Emotionally Destructive Relationship Questionnaire

If you answered any question up through question 26 with anything other than never, you are likely in an unhealthy relationship.

If you answered most questions with sometimes, frequently, or almost always, you are definitely in a destructive and likely an abusive relationship. Now go back and look at which questions in particular you answered with any answer other than never.

Questions 1-16 describe the main characteristics of an abusive relationship where the abuser’s desire for power and control is at the root. If answering this questionnaire has revealed to you that you are in an abusive relationship, please seek appropriate help from those in your church or community who are experts in helping victims of abusive relationships. (You will find information about various resources at the back of the book.) If you answered seldom to any question in this group, you still may be in danger, depending upon the severity of the abuse. Once a year is seldom, but it is still too often in a long-term relationship such as a marriage.

Question 10 looks in particular for patterns of mutual abuse. If you answered this question with frequently or almost always, then your relationship might be more mutually abusive. Review questions 1-16 and ask them about yourself. Are you engaging in the same abusive behaviors that you cite in the other person.

Questions 11-17 reflect less obvious ways in which the relationship may be controlling. That does not mean it is not abusive, but if you answered never to questions 1-9, you may be in a controlling relationship that is not obviously abusive.

Questions 17-20 describe a relationship where deceit is present. If most of your answers reflect problems in this area, your relationship is built on lies and it is unstable. You cannot trust someone who does not tell you the truth. And without trust, no relationship can endure.

Questions 21-23 describe a relationship that is overdependent.

Questions 24-26 describe a person who does not take personal responsibility for behavior or wrongdoing.

Stop here and name some of the specific destructive elements in your relationship with this particular person. Is there physical, verbal, or sexual abuse? How about controlling behaviors and attitudes? Is there more mutual abuse? Are you too dependent? Is there deceit or a lack of personal accountability or responsibility?

Questions 27-31 describe the basic elements of a healthy relationship. If you answered never or seldom to any of these questions, your answers indicate that your relationship is unhealthy and probably destructive.

Taken from: The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. Copyright © 2007 by Leslie Vernick. Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR. Used by permission.