Page 10 – FamilyLife®

My wife and I had sexual relations before we were married. How can we look our teens in the eye and teach them about abstinence and about restraint from passionate kissing and hugging?

Dennis: This is a fear of every parent who has failed in an area and is attempting to lead the child to do what is right. This fear is all too normal in this culture; I’ve had many parents ask me this question.

The Bible is full of stories about people who sinned, yet went on to be instruments of God, upholding His standards. If you think about it, the apostle Paul was part of a group of people who stoned Stephen. He was an accomplice to murder. And yet Paul called people to holy living in his epistles; in Romans 6:12, for example, he urges us to “… not let sin reign in your mortal body that you should obey its lusts.”

Just because you failed in the area of sexual purity doesn’t mean you can’t be committed to upholding God’s standard for your kids. In fact, you should feel a greater urgency to stand up for the truth because you know the consequences of not waiting until marriage.

When you allow a past sin to disqualify you from calling your children to a holy lifestyle, you allow the enemy to gain the victory. The accuser of the brethren wants you to focus on your mistakes and your inadequacy, instead of your forgiveness through Christ. Satan wants to disarm you and keep you at arm’s length from your child.

Do you have any suggestions for how to challenge kids in this area?

Barbara: I think the Proverbs provide a great pattern for how a father and mother should instruct their children. We should teach them the way that is right and the benefits of making good, moral choices. And we should show the consequences of foolish choices.

It’s important to challenge your children to specific standards. When our kids were growing up, Dennis and I challenged them not to kiss anyone until they were married. Some people will laugh at this, but our response is, “Okay, where do you want your kids to draw the line?”

We wanted our kids to remain pure. It was ultimately their choice, but we challenged them with a high standard so that they would decide what they believed and why they believed it. In this permissive culture, we wanted to hold them to a higher standard—that of holiness—than just abstinence.

I also should warn against communicating an attitude that says “Sex is bad.” That’s how the world stereotypes the Christian attitude about sex. In reality, sex is designed by God and it is good. He’s just placed fences around it by saying, “Wait until marriage.”

Should you be totally honest with your children and tell them how you sinned?

Dennis: I do not believe your children need to know about every mistake you’ve made. I would never suggest that you lie to your children, but sharing the details of your moral failure might diminish the importance of the standard in your teen’s mind. He or she could think, “Well, Dad had sex before marriage and he didn’t turn out so bad. Why should I be concerned about it?”

There might be some appropriate ages to share certain failures—as long as you also tell them about the consequences of that sin. I do recommend not going into detail about any sexual failures prior to their graduation from high school, and perhaps even college. It’s important to preserve the model of a parent who is leading and guiding them.

What if they ask you specifically whether you had sex before marriage?

Dennis: If you don’t feel it’s appropriate, you could say, “That’s a great question, and there will be a time when we can talk about some of the lessons I learned. But for right now I think it’s best if that answer be delayed for a period of time. I would like to be able to have that discussion with you when I think it’s appropriate.”

The point is, you don’t want your failure to have an impact on your children’s pattern of behavior. Their convictions need to be settled.

Marriages and families were dishonored on Presidents’ Day when AshleyMadison.com, the online dating site that promotes adultery and extramarital affairs, launched its latest national campaign for infidelity.

One of the billboards landed in my community, only miles from FamilyLife headquarters … and my home.

The billboard boasts, “Who said cheaters never prosper? Happy Presidents Day!” and features images of Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton—presidents who were widely alleged to have cheated on their wives.

This is exactly the kind of attack on families plaguing our society today. As a husband, father, and grandfather, I was horrified by this ad and ashamed it was in my community. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all weekend. I knew we had to do something—we had to respond. Doing nothing is not an option.

Friends, family, and community leaders reacted as well. One friend of FamilyLife offered to pay for creating a sign in response. Local leaders of a national advertising company were outraged and offered us free use of billboard space in Little Rock. Our sign should go up in the next week.

With this in mind, I want to challenge you to help us stand strong for families by recommitting yourself to your spouse and to faithfulness in your marriage.

Thank you for partnering with us in rebuilding the family and standing with us to encourage faithfulness in marriage.

A couple weeks ago, in my work here at FamilyLife, I was feeling lazy and listless, uncreative and unmotivated. Looking for some inspiration, I began reading through a pile of comments from couples who attended a recent Weekend to Remember^® marriage getaway in Indianapolis.

It took me all of two minutes to shake away my doldrums. To remember how God is working.

One of the first comments I read began with these words: “My 2015 Valentine’s gift was my wife letting me know she was leaving me.” That got my attention.

“After six children and 11 grandchildren, she was emotionally dead as I had neglected her and not been there for her for 20 years,” he wrote.

Sitting in his office in “total shock and disbelief,” his phone rang. His pastor was in Haiti on a mission trip, but felt that the Holy Spirit prompted him to call. “After relating what was going on in my life, he urged me to confess my sin to both my God and my wife, and then told me that he, the team, and Haitian church would be praying around the clock for our marriage.

“I’ll never know why God chose to give me a second chance, but over the next 72 hours there was a complete and miraculous healing in our lives. God melted both of our hearts and provided complete restoration to the point it was evident to those in our church (who knew nothing that had happened), and more importantly our children, that something in our lives was different.”

Now this couple had attended a Weekend to Remember, and he felt it was “the best investment we could have ever made in our marriage. The weekend truly has given us the tools which, if used, will help our marriage thrive and become all God wants it to be.”

For the next 30 minutes I read story after story about people whose lives were changed because they encountered God at this event in Indianapolis. Some samples:

We’ve had ups and downs, lately more downs. This weekend was just what we needed to reconnect and rediscover each other. It’s the honeymoon we hadn’t had yet. We feel that the material will make a great transformation in our home, to better it, and bring glory to its rightful Owner, the Creator, our Lord God almighty.

***

Approximately 15 years ago, our marriage was broken by my husband’s admission that he had been living a double life for 35 years. He had committed adultery with various women during that time period. Our pastor and assistant pastor were instrumental in counseling. We joined a FamilyLife couples group. We attended our first Weekend to Remember 13 years ago. Very effective in strengthening and saving our marriage.

***

We’ve been married for five years. I am still in love with my husband, but sometimes love isn’t enough. We have been slammed with challenges throughout our married life. Sometimes you feel like giving up. This conference reminded me what marriage is about: It’s work! But with God involved, it will work out. Keep doing what you all are doing! It’s giving us the tools to do it God’s way.

***

I felt very reluctant about coming to this conference. It was a desperate, last-ditch effort to salvage our marriage. We are both terrible communicators and have always struggled with conflict resolution. I have renewed hope for our marriage.

I don’t want to give up. I want to make it work. I choose us. I want to love God and my husband the way God intended. I want my kids to see a godly marriage modeled. I thank God for this conference and that we came to it. It scares me to think what might have happened to our marriage if we hadn’t come to this conference.

If you look at our culture, it’s easy to become discouraged as we see people not just turning away from God, but actively mocking those who are committed to following Christ. But letters like these remind me of Matthew 9, where Jesus saw the crowds and had compassion for them, “because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'”

Today the world is still full of people without hope. They may not always show it or admit it, but you see it in their relationships. They don’t know how to form the marriages and families they desire.

I think God is using these issues to help people understand their desperate need for Him. The harvest is still as plentiful today as it was in the time of Christ.

Some would call me “directionally-challenged.” While my husband, Jim, seems to know where he is at all times, I have difficulty following a map or someone’s directions. I’ve been lost more often than I’d like to admit.

It happened again when I went to visit a new friend who lives in the country. She gave me specific instructions to her home. I scribbled them on a piece of paper: ” … You’ll end up on a dirt road and will eventually see an old bridge. Take an immediate left—our house will be on the left.”

About an hour later I was driving to my friend’s and enjoying the country landscape: massive farms, hay bales, countless barking dogs. I spotted a beautiful old bridge and stopped to take the picture you see here. A recent winter storm had left some ice and snow on it, and some tree limbs partially covered the muddy road ahead.

I continued on until a tree blocked the way. Thinking I had driven too far, I tried to call my friend on my cell phone but was in a dead zone. All I saw was the feared message, “Call not allowed.”

After turning around, once again I approached the beautiful old bridge. The phone rang. Yes, the same one that wouldn’t work just minutes before.

“Where are you?” my friend asked.

I explained my dilemma.

“Oh, I can see you!” she said.

I was dumbfounded. “See me? Are you looking down from a ridge?”

“No, I’m looking from a window in my house.”

That’s when I realized that I had missed one little turn immediately after the old bridge. That one small oversight had made a big difference.

Country roads and marriage

As a writer for FamilyLife, I’ve interviewed a lot of people about how God moved in their marriages. From them I’ve realized how easy it is to miss an important turn in a marriage relationship. At times don’t we all forget the simplest directions?

Here are four reminders for fellow travelers—those driving down unfamiliar country roads or whizzing on the highway of married life:

1. Overconfidence is not a good thing.

“Pride goes before destruction.” Proverbs 16:18

As I left home to see my new friend, I had foolishly believed that my scribbled notes were totally right, that I could not possibly get lost. Being too confident is not a good thing.

I’ve seen this truth not only in my personal life, but also as I’ve written stories about changed lives. There seems to be a common thread in all of these stories—the thought that, This will never happen to me!

In the article, “The Lost Decade,” Mike and Pam Calvert describe the first 13 years of their marriage as a dream come true. But things began to change after they befriended a couple from their church.

Mike began developing an inappropriate friendship with the wife. But when Pam told him the relationship wasn’t right, he became angry, saying it was her problem. They began to grow more and more isolated, and less than two years later, the Calverts were divorced.

Watch out if you begin to think, I will never be unfaithful or, I could never do that to my spouse.

2. You will reap the consequences of your actions.

Thus says the Lord God: Because you have forgotten me and cast me behind your back, you yourself must bear the consequences …” Ezekiel 23:35

Scott Jennings never dreamed that he would cross the line and be unfaithful to Sherry. But somehow it happened. Scott turned to a woman at work for a listening ear, and that led to an inappropriate friendship and emotional attachment, which led to infidelity. The story of his shattered marriage is told in “He Lived a Double Life.”

Consider the consequences of your actions, in the big and small decisions of life. Author Stephen Covey puts it this way: “While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”

3. God wants us to follow all of the directions that He gives for life (His Word).

“So you shall remember and do all my commandments, and be holy to your God.” Numbers 15:40

When Hal Walker’s 32-year-old wife woke up from a coma, she had no memory of her family. Many of Hal’s friends suggested that he divorce Beth. In the article “She Didn’t Know She Was Married,” he describes his decision as simple: He knew God hated divorce, and he knew he didn’t have biblical grounds to end the marriage. For more than 20 years he has stood by Beth rebuilding his marriage.

Regardless of where life takes us, God meant for everything in His Word to be followed. His directions matter.

4. It’s never too late to turn around.

“God-defiers are always in trouble; God-affirmers find themselves loved every time they turn around.” Psalm 32:10 (The Message)

After 34 years of marriage, Lamar Sims told his wife, June, that he wanted a divorce: “I don’t love you. I don’t need you. I don’t want you.”

In the article “Her Husband Wouldn’t Speak to Her for Three Years,” June says that she still loved her husband and didn’t want to end their marriage. Angered by her refusal to grant a divorce, Lamar stopped talking to her. So she continued living with Lamar—in silence—and waited for God to act. Three long years later, God answered her prayers.

It’s never too late to turn around on a dirt road … or in a dying marriage. Nothing is impossible for God.

Prone to wander

I know better than to vow that I won’t get lost again. Like the old hymn says, I am “prone to wander.”

But the next time that I lose my way, I want to remember that God really does see me. And He is ready and able to help (Psalm 46:1).

My wife, Merry, and I have enjoyed some wonderful, adventurous, and romantic vacations over the years. We’ve been on trips to London, New England, Montana, Oregon, Washington D.C., New York City. We’ve relaxed on sunny beaches in Hawaii, Florida, and South Carolina.

And then we’ve taken lots of vacations like the one last week: working on projects around the house.But then, that’s what marriage is about, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s warm sea breezes … and sometimes it’s the pungent smell of drying paint.I suppose last week could be called a “real life” vacation. Among the highlights and lowlights:

Ordinary accomplishment #1: Finishing half of a major indoor painting project. There is something strangely satisfying about applying fresh paint to walls marked by the smudges of dirty hands, shoes, and balls thrown to satisfy a dog who never tires of playing “fetch.”
Ordinary accomplishment #2: Purchasing a new refrigerator … with an icemaker. When we first moved into our home, I convinced Merry that we didn’t need an icemaker, and I’ve paid the price ever since! So it was quite gratifying to finally replace the old beast and banish our ice trays to the garage.
Misadventure #1: Realizing the old water line for the icemaker needed replacement … then discovering the valve for the old line was leaking … and then tearing out several feet of rancid, water-damaged wood under the sink. What fun!
Misadventure #2: Stubbing my toe and falling against a sofa with my fist jamming against my right ribs. The resulting bruise only hurt if I moved my right arm … say, when painting. We also ate out a few times, watched some movies (“Déjà Vu” and “Night at the Museum”) read books and magazines, and visited a botanical garden. No, it wasn’t a week of making special memories, but it was a nice time to invest in our relationship and in our home.

And sometimes that’s what marriage is about, isn’t it?

Fifteen years ago last month, my brother was killed.

A drunken driver cut short his life as he pulled a late-night shift for a fellow police officer in Hawaii. Jay took every opportunity he could to earn enough money to move his wife and two young children from their apartment into a real home. He died as he lived, serving and sacrificing for others.

God had prepared Jay and his family for his departure in a way that, to this day, defies explanation. Months before his death, Jay met with a life insurance agent and with his pastor (who was also the department chaplain) to plan for his funeral. There was no reason for him to suspect that his life might be in danger. In fact, he and I used to joke on the phone about some of the “hazardous” assignments he had as a policeman on Maui, like when he answered the call about a bowl of soup that was allegedly stolen off a kitchen table.

For whatever reason, Jay felt impressed to increase his insurance to an amount probably several times higher than any honest insurance agent would recommend. And the solidly evangelistic funeral service that he planned would end up ministering powerfully to his fellow officers, who knew him to be a man of integrity who lived out his faith and loved his family more than anything else.

A final gift

But probably the most amazing story of my brother’s death was a sympathy card he had penned years earlier. Jay shared a birthday with our aunt Harriet, who had lost her own beloved husband, Phil, to a massive heart attack.

Jay wasn’t able to attend Phil’s funeral, but his sensitive thoughts and words of hope ministered to Harriet in a deep way. Jay spoke to the heart of this grieving wife by describing how her husband lived his life in the grace and love of Christ and how he reflected that godly care to everyone he came in contact with. His words reminded her that her husband was spending eternity with the Savior, free of the pain that is so much a part of this world we know, and that one day they would be reunited in heaven.

Now, years later, Jay’s own wife, Dee, was experiencing the same inexpressible grief. When Aunt Harriet heard of Jay’s death, she reminisced about the nephew who had comforted her. After some effort, she managed to locate the sympathy card, which was tucked away in a book. She read his words again, this time thinking about Dee’s grief at losing her husband. And she decided to send the card to Dee.

It was weeks after the funeral. All the family was gone, and Dee was left to take care of their two young children—who reminded her so much of Jay—and grieve on her own.

Until the card came. As Dee opened it, she could hardly believe what she was seeing—the handwriting she knew like her own heart. The tender words of consolation wrapped themselves around her soul as they had in the days when she and Jay were dating. But now, instead of words of his undying devotion, Dee was reading his words of deepest consolation in his own death. And the wife who didn’t get to tell her husband goodbye would end up reading his own words of comfort to her in her time of greatest grief. It was his final gift to her, words of promise and hope that they would be reunited forever in God’s timing.

Jay was inexplicable in life, and inexplicable in death. But his heart lives on, because the One who held his heart lives eternally. And the love of Christ that ruled Jay’s life is the same love that has conquered death for all.

The future of American culture is squarely in the hands of Christians.

Our problem is not so much the presence of unrighteousness as it is the loss of God’s glory. Unrighteousness and evil have dominated our culture because God’s glory has been marginalized, and that marginalization is primarily the result of the removal of Christ’s lampstand from the church (Revelation 2:5).

Make no mistake about it: America’s future is not in the hands of the politicians or the social scientists. Most don’t know what to do. They are “always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth” (2 Timothy 3:7).

The reason the future of our culture is in the hands of Christians is that the cause of our cultural demise is spiritual. And if a problem is spiritual, its cure must be spiritual.

You might be saying, “Tony, I’m not sure I’m excited about that, since God’s people don’t seem to be doing the job spiritually.” Well, in many cases that’s true, but there’s hope. The greatest source of hope we have is the promise that we can move God’s heart and hand through prayer.

If we Christians are going to turn our nation to God, we’ve got to fall on our knees and faces before God and pray. We need to not only talk about prayer, but pray. Not only agree on the importance of prayer, but pray. Not only preach on the power of prayer, but pray. To return our nation to its feet, we must first return to our knees.

“If my people…”

Whether you’re talking about restoring a nation, a city, or a family, 2 Chronicles holds everything you need to know. We will set the stage in chapter 6. The occasion is the dedication of Solomon’s great temple.

Solomon offers a dedicatory prayer in which he says, in essence, “Lord, I want to lead this people in righteousness. I want to lead this people in honoring You. Lord, I want to do it the way You want it done.”

Then in 2 Chronicles 7:1-10, God’s glory came down and filled the temple, and the people offered sacrifices and held a feast. Then the text records:

Solomon finished the house of the Lord and the king’s palace, and successfully completed all that he had planned on doing in the house of the Lord and in his palace. Then the Lord appeared to Solomon at night and said to him, “I have heard your prayers and have chosen this place for Myself as a house of sacrifice. If I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or if I command the locust to devour the land, or if I send pestilence among My people, and My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” (verses 11-14)

In this hallmark passage, God calls a nation to pray. Prayer is an earthly request for heavenly intervention. It is the tool and strategy that we have been given in order to pull something down from the invisible and into the visible. Prayer enacts God’s hand in history like nothing else because prayer is relational communication with God.

The first thing God says in 2 Chronicles 7:14 about those whose prayers get through to Him is that they are “My people who are called by My name.” … When God says “My people” are to pray, He is talking about His covenant people. In the Old Testament, His covenant people were Israel. In the New Testament, it’s the church, the body of believers who follow Jesus Christ.

God is not obligated to hear the prayers of sinners, unless they are asking for forgiveness. God has no obligation to sinners who pray because they are not His people and they have not been called by His name.

Only Christians get full access to heaven’s ears. Only God’s children have access to the throne of grace. If God has decided to allow America to decline, only Christians can make Him rethink that. If God has decided to allow our cities to continue to deteriorate, only Christians can reverse that.

Let that truth sink in because it is the foundation of our future.

The principle here is that of representation. That is, only God’s appointed representatives get through to Him. His people can get through to Him because they bear His name, which means they are under His authority. When God calls us His people, He is saying, “You belong to Me. You are called to live under My authority.”

Getting it together

That’s who can pray. And that’s why Satan’s main goal today is to keep Christians from getting it together, especially on their knees, because he knows if we ever get it together, he’s in bad shape.

Satan’s big thing is rendering Christians inoperative. He’s not worried about the sinners. He can handle any sinner because the sinners already belong to him. They don’t know they belong to him, but they do. But if he can lull Christians to sleep spiritually, he’s ready to run the show.

Beyond our being His people, God says in verse 14 that we need a specific heart attitude when we pray for our country. He’s seeking those who will “humble themselves.” Humble Christians get through to God.

Humility has the idea of dependency. It marks those who understand that without Him, they can do nothing (John 15:5). Too many of us are autonomous and self-sufficient in our own minds. The Bible calls it being “haughty,” because we don’t really believe that we need God. God is for emergencies only. We say, “God, don’t call me. I’ll call You.”

And so God allows us to go through trials that we can’t fix to humble us and to put us flat on our backs, as if to say, “Now let’s see you get up all by yourself.”

The opposite of God putting you flat on your back is you putting yourself flat on your face before Him in humility. When we kneel, or when we lie prostrate before the Lord, we are demonstrating humility.

God says, “If you want to get My attention, humble yourself.” Humility is tied to prayer because prayer is by its nature an admission of our weakness and need. Many Christians don’t pray because they are too proud.

You say, “But I’m not proud.” If you don’t pray you are proud, because prayer says to God, “I need You. I can’t make this marriage work on my own. I can’t solve this problem at work on my own. I am not sufficient in myself to do what needs to be done and to be what You want me to be.”

Now if God were to stop the rain today or send locusts or pestilence, most of us would form a committee to study the lack of rain. We would get together a commission to do something about the locusts. We would try everything except the one thing that could change the whole thing: Come before God and pray.

This is why the first challenge we must overcome in bringing about change in our land is to get Christians to bring themselves and their problems before the face of God. To put prayer last means to put God last, and to put God last means everything else is a waste of time.

Cool Summer School

By Tricia Goyer

When I was a child, my favorite summer moments happened in the library. Yes, beach days are fun, but I’d rather spend time scanning shelves of books. How crazy is that?! As a mom, I wanted to bring a bit of summer learning into our home. Of course, my kids weren’t interested in spending their days in the library, so I brought in summer learning other ways.

1. Summer classes and camps. Many schools, colleges, and museums have summer classes or camps. These programs make learning fun. My son Cory took a soapbox derby class where they designed and made their own cars and learned about engineering. My daughter took art classes in the park and had a great time weaving, painting, and more.

2. Play in the garden. We planted a garden once. It was not a pretty sight, but we learned a lot. Even if you have a small plot (or just a pot) your kids can have fun growing something. Also, check out library books about plants, photosynthesis, and ecosystems to learn about the growing process.

3. Get cooking. I clearly remember my daughter flipping pancakes at the age of five dressed in a pink tutu. Summer is a great time to start cooking classes with your kids. Have them help you make a shopping list, go shopping, and cook. Teach or reinforce measurements and cooking terms. They’ll love it, and hey, you’ve got to eat, don’t you?

4. Create stories and plays. Creating stories is fun, but don’t just count on paper and pens. Talk about characters, dialogue, and action, and act out their story, and record it. My kids loved to put on circus skits or recreate their favorite Bible stories or fairy tales.

5. Host a neighborhood scavenger hunt. Choose items up and down your street, such as an oak tree, a fire hydrant, and a brown door, and write them on index cards. Then take your kids on a walk and see who can find the items first. This reinforces reading skills, and they don’t even know it!

6. Create a map of your home. Help your kids draw a map and teach them new words, such as north, south, east, west, map key, scale, etc.

7. Create a weekly date to be a tourist in your town. Stop by a local hotel and pick up tourist attraction brochures from the front lobby; find things to do that are free or inexpensive. Create a memory book and have your children write down what they experience.

8. Reading clubs. Most libraries have summer reading clubs where kids can earn points or prizes for books read. I also created a prize box for my children, and they could get additional prizes for reading. (And the prizes I picked out were “educational,” such as science kits and art supplies.)

9. Pick a summer topic. Want to learn about oceans, puppy care, or photography? Pick a summer topic as a family and see how much you can learn together.

In the end your kids will have no idea they’re learning. They’ll just be enjoying the time together … and the fun!

6 (Almost) Free Summer Activities

by Katie Howard Clemens

Moms have to be creative in the summer. During days when our little people are underfoot 24/7, busy moms need a plan to keep those little people busy and out of trouble. While I am not opposed to some TV viewing, I don’t want my children watching TV all day. With a limited budget, I have had to be extra creative to come up with a fun summer plan. Following are some examples:

1. Table murals: We have a great kitchen table, and I have a ton of butcher paper and tape. So we make table murals. Simply tape the butcher paper to the table, and turn the kids loose with crayons, markers, or watercolor paints.

2. Farmers’ markets: Our local farmers’ market is bursting with fresh fruit, veggies, farm-fresh eggs, and even meat from local growers. It can be a fun outing for kiddos. Let them choose something new and different to bring home, and then prepare it together for dinner. Another option is to go straight to a farm. My kids and I head to a blueberry farm near our home to pick our own blueberries right from the bushes. They eat all the berries they can hold, and we take the rest home to freeze. Blueberry pancakes in December are delicious when you don’t have to pay $5 a pint for the blueberries at the store, and we remember the fun summer adventure we had picking them.

3. “Summer Bucket of Fun”: I found sturdy pink and blue buckets at the dollar store. A little puffy paint decoration later, and I had a “Mom’s Summer Bucket of Fun” for each child. While I was at the dollar store, I also picked up a wide array of fun and cheap activities that I have carefully hidden away—bubbles, sidewalk chalk, crayons, finger paint, jacks, puzzles, etc. I spent less than $50 and had well over 20 different activities for each child. I placed a different activity into the bucket each morning, along with a snack and some coloring and activity sheets I previously printed for free from websites like Kaboose.com.

4. Library: Books, books, and more books! Indoor summer fun in an air-conditioned building! The library is the perfect place to get out of the heat on a hot summer day when you don’t want to be cooped up at home.

5. Bowling: For the cost of shoe rental, children under 15 can bowl two free games every day all summer long at participating bowling allies all over the U.S. Find one near you at kidsbowlfree.com. You can also get a family pass for $24.95 that will allow up to four adults (or teens over 15) the same two free games per day all summer long.

6. Downtime: Little brains need time to relax and recharge, too. Make sure you plan some time into your day for rest. Neither one of my kids will nap for me anymore, but we still have a daily quiet time. They don’t have to sleep, but their feet need to be off the floor. They can either look at books or listen to relaxing music.

Children also need times when there are no planned activities … when they are forced to be creative and find new ways to play and occupy themselves. When my kids tell me during the summer, “Mom, I’m bored,” my standard answer is, “Great! What are you going to do about it?” I don’t think it is my job to entertain my children every minute of the day. I want to teach them to be creative and come up with ideas on their own, too.

10 Ways to Maintain Summer Sanity

by Julia DesCarpentrie

Summer… My kids home all day with me, neighbor children coming and going, slumber parties. My house is overflowing with children during the summer and I love it! However, as a mother of six, and with friends visiting our home, I need a little extra organization to keep my sanity. We are spontaneous during summer break but also need some structure.

Some of the tricks in my toolbox:

1. I have several early risers so we have quiet time until 7 am. The early birds may read a book or do a puzzle quietly until then. After 7:00, it’s snuggle time with Mom!

2. After lunch, if we are home, everyone has a rest time. Again, books or puzzles are appropriate activities as well as playing quietly in their room. After rest time, rooms must be tidy before coming out. I work part-time from home and this is my office time.

3. Everyone in our home is assigned a certain color of cup to avoid dirtying a new cup every time they want a drink. Visitors receive a cup with their name written on a wide rubber band or a disposable cup with their name in permanent marker.

4. For outings, we have the bottom shelf of the refrigerator stocked with reusable water bottles. Containers are filled with grapes, sliced veggies, cheese cubes, etc., so we are ready for a picnic on short notice.

5. We do not head to the pool or library until morning chores are complete (beds made, rooms tidy, breakfast cleaned up, laundry started, plus one additional weekly chore done).

6. We limit our screen time (tablets, smartphones, video games, computer, television) with “Tech Twigs”—popsicle sticks labeled with the kids’ names. Each child receives five per week, with each stick allowing for 30 minutes of screen time.

7. Every evening before bed we have a “10-minute Tidy.” Any toys not picked up head to a box labeled “Toy Jail.” Toys can be redeemed by completing a chore from a chore list.

8. An additional chore list is posted inside a cabinet for those looking to earn a little extra money. It also quickly cures, “Mom, I’m bored!” or can free a belonging from Toy Jail.

9. Dirty clothing or shoes left on the floor will cost the offender 25 cents apiece, with money going into Mom’s Starbucks fund. I made enough for a caramel macchiato within the first week, but as the kids learned their lesson, my income diminished.

10. At the beginning of summer we devise a Summer Fun Calendar with dates for activities at the library’s summer reading program, friend swaps, parent/child dates, etc. We also scheduled a technology-free week and several “fun at home” days. One day every week is reserved for grocery shopping and catching up on housework.

Perhaps you’ve heard the story of a man who phoned a local armory and spoke to a young recruit. “What kind of stock do we have there at the armory, private?” the caller asked authoritatively.

The private replied, “Sir, we have six tanks, six trucks, twelve jeeps, and a whole lot of guns and ammunition. Oh, yeah, we’ve also got two Cadillacs for our big, fat generals.”

The caller paused before barking out, “Private, do you know who this is?”

“No, sir,” the startled private replied.

“This is General Weston!”

Again there was a pause in the conversation, until the private asked, “General Weston, do you know who this is?”

Surprised, the general answered. “No!”

The private chuckled and said, “See ya around, fatty!”

Handle with care

Obviously, it’s important to know who you’re dealing with! That’s especially true when it comes to marriage. Women often baffle us men. So in 1 Peter 3:7, Scripture challenges us with the following exhortation:

You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.

Actually, when Peter tells us to live with our wives “in an understanding way,” he literally means, “according to knowledge.” In other words, know your wife! Understand she’s very different from you. Besides the obvious physical differences, there are vast psychological and emotional differences as well. Don’t operate on hearsay, stereotypes, or guesswork. Find out the facts, and treat your wife appropriately.

Notice Peter also tells us how to treat our wives: “as with a weaker vessel.” Typically, men read that as, “I have to go easy with my wife. I have to walk on eggshells around her. She can’t take much. She’s just a fragile little thing.” That, I’m afraid, misses the point that Peter is making.

When Peter describes the woman as a “weaker vessel,” he’s talking about something rare and delicately crafted. A good metaphor is the fine china that your wife keeps hidden away until guests come over. Would you throw your fine china around like paper plates? No! You treat fine china very carefully, not just because it’s delicate, but because it’s valuable! In the same way, you need to treat your wife as the most valuable asset in your home. She’s the fine china that God has placed in your life as a gift.

Understanding a woman

You treat your wife with care, Peter says, because she is a woman. What a simple but profound statement that is: since she is a woman. In other words, she’s not a man!

You are to treat your wife with different, special care because she is a different, special person. This, by the way, is one of the most powerful phrases in the New Testament in recognizing the distinction between men and women. Because she is a woman, your wife is very different from you as a man. She has different needs, a different perspective, a different way of dealing with the world, and different interests.

Take the area of sex, for instance. Years ago I read in a magazine survey that sex was a man’s number-one leisure activity. If you’re a man, that’s no real surprise, is it? However, that same survey revealed that reading was the number-one leisure activity for women. That’s right, reading! Can you believe it, men? We are that different!

It’s for reasons like this you are to live with your wife “in an understanding way.” Do you know any man who claims to “understand” his wife? If so, have him call me! Psychologically, emotionally, and physically, women manage to confound men at times, creating no end of confusion and consternation.

Yet Peter challenges us to overcome that frustration by learning to treat our wives “according to knowledge.” Most men are not necessarily unwilling to meet their wife’s needs; they simply are unaware of what those needs really are. For instance, a lot of us assume that what is important to us as men will be important to our wives as well.

Not long ago I gave my wife a two-year membership to a health club for Christmas. Of course, I assumed (wrongly!) that because I liked to work out at a health club, she would, too. Well, after I made the 24th payment on a completely unused membership, it finally occurred to me that I’d misinterpreted her needs!

Many times, however, it ceases to be funny. As one psychologist explained, “A man can have the best of intentions to meet his wife’s needs, but if he thinks her needs are similar to his own, he will fail miserably.” Some of us men really do fail miserably. We’re shooting in the dark when it comes to understanding our wives. And it hurts. No wonder so many marriages have fallen on hard times.

As a pastor, I often hear men boil over and say something like, “I don’t know what she wants from me! I can’t please her! I knock myself out twelve hours a day to give her everything anyone could ever want, and she still isn’t satisfied! What’s the deal?”

You can meet your wife’s wants yet still miss her needs. That’s what the deal is. Your wife doesn’t need you to work 12 hours a day. More likely, it’s you who “needs” to work that much. You’re out there trying to find your identity and establish your worth and value. You’re out there for you more than for her.

What she needs is for you “to live with her in an understanding way … since she is a woman”! A little feminine understanding can go a long way in meeting your wife’s real needs.

As parents, we all know the time will come when our kids will leave the home. But knowing we need to release our kids doesn’t make it any easier when the time actually comes.

I remember well when Barbara and I took our oldest child, Ashley, to college. The three of us stood in the dormitory parking lot, huddled-up, arms entwined, sobbing. I was crying so hard that I couldn’t pray—my own daughter had to pray for herself!

As we drove away from the dorm, my “little girl” stood on the sidewalk, waving goodbye. I turned to Barbara and said, “One down and five to go! Can you believe that in a year we’ve got to do this again with Benjamin?”

I paused for a moment. The tears were drying on my face, but the pain of the loss was fresh. “This hurts too much,” I said. “I’m not doing it next year. I’m going to rent a dad for a day to do it for me!”

Well, somehow I mustered up the courage to go through this process five more times in the next 11 years. And in August of 2003, after moving our youngest child, Laura, into her college dorm room, Barbara and I returned to an empty home.

I wish that we could report that after a couple of years we had made an easy adjustment to the empty nest. But we didn’t. The process took longer and took different turns than we expected. Yet as we have continued to move through this new season of our lives, we’ve come to realize that God has something great planned for our future together. We’re looking forward to a new season of fruitfulness I’m calling our “Prime Time” years.

A difficult adjustment

It is normal for mothers to look toward the empty nest with fear, because so much of their identity is wrapped up in motherhood. For nearly 30 years, Barbara poured most of her energy into motherhood—and she loved it. When that period ended, she felt somewhat lost.

She knew she would always be a mother, and she was overjoyed to now have grandchildren, but it was all different. She looked at her future and wondered, What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

In typical male fashion, I thought I’d help Barbara through this, and then we’d ride off into the sunset together. But I soon learned that the adjustment was difficult for me as well. I still had my work responsibilities, but I became a bit melancholy as I thought of how our lives had changed. Here’s something I wrote at the time:

Well, now the kids are gone. I knew the day would come. I just didn’t expect the dawn of a new era of the empty nest to come so soon. I’ve always spoken of the future as, “Someday when the kids are gone.” Well, someday is here.

It seems like just the other day that Barbara and I were starting our lives together. A whirlwind dating relationship … six weeks later, a simple wedding … followed by a storybook honeymoon. Our nest was empty for two years before God graced us with Ashley, the first of six that filled our quiver in 10 years. Diapers and high chairs defined our lives for more than a dozen years. Well, the diapers are gone, but the high chair is now being used for one of our grandchildren.

The refrigerator is half full, the house is very quiet and clean, and interestingly it stays that way. The phone doesn’t ring off the wall. There’s plenty of hot water. No kids surround my car when I arrive home from work. When we go to bed, we leave our bedroom door open.

There’s no homework, ball practice, teachers’ meetings, no sibling rivalry, and car insurance is once again reasonable. Our orthodontist has retired—on us! There’s no tension in the air about modest clothing for school, prom dresses, who sits where in the car on the way to school or to church.

And, most important, our fire pit is a bit cold these days.

I mentioned the fire pit because it was an important place for our family. It was a place for fun and conversation—we had a lot of discussions there with our kids over the years. Now, when I look out the window and see that empty fire pit outside, it seems like a reminder—to be grateful for the great memories we share with our children, and to realize that I can’t go through the rest of my life focusing on those memories.

From empty nest to prime time

In fact, in many ways I don’t like the image of the “empty nest.” Anyone who has seen an empty bird’s nest knows that it lacks a sense of purpose. It’s a reminder of what was and what will never be again. It was a place of birth, life, growth, and noise; now it is silent. Just memories.

I don’t want to be stuck in this place of silence. That’s why I consider the empty nest a transition phase. The rest of our lives—the years of Prime Time—were designed by God to be fruitful and purposeful.

You may be in the same situation as Barbara and I are, or you may be facing it sometime in the next few years. Let me share a few things we’ve learned during this season of life:

First, use the time to work on your marriage relationship.

For many couples it’s not easy to adjust to being together without children for the first time in a couple of decades. You might think you talk with your spouse a lot … until you find yourself in a house with nobody else to talk with!

You’ll need to make decisions about how you are going to spend your evenings and weekends. Perhaps you need to starting dating each other again—or take off for a weekend of fun and adventure at some romantic locale. Or attend one of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways to focus on understanding God’s purposes and plan for your marriage.

As you are going deeper in your relationship, take time to reassess and reevaluate your lives.

In our case, Barbara evaluated everything in her life—how she’s going to relate to her kids and to me, what she is good at and not good at. She’s taken a test to assess her abilities and interests. As she said in an interview on FamilyLife Today® when we taped some shows on this topic: “I don’t know any of the answers to those questions yet, because so much of my life was defined around my kids, and now that that’s gone, I’m left with a lot of questions.” I found that, during that time, she needed me to take a lot of time to talk with her and especially to listen to her.

As a result of this reassessment, you may want to encourage each other to pursue some interests that you haven’t had the time to consider while your children were at home. Barbara is a talented artist, and early in our marriage, just as we started having kids, I bought her a drawing table. The problem was that, with small children, she really didn’t have time for art. So for nearly two decades that table was stored in a crawl space underneath our house.

As the empty nest approached, however, I encouraged Barbara to take some watercolor classes. And one day we pulled that old table out from under the house. It was covered in mold, but when we cleaned it off, it turned out to be in pretty good shape. So now Barbara is using it as she cultivates an important part of her life that lay dormant for quite awhile.

As part of this reassessment, ask yourself, “What is my mission for the final years of my life?”

You may have several decades of life ahead of you, and it’s important to ask God to give you some direction on how He wants to use you during these years of Prime Time.

Parenting is a high and noble calling, but it’s important to remember that it’s only part of what God has called us to do. Consider two challenging passages of Scripture in the Gospel of Matthew. In Matthew 22:35-40, Jesus is asked, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

In this passage Jesus tells us that nothing is more important in life than loving God and loving other people. Now, look at Christ’s words to His disciples just before He ascended to heaven:

And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:18-20).

Here Jesus articulates the greatest job assignment ever given—the Great Commission of proclaiming the gospel of redemption and reconciliation to those who are lost. When we combine the Great Commission with the Great Commandment (loving God and loving others), we are left with a pretty challenging agenda for us as we move into our Prime Time years. Each of us will be used in different ways, but I want to challenge you with this thought: If your mission does not include the Great Commandment and the Great Commission, you’re going to miss life.

It shouldn’t last forever

Don’t expect to find quick answers to all your questions. Barbara and I spent the entire first year of the empty nest experiencing the newfound freedoms and losses of having had a great family, and adjusting to what it was like to be just the two of us again. We also realized we needed each other’s help in determining what the rest of our lives should look like, and what our mission should be as individuals and as a couple. It took us some time to come up with answers, and that’s okay.

We knew that the “empty nest” season wouldn’t last forever.

And now we’re loving Prime Time.

Bess and Gary couldn’t wait for the empty nest. Raising their kids had been tough. They’d had different approaches to discipline, they’d struggled on a tight budget, and they’d postponed many of their dreams in order to be with their kids. Now the last one was leaving, and they felt they had done the best they could. Finally, they were about to be free from the daily stresses of parenting. They were excited. They couldn’t wait for it to be “just us” again.

Shelly’s situation was just the opposite. She had poured her life into her kids; they had come first. Now, as the last child got ready to leave, she was scared, really scared. ”I don’t even feel like I know my husband. I haven’t been alone with him since I was 26. Our whole life has revolved around the kids. Now what will we talk about at the dinner table? What will we do on weekends? I don’t even know if I have energy left to put into this relationship. And, I don’t know if I want to.”

When your kids begin leaving the home, empty nest couples are forced to consider marriage in a new light. This can be wonderful or it can be scary. You may be thrilled as you look forward to a second honeymoon season with your spouse. Or you may be asking yourselves, Without the kids, do we have enough to hold us together?

Most likely, you will respond with a mixture of both fear and excitement. Yet at some point you will wonder, What will my marriage look like now? Anticipating the hurdles in the road ahead is essential to a good marriage in the empty nest season.

Three common pitfalls

As Christians we believe there is an enemy of our souls who wants our marriages to fall apart. Part of the problem is we don’t often recognize this enemy or his tactics. Instead, we think the problem is us or, more likely, our spouse.

In order to successfully transition your marriage into the empty nest years, you should watch for three common pitfalls that many marriages face in middle-age.

1. A critical spirit. How many middle-aged couples do you know who are still in love with each other and whose marriages you admire? How many do you know who regularly criticize, condemn, and alienate each other?

Newlyweds seem to have cornered the market on being in love. And why is that? They usually have the time and focus. Empty nest couples have the same two commodities; the challenge is to capitalize on them.

We’ve noticed that, for an empty nest wife, it is all too easy to fill the void left by the kids with criticism of her husband. With the kids gone she tends to focus more on her spouse. It’s easy to find fault with what he has done or left undone, to revisit old wounds, to fret about the way she thinks things should be.

Why do we wives do this?

Partly because we are hurting and sad for our loss, partly because we know our husbands too well, partly because we have been mothering for so long we switch our attention from our kids to our husband without thinking. Unconsciously we become critical and we don’t even realize what we are doing. It’s so subtle.

Once you do recognize what is happening, it’s time to change course. Making changes can sometimes be as simple as deciding: You make the choice to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, to not comment on everything he does or doesn’t do, to focus on the things you appreciate about him, and to verbally express gratitude.

2. Emotional divorce. It is so very common to arrive at the empty nest and feel some level of isolation. This has been true for both of us. During transition we are especially vulnerable to this drift as each spouse processes life’s changes differently.

It might happen like this: He’s hurt me again. It’s the same old thing. There’s no use trying to talk it through. I just can’t go there again. It’s too exhausting, too painful. We’ll live in the same house and carry on, but I can’t keep trying. I can’t share with him at a deep level any more.

Picture a glass patio door. In a sense what you are doing is shutting the glass door on your marriage. You still see your spouse, but there’s a barrier between you.

This is emotional divorce—the road to isolation.

When you are pulled this way, recognize what is happening and make the decision to take a hammer and begin breaking the glass. How do you do this? Refuse to give in to the temptation to pull away from your spouse and, instead, talk through the issues. Ask a wise couple whom you trust to talk with you, or get counseling if needed.

Your marriage is too important to let it fade away. A thick glass panel doesn’t crumble instantaneously. It takes constant chipping away until the barrier finally crumbles. In the same way, you need to be patient and chip away at your issues, knowing that God is for your marriage and He wants to remove the thick glass in order that fresh air might blow in and rejuvenate your marriage.

3. An affair. If you fail to stop the drift toward emotional divorce, you will become increasingly vulnerable to an affair. Infidelity in women rarely takes place on the spur of the moment. Instead these types of relationships usually begin with an emotional affair: He understands me better than my husband does. He appreciates me in ways my husband does not. He finds me attractive. I am drawn to him. When we talk, I feel like he really listens to me.

It’s helpful to ask yourself, Am I believing in a fantasy or seeking the truth? God’s Word says that you are to flee from, not flirt, with temptation. You must run away from those temptations and run toward your spouse instead.

Strengthen your marriage. Take the free online course, I Still Do.

No limits

When driving a car, we are dependent upon road signs that signal speed limits, merging traffic, dangerous curves, and other warnings. These signs are in place for our safety. In a similar way, we share these warnings about the road ahead for the safety of your marriage. We are both strongly for marriages thriving, not just surviving. Knowing what the dangers are is the better part of avoiding them.

Remember: Your spouse is not your enemy. He is your partner.

You’re on the same team, and there is no limit to the new ventures that are available to empty nest couples. In planning for and pursuing these ventures together, your marriage can thrive. Ask God to give you wisdom and watch Him work in ways that will go beyond your plans and even your dreams. “Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!” (Ephesians 3:20-21 NIV).

Editor’s Note: During the “FamilyLife Today” broadcasts, “Enticement of the Forbidden,” guest Judy Starr addressed issues surrounding infidelity. During their discussion, hosts Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine promised Judy’s list of Eight Ways to Protect Your Marriage. We pray you find this list helpful in building the walls necessary to protect your marriage.

To stand firm in the battle for our marriages, we must be prepared. We can never assume that having a good marriage shelters us from temptation. In this age of “anything goes,” the wise woman will purposefully build walls around her marriage ahead of time to help close the door on opportunities for temptation…[L]et’s look at eight areas in which we can develop habits that build walls of protection around our marriage.

Protect your marriage through daily times with God. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that your personal, daily time with the Lord builds an enormous wall of protection around your marriage. Time with the Lord each day immediately impacts your relationship with your spouse. When you fail to meet with God, your heart becomes hardened to the Lord and to His truths. And once that snowball of sin begins rolling, your marriage is instantly endangered. But as you cling to Him each day, you will confess sin and continue to grow in Christ’s likeness. As you keep God in His rightful place, not only will your marriage experience dramatic differences, but all of your relationships will be affected.
Protecting your marriage by safeguarding your relationships with other men. You should never spend time alone with a man other than your husband. This included sports activities. Many an affair has started with the “harmless” act of a pleasant evening jog together. If your husband can’t participate in the activity with you, do it alone, do it in a group (preferably of women), or not at all.
Protect your marriage through boundaries in the workplace. If ever a situation needed solid protective walls firmly entrenched around it to prevent infidelity, the workplace is it. Such protection requires predetermined decisions, all maintained through accountability to your husband and to other women. The practices of establishing an invisible wall and refraining from personal contact and conversations with other men are utterly critical. Without predetermining to follow these safeguards, you will effectively set yourself up to fall.
Protect your marriage through discretion in clothing. Men become easily aroused sexually by the stimulation of sight. Therefore, what we wear is very important. To attract men to you sexually by the clothing you choose is to defraud them because you cannot (or should not!) fulfill the desire you arouse. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6 tells us, “For this is the will of God…that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor…and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in this matter.”
Protect your marriage by guarding your eyes and ears. As for all of the Christian life, the key to guarding our eyes and ears is for each of us to remain sensitive to the Holy Spirit. We must take care to not engage in anything that draws our thoughts and hearts away from the Lord and from our husbands. By guarding what we see and hear, we keep impurity out and strengthen the walls around our marriage.
Protect your marriage by guarding against the lure of the Internet. Any married woman seeking to fulfill her emotional needs through an Internet relationship must realize that her pursuits will lead only to heartache and enormous disappointment. Genuine godly love—the desire of every heart—can be found only in a committed relationship based on unconditional love. And though an Internet love relationship may be based on fantasy, virtual infidelity causes actual pain. The devastation to the spouse can be just as painful as if the partner had been involved in a sexual affair. The broken trust and the regrets are just as difficult to repair.
Protect your marriage by spending time together. One of the best guards against infidelity comes from having your emotional needs met within your marriage. That means sticking to the plan of spending time alone together each week! Unless we purposefully protect that time, all of life’s little “urgent” needs will undermine our marital intimacy like termites that slowly eat away the foundation of a house. What can be more urgent than protecting your marriage?
Protect your marriage through accountability. Accountability to a mature godly woman [is] invaluable…Accountability may be the key issue that makes or breaks our faithfulness to God and to our spouse.

These eight crucial practices will strengthen and fortify the walls around your marriage. God may also show you other safeguards that are equally as important for your life and your particular vulnerabilities.

Sana was stuck in what she called a “miserable marriage.” In her loneliness she reached out to a man she “met” in an online chatroom. She called herself “Sweetie” and he used the name “Prince of Joy.” They began opening up to each other and became online soul mates. “I was suddenly in love,” Sana says.

Finally, she made arrangements for a date with “Prince of Joy.” When Sana showed up, she was shocked to discover that her new love was … her own husband, Adnan.

If this were a Hollywood movie, Sana and Adnan would burst into tears, forgive each other, and melt in each other’s arms. But this wasn’t Hollywood. Each felt betrayed by the other’s unfaithfulness, and they are pursuing a divorce. Said Adnan, “I still find it hard to believe that Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years.”

What saddens me in this story is that Adnan and Sana are so typical of many married couples today who drift into isolation. They forget the qualities that first attracted them to each other, and they look elsewhere for the love they want so desperately. Sometimes that love is right in front of them, and they can’t see it. I keep thinking that if I read the story one more time, that magical Hollywood ending would magically appear.

Many of the readers commenting on the story seemed to feel the same way. Some sample e-mails:

“I think they both should try to work out their marriage situation. It seems like they have forgotten what they have for each other.”

“Whether they realize it or not, they both learned a very valuable and ironic lesson … that they are still the same people they initially fell in love with. They just, obviously, stopped communicating.”

“If this didn’t teach them they’re right for each other, then they will probably be miserable with whomever they finally do end up with.”

Here at FamilyLife, we see different endings to stories like this every week at our Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. Many couples attend these conferences just to refresh a good marriage, while others go as a last resort in hopes of avoiding a divorce. When these couples turn their lives and their marriages over to God’s direction, they often see a transformation in their relationship that could be called miraculous.

You just have to pray that somehow Adnan and Sana can learn about God’s power to redeem a relationship that appears hopeless.

When Ron and I got married in 1978, both of us believed that it was the other person’s job to “Make me happy!” We soon found out—that was impossible.

I complained and criticized my way through our first year then Ron retaliated with the “I’m a bad husband because you’re a bad wife” defense. Our anger and resentment grew until they overshadowed our love.

That’s when I met Jake. He thought I was beautiful, funny, and smart. He only saw the good in me and he bathed me in compliments. We worked for the same company so it was easy to spend time together. We started meeting for lunches, then dinners, and eventually—dessert.

In June of 1980, I told my husband what he already knew, “Our marriage is falling apart … we’re both miserable.” Then I surprised him with, “So, I need some time to think—I’m moving out.” (I didn’t tell him about Jake.)

He begged, “I won’t yell at you anymore—I’ll be a better husband … we’ll start going to church again … please don’t go.” I ignored his pleas and moved into a hotel.

Jake and I started making secret plans for our future. He was married and had two children, but he was going to leave them—for me.

I had purposefully kept my Christian parents in the dark about my marriage problems. My mother had a connection with the Lord that made me nervous, and I was afraid she would “know” there was something wrong. Since they lived in a different state, I was able to keep my secret … for a while.

One day, while Ron was gone for a few hours, I went to our condo to pack some more of my things. Soon after I arrived, my mother called. She asked. “Honey, are you all right?”

“Sure Mom, I’m fine.” I lied.

“I don’t think you are. I think you’re in some sort of trouble because last night, I woke up and felt compelled to pray for you. I want you to talk to your father—he’s on the other line.”

I am in trouble now, I thought; I’ve never been able to lie to my father. “Hi Daddy,” I whispered.

“Hello honey, your mother is convinced that you are in need of her midnight prayers. Are you?”

I hesitated. I knew I was opening Pandora’s Box, but since I had to tell them eventually, I said, “Yes. My marriage—it’s in trouble.”

“Tell us everything.”

I took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and said, “I’ve moved out of the house and I’m going to file for a divorce.”

Long silence. Then Mom said, “Nancy, we love you. And because we love you, we will not support your leaving Ron. Marriage is a holy bond. Has Ron committed adultery? Has he ever hit you?”

“No.”

“Then you don’t have biblical grounds to divorce him. You’d be out of God’s will if you do.”

I hadn’t thought about God’s will in months. I felt a wave of panic and the phone was slippery and hot in my hands. I couldn’t bring myself to a full confession but I did concede, “I haven’t been a very good wife.”

Dad gently said, “But that can change. Now that you’ve been honest about your own part in this, the Lord can heal your marriage if you ask Him to.”

Mom said, “I think we should pray.”

Dad prayed, “Dear Lord, King of Creation, we praise you and give glory to your name. Thank you for the gift of our daughter. Draw her to your side and wrap your loving arms around her. Lead her back into your light. Help her to confess her faults to Ron, and to you, Lord. Please help both of them put you back on the throne of their lives and their marriage. Let tonight be the turning point. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Mother agreed, “Amen.”

I’m sure they were waiting for me to say it, too. But I knew that amen meant “Let it be so,” and I wasn’t sure I wanted what he’d prayed for. The thought of giving up my relationship with Jake seemed unbearable, so I just said, “Thank you Daddy … Mom … I’ll wait for Ron. I’ll call you in the morning. Goodnight.” Then I hung up the phone—fast.

Their prayer began to soften my heart and I wondered if there was any way out of the chaos I had created. I went into the living room, sank into the sofa, held a pillow to my chest, and called out —to God. I had been avoiding Him for months. My guilt, shame, and sin had built a wall between us. But, brick-by-brick—as I confessed each sin—I tore down the wall—and let the Light in. I prayed, “Lord, please show me your will for my life.” Then, I remembered the simple words that Jesus said to the adulteress woman. “Go and sin no more.” I knew exactly what I had to do. I surrendered my will and my heart to the Lord and asked for the strength to walk away from Jake and make a full confession to Ron.

When I told my husband the whole truth and begged for his forgiveness he miraculously chose to forgive me.

We both called Jake. I cried as I apologized to him and explained why I had to quit my job and why I could never see him again. Ron and I asked him not to call or have any further contact and he agreed to honor our request. I told him that I hoped he would reconcile with his wife and restore his family. When we said goodbye, all three of us were crying, for three different reasons.

My feelings for Jake had not changed, I was still “in love” with him, but I chose to stay with my husband. It was out of obedience at first, but as I began to act lovingly, the loving feelings eventually followed. Ron and I recently celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary and I am thrilled to tell you that we are deeply and tenderly in love. With each other! We are living proof that no marriage is beyond repair.

In her book, The Enticement of the Forbidden, Judy Starr tells about the intense attraction she felt toward another man during a mission trip in the Caribbean. She and her husband, Stottler, had begun the mission trip together, and she stayed on after he left because of other responsibilities. Her story here begins at the point when she returned home from the project.

My decision before God to remain faithful and return home came solely from my will, because my heart ached to stay with Eric. As I moved through the motions of boarding the plane home, numbness overtook my senses. Nothing seemed real.

The plane finally touched down in California. The grace of God, along with the counsel and prayers of others, had brought me home. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. As if moving through a haze, I staggered down the ramp to meet my husband. The weight of despondency dragged at every step. I had phoned Stottler, revealing part of the story, and I told him I was coming home. Now it was time to face him. By God’s grace there had been nothing physical between Eric and me, but emotional infidelity seemed equally as painful.

When we arrived at our house, Stottler and I sat tensely on the couch, my legs shaking with fear, anticipation, and exhaustion. Weary of the battle against God, I yearned for His fellowship again. I missed having a tender heart that could sense His leading. I also hurt over the anguish I had caused my sweet husband. But the healing of my relationships with God and Stottler was only possible if I began making right choices.

When we choose to sin, problems and sufferings will drag behind us like a ball and chain. The only way to break the chain is to deal with the root cause—confess the sin. So I told Stottler how I felt about Eric. I told him that I had seriously considered staying in the Caribbean. Then I asked for his forgiveness.

I am enormously blessed to have a godly husband. We cried together many times, and we began the process of rebuilding what I had so quickly torn down. Yet for a time, my emotions continued to bleed.

Addiction and withdrawal

Much like a drug addict in isolation, I experienced withdrawal symptoms from Eric. In many ways, an affair is similar to an alcohol or drug addiction. The process of breaking free brings intense feelings of pain, anxiety, and depression. For several months I longed to be with Eric, and a continual dull throb lodged in my heart. Life often seemed bleak, and the future uninviting.

Although I don’t remember having thoughts of suicide, they are not uncommon for people mired in affairs. A woman can’t imagine life without her lover, yet she also recognizes the grief she is causing her family. Suicide may seem the only way out. But time does heal wounds. As the days wore into months, my internal hemorrhaging slowed to a drip, then finally began to close.

It was a slow process back. I had constructed a brick wall between God, Stottler, and myself through one bad choice at a time. Now I needed to make good choices one at a time to tear down that wall. Although the process was painful, each day became a little easier—as long as I stayed away from Eric.

What I should have done

As I began to delve once again into God’s Word, the Lord clearly showed me three steps I should have taken when faced with the temptation toward Eric. These steps also apply to any woman who chooses to rebuild her marriage after making poor choices.

Step 1: Be honest with yourself. Looking back on my entire scenario in the Caribbean, I wondered if the romance with Eric was unavoidable. I alone was responsible for the preparations and daily operations of the boat project. Therefore, each day I had to work closely with a charming captain while being surrounded by an enticing, seductive setting. Was all the heartache avoidable? The answer: absolutely! I could have stopped myself before the infatuation ever began.

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Through my disastrous choices, I learned a very important truth: Never underestimate the power of attraction! When attracted to a man, it’s easy to convince ourselves that the feelings could never really grow, so we try to rationalize them away.

Yet we can so quickly begin daydreaming about this attraction: I wonder where he is right now. I really enjoyed our conversation yesterday. When can we talk again? Of course, this friendship is harmless. I would never want anything to happen—I just enjoy his company.

I had those thoughts. They are an open door to a roomful of deadly cobras. The enemy wants you to believe those little lies so that he can slowly ease you into the room. And once you’re in, you will be bitten. Playing with poison will ruin your life.

As we begin toying with an attraction, by necessity we hide our feelings and actions from our husband. The Lord says, “Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil” (Proverbs 12:20). Deceit always leads to further deceit as sin takes us further and further into danger. It’s so much easier to close the door and never step into the snake pit in the first place!

Step 2: Be honest with God. I believe that what made me the most vulnerable for my involvement with Eric was my lack of daily time in God’s presence. Nothing in my life has had the consistent power to transform me more than my daily times of reading the Bible and praying.

For several months previous to the Caribbean project, I had been ignoring God’s daily call to come away with Him for a time of refreshment and renewal. By the time I arrived on the boat and met the captain, I had a wall of poor choices blocking my sensitivity to the Lord. Because I had allowed my heart to become spiritually insensitive, I refused to bring my feelings toward Eric to the Lord. I refused to acknowledge His conviction, seek His perspective, and rely on His strength to resist my wandering emotions. It was a recipe for disaster.

I am convinced that the most critical element in protecting your marriage is your personal time alone with God. It is irreplaceable. There are no substitutes—not listening to Christian music or Christian radio, not going to church or attending Bible studies. Only as we spend regular one-on-one time in prayer with the Father and time reading His Word will we keep our heart sensitive to obeying His voice in the face of temptation.

Step 3: Be honest with your husband. Once Stottler and I were aboard the boat, it was only a matter of days before I knew a strong attraction existed between Eric and me. But I failed to use the protection that God had provided to help me lock the door on temptation—honesty with my husband.

As soon as I felt that excitement of attraction toward Eric, I should have told Stottler. Telling your husband is a marvelous way to dispel the mystery of a secret intrigue. As long as no one knows, you nurture that attraction, create romantic scenarios in your mind, and dream the fantasy. But as soon as you invite your husband into the fantasy bubble, it bursts. Its ugliness is exposed. And though revealing the temptation to your husband may feel uncomfortable at the time, doing so will save you both from incredible long-term heartache.

God gives our husbands to us as an umbrella of protection. Their prayers for us are God-ordained coverings of shelter. If I had told Stottler immediately upon sensing my attraction to Eric, my thoughts would have been exposed and Stottler could have prayed for me. His prayers and wisdom could have strengthened me to remain sensitive to God’s leading throughout my dealings with Eric. My accountability friends should have been told as well. Giving an account to others is a wonderful deterrent to disobedience.

I also should have determined never to be alone with Eric and sought Stottler’s accountability on this as well. When the need arose to work with Eric, my husband or one of the team members should have been included.

No secrets

Upon returning home to California, I developed a “No Secrets Policy” toward Stottler. What a relief it was to have the closet door opened and all the darkness exposed! My No Secrets Policy relates to any area of my marriage or my walk with God that will affect my relationship with Stottler. For example, feelings of attraction to another man, past moral indiscretions, impure fantasies, and a stagnant fellowship with the Lord can all create a wedge in a marriage if not dealt with immediately.

Honesty, however, is not an excuse for a lack of restraint in our words. The No Secrets Policy does not give me the right to say anything to my husband that pops into my head, especially on those days when I feel like spitting nails. Spewing every negative thought I may have toward Stottler in a moment of anger or physical depression is a sure way to drive a wedge into our relationship. Those moments require self-control.

Honesty protects both our husbands and us. It helps our husbands know our predisposition toward certain temptations so that they can help us face those challenges. By revealing to Stottler any current temptation I may be facing, he can help me to avoid further disasters. And if I continue pursuing the temptation, I will have to tell him. What a wonderful deterrent that is! It’s easier to just resist the temptation in the first place than to reveal my failure to my husband after the fact.

If establishing honesty in your marriage means exposing an affair from your past, proceed carefully. Make sure you have confessed your sin to the Lord and that your heart is broken over your wrongdoing. Then think through how to reveal this news, knowing that it will most likely elicit strong emotions.

When you reveal a previous or current indiscretion, your husband will very likely be upset. Therefore, you may want to talk with a pastor or a Christian counselor first to receive his wisdom on how to share a dark secret. If your husband has been known to be abusive, ask someone to accompany you. Although building a foundation of honesty may be frightening, keep in mind the words of Dr. Willard Harley: “As painful as it is to discover an affair, very few ever divorce because of it. In most cases, both spouses make adjustments that help avoid a repeat. But without the truth, there is little assurance that it will not happen again.”

Editor’s Note: All of the names have been changed in this article.

I was in my hotel room … with another man … in a deep sleep. My cell phone rang. It must have been about 11:30 p.m.—much too late for anyone to call.

It was my husband, Ryan. “Didn’t you hear that?” he asked. “We’re knocking at your door.”

My head was foggy. I could hardly think. Was I dreaming? Or was the call a cruel joke?

Ryan assured me that he was really standing outside my room with our two boys.

The guy I was with woke up from all of the commotion. I walked over to the door and looked though the peephole.

I knew that the moment I opened the door my life would change. But in a crevice of my heart I was relieved. Strange as it may seem, I was glad that my husband had found me. I even said out loud, “My hero.”

After I swung open the door, Ryan and our 15-year-old son charged through the room. They rushed towards the man, but he took off running. I can still hear his pounding footsteps echo down the hall as they tried to catch him.

When Ryan walked back into the room, he was livid. He kept asking me, “How could you do this?”

You know, I wondered that myself.

How the nightmare began

Any woman who knew my husband then would have thought I was totally flipped out to be with another man. Ryan was uplifting and attentive. He was also a hard worker, but we were just getting by.

So when I got an opportunity to add a little money to the family budget by officiating at girls’ volleyball games, I accepted it. But I quickly got enthralled by the accolades that I was getting—not only from Joe, who assigned my games to me, but also from the other officials.

My husband warned me that Joe was a womanizer. He said that he did not want me to be in a car alone with him. I just could not see it.

I often traveled with Joe and other referees to various tournaments. On one occasion, I knew that Joe and I would be alone as we drove to an out-of-state tournament, but I lied to Ryan. I told him that we were going to pick up another referee on the way.

When Joe and I arrived at the hotel, I had absolutely no intention of being unfaithful to my husband. But Joe kept complaining that his roommate was snoring and that he couldn’t get a good night’s rest.

I didn’t have a roommate, and my room had an extra bed. Joe asked if he could sleep in it. I said that he could—bad mistake! Looking back, he had a clear plan, but I was completely oblivious to it.

Then Joe started to convince me that if I didn’t give him what he wanted, I wouldn’t get the work that I needed. As crazy as it sounds, I persuaded myself that I was doing right by letting Joe have his way. And so we started sleeping together.

Once I was in the relationship, there were times when I welcomed Joe’s affections. And there were times when he must have sensed my resistance. That’s when he’d use his subtle reminders: “You have to do these tournaments.”

The charade was over

A few weeks before Joe and I were caught in my hotel room, God had begun to convict me of my immorality. I longed to stop not only the infidelity but also the refereeing. But instead of obeying God’s Spirit, I keep thinking, How are we going to pay the bills? How are we going to take care of our kids?

Ryan had been doing some thinking, too. He feared that I was being unfaithful and even told our children about his suspicions. When he decided to make the surprise hotel visit, he sincerely hoped that he would only find me in the room.

I knew that my charade was over when I saw my husband through the peephole that night. I also sensed that God had allowed all of this to happen because I would not break the relationship with Joe on my own.

After Ryan and our oldest son unsuccessfully chased Joe, I packed my bag. Then my husband and sons got into one car and I got into another to make the long drive home.

Ryan was so angry with me when we all got home—he almost seemed like he hated me. “Why? Why did you do this?” he kept asking.

Godly counsel

I somehow had to relieve Ryan and let him know that my infidelity wasn’t because of him. I asked God to help me understand my unfaithfulness.

The morning after we got home from the hotel, Ryan and I went to church together. At the end of the service I confessed to the elders what I had done, and we prayed together.

An older couple in our church met with Ryan and me several times and gave us some great counsel. And then some friends gave us the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Ryan and I spent hours and hours discussing the book.

One chapter is about personal and family history. That led me to tell Ryan for the first time that I had been violently raped by a guy I dated. I had been a virgin until then, and had every intention of staying that way until I was married. When my virginity was taken from me, I hated myself.

You know, you go through things in life and figure, “I can put this on the shelf and I don’t have to deal with it. It’s done. I can get over it.” But it just doesn’t work that way. Stuffing my past had made me feel handcuffed. I realized that Joe had not been the first one to intimidate me into submission.

Free at last

Ryan says that he could not have survived my infidelity without his faith in Jesus Christ. He says that when he found me with Joe, he felt like he couldn’t even breathe.

I remember a time when Ryan and I were in our bedroom praying and I was so broken and in such despair. I didn’t even know what kind of creature I had become. I was so disappointed in myself. Why had I put fear of inadequate finances ahead of my values? Why had I believed Joe’s lies?

All I had ever wanted was a wonderful husband and kids. And I had that. And I messed that up and hurt the very ones I loved. I was so rocked by who I had become.

I realized I needed God to forgive me. The confession at church was a turning point; afterwards I felt like all of the yuck was gone and I started laughing. The freedom I was given at that moment was like I was floating on clouds.

I asked the couple counseling Ryan and me why I felt like I was finally free. They asked me to read Romans 8:1-2: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

As I read that Scripture I knew I didn’t have to live in condemnation because of choices or mistakes or things that were done to me. That was all gone.

More in love than ever

Now my thought patterns are different. My purposes are different. I begin my day asking, “What does God need me to do?” In the past, I would have never considered that God wanted to use me for anything.

Before the infidelity, I had felt like I was a workhorse. That was my identity. And because of my date rape, I had felt like I was forever flawed.

But now I think of myself as a vessel. I became something that was mended, like a cracked vase that had been beautifully put back together. I believe those cracks have been transformed into things that happened in my life that God will use.

Ryan and I are more in love today than ever and our marriage is strong. And through God’s and Ryan’s forgiveness, I know that my life is really worth something.

I have a sense of joy and peace and purpose. I want to tell everybody that no matter how big your mess up is, God will forgive you. And I’ve learned that when you ask Him for forgiveness and to cleanse you, He will wash all of the muck away.

Kate found out her husband was having an affair the same week he asked her for a divorce—she didn’t see it coming. She told me, “My ‘gut’ was telling me that things weren’t quite right, but Bob had convinced me I that was just paranoid and insecure. I had no idea he was such a good liar. He talked me out of my suspicions.”

I asked her, “Could you make a list of his unusual behaviors? New actions that weren’t necessarily bad—just odd. But now, looking back, you see them as signs that he was having an affair.” Here is Kate’s top-ten list:

About six months ago, he started working longer hours and having more “client dinners.”
When he was home, he would seem restless and often claim he had “work” to do, so he spent a lot of time in the den—with the door closed.
He started some new patterns that I thought were wonderful. He took the dog for long walks, and offered to run errands for me in the evenings. If I commented that I wished I had some cookies for the kids’ lunches, he’d say, “I’ll be happy to go to the store for you.” I found out later that he’d call his mistress on his cell phone while he was walking or running errands.
He gave me a goofy, silly card for my birthday instead of his usual romantic, sentimental one, and he only signed his name—not Love, Bob.
Our sex life lost its sizzle. On the rare occasions when we did make love, it felt awkwardly cold—just a physical act, not an emotional connection. I think he may have felt as if he was being unfaithful to his girlfriend by sleeping with me.
He started referring to a person at work named Pierce. He would tell me how funny and talented Pierce was. That was his mistress’s last name!
He started to skip desserts and be very careful about what he ate—he lost weight and started exercising.
He dyed his hair—to cover the gray. “She” is twelve years younger than he is.
He seemed more short-tempered. Things that didn’t usually bother him suddenly did. He was especially impatient with the children.
After I saw the way he reacted to “her” at a company party, I asked him if there was something between them, and he lied to my face. Looking back, I know he lied to me about credit card and cell phone bills, and that most of the new clients he’d been taking to dinner were not clients at all.

Kate summed it all up: “I wish I’d been more alert. I just didn’t put all the pieces together until it was too late.”

Warning signs

When Secret Service agents guard the President, they continually scan the crowd. They’re looking for unusual movements or odd behaviors that may be an indication of danger. The agents have studied how innocent people usually behave, so they can spot a person who’s acting “guilty.” We can apply some of these lessons to guarding our marriages.

These warning signs may indicate an affair:

Changing eating and sleeping patterns;
Wearing a different style of clothes;
Starting arguments or becoming very passive;
Working longer or different hours;
Pulling away from church and extended family;
Taking more showers than usual;
Comparing his or her spouse to other people;
Hiding credit card charges and cash withdrawals;
Taking off his or her wedding ring;
Becoming secretive or defensive about phone calls and emails.

You don’t need to be paranoid or to see things that aren’t there. I don’t recommend that you spy on your spouse . . . but if you need to, feel free. It would be wise, however, to be on guard.

Guard yourself

Affairs begin in many ways and for many reasons, so we must be always on guard for the slightest hint of temptation. Corinthians 10:13 says that God will always provide a way of escape, but we have to make a decision to run toward the door. Because hints turn into flirtations, flirtations turn into attractions, attractions turn into affairs, and affairs turn into disasters. When you’re guarding your marriage, you’re not guarding just your spouse, but guarding yourself too. I rationalized my way into a boatload of trouble because I thought, The rules don’t apply to me. I’ve been to Bible College, I’m smart, I have self-control, and I can stop before it gets too far. All lies!

My affair began at work, so I’m an expert on workplace temptation. Once, the most common type of office infidelity was between male bosses and females who were lower-ranking employees, but that’s changed in the last ten years. With more and more women working, the most common office affair is between coworkers. The man I had my affair with (Jake) was not my boss; we were both sales reps—equals.

My relationship with Jake started innocently. I noticed that we laughed at the same things, and he noticed that we liked similar music, so we started to sit together at lunch. We were just friends … until we weren’t.

I remember the first time we went out of the friendship zone and into the danger zone. We were sitting next to each other at a sales meeting when his leg brushed up against mine. I felt a spark at the contact point and was a bit disappointed when he pulled away. A few minutes later, he shifted slightly in his chair and his leg, from knee to thigh, pressed gently against mine. I liked it, and I didn’t pull away.

I should have. But because I didn’t, I sent him a signal that I was unguarded. We both began to look for excuses to be together. If I’d not responded to his flirtations, I would have avoided the biggest regret of my life.

Dealing with attraction

Coworkers sometimes work on projects or solve problems together, and the resulting closeness can build teamwork—but it can also build a feeling of intimacy. If you feel an attraction to someone in your office, consider a transfer to a different department, a different position, or maybe you should quit. No job is more valuable than your marriage. I knew that I could not continue to work with Jake without being tempted, so I quit my job the same day I confessed my affair to my husband.

Be honest with yourself. If you’re dressing to please someone at work or lingering in the parking lot hoping that person will ask you to lunch, stop now, before you’ve gone too far. If you’re in doubt as to what conduct is inappropriate, ask yourself, Would I do this in front of my spouse? And if you’re still not sure, ask yourself, Would I do it in front of the Lord? (You are, you know.) Here is a simple rule to keep you on the straight and narrow: If you’d have to hide it or lie about it—don’t do it!

The key to growing effective guarding hedges is to be honest about your weaknesses, both as individuals and as a couple. Set up distinct boundaries and enforce them. If your spouse reminds you of the rules, don’t be defensive or point out your mate’s faults; accept his or her correction because it’s for the greater good of the marriage. Some of the most difficult phrases to say—you’re right and I’m sorry—can save your marriage—and your love.

When Secret Service agents guard the President, they regard the President’s life as more important than their own individual lives. Guard your marriages in the same way. You may be required to sacrifice part of your individual life—hobbies, profession, TV time, computer time, sports activities—to strengthen your marriage. If you’re both willing to make your marriage a priority, however, and guard it from internal and external dangers, your home will be a safe haven.

How many people cheat on their spouses? What makes them do it? Do they regret their infidelity?

These were some of the questions raised in a recent MSNBC.com/iVillage survey on “Lust, Love & Loyalty.” And though the number of cheating husbands and wives may not be as great as some people would predict, it’s common enough to constitute a serious problem in our culture. But I guess that’s not too surprising, is it?

Among the findings in the survey:

28 percent of married men and 18 percent of married women said they have been unfaithful to their current spouse. (The numbers go up when asked if they’ve ever been unfaithful to a spouse or a “partner.”)
People cheat most often with “a friend or co-worker, and the typical fling lasts less than a week.”
“Many thrive on the excitement they get from a fling (30 percent overall), but men and women are generally prowling for different things. Men want more sex (44 percent), more satisfying sex (38 percent) and variety (40 percent) … Women’s motives range from the need for more emotional attention (40 percent) to being reassured of their desirability (33 percent) or falling in love with someone else (20 percent).”
“About two-thirds of cheaters say they don’t regret their actions, and 12 percent of men and 13 percent of women say they’re glad they cheated. For many ‘it was a life experience, or a daring adventure,’ says [Janet] Lever, the survey’s lead researcher. ‘They had some fabulous sex for a week and they didn’t regret it.’ But many did face lingering feelings of sadness (25 percent), stress (32 percent) and guilt (49 percent).”

As I read through several articles about the “Lust, Love & Loyalty” survey, I was struck by the fact that I was reading a lot more about lust and love than I was about loyalty. And if you are committed to keeping your wedding vows, then loyalty is of prime importance.

So here are three commitments you should make to strengthen your marriage and remain loyal to your spouse.

First, set up some strong boundaries for your relationships with friends and co-workers. For example, avoid having lunch or dinner alone with someone from the opposite sex. If you are meeting at the office with a co-worker of the opposite sex, do so in an open area or in a room with a window into the hallway.

Lois Rabey, author of The Snare, said on a FamilyLife Today radio broadcast that she has several friendships with men, but they are careful about how they treat each other and what they talk about:

“We either meet publicly or it’s all of us with our spouses. We don’t hug … We don’t talk about sexual things, we don’t make jokes about sexual things, we don’t comment to each other a lot in flattering ways … I know that they appreciate me and I appreciate them, but it’s a friendship that’s … a safe place because of those boundaries. We don’t go over those lines.”

Second, avoid emotional adultery. In your conversations with members of the opposite sex, beware of being too honest and vulnerable—especially if you are having any struggles in your marriage. As Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife, writes, “When two people begin talking of intimate struggles, doubts, or feelings, they may be sharing their souls in a way that God intended exclusively for the marriage relationship. Emotional adultery is friendship with the opposite sex that has progressed too far.”

Finally, work on making your marriage relationship exciting. As the survey indicated, many people cheat because they are seeking excitement—often the romantic excitement they experienced during courtship and early in marriage. It’s easy to allow a marriage relationship to become dry and boring; you’ve got to work continually at keeping your relationship fresh. When was the last time you went off for a day or a weekend with your spouse? When was the last time you went on a real date? You may be overdue for the type of romantic excitement that will help you stay loyal to your spouse.

Nancy repeated the statement I could not understand: “I’m moving out.”

I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought, Who is this woman? My wife of two years had become an instant stranger.

“What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?” I asked.

“I’m unhappy … lonely … miserable actually,” she replied. “There, I said it. You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us, we’ll get closer.”

I touched her arm, but she pulled away. “That doesn’t make any sense,” I said. “How can distance make us closer?’

“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here. I need some time to sort things out—a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you … that I ever did.”

I stood frozen as I begged, “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”

She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.

A hidden affair

I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often, and that my need to be “right” often made her wrong.

I knew that, lately, she had been distant.

But I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.

During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say, “I gotta go” and hang up.

I asked friends to “spy” on her, and they told me that she seemed fine. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone.

When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed our marriage was over. Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (read Nancy’s book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome for the full story) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”

“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”

She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work. But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”

Rebuilding our marriage

The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time. I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would become frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.

When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell, that was as much as we could have hoped for.

The first thing we did was get godly advice from a wise Christian couple. Then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials like HomeBuilders Series. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a godly wife supposed to do?” We learned biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them.

Another important ingredient to healing was that we offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.

When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync—together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.

Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle, I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.

A new personal mission

Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding. For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife.” It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.

I did not ask for details of Nancy’s affair. I didn’t want to obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future we were building. I read Philippians 4:8, which helped me think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.

But I made it my personal mission to understand my wife.

I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy. I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.

I learned that if my wife says, “You’re tailgating and it’s scaring me,” I should stop tailgating. If I love her, why would I want to frighten her?

The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have “brush fire arguments”—little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we extinguished the brushfires, the intimacy grew and our love grew.

Soon, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back. She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.

The truth is the truth

I never regretted my choice to forgive Nancy. It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.

Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was not an attentive, loving, encouraging husband. She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home. Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault.

We had to learn that the Word of God is our value system and though our emotions may change, God’s Word doesn’t change. The truth is the truth.

Our theory is: Always work at fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.

We are amazed at how far we’ve come; we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. Our 21-year-old son often sees us holding hands and sees that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.

We had a broken home, but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it is fully restored and stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered our marriage … but it saved our marriage, too.

We can close our eyes to it. We can try to forget that it’s there. We can make every attempt to eliminate its impact. However, try as we might, we cannot ignore the past. For some, the past is a blessing. For others it contains only memories of pain. And for others, the past holds a dark secret. Extramarital affairs may have ended in the past, but unless they are shared and dealt with, they will continue to impact the present and threaten the future.

Although your spouse may currently be unaware of what has happened, your marriage is still suffering the very real ramifications as a result. There exists some elusive wall in your intimacy. Neither of you can quite put your finger on it, but both of you know it is there. Your marriage is being robbed of all that God intends for it by concealing this sin against your spouse. Though it may seem to be working fine, it stands in great need of repair. If you have had an extramarital affair, you must be the one to initiate the repair process.

To repair the damage that has been done to your marriage, you must first understand the nature of an affair. All affairs are not the same and for that reason you should have different expectations regarding the response and healing that is needed. A “one-night stand”, though a very serious sin, is often easier to forgive than an extended emotionally romantic affair. In the latter, there is deep personal relationship, which indicates an even deeper betrayal of the marriage covenant. An affair should never be treated lightly, regardless of its duration. However, the degree of pain, betrayal and devastation can vary. No matter the nature of the affair, though, you must eventually share this with your spouse if you are to reach true oneness.

Desiring honesty and oneness is wonderful. However, knowing how to go about sharing this sin from your past can be difficult. How can you make sense of it all? How can you know what actions to take? Look at the course of action detailed below.

There is one point that must be highlighted prior to moving on to the “how to” section. Involving a third party should seriously be considered. Whether it is a pastor, a counselor, or a trusted and mature Christian couple, both you and your spouse may need someone else to guide you and provide a good and godly perspective. Discuss this with whomever you go to when you seek godly counsel and come up with a plan.

1. Deal first with God

Agree with God

Marriage is the only appropriate place for romantic intimacy to occur.
Your extramarital romantic intimacy was/is sin.

For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight. (from David’s confession of his affair with Bathsheba) Psalm 51:3-4

Seek forgiveness from God

God freely grants forgiveness to a truly broken and repentant heart

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

Once you’ve received his forgiveness, your sins are never again counted against you

2. Deal next with Yourself

Expectations

While God’s forgiveness is glorious, your spouse may not be able to respond as God does
A restored relationship may take a very long time

Defensiveness

As you prepare to share this sin with your spouse, understand that they will be hurt. Avoid the natural tendency to defend yourself. A broken covenant hurts everyone involved. The one who broke it is bound to receive great blame and criticism. This is an unfortunate but necessary consequence of the sin.

The future

The road you are about to enter is a long one. One where you may not be trusted. One where your spouse may be suspicious, questioning and distant. As unwanted as this is, it is necessary. You will need to earn those back. This will take longer than you want. You must prepare yourself to allow those to develop in your spouse’s timing, not yours. (We’ll look at this in some detail later under Steps You Must Take.)

3. Sharing an Affair with Your Spouse

Before

Pray for your spouse and your marriage
Seek godly counsel.
Determine the proper place and time.

During

Explain why you are sharing this now and haven’t before.
Give the big picture, not the details.
Be prepared, though, to answer detailed questions.
4. Ask for forgiveness for the impact your past has had on your marriage.
Offer to discuss boundaries that will rebuild trust

After

Don’t expect immediate results. Recovery can be slow.
Understand that trust must be rebuilt.
Obtain an accountability partner.

Remember, that having an affair is a betrayal of a sacred promise. Your spouse’s response can vary between any combination of surprise, anger, depression, bitterness, desire for revenge and marital or physical isolation. Healing can be a long process possibly involving counseling with a third party. The exact combination of these depends on your spouse and your specific situation.

Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must commit to the success of your marriage. While the power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of your spouse, your desire and resolve must be steadfast. Here are some keys to help you substantiate your commitment to your spouse.

Steps you must take

Cut off all contact

There can exist NO relationship or personal contact between you and the other person involved in the affair. Absolutely none! Extreme action may be necessary to accomplish this. It may even include changing jobs or moving to another state. Once this step is taken, no level of contact should be re-established.

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. Matthew 5:30

Set your priorities

Faithfully pursue your relationship with God. This cannot be overstated. You will need God’s continued grace to remain steadfast in your commitment to your marriage. You will continue to grow in integrity and character as you grow in your relationship with God.
Faithfully pursue your relationship with your spouse. Your marriage is the most important human relationship God has given you. Resist the temptation to prioritize your children, your work, or even your ministry above your spouse. Your spouse’s place in your heart must never be questioned.

Rebuild trust

The actual affair, in addition to the time that has passed from then to now, has built a wall between you and your spouse. While the affair was a large contributor, the time added to the wall one brick at a time. Therefore, taking that wall down will occur one brick at a time, as the days, weeks and months pass. Resist the temptation to become impatient.
Answer questions your spouse has. They may want to know exactly what you have been doing at work all day. They may want a minute-by-minute report. With great humility, reply with honesty and grace. Don’t always wait to be asked. Readily share the details of your day. This will reassure your spouse that you are committed to an open relationship and to their accountability.
Begin a “No Secrets Policy” – commit to answering all of your spouse’s questions. Other areas of your life that you may not have spoken of in much detail should be opened up to create a relationship environment of trust and vulnerability.
Obtain an accountability partner. This can be someone more mature than you in the faith or another Christian at your level of maturity. The point is to develop a transparent relationship. Your accountability partner should have access to ask you anything, at anytime. You should call them if ever you are tempted to sin, either in your thoughts or in your body.

Sometimes, the right thing is difficult. Sometimes, it seems impossible. And sometimes, the right thing has significant consequences. Such is the case in confessing an affair to your spouse. We cannot promise its ease. We cannot guarantee a certain conclusion. All we can say with certainty is this – it is right and it is obedient to the commands of God.

As you take action in confessing an affair, place your trust in the forgiving God who has set aside your sin and chooses to remember it no more. Pursue him like never before. Rely upon him for your strength and comfort. Pray for his blessing.

It began as a search on classmates.com. I was looking for college friends when Danny’s name just popped into my head.* I shot him a quick e-mail, and he responded from overseas. And so began a three-year online affair that almost destroyed two families.

Although the online affair started as a friendship, this changed when Danny and I began to share our marital problems with each other. It’s easy to become vulnerable to another man coming in and telling you what you want to hear … replacing him for your husband as your friend and confidant. We never physically saw each other during the three years, but I was ready to end my marriage because of him.

I felt like my husband, Bill, and I were basically roommates. I had a “pity me” outlook, thinking that life is all about me and that I deserve to be happy. I believed Bill cared little about me as a person.

The children (then 16, 12, and 7) saw my husband and me argue a lot, and the stress level in our home was like a roller coaster. Despite this, when I said that I wanted to separate, Bill seemed surprised. He realized there was distance in our relationship but hadn’t been able to figure out why. That’s because I had not shared my deep feelings of discontentment with him, and my relationship with Danny was a secret.

A cold heart

Then Bill heard about a contest on a local radio station, KCIS. They were giving away a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway for the best answer to, “Why our marriage needs a Weekend to Remember.” Bill entered … and won.

He hoped the conference might breathe new life into our marriage. While I reluctantly agreed to attend, I was determined not to change my mind about leaving Bill. I felt that I could not live the rest of my life with him. The thought of that was terrifying.

When Bill and I stepped into the conference ballroom in the winter of 2005, my heart was cold towards him and God. I put myself in what I call “Survival Mode.” I decided that I would get through the day and fall apart later. Deep down inside I was afraid that God would try to reach me, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted that. I had been very good at justifying my sin and my rights.

I felt nervous at the Weekend to Remember. Although I had been truthful in letting Bill know I was at my wit’s end in the marriage, he knew nothing about Danny. I really began to feel the weight of my sin pushing down on me.

I felt like the wall that was up around my fantasy life was slowly being chipped away and crumbling. I wrestled with the principles and Scriptures that were presented. It was eye-opening when one of the speakers explained that God had given me Bill, and for me to not accept him was to refuse a perfect gift from God.

At the conference, Bill and I realized that a lot of our problems stemmed from a lack of communication skills. We recognized our pattern of arguing and then sweeping the issues under the carpet until they flared up again. Until the Weekend to Remember, we didn’t know how to solve problems and communicate in a godly manner.

We learned that we needed to listen to each other without attacking. We realized that it’s okay to be different … that it’s a blessing and not a hindrance.

Growing closer, but feeling trapped

After the marriage conference we started going to a marriage counselor at our church. I started to see some wonderful changes in Bill. Instead of focusing on what he thought his rights were in our marriage, he wanted to serve, understand, and encourage me. He didn’t pressure me at all concerning our sexual relationship and let me know that he loved me for me and not for sex. We started to cultivate companionship in our relationship. Bill began to listen to my needs as a woman, and he told me that he cherished me and wanted to meet my needs.

Despite my growing love for Bill, I continued in my secret online affair. At the same time I was in a woman’s Bible study and the conference material was embedded in my mind. I slowly recognized my sin as sin and knew that true healing could not begin until I chose to end my relationship with Danny and tell Bill. But I just didn’t know how to do this and felt trapped.

As I was struggling with God about when to tell my secret, He decided to choose the time for me.

A life-changing phone call

I’ll never forget that April morning when the kids, Bill, and I were all enjoying a beautiful spring day. We had just returned from vacation and were talking in the kitchen. I can even remember hearing birds chirping. That tranquil picture disintegrated when I answered a phone call from Danny’s wife. Bill was standing by me so I couldn’t hide what was going on. She had found our e-mails and was livid.

I told Bill that the e-mails were from the early years of my marriage, and said that I had not been in recent contact with Danny. He believed me until Danny’s wife called him at work and left a detailed message about how recent the affair was.

Bill called and confronted me over the phone. I confessed and felt as if my world was coming to an end. I couldn’t get control over my emotions or myself. I wanted to die at that point and Bill was devastated.

We went to our counselor, and I confessed the affair to him. He told us that I needed to e-mail Danny, with Bill beside me, and tell him that I never wanted to have contact with him again. I did what he said, and it was a breaking point for me. I realized that I was so far into sin and that it was about to cost me dearly with my husband, kids, and my relationship with God. I didn’t want that. I made a vow that day to repent fully and turn completely from this affair.

My husband extended forgiveness to me immediately. I’m so thankful for the godly man I have been given.

True freedom

Bill and I returned to our second Weekend to Remember last November. I went to that conference free … free of sin, free of guilt, free to hear everything God wanted me to hear to impact my marriage for Him. My ears were truly open and eager to absorb the material. It was also very emotional for me. I felt twinges of regret that I had grieved God so much and wounded my husband.

I have gone from a place where I had no feelings of love for my husband to a place where I now can receive him as my perfect mate. To see our love bloom is amazing. Although the journey has been very painful, I never thought that God could change the hardness of my heart.

Today the kids are thriving. They are learning better communication skills because Bill and I are modeling them. They all signed the bottom of our marriage recommitment certificate, and it hangs on our bedroom wall. Seeing us work through such a difficult time with the love of our church family and God has given the kids a feeling of safety and stability. They know that God can do anything in even the most hopeless situation.

It’s hard to believe that I became emotionally detached from my own husband and felt emotionally connected to a man who lives across the ocean. Sometimes I shake my head and wonder: How did it happen?

I was just so far in sin and didn’t know how to break free. I felt as if I was leading a double life. It was exhausting. The weight of carrying on that deception finally got unbearable. I praise God that He revealed my sin. My prayer is that no other woman will take that step over the line like I did.

*Danny is a fictitious name.

Tom and Brenda Preston returned home after speaking at a church-sponsored marriage conference. They were totally unprepared for what awaited them.

One of their sons, Evan, who had just graduated from high school, had left a scribbled message saying that he was leaving home-that he could no longer live in deceit.

“It was devastating for us to get that note,” Tom recalls. “We really did not know what he meant by it because we had not seen a lot of things that were going on in his life….I was literally weak in the knees.”

Brenda remembers, “It was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I was afraid….It was very painful.”

After frantically making some phone calls to locate Evan, Tom and Brenda began to think the worst. They pictured him in a dreadful place, making choices that would harm him for the rest of his life.

Tom began worrying and questioning God. “Lord, can this be real? If this was going to happen, why didn’t it happen when we were doing everything wrong [in our marriage]?” he asked. “Why, after we started doing things right, does our kid up and run away? It doesn’t seem right!”

He remembered Isaiah 43:26, where God says, “Let us argue our case together…” Tom began to pace back and forth in his living room. “I argued, and I argued,” Tom says. “And of course the more I argued the more I realized that I did not have a case to argue-we are in His hands.”

While Tom and Brenda were running to the Lord, Evan was running away from Him. As he grew older, he began to question the value of the Christian faith. “I hung around the wrong crowd,” he says. “Once I started, it was more fun. The biggest [influence] was the friends-people who respected me if I could drink more or fight more. People thought I was cool.”

Evan finally returned home after 72 hours, but that marked the beginning of years of disappointment for his parents. Tom and Brenda were driven to their knees numerous times. Brenda claimed Hosea 2:6, which describes Hosea praying for a protective hedge to be put around his wife to keep her from doing the things that were contrary to God’s will. She and Tom prayed daily that God would put such a hedge of protection around their son.

God honored their prayers. Once, when Evan was camping with a group of people, he decided to stand up to a man who had just gotten out of prison. “He hit me,” Evan said, “and he got a gun out of his car, but one of the guys got him [before anything happened].” Later, when Evan told his parents what had happened, they said that they had been impressed to pray for him at the exact time of the incident.

On another occasion, when the Prestons returned from a weekend conference, Tom discovered traces of marijuana in the living room. After three days of prayer, he confronted Evan. “I told him that his mother and I were united in what I was about to discuss with him,” Tom says. “I wanted him to know this was the last time that we would have this conversation. If I found it after that, he would have 30 minutes to gather his belongings under my supervision and leave.”

Tom asked Evan if he understood. Evan did and remarked, “I would not have put up with it as long as you have.”

Years passed. Evan moved out of the Preston home, joined the army, and married. Still, the Lord continued to pursue him.

Finally, he recalls: “I had nothing left but my parents. I had been forced into a situation I could not fix and called my parents and asked them what to do. They had not shut me out. They shared Christ and I accepted Him. For the first time I understood what it meant to be saved.

“God showed me everything I was, without excuses. He confronted me-how I was selfish, manipulative, judgmental, and arrogant. Once I confessed and realized that I could not [do anything to be accepted by God], I did not have to pretend. God said that I could not do it, but He would do it. I had always thought I had to be like my parents but could not.”

Evan’s life has completely turned around. Today he is the father of two daughters and twin sons, leads a Bible study at work, and participates with his wife, Tami, in a Bible study with his parents.

Tom and Brenda have certainly seen the grace of God in action. They are so grateful to have two sons who are now both committed to the Lord. “To be honest,” Tom said, “I anticipated that God would fix things somehow, but I never, in my wildest imagination, thought Evan and his wife would ask us to lead them in a Bible study.”

Tom’s advice to parents is simple: “Never ever, ever stop praying and never stop believing God.”

“Just a week before the I Still Do™ event,” she said, “I used the ‘D word’ against my husband in front of our daughters.”

The “D word” is “divorce.” And that’s a word that children don’t like to hear from the lips of their parents.

“My 9-year-old broke down and cried, exclaiming ‘What’s happening?’ She could not understand where all this horrible fighting had come from. Her heart was broken—and I broke it.”

Despite the tension in their marriage—or perhaps because of it—she and her husband were among the 4,000 in attendance at I Still Do in Chicago on August 2, 2014. After a day of practical and biblical messages about commitment, reconciliation, and fulfilling your marriage vows, she felt her marriage was on a new track. “Coming here changed the course of things,” she said, “and let me see where I need to start. First with Christ.”

Anyone who follows FamilyLife knows that we often encourage couples to attend marriage events like I Still Do, the Weekend to Remember®, or The Art of Marriage® video series. But for us it’s not about filling seats. It’s about changing marriages by changing people—showing them how to walk with God. The value of events like these is they help couples get away from their normal lives—even for a day—to focus on their relationship. The experience gives them a fresh perspective of their spouse, their vows, and their need for Christ. And with many, it gives them the courage to reconcile and recommit.

That’s what you see in the comments from an event like I Still Do in Chicago:

We were thinking of separating before this event, but a friend bought us tickets for us to attend. The event changed everything. We are now looking at making our marriage stronger.

We came in arguing our way to the event. Now, we want to keep the fire burning. This helped us to remember our promise to each other.

You did open heart surgery on my stony heart!

I have seen the man I fell in love with, the man I thought was gone. The man that I had destroyed. I realize that now. He is not gone and he won’t be “missing” ever again! I love him today and forever.

For 29 years, I have called myself a Christian, but today my head knowledge and belief finally flooded my heart. I feel free to stop striving and controlling and just love God and love people. My husband first and my kids second.

Before I Still Do I was having a hard time forgiving my husband for something that nearly ruined our marriage. Now, I’m excited for our marriage journey to begin! I’ve taken the first step towards forgiveness and feel so much closer to God. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I was already giving up, but this event gave us hope (and hope in Christ!)

Hearing my husband say he forgives me is still overwhelming me.

Better than the day I got married!

It is good to be with others who feel the same way we do—that marriage matters. It’s like an injection infusing our veins, giving us renewed hope. Thank you and God bless you! The renewing of our vows was wonderful!

Already filed for divorce. I really don’t know yet. We just want God’s will. She said vows she said she wouldn’t say. So that is a step. Pray for us.

I cried almost every minute because the messages from speakers, actors, comedians and worship singer touched my heart. Only problem was I left Kleenex in the car!

Husband is 80, I am 72 and he has a cognitive brain disease that can lead to Alzheimer’s and today is actually our 28^th anniversary. We wanted to recommit to our love for each other now and in our unknown future. Thank you!

All these comments came from evaluations at the event. But many people also tweeted about I Still Do:

I love love love reconciliation.

Woke up this morning & realized I renewed my vows last night! God keep making me a better leader.

So what is the secret to a happy marriage or joyful relationship? The secret is one key ingredient—Jesus!

When was the last time you made a big investment in your marriage? Whether your relationship is strong, weak, or somewhere in between, one thing is true: Every marriage needs renewal and refreshment. Perhaps it’s time for you to pull away from your daily routine and attend a marriage event.

What is wellness, anyway? At first blush most of us would answer in terms of our physical health. But is physical health all there is to wellness? If wellness requires us to complete a marathon at one hundred, most of us won’t make it.

Thankfully, wellness is much more than physical health and freedom from distressing symptoms. Wellness involves the whole of our being, which includes six distinct areas: physical, mental, social, financial, spiritual, and emotional. These areas of wellness are not independent but are all interrelated. Each area contributes to the well-being of each of the others. At the same time, struggles in one area may detract from wellness in each of the others.

Wellness defined

I define wellness as that blessed state of experiencing all spheres of life functioning in harmony with God’s ordained purpose. Let us unpack that statement:

blessed … is a word frequently used in both Old and New Testaments. It speaks of a state of good fortune, being well off and happy. True blessing is a gift from God, not something we earn. We have some responsibility to create an environment where He can work, but fundamentally it is God who graciously blesses us. Even the things we do to pursue wellness are possible because He give us the wisdom, motivation, and ability.
state of experiencing … emphasizes that wellness is not just an objective fact but a subjective experience. It allows us to say not only, “I am well,” but also, “I feel well.”
all spheres of life … indicates that wellness involves the whole person. It includes all six areas we are considering.
functioning … implies that wellness is not only a state of being but is also what we do.
in harmony with … suggests the deep, satisfying peace that comes from sharing together and being united with something that is much bigger than ourselves.
God’s ordained purpose. To be well we need a purpose that gives meaning and significance to our lives today and will continue to do so until the day we die. What better purpose could we have than being part of God’s eternal purpose and allowing Him to dictate how every part of our lives will contribute to His overall plan? Right from the start we need to appreciate that being in harmony with God’s ordained purpose does not mean everything will be sunshine and roses, since His plan will include difficulties. When I struggle in life I often quote from one of my favorite psalms: “One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving” (Psalm 62:11-12 NIV). If I affirm that God is able to do what He wants (He is strong) and that He is loving, I can joyfully conclude that everything that happens is under His control and will result in what He knows is best. This is the gist of what Paul writes: “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Once I am in harmony with God’s purpose, I can be well, regardless of my circumstances. I can know I am in the right spot, and I can rest comfortably.

True wellness

If we are to aim for the unity in our lives that allows for true wellness, we need to consider each part of our lives and examine how it fits into this big picture. We need to consider our physical, mental, social, financial, spiritual, and emotional states and determine how they could better allow us to live to the glory of God.

Adapted excerpt taken from Wellness for the Glory of God, © 2014 by John Dunlop, MD. Used by permission of Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, IL 60187, www.crossway.org

While driving one day, I was stopped at a busy intersection, and I looked up to see a beautiful vibrant rainbow arching across the sky. Awed by the sight, I scanned the other drivers to see if they shared my appreciation, but none saw it—not a single one.

I wanted to roll down my window and shout, “How are you missing this? It’s beautiful!” But they were so concerned with the road and the traffic that they never noticed the giant display of color above all the busyness.

I often thought about that day as I traveled a different kind of road—one of tragedy and suffering. On an ordinary September afternoon my husband was driving his normal business route when he was hit head-on by a passing driver, instantly leaving me a widow with a newborn and a 2-year-old.

What was once a calm, stable life violently changed into a hurricane of emotions and actions. There were life-altering decisions to make, paperwork to gather and fill out, and my children to care for, including nursing the baby full-time, not to mention the personal grief and loneliness to face.

But somehow God’s Holy Spirit showed me the rainbow of graces above my circumstances. That vibrant display of love gave me hope and reminded me that there was someone larger than this life who is in control.

The apostle Paul was a man who understood trials and suffering in many ways, including physical illness, persecution, and injustice. He gives this advice to those who are experiencing hardship:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18, emphasis mine)

It’s so easy to focus on the grief and the sadness and the self-pity because that’s what we can see—the absence of a loved one, the overwhelming increase of work load, the reality of a new life that we didn’t want. It takes discipline to make yourself step back from the immediate circumstances and pay attention to the blessings that come from the sorrow. But if we will only lift our eyes to heaven, to what is unseen, we will find peace there, just as Jesus promised in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

My personal graces

When you look for the graces that take place in your life from tragedy, you will find them. I’m not talking about pretending that the pain doesn’t exist, or putting on a “happy face,” a mask that hides your true feelings. All of the negative emotions must be dealt with and paid attention to. As a driver at that busy intersection, I couldn’t stop in the middle of the road and stare at a rainbow in the sky. I had to attend to the task at hand. But I caught glimpses of it, and I was able to experience its beauty, if only briefly.

We can be honest about how much the wounds hurt and at the same time be thankful for all that God is doing in our lives through suffering. We don’t have to choose one over the other. Both are true. As a matter of fact, knowing that God was using this tragedy in my life to help others and build my character helped me through it. To me, that’s what made the journey of sorrow worth enduring.

In my situation, the graces came in many ways, the first being the outpouring of love from the body of Christ. It was a remarkable experience to be so loved and cared for. I wanted for nothing. For the first six months, I had constant company, meals, gifts, cards, and letters. My neighbors joined up to buy me a deep freezer. Several men in a church I don’t even attend winterized and manicured my lawn, which took several long days of physical labor. I was shocked and humbled by the amount of thoughtful attention I received.

The second show of grace was in the tender and patient love of God for me. I had many questions and fears, even of God Himself. I wondered if He still loved me. I wondered if He had removed His hand of protection and blessing from me. But in response to each violent question He had a gentle answer. The Holy Spirit spoke to my heart with loving-kindness, like a caring father who had compassion for my pain but knew that this was the road that I must travel. The answers often came to my heart in almost a whisper.

The third show of grace has been the amount of ministry that has occurred as a result of this tragedy. There isn’t enough room in this article to explain the many ways God has used my husband’s testimony and mine to reach hardened hearts, troubled marriages, and encourage believers. Second Corinthians 1:3-5 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”

Would I have chosen this painful road to see such graces? No, but I feel privileged to have seen life from this point of view. There are many who will never experience the kind of love I’ve been shown or the kind of faith it takes to walk this journey, so I’m honored to receive such gifts even at so great a cost.

How to find these graces when you just can’t see

There are times when we are so handicapped by heartache that we just can’t open our eyes to see. You may even feel like you are paralyzed or blinded by it, like it’s impossible to look beyond yourself. But there are some things you can do to help find the display of grace around you.

For me, the first thing I had to do was pray. I believed that God was in control and I trusted His word in Romans 8:28, “We know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” But because I was very weak, I begged Him to please show me how He was using this in my life.

I knew it wasn’t God’s obligation to prove anything to me, as He chastised Job, “Will you even put me in the wrong? Will you condemn me that you may be in the right? Have you an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like his?” (40:8-9). I didn’t demand anything from Him, but I pleaded for His mercy. And I believe He has graced my prayer with many answers that I did not deserve, but am grateful for.

Another helpful step was making a list. For some reason, writing things down helps me think through situations and broadens my perspective. I began with a list of all I had lost. That was the easy part. Then I made a list of gains. It started out small, but once I began to look outside of myself and see how others were affected, the list grew faster and longer. As my heart softened in response to the evidence of God’s work, it became clear how I had personally gained treasures as well. For example, my youngest brother came to live with me and my children. Whereas I used to see him mainly at holidays and birthdays, he is now a close, dear friend. That is something that never would have happened had my husband not died.

Last and most importantly, in order to see beyond your grief to the blessings, allow me to admonish you to read the Bible. There is so much comfort in the words of Scripture; I honestly don’t know how anyone can endure the grieving process without a steady diet of God’s Word in his life.

There are so many passages of Scripture that comfort the bleeding heart. The book of John forces our attention to Jesus Himself, who suffered more than anyone on earth, and who embodies the hope of eternal life. The book of Job chronicles the story of a man who endured tragedy and grief and God’s response to him. The book of Psalms, with poetic expressions of fear, sorrow, hope, and joy! Throughout the pages of Scripture, you can find the understanding and meaning that one seeks during times of such great sorrow that will point you to the graces that you are having trouble seeing.

There is a rainbow in your situation

If you are in the middle of a difficult or tragic situation, you may be skeptical that any good has come from it. But if you are a believer, God has promised a purpose, even if that purpose is something you cannot see. Consider the words of Peter: “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:6-7).

This concept of suffering as a value to your character is repeated in James 1:2-4: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Just the act of enduring suffering is a treasure in and of itself so that we might grow and become stronger as believers. As Isaiah 61:4 reminds us, when a life is redeemed by the Messiah, beauty comes from ashes. A life that has endured destruction is a fertile ground that grows faith, perseverance, and character. Cultivate the unseen treasures, and God will reward your faithfulness with an abundant life.

When someone we love is taken from us prematurely, when the city is outraged by a senseless killing, when terrorists break into a school and slaughter innocents in the name of heaven, when our minds are reeling with the ugly legacies of megadeath, when the world seems anything but safe and life is turning out to be a nasty business, we get the feeling that we are looking at something terribly wrong.

I felt that way after Nancy died. In 1993 we were fifteen years into building our family. We had these three incredible girls who were just in love with life and about as eager to embrace the best that the world has to offer as three little girls could be.

Then the phone call came. “Mrs. Hendricks, this is Dr. Knox’s office. Dr. Knox needs to see you right away. Can you come in this afternoon?” Instantly Nancy knew by the tone of the nurse and by the urgency to schedule the appointment that she was facing her worst nightmare: breast cancer.

I held her as she collapsed into sobs, raw fear emanating from her throat. And the words, over and over again, “I’m going to die! I’m going to die! Oh, honey, I’m going to die!” It was pointless to point out that we had not even heard the diagnosis. Nancy knew in her gut before she even met with Dr. Knox that this “thing” was ultimately going to be the death of her. Turns out she was right.

After she died, I did have that feeling of, “What happened? Things were going along so well. Nancy was just living her life. So was I. We were trying to build a family, just minding our own business. Now what do I do?”

“Is that It?”

There’s a word for what I was experiencing. It’s the same word for what many have experienced the morning they woke up to a new and very unpleasant reality that they’d never expected and certainly never asked for. Whatever that morning and whenever it dawned, they woke up and thought, What’s happened? I didn’t expect this. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to deal with this. This isn’t what I want for my life. And eventually, hemmed in by the claustrophobic fact that “this” is indeed what they are stuck with, the quandary arose: Now what am I going to do?

If you’ve ever been at that point, you were experiencing the Hebrew word hebel. Hebel is the experience of having one’s hopes and expectations dashed to pieces. The essence of the word has to do with something fleeting, transitory, empty. It’s like a vapor or a puff of smoke. Something is right there where you can see it—and then it’s not there. It has vanished away.

There’s also a sense or disappointment in hebel, and a sense of frustration. Just when you most need that thing that you most care about—it’s gone! It’s no longer there. And when that happens, you suddenly feel like you’re standing in midair, gaping in bewilderment and with nothing to support you. Worse than feeling shocked, you feel betrayed. As if life has let you down.

That’s the experience of hebel. Futility.

When I was in the middle of Nancy’s ordeal, I turned frequently to a book in the Old Testament that is entirely devoted to the experience of futility. That may strike you as an odd thing to do, since I guess most people in my situation would be looking for something to cheer them up. But I wasn’t looking to get cheered up. Cheer could change my mood, but it couldn’t change my outlook. For that I needed insight. I found it in the enigmatic book of Ecclesiastes.

Ecclesiastes is all about life “under the sun,” as the writer puts it. That is, life down here on planet Earth. Life on this side of heaven. The writer examines area after area of human experience—from nature, to food and drink, to commerce, to government, to law, to power, to money, to wisdom, to folly, to religious devotion, to love, to birth, to youth, to old age, to succession and inheritance, to death. He examines each area and says, “Here is what I have seen,” and then he pronounces a conclusion.

His overall conclusion is this: “All is hebel.” All is futility. All is fleeting, transitory, empty, vanishing. Everything “under the sun,” everything down here on earth, everything we humans experience on this side of heaven is tainted in some way by futility. Everything.

My intent here is not to make you feel depressed by discussing life’s emptiness. But I’m a strong believer in facing reality as it actually is. And when Nancy and I and our girls were plunging into the abyss, I wanted to know reality. I wanted to know whether what I was facing had any connection to something meaningful. Or were my family and I just the butt of a cosmic joke? In sifting through all the things I had been told about the nature of the world—from parents, from friends, from books, from teachers, from ministers, from poets, from filmmakers, from comedians, from musicians, from the lifetime of voices collected in my head—I kept finding my way back to Ecclesiastes.

Simple gifts

In a world of futility, the writer of Ecclesiastes tells us, there are some valuable gifts that God gives us in the midst of this precarious life. They are quite simple gifts, really: food, family, work, laughter. Ecclesiastes tells us over and over that if we are given those sorts of things, we should take joy in them. They are gifts from God’s hands in a world marked by hebel. It is also a gift if we can enjoy them.

I have been given remarkable gifts in the midst of my own life “under the sun.” Nancy herself was a gift. Nancy was a planner. Once she got an idea in her mind for something that needed to happen, she could put together all the steps needed to get from here to there. And then she’d work those steps with relentless determination.

When she and I moved to Dallas from Boston in 1982, she decided that she had to have a vegetable garden. I tried to explain the challenges of gardening in Texas. But she dismissed all that. I’m sure she was thinking, What does he know?

Unfortunately for squash, Texas is not New England.

We were standing by the garden one evening, talking and occasionally bending over to pull out a grass shoot that had strayed into the plot. All of a sudden, Nancy let out a cry. “Hey!” She was batting at one of the plants. “Get off there!” She flicked a bug off the leaf and shook her head in disgust.

“Honey, they’re eating my plants!” She had tears in her eyes. “What are they?” she asked, looking at me like I was to blame. I shrugged.

At that point in time, I had never heard the word hebel. Didn’t matter. Nancy and I were getting an introductory course in the meaning of the concept.

Well, every evening after dinner, Nancy was out at the garden, picking off squash bugs one by one. And sure enough, a few small squash began to grow. Never were any squash watched over more or better than that handful of squash. It was as if Nancy was on a mission from God to ensure that those squash made it to our table.

And one night they did. As I sat down to dinner, Nancy turned from the stove with a look of utter vindication. She set a bowl on the table. It was steaming with squash. A little butter. A little seasoning. I think she had put a little Parmesan cheese on it too. I don’t know what all she had done to prepare it. All I know is that I had the good sense to say, “Wow, this looks great!” She was smiling with pride.

And you know what? That squash was great. It may have been the best I’ve ever tasted. But who cares whether it was? What mattered was that Nancy had eked out a few decent squash from all other labors. That was terribly satisfying to her. And the squash tasted great. And we enjoyed talking and laughing about what it had taken to grow those squash. And I was proud of her. And I was married to her, committed to her. And we were happy. And we had created a moment in our life together. A memory.

Hidden treasures

And so when Ecclesiastes says, “Here is what I have seen to be good and fitting: to eat, to drink and enjoy oneself in all one’s labor in which he toils under the sun during the few years of his life which God has given him; for this is his reward,” I have found that to be utterly true.

And when Ecclesiastes tells me to “enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which [God] has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun,” I have found that to be utterly true. I have found that life “under the sun” is indeed marked by hebel. Futility. Not absurdity. Life is not pointless. It has meaning. But life is marred by an inevitable futility— whether it’s squash bugs in the garden, or cancer in a breast.

Yet there’s grace, even in a fallen world. Even in a fallen world, God grants us simple gifts, simple rewards. Like a bowl of fresh squash. Like the smile of a spouse. Like the laughter of a good joke. Like a garden—bugs and all.

About a dozen men sat at the table in a prestigious country club, all former executives and highly successful. Leaders. Champions. Bright, intelligent minds. These were risk takers who’d been checkered with success and failure.

Married between 45 to 60 years, these men clearly had plenty to share with a younger generation. Their grey heads only added to their dignity.

They had asked me to talk for 10 minutes about what FamilyLife was doing to strengthen marriages and families. As I unpacked what we were doing, I casually mentioned that I would be speaking to a gathering of executives a couple of days later about “Qualities of a Patriarch.”

What happened next was fascinating. It was as though I’d touched an open nerve. For the next 45 minutes they peppered me with questions, peeling back their hearts and sharing disappointments, frustrations, doubts, and desires.

They talked about how their adult children wee critical of them, pushing them to the fringes of their lives, They were treated as unnecessary—except as babysitters—and they felt their family really didn’t really want their influence or their involvement in their lives. They said the only opportunities their church offered for involvement were ushering, serving on the stewardship committee, and giving to building plans. They lamented that the culture had become so youth-oriented that they felt emasculated—treated as though they were done and had nothing to give back.

These men—who had once been kings in their families, their businesses, and their communities—were now uncertain what their roles should be. Like broken antiques gathering dust in the attic, they were without purpose.

But as they interacted I could see in their eyes that they longed to be challenged again. War hardened and savvy, these sage soldiers wanted to fill their nostrils with the smoke of the battlefield and engage in the fight again. They really didn’t want to trade their swords and armor for a 5-iron and a golf shirt. They realized they were made for something far nobler than watching cable news in a recliner.

I sat there astonished at what amounted to “grand theft”—men robbed of their glory, no longer dreaming because of a complicity of forces that had robbed them of their courage to step up.

Why are you here?

I left that meeting with two conclusions: First, most men don’t know how to think about aging. They don’t know what the Bible has to say about aging. Instead of pursuing God and His purposes for their lives, they step down and squander a lifetime of experience, wisdom, and abilities. They erroneously conclude their impact is over and take their cues from the culture about retirement.

Think with me for a moment: How many men do you know in their sixties, seventies, and eighties who are vigorous, still growing in their faith, and still using their influence for God. Men so visionary, so alive, so positive and expectant about how God is going to use them that you want to be like them when you grow old?

A second conclusion was evident: It’s time to resurrect the mantle of patriarch. It is time for a new order of noble, life-seasoned men to courageously arise, strip away encumbrances, and do battle on behalf of their children, grandchildren, communities, and nation.

For those of you who are over fifty-five years old—and especially if you are retired—I have a tough question: If you’re finished making a difference, then why are you here?

Do you think your best days are behind you? Do you think you don’t have anything else to give?

Or on the other hand, wouldn’t you love to be able to articulate your mission for the years you’ve got left? Wouldn’t you like to know what and feel noble about you’re living for?

Could you imagine others considering you to be … a patriarch?

A word that drips with dignity

The word “patriarch” come from the Latin word patri, which means “father.” Webster defines a patriarch as it relates to a family as, “a man who is a father or founder, the oldest representative of a group, a venerable [esteemed] old man.

Unfortunately, in today’s culture many people consider “patriarch” a dirty word. For some it conjures images of male chauvinism, of self-serving men who rule their homes through fear, force, and manipulation.

But I believe it’s a word that drips with dignity. In the Old Testament, patriarchs like Abraham, Isaac, and David served as heads of their families and were described as men after God’s heart. In today’s culture, patriarchs are men who spend their final years investing in the generations to come. They are men who realize their potential to have a lasting influence in their families and in their communities.

I began to become interested in the thought of being a patriarch as my children grew into adults and began to marry. My role as a father was changing; I knew that as they established their own families I no longer had the same type of authority in their lives. But I also began to recognize that my work as a father was not finished—it was just changing. Even though my children were adults, they still needed my encouragement and prayers. I’m no longer the head coach calling the players, but I’ve become a fan on the sidelines, cheering them on. Young men raising a family in this culture need enthusiastic applause.

As patriarchs we have the time to cheer for our grandchildren and pass on stories of how God has worked in our lives. One of my grandchildren once asked me how I helped start FamilyLife. I gave him the Reader’s Digest version of the story, and was reminded of Psalm 71:17-18, a passage you might call the memoirs of a patriarch: “O God, You have taught me from my youth, and I still declare Your wondrous deeds. And even when I am old and gray, O God, do not forsake me, until I declare Your strength to this generation, Your power to all who are to come.”

A new title

What an opportunity we have as we enter into the final years of life to use the wisdom and influence we’ve accumulated to reach out to the next generation. This is the vision many men today need for their final years. I think of Bill Barber, a lifelong Texan with a wonderful, earthy sense of humor. I met Bill after his son, Clay, came to work at FamilyLife, and I remember when I called him a patriarch. He later wrote me to say he was surprised at my remark. “Heck, I didn’t realize that I was one.”

Bill said he’s been called repulsive, obnoxious, anachronistic, a con man, funny, crazy, opinionated, a rascal, and “an enigma with savoir faire.” But he kind of liked this new title of “patriarch.”

“Fact is, I’m really loving this patriarching,” he wrote. It is “a lot simpler than most of my peers think. You gotta quit fighting it. Admit your age. Oh, yes, it doesn’t hurt to be 1) an encourager; 2) a servant; 3) to disciple; 4) sometimes be silent; 5) forgiving to others and self.

“Being a patriarch is just not too bad.”

For Christmas last year, our six adult children gave my husband and me dance lessons. Amazingly to us, one of them had remembered one of us (it was probably me) saying several years ago how much fun it would be to learn to dance.

I had loved dancing as a teenager. As a teen in the late 60s I mastered the twist, the mashed potato, and other dances of equally elementary difficulty. My best girl friend and I would practice the jitterbug with each other, and if she wasn’t available I practiced alone by holding the door knob of my closed bedroom door. In my freshman year of college I dated a guy for several months just because he was a great dancer.

During my sophomore year I became a Christian and stopped dating just for dancing skills. Four years later I married a non-dancer. On our honeymoon Dennis and I danced once, but it was just the slow dance style of rocking back and forth from one foot to the other. It was fun at the time because I loved my husband, but I knew further dancing was not in my future.

So when we received our Christmas gift, I was delighted. Dennis was skeptical. But he was a good sport and was willing to give it a try for me. We intended to sign up right away, but the pace of life kept me from making the phone calls to schedule the lessons until May.

“On the first lesson,” our kind instructor said, “rhythm is learned.” Right, I thought very skeptically. My husband is not naturally gifted in rhythm. But she did not lie, as I’ve watched him make great progress. We’ve now had six lessons, and I’m thrilled to say we are actually making noticeable progress learning the waltz, the rumba, the tango, and the swing. All very much at a beginner level, but we are learning.

I’ve realized how many parallels there are in dancing to marriage. For example, in dancing the man has to learn to lead and the woman has to learn to follow his lead. (Emphasis on the word learn for both partners.) I must admit that I have realized I am not naturally gifted in following! I went into these lessons thinking it would be easy for me. It was my husband who needed the instruction, not me. Wrong. As I understood that I was not a good follower in dancing, I left the lessons several times pondering how to be a better follower in our relationship.

Connection is another very important element in dancing. The woman has to pay close attention to the man’s movements so she knows to follow when he is changing directions; otherwise she’ll get her toes stepped on. It’s called maintaining connection.

Even when he makes a misstep, a good follower will go along with the misstep knowing he will correct it on the next step or two. If she does this no one knows a mistake was made. Our instructor even had the women close their eyes and practice feeling the tension changes in his hand on her back and his other hand holding hers. The application for marriage was obvious: Keeping a close connection takes focus.

Another marriage lesson is that my husband needs to learn from the master Teacher. It’s not my job to try and teach him what I think he doesn’t know yet. He doesn’t respond as well to my suggestions as he does to the teacher’s. I’m so prone to “help” him and to want to show him the right way to do the dance, and I’ve realized how true that is of me in daily life. When I do that in dancing and in life he feels it as criticism and mothering. Ouch.

You’ll never see us on Dancing With the Stars, but learning to dance has been great for our marriage as we’ve learned something new that’s taken us outside our comfort zone. Dancing has also rekindled some romance as we’ve practiced the deep connection of eye contact to the beautiful sounds of music.

We wish we could say we adjusted easily to the empty nest years. But we didn’t.

For nearly 30 years, Barbara poured most of her energy into raising our six children—and she loved it. When that period ended, she felt somewhat lost. She knew she would always be a mother, and she was overjoyed to now have grandchildren, but it was all different. She looked at her future and wondered, What am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Moving from empty nest to prime time

It took a few years, but we began to see that the empty nest years should be a time of transition. The rest of our lives were designed by God to be fruitful and purposeful. These are the years of “prime time”—when we can pursue the passions God has given us. For many, these can be their years of greatest influence for the kingdom.

Here are a few suggestions for negotiating the transition to the prime time years.

1. Use the time to work on your marriage relationship. For many couples it’s not easy to adjust to being together without children for the first time in a couple of decades. Perhaps you need to starting dating each other again—or take off for a weekend of fun and adventure at some romantic locale. Or attend one of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways to focus on understanding God’s purposes and plan for your marriage.

2. Take time to reassess and reevaluate your lives. In our case, Barbara evaluated everything in her life—how she’s going to relate to her kids and to me, what she is good at and not good at. She also took some watercolor classes to reawaken an important part of her life that lay dormant for quite awhile.

3. Determine your mission for the final years of your life. You may have several decades ahead of you, and it’s important to ask God to give you some direction on how He wants to use you during these years of prime time.

For many of you, grandparenting will be part of this mission. The influence you can have on your children is profound, and we encourage you to take this seriously.

Yet remember that this is only part of what God has called us to do. Consider two challenging passages of Scripture in the Gospel of Matthew. In Matthew 22:35-40, Jesus is asked, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

In this passage Jesus tells us that nothing is more important in life than loving God and loving other people. Now, look at Christ’s words to His disciples just before He ascended to heaven in Matthew 28:18-20:

And Jesus came up and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Here Jesus articulates the greatest job assignment ever given—the Great Commission of proclaiming the gospel of redemption and reconciliation to those who are lost. Each of us will be used in different ways, but I want to challenge you with this thought: If your mission does not include the Great Commandment and the Great Commission, you’re going to miss life.

For Barbara, her mission has involved creating the Ever Thine Home® collection of resources for FamilyLife. These resources grew from her love of art and her passion for helping mothers raise their children.

Fortunately the empty nest years didn’t last long for us. We’re solidly in prime time now. And we’re loving it.

Tears streamed down Sarah’s face as she began to describe how she was feeling, “Our last child, Emily, has just left for college and I find myself crying almost every day. For thirty years I’ve poured my life into my kids. Even though I started two of my own companies and was very successful, my kids were always my priority. Now nobody really needs me. I feel like I’ve been fired. I am so lonely.”

Loneliness can catch us unaware. Georgie experienced it in the auto repair shop. As she was standing in line at the checkout counter, a song started playing over the intercom. It was one of her son’s favorites. In fact, his band had played it, and just hearing it brought back memories of all the nights of band practice in their basement.

To the astonishment of the clerk, Georgie burst into tears. Her son had only been gone two months and her heart was still tender.

Nancy felt the loneliness most at the dinner table. Her husband and daughter used to joke around and mealtimes were full of laughter. Now, conversation between her and her husband seemed forced, even boring. The cloud of loneliness was thick. And it wasn’t much fun to cook anymore.

Julia, a single parent, has raised her kids alone. Her daughter is a senior, and as they look at colleges, Julia wonders what the empty nest will be like for her.

One thing I’m realizing is that being a single parent has some hidden blessings. I know what it’s like to be alone; I’ve learned to be alone. It doesn’t frighten me. I know I will experience loneliness in a fresh way when Liz leaves, but I am comfortable with being by myself. I’ve had to learn that. Feeling lonely because I miss my child is different from being miserable and being alone. And I’ve learned that if I’m too lonely, it’s my own fault. I need to reach out to someone else.

At some level, each of us experiences loneliness during our years as a mother. And when our children leave home, the adjusting to the loneliness of the empty nest can be an especially difficult task.

Three adjustments will help ease the pain of loneliness and give us a fresh perspective on what can become a grand adventure:

1. Recognize the “Season Principle”

Over the years both of us have found it helpful to recognize that we go through different seasons in life. There’s the season of being single, of being a newlywed, of raising young children, and of parenting teens. And the empty nest season. And finally there are the golden years at the twilight of life.

Seasons aren’t purely biological; interspersed through life are seasons of loss, seasons of pain, seasons of stress, seasons of joy. It’s helpful to look at life in terms of seasons. Every season will have unique challenges and each season will have unique blessings. We all remember the challenges of the infant years: sleep deprivation and a lack of appreciation. It’s a rare four-year-old who says, “Mommy you are doing such a good job of raising me. Thank you!”

But those years also hold unique blessings. I (Susan) remember when Libby saw the ocean for the first time. As her little eyes grew wide with fright and amazement, she exclaimed, “Mommy, it’s too full. You need to let some of it out!”

It’s helpful to articulate the challenges and then choose to focus on the blessings of each distinct season. When we define the challenges and discuss them with others, we discover that we are normal! When we are intentional in looking for the blessings, we discover the joys that God has prepared for us. It’s important to remember that no season lasts forever. We want to really live in each unique time, and miss nothing.

So what about the season of the empty nest? We are already discovering some of the common challenges—that’s one of the purposes of this book. But we don’t want to remain stuck in the challenges. Instead, we want to focus on the benefits of this season. Yet, no matter what our current challenge is, the place to begin is with God.

2. Run to God

At different times every one of us will get stuck. We’ll feel blue, we’ll experience loneliness, we’ll be anxious about the future. It isn’t just being in the empty nest, it’s being in transition. Moving from one season to another is uncomfortable and awkward. In fact, as much as we’d like to think stability is the norm in life, actually we spend more time in transition.

Where do we go in a time of transition? The book of Proverbs has a piece of advice for us: “The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.”

Our inclination can be to run to our husbands, our mothers, even friends. We might try to hold onto our children in an unhealthy way—unhealthy for them and for us. Or, our tendency can be to wallow in our loneliness. While others can be helpful, ultimately it is God alone who will offer comfort and help us move forward.

3. Find some friends

A few years ago the two of us were attending a conference in Florida. When we finally had free time, we took a long walk on the beach with our friend Mary. As we walked, we began to ask each other, “What has been going on in your life? Is there a theme of the past year? What have you been thinking, learning, or struggling with?”

All three of us were in different phases of the empty nest. We were all busy with lots of acquaintances in our lives. Yet at the core, each of us felt lonely. We realized that what we longed for was to reconnect with some other women. In a way we felt we’d put deep female friendships on hold for several years as we focused on our kids.

It was now time to move out of that isolation and into community.

Joy had a similar experience. A mother of four and a well-known speaker, she had a meltdown when her last child left. She felt like her identity had just walked out the door. Even though she and her husband were unusually close, she knew he couldn’t really relate to how she was feeling. She needed some other women; they would understand.

Joy decided to be proactive. She called up 13 women she’d known off and on over the years, and together they went away for a weekend. Simply being able to share honestly what was going on in her life and listening to other women made her feel “not so stupid.” And it actually helped her feel normal again.

One of the great blessings of the empty nest is that we now have time to hang out with friends. If we are out of practice, it may be awkward at first, but take the plunge. There are rich relationships out there for you, and the joy that is waiting for you in “girl time” is amazing.

We’ve found it to be one of the best cures for loneliness.

Q: I have always thought we had a good marriage, but now that our children are gone I feel like my husband and I don’t have anything in common anymore. All we do is bicker at each other. What can we do to become friends again?

Dennis: The most important thing you can do is to begin to develop some common interests, some things you enjoy doing together. Find something to share and make your relationship a priority. Rediscovering or even rebuilding the common basis that you lost during the years when he spent all day at work and you spent all day with the kids will take time and hard work.

Barbara: One of the two has to decide: “I am going to get involved in hunting, fishing, gardening, art, a ministry.” One of you needs to take the steps to participate in an activity that the other is already involved in or interested in so that the relationship can have a chance to grow.

Dennis: Jesus said in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” In a culture where we claim our own rights and seek to have our needs met, this call to self-sacrifice is a counter-cultural challenge that must be taken seriously. The husband and wife need to reach a compromise, sacrificing their own rights and wishes for the ultimate good of the relationship.

Not only should a couple cultivate common interests, but they should also discover a common cause, some ministry that both passionately support. Couples across the nation have found their common cause in mentoring younger couples. They are dedicating part of their lives to teaching others how to make marriages work and how to build godly homes by becoming HomeBuilders.

Without a common foundation, the years of old age become the death years instead of the glowing years they should be. Couples can move toward death in a relationship that is already dead and decaying; they have lost the intrigue, the interest, and the passion in knowing each other. That is not what Christian marriage was designed to be. Instead of looking backward at what was missed along the way, look forward to what can be accomplished with the years that lie ahead. These can be the best years of your life!

Justin was about four years old when he came to me, a bright little boy with a world of questions. We sat down on the edge of the couch together, and he shared with me his dream for his future, “When I grow up, Daddy, I want to be a lion,” he said. Well, who wouldn’t, I thought, with all that “king of the jungle” stuff we hear so much about? His mother had been reading him a book about the animals of Africa, and he was enthralled. He was in that time of life when you come across a book that you want read to you over and over again. After at least five hundred readings, he was completely settled on what he wanted to do with his future. He wanted to be a lion.

After he shared why he had chosen this future at the top of the feline world, I launched into a little lesson on biblical anthropology. He sat wide-eyed and attentive as I laboriously attempted to help him understand the doctrine of creation and its specific implications for the identity of human beings. He seemed interested as I did everything I could to distinguish animals from people. As I droned on, I noticed that he was getting fidgety and was no longer looking at me with rapt attention, but I thought he was still taking it all in. I wrapped up my identity-of-human-beings monologue and asked him if he understood what his daddy was trying to say. He looked up at me quite confidently and said, “Yes, I do, Daddy. When I grow up, I am going to be a giraffe!” I ended my failed attempt at early childhood theological education, gave him a big hug, and off he ran.

Little Justin is like all of us. We know that identity influences our thinking, our choices, and our behavior, but we have a hard time getting identity right. This issue is a huge part of the midlife struggle. Identity amnesia, misunderstanding, and replacement make the surface issues of disappointment, aging, and regret all the more powerful and potentially destructive. Here is the critical issue: When you have defined yourself horizontally (“I am my family, job, marriage, children, possessions, appearance, friendships, career, successes, or position”) you are in big trouble. When you enter the stage of life where those things, or your plans for acquiring them, are taken away, you become lost in identity confusion. We are always heading for trouble when we try to define ourselves horizontally instead of vertically.

What we need in midlife is not a world that is utterly free of disappointment, aging, or regret. We need to get our identity right in order to survive these powerful experiences. When you define your identity vertically, you will be able to stand even when the things around you are passing away.

Perhaps you are thinking, “Okay, but what does it mean to define myself vertically?” It means that true identity is always rooted in worship. In fact, the Bible tells us that a true understanding of anything starts with acknowledging God. As the great Christian thinker John Calvin taught, there is no knowing that does not begin with knowing God. It is only when you have God in His proper place and are celebrating who He is that you can ever truly know yourself. The theological principle is that knowledge of the Creator is fundamental to understanding the creation. The identity struggles that rear their ugly heads during the tumult of midlife are really struggles of worship. To the degree that we have failed to worship God for who He is and what He has done, we will take unseen identity confusion into the issues of midlife, making what is already difficult much worse.

There are three pillars of worship that support a true biblical sense of identity.

1. True identity is rooted in worshiping God as Creator.

To have a sense of identity that will not fail you when you are buffeted by the sure-to-come storms of life, you must start at the beginning. This first means fully and completely recognizing that you were made by him. David captures it so well in Psalm 139.

For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from
You when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body (Psalm 139:13-16a).

What powerful and amazing words! Every part of the fabric of your personhood was carefully knit together by God’s creative hands. There was no part of you that was hidden from Him. He carefully examined every aspect of your unformed body before you were born. There were no accidents, no glitches, no thoughtless moments. Just like David, you too were “fearfully and wonderfully” made. The color of your eyes, the shape of your body, your intellectual and physical gifts, your hair, your voice, your personality, the color of your skin, the size of your feet, etc.—all of your hardwiring is the result of God’s glorious creative ability. The “package” that created you comes from His hand.

Now, as familiar as all of this is, it is nonetheless important. I am deeply persuaded that while many of us worship God as Creator on Sunday, we curse His work during the week. Most of us harbor dissatisfaction with who God made us to be. The short ones want to be tall; the tall ones want to be shorter. The intellectuals secretly wish to be athletic; the mechanically minded people secretly wish they could be more musical. The serious person wishes, just for once, that he could be the life of the party, and the guy who was given the gift to think and to teach wishes he could have been more administrative. There are times in all of our lives when we secretly wish we could rise to the throne of creation and remake ourselves in the image of what we would like to be.

Often this refusal to accept your legacy in midlife is really a refusal to accept your identity. Sam was wired to be bald young and gray early. By forty-two he had little hair left, and what was there was almost white. He felt cursed and did everything he could to prove that he was still young. He was cursing the Creator he had committed himself to worshiping. Justina had been wired by God to be a nurturer, and she made a wonderful mom. Now, with her kids all gone, she had worked herself to the bone for something that left her empty and alone. She was angry that she hadn’t been more career-conscious. She was angry at her Creator, and she didn’t even know it.

What about you? Are your midlife struggles connected to your failure to celebrate whom the Creator wired you to be?

2. True identity is rooted in worshiping God as Sovereign.

The midlife struggle is often the result of a collision between your plans and God’s. Although you knew exactly what you wanted to accomplish and those things that you determined to avoid, your life didn’t unfold as you planned. It is vital to go into the middle years with your biblical identity screwed on straight. You must rest in the fact that every situation, circumstance, location, experience, and relationship of your life has been under the wise and careful administration of the Lord Almighty. He has known from the beginning exactly what He was going to do and exactly why He did it. From His vantage point there are no slip-ups, no oversights, no accidents, no misunderstandings, and no mistakes. Nothing has fallen through the cracks. David captures this comforting fact in Psalm 139:16b:

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Wow! It is a view of human identity that takes your breath away. I do not write my own story; it has been written for me. My job is to live inside of the plot that God has written for me in the way I have been called by Him to live.

There is a direct connection between delusions of personal sovereignty and the crushing disappointments that grip us in midlife. We forgot who we were and began to believe that our hands were really the hands on the joystick. We worked with dedication and perseverance, but we worked like little sovereigns, rather than resting in the One who is sovereign.

Do you question God’s administration of your story? Do you wish that you had been able to write your own plot? Do you fall into thinking that if you had been in charge, you would have made better and wiser choices? Do you worship God as sovereign on Sunday and curse His sovereignty on Tuesday? As you look back on your life, is it more a picture of resting in His control or of a quest for control?

God is sovereign. You and I are not. This is not just theology; it is our identity. God is in absolute control, and He is infinitely good.

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3. True identity is rooted in worshiping God as Savior.

When you recognize that God is not only your Sovereign Creator, but also your Savior, you have grasped another essential element of your identity. He is Savior because we are sinners. Worshiping God as Savior means that the most significant drama in my life is not what will happen to my marriage, children, possessions, or career, but what will happen to my sin. It means that the most wonderful thing that could ever happen in my life is my salvation. It means that the most wonderful thing that I could be called is not boss, or husband, or father, or friend, but “child of God.”

This identity defines your deepest, most pervasive problem. It is the thing that you most desperately need help with. We don’t actually need the vast majority of possessions that we think we cannot live without. The Bible says it very clearly: because we are sinners, God is focused on delivering us “from such a deadly peril,” rescuing us “from the dominion of darkness,” conforming us “to the likeness of His Son,” allowing us to “participate in His divine nature,” purifying us “from all unrighteousness,” to “purify for Himself a people that are His very own, eager to do what is good” (2 Corinthians 1:10; Colossians 1:13; Romans 8:29; 2 Peter 1:4; 1 John 1:9; Titus 2:14). Phrase after phrase reminds us of our true identity, and therefore, what we truly need.

We want our lives to be comfortable, successful, and predictable. God is willing to compromise all of these in order to deal with our deepest difficulty, our own sin. When you have failed to worship God as Savior, forgetting your identity as a sinner, you will be completely confused during the midlife years. To the degree that you recognize your identity as sinner, life will begin to make sense to you. God has not forgotten you. He has not singled you out for particular abuse. He is near and He is active. In love He is working on your biggest problem, and He will not stop working until the job is done.

Like many others my age, I seem to prefer photos taken of me 20-30 years ago more than those taken this year. Funny how that works.

I remember my younger days, my skinny days, when I could easily run for miles, with my long hair flopping just off my shoulders. Now most of that hair has strangely disappeared, and I haven’t been able to run in years.

In fact, every day my body reminds me that the glory of youth is fleeting. I’m happy to say I’m in pretty good health, but this old sack of bones does have a few problems. Today as I’m writing these words, for example:

I’m dealing with stiffness in my neck, an ongoing problem I’ve battled for more than 30 years.
Tendonitis is flaring up in my right wrist and forearm, and in my left elbow.
My left knee is swollen–a reminder of an injury I suffered in 2002.
I just took my daily pills for a stomach ailment I’ll have for the rest of my life.
I’m having focusing on the computer screen, which reminds me that I need to get my eyes checked.
While eating some cookies I began thinking again about that 30-40 pounds I need to lose and that diet I will start next week … or maybe the week after that … or maybe after Christmas.

I could go on, but you get the picture. I promise I’m not a hypochondriac–I’m not obsessed with these ailments, and I’m not blowing things out of proportion. I share all this just to acknowledge the obvious, that as we grow older, our bodies deteriorate.

And I’m beginning to realize this is not necessarily a bad thing.

Job 12:12 tells us, “Wisdom is with aged men, with long life is understanding.” Words like these give me hope that, even as my body fades, my spirit can thrive.

For example, my aging body reminds me that my time on earth is limited. By God’s grace I will live another 20 years or so, so what am I going to do with this time? Fight against aging, and pretend I’m still young? Focus on seeking pleasure? My life is about glorifying God and seeking to influence others with the gospel; it seems to me that my most fruitful years may be ahead of me.

My body also reminds me of my need for other people. I believe we are wired to need other people–to be interdependent rather than independent. The older I grow, the more I understand how much I need my family, and particularly my wife, Merry. I suppose that’s also one of the great lessons of marriage–that you are better as a team than as an individual. And the longer you are married, the more you lean on each other. There will likely come a day when one of us becomes totally dependent on the other.

Most of all, this old sack of bones reminds me of my need for God. When you move past your prime physically, when the body is weak, it brings great comfort to know that your spirit can grow stronger year by year as you draw near to the Savior. Psalm 71 is an encouragement for anyone who is beginning to feel the aches and pains of age, for in this prayer an elderly man declares that he continues to find strength in God:

“For You are my hope; O Lord God, You are my confidence from my youth. … I have become a marvel to many, for You are my strong refuge” (verses 5,7).

I hope that will continue to be my prayer in the next 20 years.

We had spent the entire week in El Salvador. Mark had stayed home to take care of our sons. But each day our daughters, Anne and Erica, and I (Jill) visited poverty-fighting Compassion International projects in nearly 100-degree heat. We laughed with little ones who were missing their front teeth. We talked with moms with our broken Spanish. We blew bubbles, braided hair, and painted faces.

Each day our group also had the sobering opportunity to participate in a home visit. Most days these visits broke my heart. The realities of living in poverty stared me right in the face inside these homes. These weren’t pictures of starving kids. These starving kids were standing right in front of me.

“What is the opposite of poverty?” asked the Compassion staff member at the closing event of the week. Wealth, I answered silently in my mind. Wealth seemed to be the logical answer to that question.

But it wasn’t the correct answer. “The opposite of poverty,” he said, “is enough.” I think you could have heard a pin drop in the room. It seemed to be a new idea for every one of us.

I thought back over our week of seeing poverty firsthand and up close. He was right—you didn’t need to be wealthy to live outside of poverty. You simply needed to have enough. Enough to eat that you weren’t malnourished. Enough health-care that you didn’t have parasites in your stomach. Enough money to provide a roof over your family’s head and food for the table.

Most of us live in places that have more than enough, and quite honestly that makes us wealthy. I’ve never considered myself wealthy in 44 years of life. I grew up in a family that was comfortable; while we would have never been considered wealthy by American standards, we were in the global sense. Mark and I scrimp, pinch pennies, and have done without during much of our 26-plus years of marriage and raising a family. There have been many times when we’ve wondered whether we’ll make it financially. It has seemed hard. But we’ve always had enough—and in fact we’ve had more than enough. We just haven’t realized it because we’re so rarely confronted with someone who really doesn’t have enough.

Suffice it to say, that trip completely changed our family’s view of what contentment—and enough—really means.

Finding contentment

The apostle Paul writes in Philippians 4:11-13: “Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am” (The Message).

What we need to notice in Paul’s message is that he speaks of contentment as something to be learned. Contentment isn’t something we’re born with. It’s a character trait that’s acquired.

I (Mark) easily admit that this concept is a tough one for me, and I’m still learning about contentment. My tendency is not to be satisfied with what I have. I am continually drawn in by the want of more. Because I can convince myself why anything more would make my life easier—allowing me to justify purchasing it—I have had to learn to practice the discipline of contentment.

With that in mind let’s look at five contentment principles:

1. Live beyond the temporary. When we say yes to God and begin a relationship with Him, He wants us to learn to see things in light of eternity. We’re designed to live in relationship with God through eternity. This earth is just a stopping point along a far grander journey than we can imagine. The things of this earth are just temporary as well. We can’t take any of it with us. We’re reminded of this in Matthew 6:20 (NIV): “But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.”

2. Learn to give. God gives to us so that we can also give to others. We do that first by giving a portion back to God through a tithe, which is 10 percent of our income. We’ve found that technology can help us tithe. Our paychecks are direct-deposited into our bank account every other Wednesday. Using online banking, we set up an automatic payment of 10 percent of our income to our church every other Thursday in our pay weeks. This assures us that God will get the first gift from our blessing.

Offerings are what we give to others over and above a tithe. Our family sponsors a Compassion child. That’s an offering. When we support someone going on a mission trip, it’s an offering. Giving to God and to others expands our heart and helps us to keep our hands open to receive gratefully and give cheerfully.

3. Praise God. So many of us sit down at the dinner table and say our mealtime prayer on autopilot. “Thank You, God, for this food. Bless it to the nourishment of our bodies. Amen.” What if we paused at each meal and really praised God for all He has given to us? “Lord, You are an incredible Creator. Thank You for the warm sunshine today. We praise You for providing for our family: our home, our neighbors, our jobs, our cars, our clothes, and our food. We ask You to help us be good stewards of everything You’ve asked us to manage and take care of. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

God is worthy of our praise. He has given us so much. And praising God doesn’t have to be limited to mealtime prayers—we can do it throughout our day. We can be driving down the road and marveling at the beautiful sunset and say, “God, wow, you are an incredible Creator! Thank You for that sunset.” In fact, it’s good for our kids to see us talk to God in a casual, spontaneous way like that. If you’re alone, praise can be an inside job—you can marvel at the sunset and praise God without saying a word, because He knows our thoughts and the condition of our heart.

4. Grow a thankful heart. When I (Jill) saw the advertisement for that Blackbeard Boat cruise in Florida that I just knew our boys would love, I had to focus on what we could provide for them: a week at the beach in my parents’ condo. When I salivated over the hot Krispy Kreme donuts, I thanked God that we’d had a healthy breakfast that morning that we all fixed together.

When discontentment creeps in, a sure antidote is to change our focus from what we don’t have to what we do have. This grows a thankful heart. It fosters a grateful spirit and a desire to praise. Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of how much you already have.

5. Live within your means. Our 13-year-old son wants you to know that he’s the only kid in the eighth grade who doesn’t have a cell phone. While we know that is not true, we also know that he is indeed in the minority. Our teenagers don’t get a cell phone until they start driving. Why do we do that to them when it seems as if every other 13 year old in the world has a cell phone? The biggest reason is because we can’t afford it.

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Most pieces of furniture in our home are worn-out hand-me-downs from friends and family. Some of it matches and some of it doesn’t. We’d love to have new furniture, but we don’t because it’s not in our budget for this season of life.

It’s hard to live within our means when it feels as if everyone else’s means are more than ours. But we’re not responsible for anyone else. Living within the boundaries of what we have and not extending ourselves beyond them is key to managing wisely what God has given to us. It also helps us keep discontentment at bay by establishing guidelines for what we realistically can and cannot afford.

The fruits of contentment

We enjoy planting a small garden each summer. There’s nothing better than fresh, homegrown tomatoes, summer squash, and zucchini. Each year we prepare the ground, plant the seeds and seedlings, water, fertilize, and weed. At the end of the growing season we enjoy the fruits that our plants give us.

Our lives are similar. When we plant contentment in our hearts, water, fertilize it with the contentment principles we just talked about, and weed out the places where discontentment begins to grow, we begin to see fruit in our lives.

This excerpt from Living With Less So Your Family Has More by Jill Savage and Mark Savage is reproduced with permission from Guideposts Books, Guideposts.org. Copyright © 2010 by Jill Savage and Mark Savage. All rights reserved.

We all dream, contemplate, plan, and maybe even scheme a little to create the ideal future for our children. But what happens when those dreams come to a screeching halt and must be changed?

Maybe a dad was a great sports hero in his high school or college. It would be natural for him to want his son to follow in that path. But what if his son is born with cerebral palsy?

Or, perhaps a mother is a great pianist and longs to teach her child the beauty of music and the thrill it has given her soul over the years. But what if her child is born deaf or with a physical deformity involving the hands?

How do we, as parents, dream new dreams for our children when we have no idea what the future holds?

God understands the purpose for each child

It’s easy to dream when we think of a perfect world—a world where all of our thoughts and abilities roll into one, and life is smooth and uncomplicated.

Even when children do not have a disability, the son of the sports-star father might be gifted in music, and the piano virtuoso mother may have a daughter who prefers to organize and plan activities. We can’t always plan our children’s futures.

When our dreams for our children get a reality check, we must remember the verse from Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

This verse has been interpreted many times to mean that if we train our children the way we want them to go—good, moral, athletic, musical, or artistic—then that’s what they will follow for the rest of their lives. But many parents look at this verse as a promise instead of a premise.

Another interpretation, and I believe more appropriate, is that we must train our children in the way that they were created to go. If a child is naturally gifted in music, then training him or her to be a sports star will frustrate both the child and the parent. But if the child is given music lessons, who knows where he will end up by using that gift?

There is nothing wrong with exposing children to different activities to broaden their scope of life, but to expect someone to become an athlete or a musician because we spend money, time, and effort on them will likely be an act of futility.

When it comes to dreaming new dreams for a child with a disability, sometimes we can do so easily and shift our focus, especially if there is an obvious physical handicap. But what about the child with a hidden disability like autism? How do we dream for a child’s future when he or she cannot voice his or her opinion?

How does the parent of a child who melts down at the sound of loud noises introduce him or her to the thrill of even watching a sporting event, much less playing on a team? Where do we find new dreams for the child who looks like any typical child on the outside but inside seems to have a world of his or her own?

The answer is, I believe, that we look to the Creator of that child. We can take comfort from Psalm 139:1-18 (NIV):

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord you know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

… For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.

But God

God has never said, “Oops!” Your child and my child were given to us on purpose and with purpose. We may not understand what that purpose is, especially at first, but God does.

I take comfort in knowing these two words: “but God.” They are written over and over in the Bible, and each time they prove that God knows. He sees, and He provides. When we cannot see His hand, we must trust His heart.

I do not pretend to be a perfect person, parent, or Christian. I am a mom. My husband, Ron, is a dad. We are two people who have done the best we can with the gifts that God has given us—gifts that include our children. No parent is perfect. No parent is omniscient, but God is. In that fact, I found peace and the desire to keep going.

Daniel was 19 years old before a doctor used the word autism in a formal diagnosis. Thankfully, having this diagnosis did not cause regret in the way we had structured Daniel’s life. We probably would not have done anything differently. Once I saw the word “autism” in a medical report, I was relieved; I had finally had validation.

Looking back, we are extremely blessed that Daniel was chosen to be ours, although I’m glad God did not give me all of the details of what our lives would be like with him. It would have been too much to comprehend all at once.

Would Daniel have said “Yes”?

Every life is made of joy and disappointment, and oh, the blessings we would have missed without Daniel! The smiles we would not have witnessed. The funny, quirky jokes we would never had heard. The lessons we never would have learned from watching him work so hard on a task.

Would we have known what the heart of God looks like without Daniel in our lives?

Sometimes I think God should have asked Daniel, “Do you accept this family as your family?” I hope that he would have said “Yes!”

Most people are very surprised to learn that adult stepfamilies (those that are formed in the second-half of life and include adult stepchildren) have just as many transitions as stepfamilies with younger children. Some of the transitional issues are different, but many are the same.

Lorain wrote asking how she might strengthen her relationship with her 19, 24, and 26 year-old stepchildren. “I was 49 when I married for the first time; my husband was 55. His first wife died a couple years before we met. My husband kept his children up to date about our relationship and things were pretty civil until we married. His oldest daughter cried loudly through the entire wedding ceremony. A few months later one of the children asked how my husband’s will was structured, implying that I shouldn’t get anything. From there things have continued to go downhill at a rapid pace.”

Lorain’s experience is not uncommon, nor is her idealistic assumption that the adult children in adult stepfamilies will not be impacted by the dynamics of loss and loyalty. Thankfully, adult children and stepparents do not have the same power battles that younger stepfamilies experience. That’s because the stepparent is not trying to get the children to pick up their socks or choose better friends.

But adult stepchildren and older stepparents still have many emotional issues to work through. They often feel threatened by each other and struggle with how the new marriage will impact familiar family relationships. Finding peace takes effort on both sides.

The new couple

When Daniel’s 35-year-old son told him that he “just wanted him to be happy” the widower assumed his son was giving him permission to remarry. He wasn’t. What the son meant was, “I would hope that mom’s memory will keep you happy enough.” Daniel assumed he had his son’s blessing and got married. His son’s withdrawal from contact alerted him to the problem at hand.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

As an older parent and stepparent, you must realize that adult stepchildren—despite their age—frequently feel:

Fearful of being abandoned or isolated from their only remaining parent. Unfortunately, they have already tasted grief in a very real way; your marriage may renew or intensify this sadness.
Loyal to their original family. Maintaining a strong family identity is important for adult children. Accepting a stepparent means the established family ties and special family holidays and celebrations must stretch to make room for newcomers. This isn’t easy and frankly it hurts. Please don’t take this personally—it’s not really about you. It’s about home no longer feeling like home.
Disloyal toward the divorced or deceased parent and guilty about letting the stepparent in.
Jealous and replaced by their parent’s new partner. They may have been the “apple of their parent’s eye” but now the stepparent holds the key to the parent’s heart (and time and energy).
Concerned about the family finances. Money issues are common and must be addressed. Adult stepchildren have a right to know how their family inheritance is going to be managed (this is not “greed”) and you should be proactive in addressing these matters with the children so their fears can be put to rest.
Resentful that their children (the grandchildren) may not receive as much time and energy from their parent as anticipated. If one parent of an adult child has died, it’s common for the adult child to invest heavily in wanting their children to spend time with the remaining grandparent. Your marriage threatens this and creates another loss for everyone.

As a new couple you must apply patience and understanding to these strong emotions. Do not be offended by them. When confronted with difficult responses from adult children, assume a humble position and listen to their fears and concerns. Accept them where they are and try to be responsive to their needs for information (especially about financial matters), emotional contact, and time as they adjust to yet another family transition they didn’t seek out.

Adult stepchildren

It is important to begin by acknowledging your own strong emotions about your parent’s remarriage. The feelings mentioned above are very common; if you don’t take ownership and responsibility of them, they may lead you into withdrawal, criticism, or hurtful behavior.

Without question, a parent’s remarriage ripples through the generations of your family. It may take a great deal of time for you to open your heart to a stepparent and their extended family. Don’t feel compelled to feel love for them, but strive to act in loving ways. Resist the urge to withdraw in anger or judgment.

Finally, be sure to acknowledge that your parent has legitimate needs and desires that include pursuing a dating or marriage partner. Doing so does not diminish the importance of your other parent, your family history, or their relationship with you.

I strongly encourage both adult stepchildren and the new couple to educate themselves about stepfamily living. There is a labyrinth of emotional and practical transitions to work through and it takes understanding and effort by both generations. But it can be done. That’s the beautiful thing about love—there’s always room for one more!

“It is better to go to a house of mourning,” Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “than to a house of feasting.”

At the memorial service for my friend Kathy Helvey, I saw firsthand why.

The house of mourning for one who has gone home to Jesus Christ is a rich schoolroom for the living … a reminder of what really matters … and a time to examine one’s own life.

Kathy Helvey was an amazing woman. She had an overflowing love that made her a magnet to others. “To all that know Kathy,” the memorial program said, “she brought a spark to their lives with her genuine friendship and zest for life. She was the best wife a husband could only dream of, tireless and passionate mother and confidante to her children, and faithful servant of Jesus.”

So much like Jesus

As person after person shared their memories of Kathy, many commented about how she made them feel like they were the most important person in the world. “When Kathy had her attention on you,” her cousin said, “it was like being in a ray of sunshine.”

Another friend of Kathy’s compared knowing her to reading a good book. She said when she left Kathy’s presence she always “wanted to be more like her—so much like Jesus.”

Others mentioned her smile. Her extraordinary faith. Her wise and winsome ways.

Her brother-in-law told about Kathy and her husband, Bob, bringing him to faith in Jesus Christ.

During very difficult times of life, including a four-year struggle with leukemia, Kathy fought to hold on to God’s grace. “It was so normal for Kathy and Bob to believe God,” one friend said, “even in the hardest times.”

At first glance, Kathy’s death seems to be an untimely loss for those she left behind. And yet, this woman gave us a picture of authentic faith in Christ. She didn’t just claim it. She lived it—every single day.

As Kathy’s own words from a radio interview were played, she herself reminded those at the memorial service that God does not make mistakes.

“Everything is Father-filtered,” she said. “Everything that happens to me is from His hand, even if it is bad.” She said that she wanted to see God’s perspective in her trials through life, to see Jesus, and not to worry about what He would do.

A love story

During the service we also caught a glimpse of the rich love story between Kathy and her husband of 31 years. They married in 1978, after corresponding by letter across the ocean for almost three years. Kathy always signed her letters, “Alive Today.” She was a woman who was intentional about making every day count.

A long-time friend of the Helveys recalled watching Bob’s hands shake when his bride-to-be had traveled to see him. He was awestruck to again see the beautiful woman who had written him letters. Not too long after this visit, Kathy Van Antwerp became Bob Helvey’s wife.

“From the first time I ever knew her,” Bob said, “She was like a shooting star that streaked through my life.” And because of her, he said, he was a better man … a better father … and he loved the Lord more deeply. Bob said that she sucked the very marrow out of life and enjoyed every day completely.

He said that other than his salvation, she was the greatest gift he had ever received in his life. And then he reminded everyone that God is loving, God is good, and God is sovereign.

“I cannot wait to embrace the promise of God,” he said, “that my kids and I will be with Kathy again.”

A challenge

As I left the memorial service, it had indeed been good to be in the house of mourning. I had sat in a rich schoolroom for the living and been reminded of what matters most. I had examined my own life.

And when I closed the door to my car, I thought of Kathy Helvey and wanted to follow her example.

… to brighten each of my husband’s days.

… to seek God’s perspective and not worry about what He will do.

… to rest. Knowing that God’s nature is loving, and good, and sovereign. That He always can be trusted, even on the most difficult days of life.

Kathy Helvey’s work on earth is done. And she is more “Alive Today” than ever.

She has exchanged the land of death and heartache for the land of living and bliss. She now sees Jesus face to face.

“Thanks for recognizing that we’re not the church’s dirty little problem.”

“John, what do you mean?” I asked.

“I just never thought I could go back to church again, after the divorce and all. And to top it off, I went and got remarried. Everyone at church knows my past and it just feels like we’re considered second class or something.”

John’s statement captures the spiritual struggle of many Christian stepfamily adults. Some truly feel like they are “the church’s dirty little problem” because of guilt over decisions or actions that contributed to a divorce. Others are treated as though they live in a “less than whole” family situation” by those who have not experienced divorce themselves.

The result? Too often an overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. One that creates spiritual barriers that distance remarried couples and stepfamilies from God’s healing power.

Christian stepfamily adults are often caught in a holding pattern around God and His church, unable to touch down in His love. Is it any wonder that ministry in a local church can be so challenging?

Second-class Christians?

I responded to John’s sense of spiritual guilt and shame by suggesting that even though he didn’t live in an “ideal” family configuration, he wasn’t a second-class Christian in God’s kingdom. In our own way, each of us has fallen short of God’s glory, and each of us needs His grace. God’s plan of one man and one woman in marriage for life does bring greater harmony to the home, but living in an intact family does not determine worth in God’s eyes, nor ability to receive God’s forgiveness.

I reminded John that many characters of the Bible were men of great faith but had families that were far less than ideal. For example, look at Abraham. He lied on two occasions, saying Sarah wasn’t his wife. He was afraid for his life so he publicly disowned her. Now that’s not behavior you’ll find encouraged in your local men’s ministry.

As women living in a multiple-marriage household, Sarah and Hagar fought over which of their sons would be the most important in Abraham’s family. Much like a modern-day stepfamily, there was jealousy, bitter rivalries, and loyalty conflicts between Abraham and his two wives (see Genesis 16 and 21). And the problems didn’t stop with his generation.

If we analyze the families of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, we see power struggles, family secrets, exploitive and coercive relationships. The dysfunction continues to mushroom through the family of David. His family history included a premeditated murder to cover an affair, an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, a son who replicates his father’s disgrace by raping his half sister, and a brother who avenges her humiliation by murdering his brother.

I pointed out to John that God loves stepfamilies and the individuals who live in them, too. You can have a less-than-ideal family and still be acceptable to God.

Forgiveness and redemption for all

Stepfamilies and church leaders alike need to understand this critical message: There are no second-class citizens in God’s kingdom simply because there are no first class citizens. We’re all just sinners in need of a Savior. If God could use imperfect men like Abraham and David with complicated family households for His purposes, why can’t He use people in stepfamilies? If God can bring redemption to the houses of Isaac and Jacob, can’t He bring redemption to yours?

The exciting message of the cross is this: God loves and forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies just like He does the imperfect people in biologically intact families. He is ready, willing, and able to welcome stepfamilies into righteousness. The only question is: Will you step up to receive his forgiveness? Will you step up to renew your relationship with Him or remain paralyzed by your guilt and shame?

His door is always open … step on in.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

TAKING ACTION

Pastors, here’s how your church can communicate grace and redemption:

Acknowledge the stepfamily is communicates an awareness of their presence and validates their acceptability to your church.
Don’t force stepfamilies to tell their story when they first visit your church. They might already fear judgment; allow them to share once they belong.
Address the common challenges of stepfamily life when conducting general parenting or marriage sermons and classes. Expect that 20-30 percent of your audience could be living in a stepfamily.

Messages to avoid (they inadvertently communicate a “second class” perspective toward stepfamilies):

Refusing to let all divorced people participate in church ministries. The message is this, “You’re good enough to be a member and we trust that you’ll tithe each week, but you can’t teach fourth grade Bible class. You’ll still get into heaven some day, but you can’t serve here.”
Teaching God’s design for marriage without also teaching His grace to receive those who have divorced.
Penalizing children for not attending Sunday school each week when their visitation requires them to be elsewhere on a regular basis.

If you’re worried being a bad example to your children:

Not all stepfamilies are the result of sinful behavior of the adults, but frankly some are. If you or your ex’s life choices have not been the best model for your children, try the following:

Don’t create a false past while trying to hide your sin. Acknowledge your choices and use them as teaching opportunities to share with your children your regrets and how you now see the wisdom of God’s admonition that we avoid sin.
If your ex-spouse is the poor example, resist the temptation to him or her as “evil” to your children, but feel the freedom to speak the truth about the past. As children mature give them more expansive doses of truth, but do so with a gentle and compassionate spirit. Never try to alienate them from the other parent (this makes you appear hypocritical). Be sure to discuss the role of forgiveness in your situation.
If your ex-spouse continues a sinful lifestyle, teach biblical values and model a faith perspective to life. With your children, pray for their other parent. Over time gently try to influence the other home toward the Lord.

Editor’s note: This article was originally published by Church & Family.

“I’m sorry. Your background and past might infect everyone else so we can’t have you at our church.”

How defeating! But that’s exactly what the preacher said once he discovered John and Diane were remarried. Apparently the church they had been attending didn’t have room for persons in need of healing, persons with a less-than-perfect history. And John and Diane were, indeed, less than perfect. Each had experienced the devastation of divorce and for a while turned their backs on the Lord. But now, while attempting to combine a new stepfamily, they were once again trying to accept the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Only their church wouldn’t accept them.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help. Why don’t you try Southwest?”

So they did. But this time, they found a church ready to serve. They discovered a stepfamily ministry that taught them how to deal with their unique day-to-day struggles, and a body of believers willing to extend hands of mercy and forgiveness. Today, John and Diane are faithful followers of Jesus Christ and leaders in a dynamic stepfamily support group that is touching lives every day. “The Step-by-Step group has meant a great deal to my family and me,” says John, “more than I could ever describe to you in words.”

“We don’t want you here.”

For nearly three decades America has suffered under a plague of divorce and out-of-wedlock births. Later, when these same individuals marry and bring children with them, a stepfamily is born. Currently, one out of every three Americans is a stepparent, stepchild, a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily.¹ And while soon there will be more stepfamilies in America than any other family type,² it’s not uncommon to find local churches with a population of just 6 percent or less.³

Certainly there are many reasons for this wide variation, but the most disconcerting is typified by the experience of John and Diane. Many churches, either overtly or subtly, marginalize Christian stepfamilies in spiritual shame. Socially, divorced and remarried persons often don’t fit in a church culture of traditional marriage, nor do typical marriage enrichment programs meet their relational needs. Whether intentional or inadvertent, the message “We don’t want you here” comes through loud and clear. In addition, unchurched stepfamilies find themselves lost, isolated from society, and looking for congregations who care, only to receive spiritual judgment and social awkwardness.

Looking for a compass in the wilderness

I liken the experience of stepfamilies to the wilderness wanderings of the Israelites. Stepfamilies enter remarriage with the dream of finally reaching the Promised Land. Leaving the horrible oppression of divorce, they embark on a journey, only to discover that the trip is filled with uncertainty. Direction seems to be lacking, children and heavy baggage slow their progress, and it takes much longer to arrive than they ever imagined.

Discouragement, grumbling, and complaining abound. Perhaps that’s why 60 percent of remarriages end in divorce. But it is time churches start handing out compasses so that stepfamilies can find the Promised Land in faith. Education, support groups, an attitude of acceptance by the congregation and church leadership—all of these things combine to form a spiritual compass that guides the stepfamily journey. For example, I tell stepfamilies that in order to reach the Promised Land they must:

STEP Up – to discover a redemptive God who loves, forgives, and provides strength and direction for their journey.
STEP Down – their expectations. Combining two families takes the average stepfamily seven years (most divorce before year three)! Determination is vital.
STEP Through – the wilderness with perseverance, dedication, knowledge, humor, and faith.
Side STEP – the pitfalls common to stepfamilies. For example, one common fatal error occurs when stepparents punish their stepchildren too quickly, destroying any opportunity for relationship.
Two STEP – The marital bond is critical to stepfamily success, but often becomes lost in the stepfamily forest.
STEP In Line – with the other adults (including ex-spouses) making up the parenting coalition. Cooperating with the other household is essential to the psychological health of children.All of these aspects are important so that eventually the stepfamily can …
STEP Over – into the Promised Land of marital fulfillment, interpersonal connectedness, child well-being, and spiritual redemption.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

A message of redemption

Ministry to stepfamilies is not about condoning their past or lowering God’s standard for marriage. We must and will always uphold God’s intention for one man and one woman for life (and any remarried person will agree that God’s ideal is best). Rather, stepfamily ministry is about preventing the pressures and peculiarities of the stepfamily home from holding people back from their Lord.

Satan’s best line of attack is against the home. He would love for stepfamily adults and children to be distracted, discouraged, and defeated—and preventing a stepfamily from integrating will certainly accomplish just that. Yet we have a message that can crush Satan’s attack on the stepfamily home: God forgives the imperfect people in stepfamilies just as He does the imperfect people in traditional families. It is time for the church to articulate that message of redemption.

“I feel that God has forgiven me of my sins from my past years and accepted me as a Christian servant of His. Only since my renewed Christian life…have I understood and accepted God’s unfathomable grace.”
—Stepfamily adult

¹ Larson, J. (1992). Understanding Stepfamilies. American Demographics, 14, 360.
²Visher, E.B. & Visher, J.S., “Stepparents: The Forgotten Family Member,” Second World Congress on Family Law and The Rights of Children and Youth, June, 1997.
³Yankeelov, P. A. & Garland, D. R. (1998). The Families in Our Congregations: Initial Research Findings, Family.

© by Smart Stepfamilies. Used by permission.

I think churches are getting smarter.

After serving and consulting with local congregations for over 30 years in the areas of youth and family ministry, it seems to me that churches are finally getting a full picture of American family life. Church leaders are learning more about the families that comprise their congregations and communities. Even more importantly, smart churches are doing a better job of helping families to get smart as well.

A healthy church is comprised of healthy families—of all types. Today stepfamilies, sometimes called blended families, are filling our churches. One recent study found that 27.5 percent of US households consist of a first marriage couple raising their biological children while 18.6 percent of households include a stepchild.

Furthermore, 100 million Americans currently have a steprelationship in their family, and one of two Americans alive today will have a steprelationship of some kind during their lifetime (e.g., stepparent, stepsibling, stepchild, etc.). It makes sense, then, that churches are finding that a greater and greater percentage of their members and guests have stepfamily relationships.

However, prevalence in society and the church doesn’t mean that stepfamilies know how to live successfully. The truth is that most stepfamilies struggle with family life. Their divorce rate is between 60-70 percent. If churches are going to remain strong, they must intentionally work to build smart stepfamilies.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Keeping it real

“But stepfamilies aren’t God’s ideal for the Christian home,” someone might object. “Doesn’t stepfamily ministry lessen what God intended?” What this person is really asking is can the church be a spiritual hospital without giving blessing to the “ill” that brought them there. I sure hope so! After all, the church is in the redemption business.

Please remember, the first-marriage nuclear family is God’s design for the home—it’s Plan A—and it truly is the most optimum environment for intimate marriage and child-rearing. But the reality of God’s people from the beginning has been plenty of Plan B homes. Abraham’s home did not meet God’s ideal. He had multiple wives who stepparented his children by other women (with resentment and jealousy, I should add), as did Jacob, David, and many other heroes of the faith.

God has always extended grace to less-than-ideal people and families; he even used them for his purposes. When Jesus met the woman at the well in John 4, she was a cohabiting, five-time divorcee. In a matter of minutes, He not only affirmed her acceptability to God and importance (something no one else offered her unless it was accompanied by a marriage proposal). He turned her into an evangelist when she went back to town, telling everyone that grace was available no matter what your family composition, even to her!

Redeeming grace

Grace has the audacity of grabbing you where you are and then nurtures you back to faithful living. First it redeems, then it transforms. But then, smart churches have known this for years and have designed ministries to facilitate and communicate God’s redemptive power to people from a variety of backgrounds. They offer divorce recovery programs knowing that it doesn’t condone divorce; they offer post-abortion and ex-gay ministries and walk people out of darkness into light and hope.

Not all stepfamilies are formed by personal transgression (e.g., those formed after the death of a spouse). But for those born from sinful choices, stepfamily ministry offers healing, grace, hope for the future, and practical tools for faithful living.

I think remarried couples—and especially those with children—swim in a different ocean than first-marriage couples. The water temperature can be a little cooler—trusting a spouse can be a challenge after you’ve been hurt in a previous relationship. There are unique under-currents—most everyone in the stepfamily has experienced a loss that is always just under the surface, influencing everyday interactions. They run into a few more sharks—think of loyalty conflicts and ex-spouses.

And the water is murky—stepfamily life can be confusing, especially in the beginning: What role does a stepparent play? Do we combine our assets or leave them separate to provide for our children? How do we combine traditions and holidays? Do we take the kids to the ex-in-laws for Christmas or don’t we?

Many of you swim in the blended family ocean—or at least you try to. Many of you grew up in a blended family. And the rest of you know stepfamilies who are struggling to stay above the surface. Chances are at least 30-40 percent of the couples in your church fall into the “stepcouple” category.

Yet it’s easy for many stepfamilies to feel like second-class citizens in our churches today. Some truly feel like they are “the church’s dirty little problem” because of guilt over decisions or actions that contributed to a divorce. Others are treated as though they live in a “less than whole” family situation” by those who have not experienced divorce themselves.

That’s why FamilyLife is passionate about helping stepfamilies succeed, and that’s why we’ve established an outreach called FamilyLife Blended™. We offer books, DVDs, events, and articles that focus on helping remarriages and stepparents, and we train churches and professionals to work with blended families. If you’re looking for help in your remarriage or stepfamily, or if you’re interested in reaching out to blended families, you can learn more at www.familylife.com/blended.

Recently we hosted the first national summit on stepfamily ministry for 150 leaders from around the United States, Canada, and South Korea. Titled “Blended and Blessed,” the event in Dallas (see photo below) sought to identify best practices of local church ministries and synergize the efforts of lay couples, church staff, and parachurch ministries like FamilyLife, Focus on the Family, and New Life Ministries.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Many assume that typical marriage and family ministries are adequate for blended families as well. They aren’t. In fact, I contend that a traditional marriage ministry teaches only half of what it takes to strengthen a stepfamily marriage given the unique dynamics of stepfamily living that beat against the couple’s relationship.

Those who recognize this—and are helping those who swim in the stepfamily ocean—often feel like they are alone in blended family ministry. One benefit of the summit in Dallas was bringing these like-minded people together to connect and share ideas. The atmosphere was encouraging and even electric, and our hope is that the event will prove to be a catalyst to a huge movement in the church to help blended families.

Many attending the summit heard for the very first time that new research confirms what I have believed for years: Preventing redivorce and strengthening the stepfamily environment in which a child grows helps to break the generational cycle of divorce. Children from healthy stepfamilies have healthier attitudes about marriage, make better choices, and are more likely to remain in one marriage for life. All it takes is one generation and we can break the generational cycle of divorce and redeem a family legacy.

Just think, you could make a difference in both this generation and the one to come. Learn more about healthy stepfamilies and encourage your church to begin a stepfamily ministry so families can be blended and blessed.

Roger wrote with great enthusiasm about the ministry he and his wife helped to ignite. “I’m not a pastor or trained minister,” he said. “But you were right. With a little direction we could start a ministry—and we have! For the past six months a small group has been meeting in our home. Lives are being changed, including our own. We are so excited to see God at work.”

In hundreds of churches throughout this country, a simple grassroots formula has ignited stepfamily ministries time and time again: Ordinary couples in stepfamilies are taking the initiative to launch a ministry in their church.

When I first started specializing in stepfamily education and ministry, I focused my time on getting pastoral leadership to take the initiative to launch local stepfamily ministries. But reality quickly taught me that this rarely occurs. The vast majority of churches that have a stepfamily ministry today (which is a very small percentage) do so because one or two couples from within the church made it happen.

“But you don’t understand, Ron, we don’t know what we’re doing. And we certainly don’t have all the answers for those who will attend,” you might object. “Perfect,” I say. “God’s strength is always perfected in your weakness.” In God’s economy, being the wrong people makes you the right people!

Where do you start?

First, realize that your pastor and church leaders are hard-pressed for time. They have a lot on their plates. Their hesitation in launching a ministry is more often about time constraints than about not caring.

Second, realize that most ministry leaders have little knowledge of the unique dynamics and struggles stepfamilies face. They can be educated, but don’t expect them to anticipate well what your family needs are. Therefore, share your ministry vision with them and make it clear that all you desire is their blessing and guidelines for how to manage your ministry.

Here’s your plan of action:

1. Pray for an open door.

Look for an opportunity to light this ministry fire in your church and community.

2. Educate yourself in the goals, objectives, and strategies of stepfamily ministry.

Resources are available to help you. Or consider training like FamilyLife’s Certificate in Blended Family Ministry.

3. Be able to articulate your vision.

Eventually you’ll meet with your pastor or key ministry leaders and you’ll need to make some recommendations.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

4. Gather a small team.

Find at least two other couples who are willing to help you orchestrate the ministry. Spend some time together gathering resources and studying about stepfamily life. If there is going to be a class or support group, you won’t need to know all the answers, but you will need to know how to facilitate some constructive discussions.

5. Share your vision with the church leadership.

Demonstrate the ministry need and potential impact with statistics and capture their attention with how you intend to help prevent divorce in your church. Don’t ask your pastor to run the ministry for you (unless he happens to offer); do seek his blessing and support. Ask for a small budget to advertise your new ministry and also gain public support from the pulpit.

Attend our next Summit on Stepfamily Ministry to equip you and your team.

6. Strike the match!

The core method of stepfamily ministry is starting a class or small group of couples who come together to study and support one another. Stepfamilies need to know that they’re not alone and that practical guidance is available. Rely on a book or small group video resource to “teach” participants; your role is to facilitate the discussion, not be the expert. Eventually your ministry might grow to include pre-stepfamily counseling, marriage mentoring, entire stepfamily retreats, and other methods.These two curriculums are a great way to start:

The Smart Stepfamily DVD
The Smart Stepfamily Marriage and Small-Group Study Guide

7. Consider hosting a stepfamily conference.

This will draw community attention to your ministry and eventually funnel participants to your class or group. Various speakers are available from around the country.

Can it be this simple? For hundreds of churches it already is. Your church could be next.

Have you ever noticed that God uses family life to teach us important spiritual lessons? For example, He uses the childhood experience of being disciplined by our parents to teach us obedience, respect for authority, and the blessing that comes in discipline (see Heb. 12:4-11).

God also uses the experience of being a parent to teach us humility (we just can’t control them, can we?) and prayer (nothing will drive you to your knees more than the task of parenting!). He uses conflict in relationships to teach us about forgiveness; marriage to teach us about love, sacrifice, and trust; and sex to teach us about vulnerability, surrender, and oneness.

Without question, family life is one of God’s most powerful tools for shaping us into the image of Christ.

And I’m convinced that God uses the stepfamily experience to teach His children about choosing love.

God chose to love us

1 John 4:9-10 tells us, “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (NIV).

God chose to love us even when we didn’t love Him. Even more, Romans 5:8 encourages that even while sinners, God loved us. Despite our lack of love for Him and our sinful state, God sent Jesus as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. He loved us with everything He had.

Jesus didn’t have to give up heaven’s power or prominence to be born of a virgin, but choosing love required Him to do so. In so doing Jesus, like all children, learned obedience at the hands of his parents. He also experienced something else. Being born of a virgin afforded Him the opportunity to be chosen when His earthly father (read “stepfather”), Joseph, chose to love Him. The One who chose to love us without reason, was Himself chosen.

Emulating God’s marvelous choice

One of the often hidden gifts of stepfamily living is the opportunity to emulate God’s marvelous choice to love. Stepparents choose to love children who are not their own; stepsiblings grant one another the honor of being called family; stepgrandchildren are called heirs and granted inheritance; and stepchildren experience the “adoption” of stepparent love. Ultimately, these experiences reveal the Father.

Romans 8:15-17 says, “For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory” (NIV).

1 John 4:11 tells us that “if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” Stepfamilies have an incredible opportunity to reflect the “choosing love” of God and in so doing teach spiritual lessons that have eternal purpose, lessons that lead children and parents alike to a fuller understanding of God’s love for each of us.

Biological parents, marvel at the way your spouse loves, cares for, and offers blessing to your children. Show them your appreciation for their choice to love.

Stepparents, even if you’ve said it before, be sure to tell your stepchildren how committed you are to them. Tell them what an honor it is to share in their life.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

Ex-spouses, find the grace to communicate a message of gratitude to your ex-spouse’s mate (i.e., stepparent to your children). Tell them you value the blessing and care they provide to your children.

Parents, encourage stepsiblings to show kindness to each other and communicate appreciation for one another.

God didn’t owe us a path to reconciliation, but He created one. Christ didn’t have to be born, suffer, and die for our redemption, but He chose to anyway.

You don’t have to be family for one another, but you are choosing to be family anyway. You are choosing love. Amazing!

TAKING ACTION

Holidays and special celebrations offer great times to sit around and tell stories. For stepfamilies this presents an opportunity to reminisce about your growing family story. Doing so reinforces your developing family identity and helps to solidify relationships. Sharing your “family travelogue” is one way connect around your family story.

If you traveled to a foreign country for a month, upon your return family members would probably ask for your travelogue—the story of your journey. They would ask where you ate, what you liked, what famous sites you saw, what was most exciting or disappointing, etc. They’d want to know what the journey was like for you.

Similarly, a family travelogue asks each person to share what the stepfamily’s journey has been like for them. Ask questions like:

What was your first impression of your future stepfamily members?
How has life with your mom/dad/children change since the wedding?
What has been the most fun for you?
What has been the most difficult transition for you?
Share a favorite family memory.
What painful emotions have you been feeling lately?
What fears do you have about this stepfamily or yourself?

Try not to be defensive or take comments personally. Listen openly and celebrate the evidences of love that is growing in your home.

If you’re ministering to stepfamilies:

Affirming stepfamilies publicly is always good ministry. It affirms their heart, confronts their fear that others view them as “second-class Christians,” and reminds the church that God redeems and restores. Try to incorporate the message of this article into a Christmas sermon, class, or devotional presentation. Find a stepfamily in your congregation who can serve as an illustration of the “choice to love.” Everyone can be encouraged by their example.

Graduation is a time when many high school and college students, along with their families, experience the reward of hard work and dedication. In addition to the celebration, graduation creates an important transition and gateway to another stage of life. Increased independence, financial autonomy, a job or college, even marriage awaits the new graduate.

I’ve often wondered, When is it time for stepfamilies and stepparents to graduate to the next stage of life? For example, stepfamilies often spend a number of years learning how to become family to one another, but when is it time for them to stop viewing their relationships as new or tentative and instead graduate into an established family identity?

A stepmom named Carri got me thinking about this when she asked an insightful question. “Much of the stepfamily materials that I read are really about surviving the first few years. I know that’s the most difficult aspect of stepfamily living for most people, but what happens after that?”

A healthy stepfamily perspective recognizes that due to a lack of emotional bonds, stepfamilies function differently than biological families in many key ways. For example, stepparents cannot claim the same level of authority as biological parents just because they are adults in the home. Respect and authority must be earned and developed over time.

But once this has been established, how does a stepparent know when it’s time to “graduate” to the next level? How do parents know it’s time to move into the next season of their family experience?

Two key questions

Carri’s family has a lot going for it. At the age of 46, Carri is the stepmother of two young adult children and has been in their lives since they were four and two years old. She and her husband, Doug, have a strong marriage and his ex-wife is cordial and cooperative for the most part.

I told Carri that there’s not an established criteria to determine when a stepfamily is ready to “graduate” to the next level because the pace of stepfamily development and maturity is different for each family. But I did offer her two questions that she and her husband could discuss to help them decide if was time to move past thinking of themselves as a “family in the making.”

Reflect back on the emotional climate after you first married. How have relationships between stepsiblings and with the stepparent improved? Have family members bonded and do they love and trust one another? For example, during times of stress or anxiety do stepchildren lean on their stepparent as they do their biological parents?
If a miracle happened and the stepparent felt the full rank and acceptance as a parent and family member (to both those in the home and extended family members), how would the stepparent demonstrate that truth in how they relate to others and respond in the home?

If the answer to the first question highlights substantial growth in family bonding and trust, and if the second question leads you to recognize that the stepparent already lives out of this acceptance, then you might be ready to graduate to the next level of family identity. As reported in my book The Smart Stepfamily, most stepfamilies need from 5-7 years to move to this level of bonding.

Unless you live out of confidence rather than apprehension, you won’t reap the full rewards of your family’s growth. Ironically, some stepfamilies are already there but don’t graduate in their heart because they are afraid of messing things up. In that case, finding courage to move to the next level will acknowledge the emotional bonding that already exists and may mature what just needed a little push.

Carri and Doug talked through these questions and realized they could put behind them the cautiousness that characterizes a fragile stepfamily identity and embrace a more confident posture. They celebrated “graduation” and are moving forward with the next season of life…with anticipation of how the Lord will bless them next.

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

TAKING ACTION

For couples, here are characteristics of stepparents with a well established role in the home (not a fragile, tentative one):

They take negative reactions from kids less personally and aren’t offended when their spouse occasionally speaks up for the children.
They are less reactive and respond from a position of confidence instead of a fragile need for acceptance or approval. This is because they are more relaxed instead of constantly evaluating their place in the home.
They have less internal guilt over “how things are” versus “how they should be.”
They don’t compete against the ideal of being a “real” family.
They experience the freedom to be themselves with others in the home.
They are infrequently threatened when their spouse spends exclusive time with the children.
They rest in a connected relationship with a stepchild that is independent of the biological parent’s presence or involvement. They have their own place in the child’s heart.
They notice that the biological parent: a) feels less paralyzing guilt and pity regarding their children, b) is less defensive about their children, and c) is not over reactive to the stepparent’s constructive criticism of the children.

Pastors:
When you witness a strong stepfamily dynamic, encourage the parent and stepparent to respond to each other and their children out of confidence instead of fear. Help them move to deeper levels of family trust when it is evident that they are doing well as a family. However, when conflict is evident within a home, help couples adopt a more appropriate model of parenting. Refer them to SuccessfulStepfamilies.com for guidance.

If there is one day of the year that can trigger elation or sadness for a stepmom, it’s usually Mother’s Day. And while stepfathers often find Father’s Day awkward, children and grandparents may find both days very uncomfortable.

Conference speaker and stepmom Laura Petherbridge tells how her husband wants to honor her on Mother’s Day for loving his kids, but he isn’t always sure how. She writes in our book The Smart Stepmom, “My stepsons call and wish me ‘Happy Mother’s Day,’ but we both know I’m not their mom, so it feels awkward. I do not expect my stepsons to honor me on Mother’s Day—because I’m NOT their mom. However, I do desire for my husband to do something nice, such as brunch, as a gesture of gratitude for all the years of working toward building a bridge with his kids.”

Laura is most certainly not alone. A couple of years ago I posted a question: Do you think stepparents should be acknowledged on Mother’s and Father’s Day? The responses poured in, more than for any other question. Danielle wrote, “God put those adults in the lives of those children to be a parental figure. To exclude them is just wrong; it’s almost like a slap on the face. Not acknowledging them is ignoring the part they play in those children’s lives and not recognizing God’s ways for that family.”

Everyone else also agreed that stepparents should be acknowledged, but doing so was often awkward for the entire family.

Relational tensions

Special family days highlight the differing bonds between biological parents, stepparents, and children. Everyone feels the tension when a stepfather tries to carve the Thanksgiving turkey for the first time (and perhaps the tenth) when that role was previously reserved for the father. It just doesn’t feel right. Similarly, Mother’s and Father’s Day will bring to the forefront any ongoing relational tensions within a stepfamily.

A child, for example, may feel that a parent who stands up at church when mothers are honored is trying to take his mother’s place. A stepparent, on the other hand, who has all the pain, frustrations, negative emotions, financial strain, and difficulty of being a parent—but none of the joys—may feel slighted for not receiving a greeting card. As one stepmom put it, “I get all the grief of parenting but I don’t get to enjoy the pleasures associated with being a mom.”

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!

What can families do?

Specific advice on how to honor the stepparent in your family depends on how accepted he or she is within the home. This is a function of time and relationship; the more bonded the stepparent, the more celebratory the family can be. Here are some suggestions to consider.

Biological parents can spend the day with the stepparent. Treat him or her like a king or queen; lavish the stepparent with something they really like. Remember to tell them that you recognize that their role is not easy, and that you appreciate how hard they work at caring for your children.
Don’t force your child to do something special for the stepparent on Mother’s or Father’s Day. He may feel it is dishonoring his mother or father to show appreciation to the stepparent. This will depend greatly on how the former spouse responds to the stepparent.
On the other hand, if children feel comfortable giving a gift to the stepparent, encourage them to do so. One stepmom wrote, “My first Mother’s Day his girls took me out for breakfast. While we were eating they gave me a beautiful card, with wording that was extremely touching. It brought tears to my eyes and I started to cry. The youngest, age 14, also started to cry as well. She really made me feel special by recognizing my deep feelings on Mother’s Day.”

What can churches do?

For many of you reading this, the most important action you can take is to share with your pastor how difficult Mother’s and Father’s Day is for stepparents. Educate them on how frequently stepparents dread going to church that day because of the way it is handled. Elains says, “The way our pastor says ‘mothers,’ you know he only means those by birth. He has the women come forward, and then he prays a blessing upon them. As a stepmom this has always been an awkward moment for me.”

For years I have encouraged church leaders to acknowledge all caregivers of children—foster parents, adoptive parents, grandparents, and stepparents—on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Just use the word stepmom, for example, and you validate her as an important caregiver in her home and remind stepchildren that they too should give her thanks for what she does. It may not seem like much, but a simple word from the pulpit on Sunday goes a long way.

TAKING ACTION

Educate your pastor

It may be obvious to you how confusing Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are for both children and parents in stepfamilies, but it is far from the minds of most pastors. However, it is my experience that once enlightened, many pastors are more than willing to acknowledge stepparents as they never have before.

To educate them, give them a copy of this article prior to Mother’s Day so they can plan out their words.
Perhaps take them to lunch and share your heart for stepfamilies.

Pastors: What you can say

Special family days present a perfect opportunity for you to communicate awareness of the complexities of people’s lives and grace for their circumstances (foster dads or stepmothers, for example).
Consider utilizing these words as a way of connecting with and affirming the stepparents in your church and community: “This morning is Mother’s Day, a time to honor God’s gift we call ‘mom.’ If you are a mother, a stepmother, an adoptive mother, or a foster mother would you please stand so we can honor you this morning?”

If you’ve ever driven into Washington, D.C., on Interstate 395 late at night, you’ve seen the magnificent splendor of the Washington Monument, looking like a shining ivory needle illuminated against the night sky. Hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of lights shine directly on the stone pillar, memorializing the father of our country.

Yet I doubt you have ever noticed, or maybe even thought about, those expensive, brilliant lights. That’s because they are there to illuminate something else. If they are doing their job, you’re not thinking about them; you’re thinking about the Washington Monument.

The same is true of the Spirit of God. His purpose is to illuminate the gospel and bring glory to Jesus. J.I. Packer calls the work of the Spirit a “floodlight” ministry, quietly turning everyone’s attention away from Himself and to the Savior. Theologian Dale Bruner calls Him, in fact, the “shy member of the Trinity,” because He doesn’t like attention on Himself!

This means that when someone claims to be filled with the Spirit and yet spends most of his time talking about his own experiences with the Spirit, you have reason to doubt whether he really is filled with the Spirit. When the Holy Spirit speaks through someone, you tend to forget about the person speaking. You don’t even really think about the Holy Spirit. You find yourself thinking about Jesus.

The fullness of the Spirit comes as we plumb the depths, heights, widths, and lengths of God’s love as revealed in the gospel. The more He comes into us, the more we know His love; and the more of His love we know, the more of His fullness grows within us (Eph. 3:17-19). The Spirit moves us in the Word. The Spirit moves us to go deeper into that Word.

So do you want more of the Spirit? If so, then seek greater knowledge of God’s love through the Word of His gospel. As you do, Paul promises, you’ll experience the “fullness of God.”

We cannot fulfill the Word apart from the Spirit

Just as there is no real experience with the Spirit apart from the Word, so there can be no true obedience to the Word apart from the Spirit. “Apart from me,” Jesus said, “you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

Nothing is a big word, and I’m sure Jesus chose it intentionally. Without His divine presence living inside of us, we cannot truly accomplish even the first word of His commands.

This means we cannot overcome sin without His presence. We cannot love others. We cannot win others to Christ. We cannot raise our children. We are like an appliance unplugged from the socket. We can do nothing.

Jesus told His disciples that if they truly understood that the Holy Spirit was so essential to their lives and would be such a help to them, they would be glad Jesus was returning to heaven, because only then would the Holy Spirit come:

“Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you.” (John 16:7 ESV)

Think for a moment about how absurd this idea must have sounded to those first disciples. It would be to their advantage for Jesus to go away? What would it have been like to walk around with the all-knowing, miracle-working, God of the universe—and then to have him tell you that you shouldn’t feel sad over His departure because it was to your advantage?

Really?

Apparently so.

For if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you. (John 16:7)

Jesus claimed that having the Holy Spirit in them would be better than having Him beside them. Wow. Let that sink in for a moment.

Jesus believed that the Holy Spirit would be a better teacher than even He was. That may sound hard to believe, but the Spirit, Jesus explained, could apply the Word more powerfully than He did, because He could speak it into the deep recesses of our heart at just the right moments (John 14:25-26; 16:5-14; 1 John 2:27-28).

Only through the Holy Spirit can we live victoriously over sin. In Romans 8, Paul’s great chapter on how to live the victorious life, he refers to the Spirit 22 times. The implication is clear: If we want victory over our sinful flesh, we must be filled with the Holy Spirit!

Better than Jesus beside them

When I read the book of Acts, I don’t have any problem seeing how the apostles would have considered the Spirit’s presence in them to be better than Jesus beside them! They turn out, after all, to be much more effective witnesses after Jesus leaves.

Think about it: The same Peter who denied Christ three times in one night before the Spirit came boldly tells a crowd in Acts 2, “You crucified Christ by wicked hands!” Then 3,000 get saved and baptized on the spot.

And while the Holy Spirit worked through Peter in Jerusalem in Acts 15, he was simultaneously speaking through Paul in Philippi in Acts 16. He was two places at once! Jesus inHis incarnation couldn’t have done that! Now that the Holy Spirit had come, God’s power was not localized in one person in one place. He was in every believer, scattered all over the world with His power.

Now, maybe you still feel skeptical. You cannot understand how it possibly could be better to have an invisible presence inside of you rather than a bodily Jesus beside you. Fair enough. But at least concede this: What Jesus said has to mean something, right?

Be encouraged. That “something” is what God has waiting for you.

This woman’s story expresses well how Barbara and I feel too often:

My husband works a night shift, while I work days. Thus our cars always pass going in opposite directions on a street just a few miles from our house. When we pass, we both yell, “I love you!” One day, after our rush-hour rendezvous, a man who had obviously witnessed this scene several times pulled up beside me at a stoplight. “Hey, lady,” he said, “you two seem to like the looks of each other pretty well. Why don’t you stop and introduce yourselves sometime?”

Like that couple, many others live lives that flirt with exhaustion. Wayne Muller writes that the standard greeting everywhere is “I am so busy.” He goes on to say, “The busier we are, the more important we seem to ourselves and, we imagine, to others. To be unavailable to our friends and family … to whiz through our obligations without time for a single mindful breath—this has become the model of a successful life.”

He’s right: We’re a culture of weary people. And a significant part of our weariness is not because modern life is “so busy,” but because we have forgotten or never learned how to rest.

Early in our marriage Barbara challenged how I spent the Sabbath. She questioned me when I worked. But mostly, she modeled a quiet Sunday, retreating to our bedroom to read a good book, study the Scriptures, and take a nap.

The decision to go on a Sunday night date also became part of our sabbath rest. We’d go out to eat, look over our schedules, and discuss issues in our marriage. Those dates became times of emotional and spiritual reconnection, islands of clarity for us as a couple (and later as parents).

How can you and your spouse break the day-in, day-out cycle of nonstop work and weariness?

Sabbath rest is now foreign to our culture

Rest was important to God from the very beginning. He created for six days, then rested on the seventh.

But contrary to this pattern God established, the idea of sabbath rest is now foreign to our culture, and a rather novel thought for most Christians too. Gordon MacDonald states bluntly, “A rest-less work style produces a restless person … We do not rest because our work is done; we rest because God commanded it and created us to have a need for it.”

God knew we would need to get our bearings before plunging back into the daily grind. But adjusting to a sabbath pace isn’t easy. Just try it! You’ll probably experience how unnatural this day of rest is to us twenty-first-century Christians. We are definitely out of practice.

As I mentioned earlier, our family owes its sabbath practices almost solely to Barbara. She has fought for them in our home, and I have not always been cooperative. She wanted Sunday to be as God intended it—a day set apart to reflect and rest, to allow the soul to catch up with the body. I’ll let her explain more of why the Sabbath is so important.

I (Barbara) find both parts of Exodus 34:21 intriguing. The first part is familiar: “You shall work six days, but on the seventh day you shall rest.” However, we often overlook the second part: “Even during plowing time and harvest you shall rest.” In other words, no matter how busy we are or how long the “to do” list is, we need a regular break. We’re tempted to say, “I’ve got these few hours on Sunday afternoon. I could get a jump-start on the laundry, or I could run a couple of errands and catch up a bit.” But if we compromise, we will miss what we desperately need the most—rest.

Dorothy Bass notes:

[In] The Overworked American, economist Juliet Schor reported that work hours and stress are up, and sleep and family time are down for all classes of employed Americans. Wives working outside the home return to find a “second shift” of housework awaiting them. Husbands add overtime or second jobs to their schedules. Single parents stretch in so many directions that they sometimes feel they can’t manage. Simultaneously, all are bombarded by messages that urge them to spend more (and so, ultimately, work more), to keep their homes cleaner (standards keep rising), and to improve themselves as lovers, investors, parents, or athletes. Supposedly to make all this possible, grocery stores stay open all night long, and entertainment options are available around the clock. We live, says Schor, in “an economy and society that are demanding too much from people.”

That accurately describes our culture today. We don’t know how to slow down, take a day off, or rest. And I admit it’s not easy for us as a large family, either. But I wanted our children to learn that something needs to be different about Sunday. I wanted them to learn the importance of rest, to have time to think, to be still. I didn’t want our children to grow up and be so busy, they couldn’t hear God speak to them.

Suggestions for successful Sabbath making

One author said about the Sabbath, “We would do well to heed three millennia of Jewish reflection on the Sabbath commandment. Not good are work and commerce and worry.” That’s a succinct summary of how “to do” Sabbath. Here are some other thoughts:

1. Recognize that work is not life. Margie Haack comments on the proper attitude about work, which often inappropriately consumes us: “Work is never done. A lot of it doesn’t need to be done today. If, while you are resting, someone else wants to run the country, let them do it … While I am obeying God’s command to rest, He will kindly run the universe.”

2. Make Sunday (or your Sabbath) special. Start preparing at least the day before the Sabbath. For example, if any of our children had homework due on Monday, we asked them to complete it by Saturday night. On Sunday, we worshipped as a family. For the remainder of the day, we limited outgoing phone calls to family members only. The house stayed quieter—time for naps, reading, recreation, relationship building. We avoided the usual activities that drain energy and time and can bring worry, such as shopping or bill paying.

What if you have to work on Sunday? Many millions do—including all of those pastors who deliver sermons on Sunday morning. If necessary, observe your Sabbath on another day or part of a day. The idea, not strict observance, counts.

3. Work together as a couple to learn what brings true rest for you as individuals, as a couple, and later as a family. For some, rest means recreation, such as a hike or jogging. For others, rest may include taking a nap or hanging out with the family.

4. Remember that worship is an integral part of a day of rest. Without question, worshiping in a local church is necessary on the Sabbath and can continue at home after the church service. Fill your home with the soothing sounds of hymns or praise music that exalts the Lord God Almighty and turns your heart toward Him.

5. Without becoming legalistic, continue to discuss and refine together the ways you experience sabbath rest. Some of the most stimulating discussions Barbara and I have had concern the activities that encourage sabbath rest. Should we rake leaves, fix meals, watch football, wax the car? To what extent will we try to protect our lives, marriage, and family from the world on this special day? Be purposeful about your day of rest together. Make it a spiritual discipline.

Honoring the Sabbath is like having a family wheel alignment once a week. If you’re not able on a regular basis to reflect on where the family is headed, in two or three months you can slowly drift off track and end up in a ditch. For the spiritual, emotional, and physical health of everyone in your family, take time to rest and take a sabbath break every week.

Rhonda sat in the divorce hearing fighting back her tears. The hurtful lies and stories coming from her ex-husband were cutting her soul to pieces. How could someone who said he loved her try to ruin her life?

After all, she knew the truth. She was the one who tried everything she knew to keep the marriage together. She was the one who looked the other way after discovering his many affairs. She was the one who worked a second job to feed and clothe their three children after he was fired.

She was the one who tolerated being demeaned and abused for the past years. And after all of that, he had the nerve to slap her with a notice of divorce and engage in a battle to take the children away from her.

At the first break in the hearings, Rhonda’s best friend escorted her out of the building and into the fresh air. “I know it really hurts you to hear all of those lies coming from someone you once loved, but I want you to forgive him for all the awful things he has done to you and your children,” her friend pleaded.

“No way!” Rhonda said. “I want him to feel all the hurt I’m feeling! I want him to pay 10 times over for destroying this family and trying to take my kids! There is no way I’m going to forgive him and let him off the hook!”

Rhonda’s friend slowly pulled her close and warmly embraced her. “I didn’t say that to let him off the hook. I said it so you can be let off the hook.”

Rhonda stared at her, looking puzzled.

She consoled Rhonda. “Look at what the anger and bitterness is doing to you. It’s destroying your whole life. You can’t sleep at night, your health is failing, and your children notice the change in your behavior toward them.”

She continued. “Forgiveness doesn’t let him off the hook, but it does set you free. Please don’t destroy yourself along with him. You’ve got to learn to forgive.”

“I need to forgive, but I don’t know how. Please help me.”

As they embraced again Rhonda finally understood her situation. She knew her friend was correct. She needed relief from the inner wars and battles of bitterness and anger. Rhonda stared into her friend’s eyes, “I need to forgive, but I don’t know how. Please help me.”

Rhonda’s friend extended her hands, “Just repeat this prayer with me: ‘Father, You know how much I’ve been hurt through all of this and You know the hurt of my children. Father, I’m asking you to forgive him, not because I want to, but because You said to forgive. I pray that You will remove all of this anger and hurt inside of me, and help me to love my enemies. I receive Your peace, comfort, and joy into my heart this very second. In Jesus’ name. Amen.’ ”

After the prayer, Rhonda sensed the peace of God enter her. She seemed to have a different facial expression during the next session: an expression of peace and contentment. She had found the secret to freeing herself from destruction by anger and bitterness. That secret was forgiveness.

As Rhonda discovered, the first and most difficult step to take in forgiving others is bringing ourselves to speak the words from the heart (with the intent to live by them).

It’s very difficult to ask God to forgive those who hurt us, especially when the hurt has run deep. Our emotions are yelling, “Never!” But our spirit is whispering, “It’s time to forgive, and move beyond this pain and anger.”

Do that which is right

We cannot afford to wait on our emotions to catch up with what’s right in our spirit. As a matter of fact, performing that which is spiritual often goes against what we are feeling; thus the two sides are often in conflict.

To help us understand, let’s examine the words found in Romans 7:21-23, “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”

These Scriptures are talking about the two great laws at work in our lives—the law of righteousness, which knows and acknowledges the good things we should do, and the law of sin, which persuades us to do those things which are wrong. In other words, spiritually, we know and want to do the right things, but in our bodies, we want to do the wrong thing.

How do we do the spiritual and right thing and yet at the same time satisfy our emotions? The answer is quite simple—it cannot be done. We must do that which is right and allow our emotions to complain in the process.

The way to do this is to go to God in prayer and ask Him to forgive those who have wronged us, even if we are seeking forgiveness for ourselves. Remember, when we say the words, our emotions will not agree with them, but we will have accomplished something good and spiritual. In our emotions, we may still have the pain and anger, but our spirit will no longer be burdened by unforgiveness.

When you pray for your wife, pray for:

1. Her husband. Start by praying for change in yourself, and ask God to give you a clean heart.

2. Her spirit.

3. Her emotions.

4. Her motherhood.

5. Her moods.

6. Her marriage. Pray that love will continue to grow between you and your wife, that you and your wife will resist the temptation to stray, and that there will be no divorce in your future.

7. Her submission.

8. Her relationships.

9. Her priorities.

10. Her beauty.

11. Her sexuality.

12. Her fears.

13. Her purpose.

14. Her trust.

15. Her protection.

16. Her desires.

17. Her work.

18. Her deliverance.

19. Her obedience.

20. Her future.

Here is some advice that can help you navigate these waters successfully, including a few good lines that always work. Say them to your wife in any order, and then pray for her.

1. “I love you.”
2. “You are the greatest woman in the world to me.”
3. “You’re beautiful when you’re moody.” (Maybe you shouldn’t use the word “moody.” “Upset” might be a better

choice.)
4.   “Tell me what’s on your mind, and I promise not to get mad.”
5.   “How have I let you down?”
6.   “How can I make it up to you?”
7. “Have you been getting enough sleep?”
8. “What would make you happy right now?”
9.   “I don’t have all the answers. But God does.”
10.“Do you want to pray about this together?”

When my husband, Jim, and I pledged lifelong love to one another more than 30 years ago, we thought we had a lot in common. We had grown up in the same city, shared many of the same friends, and enjoyed similar leisure activities.

Still, we soon learned that men and women are very different. Shortly after we married, Jim bought me what he thought was the perfect Christmas present: an outboard motor for our sailboat. Needless to say, I was not pleased.

When I recently asked Jim to go down memory lane and recall why in the world he gave me an outboard motor for Christmas, he said “I knew you’d love it … often there was no breeze on the lake [that we sailed on].” In his defense, he was right about the breeze … but really, who gives his wife an outboard motor for Christmas?

Then he said, “It was a five-horsepower, air-cooled Eska outboard motor.”

I couldn’t believe that after all these years my hubby remembered what kind of outboard motor it was! Yes, many times men and women just think differently. No wonder the apostle Peter said, “You husbands … live with your wives in an understanding way” (1 Peter 3:7a).

Would you like a little help in understanding your wife? I asked some women to send me a list of their “no-no’s” for husbands—the things a good husband should never do. The following are some of their common answers.

1. When your wife is sharing a problem, don’t tell her how to solve it before she’s even finished sharing.

We women need to talk—probably a lot more than you do. If you don’t say a word and just listen to our problems, you are saying to us, “I love you. I want to understand you. I am here for you.”

Apparently, God has wired the brains of many men to think: Alert … alert … problem to be solved. Need answer right away. But that’s not what most wives want to hear. Their brains say: Alert … alert … problem … need to tell husband all about it—every last detail.

Your wife wants your undivided attention. She wants you to look at her when she is talking. She wants you to put down the newspaper and turn off the TV and hear her heart … feel her pain … and just be there for her.

2. Don’t tell your wife how to feel.

Winston Churchill once said, “Never, never, never give up.” And women say, “Never, never, never tell your wife how to feel.”

For example, please don’t say, “You shouldn’t be afraid or worried about that.” The fact is, we are afraid or worried about that. Just acknowledge our feelings. Tell us that you will pray for us. Ask us what you can do to help us not be afraid/worried, etc.

One woman said it this way: “Don’t try to use logic to explain away her feelings.”

Imagine that a woman is feeling nervous and her husband says, “You have no reason to feel that way. Calm down.” Or maybe she feels anxious, and he comments in a matter-of-fact way, “You worry too much.” Or, what if someone hurt her feelings and he says, “You’re too sensitive.” These responses make her feel dismissed, unheard … unimportant.

And, horror of horrors, please don’t discount your wife’s feelings by blaming them on hormones!

Okay, let me try to put this in man-talk. Your favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys and they are playing the Indianapolis Colts. You are on the edge of your recliner as the score is 28-27 with 30 seconds left. Dallas is preparing to kick a field goal when your wife strolls into the family room. She sees you sweating as though the winning points are up to you.

“What are you so uptight about? Calm down, it’s just a football game,” she says. “It doesn’t matter to God who wins.”

Well, you are uptight about the game and it does matter to you. Get my point?

3. If your wife is trying to describe a hurt that you are responsible for, don’t dismiss it. Be sensitive to her feelings and be willing to apologize.

One woman put it this way, “If you made a mistake, be a man and admit it.” Another said, “Be humble. Confess your sins and ask for forgiveness when necessary.”

We all make mistakes—both husbands and wives. As strange as it may seem, when a husband owns up to his mistake and says “I’m sorry,” it makes a wife feel treasured. And when he prays for God’s forgiveness in front of her—wow! That makes a wife want to trust her husband’s leadership because he wants his life to please God.

Your wife wants a transparent relationship with you, not one where faults are swept under the rug. She wants a marriage where two imperfect people can come together, admit their faults, and depend on Christ’s forgiveness to weave their hearts together as one.

4. Don’t assume that your wife views sexual intimacy the same way that you do.

One of the reasons that your wife married you was because of her desire to be close to you—and not just in a sexual way. A wife needs to feel (there’s that word again) loved and appreciated by her husband.

For many women, thoughts of intimacy conjure up images of talking heart-to-heart … walking side-by-side (not with you walking in front of her) … holding hands. One woman wrote to say that husbands need to “understand a woman’s need for intimacy, not just sex.” Another said, “Don’t make the expectation of sexual intimacy the only time you do something special for her.”

Another warned that when a wife provides “physical touch in non-sexual ways, don’t try to turn it into a sexual experience.”

God wants husbands and wives to put one another’s needs—even sexual needs—ahead of their own. We women want to feel respected and cherished before thinking about sexual intimacy. This might not make sense to you, but it makes sense to her. Just ask your wife.

5. Don’t come home from work and think your job is done.

Whether your wife works all day inside the home or outside the home, she needs you to come alongside her to care for the children and the house. When you do this willingly, it brings her great joy.

When I walk into the kitchen thinking that the dishes need to be unloaded from the dishwasher, and discover that my husband has already done it, I think, Oh, he loves me! And no words can express the joy in a mom’s heart as she watches her spouse connect with their kids—being the father that only he can be.

6. Don’t ignore your responsibility to be the spiritual head of the family.

Wives are told in Ephesians 5:22 to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. When a Christian man has a close, intimate walk with Jesus Christ, it gives his wife confidence in his leadership. Why? Because he is looking to God as his leader.

One woman said that having a Christian husband brings her security because “My security lies in God.” When her husband makes mistakes she doesn’t nag him; she waits for God to put him on the right path.

When you study the Bible in front of your wife, she breathes a sigh of relief. That’s because you are showing her that you want to follow the only One who always knows what you should do. The more you model a desire to follow Christ as you lead your family, the more your wife will want to follow you.

Are you patient, kind, and (unconditionally) loving? Have you chosen your wife over your parents? Do you pray with your wife? Do you forgive her?

If so, then your wife can see God working in your life. And the more your life models Jesus Christ, the more your wife will feel you understand her.

I am so grateful for my 25 years of marriage to my wife, Susan. My love for her has grown immensely over the years. I’ve been faithful to her. I’m very attracted to her.

But I can tell you that it’s not because of me. It’s only because of God’s loving hand of undeserved favor. You see, I’m just one decision away from doing something really stupid that could really damage, or perhaps even destroy, our relationship. And I can tell you that I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my marriage.

Here are eight marriage mistakes I’ve made:

Mistake #1: Thinking that Susan was responsible for my happiness.

In my early years of marriage, I felt like an important part of Susan’s duty as my wife was to make me happy. I was a bit more focused on me than on us. I didn’t think so at the time, but now looking back, I relied on Susan to lift me up when I was down, to help me upon command, and to meet my physical needs when called upon.

Mistake #2: Wishing Susan would be more like me.

Unfortunately, in my younger years, I thought pretty highly of myself. So much so that I thought Susan should be more like me. Oh, I wouldn’t say that out loud, but I thought things like, If Susan was more organized and disciplined like me, she would be able to keep the house cleaner. Or, I wish Susan just got things done that I want done when I want them done. I mean, when I commit to do something for her, I’m on it and check it off the list.

Since I thought Susan should think and act more like me, I didn’t think about the incredible gifts of creativity and relational skills that Susan had. I didn’t celebrate her unique strengths that make her Susan.

Mistake #3: Trying to control Susan.

“Where are you going? Who are you going with? And what time will you be home?” Or, “Did you make sure the kids did their homework? Did they get that project done?”

Those are the kind of questions I’d ask Susan—as a father would ask his child. Rather than just encouraging her to go out and enjoy the night with friends, I made her feel like she had a curfew. Rather than me making sure our kids got certain things done, I asked Susan to take on that responsibility.

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Mistake #4: Reflecting Susan’s emotions instead of regulating my own.

Many times in our marriage, I’ve acted like a thermometer instead of a thermostat. I reflected the temperature in our relationship and home instead of regulating it.

When Susan got mad at me about something, I got mad because she was mad. If Susan was down and didn’t feel well, that frustrated me and I let her know it.

I failed to show leadership in our home by regulating my emotions and attitude. As a result, instead of cooling down our emotions, I heated them up causing some very uncomfortable disagreements.

Mistake #5: Being obsessive about things that don’t matter.

It took over a year to restore our home that had been flooded in a big storm. We just moved back in a couple of months ago. As I inspected the work of our painters, I noticed some areas that the painters should touch up. I also noticed some very tiny areas that were inside storage closets that nobody except me would ever see that could use a bit of paint. I made a big deal out of it with our painters, and with Susan, initially insisting that the places nobody would ever see be painted.

Yes, I was obsessive about it and admittedly went overboard. That kind of intense behavior can really put Susan on edge.

Mistake #6: Being critical.

When I look at a new design for a website at work, my eye often first goes to what’s wrong with it. When I look at that dresser that Susan just personally refurbished into a beautiful new piece for our home, I find that spot she missed and let her know about it.

While my critical eye can be a benefit, it can also be a curse. My tongue has been a wild animal in our marriage. It’s gotten loose and pounced upon Susan on a number of occasions with critical words and condescending tones.

Mistake #7: Acting like we are not on the same team.

Susan has said to me on more than one occasion, “I just don’t feel like we’re on the same team.” And she’s right. There have been times when she was dealing with one of our kids’ behavior and I didn’t back her up. Instead, I questioned how she was handling it in front of them. And there have been many other times when I’ve treated her like my opponent, not my teammate, in our relationship.

Mistake #8: Having an “if, then” mentality.

“If you would just meet my physical desires, then I wouldn’t be so critical of you.”

My “If you would _______, then I would _________” mentality is an example of not unconditionally loving my wife.

Those are just a sampling of mistakes I’ve made in marriage. Although I still struggle in some of these areas, I’ve made some good progress in others. Find out more about Susan’s take on life, specifically parenting and marriage here.

Have you made any of these same mistakes? If so, what have you done to address them? Maybe you’d also be so bold as to share other failures that you’ve had in your relationship and what you’ve done about them.

Years ago, I thought I was really on top of things spiritually. My wife, Gini, and I had been married about 12 years, and we had young children in the house from ages 1 to 7. Even though I was a full-time seminary student, we always seemed to make ends meet financially. The children were a great delight to us; we were involved in a growing church; my studies were rewarding. Life felt good.

I cannot remember what prompted me to do this, but I decided I would ask my oldest child, Leisa, about my priorities. I confidently asked, “What do you think is the most important thing in Daddy’s life? Now, please, don’t tell me what you think Daddy wants to hear; tell me what you really think.”

I thought Leisa would tell me that Jesus was most important to me, or perhaps my family, but she didn’t say either one of those. In fact, she told me something I truly did not want to hear. She said the most important thing in my life was … my hobby. (I used to spend hours reloading rifle shells for hunting and target shooting.) I was crushed.

I look back at this incident as the day I first took my “spiritual temperature.” I realized the life I was experiencing was much cooler than the hot, motivated Christian life that I thought I was living.

Looking for blind spots

Taking your spiritual temperature means asking others—usually your spouse, children, or a trusted friend—to evaluate your spiritual life. It usually means asking pointed questions such as the one I asked Leisa. Some other good questions could be:

“What are some things you think need to change in my life?”
“How can I be a better husband?”
“How can I be a better father?”

It’s not an easy exercise—it’s especially difficult when you involve your children—but it’s healthy. God uses it to point out blind spots, to discipline us, and to correct wrong thinking or actions in our lives.

I remember the time I developed a “Lone Ranger” mentality. I felt that nobody in my family was responding when I attempted to lead the family. It seemed they wouldn’t listen to me or do what I told them to do. After getting angry with Gini and everyone else, saying I was through leading this family, I finally calmed down long enough to gather all the children together and ask them why they weren’t responding to me.

About a week later, they came to me with a list. Here is what they told me:

We don’t like to hear you and mom fight.
We don’t like your negative or critical comments.
We don’t like your language when you are angry.
We don’t like your reaction when things don’t go your way.

I kept this list. It still sits on my dresser, serving as a reminder of how I had pushed my family away from me. Those four things were very hard to hear, but the Lord used them to get my attention about things He wanted changed in my life.

Humbling ourselves before God

Allowing God to check your spiritual temperature is not a task for the weak of heart. But I would suggest it to any father who wants to grow spiritually. Here are a few suggestions:

First, make sure you are willing to hear from the Lord when you ask your children to evaluate you spiritually.

As men, we may tend to reject or ignore the counsel of our family members. After all, we are called to be the “head” of the household, so why do we need to listen to those under our protection and spiritual authority? But family members often know and see our faults and sins better than anyone else. If God speaks through our family members, we need to prepare our hearts to hear from Him. Believe me, He often speaks to leaders through those they lead.

Second, assure your children that you want to know the truth, exactly what they see and believe.

Assure them that they should not tell you what they think you want to hear. Children want to please their father even if your relationship is not great. You may need to convince them that you want to hear from God through them.

Third, do not react negatively. Swallow your pride and receive what they tell you.

If you want the Lord to show you your faults and sins, then you must be humble enough to receive what He tells you.

Write down what your children say. Listen, but do not reply. You simply cannot defend yourself or allow your emotions to surface during this process. There will be time for that when you get alone with the Lord.

Fourth, be ready to be alone with God and respond to His Holy Spirit.

If you honestly want to be clean before your Lord, then you must plan to go to a solitary place where you can let God’s Spirit deal with what you have written down after listening to your children. This is your opportunity to experience the reality of 1 John 1:9 which says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” As you review your notes, the Holy Spirit will most likely convict your heart and bring deep regret about the things you have done. Confess to your loving Father how you have sinned and cry to Him for strength to turn from your sin.

Finally, remember that the most powerful words that a husband and father can ever say are, “I was wrong … will you forgive me?”

Men, if you will learn to use these words as frequently as necessary, your family will grow to respect you more than you could ever imagine. While it is difficult for us to admit we were wrong, it carries with it great blessings. As 1 Peter 5:6 tells us, “Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time.”

He was a well-respected executive in his community. He had climbed the ladder of success and was reaping the rewards.

Except in his family.

He arrived home from work one day and shocked his wife by telling her he wanted a divorce so he could marry another woman. This couple had two sons in grade school, and the mother worried how they would react to the news. But when she told them that their father was leaving them, she was surprised by her oldest boy’s reply: “Mom, he’s been gone for years.”

I think that’s one of the saddest quotes I’ve ever heard. It echoes through countless homes in America today, where a husband or wife, a dad or mom, may be physically present but emotionally absent. We talk about how important marriage and family is, but where are we directing our emotional energy each day?

I’ve been thinking about this lately because I’ve entered a season in my career where I have more to do than I can ever remember—more writing, more editing, more projects, more planning, more managing, more responsibility. I love all these opportunities that God has given me, but I’m also realizing how much of my emotional energy is used up during the work hours.

When I leave my home in the morning and begin driving to work, my mind shifts into a different mode of operation—like an idle computer that is suddenly activated. Throughout the day my mind is racing as I move from one task to another. I’m meeting with people … doing research … planning future articles for the FamilyLife website … trying to put words together for a column like this. I often need exercise at lunchtime just to keep my mind clear.

And when I return home each evening, what do I want? On most days I’ve used up so much emotional energy that all I care about is shutting down that computer in my mind. I want to lie on the couch and read magazines or books. I want to watch White Collar or Person of Interest on television, or relax with one of my favorite old movies on DVD. Let’s see … should I escape to the Old West and enjoy Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne squaring off with Lee Marvin in “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” or should I watch Gene Kelly in “Singin’ in the Rain”?

There’s only one tiny problem with this scenario: Life doesn’t revolve around me. Philippians 2:3 calls me to put my wife’s needs above my own. When I use up too much emotional energy at work, and waste too much time with entertainment, other priorities are neglected.

My wife, Merry, would probably say I’m being too hard on myself. My daughters are grown now, but I’m confident they wouldn’t use words like, “He’s been gone for years” when they describe me as a father. But in my heart, I know how easy it is for me to detach emotionally for a few hours or even a few days.

Here are a couple of things I need to do:

Spend more time alone with God, talking with Him and reading His Word. I find when I am consistent in spending time with God, I have more emotional energy throughout the day.
Be more proactive in spending quality time with Merry. I need to talk with her more, and I need to get out and have fun with her more.

I wish I was writing with wisdom gained from years of doing it right. But I’m still in the battle, and I have a feeling many of you are as well.

On one occasion several years ago a couple invited my wife and me into their home for dinner. We suspected that there were some problems. Waiting for the appropriate moment, I asked the general question, “How are you two doing?” The wife took the opportunity to say that this was one of the reasons we were invited. “My husband never tells me that he loves me,” she said. Of course, whenever I hear the charges of “never” or “always” in a counseling situation, I consider it an overstatement. However, the husband’s response came as close to supporting a “never” charge as I have heard. He looked shocked by her accusation and said, “That’s not fair, I tell you at least twice a year that I love you.” And he was serious! I must admit that it was difficult to mask my shock and sad laughter for that matter. Guys, twice a year will not cut it. Twice a day would be much more acceptable.

One sure way to frustrate your wife is to fail to love her. Your number-one responsibility, humanly speaking, is to love your wife to the extent that she has absolutely no doubts about it. Your expressions of love must be demonstrable, practical, and perennial!

When I go to my local greeting-card store to pick up a card for my wife on her birthday or Valentine’s Day, there are always several cards that say, “I know I haven’t said it as often as I should,” and you should not be in a position to purchase that card! You should be confident that you are speaking such words of love and affection. Gentlemen, be confident that you are speaking words of love and appreciation “as often as I should.” Of course, your words should be backed up by your actions and affection. Maybe one of the reasons your wife is feeling unattractive is that you are failing to show her affection from day to day. Don’t forget those daily hugs and kisses as you leave one another in the morning and when you see one another again later in the day. Is your wife frustrated? Perhaps it is because she is insecure in her assurance of your love.

Another way to frustrate your wife is to fail to lead. Christian wives hope their husbands will be godly leaders. They hope that you will take the initiative. What does this look like? It includes leading the family as a whole by establishing and actively supporting the objective of becoming a God-glorifying household. It means taking the initiative in leading the family in engagement with God’s Word both in the local church and at home. The shepherd leader at home protects his flock by actively instructing the sheep and being responsible for discipline when one of the sheep strays. In addition to these responsibilities, you are also to exercise loving leadership for your wife personally in her walk with the Lord. You are there to provide emotional, physical, and spiritual support. Where these are missing, your wife will most certainly be frustrated.

Perhaps you’ve seen the lofty description of the excellent wife found in the second half of Proverbs 31. It has challenged (and aggravated) women for centuries and given men a sort of checklist for the ideal spouse. A kind of Wonder Woman for her time.

Remember the comic-book heroine Wonder Woman? She was the Amazon Princess Diana who came to defend America against the Nazis in the 1940s, and to do it in a costume less than one-third of what any male superhero wore.

Today, wonder woman is a euphemism for an active, strong woman in any arena. But the fact is, the comic-book character never took on the really hard stuff; she could only type 120 words a minute and save America—she never tried to manage a household and live a godly life. Wonder Woman 31 from Proverbs truly does it all—home management, business development, real estate, culinary arts. She’s decisive, analytical, detailed, rational, kind, caring, socially adept, and godly—a wife, mother, employer, business owner. But the comic-book heroine and today’s wonder woman do have two big things in common. First, sometimes we pearly toothed hunks can’t see past their clever disguises. And second, they rarely get the credit they deserve.

I married my wife because I couldn’t imagine ever finding her equal. I was in love, and I was also impressed. Her value was so clear that there was no way I was going to let her get away if I could do anything about it. I began with the perspective Adam had toward Eve when he first laid eyes on her: Wow!

Long red hair, a natural, earthy style, and mischievous brown eyes that said, if you can’t take a joke, you’re going to regret ever meeting me. I certainly didn’t know God’s will for my life the first time I saw her, but I thought I knew my will for my life.

Proverbs 18:22 states, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” God’s plan is to bless us men through this good thing. I had no doubt that this young lady was a very good thing! And just having her would be favor enough.

I spent time getting to know her while keeping my true identity as Super Smitten Man a secret. I spent a lot of time praying for God’s direction and, of course, blabbing to anyone else who’d listen and hopefully mention my fondness to her. It seemed that every time we were around each other, her value to me grew.

In fact, I had seven years to confirm that she was valuable, as she mostly ignored me. Well, ignored may be too strong: the thesaurus says disregarded, overlooked, or bypassed would be equally descriptive. Just pick one. The point is, I finally caught her. The details of our courtship are relatively unimportant since every couple has their own story, but eventually, I got her. The compliment of my life was that she traded all her other options (and they were numerous) for me. Like her new title “Mrs.,” I felt like I deserved a prefix too—something like “The Amazing,” “The Incredible,” or “The Fantastic.”

A strong beginning like I practiced is not terribly unusual though, and many men proudly show off their catches. Unfortunately, however, over time we men often fade in our enthusiasm as other things compete for our attention. Our “good thing” becomes part of the everyday scenery, and values become relative. Not intentionally usually, and not because the good thing has stopped being good in itself. But life is sneaky—you have to watch it every minute or stuff happens. Stuff that makes you go to counseling and sit there with your arms crossed, trying to sound like you’re not the one with the problem. Stuff that ends marriages, with each side certain it was the other’s fault.

We get distracted rather easily from pursuing our spouse’s full potential. It’s like investing in a house, expecting it to appreciate, but never spraying for termites, painting, roofing, and doing all the other smart things. Then one day, surprise—you’re the one bringing down the neighborhood property values. Sort of like the guy in Luke 14 who started a project he couldn’t afford to finish and was ridiculed for poor planning. That scenario is just as possible in our marriages if we stop seeing the value of continuing to invest in our wives.

A husband of the Proverbs 31 variety guards against any loss of esteem for his wife. He finds ways to refresh the perspective he had when he first proposed. Not the spark, not the fire, not the chemistry, or any other combustible romantic metaphor, but the value. Value by definition is enduring. And it can be enhanced.

If you think you may have lost a little wonder of your woman, don’t panic. But don’t just sit there either. The fix is relatively un-mysterious: reevaluate the worth of things according to Scripture and maturity. Now, if you don’t at least own a Bible, you will be at a disadvantage here. This is where all transcendent things and all temporal things are categorized and explained. (If your wife knows why you want to read it, I’ll bet she’d go out in a blizzard to get you one.)

Once you’ve looked for a while at what God values, you’ll begin to see your own choices differently. All of them.

Hey, all you dads out there … I have a fabulous idea that will make your wife the happiest she’s been in weeks and make you her hero!

When you get home from work tonight, walk up, throw your arms around her, tell her how much you love and appreciate her, and then tell her to leave.

Now I suspect that she’ll give you a confused look. As soon as that happens, begin to insist, with fervor, that she needs some time to herself. Then tell her to just drop everything and leave. At this point, you may have to pick her up off of the floor because she may have fainted. A little splash of cold water, a big kiss from you, and she’ll be back on her feet in no time.

On occasion, my husband has been known to surprise me with a night out. When he shows me that he has a sincere desire for me to have some time to myself, it truly makes my heart soar. As much as I love my role as wife and mother, and as much as it brings me great satisfaction to care for my family, I love the opportunity to spend time with no real agenda, no real purpose except to just enjoy the evening being Tracey, instead of my husband’s wife or my kids’ mom.

It’s that easy

If you want to go above and beyond you could talk to the husband of one of her dear friends and get him to do the same. Just imagine your wife’s joy when she gets a phone call from her friend, who says, “Can you believe this—I was in the middle of cooking dinner, but he’s insisting I just leave! I’ll pick you up in 30 minutes … let’s just go get a cup of coffee and sit and talk!”

Can you believe it? It’s that easy to be a hero.

And take a moment to think about what you will model for your children—putting someone else’s needs above your own. Look over the words in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Amazing isn’t it, that a simple night out could say this to your wife?

If you get any pushback from the children because they don’t want Mom to leave, that’s your opportunity to teach them to celebrate their mother. They can be in on all the fun! Get them involved by directing them to help pick out some fun clothes for her to wear! You can be your wife’s number one cheerleader. Your children will see you loving their mother well. How cool is that? Isn’t that legacy worth a night of a little extra hassle for you?

If your wife does not like surprises, talk to her about your desire to do this ahead of time and give her the opportunity to plan what she’d like to do.

Try it and soon after, she may insist on a night in—with you!

In May 1969, I sat beside my dad in the intensive care wing of our hometown hospital. I was single at the time and had come home from graduate school to see my dad because he had undergone serious surgery. Susan, who was working in Georgia, had come up to visit me and the family at the same time. In our conversation, Dad asked how she was doing and then he squeezed my hand, looked into my eyes, and said, “Son, marry that girl.”

That turned out to be our last conversation, and he had given me what would be his final bit of advice. He died unexpectedly two days later. I asked Susan that very day if she would become my wife.

Later that week, in the sad, shocking aftermath of Dad’s sudden death, my young fiancé and I sat down to talk about our future. We decided to make a list of needs, questions, and decisions that we were concerned about. This became the beginning of our prayer list, which we used for several years to come.

I pulled out that little vinyl notebook the other day and reviewed the many notations in Susan’s handwriting and mine. A date, the request, and often another date, off to the side, with a brief description of how we had seen the prayer answered. One prayer was that Susan would find a job that was compatible with her gifts and experience. Less than a month later, she accepted an offer to be Dean of Women at a small private college—just the sort of thing we were hoping for. That first little notebook contains 88 entries of needs about which we prayed.

How to be a prayer warrior for your wife

Now, almost 30 years later, I continue to pray for Susan. I’m still praying for our relationship—that it will continue to deepen and mature, that I will understand her better, that I will hear her more effectively, and serve her. I pray for her physical health to continue to be strong, and for her to grow in peacefulness. I pray for her writing and teaching, and that we will always be able to talk together, have fun together…

In other words, praying for your wife can become a way of life. As her husband, you are her chief prayer warrior. This requires you to know her well and to stay tuned to her needs so that you can pray wisely. Let’s consider some ways in which we can equip ourselves to pray significant, powerful prayers for our wives.

Spend time with her.

A man who wants to support his wife effectively through prayer must make time to know her and understand her. You’ve got to know what’s going on in her life, what she’s doing, what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. This can take a good deal of thoughtfulness and attention on our part.

Your wife may not tell you everything that’s on her mind. She may be burdened about a child, or fearful for a parent, but not be able to talk about it. A wise husband will make it a top priority to be with his wife and to talk to her. As the years go by he will learn to read her and to see beneath the surface. He will learn the right questions to help her open up.

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Look for purposes, patterns, and priorities in her life.

It’s helpful for me to distinguish between the day-to-day concerns and the more long-term, overarching prayers. Once or twice a year I prepare a formal list of items that I pray about all year long on behalf of my wife. Traditionally, I go to a place where I can be alone for a significant amount of time and I think about her needs as I know them. I look at Susan’s life from several different angles—physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual—and then I begin to list her needs.

For example, there may be two or three small physical problems that she’s encountered—but which may actually indicate a change in her health. In her late 30s, as our children got a little older, I began to notice a growing concern in Susan’s mind about her purpose in life. Things like this filled out my daily prayer list for her.

When I am considering my annual list of prayers for Susan, I ask myself questions like these:

What are the concerns that she’s most aware of in her life right now?
What are issues of character that she’s struggling with?
What other relationships does she have in which she needs God’s help right now?
What particular responsibilities is she dealing with now in which she needs God’s help?

I find it’s helpful to think about Susan’s life from her point of view. For instance, how is she feeling about herself? How is she feeling about our relationship, or about her future? What are the particular gifts, interests, and opportunities before her right now? Where does she need help as she plans for the future? What are her deep longings?

Sometimes when I’m praying for my wife, I try to see a mental image of her sitting with or standing before the Lord Jesus Christ. I imagine Him looking at her and I ask myself: “What is He seeing?” “What is He saying” “What is He seeking to do in her life?” All of these questions help me formulate simple answers to guide me as I pray for her in the most important and ongoing areas of her life.

Every night, my wife and I have the same snack just before going to bed: a sliced apple and peanut butter. More times than not, as Gina is cleaning up some paper work she was doing, I am the one preparing the snack. And every night I face the same appalling battle.

You see, no two apples are exactly the same size. When they are sliced and placed on the plate, the question of which apple belongs to me must be answered. And there the battle starts. It’s not one of those life-altering battles that define the destiny of nations. It is, however, the type of daily battle that defines the character of a man.

I’d like to think that I would take a bullet to save Gina’s life. I’d like to think that I would gladly trade my own freedom if it would provide for hers. However, when it comes to apples, somehow doubt and selfishness erupt out of my heart.

Such is the battle for being a godly husband. It doesn’t often occur on the battlefield of major issues; it is on the battlefield of thousands of minor ones. How do we determine what decisions, perspectives, and actions are best? We could ask ourselves the popular bumper sticker question: “What would Jesus do?” But let’s answer the question that the Bible seems to pose: “What did Jesus do?”

The standard is set

Paul is the one who nudges all husbands in this direction. In the book of Ephesians, he gives this amazingly weighty command:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church … (Ephesians 5:25)

The command goes out to all husbands, everywhere and at all times. So, as we wrestle with the weight of such a command, we all must ask the obvious question. It is not: “How would Christ love the church?” It is: “How does Christ love the church?” We needn’t wonder or postulate. All we’ve got to do is observe.

Throughout the pages of Scripture, Christ actively loves His church. We could never contain all of the ways He does so in a single article. So let’s proceed in answering this big question by asking three more, first of Christ, then of us:

What does He do for the church? (What should I do for my wife?)
What does He think of the church? (What should I think of my wife?)
What has He become for the church? (What should I become for my wife?)

As we answer these questions, we will all understand more fully not what Jesus would do, but what He did do. In that, we have our living model for how we are to love our wives. Don’t let the size of the journey ahead of us discourage you. Every journey begins with one step. Let’s have the courage to take that first step together.

1. What does Christ do for the church?

It has been widely accepted that Christ’s activity on behalf of the church can be summarized in these three functional titles: Prophet, Priest and King. A brief look at each will give us keen insight into our role as husbands.

Christ as prophet

A prophet is someone who brings forth the Word of God to mankind. He is responsible for accurately discerning what God is saying and communicating that to others. Christ performed this prophetic role perfectly in two ways. First, He accurately spoke and taught the Word and words of God to others. Second, He was the actual expression of God and the Word made flesh.

The husband as prophet: We have the amazing privilege of bringing forth the Word of God to our wives. While this might involve some actual Bible-teaching time, we need to see the various other forms this should take. We can proclaim His Word and His will as we counsel our wives, as we make family decisions and as we plan for our family’s future. The common ingredient in all of its forms is God’s Word. Without the Word of God, a prophet has nothing to say; his words are empty and meaningless.

In addition to bringing forth the Word in our actions, we too must personify the Word made flesh in us. We must model the truth we are teaching. We must personify what we desire our wives and our marriages to become. Without personally living the truth we proclaim, we can expect no higher praise from Christ than the Pharisees received. (Matthew 23:2-4)

Christ as priest

A priest is an intercessor: someone who seeks God on behalf of someone else. As Priest, Jesus is constantly seeking God on our behalf. Through Him, we are made holy, righteous, and acceptable to God. Yet, this Priest is different from all others in that He did not sacrifice a lamb, dove, or bull. This Priest sacrificed Himself on our behalf.

The husband as priest: As we love our wives, we must serve as priest. Our wives and marriages need prayer. We have the privilege and duty of petitioning God on their behalf. We should pray for their purity, their protection, their joy, their faith, and their burdens. And we should pray for their success as a wife, as a mother, and as a woman of God.

We must again follow Christ’s example and allow our priestly sacrifice to be our very selves. Hebrews 12 tells us that Jesus looked past His own sacrifice to the joy that would occur on the other side. With that in mind, look at all that your wife could become. Consider what God might want to do with her, in her, and through her. And, for that joy set before you, willingly endure when you are called to sacrifice yourself. In so doing, you will love your wife as Christ loves His church.

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

Christ as King

A king is someone who is supreme or preeminent. As our King, Christ deserves our honor, our praise, our obedience, and our servitude. He is in charge … the undisputed leader of the church. Paul speaks many times of Jesus as the head of the church.

Yet, while this King rules and reigns, He also serves and ministers to His people. His rule is peculiar in that He models leadership by serving. He says that the greatest among His people will be those who serve. He also is an accessible King. In many courts throughout history, subjects were never permitted to be in the presence of their king. King Jesus invites us in; He leaves open the door to His throne room.

The husband as king: Ephesians 5:23 makes it clear; the husband is the head of the wife. In essence, kingship undeniably belongs to the husband. As we embrace that, we as husbands must lead. We must lead clearly and boldly. We must be out there on the edge looking to the provision and the protection of our kingdom. To do less is to fall short of our calling to headship. The privilege is ours to rule our home.

However, we are not called simply to take our crowns and dominate our wives. We must rule as Christ rules … with humility. He modeled precisely how He wants us to love our wives.

As our King, Christ knelt and washed the feet of His disciples. We must follow His example and serve. Lead boldly, yet serve. Never let the brawn of your leadership outweigh the sacrifice of your leadership. Christ kept them in perfect balance; that is our calling as well.

2. What does Christ think of the church?

At various times throughout the past 2000 years, the church has reflected very poorly on Jesus. It has bungled both its doctrine and its practice. During one decade, it is too passive and tolerant; during another, it is too judgmental and legalistic. In the middle ages, its pursuit of the lost led to the atrocity of the Crusades. In another age, its indifference to the lost led to failure in spreading the gospel.

With all of the embarrassment the church has caused, you might think that Jesus would rather disassociate with the church. Surely, He hesitates to admit His affiliation, right? Wrong. Through these select verses, take a look at what He thinks of the church.

But you [the church] are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; (1 Peter 2:9)

…I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it. (Matthew 16:18b)

He goes on to call the church His bride, His body, and His people. Even in His reproof, we are called His flock and He readily refers to Himself as our Lord, the Shepherd of the sheep. And try as we might to lose His devotion, He refuses to turn from us:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

What should I think of my wife?

Too often we fall into the trap of allowing our wife’s actions to determine what we think of her. We allow her to become less lovely to us when her actions are not lovely. We allow our love to wane when the romance fades and the honeymoon feelings disappear. This is not how Christ loves the church.

If we are going to follow His model, we must choose a different way of thinking. We must think of her as Christ does the church. Regardless of the quality of our relationship, Gina is my bride. As members of one flesh, she is in essence my body. And by the joining of two becoming one, she is forever my people.

Once you honestly ponder the person your wife is, I’m certain that you will discover plenty of wonderful traits that you have forgotten to think of. But reach further and higher than that. Think of your wife from a higher position; think of her as Christ thinks of the church: as complete, as made perfect, as chosen by God.

Practically speaking, think of her as perfectly designed by God for your good. As Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, says, marriage is not necessarily designed for your happiness but for your holiness. This is true of your wife as well. So, let your thoughts be made holy. Think of her as lovely, desirous, and pure. As you do, you will be thinking of her as Christ thinks of the church.

3. What has Christ become for the church?

Each of us is known by our names and roles. Personally, I am known both as Rob and as Daddy. I am a husband, father, friend, teacher, employee, etc. You could create your own list for your names and roles. Christ, too, has names and roles, each of which reflects a different facet of His being. All of which reflect what He is for the church.

Consider some of the better known names and roles of Christ.

A Strong tower (Proverbs 18:10)
Wonderful counselor (Isaiah 9:6)
Present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1)
The God who sees (Genesis 16:13)
Faithful and true (Revelation 19:11)
Gracious and merciful God (Nehemiah 9:31)

Because of who He is and what He has done on our behalf, Christ has become all of these and much, much more for the church. These are not just functions that Jesus performs, they are His character, His very make up.

I can run to Christ not because He provides a strong tower, but because He is one. I can trust Him not because He gives wonderful counsel, but because being a Wonderful Counselor is His very character … it’s who He is.

What should I become for my wife?

It is far better to actually be faithful than it is simply to refrain from extra-marital activity. It is far better to be gracious than it is simply to keep your mouth shut. Being is far better than just doing.

In order to love our wives well, we must allow God to develop our character at its deepest levels. We must allow Him to work on us, to change us, and to build us into the men he desires us to be. Then, in response to this renewing work, we must live consistently with all we profess. This is precisely what Christ did when He walked the earth. He lived in perfect harmony with what He said and professed to believe.

Many may ask, “What does this look like?” It may look the same on the outside, but the difference is as night and day on the inside. Ephesians 5:1 tells us to be imitators of God. Yet Romans 7:18 says, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.” In short, we are called to accomplish something (imitate God) that we cannot do because we lack the goodness to do it.

This is where the great provision from God comes in. Paul tells us in Galatians 5:22-23 that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” As we live according to the Spirit and not according to our own efforts and desires, we are able to actually become in our hearts and our characters what we desire to live out. And the greatest beneficiary of this transformation will be your wife.

The battle lines are drawn

In the warfare that we face as husbands, we must remember that victory is not necessarily in the major issues of life and liberty. It is in the minor issues of sliced apples and peanut butter. It is not when the crowds are amassed; it’s when you are completely alone. It is not when you are fulfilling your wife’s wishes; it’s when you are anticipating and meeting them. It is not in the size of your bank account; it’s in the willingness to lay yourself down to be sacrificed.

Loving your wife as Christ loves the church is a very high calling—one that could stop a freight train. Remember, God is the One who has called you to it. He is the One who brought you and your wife together. He is the One who has given His Spirit to help you win at your calling as a husband.

Don’t be crushed by the weight of it; but don’t settle for anything less than all of it. As you embrace your calling, your wife will feel the difference. And you will feel the smile of your Savior.

A number of years ago a Christian leader spent years building an effective ministry. On the surface, it appeared that this man’s ministry was overwhelmingly successful. Unfortunately, this man sought to “win the world” and neglected his wife and family. Here are the chilling words of his adult daughter:

Daddy was torn. He loved Mother and truly looked forward to the arrival of this child. But he carried a great weight of responsibility, and he had been caught up long ago in what I have heard Dr. Jack Hayford describe as “the evangelical syndrome” – the misconception that a man can serve God to the fullest only if he is willing to put ministry before family. How many times I heard Daddy quote Luke 14:26, “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children . . . he cannot be my disciple.” Daddy understood that Scripture to mean that he was obliged to put his ministry and the needs of the world before his own family. He used to say, “I’ve made an agreement with God that I’ll take care of His helpless little lambs overseas if he’ll take care of mine at home.” It surely sounded sensible enough, and Daddy sincerely believed it was right. Unfortunately, future events would prove that this was Daddy’s agreement, not God’s.

Years later that man’s family was shredded by a divorce and a suicide. That family felt abandoned by a leader who had apparently lost sight of God’s will for his life: to sacrificially serve, love, and lead his wife and family.

Today, this man’s legacy is tarnished by his failure at home. The question for you and me is: What will our legacy be?

Will you live for the next generation by becoming the sacrificial lover and the servant-leader of your family? If that is your desire, here are 10 ways you can leave a godly legacy in your family.

1: Fulfill your marriage covenant. Because the church has given up much of its influence over the family, divorce has become common in many congregations around the world. As a result many nations in the west suffer from a “culture of divorce.” Your family will never be stronger than the covenant that established it. Your marriage covenant is what sets your relationship with your wife and children apart from the 6 billion people on earth. It provides the safety and security for selfish and sinful humans to establish a family.

2: Pray daily with your wife. Early in our marriage, my wife, Barbara, and I started the habit of praying together before we would go to sleep. If there is one simple ritual I would urge couples to begin adopting in their marriages, it is this one-the habit of praying together every day.

For us, this habit of acknowledging God’s presence in our lives and marriage has, I believe, saved us from many nights of isolation. Daily prayer keeps us from building walls between each other. And it builds bridges across chasms that may have widened between us during the day.

3: Embrace suffering together as a couple. For many years Barbara suffered from a heart condition that sometimes took her heart rate to over 300 beats per minute. She nearly died on four different occasions. In addition, we’ve experienced various difficulties in raising our six children. There have been times in our marriage when all we had was our commitment to God and to one another.

That’s why it’s so important that a husband and wife “bear one another’s burdens.” We must be standing together looking to God to sustain and guide us.

4: Keep romance alive in your marriage. Nowhere in marriage are the differences between men and women more evident than when it comes to romance. Women generally spell romance: “relationship.” Men spell it a different way: “Sex.” A man’s focus is physical and a woman’s focus is relational. That’s why we as men need to learn how to communicate with our wives in a language that communicates love to them.

What would communicate love to your wife? A love letter? Then write one. A hug and a kiss that says I love you? Or helping her at home with the children and household duties? One thing is certain: Romance needs to be cultivated if it is going to grow in marriage.

5: Use words to edify your spouse. Proverbs 18:21 warns us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” James 3:8 tells us, “But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.” Do you build your wife up or tear her down with your words?

Do you praise her for what she does right or find fault with her shortcomings? Are you abusing your wife with your words or are you ministering forgiveness, grace, and mercy in speaking with her?

6: Become a student of your wife’s needs or fears and establish a plan of action to meet them. I’ve got an assignment for you: When you go home, take your wife out on a date or a retreat. I want to encourage you to ask these questions that a friend of mine with a very busy ministry asks his wife every year:

What can I do to help you feel more loved, honored, and cherished?
What can I do to illustrate the fact that I respect you, your ideas, and your role as my wife?
What can I do to assure you that I hear and understand your heart’s desires?
What can I do to ensure that you have confidence and joy in our future direction?
What attribute or practice would you like to see me improve or develop?
What attribute would you most like to develop in yourself?
What would indicate to you my desire to be more like Christ?
What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish together?

My friend takes notes as his wife talks, then writes out a clear statement of his intentions in response to each of these issues and signs a pledge. I can promise you-his wife feels loved and cared for.

7: Take the initiative to resolve conflicts. There’s a reason why the Scripture admonishes us, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” God knows that if we allow issues to remain unresolved in our marriages then that gives the enemy an opportunity to divide us.

Is there any unresolved conflict in your marriage right now? Are you harboring any bitterness toward your spouse? Take the initiative to resolve this issue in a way that would honor Christ.

8: Pursue a relationship with each of your children. Rules without relationships make children angry. That’s why the Apostle Paul admonishes fathers in Ephesians 6:4, “And, fathers do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

If our children are to receive our “discipline and instruction,” we need to build and maintain a relationship with them.

9: Be a good shepherd. Psalm 78:72 says, “So he shepherded them according to the integrity of his heart, And guided them with his skillful hands.”

A good shepherd is one who has integrity of heart. Are you a man of integrity? Do you do what you say you’re going to do? Are you the same man in public that you are in private?

A good shepherd is also one who has skillful hands-he knows the sheep and their needs. A good shepherd knows his sheep and he doesn’t lead any faster than the sheep can follow.

Another responsibility for a shepherd is to protect his sheep from predators. In the same way, we need to protect our families today. For example, guard your children from the major negative influencers in their lives: media and peers. Know what they are watching (pornography on the internet? Movies full of sex and violence?) and who they are spending time with. As 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, “Bad company corrupts good morals.”

10: Call your children to a spiritual mission of what God wants to do with their lives.

Our assignment as parents is to impart not just our knowledge of God, but to give them a vision for their world. Do this by praying for your children. Pray that God’s plan and will for their lives will be fulfilled in your offspring.

Give them a vision for the world by making them a part of your ministry. Share stories of how God is at work when you come home to your family. Take them with you on trips and give them a responsibility in your ministry.

You and I are a part of a generational relay race in which we must make a good handoff to the next generation.

Psalm 112:1-3 declares, “Praise the Lord! How blessed is the man who fears the Lord. Who greatly delights in His commandments. His descendants will be mighty on earth; the generation of the upright will be blessed. Wealth and riches are in his house, and his righteousness endures forever.”

Remember, your marriage and family are the headwaters of your legacy. Your legacy begins at home. What occurs downstream in your ministry will only be as deep as the source at home.

Copyright ©2000 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved. This article is adapted from a message Dennis presented at Amsterdam 2000, a conference organized by the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association to train overseas evangelists

“Men want to fix everything,” one woman told her group. “I just want him to hold me and tell me he still loves me.”

Her sentiments ring true for many women. There is no easy fix for every problem that vexes the menopausal woman.

While some things can be done to alleviate some physical symptoms, it’s the emotional effects that have women—and men—so bewildered. Combine these two—the physical changes and the emotional ups and downs—and you have a situation that can frustrate a marriage and challenge a woman’s identity as a sexual being.

For married women, the comments below will resonate. Further on, we’ll see how the mental transition from the childbearing age to the grandchildren-rearing stage does not change—but rather enhances—femininity.

More than having their menopause problems “fixed,” women want to know that their husbands will stay connected to them, or begin connecting with them, and walk through this stage of life together.

“Don’t give a lot of advice,” another woman responded when asked about what she tells her husband she needs. “I want to be able to say how I feel—without feeling like I have to take his advice.”

This woman may sound ungrateful, but she is only frustrated. Like so many husbands, her man wants to help. Yet his attempts to fix her only frustrate her.

It is difficult for men to accept that they can do nothing to make menopausal symptoms go away. There are, however, many ways husbands can provide the one thing these women truly need: support. And that support will be awfully hard to offer if they don’t accept certain rules of encountering menopause moments.

Be assured that emotional symptoms are (usually) caused by physiological changes, not by husbands. One woman said, “My husband never knows exactly what he’ll find when he gets home from work. Some days I’m my normal self, which is pretty calm. Other days, I am off the wall. I am agitated and tearful. He comes in, and I just light right into him. I don’t mean to take my frustration out on him, but I do.”

The women I interviewed agreed that husbands should be assured that they are rarely the true cause of emotional outbursts, but they may often be the recipients. Now that’s a tall order: asking men to bear the brunt of fluctuating emotions—without taking it personally. But if they don’t, they may be hurt in ways their wives never intended.

Steve and I talked about how to get through the times I felt like an emotional basket case. He tried not to be detached, but rather to verbalize that he was sorry I felt bad and that he was there for me. I would do my best to remember that he didn’t cause my feelings and that this trying time would pass. He didn’t pressure me to change; and most importantly, I allowed myself some time alone to regain my composure.

Of course, couples can have interpersonal problems that cause emotional distress completely unrelated to menopause. There may be stress over adjusting to issues such as children leaving home, caring for elderly parents, finances, and retirement. These issues need to be addressed with reference to whatever is the root cause of the problem—communication, self-worth, and more.

Don’t make fun of menopausal women. Women don’t want to be the object of jokes. A sense of humor is fine, but jokes or remarks about being old or menopausal won’t build relationships—especially when these comments are made in front of other people. Most couples are able to laugh together privately about some of the strange behaviors women demonstrate, but only after the symptoms causing the behavior have passed. Steve and I would often joke about my forgetfulness, but this occurred privately, not while I was frantically looking for a vanished item.

Validate that symptoms are real. In the same way that women don’t want their suffering to be mocked or minimized through jokes, they do want their feelings validated. They don’t want to be dismissed as hysterical or suffering from some imaginary dysfunction. They don’t want to be told that their symptoms are cases of mind over matter—change your mind and the matter will change.

Husbands can communicate their support by being willing to read a book or an article that explains menopause. They don’t need to be experts, but their interest is very encouraging.

Support new interests. Many women are venturing out into new territory during the mid-life years. A woman may go back to work for the first time in years. She may go back to school or pick up an old interest with new enthusiasm. It is wonderful to be asked about any new area with sincere interest. These conversations are not unlike dinner conversations where men talk about their time at work. A woman is deeply encouraged when her husband remembers and is willing to spend time talking about her interests.

These newfound interests may also require that her husband make some accommodations. If she’s the family chef, he may forego a home-cooked meal for take-out if she has a class. He may delay purchasing a new power tool to buy her a sewing machine or other hobby tools. Whatever the sacrifice, she’ll appreciate his endorsement as she transitions to this new season.

Remain faithful. There are too many stories of men who have mid-life crises and decide to leave their wives. This term is often used to explain why men become involved with younger women. Unfortunately, a man’s mid-life crisis often coincides with a woman’s menopause.

An article in Woman’s Day quoted a rise in the percentage of divorces after the age of fifty-five due, in part, to this very reason:

They enter their golden years and their husband walks out the door, often for a younger woman. That’s what’s happening to an increasing number of women in their fifties and sixties these days. While divorce among younger people seems to be leveling off, there’s a worrisome rise in marriage breakups among the over-fifty-five crowd—up 22 percent in the last decade and expected to climb.

As these women grapple with feelings of low self-esteem and inadequacy, their husbands wrestle with their own feelings of inadequacy. Most women I interviewed whose husbands had extra-marital affairs said privately that they were unaware of how their husbands felt until it was too late. The affairs had already occurred as their husbands sought to have their needs met superficially in relationships with other women.

Mid-life can be a rough time for both men and women, but a solid commitment to weather the storms together will help solve problems. Unfaithfulness by either men or women will only create many more painful problems.

Ask questions, really listen, and respond. Women want their husbands to talk to them. They want their husbands to risk asking them how they feel. Husbands might encounter differing responses to that question—emotional reactions, withdrawal, confusion, appreciative answers—but, whatever the response, most women appreciate interest in how they feel.

“My problem,” Marie said, “is that my husband will ask me how I feel, then he won’t really listen to what I say. He asks me as he is walking into the other room, or glancing at the paper, or shuffling through the mail. So I answer and that is the end of the conversation. His question was not sincere.”

A helpful sequence goes like this: Ask, listen, respond. Husbands who say they don’t know how to respond should simply confess, “I don’t know what to say, but I want to try to understand.”

Women want to know they are cared for and cared about. They want to know that their husbands think about them. For women, that means discussing the aging processes relevant to themselves and their husbands.

“Once upon a time, men wore the pants, and wore them well. Women rarely had to open doors and little old ladies never had to cross the street alone. Men took charge because that’s what they did. But somewhere along the way, the world decided it no longer needed men. Disco by disco, latte by foamy non-fat latte, men were stripped of their khakis and left stranded on the road between boyhood and androgyny. But today there are questions our genderless society has no answers for. The world sits idly by as cities crumble, children misbehave and those little old ladies remain on one side of the street. For the first time since bad guys, we need heroes. We need grown ups. We need men to put down the plastic fork, step away from the salad bar, and untie the world from the tracks of complacency. It’s time to get your hands dirty. It’s time to answer the call of manhood. It’s time to wear the pants.”

–From an advertisement for Dockers jeans

Initiative is the essence of manhood. Nothing comes to the man who is passive, except failure.

Men are not meant to be spectators. Real men accept responsibility rather than making excuses and look for solutions instead of casting blame.

Why is it that some men initiate great tasks and conquer overwhelming obstacles at work and remain so passive in relationships or in leading at home? It’s like it’s a disease that infects the male species.

Over the years I’ve done a little inventory of my own life; I’ve listed some of my own lame excuses for why I haven’t initiated.

Excuse #1: ‘Taking the initiative is hard work and I’m tired.’

I hate to admit this, but pure selfishness is the cause of most of my passivity. In years past, after solving problems at work I just wanted to vegetate, watch television, and not get involved with the smaller issues such as cleaning up the kitchen, helping with homework, or putting the kids to bed. And I certainly didn’t want to deal with the bigger issues such as repairing a breach in my relationship with my wife or addressing a disciplinary issue with a child.

On multiple occasions, I pried myself out of my easy chair and into situations that I would rather have ignored. Being a man involves pain. Initiative demands sacrifice and self-denial.

Excuse #2: ‘I don’t know how to initiate.’

When I was single, developing a relationship with a woman felt risky. The learning curve was steep. Later, as a husband, at times I found it easy to abdicate leadership to my wife. As a dad I knew I needed to develop a relationship with my daughters and take them on dates, but what are we supposed to talk about? Other responsibilities, like having a “birds and bees” conversation with my children, were awkward and easy to rationalize putting off until sometime in the future.

Excuse #3: ‘Taking the initiative means I might fail.’

It may mean I’ve already failed and it’s easier not to risk failing again. Whether it was asking a young lady out on a date when I was single, or leading my wife in planning, discussing the family budget, hammering out boundaries and discipline for the children, or just the basics of leading my family, I found that the fear of failure created a huge gravitational pull toward passivity.

But real men take action. And when they do, great things can happen. Just ask my friend Tom.

The 10 questions

For many years, Tom Elliff and his wife, Jeannie, have taken time away from their normal routines to get away and be together. They read Scripture together, they pray, and have a wonderful time talking about their lives.

One year Tom decided to elevate the discussion and, in the process, open himself up in a way few husbands ever do. He developed his list of questions over a few months, basing them on issues he knew were of concern to Jeannie, and then sprung them on her during a retreat in the Rockies.

Here’s the list:

What could I do to make you feel more loved?
What could I do to make you feel more respected?
What could I do to make you feel more understood?
What could I do to make you more secure?
What can I do to make you feel more confident in our future direction?
What attribute would you like me to develop?
What attribute would you like me to help you develop?
What achievement in my life would bring you greatest joy?
What would indicate to you that I really desire to be more Christlike?
What mutual goal would you like to see us accomplish?

You’re probably thinking, There is absolutely, positively, no way I’m ever going to ask my wife questions like that.

That type of vulnerability takes courage.

‘I was almost blown away’

When I interviewed Tom and Jeannie on my radio program, FamilyLife Today®, I asked her how those questions made her feel. Jeannie replied that the first thing that crossed her mind was a sense of tremendous honor that her husband wanted to know how she felt about important issues in their lives. “I was almost blown away,” she recalled. “It was wonderful.”

Tom reviewed these same 10 questions with Jeannie many times since that first breakfast. When Tom told me about this experience, I couldn’t help but think it was a perfect illustration of 1 Peter 3:7, which instructs husbands,

You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life …

Asking these questions, and actually listening to the answers, helps a husband understand his wife’s heart. It connects a husband and wife to each other in a deeper way, and makes them accountable to each other.

This is the type of love, understanding, and leadership we are called to as men.

Spiritual initiative—the most frightening of all

Over the years I’ve challenged men to take the initiative and improve their marriages in another way. This action requires bedrock courage.

No, it’s not initiating sex. By comparison, that’s risky indeed, but nowhere nearly as challenging as … praying daily with your wife.

Now some men already are praying daily with their wives. But I’ve seen that look of hesitation and even fear in the eyes of many men when I’ve given them this challenge. It’s way out of their comfort zone.

I am not certain that Barbara and I would still be married had it not been for this spiritual discipline of experiencing God together in our marriage. It has kept us from building walls in our marriage, it has forced us to forgive one another, and it has kept us focused in the same direction.

Their relationship was transformed

A businessman who works for a well-known corporation took my challenge a number of years ago. He and his wife had been married for years and had two children. At the time, he was experiencing some difficulties in his marriage—he was angry over the lack of time they spent together, both relationally and physically; he had begun drinking (again) and they had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for two years.

They were not considering divorce and remained committed to the marriage, but, in his words, “We were both on different pages, spiritually and mentally. She wanted to have Bible studies together and pray, but I was not willing, due to my inner anger at her.”

A few years later, my path crossed his again, and he wrote me that when he took the initiative to pray daily with his wife, their relationship was transformed.

Quickly the level of anger subsided. Each night our prayers became easier and meant more. We quickly seemed to move onto the same page, our attitude toward each other changed, and we began liking each other again.

We also saw changes in our parenting as we started talking more and having in-depth conversations. Over the last few years, our conversations have turned to deep meaningful reviews of our lives and the mistakes we’ve made. We share hurts, frustrations, and worries. We both seem to want to help each other and support the other in times of need.

As we learned to love and respect each other, our sex life has grown into a beautiful expression of our love and is more satisfying than ever. Our walk with God has grown deeper, individually and as a couple. Our lives seem to be connected on a spiritual level as never before. As with any marriage, problems still arise, but now we feel equipped to deal with the issues in a positive way.

Just try it

Can you imagine what would happen in your marriage, in your family, if you showed that type of initiative and courage?

My encouragement is to try it. If you miss a day, then pick up again tomorrow and pray together. My experience is that the men who initiate prayer with their wives have a dramatically different relationship with them in less than two years.

“Hey man, you’re late. Anything wrong?” Sweat dripped off Alex after fifteen minutes on the treadmill.

“Dude, you wouldn’t believe it. But then, you’re married, so maybe you will.” Don stepped onto the adjoining treadmill and started running.

“I got home from work today and grabbed my gym clothes like I do every Tuesday. Shontell seemed distant, like she’d had another bad day at work. Her boss has been putting a lot of pressure on her to finish that condominium project, and I’m kinda concerned. The baby’s due date is still four months away, but I just don’t want her to feel any unnecessary stress.

“So I go up to her, give her a hug, and ask if anything’s wrong.’ No, I’m fine, just fine.’ So I told her she could talk to me; I’m her husband. Know what I heard? ‘Go. Just go. You’re late for your workout with Alex.’

“So I went! But I know I’m going to hear it when I get back. I don’t have a clue if it’s something wrong at work, or if I did something, but I know it’s not over yet.”

“Man, why can’t women just come out and say what they mean? Danielle does the same thing. We had our tenth anniversary a few weeks back, remember? So a few weeks ahead, I asked her what she’d like to make it special. I’d saved up some extra money just to do it right. She said, ‘Just surprise me! The greatest gift is our marriage.’

“I remember I’d heard her talking to a friend about this bed and breakfast inn down the coast. A little pricey, but nice. So I made the reservations, let her know the kind of clothes to bring, and surprised her. She said all the right things, how nice it was, how I surprised her, but her heart didn’t seem to be in it.

“I asked her what was wrong, and she kept saying, ‘Nothing.’ Finally, the last day there, she told me she really had her heart set on a new wedding ring. How was I supposed to know that? She’s never said anything about a new ring. Man, I can’t figure out women. They just don’t say what they mean. They hint, and they want you to read their mind. Then you try to, and you get crucified. Why can’t they just tell us straight?”

The lie

Wives typically use indirect forms of communication. They give hints, they speak abstractly, and then they expect their husbands to know what they mean. Without ever intending to lie, they don’t express the full truth. At times, they communicate so indirectly that their husbands can’t come close to perceiving the real message.

When faced with indirect communication, husbands often feel like a one-legged man in a football kicking contest. They just don’t have what it takes. They much prefer dealing with facts, logic, and problem solving.

They notice that something is wrong. That realization may come from receiving the silent treatment, getting some indirect messages, or just picking up the mood of their wife. They’d like to resolve the problem, so they ask about it, and get messages so indirect that they can’t interpret their meaning.

When people get what they see as an incomplete message, they try to fill in the blanks. Husbands, with their strong problem-resolution skills, will often explore various possible meanings. But if the indirect message doesn’t have enough clues to give them an accurate picture, they can’t succeed.

Living the truth

Neither indirect nor direct communication is intrinsically right or wrong. Rather, each serves a particular purpose. Foundationally, though, wives make a mistake when they choose indirect messages that give a misleading impression, or that fail to accurately convey the intended meaning. Let’s explore several factors that can help you live in the truth and communicate more directly.

Understand God’s communication pattern. As Christians, we want to follow the example of God, who highly values communication. He communicated what he expected from his people by prophets. The Bible even calls his only Son “the Word.”

God communicated with a clear statement of what he desired. Then, when the people either didn’t understand it or willfully violated it, he restated it. He communicated directly and clearly so his people would know just what he wanted and expected. Should his children do any less in their marriages? We encourage couples to commit to direct and clear communication between themselves to avoid the possibility of misunderstanding. God has set the example for his children to follow.

Create a safe zone. Husband, creating a communication “safe zone” is your job. Yes, you get frustrated and upset at indirect conversation. But some of your irritation results from your own response when your wife tries to communicate with you.

You can create a safe zone in several ways:

Choose honesty over defending yourself.
Don’t respond with an attack on your wife.
Don’t even think about verbal or physical abuse.
Draw out your wife with active listening.

Let your wife know that you truly want to hear what she has to say, and when she sees that you’ve established a safe zone, you should see an increase in the clarity of your communication with one another.

Share the power of a common language. We encourage couples to use a common language, one the other can clearly recognize and understand. Wife, this primarily depends on you. Being female, you probably have more communication skills than your husband, so follow the principle set forth by the apostle Paul in Romans 15:1-2: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.”

Make an extra effort to speak so your husband can understand you. You can speak his direct language much easier than he can understand your indirect language. Speaking a common language will allow you both to follow the next principle.

Speak the full truth … in love. When you create a safe zone, recognize the dangers of indirect communication, and commit to speaking a common language, then you can risk speaking the full truth. That’s biblical. As we have seen, in Ephesians 4:15, 25 the apostle Paul encouraged us: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. … Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.”

You don’t have to tell everybody everything to be truthful! If you’re still in the process of working through your thoughts and emotions, don’t say, “Nothing’s wrong; I’m just fine.” You’re not fine, so be honest with yourself and your spouse. Say that you are dealing with a situation you can’t talk about right now, but that you will do so as soon as you have sorted it out. That’s truth.

Adapted from Twelve Lies Wives Tell Their Husbands by Tim and Sheila Riter. © 2005 by Tim & Sheila Riter. Used by permission. To order, www.cookministries.com. May not be further reproduced. All rights reserved.

Sigh … I’ve done it again. My wife had been running a little behind our intended schedule. Rather than waiting patiently (or maybe actually stepping in to help) I did what I do so well: I pontificated, this time speculating aloud about how many total minutes of our lives she had wasted in delays.

My calculations didn’t impress her, but the soul-crushing impact of my words was obvious on her face. Very smooth, Dave, I realized too late, very constructive.

You’d think a pastor, someone called to think and speak in thoughtful, helpful, biblical ways, would have found something better to say at that moment. But despite my arrogant, sinful words, Kimm was able once again to cover over with love and patiently help me see what was wrong with them.

While I’m immensely grateful for Kimm’s gracious, forgiving spirit, still the question lingers: Why aren’t I more loving? After all, we have been married for more than two decades. I have been in ministry most of that time, I’ve read lots of marriage books, conducted numerous marriage seminars, and I really think Kimm is a gift from God to me. If I love my wife, why do I find it so easy to treat her like I don’t?

Guys, you know the kind of thing I’m talking about. You’ve planned a romantic evening, complete with her favorite restaurant. But then she says something, or you say something, or the waiter says something, and in the space of about two minutes a whole different kind of memory is created.

Ladies, he tells you he’ll be home by 9:00 p.m. and walks in at 10:45. “Sorry hon, the meeting ran over.” No notification, no phone call, no real apology, and no consideration for your worry.

Paul’s confession and ours

It’s the underside of marriage, the reality of living with someone day in and day out in a fallen world. But what does it reveal? What does it indicate when I see my rottenness?

Well, guess what? If sin is a persistent problem for us, we’re in pretty good company. As bad as we can be, the Apostle Paul seems to think he’s even worse. Maybe we can learn something from him.

Paul wrote to Timothy, “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost” (1 Timothy 1:15). Pretty stark, isn’t it? Not a lot of wiggle room there. Paul leads off by calling this a “saying [that] is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance.” That’s the ancient equivalent of putting the little exclamation mark on an email you send—this is of high priority!

His “saying” has two parts. “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners …” This catapults us to the heart of the glorious gospel, and prepares us for part two: “. . . of whom I am the foremost.” Now what are we supposed to do with that? How can the apostle to the Gentiles—the original theologian of the Christian faith—honestly say this? To whom is he comparing himself? And what standard is he applying?

These are important questions. We dare not dismiss Paul’s statement as a passing exaggeration or an empty exercise in false humility. This is the Word of God, and a profound point is being made here.

A student of his heart

First, it’s clear that Paul is not trying to objectively compare himself to every other human being, because most of them he had never met! This tells us that his focus is not primarily outward. It’s inward. He’s also not suggesting that his moral character is bankrupt or his spiritual maturity is zero. He is simply talking about what goes on in his own heart.

He is saying, in effect, “Look, I know my sin. And what I’ve seen in my own heart is darker and more awful; it’s more proud, selfish, and self-exalting; and it’s more consistently and regularly in rebellion against God than anything I have glimpsed in the heart of anyone else. As far as I can see, the biggest sinner I know is me.”

Paul was a student of his heart. He paid attention to the desires and impulses that churned within. And I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that he knew he was capable—given the right circumstances—of the worst of sins and the vilest of motives. Paul was a realist. He wanted to see God and himself truly. No hiding behind a facade of pleasantness or religiosity for him. As Henry Scougal comments on this verse, “None can think more meanly of [Paul] than he doth of himself.”

God’s mercy

Now let’s look at the very next verse. “But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life” (1 Timothy 1:16).

With the passing of each day, two things grew larger for Paul: his sinfulness in light of the holiness of God, and God’s mercy in the face of his sin. Knowing both God and himself accurately was not at all discouraging or depressing. Rather, it deepened his gratitude for the vastness of God’s mercy in redeeming him, and the patience of Christ in continuing to love and identify with him in his daily struggle against sin.

Paul’s confession to Timothy presents us with a stunning example of moral honesty and theological maturity: Paul’s acute, even painful awareness of his own sinfulness caused him to magnify the glory of the Savior!

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My goal was far from noble

Several years ago I became aware of a subtle, destructive habit. Whenever I sensed I had sinned against Kimm I would go to her, confess, and seek to resolve the situation. Looks pretty good when I put it that way, doesn’t it?

But I came to realize that my goal was far from noble. I wanted a quick and efficient restoration of our relationship so I could stop feeling bad and get on with “more important things.” In other words, the confession was basically a tool I was employing for my own sake. No wonder, then, that I was often left with a shallow, haunting feeling that I now believe was the kind prompting of the Holy Spirit.

After a time of prayer, I recognized that God had been surprisingly forgotten in my words of apology to Kimm. I saw that I had been almost completely unconcerned with the fact that my sin had been first against God, and that I stood guilty before His infinite holiness. I had regarded my sins as errors, or at worst, as “little sins” that required little consideration of my heart. My real goal was simply a kind of marital damage control, not an honest accounting before my Heavenly Father. But by God’s grace I began to see, as J. I. Packer says so well, “There can be no small sins against a great God.”

The grace of God at work

The question that used to boggle my mind, “If I love my wife, why do I find it so easy to treat her like I don’t?” has a universal answer. We are all the worst of sinners, so anything we do that isn’t sin is simply the grace of God at work.

A hidden gift comes as we see ourselves as the worst of sinners: humility—a pride-crushing, vision-clearing humility. The road of humility is open to all husbands and wives who are willing to give “a due consideration” to who they truly are, in and of themselves, before a holy God.

I want to walk that road.

As a new bride, I knew that many aspects about my marriage to Dennis would be different from what I expected, but I’ve still been surprised by this truth: Even after more than 40 years together, our need to forgive each other is as fresh as it was on our wedding day. You’d think we would have learned not to say unkind things, not to hurt each other, not to take each other for granted. But we are imperfect human beings who don’t love each other as well as we wish.

As Henri Nouwen wrote, “Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly.” And because we love poorly, we must forgive frequently.

Sometimes I wish that wasn’t the case–that we would outgrow the need to forgive each other frequently. But then I remember that this is what Christianity is all about: a loving and compassionate God pursuing His stubborn, sinful creation. He demonstrated this love by sending His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us while we were still sinners (see Romans 5:8). He forgave us and made it possible for us to enjoy fellowship with Him. And He calls us to forgive each other as He has forgiven us (see Ephesians 4:32). That’s why marriage is a reflection of the gospel, a picture of Christ’s relationship with the church.

Christianity, then, is all about forgiveness. And a great marriage is, in the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “the union of two good forgivers.” Two imperfect people living together will need to forgive each other multiple times–maybe even each day. And by the way, If you add children to the family, the need for forgiveness will be compounded because of the increased number of sinful people who are living under one roof!

One of my favorite stories about forgiveness is that of Joseph in the Old Testament. He was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers, who told their father that he had been killed by a wild animal. Joseph was taken on to Egypt where he was sold again, this time to an officer in the army. Later he was unfairly sent to prison for something he did not do. But instead of being angry, Joseph believed God was with him. He believed God was to be trusted, feared, and obeyed.

Eventually, through God’s providence, Joseph rose to a position of great power and influence. Fast forward another 12 years, and Joseph was busy meeting with people from all over world who had come to request food to survive a severe famine. And who showed up begging for food? His brothers.

Joseph could have used his power to seek revenge on his brothers, and who would have blamed him? Instead he forgave them and told them, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:19-20).

Joseph’s story illustrates the truth that forgiveness means giving up the right to punish the person who sins against you. Often it may feel as if you are going against everything inside you–your desire for justice, for revenge. But it is grace in action–giving the person something he or she doesn’t deserve.

Perhaps that’s why forgiveness will feel more reasonable, and perhaps a bit easier, if you remember the grace of God in your own life. The power of forgiveness lies in its ability to replay God’s forgiveness over and over. Forgiveness announces the gospel and its unparalleled healing power to a broken world.

In the end, forgiveness means cooperating with God’s plan. Joseph recognized that God had directed His life for His own purposes: God had taken an unspeakably cruel act that Joseph’s brothers had meant for evil and, ultimately, had used it to save the Jewish people.

In a similar manner, you must cooperate with God’s plan for the intimate relationship you share in marriage. Your spouse may hurt you more deeply than any other person ever has. Yet if God forgives you daily, how can you not do the same?

A healthy sexual relationship is a vital component of a healthy marriage. But I believe a negative attitude about sex wages war against Christian marriages. It is a means of dividing couples in the most intimate way possible and is a quiet but deadly attack on Christian marriages. Any woman who has intimacy issues with her husband must know that it is an attack on her most precious earthly relationship. And Satan attacks this private area because he knows it is such a delicate subject matter—we won’t openly talk about it.

In my book SOS: Sick of Sex, I plead with women to believe God’s truth about sexual intimacy. One problem afflicts those who were involved in premarital sex with their husbands. Even after years of marriage, and even after understanding God’s forgiveness, they still feel a great deal of guilt and shame when it comes to sexual intimacy.

I’ve learned that this unresolved issue regarding premarital sex is penetrating the hearts of many husbands as well. For example, recently I traveled to FamilyLife’s headquarters for an interview on the FamilyLife Today® radio program. After we were finished, a FamilyLife staff member who had listened to the interview approached me and said one of the subjects we had discussed during the interview had struck a chord with him. “My wife and I were sexually active prior to marriage,” he told me. “We have talked about it before, and I even asked her for forgiveness. But now I know why I need her forgiveness.”

His statement reminded me of a story from my book. A woman who was sexually active with her husband before marriage told me, “He was the leader in the relationship before we got married, and he knew sex was wrong. Yet he continued to have sex with me.” Now that they were married, she could not overcome the switch—that sex was wrong before, but now it was right in the context of marriage—and she was surprised at how her husband made the change so quickly. She still lives with the sin of that premature, inappropriate relationship every time he touches her.

I talk about sexual intimacy with a lot of women and they are still wondering, Did my husband marry me because we were sexually involved? or, How can we say anything to our own children about premarital sex without feeling like hypocrites? and My husband has continued on like this does not affect him. But it surely does affect me.

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Men, this is what wives are saying. And I’ve discovered that they are hanging on to this issue because there has been no repentance or resolution. If you have not apologized for being a self-centered leader in the relationship prior to marriage, and as a result you were involved sexually, it is time to get it resolved.

Recently I talked with another friend about this same issue and she told me, “My husband and I were talking about this last night!” They had been sexually involved before marriage, and she had felt guilty ever since—for 28 years. In their discussion, they finally talked about their sin and their need to repent before God. And now she felt free of a burden that had weighed on her for decades.

Your wife needs to know that you understand that your physical involvement with her, prior to marriage was a breach of trust. She needs to understand that you are sorry for putting her in that position and that, with God’s help, she can trust that you will be the spiritual leader God has called you to be in your life and hers.

Mostly, she needs you to apply the words of James 5:16 in your life: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” She needs to hear that you also have strong feelings of regret and remorse. Then she can move, with you, past the guilt and shame.

John Betar and Ann Shawah grew up across the street from each other in Bridgeport, Connecticut. They fell in love, but her father had arranged for her to be married to a man 20 years her senior. So John and Ann eloped.

That was in 1932. John and Ann recently celebrated their 81^st anniversary, and they still laugh about the gloomy predictions from relatives over their marriage prospects.

“Everyone was hopping mad, and my wife’s aunt consoled my father-in-law by telling him not to worry, the marriage won’t last,” John says.

According to Worldwide Marriage Encounter, they are the longest-married couple in America. “God seems to have been with us,” Ann says.

Naturally they are often asked, “What’s your secret?”

They talk about unconditional love, compromise, working through conflict. “Marriage isn’t a lovey-dovey thing, you know, for 80 years,” Ann says. “You learn to accept one another’s ways of life, agreements, disagreements—disagreements on our children, preparation on bringing up your kids. That was the main interest—your children.”

And of course good health plays a big part—he’s 102, she’s 98, and they’re still living on their own. (The photo at right is from John’s 100^th birthday two years ago.)

They’ve seen their share of hardship, living through the Great Depression, World War II, and two hurricanes (including Hurricane Sandy in 2012, which flooded the cellar of their beachfront home). They’ve also lost two children. “The worst thing that can happen to two people is to lose a child, whether they’re 2 years old or 60 … and that’s been the hardest thing to face,” Ann says.

“You see too much when you live too long,” John adds.

One of their children, Renee, says, “They have this wonderful ability to accept life as it comes. They have a way of trying to look around at the things that they do have—the family and the blessings. They came from a generation where there is such respect for each other and caring.”

John and Ann say they are fortunate to live to see their family grow larger and larger—they have 14 grandchildren and 16 great-grandchildren. “That’s what makes life what it is,” Ann says. “We were fortunate enough to live long enough to see this … and it’s really one of the most gratifying things in the world to see your great-grandchildren, to see your grandchildren become adults.”

And I liked a quote from Heather Mitchell, one of their granddaughters: “I’m always blown away by their incredible optimism, deep sense of compassion, and modesty. They are true beacons—inspirational people who emit such joy without even knowing it.”

You can accomplish a lot of things in life, but to hear a grandchild say something like this? That’s hard to beat.

© Copyright FamilyLife 2013.

That was in 1932. John and Ann recently celebrated their 81^st anniversary, and they still laugh about the gloomy predictions from relatives over their marriage prospects.

“Everyone was hopping mad, and my wife’s aunt consoled my father-in-law by telling him not to worry, the marriage won’t last,” John says.

According to Worldwide Marriage Encounter, they are the longest-married couple in America. “God seems to have been with us,” Ann says.

Naturally they are often asked, “What’s your secret?”

They talk about unconditional love, compromise, working through conflict. “Marriage isn’t a lovey-dovey thing, you know, for 80 years,” Ann says. “You learn to accept one another’s ways of life, agreements, disagreements–disagreements on our children, preparation on bringing up your kids. That was the main interest–your children.” Marriage Memo

And of course good health plays a big part—he’s 102, she’s 98, and they’re still living on their own. (The photo at right is from John’s 100^th birthday two years ago.)

“You see too much when you live too long,” John adds.

You can accomplish a lot of things in life, but to hear a grandchild say something like this? That’s hard to beat.

There’s no doubt about it—for many people, life seems to revolve around the smartphone. It’s their connection to friends and family. It’s their source of information and entertainment and distraction. It’s what they use to read and listen and watch. It’s their phone, their camera, their map, their appointment calendar, their address and phone book, their television and radio and newspaper, their e-reader, and even their flashlight.

I’ve written before about the challenges this growing smartphone dependency poses to marriage and family relationships. But there are also many opportunities to communicate with each other in creative ways. For example, I enjoy using the smartphone to take photos when my family gathers in Arkansas and sending them to my parents and sister in Oregon.

FamilyLife now offers a free smartphone app that helps you connect creatively with your spouse and family. It’s called “My FamilyLife” and can be downloaded through the App Store or Google Play.

My FamilyLife offers access to the most recent episodes of FamilyLife Today® radio broadcasts, plus a collection of articles and feeds to marriage devotions. But the app aspires to be much more—a tool that couples can use to improve communication and cultivate their marriage relationship. Some of the programs with the My FamilyLife app include:

Sparks: short-term (7- to 14-day) challenges for helping couples grow in communication, conflict resolution, romance, date nights, and more.
Daily Prayer Moments: focused guidance for effectively praying as a couple.
Relationship Check-In: weekly assessment to track how you’re feeling about specific aspects of your marriage.

One example is the “14-Day Challenge” for husbands and wives. Each day you spend about five minutes focusing on something to strengthen your marriage. On one day, for example, you’re asked, “What’s one way you could serve your wife today? Think of a chore and do it for her. (Some suggestions: vacuuming, cleaning her car, cooking dinner.) And if, for some reason, she doesn’t thank you or appreciate it, that’s okay. God sees you serving your wife and is proud of you for trying.”

It’s short and simple, but even small gestures like this can make a big difference in your relationship. On another day, you watch a short video with Dennis and Barbara Rainey about appreciating the differences between you and your spouse. After the video, you’re instructed to “write about one thing that’s different between you and your spouse. Maybe it’s a difference in personality, or gifting, or how he or she likes to be shown love … Then write a short prayer thanking God that He made your mate different than you. After that, tell your spouse you’re grateful for that difference.”

The My FamilyLife app is starting to starting to attract some encouraging reviews from married couples. One user wrote, “It’s become a daily thing for us to do something that’s going to keep our marriage working … It gives us ideas on what to do for each other and assignments and it’s something we can both look forward to doing together.”

A new addition to the My FamilyLife app is “Our Family’s Year in Review.” It helps you record significant events and experiences from 2014 in categories like “Marriage” and “Fun,” reflect on how God worked in your lives, and make some plans for 2015. Capturing these memories is a powerful way to strengthen the bond of marriage and family, and it gives parents a great opportunity to pass on a godly legacy to their children.

Our analytics show that over half of you are reading this Marriage Memo email on your smartphones. For you, My FamilyLife is a great opportunity to put the principles you learn into practice.

In a recent Marriage Memo, “Reclaiming Date Night,” Suzanne Thomas wrote of her dismay after asking FamilyLife Facebook readers about what they do for date nights with their spouses. “I expected people to respond with some creative ideas, but I was surprised at the response,” she wrote, “Nearly everyone said they have no date nights at all, or only rarely.”

Suzanne went on to offer some ideas for inexpensive dates, and then asked Marriage Memo readers to submit ideas. This time we got some more substantial responses, as well as a number of creative ideas.

Many who wrote echoed the words of one reader who said, “I think date night is vital to a marriage.” Another wrote, “If we didn’t date, I don’t know where our marriage would be.”

One husband said he liked the idea of trying date nights—he and his wife have been married six years, but he admitted he’s “been feeling in a rut for the last three so it would be nice to break out.” Others wrote of learning the hard way about the importance of regular communication—and about making God the center of their marriage:

We believe in date nights and do not miss one week. … After our first six years of marriage, ministry and children became the priorities. Dates were few and far between and with that so was our communication, which was in the toilet. Things got so bad, we planned to divorce. Some close friends of ours invited us to a married couples retreat and that weekend we repented to our Lord, to each other, and started all over again. At the retreat we were very much encouraged to have a date night a minimum of once per week and to pray together every day. We immediately did just that. To my surprise my husband declared our date nights as Friday nights. He told all the family, friends, ministry leaders, and church friends that Friday was our date night and he is committed to date night with “his bride.” That blessed me more than words can ever say.

Readers shared ideas for inexpensive dates and for finding babysitters (always a challenge, especially when children are young). A number of readers suggested setting up date nights at home, and this idea resonated with others.

I like the idea of a date night at home with special props (candles, private room, planned time, conversation focused on our relationship with each other). I will definitely propose this idea to my wife.

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I love the “date night in your home” idea! We’d go out at least once a week if we could, but with five children under the age of 9, babysitting is a real issue. We trade babysitting with another family every other week right now, so in the off week having a date at home sounds like a great option (as long as we can get the kids in bed before I fall out from exhaustion!).

Thanks for your responses—we enjoy hearing from you. And remember: A marriage will wither and die if you lose your focus on developing your relationship. As one reader said, “We almost lost our marriage years ago simply because we did not find time and space for just us.”

After Dennis Rainey’s June 10 Marriage Memo, “Establishing the ‘New Normal’ in Your Marriage,” a number of readers wrote to tell about the struggles they faced with this issue. As Dennis wrote of the “new normal” dilemma:

Each of you brings a different background and a different set of expectations into your marriage. Your family did things a certain way, and your spouse’s family did things a certain way. Often you don’t even realize what’s normal to you until you get married and suddenly your normal collides with that of your spouse.

“New normal” negotiations in marriage will occur over topics ranging from “How often should we vacuum the carpets?” to “Will our dog be allowed inside?” No matter how well you know each other before you’re married, you will be surprised by how often your “normals” collide.

One reader wrote:

I mostly have a problem with my wife when it comes to turning off lights and celebrating birthdays and having parties all the time. I prefer the light to be off when I sleep but she prefers the opposite. Again, my wife believes that every birthday (including that of our children) must be celebrated with a lot of presents (if it’s the children, then they must have a party at school, which she does all the time).

Another described a conflict that arose when she and her husband were celebrating their seventh anniversary. They had a new baby, and this would be the first time they left the baby with her mother while they went on a date. The baby was fussy at night, so she felt they should go out for lunch, but her husband insisted on dinner.

We finally sat down and talked about how both of us were feeling. I was upset because I did not feel he understood how nervous I was, and I did not understand why we had to go out for dinner instead of lunch. It turned out that that was not his “normal.” His family rarely went out to eat, and they never went out for lunch. You just had a sandwich for lunch at home. It did not seem romantic or special to go out for lunch to him. On the other hand, my family went out a lot more frequently and it was for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I always loved going out for breakfast growing up, but my husband and I never do. Now I understand why.

It’s amazing how honest communication, plus a good dose of flexibility, can help resolve conflict. Once she understood how their normals were colliding, she agreed to put aside her fears and go out for dinner. “The baby was just fine with my mom,” she wrote, “We were able to enjoy our evening together because we had talked about where we both were coming from beforehand and were on the same page.”

Everyone faces some type of “new normal” conflict in marriage, but for blended families the stress is even more intense. “My husband has two daughters, and that means that they already had established family norms,” one reader wrote. “My stepdaughters informed me, when they were young, that they would teach me how to be a mom because they knew how.”

Again, communication was the key—even if it began with an argument. “When we misunderstand each other, things get worse and worse. If we finally have a heart-to-heart and explain why we’re doing something with the kids or in our marriage, then we understand each other. Sometimes these heart-to-hearts start with a big fight, but things finally get resolved and we ‘restart’ with our new information about each other.”

In his article, Dennis suggested following the instruction of Romans 12:10, which tells us to “give preference to one another in honor” (NASB). Working through these issues is an opportunity to compromise and honor each other and create your own normal in your new home.

Editor’s Note: Josh McDowell is a popular author and speaker. As a young man, he considered himself an agnostic and believed that Christianity was worthless. However, after intellectually examining the claims of Jesus Christ, he discovered compelling evidence for the reliability of the Christian faith.

My opinion was that most Christians had two brains: one was lost and the other was looking for it.

Thomas Aquinas wrote: “There is within every soul a thirst for happiness and meaning.”

I wanted to be happy. There’s nothing wrong with that. I also wanted to find meaning in life. I wanted answers to the questions: Who am I? Why in the world am I here? Where am I going?

More than that, I wanted to be free. Freedom to me was not going out and doing what I wanted to do. Freedom was having the power to do what I knew I ought to do … but didn’t have the power to do.

Searching for life’s meaning

So I started looking for answers. It seemed that almost everyone was into some sort of religion, so I did the obvious thing and took off for church.

I must have found the wrong church, though. Some of you know what I mean: I felt worse inside the church than I did outside.

I’ve always been very practical, and when one thing doesn’t work, I chuck it. So I chucked religion. The only thing I had ever gotten out of religion was the change I took out of the offering plate to buy a milkshake. And that’s about all many people ever gain from “religion.”

I began to wonder if prestige was the answer. So in college I ran for freshman class president and got elected. It was neat knowing everyone on campus, having everyone say, “Hi, Josh,” making the decisions, spending the university’s money and the students’ money to get the speakers I wanted. It was great, but it wore off like everything else I had tried.

I was like a boat out in the ocean being tossed back and forth by the waves, the circumstances. And I couldn’t find anyone who could tell me how to live differently or give me the strength to do it.

Then I began to notice people who seemed to be riding above the circumstances of university life. One important thing I noticed was that they seemed to possess an inner, constant source of joy—a state of mind not dependent on their surroundings. They were disgustingly happy. They had something I didn’t have … and I wanted it.

As I began purposely to spend more time with these people, we ended up sitting around a table in the student union one afternoon. Finally, I leaned back in my chair and said, “Tell me, have you always been this way, or has something changed your lives? Why are you so different from the other students, the leaders on campus, the professors? Why?”

One student looked me straight in the eye—with a little smile—and said two words I never thought I’d hear as part of any solution in a university. She said, “Jesus Christ.”

I said, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, don’t give me that garbage. I’m fed up with religion; I’m fed up with the church. Don’t give me that garbage about religion.”

She shot back, “Mister, I didn’t say ‘religion,’ I said, ‘Jesus Christ.’”

Accepting the challenge

At first I thought it was a joke. How ridiculous. It was my opinion that most Christians had two brains; one was lost and the other was out looking for it. Oh, I used to wait for a Christian student to speak up in class. I could tear him or her up one side and down the other side, even beating my professors to the punch. I knew the answers to any argument a Christian could bring up. But these people kept challenging me over and over and over again.

Finally, I accepted their challenge. I did it out of pride, to refute them. So I set out to make an intellectual joke of Christianity, but after two years it backfired on me. After gathering the evidence, I was compelled to conclude that my arguments against Christianity wouldn’t stand up. Jesus Christ is exactly who He claimed to be, the Son of God.

At that time, though, I had quite a problem. My mind told me all this was true, but my will was pulling me in another direction. I discovered that becoming a Christian was rather ego-shattering. Jesus Christ made a direct challenge to my will to trust Him. Let me paraphrase Him: “Look! I have been standing at the door and I am constantly knocking. If anyone hears Me calling him and opens the door, I will come in” (Revelation 3:20). I didn’t care if He did walk on water or turn water into wine. I didn’t want any party pooper around. I couldn’t think of a faster way to ruin a good time. So here was my mind telling me Christianity was true, and my will was somewhere else.

Every time I was around those enthusiastic Christians, the conflict would begin. If you’ve ever been around happy people when you’re miserable, you understand how they can bug you. They would be so happy and I would be so miserable that I’d literally get up and run right out of the student union. It came to the point where I’d go to bed at ten at night and I wouldn’t get to sleep until four in the morning. I knew I had to get it off my mind before I went out of my mind!

In my second year at the university—on December 19, 1959, at 8:30 p.m.—I became a Christian. That night I prayed four things to establish a relationship with the resurrected, living Christ which has since transformed my life.

First, I said, “Lord Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for me.”

Second, I said, “I confess those things in my life that aren’t pleasing to You and ask You to forgive me and cleanse me.” (The Bible says, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.”)

Third, I said, “Right now, in the best way I know how, I open the door of my heart and life and trust You as my Savior and Lord. Take over the control of my life. Change me from the inside out. Make me the type of person You created me to be.”

The last thing I prayed was, “Thank You for coming into my life by faith.” It was a faith based not upon ignorance but upon evidence and facts of history and God’s Word.

The consequences

You’ve probably heard religious people talk about their “bolt of lightning.” Well, nothing so dramatic happened to me, but in time there were some very observable changes.

Mental peace. I had been a person who always had to be occupied. But in a few months after I made the decision to trust Christ, a kind of mental peace began to develop. Don’t misunderstand; I’m not talking about the absence of conflict. What I found in this relationship with Jesus wasn’t so much the absence of conflict as it was the ability to cope with it. I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.

Control of temper. I used to “blow my stack” if somebody just looked at me cross-eyed. I still have the scars from almost killing a man my first year in the university. My temper was such an integral part of me. I didn’t consciously seek to change it.

Then, one day after my decision to put my faith in Christ, I arrived at a crisis, only to find that my temper was gone!

Freedom from resentment. I had a lot of hatred in my life. It wasn’t something outwardly manifested, but there was a kind of inward grinding. I was ticked off with people, things, issues.

The one person I hated more than anyone else in the world was my father. I despised him. He was the town alcoholic. And if you’re from a small town and one of your parents is an alcoholic, you know what I’m talking about.

Everybody knew. My friends would come to high school and make jokes about my father. They didn’t think it bothered me. I was laughing on the outside, but let me tell you I was crying on the inside. I’d go out in the barn and find my mother lying in the manure behind the cows. She’d been knocked down by my father and couldn’t get up.

About five months after I made my decision for Christ, love for my father—a love from God through Jesus Christ—inundated my life. It took that resentment and turned it upside down. It was so strong, I was able to look my father squarely in the eye and say, “Dad, I love you.” I really meant it.

What do you think of Christ?

When I was confronted with the overwhelming evidence for Christ’s Resurrection, I had to ask the logical question: “What difference does all this evidence make to me? What difference does it make whether or not I believe Christ rose again and died on the cross for my sins?”

The answer was put best by something Jesus said to a man who doubted—Thomas. He told him, “I am the Way—yes, and the Truth, and the Life. No one can get to the Father except by means of me” (John 14:6).

Considering the fact that Jesus offers forgiveness of sin and an eternal relationship with God, who would be so foolhardy as to reject Him? Christ is alive! He is living today.

I used to be so polite when we were first married, “Excuse me, Sweetheart …” and “Please, Dear, would you … .” It was easy for David to love me then.

But during one recent argument, I was almost hateful. It was evident to me when I heard myself say to my husband, “Leave me alone! I’m sick of hearing about it!” along with a whole slew of other disparaging remarks. But despite whether or not I deserved it, David didn’t threaten to leave me; he hunkered down and stayed for the battle.

When I was single, I would have never talked to my friends that way. They could have worn my clothes, borrowed my money, and flirted with my boyfriend, and I would have gritted my teeth, bit my tongue, and asked them nicely to please consider their behavior. But I would have never yelled and hurled exaggerations about how they “ALWAYS” or “NEVER” do or say something.

Somehow, however, a bratty little girl came to live with my husband. The stress of life and my lack of sleep compiled into one big scream welling up inside me … and David was the lucky target. I hurled and wailed accusations and twisted and turned the truth as much as I could to blame him for my suffering.

When it was over, he looked at me with tender eyes, instead of revenge. He held me in his arms, instead of pushing me away. And bitter tears of shame filled my eyes. I was left with emptiness as I realized I’d hurt the one who loves me the most in this world.

David married me for life. What we have is a covenant, not just a contract. That’s why he was willing to keep his promises to love me for better or for worse, even when the darkest parts of my fleshly nature were revealed.

The image of Christ

In the same way, we are in covenant with Christ. He sees every sin I have ever committed, even those performed in secret. He hears my casual blasphemies and the little “white” lies that I tell. He knows when my heart is far from Him and when I blame others for my sin. Over and over I break His heart and take advantage of His love, and time and time again, He runs to me as I come dragging home.

The book of Ephesians explains the mystery of how marriage is the reflection of Christ and His people. “… As the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her …” (5:24-25, emphasis mine). The covenant relationship between a husband and wife is meant to symbolize the unbreakable promise that God has with us that He will never leave nor forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:4-5). That’s why it’s so important to realize that the vows we take at the wedding altar cannot be broken by signing documents, but they last “till death do us part.”

The unlikely marriage of Hosea and Gomer in the book of Hosea is another picture of God’s covenant love for His people. Hosea was a devout man who was asked by God to marry the prostitute Gomer. After their marriage, she continued to sleep with other men until she finally ran back to prostitution. Hosea later found her naked on a public auction block waiting to be sold into slavery. It was then that God spoke to Hosea and said, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes” (Hosea 3:1 NIV). Hosea bought his own wife out of slavery, and he brought her home to love her again.

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Like my husband, Christ loves me despite myself, but He did something even greater that no one else could do. He died for me—blood staining the path so that I could find my way back. He did all this not because I loved Him, but because He first loved me. And in return, it makes me want to love Him more, to repent from my selfishness, and return the unconditional love that He has shown me.

Stripping away the veneer

David and I both came into our relationship like painted furniture, hiding the knots and scratches of the soft barren wood underneath. It didn’t take long for the veneer of my polished exterior to chip away revealing the nature of my flesh.

The heart is tender and it bleeds, but even when I sling the gory mess at David, he scoops me up in his arms and loves me. That’s something I couldn’t have experienced through a contractual relationship. Only covenant love can do that. As long as the polish was still on, I couldn’t know that he would love the scarred and imperfect wood underneath. I couldn’t have known that kind of love until my flesh was revealed.

Although it saddens me to realize that I’m capable of hurting the love of my life, I’m also overwhelmed with a sense of peace that after all the flaming darts I threw with my tongue, David still loves me.

The funny thing is somehow I felt safe to reveal it. I wanted to reveal it. I needed to know that he knew me—dark and light—and that he loved me anyway. But the most amazing part is that in those times when he shows me undeserved love, it makes me want to love him more, to repent from my selfishness, and return the unconditional love that he has shown me.

Recently we received a ticket in the mail from the Toronto Parking Authority. It seems we parked one evening at midnight in a no-parking zone, and we owed them $40. There was just one minor detail they overlooked. It wasn’t us. Sure, that was our license plate on the ticket, but we were nowhere near Toronto that night. My husband was working in the Emergency Room, and I was home with the kids two hundred kilometres away. No problem, I thought. I’ll just clear this all up.

That was easier said than done. There was no email address on the ticket, just a regular phone number (not even toll free) to phone during business hours. The only other way to deal with it was to go in person. So I phoned. It was busy. I tried for three days. And then, miraculously, I got an answer. “You are number 24 in line. Your wait will likely be 38 minutes.” So I waited. And waited. Number 17. Number 8. Number 3. And finally, number 1. And as I was being transferred, I heard—a busy signal. I had been disconnected.

In desperation, I called some traffic ticket specialists, figuring they could help me. They told me that if I didn’t pay the ticket on time, the authorities would double the fine, and it would cost me more than $40 to fight it. I could take them to small claims court, they explained, but again, it would cost me more than the price of the ticket. I may as well just pay it. “But it wasn’t me!” I told her. “It’s the principle of the thing!” She told me she understood, but there was nothing I could do.

How could the government just do this to me? I was really steamed. I told everyone my story, and actually found other people who had received similar tickets. “What did you do?” I asked. “We paid.” they said. “We could never get through on that phone number.”

So after a week of worrying about this, I finally realized there was no point. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

A lot of life is like that. We choose to hold on to our grudges, because it’s the principle of the thing. Bitterness, though, doesn’t pay very good dividends. It doesn’t do anything to the person you’re angry at, but it hurts you. You go through life always testing, always suspicious, and never at peace.

Letting go isn’t easy, but it’s a lot better than driving yourself nuts. I could have fought that ticket on principle, but it would have cost me more. Bitterness often costs us more than forgiving would, even if forgiving doesn’t seem fair. Yet Jesus put no limits on forgiveness. Philip Yancey, in his book What’s So Amazing About Grace?, admits that forgiveness is an “unnatural act”. Extending grace to someone who does not deserve it feels just plain wrong. Yet just as Jesus already paid for the guilt we feel, He already paid for everyone else’s guilt, too.

Unforgiveness is probably the biggest barrier to healing this side of heaven. It takes such humility and strength to say, “I will no longer hold this against you,” and often we just don’t feel up to the task. As hard as it seems, though, it is so much harder to live with bitterness. As speaker Patricia Frances asserts, “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.” You may be protecting your need to be right, but you give up your only chance at freedom and peace, and limit what God can do in your family.

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Forgiveness, of course, doesn’t mean that we ignore problems or subject ourselves or our kids to harm. It just means that we choose not to let those problems consume so much of our emotional energy. We let the anger go so we can enjoy the rest of life. Dwelling on such problems and seeking revenge, even if only in your head, only hurts you. You spend your life with such negativity that you don’t even notice the good around you.

I know someone whose wife left him for someone else. It wasn’t a pretty situation. It certainly wasn’t fair. This man, though, now uses his kids to get back at her. He won’t buy them clothes, school supplies, or toys. He tries to minimize his child support payments as much as possible so she has very little money to live on so that she can’t spend on herself. He’s punishing her, he thinks, but really he’s hurting his kids and himself in the process. He’s losing out on his relationship with his children because he’s still so hurt over her.

She did betray him. She did hurt him. But sometimes you have to let it go. It isn’t always easy, and it isn’t always pretty. Chances are, though, that life will be much easier on the other side. The principle of the thing isn’t always worth it. People are. Sometimes that’s hard to swallow, but it’s the best medicine there is.

After finishing this column, I gave that phone number one last try. To my amazement I got through, and they cancelled the ticket immediately. It felt great, but not nearly as wonderful as giving up that anger in the first place.

Abigail was married to a foolish and cruel man. Her husband, Nabal, was wealthy but selfish. While David was fleeing King Saul, he and his men camped for a time where Nabal’s servants were herding sheep.

David’s entourage treated Nabal’s shepherds honorably, and David expected Nabal to be grateful and hospitable in return. Rather than being thankful for David’s protection, however, Nabal insulted him by disrespecting David’s greeting and refusing his request for provisions.

David did not respond well to Nabal’s stingy and disrespectful behavior. Enraged, he swore vengeance on Nabal’s entire household. One of the servants saw what happened and ran to tell Abigail. He begged her to come up with a plan, because he knew it was useless to talk to Nabal. He said, “He is such a wicked man that no one can talk to him” (1 Samuel 25:17, NIV).

Although Abigail was married to a destructive person, she is described as both beautiful and intelligent. Her servant affirms this when he trusts that she will figure out what to do next. Abigail wasted no time; she knew what she must do and quickly did it. First, she prepared a feast to take to David and his men. She sent her servants out ahead of her, but she did not inform her husband what she planned.

Meanwhile, David worked himself into a rage as he brooded over Nabal’s sarcasm and mistreatment. As Abigail entered the ravine, she saw David, thirsty for vengeance, getting ready to massacre every male in Nabal’s household. She scrambled off her mule and bowed herself low before him.

Abigail did not make excuses for her husband’s poor behavior. She told it like it was, basically saying: “I know Nabal is a wicked and ill-tempered man; please don’t pay any attention to him. He is a fool, just as his name suggests” (verse 25). Miraculously, Abigail also takes responsibility for what happened. “I accept all blame in this matter, my lord,” she said (verse 24). She protected her husband and her household by putting herself on the line.

We know that Abigail acted wisely and resourcefully by the way she handled the situation, but we also know that she feared God. She knew what to say to help David remember that he was God’s anointed king, and she encouraged him to rethink his plan for vengeance. Abigail humbled herself before David and asked for his forgiveness, which allowed him to rise above his anger and trust God for justice against Nabal.

I’m certain that, just like any other woman, Abigail longed for a husband who would cherish her. She stayed married, yet she did not allow her husband’s selfishness, harshness, or foolishness to destroy her. She demonstrated remarkable presence of mind, resilience, and inner beauty in spite of her circumstances. She chose to become a God-centered woman, and that choice kept her husband’s wickedness from rubbing off on her.

Growth requires letting go

Over the years, I’ve worked with women and men who, like Abigail, have healed and grown in spite of the destructive people around them. I’d like to tell you about some of the steps they have taken to enable that process to occur. There are three things we must learn to let go of if we want greater healing and maturity in our lives.

1. Let go of unrealistic expectations. One of the things that kept Abigail sane in her marriage was her deep roots in reality. She did not entertain any idealistic notions about her husband suddenly doing something noble or loving. She knew who he was, and that’s who she expected him to be. Abigail was not shocked by Nabal’s behavior toward David and his men.

Many individuals remain unhealthy in destructive relationships because they keep hoping that the other person will eventually become someone different. When that doesn’t happen, they feel angry, hurt, disappointed, and frustrated because somehow they still expect change. One common definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. First recognizing and then releasing our unrealistic expectations of others is a crucial element in gaining greater mental and emotional health.

I reached a turning point in my own life when I finally said goodbye to the hope that somehow my mother would change. I resisted doing this because I so desired her to be in my life, and I wanted her to apologize for all the pain she caused. I didn’t want to accept that she might never see her problem, or that I couldn’t make her see it, nor could I make her do anything about it even if she did see it.

Letting go of what we want feels horrible at first, much like grieving a death. I had to accept that my mother was not going to play the role I wanted her to play in my life. As we go through the normal stages of grieving from denial to anger and bargaining and finally to acceptance, we feel deep pain and sorrow. But in the end, going through the process empowers us to move on with our lives. Staying stuck in denial or anger doesn’t help us live maturely or abundantly now.

2. Let go of negative emotions. As we practice letting go of our unrealistic expectations, we may still fight negative feelings that we can’t shake. A client named Richard did not have any expectations about a better relationship with his parents, but he stayed stuck because he allowed his understandable anger and hurt over the abuse he suffered in his home as a child to harden into bitterness, hatred, and strong resentment. These negative emotions colored his mood and shaped his disposition, which in turn disrupted his present life. In order for Richard to grow healthier, he needed to learn how to release his destructive feelings.

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It’s amazing how ensnared we become by our negative emotions and moods, and how helpless we feel to move beyond them. But each of us knows how to let them go when we need to. One day I felt rather cranky and miserable and let everyone around me know it. Then the phone rang. When I answered it, I heard myself say in the sweetest tone, “Hello.” Suddenly I got it. For a phone call, I let go of my negative feelings. After the phone conversation, I noticed my crankiness was not nearly as potent. Now don’t get me wrong: I could have easily revved it back up, but that time I chose to let it go entirely. As a result, I had a much better day, as did the people around me.

Some people choose to hold on to their resentment, believing that staying mad is a way of punishing the offender. That’s what Richard was doing. He didn’t want to forgive his parents or let go of his bitterness. He wanted them to pay for what they did to him. Of course, his parents weren’t paying the price; he was, as were his wife and children.

Having emotional and spiritual maturity doesn’t mean we don’t feel our emotions when someone treats us poorly. Becoming whole and holy means we don’t retaliate or seek revenge when they do. We forgive them and do them good, not harm, even if the relationship is broken.

3. Let go of lies. When someone has been in a destructive relationship for any length of time, especially as a child, lies may feel more real than the truth does. But it’s crucial for your mental, spiritual, and emotional health that you learn to detect the lies you have been told, the lies you tell yourself, and the lies you believe, and then replace them with the truth. If you have been told repeatedly that you’re stupid, ugly, incapable, or worthless by those you thought cared about you, it’s extremely difficult not to believe it, at least a little bit. When you believe the lie that you are small and others are big, you feel helpless and powerless.

One of my favorite childhood movies was The Wizard of Oz. When Dorothy approached the wizard, he frightened her. He made everyone believe he was big and powerful. But one day when the wizard was ranting and raving about how powerful he was, Dorothy’s little dog, Toto, wandered behind the curtain and exposed the truth. This supposedly powerful man wasn’t a wizard at all, nor was he very big. The truth was that he was a rather small, ordinary man, who only pretended he was big.

Like the wizard, many verbally abusive people appear larger than life to us. Their intent is to make us believe that they are so strong and powerful, we’d better do exactly what they say. The truth is that they are mere mortals, and their ranting and raging is a cover for their own smallness. They only appear large if we believe we are small and helpless. If you want to break free from their grasp, you must let go of that lie.

Gaining by losing

The spiritual life is often a strange paradox. The way up is down; the first shall be last; to be full we must empty ourselves; to live we must first die; to find ourselves we must lose ourselves; and we gain more not by adding more, but by letting go.

Make a promise to yourself to regain your life by letting go. Then practice letting go of the things you know are weighing you down. Don’t worry about everything you don’t know about yet. God is patient with us. He knows growth and maturity take time. I’m still learning to let go. It is a lifelong process, but be encouraged. The lighter you get, the freer you are.

Marriage is the most intimate relationship two people on earth can have. As Genesis 2:25 describes Adam and Eve, husbands and wives are “naked and not ashamed.” It’s a powerful union, having the ability to bind hearts together like spiritual glue, produce offspring, and even heal the body and soul. In their book Intended for Pleasure, Ed and Gaye Wheat write, “… Today therapists and researchers are discovering that genuine sexual intimacy has a remarkable power to heal, renew, refresh, restore, and sustain the marriage relationship.”

Yet the one place where marital fidelity is most intimate—the bedroom—is often treated as a storeroom for clutter. Instead, the bedroom should be a place where love and romance are cultivated, encouraged, and celebrated. This is the room where you and your spouse enjoy the relationship that God created for you to share, so there should be special attention paid to it.

Women can be especially affected by the state of the bedroom because we feel connected to the home in a personal way. We often see the home as an extension of our personalities and style. The colors, wall decorations, furniture, pictures, etc., are all selected based on what we want others to know about us.

Ask yourself this question: If a friend were to walk into your bedroom today, what would she say about your marriage based on what she found? If the answer to that question leaves you feeling inadequate, these 10 ideas will help you turn your bedroom into an incubator for romance.

1. Put away clutter.

Everyone has them—stacks of bills, coupons, random newsletters that haven’t been read … the list goes on. And since you don’t want to forget about them (or maybe you just don’t know where to store them), the default system is to make a stack on the dresser or chest of drawers in your bedroom. Perhaps the dirty laundry has found a gathering place on the floor next to the bed. And all those pictures, candlesticks, decorations, and children’s painting that you are planning to find a place for have found their way to the tops of your bedroom furniture.

If you want a romantic bedroom, all of this clutter must go somewhere else. To help declutter, put large items in a box and store them in the hall closet or under the bed, and stack loose papers in tall baskets, preferably with lids, that can double as hiding spaces and decor.

By simply straightening up the room, you’ll be less burdened with the constant reminders of looming projects and feel more relaxed.

2. Don’t use your bedroom as storage.

This is similar to the previous suggestion, except this is a more permanent problem. As much as possible, remove stored items from your room. This requires an investment of time. Take a day to sort through the stored items and decide which need to be put away in their proper place, given away or sold, or moved someplace else for continued storage. Then take advantage of hidden spaces in your house to store the leftover items. Use places such as:

Space under beds. Invest in storage boxes that are made to fit under the bed and roll for easy access. If you are storing toys and children’s clothing, utilize this space in children’s rooms, as well.
Trunks. Depending on the size, trunks can double as tables and/or decorations in a bedroom or living area. It gives both an aesthetic value and a practical one.
Baskets. This is another valuable decluttering item. You can fill baskets with storage and put them on a bookshelf or under tables as decorations.

3. Choose colors that soothe.

The color scheme you choose for your bedroom is as important as the decorations. The reason is that colors have a way of connecting with emotions. Sharon Hanby-Robie and Deb Strubel, authors of Beautiful Places, Spiritual Spaces write, “Decorate your home with the colors you and your family love. It doesn’t matter what the latest trends are or what the fashion gurus think. What does matter is that you love your home and that your choices make sense for you and your family.”

If you don’t know what colors and styles you like, start looking through home magazines and tear out the pages that have colors and designs you are drawn to or or create a Pinterest board for inspiration. Soon, you will begin to see a pattern develop, and you can use these ideas to decorate your own bedroom.

4. Use many of your best decorations.

Women often use their best décor for the living room, den, or kitchen, where guests are most likely to frequent, and send the leftovers to the bedroom. But the heart of your home lies within the relationship between husband and wife, so the bedroom should be a priority. Not only that, but your spouse will appreciate the extra attention to enhance your romance.

Go through your house and find several of your best decorations that fit with the color scheme in your bedroom. Then find a place for them, being careful not to create more clutter, but instead flatter the room. Put as much effort into this room as you would a room with higher traffic.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

5. Use decorations to remind you of special memories.

Frame and display photos from your wedding and honeymoon, or from other special times together. Frame a copy of your wedding vows. They will remind you of how your love blossoms and grows over the years.

6. Invest in candles and burn them often.

Some couples use candles mainly to decorate tables and shelves. But they miss out on the soft lighting and subtle fragrances that candles can offer a room. Nothing gives a romantic ambiance like candlelight, so find several fragrances and colors that you and your spouse love, and make it a habit of burning them.

7. Spray linens and clothing with refreshing scents.

Linen spray is a quick and easy way to keep sheets smelling fresh, and the soothing fragrances can calm a stressed loved one. In the same way, body sprays can also keep you smelling fresh and even sweeten your time together.

8. Take out the television.

Spending time in front of the television keeps the attention off of your lives and onto shadows of life. Before you know it, your time together before bed slips away through the world of media. Bob DeMoss, author of TV: The Great Escape, wrote, “I am convinced that the simple decision to unplug TV [even] for just one month has the power to revolutionize our relationships with our spouse, our children, our world, and most importantly with our God.” Just by the simple act of removing the TV, you open up free time to reconnect with your spouse in a special way without distractions.

9. Play music to set the tone for romance.

There is something in music that can make or break the mood in a room. In his book A Minute of Margin, Dr. Richard A. Swenson writes, “We can’t explain what [music] is, where it comes from, or why it works. One person warbles her vocal chords while another blows on his pipe—and somehow it soothes. Music is free, is equally available to every person, and has a powerful healing effect on the human spirit.”

Create a playlist specifically for the bedroom. Choose a variety of music that soothes both you and your spouse, whether it’s a collection of standards, classical, or soft rock, and don’t forget to include songs that carry special meanings and memories. Make it a habit of putting on your favorite tunes to both relax and create a loving mood.

10. Wear an attitude to match.

A beautiful bedroom only provides half the romance. If you give your spouse the cold shoulder, or use the bedroom to manipulate to get what you want, it will not be the warm place of love that it was meant to be. Work to make your time in the bedroom a time of building up your marriage emotionally and spiritually. Pray together regularly, avoid getting into conflicts before bedtime, and make efforts to communicate in loving ways. If you practice these things, no matter how your bedroom looks to the eye, the heart will recognize it as a place of true love.

I like using the term lovemaking when talking about sex in marriage. Any two consenting adults can have sex, but it takes committed-for-life marriage partners to make love. Lovemaking comforts because it releases tension. A backrub is good for tense bodies, a sexual release even better. God was ingenious in His creation. Through lovemaking we can create life, experience one-flesh intimacy and deep knowledge, enjoy deep pleasure, and even comfort each other in times of stress or sorrow.

These are just a few of the benefits of lovemaking. But of course, before you reap the rewards, you have to prepare the fields for harvest, so to speak.

Here are a few things that help:

1. Understand passion.

Passion ebbs and flows, and there are times when sex becomes routine for married couples. But if you chase excitement, you chase the wind. What you have to look for is meaning. Passion is not only a hot and tingling feeling. In fact, passion can be a person … your spouse. One of the definitions of passion according to Dictionary.com is: “a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.”

How would your view of lovemaking change if you focused not on the feelings, emotions, or result, but instead on the person—your spouse?

According to Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, the authors of Intimate Issues, “The Hebrew word for ‘sexual intercourse’ is the word ‘to know.’ Through God’s gift of sex, a husband and wife receive an intimate knowing of one another that they have with no one else.”

So while the connection and physical sensations are a bonus, true passion comes from knowing another person like no other, and that person knowing you. This is something to be passionate about.

2. Be available.

The apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 that you are not to deny your spouse the benefit of your body for sex. You wouldn’t want your spouse to become vulnerable toward another, would you? And your relationship will be smoother in all areas if he or she is sexually satisfied.

When we marry, we actually participate in a gift exchange. The wife gives the gift of her body to her husband, and he gives the gift of his body to her. Each gives up the right to his or her own body and turns that authority over to the other.

This is an awesome concept. Sadly, we quickly learn that one of the easiest ways to hurt a spouse is to withhold the gift of your body. But God makes it clear that we do not have this right.

I don’t know about you, but when I give someone a present, I give the best gift when I know that person and what makes him or her light up. The same is true when spouses take time to understand male and female differences. (Or take time to understand and appreciate a spouse who doesn’t fit in the typical mold.)

For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance—and just as dangerous to your marriage.

Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable, salves a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence. And, of course, sex also makes him feel loved—in fact, he can’t feel completely loved without it.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

3. Plan it.

Once, my friend and I were chatting about sexual intimacy, and she was complaining about lack of time in her day.

“It’s easy,” I told her. “Plan time for sex just like you plan to brush your teeth at night. You wouldn’t go to sleep without brushing, would you?”

You should have seen her jaw drop.

Yes, sex does take more time than brushing your teeth. And, no, I personally can’t claim I follow as rigorous a schedule. But the benefits to regular lovemaking are similar to those that come with brushing or flossing—like your dentist says, it’s the daily care and maintenance that makes all the difference. And truly, when we look at each day, we make time and place priorities on a wide variety of things … why not sex?

“In marriage, sex is the spice that rescues our relationships from becoming mundane pursuits of chores,” write Bill and Pam Farrel, authors of Red Hot Monogamy. “Adult life is filled with responsibilities. We have mortgages to pay, yard work to maintain, laundry to clean, cars to service, and so on. But none of us got married so we could load up on chores. We got married out of hope. We got married because we believed there was some kind of magic between us.”

I have been speaking and writing for years about how the overcommitted pace of American families is killing us socially, relationally, and psychologically. We are simply too busy. Many families I work with could easily cut out 50 percent of their activities and still be tired. That’s not an exaggeration. Most families who see me are often shocked at the way I can take a meat clever to their schedule.

When we live life at the pace of a NASCAR race, sex is one of the first things to go. If you want to improve your sex life as a couple, you need to examine your relationship outside the bedroom. What are you doing that is keeping you from sexual intimacy?

4. Find fulfillment.

Take time to pause and truly appreciate the joy of sex and the awe of what takes place as your body combines with that of your spouse.

God wants your sexual relationship to be an oasis for the two of you. He desires that the two of you find relief from routine and a refuge from stress by splashing around in the springs of sexual refreshment. But if you are to discover the refreshment that sexual love can bring, it may require that you make a change in attitude (how you view your intimate times together) as well as changes in your environment (the place where you make love).

Maybe you decide to change your attitude or environment. Or prepare yourself during the day. Pick up a book to give you tips and tricks. Or schedule lovemaking into your calendar.

The ultimate goal is fulfillment. Take time to enjoy it. Be refreshed. And before you flip off the light, look at the light in your spouse’s eyes and the smile on your spouse’s face. Also, take note of the peace and contentment in your own soul.

Now, wasn’t that worth it?

Growing up, I hated school and studying. Well, I hated most studying. But I loved two local sports teams: the University of Maryland Terps—specifically, the basketball team—and my beloved Washington Redskins. Somehow I acquired an impressive body of knowledge about these teams, even as I continued to get lousy grades in school.

While class work was mostly drudgery, learning about the Terps and Skins was effortless joy. I loved to watch them, think about them, read about them, talk about them, and listen to games on the radio. To absorb everything I possibly could about these guys—to study them—was rich food for my schoolboy’s soul.

Why was that kind of learning so easy for me when formal education was so hard? What made the difference?

Passion.

No secret there. What we love, we want to learn about. And what we love to study, we come to love even more. That’s just the way God has wired us. I loved the Terps and Skins; so learning about them and growing in my zeal for them was a totally natural process.

I still enjoy following those teams, but my strongest passions now lie elsewhere.

My highest and greatest love will always be reserved for God, for when I was His enemy and worthy of His righteous wrath, in His great mercy He sent His only Son to live a perfect life and die a perfect death in my place. But after my love for God, nothing compares to the passion I hold for Carolyn, my wife.

Because I have this passion for her, I have studied her. I’ve noticed and noted details about her. All kinds of details. Everything from the kinds of snacks she likes, to what certain facial expressions reveal, to this one particular freckle that only I see.

It has been my privilege to be a student of Carolyn since before our engagement. As I have studied her—seeking to learn what pleases, excites, honors, encourages, refreshes, and helps her—my love for her has only increased.

The truth that can change your marriage

There is a truth that should be emblazoned on the heart of every husband. If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this:

In order for romance to deepen, you must touch the heart and mind of your wife before you touch her body.

This, gentlemen, is a truth that can change your marriage. Nothing kindles erotic romance in a marriage like a husband who knows how to touch the heart and mind of his wife before he touches her body.

Too often we reverse the order. We touch her body prematurely and expect that she will respond immediately and passionately. Normally that’s not how it works.

Some of you have been married a relatively short time, while others have spent decades with your wife. Whatever your situation, we all have this in common: There is still much we can and should be learning about that unique and precious woman who is our wife, that gift from God to whom we have pledged our lifelong devotion. There are two primary ways we can learn how to touch her heart and mind: by studying her and by asking her questions.

If you have children living in the home, then of all the questions you could ask her, this one is especially revealing:

Do you feel more like a mother or a wife?

(If you don’t have children at home, replace “mother” with whatever role is likely to be in competition with “wife.” It might be something like “homemaker,” “employee,” or “professional.” Then you can apply the principles in this section to your specific circumstances.)

There can be a selfish, sinful tendency among husbands to view their wives as a goal that, once achieved, is then taken for granted. That is how a wife with children comes to feel primarily like a mother. And that is why the very idea of asking a question like this can cause many husbands to swallow hard and consider going off to watch a little TV. But please don’t—I want this to be an encouragement to you.

There may be many children in your family, from infants to 20-somethings. A variety of legitimate activities may consume huge quantities of your wife’s time. Health, finances, or other factors may present significant, ongoing challenges. But whatever your situation, if you make it a priority to love and care for your wife as Christ does the Church, God will touch her heart so that, even when surrounded by diapers, dishes, and diseases, she can answer that question with joy: “I feel more like a wife.”

Not for a moment am I denying the importance of a mother’s role. Carolyn and I have four children (with our grandchildren count continuing to rise). Motherhood is exceptionally important. It calls for immense sacrifices and deserves great honor. But I can say with full conviction that according to Scripture, motherhood is never to be a wife’s primary role. In fact, I think the most effective mothers are wives who are being continually, biblically romanced by their husbands.

As for you, your primary role is not to raise your children (or to excel in your career or immerse yourself in hobbies or anything else) but to build a marriage by God’s grace that reflects the relationship between Christ and the Church. That’s why the most effective fathers are husbands who make it their aim to love their wives biblically.

Godly children, whose lives bring much glory to the Lord and much delight to their parents, come from truly biblical marriages. As you learn more and more how to love and lead your wife as Christ does the Church, you will become a more godly, wise, loving, compassionate, Christlike father to your children. And your wife will become more full of joy, hope, and peace and will radiate more of the love and grace of God in all she does.

Your children should be able to look at your life and know beyond any doubt that they have the great privilege of being the most important people in the world to you … right after their mom.

Study my wife

As a romancer of my wife, I know that my essential role is that of a student and a planner. So I constantly keep my eyes and ears open for ideas to record. I’ve been known not to hear my name called in a doctor’s office because I am furiously scribbling information from a magazine article.

I keep track of good getaway spots, ideas for dates, and many other bits of useful information. I know what to record because I have studied my wife—her life, her preferences, and her responsibilities—and have learned what makes her tick, romantically speaking. And I learned a long time ago that no matter how amazed or impressed I am by an idea or thought, I almost certainly will forget it if I don’t write it down. These notes are my building blocks for creating and cultivating a more romantic marriage.

Learn her heart and mind

To learn how to touch your wife’s heart and mind, you must study her. Here are two lists that may be helpful. You can probably add to them.

Do you know how to surprise and delight your wife in specific ways in each of the following areas?

sex
clothing sizes, styles, and stores
jewelry
health
exercise
books and magazines
movies
the arts
sports
food
music
entertainment
places to visit
intellectual interests
hobbies
vacations/getaways
and, of course, sex

Do you know how your wife is faring in each of these areas?

theological knowledge
practice of the spiritual disciplines
growth in godliness
spiritual gifts that can be used to serve others
involvement in the local church
relationship with children
relationship with parents
relationship with in-laws
relationship with friends
personal retreats
fears
hopes
dreams
disappointments
temptations

How much of this information do you have readily available to you, preferably in written form? How much do you really know about your wife in each of these areas?

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Processing and planning

Studying our wives and gathering information, of course, is only step one. We must not confuse being informed with being transformed. Transformation doesn’t just happen automatically or effortlessly. It is the fruit of application and action.

This is precisely where most men fail, including me. And it should be no mystery why, gentlemen. We have a tendency to be lazy and selfish. Genuine growth involves grace-motivated work, even extended effort. Our information-gathering must be followed by detailed planning and follow-through. Romance occurs when what you know about your wife is specifically applied.

Let me tell you about a practice that I have been engaging in for years and have found immensely helpful. For me, this approach happens to work. You might want to consider trying it … or create your own. The important thing is that you have some practice that you maintain on a frequent, regular basis. Otherwise all your efforts to learn about your wife will have little actual effect.

Every week, on Sunday evening or Monday morning, I get away to the local Starbucks. Armed with my PDA and a cup of steaming raspberry mocha, I review several things: my roles (husband, father, pastor, etc.), my to-do list, my schedule for the coming week, the book I’m reading, and a message I’ve heard recently.

The heart of this time is when I define, for each of my roles, what is most important for me to accomplish during the next seven days. I have learned that if I do not define the important, then during the week that which is merely urgent will rush in, disguised as the truly important, and will crowd out everything else.

For each of my roles I identify no more than three important goals I can accomplish that week, and I insert them into my schedule. I’m careful not to load myself down with more than is realistic. This is how the important is identified and protected. The process is absolutely crucial, but it often takes no more than 15 or 20 minutes. (Then, as the week progresses, I make sure my plans are still on track.)

This is obviously not a significant investment of time. But without it a great deal of what I heard and read and learned in the preceding week would be forgotten or left unapplied. Without it I would go through life governed by what seems to be the most urgent thing clamoring for my attention. The truly important things would often go unattended. But with it, as each week unfolds and I find myself engaged in activities that are truly intentional, purposeful, and central, I regularly realize that a particular interaction with my wife is benefiting directly from that time in the coffee shop.

So please don’t make the mistake of thinking that simply by reading this you are being changed. I wish it were that easy. But change does not take place until we apply what we are learning in very specific ways, at very specific times, and always in dependence on God’s grace to make our efforts effective.

It’s just not possible to grow in your love for anything that you take for granted, especially your wife. To increase marital romance, you must study and cherish the object of your affection through the regular investment of time and energy.

As men we are all too eager to touch our wives’ bodies before we have taken the time to touch their hearts and minds. I’m trying to restrain you from touching her prematurely, so that when the time does come to touch her body, it will have the deepest possible effect.

Adapted from Sex, Romance, and the Glory of God by C.J. Mahaney copyright 2004, pages 27-35. Used by permission of Crossway Books, a ministry of Good News Publishers, Wheaton, Illinois 60187, www.crossway.com. Download for personal use only.

Last summer I bought a medium-sized potted bush to decorate my back porch. As autumn drew to a close, bringing with it the winter chill, I knew I should have sheltered it in some way. But I procrastinated too long, and later I watched it freeze in the chill of winter. The leaves wilted and died, and two inches of ice sat tightly around the top of the pot, freezing the roots. I planned to throw the dead bush out with the rest of the frozen plants. When the weather warmed again, the clover sprang up, pear trees bloomed, and wouldn’t you know it—my bush started sprouting leaf buds! It wasn’t dead after all, just dormant.

Perhaps you feel the same way about the romance in your marriage. It appears lifeless and brittle. But with a little sunshine of love and some rain showers of focused attention, this spring may bring back to life the buds of romance you once enjoyed.

1. Spend an afternoon in the park.

Send the kids to grandma’s house for a few hours, pack a picnic, and drive to a local park. Go ahead, take your shoes off and lay in the grass. Bring along a couple of kites or a badminton set and have some leisurely fun together. You might consider taking a few pictures to capture lifelong memories.

Your kids might be jealous and complain that you’re going somewhere without them, but they will relish the fact that Mom and Dad love each other enough to spend time alone together.

2. Plant a garden.

Nothing brings people together like working as a team to achieve a positive goal. Start with a plan on paper, mapping out what you want to plant, and then start working the soil. Include flowers that you can later cut and use to decorate your home—a symbol of the work you accomplished together.

3. Go for a walk or take a ride through the country.

Everyone needs a sabbatical from household duties and chores—even if only for 30 minutes. Enjoy the displays of God’s creation through flowers, birds, and sunshine. Instead of discussing problems or issues in your relationship, use this time to connect and unwind.

If you have older kids, let them stay at home while you go out. If you have small children, take them with you, but concentrate on each other, not the kids. As you explore, hold hands and sneak a kiss now and then. Let the children see how much you love each other.

4. Roast marshmallows.

After the kids have gone to bed, build a fire, preferably outside. For an extra treat, pull out the marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars for s’mores. Talk about the events of the day and catch up on life, especially the details that might generally get left out. Oftentimes, married couples are so busy making the home run well that the only thing they talk about is household business. While sitting around the fire, it’s the perfect opportunity to listen, ask questions, and catch up on all the things you missed out on—like the funny thing that happened at work, or the old friend you ran into today.

5. Spend time stargazing.

Make a pallet of blankets and pillows on the back porch and snuggle in the cool spring breezes while gazing at the heavenly bodies above. Psalm 19:1 says, “The heavens are telling of the glory of God; And their expanse is declaring the work of His hands.” As you lay there, talk about all the ways God has blessed your relationship. If you’ve had a difficult marriage, there is always something to praise God for, even if it’s small. Then pray together, thanking God for His creation of the stars and His creation of each other.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

6. Freshen your bedroom.

Your bedroom is the most intimate room in your house, yet it is often neglected. As you start spring-cleaning, focus on your bedroom first. The thick comforter on your mattress was perfect for snuggling in the winter, but during spring it can make your bedroom look stuffy and hot. Trade your dark winter colors and heavy fabric for soft, light-colored blankets and curtains. If you don’t have the resources to do this, try folding the comforter at the end of the bed to slightly change the look. Dust the furniture and clean to windows to clear away the musty smells of being closed in all winter. Then switch out your candles for a cooler, crisper scent, and make sure to burn them when the time is right!

7. Read books together.

Now that March Madness is over, turn off the TV, and use that time to sit on the back porch together while the children play and read a book together. It could be fiction or non-fiction, long or short. For starters, consider reading books of the Bible. Then take the time to discuss what you read, sharing how it affected you. You might even consider using dinnertime to discuss what you read with the children.

8. Renew your wedding vows.

Spring often symbolizes new hope—new life, new growth, new beginnings. In the same way, you can renew your marriage by recommitting your vows. This is especially important if you’ve recently been through difficult times. Even though you made this promise once—and once was enough—it’s good for your spouse to know that you’re still committed to the marriage.

Many anniversaries take place in spring, and a vow renewal service is a romantic way to celebrate. Recommitting your promises doesn’t have to be some elaborate celebration; you can use a card or letter, or simply tell your spouse one Saturday morning that you will always love, honor, and cherish him or her until death.

9. Go for a weekend getaway.

Send the kids to a friend’s house for the weekend and spend some time alone together. FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway is a great way to focus on your relationship. But maybe you just need to relax. If that’s the case, get a cabin or a local bed and breakfast and enjoy some peace and quite. We all need a break from the cares of life from time to time.

10. Turn over a new leaf.

Are you holding a grudge against your spouse? If so, the most romantic thing you can do in your marriage is to forgive. By doing so, you are reflecting the unconditional love that God has for us (see Ephesians 5). This spring make a choice to change the patterns of hurt and bitterness in your life. As you let go of the resentment in your heart, you make room for love and trust, and you will have more romance than you thought was possible.

Love is the most important word in the English language—and the most confusing. Both secular and religious thinkers agree that love plays a central role in life. We are told that “love is a many-splendored thing” and that “love makes the world go round.” Thousands of books, songs, magazines, and movies are peppered with the word. Numerous philosophical and theological systems have made a prominent place for love. And the founder of the Christian faith wanted love to be the distinguishing characteristic of His followers.

Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our plight in life. The Christian apostle to the Gentiles, Paul, exalted love when he indicated that all human accomplishments that are not motivated by love are, in the end, empty. He concluded that in the last scene of the human drama, only three characters will remain: “faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Filling the love tank

Child psychologists affirm that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. Among those emotional needs, none is more basic than the need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. With an adequate supply of affection, the child will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially retarded.

I liked the metaphor the first time I heard it: “Inside every child is an ’emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank.'” I was listening to Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents.

As I listened, I thought of the hundreds of parents who had paraded the misdeeds of their children through my office. I had never visualized an empty love tank inside those children, but I had certainly seen the results of it. Their misbehavior was a misguided search for the love they did not feel. They were seeking love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.

An empty love tank

I remember Ashley, who at thirteen years of age was being treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Her parents were crushed. They were angry with Ashley. They were upset with the school, which they blamed for teaching her about sex. Why would she do this? they asked.

In my conversation with Ashley, she told me of her parents’ divorce when she was six years old. “I thought my father left because he didn’t love me,” she said. “When my mother remarried when I was ten, I felt she now had someone to love her, but I still had no one to love me. I wanted so much to be loved. I met this boy at school. He was older than me, but he liked me. I couldn’t believe it. He was kind to me, and in a while I really felt he loved me. I didn’t want to have sex, but I wanted to be loved.”

Ashley’s “love tank” had been empty for many years. Her mother and stepfather had provided for her physical needs but had not realized the deep emotional struggle raging inside her.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

An adult need for love

The emotional need for love, however, is not simply a childhood phenomenon. That need follows us into adulthood and into marriage. The “in love” experience temporarily meets that need, but it is inevitably a quick fix and has a limited and predictable life span.

After we come down from the high of the “in love” obsession, the emotional need for love resurfaces because it is fundamental to our nature. It is at the center of our emotional desires.

The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires. A man said to me recently, “What good is the house, the cars, the place at the beach, or any of the rest of it if your wife doesn’t love you?” Do you understand what he was really saying? “More than anything, I want to be loved by my wife.”

Material things are no replacement for human, emotional love. A wife says, “He ignores me all day long and then wants to jump in bed with me. I hate it.” She is not a wife who hates sex; she is a wife desperately pleading for emotional love.

Something in our nature cries out to be loved by another. Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.

At the heart of mankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and to be loved by another. Marriage is designed to meet that need for intimacy and love. That is why the ancient biblical writings spoke of the husband and wife becoming “one flesh.” That did not mean that individuals would lose their identity; it meant that they would enter into each other’s lives in a deep and intimate way.

Secret pain

But if love is important it is also elusive. I have listened to many married couples share their secret pain. Some came to me because the inner ache had become unbearable. Others came because they realized that their behavior patterns or the misbehavior of their spouse was destroying the marriage. Some came simply to inform me that they no longer wanted to be married. Their dreams of “living happily ever after” had been dashed against the hard walls of reality.

Again and again I have heard the words “Our love is gone, our relationship is dead. We used to feel close, but not now. We no longer enjoy being with each other.” Their stories bear testimony that adults as well as children have “love tanks.”

Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists an invisible “emotional love tank” with its gauge on empty? Could the misbehavior, withdrawal, harsh words, and critical spirit occur because of that empty tank? If we could find a way to fill it, could the marriage be reborn? With a full tank would couples be able to create an emotional climate where it is possible to discuss differences and resolve conflicts? Could that tank be the key that makes marriage work?

A journey into the hearts and minds of couples across America

Those questions sent me on a long journey. The journey has taken me not only through twenty years of marriage counseling but into the hearts and minds of hundreds of couples throughout America. From Seattle to Miami, couples have invited me into the inner chamber of their marriages, and we have talked openly.

I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty “love tank” may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil. What you are about to read has the potential of saving thousands of marriages and can even enhance the emotional climate of a good marriage. Whatever the quality of your marriage now, it can always be better.

I’m the kind of person who likes to give the perfect gift. I always want each gift to be as unique as the person who receives it. So when my husband’s fiftieth birthday was approaching, I found myself praying weeks ahead of time for inspiration. I just wasn’t sure what to get him.

Drew loves history, so I thought a book might be nice. Thick warm socks are always a favorite. (I know socks don’t sound very exciting, but my husband loves them.) Those ideas weren’t bad for a normal birthday. However, for his fiftieth I wanted to do something memorable that would last well beyond his birthday—a gift that would tell him how much I loved him and how thankful I am for his influence in my life.

I started thinking of things that would influence me. Drew knows that I love the written word. Words have such power. They can calm a heart, share truth, or cut like a knife. They can brighten your day or haunt you with their bitterness.

I appreciate having his special words of love for me recorded in “black and white.” That’s probably why I’m always so excited to get a card or note from him. I treasure each one because they are tangible reminders of the love that sustains us on our journey together. Words don’t cost anything. And yet when used the right way words are priceless, truly a gift of the heart … and perfect for this occasion!

A statement of love

My idea was to create a collection of words that would tell the story of our 25 years together. Much more than a romantic love letter, this “Statement of Love” would describe why I loved my husband, detailing the character qualities that make him a man of honor and esteeming him for the choices he has made in life. I wanted this statement to recall the good things we have shared as well as the challenges that have brought depth to our marriage. Here is an example from my statement to Drew:

Before we were even married you asked my opinion about giving more money than I had ever seen, to the Jesus Film. Money you had earned, that I had no part in, and yet you included me. That was one of the first qualities I discovered, your generosity. From school children to worldwide ministries, your desire to give has always been a joy to others.

There are so many other qualities that I admire in you. Your creativity, that makes me look like I’m not creative at all compared to you. Your entrepreneurial spirit and original thinking; just because something hasn’t been done before doesn’t stop you. You have a sense about you that you can do anything and that’s pretty much true from what I’ve seen. You’ve used that “I can do it” spirit along with your vision and leadership skills to inflame the hearts of many men and women to make their lives count for Christ. The reason they believe you is because you truly believe they also can do anything, as they trust our great God. Your nurturing qualities that cause you to plant trees, grow roses, and invest in the lives of young couples. Your faithfulness, your intuition, your servant heart towards me, the list goes on and on.

I spent weeks working on it. Once the writing was completed I had my “Statement of Love” printed, matted, and framed and gave it to my husband for his birthday. To say he was overwhelmed would be an understatement. “This is my best present ever,” Drew said with tears in his eyes.

A couple of years later, when I turned 50, I received my “best present ever.” Even though I had written a “Statement of Love” for my husband, I didn’t have any idea he would write one for me. When Drew handed me the frame I was speechless. His “Statement of Love” contained words of love for me, but more importantly it explained why he loved me. It was the story of our lives together told from his perspective.

Nowadays, both “Statements of Love” are displayed in our foyer, hanging on either side of a picture of my husband and me in our first year of marriage. It’s the first thing you see when you walk into our home. These statements are filled with words of intimate understanding, encouragement, and an appreciation for all God has done in bringing us together.

Unfortunately, in our busy day-to-day lives we don’t often stop to tell each other all that is in our hearts, but our “Statements of Love” are readily available for us to read. Often after we’ve had an argument we meet each other at the frames. We stand together, reading our “Statements of Love,” and instantly our perspectives change and our commitment to each other strengthens.

Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” Our “Statements of Love” are a testimony of our unity—two people becoming one. They are black and white documents of the miracle of marriage—a unique gift from God.

Writing your own statement of love

I would like to encourage you to write a statement of love to your spouse. Choose a special occasion to give it as a gift, and then start working on it. Don’t wait until the last minute—take your time, and make it special. Before you begin, ask yourself a few questions:

What characteristics do I love about my spouse?
What special memories do we have together?
What challenges have we gone through together?
How has my spouse changed me for the better?

This is not the time to be critical or sarcastic. This is your chance to pour out your heart. As you write, don’t worry about editing. Just put everything down, and then start rearranging. Soon, you’ll have a lovely document of love for the one you love most.

Words don’t cost anything, and yet when used the right way they are priceless … truly a gift of the heart.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Example: Statement of love to Drew

To the man I married. Well actually to the man, the man I married, has become. Where do I begin? I do remember the first time I saw you, you know. And as the story goes the Lord did put you in my heart from the very beginning. Back then I didn’t realize what a tremendous gift He was giving me. However I did know He was giving me all I had requested of Him in a husband. You were older than I was, had a graduate degree, “a professional engineer,” were gracious and chivalrous; a true Southern gentleman and looked like you were a model for GQ magazine. After my initial “surface” requirements were met I began to see the more important things like your heart for the Lord and your desire to serve Him fully with your life. There was so much for me to discover about this man that would become my best friend.

When I think of the people that influenced you as a child I can see why you are the man you are. Your Dad, even though you only knew him for 10 years, left you with “a man is as good as his word” and weekly date nights with your Mom. He wanted you close by and took you with him hunting and fishing. He treated you like the little man you were. He died too soon, but he left you with a picture of a man of integrity to build your character on. Your Mom then took over the job of moulding your life by herself. Your independence and your love of animals came from her. Also your love of reading, nature and all the warm, carefree memories of the camp are special gifts she gave you. And then there is General Robert E Lee. Not that you knew him of course, but, he modelled the honour of a Southern man. Leadership, courage, honesty, sacrifice; all qualities you eagerly adopted as part of your heritage as a Southern gentleman.

From the very beginning you wanted us to work as a team. Before we were even married you asked my opinion about giving more money than I had ever seen, to the Jesus Film. Money you had earned, that I had no part in, and yet you included me. That was one of the first qualities I discovered, your generosity. From school children to worldwide ministries, your desire to give has always been a joy to others.

Not long after that I began to realize your compassionate heart. Remember discussing “Hinds feet on High Places?” You still maintain to this day that you are “as hard as nails” but the many who have been on the receiving end of your compassion know better. Their hearts have been touched because your heart is readily available to others.

There are so many other qualities that I admire in you. Your creativity, that makes me look like I’m not creative at all compared to you. Your entrepreneurial spirit and original thinking; just because something hasn’t been done before doesn’t stop you. You have a sense about you that you can do anything and that’s pretty much true from what I’ve seen. You’ve used that “I can do it” spirit along with your vision and leadership skills to inflame the hearts of many men and women to make their lives count for Christ. The reason they believe you is because you truly believe they also can do anything, as they trust our great God. Your nurturing qualities that cause you to plant trees, grow roses, and invest in the lives of young couples. Your faithfulness, your intuition, your servant heart towards me, the list goes on and on.

Drew, you are a man who has committed his life to “doing the right thing whether anyone follows or not.” Because you are a man of integrity, “my dinosaur” I will always follow you. For I know the man that no one else does and he is worthy of all my respect.

Yes, my beloved is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend.
Oh daughters of Jerusalem.
Song of Songs 5:16

Love, Kit

Example: Statement of love to Kit

About this time 24 years ago I met Kit Quady the one I had heard so much about. She indeed was a beauty and exotic in a northern sort of manner. Obviously aloof, she didn’t seem to care much for me in our oft repeated story. But, God worked it out and gave me a life partner. Kit was worth waiting for all the years of bachelorhood that seemed so long. When Kit won the culturalization award in Africa, I knew that she could adapt to South Carolina. And indeed she won their hearts. The best thing I bring to any group is Kit. Everybody likes and respects her for her sincerity and concern for each individual. And to any group she brings a spiritual wisdom and maturity that enriches those around her. All occasions are more fun for everyone with Kit’s delightful good nature.

Kit’s foremost quality is perhaps loyalty. Early in our relationship she was faced with a critical choice of loyalty, being forced to choose between her commitment to Yemi her Campus Crusade Director and her desire to build a relationship with me. She chose to side with me, emotionally and actively. We left staff to pursue a future that although familiar to me, was a total unknown to Kit. “Your people shall be my people” she quoted Ruth. Our lives together have required many such choices and always she has chosen me as her highest heart commitment after God. This very biblical concept of oneness in Christ is one of the key ingredients God has used to cause our love to strengthen and endure.

In that unity, we have shared many hardships. Infertility, cancer, job problems, depression, injury and death have darkened our lives. There are undoubtedly many more hardships to come, as together we head toward the finish line. “Tough as a hickory nut”, I’ve called my teammate Kit. She has in fact faced a bear, ridden trains through Bulgaria, waded swamps in the dark, and helped me to beat better tennis teams. Indeed she has a hobbit like enduring quality that can bear up in the most difficult situations. The quality is grounded in a love of simple things like tea, and treats, and old movies on TV. But, the quality is magnified in a simple trust in her God and in her husband.

But, there have been many more good times than hardships. Remember when we saw the bear catch a fish? Dined on the reef in Fiji? Walked the China wall? Cris-crossed Europe on the trains? The joy of Kit’s companionship has made the hard times bearable. Without Kit, the good times would have been merely bearable. And there are still more good times to anticipate as we gain control of our lives, rejoice in the service of our Lord, and capitalize on the opportunities that service gives to us.

Kit is truly a class package without being ostentatious. You can’t buy that type of class. She can make things so nice, with so little. Our home is and has always been a tribute to her good taste and creativity, a reflection of herself. And what a gifted hostess she is! Every person through our door is treated as though they individually were special and among the most important persons in our lives. From the butter curls to the poppy seed bread, every occasion is special and a lasting memory for those who grace our home.

Most importantly, we’ve been together to the front lines for Jesus Christ. Kit has been a good helper in all that God has put before us. “Do what is in your heart” she quoted Jonathan’s shield bearer. Who would have imagined that we would have had such opportunities that are unavailable to most people including many who are honestly better Christians than we. How many times in how many places have we stood together to present and to represent God’s biblical plan for marriage? How many lives have been changed? The challenges seem to grow harder and harder. Honestly, this is a struggle that I grow weary of. Jesus is welcome to blow the trumpet and to return any time. Only Kit’s unflagging partnership allows me to go on. God is thereby honoring her faith in all we are privileged to do. Together let us go forward and finish the course.

Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all.
Prov 31:29

Love, Drew

When you’re pregnant with your third child, sex isn’t usually high on the priority list. Sleep and chocolate are. But one strange day when I was about 13 weeks pregnant, I was actually looking forward to some romance on a Friday night. Earlier in the day, my highlight had been devouring pita chips and garlic hummus.

I changed my clothes and got ready for my evening of romance. My husband, James, walked in, and as he drew close, he stopped dead in his tracks.

“What is that smell?”

It took two seconds to figure out it was my beloved garlic hummus.

“I can smell you and that garlic in every room,” he moaned.

I apologized and winked.

He hesitated and replied, “I don’t know if I can handle your breath.”

You probably know what happened next. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My breath was the deal killer. After he talked himself into plugging his nose and taking the plunge, I was no longer in the mood. Romance dies quickly after any kind of confrontation involving Listerine.

Whether it’s bad breath, a headache, that time of the month, or hot flashes, something often gets in the way of romance. Sometimes it’s your spouse; sometimes it’s you. How can a couple overcome these roadblocks to intimacy in a respectful way that doesn’t offend either partner?

I don’t really have a headache

It’s the classic bedroom scene of the couple that’s been married for a few years. The husband inches toward his wife in bed and gives her the look. She sighs and says, “I’m sorry, dear. I have a headache and just don’t feel like myself.”

From a wife’s perspective, she’s thinking, Please leave me alone. I just want to go to bed. It isn’t meant to be an insult to her husband.

From what I’ve heard, many men are thinking, You’ve been having a lot of headaches lately. I don’t think you care about me anymore.

Radio talk show host Dennis Prager, in an article titled “When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood: Part 1,” encourages the wife to rethink the axiom that if she’s not in the mood, she doesn’t have to make love to her husband.

Women need to recognize how a man understands a wife’s refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives.

If your husband became quiet and distant, wouldn’t you want to know what was going on? And if he told you he was upset about the lack of sex in your marriage, how would you respond?

Too often women blame their mood when it comes to making love. If you wait until you are in the mood to go to work, head to the gym, or change your baby’s diaper, you might be sitting on the couch for quite some time. Every day, you decide to behave in ways that go against your mood. Yet somehow when it comes to sex, mood trumps everything else.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Sex in boots

I sprained my ankle badly last year and wore a big black boot up to my knee. I wasn’t bathing every day, and on one particular day I had greasy hair because I was planning to get a haircut later that day. My kids had gone over to my parents to give me time to write. Three words described my state: gimpy, greasy, gross.

In walked Casanova with a dozen white roses. It was such a sweet gesture. A little bit later, James walked up to my desk and asked if, you know, we had time for “wink wink.” I could have said I felt too gross. I could have reminded him that this was the first time I had been able to write in days. But instead I said, “How about in a half hour?”

Did I feel sensuous wearing my clunky black ankle boot? Did I want to have sex instead of getting some work done? Not really. Did it make sense to make time for sex? Definitely. It had been a long time since we were alone in the house without the kids. I found out that if you do the right thing, your mood will follow your behavior. Besides, don’t people say black boots are sexy?

It’s not the boot, it’s …

What’s killing your love life lately? Since it’s probably not garlic or a big black boot, maybe you’re struggling with one of the following.

I am hurt by something my husband said. While it’s true our husbands can say things that require a grand apology, many times they unwittingly hit a hot button or say something small that gets blown out of proportion. When James asks, “What have you been doing all day?” that makes my blood boil. I have to learn how to snap out of the defensive mode and answer the question calmly. (By the way, I have instructed him not to use this question anymore.)

I am exhausted, really. You have pressures with your work, caring for family members, and keeping your household running. Those nights when you can barely brush your teeth, let alone make love to your husband, will come. Do your best to carve out time each week for lovemaking when you’re not so tired.

I am preoccupied with all I have to do. When your head hits the pillow, you’re not thinking what would feel best sexually. You’re thinking of how you’re going to deal with that difficult person at work, what you’re going to wear to the party, and how you’re going to get to the grocery store tomorrow since the schedule’s so tight. A place to jot your thoughts down before bed may help silence that nagging to-do list.

From duty to decision

Should a wife have sex with her husband out of duty or obligation? In a personal interview I conducted of Joyce Penner, sexual therapist and co-author of The Gift of Sex, she offered a helpful answer to this question.

We like sex best when we have the desire for it. But there are stages in life when we won’t have the desire for it, like when the kids are young and we’re exhausted. Duty sex and demand sex never work. When you do it out of obligation, it may work for tonight but not long term. But sex by decision can work, and there’s a big difference.

Duty says, “I know he needs it. He’s a man. It’s been seven days. But I’m tired and I don’t feel like it.” That’s duty sex, and it’s not going to work. Sex by decision says, “You know what, it’s been seven days. I know I need it, and I know we need it. Let’s make a plan for how we can make it the best for both of us.” It’s got to be as good for her as it is for him if it’s going to work for a lifetime.

Wives need to design life so we can get with the program sexually rather than saying I need to put out even when I’m exhausted because he needs it. That will never work.

When you make the decision to honor your marriage bed, both you and your husband will benefit sexually. So the next time garlic, stress, mood, or anything else threatens your love life, make the switch from duty to decision and go for it.

Q: My husband has gained a very unattractive amount of weight. It really turns me off. Before we were married, he was real committed to losing weight and keeping it off, but at some point he gave up. What do you do when you have absolutely no attraction to your husband?

Dennis: There are a couple sides to this issue. On one hand, it’s not wrong for a woman to want her husband to look attractive. For that matter, both husbands or wives ought not to feel guilty for being “jealous” in the best sense of that word that their spouse continue to cultivate the sense of attractiveness that helped create the romance in their relationship to begin with.

Barbara: This is a difficult problem because weight is an important issue for physical health and for healthy relationships. An important ingredient of any marriage is the need for husbands and wives to please each other. They should learn what pleases the other person, and then seek to do it. Obviously a husband can’t lose weight overnight, but if he is seeking to please his wife, then he can make an effort to look sharp and attractive.

At the same time, we live in a very image-oriented culture, where sexual attraction is so often tied to physical appearance. Weight does matter, but there are other issues more important in a person’s life than the external appearance.

I would pray that God would help you focus on the things that matter most-your husband’s spiritual maturity and his leadership of the family and the marriage, character, faithfulness at work and at home-all those kinds of issues. If the relationship is healthy and he is meeting your needs and encouraging you and loving you and you are focusing on what is most important, I think the old statement, “Love is blind” is true. This doesn’t have to get in the way.

Then, I would pray that the Lord would grant you opportunities to express how you feel in a gentle and supportive way. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Dennis: Find a way to communicate this value to your husband-whether by letter, over a cup of coffee, a date night, etc., and let him know how important this is to you as a person. I would also challenge you with Proverbs 4:23, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” Ask God to not let you become embittered toward your husband. Don’t become preoccupied with the negative, but give him some grace, and love him. One of the things that I fear for any relationship is a critical spirit. It will destroy romance; a marriage; and a family.

Barbara: A similar problem occurs when a wife gains weight, especially from childbirth. She may feel unattractive or even rejected because her husband may not be initiating romance as he was before.

Dennis: Often it can take a year to work that weight off, and with each child the weight comes off slower each time. A husband needs to be patient and verbally express his love and affection for his wife.

Barbara: The husband needs to follow the same advice we just gave the wife. He needs to look at his attitude, at what is most important.

Dennis: Husbands and wives both need to step out as an act of their will and seek to meet each other’s needs. A husband needs to care for his wife and live with her in an understanding way.

My final thought is that there are a number of weight loss programs available, most of which don’t work in the long run-a person loses weight but then ends up putting it back on, plus more. To me, if you are serious about losing weight and keeping it off for the long haul, something has to be changed at the very core about the way you think about food. Find a weight loss program that takes people through a biblical process of committing that aspect of your life to the Lord and ask Him to give you strength and wisdom.

Q: During our first couple of years of marriage, we had sex quite often. Now it seems as if my wife’s appetite for sex has diminished and this is tough on me. What can I do?

Barbara: I think that what you are experiencing is a very common problem in marriage relationships. There could be several underlying causes to this problem in a marriage. Specifically, here are a few possibilities that I would investigate.

First, there might be baggage from her past that is beginning to surface in the relationship. It could be related to things that happened to her before or after your marriage. Your wife may have experienced hurt in the few years of your marriage that, although unrelated to the sexual aspect of your relationship, is affecting her ability to respond to you. If she feels emotionally hurt or unloved, she will be unwilling or unable to open herself up to the vulnerability of sexual intimacy.

Another cause could be the addition of children into the family. I am assuming that, in your situation, there might be a new child or two in the marriage now. Suddenly your wife has transitioned from filling the role of wife, focusing on her husband, to filling the roles of wife and mother. Now she has both a husband and a child who need her. Most women require time to adjust to this change and to learn how to balance both roles. Often women struggle to find that delicate balance.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Dennis: As newlyweds, we begin our relationship with intense feelings. Researchers have told us that those feelings can last anywhere from two hours to two weeks to two years. Over the long haul, a marriage cannot survive on those emotions. When the strong feelings begin to wear off—and they will—you begin to discover the flat side of emotions. Then people begin to have difficulty meeting each other emotionally and sexually.

I think communication can be the key to saving the intimacy. Husband and wife need to clearly, consistently communicate their expectations to each other. Communication about sexual expectations should occur when both of you are calm and not in conflict. Perhaps you can even express your disappointment and hopes best in a written form so that neither of you has the opportunity to become defensive.

I also think it’s very important for wives to understand how risky sexual intimacy is for a man. I do not think women recognize how much a man’s confidence is affected by his performance in the act of sexual intercourse. A rejection by his wife can cut to the very core of a man’s self-esteem.

It is important, if she turns him down, that she does it in a way that communicates respect for him as a man. She needs to communicate to him that his sex drive is not dirty and he should not feel guilty for wanting to be with her. Secondly, she needs to affirm him in who he is as a man and plan with him a time when they can be intimate. Although it may sound mechanical, scheduling some times for intimacy would probably not be inappropriate in our busy culture.

I will never forget a headline I saw in USA Today a number of years ago: “Jobs sap couples’ craving for sex.” The article detailed how today’s husbands and wives, exhausted from their work and families, have no energy left to be creative with one another in the sexual dimension of the marriage relationship.

Barbara: I would also like to emphasize the woman’s need for quality time and communication in the relationship. One of the things I enjoy most is talking with Dennis. I think most women have similar emotional needs. If husbands will continue to date their wives, court them, spend time with them and make them feel loved, wives will be more likely to respond and be interested in the sexual area of the relationship.

Learn more about Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Have you ever read stories about how couples got engaged? We’ve come across some real winners!

One man proposed to his girlfriend, a kindergarten teacher, by making an announcement over the school’s public address system during class. Another pre-recorded his proposal and arranged for it to be aired on a local radio station in the middle of his girlfriend’s favorite song. It seems there is no end to our innovation when we’re trying to win the one we love.

So what is it about marriage that seems to dull our romantic creativity? At some point in almost every marriage, a couple realizes their engagement was like an exciting introduction to a dull book.

Romance is not the foundation of a marriage. It is the fire in the fireplace—the warmth and security of a relationship that says, “We may have struggles, but I love you, and everything is okay.” We ought to make romance a part of our everyday diet in our marriage relationship. Look at what the Bible speaks of in Proverbs 5:18-19: “… and rejoice in the wife of your youth, as a loving hind and graceful doe, let her breast satisfy you at all times. Be exhilarated always with her love.”

That’s a powerful image—to be literally exhilarated by your spouse. This type of romance is part of what sets a marriage apart from just a friendship. My wife, Barbara, is my friend, but there is also a side of our friendship that goes way beyond that—we share a marriage bed together, and we have dreams and exchange intimacies that are shared with nobody else on this planet. That’s what God intended, we believe, in the marriage relationship.

God created romance

We find it interesting that God found romance and sex so important that He dedicated an entire book in the Bible, Song of Solomon, to encourage us to experience it. This poetic book provides a rich description of what a romantic, sexual relationship between man and wife should be like. Just look at how the book begins: “May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! … Draw me after you and let us run together!” (Song of Solomon 1:2,4).

Throughout the book, Solomon and his beloved, Shulamith, talk enthusiastically about romance, sexual love, and each other’s bodies. Note what Solomon says about Shulamith:

“How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist. Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks mixed wine; your belly is like a heap of wheat fenced about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle … Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’ Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the fragrances of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine!” (Song of Solomon 7:1-3, 7-9)

And Shulamith does not mince words either: “My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand … and he is wholly desirable” (Song of Solomon 5:10, 16a).

Made in God’s image

Romantic love is a part of God’s character. He made us in His image, and He gave us emotions. Just as He woos us to follow after Him and express our love for Him, so a husband and wife attempt to win each other’s affections. We believe husbands and wives are modeling what God is up to as He pursues individuals.

In his classic book, My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers writes, “Human nature if it is healthy demands excitement. And if it does not obtain its thrilling excitement in the right way it will seek it in the wrong. God never made bloodless stoics, He made passionate saints.”

We love that quote because that’s the picture of how God loves His people. He wired us to have excitement and thrill and adventure. Romantic love was meant to sweep us along in a steady current all the way through married life. While we cannot base marriage solely on romantic feelings, we also can’t deny our need for the closeness and intimacy. Without those qualities in a relationship, a couple will drift into isolation.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Rekindling the fire

If you are experiencing severe physical, emotional, or verbal abuse in your marriage, you probably need to focus on those issues before you worry about romance. But most of us could use some more romance, no matter how good our marriage relationship is. You can’t expect the intense feelings of engagement and early marriage to last. You’ll need a game plan so that you can fall back on your commitment to one another during those times when your feelings waver. You’ll need to spend the rest of your life learning how to romance your spouse.

Christian marriage was meant to be an exciting adventure. So if you want to put some spark back into your relationship, we have two tips.

1. Become a student of your spouse.

It can be difficult for a man to remember to cultivate the intimate relationship his wife needs. Women, however, are motivated by relationship. They might prefer sitting by the fire or spending time talking, and they end up resenting their husbands’ sex drive. You can imagine the potential for unmet expectations. It’s a lesson I (Dennis) learned the hard way.

Early in our marriage, some friends surprised Barbara and me by sending us to Mexico for a much-needed vacation. We had a suite with a balcony, and one evening enjoyed a spectacular dinner on the beach with the balmy breezes blowing ever so gently over our table. Then we went back to our room where the candles were lit, the windows were open, and romantic music drifted up from below, with the muffled crash of the surf in the background.

The moon was peeking through the clouds over the ocean. It was a perfect evening. Barbara was spectacularly beautiful. It was the perfect moment for love and romance, but there was one problem—an imperfect man. I tried to rush things physically while Barbara was focused on the relational. She wanted to be held tenderly and enjoy the beauty of the moment, while I was in a hurry.

When she didn’t respond, I got so angry I threw a bottle of hand lotion through a window! The romance was shattered, and the evening ruined. We both shed tears, and I confessed my selfishness and lack of sensitivity to her need. I vowed that in the future I would learn to do a better job of denying myself, quit making demands on her, and be more patient. As we both look back, it was a pivotal point in the development of our relationship.

2. Take time to plan creative romance.

Do something different, out of the ordinary, something that will capture your spouse’s attention. Now, I want you to know that for many years I’ve thought of myself as a pretty creative, romantic man. Then I heard of the “Men of the Titanic.”

This group of men resolved to demonstrate that they love their wives sacrificially. They named themselves after the men who sacrificed their lives so their wives and children could board lifeboats as that infamous ocean liner sank back in 1912.

For six months they planned the most incredible evening a woman could imagine. Every detail was carefully shaped around what would mean the most to their wives. First, the wives received handwritten invitations, and limousines arrived to pick them up to take them to a banquet hall the men had rented. As the harpist played in the background, gentlemen greeted ladies with a courtly bow.

Each wife was escorted to her place where a beautiful embroidered napkin and corsage awaited her. The husbands had been trained on how to serve the meal, and they presented an impeccable six-course dinner to their wives—an exact replica of the meal served in the first-class dining on the night the Titanic sank. They even sang love songs between courses!

Love letters

After the meal, one of the men read a letter that he said was written by a man as he watched his wife float away in a lifeboat. All eyes were on him as he read the letter, full of love and praise and affection for his wife. As he finished the letter, he revealed that he had actually written the letter himself for his wife. Each man in turn presented a similar letter to his own wife, written on parchment and tied with a ribbon. The beautiful evening concluded with a song thought to have been sung as the Titanic sank—in perfect harmony the men sang “Nearer My God to Thee.”

When I interviewed one of the men on FamilyLife Today, he said, “There was something sacred about the entire evening. It was a celebration of our wives as gifts from God to us!”

The Men of the Titanic went on to plan other special adventures for their wives. One event had a medieval theme, complete with a knight’s quest, an enchanted forest, ballroom dancing, and a coronation ceremony. Afterward, one wife said of her husband: “He tells me he loves me in words and by the things he does, but this was such a big thing … It isn’t that Frank isn’t a romantic, but this definitely fanned the flame!”

Use your own creativity

Men, how do you feel after reading that? Under the pile, like I did? The question, however, is not whether you want to create your own local chapter of the Men of the Titanic, but whether you will make the effort to find creative ways to express how much you appreciate and value your wife. And, I could give the same challenge to wives as well!

Rekindling the romance in your marriage doesn’t require a lot of money, and it often doesn’t even take much time. What you do need is the commitment to do it. Like any good fire in the fireplace, it needs attention and fuel. The warmth is worth it!

Excerpted from Simply Romantic^® Nights: Igniting Passion in Your Marriage (Volume 1). Used by permission of FamilyLife. Excerpt may not be reproduced without the prior written consent of FamilyLife.

People are often surprised to find out that God approves of romance and sex. But God doesn’t just approve of it, He created it for marriage and He encourages it! That’s one reason why He devoted an entire book of the Bible, Song of Solomon, to the theme of romantic love between a husband and wife. Song of Solomon 5:1 says, ” … Drink and imbibe deeply, O lovers.” To imbibe means to take in, or absorb. God is inviting us not just to participate in intimacy, but to drink in and enjoy this gift of romantic love that He offers all married couples!

Too often, couples become bored in their relationships because they do little to keep passionate romance alive. It does take time and energy, but the joy you can experience through an intimate and exciting relationship with your spouse is well worth the investment. Still, many of us can use some help getting started in this area. So here are ten creative ways to add some sugar and spice to your marriage.

1. Put the kids to bed early, and get all dressed up for a candle-lit dinner at home. Play soft music and prepare something to eat that you both really like. Make the effort to look especially nice for your spouse!

2. Take a walk at night, holding hands. Stop to look at the stars, and pick out “your” star. Then whenever you see that star in the sky, think about your spouse.

3. Pretend you each have five wishes. Take turns telling each other what you’d wish for. While you probably won’t be able to grant these wishes, let these ideas be inspiration for something special you can do for your spouse.

4. Think of 10 things you love about your spouse, and write those in a love letter. You don’t have to sound like Shakespeare; if it’s sincere, your spouse will think it’s the best thing ever written.

5. Give each other massages. If you want to make it extra special, find a book that teaches how to give massages, and buy massage oil.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

6. Wives: Ask you husband to pick out something for you to wear to bed.

7. Husbands: Spend time just holding, cuddling, and talking to your wife without expecting more.

8. Find a gift box or bag that you can pass back and forth to each other with small presents inside (this can include candy, a meaningful letter, tickets to a show—anything at all). Don’t let your spouse know when you’re going to give a gift—let the surprise be part of the fun!

9. On a warm, sunny day, spread out a blanket in a shady spot in the grass somewhere nearby—maybe even in your own yard—and have a picnic lunch. After you eat, lie down on the blanket and look at the sky. Try to find shapes in the clouds. This should open the door to some interesting conversations!

10. Make a coupon book for your spouse. Include coupons for things he likes to do (such as eat at a nice restaurant) or things you will do for him (such as wash the car). Allow him to redeem the coupons whenever he likes.

Remember that the best inspiration we have for creativity is God. He created everything, so He is the Master of creativity! Pray that He will help you to learn ways to please your spouse and keep your relationship fresh and alive.

God created us with hundreds of thousands of microscopic nerve endings in our skin designed to sense and benefit from a loving touch. A tender touch tells us that we are cared for. It can calm our fears, soothe pain, bring us comfort, or give us the blessed satisfaction of emotional security. As adults, touching continues to be a primary means of communicating with those we love, whether we are conscious of it or not. Our need for a caring touch is normal and healthy and we will never outgrow it.

But if touching is so valuable and pleasurable, why is it necessary to advise couples to do more of it? The answer lies in our culture. While our western civilization is highly sexual, it frowns on or ignores touching apart from sex. This is particularly true for men, for there are only three acceptable kinds of touching in today’s world: the superficial handshake, aggressive contact sports, and the sexual encounter. Men have been conditioned to turn to sex whenever they feel any need for loving closeness. No wonder experts believe that our extreme preoccupation with sex in this society is actually an expression of our deep, unsatisfied need for the warmth, reassurance, and intimacy of nonsexual touching.

Those of you who begin to practice physical touching in your marriage in all of its pleasant nonsexual forms will find that you may be having sex a little less often, but enjoying it much more. Snuggling and cuddling, sleeping close to each other, sharing affection through simple touch, will meet many of the emotional needs that you hoped sex would provide. At the same time, this pattern of affectionate closeness provides a delightful prelude to the entire sex relationship, preparing the way emotionally for wonderful times together.

Physical contact is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love. You may take it as a sobering warning that most of the time marital infidelity is not so much a search for sex as it is for emotional intimacy. The Scriptures indicate that touching a woman kindles a flame that should be natural within marriage. If you would like to kindle a flame in your own marriage, then begin to show your love through physical touching.

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!

Twenty-five suggestions for nonsexual touching:

When dating, young people can scarcely be kept apart. Most married couples have forgotten how much fun physical closeness can be! So set aside practice times at night (at least once a week) to learn the delights of nonsexual body caressing. Make a date ahead of time. Anticipate pleasure and relaxation together.
Show each other where you like to be touched and the kind of touch that pleases you. Usually, a light touch is the most thrilling. Be imaginative in the way you caress.
Remember the purpose: to establish a good emotional climate of warmth, love, and affection; not to initiate sex. If sex results later because you both want it, that’s all right. But you need to learn to enjoy nonsexual touching during these exercise times.
Demonstrate to each other how you prefer to be held. Kiss your partner the way you would like to be kissed—not to criticize past performances, but to communicate something your partner has not sensed before.
Use lotion or baby oil in body caressing; use K-Y Jelly when touching the more sensitive areas of the body. Physical caressing should be totally pleasant.
Try caressing (not tickling!) each other’s feet. For almost everyone this is a pleasurable and non-threatening form of touch communication. Some people bathe, dry, and oil each other’s feet gently and leisurely.
Cleanliness is essential for enjoyment of these sessions.
Some evenings take your shower or bath together. Make this a lighthearted, sensuous experience.
Americans habitually do everything in a rush, including lovemaking. But to learn the art of expressing warm, sensual feelings, you will have to slow down. If what you are doing feels good, take the time to enjoy it. This may become the best part of your day.
Caress each other’s back. Pay special attention to the back of the neck at the hairline and the area just above the small of the back.
Maintain a positive attitude (the attitude of yes, rather than no). If some manner of caressing or the area chosen does not feel particularly enjoyable, gently lead your partner on to something you do like. Never say, “Stop doing that!” or similar words. The atmosphere should be delightfully permissive.
Practice communicating warmth. Learn to be emotionally aware of your own feelings and those of your partner. Focus on expressing your love through the medium of touch. Caress each other’s face in the dark, becoming more aware of your partner and spelling out love through sensitive fingertips.
Make sure that both of you are having equal opportunity to give and to receive. Take turns giving pleasure to each other.
When you caress, use a slow, tender, appreciative touch, indicating how much you enjoy your partner’s body—each part of it. When people feel negative about some part of their body, it is more difficult for them to relate freely to their partner. Help your mate realize that every part of his or her body is pleasing, attractive, and desirable to you.
Develop positive feelings toward your own body given to you by God. This is biblical! Meditate on Psalm 139. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:14 NIV).
Communicate verbally during your exercises, telling each other what you especially enjoy and how it makes you feel.
Sleep in as few clothes as possible at night. Clothes are only a hindrance during these touching sessions.
Practice breathing together in rhythm, both of you lying on your side, the other pressed up against your back, hand on your abdomen to gauge your breathing and adjust his rhythm to yours. Then reverse places and do it again.
Try to go to bed when your partner does every night.
Have a period of fifteen to thirty minutes every night to lie in each other’s arms in the dark before you drift off to sleep. Whisper together, sharing private thoughts and pleasant little experiences of the day. Avoid controversial or negative topics. This is the time to build intimacy and wind down for sleep. You will become used to sharing things with each other that you would not otherwise mention. In each other’s arms the hurts and frustrations of the day are healed. You may want to pray together at this time, or just relax in the comfort of physically-felt love.
Establish the cozy habit of staying in some sort of physical contact while you are going to sleep—a hand or a leg touching your partner’s, for instance.
Begin every day with a few minutes of cuddling and snuggling before you get out of bed. A husband can tell his wife how nice she feels and how glad he is to be close to her. A wife can nestle in her husband’s arms and tell him she wishes they didn’t have to leave each other that morning. Just be close and savor gentle physical contact for a while. It will make the morning bout with the alarm clock far more pleasant, so allow a few minutes in your schedule for this, even though one or both of you must soon be up and off to work.
Hold hands often. Think of all the different ways you can enjoy just touching with your hands, and all the different feelings that can be conveyed.
Become aware of the many ways you can have physical contact in the course of a week. Touch when you are talking and maintain eye contact. Sit close to each other in church. Kiss each other when there is no occasion for it. Add variety to your kisses, your touches, and your love pats.
While you watch television, make sure you sit close together and use the time for some physical communication. A wise wife will cuddle close to her husband when he chooses to watch his football games, even if she is not interested in the program. Since so many people spend so much time before the TV set, it need not be wasted if they are at least together physically

Everything was ready.

Already the parents of two girls, Jessica and Derek Nichols were thrilled when they learned they would have a baby boy. They named him Gavin. A soccer coach for the University of Central Arkansas, Derek had dreamed of teaching his little boy how to kick a ball … with his wife cheering them on.

By the time Jessica was 37 weeks pregnant, the nursery had been repainted in earth tones. The diapers were neatly stacked, and a comfy rocking chair stood by the crib.

On the morning of July 13, 2012, Jessica thought she was in labor, and Derek rushed her to the hospital. His mom captured the excitement of 5-year-old Haley and 4-year-old Kensey on videotape after they left: “Mom and Dad went to the hospital to have Gavin!”

And then … everything changed.

Something felt wrong

Arriving at the hospital, Jessica was admitted through the emergency room. Her pains were similar to those she had with her two daughters. But they were also different, sharper and in the upper part of her back … and she was nauseated. She sensed that something was wrong, and told Derek that she felt like she was having a heart attack.

Her blood pressure became dangerously high and her left arm became numb. She told the labor and delivery nurse that things just weren’t right.

Thankfully the nurse consulted the doctors, who ordered an MRI. They began looking for blockage in Jessica’s heart and stopped her labor.

Soon afterward Jessica was moved to the cardiac care unit. She gasped for breaths as fluid began overflowing in her lungs. The doctors were trying to figure out what was going on when she passed out.

The problem was that all this was happening with a woman who was about to give birth. The doctors met with Derek and explained what would happen if Jessica didn’t make it: The surgeon would have just six minutes to get Gavin. The baby would immediately be taken to Arkansas Children’s Hospital, one of the best pediatric hospitals in the world.

Derek was adamant that the doctors should try to save both mother and child. “I want both of them!” he said.

So Jessica was put on life support, and she began to breathe with the help of a ventilator.

A risky surgery

A special dye was injected into Jessica’s heart, and x-ray images were taken to track the dye’s movement. The problem was finally located: The main vessels in the front of her heart were torn. Her heart was so weak that she could not live through any type of delivery—natural or Cesarean.

Open-heart surgery on a woman about to deliver a baby is very rare and very risky. A surgeon said he was willing to try the difficult procedure. He said if it was successful and the baby survived, then he would be delivered two weeks later.

The surgery began early on a Sunday morning while Derek and many others waited … and prayed. After about six hours, Jessica’s surgeon called her immediate family into a small room. He said the surgery had gone well, and he was hopeful Jessica would survive; the next 48 hours were critical. But he also said the baby’s heart had slowed during the most crucial time of the surgery, eventually stopping. They had lost Gavin.

Derek could hardly comprehend what he had just heard: His only son had died … His wife might survive?

How could he raise the girls alone? Hadn’t he, and so many others, begged God to spare both Jessica’s and Gavin’s lives? Where was God?

Although most people are taken off of a ventilator a few hours after open-heart surgery, Jessica was on life support for about two days. Her body finally responded on the fourth try to take her off of the ventilator.

Waking from surgery, she saw Derek and her family surrounding her bed. Derek was dreading how to tell his wife about Gavin. But before he could let Jessica know, she pointed to the ceiling. With tubes still in her throat, she pointed up again and then to her tear-filled eyes. At first the family couldn’t understand what she was trying to communicate. Then her mother said, “You saw God.”

Jessica nodded her head, Yes! Yes! Somehow she already knew that Gavin was with the Lord.

Surrounded by loved ones and medical staff scurrying in and out of her room, Jessica had an overwhelming sense of peace. “It was like His Holy Spirit was [saying], ‘Everything is going to be okay,’” she recalls.

A risky delivery

The peace that everything would be okay did not remove the fact that Gavin had died. Jessica was still carrying her son.

The doctors had hoped to postpone Gavin’s stillborn delivery for two more weeks, allowing Jessica’s fragile body a chance to heal and form needed scar tissue. But one week after her surgery, her labor began in earnest.

It became “game time” for three different teams at the hospital—obstetric, cardiac, and medical. There were so many unknowns. Could Jessica’s heart withstand the stress of childbirth?

The Nichols clung to what Jessica calls God’s promise to her after losing Gavin: that everything would be okay.

During Jessica’s labor, Derek and their immediate family formed a prayer circle at the head of her bed.

There was no baby’s cry when Gavin was delivered. That’s when reality hit home for Jessica: Her baby boy would never come home.

The nurses wrapped Gavin in a receiving blanket and placed him into his mother’s arms. Tears fell from Derek’s and Jessica’s eyes.

Countless thoughts raced through Jessica’s head: I can’t believe he’s finally here. … I can’t believe he’s really not here. … Is this really for real? … Thank you, God, for giving me this moment.

Jessica touched Gavin’s perfectly formed fingers and toes. She thanked God for allowing her to be with him, at least for a little while on earth.

Later the doctors told Jessica that Gavin had actually saved her life. She had come to the hospital because she thought she was in labor, allowing her to be in the right place at the right time. If she had been at home when the main vessels in her heart tore, it’s likely that both she and Gavin would have died.

Coming home

Two days after delivering Gavin, Jessica was discharged from the hospital. The tubes and wires were finally removed, and she was trying to get control of her body again.

But before Jessica left, she and Derek were given a warning: “Fifty percent of all marriages result in divorce after the death of a child.”

Glancing at one another, the Nichols vowed their marriage would make it. They were determined that Gavin’s death would not destroy their relationship.

“For us,” Derek says, “that’s not an option. We are strong-willed and we knew we would make it through.”

Jessica was overflowing with pain and grief on the drive home from the hospital. Her body ached with every bump and turn. Then the dam holding her pent-up emotions finally broke. Knowing she would never bear more children, she questioned out loud, “Why do some people have kids who don’t even want them? Why was the life of their son taken away?”

As Jessica and Derek pulled into their driveway, their two girls were excited that Mom and Dad were finally coming home. Haley and Kensey thought that Gavin was coming home with them, too. They knew their mother had gotten sick at the hospital, but little more.

Derek and Jessica asked the girls to come into their bedroom, and Derek bent down and told them about Gavin.

Five-year-old Haley smiled and her eyes brightened, “Gavin’s with God!” she said.

Those words of childlike faith reminded the Nichols that Gavin was fine. That he really was with the Lord.

“That was a huge moment,” Jessica says, “that little glimpse of Haley’s joy.”

Fear and doubt

Despite the girls’ initial joy that Gavin was with the Lord, the day-to-day reality of his loss was hard on the entire family. Jessica was not only grieving the loss of Gavin, but also recovering from life-saving surgery. She could hardly walk from the car into the house.

She knew what had happened to Gavin, yet was drowsy from medication. She often asked herself, “Is this real?” Physically unable to care for herself, much less the girls, she relied on the help of others.

Jessica had to lie in an elevated position and usually slept in a recliner. She missed snuggling with her husband at night, and sometimes felt isolated.

Two weeks after her open-heart surgery she had been told that she would probably need more heart surgery. “My mental state was not the best at all,” she says, “and I had a lot of fear … I was afraid my heart would give way again.”

It was often difficult for her to drift to sleep as she recalled going into labor at night … and then needing surgery. When she was tempted to doubt God’s plan and goodness, she remembered His promise to her in the hospital, “Everything is going to be alright.”

“I hear a baby crying”

Jessica’s mind, body, and emotions had much healing to do. Her entire body had been seriously stressed when her heart was stopped during the surgery. And she was not just a heart patient. She was also a grieving mother who had lost a child and also knew that she would never bear more children.

During the first weeks of her recovery, there were times when she thought she heard Gavin crying. She would struggle to get up and search for him. When she told Derek about this, he called a doctor and was relieved to learn this was normal.

That’s when Derek and Jessica took the “crying baby” to God in prayer. Soon after the imaginary crying stopped. Rather than search for Gavin in the nursery, she went there to find comfort as she wept and prayed.

Prayer became very important to Jessica and Derek during her recovery. Day after day they held hands and asked God to help them. Most of the time Jessica just couldn’t get the words out. So Derek prayed—that God would heal his wife’s body, for their marriage to be strong, for God to strengthen their relationship.

He thanked God over and over that Jessica had come home. And he asked for God’s peace in their minds, hearts, and home.

Trusting God

It’s now been almost two years since Jessica and Derek drove to the hospital, expecting to deliver their third child. Through their faith and through regular communication, they’ve grown closer to one another and to God. “If you let God make you become one,” Derek says, “He will.”

But life is still not easy. Even today, there are times when Haley or Kensey will wake up and tell their parents, “I miss Gavin.”

Jessica answers, “Well, that’s okay. I miss him too.”

Jessica says she trusts in the goodness of God and often reminds herself of the truths in Jeremiah 29:11-13: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for evil … I will hear you … when you seek me with all your heart.’”

Now, when the Nichols have nightly devotions with their girls, they send their love to both God and Gavin. “Gavin is not here on earth,” Jessica says, “but he is very much alive and well.”

Not too long ago Derek and Jessica were talking with the girls about miracles. Kensey asked, “If God answers prayers and creates miracles, why can’t I ask Him to bring Gavin back?”

But the fact is there are simply some things we will never understand on this side of eternity. As 1 Corinthians 13:12 tells us, “We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright!”

So Jessica told Kensey something that she believes with all of her heart: In eternity, things will make sense … even the loss of Gavin.

Facing tragedy, or life storms of any kind, can be extremely difficult. But in the midst of heartache and pain, you can find the hope and courage to go on. With God’s help, the help of caring family members and friends, and the encouragement found in the Bible and other resources, you will receive the necessary strength to overcome.

You may be thinking, I don’t know how I could ever get through this. Or you may be battling powerful feelings of despair, suffering, confusion, fear, worry, and even anger. These are all normal responses to tragedy.

But as difficult as this life storm may be, you are not alone. God is with you always. He loves you, and cares about what is going on in your life. He hears your cries and sees your pain. Moreover, He understands.

The Bible says, “And it was necessary for Jesus to be like us, his brothers, so that he could be our merciful and faithful High Priest before God, a Priest who would be both merciful to us and faithful to God … For since He himself has now been through suffering … He knows what it is like when we suffer … and He is wonderfully able to help us” (Hebrews 2:17-18 TLB). Whatever we endure, His care is certain, His love is unfailing, and His promises are secure.

God Has Not Forgotten You is a 31-day devotional with inspirational readings that contain life application steps to draw you closer to God and to encourage you to rely on Him to bring you safely through this present “storm” in your life. The following 7-day devotional is a portion of the full version; if you find this free sample encouraging, we recommend you work through the entire resource, which you can find by visiting our online store and searching for: God Has Not Forgotten You.

It is our prayer that this devotional will provide comfort, strength, encouragement, and healing for you and your family, and that through its pages you will discover extraordinary hope and the blessing of victory that only He can give. May God bless you and keep you always in His care, on this journey and beyond.

Day 1: You Are Not Alone

For he himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5c)

On the morning of October 29, 2012, hundreds of thousands of people in portions of the Caribbean and the Mid-Atlantic and Northeastern United States faced their worst nightmare … “Superstorm Sandy.” This post-tropical cyclone with hurricane-force winds and its unusual merge with a frontal system affected 24 states, including the entire eastern seaboard from Florida to Maine and west across the Appalachian Mountains to Michigan and Wisconsin, leaving death, injuries, and utter destruction in its wake. Families everywhere, especially in hard hit New Jersey and New York, were jolted out of normalcy and the comfort and security of the homes and communities they once knew. They were thrust suddenly and unwillingly into the darkness and despair of loss.

If you and your family have ever been affected by a natural disaster like this, you may feel as if you’ve been abandoned by God. However, if trouble has hit your life in some other disaster or form of tragedy—the death of a loved one, a dreaded medical diagnosis, the loss of home and property, or the loss of your job, you are experiencing your own superstorm. You may feel as if your whole world has been turned upside down and wonder how you can possibly survive the loss. In times like these, you can feel very much alone.

But you are not alone. In the midst of unspeakable sorrow, God is with you. Even if you do not feel Him near, God is there. He promises to never leave you alone. Therefore, wherever you are, God is. He is with you before, during, and after the storm, never losing sight of you, or your suffering. Even as you ponder how you will begin picking up the pieces of your life, God is there … loving you beyond understanding, holding you up, and making a way where it seems there is no way. Reach out for Him today. He is a very present help in times of trouble (see Psalm 46:1).

Taking back your life …

Psalm 139:7-10 says, “I can never be lost to Your Spirit! I can never get away from my God! If I go up to heaven, You are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, You are there. If I ride the morning winds to the farthest oceans, even there Your hand will guide me, Your strength will support me” (TLB). What assurance can you find in these verses of Scripture when you are feeling as if God has forgotten you?
In Psalm 23, David pictures the Lord as the Great Shepherd who provides for and protects His sheep (His children). In verse 4, he says “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” A shepherd uses his rod to protect his sheep (by using it to beat off wild beasts), and he uses his staff to guide them. What comfort can you find in knowing that God will protect and guide you during this difficult time?
In addition to needing God’s presence in our lives, we also need each other. Talk with your family or friends about the way you are feeling, so that you can share one another’s burdens, and not feel so alone in your suffering.

Additional Scripture reading:

Deuteronomy 31:8
Psalm 91:15-16
Matthew 28:20

Day 2: He Sees and Understands Your Pain

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry. (Psalm 34:15)

God knows in great detail the devastation caused by tragedy. He understands the pain and sorrow acquainted with grief and loss. He understands because He is all knowing. Furthermore, Jesus endured suffering (see Isaiah 53) and experienced pain—even the pain of feeling abandoned (see Matthew 27:46). And because God is with you always, He knows that you are hurting. He sees your pain, and hears the cries of your heart. You are not alone in your suffering; He is there for you.

God cares very deeply about you, and is attentive to every detail of your life—even those things that burden your heart. First Peter 5:7 says that you should cast “all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.” Isn’t it comforting to know that God Almighty cares about you! It may seem like your life has been shaken to the core, but His love for you is never shaken. “‘For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you” (Isaiah 54:10).

No matter how bad things may seem, God is in control. Nothing happens without His knowledge. Matthew 10:29-31 says, “Not one sparrow (What do they cost? Two for a penny?) can fall without your Father knowing it. … So don’t worry! You are more valuable to Him than many sparrows.” If God’s eye is on the sparrow, He’s most certainly watching you. In the midst of sadness and uncertainty, His hand is there to guide you; His strength is there to support you. You are never out of His reach.

Taking back your life …

Look again at Isaiah 54:10 (above). How does this Scripture apply to you and help to make your current circumstances bearable?
The writer of Psalm 121 says this of God in verse 8, ” He keeps His eye upon you as you come and go and always guards you” (TLB). How does it feel to know that God keeps watch over you and is attentive to every detail of your life?
In Psalm 138:8, the writer, offering thanksgiving and praise to God, said confidently, “The Lord will work out His plans for my life—for Your loving-kindness, Lord, continues forever.” (TLB). Why not take a few moments to express to God your confidence in Him to work out His plans for your life?

Additional Scripture reading:

Psalm 41:1
Psalm 121:3
Psalm 139:7-12,17,18

Day 3: Pouring Out Your Heart

The righteous cry, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

One of the most difficult things we can face in life is loss, and in the aftermath of a tragedy, the pain of loss can be very difficult to cope with. At times, it may even seem unbearable. Because God made us with feelings, there are many other difficult emotions we may experience when grieving or facing tough circumstances. We can feel hopeless, helpless, confused, fearful, anxious, and even angry. Recognizing these emotions, and releasing them in healthy ways, is extremely important in the journey toward healing and wellness. Ignoring or suppressing them can be very destructive, crippling to say the least.

What emotions do you feel in your heart? Heartache and pain are undoubtedly among them. You’re probably hurting so badly that all you really want to do is cry. And that’s okay! Even the Lord Jesus Christ wept when faced with the tragedy and sorrow of death (see John 11:35). He was so deeply moved within because of the sorrow resulting from Lazarus’ death that He began to weep.

Sure, it’s good to be strong in the midst of difficult circumstances, but it is also important to acknowledge the emotions that pain, suffering, and loss can bring. Think about it. How can your heart truly heal if you don’t acknowledge that you’re hurting? So take the first step. Get alone with God, and tell Him honestly how badly you are hurting. Cry if you want to. Cry out to Him, “God, help me!” You will find that as you pour out your heart to the Lord, you’ll begin to feel the burdens of your soul roll away.

Taking back your life …

In Psalm 56:8 (TLB), David says of God, “You have seen me tossing and turning through the night. You have collected all my tears and preserved them in your bottle! You have recorded every one in your book.” How does it make you feel to know how important your tears are to God?
Consider what you have lost in the aftermath of tragedy. As you pour out your heart and acknowledge the emotions you are working through, you can find comfort in the following Scriptures for …

The death of a loved one: Matthew 5:4; Psalm 116:15; 2 Corinthians 5:8
Facing a terrible illness: Psalm 103:3; Isaiah 53:5; Jeremiah 17:14; Matthew 26:39
The separation of family members: Ephesians 3:20
The loss of your job, home, and other possessions: Philippians 4:19; Matthew 6:31-34
Financial troubles: Psalm 34:10; Joshua 1:8; Luke 6:38
The fear of all you have yet to deal with: Isaiah 41:10
The destruction of your beloved city or community: Isaiah 58:12

Additional Scripture reading:

2 Kings 20:5b
Psalm 34:6
1 Peter 5:7

Day 4: Passing Through Deep Waters

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and though the rivers, they will not overflow you. … For I am the Lord your God …” (Isaiah 43:2-3a)

In a desperate fight for survival, many people passed through the floodwaters left by Hurricane Katrina in a frantic search for higher ground. It had to be a frightening experience to wade, and in some areas, swim, through the murky, contaminated waters to save self, family members, neighbors, family pets, and in some cases, total strangers. But in the midst of fear, desperation, and uncertainty, many passed through the deep waters courageously, and were eventually rescued and taken to safety.

As you pass through the deep waters of your circumstances, you may be wondering, Who can rescue me from this? Be encouraged! Even in the deepest of waters, God promises to be with the one who trusts in Him. He alone can truly rescue you and keep you from drowning. Just as Jesus rescued Peter when He invited him to walk on water in the midst of a storm (see Matthew 14:22-33). At first, Peter trusted Jesus and joined Him on the water, but as soon as he began to focus on the storm, and give in to the fear of it, he began to sink. Still, when he cried out, “Lord, save me!” (Matthew 12:30), Jesus stretched out His hand and rescued Peter.

He can rescue you too. All you need do is take a deep breath of faith, reach out, and take hold of the mighty hand of God. Do not fear the deep, murky waters of uncertainty surrounding you. Though the way seems difficult, and at times impossible, you can be confident in this, “Nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37).

Taking back your life …

Jeremiah 32:17 says, “Ah Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You.” What encouragement can you find in this Scripture, when your situation seems too difficult?
Write down everything that seems impossible about your situation. Next to each item write, “Nothing will be impossible with God” (Luke 1:37). Spend a few minutes in prayer about the items on your list, and be sure to thank God that none of those things are too big or too hard for Him to handle.
Commit Luke 1:37 to memory, and every time your situation seems too difficult or impossible, speak it to yourself, as a reminder that God can handle whatever is troubling you. As opportunities arise, you can encourage others using this verse as well.

Additional Scripture reading:

Psalm 9:9-10
Psalm 37:40
Isaiah 26:3

Day 5: Finding Hope in God

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)

Take from a man his wealth, and you hinder him; take from him his purpose, and you slow him down. But take from man his hope, and you stop him. He can go on without wealth, and even without purpose, for a while. But he will not go on without hope. —C. Neil Strait (1)

As you think about your own circumstances, you may feel completely discouraged. The reality of what you are facing can seem so overwhelming that you might feel like giving up. But don’t give up. The circumstances may be too difficult in human terms, but in Christ there is always hope. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope'” (Jeremiah 29:11, TLB).

When you consider all that you are facing, ask yourself, “Is there anything too hard for God?” (See Jeremiah 32:17). Absolutely nothing! No matter what is going on in your life, you can trust that He is in control, and is working everything out for your good (see Romans 8:28). When you wake up in the morning and wonder how you will face the day, God is working it out. When you wonder how you can get through and overcome this difficult time, God is working it out. And when you lay down at night, wondering how you will face the challenges of tomorrow, whatever they may be, God is already working it out. God knows intimately the concerns of your heart (see Psalm 139:1-3), and can provide all the peace, strength, and courage you need. So don’t give up! Confidently hope in Him. Hope … and persevere!

Taking back your life …

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” What hope does this Scripture give you in the midst of tragedy, loss, and uncertainty?
Discuss as a family (or with a friend) how God has worked things out for your good in past times of difficulty.
Pray with someone else who shares your sorrow. Take turns praying for one another that God will encourage your hearts and give you hope.

Additional Scripture reading:

Psalm 31:24
Romans 15:13
Ephesians 3:20-21

Day 6: A Constant Place of Refuge

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, hundreds of thousands of Gulf Coast residents found themselves taking refuge in shelters all over the United States. Three weeks later, Hurricane Rita cut a new path of destruction through the Gulf Coast, forcing those who found refuge in Houston and other areas near the coast to participate in yet another evacuation. Then on the heels of Rita came the wildfires in Southern California, the earthquake in Pakistan, and the mudslides in Guatemala, displacing even more families.

If you and your family have been displaced as a result of tragedy you may be experiencing feelings of anxiety, insecurity, uncertainty, and more. Or if you are facing death or disease you may feel like running for shelter … a place to hide. There is a place where anyone facing tragedy can go—a place that provides our spirits never-ending shelter from danger, and offers powerful strength to weather any storm life may bring our way. That place is in God. In Psalm 32:7, David says this of God, “You are my hiding place; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with songs of deliverance.”

Though life is sometimes difficult and painful, when we take shelter in Him, His help is always ready, has been proven time and time again, and is completely reliable. In Psalm 62:7-8 (TLB), David wrote, “He is my refuge, a Rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust Him all the time. Pour out your longings before Him, for He can help!” Like David, you can take shelter in His protective presence. There you will find peace for today, strength for tomorrow, and hope for a brighter future.

Taking back your life …

In Psalm 57:1-2 David prayed, “Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me, for my soul takes refuge in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge until destruction passes by. I will cry to God most High, to God who accomplishes all things for me.” How can you use or apply this prayer to your circumstances today?
How does it feel to know that you can find permanent shelter in God, where everything you need (peace, joy, strength, protection, hope, etc.) is provided?
When you have some time, open a Bible and read Psalm 91 to learn more about the blessings of taking refuge in God.

Additional Scripture reading:

Deuteronomy 33:27
2 Samuel 22:2-3
Psalm 32:7
Psalm 61:3-4

Day 7: Tapping into the Power of Prayer

I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. … This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. (Psalm 34:4,6)

Throughout the Bible, God makes it clear that our prayers are very important to Him. He loves for us to talk with Him, just as we would our closest friend, and promises to be there for us whenever we call. He says, “Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13).

He wants you to tell Him about your burdens, and to give Him all your cares, so that He can bring hope to your heart, peace to your soul, and strength to your life (see 1 Peter 5:7). But even when you’re at a loss for words, and don’t know what to pray, the Holy Spirit Himself speaks on your behalf (see Romans 8:26). Yet God is not only interested in your struggles. He wants you to talk with Him about everything, from your smallest victories to your greatest fears and all things in between.

Isn’t it good to know that you have a direct line to God? That He is available to talk to you anytime, day or night? In fact, you can talk to Him right now. Tell Him how you’re feeling; that you’re hurting. Tell Him about your disappointment. Talk to Him about your anger and your pain. Tell Him how you love Him and need Him so. He hears your weeping, your requests, your praise, and thanksgiving. Prayer moves God. And when He moves in your life, you will feel His presence, experience His peace, and draw from His strength in ways you never thought possible! (2)

Taking back your life …

Hebrews 4:16 says, “Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” God actually invites us to spend time in His presence to communicate with Him. Will you accept His invitation?
In 1 Thessalonians5:17, we are told to “Pray without ceasing.” How can you stay in constant communication with God? Why is this communication so important?
Start a prayer journal today. You don’t have to use a fancy notebook. Any paper that you can find will work. Use the journal to write down your feelings, emotions, and struggles as if you are writing letters to God. List your specific requests at the end of each page, and as God answers your prayers, be sure to write down the date and the way in which He answered you.

Additional Scripture reading:

Psalm 61:1-4
Psalm 138:3
1 John 5:14-15

If this 7-day sample devotional has been an encouragement to you, you can get the full, 31-day version here.

More and more couples were asking for marriage counseling at Madeira-Silverwood Presbyterian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio. And most of them didn’t understand the underlying issues of their problems.

Senior Pastor Tom Sweets suggested that Drew Hood, family and youth pastor for the church at the time, get in touch with FamilyLife and see what resources they might have for a class on marriage. Like many in his generation, Drew says he normally would pull a variety of resources together for a class, so he was hesitant to order The Art of Marriage^®, FamilyLife’s six-session small-group video series. “When I actually got the material in hand,” Drew says, “I was completely blown away.”

He was surprised by how it helped couples recognize their shortcomings and pointed them to the gospel. And he was also surprised by the quality of The Art of Marriage video … that those who shared their stories were authentic, yet not emotionally manipulative.

But the thing that surprised him most was the longing for people in his church to strengthen their marriages. A typical Sunday school class at the church has only 6-8 people, but more than 30 people signed up for The Art of Marriage class. Many had never met before the first session.

Reaching across generations

The couples in the class came from two different services, one contemporary and the other traditional. And the age-range was wide: from 20 to about 70. Some couples were engaged, and some had been married for decades.

Although Drew led the new Sunday school group, the Hoods were like the other couples—they didn’t know what to expect but committed to doing the weekly homework.

The couples’ homework assignment for the first week was to discuss some specific questions on a date night. Like many in The Art of Marriage class, Drew and Lacy went to one of their favorite restaurants. In fact, they sat at the very table where Drew had proposed.

That night, as they began to discuss some of the challenges they had experienced in their marriage, they realized they had not talked about some important things. The homework assignment opened the door to communicate on a deeper level.

A buzz of discussion

At the second meeting of The Art of Marriage class, Drew was surprised that almost everyone had done their date-night homework. That first quiet Sunday school class was transformed into a buzz of discussion.

“By the time we got through the first video … the walls came down,” Drew says. “Everybody was talking. Everyone wanted to ask questions.”

The couples identified with the problems presented in The Art of Marriage videos. They saw real people talking about real problems instead of watching a Hollywood version addressing candy-coated issues.

As Drew and Lacy and others in the Sunday school class opened up, another surprise surfaced. People from both services reached out to help one another. Older couples often said to younger ones, “Let’s work together. Do you need babysitting for your kids so you can get away? Because we can do that.”

As the couples opened up to one another, The Art of Marriage group formed a deep sense of community. There was so much need for discussion that Drew extended the 6-week class to 12 weeks. Now they want to continue doing more studies together … helping each other have strong marriages.

Gathering together for important occasions like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays is a very biblical concept. God instructed His people to come together several times a year, knowing it was good for them to be reminded of what mattered most in life. Today we do the same without realizing we are following an ancient pattern when we gather to celebrate the birthday of Jesus, the anniversary of His resurrection and His ascension, and other important events.

At Ever Thine Home®, our hope is to not only elevate Easter but also call us as women to make our homes His embassy and mark other anniversaries on the Christian calendar with our families and friends. Pentecost was one of the three feasts where the Israelites were commanded to gather together, so this Sunday as you gather for church and lunch or dinner, here are four ideas for how to mark this important occasion with your family.

1. In the Old Testament one practice for the feast of Pentecost was for the priest to wave two loaves of bread in the temple before God in thanksgiving for the early harvest. Though the Jews did not see the symbolism, the two loaves represented two groups of people God planned to harvest for His kingdom: His chosen people the Jews and everyone else called the Gentiles. This Sunday, for lunch after church or for dinner that night, you might buy two loaves of bread to imitate the original practice. Give thanks that God’s gift of redemption is for all who are willing to receive it.

2. Create a simple obstacle course in your living room or back yard. Blindfold a volunteer who then has to find their way across the room or yard by listening to your voice calling directions; turn right, stop, take two steps left, etc. The blindfolded one has to listen carefully to your voice or he will trip or bump into things.

Then talk about how this is like listening to the Holy Spirit’s voice. To further illustrate this, send another person through the obstacle course and instruct other family members to call directions at the same time. This teaches a very practical lesson on learning to follow one voice as opposed to many other “voices” that might influence our lives.

3. Read one or two of these verses about who the Spirit is and what He came to do: John 14:16,17; John 14:26; John 16:7, 13-15. You might make a list from these verses about what the Spirit will do for us. If you have older children and teens, this can become a very in depth and beneficial discussion as you find other verses beyond these three learning together how vital is the Holy Spirit and His gracious work in our lives.

4. Then read Ephesians 5:17-19 and talk about this command that Paul wrote to everyone who is a Christian. What does it mean to be filled with the Spirit? Why does God command this? How does being controlled by God’s Spirit make a difference in your life, or how should it make a difference? (For more information on the Holy Spirit, read “The Wonderful News of the Spirit-filled Life,” by Bill Bright.

We hope that adding even one of these ideas to your Sunday this week will help you appreciate the wonder of God actually residing within each of us who believe in Him. It also can help you give your children a beginning level of understanding of this vital truth.

May you enjoy Pentecost Sunday as you celebrate the miracle of God’s continual presence with us.

As you have probably noticed, holidays are important in my life and the life of my family. I’ve invested a good amount of time to find creative and memorable ways to mark those annual days on the calendar we call holidays!

From the early days of the Bible’s story, when God gave His people seven yearly feasts, these have anchored human interactions with God and His people in literal feasts of the senses; in celebration. Revelry. Worship. These days were for concentrated, intentional time to delight in God, to stoke the fires of our relationship with Him, and to maintain its health through memorable moments away from the everyday and its constant demands.

God’s original instituted feasts, falling into clusters of three feasts, one feast, and three more, marked time and punctuated ordinary life with hours of significance and meaning.

These Jewish practices find similarities in the Christian holidays we celebrate today.

Ancient Jewish holiday(s)	Corresponding Christian holiday(s)
Passover Feast of Unleavened Bread First Fruits (all early spring holidays)	Maundy Thursday Good Friday Easter
Shavuot or Pentecost (spring harvest 50 days following Easter Sunday or First Fruits)	Thanksgiving (celebrated at different times in many countries)
Rosh Hashanah (Feast of Trumpets and Jewish New Year) Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles) (all fall holidays)	Christmas Christmas Eve New Year’s Day

And yet, aside from liturgical churches, I know of no Christian celebrations, especially in homes with families, for the feast of Pentecost, the fourth biblical holiday of the year. Jesus dramatically fulfilled this feast when He sent His Spirit, but why don’t we at a minimum give thanks for this miraculous event? How has it been lost?

Francis Chan’s excellent book, Forgotten God, acknowledges that we have forgotten Him in our daily lives. A celebration like Pentecost helps us remember Him and provides a milestone moment in our families to teach our children who the Spirit is and why we need Him.

In preparation for Pentecost Sunday, here are five reasons why it is a wonder worth celebrating that the Holy Spirit came.

1. Having the Holy Spirit is better than having the physical person of Jesus! Jesus said, “It is to your advantage that I go away”—so He could send the Helper. Jesus was confined to a body, a single place. The Spirit can be and is in every place around the globe where a believer is found—and dwells within, guiding the person’s own heart. Amazing!

2. The Spirit will be “with us forever” (John 14:16)—and in every circumstance—unlike Jesus’ physical person. I am so grateful for this promise that He is always with me, whether on a flight that is disconcertingly bumpy, or when I’m feeling like “I can’t do this anymore,” or when I’m simply completing mundane, thankless tasks for the thousandth time. His ever-presence is a comfort.

3. We now have His constant, gentle whisper. I love that He can continually, intimately remind me of what Jesus taught: He will “teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I (Jesus) said to you” (John 14:26).

4. Like taking a trip to a national park where the park rangers give every visitor a guide book, so the Holy Spirit “will guide you” throughout your unique, obstacle-and adventure-laden journey of life if you and I will ask (John 16:13).

5. Though there are many more reasons why the Holy Spirit came, one of my favorites remains that “the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words” (Romans 8:26). There have been many times in my life when I have not known what to pray because I was bewildered or afraid or in pain. Yet in those times the Spirit was praying for me. What a Comforter is the Spirit, sent to us from the throne room of God!

Sometimes I think we forget just how much impact our marriage has on our family and friends. If our marriage is good, they notice and they learn. If it’s bad … they notice and they learn.

Recently FamilyLife held an Easter contest in which the grand prize was a free Weekend to Remember^® marriage getaway. For those who made it to the final stage, one of the questions they answered was, “Whose marriage do you admire most, and why?” I found the answers fascinating, and revealing.

It quickly became obvious that the influence of parents and grandparents is immeasurable. Some quotes:

I most admire my parents’ marriage. They started out very young, getting married at 19 and 17 years old, with a baby on the way. In December, they will be married for 40 years. (How amazing!) They have been through many, many struggles and joys through the years. They have held on tight to each other and to God when times were tough, and they have celebrated their joys together too. They have helped each other to grow and yet accepted each other unconditionally. … What a blessing to grow up in a household where these were my role models! My parents’ love for each other, for their children, for their grandchildren, and for Christ are an inspiration!

***

I admire our parents’ marriages most. Our parents have stayed married through many years and many ups and downs. We know their lives behind the scenes. They have been wonderful examples to us on how to stay married.

***

I think I would choose my grandparents. They spent a lot of time at church together and working to share God’s love, but then they could fight like nobody’s business but then go to bed happy and contented. They enjoyed spending time with family and laughing. Playing games and things. When one died before the other they missed the other one immensely. They shared their happiness with each other and stayed together throughout life’s many challenges.

Did you catch that line, “We know their lives behind the scenes”? Our children know how we act behind closed doors; they see every good and bad thing we do and take it to heart. So when a child says he most admires his parents’ marriage, that’s saying something.

I also noticed that children are watching how their parents take care of each other as they grow old. One reader wrote:

My father-in-law passed several years ago due to Alzheimer’s disease. They were high school sweethearts. As his disease progressed my mother-in-law would fill in the words where he could not, and she knew exactly what he needed even when he could not remember what it was. … The day before he died, she was sitting on the edge of his bed. Though he had not spoken an intelligible word for weeks nor had he been responsive for three days, his eyes opened, he pulled her close, she gave him a kiss and he patted her on the buttocks. It is a scene that I will never forget. I pray that my husband and I can be in such communion that no matter what happens to either of us, we always reach for the other.

Other readers said they most admired the marriages of friends and pastors. One wrote, “The marriage I admire the most is my boss’s marriage. He and his wife had many years of conflict and divorce was imminent at times. … They are now enjoying an intimate and loving union and their story is an encouragement to many others with struggling marriages.”

Perhaps the most unusual was a note from a husband who said, “I most admire my wife’s former marriage to her deceased husband, Randy. They were married for around 30 years before he succumbed to cancer. He was a godly man, and they raised two great children, who have since [given] us grandchildren. My wife and her former husband together helped a lot of people to strengthen their relationship with Christ or come to Christ in the first place. I pray I can do as good a job as a husband and father as he did with my wife and his children.”

How many husbands would be secure enough to write a tribute like that?

After reading all the responses (read the entire list here), the one thing I took away was that the way we love our spouse will be one of our greatest legacies. As one reader wrote:

Early on in their marriage my dad was unfaithful. Now that I’m married and an adult, I have no idea how she stayed with him. I don’t believe I could have. But, God’s grace is bigger than us … My mom forgave my dad, forgave the other women, and loved my dad. I was the last one out of six to become a Christian, so watching this unfold in front of me made me love and respect my mom and dad more. … With God’s love inside of them, they repented and made their marriage thrive! My mom passed away right before their 42nd anniversary, but I’m telling you what, she left a legacy for all of us kids, that spoke, “You can do all things through Christ.” My parents’ marriage was one of commitment, covenant, and promise. I believe the road work has been paved for generations to come.

Whose marriage do you most admire, and why? Let us know in the comments section below, and I’ll use your answers in a coming edition of Marriage Memo.

Editor’s note, May 2015: In a recent FamilyLife contest, participants were asked, “What marriage do you most admire, and why?” Here’s a selection of their responses. For more, read “The Marriages We Admire.”

1. My former pastor and his wife … they are both with the Lord now. They had very different strengths but they always showed each other the utmost respect and love and were a testimony to me in my middle school years. It was very clear to everyone that they treasured each other.

2. My brother Tracy and his wife Kelsie. They married young, at 19 and 20, and I had doubts about their chances of a successful marriage, just based on their ages. They will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in July and have 8 children. They are truly, to me, the epitome of what a marriage and family should be. Their selflessness and commitment to each other, their children, family, and friends it’s something we admire and aspire to!

3. I truly admire my parents’ marriage the most. They met when they were 21 and 24 and married within 6 weeks. I grew up seeing them go through extreme financial challenges but my mom only worked part-time jobs while we were at school so she could be home with us before and after school. I never saw them raise their voices to one another. There may have been times when I sensed they were unhappy about something but they did not let us see them fight. After we all graduated, got married and moved away, I saw their relationship become even sweeter and more loving. I hope that my husband and I can also find a deeper love for one another that will help our marriage become as strong as theirs.

4. My husband and I both admire our grandparents’ marriages. No matter what life threw at them, they stayed grounded in their faith and each other. They knew God had plans for them and their marriages and they tried to listen and follow. That is what we strive for in our marriage and life together with Christ.

5. I admire our parents’ marriages most. Our parents have stayed married through many years and many ups and downs. We know their lives behind the scenes. They have been wonderful examples to us on how to stay married. They don’t have marriage rules that I can tell but they taught us well by living their lives and honoring their spouses and the Lord.

6. Both of my parents are deceased, but their marriage is what I want my marriage to model. They loved each other til they died. They went on vacation by themselves once a year. They provided a great home to grow up in. As kids we had everything we needed so we could grow and thrive as adults.

7. I think I would choose my grandparents. They spent a lot of time at church together and working to share God’s love, but then they could fight like nobody’s business but then go to bed happy and contented. They enjoyed spending time with family and laughing. Playing games and things. When one died before the other they missed the other one immensely. They shared their happiness with each other and stayed together throughout life’s many challenges. Parkinsons disease and Alzheimer’s attacked each of them. But through all of that they loved each other and kept encouraging one another to heal and kick the diseases. Amazing to think about and miss them since they have been gone for 5 years. At least we have memories!

8. The answer to this question has changed many times for me over the years. What I used to think was an admirable quality in marriage is not what I think now. So if at this time having to pick one couple, it would be my son and his wife. They attended their first weekend to remember in February. They came to the weekend on the brink of filing for divorce and left with renewed love and hope. God is good !!

9. I admire our Pastor and his wife’s marriage the most. They are just real people. They have struggles and issues just like everyone else but they prioritize one another. Even in the midst of church life and ministry they take time most weeks for date night and for family night. They have nicknames for each other and when they are together you see the love and respect they have for one another. When he or she is on stage at church and the other is watching from the audience, there is such a look of love and admiration on their spouses face as they watch them. They have helped shape us into the spouses we are today by watching them and learning from them over the last twenty years. They are an example of the kind of marriage we want.

10. Chip and Theresa Ingram because of the blended family aspect and how he has let God work in him and through him with his step children. Also as a pastor his marriage has many serious demands, but the evidence in his series Effective Parenting in a Defective World is that they are successful at both launching their arrows and maintaining their bond with God and each other.

11. My parents – My mom is no longer living but while she was alive, I saw how my parents stuck by each other through all of life’s ups and downs. As my mom’s health failed, my dad stayed by her side. They modeled for my siblings and me what a marriage was supposed to function.

12. My parents. My father is in a state care facility five hours away from where we live because he has Alzheimers. She desperately wanted him closer, but because he had become so aggressive, my mom had no choice but to have him there. My mother faithfully has cared for him the last 5 years in their home until it got unmanageable this last Christmas. Now she drives to the facility every other week to visit him and make sure that he knows that he’s loved. Sometimes he remembers her and sometimes he does not. She also calls him often. They’ve been married for 40 years and have stood the test of time when the going is really tough.

13. We had a couple model a Christ centered marriage to us early in our marriage. They met with us and helped us set up a budget. He mentored my husband and she mentored me and showed us with their actions what it takes to have a healthy marriage that honors our Lord.

14. Walter & Melba Hooker, because God radiates through them. You can see the love & respect they have for each other. They put God first in everything together.

15. One of the most recent marriages I have really learned about has become my favorite. It is the story from the Bible about Boaz and Ruth. The thing that sticks out the most is the character they displayed. Ruth was honorable, humble and loyal. She left all that she knew and went into the unknown to take care of Naomi. Boaz was an honorable, humble man that displayed his faith to those in the fields. He took notice of Ruth’s servant heart and in return took care of her. They did things the right way it seems. Over time they fell in love with each other. Boaz even had to lay aside his pride and own desires to do what was right. He had to approach another man that had the first right to marry Ruth. Through it all they remained a man and a woman with true character and loved God first.

16. I know this may seem inappropriate here but after giving a great deal of thought to this question my answer is Dennis and Barbara Rainey. I didn’t have any good examples of a Godly marriage growing up so there wasn’t anyone modeling what I felt like God wanted for couples when it was close to time for me to get married. I started reading everything I could at our library in Bible College to help me out. Once I started reading the Family Life materials I discovered a kinship and have felt like I know Dennis and Barbara through their materials. I really appreciate the work they are doing.

17. The marriage I admire most is that of my in-laws. My father in law passed several years ago due to Alzheimer’s disease. They were high school sweethearts. As his disease progressed my mother in law would fill in the words where he could not, and she knew exactly what he needed even when he could not remember what it was. Once, when we took him out to shop for a gift for her, after he found the perfect Yankee Candle for her, he immediately wanted to go home. He wanted to be with her every moment possible as he drew closer to the end of his life on earth. The day before he died, she was sitting on the edge of his bed. Though he had not spoken an intelligible word for weeks nor had he been responsive for three days, his eyes opened, he pulled her close, she gave him a kiss and he patted her on the buttocks. It is a scene that I will never forget. I pray that my husband and I can be in such communion that no matter what happens to either of us, we always reach for the other.

18. Although I admire my parent’s marriage and they have set a very good example of marriage, my Aunt and Uncle come to mind because they have been a wonderful example of a loving marriage who put God first in their marriage and have drawn strength from their relationship with Christ. My Uncle passed away almost fifteen years ago and had suffered many years with debilitating arthritis before he later developed bladder cancer. My Aunt cared for him all those years without complaint, lovingly, and always put him first before herself. It was evident they loved each other very much and they still kept their sense of humor throughout his illnesses. During the tough times, she shared about her dependence on God and how she received strength to face the hard times from Him. They were both a great example of love.

19. The marriage I admire most is that of my buddy Paul. I can see his unconditional love, their communication, and their faithfullness to the Lord.

20. Our friends Rachel and Rudy Hernandez. They have always loved God so much and love each other in a special way in return. No matter what happens in their lives they are always smiling and trusting God’s plan. They have the same anniversary as us but have been married decades longer.

21. Wow, there are many. All are successful because of their faith and commitment to God. I think of George and Laura Bush, George and Barbara Bush, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Billy and Ruth Graham, and Dennis and Barbara Rainey! But if I have to pick one, I would say Billy and Ruth Graham. We all know how dedicated Billy Graham was as an evangelist leading so many people to Christ. It takes God, good communications, and a strong commitment to keep a marriage like theirs strong for all those years. Ruth supported her husband but also took care of the children. She was a strong woman and together, with the Lord, they walked as one.

22. I admire those like Jim and Shirley Dobson. There are also Steve and Kathy Gallagher and Jeff and Rose Colon from Pure Life Ministries. In our local church there are Steve and Mary Lowenberg and Mit and Judy Williams.

23. There was a couple that is much older and they really had a great marriage. The husband has gone on to be with the Lord now, but they really did everything together. They served the Lord together and were very happy. She’ll always miss him.

24. Hard question to answer. Like my wife, I was raised in a broken home. I never had the opportunity to see the model of a healthy marriage. My wife and I had to re-learn how to approach marriage and relationship through the training I have received. And, over the years I have come to realize that marriages that look wonderful on to the outside world may not be so satisfying and joyful. So while I can’t give you a marriage I admire most, I can give you a relationship I admire most and that is God and His love for us. It is amazing that we have the unconditional love of our creator. It is a love that we do not desire but it also is a love that we can learn from. The best thing that my wife and I have done in our 16-year marriage is let God in. We have found Him to be a great support and comforter to us. And His presence is what helps us work around our “rough” edges.

25. The marriage I admire the most is my boss’s marriage. He and his wife had many years of conflict and divorce was imminent at times. He had a tendency to try to bull-doze her and control outcomes. She, on the hand, had very firm boundaries and wouldn’t budge. My boss chose to focus on what God wanted him to do to be a man of integrity, even when his wife refused to be intimate with him for an extended period of time and was very difficult to live with. My boss allowed God to transform his heart, even when it seemed his wife refused to change; and even if the marriage ultimately failed. He also stopped asking his wife to trust him. Instead, he focused on being trustworthy. In taking the pressure off his wife, and allowing God to work on him, his wife chose to let the Lord work on her heart and she re-engaged in the marriage. They are now enjoying an intimate and loving union and their story is an encouragement to many others with struggling marriages.

26. I admire my sister’s marriage the most. They demonstrate love, commitment, and sacrifice. They show me that it’s okay to have arguments because deep down they love each other.

27. I most admire my parents’ marriage. They started out very young, getting married at 19 and 17 years old, with a baby on the way. In December, they will be married for 40 years. (How amazing!) They have been through many, many struggles and joys through the years. They have held on tight to each other and to God when times were tough, and they have celebrated their joys together too. They have helped each other to grow and yet accepted each other unconditionally. After all this time, they truly are still “in love,” and their love is evident to anyone looking at them. They are best friends – enjoying their time together and sharing daily life. What a blessing to grow up in a household where these were my role-models! My parents’ love for each other, for their children, for their grandchildren, and for Christ are an inspiration!

28. Marti and Kalet Lieberman. They are an elderly couple who have been at this marriage thing for a long time. They’ve been through it all and have embraced every situation to make their relationship better…or as they say, to demonstrate the strength of their relationship. They remain playful, flirtatious and deeply committed to one another’s well-being and pleasure in life and we love being around them!

29. I admire my spiritual grandparent’s marriage. My godfather passed away several years ago, but I vividly remember the love that he had for his wife and I can still see how much she loves and misses him. Their marriage went the distance and lasted until death. I admire how they had different ways of communicating, but they both love the Lord with all of their hearts.

30. A couple at church that serve in the community and have a heart for the least of these.

31. The marriage I most admire are my friend’s Greg and Suzette marriage. They currently lead our weekly couple’s Bible study and they faithfully week in and week out open their home to our remarried couples group. They exemplify a God-loving couple who serve consistently together at church during weekend services in guest services and children’s programs and are willing to lead and reach out to others who do not know the Lord. When I grow up, I want to be just like them!

32. Our friends, Mac and Nicole. They are strong in their faith, they have persevered through many trials, and they seem to love each other very much.

33. At my Father’s passing in 2012, my parents had been married for fifty three years. Their life together wasn’t always picturesque; however, they were both Godly people and always had the faith that God would see them through and He did. My parents always took us to Church and led Godly, exemplary lives for me and my two siblings to follow. For my entire life, I have never had to wonder if my parents loved each other or were happy being married to one another. My mom has struggled since my Father stepped into Heaven but she relies on God’s promises that they will be together again. I pray every day that my children will see in their parents the daily love and devotion I saw in mine every day of their lives.

34. I don’t particularly have one certain couple that I admire. I look at couples all around me and listen to stories and hear them say “We been married for over 40+ years” and I think to myself, “WOW”…. you don’t find that much anymore and when you do you can see the love they have for one another and know that they at one point had struggles but persevered and held tight. I love to hear the older generation tell their tales of life and know that it can be done. I am a divorcee and so wish I could be one of those who could have said, “We been married for over 40+ years.” I know God created marriage to be a unity with Him and without Him it is a downhill battle.

35. I admire my brother-in-law, Paul, and his wife, Jody’s, marriage. They serve the Lord together, set a godly example for their two children, and love life together. I think that they set a great example for my wife and me on how we can sacrifice to serve God and raise up godly children, while still laughing and enjoying life.

36. I admire my sister and brother-in-law’s marriage. They have definitely had their ups and downs but they support each other constantly. They also feel comfortable communicating with each other over things they disagree on or are bothered by. I have always looked up to my sister, and I continue to look up to her and learn from her relationship with her husband. They made me realize that marriage is work and it is not easy. However, that doesn’t mean you weren’t meant to be married to each other, it just shows how much you love that person because you will work hard to stay in the relationship.

37. Sadly, I don’t know personally many marriages that fall in to this category—even within the church. I want to change that with our marriage starting now, and my prayer is to leave a different legacy for our children and grandchildren. One that shows a true biblical marriage—a role model marriage for them. Not perfect by any means, but one that models God’s plan for marriage as best we can. There is one couple in our Bible study that has a strong, godly marriage. They’ve been married 50 some years, and they are open and vulnerable about their struggles along the way. They’ve kept God as the center, and have devoted these “senior” years to helping other couples. The wife, though strong willed and outspoken, maintains a true submissive attitude toward her husband, but does so without complaining or appearing to be a “doormat”. She’s a regal, well spoken, elegant, intelligent and strong woman—but allows her husband to lead. It’s beautiful. He, true to biblical teaching—loves her so much, just as Christ loves the church and treats her with kindness and gentleness, and never in a domineering manner. This is the marriage that I admire most.

38. My parents’ marriage is the one I admire most. As I remember my childhood, what sticks out is the love they showed each other every day. When Mom stayed at home, the first thing Dad would do when he came home from work was give Mom a hug, kiss and then spend 10-15 minutes alone together to reconnect before the evening ensued at being parents. Despite seven children presenting a multitude of challenges, they knew the most important relationship, the one on which all the others depended, was theirs as a couple. It was the best example for all of us to follow, and follow it we did. All of us have long standing, strong and loving marriages, directly contrasting the culture around us.

39. My parents’. They were best friends and modeled love, communication, faith, and compassion.

40. Richard and Jennifer Rogers because God is the center of all they do.

41. I most admire my wife’s former marriage to her deceased husband, Randy. They were married for around 30 years before he succumbed to cancer. He was a godly man, and they raised two great children, who have since bourn us grandchildren. My wife and her former husband together helped a lot of people to strengthen their relationship with Christ or come to Christ in the first place. I pray I can do as good a job as a husband and father as he did with my wife and his children, with my own two sons from my former marriage, while bringing all of us closer to Christ.

43. It would probably we ours because we firmly believe we are the foundation of future generations. (We both came from dysfunctional families.) To see the work He has done in our marriage is nothing short of a miracle. It is a living testimony to our children and grandchildren of the goodness and faithfulness of our God and how He blesses those who earnestly seek Him!

44. My Grandparents. They stayed together until the end.

45. The marriage I admire most is my parents. Early on in their marriage my dad was unfaithful. Now that I’m married and an adult, I have no idea how she stayed with him. I don’t believe I could have. But, God’s grace is bigger than us, and He had a divine plan to Romans 8:28 their marriage! My mom forgave my dad, forgave the other women, and loved my dad. I was the last one out of six to become a Christian, so watching this unfold in front of me made me love and respect my mom and dad more. … with God’s love inside of them, they repented and made their marriage thrive! My mom passed away right before their 42nd anniversary, but I’m telling you what, she left a legacy for all of us kids, that spoke, “You can do all things through Christ”. My parents’ marriage was one of commitment, covenant, and promise. I believe the road work has been paved for generations to come. There is so much more to write on this, but I know I’m limited, so I would like to end with, thank you God for unveiling your infinite love for us through my parents’ marriage! It has truly changed me from the inside out!

46. My aunt and uncle. Their marriage was centered around their faith and family. They did not have any easy life but had many friends and always seemed positive and happy.

47. My parents. They have been married 57 years. Last summer defined their marriage. We own a cabin next to their cabin. One morning I went down to their cabin in the morning. My parents were sitting by the table one with the Bible, the other with a daily devotion. They were spending time together growing closer to God. You can’t help but admire that!

48. Any elderly couple that is walking together, laughing and holding hands.

49. There are so few good examples of good marriages. The one that stands out as one to admire is my in-laws. This past year they celebrated their 50th anniversary. In the 28 years I’ve known them I have seen them take a huge risk to start a business, even when their marriage was rocky, at best. They were very successful and amassed a significant fortune, only to see most of that wiped out with the failing economy. Also in the midst of this time, they lost their youngest son to a very aggressive brain tumor. The stress of losing a child to a horrible illness nearly tore the family apart, but their commitment kept them together. I have seen both of them put their focus on Jesus, and while they are still far from perfect, they demonstrate what happens when you focus on what is truly important and not on your current circumstances.

50. I think the marriage I admire most is my parents’. It is obviously the one I’ve seen the most up-close having spent the first 21 years of my life living with them and watching them day by day. Growing up I didn’t really think a lot about their marriage other than to be glad they were married and not divorced, but now that I’m an adult and have been married 11 years I have a much different perspective and appreciation for their marriage.

I’m the third of eight children and my mom homeschooled us while my dad worked from a home office as a salesman. I admire them because they approach their marriage and family so selflessly and sacrificially. I admire them because they jointly have embraced God’s calling on their lives to have a large family and raise us in a God-fearing way. Obviously, my up-close view of their marriage means I’m aware that it isn’t perfect, just like every marriage. But I greatly admire and respect them for the fact that they have always put such a strong priority on family time and helping our family to be close.

I think that process started with their understanding that the strongest bond two people can have is Christ, so they prayed for their children and taught us the Bible in hopes that we would all come to know the Lord as they do. Next I think they understood that if the parents have a strong bond then it sets the tone for the rest of the family, so they took getaways together and made it very clear that they are unreservedly, wholeheartedly committed to each other. Finally, they always emphasized togetherness and a team atmosphere for all of us kids.

The proof of their success is that by God’s grace all of their children are walking with Him, and even though we are such a large family (23 altogether now with 3 spouses and 10 grandchildren having been added so far) we are a very close group. So much so that if any part of the group is missing it seems like we are incomplete …

I realize I went a little into my admiration for them as parents, but even their parenting started with their marriage and building it on the rock of Christ and then continuing to seek to keep it strong so that they together can accomplish those things that the Lord is calling them to do. That is my prayer for my marriage—that as a couple we would push each other closer to the Lord and together accomplish great things for Him.

Roger and Tonya had known each other for about two years. They had a 1-year-old daughter, Natasha. And when they heard a radio ad about purchasing a home with no down payment, it seemed buying a house together was the next logical step in their up-and-down relationship.

A few weeks later, as they were filling out the paperwork to purchase a home, their mortgage broker said, “You know, this would be a lot easier if you guys were married.” Roger and Tonya glanced at each other. Easier … they liked the sound of that.

So the next day they got married at a local courthouse. Then they ate a Subway sandwich for lunch and went back to work.

And that was how Roger and Tonya Haskin became man and wife. As Roger says, “The mortgage broker proposed for both of us.”

But they really had no clue about what it meant to be married.

Ambivalent about marriage

Tonya and Roger met back in 1993 as new boarders in a five-bedroom house near Seattle, Washington. The residents in the house shared some meals together. As Tonya got to know Roger, she learned that he was a hard-working Iraq war veteran who managed an auto repair center. And he had a 6-year-old stepson who often visited him at the boarding house.

About a week after Tonya moved into the house, she got a new job and wanted to celebrate. She asked Roger if he wanted to go dancing and he said, “Sure!”

In the following days Tonya and Roger started talking more and more. And before long they were sleeping together. But they never considered getting married. They were each recovering from failed marriages themselves.

“We talked about how marriage had kind of failed us,” Tonya says.

After so much hurt and confusion in their personal lives, Roger and Tonya thought their whirlwind romance was a breath of spring air. That is … until Tonya told Roger, “I’m pregnant.”

At the same time, Roger was promoted at work and had to move to Bellingham, Washington. And Tonya got a better job, requiring a move to Lynnwood, Washington. Living 75 miles apart at that point, Roger continued to see Tonya on his days off. His divorce was finalized just after their daughter, Natasha, was born.

Tonya’s ultimatums

Roger and Tonya didn’t think marriage was necessary to raise a child. Besides, their lifestyle fit right in with their friends and coworkers. They knew lots of people who had children out of wedlock, and they saw no reason to be different.

In fact, once he became a father, Roger complained that his relationship with Tonya was feeling too much like marriage. He felt like he was still young enough to play and have fun, and he couldn’t do that if he was tied down with Tonya and Natasha.

While Tonya didn’t care if she and Roger ever married, she expected him to be loyal to her. So she gave him a choice: Natasha and her or the single life.

“I want to be free,” Roger told her.

So Roger and Tonya went their separate ways … for about a month. When Roger saw Tonya again at her sister’s wedding, he realized that he had made a mistake. He asked Tonya if he could come back into their lives.

She said she would agree only if they acted like they were married. And if he returned, she wanted them to get family pictures—to start acting like a family.

Surprisingly, Roger agreed. And this led, soon after, to their decision to purchase a home.

Feeling pressure

Even after Tonya and Roger took their mortgage broker’s advice and got married, in practical terms their relationship had not changed. They had no idea how to build a good marriage.

They felt many pressures from the time they recited their wedding vows. Tonya, who was a new police officer, left for the police academy. And Roger, still an auto center manager, was transferred to yet another store.

Then an old Army buddy of Roger’s temporarily moved in. He was a heavy drinker and pot smoker, and because Tonya was in law enforcement at that point, “that started putting some serious stress on our marriage,” she says.

After the Haskins had been married for about six months, Roger’s stepson unexpectedly moved in. The Army buddy moved out, but a live-in nanny moved in. And Roger did some serious drinking.

The atmosphere in the Haskins’ home was tense and Tonya often raised her voice in anger. Roger’s usual response was to retreat. He often stayed at his store until he knew she had left for work; then he’d either go home or to a bar. Sometimes Roger and Tonya didn’t see one another for three or four days.

Tonya wondered why Roger wouldn’t stay home. Yet Roger says he liked being married. He liked having a family to go home to, when he wanted to be there. What he didn’t like was Tonya telling him what a family is supposed to look like.

A Weekend to Remember^®

“I couldn’t even imagine us going on any longer the way we were going on,” Tonya says. “I had already felt like a failure once with the first marriage, and I thought, Okay, I have failed again. We are not making it. Now I’m going to be a single mom.”

Tonya longed for something to fix her broken marriage, but she didn’t know what.

Then one of her colleagues at work gave her a brochure for a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway. When she read that the event was centered on godly principles, she was disappointed. She and Roger didn’t go to church and they weren’t at all religious.

As far as she was concerned, God had nothing to do with her life.

But she was two months pregnant with their second child and desperate, willing to give anything a try—even a Weekend to Remember. She said, “I figured we could go and get the good marriage advice and leave the God stuff there.” When she told Roger about the marriage getaway, he said he’d go … because he wanted to get away from the kids.

A turning point

By the time Tonya walked into the conference ballroom, she had little hope for her marriage. But things started to change as they learned about God’s plan for marriage. On the second day of the getaway Roger identified with a story told by speaker Gary Rosberg. While Gary was studying for his doctorate, his daughter had drawn a picture of their family and he was not in it. “Where’s the daddy?” he asked his little girl.

“Daddy’s at the library, silly. Daddy’s always at the library,” she replied. It was a crossroads moment for Gary, who realized he needed to make a commitment to being a father.

Natasha had drawn a similar picture for Roger, who was then working about 80 hours a week.

As he heard Gary’s story Roger thought, How did he know?

“I was in tears,” Roger says. “I was broken.”

The next speaker explained why a successful marriage needs God’s indwelling Spirit and how couples could have a relationship with Jesus Christ.

The Haskins were listening. The Lord was revealing truths that were new to them. Silently, individually, Roger and Tonya believed the words of Romans 10:9, “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

Now new followers of Jesus Christ, they each understood that a truly successful life and marriage hinges on the love of Jesus Christ. That the closer they each became to Jesus, the closer they would be to one another.

That night the Haskins argued for about four hours. They compared what they had learned about God’s plan for marriage to their own relationship, and there were no similarities. Arguing back and forth, they blamed one another for their problems.

Tonya wanted to tell Roger about her desire to put Jesus at the center of their relationship. But how could she do that? God had never been a part of their lives. She was afraid her marriage would end if she told Roger that.

And Roger was thinking, The only way we are fixing this train wreck we call marriage is by bringing Christ into it.

Finally they stopped quarreling long enough to listen to each other; they realized they wanted the same thing. Roger took Tonya’s hand as they knelt side by side in their hotel room.

They prayed something like this: “Jesus, we’re broken. Our marriage is broken, and we need You. Please fix our marriage, because we can’t. We give our lives and our marriage over to you.”

A growing marriage

After the Weekend to Remember, the Haskins visited Island Baptist Church on Camano Island, Washington. The pastor and his wife, Rick and Pam Mitchell, began to mentor the young couple.

The Haskins began reading Bibles written for children and learned the stories of Moses, and Jericho, and Jesus Christ. They began to teach their own children about the Scriptures.

Roger and Tonya were excited about the difference Christ was making in their lives and marriage and wanted to help others. They made Christian friends and started leading FamilyLife’s small-group Bible studies in their home, beginning with Growing Your Marriage.

And they joined their local Weekend to Remember volunteer team to promote the next getaway, and ended up bringing nine couples. “We knew the impact it had on our marriage,” Roger says, “and that’s why we started volunteering.”

Throughout the years, the Haskins’ marriage continued to get stronger. One reason is because Tonya realized it was up to God to change her husband. Also, Roger began surrounding himself with godly men and gradually reduced his hours at work. Eventually he not only accepted the leadership role in his home, but began helping others in his community.

Today the Haskins have led about 15 Bible studies using FamilyLife’s The Art of Marriage® Connect Series for small groups. In 2011 they began raising support to join the missionary team of FamilyLife where they serve today.

Looking back, no one is more astonished than Roger and Tonya by how the Lord has worked in their once-broken lives. They are doing all they can to tell others about the difference God can make in a marriage.

They are still living in the Stanwood, Washington house they purchased together while they were both single. But now it’s not just a house … it’s a home centered on the love of Jesus Christ.

When you were a teenager, what were your primary struggles? Compare them with issues today’s teenagers wrestle with, and I bet those two lists look very different.

In my generation, like any generation, teens dealt with issues of self worth, identity, belonging, and purpose. Certainly there were those who struggled with sexual temptation and alcohol or drugs. But there were not a large number struggling with depression, cutting, eating disorders, sexual identity, risky sexual behaviors, serious drug abuse, verbal abuse, and/or physical violence and defiance.

Times have clearly changed. There is an all-out assault on our young people. Thirty years ago, the struggling kids usually came from difficult home environments. Now the struggling teen phenomenon has spread way beyond the boundaries of a troubled home. In fact, most of the teens at Shelterwood Academy, a boarding school for troubled teens where I serve as president, come from stable, loving, two-parent homes. More often than not, they were raised at church, active in youth groups and sports teams, and yet they still struggle with serious emotional, spiritual, and/or behavioral issues.

A monster storm

So why does this generation seem to be struggling unlike any generation that has gone before them? Perhaps you remember a movie a number of years ago, The Perfect Storm. In that film, a number of weather-related phenomena converged together at the same time to create a monster storm. I believe that there is a monster storm that has converged on this generation of teens.

The Bible talks about three enemies: the world, the flesh, and the devil (1 John 2:16). And every generation has had to battle these enemies. However, the arsenal of weapons employed against this generation of teens is unmatched in human history.

The world encompasses the primary values of a culture and the particular cultural pressures experienced. Today, materialism, humanism, and striving for wealth and fame are pervasive cultural values that stand in direct opposition to most of our Judeo-Christian values. The cultural pressure on teens to conform, mixed with the fear of man and fear of rejection, make this a dangerous mix for a young person trying to discern right and wrong, truth and error. And the pursuit of these values simply does not satisfy the deepest yearnings of the human heart, and leaves many teens unfulfilled and hopeless.

Additionally, parents used to be the loudest and most influential voices in their child’s life. But couple the internet age with the pervasive nature of electronic media, social media, music, television, and movies, and you have an avalanche of other voices challenging the voice of moms and dads on a daily basis.

Kids are entering their teen years with mixed messages and they must decide which set of values to embrace: those of their parents or those of the culture? And their need for acceptance and peer approval often causes them to lean toward culture. As a result, many high school students today approve of and/or embrace behaviors formerly unthinkable.

The flesh can be described as our physical and sensual (i.e., the five senses) desires. It’s our nature to want to feel good. Being human, our flesh is prone to weakness from within and subject to temptation from without. The culture tells teens, “If it feels good, do it.” But it sends very few messages about the consequences for those behaviors, and even fewer messages of the value in restraint. Teens generally feel invincible, want to have fun, want to feel good, and most certainly do not want to wait … for anything.

Is it any wonder, in our media-saturated culture, that many teens succumb to these temptations? Unfortunately, the consequences to unbridled indulging can lead to all sorts of harmful behavior, addictions, depression, anger, and hopelessness.

The devil was described by Jesus as the “ruler of this world” and said he is an enemy who “comes but to steal, to kill and to destroy.” He is the primary influence behind the cultural values that are warring against our teens. Peter tells us that “our adversary, the devil, looks for those he can devour.” This generation has become easy prey.

Battle plan

So what do we do? Here are five strategies:

1. We go to war.

Paul tells us our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, rulers of darkness, and spiritual wickedness (Ephesians 6:12). He also tells us “For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds” (2 Corinthians 10:4).

Battle? Weapons? Yes! The famous Chinese military general Sun Tzu said, “If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.” Sadly many are trying to fight a well-armed enemy with pop-guns, or worse, no weapons at all! We must understand our enemy and learn how to fight him.

2. We pray.

We ask God to reveal Jesus and open hearts to truth. We declare His purposes will be established. And most importantly, we use Scripture as we pray over our children … the Word is our sword! And we hold up the shield of faith. Our teens need a revelation of Jesus and heart transformation. No behavioral modification plan or parenting skill can change a heart. Only Jesus can do that, and only in the life of a willing recipient.

3. We engage.

The fast pace of life in our society can keep us so busy with activity we often miss out on deep and meaningful relationships. A vital part of winning this war for the heart and mind of our teen is real communication and quality time with them. This is a critical and irreplaceable piece of the battle. We must regularly invest intentional time and interest in our teen, and in those things that are important to them.

4. We think strategically, asking God for His divine strategies.

I believe that teens are going to follow someone they think is cool. So, a wise parent will work to position “cool” young adults around their teen, those who will model a lifestyle that says “yes” to Jesus and “no” to the pervasive values of our culture and the passing pleasures of the flesh.

5. We get help.

We need others to join the battle and fight with us. And occasionally that means placing our child in the hands of others. At Shelterwood, for example, we pursue excellent clinical care, and we also provide teens with opportunities for spiritual growth and heart change. We teach our students how to recognize the stronghold lies they are believing, and we position them with opportunities to encounter the living God. We also surround them with young adult mentors who model a godly life in front of them.

Warning signs

Parents often ask, “What are the warning signs that should alert us to consider residential care?” Here is a list you can use to alert you of trouble:

Persistent defiance, rebellion, and outright lying
Depression, isolation, and suicidal communication
Refusing to participate in family activities
Secretive—not open about where they have been and who they have been with
Dramatic changes in behavior, friends, academics
Addictive behaviors—drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorders
Choosing poorly in relationships—known drug users, etc.

If you see any of these warning signs, discuss them with your teens in a spirit of genuine concern. If they get defensive and react strongly, it’s probably confirmation there really is a problem. The next step is to seek professional help, possibly from a therapist who shares your values, or it might mean a residential treatment program.

Parents face many challenges in raising teens today. The good news is that God is bigger and God is greater than every challenge you face. He longs to prove Himself faithful and mighty on your behalf. So strap up your spiritual armor (Ephesians 6), and fight for the heart and minds of your teens. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world (1 John 4:4); so take heart, mom and dad, for He has overcome the world.

Let’s say you and your child are at a play date, and another child offers a colorful presentation of precisely how not to behave. The parent is busy in conversation. Do you:

A. Make sure, in the car on the way home, that your child knows how appalling you find this behavior, and how proud you are that your child would never do something like that.

B. Hand the errant child a cup of goldfish crackers so he or she will stop the madness and make you all more comfortable … while flashing the oblivious parent a wide smile so he or she will feel accepted no matter what.

C. Ignore it. Your kids know better, and we certainly don’t want to raise little finger-pointers.

D. None of the above.

It’s a dilemma we each face on a regular basis, right? When a woman walks down the street in an outfit displaying a generous portion of her birthday suit … when another child uses language that might be more appropriate for late-night cable … when something pops up on a commercial that you wish your kids hadn’t just witnessed. How do we help our kids know how to react—and still not raise a bunch of mini-Pharisees?

Distinguishing discernment from judgment

First, it’s important to draw a line between “judging” and “discerning.” What’s the difference?

In a couple of words: humility and love.

Judging carries with it condemnation, and separation from its subject; it becomes a “me/them” comparison, a superior-to-inferior attitude. When you judge people for what they say or do, you place them beneath you. You lose perspective of who you are in the sight of God—namely, a sinner saved by grace who is nothing without Christ making you new every day in God’s mercy.

Discernment, on the other hand, recognizes a behavior as wrong—but does so out of a realization of your heart’s own constant struggle with sin. It shows compassion toward its object, still hating evil and clinging to good as God does. After all, justice is an indispensable ingredient of love, which craves the best for the one it loves. We wouldn’t want a medical doctor to pretend a sick person doesn’t have a problem. And we don’t want to do that with souls and hearts, either.

Discernment remembers, “What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?” (1 Corinthians 4:7). It says, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

Martin Luther famously wrote that we should preach the gospel to ourselves every day. In other words, we should never forget that we are sinners saved by grace. Jesus Himself praised the prayer, “Have mercy on me, a sinner.” It is critical to keep our need for Jesus before us—as well as God’s richness in our life because of Him rather than our own efforts.

So what does this look like practically, as we work to help our kids carefully discern good from evil—without developing hearts that condemn others?

1. Be upfront about your own sin and failures—and God’s forgiveness. When you talk openly with your kids about your own need for Jesus, you create an environment where grace trumps performance. Acknowledge that only because of God are we champions over sin. Discernment and hatred of evil start in our own hearts.

2. Ask your kids for forgiveness quickly, humbly, sincerely, and without excuse when you sin against them. This kind of authenticity communicates that we can repent, confess, apologize, and get on the path to restoration in our relationships. We don’t have to hide, pretend, or blame when we screw up.

3. Talk frequently about what you see, watch, listen to, and read. Scripture talks about having our “powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:14). Seize discussion opportunities to show your kids vividly how Scripture applies to every facet of life—perfect for “training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (see 2 Timothy 3:16-17).

Ask them what they think: What does God’s Word say about something you just saw in a movie? How does the Word apply in that situation with your child’s friend? In a decision you’re trying to make? When someone has gossiped about you? When you’ve royally screwed up?

4. Allow the gospel to influence your comments about others. Press your conversation through the sieve of grace, removing even the smallest fragments of condemnation. It’s good to talk with our kids about wrong behavior we see in others—to talk about God’s commands “when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). It’s also imperative that we emphasize our own need for grace and mercy, not our own superiority for our moral choices.

When you see someone’s sin, you might occasionally compare it to your own: “It’s kind of like the way I continue to struggle with being angry.” Watch your tone of voice. Do your kids hear a hint of disdain for “people like that,” or do they hear honesty and humility? Pray humbly and sincerely for those you see doing wrong rather than condemning them in front of your kids.

5. When disciplining children, focus more on the heart than on simply altering behavior. This helps draw a dotted line between our own sin and our need for God’s grace. Rather than training my kids like Pavlov’s dogs to “just behave!” I can help them increase their awareness of what’s truly burrowed within their own hearts: “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5).

Author Ginger Plowman suggests that, like Jesus, we ask probing, heart-related questions: whether they’re being unloving or loving, wise or foolish, truthful or false. We can train our kids to better understand why they’re making the choices they do, and what’s really motivating them. What do they want that perhaps they’re not getting? Are they obeying on the outside but rebelling on the inside? Whose attention are they really seeking—and who do they want to make look good?

After leading your children to discover more of their own heart, you might ask what they think God’s Word says about this—what behavior and heart attitude they should “put off” in this situation, and what they should “put on” (Ephesians 4:23-24). When appropriate, pray with your child about his or her heart.

In praising our kids, we can praise the true attitudes of their hearts—thanks to the Holy Spirit—far more than behavior. Again, this places our emphasis on cleanness on the inside, and God’s grace to get there, rather than on appearances, shame, and evading people’s disapproval.

6. Ask good questions:

“So what do you think about how that child behaved?”
“What do you think the Bible says about that?”
“Why do you think this person did this? What do you think he might have wanted inside that made him act like that?”

Help kids to see how our legitimate desires become demands, which we then meet in illegitimate, sinful ways. Without implying that these are excuses for wrongdoing, speak compassionately about the factors that can influence others’ behavior. Then kids can develop soft hearts of gratitude, patience, and understanding toward people who’ve received different grace than they: in their homes, their education, their opportunities, their experiences.

7. Talk about what we don’t know—and acknowledge that God alone is judge of the heart! When your kids talk about others’ misdeeds, we don’t need to speak firmly about things we don’t know (“That girl just doesn’t respect her body.” … “Those kids haven’t been taught how to respect adults”). Blanket statements don’t help us to see individuals and love them.

We also make generalizing judgments about groups of people: “Men don’t pick up on relational stuff like women do.”… “Women don’t like sex as much as men or want it as often.” … “Boys like that only want one thing.” Statements like these don’t open doors to loving well; they close them.

As parents, God has given us the opportunity to create and model a culture of humility in our homes. Rather than expanding the gulf between ourselves and others through subtle condemnation and superiority, we can close that gap by comprehending and appreciating our universal poverty without the cross.

Some 200 years ago, Adoniram Judson was preparing to take the gospel of Christ to the people of India. He also wanted to marry Ann Hasseltine. When he contacted Ann’s father, John, to ask for his blessing and permission for the marriage, here’s what he wrote:

I have now to ask whether you can consent to part with your daughter early next spring, to see her no more in this world; whether you can consent to her departure for a heathen land, and her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of a missionary life; whether you can consent to her exposure to the dangers of the ocean; to the fatal influence of the southern climate of India; to every kind of want and distress; to degradation, insult, persecution, and perhaps a violent death? Can you consent to all this for the sake of Him who left His heavenly home, and died for her and for you; for the sake of perishing immortal souls; for the sake of Zion and the glory of God? Can you consent to all this in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory, with a crown of righteousness brightened by the acclamations of praise which shall resound to her Saviour from heathens saved, through her means, from eternal woe and despair?

Now that is giving your daughter away! Knowing that walking her down the aisle might be the last time you would ever see her. You would have to wonder if your daughter was fully committed to this man and to the life he had to offer, if you were entrusting your little girl into trustworthy hands.

When I heard someone read this letter, it got my attention because this summer I have the rare privilege of giving two of my three daughters away in marriage.

Ever since my girls were little, I knew that there would probably come a time when I would walk each one down the aisle during a wedding ceremony and present her to another man—one to whom I would pass my mantle of authority and protection over my precious girls. For both daughters, their future husbands came to ask for my permission and blessing on the union. The requests they made were heartfelt and honest, their assurances genuine.

I gave my blessing to both young men. And I took the opportunity to give some godly advice and share my experience from 30 years with my wife, Ellie. But for me, the transition of my daughters to a new home and new family won’t be all that earth shaking. I will still see them regularly. Their surroundings, their standard of living, their comforts will pretty well remain the same, and our relationship will continue.

As you raise your little girls through childhood to adulthood, you try to make sure that your daughters will be be safe and happy, and you do what you can to help them experience their fullest potential God designed for them. But what if you were in different shoes? What if the transition for you (or them) wasn’t easy? What if you were John Hasseltine?

The truth is, your daughter is never yours in the first place. She belongs to God. He has entrusted her to you for a short time to nurture, to protect, to instruct, to prepare, to launch into the world. At some point in her life, He brings you to a point of giving your daughter away to some other man who offers his love and protection, and a common mission.

Hopefully, as an earthly father you have taught your daughters through word and example about the heavenly Father who loves them far more than you ever could, protects them far better than you ever could, and has life plans far more exciting and fulfilling than any you could create for them. Hopefully she will choose a husband who knows the same heavenly Father and wants to embark on a life of adventure to know all that God wants to do for them and through them.

John Hasseltine only saw his daughter Ann for two weeks after the wedding. She and Adoniram ended up serving in Burma, where Ann lived 15 difficult years before dying of smallpox. But her legacy remains. She and her husband translated the Bible into Burmese. Ann’s letters back to America encouraged many stateside Christians to invest their lives and money into overseas missions.

I don’t know how John Hasseltine felt, but I would have been so pleased to have given my daughter away to Adoniram, and given her back to God.

I was never good at changing dirty diapers. My wife, Debbie, changed many more diapers than I ever did with our three girls. Whether it was a weak stomach or a strong sense of smell, or just a selfish aversion to the task, I had trouble with dirty diapers. When there was no other way out and I had to do it, I’d wrap a towel around my face just to be able to handle the odor. And then, after I got that soiled diaper off the baby, I disposed of it as fast as I could. No one wants to linger in the presence of a dirty diaper.

When it comes to an unforgiving, bitter heart, understand this: Holding on to past hurts is like clinging to a dirty diaper. Refusing to forgive someone who hurt you is just like taking a soiled diaper and, instead of throwing it away, tucking it away in your breast pocket … and carrying it with you everywhere you go. That’s exactly what we do when we won’t forgive those who have hurt us, whether accidentally or intentionally. We take all that hurt and all that dirt and filth and bring it into our hearts, and we say, “I’m hanging on to this.” The irony, of course, is we imagine that by holding on to the dirty diaper, we will somehow hurt the person who has hurt us. How foolish.

Someone once said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill the person who hurt you. But it never hurts him; it just hurts you. If you drink the poison, then you will be poisoned … and your offender will go on enjoying his life.

God says you need to forgive, and that’s how you get rid of all that anger churning around inside you. You forgive the father who hurt you … the child who betrayed you … the employer who used and then discarded you … the business partner who cheated you … the spouse who divorced you … the friend who demeaned you. You let it go.

How do you do that? Maybe it will be a little like Peter’s experience in Matthew 14, when he crawled over the edge of the boat on that stormy night, and put his foot on the water. He had certainly never walked on water in his whole life until that moment, and really had no idea how he was going to do it this time. But Jesus had said, “Come,” so Peter stepped over the edge and did the impossible. And that first step was probably the most frightening one of all.

Even though you may not feel like doing this—even though it may seem as difficult as stepping over the side of a boat on a wild, windswept night—you must say, “God, I need You, and I affirm that at this very moment, I forgive the person who hurt me. Father, You deal with him [or her], and please let Your transforming grace flow through my heart right now.”

In Romans 12, Paul wrote: “Never pay back evil with more evil … Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord” (verses 17-19, NLT).

People who refuse to forgive those who have harmed them must deal with the Lord’s strong, sobering words in Matthew 6:14-15: “If you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”

Wow. Did you catch that? If you won’t forgive those who hurt you, He won’t forgive you.

Someone once told a famous preacher of yesteryear, “I cannot forgive this man for what he did to me.” And that preacher wisely replied, “Well then, I suggest you never sin again, because God won’t forgive you if you won’t forgive that man.”

Maybe that’s where you are today. Perhaps you are holding on to a memory of something someone did to you or said to you five years ago—or 10, or 20, or 50 years ago. You’ve clung to the dirty diaper of unforgiveness all this time, and it’s become toxic to your system. We fool ourselves if we claim that we have a walk with the Lord while still holding on to bitterness and hatred in our hearts. How can we be in fellowship with God when He has told us clearly that He won’t forgive our sins unless we forgive the sins of others against us?*

Be honest here. Are you having difficulty forgiving? Then remember how often you have offended God, and how much He has forgiven you. You’ve hurt Him countless times more than anybody could have ever hurt you. You’ve sinned against God over and over (and over and over …) again, and so have I. But God has forgiven us by His grace … and that grace enables us to forgive others.

*Editor’s note: This Scripture does not tell us that we will lose our salvation if we do not forgive others. Instead, it speaks of a believer’s daily walk with God, and the fact that unconfessed sin will short-circuit our relationship with Him. See 1 John 1:5-10.

“Sins cannot be undone, only forgiven”–Composer Igor Stravinsky

“For the sake of your name, O Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great” (Psalm 25:11)

Dad sighed and asked us, “What’s your plan?”

My husband, Ron, leaned forward and said, “Plan? Plan for what?” “

You two are going to have to figure out why your marriage fell apart … how to fix it … how to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Ron replied, “Well … I don’t know if we need to do all that. I don’t even want to talk about what she did. It’s too painful. Nancy’s back home now—we’ll just move on from here.”

Dad continued, “I wish it were that simple. But it’s not. Your marriage was fractured. If you rebuild a house on a cracked foundation, it might be all right for a while, but when the storms come, that fracture will divide your house. Ron, if you don’t repair the foundation of your marriage, it won’t survive. You can’t just ignore the fact that your wife had an affair. The memory of Nancy’s betrayal and the guilt she will carry will be unbearable. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until you, Ron, make one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.”

“What decision is that?”

“Has Nancy told you she’s sorry for what she’s done?”

“Yes, she’s apologized several times.”

“Did she ask you to forgive her?”

“No.”

Dad turned to me and continued, “Nancy, when you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your ‘sorry-ness’ is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you—that’s their decision. It’s difficult because it gives all the power to the other person.”

Then he spoke to Ron, who looked confused and apprehensive. “Ron, when you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. If you decide to forgive Nancy, you can never use her sin against her, and God will give you the strength to start a new life together. But if you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish her, and keep her wound open—I don’t think you’ll stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce her, but I want you both to pray about what I’ve said, and make your decisions. We will continue this conversation in the morning.”

After a long and restless night, my voice trembled as I said, “Daddy, I want to ask Ron to forgive me, but what do I say?”

“Tell him what you want to be forgiven for, and then simply ask him. Ron will decide whether to forgive you … or not. You ask; he answers. It’s the simplest thing you two will ever do—and the hardest.”

I looked over at my sweet, wounded husband and saw the wide-eyed face of a frightened twelve-year-old boy. I spoke quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the safety of the moment. “Ron, I’ve betrayed you mentally, spiritually, and physically. I’ve lied to you and deceived you. I have no defense, no excuses. I’ve sinned against God and you. Can you—will you please forgive me?”

He leaned forward, never letting go of my eyes. The little boy was gone as my strong and confidant husband took my hands in his and said, “Nancy, we have both done and said terrible things to each other. Our marriage was a mess—and a lot of it was my fault. You have betrayed me, but I choose to forgive you.”

We both began to cry and our tears mixed with the river of divine love that flowed through the room. Our hearts were knit together as we began again—with a solid marriage foundation.

However, my personal foundation was still unstable. My lies had been so tangled with truth that I wasn’t sure which was which. I slowly began to untie the knots of my life. I was relieved to be done with deceit, but because its shadows, exaggerations, and half-truths had been my companions for months, the light of the whole truth seemed harsh, like walking out into full sunlight after watching an afternoon matinee in a dark theater.

I was full of self-doubt and couldn’t believe how easily I’d been swept away by my feelings. I didn’t plunge into sin—I drifted in, like floating on an air mattress and falling asleep only to wake up a half mile from the beach. I had to swim with all my strength to pull my heart back to shore.

Ron forgave me—miraculously. He let go of the pain and moved into freedom. I, however, got stuck in the sorrow of regret. Receiving and believing in my forgiveness was tedious, treacherous. One step forward; two steps back. The memories kept haunting me, surprising me—triggered by the scent of a stranger’s cologne or the melody of a song. The shame of past pleasures followed me.

Eventually though, I came to see that I would have to surrender to the forgiveness in order to free myself from the prison. God and my husband had already given me the keys, but I had refused to use them. Finally, one day, I did.

I found victory through surrender as I prayed, “Lord, I give up. I cannot carry this anymore. I know that You have forgiven me and so has Ron, and today I choose to receive that forgiveness. Now I ask You for strength as I let go of the guilt, the shame, the sorrow, and I choose to walk toward Your light. You have set free, so I am free indeed.”

I refused to entertain the stray thoughts anymore. Instead, I replaced them with images of the new life that Ron and I were building. I also discovered that encouraging others with our story of restoration gave a purpose to our pain. This summer, we will celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary and our marriage is strong, loving, and healed.

When my husband, David, and I were dating, I thought he was Prince Charming come to life. He did a lot of wonderful things, like take me on romantic dates and listen intently to my stories. One of the biggest impressions he made was the fact that even though he was a football fan, he rarely watched it on television—an endearing quality to a girl who didn’t grow up in a football home. I think we spent only one Saturday afternoon during our engagement cheering his favorite college team together.

What I didn’t know then was that after he dropped me off from our dates, he would stay up hours after midnight researching professional football players on the internet and updating his Fantasy Football rosters. Funny … he conveniently forgot to mention that to me!

After our wedding in September (smack in the busiest part of football season), I was soon disillusioned by his sports habit and by the realization that this ritual would be a consuming part of everyday life each and every year from August to January. He watched hours of football on Sundays, and then there was the big Monday night game, most Thursday games, and occasional Saturdays.

I was more than disappointed—I felt deceived. I was beginning to see that he wasn’t perfect after all. And there were still many shortcomings to discover. During the years, I’ve been privileged to see the behind-the-scenes footage unfold—from disagreeable spending habits to the way he sticks his foot in his mouth when he’s angry with me.

The truth became clear—I married a sinner.

We are all guilty

It’s easy to see faults in other people, isn’t it? I can tell you all about someone else’s faults, but ask me about my own, and I might miss a few. My husband, however, could probably triple my list. I’m sure there were times when David felt somewhat deceived when he married me—I was putting my best foot forward as much as he was.

I certainly can’t claim to be the perfect wife. I know when I’m acting out of sinful behavior—rolling eyes, deep heavy sighs, finger-pointing. Not exactly Christ-like. The fact is, David married a sinner, too! And so did your spouse. We are all sinners in need of each other’s forgiveness and grace.

Somehow we have been convinced that our spouses should be like fairytale royalty—always perfect, always attractive, always sensitive to our needs. Yet we don’t expect to be treated with the same standard. We expect our spouses to be tolerant of our sins, but not the other way around.

Practicing what we preach

All of us should expect our spouses to fail from time to time. We shouldn’t be surprised when it happens, but instead let it push us to build marriages that are grace-filled. One definition of grace is “unmerited favor,” which means extending kindness to your spouse even when he doesn’t deserve it. This is how God treats us—giving gifts and joys and good things even when our sinfulness should keep us from it. And that’s how God expects us to treat one another.

Realizing that we’re married to sinners gives us Christians the opportunity to practice what we preach. It’s easy to talk about love, grace, and mercy, but not so easy to do. But as the book of James reminds us, if you can’t put your words into practice, how can you say that you really believe it? “Faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself. But someone may well say, ‘You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works’” (James 2:17-18).

Instead of dwelling on disappointment when your spouse fails, ask yourself what you can do to encourage your husband as he pulls himself back up. In their book Building Your Mate’s Self-Esteem, Dennis and Barbara Rainey refer to this as giving your spouse the “freedom to fail.”

When you give your mate the freedom to fail, you begin to remove the pressure to perform for acceptance. You free your mate to take risks and try again. You free him to excel. Failure then becomes a tutor, not a judge. In the presence of freedom, we learn from failures instead of being intimidated by them. In the absence of condemnation, confidence in how God can use you mounts.

Unfortunately, couples are often so preoccupied by taking score of each other’s shortcomings that they miss out on one of the greatest blessings of marriage—the benefit of not having to live under pressure to be perfect. It’s the one relationship, other than our relationship with Christ, where we can feel secure knowing that someone loves us for who we are, warts and all, and there is great peace in that.

What can you do today to bring grace into your spouse’s life? Are there any words of encouragement that he needs to hear from you? Do you need to work on areas of ending bitterness and extending forgiveness? If you’re having trouble giving grace and forgiveness to your husband, try making a list of all your own faults, and consider how God has forgiven you. Then learn to extend that same grace to your spouse. As you do, your marriage will become less focused on faults and more focused on love.

Editor’s Note: Kirk and Chelsea Cameron met while filming the 1980s sitcom, Growing Pains. Both had been believers in Jesus Christ for about a year; they fell in love and got married. Later they appeared in the Left Behind Series and the movie Fireproof.

Although Hollywood has a reputation for being hard on marriages, somehow Kirk and Chelsea have been married for almost 20 years. But like couples in and out of Hollywood, their relationship has had many ups and downs.

This article is adapted from the Camerons’ message during FamilyLife’s recent Love Like You Mean It marriage cruise.

Kirk: Hollywood has a horrible reputation with marriage. How many times do you hear of a couple who hangs in there and stays together? It seems like a very unlikely place for two people to find one another, share a love for Jesus Christ, and make a marriage that will work and be strong and healthy. Fortunately God doesn’t play by chances. He had different plans for us.

Chelsea: Kirk and I moved intentionally away from Hollywood. We thought it would be good for our marriage just to get away from the heart of all of that. We quickly learned that our problems had very little to do with location. The problem was our own pride and that sense of “Don’t tell me what to do,” and “Don’t criticize me,” and “How dare you do that?” And the problem was my focus on Kirk and what he should be and what he promised he would be … and my refusal to look at what I was called to be regardless of who he is.

Kirk: When Chelsea and I first met … I vowed in my heart that I would never, ever break her heart. But I began to neglect my wife and my kids. I began to focus my time and my attention and my affections on ministry rather than where it should have been. I would travel around and speak at this church and that church and I felt like I was a hero—I was the guy from Hollywood who had become a Christian and was talking about the Lord and about marriage. I felt like I could do no wrong and was hitting home runs right and left, and yet at home my wife’s heart was being broken and our trust and relationship was being damaged.

A mistress can wear many faces. It doesn’t have to be the postman or the secretary; it can be a million other things that steal your heart and your affection away from your spouse. It can be your job, sports, a title, a position. It can be your congregation, hobbies—just stuff. In Proverbs 5 there’s a whole chapter that warns us to stay away from the seductress. “Her voice is sweet, her lips drips with honey but her feet will take you down a path that leads to death and destruction and hell. Don’t fall for her.”

Chelsea: I started keeping a record of how Kirk had wronged me and had a list of the majors and the minors. It was like a wall came up between us because he had hurt me.

And I knew if I did not figure this out, we were not going to finish.

I started to learn that I could not change Kirk. Only God changes people and we sometimes spend a lifetime trying to change and control another person.There is only one person you can control and that’s yourself.

I remember praying through tears and just saying, Lord, I don’t really know how to do this! I needed to stop praying for a new husband and start asking God to change me so that I could give my husband a new me. I started listening to pastors and teachers and mentors and I just started on this journey of, What is this all supposed to be anyway, this thing called marriage?

Then I heard a message by Dr. James McDonald on forgiveness. I was so convicted because I knew what I’d been forgiven of. I knew that God didn’t look at my life when I came to Christ in repentance and faith and say, “Okay, that one I’ll forgive you and I’ll forgive you that and that. But we will wait on that. Oh, that’s way too big. We’re not forgiving that …”

Dr. McDonald described forgiveness to me in a way that changed my life. Because you know, you can be told to do something, but you don’t know how to do it. He said there are two parts of forgiveness. The first is a crisis of decision. It’s basically, Lord you have forgiven me of so much in my life, every day in my life. I need to let this go. I need to forgive like you forgive. I need to lay this at the cross.

He said to release the one who hurt you from the obligation that occurred when you were hurt. You just lay it at the cross. There is only one way out of that dark hall and it’s through forgiveness. And then there’s the process of living it out.

You say, Lord, now I’ve failed you. I gave this to You. I’ve let it go. Take this from me and help me to show forth love. Help me to forgive like You. It’s that process of going to the cross. As you do, you are reminded of what you are forgiven of.

Forgiveness is not picking through the circumstances. It’s not keeping that one hurt in your back pocket. It’s being able to say, Lord I want to be like You. Create in me a clean heart. Renew a right spirit in me.

I’ve learned that when you do that, the joy and blessings start to flow back into your home. This would even show up in my ability to smile. It seems so small, but relationships are built on joy. You love that person who delights in you, who smiles at you, who has that joy for you. That’s lost if there’s a root of unforgiveness in your life.

And once you just go to the cross and start the process, God allows that joy to start coming back into you. It was almost like God looked at me and said, “Now you get it. Now you understand. Now you are going to partner with Me. You are going to leave him to Me. And you are going to get your part right.”

If you have Christ, He will give you the ability to forgive. You just have to humble yourself and let that pride go and say, Lord, when I can’t do it for him, God, I can do it for You. And You will produce that feeling of love again.

Kirk: It’s very powerful for the person who is on the receiving end of that kind of forgiveness. Chelsea was able to forgive me for things that I could not fix or go back in time and change. Because of choices I had made that had broken her heart or shattered some trust. I had burned some bridges and I so badly wanted that to be behind us so that we could move forward. I did not want to be defined by decisions of my past.

When she was able to forgive me, it took a huge weight off of my shoulders and allowed me to move forward, knowing that our best days were going to be ahead of us.

I looked at Chelsea and thought, Wow! God is at work in her heart and I have married way up, and I want to be the man that God calls me to be.

The first step toward a healthy marriage is having our hearts right with God—to be born again. We need to be in a right relationship with God. If you don’t have a supernatural transformation of the heart, it’s all going to be useless because you’re going to run out of steam and it’s not going to happen. It starts with the heart on the inside.

It comes down to one thing: the cross. That’s the secret weapon to defeating the sin in your marriage, or in your life, and defending your relationship. It’s the cross—having an attitude of humility and repentance and saying, God, I have sinned against you. Would you please forgive me? You died to pay the price for my sin because I couldn’t pay that big of a price. I deserve hell and you’re offering me forgiveness. You’re offering me eternal life.

When you go to the cross, you see a picture of all the love that you need to show to your spouse. You receive power to do it when it feels impossible.

How do you love your wife when she is just so cold and bitter and removed and how do you love her when you feel nothing? Or how do you love your husband when he’s hurt you, when he’s broken your trust, shattered your heart?

You do it the same way Christ loved you when you were unlovable and not worthy of His love.

Chelsea: At the end of time I want my kids to say, “My mom was the most joyful woman I ever knew. No matter what happened, she always loved my dad. She was committed.” And mostly I want them to say, “My mom loved Jesus Christ above everything else in life.”

I’m not going to have the joy, I’m not going to love Kirk through thick and thin, if I don’t love Jesus Christ with all of my heart, because that’s where it all comes from. That’s where it all starts.

Forgiveness is incredibly powerful. If it could be bottled, a daily dose would probably save a lot of marriages. But what, exactly, does it mean to forgive? What are the “active ingredients”? How do we learn to forgive?

Embracing what Jesus has done for us and extending that in thought, word, and deed to others is the essence of forgiveness. In forgiving one another, we draw on the forgiveness that Jesus has given us by making a decision to release another from the penalty of sin. Rather than drawing a curtain and pushing each other away, we push sin and judgment away and draw near to each other. Put as simply as possible, forgiveness is releasing the other from the penalty of sin so the relationship can be restored.

Think about forgiveness in terms of four basic decisions that reflect the way God forgives us:

A decision to release

Forgiveness means letting go of your right to punish another and choosing through the power of God’s love to hold onto the other person rather than his or her offense.

In the process of forgiving, the first barrier you have to remove is within yourself. You have to decide to let go of the offense along with your desire to punish the offender. You have to decide to see your spouse instead of the offense. Often the decision to let go has to be renewed daily, hourly, or even more often. The bigger the offense, the more challenging it can be to let go; but the less you ruminate on the offense and feed your anger, the easier it becomes.

Understanding forgiveness as a decision to let go is important because we often confuse forgiveness with our emotions. When this happens forgiveness ebbs and flows as our emotions ebb and flow. When we don’t feel angry, we think we’ve forgiven, but when anger resurfaces it seems we’re back to square one. Just when we think an issue has been laid to rest for good, it pops up again. While forgiveness affects and can bring relief to our emotions, it’s much more than an emotion. It’s a decision we make based on our worship of God to forgive as he forgives. God’s forgiveness isn’t a declaration of emotion but a declaration that his people are forgiven and pardoned from their sins just as a judge would dismiss a case from a courtroom. In that sense, forgiveness is a decision, a declaration, a once-for-all-time pronouncement.

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But what if you can’t stop thinking about it? When you dwell on an incident, it may mean there are lingering questions or anxiety about what’s happened. Look for unresolved issues or unanswered questions. Are there hurts that you never revealed? Is there something missing or wrong in the way your spouse is dealing with his or her sin?

Also explore the possibility that there’s a hidden benefit to dwelling on the incident. Sometimes we prefer to live in a self-protective cocoon of anger rather than risk the trust required to forgive. Holding onto an offense may afford a sense of moral superiority over our spouses and distract us from having to look at our own hearts. If this is the case, focus on God’s love and mercy and ask Him to help you forgive. You may also want to enlist the encouragement and prayers of wise friends or a counselor.

Forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting. It isn’t a divine form of amnesia. God doesn’t ask us to live as people without a history or pretend that sins never happened. In fact, being able to recall how God has delivered us through marital storms, empowering us to confess, forgive, and overcome, can give us hope and an anchor in future storms. Stories of forgiveness and reconciliation can also become part of the way you seek to strengthen and encourage others in their marriages. Remember that it’s one thing to dwell on an incident with thankfulness for how God has worked in your marriage but quite another to dwell on it and find you anger and hurt reawakened.

A decision to sacrifice

God’s forgiveness required the sacrifice of His Son to pay the penalty for sin. Our forgiveness requires sacrifices, too, though of a different sort. Your suffering doesn’t atone for your spouse’s sin, but you’ll have to sacrifice in several ways:

You’ll have to accept the wound that you’ve received from your spouse. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t happen or running from it. Face the pain of the offense and the discomfort of talking about it, so your spouse can know how you’ve been hurt and have an opportunity to turn from sin and receive mercy and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a sacrifice in the sense that you’re choosing the more difficult path. You’re sacrificing the temporary comfort of ignoring the problem or the temporary pleasure of erecting a wall of bitterness and instead doing the hard and sometimes painful work of moving toward the one who has wounded you.

It also means that you’re letting go of any future payback. You’re sacrificing all of the moments that you’ll want to remind your spouse of how he or she has wronged you, wanting to cause the same kind of pain you’ve been caused, taking comfort in the power of making your spouse earn back your love and affection.

An important way that you sacrifice your claim to justice is by refusing to bring up the matter in a harmful way. That means, for example, no subtle digs and not using it as a trump card in the next argument. This is an extension of your decision to release your spouse from penalty. If you’re successfully putting off negative musings then you’re much less likely to use the incident against your spouse in the future. If you repeatedly bring up the matter for the purpose of hurting your spouse, reaffirm you decision to release him or her from penalty. Reflect to see if you’re regularly reviewing the hurt in your mind and why.

The key phrase in this commitment is “in a harmful way.” Even in the context of a conflict, it may be helpful to understand how a current problem is related to a past problem. Being able to identify a pattern of problems in marriage can lead to a deeper understanding of what’s going on beneath the surface. So, for example, a wife who has recently sinned by losing her temper over several different incidents may need to be encouraged to notice the rising tide in her anger. A loving husband would naturally want to help her think through and understand what’s driving the recent spike in anger, to get beneath events to underlying issues. That doesn’t demonstrate a lack of forgiveness but wisdom and love.

Don’t gossip about the issue. Talking to others about the incident probably means that you’re nursing your memory of the offense. Notice how often you’re thinking about this incident, what your attitudes are about it, and why.

A desire to talk to others may also be a sign that you need to talk more to your spouse about the incident but can’t. If you’re afraid that raising the issue again will hurt your spouse or if he or she has asked you not to bring it up again, remind yourself and your spouse that forgiveness is a process, that you’re committed to forgiving, but that you need help thinking and talking it through if your forgiveness is going to grow.

A decision to trust that God is up to good

As Jesus sacrificed He had to entrust Himself to God. He had to trust that God would really deal with the sin that He, Jesus, was paying for. He trusted that forgiveness would make a difference and that His sacrifice was not in vain. He trusted that God would protect Him, even raise Him from the dead. He trusted that God would renew and restore His people.

You, too, have to trust God when you choose to forgive. You have to trust that God will both heal your hurts and use your sacrifice to restore your relationship. When you forgive you have to trust that you aren’t being a fool, but that God will work through your forgiveness. Your forgiveness doesn’t guarantee a change in your spouse, but it does guarantee that you’ll grow and that you’ll be protected from bitterness. Trust that forgiveness is the path that God provides to draw back the curtains that separate you and your spouse. Trust that forgiveness will renew your marriage.

A decision to grow

No matter how sincere the confession and commitment to change, your spouse may again sin against you. Remember that change is a process. The forgiveness that God gives us based on Jesus’ one-time death on the cross is bestowed on us day by day for the rest of our lives. A purpose of that forgiveness, restoring us to His perfect image, is a process that takes a lifetime.

As God perfects His image in you, forgiveness is something that you’ll become better at. On some days, forgiveness will seem natural and easy. On other days you’ll feel ready to overturn the decision you made the day before. Jesus has begun a wonderful work in you but you aren’t fully mature. Growing in forgiveness will require you to stay focused on Jesus, interacting with Him and learning from him just as you must do in every other area of life.

Do you have a situation where forgiveness seems impossible? Perhaps you’re thinking, “I just can’t forgive this person for what he’s done to me. It’s too painful to deal with. He’s done it too many times. He’s hurt me too deeply.”

But the power—and the beauty—of the transformed Christian life is that “it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13, NKJV). It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes.

It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be—it can only be—the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength.

God’s love—and Lorna’s

Several years ago, I met a dear woman named Lorna Wilkinson, whose husband had brought a great deal of discord and mistrust into their marriage. He was an alcoholic, and his condition had worsened over the years, bringing with it all the turmoil that tends to accompany substance abuse: financial pressure, irresponsibility, the chaos of never being able to depend on him, never knowing if he’d be where he said he would.

Finally Lorna decided that she had been through enough. She came to the conclusion that divorce was the only way out, the best way she knew to salvage what remained of her life.

So she took the step. She filed all the paperwork, asked him to leave, and prepared to move on.

She was not yet a believer. But providentially, right at that critical juncture in her life, she “happened” to tune in to a Revive Our Hearts radio program, when I was teaching about forgiveness. Her heart was gripped as she learned of the incredible forgiveness God offers through Christ, the way He deals with our sin by perfectly releasing us, thus enabling us to extend the same kind of forgiveness to others.

Day after day, this needy woman continued to listen to the broadcast, her thirsty heart drinking in the truth of the Word. Within a short period of time, her eyes had been opened and she was brought to faith in Christ.

But her divorce was still moving forward … until the day her phone rang. It was her husband, saying he was sick.

“At the time, I was still frustrated and angry to some degree,” she admits. “I said, ‘Why are you calling me? Why don’t you call 911?'”

He did. Just in time. Her husband was having a heart attack.

Extended family began to gather at the hospital, not sure if he was going to make it. Part of her wanted to be done with him, but somewhere in the depths of her heart, the Lord seemed to be saying, “Go whisper in your husband’s ear that he doesn’t have to worry about a place to live. Tell him he can come home.”

The gift of forgiveness

That day, amid a tangle of tubes and wires and other life-saving devices, Lorna gave her husband the most revitalizing gift of all: the gift of forgiveness.

By God’s grace, he did recover. He came home. He was a changed man. Miraculously, he no longer had the urge to smoke or drink. He landed a full-time job and began working faithfully to provide for his family. Newfound love entered their home, a desire to pray and worship, a focus on lasting priorities. There were flowers, postcards, candlelit dinners. Everything.

Early in the process of restoration, there were moments when those old feelings would flood back in Lorna’s heart. Lord, I can’t do this, she would cry out in prayer. I cannot love him the way You intended me to love. But I am asking You, Lord, to give me Your love, to just let it flow through me to this man.

And God’s love slowly began to melt the awful memories. One by one, she began entering into each of those descriptive phrases in 1 Corinthians 13—”Love is patient and kind … does not insist on its own way … rejoices with the truth … bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

As God’s love began to fill their home, Lorna and her husband started to experience the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of but had given up hope of ever having. In fact, four months after they were reconciled, Lorna’s husband woke her early one morning to say, “I now know that a man should love his wife the way God has loved us. I want to tell you, Lorna, at this moment, I love you that way.”

These were the last words she would ever hear from his lips.

“Do not give up on your spouse”

Within hours, a second massive heart attack took him home to be with the Lord. Imagine where Lorna and her children might be today if she had chosen the logical way, the natural way, the vengeful way—the bitter path of unforgiveness.

Imagine the lives that would still be in shambles, the regrets that would have lingered for a lifetime.

“Do not give up on your marriage,” she urged the listeners in an interview. “Do not give up on your spouse. Take it to the Lord in prayer and always remember: What you are not able to do for yourself, He will do it for you and in you.”

Certainly, not every marriage is remedied the way Lorna’s was, even by forgiveness. But even when you can’t see the results—though the situation may not clear up entirely or get any better at all—you can still know that you’ve done what God has required of you. You can continue to forgive as His grace and love flow through you. And you can walk in peace—His peace.

“I sat down to type a scathing rant about gay marriage,” wrote blogger Matt Walsh. “I sat down to tell the world that gay marriage is the greatest threat to the sanctity of marriage. But then I remembered … a sign I saw on the side of the road a little while back. Divorce for sale! Only $129! And then I remembered an article I read last week about the new phenomenon of “divorce parties.” Divorced is the new single, the divorce party planner tells us …

“And then I remembered that … there is one divorce every 13 seconds, or over 46,000 divorces a week in this country. And then I remembered that … there are half as many divorces as there are marriages in a single year. … And then I remembered how many Christian churches gave up on marriage long ago, allowing their flock to divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry …”

As Walsh discovered, the most important question is not, “What are we going to do about same-sex marriage?” It’s, “What are we going to do about marriage?”

Christians, if we are aware, will find redemptive opportunities all around us. We can propose the good gifts of marriage and sexual wholeness to a culture whose sexual ethic is bringing slavery instead of freedom. As we do so, we can point people to Jesus Christ, the ultimate source of all freedom.

Christians, have hope. We still have much to offer the world.

1. We can teach and model what marriage is and how it fits in God’s plan. A recent Pew Research study found that an increasing number of Americans considers marriage to be obsolete. It’s one thing to think marriage is good or bad, but it’s quite another to think it just doesn’t matter. Beyond getting marriage wrong, the evidence shows that as a culture we just don’t get marriage.

For all the seminars and sermons offered by churches across America teaching how to have a “happy” marriage, a “fulfilled” marriage, or a “meaningful” marriage, there are precious few that disciple believers about God’s intent and design for marriage. Those who do not understand and cannot articulate the meaning of marriage will either be unwilling or unable to stand against that which compromises it. The deafening silence from so many Christians about same-sex marriage indicates they don’t understand what is at stake.

But arguments only go so far. Seeing marriage modeled is every bit as important as hearing it explained. Good marriages breed good marriages. The church should be a place where those that want marriage mentors can find them, and where those that don’t want them will get them anyway.

2. We can take a strong stand against divorce, as God does. Because divorce is so common, condemning it risks sounding incredibly harsh to those who have personally experienced it. We do not intend to single out those who have been divorced, or pretend marriage is easy, or imply divorce is never justified. But we cannot ignore the clear teaching of Scripture. According to Malachi 2:13-16, divorce caused God to reject the offerings of the Israelites. It is, God says, an act of violence (verse 16). According to some translations of this verse, God also says definitively, “I hate divorce.” Of course He does. He hates anything that so damages children, adults, communities, or a nation.

The church used to be the “go-to” place for relationships and marriage, but when a marriage is in jeopardy today, where do couples turn? Do they look to the church for help or to professional counselors and divorce attorneys? If churches owned a proven track record for helping distressed marriages, the answer would be clear. The number of intact families in a community should become a factor by which churches measure ministry success.

On a personal level, we must have the courage to say “no” to divorce, both to ourselves and, when appropriate, to others. Of course, there are situations when divorce is the only option, but it’s always a tragedy. And with so many in our communities impacted by divorce, we must honor our responsibility to care for its victims.

3. We can honor the created connection between sex, marriage, and procreation. Somewhere in the middle of the last century, procreation was disconnected from marriage, in principle and practice. Many Christian couples today see no problem in marrying while planning to never have children, either by procreation or via adoption.

While health, family, or financial considerations may justify the choice to limit the number of children, the most common reason is the culturally sacred idol of personal choice. Severing the tie between marriage and children compromises the role marriage plays in securing the future of a culture and furthers the destructive notion that marriage is just about furthering personal happiness. Plus, it obscures that one function of marriage that clearly demonstrates why marriage requires a man and a woman.

Do we teach the created connection between sex, marriage, and procreation to our congregations, especially to those young couples headed for marriage? Do we help them think through the ethical implications of various methods of birth control? Do we undermine the connection between marriage and babies in some way?

When we promote chastity to teenagers, for example, by promising that “the best sex happens in marriage,” while never teaching the inherent relationship sex has to marriage and children, we risk reinforcing bad thinking about the purpose of sex, and therefore marriage. This amounts to Christianizing the notion that sex is only for pleasure, and marriage only for happiness. We must teach the full picture of what sex is for.

4. We can flee sexual immorality and seek healing for our own sexual brokenness. Sin disfigures our hearts and minds. It twists us away from the people we are supposed to be. Disordered sex is particularly insidious in this way. It takes over our affections and destroys both others and us.

At the same time, we ought never imply that sexual sin is, in any form, unforgiveable. In an age of such widespread sexual sin and brokenness, we must proclaim the full hope of the gospel. Neither heterosexual nor homosexual sin places us outside the redemptive reach of Christ.

Unfortunately, in some Christian communities, confession of sexual struggle brings shame and shunning. We’ve both seen close friends treated as unclean, even after sincere repentance. More horrific is when victims of sexual abuse or assault are treated this way! What does this communicate to them and to non-believers about the grace of God? We must tell the truth about sexuality, but we are called to be healers and reconcilers (2 Corinthians 5:17-21), as much as we are called to be truth-tellers.

5. We can recognize our own responsibility to the institution of marriage. Parents, are we modeling a biblical marriage to our children, and to their friends who may not have that model in their life? Are we actively seeking to strengthen our marriages? Have we taught our kids what marriage is and why it is so important to God, as well as to a flourishing culture?

Pastor, does your congregation know that you love and cherish your wife and kids, even more than you seek the success of the next program? Have you taught the biblical view of marriage from the pulpit? Do you equip your congregation to defend natural marriage through classes, books, or other resources? Is your church active in the lives of married couples, offering mentoring classes as well as divorce intervention and recovery help? Is your church a safe place where people can confess sexual sin, and find healing and restoration? Are you and your congregation anticipating and planning for the legal and moral challenges that are created because of same-sex marriage?

Youth workers, do you teach your students a biblical worldview of marriage? Do you model sexual purity and a healthy marriage to your students? Do you bring older couples into your youth ministry for mentoring and modeling? Are you actively helping your students handle sexual temptation, especially pornography?

Students and singles, is there someone in your life that you look to as a model of a healthy marriage? Have you taken time to build up your understanding of marriage so that you can articulate it to others? Are you staying accountable to parents and peers about what you are looking at on the internet?

We all have a role to play, and there’s plenty we can do. If we feel defeated or demoralized by the speed and breadth in which same-sex marriage has been embraced in our society, we must start now to rebuild a culture in which the differences between it and marriage as it was created to be is obvious.

Christian parents want their children to grow up to walk with Christ. So we’re dismayed when we see so many leaving the church as young adults. In a FamilyLife Today® interview, Dr. Ken Hemphill talks about raising children with a kingdom mindset. Ken is a national strategist for empowering kingdom growth for the Southern Baptist Convention. He is a former pastor and was president of Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas.

Dennis Rainey: It doesn’t take a social scientist to look around at the children as they graduate from high school and see how many of them are defecting from the faith and no longer attending church. In fact, the Southern Baptist Convention now tells us that around four out of five of the youth in their churches no longer attend church and that many are defecting from their faith by their freshman year in college.

Ken Hemphill: According to a recent study, about 70 percent of young people who grow up in an evangelical home … when they return from university, they rarely return to the church. Now, I’m not talking about their home church, I’m talking about church anywhere.

The disconnect is that their parents were involved in church, but church was not involved in their home, if you get the connection here. In fact, they said the greatest at-risk teenager in America is not the teenager whose parents were atheist or agnostic, but … those who were nominal Christians.

Dennis: I worked with high school students in the 1970s … and over a period of five years, what I noticed was that the kids who were least likely to catch a fire for Christ and get an intense love for Christ were those children who grew up in what I would call “nominal” Christian homes where the parents weren’t inflaming their children’s hearts with a love for Christ.

Ken: Here was the thing that stunned us in this study … they were talking about [parents] who were involved at church—they were Sunday school teachers and deacons and elders. They were in church, but church was never in their homes.

So these kids, they would say, “I believe the Bible is true,” but they didn’t relate the Bible to real world and real history. They would see their parents come home from church … [and] the way they treat their kids, the way they treat their business employees, does not connect with anything they heard from the pulpit. … They go to church, they hear these sermons about truth and truth-telling and the Word of God being truth, and then they see their parents—on a regular basis—lie to each other or to their neighbors or to their kids. … They see their parents saying, endorsing one thing and living out another. That’s where the disconnect is happening.

Bob Lepine: So when you sit down to address parents on raising children with kingdom purpose, are you really starting off by saying, “Mom and Dad, we’ve got to talk about you before we talk about what you do with your children?”

Ken: Let me give you my definition of why we’re here. We are here to advance God’s kingdom by His power and for His glory. Where do I get that definition? Well, I got it out of the benediction of the Lord’s Prayer: “For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory.”

I think that our purpose here on planet earth is to advance the kingdom of God, which is His reign and rule over the nations. His heartbeat—His agenda—is that all tribes, tongues, and peoples come to know Him as their rightful King.

This theme just goes all the way through Scripture. I think many Christians—myself included for much of my life—gave lip service to the fact that we were created for another kingdom, but we actually live life like it was about this kingdom. And that’s the tragedy of many parents … we want our kids to succeed at college … we want [them] to be good baseball players or good athletes or good ballerinas or good artists. We oftentimes push them in those agendas at the expense of spiritual preparation for the Kingdom to come.

Bob: You’ve mentioned to me that when you were speaking on this subject recently, there was a mother in the audience who was really convicted by what you had to say.

Ken: I said [in my message], “Does your son know that his attendance at youth camp is as important as him going to that football camp? Would you choose football camp over a Christian retreat? Are you as concerned about your children studying the Word of God in preparation for their small group Bible study on Sunday morning as you are about them learning their multiplication tables? … Do your children know that their spiritual diet is as important to you as their physical diet? …”

I was sitting out in the vestibule after the service, and a young mom came up … This mother was weeping and she said, “Dr. Hemphill, when you made that last statement about diet, my daughter elbowed me, and she says, ‘Mom, every day I can remember, you’ve asked me, Did you take your vitamin today? Not once have you ever asked me, Did you read your Bible this morning?'”

I wanted my children to do well in school, and they did. … My daughters are all serving God actively in the church, and their husbands are, and I thank the Lord for that. But if I could go back, there would be things I would do differently now. …

Dennis: The thing we’re talking about here that we don’t want parents to miss is that it begins with you. You have to have the real disease. Your life as a husband and a wife, mom and dad, need to be about God’s kingdom, not living for the earthly kingdom. That means how you talk in your home, whether you speak respectfully to one another, how you train your children. …

Ken: Children have kind of a radar, and they can detect phony a mile away. … [They need] parents who are passionate about their faith, who have a passion to worship the King. And where you find that, those kinds of parents are usually engaged in the spiritual life of a child both at home and at church. … One of the things that we’re saying very clearly is that the spiritual and intellectual development of your child is your responsibility. It is not the church’s responsibility, it is not even the school’s responsibility, it’s yours. …

Dennis: Christianity cannot be a spectator sport. You’ve got to be on the field. If you want to impact your children and have a hope, a realistic hope of your children getting their own faith, then they need to see you on the playing field engaged in the game. And we’re not talking about just church attendance here. It’s an infectious love for Jesus Christ, representing Him, living out the Scriptures, being obedient to the Scriptures, making decisions in light of how this furthers God’s kingdom.

Bob: I think that’s the point. We’ve got to recognize our assignment to have a kingdom agenda in our own life before we can ever begin to think about discipling our children to have a kingdom agenda.

Bonnie and Kevin had planned a special overnight date for their anniversary. “But the only people we trusted to watch our little ones were all unavailable,” Bonnie says. “So we canceled our plan and stayed home.”

Sadly, stories like this are all too common. It’s often not easy for parents to find reliable babysitters they can afford and trust.

How to find a babysitter

I asked some moms how they solved the babysitting dilemma and was encouraged by their creative ideas. Here are 15 ways on how to find a babysitter so you can bring dating back into your marriage:

1. Barter.

Kate suggests exchanging homemade meals, birthday cakes, and even errand running (grocery store) for child care. Another friend had the same bartering idea and gave this example: “I will detail your car/change your oil/mow your lawn/organize your closets … in exchange for you babysitting ‘x’ amount of times.”

2. Swap babysitting with another couple.

With four kids, Anne says it was really hard to find a good, affordable babysitter. So she and her husband teamed up with another couple who also had four kids—they traded babysitting. While one of the couples went out on a date, the other couple watched all of the children.
When the eight kids were all playing together in their home, Anne and Robert were surprised by how busy the children kept one another. “And we got a break from entertaining and being interrupted by kids,” Anne says.

3. Participate in a parents’ night out.

Does your church sponsor a community-wide “Parents Night Out” once a month or so? (If not, you might consider organizing it.) One mom said that at her church, members volunteer to watch the children for up to four hours, on a rotating basis. Parents send dinner for each of their children, and the church volunteers do the rest. The more this event is heard about around church, it may answer the question for many parents on how to find a babysitter.

4. Adopt a college student.

Offer a trusted college student a “home away from home.” You will provide some home-cooked meals, free laundry service, a quiet place to study, etc., in exchange for babysitting.

5. Hire a Mother’s Helper.

Enlist the help of a preteen (maybe even your own child) to entertain the children so you and your spouse can have some one-on-one time together at home. A mother’s helper will play with the kids so you can enjoy an uninterrupted meal together or some needed time for adult conversation.

6. Hire a regular sitter.

Sabrina says that she and her hubby have included a weekly sitter into their standard budget.”We know that spending time together as a couple is absolutely necessary in a blended family,” she says, “so we make it a priority.”

7. Get involved in a babysitting co-op.

a group of parents who agree to take turns watching each other’s children

Find or begin a babysitting co-op in your neighborhood or among a group of friends. Lis explained: “We even printed babysitting coupons and each mom had a certain number to start with. You would give a coupon to the mom in the co-op who was watching your children. As you used up your coupons, you would need to do some babysitting for another mom to get back coupons.”

8. Have home date-nights.

Take turns planning regular home date nights with your spouse. For example, Jayna and her hubby now have date-night-at-home every Friday night, after the kids go to bed. They take turns coming up with fun ideas. And sometimes they just play games or look at photo albums. “Last week,” Jayna says, “we had a backyard bonfire and S’mores.”

9. Discover “talk time.”

Tonya says that most of Chris’ and her dates are talking after the kids have gone to bed. “Now that the kids are old enough,” she says, “They are trained that this is Mom and Dad time.”

10. Enlist the grandparents.

If possible, ask your parents or in-laws if they would like to watch the grandkids on a regularly-scheduled night (example: Tuesday nights, first Friday of the month, first weekend of the month, etc.). Now a grandmother, I realize that what some might consider “babysitting” is actually investing in my legacy. When my son and daughter-in-law ask Pops and me watch the grands, it’s not a burden; it’s a joy!

11. Enjoy lunch dates.

If it’s possible for you and your spouse to have lunch dates (while the kids are in school), make them a regular habit — an appointment you won’t miss.

12. Add babysitting to your wish list.

When loved ones ask what you’d like for your birthday or Christmas, say, “Babysitting!”

13. Trade babysitting during the day.

Stay-at-home moms Julie and Brandi trade babysitting during the day. Brandi takes the kids to story hour at the local library on Mondays, and then to the park where the kids eat sack lunches and play (Julie sends lunches for her children). On Fridays, Julie teaches all of the kids art lessons. With creative ideas like this, moms will not only have needed alone time, but also can enjoy a special lunch with just dad.

14. Share babysitters.

With the cost of babysitting averaging $10 an hour (and $2-$5 more for each additional child), share babysitters. For example, two couples who each have one child would share one babysitter in one home. The couples would each save money, and the kids would have more fun.

15. Organize monthly sleepovers for your kids.

Alternating homes, swap monthly kid sleepovers with another family. This will allow each couple six nights a year to take a short getaway or spend a relaxing night at home.

With creative ideas like these, on how to find a babysitter, a couple can experience dating each other again. And as they spend one-on-one time together, their bonds of marital love can “abound more and more” (Philippians 1:9).

Jayna and her husband brought regular date nights back into their relationship a year or so ago. She says, “It’s made a huge difference in our marriage.”

Driving from Nashville to Jacksonville, Florida, Brian Yak wondered how his search for his biological father would end. In a matter of hours he would meet the man who had deserted his family when Brian was only a few weeks old.

Brian wanted to believe that his father had turned his drug and alcohol habits around. Yet he couldn’t ignore the fact that his dad sounded drunk when they set up their meeting by phone.

Jesus, what really is the purpose of this? he prayed as he passed mile marker after mile marker on the busy freeway.

Eventually the answer came: It’s an opportunity for you to look into your father’s eyes and forgive him.

He couldn’t rest

When Brian was about 6 years old, he learned he was adopted. He and his mom were at Wendy’s that day when she said the man he called “Dad” was not his father. “I was divorced before marrying him. You were our ring bearer.”

Brian did not understand the full implications of her words. He simply said, “Okay.” And that was that. He was content to be loved by his mother and the man he called “Dad.”

While growing up, Brian’s mother had done her best to protect him from his biological father’s world. All he knew about him were the few things she told him: His father had abused drugs and alcohol. He had repeatedly lied and broken his promises to be sober and clean.

None of this really mattered to Brian when he was a child. That’s because his mother had remarried a wonderful man who loved him as his own son.

Growing up, life was good for Brian. His parents gave him the opportunity to have a bright future and helped him understand the grace of God.

He had few questions about his biological father … until he went to college and began thinking about getting engaged. That’s when he realized there was a big piece of his past missing.

With a family history of a broken marriage and a failure for a father, he wanted to know what really went wrong. Were there addictive tendencies in his bloodline that would cause him to one day fail in his own marriage?

Brian was terrified to ask his girlfriend, Christa, to marry him. Before he got married he simply had to have an answer to one question: Who is the man who gave me life? He wanted to look his father in the eye and ask, “Why wasn’t I worth it 24 years ago? … Why didn’t you sacrifice for me? … Were drugs and alcohol really more important than your family?”

Two strangers

With Christa’s encouragement and his parents’ support, he began an online search. It didn’t take long for a photograph of his biological father to pop up on his computer screen: a mug shot from an arrest. Then he found his father’s phone number.

After mustering up the nerve to call, Brian was soon disappointed. His father sounded inebriated.

But they agreed to meet for lunch at a restaurant in Jacksonville. Brian hoped that, at the very least, he would hear his father apologize for abandoning him and his mom. And at best, he wondered if they could begin a healthy, new relationship.

Brian knew the risk of heartache as he headed from Tennessee to Florida. He was about to reawaken a relationship that had been dead for more than two decades. When he pulled into the restaurant parking lot, he sensed his life would never be the same.

A few minutes later he met his father face to face. With an awkward handshake and introduction, the middle-aged man appeared overwhelmed at seeing how his son had grown over the past 24 years.

Brian also met a grandmother and learned that he had a half-brother. His grandmother had driven his father to the restaurant that day because his driver’s license had been taken away after yet another arrest.

Brian sat that day with two people who shared his DNA, but strangely they had little else in common. His relatives seemed uncomfortable and said they were not “restaurant people.” They didn’t order anything while Brian ate his meal.

Brian’s father seemed indifferent; the conversation was strained. The threesome did make some small talk though as they tried to compress more than two decades into one lunchtime conversation. They talked about the weather … where they lived … where Brian went to church.

There was no Hallmark ending at the restaurant that day. No deep father-son conversation. Brian’s father never admitted to doing any wrong.

Brian could not help but wonder why his father never turned his life around. His adopted dad had sacrificed so much for him. Why hadn’t his biological father been willing to do the same?

And it was impossible for Brian to understand why his dad seemed so detached. His lack of interest made Brian feel worthless in own father’s eyes, like a piece of litter carelessly tossed to the roadside.

Brian did learn some things about his father. He married again after Brian’s mom divorced him. But that marriage, too, ended in divorce. Brian realized the marriages had failed not because of circumstances or fate but because his father had made some poor choices.

And now Brian had to make a choice for himself. He was at a decisive crossroads. Would he dwell on past hurts that he could never change? Or, would he choose instead to cling to the words of Jesus in Matthew 6:12 and forgive his father?

Would Brian become bitter, holding his father’s failures against him? Or would he release his father from any obligation toward him? Would he put his limited understanding aside and give his hurts to all-knowing God?

Everything within Brian wanted to say, “This isn’t just! How could my very own dad be such a loser? He simply doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”

But words of accusation would not fix his father. Nothing he could do would erase the past … or make his father change.

Brian remembered how God had not withheld forgiveness from him (John 3:16). He remembered that by faith, as a follower of Jesus Christ, he was to do the same others (Colossians 3:13).

His father really didn’t really owe him anything because forgiveness is not something to be deserved. Instead, it’s freely given. So, at the end of his meal, he looked at his father and said, “I forgive you.”

There was no change in Brian’s father that day as he said those three little words. But there was a big difference in Brian’s spirit. He felt an odd sense of relief.

Moving forward

Before they parted that day, Brian gave his father a hug. Looking him in the eye he said, “I love you,” not knowing if they would ever meet again. Then Brian headed back to Nashville with an empty heart.

The drive was long and hard. But it gave him time to think. His trip had not been in vain. After all, he met his biological father and better understood his roots.

Releasing his hurts to God freed him to move forward. It took his focus off of what his relationship with his biological father could have been, and caused him to have a new appreciation for his adopted father.

He vowed not to make the same mistakes of his biological father. Instead, his marriage and family would be modeled after the sacrificial love of his adoptive dad and the unfailing love of his eternal Father.

In the next two years, Brian and his biological father connected just a few more brief times by phone. And then he learned of his father’s passing on Facebook.

Brian was grateful he had searched for his father and thankful they had met. Comforted that he had forgiven him.

Brian also knew that his heavenly Father wanted only the best for him. He would continue to look to the future and not dwell on the past.

For the Fatherless

Forgiving his biological father gave Brian the courage to marry Christa. Like Brian, Christa understands the heartache of children who have lost their biological fathers. She was a little girl when her father passed away due to cancer. And like Brian, she is a singer and songwriter.

Brian and Christa realized the unique way that God had knitted their hearts together, and talked about how they might do music together. After spending some time in prayer Brian said, “Why don’t we call ourselves ‘For the Fatherless’?”

And with that decision, it all made sense. As two people who had lost their earthly fathers they would write music and sing songs that did more than entertain. “We wanted to draw the fatherless [because of death or alienation] to our heavenly Father,” Brian says. ” … to let them know that we are for them.”

And today, the Yaks are doing just that. They are reminding others that there is no faultless father on Earth. That every person on this planet makes plenty of mistakes.

“We write and sing songs to lead others to the only perfect Father,” Brian says.

Now Brian and Christa not only serve as worship leaders at The Chapel at Crosspoint (Buffalo, New York), but also record and perform music as For the Fatherless. It’s commonplace for people to come up to them after concerts and tell their own stories about losing their fathers.

And as they do, Brian and Christa are reminded that God is using them in a unique way. He is turning the wrongs of Brian’s father into something very right.

Sin is a reality of our lives. Without God’s love and forgiveness, the spiritually healthy family would be impossible.

Without God’s help, dysfunction is our only option.

Some dysfunction is the reality of living in an imperfect world with imperfect people, but it will be especially present when we omit God from our lives. Painful dysfunction comes when we choose to sit in the Director’s chair in an attempt to live the abundant life in the way we see fit.

While there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of types of dysfunction in today’s families, let’s unpack six dysfunctional parenting styles that without God’s redemption will leave a negative impact on our families.

1. The double-minded parent.

You see adulthood as a time to fulfill all your dreams in this life, and your children are just one small part of those dreams. You think about how wonderful it is to have all that God offers, as well as what the world offers too! These are the mantras that you live by:

“I have worked hard my whole life—now it’s time for me!”
“God wants me to be happy, so I know that He is okay with my making choices that fulfill my needs even over my children’s, because their day will come when they are older.”
“Who says you can’t have it all?”
“Of course I love God, but this world is pretty cool, too, don’t you think?”

You must have the latest and the greatest, and no one is going to stop you. Children are sometimes an asset because they make adorable models in Christmas cards and allow you to brag in the social scene, but they can also equally cramp your style when you desire to stay out late or get away somewhere exotic for the weekend.

You have to have the biggest house, the most expensive toy, or the latest technology. Sure, you travel a lot, but you have earned it. You deserve some peace and quiet, and want time away to enjoy the best golf courses and the finest dining.

Children raised by the double-minded parent will often grow up having co-dependency tendencies, seeking acceptance from others, being unrealistic in their view of “self,” and feeling insecure. They are confused about what it means to follow Christ, and might avoid their parents in adulthood.

2. The “I can’t say no” parent.

These parents love to say yes because when they do, everyone seems happy. They think that becoming a mom or dad is a perfect way to expand their social life as well. They truly enjoy the company of their children and don’t see a need for hierarchy in the family sector.

These parents might try to justify their actions by saying:

“I want to give my child all that I didn’t have when I was growing up.”
“Discipline is exhausting for me and my child—so I don’t do it! I create no boundaries, and therefore there is no need. Besides, I really, really, really want my kids to like me.”
“Unpopular no more, I now have a junior companion in life!”
“Sure, I rely on my child for emotional and social support—that’s what friends do!”
“In order to create intimacy and trust, I don’t have any boundaries on the topics that I discuss with my child.”
“I had a kid because I want to spoil someone. I like to spend money and be generous—what’s so bad about that?”
“My child is very mature for her age.”

Critics say you don’t have a backbone and your children are taking advantage of you.

When your kids get older and choose their peers over you, you find yourself desperate to keep their affection. You resort to buying their time and attention or guilting them into it. Either way you must ensure that you will not be without their companionship because you are afraid of being alone or unloved.

Children raised by the I-Can’t-Say-No parent often grow up too quickly, suffer from chronic boredom, think that rules don’t apply to them, become poor money managers, are unable to cultivate healthy emotional boundaries with others, and have an unhealthy attachment to you in adulthood.

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3. The driver parent.

If you are a driver parent, you view being driven as the secret to your success, and you want this same success (if not more) for your child. You wonder why people are always telling you to “lighten up” in the way you interact with your child, while you conjure up these justifications:

“I am driven and have been successful, so why would I let my child waste one second of his day?”
“Childhood is overrated—we need to start thinking of college now!”
“I love to vicariously live through my child’s life. It makes me so much more of an involved parent when I feel that we are “both” succeeding!”
“Everyone else is my daughter’s competition—and they had better get out of the way. There’s room for only one at the top.”

Driver parents often come from two extremes: as children they themselves were high achievers, and are determined to keep the legacy alive; or they were not afforded the opportunities to succeed and now want to ensure that their children have those things. In either scenario, children of driver parents often feel undue pressure to not disappoint their parents’ expectations.

Driver parents most commonly reveal themselves in sports and academics. In sports, success is often subjective, so the driver parent is present at all the games or events to make sure that the coach and the children have the parent’s perspective in the matter. In academics, success is objective; therefore great attention is given to study time, test scores, and advanced-placement courses (which will look good on college applications).

Children raised by the driver parent will often grow up feeling anxious or depressed (or both), and dissatisfied with their accomplishments. They often struggle with addiction and are unable to “play” or relax.

4. The micro-managing parent.

These are statements you might use to reassure yourself you are on the right track:

“I know what is right. It’s my job to make sure my child doesn’t make a mistake!”
“Everything is done the way I want it, or I do it myself. Since my standards are so high, it’s just easier that way for everyone.”
“My kids don’t understand that I make all their decisions for their own good.”
“The world is a dangerous place—period! Someday my kids will thank me for protecting them.”

As the micro-manager, you need to be in control of everything. Your parenting style reflects your fear of letting go and what could happen if you do. The exaggerated need to be in charge of everyone and every decision is a dysfunction that stems from insecurity. Perhaps you were wounded as a child, and now, by your control, you ensure that you will never be victimized again. You now have a voice and will control circumstances by force, manipulation, and guilt in order to arrange life’s events in such a way that you come out on top a “victor.”

Children raised by the micro-managing parent will often grow up doubting themselves, feeling driven to perfection, struggling with headaches and stomachaches, and developing eating disorders.

5. The criticizing parent.

This parent can’t help but point out what is wrong. To him or her, it’s obvious what needs to be fixed, and consequently this parent calls attention to the problem so it can be corrected.

As a criticizing parent, you argue that this is a gift to your child, while others say you are being cruel with your words. You question how else your child will get the “thick skin” needed to survive in a harsh world and believe that you’re doing her a favor by “toughening” her up.

To feel reassured, a criticizing parent might make these justifications:

“Life is tough. I didn’t get a free pass; why should he?”
“Of course I constantly criticize my child (even in public). It keeps her ego under control.”
“I never praise my child because then he will strive for better. It’s the only way to get ahead in this life.”
“I don’t encourage my child’s interests—she will probably change her mind soon anyhow. What a waste of time and money.”
“If I don’t point out his faults, someone else will. Wouldn’t he rather it come from me than from a stranger?”

Criticism is just a way for you to keep the “family business” going. You were most likely criticized as a child, as were your parent(s) and your grandparent(s). This heritage has built in you a certain hardness that doesn’t have time to feel emotions, whine about the past, or spend time crying over what is not. Rather than expose the hurt and deal with it, you find it easier and more effective to keep it locked away safely where no one can mess it up any further.

Children raised by the criticizing parent will often grow up bullying others, feeling insecure, blaming others for their mistakes, and being pessimistic about the future.

6. The absentee parent.

In your mind the big moments in life are not losing teeth, hitting a home run in little league, or a dance recital. The big moments are the ones that you are providing and planning for, such as college, weddings, and retirement. You can justify your absence because of the following reasons:

“I recognize that my child would rather have all today’s stuff than me, so I work long hours to provide for his current and future needs.”
“My absence is a good way for my children to learn independence.”
“My nanny (or babysitter) is younger and more fun than I am.”
“I deny my child emotional bonding when I am home so that our time away is easier on her.”

Absenteeism is birthed from an insatiable need to achieve and succeed. A parent with this dysfunction has no boundaries on time and energy, and feels that sleep and rest are for weak people. While they boast of an 80-hour workweek, feeling proud of their accomplishments, they simply can’t understand those who find satisfaction in a job well done and also find time for recreation, rest, and service to others. They justify their dysfunction by criticizing others’ lack of ambition, work ethic, or inability to progress.

Children raised by an absentee parent often grow up too fast, become sexually promiscuous, have low self-worth, and demand inordinate attention from others.

There’s hope!

In contrast to the six dysfunctional parenting styles stands the offer of hope from God that we may live in relationship with Him, pursuing His kingdom while living on His script. While far from perfect, the spiritually healthy parent walks each day, step by step, with God as his or her guide.

Becoming a spiritually healthy family means you will allow God to call the shots for you and your family members and that you look to Him to give you wisdom instead of relying on your own strength and “great ideas.” Because you realize you are a work in progress yourself, you offer your children grace when needed, while helping them see the correct path that God desires all His children to follow.

You recite the following things each day, because, deep down you know them to be true:

“I recognize that my child has been entrusted to me by God and that I need His guidance to raise her.”
“I know I live in a sinful world, but I will seek to put God’s character on display in my home in everyday situations.”
“I know there is a higher calling as a parent than controlling my child’s behavior—and that is forming his faith.”
“I seek to grow spiritually myself, knowing that the overflow of this will have a positive impact on my child.”

Children raised by the spiritually healthy parent often grow up knowing God, loving others, living a life of meaning, and recognizing that this world is not their ultimate home.

You know how every now and then you hear a few words or phrases that are so simple, but so profound? Let me take you behind the scenes to a recent speaking engagement, where I heard something that really had an impact on me—not just as a researcher, but as a person.

I was speaking at a dinner for folks who work with married couples at a particular church. About 200 small group leaders, counselors, and other marriage mentors gathered to enjoy some amazing musicians and a fun game show put on by the pastor and his wife, and then I talked about some of my research about marriage.

I described some encouraging research that shows there is so much more hope for marriage than we have previously thought. (For example, did you know that the “50 percent divorce rate” is a myth? Just FYI.) I spent some time sharing data that these leaders could use to encourage their people to go “all in” in their marriages and not hold back—the temptation to protect yourself in marriage will actually build a wall that creates the very problems you’re trying to avoid.

After the talk I was chatting with these marriage leaders, and one man quietly came over and said, “I need to share a story.” Little did I know that what this man was about to tell me would be one of the most profound things I have heard all year …

“Five years ago, our marriage was disintegrating,” he said. “I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. My wife felt like I didn’t care about her. We were constantly at odds, with one foot mentally out the door. And suddenly, one day, I stopped. I told her, ‘There are two types of couples in this world. Those who want to work everything out before they commit, and those who want to commit to working everything out. Which do you want to be?’”

I was practically speechless—which, if you know me, is quite a feat. I knew I was hearing something that took the “don’t hold back in marriage” message to a whole new level.

I stammered, “That is an amazing insight!”

He nodded. “Yes, but not from me. I felt like God just gave it to me. And that is when everything changed. Because with the first approach, a marriage will never make it. You feel like with one mess up, you could be done. But we decided we would commit to working everything out somehow. No matter what. And that is why we are now here today, with a great marriage, leading a small group of other married couples.”

I scrambled for a pen to write down these three simple sentences that encapsulated the heart behind all of the data in my 45-minute talk.

There are two types of couples in this world. Those who want to work everything out before they commit, and those who want to commit to working everything out.

Which do you want to be?

Popular thinking assumes good marriages are “discovered”—you meet the right person, and it’s like planting a tree seedling. At first, you water it and weed around it, you might even stake it, but after a year or two, the tree just grows. Occasionally, you might want to keep watering it if you live in a particularly dry climate, but for the most part, you can ignore it and still watch it grow.

That’s how most couples live. They’ll talk about their pasts when they first meet, get engaged, go through premarital counseling, but after the wedding, the marriage is supposed to somehow “finish itself” just by the fact that it exists.

That’s not an accurate expectation of marriage. Intimate marriage is more like building a brick house. If you get a good start, even laying half the bricks, and then stop building, the house won’t finish itself. In fact, the reality is worse: An unfinished house, left out in the weather, deteriorates.

The same is true of marriage. If we aren’t dedicated to saying “I do” every day after the wedding, then, relationally speaking, that’s a day lost. Some couples who signed their wedding licenses 25 years ago have actually only worked on their marriages for about six months. They quit moving toward each other long ago.

Every season of life tempts us to stop building our marriages. Rather than grow together in true intimacy, far too many couples exist only on what I call “artificial intimacy.” They’ve never intentionally built intimacy but rather were trapped by an infatuation that felt like it fell from heaven.

They never had to work at it; it just was. Once it died, their intimacy died with it. An artificial intimacy can be sustained for a time by the common events of life, but usually it comes to a huge crash as soon as the couple enters the empty-nest years if true intimacy hasn’t replaced it.

Let’s look at how artificial intimacy begins, how it is temporarily sustained, and then how couples who believe they have been gripped by it can learn to grow into true intimacy.

In the beginning

Artificial intimacy begins with the onset of infatuation, a “grab your brains with a vengeance” neurochemical reaction that makes you virtually blind to your partner’s faults. Infatuation is notoriously short-lived, with a shelf life of about 12 to 18 months, but it’s intense. It’s also artificial, in that it creates an idealization of the one you love.

You focus on strengths (many of which might be imaginary) and ignore weaknesses (many of which are readily apparent to outside observers). You idealize this person to make them the kind of person you want them to be. It’s not genuine intimacy, but it feels real and is enough to lead many couples into marriage. At this point, you are relating to an idealized, fictional version of a man or woman, not that person’s authentic self.

In addition to infatuation, your relationship compatibility is also enhanced artificially via initial sexual chemistry, which tends to be very strong. When infatuation and sexual chemistry coexist, incompatibility barely even registers. You feel crazy about each other, you can barely keep your hands off each other—how could you not have an amazing marriage? You don’t even have to do anything to sustain your desire for each other; just being alive makes you feel compatible. And so, on primarily this basis, the couple decides to get married.

When spring turns to summer

When a couple sets a date for the wedding, planning the ceremony gives them something in common and keeps them going. They plan it, talk about it, and divide up tasks to make it happen. This is intimacy of a sort, but it’s a superficial intimacy, the intimacy of coworkers, not life mates. Still, in the throes of infatuation and high sexual chemistry, it feels like true intimacy and continues to sustain the relationship. They have a huge goal—the wedding day—and the anticipation of that day and their new life together can feel more real than the life they are already living.

Once the couple gets back from the honeymoon, they start setting up a home by moving into a new apartment or neighborhood and trying to join two lives. That also joins them in a common task and gives them something to talk about. What color should we paint the bedroom? Do you think we’ll be here long enough to bother with planting trees outside? Where’s our new favorite coffee shop?

As life moves on, just when things could get boring again, the couple is likely to start raising kids. That’s a big thing to have in common and requires a lot of communication. You go to childbirth classes, you build a nursery, you raise the kids, and then you have to communicate to get the kids to the right places. You share your kids’ failures and successes until you start to fight about them.

That’s when you find out how much intimacy you really have.

At the start of the relationship it was just infatuation and sexual chemistry. Then it was the joint task of planning a ceremony. Then, setting up a home. After that, raising kids. In days past, these life events could take marriages to the doorstep of death, but modern couples (who tend to have fewer children) can blow through these stages of life in two and a half decades, often leaving another 30 years or more of marriage to follow. That’s a long time to be lonely and to live with a familiar-looking stranger. If you haven’t consciously built true intimacy, the relationship is going to be seriously threatened.

Some couples have to wake up to the reality that they’ve been living relationally on shared tasks, not shared intimacy, which is built by praying together, sharing your dreams, carrying each other’s burdens, and building that all-important empathy for each other. Instead, they’re teammates, not spouses, and when you’re merely teammates and the season is over, what do teammates do? They go their own ways.

This in part explains why so many couples suddenly declare incompatibility even though they obviously once thought they had found their perfect match in each other and have lived together for more than two decades. They’ve simply come to the end of this false compatibility and realize they have very little common ground with which to face the rest of their life together. Sadly, they don’t realize it’s possible to rebuild the marriage on spiritual compatibility and by choosing empathy and intimacy.

When a couple gets divorced and each individual starts over with someone else, the second relationship initially feels more fulfilling than the first because, once again, it’s existing on artificial intimacy: Infatuation and sexual chemistry retake their place on center stage, and the two infatuated lovers enter the relationship-building practice of sharing past histories, planning a ceremony, and setting up a new life together. But the same dynamics will bring this affection to an end as well if the couple doesn’t consciously build true intimacy.

Making a marriage

A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make, and you have to keep on making it. Just as importantly (and herein lies the hope), you can also begin remaking it at any stage.

If you wake up to the sobering reality that you’ve existed on artificial intimacy, the good news is that there’s a relatively easy, though not quick, fix: You can begin now to build true intimacy. It is much better for everyone involved if instead of seeking a divorce and building yet another relationship on artificial intimacy, the couple chooses to begin building true intimacy, with God as the center of the relationship.

If you believe a good marriage is something you find, and the one you’ve found isn’t working, you can’t fix that—you simply ended up with the wrong person, and the only logical solution is divorce. If you believe a good marriage is something you make, and it’s not working, you can choose to remake it, to do something different, to build it up in a different way.

As a Christian, I believe we are so self-centered that we need to be transformed with God’s Spirit working within us to give us the full capacity to know true empathy, a willingness to sacrifice, and the ability to overcome the petty sins that destroy affection and create bitterness. That’s just another way of saying that building and sustaining true intimacy require nothing less than God’s direct intervention through His Holy Spirit.

It’s no good just starting over with another sinner who simply sins in different ways, because eventually I’ll grow just as weary with the second wife’s sins as I did with my first wife’s sins. How much better to attack the sin and grow in the grace of forgiveness than to live on a carousel of ever-changing spouses.

True intimacy is thus built via thoughtful, God-empowered perseverance: the commitment to keep doing small things that feed relational intimacy, in their proper priority. As a married couple, we persistently communicate. We don’t let bitterness grow. We keep caring enough to resolve our differences, and we go to God to forgive each other’s weaknesses.

We reserve time for each other. We make memories between the two of us—this is an intentional pursuit of deciding to do mutually enjoyable things together, without the kids. We remain the best of friends, and alarms go off if anyone else begins to feel closer or more desirable to us than our spouse. We keep praying for each other. We learn to laugh together, and we play together, work together, and cry together. If there’s not a physical reason why sex stops or becomes less frequent, we find out why our sexual intimacy is on the wane and address it.

If we stop doing the things that sustain marital intimacy, the relationship withers and dies. What’s so sad is that when couples get to the end of artificial intimacy, they often blame it on the person instead of the relationship. They say, “I must have married the wrong person,” instead of, “We haven’t nurtured the relationship.”

Intimacy is something we can choose to build and even rebuild if it has been lost. If two people want to rekindle their love, by God’s grace they can, just by doing the things couples do. Intimacy isn’t something you “have” or don’t have” as much as it is something you choose.

Editor’s Note: Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter, Jessica Thompson, have written a book titled Answering Your Kids’ Toughest Questions. The following was adapted from a three-day FamilyLife Today® broadcast series in which Elyse and Jessica joined host Dennis Rainey and co-host Bob Lepine. Here they discuss Jessica’s spiritual journey.

Dennis: If you’re a parent, or a grandparent, or an aunt, or an uncle, you’ve got some nieces and nephews who maybe ask you a question around sex, around movies, death, divorce, suicide, doubt, pornography, homosexuality, around natural disasters, around war, terrorism …When we’re asked a tough question, a lot of times, we fall back and punt and really never address the question. Why do you think that’s our natural tendency?

Elyse: I think it’s our natural tendency because, first of all, we hate to admit that there is something we don’t know. And then … a lot of times parents are nervous about giving answers simply because they are afraid that they’re not going to give the right answer or that their child’s salvation ultimately depends on them. And so, they build … a wall around themselves—as if they have all the answers.

Bob: I remember one of our five kids being the particular question-asker in our home. He was the one who was always asking the “Why?” and the probing, “I’m just wondering.” Was Jessica that child for you?

Elyse: No, because … Jessica sort of feigned faith for about 18 years. … Jessica was a person who decided that acting as though she were a Christian would be a good way to get me off her back.

Bob: Outwardly compliant; but inwardly, I’m going to do my own thing.

Jessica: Absolutely … I thought it was easier for me just to pretend like I was a Christian. I didn’t have any questions because I didn’t really care. … I loved the praise of man and knew the best way to get that in the church was to go on mission trips, and to be involved in the youth group, and to get up and be the one that gave the testimony. I knew how to play the game.

Then, when I was … in Bible college. … I went so far as to go to Bible college so that I could continue to get the accolades. It wasn’t just the accolades—it was also, like she said, to keep everybody at a distance. We had to go to pre-service prayer before we went to classes. I would just sit there and take a nap. If I would have had a smartphone, I probably would have been on Facebook or Twitter; but that wasn’t the case back then—so, I just sat there.

But one day … God arrested my heart, broke me of my goodness, and showed me it wasn’t enough. And I walked out of that prayer service a different person. I went in dead and came out alive.

Dennis: I found it interesting that in the midst of [those years of] faking your faith, your mom never stopped pressing into your life. Like the time you went to a movie and you were 15 years old. …

Your mom was waiting up for you … What happened that night?

Jessica: I came home from some movie … and she was sitting on the stairs. If I didn’t roll my eyes outwardly, I did it in my heart. I was walking up the stairs and she said, “Now, stop. Let’s talk. What worldview was the movie trying to tell you?” And I just sarcastically-angrily said to her, “Not everything has to have a meaning.” …

Bob: “Did you know, when you were faking it, that you were faking it?”

Jessica: Yes, I did. For sure, I knew. …

Dennis: You just had a self-will that said, You know what? He may be the Lord, He may be the Master, but not for me—not now.

Jessica: I didn’t even know if I thought that deeply about it, to be real honest. I think I thought, This is what everyone else is doing, and that’s fine. I don’t want people bothering.

Bob: “I’ll play the game”?

Jessica: … I will play the game, and I will get all the awards. Everybody will love me.

Bob: And I’m just curious—did you know she was faking it?

Elyse: Oh, no; not at all. When she came home that night from Bible college, and she said to me, “Mom, I got saved today,” it didn’t even register in my mind what she was saying. It was shocking to me—that, all these years, this girl—who, when she was in kindergarten, won “Miss Christian Character.” She went on mission trips. She was in the youth group—one of the leaders of the youth group in Bible college—all the time, faking it. She wanted my approval and the approval of the family …

Bob: Is there a way a parent can diagnose whether a child is faking it? I’m just wondering if there is anything we can do, or do we just kind of go with it and keep praying for them?

Jessica: I don’t think there is a way to diagnose that, but I think there is a way for parents to talk to their kids about their goodness not being everything. Being a good kid doesn’t equal being a Christian. And I think there is a way to talk to kids—telling them over and over again, “Your goodness will never be good enough. You need the goodness of Jesus Christ. You need His righteousness alone to stand before a Holy God.”

And we’ve talked about this. … That’s nothing we ever heard, growing up.

We heard, “Be a good kid and that will get you through life.” The gospel message is, in fact, so much more and deeper than that: You can never be good enough.

So to tell your kids, “Put your own goodness away. Trust and rest in the goodness of Jesus Christ on your behalf,”—that’s a message our kids need to hear.

Like all people, I had to decide for myself whether or not I was going to be a follower of Jesus Christ. My parents had hoped and prayed that I would make this decision as a child, but I did not. It took 27 years for me to finally decide for myself.

I grew up in a great Christian home. Mom and Dad loved me and were truly gentle parents. We went to a great church. Regardless of the tremendous blessings in my life, I wanted what the world had to offer. Although my father, international evangelist Luis Palau, preached to millions, he had no words that could humanly change my heart.

When I was about 12 or 13 years old, a friend’s older siblings introduced me to stuff that even the wilder kids weren’t doing. As time went on I began building a reputation of being the wildest and craziest kid around. I just loved to party … and drink … and smoke marijuana, which some say is the biggest cash crop in my home state of Oregon.

When my parents learned what I was doing, they couldn’t believe it. They were wise because they sought biblical counsel, and they understood that they could not convince me to live a godly lifestyle. They decided that the only thing they could do was to trust the Lord, model faith in the midst of trying circumstances, and do their best to live lives filled with the joy of the Lord.

It was very convicting as I watched them release me to God. “It’s not our responsibility,” they told me. “We love you. We’ve done our best, but we trust the Lord. … The Holy Spirit is the One who convicts of sin and unrighteousness.”

Dad and Mom kept praying for me; I kept partying.

Something was missing

By the time I attended the University of Oregon, I blended right in with my fraternity buddies. On the outside it seemed like I was a happy guy and could juggle classes, work, and the party life. But on the inside I was miserable.

I felt guilty about so many of the poor choices I had made because they were diametrically opposed to the way that I had been brought up. It seemed like there was a void in my life—that something was missing. Something that relationships, and drugs, and wild parties just couldn’t fill.

A sense of emptiness continued, even after I graduated from college and began working in Boston. I kept partying, felt no peace, and drank to hide the pain inside. I felt like I was sinking into the depths of despair. I would look into a mirror and ask myself, What really matters? Where can I go?

At that point, it was as though God tapped me on the shoulder and said, Andrew, look at your parents’ example. What does your dad care about most?

I couldn’t get away from the answer. The center of Dad’s life is the gospel. He had preached about it around the world, and had written dozens of books. Books I had never read, even though I was an English literature major.

Finally, not knowing where to turn, I pulled Dad’s book Say Yes! How to Renew Your Spiritual Passion off of the shelf and actually read it. Although I was convinced that what Dad wrote about Jesus Christ was true, my heart was still not convicted.

Profession of faith

Six months after I read Say Yes! Dad invited me to a Palau outreach in Jamaica. While I had absolutely no interest in going to an evangelistic gathering, I reasoned, I love my folks. I love to travel. And I love to fish. And, then, to make the invitation even more enticing, it was freezing at the time where I lived (Boston). The thought of traveling to warm Jamaica was quite appealing.

I was 27 years old when I listened to Dad tell the Jamaican crowd about the difference that Jesus Christ makes in a life. I had heard that message hundreds of times before, but for the first time I sincerely wanted that difference. I made a profession of faith that day.

Despite my profession of faith and getting involved in Bible study, I did not feel a real sense of intimacy with the Lord. I’d ask Him, Why is this not working for me? I’m really sincere.

And then the Lord mercifully opened up my eyes to see what was keeping me from Him in an intimate way. I had never verbally confessed my sin. I just wanted it to go away. I finally apologized to my parents for the many ways that I had gone against not only their teaching, but also the Lord’s. It was a radical, 180-degree turnaround for me—a transformational moment.

Working all things for good

What has happened in the last 14 years can only be attributed to the Lord’s amazing grace. I am following in Dad’s footsteps as a world evangelist and teacher. Me, the kid who once wanted the world much more than Jesus Christ.

In my life, I’ve seen God work out His promise of Romans 8:28, that He causes “all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” For example, I went to a lot performances of the rock band Grateful Dead before I followed Christ. Their model was festival and open air, and free flowing multi-generational. When the Palau Association wanted to reach large cities for Christ, I remembered my Grateful Dead days. My brother Kevin and I imagined a gathering far different from the crusade model for evangelism. We dreamed of a party that would contain not only the gospel, but also Christian music. We told Dad, “Let’s go to a park, let’s go to a beach, let’s shut down the city streets … and proclaim Jesus Christ.”

In 1999, our dream came true. Our first two festivals were held in Portland, Oregon. Now our “CityFests”—with two full days of live concerts, a children’s area, live action sports demos, gospel presentations, and more—have been held in cities across America.

Today I present the gospel around the world, just like Dad. And God has used me to direct festivals in not only the United States, but also in Africa, Romania, Egypt, Mexico, India, and even Jamaica—the place where the Lord first opened my heart to His truth.

I was recently telling my personal story of salvation in Africa. The people were interested in the fact that Luis Palau’s son didn’t know the Lord. In reality, my story is not that unusual. Every generation has to be called to repentance and receive the Lord.

An eternal decision

Ever since I started walking with Christ, I’ve never tired of telling my story. I think one of the main things that every believer has to realize is: God rescued me. And that is so humbling.

Whether I look across a sea of a 100,000 faces, or peer into the eyes of one searching 12-year-old boy, I know that everybody has to individually decide: Will I follow Jesus Christ?

Foundationally, every single person has to be born again. There is no value in your culture, or your tribe, or your family in terms of eternity. It’s a personal decision that has to be made by all.

Even by the son of Luis Palau.

Cynthia Applewhite and Louis “Louie” Zamperini met on the beach in Florida in January of 1946. She was captivated by this unusual man with an incredible background—the child delinquent who became an Olympic long-distance runner … the World War II B-24 bombardier who survived 47 days on a life raft after his plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean … the prisoner of war in a Japanese camp who suffered two years of sadistic torture.

After a whirlwind two-week courtship, Louie and Cynthia were engaged. Two months later they were married.

Of course they barely knew each other. And soon it became evident to Cynthia that her new husband had not survived the war unscathed. Tormented by flashbacks and nightmares, he turned to alcohol. Cynthia urged him to get help, but in those days few doctors understood post-traumatic stress disorder. His life continued to spiral downward; on one occasion he dreamed he was strangling the man who had persecuted him in the POW camp, and he woke up to discover he was on top of his pregnant wife with his hands around her neck.

In October of 1949 Cynthia heard some neighbors talking about a young evangelist named Billy Graham, who was in the middle of the Los Angeles revival that made him famous. Louie wouldn’t take Cynthia to hear Graham, so she went by herself. “She came home alight,” writes Laura Hillenbrand in her best-selling book, Unbroken. “She found Louie and told him that she wasn’t going to divorce him. The news filled Louie with relief, but when Cynthia said that she’d experienced a religious awakening, he was appalled.”

Cynthia convinced Louie to attend the revival. When Graham made his traditional call to commitment, Louie fled, but he decided to return the next night. This time a war memory returned: He was back on the life raft, dying of thirst, when he made a vow to God: “If you will save me, I will serve you forever.”

On that night Louie received Christ as his Lord and Savior. He gave up his anger, his desire for revenge, and felt the love and peace of God. Never again did he have a flashback or nightmare of the war.

Louie spent the remainder of his life telling others about what Christ had done for him. He and Cynthia were married for 55 years until her death in 2001. And Louie lived until 2014, dying at the age of 97.

A movie without an ending

The story I just told is familiar to those who read Hillenbrand’s memorable book about Louis Zamperini. His experiences were so incredible that they almost defy belief, and the author’s chapter about his conversion is masterfully told—it’s the culmination of the story.

I wish I could say the same about the film Unbroken, which was released in theaters last Christmas and recently on DVD. I had high hopes for the movie, directed by Angelina Jolie, and apparently many critics were similarly optimistic. As Richard Corliss of Time magazine wrote, “All year long, this was the unseen movie with the biggest promise.”

But the film fails to match those high expectations. Some sections are thrilling, and visually it is beautiful and compelling. But in the end it feels empty. You feel the pain of Louie’s suffering on the raft and in the POW camp, but you don’t really connect with him emotionally. And the biggest disappointment was the filmmaker’s decision to end the story when Louie is reunited with his family after the war. The only reference to his struggles with PTSD and alcohol, and to his redemption, are a few words that appear on the screen as a postscript, just before the credits: “After years of severe post-traumatic stress, Louie made good on his promise to serve God, a decision he credited with saving his life. Motivated by his faith, Louie came to see that the way forward was not revenge, but forgiveness.”

It’s like ending a play before the final act. And I was surprised by the number of film critics who agreed—rarely do critics wish a film had more religion! Gary Thompson of the Philadelphia Daily News wrote:

You wonder if Jolie may have missed a bit by not showing Zamperini later in life, wrestling with post-traumatic stress, drawing on his beliefs to make peace with his tormentors and himself.

And Kenneth Turan, film critic for the Los Angeles Times, told National Public Radio:

In real life, Zamperini’s postwar story has a tremendous ending. He endures years of alcoholism and PTSD before a religious awakening, inspired by Billy Graham, changes his life. Yet, the film relegates this drama to a few brief seconds of text on screen. This decision wreaks havoc with the story’s equilibrium, making Unbroken into a drama about torture, not redemption. The result is a film we respect more than love, and that’s a wasted opportunity.

The beauty of brokenness

Perhaps what Angelina Jolie, who developed a strong friendship with Zamperini, didn’t fully understand was that he did not survive the war unbroken. It takes an incredible strength of will to become a world-class distance runner, to survive 47 days in a life raft, and to endure two years in a Japanese POW camp. Yet there are some things a strong will cannot overcome.

At that Billy Graham revival in 1949 Louie finally realized what he had become. He acknowledged his brokenness, confessing his sin and receiving the redemption and forgiveness God offers through Christ.

As Louie learned, there is beauty in brokenness. His life changed and his marriage was healed when God took his shattered life and made him whole.

If only the film had told that part of the story.

I’ve been grazing recently in the Book of Proverbs. In this book of wisdom I’ve found ample acreage to browse and plenty to “chew on.” One theme that keeps sprouting throughout its pages is that of pride.

“Pride,” said Soviet dissident Alexander Solzhenitsyn, “grows in the human heart like lard on a pig.” Pride is one of the few things that can grow in the human heart without any sustenance. And although it seems to flourish more visibly in some people, all the human race suffers under its malignant grip.

Pride has many different faces. It can try to demand control: “I want it my way” … “I want to be my own god, run my own show, and submit to no one.” It can be seen in the stubborn—what the Scriptures call “stiff necked” or “hard of heart.” And it is most easily detected in those who carry themselves in an arrogant manner—when I was a kid we used to call kids like this stuck-up, snooty, snobbish, conceited, or cocky.

A life changed

It was the well-known evangelist Dwight L. Moody who commented on how God deals with pride in us, “God sends no one away empty except those who are full of themselves.” A friend of mine named Jim Harvey learned that lesson the hard way. Jim and I have attended the same church here in Little Rock for over a decade. To any casual observer Jim’s life looked pretty good. But God did some major surgery in Jim’s life. Here’s his story:

I grew up in a family where intelligence, good grades, and excellence in work was the measure of one’s worth. Using these principles, life began to fall into place.

I was the top male student in school, and the top salesman in my first full-time job. I became a top sales manager, and soon was manager in a multibillion-dollar company. I was married and had a brilliant daughter attending an academically superior college. I was a deacon in my church.

I had tremendous confidence in my own ability. If I needed money, I worked harder. I tolerated no weakness; everything was under my control. I felt little understanding or patience with people going through problems. Failed marriages, children in trouble, unemployed men, addictions … all were symptoms of weakness.

I knew that God must be pleased with me. Little did I know that I was about to go on a 10-year training program in which God broke down my arrogance and pride.

Suddenly I learned I had a daughter on hard drugs and a wife addicted to alcohol. A short time later my daughter left college and moved to Greenwich Village in New York City. My wife filed for divorce to marry an unemployed man she had met in a hospital for alcoholics.

I gained custody of my two younger children and was soon living as a single parent. My oldest daughter developed cancer and required surgery. Later she was tied up and raped.

I began to understand that when I had no strength and was helpless to deal with a situation, I could turn it over to God, and He would provide and meet my needs. Some of my arrogance and pride began to slip away, and I began viewing single parents, alcoholics, and drug addicts with more compassion.

I also became a serious student of the Bible, finishing five years of the Bible Study Fellowship program. Surely, I thought, God was through teaching me, and breaking down my pride. I was wrong.

The company I worked for decided to stop doing business in Arkansas, so I found myself without a job. I gained a new understanding of the emotions felt by the unemployed. As I had done during my previous problems, I turned the situation over to God. I began understanding Paul’s statement in 2 Corinthians 12:10: “When I am weak, then I am strong.”

Soon I was back earning a good income and doing well in my investments. I met and married Carole, a wonderful woman and a committed Christian. It’ll be “smooth sailing” now, I thought. But God still wasn’t finished with His training program.

When the stock market crashed in 1987, we lost most of our savings. Carole and I saw God’s mercy when we had surgery for cancer that was successfully treated. Now we found ourselves understanding those who suffer from sickness or financial problems.

For years I tried to talk with my daughter in New York about Christ, but she had no interest. Finally, Carole and I decided to pray and ask God to work in her life.

Two months later I received one of the most dreaded phone calls a parent can get: “Dad, I have tested positive with the AIDS virus.” I sat stunned, thinking, “God, where is the message?”

I had no strength to deal with this situation on my own, but God showed His faithfulness. With nowhere else to turn, my daughter received Christ as her Lord and Savior and has devoted her life to working and ministering in a hospital for dying AIDS patients.

Some people might consider this a harsh string of events, but I feel privileged to have learned the lessons each situation has brought. I’m better able to comfort those who find themselves in similar circumstances. With each trial, God has broken down my arrogance and pride, and has shown me His sufficiency. With God’s faithfulness, no event should cause us to despair or doubt God’s provision.

Honest stuff, huh? Jim’s story sounds like that of Job in the Old Testament. Like Job, Jim learned the hard way that when everything you take pride in is stripped away, God is still faithful.

Death to self

Daily I attempt to put self to death and ask that Jesus Christ might have unhindered access to every area of my life. Then as I am tempted to get angry because things didn’t go my way, I’m reminded that to give in to pride is death.

The following poem by John Newton illustrates our dilemma:

Once upon a time a paper
kite Mounted to a wondrous height,
Where, giddy with its elevation,
It thus expressed self-admiration:
“See how the crowds of gazing people
Admire my flight above the steeple.
How they would wonder if they knew
All that a kite like me can do!
And pierce the clouds beyond their sight;
But ah! Like a poor prisoner bound,
My string confines me to the ground!
I’d brave the eagle’s towering wing,
Might I but fly without the string.”
It tugged and pulled while thus it spoke,
To snap the string—at last it broke.

Deprived at once of all its stay,
In vain it tried to soar away;
Unable its own weight to bear,
It fluttered downward through the air.
Unable its own course to guide,
The winds soon plunged it in the tide.
Ah! Foolish kite, thou has no wing;
How couldst thou fly without a string?

My heart cried out, “0 Lord,
I see How much this kite resembles me!
Forgetful that by Thee I stand,
Impatient of Thy ruling hand,
How oft I’ve wished to break the lines
Thy wisdom for my lot assigns!
How oft indulge the fain desire
For something more or something higher!
But for Thy grace and love divine,
A fall this dreadful had been mine.”

—John Newton

So what is the way of humility you ask? To know God, and to know who you are in relation to Him. Phillip Brooks once said, “The true way to be humble is not to stoop until you are smaller than yourself, but to stand at your real height against some higher nature that will show you what the real smallness of your greatness is.”

My pride wants to say, “I don’t need God—I’m perfectly happy without Him.” But what amazes me is that real happiness comes when I’m willing to humble myself and do what He wills with my life. The process may be painful, but it also brings real joy.

In each season of my life, I’ve found myself falling into two mental traps which are not helpful. One is the “If only” syndrome, and the other is the “What if?” syndrome.

Here’s how “If only” might express itself:

“If only I had a husband.”
“If only I had more money.”
“If only my husband would act like…”
“If only my husband (or I) had a good job.”
“If only we had a different house.”
“If only my parents (or his) understood.”
“If only my child would sleep through the night.”
“If only I had a really close friend.”
“If only I didn’t come from such a wounded past.”
“If only I wasn’t stuck in this place.”
“If only I was free of this disease.”
“If only I knew how to handle my teen.”
“If only I didn’t have to do this.”
“If only I didn’t struggle with this.”

Can you identify? You can probably add to this list yourself. Over the years I’ve realized that these thoughts merely lead me into a real case of self-pity. At the core of what I’m expressing is: “Life is about me and my happiness.” I have a bucket that needs to be filled.

But the reality is that even if the desire for one “If only” is met, I’ll just have another one to add to the list. Too often I get myself into this mindset without even realizing it. And it sinks me into a bad mood or a feeling of being depressed. The focus is on me, and I need to confess this selfishness and ask God to forgive me and to enable me to focus on Him and on others. And I need to ask Him to give me a grateful heart.

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The other trap is “What if?”:

“What if I can’t get pregnant?”
“What if my husband leaves me?”
“What if I don’t get this raise?”
“What if I can’t complete this project?”
“What if we lose the election?”
“What if the medical tests bring bad news?”
“What if my child doesn’t make the team?”
“What if I fail?”

This mindset leads to fear. I am afraid of what will happen if the “What if” comes true. And this can be a paralyzing fear.

The “What if” syndrome is especially hard for those of us with an overactive imagination—we are often visionaries; we are creative. We tend to have this weakness, however: We can create the worst-case scenario in our imagination in three seconds flat! It can be terrifying.

What’s at the core of this attitude? I fail to believe that God is in control. My “What if” has become bigger than my God. I have temporarily forgotten that He is loving, He is kind, He is present, He is good, and He will never, ever forsake me.

I can give Him my “What if”—He can handle it. He will sustain me.

Underlying the “If only” and “What if” syndromes is an expectation that our lives should be completely satisfying. We may recognize that’s not realistic, but too often we live with that expectation in our thought life without even realizing it.

We need to remember that, in this life, our bucket will always have holes. Life will not be perfect until we get to heaven. Eternal life in heaven will be a perfect bucket with no holes completely filled with the love of Christ and satisfaction—no wants or fears, just sweet fellowship with Jesus and those who have gone before us.

Today, what is your “If only…”? What is your “What if”?

Recognize the subtle danger of these thoughts, which produce self-pity and fear. Make a conscious decision to dump them someplace (down the garbage disposal, in the trash, or fireplace).

Begin to say His traits out loud: “You are my Father, You go before me. You prepare a way for me. You protect me. You bless me. You understand me. You forgive me. You know me better than I know myself and you love me totally, completely, perfectly. No matter what happens You are still in charge. You will never forsake me.”

This puts your focus on God, where it belongs.

Chances are, teenager Michelle Carter wasn’t thinking about what might happen to her when she texted her boyfriend Conrad Roy as he was in the process of ending his life. Whether these texts were heartless or compassionate is up to interpretation, but to Massachusetts authorities it was clear that Michelle encouraged Conrad to go through with his plan. And nearly three years later she was convicted of involuntary manslaughter.

Things might have been different if Michelle’s parents had been able to intervene. But if they’re like most parents, they probably weren’t aware of how their daughter was communicating. It’s not unusual for a large divide to exist between kids and their parents; what’s changed in recent years is that many parents have no idea what their kids are doing on social media.

It’s important to help your kids be wise in their use of social media. Here are some key points to discuss with them:

1. Your digital communication can come back to haunt you.

Many kids don’t realize how the words and photos they post online live on and can lead to consequences down the road. With apps like Snapchat that show text and photos momentarily before they disappear, they may get a false sense of security. Whatever the motives or emotions at the time of posting, tweets and text messages and Facebook posts can take on a different meaning if they fall into the hands of someone other than the original recipient.

Colleges and employers routinely search an applicant’s social media footprint when making decisions about enrollment or employment. Businesses also may monitor the digital communication of their current employees. I know a teen who, this month, had a bad day at work and decided to gripe about her employer on a message board. She didn’t know that the business owner was also on the board, and she lost her job because they felt she was stirring up dissent among other employees.

2. Online privacy is a myth.

Anything you say or do on a laptop, tablet, or smartphone is vulnerable. In 2014, Miss Teen USA Cassidy Wolf found out that a high school classmate had hacked into the camera of the laptop that she kept in her bedroom and was watching her every move for a year.

It’s not just strangers who pose a problem. In the fickle world of adolescence, today’s friends can be tomorrow’s foes. How many news stories have we seen through the years about emails or photos that were first shared privately, only to be used to humiliate the sender when a relationship goes sour? Even text and photos your kids send through Snapchat can be screenshotted before they disappear and used against them.

In fact, everything done on an electronic device leaves a footprint that can be tracked. Web surfing history, downloads, even text messages can be recovered even after they’ve been deleted from a device. Even if Michelle Carter had deleted all her conversations with Conrad Roy, investigators would have been able to restore them.

3. Someone may be watching you.

For some mobile apps like Google Maps, it’s essential to allow your GPS to communicate your location. For most social media apps, though, this can open the door for problems. Snapchat recently announced a new feature which allows users to let friends know their exact geographic location in real time. That sent up some red flags from parents and adult users who recognize the potential for attracting stalkers.

Popular social media apps like Facebook, Instagram, and Find my Friends all allow you to add your location whenever you make a post. It’s likely that your kids are only doing this to communicate with their friends, but the bigger question may be, what constitutes a friend?

Your kids’ social media friend lists certainly include family members and their most trusted friends. But they also likely include their friends’ friends, casual acquaintances, and even strangers. These are people whose character they probably don’t know well, and that’s an invitation to trouble when it comes to using location services.

Encourage your adolescent to only post their location to close friends and family, or when they’re with adults or a large group of friends, or just to wait until after they’ve left a locale to post where they’ve been.

4. Cyber actions have real-world consequences.

The more time we spend on social media, the more our tendency to detach the images, social media profile, or screen name from the real people with real feelings who they represent. We tend to say and do things electronically that we would never think of doing in the presence of these people.

Catty comments and cyber bullying can lead to broken relationships, hurt feelings, and even suicide. Your kids need the constant encouragement to treat others with respect, and to let you know when others are verbally attacking them, or pressuring them to share inappropriate images.

5. “Life and death are in the power of the tongue…” (Proverbs 18:21).

Communication is a gift of God that allows us to relate to others and to Him. Throughout Scripture, particularly in Proverbs and the Epistles, we find lots of wisdom about how to use our words with others. Remind your children of these principles so that they ask themselves important questions before they post a comment or photo:

Will what I’m about to send build up or tear down? (Ephesians 4:29-32)
Before I talk about a person to others, have I talked to that person about any problem I have with him or her? (Galatians 6:1; Matthew 18:15)
Does what I’m saying and doing reflect well on me? Will it embarrass my family? Does it please God? (Matthew 22:37-40; 1 Corinthians 10:31)
Will this selfie I’m taking and about to send gain me true friends, or might it lead people to believe that I’m selfish and shallow? (1 Samuel 16:7; Proverbs 31:30)

Give them what you have to offer: wisdom from experience

Your kids probably know more about technology than you. Get used to it. But it will be many years before they have the discernment and wisdom that you’ve gained through years of successes and failures.

Kids are likely to be influenced by peers, allured by the prospect of new experiences, and prone to act on things based on the moment. So your kids need you—your wisdom, your emotional and spiritual maturity.

Engage your kids about their digital media use, but do it in a gracious way. If you see something that raises concern, let them know about it.

Just last night, my wife saw on Instagram that our daughter posted a video she took of her mom exercising. Our daughter posted it because she thought her mom looked cute, but she didn’t ask permission. It didn’t cross her mind that the video might have been a bit embarrassing to her mom. These conversations are important, and they help our maturing kids build perspective.

Your kids most likely won’t appreciate it, but expect them to give you password access to their smartphone and tablet. Even if you don’t ever check, they’ll still know that they’re accountable to you, and that may be the thing that keeps them out of trouble.

Also, insist that your kids take frequent breaks from their electronics and spend real-life time with the family. Social media can be a great way to learn and to connect with others, but it’s not a substitute for the real thing.

I will remember the night for the rest of my life. My best friend sat next to me and sobbed his eyes out as he confessed sin after sin that he had been bottling up inside. He talked about his selfish desire for glory, and the times he had hurt people just to be noticed, and how his mind was under the constant attack of sexually immoral thoughts.

As I listened, my heart shattered. I wondered what would crack open up such a horrible world in his mind. When I asked, he replied with one word: YouTube.

He told me that he had internet access at a young age, and no one monitored what he did online. He stumbled across various comedy and animated video series and internet personalities and productions. Some of the most prominent were Game Grumps, Cyanide & Happiness, Markiplier, PewDiePie, Funhaus, and Rooster Teeth.

The characters portrayed in these videos are funny; they play video games and are interested in the same kinds of pop culture that my friend was. But they take these topics and twist them with disturbing jokes, destructive comments, and tons of disgusting innuendo.

Appealing to youth culture

The creators of these YouTube videos make raunchy jokes that trivialize domestic violence, emotional and physical abuse, murder, and sexual assault. They glorify drunk driving and use language that is both crude and violent.

The creators know how to appeal to youth culture, but they invest their time and resources not to improve that culture but to pollute it. Their fame comes from little more than pushing buttons and making videos that, from my observation on the college campus, help to destroy the minds of the children and young adults who are mesmerized by them. Not only that, their followers are creating memes that circulate through the internet, encouraging the video stars to create more videos with more terrible content to gain even more viewers.

In all they say and do, it becomes obvious that their actions and words seek not to bring any glory to the Father, but to gain laughs, views, followers, and fame for themselves.

As our world becomes more focused on web and digital entertainment, it’s important to understand what young people watch today. Many parents have little idea of what their kids are viewing.

Internet stars

The younger generation is learning that with access to video cameras and the internet, in the blink of an eye they could go from normal to internet stars seemingly overnight. With the world at their fingertips, they put up just about anything on display to the world and attract approval. All they need is something juicy enough to catch the viewers and a desire for their own glory.

It’s not just the immoral content of many videos that we should avoid. The desire for YouTube fame is also leading many to make unwise choices. Take the disastrous downfall of a young Minnesota couple who decided to become internet famous. What started out as viral videos of harmless pranks turned deadly when Monalisa Perez fired a gun at a book held by her boyfriend, Pedro Ruiz. He had convinced her that the book would stop the bullet. Instead he was killed, and she was charged with manslaughter.

On a less extreme side, a new trend on YouTube is parents taping “crazy for baby” videos or featuring their children doing ridiculous things. Some are harmless, but others almost feel like exploitation—parents feed their little children scripts, or pull pranks on their kids and then post the results online in the hope that they can gain some small amount of recognition. They use their social media accounts to showcase their children to viewers they don’t even know. All without even thinking of the strange people out there in the world, or the ramifications of their actions on their children’s safety or future.

Forgetting what life is about

The world has become a place where the desire for fame has spread like wildfire through dry grass. We focus so much on being perceived as cool or funny to the world, and become so obsessed with gaining our own glory, that at times we forget what life is all about.

As followers of Jesus Christ, our lives should reflect our Savior, not be squandered mindlessly consuming content we know goes against the purity the Bible preaches. We should avoid doing things for our own glory, especially through damaging and selfish means.

In Philippians 4:8 Paul writes, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” When we feed on content that is graphic and disgusting in nature, we expose ourselves to the opposite of what the Bible calls us to.

Seeking the approval of our Father

While on this earth, we live for the glory of our Father. The things we do and the things we expose ourselves to should reflect that our deepest desire is for the approval of our Father.

Scripture warns us in Ephesians 5:15-16, “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.”

You may not yet be at the point that my friend was. You may not seek fame through the web. But what is the world getting you to watch or laugh at? Where is your approval and worth coming from? The laughs and the self-serving glory will fade away. At the end of the day, only God and His magnificence will remain, not just for a fleeting season, but for eternity.

So the question is, which will you build into?

Otto Frank, the father of Anne Frank, once said to her, “Parents can only give good advice or put [their children] on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.”

Indeed, after all the years of a parent’s hard work of spending money, sacrificing time, worrying, hoping, and praying, there comes a point when our children go off on their own. And that’s when we have to ask ourselves, “Did we point them in the right direction?”

The Psalmist said, “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth” (Psalm 127:4). Eventually, each child will move from your care and launch into the world. And wherever each one is pointed is where the child will land.

It was that Scripture that inspired FamilyLife to create its first movie, Like Arrows, coming to theaters nationwide May 1 and 3. FamilyLife’s Dennis and Barbara Rainey and Bob Lepine serve as executive producers, along with Stephen and Alex Kendrick (War Room and Courageous); and the film is directed by Kevin Peeples. Together, they helped bring the story of Charlie and Alice and their family to life.

The plot follows the young couple through the ups and downs of parenting, and ends with their wedding anniversary of 50 years to show the challenges they face both from a worldly and a Christian perspective, and also the benefits of raising a family according to the principles of God’s Word. Go to LikeArrowsMovie.com to see the trailer and learn more about the movie.

Tools like the movie Like Arrows can guide parents on how to find the answers to the problems they encounter with their children. Parents, even Christian parents, aren’t born knowing how to parent in a godly way. Someone has to teach them, and Like Arrows can be that starting point.

This movie will be an encouragement and inspiration for your family, but more than that, it can be used by you to reach families around you. We need your help to spread the message of godly parenting. Here are five ways you can use Like Arrows to reach the people within your sphere of influence.

1. Take someone with you. If you’re like me, you already have several people in mind who could use this kind of parenting information. Why not invite one or two of those people to go see the movie with you May 1 and 3? Pay for their tickets. Better yet, make a night of it and pay for their dinner, too. Or offer to babysit while they go see the movie with their spouse. The message of the movie will only help if the people who need to see it get to see it.

2. Take your small group. If there is one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that you never know what the people around you are going through. The couples in your small group may look like they have it all together, but behind closed doors, they may be a mess.

If the whole small group goes, no one feels like they’ve been singled out, and everyone has a great time. As much as you can, take away any barriers to going. You might all chip in to hire a babysitter for the night. Go out for ice cream after the showing. It might spark some conversations that could lead to permanent change in someone’s home.

3. Announce the movie to the whole church to launch a Bible study on parenting. Like Arrows is actually just the beginning. It serves as the perfect kickoff to hosting parenting-focused small groups in your church and aligns with a new 8-week study being released: FamilyLife’s Art of Parenting^®.

4. Share the news. Like Arrows isn’t just relevant to church people. Invite your co-workers, your fishing buddies, craft and scrapbook friends, your kids’ teachers, Facebook friends—anyone who can use some good parenting advice. For the skeptic, it offers the good news of the gospel. For the faithful follower of Christ, it offers practical tips. And for everyone, it offers hope.

5. Pray. Without the power of the Holy Spirit to open the eyes and ears of the audience, the message will never penetrate their hearts. Jesus said, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened” (Matthew 7:7-8). That’s why we need every believer to join us in prayer. Maybe even get a group of prayer warriors together the nights of May 1 and 3 to fervently ask God to work in the hearts of audiences around the country.

The generations are growing darker because parents don’t know where to go for their own problems, so they certainly don’t know how to help their children with theirs. Be a part of the message of hope and get involved with Like Arrows in one or more of these ways. In His Word, God has already given us the principles on how to prepare our children to be the arrows we send out in the world. Now we need your help to share it. Go to LikeArrowsMovie.com for more ticket information and to find a showing at a theater near you.

“Check out my six pack,” my daughter said with a grin. I looked over at her slouched on the couch as she held up her thumbs. She went on, “I’ve been texting so much, I’ve developed three bulging muscles in each thumb.” I rolled my eyes, making light of her comment, but on the inside I also realized she had turned a corner with technology.

As a teenager, she’s reached the age where from here on she will always be one step ahead of me with technology. She will know what the newest apps are and how to use them before I do. She will know the newest internet lingo before I will. And she’ll adopt new social media tools before I’ve even heard of them.

I’m not alone. I’m guessing, regardless of how tech savvy you are as a parent, your teenager will always know more. It’s quite sobering, is it not?

Expressing themselves in 140 characters

The pace of life in our culture leaves precious little time for real-world interaction. This generation of teenagers has largely exchanged face-to-face time with friends for screen time with acquaintances. They desire community, close friendships, and environments where they can “just be me,” but they attempt to find these things in social media apps such as YouTube, Snapchat, Tumblr, and Instagram.

Social media programs are built around the idea of connecting with others and self-expression. Because of this, young users can tend to go overboard in friending everyone who comes along, and they can have poor self-control in knowing what can be posted. This is particularly true when it comes to issues of a sexual nature.

When we were young teenagers, if we wanted to flirt with someone, we would put a note in their locker or have a friend pass on a message. Today’s teens send sexually graphic text messages called sexts. Far from a fringe behavior, a recent survey revealed that 39% of all teens say they have sent/posted a sexually suggestive message. Over 20% have sent/posted nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves and more than half of girls said they felt pressure by a boyfriend to send a “special” picture.

Digital reputations last a lifetime

Teenagers have grown accustomed to sharing all of their life online. Regardless if the information they post is silly or sensitive, sappy or self-centered, all of it is part of a digital reputation they are creating.

Social networking has given colleges and prospective employers a bird’s-eye view into the life of every teenager. It may not be fair, but every person your teen has “friended,” organization or group they have “liked,” and photo they have posted, is a permanent record of their digital life.

More than 70% of colleges now look at the Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube accounts of applicants to judge the quality of the student. When grading job applicants, 40% of Fortune 500 companies now scour social media sites to see who a person really is.

It is hard for your teen to think four to eight years down the road to how his present online actions can affect his future. He doesn’t have the life experience yet to fully grasp the public forum the internet and social media create. Part of your job as a parent is to be a buffer for him—to help him see his online self from an outsider’s perspective. Have him ask the following questions before posting anything online:

Does this clearly communicate who I am?
Does this compromise my faith or moral standard?
Do I want this to always be associated with me?
Am I writing this just because I’m angry or hurt?
Would I want my future spouse to see this?

An engaging response to technology

On the surface, it may appear that your teen’s life is more fractured because of technology. But for them, this way of life is the only thing they’ve ever known. The sheer quantity of technology in a teen’s life can strain communication between the two of you, and it can cause their lives to become unbalanced. That tension requires you to adjust how you communicate with each other, and it requires your teen to be accountable to having good boundaries with technology.

Here are four suggestions to get your teen to begin using technology wisely:

1. Set time of day restrictions.

Make sure your teen is getting a good night’s sleep by putting all their tech devices on the kitchen counter and not in their bedroom. Set a time when all devices need to be shut down.

2. Look one another in the eyes.

Whenever you and your teenager are talking to one another, the fingers need to stop and eyes look up. This goes both ways. Don’t miss out on a moment when your teen is being vulnerable and wants to talk simply because you can’t put down the laptop yourself.

3. Provide a safe environment.

Starting when your children are young, make sure you are setting them up for success with technology by putting your computers in an open area of your home. Set up filtering software on all of their devices including iPods, tablets, cell phones, and handheld gaming systems.

4. Hold them accountable but with grace.

Your teenager is going to make some huge, monumental, foolish mistakes with technology. Whether it is a careless photo on Facebook, looking at digital pornography, or sending a tweet they can’t take back, they need to know that you still receive them. Chances are they already feel embarrassed about it; now they need your help to know how to make things right.

If our teenagers are going to learn to use technology in a way that is honoring to themselves and the God we serve, then we must choose to engage technology with them. Instead of perpetually being frustrated, become a learner.

Ask your child to show you how to use the new phone you just bought. Ask your teenager to share one new social media buzzword with you that you didn’t know. Send them a text message with words of encouragement or praise instead of just checking in on when they will be home. Sit down and play a video game with your son. When you take these sorts of steps, technology is working with you instead of against you.

I’ll never have a six pack in my thumbs, nor will I ever equal the amount of time my children are connected to technology. But with the time we do have together as a family, I can model for them how to use technology responsibly and set reasonable expectations for their own technology usage so we don’t forget what one another’s eyes look like.

What started as a parenting resource will make its debut on the silver screen in May as FamilyLife launches its first full-length feature movie, Like Arrows.

The film will be shown as a two-day-only event on May 1 and 3 on more than 800 screens and in every state. To learn more about the movie, find out where it will be showing, and how to reserve tickets, go to LikeArrowsMovie.com.

The film centers on the joys and trials of parenting and the power of family to shape the next generation. More than just an entertaining movie, the goal of Like Arrows is to honestly show a couple journeying through every phase of parenting. The film opens with Alice telling her boyfriend Charlie she is pregnant. As they are married and begin growing their family, they face typical parenting struggles and become aware of their need to be intentional and to cling to God’s blueprints for marriage and family.

“The parenting journey is both incredibly challenging and incredibly rewarding at the same time,” says FamilyLife’s Bob Lepine, who served as one of the executive producers for the project. “We wanted to take viewers on what we hope will be a very relatable journey. And in the process, we hope they’ll be inspired to make their faith more core to how they function as a family. That’s the goal.”

The movie’s title, Like Arrows, is drawn from one of the most family-centered passages in Scripture, Psalm 127:3-5:

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

This passage refers to the fact that children are not just a blessing, but a responsibility. Parents are to raise the children God has given them and launch them with aim into the world, “like arrows in the hands of a mighty warrior.”

The Art of Parenting®

Like Arrows is part of a special FamilyLife initiative to equip parents. A new video curriculum, FamilyLife’s The Art of Parenting®, will be released at the same time as the film. It is FamilyLife’s third major video release, after The Art of Marriage® and the men’s resource Stepping Up®.

But a feature-length movie wasn’t originally in the script. The goal was to create a continuing story that would unfold week to week as part of the new video curriculum.

As the storyline came together, Lepine and the FamilyLife team began to wonder what it would be like if the story was told in a single sitting. When all the elements were put together, it was clear the impact of the story was stronger when it was viewed as a whole.

The key was a good script and good directing. Alex and Stephen Kendrick (Facing the Giants, Fireproof, Courageous, War Room) recommended Kevin Peeples to serve as the film’s director. He also collaborated on the script with Alex Kendrick and Bob Lepine. By the time the script was completed, Alex agreed to be cast in a featured role in the movie. Like Arrows also features the capable acting of Alan Powell (The Song, Christmas in the Smokies) and newcomer Micah Lynn Hanson. Together, they take viewers through the 50-year parenting journey as the principle characters.

“Those who have seen a preview of the film have told us that two themes really stand out,” Lepine says. “The first is that successful parenting involves intentionality. Our characters learn that moms and dads can’t be passive as parents.

“The second theme that has resonated with audiences is that no matter what issues you face in raising your children, it’s never too late to change course and follow God’s design. To keep the gospel central to all we do as parents.”

Help and hope

The ultimate goal of the movie is not just to entertain or connect with viewers, but to point them to help and hope for their home and family. Both before and after the movie plays in theaters, audiences will be able to experience an exclusive feature about Like Arrows and parenting, featuring FamilyLife co-founders Dennis and Barbara Rainey, along with co-producers Lepine and the Kendrick brothers.

Dennis Rainey, co-founder of FamilyLife, would like the material to be available to parents everywhere and as soon as possible, since the need for help and hope is so great. “Our goal is to reach more than one million homes around the world over the next three years with practical, biblically anchored help for moms and dads as they raise the next generation.”

For more information on Like Arrows, go to LikeArrowsMovie.com. Or watch the teaser.

Feeling passionate about parenting? If you’d genuinely like a shot in the arm for your parenting, perhaps these questions can get you started. But remember: Their effectiveness is proportionate to your level of honesty, humility, and most of all, dependence on God’s power to make His presence a reality in your children’s lives.

1. What are the most significant cravings of each of my kids’ hearts?

2. How am I doing at building a relational bridge with my children? Do I “have their hearts”? Do they feel connected with and encouraged by me? Do I feel connected with them?

3. When I’m honest, what top five values do I feel most compelled to instill in my children? Would those line up with the top five values God would want my children to have?

4. What are each of my children’s greatest strengths and greatest weaknesses?

5. Am I being faithful to pray diligently, deeply, and watchfully for my kids? (For a great FamilyLife resource on this, click here.)

6. Which child in our family is most likely to be overlooked, and why?

7. Which child tends to receive most of my attention? Why?

8. How do I believe other people see each of my children? How do I feel about that? What portion of others’ opinions could I learn from, and what should I set aside?

9. Are my children developing more into givers than takers?

10. What life skills would I like my children to develop this year?

11. What are the events on the timeline of my children’s lives that have the most impact?

12. In what ways have my children exceeded my expectations?

13. Do I have any expectations of my children that have become demands that I clutch out of fear, rather than hopes that I seek from God by faith?

14. In what ways do I feel disappointed by my children? What can I learn from this? (For example, about what is valuable to me, about how God has made my children, about loving as God loves, etc.) What should I do about this in the future?

15. What is my greatest area of weakness as a parent? My greatest strength? What are my spouse’s?

16. In what ways are my children totally unlike me?

17. What did my parents do particularly well? In what ways do I hope to be different? (Is there any forgiveness that needs to happen there?)

18. What events from my childhood are important for me to shield my own children from? Are there ways that this has led to excessive control?

19. In what areas are my children most vulnerable?

20. What do I love about my kids? About being a parent?

21. How well do my spouse and I work as a team in our parenting?

22. How am I doing on preparing my children to be “launched” as thriving servants for God in the real world?

23. What can I do to equip my children to love well? To be wise? For successful relationships?

24. How is my children’s understanding of the Bible? How would I describe each of their relationships and walks with God?

25. Who are the other influential people in my kids’ lives? As I think of my children’s friends, teachers, coaches, etc., how can I best pray that they will complement my parenting and my kids’ needs?

26. Am I replenishing myself and taking adequate rests, so that my children see the gospel work of grace, patience, and peace in my home?

27. What are each of my kids passionate about? How can I spur on and develop their God-given passions?

28. How am I doing on teaching them biblical conflict resolution? Am I teaching them to be true peace-makers … or peace-fakers, or peace-breakers?

29. How authentically do I speak with my kids? Am I building a bridge of trust and security through my honesty and openness with them?

30. Am I striking a good balance between protecting my kids and equipping them for whatever they may encounter when they step outside of my home, now and in the future?

31. What great memories have I recently made with my kids?

This interview is adapted from “Reclaiming Easter,” a FamilyLife Today® broadcast series with host Dennis Rainey and his wife, Barbara, and co-host Bob Lepine.

Bob Lepine: If this was the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas, we would all be very aware that Christmas was just around the corner. You couldn’t go anywhere without knowing that it’s Christmas time. … But here it is—we’re a few weeks away from Easter, and there is pretty much nothing that indicates that to you if you’re out in the shopping mall or if you’re driving in your car. Easter just isn’t talked about—it’s ignored. … As a result, a lot of Christians don’t even think about it until it’s … “Oh, this Sunday is Easter!”

Barbara: No, Christians are not thinking about it. Part of it is because we’re so used to being surrounded by everything that reminds us of Christmas during the month of December … but Easter is not like that. We don’t have music that’s playing on the radio, we don’t have decorations in every store, and we don’t have lights strung from houses.

Easter should be much more joyous—much more, almost rambunctious—of a celebration than Christmas because we have so much to rejoice over because of what Christ did for us on the cross.

Easter is about forgiveness

Dennis: I know that you, Barbara, have a strong conviction that—just as Christmas is around the theme of giving—we’re missing an opportunity to really focus on and teach our children something else that is all about Easter.

Barbara: Well, when you think about Christmas, we all know that it’s about giving. We can’t get away from it. It’s absolutely inescapable. It’s in our faces for over a month … but, when it comes to Easter, we’re kind of confused about what it means. We understand that Jesus died on the cross, but we kind of don’t know what to do with that.

As I was thinking about it, I thought, The real theme for Easter is the theme of forgiveness. Easter is all about forgiveness. It’s all about Christ dying on our behalf so that we can have a right relationship with Him so that we can be reconciled to the Father. … It would just be wonderful to see families begin to focus on teaching forgiveness and practicing forgiveness at Easter like we focus on giving at Christmas.

Dennis: One of the verses that is most often repeated here on FamilyLife Today is Ephesians 4:32. Paul writes, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another just as God in Christ forgave you.”

What is forgiveness? It is giving up the right to punish another person. Christ modeled it. … He went to the cross to offer forgiveness to us if we will receive Him as our Savior, Master, and Lord.

Bob: And when you think about Easter, you have to keep in mind that, in a real sense, God didn’t give up the right to punish us but, instead, He redirected the punishment that we deserve … He poured it out on His Son—that’s what Good Friday reminds us of. Easter points to the fact that, as a result … we have transformation, we have new life, we have hope.

Barbara: And I think it’s a great topic for families to talk about because forgiveness is essential for every marriage, it’s essential for every family, it’s essential for every working relationship—because we’re all broken and we’re all going to make mistakes. We all need to not only give forgiveness, but to be granted forgiveness. The more families can talk about forgiveness, the more it becomes something that they understand—they know how to practice it, they know how to give it.

It’s such a foreign concept to us, in our humanity, because we aren’t naturally good forgivers. … Talking about it at Easter and learning stories of forgiveness is a great way to help children understand, as they grow up, what it looks like practically: “What does it mean? How does that even work?”

I think one of the best ways for moms and dads to help their kids learn about forgiveness is to talk about it and to model it. You have to demonstrate it to your kids. I remember, when we were raising our kids, Dennis and I both made a real conscious effort to teach our kids what it meant to forgive. When I would make mistakes—which I did all the time every day—I remember making a conscious effort of sitting down and saying to them: “Mommy did this, and it was wrong. I need to ask you to forgive me. Will you forgive me?”

And then, when our kids would offend one another, we would say: “Now, you need to say what you did and name it—name what you did that was wrong to your sibling. Then, you need to say, ‘Will you forgive me?’” Then the sibling needs to say, “Yes, I forgive you,” so that it really is that transaction that takes place.

Another way that is really helpful to teach children forgiveness is to read them stories of other people who have exhibited forgiveness. We have this book—Growing Together in Forgiveness—that has seven stories of people who have demonstrated remarkable forgiveness in situations that are hard for most of us to even comprehend how someone could ask for forgiveness, and how someone could grant forgiveness for really, really difficult things. When you read stories like that to your kids, it inspires them: “Oh, if that person can forgive that, then maybe I can forgive my brother,” or “Maybe I can forgive my friend at school who was bullying me.”

His daughter was murdered

Dennis: Those seven stories are—they are pretty remarkable—I mean, the people who forgave had pretty tough things done to them.

Barbara: One of my favorite stories comes from the country of New Zealand. … The story goes that—in the 1800s sometime, some missionaries came and they brought the gospel to the tribes of the land. There was a particular tribe who received the news, and responded to the gospel, and became believers. They each got a little copy of the Gospel of Luke, as a gift. … One little girl in the tribe learned to read from the missionaries. She read this Gospel of Luke to everyone in her tribe.

The story goes that this school that she was a part of—that was led by the missionaries—had to move locations. On the journey the children and the teachers were attacked by another tribe, and she was murdered.

When her father discovered that she was murdered, his response was, “I have come to know Christ, and Jesus does not want us to take revenge. So I must learn how to forgive the one who killed my daughter.” He didn’t even, at the time, know who it was.

The story goes that the man who actually killed this little girl found her Gospel of Luke—she carried it with her wherever she went. … He found someone who could read it to him … and he realized, “I offended God,” and he became a Christian then.

After receiving Christ, he understood that he needed to seek forgiveness. He walked to the other tribe and asked the father of the girl he killed to forgive him.

Part of what is so remarkable to me about the story is, not just that it happened, but that it’s taught in the schools of New Zealand to this day—to all the children in every school—it’s a part of their history. … I just think it’s a wonderful illustration of how teaching our children these stories, as they’re growing up, it’s planting the seeds of truth in their hearts so it’s a part of who they are. … God may use that to lead them, then, to grant forgiveness to someone else.

Visual cues to talk about Easter

Bob: As we’ve said, the culture doesn’t give us a lot of cues to try to have these kinds of conversations. As you’ve been designing resources in the Ever Thine Home^® collection that you’ve created, you’re trying to give families some of the visual cues to have around the home that trigger the opportunity for this kind of discussion.

Barbara: Exactly. We have lots of those at Christmas. We have trees, and we have wreaths, and we have lights. Everything says: “This is a special occasion.”

We have so little that’s biblical at our disposal that we can put on display … I’m hopeful that God will grant us favor in helping me and my team to come up with ideas for ways that we can make a visual statement—not just for neighbors and friends, but for our own reminder … that we can see something in our house around Easter that reminds us: “Oh, yes. We’re in the Easter season. We’re talking about Christ, and the cross, and what He did for us.”

We need those cues—those visual cues.

Bob: Will you have pastel eggs that you dyed that you’ll put out somewhere?

Barbara: No. I would have—we did that when we had our kids at home—but we won’t have the grandkids around. We will go see them, probably, but we won’t do eggs at my house.

Bob: So what do you have?

Barbara: Well, I have a banner—an Easter banner—that we created a year ago. …

You can put that on your front door or you can hang it on a wall in your house. On the burlap side, it has a lamb and it says, “I am the Resurrection and the Life,” which is one of Jesus’ claims of deity. And then, you flip it over on Easter Sunday morning. It has a crown and it says, “He Is Risen.”

It’s a way to make a statement in your house—just for your own family or on your front door for anybody who drives by or comes by—that “In this house, we believe in Christ and what He did for us.”

Dennis: I think the question for every mom and dad is this, how are you going to make Easter a special time? How are you going to focus on forgiveness? How are you going to model it? How are you going to teach about it? How are you going to train your children to know what it means to truly forgive another person?

This is at the heart of what Christianity is all about. It’s why this season ought to be, as you said earlier, one of the most rambunctious times in our entire year.

Who doesn’t enjoy a good story? Especially a love story?

As a writer for FamilyLife, I’ve had the privilege of interviewing lots of men and women about their marriages and families. But no one has been married as long as Orvil and Edith Thomas. Their commitment to one another has never wavered for more than seven decades.

My husband and I have been married for 37 years. To me, that’s a very long time. But from Orvil and Edith’s perspective, we’re just babes in the world of matrimony.

As I look at a picture of Edith Aston and Orvil Thomas, taken right before their wedding day in May of 1940, I see a young man and woman who are not very different from engaged couples today. Starry-eyed and in love, their lives were filled with hopes and dreams and excitement about their future together.

Edith and Orvil were just teenagers when they married 71 years ago. That was before television, microwaves, personal computers, and the Internet. Winston Churchill, known for his never-give-up spirit, had just become Britain’s Prime Minister.

And just like newlyweds today, the Thomases had no idea what was before them when they married. But whatever it would be, they were determined to walk through it together.

She caught his eye

Orvil first noticed Edith Aston at a community baseball game back in May of 1939. At that time, it seemed like every little community had a ball team, and Harrisburg, Arkansas, was no exception. Orvil was playing catcher when Edith, a 15-year-old beauty, caught his eye. They began dating a few months later.

Like many couples, Orvil and Edith fell in love and decided to get married. “I think if you love each other you ought to get married,” Edith says, adding, “that’s a commitment that Orvil and I both take seriously.”

But unlike most couples, they secretly married and then returned to their individual homes after the simple ceremony.

At the time, Orvil had accepted a job working in a rice field—one that paid a whopping $1.50 a day. And the job came with a house. But it wasn’t vacant yet. After a justice of the peace married the Thomases, they had no place to go. So they returned home and didn’t tell their parents.

Edith’s parents had an 80-acre farm about six miles outside of Harrisburg. They grew corn, sorghum, and cotton. About a week after the ceremony, her father drove into town to get some farm supplies. When he returned, he threw a straw hat down in front of Edith and said, “Now, there’s your wedding present!” Apparently the secret marriage had not been so secret after all.

Three weeks after their marriage, Edith and Orvil had their parents’ blessings and began living as man and wife. They moved into the rice farmer’s field hand house, and Orvil worked the fields from daylight until dusk.

Like many houses in that day, the Thomases’ had no electricity or running water. Instead the newlyweds used kerosene lamps and pumped water from a well.

But life was good because they were in love.

Walking together through life

Faith has been a key ingredient in their life together. “You’ve got to have faith if you are going to live with any success,” Edith says. “We’ve always had a strong faith. He’s [God] seen us through hard time and good times.”

The good times have included the births of their three daughters: Polly, Dot, and Kat. “I think that their faith has been the glue that’s held them together all these years,” Polly says. During the difficult times—losing siblings, parents, and two grandsons—“those are the times that your faith steps in and helps you through.”

Born and raised near Harrisburg, they once knew everybody in town. And everyone knew them. For decades they’ve held neighborhood fish fries in the summer. When Orvil turned 90 in April 2011, he and a son-in-law fried fish that Orvil had caught throughout the year. Fifty-six people, from five states, came for dinner.

Orvil still mows the yard and makes a garden. He worked on lawnmowers until recently. When he turned 90, he decided it was time to retire from that.

But he says he’ll never retire from marriage. He’ll never give up on that.

Back in 1940, when Edith and Orvil Thomas married, they had no idea that one day a man would walk on the moon. But they did know that they would walk together through the ups and downs of their lives—day by day and year by year. And for the past 71 years that’s exactly what they have done.

On July 8, 2009, my wife Laurie was diagnosed with breast cancer. Almost three long years later, she died on April 4, 2012. Soon my two sons and I will have our first Christmas without Mom. Although it hasn’t been easy, I am filled with hope.

Like lots of other people I know, Laurie and I had a wonderful but imperfect marriage. And despite the dings and dents in our relationship, I loved her dearly. I often told her how much she meant to me … how she made me be a better person. Part of what I gained from loving her as my wife for those 14-plus years has helped me fill a hole in my heart with God’s strength, courage, and grace.

Entering our first winter of loss

I am grateful that God gave Laurie to me for a season. This fall I was reminded of that as I passed a stunning maple tree at the top of the hill overlooking my house. Every October God blesses me when the afternoon sunlight shines through those golden leaves. But then the inevitable always happens: A cold front moves in, the wind blows, and the rains pound down, leaving bare branches and only memories of those October afternoons.

Now I’m left with only memories of Laurie. Her death has left a deep void in our family. The boys and I are finding that we need to be intentional about filling that empty space with God. You see, a vacuum can fill up with lots of stuff if you let it. It can fill with depression, anger, frustration, or fear. It can fill with addiction to any number of things. It can fill with loneliness or a relationship with the next person who comes along.

But repeatedly, God calls us to wait on Him. He tells us when we are weak and laboring under heavy burdens to turn them over to Him. Paul told the Philippians that he knew what it was to live with plenty and with nothing, but that he could do anything with Christ who gave him strength (Philippians 4:12-13).

The gap in my family

Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. Our family didn’t fully appreciate the abundance we enjoyed until we had to live without the love, joy, and beauty that my wife brought.

As a husband, I didn’t fully appreciate how she completed me as a person. As a parent, I now struggle to balance being both the “bad guy” of discipline but also the “good guy” of understanding, comfort, and sympathy. I often reflect on how Laurie loved our sons, taught them, reined them in, and then let them go.

Laurie defined our parenting mission that I carry on today: “to raise excellent, godly men.” She started traditions for us, like praying together with the boys each morning while waiting for the bus. Or saying, “YCDA!” (you can do anything) as they ran off. They would always reply, “Yes, I can, with God’s help!”

She introduced me to Christian radio and FamilyLife Today® and podcasts, where I constantly hear the right inspiration at just the right moment. We challenged each other continuously to think about our faith. And she challenged me in such a way that I studied and prayed more.

Spring will come

As Christmas approaches in the shadow of our loss, it’s easy to focus on sadness, depression, and frustration. Some might even shake their fist at God and ask why a person who gave so much had to be taken so soon. But I always try to remember to say, “Thank you, Lord,” and to celebrate the blessing of Laurie. I thank God for the difference she made in my life, especially how she drew me closer to Him.

Only Christ’s unending love will help the boys and me make it through our first Christmas without Laurie, through our winter of loss, and then into springtime filled with hope.

One of the things we emphasize in our family is the “power of shared experiences.” One of the richest times I share with my son is reading together in the evening. We’ve read all sorts of material over the last few years: novels, short stories, classics, fantasy, Christian literature, Bibles. At age six, John Isaac sat through all 423 pages of the first book in The Lord of the Rings series.

Why is reading with your children so valuable? Because the activity accomplishes a number of important things:

Reading gives us quality time together.
Reading creates shared memories using shared stories, resulting in a common language.
Reading slows us down from the hectic pace of life.
Reading gives me, as a father, an opportunity to expose my children to good literature, which will hopefully increase their desire for better books, rather than the common dribble pushed upon kids today.
Reading gives me tremendous opportunities for discussions about a wide range of topics (morality, wisdom, religion, life, death, war, peace, romance, you name it!)

I try to make sure that, even when reading novels and literature, we’re also reading good story Bibles or other Christian literature. Having the Bible in mind provides a basis for discussion for other books, and the connection between the two is often striking. For example, if we read about the evil leader in the Lord of the Rings books (Sauron, who desires the “one ring” in order to dominate the world), the catechism question for the day may also deal with the fallen state of human nature, and I want to draw out those connections whenever possible.

Here are a few Bibles and works of Christian literature that my family enjoys reading together:

The Big Picture Story Bible. Many children’s Bibles are simply collections of popular stories from Scripture. However, this Bible weaves together stories from the Old and New Testament to show how all the promises of the Bible point toward and are fulfilled in Jesus Christ. In many ways it is a theology text disguised by great pictures (shhhh … don’t tell your kids!) We often pass along copies to families with newborns as a baby gift. You can start reading this to your child at a very young age. Many of the parents find themselves learning from the message of this book as well along the way.

The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones. This Bible is similar to The Big Picture Story Bible in that it shows how Jesus is the primary plot of the Bible. However, this version is likely a better choice for a little older child (ages 4-8 and older), as there is significantly more writing on the pages. See sample pages, listen to audio, and view animations on the website: www.jesusstorybookbible.com.

The Church History ABC’s. Of course the church history lover in me salivated over this one, especially when I opened it to find the puritanical Jonathan Edwards portrayed in an Indian headdress with a Hershey bar hanging from his mouth! It’s a great introductory book for young and old, giving one page and letter of the alphabet for each of the 26 church history figures highlighted in the book (i.e. “E is for Edwards”, etc.). Many interesting facts are revealed about the various figures, and more information is offered in the back for those who want to go deeper. If you only know St. Augustine as a city in Florida, John Edwards as former VP candidate, and suppose John Newton is the brilliant mind who turned figs into fruit bars, then pick up this book and learn more about Christian heritage in a fun format.

The Pilgrim’s Progress. This 300-year-old classic work has dropped out of use with modern Christians, but is as ever helpful as any book you can find today. Crossway has published a new edition, with 30 high-quality illustrations spread throughout the 200 pages. The pictures look like many paintings you would expect to see hanging in an art gallery. They are pleasant on the eyes and keep my son’s attention enough to last through 10-15 pages of text, which is quite surprising, since the language of the book is only “lightly edited” from the original. There are long sections of theological discussion, most of which I read word for word, and yet he keeps asking for more. You can read a sample chapter as well.

Try grabbing one of the above books this week, and then set aside just 10 minutes a night to read with your kids. You won’t be disappointed!

One night our son Isaac, age 2½, decided that he wanted to be continually thrown into the air. He would run over to me and say, “Do one more.” In his world this means I should scoop him up and throw him up into the air. After catching him and putting him back on the ground, he would run “flying” around the room.

As we were playing, my wife and I decided that Isaac should recite one Bible verse each time before I would throw him into the air. It was unorthodox, but he engaged and we were able to go through seven or eight verses that he had been working on over the past several weeks.

So have you ever thought about helping your toddler memorize Bible verses? Don’t be afraid to start working with them at a young age. Toddlers are a lot smarter than what we give them credit. They can master their favorite songs, repeat stories from their books, and understand the entirety of the word “No.” Why not help them learn the Word of God?

Memorizing Scripture is an important step to gluing the Word of God to a child’s heart. In the Bible, Israelite parents were instructed to teach the commands of God to their children (Deuteronomy 6:7). The same principle applies to us today.

Like planting a seed in good soil, teaching a child the Word of God at an early age will help prepare a firm rooting with plenty of nutrients for life. It can be done.

My wife and I decided to start teaching our son memory verses around his second birthday. It was difficult at first, but the moment I heard Isaac recite his first full Bible verse made me the proudest dad on the planet.

We started with Romans 12: 9-10. Admittedly, it was a little haphazard at first. Isaac would goof around or act like he wasn’t paying any attention. But finally after a few weeks he remembered the verses in their entirety.

Here are a few tips I learned from our early stages of teaching our toddler to memorize Bible verses. Feel free to try them out for yourself or add your own unique style. The key is just to be intentional and let your toddler take it from there.

1. It takes two.

Technically, a child can learn a Bible verse with the help of only one parent, but it goes so much better when both Mom and Dad are actively engaged in the learning process. Understandingly, Mom may have a more active role because she may have more time with the kids, but this doesn’t excuse Dad from the process.

Be intentional. Your toddler needs to see both parents modeling a discipline of Scripture memory. Both parents don’t need to be present when practicing, but it is helpful to create a memorization plan that the family can work on together.

2. Don’t dumb it down.

The Bible is full of words that are difficult for toddlers to grasp (they are even difficult for adults). After all, it wasn’t written as a children’s fairy tale. The words are rich and teach us what it means to follow Christ. This is not an easy process, but I believe it would be an injustice to our kids to water it down. Remember, they are much smarter than what we realize.

For example, look at Romans 12:9, “Abhor what is evil.” Abhor is a funny word. Maybe it is only funny to me because my wife teases me for how I pronounce it. The meaning of it is also hard. I guarantee abhor was not the first word on your mind this morning. It means “to regard with extreme repugnance or aversion.” A toddler feels that way about taking a nap. Teach your kids the hard words. If you don’t know what it means, take the opportunity to learn for yourself while teaching them. Our families don’t need a watered down Bible, they need the full Truth.

3. Repetition is important.

A major way people learn is by repeating an action over and over and over and over. Repetition doesn’t mean boring, however.

Memorizing Scripture can be done in creative ways. It works better for some families to practice at a specific time every day. Another option is to make note cards of each verse and put them on your table. At every meal you can work on it as a family. Or you could make a memory verse part of the bedtime routine. Kids thrive on structure; why not add a verse in with brushing teeth, goodnight hugs, and prayers? The more we practice, the easier it will become.

4. Repetition is important.

A major way people learn is by repeating an action over and over and over and over … you get the idea. Okay, point made, moving on …

5. Use your arms and legs.

Add motions to the verse you are trying to memorize. Kids love motions and if your child is anything like mine, he is constantly moving anyway. So why not use this to your advantage? Make up silly hand, arm, leg, head, or body motions to help describe what you are learning.

And do the motions with them. Toddlers are copy cats. This is a great way to get the whole family involved as you dance around on the living room floor reciting the verse.

6. Mark it on your wall.

Most kids, and adults for that matter, are visual learners. Finding a creative way to put the verse in an everyday spot is a big help. Here are some creative ideas: Frame a verse and put it on your wall. Or write it in chalk on décor in your house. Write it on the mirror with a dry erase marker. Scripture templates are available online for you to print and display in your house. My wife, Emily, created a subway art canvas of Romans 12 on Shutterfly to hang on our living room wall. This has been a great reminder for our family.

7. Join the fun.

Who said memorizing Bible verses has to be boring? I think kids grow up thinking the Bible is boring because of the attitudes they see from their parents.

The key is making it fun. And it’s not fun unless the whole family is involved. It’s up to us, Dad and Mom, to make the Bible come alive to our children.

I stood beside Karen’s bed as I had many times before. A thunderstorm was coming, and we could see the lightning and hear the thunder as we looked out her window. Our fifth child, 2-year-old Karen, was particularly sensitive to storms.

My wife, Gini, was nursing a baby, and my “knightly” duty was to take care of the other children during the night. That included sitting up with Karen until a storm passed.

This stormy night was no different than many before, but the weariness seemed to be more noticeable as I sat on her bed. I had to leave the house early to begin my day of research and writing demanded by my course of study. There had to be a better way to comfort Karen than sitting with her or lying beside her until the storm was well passed.

Responding with Scripture

“Daddy, I’m scared” is a statement heard by almost every father at one time or another. It can be a simple response to an unusual activity like riding an amusement ride for the first time. It can also be a deep, inner expression of fear. As I have faced these situations as a father, I have tried to respond with Scripture, a truth from the Bible, or a biblical principle. My desire is to help my children learn to trust in God.

One night I decided to use these storms to teach Karen what they told us about God. I told her that God made the lightning; that God made the thunder, and that we could learn about God when the storms came. I started telling her that the storm taught us about how mighty and powerful our God is. He made the storm and the brightness of the lightning showed His power. The loud thunder showed the might our God has. He made the storm, and He controlled the storm.

Psalm 68:33-34 says, “To him who rides in the heavens, the ancient heavens; behold, he sends out his voice, his mighty voice. Ascribe power to God, whose majesty is over Israel, and whose power is in the skies” (ESV). David, the author of the book of Psalms, used creative language and descriptions to teach that God controlled the storm and that His power was seen in them. It was important for Karen to understand that the God we serve and worship controls the very thing that frightened her, and that through the storm, God demonstrates His great power.

I don’t remember how many times I talked to her about these truths, but I did it every time a new storm kept her from going to sleep or wakened her during the night. At last, I simply began to ask her, “What does the storm teach us about God?” For awhile I would provide the answer: “Mighty God, powerful God.” Over and over I did this until one night I asked the question and let Karen answer. She responded with a sense of awe in her voice, “Mighty God, powerful God.”

Weeks went by, and my times with Karen grew shorter and shorter. And I vaguely remember a night when I didn’t even get out of bed. As the storm crashed around us, I called out, “What does the storm teach us about God?” I heard Karen respond from her bedroom, “Mighty God, powerful God.”

What bliss! I rolled over and went back to sleep.

Have you ever noticed how creative some businesses are at communicating their service or product through a catchy name or slogan?

How about the slogan of Johnson’s Flower and Garden Center in Washington D.C.—”Our Business is Blooming!” Our garbage company has one of my favorites—”We guarantee satisfaction or double your garbage back!”

American Way magazine once had a story on others who get their message across in their name—like a car rental agency in New York named “Chariots for Hire;” there’s the “Auto Orphanage” in Sacramento; “Franks for the Memory” a hot dog stand on the West Coast; “The Recovery Room” a Salt Lake City upholstery shop; and “Shampooches”—you guessed it—a dog wash (self service) in where else but California!

Beauty shops seem to be the innovative leaders in this new trend: “The Clip Joint,” “Hair Port,” “Hair It Is,” “The Mane Event,” “The Great Hair After,” “The Gang’s All Hair,” “Take It From the Top,” and my favorite: “We Curl Up and Dye!”

Sometimes the message in these names and slogans can really cause us to stop and think—like the antique store named “The Den of Antiquity” … in Las Vegas.

But one grabbed my attention the other day—a Christian optometrist who called his practice, “Seeing is Believing.” Perhaps I like it because I’m from the “Show Me State” of Missouri. But when I saw that name, my mind raced back eighteen years to when I graduated from junior college.

The doubting Thomas

I was a normal 20-year-old in the midst of the tumultuous days of the late 60’s. I had no purpose. My life was filled to the brim with compromise, mediocrity, doubt, perplexing questions I couldn’t answer, and frequent despair.

Everything that I had touched for the past year had turned to gold—grades, girls, and college athletics. You would have thought I had everything, but I had lost my faith. I guess you would have called me a “backsliding Christian.” I felt I had to see it to believe it. You might even say I was a “20th Century Doubting Thomas.”

Precariously balanced with one foot on the banana peel of doubt and the other foot in the world, I began to honestly seek what God had to say about life and my life.

Throughout my quest one question haunted me: “Must I really have to see it to believe it?”

My slippery spiritual descent was halted in the fall of 1968 through a number of people whom God brought across my path. Through those people, God loved me out of my spiraling unbelief.

One of those people was an evangelist named Tom Skinner. He helped stop my spiritual decline and nudged me upwards toward a true faith in God. May I share with you a quote he gave me?

I spent a long time trying to come to grips with my doubts, when suddenly I realized I had better come to grips with what I believe. I have since moved from the agony of questions that I cannot answer, to the reality of answers that I cannot escape . . . and it’s a great relief.

You see, my life was riddled with questions that I couldn’t answer, like:

Is the Bible really God’s Word?
Why does God allow suffering?
Where did evil come from?
Will the heathen in foreign countries who have never heard about Jesus Christ really go to hell?
Is Jesus Christ really Who He claims to be—God?
What is the purpose to life if Christianity is a hoax?

I was hopelessly entangled by doubts about the Christian faith because of hypocrisy in the church, doubts about Jesus really being God, doubts about all those “errors” and doubts about the reality of heaven and hell. Ultimately, I doubted God’s existence.

Hope is never found in doubt.

Unanswered questions

It was as though I were saying, “Don’t bother me with the truth. I’m having far too much fun being critical and grappling over issues that have confounded the philosophers for centuries.” As someone once said, I was trying to unscrew the inscrutable.

I began to see it was a waste of my life struggling over questions that can’t be answered on this side of heaven’s gate. It began to dawn upon me, “Why spend life questioning every minute detail of the Christian faith when there are so many obvious truths that can’t be ignored.”

So I began to focus on what I knew to be true—like the resurrection. If Christ is still in the tomb then Christianity has little more to offer me than other world religions. But it is an irrefutable fact of history—CHRIST IS RISEN.

And the Bible, what an incredible book, I still have plenty of unanswered questions about it, but those questions are true “feather-weights” compared to the “heavy-weight” truth about this supernatural book. Consider this:

Its 66 different books were written by over 20 different authors, separated by as much as 1600 years, in different cultures and in three different languages. We have more evidence that the Bible we have today is what was written originally than any other historical document of its age.

Science continues to prove (rather than disprove) its historical accuracy. And its central theme remains clear: God loves mankind and wants to redeem men and women to Himself.

Is your love for real? Find out in Bob Lepine's new book, Love Like You Mean It.

It tells us how to live. It gives us hope in the face of death. It contains the best set of blueprints for building a home (a marriage and family) that I’ve ever seen.

Oh yes, there is one last thing that helped me assassinate my doubts: The risen Lord Jesus Christ lives in me. He came to change my life. I found Christianity is not a set of rigid rules and dull dogma, but a relationship with God.

Today, I’m so convinced of Christ’s claims and the validity of the Scriptures that I will make this offer: I will renounce Christianity in total if any person can show me a better system to base my life on. I have challenged hundreds with that offer, yet I have not had one person even suggest an alternative.

There are none.

The answers that I uncovered began to tip my scales toward belief. I began to base my life on what I knew to be true.

The results of belief

For 18 years I’ve attempted to live my life on what I know to be true. So what have been the results, you ask? Here are just a few:

A life that is an adventure—walking with God is electrifying.
A lasting sense of destiny and significance that isn’t man-made or fake.
The privilege of being used by God for eternal purposes.
His Holy Spirit Who empowers me to deny my selfishness and enables me to love people (some whom I don’t even like); and
A sense of peace and well-being and contentment that can only come when I obey Him.

Maybe for a Christian optometrist the phrase, “Seeing is believing” is a good one, but if you wait to believe until you see all your doubts and questions answered, then you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life.

“For we walk by faith and not by sight.” -Apostle Paul

You see …

“I spent a long time trying to come to grips with my doubts, when suddenly I realized I had better come to grips with what I believe. I have since moved from the agony of questions that I cannot answer, to the reality of answers that I cannot escape . . . and it’s a great relief.”

The following in an excerpt from our FamilyLife Today® interviews with Christopher and Angela Yuan.

———-
Dennis Rainey: Together, Christopher and Angela Yuan have really forged quite a team. They travel and speak, both nationally and internationally, at churches, conferences, and youth conventions. Angela is a businesswoman and specializes in Chinese-American cultural causes. Christopher teaches at Moody Bible Institute. Together, they have written a book called Out of a Far Country. It’s subtitled, “A gay son’s journey to God. A broken mother’s search for hope.”

Bob Lepine: Angela, when had you begun to become suspicious about Christopher and his sexuality?

Angela Yuan: Actually, that was back when he was 16 years old. He had some kind of relationship with an older man, and we went to counseling. We thought that was taken care of after a couple of sessions of counseling; but in the back of my mind, I was always afraid that this would come back again. So, when he came back [to visit home after a year in dental school in Louisville] I confronted him.

Dennis: You’d found a pornographic videotape in his bedroom?

Angela: Yes.

Bob: Did you confront him with it?

Angela: Yes, we did. … Then, after I asked him, “Are you still … ?” he said, “Yes, I am gay.” You have to realize, I was not a Christian at that time. The only thing I could do was threaten. I said, “Either you choose homosexuality or you choose your family.” … Christopher just said, “I cannot change. If you cannot accept me, I have to leave.”

Bob: You thought, when you confronted Christopher, he would say, “Okay, I’ll leave all this behind because family is that important to me.”

Angela: Exactly.

Christopher Yuan: You know, for Chinese, we view family to be very, very important; and yet, at that age, I thought: “I’m not Chinese. I’m American! American is about being independent. I don’t need my family.” Besides, this was such a core part of me that, “If you can’t accept me, I have no other choice but to leave.”

Dennis: Had they responded with how Christians ought to respond in a situation like this—out of compassion, out of love, out of concern—do you think it would have made any difference?

Christopher: I think it would have. I think it probably would have surprised me … I was walking away from everything that was important—family. Yet from my perspective, I was just disowned from my parents.

Dennis: Rejected.

Christopher: Rejected. And not at all to justify my actions, but that was my perception.

Bob: Angela, you said that you were not a Christian, growing up. Had you had any spiritual development, at all, growing up?

Angela: Not at all.

Bob: Did you have any concept of God?

Angela: I heard about the word “God,” but I had no concept.

Bob: So, when Christopher said, “I’m leaving,” you responded from tradition and from the values that your family had held, growing up, but not from any spiritual foundation, right?

Angela: … You know, I think I just felt embarrassed—shame … I felt betrayal.

Bob: Christopher, when you got back to Louisville with this newfound liberation—that opened up the door for you to fully engage in the gay lifestyle. Before, you had kind of been tentative; but now, there was nothing holding you back. You started clubbing, and school really became secondary.

Christopher: Well, you know, I wouldn’t have said it like that; but definitely, when I look back, I thought I could have both. … Unfortunately, I also got involved in doing drugs while I was going to dental school. Because I didn’t have a lot of money, I then began to sell drugs. And that—like you said—it just opened the door. Sin always has a way of finding you. You don’t have to go looking for it.

Finally, after some time, the school noticed that my grades were being affected. Also, my attendance had dropped. They had put me on probation. They had actually suspended me. Finally, I was just about three months before receiving my doctorate, and they expelled me.

Dennis: Meanwhile, Angela, you were watching all this spiral down in your son’s life. This had a different impact on you.>

Angela: Yes, because during that time our marriage was broken, also. We were in the process of doing the paperwork for a divorce. I just felt there was no reason for me to continue to live. I decided to end my life.

However, I felt the need to meet with a minister. Again, remember I was not a Christian. I had no religion background. For some reason, I wanted to see a minster. My husband was teaching at Loyola Dental School, and there’s a chaplain. I went to see him. He gave me a book on homosexuality.

I took the book and got on the train. I bought a one-way train ticket to see Christopher for the last time. I wanted to say goodbye to him before I ended it all.

On the train, when I was reading [the book], it helped me to realize God’s unconditional love. That was the Holy Spirit working in my heart. For the first time, I understood the meaning of unconditional love. We are all sinners; but God still loves us, in spite of our sin.

So I could love Christopher, in spite of him living as a gay man. God was changing my life … I was on the train for hours and hours. Then, after I got off the train … I contacted a lady [listed on the back of the book] and she began to disciple me.

I went to see Christopher, too. I was able to say, “I love you.” Before, I didn’t want him. I felt he was rebellious. …

The lady discipled me for five weeks—I rented an extended-stay apartment in Louisville. After I went back home, my husband realized the difference in me. He started going to church with me. We went to a Bible study called Bible Study Fellowship together. Through God’s Word, both of us just began to grow deeper and deeper in the knowledge of God and His Word.

Dennis: Christopher, how did that impact you [when she came to visit you]?

Christopher: Well, she didn’t tell me she was coming. She surprised me at the dental school. I just thought, “What are you doing here?” … But when she said, “I love you,” I knew that there was a difference … I was really taken aback.

Dennis: I think the message is clear to every parent who may have his or her hopes dashed by a prodigal—who doesn’t necessarily follow in their footsteps or follow the teaching that they’ve given them. The route to take is the route of love—the route of compassion. …

And I would say to the listener today, who has tuned in and perhaps heard a portion or all of this story: Regardless of what you’ve done, no matter where you are, no matter what lifestyle you’ve chosen—there is a God who loves you, who gave His Son, Jesus Christ, who died on a cross on behalf of your sins so you could be forgiven. He defeated death and is alive today. Because He’s alive, He can forgive you. He can offer you the free gift of eternal life. It is yours for the taking if you will accept Him, just as Angela did.

Listen to the FamilyLife Today interviews with Christopher and Angela Yuan to learn the rest of the story.

Building a healthy marriage and family isn’t easy. You may be longing for peace in your home, or maybe you’re still experiencing the hurt of unhealthy dynamics growing up. Perhaps that’s what brought you here, looking for answers on how to find healing and pursue the relationships that matter most.

We offer many good resources, but none of them will help you if one fundamental issue isn’t resolved in your life—your relationship with God. You’ll never find the answers you seek without knowing God personally. The good news is, however, that you can know Him.

Learn how to know Him

Have you ever felt like something is missing in your life?

Ashford Sonii shares how going through life felt like wandering in a forest—until one day, Someone offered him a map. That map was the gospel: salvation through faith in Jesus.

Contact us

We would love to talk with you personally about taking the steps to become a Christian. There are several ways to get in touch with us:

Call: 1-800-FL-Today (1-800-358-6329)

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Email: Use our Contact Us page

Write: FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Dr., Orlando, FL 32832.

Dear Mark,
I know that you probably don’t remember me … I used to work at Sears in Little Rock. You were there working on a job when we were remodeling the store. I had just gotten married … You gave me a book from FamilyLife, Moments Together for Couples. At the time you gave the book to me, my life was so far from God …

When I was about 14 years old, I decided I didn’t want to go to church any more, and my parents didn’t make me. Some girlfriends and I met some older boys at the neighborhood swimming pool, and we started drinking and smoking and doing all kinds of worldly things.

I lived at home until I was about 22 years old, when I became involved with a man who was 15 years older than me. My parents didn’t want me dating him. But instead of listening to their advice, I moved in with him. It was an abusive relationship from the beginning, both physically and emotionally.

I was working at Sears, and I would often come in late and in tears because of things my live-in boyfriend had said or done. One of my friends at Sears was Troy. He saw me really upset one time and said, “If you ever need help, I’m here to help you.”

After two years of living this way, I finally realized one night that I needed to leave. My boyfriend and I had argued earlier in the day, and I was alone at home. A woman called for him and when I asked, “Who is this?” she hung up the phone. I thought, He’s in another relationship.

I immediately called Troy and asked if he’d help me move that very night. I also called Mom and Dad, who said that I could come back home.

A terrible discovery

Troy and I hung out as friends for several months. Then we started dating, and after about a year, Troy asked me to marry him.

Soon after our marriage, I was showing my wedding pictures to some women at Sears. We were remodeling the store at the time, and a guy named Mark Ellis was the general contractor. He stopped to look at the pictures, and the very next day he stopped by again to give me a copy of a devotional book, Moments Together for Couples and a brochure about the Weekend to Remember® marriage conference. I remember saying a simple, “Thank you,” and putting the book on a shelf when I got home.

About three months after we were married I made a terrible discovery. I loved Troy and completely trusted him. I thought he would never do anything to hurt me. But I found a card addressed to Troy from a girl, along with some fairly recent pictures and a note saying how much fun she and Troy had had together.

I was devastated. I had put my complete faith in him. He had known about my horrible live-in relationship. I thought, How could he do that to me?

When I confronted Troy, he admitted to having a relationship with the woman but said it happened when we were engaged.

I went to the pastor who married us, and he reminded me that the vows we took said “until death do us part.” Even though I was not a believer at the time, I still took those vows seriously. I also talked with my mom about the situation. She said that I needed to stay with Troy and that we needed to work it out.

So instead of running away and divorcing Troy, I continued to stay with him. It would have been so easy to have packed up and left my husband. It was very hard to stay and deal with what had happened.

Troy and I both knew that our relationship was in trouble and that we needed help. About this time I thought of that book and brochure that Mark had given me. I told Troy that we needed to look at this book if we were going to make our marriage work. We also decided to attend the Weekend to Remember getaway. We were willing to try anything, and the marriage conference seemed like a perfect start.

God changed my life

Although I was excited to go the conference, I was also scared. Big groups of people made me nervous. But I am so glad that we went. I learned how to show Troy respect and realized that marriage was not all about me. I also understood that I had to work on my self-image because I had felt so badly about myself. But most important, I learned that I needed a relationship with God.

I just felt the Lord speaking to me when they prayed at the conference, and I prayed for the Lord to come into my heart and life. I started using drugs and drinking at the age of 14 and stopped “cold turkey” when I got saved at the Weekend to Remember at age 26.

Through God’s grace I was able to forgive Troy for past hurts. As he and I worked through the conference projects, we came to a new understanding of each other. Troy said that he knew he had hurt me and promised never to be unfaithful again.

There have been so many changes in my life since I accepted Christ at the conference. First, my marriage didn’t end in divorce, and I have such a different outlook on life. I’ve gone from hitting rock bottom to feeling great about myself. I now live my life to please the Lord.

Troy and I were very selfish people in our own little world. Today, we attend church regularly and Troy is on the staff of our church. We have been married 12 years and have three beautiful children. We have now been to the Weekend to Remember two more times and have loved it every time! They refreshed our marriage.

I look back on my life and feel so bad that I wasted all that time during my turbulent years. But I share those experiences with others—especially young people and adults who are heading down that same path.

I was telling someone my story not too long ago and said, “I wish I could talk to that guy that gave me that book, but I don’t even know his name any more.” Then I came across his business card, learned he worked now for FamilyLife, and sent him a letter to express my thanks.

I just pray that something I say to others will help them turn their lives around … just as Mark Ellis did with me.

… You know how sometimes, many times actually, you get to plant the seed with someone but never see the fruit. I wanted you to know how you made a huge difference in my life! I would probably still be drinking and going on with my life and would not have answered God’s call to me. … What a blessing and wonderful ministry you and your family are a part of!

In Christ,
Michelle Crow

Without question, one of the most frustrating things about the Christian life is the apparent contradiction between what God reckons us to be and what we, by experience, know ourselves to be. Take the Corinthians, for example. At one point Paul assured them, “You were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:11). Sounds like an open-and-shut case, doesn’t it? Until you read Paul’s second letter to this church, in which he seems to say almost the opposite: “Let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God” (2 Corinthians 7:1).

I expect the Corinthians were somewhat confused. Were they sanctified … or contaminated? Actually, they were both, and so are we. In order to explain that, let me take you on a brief tangent.

God’s kingdom is both “now” and “not yet.” It is present in certain respects and future in others. Our Lord came proclaiming and demonstrating that the kingdom (or rule) of God had intersected human history: “If I drive out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come to you” (Luke 11:20). However, God’s kingdom has not yet come in its fullness. That won’t happen until Jesus returns again in power, when every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that He is Lord. Until then, without denying the present reality of God’s kingdom, we fervently pray, “May your kingdom come” (Matthew 6:10).

In this respect, God’s kingdom closely parallels our individual lives. God, through the wonderful work of justification, has declared us righteous. Our legal standing before Him has changed. That issue has been settled once and for all in the high court of heaven. On this side of heaven, though, our internal transformation is an ongoing project. The process of sanctification keeps me busy as a Christian personally, and also provides me with plenty of work as a pastor.

So do we have victory in Jesus or not? Are we overcomers, or are we overcome? Oscar Cullmann suggests an analogy from World War II which I believe can help us grasp this apparent contradiction.

History records two important days toward the end of World War II: D-Day and VE-Day. D-Day took place June 6, 1944 when the Allied forces landed on the beaches of Normandy, France. This was the turning point in the war; once this landing was successfully completed, Hitler’s fate was sealed. The war was essentially over. Yet total victory in Europe (VE-Day) did not occur until May 7, 1945 when German forces surrendered in Berlin. This eleven-month interval is remembered as one of the bloodiest periods of the war. Pitched battles were fought throughout France, Belgium, and Germany. Although the enemy had been mortally wounded, he did not immediately succumb.

The cross was our D-Day. There the Lord Jesus Christ died to break the chains of sin from His people. On the basis of His death and resurrection, we are justified. Yet the final victory awaits Christ’s return. There is no doubt as to the outcome of things. But we will still find ourselves involved in skirmishes and battles until the Lord appears in glory to vanquish forever the forces of darkness.

This distinction, if kept in mind, can spare us a lot of discouragement. The battle still rages, but the war has been won. An awareness of Christ’s finished work on our behalf is essential for morale as we pursue sanctification. We must study and meditate on the great doctrine of justification until it sinks deeply into our consciousness.

Meditate on 1 John 3:2-3. What impact should our thoughts about the “not yet” have on the “now”?
Are there any areas of your life in which you know you aren’t living up to God’s expectations?
For further study read 1 Peter 5:8-9. Though God’s ultimate triumph is inevitable, we should fight with a healthy respect for our adversary.

Seven reasons to close the gap

Generally speaking, the world has a negative impression of holiness. Many equate it with a glum, cross-carrying existence devoid of joy. It is seen more as a “holier-than-thou” self-righteousness than as the joyful experience it really is. As we close, let’s refute that idea by looking at some of the many benefits and blessings we gain from following Christ. Here are seven fruits of sanctification:

1. God is glorified. When we are holy, we give weight to our claim that God is as real and wonderful as we say He is. Paul tells us the good works of Christians adorn the doctrine of Christ (Titus 2:10 NAS). Even those who deny God are forced to admit His reality when His people walk in His ways.

2. Ongoing fellowship in this life with the Godhead. “If anyone loves me,” said Jesus, “he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him” (John 14:23). It’s a tremendous joy and comfort to have the abiding presence of the Father and the Son through the Holy Spirit. And Jesus indicates that this presence is a loving presence, not indifferent or impersonal. Of course, along with His presence comes His power, which enables us to overcome the obstacles of life.

3. Fellowship with other Christians. If we walk in darkness, we can’t enjoy authentic relationships with other believers. “But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin” (1 John 1:7).

The Lord promises to provide us with companions, fellow travelers on the road of sanctification. For my part, I’ve found that God’s truth combined with the example of God’s people is absolutely necessary for my spiritual growth. And when I’ve walked in His ways I’ve never lacked for either. We need one another in the context of the church in order to succeed. Holiness and Christian community go hand in hand.

4. Assurance of salvation. Though our salvation is not based upon our pursuit of holiness, assurance of salvation is most certainly connected with it. In his second letter, Peter exhorts his readers to make every effort to pile up spiritual virtues, adding goodness to faith and knowledge to goodness until self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love are had in abundant measure (2 Peter 1:5-9). He warns that when these are lacking, a person may forget …

… that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:9-11)

5. Evangelism. As a young man under conviction of sin, I tried my best to find fault with Christians so that I might reject their message and dismiss them as hypocrites. But though they weren’t perfect, I could find no major inconsistencies. The large family who reached out to me with the gospel made more of an impact on me with their lifestyle than with their words. The husband loved his wife, the wife respected her husband, the children obeyed their parents, and they were all joyful. I had never seen anything like it.

It has been said that while the world may not read its Bible, it certainly does read its Christians. God uses holy people to reach others. Not perfect, but holy.

6. Understanding, wisdom, and knowledge. These treasures are laid up for those who seek God wholeheartedly (Proverbs 2:1-11). They are withheld from the scorner, the rebel, and the fool.

7. Seeing God. Scripture tells us, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14). While the full meaning of this passage is shrouded in mystery, Scripture does have much to say about “the beatific vision,” or seeing God. It will occur following our Lord’s return when every enemy has been vanquished and we have been totally sanctified. At that time our vision of God will be continual and intense, without distraction or the self-consciousness caused by sin. Then we shall know even as we are known. Not that our knowledge of God will be complete, for He will be ever revealing more and more of His infinite and wonderful self to us.

“Blessed are the pure in heart,” Jesus said, “for they will see God” (Matthew 5:8). This ongoing illumination of His greatness and goodness is by far the most outstanding wonder to result from a life of holiness.

As you can see, there are plenty of good reasons to close the gap between God’s expectations of us and our own experience. We were made to share in His holiness—not just in heaven, but here on earth. Step by step, we can learn to overcome sin and live in a way that increasingly reflects the glory and character of God.

Adapted from How Can I Change: Victory in the Struggle Against Sin. By C.J. Mahaney and Robin Boisvert. Published by Sovereign Grace Ministries (www.SovereignGraceMinistries.org). Copyright © 1993 by Sovereign Grace Ministries. Used with permission.

Several years ago, we found ourselves very involved in our church. Sue was involved with youth ministry and a listening ministry. Scott was involved in Financial Peace and Upward Basketball. We found ourselves serving in many places, but serving separately.

Building into marriages became a call on our lives in 2011 after attending FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. During the weekend, FamilyLife’s staff challenged us to consider helping other couples with their marriages. As a result, we began a marriage ministry at our local church that has since resulted in serving over 1,400 people through 50 events, retreats, and classes over a five-year period.

FamilyLife’s ministry advisors provided great guidance on getting started. Here are some ways they advised us:

1. Enlist the support of your pastor. Present your vision for the ministry to your pastor and discuss how it will support the overall vision and mission of your church. Pastors are delighted when members step forward in ministry leadership that supports the church’s overall vision and mission. Bring solutions to him, not more work.

2. Recruit a team to work with you. Find at least one other couple to partner with you in ministry. Pray for the couple(s) God will bring. At our church of 450, we were fortunate to partner with five other couples. This helped spread the workload of the ministry.

Share your vision with the couples and ask them to be a part of it. Request a one-year commitment. We also suggest that each couple on the team go through a Prepare/Enrich® assessment. We made it a requirement that our leaders’ Prepare/Enrich minimum assessment result was at least a “conventional couple.”

3. Set a vision and plan for the ministry. A team needs a purpose. A vision statement can be as simple as “We desire to strengthen Christian marriages.” Print it; review it often; share it frequently.

As a team, create a detailed plan for the ministry. For example, you may decide, “We will hold one annual marriage event, provide three marriage classes during Sunday school, and offer one home-based study during the next year.”

4. Evaluate the results along the way. Enlist feedback from participants to identify what they enjoyed and what the impact was on for future involvement.

Being part of a marriage ministry team has strengthened our marriage

It is a great privilege to serve with your spouse. What a blessing to be “as one” in your passion and calling to enrich marriages. Not only will you have the honor of enriching other marriages, your own marriage will be strengthened. We went from having a good marriage to having a great marriage. This is evidenced by a Prepare/Enrich assessment we took before we began a marriage ministry and then two years later. We progressed from a “conventional couple” to a “vitalized couple.”

We are closer and more transparent and committed to one another and to glorifying God in and through our marriage than ever before. It is because of this that it is easy for us to be passionate about helping to bring wholeness and God’s truth to marriages through the many resources and tools so readily available. Serving together has strengthened our marriage beyond anything we could have ever imagined, and it is our desire to share that with as many married couples as possible.

Do you have a passion for building into marriages? Have you prayed about this direction and discussed it with a Christian confidant? Are you and your spouse in agreement? If this is your passion, this may be your beginning. God will bless you as you step forward in faith and obedience, seek His wisdom, and seek counsel from other godly leaders.

For some of us, the strength of our faith is gauged by how close we feel to God at any given moment—by how a sermon made us feel, by how a worship chorus made us feel, by how our quiet time made us feel. Hidden in this thinking is an honest desire to share a deep relationship with a personal God, but sustaining our emotions can be exhausting and defeating.

Changing circumstances can topple our emotional stability in an instant. Our “walk with the Lord” can feel more like a roller-coaster ride of peaks and valleys than a straight path in which valleys and mountains have been made level.

Could this be because we’ve gotten things backwards? By asking our hearts to lead our minds, have we willingly purchased a ticket to the roller-coaster ride? Unless we turn things around, placing the mind in charge of the heart, we could be in for a long, wild ride.

Romans 12:2-3 tells us, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” What Christian doesn’t desperately want life transformation and knowledge of the will of God? In these verses, Paul states unequivocally how we can have them: by the renewing of our minds—not our hearts.

For years I tried to love God with my heart to the neglect of my mind, not recognizing my need to grow in the knowledge of the “I AM.” Any systematic study of the Bible felt mechanical, even a little like an act of faithlessness or an admission that the Holy Spirit’s insight during a quiet time wasn’t enough for me. But I was missing the important truth that the heart cannot love what the mind does not know. This is the message of Romans 12:2-3—not that the mind alone affects transformation, but that the path to transformation runs from the mind to the heart, and not the other way around.

Think about the relationship, possession, or interest you derive the most pleasure from. How did you develop that delight? Whether you are passionate about modern art, your car, conservation, your spouse, nutrition, education, or baseball, my guess is that you became that way by learning about the object of your passion—and that your pleasure in it grew as your knowledge grew.

End of the honeymoon

Marriage may be the most obvious example of this process. Most people get married on very little information. Have you noticed this?

We stake our future on a relatively short acquaintance, in large part due to a rush of emotion that hits us during the courtship phase. We marry, awash with feelings of love for our spouse, but knowing rather little about him in the grand scheme of things.

Those initial feelings of love either dwindle or deepen, depending on how we nurture them. Looking back on 20 years of marriage, I can honestly say that I love my husband exponentially more than I did on our wedding day. Why? Because I have made a study of him, and he of me.

Knowing him has grown my love for him. On our wedding day I suspected he would be a good father, a hard worker, and a faithful sounding board, but 20 years later I know him to be these things. My love for him has grown as my knowledge of him has increased.

Now think about your relationship to God in the same light. Most people come to faith in God on very little information. We understand that we need forgiveness and grace, and we’re ushered into the kingdom on a wave of deep emotion. But we hold only a small sense of the One who has brought us to Himself. We suspect that He is all good things, but we have not yet made a study of Him. Like a new bride, we reach the end of the honeymoon phase and begin to wonder how we are to sustain and nurture this relationship.

The answer lies in knowing God, in loving Him with our minds. Never has the phrase “to know Him is to love Him” been more true. As we grow in the knowledge of God’s character through the study of His Word, we cannot help but grow into an exponentially deeper love for Him. This explains why Romans 12:2 says we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. We come to understand who God is, and we are changed—our affections detach from lesser things and attach to Him. If we want to feel a deeper love for God, we must learn to see Him more clearly for who He is. If we want to feel deeply about God, we must learn to think deeply about God.

Consider another illustration: If I told you that I loved the piano and took great enjoyment in playing it, how could you discover whether my feelings about the piano were real or not? Simple. Just ask me to play for you.

A person who truly loves to play the piano disciplines herself to make a study of it. Through much application of mental discipline, her proficiency at playing—and consequently, her love for playing—grow and flourish.

Informed by the knowledge of God

The heart cannot love what the mind does not know. We must love God with our minds, allowing our intellect to inform our emotions, rather than the other way around.

Seeing ourselves in the Bible and engaging our emotions in loving God are beautiful things. But they belong in the back, a secondary reward for obediently seeking that which is primary. Bible study that equips does not neglect self-knowledge, but it puts self-knowledge in the right place: informed by the knowledge of God. Bible study that equips does not divorce the heart from study, but it puts the heart in the right place: informed by the mind.

Perhaps you have gotten things backward like me. Perhaps you’ve realized the ill-fitting discomfort of Bible study that focuses on who you are and what you should do more than one who God is, or of Bible study that targets your emotions more than your intellect. It’s not too late to turn things around.