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13 Ideas to Manage Holiday Step-Stress

The normal stress of the holidays is multiplied for stepfamilies.
By Ron L. Deal


“If you think your life is hectic during the holidays, you ought to try coordinating schedules, dinner plans, and Christmas gifts with the parents of three households—most of whom don’t care for each other very much.” 

Stepmother Sheree was trying to explain her holiday stress to her own mother, who had never experienced stepfamily life. “Everything is just more complicated, Mom. There are so many people who influence our plans and lots of adults who don’t share the same priorities. It’s like hitting a moving target.” 

The holidays are supposed to be a time when we slow down from the everyday hustle and bustle of life, spend some extra time with our children and extended family, enjoy some well-planned meals, do a little shopping, and see the latest Christmas movie. But for the average household, the holidays mean an endless to-do list that includes parties, travel to see extended family, decorating and putting up lights, attending school programs, and making purchases we can’t afford and won’t pay for until we get our tax refund next April.

In addition, Sheree knows that these normal stressors are even more challenging given the complexity of stepfamilies.

Here are some ideas that can help you manage step-stress during the holidays:

1. Plan, plan, plan. Be proactive in discussing upcoming holiday events. A lot of stress results when families fail to plan and then play catch-up with all that needs to be done. Get an early start anticipating and coordinating your schedule with other households and family members. Set a spending budget and stick to it.

2. Maintain simple rituals of connection throughout the holidays. A hectic schedule can make us forget the simple things. The small, simple behaviors that families repeat on a regular, even daily basis communicate love and keep us connected even when life’s typical schedule is disrupted. Hugs before leaving for school, a special note in a lunch box, and Friday night pizza with a family video are rituals that should be maintained if at all possible.

3. Parent 364.  It’s easy to get so caught up in the uniqueness of the holidays that we obsess in making them “perfect.” Don’t forget that what really matters most to children is what happens the other 364 days a year.

4. Give kids your permission to enjoy the other household and all their family members while away from you during the holidays. When a mother says, “I’m thrilled that you will be spending time with your dad and stepmom over Christmas; have lots of fun!” you are releasing them from guilt and worry over how you will fare during their departure.

5. Be aware of loyalty and loss. Realize that no matter how long it’s been since a divorce or marriage, children struggle with feelings of loss. Being with mom means not being with dad. Being with dad means cutting short time with a favorite aunt on mom’s side of the family. Or if a parent is deceased, family traditions don’t feel the same without that person’s presence.

Be sensitive to children’s losses and realize that mixed reactions are common. For example, children may show excitement and sadness within just a short period of time. Don’t punish them for sadness; listen, hug, and provide a little extra TLC to help them through.

6. Honor traditions. Maintaining old traditions can be more difficult given the shifting presence of family members. Keep the ones you can and look for ways to establish new traditions if new family members are present.

7. Do what you can and accept what you cannot change. By working on your co-parenting relationship throughout the year, your chances of respectful negotiation will improve during the holidays. But realize that ultimately you cannot control the other household and you may have to grin and bear it. When stuck in awkward or difficult situations, appeal to difficult family members with "for your son’s sake, let's try to put our differences aside and resolve this matter." Hopefully this will be motivation enough. In the end, put what you cannot change at God's feet and go on.

8. Part-time biological parents should try to spend some exclusive time with their children. While everyone tries to get in a little more family time during the holidays, part-time parents especially should take advantage of opportunities to spend special one-on-one time with their children.

9. Be flexible and make sacrifices. You cannot make everyone happy all the time. Accepting this truth immediately takes away the pressure to give everyone what they want. Being flexible may mean modifying an old tradition to bring an “outsider” (i.e., stepfamily member) in.  For example, perhaps you will need to open gifts a day before or after Christmas in order to ease between-home transitions for children.

One stepfather found himself disappointed year after year because his stepson had to be rushed off to his father's house in the middle of Christmas day. He was never able to fully enjoy the day with his wife and stepson because everyone was watching the clock. Eventually he and his wife proposed a change to her ex, who, as it turned out, was also discouraged each Christmas and was open to changing the visitation agreement. They settled on an alternating arrangement that gave each home an undisturbed Christmas holiday while the other home had an undisturbed Thanksgiving holiday.

10. Let priorities save the day.  You can’t do it all so don’t sweat the small stuff. Ask yourself what really matters and plan your schedule accordingly. What should matter?  Might we suggest that opportunities to spend time with your children and extended family, activities that reinforce spiritual truths, and honoring traditions should be at the top of the list.

11. Embrace your “expanded family.” You may not have chosen all the members of your multiple-household family, but choosing to welcome, embrace, and love them is a gift to everyone—especially yourself.

12. Discuss titles for family members. New stepfamilies especially should discuss with the children how they will address other people. Find terms (like “step-uncle”) that feel appropriate to children and will be respectful to adults.

13. Gift-giving tips:

  • Stepparents and stepchildren should be encouraged to give cards and gifts to one another that feel appropriate to their relationship.
  • Expect stepgrandparents to be equitable in giving gifts to grandchildren and stepgrandchildren.
  • To avoid duplication, children can give a different wish list to each biological parent.
  • Do not buy a gift together with the ex-spouse. It sets up false expectations for the children and is not healthy for the remarriage.
  • Do not compete with your ex-spouse by trying to buy a "better" gift or spend more money

Taking action

For pastors:

1. When presenting holiday-related sermons/classes remember the added dynamics of multi-home families. Don’t make the assumption that Thanksgiving and Christmas family activities are the same for everyone attending your congregation. For example, many single parents and stepcouples are without children on special days. Encourage your congregation to be an extended family to people in these situations.

2. During the stress-filled holidays, stepparents may feel “moved to the outside” and children may show their stress through increased oppositional attitudes. So remind stepfamily classes or small groups to offer extra support to one another.

3. Encourage stepfamilies to plan early for the holidays and maintain a flexible attitude.

 

Copyright © 2008 by Ron L. Deal. All rights reserved.



Meet the Author: Ron L. Deal

Ron Deal

Ron is a marriage and family author, conference speaker, and therapist. He is Founder and President of As For Me And My House Ministries, LLC (www.RonDeal.org) and now serves as director of FamilyLife Blended.

Ron is author of The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family (and DVD series), The Smart Stepmom (coauthored with Laura Petherbridge)The Smart Stepfamily Marriage (coauthored with Dr. David Olson), and The Smart Stepdad. His latest book is Dating and the Single Parent. A recognized expert in marriage and blended families, Ron is a member of the Stepfamily Expert Council for the National Stepfamily Resource Center, and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor with nearly 25 years experience in local church ministry and family ministry consulting. He is a featured expert on the video curriculum Single and Parenting (2011, Church Initiative).

Ron served as a member of the Couple Checkup Research Team (headed by Dr. David Olson, PREPARE-ENRICH) which conducted the two largest studies of marital strength ever accomplished. They surveyed over 100,000 marriages and remarriages (over 200,000 people) and examined the qualitative differences between highly satisfied marriages and low-quality marriages. The results of their groundbreaking research for couples are published in the books The Couple Checkup (Olson, Larson, & Olson-Sigg, 2008) and The Remarriage Checkup (Deal & Olson, 2010), and are featured in Ron’s newest seminar for dating, engaged, married, and remarried couples the Couple Checkup Conference

Ron is a popular conference speaker and has appeared in dozens of national radio and TV broadcasts both in the US and Canada. He has appeared on Fox News, MSNBC, ABC Nightline, WGN-News, The Mike Huckabee Show, FamilyLife Today, Focus on the Family, HomeWord with Jim Burns, Celebration, and The 700 Club, and his work has been referenced online (e.g., ABC News.com) and in newspapers throughout the world (e.g., New York Daily News). The May 2012 issue of Ladies' Home Journal featured Ron's therapy work with a blended family couple in their popular feature column Can This Marriage Be Saved? Ron has written feature family articles addressing a variety of family matters for a number of publications and online magazines including Focus on the Family magazine, ParentLife, The Family Room, and Christianity Today. He also writes a monthly feature article in HomeLife magazine and is an expert “Love Guru” for Love Is.com. On a regular basis Ron trains therapists, marriage educators, and ministry professionals at conferences around the country and has spoken at the National Stepfamily Conference, and the Utah and Arkansas Governors' conferences on the family.

Ron Deal is husband to Nan (since 1986) and proud father of Braden, Connor, and Brennan. Their middle son, Connor, died unexpectedly in February 2009 at the age of 12. In his memory, the Deal's have partnered with Touch a Life Foundation to rescue children in Ghana, West Africa from slave trafficking. They would be honored if you help them sing Connor's song. Visit Connor's Song to learn more about this ministry and hear Connor sing.

In addition to FamilyLife sponsored events Ron is available to present his Couple Checkup Conference or Building A Successful Stepfamily conference in your church or community. To host a seminar, contact him at 1-800-FL-Today (358-6329).

 

 

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