs aren’t being met at home that we become vulnerable to the attractiveness of another person.

3. Finances. Next to infidelity, financial difficulties are the second leading cause of divorce in the United States according to a study by Ramsey Solutions. That survey also found couples who describe their marriage as “great” are nearly twice as likely discuss finances than those who report their marriage as “okay” or “in crisis.”

I’m more the free-spender and Ellie’s more the budgeter in our marriage. But we have regular discussions about money, and never make anything more than a minor purchase without checking with each other first.

4. Schedules. It’s easy to overcommit, forget a family event, or make personal plans at the neglect of your spouse. Checking with each other before scheduling something protects your time as a couple and ensures you and your spouse don’t get overstretched.

5. Parenting. We’ve learned a few tricks while raising seven children to adulthood. One thing we noticed early is how children typically make a request of the parent who is most likely to give them the answer they want. This can lead to some sharp arguments. So when one of our children would come to me and ask permission for something, my response would almost always be the same: “First, let me talk to your mom.” They quickly learned Mom and Dad were on the same page.

And if we thought the other was being too soft or too harsh, we went to each other privately and gently mentioned what we observed. The words may not have always been embraced in the most gracious way initially, but the communication, mutual trust, and common goals were the necessary accountability that allowed us to grow as parents and stay on the same page as a couple.

As the passage in Proverbs alludes, a couple is stronger when their cords of purpose are interwoven together. But the couple who has a truly strong and lasting marriage is the one who braids their individual cords together with the Lord’s, because “a cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” Accountability as a couple achieves its greatest strength when the spouses are individually and jointly accountable to God’s leadership and the principles of His Word.

What’s your story?

1. Think about the above list of ways to experience accountability in your marriage. In what areas are you doing well as a couple?
2. What are some areas that either one of you (or both) could use better accountability? Talk together about how you can improve.

Pray Together:

Thank God for those areas where you are experiencing good accountability in your marriage. In areas where you can use some work, ask the Lord to give you good communication, trust, and unity.