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The Dance of Want

The difficulty of seeking the respect and acceptance of a stepchild.
By Ron L. Deal


There is a powerful and sometimes ominous dynamic at play in blended families. Desiring connection and security within family relationships is normal and expected. But when relationships are undefined and fragile, and one person wants connection with someone more than the other person(s), the dance of want can drive them a part.

Do you remember having a crush on someone but didn’t know if they were also interested in you? That was the dance of want. Even before a first conversation, individuals can find themselves anxiously wondering whether the other person shares an interest in them. Girls will ask their friends, “Do you think he likes me?” and guys will ponder, “What if I ask her out and she says ‘Get away loser!’?” No one wants to want more than they are wanted.

But even after a first—or many dates—this dynamic continues. One person may find themselves dreaming of marriage, only to become insecure wondering if the other is equally interested in life-long love. The nerves men feel before asking a woman to marry them is in part about the dance of want. “What if she says, ‘No’?” And well into marriage the dance continues as the ebb and flow of life leaves people wondering, “Why hasn’t she spoken to me as much lately?” and “Why is it that I initiate sex most of the time?”

Stepparents and children

In the early season of a blended family, stepparents typically find themselves seeking the  want, respect, and acceptance of a child.  But they are at an inherent disadvantage. For example, being parental (e.g., setting boundaries) gives the child more reason not to want them in their life and stepparents know it. This tempts stepparents to “go easy” on the child for the sake of preserving what is a fragile relationship.

Biological parents usually don’t deal with this because both parent and child have an unending devotion to one another. There’s nothing fragile about their relationship, so parents can afford to make their kids mad because they aren’t going anywhere. Stepparents, on the other hand, often feel like they’re walking on eggshells. This gives the child dramatically more power and on occasion they’ll use it to their advantage.

Family harmony

Hoping to achieve peace and harmony in the home, blended family couples obviously want the kids to accept their marriage and family. All the kids have to do to spoil the whole thing is to not want, that is, to not embrace the new family identity. This leaves adults feeling hurt, rejected, guilty, and confused, which in turn leads some adults to pile on guilt or become manipulative in order to move kids toward “want.”

Clearly, you can’t will someone to want (just ask God).

A battle for control

The dance of want sets up a battle for want. When the person who wants more closeness or bonding tries to convince the other to want more than they do, a battle of control ensues. In blended families, typically it is the adults who want more want from the kids. They entice the kids to their house with fun and games; they whine to their children about how they should appreciate the stepparent for all they do; and when kids (young or adult) express discontent about the family or a family member, they attempt to argue them into changing their feelings—and, therefore, their level of want. But the battle for want has two paradoxical outcomes parents must understand:

  • The more parents demand want from children, the less likely they are to get it.
  • The more parents demand want, the more dependent they become on the children.

This results in less parental influence and increases feelings of frustration and anger. None of this fosters family connection and bonding.

The Jesus response

On many occasions Jesus disappointed people; He didn’t seek their acceptance, approval, applause, or want. On one occasion He turned away from a gathering of people seeking healing (Mark 1:35-39). On another He told an enthusiastic would-be follower to count the cost carefully because He might not have a place to sleep if he followed (Luke 9:57-62). Jesus didn’t manipulate want from others; He didn’t “need” it. Rather, He softly invited it by leaning out over the edge of rejection with His love. Therein lies the key.

When fear makes you insecure because you’re unsure of the anothers' wants for you, lead from a position of strength. When you are tempted to manipulate, cajole, or press for want, instead boldly state your desire for the other, press through the risk of not having this reciprocated, and act accordingly. Many won’t sacrifice or give to another without first being assured of their want; these people drown in fear. But those who lead with their want (which inspires actions of mercy and grace) often find the other willing to do likewise.

Taking Action 

Find your source in God, not people:

One reason Jesus could withstand the disapproval and “un-want” of others was his relationship with the Father. What filled Him—His source—was not the approval of men, but the love of His Father. To build this “God-esteem” in your life, practice the following:

  • Embrace your identity in Christ. You are loved, forgiven, and accepted—not because of your performance in this life, but because of His grace.
  • Focus less energy on how others feel about you and instead focus on how you can love and serve them. Serving feels our self-worth; approval from others is fleeting.
  • Give yourself permission to “love yourself,” not in a selfish way, but with self-respect. “As yourself,” love others (Matt. 22:34-39).
  • Memorize and repeat daily this affirmation that can lift you up and remind you of your worth, especially when facing rejection by others: “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5 NIV)

Pastors:

Help singles, couples, and stepparents recognize the dance of want in their relationships. It isn’t a bad thing, but they must not choose to deal with their vulnerability and fear with manipulative games. Help people see their worth and value in Jesus Christ and not in the approval of others.

© 2012 by Ron L. Deal. All rights reserved. 

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Meet the Author: Ron L. Deal

Ron Deal

Ron Deal is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is founder and president of Smart Stepfamilies™ and director of FamilyLife Blended™, the ministry initiative of FamilyLife® to stepfamilies (for more visit www.RonDeal.org and www.FamilyLife.com). 

Ron is author of The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family (and DVD series), The Smart Stepdad, Dating and the Single Parent, The Smart Stepmom (with Laura Petherbridge), and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in the Blended Family (with Dr. David Olson). A highly sought-after, recognized expert in marriage and blended families, Ron is a member of the Stepfamily Expert Council for the National Stepfamily Resource Center, and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with over 25 years experience in local church ministry and family ministry consulting. He is a featured expert on the video curriculum Single and Parenting (2011, Church Initiative) and his material is widely distributed by a variety of family education initiatives

Ron served as a member of the Couple Checkup Research Team (headed by Dr. David Olson, PREPARE-ENRICH) which conducted the two largest studies of marital strength ever accomplished. They surveyed over 100,000 marriages and remarriages (over 200,000 people) and examined the qualitative differences between highly satisfied marriages and low-quality marriages. The results of their groundbreaking research for couples are published in the books The Couple Checkup (Olson, Larson, & Olson-Sigg, 2008) and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage (Deal & Olson, 2015), and are featured in Ron’s newest seminar for dating, engaged, married, and remarried couples, the Couple Checkup Conference.

Ron is a popular conference speaker and has appeared in dozens of national radio and TV broadcasts both in the U.S. and Canada. His daily 60-second radio feature, FamilyLife Blended, is heard by thousands each week around the country and online. He has appeared on Fox News, MSNBC, ABC’s Nightline, WGN-News, The Mike Huckabee Show, FamilyLife Today, Focus on the Family, HomeWord with Jim Burns, Celebration, and The 700 Club, and his work has been referenced online (e.g., ABCNews.com, Today.com), in magazines (e.g., Essence), and in newspapers throughout the world (e.g., USA Today, New York Daily News, Chicago Tribune, Atlanta Journal, and Minnesota Star Tribune). The May 2012 issue of Ladies' Home Journal featured Ron's therapy work with a blended family couple in their popular feature column “Can This Marriage Be Saved?” Ron has written feature family articles addressing a variety of family matters for a variety of publications and online magazines including Focus on the Family magazine, ParentLife, The Family Room, Gospel Today, Christianity Today, and HomeLife magazine. On a regular basis Ron trains therapists, marriage educators, and ministry professionals at conferences around the country and has spoken at the National Stepfamily Conference, and the Utah and Arkansas Governors' conferences on the family.

Ron and his wife, Nan, have three boys. Their middle son, Connor, died unexpectedly in February 2009 at the age of 12. In his memory, the Deal's have partnered with Touch a Life Foundation to rescue and rehabilitate children in Ghana, West Africa, from trafficking. They would be honored if you would help them sing Connor's song. Visit Connor's Song to learn more about this ministry and to hear Connor sing.

In addition to FamilyLife sponsored events Ron is available to present his Couple Checkup Conference or Building A Successful Stepfamily conference in your church or community. Learn more here.

 

 

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