5 Red Lights in Dating as a Single Parent

Troy and Meredith had been dating off and on for six years. They had lived together for a time, but were separated when they came to their first session. Both had been married before, but only Meredith had children.

“We’re trying to figure out if we have anything to salvage,” they shared. “We love each other but just don’t seem to like each other very much.” 

Troy had led Meredith to the Lord early in their relationship, and while he saw many changes in her behavior, he couldn’t help but fear her chaotic childhood and how it had turned her to drugs at one point in her life. Even though she had been clean for four years, he told me she still had an addictive personality and he just couldn’t trust her.

Troy and Meredith were experiencing specific flashing yellow lights and, thankfully, were not ignoring them. Despite how intertwined their lives had become over the past six years (which diminishes objectivity and makes us nearsighted), they were heeding the yellow lights and slowing down to ask the hard questions. 

I would encourage you to do the same. 

Red flags in dating as a single parent 

In case you’ve forgotten, a flashing yellow light means proceed with caution. A red light means stop! Here are five red flags in dating as a single parent:

1. Let’s hurry and get married!

I realize that “My life is complete now that I’ve met you. I can’t live without you, let’s get married . . . today!” makes for a great romance novel, but rarely does it make for a lifelong love. This usually indicates the person is desperate, insecure, and emotionally fragile—plus, it increases the chance that the children will feel thrown under the bus and resentful of the marriage.

2. Extreme differences in parenting.

In my experience as a family therapist working with stepfamilies since 1993, I would say that this dynamic is the most common saboteur of blended marriages. Given that, it seems necessary to plainly repeat the caution here: Slow your roll toward marriage if you can’t see eye to eye on parenting; and if you can’t resolve your differences, you likely need to go your separate ways.

3. Someone who can’t on occasion sit in the backseat.

Have you ever tried to have a friendship or relationship with someone who demanded to be the center of attention all the time? It’s not much fun, huh? In a stepfamily, this same person will whine to no end. 

I’ve often said that a blended family is no place for thin-skinned people. It’s also not a place for adults who need to be at the center of the family (I like to call them “center babies”). Everyone in a stepfamily has to take the backseat every once in a while (especially stepparents); doing so helps bring grace to undefined relationships.

4. Horrible ex.

If a difficult ex-spouse is a yellow light, a horrible ex is a red one. You have to decide which it is.

Katy wrote to me saying, “My boyfriend has three boys ages 11, 9, and 4. Every time we make plans, their mom creates some sort of chaos and our plans have to change. I’m sure she does it on purpose.” 

I’m sure you’re right, Katy. And if you think it’s bad now . . . wait till you get married.

5. Pseudo-commitment: settling for cohabitation.

Cohabitation has become so common it has changed the way people date. In many circles it is assumed that dating couples will eventually live together on their way to marriage. In fact, living together for many is considered another way to gauge the seriousness of the relationship; first you live together, then you get engaged. But is cohabitation healthy? No, it’s not.

Cohabitation is not good for kids. For children, “the cohabiting stepfamily is the most dangerous family form in America today.” There are many reasons couples give for cohabiting: saving money, spending more time together, uncluttering their lives, and testing the relationship. You’ll notice that all of them are conveniences for the adults. But what isn’t convenient is that children are put at risk when couples cohabit. Children face higher risks of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) and lower psychological well-being. 

All of the above are results from social science, but they clearly agree with God’s boundaries around sexuality and what is best for us.

The reason for traffic lights in dating

Traffic lights are meant for our safety. Flashing yellow lights alert us to take caution in moving forward. They demand that we slow down and take a careful look before proceeding. They demand that we slow down and take a careful look before proceeding. Once our hesitations are satisfied, we can move forward with greater confidence. Red lights, however, demand that we stop. And there’s always good reason to stop at a red light, even if we can’t immediately see it. Running it will likely result in being broadsided.

For more on dating as a single parent, check out Ron Deal’s book, Dating and the Single Parent.

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Adapted from Dating and the Single Parent © 2012 by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Used with permission. All rights to this material are reserved.