Do you ever feel like you have no time left for romance?
When are you supposed to enjoy sexy activities with your spouse—like surprising him with a lunch rendezvous, bubble baths, and rose petal trails to the bedroom? Even if you’ve never experienced these situations together, you’ve always wondered if you should have.
You’re busy with your kids, with the demands of your job. It feels like romance pretty much goes by the wayside.
And yet … perhaps we’re defining romantic and sexy encounters all wrong. Maybe cooking dinner together naked in a candle-lit kitchen isn’t on the menu this week, but it’s likely you still have a lot of regular romance going on in your home.
When you get stuck thinking romance is all roses and bubble baths, it starts feeling like something you’ll never achieve. You start believing it’s not even worth the effort. But when you remember that romance really is simply doing something special or unexpected for someone you love, even though you don’t have to, then we can make every day sexy.
Unexpected romance
Like last week, when you wrestled your rambunctious, happy child to bed and then set out your work clothes for tomorrow’s business meeting. Somehow, only a few hours later, out of nowhere, your child cried for you from a puddle of midnight vomit. While you sat in the dark pressing tired lips against a hot forehead, jamming the thermometer under her armpit, your husband quietly changed the soiled sheets. He brought several tattered beach towels to sop up the floor. He set two cups of water beside you, one for the patient, one for the caregiver.
What a romantic! You gave a quiet nod and tired smile to thank him.
Or what about when your husband recently worked a grueling overnight shift, arriving home way past schedule around lunchtime. You didn’t mutter a word about his long hours as he greeted you in the kitchen. But instead of only making one turkey sandwich, you pulled out two more slices of wheat bread. You spread mustard and mayonnaise together on his because you know that’s how he likes it. And you carried an extra paper plate of lunch with you to offer him at the table. How romantic!
Sometimes those intentional acts, those times when you just look for ways to help each other and bless each other, are far more romantic and sexy than you realize.
Here are 25 Valentine’s Day Ideas to spark everyday romance in your home:
1. Set her coffee cup next to the coffee maker in the morning before she is out of bed.
2 Send texts to let each other know you’re headed home from work.
3. Kiss each other goodbye every morning.
4. Buy the snacks he likes when you grocery shop.
5. Remember her coworkers’ names.
6. Give her a night off from helping the kids with homework. You huddle around the table for the spelling words and multiplication facts instead.
7. Tell him how much the kids enjoy being with him.
8. On a day off work, instead of sticking to your typical exercise routine, arrange it so you can work out together.
9. Watch the game with him. Try cheering for his team.
10. Ask him about his day.
11. Put your arm around her in church. Don’t let the kids sit between you.
12. Pray together. Pray out loud for each other.
13. Recall past memories together.
14. Cook his favorite dinner. Tell him you made it because you know he likes it.
15. Recognize your spouse for paying all the bills on time every single month.
16. When you come home from work, embrace each other. Squeeze tightly for longer than just a quick second.
17. Be the one who offers to turn out the lights tonight.
18. Text her that you’re thinking of her.
19. Reach over and hold his hand.
20. Compliment her for your favorite physical feature. Then also compliment her heart.
21. Help her clean the house.
22. Thank him for rolling the garbage can to the curb.
23. Split your dessert with her.
24. Talk to your in-laws instead of looking at your phone, during the next family gathering.
25. Let your spouse help you with something.
Romance doesn’t have to be hard or even well planned. All it takes is a thoughtful, intentional moment as you go about your regular day. Those daily displays of love really are the sexiest after all.
With Valentine’s Day approaching, if you feel up to adding a little extra spice to the daily routine, we have some no-fail Valentine’s Day ideas in our free printable collection. You’ll find tips for writing a love letter, conversation starters, love coupons, and a checklist to help make every day sexy.
“Happy Mother’s Day!” I remember hearing at a church I attended a while back, far before I was a mother.
Walking into the service with my husband, the greeters passed out a flower to every woman and wished her a happy Mother’s Day. Little did they know, I was struggling with infertility, and it was a moment full of complex emotions. I strongly desired to have a child, but at that time I couldn’t.
Even when I finally got pregnant after a six-year journey with infertility—that Mother’s Day with my son still in my womb—I remember asking myself, Am I a mother yet? Is this my first Mother’s Day? Or do I have to wait until my son is born for me to be considered his mother?
Eventually, I resolved that I was a mother that day, even though my son was still yet to be born. So that year, I took the greeting gladly, especially with the difficult journey it took to get there.
The complexity of Mother’s Day
A few years before becoming pregnant with my son, my own mother passed away. So for years, Mother’s Day was a constant reminder that she was no longer with us.
Some mothers may feel inadequate in their motherhood; others may be enduring postpartum struggles. For others still, the day can be a triggering reminder of something painful—struggles with infertility, illness, or the loss of a parent. The difficulty can be rooted in a broken or struggling relationship. In some instances, a mother may be grieving the loss of their child, struggles in their parenting relationship, or even mourning a miscarriage.
Complex emotions abound on this day for so many and for various reasons beyond what I have even mentioned. So, what can be done?
In addition to celebrating the motherly figures in our lives, consider those who may also be experiencing something painful on Mother’s Day. Whether it’s giving a call of encouragement, sending a card, or meeting together, let the person experiencing difficult emotions know they are seen and heard. If they desire to talk or express their emotions, be willing to be present. The gift of your presence is sometimes best during hard times. Prayer, encouragement from the Word, and your thoughtfulness can offer comfort to someone hurting during that day.
The God of all comfort
One verse that particularly speaks to me is 2 Corinthians 1:3-5: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”
Who can you share comfort with this Mother’s Day? Keep your eyes and ears open and allow God to speak to your heart about who you can bless in that way.
And if you are the one hurting on Mother’s Day, just know that, even if it feels like no one else sees you, God does. He intimately knows you and your pain, and He loves you. As we’re reminded in Psalm 147:3, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
This Mother’s Day, let’s show Christlike love to people, wherever they may find themselves within the complex emotions surrounding this holiday.
Chinyere Enemchukwu serves as a cross-cultural trainer on staff with FamilyLife. She enjoys learning and teaching how to communicate the good news of the gospel within various social and cultural contexts. Chinyere is married to her husband and best friend, Nduka Enemchukwu, and together they are proud parents to their young son. They reside in Orlando, Florida.
“We need to see you at the hospital right away.”
I’ll never forget the feeling in my body when I heard those words. Our daughter, at just five weeks old, was diagnosed with a rare genetic syndrome.
We were handed a stapled stack of papers describing a seemingly unending list of complexities: heart, brain, and kidney defects; the inability to eat orally and swallow; vision impairment; cognitive delays; inability to walk or talk; scoliosis; drug-resistant epilepsy.
And we’ve been drastically impacted by every one of these diagnoses. But also, we have fallen in love with a person.
The smile and presence of our daughter, Avonlea, offer sunlight to any room. She brings peace to any arms lucky enough to hold her. She speaks love without being able to say a word.
Even though one in four people live with a disability, before Avonlea, I had surprisingly little experience with that community. I had no idea I was missing out on truly seeing the largest minority group in the world.
Avonlea has granted me peripheral vision for people and families often marginalized in our society and even in our churches. More than that, I have come to see the Bible’s understanding of disability as great news.
The more we witness the intrinsic value in all people, regardless of what they can do, the more freely we can rest in the hope of the gospel and the interdependence of God’s people.
Disability speaks great news to all of us in at least six ways.
1. Disability is not shameful or a punishment.
In John 9, Jesus walks by a blind man. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him” (verses 2-3, emphasis mine).
Jesus is stunningly clear. Disability is not caused by anyone’s direct sin. It is not a punishment or anything to be ashamed of.
Christianity traces every flaw on the planet—including genetic mutations, accidents, colds, broken legs, learning disorders, addictions—to the first rebellion in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:16-24, Romans 8:20-22).
The bodies of every human are always moving toward decay and death. Even Jesus was subjected to the curse of death. His body had limitations. It bled, broke, and died.
Simultaneously, Genesis 3 remains why the disabled are painfully ostracized and treated unfairly. Human rebellion against God is why there is societal sin in our world—collective sin that makes disability more difficult. We value money. Convenience. Return on investment. Achievement. Intellect. Athletic ability. Personal contribution. Similarity. Beauty. Pride. Self-sufficiency.
To many of the disabled, disability feels normal. It’s society’s inaccessibility, inequalities, and disconnection that often make disability seem unbearable.
But no person is more broken than another. Some may need more accommodations to access things made in this world or more medical intervention to live. But though the body or mind may be limited, the soul is not.
All people fall short of God’s perfection (Romans 3:23) and are needy for His restoration. All have equal need for Jesus to heal their souls from what separates us from God.
2. God is sovereign over disability.
In Exodus 4, Moses objects to God, “‘Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.’ Then the LORD said to him, ‘Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?’” (verses 10-11).
Psalm 139 confirms this: “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (verses 13-14).
This is the rope of truth I’ve white-knuckled during much of life: No part of our lives exists that God has not orchestrated.
When my daughter’s long list of diagnoses overwhelms me, verse after verse reminds me not one thing passes through His loving, compassionate hands without His permission. Like the sea and land and snow and creatures for which God establishes “gates” and “paths” in Job (14:5, 38:4-6, 9-11, 22-33), Avonlea’s blindness, seizures, and low muscle tone have all been allowed by His boundaries. He said “yes” to all of it.
And not because He likes seeing people suffer. In fact, the Bible says He collects every one of our tears and feels deeply with us in suffering (Psalm 34:18, 56:8, 147:3, Isaiah 57:15, 61:1-2, Lamentations 3:31-33). Whether disability occurred through birth, accident, or illness, God has ordained that, too, as well as its exact purpose.
From Joseph to John the Baptist to Jesus, the Bible holds story after story where God leverages painful circumstances for far greater good (Genesis 50:20).
3. God has great plans through disability. (Not despite it.)
In each uniquely crafted experience of human disability, God prepares paths for His beauty. Paul states, “We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10).
Those paths include those who can’t talk, read, or eat. In fact, Jesus makes it clear He does not need the most influential, competent, or intelligent to glorify Him: “Now when [members of the council] saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus” (Acts 4:13).
Pay attention to who Jesus spends His time with. It includes the ostracized, the children, the untouchable. This lifts my heart as it scrambles and sweats in a world telling me I need more education, money, status, and talent to be valuable: “For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth.But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong” (1 Corinthians 1:26-27).
God’s currency for what is valuable stands in direct contrast to our world’s.
4. God can restore wholeness without physical healing.
Disabled friends have told me many have approached them telling them if they just had more faith they would be healed—or like Job’s friends suggested, that they must have some unconfessed sin preventing physical healing. Surely, God must be withholding from them.
These are some of religion’s damaging, unbiblical lies.
Second Samuel 9 tells of Jonathan’s son, Mephibosheth, who was paralyzed as a child and lived ostracized outside of the city walls. Because of King David’s loving kindness and loyalty to a promise he had made to Jonathan, he invited Mephibosheth to the palace to be part of David’s royal family.
Mephibosheth’s community, honor, and position were restored, yet his disability wasn’t erased. It’s a beautiful Old Testament story pointing to David’s descendant, Jesus, and His future kingdom, which is about so much more than physical healing. It’s a story about being accepted into God’s family—by no merit of our own.
Jesus often healed bodies. He still can and does heal them today. Yet all those Jesus healed, even Lazarus, eventually died. Healing their physical bodies was never His ultimate goal. In fact, when men lowered their disabled friend through a roof, Jesus’ healing was first and foremost of the man’s heart: “And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven’” (Mark 2:5).
Jesus’ temporary, bodily healing showed He was God, brought glory to Himself, restored people into community, and displayed His value for the marginalized who were often left out of places of honor and connection.
When Jesus’ own resurrected body was seen by hundreds, it still bore wounds of his death (John 20:27)! To be made whole, he did not have to be physically whole.
In our Western world, where we almost always expect to be healed with our astonishing medical advances, God might be more glorified in how He sustains us than how He heals us.
5. Suffering in this world is expected—and it’s a gift.
Our culture avoids suffering at all costs. The “blessed” life is perceived as one with abundance of money, health, success, and the picture-perfect family. Yet if you were to place a star by every verse on suffering, your Bible would be covered. Jesus’ own mother was considered favored by God (Luke 1:28, 48), yet would also be “pierced” by multiple tragedies (2:35).
A happy and whole life on Earth is not one without suffering.
6. The Church misses out if all are not included.
I often thought of Scriptures about the “body of Christ” in relation to myself and my church: Some of us will be good at hospitality, some at teaching. But had I ever considered how these verses include the boy scavenging in the slums of India? The illiterate woman harvesting a field in Africa? My daughter, who may never speak or walk?
And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? …But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. … there are many parts, yet one body.
The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you” … On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable…(1 Corinthians 12:16-22, emphasis added)
The body of Christ is beautifully diverse—not just in talents and ethnicity, but in cognitive ability, physical ability, and sensory input. And even those seemingly weaker are simply indispensable (i.e. absolutely necessary).
Historically, religious people have caused deep hurt to the disabled and their families and have done little to show the disabled are “indispensable” for the church to be complete. We may have wheelchair ramps for someone to roll through the door, but are we making spaces for all people to thrive, serve, and lead, for all people to truly belong?
In other words, disability may not be tragic. But how the church responds could be.
“Disability is a normal occurrence in our abnormal world.”* Whether by accident, aging, or illness, most people will become disabled in life. This is why the gospel is good news to all of us living in a world with disability. The gospel says we are loved, valued, and belong because of the loving kindness of our God, not because of what we can contribute.
Let’s have eyes to value what Jesus values. Let’s be transformed by the good news of the gospel and let that spill over and transform our communities so that all people, no matter their ability, feel absolutely necessary.
Jessica Etheridge has worked in ministry with Cru for the last 15 years, first on campus with college students at the University of Illinois and now with FamilyLife where she invests in families impacted by disability in her community. She and her husband, Alex, have three kids (Rhodes, Forrester, and Avonlea). Her biggest passion is that all people will have access to Jesus no matter their abilities.
For some, it’s social media or checking your fantasy football team; for others, it’s being in the pit of binge watching your favorite show or online shopping. Do you want to learn how to minimize digital distractions in your marriage?
I’ll be the first to admit, I sleep with my phone next to me every night, and there are mornings where I wake up and immediately look at texts, Instagram, and my email. In today’s digital age, there are endless opportunities for screens to distract us. How can you identify if screens are distracting you from growing in your marriage?
Do you struggle with digital distractions?
Is it sleeping next to your phone? Watching TV at night to “wind” down? Most of our time is spent in front of a screen instead of being in front of real people—most importantly, our spouses—who are looking to us for connection.
Answer yes or no to the questions below to help identify if digital distractions are having a significant impact on your marriage:
Do you fall asleep looking at your phone every night?
Do you and your spouse have uninterrupted time together for a few minutes every evening?
Do you spend more hours on social media than you actually want to?
I get it, it’s fun and addicting. The pings, the colors, the videos, the music, etc. But our screens are sometimes the culprit of creating too much space between us and our in-person, human relationships. You’re not stuck in this place of digital distractions; keep reading.
I’m digitally distracted, what do I do now?
In his book The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, pastor and author John Mark Comer discusses the idea of putting your phone to bed. He writes, “Parent your phone: put it to bed before you and make it sleep in.“ Another way to help create more connection and conversation with your spouse is putting your phone in another room and using an “old fashioned” alarm clock.
This idea of putting your phone to bed allows for time and space with your spouse to catch up on your day or just cuddle together before you go to sleep.
Here are a few more ways to limit digital distractions in your marriage.
1. Set social media limits.
When social media limits are set on our phones, we may be more apt to limit our digital use because we see how often we are ignoring the limits we’ve set. It helps highlight just how addicted we are to digital distractions.
2. End your evening with uninterrupted time with your spouse.
When you think about time with your spouse, do you picture laying on the couch watching a movie together, or drinking tea and catching up on your day? For my husband and me, we often fall victim to laying on the couch staring at our phones at the end of a long day.
3. If needed, delete social media and streaming apps from your phone.
Oftentimes, when we don’t have apps on our phones, we tend to not think about them or reach for them mindlessly anymore.
There have been multiple times since having a smartphone where I’ve gone on a hiatus from social media. I’ve deleted Instagram and/or Facebook from my phone for a week and it’s been one of the most therapeutic exercises for both my individual relationship with God and my marriage.
What if your spouse struggles with digital distractions?
Perry and I have had conversations like this before, when one or both of us feel more connected to our screens than one another. Once we talk about it, the result is often more time together, which always leads to laughing and feeling connected as a couple.
Before pointing fingers at your spouse, where they might not be as receptive to your criticism, practice humility. Be the first to admit that phones and screens can be addictive.
Once (hopefully) the conversation is opened humbly, mention how you’d love more uninterrupted time together in the evenings. It could be sitting and talking, going on a walk, etc. Make them feel loved and desired. Chances are, they will want more undistracted time with you as well.
Questions to process together:
How do you feel when I’m on my phone and we are together?
Are there any boundaries we can set on digital distractions so we feel more connected?
Do we want to establish weekly rhythms with our technology, so we can be fully present together?
Want more on this topic? Check out these resources:
Brooke Wilson is a content writer and editor for FamilyLife at Cru’s World Headquarters in Orlando. She is newly married to her husband, Perry, and they have a Chocolate Labrador named Willow. Originally from Syracuse, New York, Brooke moved to Florida to pursue writing and editing content full time. A few of her favorite things are photography, running, and sipping a warm chai latte across from a friend.
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Editor’s note: Derwin and Vicki Gray are contributors to FamilyLife’s all-new Art of Marriage™ . Want to know more? Check out ArtofMarriage.com.
Since I (Derwin) was 13, football has been one of the most important things in my life. At that age, I decided football was going to provide a way out of my living situation and provide a better life for me. I dedicated years of my life to the sport, and it paid off with being drafted by the Indianapolis Colts in 1993, playing six years professionally.
I learned a lot from my NFL days, and I even became a Christian thanks to one of my Colts teammates who shared Jesus with me. My life was changed for the better in many ways by football and the NFL. But one thing the NFL didn’t teach me was about sex. More specifically, what “sexy” means to my wife, Vicki.
Coming out of college, I was a well-chiseled machine. I was 5 feet, 11 inches and weighed a lean 200 pounds. Did I say I was lean? I had those coveted washboard abs all men desire. Forget a six pack, I had an eight pack. I was the epitome of “sexy,” right?
Even if I wasn’t an NFL player, our situation and perspective on things when it comes to being sexy, attractive, and intimate with our spouses is similar to a lot of couples. In those early years of marriage, we love everything about each other, especially our bodies. Many of us are probably in the best physical shape of our lives, and this physical attraction is typically the first point of attraction.
I thought my lean, mean, football-playing body was the reason Vicki found me sexy. I was shocked when I learned that wasn’t the biggest reason she was attracted to me or what led to physical intimacy. To her, one of the sexiest things I could do was wash the dishes. Yes, the dishes. I learned it was sexy to do the laundry. I learned it was sexy to vacuum. Chasing down a 200-pound man running 40 yards in less than five seconds takes a lot more effort than doing the dishes, the laundry, or vacuuming. But those things mean so much more to my wife. That was a revelation!
After I learned that, I began celebrating things like vacuuming and making it known to Vicki. “I’m vacuuming baby, what’s up?”
Seriously, I learned physical intimacy doesn’t only have to do with the physical aspect of things. It’s her seeing and feeling, “Oh, you care about me and the things that I care about. You’re partnering with me. You are doing things that take a load off of me.” It’s also learning how to love her, how to encourage her, how to be with her.
Touching the heart
Let me (Vicki) chime in here. This is extremely important in year one, but probably more important in the later years of your marriage. We are 30 years in. Our bodies are not in the same physical condition, and Derwin can no longer chase down a grown man running a 4.5-second, 40-yard dash. There are more flabs than abs. Things have changed. We have changed, and love calls us to change with our spouses.
I find amazing beauty in that. This is the reason it’s so important to touch the heart before attempting to take off the clothes. This applies to year one in marriage, as well as year 30. And that’s actually part of the fun in marriage. This gives you more opportunities to let your love grow deeper in more areas—beyond physicality. In these later years of marriage, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy are much more important. And you truly become one in Christ.
And let me tell you something. It gets better at every single level, but what makes it better is a Christ-centered focus and the Holy Spirit’s presence. What a great place to be in your marriage! And as my husband said, it’s something you won’t learn from the NFL or whatever your focus is. But it is something that will last a lifetime and create an intimate, loving marriage.
Discuss the “whys” behind what you shared in the above questions.
Follow up with a short prayer. Thank God for making you both “fearfully and wonderfully” made. Thank Him for creating levels of intimacy that aren’t limited to just the physical. Ask for His help in learning the ways you can love your spouse better and in seeing all the wonderful ways He created them. Ask that your marriage would be an act of worship and give Him glory.
Derwin and Vicki Gray have been married over 30 years and have two adult children. In 2010, they founded Transformation Church (TC), a multiethnic, multigenerational, mission-shaped church near Charlotte, NC. A former NFL player, Derwin received his doctorate at Northern Seminary, and he is the author of several books, including the bestseller, How to Heal Our Racial Divide. Vicki is currently in graduate school at Wheaton College, pursuing an MA in Ministry Leadership.
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Ever found yourself smack dab in the middle of a frustrating moment with your spouse, wondering, Do I have a healthy marriage?
You’re not alone. We’ve all felt that way at some point. Wait ‘til you read a few lines down about how baking flour (of all things) caused major frustration between my wife and me.
On the other hand, just this past year, a buddy and I were sharing how beautiful life is with our wives. I mean, it’s awesome! But we both would also agree marriage is like an exciting roller coaster. It’s the best ride we’ve ever been on, but when we feel like we’re hanging upside down and gripping our seatbelt for dear life, we wonder … Is this normal? Is this healthy?
During our first year of marriage, Olivia and I lived in an old Kentucky house with classic creaky floors. No matter where you stepped, it was a gamble if the floor would sound back at you. But we liked that house. We loved being together in it even more.
Olivia and I laugh about it now, but I remember one day I opened the fridge and saw a bag of newly purchased flour. I thought, That doesn’t go there. One of us must’ve been busy or sidetracked. I took it out and put it in the pantry where I thought it rightfully belonged.
I rushed to share what I thought would be a funny moment with Olivia. But to my surprise, she mentioned she put it in the fridge on purpose. Immaturely, I thought, Why on earth would you do that? Flour doesn’t go in the fridge. I’ve never seen it done that way. But all I said was, “Hmph.” That, and my confused and slightly corrective face, said enough to make Olivia feel belittled and get our marriage floor squeaking in disagreement.
A conversation about flour quickly morphed into how we’d been raised differently and how we felt at odds on various household responsibilities from dinner to our dogs. That escalated to my way versus her way, spiraling into reports of other frustrations we’d recently gone through.
At that point, it was no longer about flour. It was a showdown of competing perspectives.
This kind of thing happens quite a bit, not only for us, but for many marriages. Many couples we’d hang out with while engaged would say, “Yeah, our first year was so hard … we got into so many arguments. In fact, we still do.”
Whether it’s the first year, the fifth year, or the 15th year, no one is immune to frustrations in marriage. Unfortunately, when the frustrations add up, it’s normal to feel like we’re drifting apart from our spouses.
But what if God doesn’t want it to be normal? Difficulties weren’t part of His original design. But now, because of sin, conflict is inevitable (see Genesis 3).
And I’ve got to admit, when Olivia and I found ourselves in arguments about flour, we were definitely wondering if stuff like this was normal. In a healthy marriage, does a couple get frustrated over things like flour?
What is normal?
I gotta go straight to the dictionary to share what Webster says about the word normal:
Normal is characterized by that which is considered usual, typical, or routine (see Webster’s dictionary).
When I think of something being normal, I think of whatever is usual. What is the thing that always happens?
For example, it seems like I’m always losing a sock to our washer or dryer. That’s what usually happens. So in that case, I’d say losing a sock while doing laundry is normal. But, that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. That doesn’t mean losing my sock while doing the laundry is the goal. The goal of doing my laundry is for my laundry to get clean.
In much the same way, it’s common for couples to find themselves bickering, having major conflict, and drifting apart in our world today. It’s been an inherited normal for every marriage since the first marriage (Adam and Eve) turned away from God. Even so, we can’t say drifting apart from our spouse is the goal we had in mind when we got married.
Whether its arguments over roles, chores, or even flour, what we consider normal for marriage may look differently depending on how we see marriages around us functioning.
Although the drift that occurs between spouses is a common and “normal” experience, it doesn’t mean that’s the goal for a healthy marriage.
Check out what Webster said about the word health:
Health is the condition of being sound in body, mind, or spirit.
At my recent doctor’s visit, all my doctor really wanted to know was if all parts of my body were functioning like they were meant to function. That’s what determines the state of my health.
Consider the same concept as it pertains to marriage. Are all the parts of your marriage functioning like they were intended to function? That’s what determines the state of our marriage health.
Considering the definition of health I shared, we’ve got to figure out how marriage was intended to function.
To do that, you and I have to go to the One that designed the structure of marriage. After looking at God’s framework for marriage and how He intended it to function, then we can ask ourselves the big question: Do I have a healthy marriage?
When I look through the Bible on how God intended marriage to function, here are a few of the Scriptures I keep in my mental pocket:
Genesis 2:24 shows us the unity and commitment in marriage.
Ephesians 5:22-27 highlight mutual respect and roles within marriage.
I’ll be honest, reading these scriptures reminded me how I definitely fall short as a husband. And don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but I don’t always get it right.
I don’t always make decisions that align with loving Olivia like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).
I’m not always patient like Jesus (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
I don’t always walk in unity with her (Genesis 2:24).
These verses remind me that she and I are in the direct line of impact from each other’s imperfection. That’s what typically sparks the fire for many of us. And because we’re all imperfect, do marriages even have a chance at being healthy?
I think about it this way. Do healthy people exist? Sure they do. But, more often than not, they have health-care specialists in their lives who they regularly consult to maintain their well-being and address any potential issues that may arise.
Jesus is the health-care specialist for our marriage.
Jesus has to lead for a healthy marriage
My doctor told me that if I wanted to meet some of my fitness goals, I had to look at sugar differently. I had to let him lead and see my diet from his perspective so I could eat in a way that would be beneficial for my health goals.
With the goal of having a healthy marriage, Jesus is our marriage physician. He’s asking to lead us each day so we can see marriage differently—from His perspective—and live relationally with our spouses the way God designed.
Look, I’m listening to my doctor about the sugar. But I want to share a few ways Olivia and I are both deciding to listen to Jesus about our marriage moments. I just pulled a few, but there are so many more:
Communicate: We’re reminded to speak to each other openly and honestly in compassion as we read in Ephesians 4:29.
Find community: We’ve been thankful to find a new church home after recently moving. This is important because godly kindness, guidance, and support are things we all need to give and receive. (Proverbs 11:14; Hebrews 10:24-25)
Love well: Olivia and I put 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 up on our wall as a reminder for us of what true love is so we actually remember to be patient and kind even when we get frustrated.
God designed marriage to be a reflection of Him, and the only way to be healthy is through the guidance Jesus provides. Just like we go to the dictionary to define terms, we need to go to the Bible to define marriage. As we seek God’s guidance for our marriage throughout the Bible, we can navigate the challenges and joys of married life in a healthy way.
Olivia and I have had many wild ups and downs. But we’ve learned it’s not the absence of problems that define a healthy marriage, but how we handle them. When we let God be in control of our responses, we can throw our hands in the air and enjoy the ride.
Ashford Sonii is a writer for FamilyLife. He enjoys ministry, learning, and communicating practical life applications of God’s Word within marriage, family, and how to walk with Jesus. Ashford and his wife, Olivia, currently live in North Carolina with their twin girls, Ivey and Oakley.
What Is God’s Purpose Behind Discipleship?
My family was gathered in front of the TV, but no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get the online church service to play. The more I messed with the settings, the more my family’s attention span waned. My son was fidgeting. My wife was yawning. If I didn’t figure it out soon, I was going to lose everyone’s attention for good.
In a flash of inspiration, I decided to see if our old church offered services online. They did! I was glad so many churches now had a virtual church option, but as we lounged on the living room couch watching the service, I started to wonder if it had all become too convenient.
Why you prefer online church services
Sunday mornings used to be difficult. No matter how hard we tried to get out on time, everything in life seemed stacked against us. The minute we’d have to leave, one of our kids would inevitably misplace a shoe, my wallet would disappear, or someone would suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Lionel Richie might be able to sing, “Easy Like Sunday Morning,” but we never could.
Can you relate? Here are a few reasons online church services seem so much easier and just what we might be missing out on when we skip being there in person.
1. It’s convenient.
When the weather is bad, the kids are sick, we’re traveling, or we’ve stayed up all night working on a project, the convenience of an online church can be an amazing thing. It can allow us to reconnect with God, worship, and be convicted by His Word in a way we might not otherwise get. But the Christian life is ultimately not one of convenience.
Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24). Jesus didn’t call His followers to simply listen to His teachings in the comfort of their homes. He called them to action. Following Jesus was a dangerous decision. Many would lose family, jobs, and even their lives. In some places in the world today, following Jesus is equally dangerous. Yet there we were, lounging on the couch in our pajamas. It made me wonder if we were missing the whole point.
2. We can get more done.
I suggested we do virtual church that Sunday because I had a lot to do that weekend. I had a room I needed to paint, and I thought if I could start painting early, I might get it done before Monday. But as I painted, I kept remembering the fourth commandment: “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy” (Exodus 20:8).
There’s nothing evil about painting, I argued with myself. Besides, going to church online was certainly better than not going at all. While that might be true, I conveniently forgot the rest of the commandment, “Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work” (Exodus 20:9-10).
I was honoring the Sabbath with one hand and dishonoring it with the other. By treating Sunday as just another day to get things done, I was missing out on the gift of sabbath rest God had for me. I was also perpetuating an unsustainable rhythm of busyness that could hurt my family down the road.
I attended the church’s virtual men’s group online for months. I met a lot of interesting guys. In many ways, it felt like there was community. Yet, no matter how great the conversations might have been, the relationships always stayed two-dimensional. When the call ended, so did the connection. The relationships never developed to the point where we shared real life with each other. Ironically, being too tired to go to where God’s people are means our tiredness increases. Doing life alone is exhausting.
Several years ago, I told the guys at my in-person men’s group about a termite problem I had been dealing with. The next Saturday, a team of men showed up with tools and lumber to help me repair the damage. A project which would have taken me weeks to do alone was completed in a few hours. But more than that, I knew I had people in my life I could count on—I had real community.
“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25).
I’m not the only one in my house with a busy schedule. I’ve recommended online church at least as many times for my kids’ sake as I have for my own. If they stayed up too late doing homework, got home too late from a part-time job, or simply had a really tough week, I might’ve suggested watching church online.
Psalm 84:10 declares, “a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere.” Unfortunately, my actions have often shouted, “Better is anyplace else!”
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
5. It feels safer.
There have also been times when going to church felt unsafe. Like one week when my news feeds were bombarded with stories of violence against churches. There was vandalism and arson overnight and even reports of congregants being accosted on their way into the building.
To help us feel more comfortable, our church sent us an email explaining how security was being ramped up. It had the opposite effect. My immediate thought was to stay home and watch online because it felt safer.
Thankfully, whether facing the threat of death by disease or lion in the Colosseum, God’s people have historically not let such fears dictate their actions. During a plague in 249 AD, Christians stood out from the rest of the world with a radical, self-sacrificial love. They cared for others (without PPE). Many even died as a result, but that didn’t dissuade other Christians from following suit.
They showed unbounded love and loyalty, sparing themselves and thinking only of one another. Heedless of the danger, they took charge of the sick, attending to their every need and ministering to them in Christ.[1]
The Christian heritage is one that shouts the words of Paul, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). So why is it so easy for me to let fears govern my behavior? What would the world look like if I let love for others trump my love for self?
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9).
Purpose of the church
In many ways, a church is like a hospital. It’s filled with a mix of those giving help and those in need of it. The only difference is that in a church, the patients also serve as medical staff. All believers, not just the “professional” ones, are there to minister aid to others.
We might be able to “watch” church alone, but we can’tbethe church alone.
Jesus said, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you” (Matthew 28:19-20).
Christianity is not a spectator sport. There are people out there who need us. We just need to get off the couch first.
Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org.
From the moment I met my husband, I knew he was the one. He stood out with his unique way of talking, infectious laugh, and a personality that gave me butterflies. Eight months after we first met, we were engaged. Five months after that, we said “I do.” Little did we know, the marriage journey was going to be a challenging one. And yet, through each trial, we discovered the resilience to overcome and, more importantly, the ability to grow together.
For me, marrying my husband meant entering the military community. I quickly realized no amount of preparation could qualify me for a lifestyle like this. Before getting engaged, my husband and I discovered our future together would include an overseas assignment. I envisioned a life of exciting travels in a foreign country; I even started planning trips before we got stationed. But within the first month of marriage, the life I had fantasized about unfolded unexpectedly.
We experienced three unplanned relocations and uncertainty loomed over when the next possible move could occur. My mind raced with thoughts of future deployments, the potential distance between our future kids and their dad, and the emerging possibility of holidays without him. What had seemed like an exciting chapter of newlywed life became a period filled with anxiety, depression, and doubt.
Even without the military side, navigating the challenges married couples face can be overwhelming: a hectic work schedule, sick children, an emergency vet trip, etc.
How to grow together: build a solid foundation
After attending FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway in San Antonio, my husband and I gained wisdom on how to nurture a deeper connection with each other. Attending a marriage conference filled with godly materials put us on the right track to cultivating a lasting marriage.
Here are some key points we learned on how to build a solid foundation in your marriage.
1. We’re not alone.
Entering a military breakout session, I soon realized that many of these couples had stories similar to ours. It reassured us that our situation wasn’t unique; there were couples that understood what we were going through and came out on the other side. Phew!
2. We live in a broken world.
God created our marriage for oneness, but we face external threats, including people choosing their own way over God’s purpose for human flourishing. We confront lies from the enemy, lies from our flesh, and lies from the world.
3. Our spouse isn’t our enemy!
I realized how I was unfairly putting my husband in the wrong when I was the one who needed to ask for forgiveness and apologize. Our situation was out of our control, and I needed to free my husband from my attitude.
4. Women and men view sex differently.
Understanding that men are more physically driven and desire closeness after sex, while women are more emotionally driven and want to feel closer before sex, has allowed me to understand my spouse better.
5. Marriage is a mission.
In order to grow together, we need to spend time with others heading in the same direction. We also grow by guiding others in the right direction who need help.
Building a solid foundation for our marriage begins with trusting in Jesus first and allowing His Holy Spirit to guide us in the right direction. It doesn’t come from the flood of other people’s opinions or comparisons to friends on social media.
Applying what we’ve learned
A weekend spent reflecting on our relationship and setting goals for the future gave us the strength and motivation necessary to pursue a long-lasting marriage. Recognizing the need to work on our communication habits, we formed a plan for accountability with others. Attending a small group with other married couples has provided a platform to discuss marriage struggles, bringing us closer together, creating a space where we can be vulnerable and acknowledge we aren’t alone in our experiences.
As I write this, I chuckle at the realization that many of the arguments my husband and I have are similar to those experienced by others. He seeks facts and solutions, while I long to share my feelings and desire him to listen. Understanding our differing communication styles has allowed me to extend more grace during disagreements.
Understanding communication is a skill that develops over time, and we’ve made it a priority moving forward. I set a goal of holding back from defending myself after each argument and giving my husband permission to call me out if necessary. My husband is learning to empathize with my feelings and put himself in my shoes. When it’s difficult, he asks clarifying questions and may take some time alone to process.
Growing together may look different for you. It may be reading the Bible together every other day, getting aligned with finances, or even sharpening the skill of offering apologies more frequently. Genuine growth takes time and requires patience, dedication, and a steadfast commitment to grow together.
While our uncertainty about the future persists, a fresh perspective has emerged. We feel closer than we did at the beginning of our marriage, and our communication has strengthened. Each passing day deepens our understanding of one another.
With the unavoidable rush of life and the unexpected events of military life, we recognize marriage will only become more challenging with time. However, we firmly believe God has a beautiful plan for our oneness. Armed with the Word and a supportive community, we are determined to combat the threats of the world, the enemy, and our flesh.
I encourage you to remember you are not alone in the brokenness and hardships that marriage can bring. I pray for your heart to soften, enabling you to see the beauty marriage inherently holds and for God to heal the wounds within your soul. May you grow together, knowing your marriage is not too far gone.
Lindsea Castor is an author, content creator, military wife, and adventure seeker. Originally from Colorado, she currently resides in Texas with her husband. Lindsea is passionate about sharing the love of Jesus with women and refugees. One of her dreams is to pursue documentary filmmaking, with the hope of spreading the gospel across borders and reaching the unreached.
For those who know her best, Lindsea is a travel addict who is typically found outdoors in nature or in the cozy corners of a coffee shop. Catch more of her thoughts at Lindseacastor.com.
I wasn’t paying much attention to the background music until I noticed the lyrics. The singer was explaining to his son that he and his mother had “fallen out of love.” It was normal, the father said, something that just happens. Before the second stanza, tears began to stream down my face as I remembered hearing similar explanations as a child. If it is so easy to fall out of love, why can’t people fall back into it? How do you fall back in love when the feelings fade?
Love is known for its emotional intensity. If the emotional intensity is high and positive, we call it love; high and negative, we call it hate. With this understanding, it’s no wonder why counterfeits such as infatuation and lust masquerade as love. But while love is bathed in emotion, it is not random and uncontrollable, like a hole in the floor we “fall into.”
At its core, love is an action and a decision. We don’t fall in or out of love. We either walk in love or walk away from it.
If you find the intensity of love fading, look at the direction you’re walking. Sometimes, the steps we take away from love are barely noticeable; other times, we run away at full speed. Either way, it is a choice.
How do you fall back in love?
Researcher Dr. John Gottman states, “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually, these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.”1
If we learn to recognize these stages of marital decline, we can choose to walk in a different direction. Here are four ways to “walk” to fall back in love with your spouse.
1. Walk in love with your words.
We were going to be late again. I sat in the car, fuming, watching the garage door with intensity, willing my wife to appear. When she finally came out, a dozen criticisms flashed through my mind. Why does she always do this?
But, walking in love with our words means we “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
I was mad, and I wanted to lash out with criticism. Instead, I bit my tongue and gave a normal, nonconfrontational response.
“Are you ready, Freddy?” I asked.
“Yeah. Sorry that took me so long,” she said through breaths that told me she had been running.
“I don’t know when we’re gonna have lunch today. I packed you some snacks so you don’t get a headache later. It took me forever to find my bag.”
Man, did I feel dumb. My critical attitude blinded me to the truth and almost made me miss the care she was trying to give me.
2. Walk in love with your thoughts.
Criticisms usually start as attempts to help the relationship. We long for things to be better, so we complain and try to instigate improvement. But if we’re not careful, criticisms quickly morph into something far more sinister. Soon, instead of criticizing an action, we start to attack the person behind the action.
“You don’t care about me like I care about you. If you did, you’d be on time.”
Once we allow thoughts like that to take root, criticism morphs into contempt. Gottman calls contempt a “sense of superiority” over one’s spouse. It colors every interaction with disrespect and makes it difficult to see the good in your spouse.
If contempt has begun to take hold in your relationship, you need to work to combat the negative stories you tell yourself. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and look to uncover the positive reason for their behavior. Even if your spouse is wrong, chances are they do care and are not intentionally trying to hurt you.
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8).
3. Walk in love with your posture.
As you may have guessed by now, I like to get to places on time, which means arriving at least 10 minutes early. My wife, however, sees that as an inefficient use of time. She would much rather spend those extra 10 minutes knocking something off her never-ending task list.
The different ways my wife and I view time have been the source of many conflicts over the years. Unfortunately, when criticism goes on for too long, defensiveness sets in.
This was evident one morning as I sat quietly at the kitchen table, scrolling through the news, while I waited for my wife to finish getting ready to leave. Something I read caused me to sigh, but my wife assumed my exasperation was directed at her for not moving faster.
Defensiveness clouds our vision. To protect ourselves, we assume the worst. We see conflicts where there are none and respond preemptively. The more deeply entrenched defensiveness becomes, the harder it is to see the good in our spouse. Eventually, we can’t even remember the happy times we once shared. When that happens, we may start to rewrite history.
“We fight every morning.”
“We’ve been married for 10 years, and they’ve all been miserable!”
“We were never in love.”
Before we know it, all we see is pain.
That morning, I realized what my constant criticism had done. It wasn’t enough for me to stop criticizing her; I had to ask forgiveness for the damage I caused. With genuine repentance and forgiveness, our postures can soften and our defenses lower.
“Put on then … compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you” (Colossians 3:12-13).
These couples can walk in love again but must often take time to recharge themselves emotionally first. A good support system of friends and counselors can help you reconnect with God and have the energy to reengage with your spouse. Even something as simple as spending time on an enjoyable hobby can help you be more willing to try again.
Often, couples focus so closely on their spouse’s flaws that they forget their spouse was never designed to fulfill all their needs. Only God can do that. When we try to get from our spouse that which we can only get from God, we inevitably get disappointed.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV).
Fall back in love by rediscovering your friendship
Gottman’s research shows the most important factor in a couple’s ability to maintain loving feelings is the quality of their friendship. Unfortunately, for many couples, friendship is the first thing to be sacrificed on the altar of busyness.
If you want to learn to enjoy each other again, or simply never “fall out of love” in the first place, focus on your friendship. If you’re having trouble finding time together, drop out of some activities, give the kids a bedtime, or change your job. Do whatever it takes to ensure that you have time to enjoy each other as friends. Go on dates, find new hobbies together, garden, fish, or dance. Anything, as long as it’s fun for both of you.
Early in our marriage, my wife and I would spend the weekends exploring parks on our bikes. Two cross-country moves later, our bikes had become permanent dust collectors in our garage. When we finally dusted them off for a Saturday afternoon ride, we couldn’t understand why we had ever stopped. We had so much fun.
My wife and I still bicker over running late from time to time, but mostly, we just laugh about it. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what time we get to wherever we’re going as long as we’re walking (or riding) in love on the way.
1. Gottman, John Mordechai, and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 2015.
Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org.
What are your Christmas traditions? Trimming the tree? Baking and decorating cookies? Cooking special dishes reserved for the holiday season? If you’re a parent, surely it includes a family gift exchange.
Growing up, those were all traditions we followed, and when I got married and had kids of my own, it was a no-brainer to bring those same traditions into my newly established family.
However, six years and four kids into my parenting journey, I found myself dreading what was supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Shopping for gifts was taking up all my time post-Thanksgiving, on top of church Christmas play rehearsals, recitals, and countless Christmas gatherings. I was at my wit’s end. I had come to associate the holiday season with utter chaos and overwhelming fatigue.
One December night, frazzled, I asked my husband, Moses, a rhetorical question: “What if we stopped giving Christmas gifts to the kids?”
To my surprise, he didn’t immediately shut down my idea. I guess it wasn’t a rhetorical question after all. By the time the next Christmas rolled around, we had made our decision: gift exchanges would be no more in the Sanchez household. The harder task would be getting our extended family on board.
Rethinking the Christmas gift exchange
To paint a picture for you, as a first-generation Filipino-American, Christmas is a main event to say the least. There’s an old joke that Filipinos only celebrate Christmas during the months that end in “ber.” If you’ve ever visited the Philippines anytime after September 1, you would see that’s no exaggeration. Not to mention, I have four sisters close in age, and I’m the only one with kids. The tita (aunt) temptation to spoil your nieces and nephews is real, and my parents could hardly help but overindulge their only grandkids.
I’ll never forget the dread I felt as I sent a text to our extended family, politely asking them to skip the gift exchange. I was careful to avoid questioning their motives. Instead, I explained we would reserve birthdays as a time to shower our kids with presents.
The Christmas season would be our opportunity as a family to emphasize other values:
1. We want to create memories as a family. In other words, we want to emphasize experiences over things.
My family and I live in New York City, and are fortunate enough to have access to plenty of festive Christmas activities. One experience we’ve experienced together is visiting the famous Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree and the Holiday Train Show at Grand Central Terminal. Another memory we’ve experienced as a family for the past several years has been staying at a friend’s cabin in the Poconos over the days leading up to Christmas and spending quality time there eating junk food, watching our favorite holiday movies, and playing board games.
2. We want our kids to prioritize serving others.
We’ve given out bags of coffee to strangers we pass by on the street, or gift cards to the workers at the bodegas we frequent (small grocery stores common in NYC; if you know, you know), or baked cookies for our neighbors in our apartment building.
In the animated short film A Charlie Brown Christmas, the wise sage Charlie Brown bemoans the fact that materialism has upstaged the celebration of Christ’s birth and a spirit of generosity has been nearly forgotten during the holiday season. I couldn’t agree more.
Several questions sparked our decision to redefine Christmas traditions for our family:
Could there be an alternative to the self-centered, materialistic, American cultural celebration of Christmas?
We have the responsibility as parents to shape the values of a generation that will outlive us, how will we steward this well?
Replacing the gift exchange with new holiday traditions
We are now six years into our holiday tradition, and as expected, we have tweaked it a bit (although the same values steer any changes we make). We still don’t do traditional gift exchanges, but we do a “Secret Santa” in which each kid is randomly assigned a sibling to shop for at Five Below.
We’ve been consistent for the past three years to get away to the Poconos, sometimes at our friends’ cabin and sometimes at a Christian camp site. We now have a hot cocoa bar and watch our favorite Christmas movies while chomping on homemade popcorn. One year, my sisters joined us and the plastic wrap game tradition was born, in which small toys and candies are wrapped tightly within a ball of plastic wrap and players take turns unwrapping, keeping any prize that falls out during their turn. For the past five years, we’ve visited Dyker Heights in Brooklyn, known for their lavish Christmas lights displays, and the kids look forward to buying overpriced ice cream from trucks that line each block of the neighborhood.
I know some of you may be reading this and thinking: “Grinch–ahem. I mean, Marilette, that all sounds noble, but my kids would hate me.” Or maybe, “What would my parents think if I deprived them of the chance to spoil their grandkids?”
To which I would just offer a couple paradigm shifts that would apply whether or not you decide to buy presents.
What if we valued experiences and quality time over more “stuff”? In lieu of toys, you can offer a trip to the ice cream shop, a movie, concert or sporting event, or maybe consider a gift that keeps on giving like a year-long membership to a museum or botanical gardens.
What if we valued buying educational toys or enhancing a current talent or interest? Instead of buying the latest flashy toy that your kid will lose interest in within a couple of days, what if you bought your musically-inclined child a new keyboard or guitar? Do you have a budding artist in your midst? Try buying them a new art kit, easel, or even art lessons for the year.
Choose what’s right for your family
I recently asked my family members if they remember their initial reaction to that infamous text. To my surprise, my sisters recall not minding at all. One of them, whose love language is quality time, was excited for the opportunity to redirect her funding toward things she could experience alongside the kids. Two were relieved to at least have the opportunity to spoil the kids on their birthdays with no limits. One of them was excited at the prospect to be innovative and create new traditions.
My mom recalls her and my dad’s disappointment in not being able to see the excitement on the kids’ faces while opening presents during Christmas. I concede that there are different dynamics at play between being a grandparent versus a parent. All that to say, I have a newfound respect for my parents who respected our boundaries, despite not wholeheartedly agreeing with our family’s decision.
My intention in sharing our nontraditional family tradition is not to be closed-minded and pushy about all families needing to follow in our footsteps. I simply want to encourage parents not to mindlessly follow the traditions thrust upon us by society at large. Instead, let’s realize the freedom we have to create our own family traditions and values.
As parents, we get to choose what is best for our family in each season. We have every right to switch up the status quo, and must remind ourselves often that there is always room to tweak and pivot from the “normal” as time goes on. I hope hearing a snippet of my family’s story can be a reminder to others of the freedom we have available to us in Christ in our parenting journey and beyond.
Marilette Sanchez is a New Yorker passionate about finding the connections between God, relationships, and pop culture. She is wife to Moses, a homeschooling mom to five young children, and a full-time missionary with FamilyLife. She believes there is more to the Christian life than hypocrisy and more to pop culture than shallow art. College sweethearts and NYC natives, she and her husband, Moses, are FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® speakers known for their transparency and their ability to inject their love of hip hop and pop culture into their discussions of love, sex and marriage. She has recently co-founded an online apparel company to raise awareness for mental health issues in the church and communities of color. Follow her parenting and homeschooling journey on Instagram at @bigcitybigfamily and her musings on womanhood and pop culture at marilettesanchez.com.
For the longest time, I wanted to be a movie director—framing breathtaking shots, unfolding the story, drawing out intense emotion, and revealing deeper meaning to art and circumstances. One movie reviewer’s quote revealed a reason we can’t get enough of Hollywood: “Nowadays, I’ll pay anything just to feel something.”
Don’t we all long for genuine emotion and meaning?
The Christian life isn’t exempt. I remember many evangelistic sermons painting a charmed existence not unlike a cinematic fairy tale, an 80s action thriller, or an amusing rom-com. Faith in Jesus was communicated as a “happily ever after” of desires finally satisfied, exhilarating adventure, and always getting the spouse you’ve been saving yourself for.
Our spirits long for meaning and adventurous plot. But so often we come to Christ on a spiritual high. We burrow into the Bible and throw ourselves headlong into ministry, all the while asking in the back of our minds, “Is this all there is?”
Is this all there is?
All of us who know Jesus will consciously, or unconsciously, answer one of three ways:
1. “Yes. This is all there is.”
We walk away from Jesus because life isn’t that great. And sometimes, changing diapers in the church nursery just doesn’t feel like adventure or drama on the big screen.
2. “Yes. I probably just need to do more ministry.”
We search for fulfillment from the spiritual activity we’re accomplishing, distracting ourselves from answering honestly.
3. “No.”
Something tells us God wants our story to go deeper: more plot, more meaning.
“Is this all there is?” is a critical question for anyone discipling professing Christians, because God Himself often inlays that craving for more (see Isaiah 55:1-9).
What differentiates answer #3? The Holy Spirit.He takes His seat as the movie’s director. Surrendering to the Holy Spirit allows us to manifest our most purposeful, most alive selves.
I’ve helped believers process whether to go to med school, get married to that girl, become a pastor, or move to that town. And I’ve found that instead of conventional wisdom, the Spirit-filled life nudges us to a deep actualization of God’s unique image in each of us, toward understanding our deepest longings for good, overcoming our greatest fears, and experiencing the Bible vibrantly. We begin to sense, “I am where I am supposed to be.” Even when, like Jesus Himself experienced, He leads us into hardship.
He’s not the holy add-on
It’s easy to treat the Holy Spirit as an add-on to God the Father and Jesus—maybe synonymous with “the Force,” or the ability to fly in “The Matrix.” I once thought of Him as an impersonal “it” rather than a person, someone with whom you’d experience a dynamic relationship.
Us Westerners love our “freedom.” We don’t answer to anyone! But the Holy Spirit is both out of our control and downright mysterious. Giving Him control makes us feel vulnerable. And He may be downright unwelcome if you’re trying to direct your own movie.
The Spirit-filled life means surrendering our lifestyle, frame-by-frame, to His authority and direction. Talk about countercultural! Ask the person you’re guiding, “What have you learned about the Holy Spirit?”
In the movie of our lives, the Holy Spirit guides us toward wisdom and truth. It’s completely possible to listen to Him, allow His wisdom to fill us (Ephesians 5:18), manifest His fruit (Galatians 5:22-23), and apply the Word to our lives much like a genius script to a lead actor (John 14:26). That’s how we experience the fullness and purpose the Christian life was meant to offer (Isaiah 61:1).
Jesus promised the Holy Spirit would be our Great Counselor and live inside of us as believers (John 14:16-17).
We can guide others to surrender the director’s chair and megaphone in four key ways.
4 ways to guide someone toward a Spirit-filled life
1. Stop faking it.
I once discipled a young man who was going through the motions of leading worship every day, but you could tell he wanted to do anything but play guitar. He once told me, “Inauthentic spirituality is just as uncomfortable as a bad movie or an actor who feels disingenuous.”
Actors embrace their full potential when they allow the director to go to uncomfortable places, trading “performance” for genuine, gripping immersion into a story. And the very life of a Spirit-filled believer becomes riveting as they display the magnificent glory and beauty of Jesus. Others behold His power to change lives, mend the brokenhearted, pursue justice, show mercy, pull beauty from ashes, refine motivations.
Encourage those you’re guiding to intentionally invite and agree with the Holy Spirit as He exposes vulnerabilities and incongruences in us. Be open as He challenges us to allow God into all of our story, private thoughts, motivations, decisions, and even our relationships.
Romans 12:1 pleads with us to be “living sacrifices” to God, dedicating our whole lives to Him, down to the transformation of our hearts and thoughts.
Ask the person you’re guiding, “What parts of your story and my story does the Holy Spirit need an all-access pass? In what parts are we faking it?”
2. Embrace the retake.
The best actors and directors also know, sometimes immediately, when they’ve bungled a scene. A missed line is more than an opportunity for the blooper reel. It’s a window to build a more worthy story, to begin again.
When you came to Jesus, you confessed your sins—admitting your profound need for Him, His forgiveness, His control. A Spirit-filled life is the pursuit of a lifestyle of confession, dependence, and surrender.
These places to confess become deeper and more vulnerable as we surrender more and more to the Holy Spirit’s powerful, trustworthy directorship. Instead of settling for surface-level confession, the Holy Spirit will challenge us deeper into our stories, shaping beauty from our lifetime of brokenness. He desires to peel back our layers—to guide us toward greater purpose, more than any human director could.
Ask the person you’re guiding, “What could it look like to regularly embrace confession in your life?”
3. Trust the Spirit’s process.
If you wept along with “Schindler’s List” or shared the triumph of “The Avengers,”you felt with me the power of a story to display a genuine experience of humanity, truth, or redemption. The greatest lows or conflict in a movie serve to sweep us to greater awe in a story’s resolution, particularly for the hero after their gut-wrenching sacrifice. (Spoiler: In real life, the hero is not you.)
Confession can feel shameful or embarrassing. But its greater purpose is to restore wholeness to our relationships with others and God. In any relationship, simply saying “sorry” is never enough. As in the redemption of any fallen person, we must deliberately open our hearts, rebuild trust, commit to change, and pursue healing or reconciliation.
When God tells us He will “cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9), it’s a familial promise to remain resolutely on our side and create beauty from our personal tragedies, small or large. His Spirit guides us into all truth (John 16:13), and that relationship relentlessly teaches us, encourages us, and redeems us. When we are living Spirit-led lives, we listen to Him and pour out our hearts, sometimes even wrestling with Him on the arc of our redemption story. To the person you guide: “What would you need to let go of to open your heart to the Holy Spirit’s process?”
4. Stay connected.
In John 15:1-15, Jesus casts a vision of God the gardener, Himself the vine and His followers as the branches on the vine—branches that get pruned to bear fruit. What’s amazing about bearing fruit is that all it requires is being a branch connected to nutrients. It’s this constant connection to God that allows us to experience the fullness of the Holy Spirit’s activity in our lives. We immerse ourselves in God’s Word, as well as families and communities who help us follow Jesus.
Dr. John Townsend writes that relationships actively provide “nutrients” to fuel our lives, loves, and leadership. And a continuous relational attachment with the Holy Spirit fuels us, too, to live the life God shaped us to live (Ephesians 2:10).
Just like no actor can work apart from the director, Jesus warns candidly that “apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). Consider asking the person you’re guiding, “What might you add to your daily rhythms to stay connected to Jesus as your ‘vine’?”
A Spirit-filled life: the secret of a don’t-miss story
So guide others to lean into—not away from—the question, “Is this all there is?”
Fed and filled with the power of the Holy Spirit, we can live a truly vigorous life. One where we’re constantly changed toward Jesus’ beauty, holistically connected, and soaked in a life-changing gospel. We will be people who walk in humility, naturally care for others, love justice and mercy, deepen our walks with the Lord, and cherish our families wholeheartedly. The Spirit-filled life is a promise of an existence that can only grow deeper, richer, and more meaningful.
It’s a compelling, life-altering existence to the movie that is life.
Tony Wee serves as the Executive Director of Field Expansion for FamilyLife. He received a Masters of Divinity from Talbot School of Theology and has been a missionary with Cru for nearly two decades. He lives in Washington, D.C. with his wife, Steph, and their three kids.
Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Art of Parenting®, Art of Marriage®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.
One Thanksgiving day, Bart Campolo, son of well-known evangelical professor and speaker Tony Campolo, told his father he no longer shared his father’s faith.
Shocked, Tony didn’t believe what he was hearing. How could his son, who had served alongside him for over two decades in some of the most economically depressed communities in America, preaching the gospel and serving the marginalized, now no longer identify as a follower of Jesus?
His son losing faith in Christ brought Tony deep hurt. It was like “somebody put a knife in my stomach,” he would later say.
If that’s you, I would like to offer a few suggestions to help you navigate what can be an emotionally turbulent experience. When someone we love has left the faith, the most important thing we can do is stay in the conversation.
But in order to do that, we’ll need to tread lightly. That might feel counterintuitive; we want to fix this. Resist that (harmful) impulse.
Want to remain a positive influence in their life for Jesus? Consider adopting the following suggestions.
6 steps when someone you love is losing faith
1. Avoid overreacting.
Recently, my 12-year-old daughter said she no longer believed in heaven. Instantaneously,
I felt sick to my stomach: “Is my daughter deconverting?” Followed by, “I need to I fix this. Now!”
Thankfully, I resisted that urge. It took everything in me to restrain myself from offering an over-the-top argument for heaven. But that would have been a mistake, causing more damage to her faith than good.
If I had expressed my fears and frustrations at that moment, I would have shut down my daughter from ever opening up and sharing her doubts with me in the future. Open lines of communication are crucial.
And the best way to sever those lines is to overreact when they share doubt and unbelief.
Our kids need to know it’s safe to reveal what they’re really thinking and feeling without being afraid someone they love will fly off the handle. Despite being caught off guard, instincts in this case are not what we should follow.
Think through in advance how you might respond to a child or friend informing you of serious doubts about Christianity. Have a plan for how you will respond. While no two plans will look the same, all need to include these next several features.
2. Listen patiently.
At the conservative evangelical institution where I work, an unofficial campus group has formed, aimed at being a safe environment for those who losing faith. Rather than gathering to study evidence for Christianity or bolster their faith through Christian apologists, this group longs to express doubts and frustrations without judgment or someone attempting to resolve their questions. Those losing faith may not desire an answer—at least initially—as much as a compassionate ear.
If your child or a friend is willing to confide in you something so personal as a faith crisis, the best thing in that moment is to refrain from trying to solve their problem. Instead, listen patiently.
This means not interrupting. Not asking if they have really thought this through. Not suggesting solutions.
It means trying diligently to hear beneath the surface. Sometimes, stated reasons offered for someone’s doubts might not be the true source. Listening patiently means asking questions—
not so we can craft a response, but rather to both understand and make your friend feel heard.
Consider questions like these:
When you say _______, can you help me understand what that means?
How long have you been feeling like this?
Did something specific bring about your doubts?
What I hear you saying is_______. Is that right?
Is your thinking still in process, or have you arrived at a settled position?
But avoid questions like these.
How can you not believe it’s true?
Aren’t you just angry at God because of _______?
Do you know how much this hurts me?
Is there sin in your life?
Have you really looked into the evidence for Christianity?
As hard as your friend’s statements may be to hear, it’s important to thank them for doing so. Let them know you appreciate that they cared enough to tell you. Acknowledge that it must have been difficult to bring up the subject.
Doing so will offer proof that you really mean what you say next.
3. Love unconditionally.
Pam’s story was achingly similar to dozens I interviewed. Once Pam shared with her mother she no longer identified as a Christian, Pam’s mother refused to speak to her. Years passed without a word between them. When Pam went to visit her mother on her deathbed, her mother turned away, refusing to acknowledge her presence.
Devastated, Pam’s unbelief calcified into a heart of stone that will take nothing short of a miracle to soften. To Pam and others, rejection confirmed they want nothing to do with Christianity.
Your emotions of betrayal can feel devastating and powerful, fueling a “justified” rejection of those we feel have betrayed not only us, but God.
But more than anything, our children and friends need to know we love and accept them unconditionally. And by unconditionally, I mean with no strings attached. That they will always be welcome in your home. And—if this person is your son or daughter—that they will always be your child. We communicate we love them even if they reject the most important thing to us, our faith.
This allows us to cultivate a relationship where we can stay in the conversation.
But even more, this demonstrates God’s unconditional love for them. Think of the woman at the well. Zacchaeus. The woman caught in adultery. All had rejected him with their lifestyles. But Jesus pursued them, loved them, and kept the conversation going.
We don’t just stay in the conversation for our agenda, a search-and-rescue mission—but because we are also the rescued. We, too, have been loved unconditionally.
Consider stating something like this to your child or friend: “You need to know, no matter what you believe, I will always love you. Of course, it’s hard for me to hear this. But my love and acceptance of you aren’t based on you identifying as a Christian. I will always be there for you and support you wherever you go, whatever you do, whatever you believe.”
4. Establish boundaries.
Former Christians commonly complain of conversations with loved ones who constantly try to reconvert them. Eventually, those relationships become strained and lead to resentment or even estrangement.
And yet your friend or child needs to understand this news is something you need to process—an opportunity for further conversations. You can’t force these conversations, but you can increase the odds of a positive response: “You can probably imagine this is hard for me to hear. I need some time to process it. Would you be open to talking about this soon? Maybe we can set aside time next week to chat. We can talk about how to navigate it, so it doesn’t lead to both of us becoming frustrated.”
Then,
Express your desire to respect them by not raising the issue every time you see them.
Ask if they would be open to a few follow-up conversations to help you understand better what led them here.
Allow them to set the terms of these conversations’ frequency, how open your friend is to hearing apologetic responses from you attempting to make the case for Christianity.
If they are afraid every chat will lead to you challenging them, expect fewer visits and phone calls. Specific times to discuss matters of faith will be much less damaging.
5. Play the long game.
When it comes to someone you love losing faith, commit to playing the long game: resisting the urge to pressure them to quickly return to the faith, and instead, developing the kind of relationship that allows you to play a role in their future return.
As hard as it is to do, we need to exercise patience, recognizing decisions made, for example, by our children in their high school and college years aren’t usually the end of the story. Typically, with age comes wisdom and experience; both of which can cause what’s foolish in our 20s to seem reasonable in our 50s.
Like a lot of things in life, seeing faith in a new and positive light may take time. A long time. Keep investing in the kind of relationship that allows you to stay in the conversation.
6. Remember Peter isn’t Judas.
Both Peter and Judas denied Jesus. But Peter repented and returned to serve Jesus even more wholeheartedly. Admittedly, Peter’s return happened shortly after his denial. But that isn’t always the case. I know of many individuals who have deconverted and then, years later, returned to the faith.
Lauren, who led worship and served as a youth leader at a church she planted, became disillusioned after church leadership mistreated her terribly. Eventually, she denied the faith. Lauren went on to make over 200 films in the adult entertainment industry. But porn wasn’t the end of her journey.
God miraculously got ahold of Lauren. Today, she is once again a follower of Jesus.
For intellectual reasons, Darrin left the faith he’d grown up in. He became an online atheist apologist, writing for a popular anti-Christian website and actively seeking to destroy Christians’ faith.
But God opened Darrin’s eyes. After becoming convinced by the evidence for Christ’s resurrection, Darrin recommitted his life to Jesus, and once again calls himself a Christian.
If Lauren and Darrin—about as far morally and intellectually from Christ as a person can get—
can return, there’s hope for your loved one too. God’s heart is for your friend or child.
He really does love them more than we do. We know this because he sacrificed His Son for our children and friends (Romans 8:31-32). We can trust He never stops actively working to draw them back to Himself (John 5:17).
[1] Tony Campolo, Leaving My Father’s Faith, directed by John Wright, aired on February 7, 2018.
Dr. John Marriott is the Director of the Biola University Center for Christian Thought. He teaches in the Philosophy department at Biola and also teaches at Talbot School of Theology. John serves as a consulting editor for the theological journal, Sacrum Testamentum, and acts as the Director of Cultural Engagement for the Renaissance Group. Learn more at JohnMarriott.org, and visit LosingMyFaith.org for more resources.
“Taryn” is a manager in a Christian nonprofit. She pulls long, passionate, thoughtful hours managing others and making critical decisions toward the organization’s mission to represent Jesus around the world.
“I’ve seen firsthand that when a man presents the same idea as a woman, the idea and the presenter’s expertise is trusted with far fewer questions, and the idea takes off. So I’ve actually asked male colleagues to present an idea of mine without any attribution. I wish I didn’t need to channel my ideas through a male mouthpiece for them to be taken seriously.”
By the numbers
Of churchgoing women, Barna reports 27% do not feel they’re making the most of their potential. Their research also indicates:
Twenty percent feel underutilized.
Sixteen percent feel opportunities are limited by their gender.
Thirty-seven percent feel ministry would be more effective if women were given more opportunities to lead.
Barna notes, “Only half of women (47%) say the male leaders in their church are willing to change the rules and structures to give women more leadership opportunities.”
Wheaton professor Dr. Amy Reynolds concludes, “The church and church-based organizations are missing out on a depth and breadth of perspective that is necessary to be the church. Some of this may not be due to principled opposition to women in leadership, but due to a lack of initiative to support and actively encourage women in leadership.”
What do we stand to lose?
When ministries and churches increase diversity within leadership, science indicates this opens the door for more creativity, better decision-making, and positive financial outcomes. When we welcome all of God’s body to the table, we’re simply better. Business professional Diane Paddison notes, “Like many other working women, I would like to feel that my professional ability—a great gift that God has given me—is welcomed and acknowledged by my church along with my maternal proclivities.”
Even more, to empower women critically displays God’s heart to current and future generations. Some Christian women perceive that in secular employment, their voices are more welcomed and celebrated, pay is greater and more fair, women can advance, and their God-given value is actively sought, even if it’s not celebrated as such.
This is our opportunity toward renown for both God’s Word and His intentional, image-bearing creation of women.
Can the gospel, the church, and the Great Commission afford not to develop women to their fullest God-honoring potential?
7 ways to develop and empower women
Consider ideas like these.
1. Be clear about where you stand.
One director of diversity at a Christian missions organization suggests clarity in a Christian organization’s communication and pursuit of gender diversity.
The director offers,
If you’re providing equal access to both genders to all positions and levels of leadership, do you have a plan to intentionally pursue that diversity—assuming you see the value of diverse opinions on their leadership and decision-making teams?
If a value is stated but not observed, staff will begin to question leadership’s actual value of equal access. Decision-making teams will also lack representation from the variety of staff that they are representing and miss out on the various gifts, perspectives, and skills brought by both genders and other diversity.
When we “just let things happen naturally” and not intentionally pursue diversity, there are often unrealized factors that prevent us from becoming more diverse—like unconscious bias, workplace culture, and simply tending to prefer people like us.
If, as a workplace, you determine different roles are available differently because of gender, be extremely clear about this—and be open with your staff about the reasoning and implications, she recommends.
If this is clear, women will hopefully know what they’re signing up for. If not, this can breed resentment and confusion.
2. Invite her in.
Studies indicate faith-based organizations statistically struggle with females self-monitoring to the point they stifle their own diverse opinions. Harvard Business Review (HBR) calls this the “’modesty mandate’ that can lead [women, those of Asian descent, and first-generation professionals] to hold back their thoughts or speak in a tentative, deferential way.”
Counter these biases by asking these populations to not hold back, but speak up, and then directly requesting their opinions: “Tamara, you’ve had a lot of experience on this. What’s your take?” Then, acknowledge what they’ve shared.
Like other less represented groups in a business, whether faith-based or church setting, women may shrink back if there’s a dominant style of conflict or interruption. Stop the interruption or circle back to acknowledge their opinion. This helps chronic interrupters understand the desired communication style, as well, notes Brittany Adams, Human Resources Deputy Director and Diversity Specialist at Engineering Ministries International.
In the desire to interrupt these biases, HBR also suggests the best managers, in the interview process, “insist on a diverse pool, precommit to objective criteria, limit referral hiring, and structure interviews around skills-based questions. Day to day, they should ensure that high- and low-value work is assigned evenly and run meetings in a way that guarantees all voices are heard.”
Further, research indicates women tend to move more toward leadership when: 1) participating on teams, 2) mentored toward that end, 3) specifically invited into leadership by other leaders, both female and male, and 4) connecting with women outside of their areas of service as a “release valve” for their unique pressures.
3. Affirm genuinely.
A woman also faces unique challenges, like internalizing the mindset that a woman should not lead, ask questions, or request additional discussion, as well as devaluation of her role in a Christian workplace. Glanz observed the pain of Christian women leaders from others’ assumptions: perhaps that she was a feminist, liberal in her theology and interpretation of Scripture, and angry at men due to the woman’s past experience.
So restate to a woman that you’d want her on your team. Tell her openly what she brings that’s valuable to the team. And when offering constructive feedback, consider language that calls her forward: “If you did this better, I imagine you’d be even stronger.”
And then continue to humbly solicit and employ her feedback on your own performance: “Is there a way you see I could grow or better support you?”
4. Check your narrative.
Biola University professor and researcher Leanne Dzubinski notes some organizations may practice “sanctified sexism”: They justify treating a woman differently, perhaps in the name of chivalry or protection. Yet they make decisions for her, like deciding she wouldn’t want a role because she has children to care for.
Adams suggests, “When desiring to ask about personal goals or priorities, consider whether you would ask a male colleague the same questions. If not, ask yourself whether the question is necessary or perhaps whether you would like to start asking male colleagues the same questions—if the goal is really to help them holistically think through their career path.”
If you’d like to ask about a woman’s home life, ask her for permission first—and make sure you’ve established the relational passport to do so.
Rather than pigeonhole or form assumptions, use gender norms to build your understanding and feed your questions and curiosity, ask, “Is that what it’s like for you?”
5. Assume the cost for boundaries deemed necessary.
When a male or organization feels the need to establish boundaries, the organization or person of higher authority absorbs the cost, rather than the woman being held back for lack of opportunities to serve, be involved in conversations, advance, etc.
Say, for example, a man or organization wants to utilize the “Billy Graham rule,” where a man will not go out to lunch, share an elevator, or travel on a business trip alone. In this case, the organization or leader’s budget should consider allocating extra funds to allow a third person to go on the lunch or business trip—rather than subtracting an opportunity for the woman or person of lower power. Or perhaps they fund installing a window in the office where the man and woman might meet alone.
BiasInterrupters.org suggests holding meetings during business hours (not on the golf course on the weekend), and attempting to not make assumptions about a woman’s competency or commitment if she’s pregnant (or could become that way).
6. Openly discuss power dynamics in a room.
If the majority of men in a room possess titles higher than the women, acknowledge how this could affect opinions being shared.
Researcher Margarita Mayo observes elsewhere in HBR, “In a previous study my colleagues and I found that women tend to rate their abilities accurately, while men tend to be overconfident about theirs. Thus, one argument goes, women are less confident than men, which hurts their chances of promotion.” So be willing to call a woman into a position in order to develop her or challenge her, rather than only utilizing skills she already displays or self-identifies.
7. Exercise care when she needs to grow in an area of gender norms.
Some men feel hesitant at all to lead or manage a woman, wary of missteps … or land mines.
What about when you suspect she needs to grow—but it’s in an area of gender stereotypes, like being melodramatic or lacking assertiveness?
First, ask God to grant discernment, revealing any log in your own eye. Then, proceed cautiously. Still, don’t shrink back if you’d give the same advice to a man in a similar situation.
This is a great time to evaluate personal assumptions about gender norms, preferences, and core beliefs. The female director explains, “[If I were a man,] It may be helpful for me to admit that I prefer women who are warm and quiet, but does that mean every woman I work with needs to conform to this norm? Can I differentiate between ‘kind and respectful’ versus ‘deferential and timid’?”
Mayo’s research for HBR indicates competency for men often requires the perception of confidence. But women must also be perceived as confident and warm. Vice versa, competence breeds the perception of confidence in men. Yet women needed to be competent and warm (even more than men) to be perceived as confident—and consequently, as less influential in the organization.
Mayo concludes, “To get credit for having confidence and competence, and to have the influence in their organizations that they would like to have, women must go out of their way to be seen as warm.”
To preach a clearer gospel
We must ask: Is this how the church should be?
Strengthening the powerless threads itself endlessly through Scripture, commanding us against favoritism and stifling the voiceless, while lifting unjust yokes (James 2:1, Proverbs 31:8, Isaiah 58). These values mirror the gospel itself to a watching world—how Jesus grants all people dignity, justice, agency, and equality (Galatians 3:28).
As Christ followers, we should be among the first—as Jesus was—to cheer on and empower women. Yet that’s not seen or felt by many women in ministry.
For the benefit of the church and the world, we can expand women’s reach without compromising the Word of God and His flawless authority structure—displaying the Trinity’s own roles and submission in churches and homes. Jesus, too, both submitted to the Father and was sent into the world. And Paul reminds, “On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor” (1 Corinthians 12:22-23), an honor women statistically do not sense in key ways.
How can we maximize the gifts, minds, and hearts of this underrepresented half of His Body, “giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other” (1 Corinthians 12:24-25)?
We empower women for reasons bigger than the world’s reasons
Because in developing and empowering women, we as Christ-followers welcome others as He welcomed us (Romans 15:7). We covenant to ensure the church represents God’s image in its entirety. More than representing democratic ideals, we represent a Savior who sought interactions with the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, Martha, Simone. Who lifted women from the place the world had assigned them, and into positions of beautiful dignity for His kingdom.
Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Art of Parenting®, Art of Marriage®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.
God’s working around people. So how can you convey, You gotta see this!? On FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson host author Tim Muehlhoff, who helps you talk about an unmissable God.
FamilyLife Today®
You’ve Gotta See This: Tim Muehlhoff
with Tim Muehlhoff | November 16, 2022
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Wondering how to develop relationships that fuel spiritual growth? Author Melissa Kruger ratchets mentoring & intentional discipleship to the next level.
FamilyLife Today®
Melissa Kruger: Growing Together: Taking Mentoring Beyond Small Talk
with Melissa Kruger | September 28, 2022
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The best parts of engagement can be a little like exploring a beautiful tropical island. There’s potentially something intriguing or breathtaking or hilarious around any given corner.
To better comprehend the intricate inner workings of what makes your favorite person tick, a few games to play as a couple can challenge you to discover parts of your fiancé’s story that haven’t yet surfaced in all those 3 a.m. convos where talking felt way more exciting than sleeping.
These games make it easier to lean into the things that matter, the things that don’t, and the things that make you go “hmm.”
5 games to play as a couple
1. Two truths and a lie.
In this classic game, each of you take turns presenting the other person with three statements about yourself in random order: two of them true, one of them a lie. Your fiance attempts to guess which statement is a lie. (Incidentally, we recommend this being the only time you lie to one another. Full stop.)
2. A Venn diagram of us.
Here’s one of those quick, back-of-a-napkin games to play as a couple while passing time together—say, waiting for your dish at a restaurant, feet-on-the-dashboard on a road trip, or in a waiting room for your premarital counseling.
Draw two large intersecting circles. One circle represents him; one circle represents her. The intersecting football-shaped space represents the ways the two of you overlap.
Maybe she’s into hiking and he’s into cooking, but you’re both into cars. Maybe you both love coffee, but she’s definitely a decaf girl, and he can drink any cup o’ joe as long as it’s black.
Or take it a level further, and consider a topic like your childhoods or families. Perhaps one of you never moved houses, and one of you moved constantly—but you both stayed in your home state. Or neither of you is close to your parents, but one of you is close to a sister, and the other to a grandfather.
This game is a simple way to begin exploring the subcultures of your backgrounds. Try out topics like holidays, elementary school experiences, your ethnic heritage.
3. Amped-up Jenga.
On each of the blocks in that dusty game of Jenga in your closet, tape slips of paper with each one of the questions below. (You could simply print them, cut them in strips, and tape them on.) Then stack up Jenga as usual. When one of you withdraws a block, if there’s a question on it, that person needs to answer the question before placing it on top of the stack.
Questions:
What’s one dream you have for our future?
What’s been on your mind lately?
What’s God been doing in you lately?
What’s something you haven’t been able to get out of your head this week?
Tell one meaningful thing someone said to you (not necessarily a compliment).
What do you pray for most often?
Have any recurring dreams at night? What are they about?
What’s one way I could be in your corner right now?
What quality in a person do you immediately find magnetic?
What quality in a person do you immediately find off-putting?
What’s one time in your life you felt close to God?
When you’re at the end of your life, what would one indicator of “success” be?
Describe yourself in five words. Go.
Name three adjectives you sometimes wish you were but aren’t.
Where, when, and with whom do you feel most at home?
What’s one thing could I do, practically speaking, to be a true friend to you?
What do you wish people could understand about you?
What quality for you is hardest to understand when you see it in a person?
What’s one activity that makes you feel alive?
4. A prop from my life.
On your next coffee date, each of you brings an object that represents something you want to tell your fiancé that they don’t know about you yet. Maybe it’s a photograph with a great story, a toy that participated in great adventures with you and a friend or sibling, or something that reminds you of home.
If you’d prefer to make this a little more game-like, when you show the object to your fiancé, play the part of someone introducing the object on an infomercial: This doll may be missing one eyeball, but it’s because she’s seen a lot—not all of which she’s permitted to tell you until we’ve officially tied the knot. Comes with a lovely, stained, pink dress that doubled as a napkin for peanut-butter sandwiches…
5. (In case it’s not obvious) The Newlywed Game.
No list of games to play as a couple would be complete without it. And spoiler: You don’t actually have to be a newlywed for this one. Pull out these questions for a date-in one night when you could use a few laughs and maybe a Whaaat?!
Directions for game play
Print two copies of the questions for each of you.
The female writes answers to Round 1 questions about herself first. The male answers the Round 1 questions about what he thinks she wrote.
The goal is to guess correctly what the other person would say—not what you think. For example, if the question is, “Between the two of you, who is messiest?”, the goal is not to be the least messy person, or to prove you’re right. The goal is to have written (closely enough) the answer the other person wrote.
Repeat the process with him answering Round 2 questions about himself, and his fiancée answering the same questions with what she thinks he wrote.
Having fun? Play it again, swapping roles for Rounds 1 & 2.
Round 1 Questions
What is this person’s worst habit?
What is this person’s favorite indulgent snack?
You’re at a new-to-you restaurant. How does this person decide what to order?
What is this person’s shoe size?
What is this person’s favorite pizza topping?
Of the two of you, who has better handwriting?
What is this person’s favorite thing to do to relax?
Where would this person go on vacation?
Which item of clothing of theirs is the weirdest?
What is a top item on this person’s bucket list?
What might this person be doing when they feel close to God?
What is one way this person best displays the image of God?
What is one thing you do that drives this person bananas?
What is this person’s favorite dessert?
Of the two of you, who has better taste in clothes?
What is one thing the two of you could not agree on?
In choosing a church, what does this person hope to find?
What is/was this person’s favorite subject in school?
After you’re married, who will make the bed?
Apart from your marriage and honeymoon, what’s something in the next year this person may get excited about?
What is this person’s first memory?
The stellar news? You’ll be making discoveries on that private island of yours for the rest of your life. And like these games to play as a couple, those ahas can pack a lot of laughter and rich memories.
Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity®, Art of Parenting®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.
You’re not the first one who can’t wait for the wedding in order to wash your hands of wedding planning.
And though movies can cast an image of dreamy engagements, it’s not necessarily a warning sign when there’s an uptick in conflict between the two of you. (And sometimes, that can even make you wonder if you’re making the right decision. Read “When To Call It Off Before the Big Day.”) When my husband and I were engaged, our honeymoon phase ended about three months before the actual honeymoon.
That is to say, engagement is admittedly not all cake-tasting and rose petals. Grab eight fun date-night ideas to stockpile great memories and haul away stress.
Fun Date-Night Ideas: Start Here
1. DIY art night.
Purchase inexpensive canvases, brushes, acrylic paints, or other art supplies for your own painting night. Check Pinterest for simple project ideas that, yes, even your accountant fiancé can accomplish with some level of satisfaction.
Bonus: Mix mocktails to create your own painting-with-a-twist.
2. Cook up something new.
Maybe you’ve always wanted to try making your own veggie sushi, fondue, or pierogis after that foray into Ancestry.com. Maybe you’re just noodling on that recipe from the Food Network. Either way, from the shopping to the taste-testing, make an evening out of creativity that stimulates all five senses.
Bonus: As a thank-you, make dinner for a couple who’s invested in one or both of you.
3. Read a book out loud, punctuated by a slow dance.
Casual, no-phones cuddle time? Yes, please.
Whip up some of your favorite snacks, grab your favorite drinks, and take turns reading from a book you’re both reasonably excited about.
Then, pull your fiancé in for a slow dance. (Your phone = instant DJ.) Light a candle for extra atmosphere.
Bonus: The listener could treat the reader to a foot rub.
4. Embark on a photo scavenger hunt.
Google “couples scavenger hunt,” and take photos where your chosen list suggests.
Or try ideas like these:
The place we met.
A house that looks fun to live in.
The most romantic spot we drive by every day.
Kissing at some location we’ve never kissed before.
Our favorite date-night restaurant.
Each of us eating our favorite flavor of ice cream.
Sharing a food.
Each of us doing something the other thinks we’re great at.
Climbing a tree.
Playing on a playground.
A spot with a great memory.
A place or activity that expresses each of us.
Bonus: Share a snack at the end and flip through your photos.
Especially if you’ve got the coordination of a herd of cats, not every couple will find dance lessons … relaxing. But for some of you, it’s nice to step away from picking invitations, flower arrangements, and venues—or your latest argument—to laugh, work up a sweat, and step on each other’s toes.
Not sure if dancing will be your jam? Find a low-commitment option for beginners and maybe even a kind of dancing you can show off with zero pressure at the reception.
Bonus: Create a playlist for you to practice on your own.
6. Catch a falling star.
Using an app like MeteorActive or a website like TimeandDate.com, find out when you might glimpse the next meteor shower. Pack blankets and carafes of your favorite hot drinks to set the stage for a little cuddling and stargazing.
Bonus: Read Bible verses together that talk about stars, like Daniel 12:3, Psalm 19:1, or Psalm 136:3-9. Or bring a volume of poetry to read to each other.
7. Sink into a forest bath with a picnic on the side.
Though omitted from your typical list of fun date-night ideas, forest bathing, or in the original Japanese, shinrin-yoku, means “absorbing the forest atmosphere.” (So there’s no actual bathing, m’kay?).
Kaiser Permanente reports, “Aside from city parks, the more in-depth practice of forest bathing has been found to lower blood pressure, heart rate, and levels of harmful hormones — like cortisol, which your body produces when it’s stressed. This can help put you in a more calm and relaxed state.”
They continue, “In addition, studies have found that simply spending 10 to 20 minutes a day outdoors can lead to increased well-being and happiness — and decreased amounts of stress.”
So pack a simple picnic and find a place to surround yourself in a place green and quiet. And together, inhale.
Bonus: Gather a cluster of flowers together as you walk.
8. Let the sparks fly at the fire pit.
Roast marshmallows, cook hot dogs or hobo meals, and watch the stars.
Bonus: Before the sun sets, toss a football or play catch for awhile. Remember what it’s like to be playful together.
Engagement doesn’t have to equal migraines and stress sweat. With a little creativity and a few fun date-night ideas in your back pocket, it may be easier than you thought to remember all over again why you’re better together.
Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity®, Art of Parenting®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.
There can be a lot of trouble meshing our relationship with Jesus and today’s dating scene, especially when you factor in our phones, social media, sex, and how to communicate without being super awkward. And don’t forget the complexities of singleness and friendship with the opposite sex! Well in today’s episode, Shelby Abbott offers top-shelf pointers on how to filter your love life (existent or not) through the lens of loyalty to Jesus.
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Dating, Sex, and Friendship In The Modern Age: Shelby Abbott
with Shelby Abbott | November 11, 2022
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“Brace for impact”painted my faceas our realtor called and delivered the good news—we were set to close on the sale of our house! I was happy, but I immediately imagined a box truck loaded with the logistics of our family moving, speeding in the direction of Olivia and me with our 7-month-old twin girls.
Packing, organizing, and moving our belongings felt overwhelming. Add in the emotional toll of saying goodbye to our community, adjusting to a new environment, and adapting to a different routine and it all seemed like a rush of stress and anxiety.
I knew moving would not be easy, and I was right. I thought it would mean no peace for the next couple of months, and I was wrong.
Tips we’ve learned from our family moving
Relocating our whole life to a different state was an ongoing process, but so was remembering to seek Christ during the challenges we’d face. Here are five tips we’ve learned through our family moving.
1. Invite Jesus to the moving party.
No matter the reason for your family moving, there are many potential obstacles to navigate. There were many opportunities for the enemy to scheme and get Olivia and me to lose our cool during our move: We felt exhausted daily from packing decisions. Not everyone liked us moving. And did I mention our twins were 7 months in the midst of this?
Setting aside a moment to be still and asking the Lord to lead our family in the move was pivotal for starting well, but also for grounding our perspective to His when challenges came.
Pray and ask God to give you peace during moving challenges (John 14:27).
Consider meditating on Philippians 4:6-7: “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Express your trust in Jesus as you seek Him first before each decision and before you start moving (Matthew 6:33).
2. Get a “moving checklist” that works for your family and schedule.
Remember that box truck of logistics I felt rushing in our direction? Well, a good checklist paired with Philippians 4:6-7 didn’t change the speed of time, but it gave us a calm feeling while planning for its impact.
Moving got crazy and chaotic real quick. We needed to start changing mailing addresses, making endless calls and texts to communicate with loved ones, transferring medical records, and scheduling movers—my heart is racing just remembering it all.
A checklist helped us stay focused and gave extra safety so we didn’t miss any important tasks as a family moving. It helped us break down the whole process into manageable steps, from sorting and packing to scheduling movers and notifying utilities. Plus, checking off items on the list gave us a sense of accomplishment and reduced stress.
Trust me, having a checklist will save you from last-minute panics and make the whole moving process smoother. So grab a pen and paper, use a cool moving app, or pull a free one online, and with prayer as your first item, let that checklist be your ultimate moving buddy. Your family will thank you later.
3. Have family meetings.
Though our twins weren’t at the age of talking yet, having several family meetings during our season of moving was a game changer. It’s important to mention that these were extremely informal. If you’re picturing an organized couple talking through a to-do list with finely rowed boxes and quiet babies playing, you might be picturing a different couple. That wasn’t us.
Our home felt a mess because we were transitioning. We had to accept that. But what we didn’t accept was for our family moving to cause a disconnection. Our meetings were used to walk through to-do lists on our phones, but it was also a time to connect emotionally and communicate.
Sometimes a move is a lot for a heart, and the enemy can leverage common challenges to pull families apart (Ephesians 6:12). Instead, we leveraged the hard season as an opportunity to care for one another in Christ, which drew us closer together.
Here’s a handful of questions we would ask each other with a gentle heart:
Is there anything you’d like to add to our shared moving to-do list?
What has been your favorite memory of living here?
Is there something you wish we were doing better in the move?
How can we help the next part of the transition be easier for the kids? (Or ask your kids directly.)
What’s something you wish we did more of here?
What can we do together as a couple (or family) to make this move less stressful and more enjoyable?
What are your hopes and dreams for our new home and neighborhood?
Can we pray together in gratitude and need?
Our twins were babies. But if your kids are old enough, consider engaging with them on these questions too. Growing up, it meant much to me to have my parents make me feel a part of the transition process.
4. Receive help from your community.
As we experienced during our wedding, friends and family come in clutch during any transition, especially moving. I never knew we were surrounded by loved ones who carried a commercial driver’s license with a trucking background until I expressed a need to move a truck during our relocation. More so, the number of people who advised us to pace ourselves during a move came in handy.
It is popular to think those in our community can only provide physical assistance with packing, lifting, and moving stuff to save money. However, their emotional support can be a gift too. Whether lending an ear to listen to your concerns, offering encouragement, or simply being there to share a laugh, having your tribe by your side makes the whole experience less overwhelming.
So with wide open arms, embrace the support from your community, lean on them when needed, and let them be a source of strength and comfort during this transition.
5. Put the good in goodbye.
Saying goodbye to old friends and family when we moved was tough. Of course, it’s completely normal to feel a mix of emotions, including sadness, nostalgia, and even hesitations about your family moving.
Our little family shared countless memories, laughter, and tears with these loved ones, and leaving them behind was heart-wrenching. But we remembered change is a part of life. We were excited about our next phase of life, and as difficult as it may be, it also opens up new doors of opportunity and growth. Though new doors were opening, here are a few ways we walked away from old doors in love:
When we could, we wrote “see-you-later cards,” expressing our gratitude to the relationships that meant much to us (individuals at our church, our neighbors, pediatricians, family, and friends).
We considered throwing a get-together, but we’re heavier on the introverted side as a family. Instead, we had small dinners with a few families individually to spend intentional time with them before we moved. Some dinners were out at our house, some at theirs.
When we arrived at our new home, we grabbed some postcards of our new city and sent them out to let our loved ones know we had arrived safely. They loved them, and it served as a transitioning way to keep in contact. Now, we write letters!
Moving to a new place can easily be one of the most challenging situations a family can go through. At the time, our twins were 7 months old, and we’d never experienced moving before. Still, as we began embracing the adventure ahead, embracing the awkwardness of being in limbo, embracing the rough patches as opportunities to care more for one another, we began embracing joy in tough times, seeing more beauty in the plan God had for our journey.
Experiencing our family moving became a lesson of embracing change, stepping out in faith, and embracing God.
Now we’re at a stage of making this new place we live feel like home, and it’s challenging too. But we’re grateful, because we’re remembering God is in control no matter where we move. He reminds us that He is here and everywhere. I can’t lie and say our family moving has been easy, but I’ve loved embracing God and witnessing Him come through beyond our comprehension. He’s the same God we’ll trust to lead us in finding a new church.
Ashford Sonii is a writer for FamilyLife. He enjoys ministry, learning, and communicating practical life applications of God’s Word within marriage, family, and how to walk with Jesus. Ashford and his wife, Olivia, currently live in North Carolina with their twin girls, Ivey and Oakley.
A question I frequently get about my work at FamilyLife is: What brought you into family ministry as an unmarried woman? This is an understandable question, since I’m not and have never been a wife or a mother, though I hope to be.
The temptation, then, might be for me to believe that my crucial role in the family doesn’t begin until I find a husband and start “my own” family. And truthfully? That’s a temptation I’ve fallen into believing many times.
I also have friends who sense the Lord calling them to long-term singleness, just as clearly as they sensed Him calling them to their careers, their church, or other ways they glorify God. What is their role in the family?
Before I answer these questions, I want to set something straight.
Married or unmarried, you have an irreplaceable role to play
In case you’re one to skim over subtitles, let me say it again: Your involvement in your family matters. Your singleness does not exclude you from the crucial role God has placed you in within your family.
I think sometimes we feel most comfortable putting unmarried people in their own category. Most churches have a family ministry, and some have a singles ministry. These contextualized ministries are meant to help people connect with others in their season of life and to get the most relevant resources and connections into their hands. This is good and necessary.
But it is equally good and necessary for us all to remember that singles need to actively participate in the family. It’s OK for a single person to enjoy their independence, but not to the point of isolation. Singles have a lot to give and a lot to learn from spending time with families, especially their own. Our marital status is just one way we can be part of a family—we’ve each had a role to play from the moment we were born.
If you’re a Christian, you gained a new role in the family the day you got saved. If you aren’t a Christian, I hope this article inspires you to grow closer to your family and that you will also consider what it would mean to belong to God’s family.
Singles and their biological or adopted families
What comes to mind when you think about your role in the family? Maybe you think about being a son or daughter, sister or brother, grandson or granddaughter, niece or nephew, aunt or uncle, etc.
But what does it look like to actually live out these roles?
It looks like making an active investment in your family member’s life. What are some ways that person might feel cared for? How might God want to use you (your personality, abilities, etc.) in your family member’s life? How can you learn from one another?
You might be wondering, will my presence really make that much of a difference? Think back to a time when a family member’s kind gesture or words of wisdom really impacted you. Do you believe you can have that same impact on others?
If being part of your family has been a difficult or painful experience, perhaps God wants to use you to start a new legacy—to be that safe person, that example of Jesus to others. God may want to use your specific ways of relating and encouraging to lead a family member to Him.
A special note: I want to recognize that not every family is safe. If you come from a physically and/or emotionally abusive household, God grieves with you. Your safety is of utmost importance, and we encourage you to call the National Domestic Violence hotline (800-799-7233) if you are in a dangerous situation.
Singles and their spiritual family
Spiritual family is not a type of pseudo-family or a term we should only bring out when talking about singleness. No, according to the Lord Himself, our spiritual family is the deepest form of family we have.
We see Jesus live out this reality when His mother and brothers want to speak with Him while He’s teaching. Rather than going to them, Jesus gestures to the crowd He’s speaking to and says, “Here are my mother and my brothers” (Matthew 12:46-50).
I used to find this story very confusing. Was Jesus being rude to His own family? But in verse 50, Jesus says, “Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” You see, Jesus is honoring God’s purpose for Him in that present moment: ministering to His spiritual family.
I believe God has divine responsibilities for unmarried people to live out in both their biological and their spiritual families. You have a unique contribution to make by using your skills and passions to serve your church and community. Are we treating our place in God’s spiritual family as eternally significant?
The Bible is essentially the story of God inviting us into His family. In the Old Testament, you were a child of God if you were born into a tribe of Israel. But in the New Testament, Christ makes it possible for anyone to become a child of God by accepting His death and resurrection on our behalf. Believers are no longer born as children of God but are adopted into His family (Ephesians 1:5; Romans 8:15). Because of Christ, Jews and Gentiles alike can now “cry out, Abba, Father!”
Starting in Acts, Scripture focuses more on the church and how Christians are to love and relate to one another. In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, believers are instructed to treat other church members as family.
I know this might be tough to hear, but sometimes you need to be the one to make the first move, whether it’s making that phone call or offering support and a listening ear to an exhausted parent. Maybe it’s organizing a meal train for a couple who just had a baby or is dealing with an injury or illness. Or maybe it’s showing up to watch your niece or nephew perform in the school play.
It’s a matter of giving but also receiving. According to Proverbs 27:17 (NLT), “As iron sharpens iron; so a friend sharpens a friend.” God wants to use these relationships to teach both of you.
I’m grateful to have friends in different walks of life, whether they’re unmarried or married, a parent, and/or an empty nester. So, if you admire someone in your life for their role in the family, let them know. Maybe it’s a text or quick comment, or maybe you could ask them to grab coffee with you.
Whether you’re reaching out or being invited in, your participation in your family and the family of God is so needed. You have a job to do, in your biological family and in your community. You have people to serve and be served by, people to grow with and experience life with.
Your involvement in the family is so significant because our relationships were designed to demonstrate the love of Christ to the world. Your family relationships can encourage people who don’t yet know God. They might even be the avenue through which you came (or may come) to know the Lord. They can also be the supportive anchor you need as you step out in faith to love others.
The influence an unmarried person can have on the families in his or her community is demonstrated clearly in how FamilyLife first got started. Our ministry began because of the burden God placed on a single woman’s heart.
That single woman is Ney Bailey. She saw families serving in ministry but not prioritizing their relationships with each other. Her strong conviction that something needed to change, along with the efforts of staff like Dave and Sande Sunde, Don Meredith, and Dennis and Barbara Rainey sparked the beginnings of the Weekend to Remember®, which grew to become FamilyLife.
Thank goodness Ney Bailey saw God had a role for her to play to influence the families in her corner and all around the world. God used her to not only transform families but to inspire single people like me to serve in family ministry.
As a single person, you have a unique role to play in your family. So, how can you further invest in the family God has placed you in?
Alex McMurray works as a Service Coordinator at UPMC Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She recently relocated from Orlando, where she served with FamilyLife as a content writer from 2020-2023. She graduated from Cedarville University with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a concentration in child and family studies. In her free time, she enjoys having deep conversations over coffee, playing board games, and adventuring outdoors. You can read more of her content at alexmcmurraywrites.com or follow her on Instagram @alex_mcmurray_.
Do you struggle to spend intentional time with your family? We get it. As the holiday season kicks into high gear, we realize time together does not always equal quality time. So before Christmas shopping, holiday programs, and grandma’s sweet potato casserole dominate your calendar, we pulled together our favorite seasonal to-dos in this fall bucket list.
This list was created with you in mind (well, us too) to help your family create more memories and spend time together over the next few weeks. Simple ideas to help you reach your community and each other as the air turns crisp and leaves display their brightest hues (or, depending on where you live, you just pretend).
Happy fall!
Family fall bucket list
1. Create a thankful jar.
Each day, have each member of the family think about something they’re grateful for. At the end of the month, look back and see all the blessings God provided.
2. Make caramel apples.
Cover your favorite apple with caramel and decorate with your favorite toppings. Or for an easier treat, slice apples (or buy ‘em pre-sliced … we won’t judge), slide each onto a mini-skewer, and dip in caramel.
Find a neighbor that would be blessed to have the leaves raked out of their yard, and show your kids that even the smallest of hands can pitch in to make a big difference.
5. Volunteer at a food bank/soup kitchen/homeless shelter.
Before those hands start writing out Christmas lists, remind them it’s better to give than receive. The lessons they’ll learn will last far longer than the latest gaming system.
6. Take packaged treats to a neighbor.
Take treats to a neighbor with a fun note just to brighten their day. Have the kids decorate sugar cookies in the shape of leaves, throw together a fun snack mix, or show off your best pumpkin recipe. Pie, anyone?
7. Try a new soup recipe as a family.
On a cold day, a great bowl of soup can feel like a warm hug (maybe gazpacho for you warm weather folks). Find that recipe you have been wanting to try and make it together. Kids can help measure, dice veggies, or take turns stirring.
8. Take a nature walk.
This time of year can be so beautiful! Take a few minutes to enjoy nature and God’s creation! Prepare a scavenger hunt for kids to find things like acorns, heart-shaped rocks, or animal tracks along the way.
9. Make a pine-cone bird feeder.
Help feed the birds with a simple pine cone, peanut butter, and bird seed. Watching them eat can bring hours of joy!
10. Jump in a pile of leaves.
Release your inner child! Make a big pile of leaves then jump in them as a family.
11. Decorate placemats for Thanksgiving dinner.
Have your children make placemats for each person joining you. See if they can personalize them based on what they know of each person.
12. Make blessing bags for homeless people.
Pack gallon-sized zip-top bags with toiletries, snack-size treats, warm globes, bottled water, or other useful items to hand out when you see a homeless person and help spread a little cheer.
13. Take blankets and hot cocoa outdoors to star gaze.
There is something about a cool, crisp night and looking at stars that is so peaceful. Take a few minutes out of your day to enjoy God’s creation with the family!
14. Visit a corn maze.
If your area offers one, gather the kids and see how fast you can make it out of the maze. Warning: A lot of places offer scarier versions at night.
15. Have a fall-favorites party.
Invite a few of your favorite people over, and ask each family to bring their favorite fall treat: hot apple cider (with red hots, of course), their slightly famous chili, pumpkin bread, whatever says “fall” to them.
There’s a question we want you and your fiancé to soberly consider: “Are we going in the same spiritual direction?” In other words, are both of you authentic Christians who are pursuing God and spiritual maturity?
What does it mean to be equally yoked?
Because marriage is a spiritual relationship, your spiritual compatibility will influence the quality of your relationship more than any other factor. Consider this passage from 2 Corinthians 6:14–15:
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
Most of us are only familiar with egg yolks, so this passage can sound pretty strange. A yoke is a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals (typically oxen) and attached to a plow or cart that they pull as a team.
According to Deuteronomy 22:10, God’s people weren’t allowed to yoke, say, a donkey and an ox, because if one animal was stronger than the other, one was often pulling the weight while the other couldn’t keep up. Plus the plow would cut through the ground erratically, and sometimes ineffectively, because the two animals were out of sync. It was an inhumane match of ability and disposition that didn’t lead to a team being happy and effective in their work together.
The challenges of being unequally yoked
Tracking with this metaphor, if Jesus is at the center of your life, why would you want to be hitched to someone who has nothing in common with you spiritually? If you are “unequally yoked” in your marriage, sooner or later you’ll pull against each other, and that will lead to heartbreak, grief, and frustration.
Second Corinthians 6:14–15 warns Christians about building their lives with someone who has clashing values and goals. Building relationships on God’s values, trust, and love is essential.
Another warning is given in James: “Do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God” (James 4:4 NASB).
Trust me, it can be hard enough to prevent our hearts from being lured into “loving the world” (being controlled by pride, greed, and divisiveness) even when your spouse is also pursuing God and encouraging you. God created marriage, and its maximum satisfaction can only be found when you both have a growing relationship with Him.
When Christians marry non-Christians, they usually experience a growing, unique frustration after marriage because:
They are unable to discuss the most precious, intimate part of their life with their spouse.
They often have conflicting goals and expectations.
They may clash over the values they teach their kids.
They will likely have differing circles of friends.
They can have difficulty communicating and resolving conflict because of different core values in their lives.
If one of you is a Christ follower and the other is not, you need to consider how deeply this will affect your marriage. It’s bigger than a hobby you wish your spouse enjoyed: Following Jesus imprints itself into every aspect of our lives.
“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (1 John 2:15).
You may both have decided to follow Christ, but if one of you is more focused on loving the world rather than loving God, you will experience many of the same conflicts as a Christian and non-Christian. Your goals and values will differ. Your lives are going in different directions, serving different bosses.
If you are both growing in Christ, however, you’ll be able to experience a particular exhilaration and teamwork in your marriage.
Growing together
“What is God’s will for my life?” Many people ask this very good question at various points in their lives. But an even better question would be, “How does my life fit into God’s will and what He’s already doing in the world?”
The second question shifts the focus to the appropriate place—onto God instead of ourselves. It assumes that God is moving and working in the world, and that He’s most important. He is in charge, and whatever He calls us to do, we do, knowing that He will care for us along the way.
Of course, it’s impossible to say how God will actually care for us along the way, since everyone’s life is different, but it’s safe to trust that He will. He’s already working and active in this world, and you and your fiancé will want to repeatedly consider, “How is our marriage fitting into God’s will, which is to ultimately bring God glory?”
It’s critical that you as a couple pursue spiritual growth together alongside your individual growth. Personal growth with the Lord often looks like private time alone with God, reading Scripture, prayer, worship, etc. Spiritual maturity as a couple, however, is something that can be a bit more challenging because there are two people involved with two sets of ideas, preferences, struggles, and ways of processing growth.
You’ll find, though, that growing together spiritually as a married couple is one of the most refreshing and rewarding experiences you can have. Deepening your relationship with the Lord alongside your best friend for years upon years is one of the most generous gifts God gives.
Collective growth as a married couple can look different ways: studying a book of the Bible together, reading a Christian book together and discussing it, praying together, exercising hospitality, listening to or watching sermons together and then sharing your notes and thoughts, etc. There are so many ways a married couple can discover new heights of spiritual development alongside each other—they simply need to collectively commit to it, stay disciplined in the process, and ask the Spirit of God to create the growth in their lives together.
God Himself makes it possible
When it comes to our goals for consistent spiritual growth and development, we can lack the power to persevere. But with God all things are possible (Genesis 18:14; Matthew 19:26; Luke 1:37).
As Christians, we trust God to work in us and bring life to the dead and weak areas of our lives. And even though buckling down and trying harder isn’t the answer, we do have a role in our spiritual growth. In the same way you can’t make sleep come at night, you can still lie there with the lights off—putting yourself in a good position for it to come. We cooperate with Him through obedience and trust. Understanding and living this out will change your life and your marriage.
David and Meg Robbins are passionate about helping people integrate faith and family and equipping them to make a difference in their local communities. David became the President of FamilyLife in 2017. The Robbins have served together in a variety of ministry roles through the years, working primarily with the rising generation in Western Europe, Atlanta, and New York City. David and Meg, married in 2001, currently live in Orlando, Florida, with their four children.
Millennials are the emerging generation, and they are coming of age. Hear what we can learn from these maturing young adults according to David Robbins and Emerson Eggerichs.
with David Robbins, Emerson Eggerichs | February 17, 2018
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Emma Jenkins and Jordan Whitmer are emerging from Generation Z, and have a passion for reaching their generation for Christ. Hear what they are doing with and for their peers, for the sake of the gospel.
with Emma Jenkins, Jordan Whitmer | October 20, 2018
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How can you know God’s will when you are facing a radical life change? Voddie Baucham says re-evaluate your objectives in life, and God will show you from there. He outlines how to follow God’s leading
Imagine your life as an open book on YouTube. Harold and Rachel Earls, co-authors of the book, “A Higher Calling,” share how God moved them from doing YouTube videos as just a fun hobby to making a difference as missionaries to the world.
FamilyLife Today®
YouTube Missionaries
with Harold and Rachel Earls | November 25, 2020
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What’s the difference between those who say they’re Christians and actual followers of Jesus? Author Dean Inserra walks us through descriptors of cultural Christians, and why these miss the mark.
“What’s it look like to love my community?” Don Everts helps you get intentional about your relationship to your neighborhood, caring in ways that matter.
FamilyLife Today®
Don Everts: What’s it Look Like to Love My Community?
with Don Everts | July 26, 2022
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In today’s world, it’s easy to doubt we have what it takes to reach our neighbors for Christ. On FamilyLife Today, authors Chris and Elizabeth McKinney debunk that myth and talk with hosts Dave and Ann Wilson about discovering God’s purpose for where He’s placed us.
FamilyLife Today®
Radically Ordinary Hospitality
with Chris and Elizabeth McKinney | April 2, 2021
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Sure, we want to “love our neighbors.” But what does it look like to love the actual neighbors who live around us? Authors Chris and Elizabeth McKinney explain how to practice the art of neighboring.
FamilyLife Today®
Neighboring
with Chris and Elizabeth McKinney | April 1, 2021
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In a “connected” world, do you feel more disconnected than ever? Author Jennie Allen knows the sweeping power of isolation. She’ll help you find your people.
Wondering if you have what it takes to reach out your neighbors? Chris and Elizabeth McKinney show you how you can–and chat about God’s purpose for where He’s placed us.
FamilyLife Today®
Don Everts: Why Community is Important
with Don Everts | July 25, 2022
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So few of us really “see” people, giving them our time and presence. Author Carolyn Lacey discusses welcoming non-Christians into our lives like God does.
FamilyLife Today®
Carolyn Lacey: How to See People
with Carolyn Lacey | July 5, 2022
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Hospitality sounds exhausting. But author Carolyn Lacey knows hospitality can be extraordinary and oh-so-ordinary, welcoming people as God welcomes us.
How can I approach someone who needs to hear some truth for their life, but they don't know it?
Leading Dynamic Small Groups
When should I encourage someone to find a counselor?
“I want to step up at home—but I have no idea what I’m doing!” FamilyLife President David Robbins talks about how to be the spiritual leader of your family.
FamilyLife Today®
David Robbins: How to Be the Spiritual Leader of Your Family
with David Robbins | June 17, 2022
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You want to be a leader at home but what’s that even look like? FamilyLife President David Robbins helps you step in and lead in the way you’re wired.
FamilyLife Today®
David Robbins: A Leader at Home: Where Do I start?
with David Robbins | June 16, 2022
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What if you were charitable, kind, and quick to listen in your faith conversations? Author and professor Tim Meulhoff makes the case for compassionate understanding of those we disagree with.
Real Life Loading ...
Disagreeing Without Being a Jerk: Tim Muehlhoff
with Tim Muehlhoff | March 17, 2023
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How do I talk to and about blended families?
What can our entire church do to strategically care for blended families?
How do we start helping blended families? Where should I start?
Can I make blended families feel included in my small group, church education, and/or sermons?
Why should my church consider having a family ministry?
How can I use premarital and marriage assessments to improve the way I help others?
How can I offer practical help to blended families that is designed just for them?
What can I do to respond to people in crisis?
Should I say "stepfamily" or "blended family?"
How can my work to help marriages adapt to include blended families?
How can I help non-nuclear families feel seen and included?
What does the Bible say about birth control? On FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson host theologian Wayne Grudem, who explores God’s Word about tricky ethics surrounding contraception and fertility.
FamilyLife Today®
Wayne Grudem: What Does the Bible Say About Birth Control?
with Wayne Grudem | September 9, 2022
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Author Albert Hsu is a suicide survivor. He didn’t try to take his own life, but he has grieved his own father’s suicide. Hsu remembers his brilliant 58-year old father, an electrical engineer by trade, who had been stricken with a stroke just three months prior to his suicide. He recalls his father’s battle with clinical depression and his lost sense of hope as he fought for normalcy in rehab. Hsu talks about the effect his father’s suicide had on their family and gives us a first-hand look at this complicated loss.
FamilyLife Today®
Complicated Grief
with Albert Hsu | October 4, 2018
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Ron Deal and Michelle Hill talk about the grieving process and how to care for yourself and others you know who may be grieving.
FamilyLife This Week®
Suffering in Silence
with Jonathan Edwards, Matthew Arbo, Ron Deal | August 13, 2022
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What is forgiveness? What isn’t it? Join us on the journey of biblical forgiveness with Leslie Leyland Fields, Voddie Baucham, and Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth.
FamilyLife This Week®
The Journey of Forgiveness
with Leslie Leyland Fields, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, Voddie Baucham | August 10, 2019
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“My wife had a miscarriage. Why do I feel so lost?” Eric Schumacher recounts the grief in his own marriage and how ultimately, trauma brought them closer.
FamilyLife Today®
Eric Schumacher: “My Wife Had a Miscarriage”…We Both Did
with Eric Schumacher | August 2, 2022
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Charmaine Porter shares candidly with Michelle Hill how she has processed her own discontent with being single, and how the church has–or has not–been helpful in her struggle.
FamilyLife This Week®
Charmaine Porter: Addressing Discontent for Singles
with Charmaine Porter | July 23, 2022
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If God is real, why do we suffer? Author Paul Miller proposes a new framework for life’s losses—and revolutionizes the way we see God in our pain.
FamilyLife Today®
Paul Miller: If God is Real, Why Do We Suffer?
with Paul Miller | July 18, 2022
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Matt Chandler, Tiffany Lee, Chip Ingram, and Tim Muehlhoff address the dynamics involved in conflict, and coach us toward resolution and closer relationships in the aftermath.
FamilyLife This Week®
Resolving Conflict in Relationships
with Chip Ingram, Matt Chandler, Tim Muehlhoff | July 9, 2022
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We have a God who has been tempted in every way, but without sin. Trillia Newbell talks about a biblical view of eating disorders, so that young men and women will know it is OK to discuss their problems to get the help they need.
FamilyLife Today®
Shedding Light on Eating Disorders
with Trillia Newbell | October 11, 2016
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Parenting their sons’ autism, Sho Baraka and his wife Patreece felt blindsided—including a loss of dreams & sense of failure. On FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson talk with the Barakas about how God met them in their shame.
FamilyLife Today®
Sho and Patreece Baraka: Raising Kids on the Autism Spectrum
with Sho and Patreece Baraka | August 12, 2022
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God is good, even when life presents challenges. Dr. Laura Hendrickson, a mother of an adult autistic son, shares what she’s learned about autism over the years and explains what treatments were helpful to her son during his development.
Did you know that 1 in 6 children have some form of learning disability and some form of developmental disability, according to the CDC? Dr. Stephanie Holmes is a professional counselor and mom to a child with autism and talks with Ron Deal to give tips, understanding, and perspective on raising kids with autism in a blended family.
Rosaria Butterfield illustrates how “radically ordinary hospitality” can be a bridge for bringing the gospel to friends and neighbors who don’t know Jesus.
How do you help a child or stepchild who feels lost, or angry, or who really fights against the family? And what if their anger or hurt is justified—and you deserve it, but everyone else doesn’t? In this episode, Ron Deal speaks with Danny Huerta, Vice President of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family, about parenting troubled children in a stepfamily.
Stepcouples hope and pray they can have peaceful relations with their former spouses, and it is possible. But for some couples, no matter how much they try, the venom and vitriol of the former spouse drowns out all reason and compromise. Rodney and Lisa Webb, and counselor and therapist Helen Wheeler share their difficult blended journey.
6: Challenging Co-Parent Situations and Parent Alienation
with Helen Wheeler, Rodney and Lisa Webb | April 29, 2019
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In a culture of outrage, how can we bring a conflict back from boiling over?
FamilyLife Today®
De-Escalating A Conflict
with Scott Sauls | September 9, 2020
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When Phil Waldrep’s friend betrayed him—again—bowled him over. Waldrep walks us through betrayal’s stages of grief.
FamilyLife Today®
Stages of Grief Over Betrayal
with Phil Waldrep | September 15, 2020
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Because we are such an “informed” society, we can mistakenly think we already know what another person thinks. Tim Muehlhoff and Rick Langer show us effective ways to really listen and hear what others are saying.
FamilyLife Today®
Hearing One Another
with Rick Langer, Tim Muehlhoff | July 20, 2021
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Guiding someone having trouble seeing eye to eye with family? Expressing deep convictions can be challenging in many families, but Tim Muehlhoff and Rick Langer share a simple method to do so with empathy.
FamilyLife Today®
Seeing Eye To Eye
with Rick Langer, Tim Muehlhoff | July 19, 2021
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Recently, a mom brought her 14-year-old daughter into my (Freda) Ob/Gyn clinic after just finding out that the girl was sexually active. In taking her sexual history I learned that the young lady had actually started having sex when she was 12 and in the two years since had 14 different partners. When I questioned her about the number of partners, her response was “Well, I only have sex with my boyfriend.”
Our popular culture had led her to believe that it was okay to have sex at 12 or 14 as long as you have a relationship with the person, and for her, it was okay because each guy she had sex with was, at the time, her “boyfriend.”
Now you can play it forward, as I did, and do the math and see how many partners she would have by 18 because obviously these relationships were not long term. So, it was instructive for me to talk to her and her mother about what this would mean to her body physically, psychologically and emotionally. And I had the scientific information to back it up.
One of the important things I had to help the mother understand was that studies have shown that parents are the most influential voice in the decisions of their children. I told the mother that she was actually abdicating her responsibility by bringing her daughter in, asking me to “help her to do what she is doing safely.” Instead, I asked the mother to think about “What is it that you desire for your daughter? What is it that you want to see her do?” Then I asked her to have that conversation with her daughter.
Unknown risks
Parents always find it hard to talk to children about sex. If they have a past of multiple sexual partners, it makes it doubly hard for them to talk to them, especially to give them good guidance—the kind of guidance that will lead them away from being involved sexually until they get married. But that past can also be their credibility. They don’t want their children to make the mistakes they have made.
For a young woman or young man with that kind of a history, the risk of sexually transmitted diseases is obviously very high. But there are also other emotional or physical risks that parents and children both need to be aware of that come with being sexually active outside of marriage as a teenager.
For example, when we do anything exciting, a hormone called dopamine is released in our brain that makes us feel like the world is good, that we have been a success. This hormone makes us want to repeat that activity.
Dopamine is necessary for us because it is what gives kids this excitement about leaving home and taking the huge risk of going out and being independent adults, which is a necessary part of growing up. But that hormone also can be negative because if a kid, for example, enjoys speeding at 100 miles an hour down a twisted road, he gets a dopamine kick for that, too. And the dopamine makes him want to repeat it.
When any of us have sexual intercourse, we have a huge outpouring of dopamine into our brains. It is released when a married couple has sex, which makes them want to repeat the sexual act which then allows them to get pregnant and have babies. But for the unmarried kid it makes him want to repeat that sexual act again and again. It is the same hormone that is secreted with addiction to drugs and nicotine.
Emotionally attached
Another thing teens may not understand is that even with one act of intercourse they will be emotionally attached to the person they are having intercourse with, and that these attachments can last a lifetime. During sexual intercourse, in the female brain there are more receptors for oxytocin, and in the male brain there are more receptors for vasopressin. Both hormones cause the person to feel emotionally attached to the other, even with just one act of intercourse.
So those in a relationship not only have the dopamine that rewards them for the repeating of the act, but also the oxytocin and the vasopressin that makes them feel attached. Thus, we have the name of our book Hooked. You become attached, addicted, bonded to each other.
In marriage, that is a good thing because you will stay attached to each other. Children are reproduced and you bond to those children, care for them, and help them grow up and our human race survives. But if you are 14 years old and have had 14 partners, and are still attached in some way to all 14 of them, you create problems.
All of this results in actual physical changes in the brain. When these hormones flow and send their impulses, they dramatically affect connections or synapses between the neurons in the brain. Those synapses actually are strengthened when we repeat a behavior or they are weakened when we stop. So, when you repeatedly attach and unattach with multiple sexual partners you actually weaken the ability to stay connected. Studies have shown that when people have had multiple sexual partners before marriage they are more likely to divorce because they actually weaken the pathways that are necessary to attach at the deep and necessary emotional level important for marriage.
The immature brain
One of the reasons parents are so important during their children’s adolescent years is because the Prefrontal Cortex – the part of the brain where we make rational decisions and where dopamine has its greatest influence – is not fully mature until the mid-twenties. Teenagers are not brain damaged. It’s just that they are not mature, and any parent of a teenager knows exactly what we are talking about. The growth of these synapses is increased before birth and again when they are in pre-puberty. Then, between puberty and the mid-twenties, the hardwiring is molded and “set” in its mature condition.
So, these adolescents need the judgment of parents to help them through those years with decisions about the future and to consider the consequences that they cannot fully see for themselves. Otherwise these mechanisms we have described as so important for marriage become a trap—an ambush of brain molding and a habit of behavior that can hurt them in ways they cannot imagine, not just for a few months but often for a lifetime.
We find that in every bit of this science we have looked at—the neuroscience, diseases, and so forth—that human beings are designed to be with one other person sexually and monogamously for life. The use of the term “design” calls to mind the intelligent design of God, but it is so amazing that even the secular reproductive anthropologists who would disagree with much of what we’ve said here use the word.
Based on the most modern neuroscience, sex is a whole body experience. The brain is the biggest and most important sex organ of the body. All these hormones in the brain and all these synapses that influence our habits and our patterns of living were designed by God so that we can be connected to one person for a lifetime in marriage.
As parents, that is our assignment: to guide our children so they can experience the very best thing that God has for them.
Families are changing. Non-traditional families are now considered traditional. As churches, how do we continue to meet the needs of complex families and serve them well? Listen to Ron Deal’s conversation with three senior pastors on why and how churches can love all families, despite the narrative of their past.
with Bryan Carter, Dave Wilson, Rob Bugh | August 15, 2022
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What does the Bible teach about divorce and remarriage? How do we consider Truth and Grace when we apply it to God’s people? Listen to Ron Deal’s conversation with Dr. Rubel Shelly on a subject that’s hard to understand in Scripture and often disagreed upon in Christian circles.
Wondering if there’s more to life than the daily grind of expectations and demand? Podcaster Ashley Hales shares how to slow down and escape the hustle.
God is always working in our lives. But many times, we just don’t see it. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and her husband, Robert, remind us that we have a Father in heaven who is so good and faithful. Even if your loved one has turned their back on Him, continue to entrust that child or loved one to the One who knows and loves them best.
FamilyLife Today®
Believing for Our Prodigals
with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, Robert Wolgemuth | January 9, 2020
Who is “the one” for you? Jonathan “JP” Pokluda answers this question and outlines specific things to look for and to avoid when seeking “the one” to marry.
FamilyLife Today®
Seeking a Spouse
with Jonathan Pokluda | July 8, 2021
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Pastor Ed Underwood shares what he’s learned about God and life while battling chronic leukemia.
How can a couple restore trust in the area of sexual brokenness (pornography, affairs, etc.)? Licensed sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma joins host Brian Goins and Shaunti Feldhahn to instruct husbands and wives on the necessary steps to take to bring the darkness into the light and tenaciously hold on to the God of hope.
Married With Benefits™
7. How can I restore trust after pornography or an affair?
with Brian Goins, Michael Sytsma, Shaunti Feldhahn | June 1, 2020
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We want to help our kids with their anxiety, but how? Sissy Goff talks about when our children might need counseling, the voices that speak into their lives, and the hope we have in the Lord.
FamilyLife Today®
Parenting Kids With Anxiety
with Sissy Goff | August 25, 2021
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How should a person handle depression? Christian counselors Ed Welch, author of Depression: A Stubborn Darkness, and Leslie Vernick, author of Getting Over the Blues, offer some helpful suggestions for walking through depression.
FamilyLife Today®
Strategies for Dealing With Depression
with Ed Welch, Leslie Vernick | July 14, 2011
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Depression is affecting an increasing number of families. Christian counselor and practicing physician Dr. Charles Hodges explains the difference between depression and normal sadness, and helps us look at emotional pain through a biblical grid.
FamilyLife Today®
The Why of Depression
with Charles Hodges | May 23, 2017
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There are times when our pain seems unbearable. Lysa TerKeurst talks honestly about how some of her deepest pain affected her life, and how the blood of Jesus not only covered it, but became her anthem to help others.
FamilyLife Today®
Enough Suffering
with Lysa TerKeurst | August 30, 2021
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My teen years landed smack in the middle of purity culture’s best intentions—which admittedly got a lot of things right, but a lot of things wrong. I was warned of time alone in a car with a boy. Hasty emotional attachment. The power of cleavage.
But if I were to visit my younger self, I’d focus on a more significant complication: my identity.
No, I didn’t sleep with someone before marriage, and I’m perpetually grateful. Purity, and specifically sexual purity, are unquestionably found in the Bible as a vital part of sexual integrity (see 1 Thessalonians 4:3,7-8; 1 Timothy 4:12; 2 Timothy 2:22; Titus 2:4-6, Matthew 5:8, and others). But, as I learned to ignore my body, I was also wooed by a near eating disorder. The emphasis on good behavior reinforced my top-of-class performance as a human doormat, and my insatiable hunger for validation from boys and other Christians. Sexual purity became a spiritual barometer. So moral performance welded itself to my sense of worth, even in God’s eyes (or so I thought). I quickly chose a shiny exterior.
Maybe your experience growing up was like mine. I was good at obeying, but I was poor at thinking critically. When it came to sex and dating, I faithfully drank the Kool Aid of formulaic, fear-based interpretations of God’s Word.
Convictions were easier for me to establish than a sense of worth. And the resulting undertow proved perilous.
Maybe identity and sex were mixed up for you in a completely different way. You may have felt like damaged goods, internalizing and maybe acting from profound shame. Or maybe the gaping holes in your soul led to serial dating, belittling others, or fear of relationships altogether.
Sex, lies, and sieves
Don’t miss this: To kids flailing to understand who they are, a misled sense of identity can undermine our efforts for their sexual integrity. And even a pursuit of sexual purity can reinforce performance-tinged lies about identity.
I believe God wanted to speak love and worth to my soul as His daughter (Zephaniah 3:17). He longed to develop deep roots grounding me not in my uprightness, but in his love (Ephesians 3:14-19).
But I couldn’t hear Him, couldn’t fill up on that satisfying love. And in that loss and instability, approval, control, and performance seemed like the meal replacements I was starving for (see Isaiah 55:1-3). My insecurity’s imbalance led to flirtatiousness and gaps I longed to have occupied by guys.
Pastor Henri Nouwen said we believe three lies about why we’re valuable:
I am what I do. (I’m talented, helpful, or unique.)
I am what others say or think about me. (I’m loved or respected.)
I am what I have. (I want control, comfort, or safety. I have family, friends, possessions, or reputation.)
These lies taunt us every day—inflating the balloon of our ego when everything works out, deflating us when it doesn’t. Tragically, these lies never deliver fulfillment.
As a parent, I see that I carry some of my own gaps on to my kids. (Even our kids’ success or failure on the sexual journey impacts a parent’s sense of worth!)
Which of Nouwen’s lies are most tempting to your kids? To you?
You are more than this: Shaping an identity that protects
It’s like God’s words in Jeremiah 2:13 imply: “My people have committed a compound sin: they’ve walked out on me, the fountain of fresh flowing waters, and then dug cisterns—cisterns that leak, cisterns that are no better than sieves” (MSG).
God gives us and our kids unchanging, solid value. He tugs us out of the daily courtroom determining our worth. Because:
You don’t have to keep wearing yourself out! He whispers.You bear My own image, and you are deeply loved. It’s who you are. It’s why you matter.
Not their likes on social media, sexual orientation, or superior moral choices.
And His is the only voice in the universe worthy of naming us. This truth, spoken by the Word, can be invalidated by nothing. We must only receive it, rejecting false selves.
What can healthy identity messages around sex sound like?
I can tie my kids’ sexual identity to what Jesus has said about them and done for them by communicating truths like these:
Even if you mess up, Jesus has done enough.
We’re all broken sexually. You don’t have to pretend to be morally “clean.” It’s Jesus who makes us holy, not you coming to Him with all the boxes checked.
God made your body and emotions. You can listen to what they’re saying and bring that to Him. Both your body and emotions communicate valuable information (including about what isn’t safe)! Hating your body, emotions, or self isn’t holy. You are loved by God as you are.
When something makes you feel “dirty,” guilty, or bad, you can run toward God, bringing Him everything. God accepts us because of Jesus.
You don’t need to be the attractive person. The unique person. The popular person. The desired person. The person with someone on their arm. You are already precious to God.
You don’t need to stay in a damaging friendship or dating relationship. God declares you valuable and gives you what you need—which they can’t give.
You are a deeply beloved child of God, living among others God loves. You can treat your body, your voice, and every person in your community with honor and respect.
Talking to kids about sex: “Caught” more than taught
Our kids are always watching—and smarter than we think they are, right? Your lived example of identity—your relationship to your own body, how you respond to your own and others’ stories, failures, or successes, what life goals you consider worthy—will be far more powerful than words. Try ways like these for still-in-process parents to show and tell of an identity rooted in God’s love:
Live in a way that shows Jesus is your ultimate identity. Through our words and our lives, we as parents can demonstrate that we wholeheartedly choose to have every affection and identity submit to Jesus as King. Ideally, in our kids, that means they first allow Jesus as both Savior and Master. Yes, their race and gender and interests matter! But they all bow down to Jesus. That identity is better and more fulfilling than aimlessly experimenting with the smorgasbord of available identities. Jesus as King over every affection, every other identity.
This might be demonstrated in the way you respond to your lack of housekeeping perfection or your child not making that audition. It could mean you work at being more present in conversation with your kids than your to-do list. Or that when you work out or choose clothing, it’s because you want to honor God more than vanity or fear. Your child might see it in how you react to conflict—when you lose control, comfort, safety, or someone attempts to dominate you.
Practice your unshocked face. Convey your kids can come to you with anything. From the time kids are small, talk about sex matter-of-factly and with emotional wholeness. Kids gain the idea they can trust us, and they can bring themselves, their issues with friends, and their questions as they are. Without us being horrified by their humanity.
Be the first to apologize when you mess up. Generating a culture of humility, confession, and forgiveness can help remove the pressure of self-righteousness and false pretenses (i.e., false identity). Rather than your perfection as a parent, give kids the idea that we all need Jesus here.
Continue to work toward your own lifelong sexual wholeness. Have pockets of sexual shame or wounding you’ve ignored for years? Is it hard to embrace God’s gift of your body and sexuality because of unbalanced messages from your past? Welcome to the club! Model for your child the courage and conviction needed to keep pursuing healing, freedom, and truth.
Nix the judginess. Your emotional safety is assessed long before it’s tested. Without it, you may lose the relational bridge allowing you to speak into your child’s identity.
Say you have a teen dealing with same-sex attraction. He hears you, in the comfort of your home, berate a guy caught sexting. Or dole out an outspoken opinion on alcohol. If I were in his Nikes, I’m thinking, If they’re convinced a margarita is a sin, I can imagine what they’d say to urges of a more questionable caliber.
This doesn’t mean we don’t discern. Judging others creates “us/them” categories, where one superior category of people condemns the other. Loving discernment remembers we’re all equal at the cross. It offers hope and unity as we bear the burden of sin and weakness together (1 Corinthians 13:7, Galatians 6:1-2).
Love lavishly. On that day your daughter goes all Chernobyl on you? Without being a doormat, maybe she would receive your message of unconditional love via her favorite snack. This restates, Who you are is more than what you do. You are accepted by God when you mess up, and you’re accepted by us.
Identity: Accept no substitutes
Like identifying counterfeit currency, it’s impossible for me to anticipate all future ways the enemy of my kids’ souls may offer fraudulent identities.
The enemy may convince them to find their sense of self in their gender or who they’re attracted to. He may woo them with the effortless false intimacy of pornography. He may attach their worth to their body type, as he did (does) for me.
But with the power of the Holy Spirit, I can consistently direct my kids to the Living Water. Hopefully, they’ll be more likely to identify the taste of lies corrosive to who they are.
Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity®, Art of Parenting®, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids’ Hearts (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her—“The Awkward Mom”—having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.
