When I first began dating my husband, our differences did not seem very significant. I was attracted to his outgoing personality and self-confidence. He was attracted to my friendliness and spontaneity. We attended the same church and had several mutual friends.
Even our families seemed quite similar. Our moms were full-time homemakers. Our dads were hard-working breadwinners.
Then we began to spend more and more time with each other’s families. I realized we had significant differences when Rich asked me, “Does your grandmother have to kiss me on the lips every time she sees me?”
Thus began the adjustments that come when a Scandinavian boy falls in love with a girl from a Greek family.
It took Rich some time to adjust to the fact that my family is very demonstrative. We hug at the door when you come into the house. We hug when we say good-bye. We hug when we make a new acquaintance.
If you are greeted in the traditional Greek style, you will receive a kiss on each side of your face. And if you are a Greek, you will return the kiss in the same way. It took some explaining to help Rich understand this–that this is what my grandmother was attempting. Finally I convinced him to just hold his face still. Then she wouldn’t get the corner of his mouth like she had been doing.
“Just get used to it,” I told him. “She’s Greek.”
This was quite a contrast to what I experienced when I visited Rich’s family. I was welcomed, but no one reached out to give me a hug. I noticed that their conversations around the table were different from mine. They talked a lot about the latest news story, particularly the political climate and who was up for re-election. I remember how they would go on and on about what they would change about this or that, especially taxes.
Meals around the table at my home were also a bit different. At our gatherings, we put out a huge spread. As everyone ate, the food was passed around constantly and you were often asked, “Would you like some more?”
My mom was notorious for doing this whenever we had company:
“Rich, would you like some more potatoes?”
“No thank you. I still have some on my plate.”
“Rich, would you like some more salad?”
“No thank you. I’m fine.”
And then later. “Would you like some more bread?”
“No thank you, I’m actually pretty full.”
Poor Rich–he got so tired of it that he finally asked me to please tell my mother that if he wanted more food, he would just ask for it … “like we do at my house.” I told her what he said, but it was in her blood. She would do it again and again.
I finally had to tell him, “Just get used to it. She’s Greek.”
Rich’s family always decorated nicely, but they were never pretentious. If they drew attention to themselves, it was by accident–it was never intentional. One day Rich and I were driving through an upscale neighborhood outside of San Francisco. As we were coming around a turn, a house in the distance caught his eye. “Look at that house over there,” he started to say, “the one with the huge columns and that gaudy fountain on the front lawn. I bet some Greek people own that house.”
The home stood out like a sore thumb. Ostentatious. Overdone. Out of place. “Rich,” I said as I realized I had been in this neighborhood before, “I know the lady who lives there.”
What could I say? I told him, “Just get used to it. She’s Greek.”
Over the past 25 years of marriage Rich has learned a thing or two about my family. He would even tell you that his family has loosened up a bit with me around. His dad was never a hugger, but now he hugs people all the time.
Now, when we have people over for dinner, I pass the food around and ask if anyone would like some more. And my husband smiles and says to our guests, “Just get used to it. She’s Greek.”
When I was 13, my 90-year-old grandmother moved into our home. Grandma Burke was from the Old Country and left her family to move to “Visconsin” from Sweden at the age of 15. At the ripe age of 90, she became my roommate. Grandma did not share my affinity for the Beatles or bell-bottoms, and I did not share her affinity for warm prune juice or smacking her gums when she removed her teeth. My life was marked by the mortal fear that she would hightail it off to glory some night, and I would open my eyes in the morning and find myself staring at a corpse.
One morning in the pre-dawn darkness, I lay in my bed with my eyes squeezed shut against the taunting specter of death in the twin bed across the room just inches from my own. In the darkness, I reached for my glasses at their familiar spot on the bedside stand, but to my surprise, I found my hand unexpectedly plunging into a mason jar of icy water. As I panicked, my fingers clamped down, and I quite unexpectedly latched on to Grandma’s teeth and pulled them, dripping, from the mouth of the jar.
Something inside me must have snapped as I hurled Grandma’s dentures across the room with the force of an Olympic shotputter. My screams would have killed a less sturdy 90-year-old, but Grandma Burke was a Swede who had raised 10 children during the Depression on salt pork and lutefisk.
Many of us come to caregiving in a similar fashion, with our eyes clenched shut against the specter of death that hovers just beyond our vision as we grope in the darkness for something, anything, that will help us find our way on our journey. Then comes the moment when our hand plunges into the mason jar, and we realize we’ve grasped something we hadn’t quite expected, something we may have never before had to face at close range. In that moment we may ask ourselves, What have I gotten into? What am I doing here, anyway? In the early days of my caregiving journey, I wasn’t really sure.
My caregiving journey
My husband, Dan, and I were both raised in households where grandparents were part of the family structure. We always believed it would be our responsibility to care for our parents someday, possibly in our home. But we had never expected those responsibilities to begin when our kids were still young enough to enjoy eating Play-Doh—just 4 and 6.
Dan’s father, Norman, came to live with us for the first time in 1983 because of severe malnutrition due to food allergies. His condition was so dire that he had lost his ability to recognize us or to speak. He lived with us for four months while we sought medical treatment and nourished him back to health. Six years after his first recovery he returned, with only 117 pounds clinging to his six-foot-two-inch frame. Once again malnutrition was the cause. This time he lived with us for six months while he regained physical and mental strength and we found an allergist whose treatment allowed him to eat normally for the remainder of his life.
Then in 2000, when Norman’s friends called again and told us of his depression and anxiety, we knew that short-term interventions were no longer an option. Norman would live with us for four-and-a-half years. During that time, he suffered from a number of physical and mental illnesses, including obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, and Parkinson’s disease. He went through periods of care in hospitals and rehab centers, always returning to our home when he was well enough. During those same years, my mother, who lives with my father back in Michigan, slipped into the abyss of Alzheimer’s, and my dad began to manifest strange cardiac and neurological symptoms.
My life became a surreal choreography of medical emergency flights, doctors’ appointments, hospitalizations, and rehabilitations. For years it seemed I was either racing to someone’s side for an emergency room crisis or heading off for my own. By the time Dad Beach had lived with us a few years, most of the doctors I met thought I was a doctor myself. I knew I was certainly willing to sign up for a medical convention somewhere in the Caribbean.
The conflict of expectations and realities
Then in 2004, God suddenly flung open doors that allowed us to move back to Michigan to be near my parents. I found my dream job at a Christian university, but it didn’t take long for reality to slap me in the rear. It seemed like all the doctors we had found had conspired to work out of offices on the opposite side of the city. My parents lived almost an hour from our new home, and I could explode a blood pressure cuff just talking about their medical needs.
Every day I drove to work I could think of five reasons to be at home caring for Norman and 10 more to be in Muskegon caring for Mom and Dad. It seemed that no matter where I was or what I was doing, I felt guilty. My migraines were becoming more frequent and more intense, and I had put my neurologist on speed-dial. There were days I looked at the drippy mess of my life and wanted to fling the problems and frustrations across the room like Grandma’s teeth, crawl back into my bed, and pull up the covers.
Then one afternoon the picture changed. Norman took a fall while Dan was helping him in the bathroom. Before a week had passed, he took another tumble, this time while we were at work. That was the day we knew the inevitable had arrived—we couldn’t keep Norman safe in our home any longer. The Parkinson’s had progressed too far. We grieved a loss the day we moved Norman into the Michigan Home for Veterans, less than 10 miles from our house, where he lived for 11 months before Jesus called him home to really rest.
The day after Norman moved, Dan and I prepared his room for my parents. Soon after that, I quit my job at the university and began freelancing so I could have more flexibility to help share my parents’ care with my brother, Paul, and his wife, Sheryl. Right now in the morning hours, my folks are stirring in the room next to me, and that means that for today, at least, I’m blessed to care for them in my home.
Power in an open hand
Caregiving is difficult—for us, for our families, for our loved ones. It is messy work. We must expect tension and turmoil, but in that tension and turmoil, we can expect redemption, reconciliation, and affirmation. Caregiving is not a means to a promised end, but because the process reflects the character of Christ Himself, we can be assured it will transform us. And if we approach caregiving as a journey into our own souls, asking God to reveal Himself to us, we will be rewarded by an avalanche of grace. Philippians 4:19 promises us that “My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
Caregiving teaches us to see what is precious and valuable in life. It teaches us what it means to live out commitment and honor. It gives us the opportunity to love someone better who we may have struggled to love in the past. It gives us the opportunity to demonstrate that God is sufficient and that He is a God who redeems.
Caregiving is the hardest work we will ever do because it demands that we love as Christ loved, sacrificing our time, our jobs, our commitments, our friendships, and our health, while standing against the tide of culture. We will be asked to lay down expectations of fairness and to expect stress in our family relationships. We will be asked to crawl onto the altar, knowing God’s desire is to hone us and mold us into the character of His Son. We must be willing to search our hearts and focus the light of the Word upon our self-talk, our motives, and our actions. Caregiving is a journey into the character of Christ.
The call to the journey
The quality of our caregiving is not measured by geography—whether it is given in our home, from a distance, or in a nursing home. It is measured by how we reflect the character of Christ. Caregiving will not look the same for every person or every family. It has as many shapes and forms as there are needs. True strength in caregiving lies in the paradox that our weaknesses are made strong through the sufficiency of God.
The call to caregiving is the call to dip your hand in the mason jar—to abandon yourself to spiritual awakening through the power of redeeming grace. It is a call to suffer, to sacrifice, and to serve. It is a call to abandonment and tears, to hardships and difficulties.
It is a glorious call to be conformed to the image of Christ and to join the God of the universe in ministering grace and mercy to one of His image bearers. It is a call to become a splash of magnificent magenta or burst of brilliant orange on God’s eternal canvas.
And what could possibly be more exciting than that?
Most of us have no idea where we were or what we did on September 23, 1966. But for six children in Dayton, Ohio, that date will always be one of the most significant of their lives. It was the day their mom decided they would be a family.
Nine months earlier—just before Christmas in 1965—Marjorie Schulte sat stunned in the living room as her husband announced that he was leaving her for another woman. Three daughters and three sons, ranging in age from 14 to three months, sat with her in the living room and cried.
Marjorie walked shell-shocked through the next few months, watching helplessly as her family slowly unraveled. But something happened in her heart on that September day—her anniversary—when she returned from a meeting with her now ex-husband. She realized that the family would fall apart unless she did something to pull them out of their downward spiral. So she gathered all six kids around her and said, “With or without your dad, we will be a family.”
“Please help me raise these children”
I truly believe some of the biggest heroes in our culture are single parents like Marjorie—parents who struggle to meet their families’ needs and to somehow raise godly and responsible children.
Marjorie made one amazing commitment. She would do whatever it took to provide for her family, but not at the expense of being a mother. She decided that, no matter what, she would be at home when her kids returned from school, and she would be involved in their lives.
She sewed draperies, mowed lawns, nannied other children, and shoveled sidewalks. She delivered newspapers with her kids. She watched every penny, and not only put food on the table but also helped put most of her kids through college.
She would lie in bed at night and cry out to a God she hardly knew at the time, “Please help me raise these children. I can’t do it on my own.” And God answered her prayers. Against all odds, her children are solid, responsible adults today, with families of their own.
“A Tribute to Our Mom”
One of Marjorie’s sons, Jeff, served as my personal assistant for several years and today is a pastor and one of our speakers at Weekend to Remember getaways. I wish you could see his face swell with pride as he talks about his mother.
It was Jeff’s idea in 1989 to put together a special book as a Tribute to their mother. It didn’t take much coaxing to get his five siblings to join in–that’s how proud they were of their mother.
Each wrote their own Tribute, and Jeff had the manuscript bound. It’s a best-selling book—eight copies were made. The cover reads, “We Will Be a Family … September 23, 1966 … A Tribute to Our Mom.” It’s published by “J. Schulte Publishing”—Jean, Jack, Jim, Joanne, Jeff and Judy. I also like the line on the second page: “For more information: Contact any of the authors personally and they will gladly tell you more about their mom.”
All six kids and their families gathered for a family celebration. They sat Marjorie on a couch, showed her the book, and all the kids took turns sitting next to her and reading their passages aloud. I’ve seen the video of these event, and it is so emotional it ought to be rated “K” … for Kleenex!
Following are excerpts from the book, all written to a woman who truly is worthy of honor.
A TRIBUTE TO MARJORIE SCHULTE FROM HER SIX CHILDREN
” … When I smile at you today it’s because I feel our hearts are one.” –Jean
Every morning I can remember hustling down stairs dressed for school always to find you at the kitchen counter packing lunches or completing the task of sorting out the butter and the peanut butter toast while we headed straight for the large pan of cocoa simmering on the stove. Off we would go without a care or worry. We knew where you were and we needed that feeling of home and the love that was always there.
You went to each of our school activities and sporting events, trying to at least get to see each person. You became involved in our school and let us know how important we were as well as the people we were with and the activities we participated in. You not only coached for 25 years but you found time to even be the St. Helen athletic director.
Mom, thank you, not so much for being in the role of my mother, because this was God’s gift to us and I am grateful to Him for that. But thank you for choosing to be my companion and friend on the journey walking through life and death with me and freely and unconditionally loving me. Those have been your gifts to me.
I want you to know that when I smile at you today it’s because I feel our hearts are one. And when I cry it’s because I feel your closeness.
“You have managed to fulfill yet another dream … Something special … done out of love.” –Jack
You are the most complete package of love God could have ever provided to me as an example on this earth of Him. The selflessness of your actions in all areas of your life has been a constant reminder of the attitude Jesus came to show us. Thanks, Mom.
So many wonderful thoughts and memories come to mind when I focus in on what you have been to me. You have always been with me; to comfort, to hug, to hold and be held, to laugh, to cry, to talk to, to care, to share in the joys, to weather the frustrations, to share the wins, to share the losses and to show me that all I had to do was my best and it was enough. You never expected a star, just a son, and I could grow up with that peace of mind.
I’m sitting with you in the living room on the couch staring out of the front window. I’m twelve years old and it’s pretty late at night. I heard commotion downstairs and the front door open and close. We watch Dad’s car pull away from the front of the house. We cry and we hug and I’m praying to God for strength. I love you and I hate so very much for you to hurt. “We’ll make it, ” you tell me, “we have to stick together and we’ll make it.” And I believe you, and trust in what you say because you’re my mom.
You have made this “our family.” We can share our innermost thoughts, dreams and desires within this household. We don’t have any concerns or worries that information passed inside these walls will leak into the outside world. There is peace within our home and a confidence and togetherness few families experience.
“I wanted to scream to the world, ‘This is my mom!'” –Jim
Not a day goes by that I don’t thank God for the privilege of being your son. I thank Him for allowing me to grow up and live in a home which, under normal circumstances, would have weakened and collapsed but which instead strengthened and grew. But, most of all, I thank Him for blessing me with a mom who has given her love and life to her family and, in particular, to me.
Maybe one of my favorite memories describes my feelings best. It was senior night at Wilbur Wright. The announcer called, “Number 42, Jim Schulte, son of Mrs. Marjorie Schulte.” We walked out to mid-court with our arms around each other. Here I was, standing before the crowd with the World’s Greatest Mom and I was her son. I could not believe how fortunate I was. I wanted to scream to the world, “This is my mom!”
I thought I would burst from emotion that night just as I feel now as I write this letter.
I want you to know that I cherish you, honor you and thank God for you every day.
“I beam with love and pride when I tell others of you.” –Joanne
I always felt I had a tough childhood—wearing mostly hand-me-downs, getting teased and called names by my brothers, not being liked by my sister because I liked to play with dolls, never seeming to fit in anywhere, and not having a daddy around to hold me and love. me. I always felt I had to prove myself in some way or another, to measure up; anything I could think of so as not to be overlooked.
But I understand now, as a parent and as a mom, that you can’t do everything, be everywhere and protect everyone at all times. You just do the best you can. And I see now, you did do the best!
I want to go back in time a bit and share with you some of the times I remember.
The time you saved every penny you could so you could take all of us kids to Stop-N-Go for a ten cent Icee. That was the best Icee I ever had.
The time you tried teaching me to throw a softball in the fourth grade (when I decided I wanted to, of course) and I looked really uncoordinated until I asked you if I could try throwing with my left arm. We both knew then that there was hope for me yet.
The slumber parties I’d have down in the basement were always so much fun. Since we didn’t seem to go to sleep, I’m sure you didn’t either with your bedroom right above us.
I have to admit, I really felt special being the first one to give you a granddaughter, Christina Nicole, March 22, 1986 and then Kelly Jo, July 19 1988. I can’t begin to tell you how much I needed you, too. It meant so much to me when you took a week’s vacation to come help me after Kelly was born.
I think of the countless times I tell people about you and how incredible you are—how you managed to raise six children on hardly any money—yet you were willing to stay home and not go out to work so you could always be there for us. You sure sacrificed a lot for us. And I beam with love and pride when I tell others of you, your love, faith and dedication to keeping us a family.
” … You are more than just a great mom—you are a woman to be honored.” –Jeff
The Bible speaks of the importance of parents training their children to live wisely. Wisdom is defined as “skill in everyday living.” You have taught me how to live skillfully. I have especially noticed since I’ve been out on my own, how so much of what I do, I don’t even think about, I just do it – because I saw it done by you.
In addition to teaching me practical things, you gave me a heart. You modeled and entrusted to me a set of values that I look forward to passing on to the next generation. There is no way you could have done much for yourself all those years since most all of your energy was saved for us. I want you to know I benefited from each unselfish decision you made on my behalf.
It couldn’t have been easy much of the time. But you were, and still are, always there for me.
When Dad left home some twenty-three plus years ago, there were so many things you could have done. You could have turned inward–feeling sorry for yourself. You could have become angry—inevitably taking that anger out on us. You could have given up—blaming Dad for all our problems and leaving the “world” to raise us into its mold.
But you didn’t.
I believe God has His hand upon your life. Just look at what He has done in and through you. To God be the glory, our family is a miracle. The Lord told the Apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Paul’s response was, “Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” In verse 10 he continues, ” … when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Mom, because you were weak, God’s grace made you strong.The result: You are one of God’s heroes. I have more respect for you than for anyone I know. I admire you. I esteem you. I love you. And I am deeply grateful to you. I am who I am because of what God has done through you. I live every day with that thought.
I, like my five brother and sisters, am forever indebted to you for the decision you made on September 23, 1966 to “Be a Family.” You made us one, and by God’s grace we will spend eternity as one.
” … As the many tears fell from my face, I knew that you loved me and that I had at least one true friend.” –Judy
I wish at times that you could know my heart because it’s difficult for me to put into words the depth of love I feel or the emotion that wells up inside me when I think of what you mean to me. I get frustrated sometimes trying to express how I feel because I’m not very good with words and the best I can usually do is cry to get it out. But, at least I’m able to get it out.
I have fond memories as a little girl coming downstairs in the middle of the night when I was sick or had a bad dream. You would pull back the covers and tell me to crawl in with you. No matter what the problem was, I usually fell fast asleep. And to this day, you have the most comfortable bed in the house.
Our love and friendship continued to blossom as you helped me make it through high school. When I didn’t think I had a friend in the world, you were there to hold me or give me an encouraging word. And as the many tears fell from my face, I knew that you loved me and that I had a least one true friend. Even though I tried some things to fit in, resulting in disobedience and dishonesty on my part, I believe you knew deep down I was vulnerable and just wanted to be liked and accepted.I’m so thankful I never really became friends with those people because I might not be where I am today.
Mom, thanks for being my friend anyway.
I would consider it a blessing to have as good a relationship with my children as I have with you. I look forward to staying up late with them talking, going to their ball games, being their biggest fan, as you were mine, and holding them close through good times and bad, letting them know I’m there for them and I love them. And, I know I can do those things only because I have experienced a wonderful example of what a mother should be. I am proud and thankful that you are my mom. You’ve been a mother and a friend, and I love you, Mom, very much.
“Bye, Dad. I love you.” “Bye, Kyle. I love you, too.” Little did Rick Taylor know that this normal goodbye to his 5-year-old son, Kyle, would soon become a precious memory. Later that morning, Rick saw their van barreling toward him. In one sweep, his wife, Judy, swung the door open and said, “Kyle’s dead. Eric’s dying. Get in.”
April 7, 1979 was the day “when life was changed forever” for Rick and Judy. Two-year-old Eric had fallen into a pond at the Christian camp where Rick was serving as director, and Kyle drowned trying to save his brother’s life. A high number of married couples end up divorcing in the years following the loss of a child. But in the following interview, adapted from a “FamilyLife Today” radio interview the Taylors tell how they remained committed to the vows they had made to each other.
Rick: I’ve had many dreams over the years that I actually was able to get back there and save Kyle. That’s just the father’s heart, but God’s design was that I couldn’t do that.
Do you wake up from a dream like that feeling like God’s played a dirty trick on you?
Rick: I sure did–for a long time. There was a rage inside of me. It’s one thing to feel; it’s another to understand those feelings. People would say, “Are you angry with God?” and I would say, “Absolutely not.” I was too theologically correct to admit that. But I had those feelings down inside of, “God, why him? Why not me? This just shouldn’t happen to someone who had such a passion for life and God at such a young age.”
What do you mean when you say you were “too theologically correct”?
Rick: It wasn’t proper to be angry at God or to question Him from the background that I had, a theology that kept me from being willing to admit anger. Because if I admitted it, I thought I would not be a mature Christian.
Judy, did you know any of this was going on with Rick?
Judy: Well, all of a sudden, I had a husband who needed to be quiet, and I needed to talk. Each time I tried to talk, he would turn away like I was stabbing him in the back with a knife. I just kept thinking, “How long is this going to go on?” It took about six months for Rick to be willing to talk. I couldn’t help him, and he couldn’t help me. There was nothing left.
At some point you had to wonder if you’d ever make it through this pain.
Judy: That’s true. Sometimes I would go to the park or the cemetery and cry. I had a new baby and two boys who needed a mom, not a cripple. Thank goodness I had some awfully sweet friends who were there for me and gave me some space. That was a great comfort to me.
Eventually, people began to ask, “Are you back to normal yet?” We finally started saying, “What is normal to you?” Because to me normal was getting to raise four children. And then people would say, “Maybe Kyle’s life was saved from something like leukemia or drugs.” And I went, “Or maybe he would have been a great little guy who pleased everybody. Maybe even the President.”
We like to use the illustration of your right arm being cut off and people saying, “Are you back to normal?” You’ll never be normal. You can learn how to live, how to comb your hair and write with your left hand, but you’ll never stop missing your right arm. It was a real part of you, a vital part. You just learn to live a different life, one that honors God also.
Was there ever a moment as you processed the pain that you ever wondered if your marriage was going to make it?
Rick: I can answer that fairly quickly. I never remember entertaining those thoughts. It had to do with the base of our relationship. From the very beginning, I knew this woman that I married and loved very much was committed to me and that she was not married to me for her convenience. We had made a lifetime commitment to this marriage. I knew nothing could separate us. That’s a credit to her.
Judy: Commitment means dedication to making it through the tough times. Knowing that in the end, it will all work out. The scary part is that in the midst of that I got tempted to lose my hope in God. Funny how the very thing I thought I was strongest in was shaken. It was like Satan was saying, “You’re believing in a joke. You’re not going to see this boy again. You’re not going to go to heaven. Heaven isn’t real.”
So, while I am trying to work out this deal with the marriage, I also had to work on myself. I faced a choice-to stand on what I believe or chuck it all. What kind of life am I going to have if I chuck it all? Miserable, full of bitterness. Every day, people who have chosen that road fight God tooth and nail, hating Him and trying to make Him pay. And every day is wasted when you are like that. We are given only so many days on this earth and we get to choose how we live them.
Let’s say there’s a couple who have lost their hope, and possibly even hate God for taking their child. What would you say to them?
Rick: They are like a man fighting against the wind, against a reality that can’t be defeated. Without God there is no hope whatsoever. I would remind them that if God is only real on our terms, is He really God? Is that a wise way to live life, only willing to accept God if He does what I want when I want? The truth is that God is who the Bible says He is-trustworthy and all wise. For whatever reason He took our son, He knows what He’s doing and He has love behind that.
Judy: I have lots of friends who have lost a child. Those who do not have faith usually base all of their talk about their child on their past. They only refer to the good times. I have challenged that by asking, “Do you think you will see your son or daughter again?” They just say no. Life stops without hope.
If you could tell people the greatest lesson you have learned, what would it be?
Judy: We have learned that our lives are a gift. Each day is given to be used for His service.
Adapted from an interview on FamilyLife Today. Learn more about Rick and Judy’s experience in their book When Life Is Changed Forever.
Editor’s Note: On the December 10-11, 2012, FamilyLife Today®broadcasts, host Dennis Rainey suggested the following ways for families to stay spiritually strong in today’s culture.
1. Kneel and surrender to Jesus Christ.
2. Train your family to love others.
3. Become the guardian of marriage.
4. Evaluate what your schedule is all about and where it’s taking you. Slow down and make needed adjustments.
5. Men: Man up and step up.
6. Become proactive, not just reactive.
7. Refuse to allow the media monster to devour your family.
Not long ago, the marriage of some close friends—I’ll call them Daniel and Jessica—suddenly imploded. We did everything we could to stand with them in their crisis to speak hope for their future together. Unfortunately, their marriage didn’t survive.
I’ll never forget a conversation I had with Jessica one day. Through her sobs, she said, “He worked so hard for a year to take us on that amazing vacation to Hawaii. But all I really wanted was for him to put his arm around me at church!”
Huh? Do you think in the midst of all her pain that she was thinking clearly? Actually, I do.
I could fill in lots of other details, but ultimately the pattern is a sadly common one. You may have seen it too. Daniel was a godly, well-intentioned husband who showed his love in several ways, including working long hours to provide for his family and to do nice things for them. You see, for him, providing is love.
Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that what he was working so hard for wasn’t what Jessica most needed—and in some ways was actually robbing her of the closeness she needed the most. (And of course there were ways she didn’t know she was hurting him.) What she needed most, more than all the expensive vacations in the world, were a few simple, specific day-to-day actions.
But as simple as loving gestures in public? you wonder.
Yes! My research on happy couples showed that an extraordinarily high percentage of them were (often without realizing it!) doing a few little specific actions that were making their spouses feel deeply cared for. Jessica, as it turns out, is like nearly all other men and women in her deep rooted desire for these surprisingly meaningful gestures.
Day-to-day actions
Clearly, a few small actions won’t fix deep relationship problems. But for most of us, a handful of simple day-to-day actions increase the likelihood that our spouse feels that we care deeply about them, instead of feeling that we don’t. There’s just enormous power in that!
For nearly every man or woman, the same few small, gender-specific actions not only matter but have a huge impact on a couple’s level of happiness. But these little actions take on even more power when accompanied by those that matter to your spouse individually.
Let’s begin with the few small actions that the surveys indicate matter a lot to almost every man or woman—what we might call the Fantastic Five.
When individuals were asked on the survey if a particular action made them happy, the affirmative response numbers were staggeringly high for five specific actions for each gender, even among the struggling couples. Close to 100 percent of all husbands and wives said these actions mattered, with between 65 and 90 percent of all husbands and wives saying these actions would deeply please them.
In other words, you are very likely to make your spouse feel deeply cared for if you make a habit of doing the same five things consistently.
The Fantastic Five for him
A wife will have a big impact on her husband’s happiness when she does the following:
1. Notices his effort and sincerely thanks him for it. (For example, she says, “Thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside.” Or, “Thanks for playing with the kids, even when you were so tired from work.”) This deeply pleases 72 percent of all men.
2. Says “You did a great job at __________.” This deeply pleases 69 percent of all men.
3. Mentions in front of others something he did well. This deeply pleases 72 percent of all men.
4. Shows that she desires him sexually and that he pleases her sexually. This deeply pleases 85 percent of all men.
5. Makes it clear to him that he makes her happy. (For example, she expresses appreciation for something he did for her with a smile, words, a big hug, etc.) This deeply pleases 88 percent of all men.
On his side, a husband will have a big impact on his wife when he does the following:
1. Takes her hand. (For example, when walking through a parking lot or sitting together at the movies.) This deeply pleases 82 percent of all women.
2. Leaves her a message by voice mail, e-mail, or text during the day to say he loves and is thinking about her. This deeply pleases 75 percent of all women.
3. Puts his arm around her or lays his hand on her knee when they are sitting next to each other in public (at church, at a restaurant with friends, etc.). This deeply pleases 74 percent of all women.
4. Tells her sincerely, “You are beautiful.” This deeply pleases 76 percent of all women.
5. Pulls himself out of a funk when he’s morose, grumpy, or upset about something, instead of withdrawing. (This doesn’t mean he doesn’t get angry or need space; it means he tries to pull himself out of it.) This deeply pleases 72 percent of all women.
Keys that unlock any door
Did you notice that all these happiness-inducing actions are simple, learnable, and doable by any wife or any husband? If you put each of the five biggest little things to work every day, I’m betting your marriage will improve—in some cases, radically.
And here’s more great news: All these small but powerful actions matter regardless of what the person’s love language is. For example, most wives (82 percent) are affected when her husband reaches out and takes her hand, regardless of whether physical touch is her thing.
There’s no looking back for our friends Jessica and Daniel. But I’m so thankful that God is good. He is always at work to redeem our broken hearts—and I know He’ll do it for our friends. Still, a corner of my heart mourns the heartbreak that might have been prevented if they had truly understood the power of doing these best little things.
We all know that small, thoughtful acts are not a magic cure-all for every marriage problem. But having talked to so many who nurtured much happiness with simple but powerful actions, I know all of us can build that all-important foundation that helps us believe that our mate notices and cares.
Because as it turns out, believing that the other person cares is far more important to building a happy marriage than most of us ever realized.
Wondering if these same principles apply to a military marriage? Read one wife’s thoughts on ExcellentOrPraiseworthy.org.
After helping strengthen tens of millions of marriages and families in 109 countries for more than four decades, Dennis Rainey announced to his team of 400 staff members August 2 that David Robbins will succeed him later this year as president and CEO of FamilyLife.
“I have observed that the tendency of ministry founders is to stay in the seat for too long and not make room for fresh leadership,” said Rainey, who cofounded FamilyLife with his wife, Barbara, and several others in 1976.
As early as 2007, Rainey initiated conversations with the FamilyLife board of directors about a leadership transition plan he felt needed to take place by his 70th birthday (in 2018). At FamilyLife’s 40th anniversary celebration in July 2016, Rainey shared with the team a plan to begin a leadership transition, and requested prayer as the board and executive leadership team worked to identify his successor.
“If we want to effectively reach and support the coming generations of marriages and families, we need a leader who is committed to the authority of the Scriptures, and is uniquely connected to and understanding of the issues associated with those generations,” said Rainey. “Barbara and I are fully confident that David and his wife, Meg, embody the commitment, experience, passion, and vision needed to lead FamilyLife into the future.”
Robbins currently serves as a national facilitator for Cru’s Millennials Ministry, which he and Meg launched in 2012. The initiative targeting 20-somethings quickly grew to reach a network of 1,000 millennials in New York and spread nationwide, establishing teams in 15 other cities across the U.S. FamilyLife is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Cru, formerly known as Campus Crusade for Christ.
“In an increasingly secular world, we often observe how marriage and parenting are two areas in which people actually are willing to listen to a biblical perspective and worldview,” said Robbins. He described how his passion for families has driven him and his wife, Meg (pictured above with their children), to provide extensive premarital and marriage counseling to dozens of couples, using FamilyLife resources. “We love connecting people to life-changing relationships, helping people experience Jesus in the deepest crevices of their souls, and holistically integrating faith, work, family, and mission.”
Robbins will begin work as president and CEO at FamilyLife December 1. At least through 2018, Rainey will continue to host the radio program, FamilyLife Today®, which can be heard in all 50 states through more than 1,100 radio stations, reaching an estimated audience of 1.6 million weekly listeners.
In addition, Rainey will mentor new leadership, speak, and write. Barbara will continue in her passion to equip women, wives, and moms to pass on their faith through her Ever Thine Home® blog and resources.
As a 17-year veteran of Cru, Robbins has served in a variety of capacities, including overseas team leader in Pisa, Italy, and national director of Campus Field Ministries, overseeing 175 field staff on 17 locations for campus ministries in Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and Mississippi.
Robbins received his bachelor’s degree in business administration from the University of Mississippi. He and Meg currently live in Manhattan with their four children.
I’ve been a therapist working with stepfamilies for over two decades, and I often can’t get couples to understand one simple truth: Stepfamilies are different from biological families.
Many couples think that their blended family will flow and function like a biological family, only with different people involved. But the interactions among the different stepfamily members is much more complicated. Future stepparents often fail to understand how helpless and frustrating the experience may actually be for most of them, and then they get discouraged when they experience reality.
The good news, however, is that stepfamilies and biological families do share one major similarity: God’s principles for living still apply and still hold promise for a healthy home, no matter how that home came together.
Let’s consider, then, just a few ways that stepfamilies are different and yet the same from biological families.
What is different?
Stepfamilies have outsiders. In a biological family everyone is an “insider,” meaning they have instant belonging and the rights and privileges of being part of the family. This naturally invites cooperation. Children, for example, naturally respect their parents’ authority, and they inherently trust them unless something happens to inhibit that trust.
However, in blended families someone is always an outsider. At first, stepsiblings are outsiders to each other and stepparents are outsiders to children. This makes a stepparent’s authority ambiguous and easily challenged by a child, which affects the process of parenting dramatically. Merging outsiders with insiders is a key task of becoming a healthy stepfamily.
Stress divides. During times of stress, insiders in biological families tend to move toward one another, while outsiders in stepfamilies become more distant. Insiders grant each other forgiveness more quickly and trust the good will of other insiders, but they look at outsiders with suspicion and doubt. This makes overcoming conflict more difficult and bonding between insiders and outsiders more challenging, but not impossible.
Parental roles are unclear. In biological families, the role of parents is clear, and society and the legal system support those roles. Stepparents have an unclear role and line of authority that must be defined and negotiated over time by family members. This is why it’s so important for the biological parent in a stepfamily to back up the stepparent. In so doing, one clear authority elevates the status of the unclear authority.
Born out of loss. A biological family is born out of romance (the dating couple), while a stepfamily is born out of loss. Every stepfamily has a loss narrative just below the surface that impacts and influences every aspect of family life.
For a child whose father died, for example, embracing a stepdad can feel like an act of betrayal or like burying his father all over again. Therefore, sadness impacts bonding. In another example, given his parents’ divorce, a child may view one parent falling in love with someone new as the permanent loss of family reconciliation. This makes welcoming a parent’s new marriage and the new stepfamily difficult.
Relationships are moving in different directions. Family members of biological families are all moving in the same relational direction. That is, what supports one relationship also supports another. For example, when a husband and wife love each other, their biological children feel comfortable and safe at home under the umbrella of that love.
But in stepfamilies, relationships are often moving in two different directions. So when a parent and stepparent love each other or spend time together, the biological children can feel in competition with their stepparent and may feel pushed aside. Thus, the marriage is moving in one direction while the parent-child relationship is moving in another. This naturally pits stepfamily members against each other, all while outsiders are trying to gain membership as insiders.
What’s the same?
While the structure and emotional process of being a stepfamily is very different from a biological family, the application of God’s principles for healthy living are still effective. That part never changes.
Everyone is valuable. Galatians 4:6-7 says, “Because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba! Father!’ So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.”
We are all adopted children of God, and therefore members of a spiritual stepfamily, and yet God has treated us like His very own children, where we can eat at His table and partake of His inheritance. With God as our example, those in a blended family must make one another feel appreciated, valued, and worthwhile. Look for the potential in each member of the family, and draw it out.
We all need mercy and forgiveness. Grace is an essential part of family living, no matter what kind of family you are in. People are going to hurt you, and as Christians, we need to extend the same mercy and forgiveness that we want extended to us.
For example, ex-spouses who have caused hurt need to be forgiven (Colossians 3:12-14)—not just for your sake, but for the sake of the children you have together. Another example is how you must forgive painful words used by stepchildren to show their anger or resentment. You will be living with each other for the rest of your lives, and extending forgiveness will bring healing long into the future.
Respect. While it can be awkward and challenging to do so, children must still choose to respect stepparents (Ephesians 6:1-2). And in strengthening their relationships with children, stepparents can apply patience, gentleness, and self-control to their parenting responses (Galatians 5:22). Respect goes both ways, and a stepchild can more likely respect a stepparent who treats that child like a person with worth, potential, and feelings.
Compassion. Stepfamilies are built on broken foundations, so each person has experienced some kind of grief. Jesus taught us to be compassionate for the hurting. In John 11:35, He wept with those He loved over their lost family member. Stepfamily members should put on compassion for the sadness each person carries.
Love and kindness. Finally, to help overcome their differences, stepfamilies should strive for the virtues of kindness and love, which binds all good things together (Colossians 3:14). All of us as Christians are in the same family, and Jesus tells us that we should love one another: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-39).
Sometimes loving your stepfamily means overlooking petty comments, keeping your mouth closed when you want to speak, or doing something kind for others even when they don’t appreciate it. And you’ll be amazed at what will result in the future from these seeds of love.
What matters most
Clearly, some things in stepfamilies are different. But what matters most is the same in all families. With all the differences, there will be a lot of hard work. It isn’t easy to love those who despise you or overlook grievances. But when you look deep into the heart of the members of your stepfamily, you can find compassion for the commonalities that you do have.
When things are just too hard to handle on your own, remember that you’re not alone. You have the Holy Spirit to guide you. Get out the Bible and get on your knees, and have faith that the good works you do in the early years of your stepfamily life will pay off with great dividends in the end.
I spoke recently with a husband who had been separated from his wife a year earlier. Although both the man and his wife were angry and bitter toward each other, they attended a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway to see if they could find any help for their struggling marriage.
The getaway had a profound spiritual impact on both of them. They began to understand the issues that had pushed them toward isolation, and they heard the practical steps taught in Scripture that could lead them back toward intimacy. For this husband, one of those steps involved a daily time of prayer and study with his wife.
By the time I met this husband, it was nearly a year since he had initiated that regular activity with his wife. “Since the getaway,” he told me, “we have started each day with a devotional time together. We read a passage of Scripture and we pray together. That one simple step has had a profound impact on our marriage.”
This was a husband who took a courageous step to lead his family. And it paid off.
Servant vs. leader
Much has been written in our day about the paradox of servant-leadership. When two of the disciples asked for positions of prestige in the coming kingdom, Jesus explained a different plan in Matthew 20:25-28:
…You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It is not so among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
As pastor and author Robert Lewis points out in his book Rocking the Roles, the husband’s responsibility to be “head” of his wife does not give him the right to be a selfish, “lording” leader. Nor does it allow him the option of shirking his responsibility by becoming a “passive” leader. The divine design is for a husband to follow the road of loving leadership in his marriage.
Because many men have abused their authority as husbands and as leaders, we have tended to emphasize his role as a servant. Slowly, men are shaking off the passive detachment that has defined a generation of husbands. Men are beginning to assume their biblical responsibility to serve their wives, demonstrating their service through sacrificial action.
But in the process of emphasizing service, we may have oversold our case. Unless that sacrificial love is expressed by bold, biblically-ordered husbands who assume both leadership and responsibility for their homes, we will have simply traded one grievous error for another less obvious one.
As counter-cultural as this will sound, God has designed marriage so that a woman is to be under the authority of her husband. It’s not because she is inferior to her husband in her decision-making abilities. She is gifted by God in very special ways as a woman. She has been created with equal value and equal worth.
We’re not talking about ability or about value. We’re talking about function. God’s design is that a wife should look to her husband for leadership and direction for her life. She should want him to lead her, and should be ready to submit to his leadership as unto Christ.
Three steps to leadership
For the sake of our wives, we must once again assume our role as leaders who execute leadership with humble hearts and loving service for our wives. Here are some practical steps a husband can take as he seeks to take on the mantle of a servant-leader:
1. Start leading! As husband and wife, it’s time for the two of you to sit down and begin discussing areas in your marriage where you need to start showing some leadership. Ask your wife to point out where you can be leading her and your family. It may be something as simple as initiating daily prayer with your wife. It may involve setting up a savings account to plan for future needs, and then making regular deposits.
Examine the major areas of your family and your life—your faith, your marriage, your family, your job, your relationships with friends, your service to the community, your physical health and well-being, your stewardship over the resources God has given you, and your recreational time—and decide where you need to take some initiative and begin leading.
2. Learn to judge in righteousness. If your leadership in the home is characterized by righteousness and by the fear of God, it will be like a beautiful spring morning to all who live in your home. That makes it incumbent on you as a husband to be a disciplined student of God’s Word, so that you might exercise your authority in wisdom. To the extent that you lean on your own wisdom and understanding as the source of your authority, you will be abusing your role.
Again, it’s no wonder why our culture has given up on the concept of men leading in their homes. Not only have men used their authority for selfish gain, but we have also failed to lead in seeking the wisdom and counsel of God. It’s easy to understand why women have judged our leadership at home as a failure and have looked for a way to reinterpret the command of Scripture.
3. Do some strategic planning. Most successful business executives develop a strategic plan, mapping out where the company is headed over the next five to 10 years. Yet many of those same businessmen are clueless when it’s time to think strategically about the spiritual, emotional, physical, and social needs of their wives. Ask these men about their five-year plan for their marriages, and you’re likely to get a “deer-in-the-headlights” look.
During a FamilyLife Today® radio interview,author Dan Allender described how he wrote a short-term mission statement for his wife. When he began explaining the idea, I thought it sounded presumptuous. But as Dan talked about encouraging and exhorting his wife to become all God wants her to be as a woman, as a wife, and as a mother, it was clear he was not being presumptuous. He was being the kind of leader his wife ultimately wants and needs him to be.
Gentlemen, it’s up to us. God has put us in charge. Have we prayerfully sought to map out a plan for the next five years of our marriage? It’s time to look ahead and make some plans.
As husbands, we have been assigned the task of leading our wives on our pilgrimage through earth to heaven. We serve them not when we do everything they ask us to do, but when we understand and cooperate with the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in their lives. We never see our role as an opportunity for privilege, but as a divine responsibility to lead our wives as they grow in grace.
Listen to classic content on a husband’s role in marriage from the FamilyLife Today® vault with featured guest experts over the last 25 years.
Learn more about building a biblical marriage by attending one of our Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. It’s one of the best investments you could make in your relationship.
Like most fortysomething, red-blooded, Christian husbands, Ron figured out that having a child or two dramatically changes a marriage. His wife didn’t regain her youthful figure or match his desire for sexual intimacy. Routines developed. So Ron recalibrated his expectations in order to enjoy a predictable, comfortable, suburban life.
Then Ron’s wife developed an unidentified illness that caused great fatigue, loss of strength, and a more severely reduced libido. Suddenly, Ron’s predictable—albeit lowered—expectations of life took a further turn south.
But Ron was determined to love his wife. After all, that’s what Christian husbands do. Just as Christ had died for the church, Ron knew that he ought to die to himself. So he tried.
After a year of loving out of obligation, Ron’s passion for God and for his marriage began to diminish. He felt more energized away from home. His relationship with his wife teetered between the slim hope of change and the bitterness of busted expectations.
What gives Ron the motivation to love his bride when there’s virtually no hope of his “needs” being met in the foreseeable future? He listens to the pastor at the men’s event cry out, “Man up! Stop your whining! Love like Christ!” But he feels more guilt than hope. She may never be the companion she once was. She may never fire up her passion in the bedroom again. She may never match his zest for life.
So Ron digs deep. He hunts for help. Maybe he downloads a book on marriage. Perhaps he decides to go to a conference. If he’s lucky, he won’t run into a speaker like me.
A swift kick right where it hurts
Guilt drives many guys to marriage counseling or conferences. I see countless Rons in the audience whenever I speak at a marriage conference. From the podium, I see wives sitting with elbows cocked, ready to fire a volley into their husband’s gut if he needs to write down a tip. Some of the men have come willingly; others with a gun to their backs. Some have come looking for a spark to rekindle the flame or for shortcuts to restore intimacy. Others have come knowing it’s a last resort.
Almost all leave with a wheelbarrow full of “to-dos”—listen more, communicate more, initiate date nights, write surprise e-mails, become bilingual in their wife’s love language, do more, be more, feel more, pray more, cuddle more. Most men sit in these sessions slumped under the burden of past guilt and future obligation.
As a conference speaker and counselor, I’m a firm believer in getting help for marriages in trouble. But I changed my focus after a guy like Ron approached me at a conference following a split session in which I talked with the husbands while my wife, Jen, talked with the wives. He smiled as he shook my hand and gave me a cartoon. On one panel, it showed the women coming out of their session smiling, laughing, and loving the opportunity for girl talk. The second panel showed the men walking out of their session in pain, bent over, covering their groin area.
I realized that, for the past hour, I had heaped on even more guilt. Though I had used Paul’s playbook from Ephesians 5, with every point clearly drawn from Scripture, the effect on my audience had been like a knee to the groin. I realized I was telling men to sacrifice themselves for their wives like Jesus died for the church, without telling them why Jesus sacrificed Himself.
As husbands, we need to see our role in marriage as a high calling. We need something to carry us past our obligation, past our responsibility, to a vision of glory that takes our eyes off of our fears and selfish desires. Just as soldiers don’t dive on grenades because they ought to, and athletes don’t come off the bench in excruciating pain because it’s the right thing to do, husbands can’t be expected to sacrifice themselves out of a sense of duty. We need a higher purpose.
Higher purpose: To beautify the bride
I remember talking with an older couple about the secret to maintaining intimacy after 40 years of marriage and four kids. The wife, Sally, who was in her mid-60s at the time, piped up immediately: “Don still thinks I’m beautiful, even though I know what I look like in the mirror.” Her husband had learned the secret of reflecting his wife’s beauty back to her so she could see it—and, more importantly, so she could feel it.
Men love shiny gadgets. We crave the latest and greatest. So when the shine wears off a man’s bride, it’s no wonder he silently pines for an upgrade. If he doesn’t actively pursue the latest model, he secretly hopes his wife will change. He may even offer some not-so-subtle hints:
“Did you work out today?”
“Are you really going to eat that entire hot fudge sundae?”
“Remember when you wore a bikini?”
A man loves a beautiful bride. Jesus loves to beautify His bride. Catch the difference? Most husbands simply love what is—what they can see. Jesus loves what could be, and He draws forth His bride’s inner beauty.
Whenever you see the word sanctify in Scripture, it means to “set apart” or “make holy.” In theological terms, when God “sanctifies” believers, He makes us blameless and holy. It’s a lifelong transformation based on God’s vow to His people, not based on His people’s performance (see Exodus 31:13; Philippians 1:6). Jesus pledges a transforming love that sets His bride apart and makes her beautiful.
When a man loves based on performance, he will expect his wife to stay or become beautiful. When a man loves like Jesus, he will beautify his wife as time passes, regardless of her physical body’s natural decline.
In Scripture, God’s bride blossoms after the wedding day and becomes more beautiful and splendid over time, not because she “worked out” or “aged gracefully,” but because God loved her into radiance. If a man views the wedding day as the height of his bride’s beauty, then he will never love like Jesus. He’ll constantly be comparing what was rather than anticipating his role in what it could be. For Jesus, the wedding day was simply the start of a lifelong extreme makeover designed to advance His bride to royalty.
Learn more about building a biblical marriage by attending one of our Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. It’s one of the best investments you could make in your relationship.
As the world grows more complex with each new generation, it’s no surprise that parents today feel parenting is more difficult than ever. Nearly eight of 10 parents in a recent Barna survey felt it’s harder for them to raise children than it was for their parents to raise them.
And when asked why, parents didn’t say it was because the world is more dangerous or more immoral. The main difficulty, they said, was dealing with technology and social media.
“Parents feel out of control, hopelessly overmatched by the deluge of devices,” says Andy Crouch, former editor of Christianity Today and author of The Tech-Wise Family.
Crouch points out that it’s not just that parents are behind the curve when it comes to monitoring their children’s digital use to make sure they’re safe. Many also fail to watch their own tech use to make sure their family is not sacrificed on the altar of business and entertainment. Either we’re taking our technology home with us to keep up with our work demands or we’re trying to decompress from the day with Netflix or other amusements. “If we don’t learn to put technology, in all its forms, in its proper place, we will miss out on many of the best parts of life in a family,” he writes.
The digital deluge was just one of six tech trends that emerged from the Barna study that seem to be changing the American home today. Here’s their list:
“Monitoring technology makes parenting even more difficult.” The landscape is constantly changing, and smart devices and apps have changed the way we interact with each other and our children.
“Life truly happens in the living room.” It’s always been the room where family most often comes together, but the proliferation of technology has changed the way connection happens within families.
“Now I lay me down to sleep … with my smartphone.” Seven in 10 parents keep their phones next to them while they sleep, and a greater number of their kids do. That means there’s little time when technology isn’t demanding our attention.
“Parents might limit kids’ devise usage—but don’t eliminate it.” Television used to demand kids’ free time, but now they’re spending an average of five hours a day in front of other screens. Parents report that nine of 10 teens and nearly half of pre-teens have smartphones.
“Video games and family time dominate after-school hours.” Other than doing homework and engaging with other family members, the majority of kids spend their after-school hours watching TV shows or movies or connecting with friends via their mobile devices.
“Parents say tech disrupts the dinner table.” About a third of parents report that they never allow electronics at the table, but more than four in 10 say that devices are a disruption at family meals.
We’d like to hear from you. We’re putting together additional content to help parents with these issues. Are you being eaten alive by the tech monster in your home? Have you found some ways to balance the blessing and the burdens of technology for your family? Tell us about your experience.
At our house, we have experienced plenty of failures, both great and small. For years, a meal without a spill was nothing short of miraculous. The milk may have gone shooting across the supper table or formed a lazy river that cascaded over the edge, splattering onto the floor. We’ve seen some classic spills: two simultaneously, four at one sitting, and one glass of chilled apple juice that spilled perfectly into Dennis’s shoe (while he was wearing it). Our favorite phrase for the children became, “It’s okay. Everybody makes mistakes.”
One evening, I (Dennis) spilled my drink during dinner. A little hand patted my arm, and Rebecca (then a 5-year-old) reassuringly said, “It’s okay, Dad. Everybody makes mistakes.”
It’s comforting to know that we are not alone in our failures. Others, too, have needed and claimed God’s forgiveness when they failed. King David failed through his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband. Peter failed by denying Christ. Thomas doubted. Saul (Paul) assisted in the murder of Stephen.
Yet none of these lives represented total failure. Each of these men sought forgiveness. They didn’t give up. They kept on. They left a track record of faithfulness in spite of personal foul-ups.
Removing pressure
What is the solution for the fear of failure? How do you encourage a partner whose feelings of failure are triggered by the most insignificant of circumstances? We have found that one of the most powerful principles in building one another’s self-esteem is: Give your spouse the freedom to fail.
When you give your spouse the freedom to fail, you begin to remove the pressure to perform for acceptance. You free your mate to take risks and try again. You free him to excel. Failure then becomes a tutor, not a judge. In the presence of freedom, we learn from failures instead of being intimidated by them. In the absence of condemnation, confidence in how God can use you mounts.
If you would like to give your spouse the freedom to fail, we recommend six gifts you can give that will begin to release him or her. Keep in mind that you, too, will possibly fail by taking back some of these gifts. That’s okay. Failure is a part of learning for both of you.
1. The gift of compassion. Every person’s life has a context.
During his childhood, your mate may not have experienced a relationship in which he had freedom to fail. Perhaps his “failures” taught him to expect rejection, disapproval, and anger from those in authority. He may have learned to feel that rejection is the natural consequence of failure.
Parents, coaches, teachers, peers, girlfriends, siblings, and other significant people gave him a personal heritage of either success or failure. The more fully you grasp the context of your mate’s journey to adulthood and express compassion for where your mate has been, the more freedom your mate will feel to admit failures to you.
Whatever his background, your spouse needs your compassionate, consistent, and tireless belief in him. Talk about the context of his life and together gain understanding of past mistakes as well as present ones. Don’t leave your spouse alone to deal with his failures. Tell him that you are unlike those who have rejected him; your commitment is unwavering and your love is consistent, despite his imperfections. In this climate of compassion and patience, he will begin to feel free to take risks and to fail without fear of rejection.
2. The gift of continual affirmation.
Years ago, I (Barbara) drove to the grocery store and accidentally backed our van into a couple’s newly painted Camaro, denting it slightly. I felt so foolish, and my apologies didn’t make the dent go away. Understandably, the car’s owners were not happy and insisted on calling the county sheriff’s office.
I called Dennis, and as I waited for him to arrive, I wondered what he would think and say. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be upset with me, but I speculated for a while.
When he joined me at the store, he assured me that everything would be fine—that in the end it didn’t really matter. We both knew I had made a mistake, and it would have accomplished nothing for him to drive home a moral lesson or give me some driving tips. I needed to experience his approval, and I needed to know he wasn’t angry with me.
Henry Ward Beecher wrote, “Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation.” One of our favorite verses, 1 Peter 4:8, says it best: “Love covers a multitude of sins.” Continuous, ongoing, unbroken approval in the face of many mistakes and failures of life will build your mate’s self-esteem.
3. The gift of perspective.
Jesus said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” As partners in the pilgrimage of life, we are responsible to speak the truth to one another in order to help balance our perspective of failure.
Understanding the truth of God’s sovereign rule—that He is in control—brings an eternal view to your mate’s mistakes. The promise of Romans 8:28—”God causes all things to work together for good”— beautifully illustrates His absolute supremacy. These words offer comfort, reminding us that nothing is wasted in His economy. God can use even our mistakes and failures. Encourage your mate to believe God and, as a couple, ask Him to use your failures for good.
Most people don’t realize they can fail and not be a failure. They have not learned to separate their worth as persons from their performance. Many find it difficult to have their ideas, work, or accomplishments criticized. They feel that others are criticizing and rejecting who they are, not just what they have done.
A teacher told one mother that her son was not a good student. “He can’t learn,” said the teacher. “He’ll never amount to much.” But the mother chose to believe in her son rather than listening to the voice of this “authority.” As a result, that young man grew up in a home of loving acceptance, secure in the knowledge that he was a person of value.
In spite of all this, he continued to fail. In fact, he failed 10,000 times on one project before he, Thomas Alva Edison, perfected the electric light bulb. His close association with failure caused Edison to comment, “I failed my way to success.” His mother’s belief in him was the fuel for his inventive spirit.
How can you help your spouse learn to fail without feeling like a failure? Try not to discuss a problem in your marriage or family with accusing words such as, “You never…” or, “Your ideas are always…” Those kinds of extreme statements verbally link your mate with her performance, insinuating that she is a failure. Instead, use your words with discernment to help her see the distinction between her person-hood and her performance.
When you discuss issues with your spouse, begin by expressing your commitment and loyalty to her as a person. Then give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Remove the accusing edge by saying, “I may be wrong, but did you …” or “I feel that …” or “It would help me a lot if you would … (fill the car with gas, balance the checkbook, pick up your socks, etc.).”
Tell her the truth: She is loved by you, esteemed and valued by God, gifted, and yet limited. Call to mind her past accomplishments. Most importantly, help your spouse separate herself from her failures. Focus on her as a person, too, not just on her performance. When your spouse knows how to handle failure without being a failure, she truly has the freedom to fail.
5. The gift of encouraging decisive living.
Many times in life, we fail not because we make the wrong decision but because we make no decision at all. Seeking safety and security, we escape to the seemingly trouble-free world of procrastination and indecision. Never venturing out of our protective covering of indecision, we avoid risking a wrong decision that might end in failure. We decide not to decide.
You can strengthen your spouse by helping him understand that a risk-free life is also a potentially boring and selfish life. By eliminating risk, we eliminate many pleasures, too. Security and safety are not found in hiding from reality and responsibility. In fact, the opposite is true. Failure ultimately looms on the horizon for the person who avoids the decision-making process. He is riding a fence with both feet firmly planted in midair—there is little stability.
If your spouse tends to be overly dependent upon you in decision making, gently begin to send a few more decisions his way. Sometimes verbalizing, “You decide; I trust you, and I’ll back you in whatever you decide” can be very freeing. In this way, he learns that he can make good decisions. Your mate’s good decisions spawn self-confidence and increased trust in his decision-making abilities.
6. The gift of forgiveness.
The effects of failure can be disarmed through the miracle of forgiveness. Pure and free, forgiveness gives us something we often don’t deserve. This is how God relates to us as His children. He gives us love when we deserve punishment. Forgiveness says, “I choose to accept you fully, just as you are, and I will neither reject you nor remind you of your failures.”
Forgive your spouse when his error has affected you. Urge him to receive God’s forgiveness and to forgive himself, if necessary. The act of forgiveness opens the door to healing.
The apostle Paul has some good advice in Ephesians 4:32: “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” He also writes, “Bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you” (Colossians 3:13).
Whatever the situation, mistakes carry a price tag. The price can be extra work, suffering, financial expense—or all three. Perhaps your mate’s failure caused you to be late, which you hate. Maybe his failure cost him a bonus, which you were counting on to buy a new loveseat. Because of your partnership in marriage, your mate’s mistakes and failures will affect you to some degree. When you forgive your mate’s failures, you give up your right to punish. Forgiveness is an act of the will—a deliberate choice that means you will not retaliate when you feel the other person has wronged you. True forgiveness doesn’t throw your mate’s failures up to him or use them to hurt him.
The gift of forgiveness is not just in giving forgiveness, but in asking for it when you’re wrong. Whether you’re 90 percent in the wrong or only 10 percent, asking for forgiveness takes the logs out of the fire. Verbalize it. Be specific. And don’t fudge. Some people try to weasel out of their responsibility so they won’t have to admit they were wrong. But in doing so, they miss the benefits of forgiveness.
Forgiveness stands with the open arms of a loving relationship ready to embrace. It is illogical for your spouse to resist such an aggressive love. By removing the fear of rejection, you give your spouse renewed hope to keep trying without fear of failure.
Learn more about building a biblical marriage by attending one of our Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. It’s one of the best investments you could make in your relationship.
Blended family living can create a unique barrier that often keeps couples from staying close to one another. This barrier grows with the concerns, frustrations, and struggles that are all too common in remarriage. I call it “third party thorns.”
These prickly, blended family realities include things such as tenuous stepparent-stepchild relationships, an antagonizing ex-spouse, leftover debt that preceded the marriage, the memory of a wonderful marriage that ended in death, and even an ex-mother-in-law. But despite these thorns, healthy couples find a way to stay close.
For example, let’s look at Matt and Sherry. Matt has a very high need for closeness. His father and mother divorced when he was very young, so he grew up without a great deal of family stability. He mainly lived with his mother and blamed himself for his father not being around much. His grandfather served as a surrogate father for a few years, but then died an untimely death when Matt was just 10 years old. Because closeness in his childhood family relationships was not something he experienced, he longs for it in his marriage.
Matt’s wife, Sherry, grew up in a hard-working middle-class family. While they loved one another deeply, the demands of earning a living kept parents and children going in multiple directions. As a result, Sherry learned quickly how to remain emotionally and financially independent from loved ones. She prided herself on working her way through technical school after having a child in high school.
A later marriage added another child, but the marriage didn’t last. Sherry found herself divorced and the single parent of two. This series of fragmented romantic relationships fueled her emotional independence as a parent and woman.
When Matt and Sherry met, they quickly became romantically and sexually involved. Matt was enthralled with the amount of attention he received from Sherry. She seemed to be a dedicated mom, but went out of her way to make time for him.
Sherry saw in Matt the kind of stability she wanted her children to experience so she pursued him with passion. Her physical and sexual availability and his need for closeness quickly fused their emotional connection, but substance was lacking. They were fooled into thinking sexual passion equaled a healthy future.
After a rushed courtship and wedding, things changed considerably. Sherry didn’t feel the need to pursue Matt as much as she did before and he felt it. The significant drop in time together produced a great deal of anxiety in Matt. He complained to a friend, “Now that we’re married, Sherry is much more worried about being a mom than she is a wife. I feel like I’ve lost her.”
Neither Matt nor Sherry carries all the blame for their increasing distance. Yet each is responsible to fight through the thorns and stay close.
Trust and have confidence in one another; they feel secure as a couple.
Include one another in important decisions.
Have a mutual respect for one another.
Have many similar likes and interests.
Are committed to spending time together on a regular basis and intentionally plan ways to be together.
Feel the freedom to ask each other for help.
Choose to be loyal to one another.
Balance time with family and friends so as to not take away from their relationship.
The largest study conducted on the strengths of healthy blended family couples reveals that strong couples feel close to one another because they know what to do to make that happen. In The Remarriage Checkup: Tools to Help Your Marriage Last a Lifetime, Dr. David Olson and I reported that 94 percent of happy couples have hobbies and interests that bring them together. They find it easy to think of things to do as a couple (compared to 62 percent or less of discouraged couples). In addition, a full 94 percent said togetherness was a top priority for them, revealing strong couples’ intentional effort to invest in their relationship. Doing things that facilitate closeness certainly contributes to feeling close.
Every healthy relationship has a balance of time spent together and time apart. Healthy couples have both a desire to be together and a respect for the individual interests, pursuits, and freedoms of their spouse. In strong relationships, individuals place emphasis on the “self” as well as the “we.” And there’s something else.
Healthy blended family couples also strive for an appropriate amount of sharing, loyalty, intimacy, and independence within the larger family dynamic. This dance of intimacy is not easily achieved in blended families and demands attention and good communication since couples are continually pulled apart by stressful thorns.
Patience and persistence
Matt and Sherry found balance and a loving heart by doing a number of things. First, both had to calm their fears. Matt had to remember that it was good and right for Sherry to spend focused time with her children and that he really wasn’t in competition with them. Sherry had to recognize that maintaining her independence and emotional distance from Matt was in part an attempt to protect herself from depending on someone she couldn’t guarantee would always be there for her. If she was ever to move closer to him, Sherry had to risk trusting Matt.
Second, both Matt and Sherry became more intentional in carving out time to be together to enjoy a leisurely activity. For them, playing golf on occasion helped them to laugh and connect. But, of course, saying “yes” to golf meant saying “no” to other activities and time with children so they communicated often about finding the appropriate balance.
With patience and persistence, Matt and Sherry removed their thorns and stayed close.
TAKING ACTION
If you’re ministering to stepfamilies:
It’s important to help both married and dating couples stay close, in spite of blended family thorns. Begin with biblically based materials to assist them in understanding their family dynamics and challenges.
Can you think of the last time that you did something particularly romantic for your spouse?
Really? Has it been that long?
Here’s the thing about romance: When you have “that feeling”—like when you were dating or engaged, or during a particularly romantic night or weekend as a married couple—you find yourself thinking, I sure would like to have that feeling again.
And when it doesn’t happen, you start thinking, What’s wrong?
Romance isn’t something you bring out on special occasions. Instead, it’s one way you express your care and love for each other. And it ought to be a part of the very fabric of your married life.
On occasion when I’m talking to couples about romance in their marriage, a husband or wife will say to me, “I think we’ve just lost it. The feeling I used to feel? It’s gone.
“And besides, my spouse doesn’t do anything romantic for me…”
Well, if you really want that feeling again, you may need to be the one to take the first step. Break the stalemate.
Here are a few ideas for how you might begin. I developed this list after asking some friends to share their advice for romance for the romantically challenged.
This list is not comprehensive, and I realize we are all in different places when it comes to romance. But trying a few of these practical tips might just add some sparks to your marriage and your life:
1. Remember what you did when you first fell in love? Do that again.
A pastor told me that he often counsels couples by taking them to Revelation 2, where Jesus addresses the church in Ephesus. Verses 2-5 say, “I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance … I know you are … bearing up for my name’s sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. … repent, and do the works you did at first.”
This church was going through the motions. But it was no longer passionately in love with Jesus Christ.
This pastor said, “I think that’s pretty good marriage advice. In those times when you just don’t have the feelings, repent and do the things you did at first.”
2. Make sure you acknowledge your spouse’s birthday on the actual birthday.
One person apparently learned this the hard way. He said, “If your wife’s birthday is during the week, and you decide to celebrate it the weekend before—and you take her to a nice restaurant, and you have an expensive gift, and you have a deep and meaningful conversation—but you don’t give her a card on the day, you’ve still failed at everything!”
3. Don’t reduce sex to a formula.
This tip is especially for husbands. One woman described what she had experienced: One Friday evening, she and her husband went out for dinner at a nice restaurant. After dinner, they took a walk together. They talked and laughed. The mood was just right. The evening ended with the two of them making love.
About a week later her husband asked, “Hey, why don’t we go back to that restaurant for dinner?” She said, “I knew exactly what was on his mind—and it had nothing to do with the food.”
That husband thought he’d found the formula: restaurant + walk = sex. But his wife told me, “Women don’t want to be figured out. They don’t want romance or sex reduced to a formula.”
4. Never buy your wife a gift for a special occasion that can be plugged into the wall.
If it has a plug on it, consider taking it back, now!
A friend wrote me about something that happened back when he was dating his wife. Her roommate, who liked to cook, received “the most expensive Cuisinart food processor I have ever seen in my life.”
The guy who wrote said that he was very impressed, but the two women were not. They couldn’t believe that any man would give his girlfriend such an “insensitive gift.”
Ladies, let me just add here: Most men like stuff with plugs. Or batteries. We may never use them, but we like to get them for gifts.
5. What seems romantic to you may not actually be romantic to your spouse.
Dr. Gary Chapman says in his book, The Five Love Languages, that there are five primary ways that we express love to one another:
Physical touch—holding hands, playing with hair, giving a back rub.
Acts of service—washing the dishes, helping out around the house, or just folding the laundry.
Words of affirmation—saying tender, sweet, or encouraging things.
Gifts.
Quality time together.
Each of us, Dr. Chapman says, has what he calls a “love language”—a favorite from this list. Let’s say your love language is words of affirmation; you love it when somebody says to you, “You’re really special” or “You look handsome” … those kinds of things. So when you want to express your love for your wife, you naturally say all kinds of sweet things.
But if your wife’s primary love language is acts of service, you can say all the affirming words you want. Unless you’re picking up a broom while you talk, it won’t do much good.
You need to determine your spouse’s love language and then express your love by speaking it. I like the quote from one co-worker who said, “I’ve learned that the little green light on the dishwasher is a real turn on for my wife—if I’m the one who set it!”
6. When you’re talking to your wife, give her your undivided attention.
This applies no matter what your wife’s love language. Being distracted when you’re talking together is not good for romance.
That means if you’re trying to have a conversation with her while a game is on TV, you’re going to need to do more than pushing the mute button on the remote. Wives need undistracted, focused conversation for your relationship—and your romance—to thrive.
7. Using the words “I told you so” does not create a romantic buzz.
Avoid those four words at all cost.
Ogden Nash expressed this well when he wrote:
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
When you’re wrong admit it,
And when you’re right, shut up.
8. Laugh together.
Laughing together promotes romance. You are never more attractive than when you are happy, and joyful, and laughing. Nobody is drawn to a person who is grumpy and distracted. Nobody sees an angry, grumpy person and thinks, I just want to be with you. You are making my heart go pitter-patter.
9. Taking the time to cultivate a warm, tender relationship will usually improve the frequency and quality of your sexual relationship.
In other words, good sex doesn’t lead to good romance; good romance leads to good sex.
10. To love your spouse well, you need to first understand God’s love for you.
When you realize God’s amazing love for you, you can love someone else well.
Engraved inside the wedding band of my wife, Mary Ann, is the verse 1 John 4:19. This verse says, “We love because He first loved us.”
In every relationship, our ability to love one another well is linked to our understanding of God’s love for us. The more you understand, the more you meditate on, the more you focus on and believe God’s love for you, then the more you are able to pour out love for your wife.
One friend told me that he has learned that romance is never so alive and fulfilling than when he is actively pursuing his relationship with God. “My wife has said on numerous occasions that when I’m pursuing God, it makes me irresistibly attractive to her.”
Cultivating a healthy, romantic relationship requires work and wisdom. If the spark is gone, maybe part of the reason is because you’ve quit trying. Hopefully, some of these pointers can help reignite the flame and deepen your relationship with one another.
Good communication between a husband and wife requires certain rules and guidelines, which are simple in one sense and extremely difficult in another.
Rule #1: There will be no nonsubjects—period.
What is a nonsubject? It’s a subject, for whatever reason, that is understood to be off limits and not to be brought up under any circumstance. Nonsubjects between husbands and wives are not only sad but destructive. They take away from the couple’s chance for intimacy—for a heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul relationship. It takes two very mature people to handle painful subjects, but for the sake of a marriage, nonsubjects must become discussable subjects. Patience is the key—don’t give up until all subjects are open for discussion.
Rule #2: Whatever you say, say it with love (Ephesians 4:15).
The more difficult something is to hear, the more gently and tenderly it must be said. Honesty without gentleness is brutal. Make sure that what you have to say needs to be said. Pray, asking God to give you wisdom about what to say and when to say it. Remember that men are really very vulnerable.
Rule #3: Timing is everything.
Don’t try to talk about a difficult subject when the house is in chaos. Make a date—go to a quiet restaurant and talk to him after he’s had a good meal. Don’t try to talk when he’s getting ready to drift off to sleep.
Rule #4: Get to the point.
Don’t say more than you have to. Give him the bottom line first, then go back and sketch in the details. He’ll understand more of what you’re saying. If he wants more information, he’ll ask.
Rule #5: If he’s not looking at you, he’s probably not listening.
If you see his eyes drifting, it probably means you’ve said too much. He’s lost interest. Get back to the point.
If you’re not willing to say it out loud, let it go. Don’t expect him to pick up your nonverbal hints.
Rule #7: Be as positive as possible.
If you talk about problems all the time, he will tune you out. If you’re positive most of the time, he’ll be more willing to listen when you’ve got a problem (see Ephesians 4:29)
Rule #8: Once you’ve shared your concerns, be quiet and listen.
Don’t’ react; just listen. Your listening will let him know you are not attacking him and you value his input. In James 1:19 we read, “Dear friends, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
Rule #9: When the time comes, be willing to accept correction from your husband.
Don’t be defensive. He must also be allowed to share concerns in a nonthreatening atmosphere.
Rule #10: Be forgiving.
Give your husband room to fail. Colossians 3:13 tells us to “bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (NIV). It’s a gift you give to one another.
Adapted from Saying I Do was the Easy Part: Secrets to a Dynamic & Fulfilling Marriage. Copyright 2001 by Theda Hlavka. Used by permission of Broadman & Holman Publishers.
If your marriage is less than blissful, and you feel like giving up, I can tell you from personal experience: Marriages can be raised from the dead. My husband, Ron, and I had one of the worst marriages I’ve ever seen, but now, we really love each other—even like each other. You can too. Are you willing to begin anew?
You’re probably thinking, Why should I be the first to change? or How come I have to do all the work? The answer is simple: God will work with whoever is available and give that person the strength to change. Are you available?
You already know that you can’t change your mate, but you can change your own behavior. The word change indicates a transformation, which is a metamorphosis; the word metamorphosis begins with the two letters “m” and “e.” Change begins with me.
If you want a vibrant and loving marriage, make this verse your prayer: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10).
I can’t get no satisfaction
If either you or your spouse constantly hums the Rolling Stones’ tune, “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” you might be in trouble. If you ignore each other’s needs, one or both of you will be more tempted to go elsewhere. But having unmet needs is no excuse for bad behavior, and going after satisfaction outside your marriage is always wrong. The Bible says—to both of you—be satisfied with the wife/husband of your youth. That indicates that we should be content with our mates. The best way to avoid the “Greener Grass Syndrome”—wishing someone else was your spouse—is to water your own lawn.
If our marriages are well-watered, the grass on our own side of the fence will be lush and soft and lovely. And if you’re both content and committed to your marriage, the Flirty Franks and Teasing Tinas at the office, gym, or grocery store won’t be as tempting.
Maybe you’re saying, “But, Nancy, you don’t know how selfish my husband/wife is.” You’re right, I don’t know your situation, but I’m assuming that you chose to marry that person, so they must have some wonderful qualities too.
Unless your spouse is abusing you or your children, you can choose to be satisfied in your marriage. Look for the best in your mate, not at his or her faults. The more you meet your spouse’s needs, the more he or she will want to meet yours. It doesn’t matter who plants the first seeds, because you’ll enjoy the harvest—together. It might be hard to start, but if you don’t, and your mate won’t, then who will? “And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart” (Galatians 6:9).
Paying attention?
My husband, Ron, recently had a conversation with his friend Earl. Earl said, “For years, my feet have been killing me. I bought insole cushions for my shoes and even bought an expensive pair of arch supports, but nothing helped. So I finally went to a podiatrist.”
“What did he say?” Ron asked.
Earl said, “First, he X-rayed my feet and looked at the films. Then the doctor asked me, ‘What size shoe do you wear?’ I answered, ’11.’ Then the he said, ‘No wonder your feet hurt, you should wear a size 13!'”
Earl shook his head as he told Ron, “I’ve been buying size 11 shoes since high school. It never occurred to me to measure my feet to see if they’d grown.”
His shoes had been too small for years! His feet had changed, but he wasn’t paying attention.
Have you measured your marriage lately?
It’s easy to get complacent and just continue doing what we’ve always done. Since nothing ever stays the same, small changes can sneak up on us and cause some big problems.
Growing pains
If you’re struggling in your relationship and feel as if you’ve grown apart from your spouse, today can be the day of new beginnings. I know how lonely, discouraged, and exhausted you may feel, because I’ve felt that way.
I was in a marriage full of emptiness. I was the original desperate housewife, when 24 years ago, I had an affair and moved out of our house. Ron and I were both selfish, angry, and critical; but we aren’t anymore. Well … I’m still a little selfish, but mostly our lives are full of light and love—and yours can be too. We admitted our faults, asked for forgiveness, changed our behavior, and decided to love each other. Our feelings eventually caught up with our actions, and we slowly grew a lovely “green grass” marriage in own backyard.
We learned that fighting and blaming won’t work. Commanding and demanding can’t work.
Surrender works. If you surrender your heart to the Lord and ask Him to work in you and through you, He will accomplish more than you could ever do on your own.
Ron and I still don’t agree on all issues. But since we’ve reached a compromise on most of the major ones, the minor ones—like where to set the thermostat or which one of us is a better driver (me)—won’t break us. We’ve learned to work together as a team, and that is our prayer for you.
Years ago, if you asked me one word to describe the gospel, I would have told you necessary. I grew up going to church, so I thought I knew how to tell others about Christ. I was taught: Get up enough guts to talk to someone, sneak up on them so they can’t run away, then lay the gospel on them like a ton of bricks.
But I remember the first time I heard Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, talk of telling others about Christ. He told stories about leading a taxicab driver to Christ, meeting someone on an elevator and sharing the Good News, and of meeting someone in the grocery store and giving them a Four Spiritual Laws booklet that explained how to receive Christ.
The number of people he spoke to amazed me, but more amazing was the ease with which he presented his beliefs. He would meet a stranger, ask their name and other get-to-know you information, then he would ask the question, “Where are you spiritually?” When the stranger told Bill his or her religious beliefs or lack thereof, Bill would often ask, “Have you heard the wonderful news about the gospel of Jesus Christ?”
These two questions seemed so simple, so easy to answer.
The first question, “Where are you spiritually?” takes away all assuming on our part. It’s non-invasive because if they feel it’s a private matter, they don’t have to answer. We’re simply asking. Most of the time, however, people enjoy telling about themselves and their thoughts about God. And the way they answer tells us valuable information about where they stand spiritually. Just by listening, we know whether they are a believer or open to other thoughts. It’s open and non-threatening.
Wonderful news
Their answer also will help us know whether to ask the second question. If they are not already Christians, we can inquire, “Have you heard the wonderful news about the gospel of Jesus Christ?”
Of the two questions, this struck me as the most powerful. The way Bill explained the gospel as the “wonderful news” about Jesus Christ made it sound, well, wonderful. In other words, to hear someone describe something as “wonderful” gives the idea that it is pleasant, something I would want to hear about. Imagine that—someone wanting to hear the news of Jesus Christ.
I forget sometimes that Jesus isn’t an idea that we push onto people for the purpose of having the biggest club in the history of the world. Receiving Christ gives them the key to their binding chains as well as the answer to the puzzles that plague their minds.
All my life I had been scared to death to tell people about Jesus for fear that I would come across as intolerant, unloving, close-minded. I didn’t want to push people away.
Two people who needed to hear the gospel
After I heard the questions to help tell others about Christ, I went home excited to start asking them. I decided to begin my newfound method with my friends at church. I won’t be able to explain the gospel to anyone who hasn’t already heard it, I told myself, because the only people at church are Christians. But it will be good practice.
Each month, our church hosted a meeting for any new members who wanted to come, so I decided to ask my questions there. I sat down at a table next to a woman named Cindy. She was pretty, dressed conservatively and smiled nicely. She’s a good one to start with, I thought.
We chatted, and I found out that Cindy was a beauty consultant who had just recently started coming to the church with her boyfriend, who was also new to the church.
After a little more surface discussion, I asked, “So where are you spiritually?”
“Oh, I’m not really religious,” Cindy said. “I just came because my boyfriend started talking about religion and I wanted to make him happy.”
I was flabbergasted by her casual response. I thought only Christians came to church.
“So have you heard the wonderful news of Jesus Christ?” I asked.
“No,” She admitted, “but I’m very interested. I’ve never been to church before, and everyone here seems very nice. I would like to hear about it.”
It was so simple, so easy. I didn’t have to hit her over the head with a ton of bricks; she actually wanted to know.
The same week, I went bowling with some Christian friends. One of the guys had brought a friend named Brian.
“So, Brian, where are you spiritually?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he responded. “I’m really not sure if I believe in God right now. I’ve been reading about other religions and trying to find out what I really believe.”
The rest of the evening, I was able to tell Brian about Jesus.
Unbelievable! I had been to two Christian activities in less than seven days, and had met two people who needed to hear the gospel.
The most fascinating part was that had I not asked the questions, I never would have known that either person was not a believer. They would have continued to go to church, be friends with Christians and fit right in. Even Brian’s friend was surprised to find out Brian wasn’t a Christian.
A profound change
Cindy and Brian were only the beginning of the people that I reached out to through the question, “Where are you spiritually?” Sometimes the people were strong believers, and we had inspiring conversations of God’s love and work in our lives.
For me, however, these questions were crucial and profound as they changed the way I talk to people about Christ.
It’s true that the gospel is necessary, but it is also a magnificent experience. Asking these simple questions isn’t hard when we understand the beauty of the information that we hold. We have the answer that people are looking for. We may be surprised by who has been waiting for the answer.
In Hamlet, Shakespeare wrote, “Conscience does make cowards of us all.” How true! It doesn’t matter what your background is, what religious tradition you were brought up in, or whether you were raised in a nonreligious home. I can assure you that you have at times violated your conscience. Our conscience sits in judgment on all of our actions and says, “Aha! You have violated what you know to be right.”
Our conscience has the power to bless us or condemn us; it can drive us to do great ventures for God, or it can lead us to anger, sleepless nights, and an unending cycle of despair. This internal voice will not be satisfied with our rationalizations.
What is the conscience? The word itself comes from two words: con, which means “with,” and science, which means “knowledge.” Conscience is “knowledge along with us,” or more specifically, the knowledge we carry within us. The conscience is powerful.
There are three characteristics of the conscience that are important for our study.
First, conscience is universal. Every person has a conscience. In the New Testament, the apostle Paul argues that the Jews, who had the law of God and therefore know His will, and the Gentiles, who did not have the written law, have both violated God’s standards and stand guilty before Him. The Jews are convicted by God’s law, Paul says, while the Gentiles will be judged by their conscience:
When Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them on that day when, according to my gospel, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus. Romans 2:14-16
The conscience is the rudimentary law of God written on every human heart.
I spoke with a woman who said she was comfortable with atheism. If God was there, He wasn’t there for her when she needed Him. Yet she did admit to guilt, twinges of regret, and the inner recognition that she had seriously misbehaved. She confessed some dirty laundry that she had to process and said she had no means to wipe her slate clean. “I know that when I face death,” she said, “I will begin to worry if there is ‘something on the other side.'”
Second, conscience can be conditioned. This feature of the human conscience can have both positive and negative effects. In an entirely different context, Paul talks about some Christians whose conscience prohibits them from doing something (such as eating meat that has been offered to idols), while other Christians’ consciences give them the freedom to do so (see Romans 14:1-4, 10-12).
So although the conscience is not always an infallible guide, it either approves or disapproves of the basic moral decisions we make. Almost universally the conscience witnesses with us that stealing, lying, and sexual immorality are wrong.
Third, conscience has tremendous power. It can haunt us day and night, and eventually destroy us.
I am friends with a Christian man whose mother checked into a psychiatric ward a number of times while he was growing up. When he was 22, his mother confessed to him that the man he thought was his father wasn’t his biological father after all. His father was actually a doctor in the community with whom she’d had an affair.
Imagine what this startling confession did to this young man. He struggled emotionally and spiritually, trying to come to terms with who he really was, and questioning his self-worth. After all, strictly speaking, he should not have been born.
Yet today he has an effective ministry and speaks in various churches with joy, challenging people to experience spiritual renewal. He is proof that your parental origin doesn’t have to stop you from enjoying a blessed life and making a positive impact. The key is to take advantage of the marvelous, incredible grace of God.
We shouldn’t be surprised that after his mother confessed her years of deception, she didn’t have to return to the psychiatric ward. At last she was at peace. I remember reading the words of a doctor who said, “I could dismiss half of my patients if I could just look them in the eye and give them the assurance that they are forgiven.”
The eminent psychiatrist Karl Menninger wrote a famous book entitled Whatever Became of Sin? in which he said:
The very word, “sin,” which seems to have disappeared, was a proud word. It was once a strong word, an ominous and serious word. … But the word went away. … Why? Doesn’t anyone sin anymore? Doesn’t anyone believe in sin?
Dr. Menninger was arguing that mental health and moral health are inseparably linked, so he insisted that agents of moral teaching—such as educators and parents—are just as necessary to a person’s well-being as the psychiatrist.
Of course, ultimately, only God can clear our conscience.
Grace is a game-changer
The issue before us is not the greatness of our sin—even if we think we have committed the greatest sin imaginable. “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more” (Romans 5:20). Grace is a game-changer. Sin loses its power in the presence of God’s super-abounding grace.
Recently I read a remarkable book about a US Army chaplain named Henry Gerecke. He was a Lutheran pastor who joined the army during World War II. Because he spoke German, he found himself serving as chaplain to the cruel Nazi leaders who were on trial in Nuremberg, Germany, for their horrible war crimes. Incredibly, as least five of these men (and perhaps seven), most of whom were hanged for their crimes, came to saving faith in Jesus Christ as a result of the faithful witness of Chaplain Gerecke.
Grace isn’t fair! I thought as I read these stories of redemption. But the long arm of grace reaches out to people who clearly don’t deserve it. It reaches out to those who deserve hell; it reaches out to all of us!
“Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit” (Psalm 32:1-2).
Your conscience can be legally silenced. Let your invisible accuser drive you toward God and not away from Him. Let God find you.
My dad and I were the only two people in the living room that night. It was about 9:30 p.m., and my mom was putting my two little kids to bed in her guest room. As I sat there with my dad, I couldn’t help but reflect on everything that had led to that moment.
It had been an exhausting eight months of pregnancy. I had not only been growing a baby and taking care of my family. I had been growing an online women’s ministry, through all forms of social media, with a million monthly readers and 40,000 followers across the globe. I had been keeping up with thousands of e-mails and messages while also trying to keep up with two busy preschoolers. Every area of my life had felt overwhelming some days.
I hadn’t planned to take on the enormous responsibility of caring for the hearts of so many women online, but God wasn’t surprised. He knew exactly what would happen when I sat down at my computer eight months earlier.
I thought I was writing a simple letter on my blog to other overwhelmed women struggling to balance the responsibilities of being a wife and a mom. But God knew I would wake up the next morning to find that my post had been shared around the world, forever changing lives (my own included). He knew my online readership would go from a thousand followers to 40,000 in just a few months. He knew that nearly 10 million people would read those words and say, “I feel the same way.”
And God knew what they would need next. He knew they would need to know my dad’s secret.
Balancing marriage and motherhood
I had received countless messages from women saying, “Yes, I struggle to be both wife and mom. But what do I do about it? How do I balance both? How do I remember to be a wife when it takes all I’ve got to be a momma?” I wanted to give them a simple answer. I wanted to provide a solution that would change their marriages and restore their hope. But I didn’t have it. I didn’t know what to tell them, because I was struggling myself to figure out how to keep the love in my marriage fresh.
But as I looked over at my dad that night, I thought maybe, just maybe, he could tell me what to do next.
My dad is the most patient man I know. I have never heard him raise his voice to anyone, including my mom and my sister and me. He forgives quickly. He loves deeply. And he is always rational and purposeful with his words. Most of what I know about God and His love for me, I learned from and experienced through my relationship with my dad.
This is why I knew I could trust my dad’s advice about marriage. It is because of the way he has treated my mom for nearly 40 years. He has always been a wonderful example of a godly husband and father, and I have always been able to go to him for advice about anything.
‘Just tell them to do what I do’
I remember sitting in the living room looking at him that night and saying, “Dad, what do I tell them? How do I help these women rediscover their marriages in the middle of everything else? How do I help them fall back in love? What do I say to the women who feel as if too much time has passed, who fear it is too late?”
What my dad said next changed my life. “Becky, just tell them to do what I do,” he whispered.
I was curious. What secret had my dad been keeping for the last 37 years?
He looked over his shoulder to make sure my momma wasn’t coming, and with a twinkle in his eye and a sly little smile, he whispered, “Every day when I wake up, I tell myself it is the first day I am married to your mom.”
He waited for me to catch the truth behind his words, and he flashed a grin when he saw the light bulb come on for me. It was as if he knew I was beginning to understand how powerful it would be to live that way. How transformative. How revolutionary.
“Becky, if every day I wake up and tell myself that it is the day I married your mom, then it changes everything. She is just my bride. She is the woman I fell for, and she doesn’t have to prove a thing to earn my love. It’s a new start every day. There isn’t a yesterday full of hurt or offense. There isn’t a need for forgiveness. There isn’t anything I need to overlook. There isn’t a chance for space to separate us or for us to feel as if we are an old married couple. It’s just new love every day.”
Limitless love
The love that my dad shows my momma is an endless sort of love. A love that doesn’t seem manufactured. It is limitless, but I had never understood it. I had never understood how he could love so effortlessly, forgive so easily, and live so joyfully.
But the reason was right there in front of me—spoken out loud for the very first time. For the last 37 years, my dad has daily made the decision to live as if he were a newlywed—and that attitude has made all the difference.
On FamilyLife Today®, author and blogger Becky Thompson encourages moms to move their marriages off the back burner through a 21-day challenge of rediscovery. Listen to the broadcast here.
Here’s a text I received not so long ago from a good Christian friend:
Today at school, while my 10-year-old son was in the restroom, a girl his age came in and used the restroom. Except he says she’s not a girl anymore—now she’s called Bryce.
I know the bathroom controversies may seem insignificant. But until it is your kid who is having to deal with the change in culture, you never realize how challenging this topic is. And I’m struggling. My son and I went on an hour-long walk tonight to talk about it. I never thought I would have to explain to my son what transgenderism is at such a young age.
You may have had a similar experience to my friend. Maybe you’ve gone for a walk to talk about it with your child. Or, perhaps your experience is that your daughter or your son has told you that they feel like Bryce does.
And the question is: On that hour-long walk, what do you say?
Will you avoid the topic altogether?
If you are a parent, it is going to be impossible to avoid this topic. It’s not a question of if you’ll have to talk to your son or daughter about the growing acceptance of transgenderism; it’s a matter of when. When that happens, what will you say?
Will you shrug your shoulders in disbelief and avoid the topic altogether, leaving your child to be informed and have their opinions shaped only by the outside world?
Will you respond in mocking disbelief, and tell your kids, “Those people are crazy. They just need to know what it means to be a man or a woman. And that’ll take care of it”? Will you panic, withdraw your child from school, and aim to shield them from this—and everything else that is wrong “out there” in the world?
Or will you sit down and have a difficult and honest conversation about a challenging topic that their young minds may find very difficult to understand?
You can’t avoid your child having this conversation, sooner or later. The question is whether your child will have it with you, or with someone else. If you find yourself wanting to avoid the topic altogether, and your child knows it, not only will it communicate that you don’t want to help your child navigate challenging topics; it will suggest to them that Christians lack the ability to give a compassionate, nuanced answer, and that your faith can’t cope with reality.
The temptation to shield our children from such topics is understandable, but it is not acceptable. A part of being wise as a parent is balancing a desire to protect your child from the world with the need to prepare them for the world. So what you say to your 8-year-old is going to look different than what you would tell your 16-yearold. But you’re going to have to say something.
Talking points
So here’s what I’d say to a 10-year-old on an hour-long walk:
1. People see reality in different ways, and Christians base our view of reality on what the Bible teaches about the world, because it is written by the God who made us.
2. God made men and women equally valuable, and He made them to be different, and this difference is wonderful and good, and is what leads to humans reproducing in every generation. The human race relies on sexual difference. I’d talk, in an age-appropriate way, about the unique traits of being a boy, and being a girl.
3. I’d also aim to poke holes in cultural stereotypes about gender. I’d tell my child that not every man likes to hunt or watch football. Some men enjoy cooking and writing poetry. Not every young girl wants to wear princess dresses. Some girls may enjoy tramping through the woods in overalls. And that’s okay.
Not all men are going to act like men in the same way that the culture demands. Not all women are going to act like women in the same way that the culture demands. And that’s okay.
I’d point out to them that in our church, there are men who are sports-obsessed, unlike their dad! Equally, there are men who can’t fix a car, like their dad! And there are women who don’t enjoy cooking, and women who run their own business, and women who love cooking and work in the home.
4. While God made a very good world, it’s been messed up by sin, and sin causes brokenness in the world and, in very different ways, in people’s lives. I would be looking to make very clear that there is a difference between suffering the effects of a sinful world, and active personal sin; and that we are all sinners, including them, in different ways. (You’ll notice I’m basically taking my child on a walking tour of Genesis 1-3.)
5. The biblical view of this world is not one that everyone shares. People who reject God’s good rule are not going to accept God’s teaching. Sometimes, we don’t feel like accepting it either.
6. Some people feel they were born a different gender than their birth sex, and they feel alienated from their body. Feeling like this really upsets them, and it’s a very hard place to be in. We don’t need to be mean to these people, and we must never consider them weird or freakish because they’re made by God, in his image. But we need to remember that God made them to be a man or a woman, with a male body or a female body, and so how they feel about themselves is not what God wants for them. Bryce is a girl, because God made her that way.
7. In a fallen world, every human is walking with sin and brokenness that they did not choose and that they cannot simply walk away from. And so every Christian sometimes has to say “no” to what they want or how they feel, because Jesus is their King.
To be a Christian means we trust in God even when it seems different than what our experiences, perceptions, and desires say. To be a Christian also means loving those around us, even when—perhaps especially when—we disagree with them. That’s what Jesus did.
8. If your child asks a question you don’t have an answer to, have the courage to say, “I don’t know. But let me do some studying about what the Bible says about that.” Being honest with your children about hard topics, and letting them know you are committed to helping them instead of giving them some ham-fisted answer, will demonstrate that you are serious about helping them navigate a challenging culture thoughtfully.
Keep the lines of communication open
Finally, find ways to keep this conversation going. Naturally, as your child grows, it will. As a child matures and experiences new phases of life, there are going to be natural questions about proper expectations and how that child understands himself or herself as a man or as a woman.
Encourage that. Don’t run away from important questions about sexual and gender identity just because your pre-pubescent child, or pubescent teen, is asking hard and awkward questions.
Reject the temptation to offload parental responsibility in the awkwardness of puberty. That’s when your child needs your greatest attention, your confidence, and your affirmation. In the home, as much as in the church, we each bend toward harsh “truth” or untruthful “love”—and we need to be aware of this in our parenting. We need to pray about, and against, whatever particular tendency we as parents might have when parenting our kids.
Communicate confidently, but not arrogantly. Communicate compassionately, not harshly. Communicate honestly, not simplistically or tritely.
On FamilyLife Today®, author Andrew Walker talks about our dignity as individuals made in the image of God and explains the confusing issue of gender fluidity. And his book, God and the Transgender Debate, helps Christians engage lovingly, thoughtfully, and faithfully with one of the greatest cultural discussions of our day.
Giving sight to the blind was not something Samantha Chaney thought she would be doing that summer. She and her husband, Mather, live in a modest home with their two young daughters. Together they make a modest income. They don’t travel the world or donate large sums of money, but they do what they can in their sphere of influence to be a light in the darkness.
When the Chaneys’ church told them about an opportunity to host an orphan from Romania for the summer, they felt like it was something they could do—simply minister to a young girl, using their home and family life to show the love of Christ to a child who may never experience it any other way.
When 11-year-old Lilia came to stay with them, within the first week Samantha recognized the symptoms of eye trauma. It was easy for her to identify the problems because her sister had experienced multiple eye surgeries. After a thorough examination, the doctor discovered that Lilia just needed glasses, and she had needed them for years.
When Lilia put on her glasses, she walked outside and looked at the trees for the first time. She scanned the birds and the leaves and the branches, and you could see her look of amazement as she discovered what nature looks like in all its glorious detail for the first time.
Even though Samantha and Mather were fully prepared to pay for the little girl’s medical needs, the doctor donated the glasses and his services, and their church helped with the other costs.
The power of kindness
I can’t help but liken Samantha’s helping Lilia to the story of Jesus giving sight to the blind in the gospels. Jewish leaders questioned the blind man who had been miraculously touched by Christ, hoping to find some kind of evidence to arrest the healer. But the man told them, “Whether he is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see” (John 9:25).
The blind man wasn’t concerned about Jesus’ sin or lack thereof. He was simply grateful that the Lord healed him. In the same way, Lilia was not concerned about whether or not Samantha’s home was adequate, or how many times the Chaneys went to Sunday services. But at home in Romania, she will always remember Samantha as the woman who gave her sight in the name of Christ, and she will forever be grateful.
Many Christians think that in order to share the gospel they need to be an ordained minister or have a seminary degree. But sharing your home and your life is a ministry. You don’t need a perfect home. You just need to be willing to put aside the outward show, let people in, and live out genuine faith in front of others.
Samantha didn’t make any dramatic changes to prepare for Lilia; she found a place for her to sleep and opened her home and her heart to a little girl who needed it. She was willing to do whatever she needed to do to help, even for just a short time.
More ideas
There are many different ways you can use your home to show hospitality and love to people of all different cultures and walks of life. Hosting orphans is one of them. There are many organizations that help you do this. Talk to your church and see if they have a program like this one. If not, volunteer to bring this option to the congregation. Do some research, and work to get others to open their homes along with you.
If reaching the nations interests you but you don’t want to travel overseas, sponsor an international student from a local university. They are happy to experience American traditions, and they want to know all about your faith! Nations all over the world are familiar with America’s Christian roots, so they expect you to include your faith traditions in your everyday life.
You can also host a Bible study for your neighborhood. You can focus on women, children, or young adults. If you don’t know how to get started, talk to the youth or college minister at your church or contact a college ministry on a campus in your area. These ministries would love to have your help and will find ways for you to minister to and sponsor college students.
If a Bible study is too much, plan to have lunch with one young person from your church once a month. You can host young men or women to come over on a regular basis, and these can build into a discipling relationship. The best way to reach the next generation for Christ is to have relationships with them.
Brad Branham is the Baptist Collegiate Minister at Arkansas Tech in Russellville, Arkansas, and previously at Lyon College. In both locations he has seen explosive revival among college students. Brad says his strategy is no secret. “College students are very relational. They want to know someone will spend time with them and that they care,” he says.
Brad spends a large part of his time telling students about the gospel over lunch. “I tell the students I’ll buy them lunch on one condition—if they let me tell them the gospel. I’m up front with them from the beginning, and they are okay with that.” It’s a spiritually blind generation, a confused generation, and by just spending a little time, you can be the one to bring them sight.
Another way you can reach out from your home is to support missionaries who are sponsored by your church. Ask them for opportunities to serve and help with their work from your home—give, pray, tell others about what they are doing. Send letters of encouragement. Send gifts. Sometimes the best ministry you can do is to the missionaries themselves.
We are all missionaries
Jesus has called every Christian to be a missionary. No matter where we live, whether Hometown, USA, or the jungles of Africa, God has told us all to go and preach the gospel to everyone. That means our friends and neighbors and anyone else in our sphere of influence. If you look for the opportunities, they are easy to find.
These examples are just a few easy suggestions. If you put some thought into your situation, and set your fears and busy schedules aside, you will find that your life is full of opportunities to spread the good news. Imagine what could happen if we all inconvenienced ourselves just once for the sake of the gospel and used the resources we have right in our own homes to reach others. Brad said it best. “I read once … that 90 percent of believers will grow up in church, get married, and never share the gospel with a single person. So if we could just get people to share with one person, we could change the world.”
Just about everyone I know feels overwhelmed, and most are busier than they’ve ever been, especially if they have children at home.
Pair that with my observation that most Christians I know would affirm that family worship—if they are familiar with it—would probably be a worthwhile practice if they were to make the time for it.
If these things are true for you, then my prayer is that this article will persuade you, despite the many demands on your schedule, to make a priority of family worship.
And I hope to persuade you—regardless of the size of your family, and even if you’ve never had children or no longer have children in your home—by means of the following five reasons.
1. God deserves to be worshiped daily in our homes by our families. This is the teaching throughout the Bible. While there is no direct command regarding family worship, it is implied throughout Scripture. In Genesis 22:7, when Isaac asked his father Abraham, “Where is the lamb for a burnt offering?”, he knew something was missing in the worship of God because Abraham had led Isaac and the rest of the family in the worship of God before.
Job 1:5 says that after any of his grown children held a feast, Job would send for them and offer up a burnt offering of worship for them in their presence, and “Thus Job did continually.”
In 1 Peter 3:7, Jesus’ apostle exhorts “husbands” (note: he addresses all married men, not just those who are fathers) to live with their wives “in an understanding way.” In part, Peter says this to husbands so that “your prayers may not be hindered.” The prayers here are not just those of the husband, rather Peter is referring to mutual prayer. He assumes that Christian couples pray together in their home.
If you have believed the gospel of Jesus Christ, you are surely convinced by both the Bible and the Holy Spirit that God, by virtue of who He is and what He’s done for us, deserves to be worshiped daily in our homes by our families.
2. There’s no better way to speak the gospel into the lives of your family members every day. The grit in our souls and the grind of life puts us in need of remembering the glorious truths of the gospel daily. Jerry Bridges (summarized here by Tim Challies) has reiterated so helpfully in his books the need for us to “preach the gospel to ourselves every day.” Family worship gives us the opportunity to do that for the entire household.
If you have children, are you sure that they are clear on the message of the gospel? Even if they’ve not yet believed it in a saving way, are you confident they can articulate the essence of the message of what God has done in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus? Don’t assume that other people will make it plain to them and ensure that they understand it. In the context of family worship, you can be certain that they know the only message by which they can know God and go to heaven.
3. There’s no better way to provide a regular time for your children to learn the things of God from you. Certainly you want your children to learn the Bible and how to live as a Christian from your pastor and others who teach in your local church. That’s essential to Christian parenting. But you don’t want to outsource to the parents of other children all the Christian teaching your children receive.
Besides, the opportunities your children have with these teachers each week is limited in comparison to the time you can spend with them daily. Family worship is the best and most consistent way for you to transmit your core beliefs to your children.
4. There’s no better way for your children to see the ongoing, positive spiritual example of their parents in real life. During daily life in your home, your children see you at your worst. They often see you when you aren’t acting like a Christian. Make sure they see you at your best, when you clearly live like a follower of Jesus in their presence.
Let them see you—a man or woman they know to be imperfect and a sinner—return every day to the Bible and to the centrality of Christ in the home. Let them see, not a hypocrite who attempts to partition their sin from their faith, but someone who regularly comes to God in family worship and humbly acknowledges their sin and need for a Savior.
Those who do will also discover how family worship fosters the times of confession, forgiveness, and restoration that all healthy families need.
5. Isn’t this what you really want to do? Should it be necessary to persuade any genuine Christian to want to worship God in his or her home with the family? Doesn’t God Himself plant that desire in the heart of all those who love Him?
Do what you really want to do. Begin the worship of God with your family in your home tonight.
On FamilyLife Today®, Dr. Don Whitney coaches moms and dads on the lost art of family worship. And check out Dr. Whitney’s book, Family Worship, a practical guide to practice God-glorifying, Christ-exalting worship through Bible reading, prayer, and singing.
The light from the passing car’s headlights rotated around my bedroom walls and my eyes opened wide.
Who was driving up our cul-de-sac at night? Were they going to rob us? Would they set fire to our house?
Fear gripped my young heart as irrational conclusions flooded my mind. Seeking comfort, I did not wait long to slide off my bed and run downstairs.
I stood on the stair landing, looked down at Mom and Dad on the couch, and hurriedly reported what I had seen.
After talking me through my fears and praying with me, Dad walked me back to my room, sang quietly to me, and returned downstairs.
Moments like this have been significant in shaping how I interact with the Lord. My parents did more than teach me how to walk as a believer and honor Christ in all things; they showed me.
Here are five habits my parents incorporated into my childhood that have had a special influence on my spiritual life.
1. They taught me to sing hymns.
With two girls in ballet for over 10 years, you can imagine how many hair buns were fashioned in my home. Mom was the “bun master” when we were young, and during those moments in front of the mirror, she would teach my younger sister and me to sing hymns … in three-part harmony!
These weren’t simply music lessons. The theological lessons embedded in these hymns have stuck with me to this day. Lyrics such as “He hideth my life in the depths of His love, and covers me there with His hand” and “Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine, O what a foretaste of glory divine” are branded on my heart, to be remembered in any moment.
Mentally and audibly singing words of truth have the power to recalibrate my thinking and my emotions on what is pleasing to the Lord. Many moody mornings have been revived by an old hymn or two. When I sing the spiritual songs I was taught, they point me to God.
2. They showed me how they read Scripture.
Every morning during my childhood, my mom would sit on the front porch steps for her quiet time with God. I would see her walk out with her Bible and devotional under her arm, eager to dive in. Similarly, I grew up watching my dad read his leather Bible in his leather chair in the evenings and before church on Sundays. Both of them hungered for God’s Word. Both saw it as their ultimate authority. Since I was young, I have observed both of my parents place reading Scripture at the top of their priority list out of a longing for guidance and holiness.
So my personal hunger for consistent Scripture reading began by watching my parents. Now when I go home to visit, I often sit outside with my mom with my own Bible, and we share with each other what truths we have gleaned. What a blessing to share this as a family!
3. They taught me how to pray.
I discovered years ago that every morning as he heads to work my dad prays for each one of his girls as he passes our rooms. He lifts each of our needs up to our Father who gladly listens. My mom does the same during her “quiet times” with God. They do not merely pray for our days, but that my sister and I would serve and love the Lord in all that we do.
My personal prayer life has been significantly shaped by witnessing theirs. They’ve shown me that nothing is too big or too small to talk to God about. As Paul tells us in Philippians 4:6, it is “in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving” that requests should be made known to God. Nothing should be left out.
Even now, I tear up thinking about how much prayer my parents have invested in my family.
4. They showed me how to serve others.
When a friend needs her, my mom is there in an instant. If she needs my Dad’s help, he sacrifices his needs for hers. Together as a couple, my parents serve those who are hurting. They are not afraid to slog through the mess of life together. They don’t skirt around the nitty gritty for the sake of comfort but place others before themselves.
They have exemplified, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39) and “Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).
Living with those who practice what they teach has taught me how to live for others.
5. They taught me to dwell on the good, true, and lovely.
As I’ve mentioned, I was a fearful child. Those many nights I climbed downstairs in terror, my Dad consistently listened as I expressed my fears. Most significantly, he then gently guided my mind back to what is true. He would address both the truth of my situation and the truth about God.
On one specific evening, I recall coming to my mom for the same reason. She told me to dwell on good and lovely things. She was indirectly quoting Philippians 4:8 which says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true … whatever is lovely … if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
These early reminders to dwell on what is good, true, and lovely made a significant mark on my thinking patterns. Thinking this way has not blocked out the harsh realities of the world, but has offered a lens of truth through which to see them. Because my parents have been committed to talking about and living out what is true and lovely, my thought-life has been transformed.
I never thought learning songs, watching my parents read, or thinking about beautiful things would change my life, but they have. My day in, day out interactions with God would not look the same without having lived with parents who demonstrated spiritually healthy lives. This is my tribute. I am forever grateful and hope to do the same with a family of my own one day.
My 6-year-old daughter looks like Shirley Temple—she has naturally highlighted ringlets all over her head, sweet dimples, and big brown eyes that shine with every smile. And right now, she has the upbeat personality to match her face and hair.
But she hears how beautiful she is all the time. Of course, I love that people think my daughter is as adorable as I do, but I don’t want her to grow up thinking that the only value she holds is in her looks.
What happens if her curly blonde hair turns straight and black like mine? What if she gets chubby in junior high like so many young girls? What happens if she has an accident that disfigures her face, and all she’s heard her whole life is praise for her beauty?
Since before my children were born, I’ve prayed that God would save them and that He would have a personal relationship with them. I’ve never been concerned whether they are rich or poor or if they are popular at school. I know that if their hearts are right with God, they will follow the right path.
I’ve also begun to consider the struggles that my children may face in life from the pressure that society puts on them. What can I do—even at their young ages—to prepare them for the pressures and battles of life? How can I guide them to develop a heart that follows God?
I evaluated their environments and surroundings. They go to a private Christian school, so popularity will be important to them. Many wealthy families put their kids in this school, and that could tempt them to be pressured to pursue money.
I also studied my children’s personalities and paid attention to what they seem to struggle with. And I came up with a “game” that could be tailored for each child to help him or her build resistance to these temptations.
Questions for Katherine
For example, Katherine is beautiful, and she loves to play dress up and wear beautiful, elaborate clothes and accessories. When she was 4, she told me when she grew up she wanted to be “expensive.” (I was always telling her she couldn’t have something because it was too expensive.) She’s very popular at school because she’s so friendly and compassionate. She’s also extremely creative and an out-of-the-box thinker.
So this is how the game goes for Katherine. The first thing I ask her is, “What’s more important than being beautiful?” And from the time she could speak, she had to answer, “A heart that follows God.” And then I ask her a series of other questions tailored to fit the areas where I feel she might struggle:
“What’s more important than having friends?”
“What’s more important than having nice things?”
“What’s more important than being popular?”
“What’s more important than pleasing your teachers and friends?”
“What’s more important than being smart?”
And to each one, she has to answer, “A heart that follows God.”
Questions for Ben
My 8-year-old son, Ben, is always praised for his intelligence. He’s more of a driven introvert, always trying to figure out how things work or coming up with new inventions. He’s a perfectionist and gets out of sorts when things don’t go exactly as he wants them to. He’s also popular at school, but it’s because he’s clever, energetic, and he loves to laugh. So for Ben, I ask these questions:
“What’s more important than being smart?”
“What’s more important than making people laugh?”
“What’s more important than making good grades?”
“What’s more important than being successful?”
“What’s more important than making lots of money?”
And he has to answer the same thing: “A heart that follows God.”
It’s a simple idea, but it keeps reiterating the same thing—all the things that you keep getting praised for are good, but they aren’t the most important. If you have to choose between one or the other, choose to follow God. The list continues to morph as the children grow and change.
I also want the kids to use their strengths to advance the kingdom, so I ask them from time to time how they plan to use their gifts for God.
Since everyone tells Katherine how pretty she is, I will ask her, “Who are you going to be like when you grow up?” And she knows to answer, “Esther.” I’ve told her the story of how Esther was chosen to marry King Xerxes because she was so beautiful, and that God’s providence had her in that place of influence so she could save the Jewish people. Esther used her beauty for the work of God.
With Ben, when he tells me he wants to be an astronaut or a builder or scientist, I ask him, “And how could you use that gift for God? I know, how about … ?” And we proceed to brainstorm ways that he could use his dream job to advance the kingdom.
I know I can’t change the heart of a child. There’s nothing I can do to save their souls. Only God can do that. But I’m doing my best as a mom to show my kids that the best way of life is to have a heart that follows God.
We certainly spend a lot of time teaching our children how to put their clothes away, change the toilet paper roll, and say please and thank you. Teaching them to pray is even more important!
I began teaching my children to pray when they were very small, but as they grew, I realized the need for more instruction in prayer when I began to notice repetition in their nightly prayers. For several nights in a row, they prayed, “Lord, I just thank you for this wonderful day today, and I pray we’d have a wonderful day tomorrow. Amen.” So I decided to ask them if they had anything else they wanted to talk to God about.
I noticed that if I made suggestions, they were very open to adding them, but they were reluctant to initiate deeper conversation with their Maker. So I concluded that perhaps they needed intentional training in prayer.
The truth is, all of our children need intentional training in prayer. Other than teaching them simple prayers they can memorize and recite, which is often what we do with very young children, what might intentional training in prayer look like?
Follow Jesus’ example
Though Jesus modeled prayer, He also gave His disciples some practical training in how to do it. Both Matthew and Luke record a teachable moment when Jesus told His disciples how to pray.
In Matthew 6, Jesus initiates the lesson by teaching them what prayer is not. Basically, He tells them:
Don’t pray publicly just so you can be seen by others and thought spiritual (verse 5).
Don’t babble on, repeating the same words over and over (verse 7).
In Luke’s Gospel, the disciples say to Jesus, “Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples” (11:1b). In each account, Jesus then teaches them the Lord’s Prayer. In Matthew 6:9-13, it reads like this:
Our Father in heaven, may your name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. Give us today the food we need, and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. And don’t let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one.
Jesus didn’t intend for them merely to repeat these words over and over. In fact, He had just warned them not to babble on and on, repeating the same words as the pagans did. Instead, He was teaching them some basic elements that should be included in our dialogues with our gracious and loving God. The acrostic ACTS captures these elements. It stands for the following: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication.
These were big words at the time for my then 5-year-old daughter, 8-year-old twin daughters, and 11-year-old son. So I asked God to help me teach them to pray in a way that would go deeper than their surface prayers for a good day without being insincere, fancy words they simply repeated with little understanding.
Teaching ACTS
Here’s how I broke down the acronym ACTS for my kids:
Adoration. Sometimes my children could be silly when we closed our eyes to pray. Thought I didn’t want them to think that God and prayer aren’t fun, I did want them to know that when we get quiet to pray, we need to remember that God is holy—which means “set apart.” When we talk to God, we need to remember we are addressing the God of the universe and praise Him for who He is.
I thought about how my children could praise God each day in a way that wouldn’t get rote or mechanical. I got a piece of construction paper, and we spent one night brainstorming words that describe God, such as powerful, loving, awesome, holy. They had fun coming up with these words.
Then I asked them some of the names for God found in the Bible. With a little coaxing, they thought of Rock, Shepherd, Jesus, King of kings. Soon we had filled the page with different ideas. I bought a cute white frame and hung up the list in their room. At bedtime they could each pick one of the things on the list to begin their prayer.
Confession. This part turned out to be the most surprising. The first time we talked about confession, none of them could recall any bad thing they had done that day. I was floored. I had a long list for each of them fresh on my mind! I held back as long as I could, but then I asked one of them, “What about hitting your sister today?”
“Oh, yeah.”
Then on to the next child: “Remember how you threw that fit and got in trouble this morning?”
“I had forgotten about that.”
They were all very willing to confess their sins to God and were even excited that they had something for this part of the prayer. They just needed some training and direction.
Thanksgiving. Giving thanks came more naturally. They were always grateful for the “wonderful day.” Now we tried to be more specific. What are we thankful for? Yes, we had trips to the park, friends over, and new toys. But we talked about some basic things that we often take for granted: freedom to worship, our own copy of God’s Word, clean water, food, eyes to see, legs to run.
Their tender hearts were telling their Creator that they had much to appreciate. Children don’t always remember these blessings in day-to-day life when surrounded by ads and commercials tempting them to want more. But at night when their hearts are soft, they often recognize God’s provision when a loving parent reminds them of all He has done.
Supplication. Big word. I told them we were basically just asking God for things. He invites us to ask with shameless persistence. We can ask for things we need or want, but we also want to pray for others. A friend of mine shared a great system that she used to help her kids remember what they were praying for each day. We made another poster for the wall that looked like this:
Monday: Missionaries. Here we wrote the name of two specific families we know and support. We prayed for their children and tried to remember to share any details about their families we received in regular prayer updates in e-mails or letters.
Tuesday: Teachers. Each child prayed for his or her own school teacher. We also listed the names of their piano teacher, Sunday school teachers, and coaches. If they didn’t know what to pray, we asked God to give their teachers wisdom and endurance. (They can always use a little more of that, right?)
Wednesday: Widows and orphans. We prayed for specific ones we knew. We prayed for Great-Grandma, a woman at church, and for little Alex and Robelina, whom we support through an organization that provides opportunities to sponsor needy children. (Our son and the twins have since been able to meet Alex personally on mission trips to Guatemala. It was incredible for them to meet the boy we had prayed for on so many Wednesdays.)
Thursday: Those who don’t have a relationship with Jesus. The children had plenty of people who were school friends, neighbors, or extended family members whom they hope will accept Jesus’ gift of salvation and choose to follow Him. It made the celebration that much sweeter when we saw a family we had been praying for in our neighborhood place their faith in Christ.
Friday: Friends and family. We listed all the cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents, and each child picked one or two special friends to include. Living in Ohio with my family in Texas and my husband’s family in Canada, praying for family helps my kids feel more connected with people they may get to see only once a year.
Seeing progress
After we implemented our new approach to prayer, we found that our kids’ prayer lives were growing stronger. It hasn’t been a perfect system. Still, the kids have learned that prayer is talking with God about anything and everything. They have practiced remembering who He is, where they fall short, and what they are thankful for, and they have asked for God’s help for others.
Though we no longer have the lists on the wall, they have long since moved past talking generically about a “wonderful day” to deeper connection with Christ. (We’re still working on that toilet paper roll, though!)
Michael Murray knew there was a problem when he attended his 10th high school reunion. At the time he was successful at work. He and his wife, Mary, owned their own home; they had two kids, two cars, and a dog. Yet that night he realized, “Mary and I had already reached everything we had set out to attain.”
Mike felt restless, unsettled, empty. But he didn’t say anything to Mary.
With a 2-year-old daughter, Brittany, and a 6-month old son, Eric, the Murrays didn’t take time for heart-to-heart conversations anymore. They couldn’t just pick up and go places whenever they wanted to. Mike didn’t like that; he felt trapped. He never had time to do what he wanted to do.
He often spent 60 hours a week at the office, and that’s where he struck up a friendship with a female colleague. “We went out to lunch, talked,” Mike says, “… she was separated, going through hard times.” With no young children vying for his attention, he was able to listen. And she listened to Mike. And it wasn’t long before their relationship escalated into a sexual affair.
Like any unfaithful husband, Mike created a web of lies to cover his infidelity. All the while, Mary was unsuspecting. She never questioned why her husband was gone so much. She was busy with the kids and trusted him. They had been best friends since high school and the thought of Mike being unfaithful had never crossed her mind.
Mike never expected his months of lies to catch up with him. “You do things when you lie and you have to keep lying,” he says, “and cover up one lie after the other.”
The first confrontation
Mike became more and more emotionally distant. He and Mary were spinning in opposite directions, and they seldom talked. Mary began wondering if there was another woman.
It all changed on the day they attended a friend’s wedding. In a setting of white lace and lasting promises, the Murrays got into an argument. That’s when Mary raised the question she had been afraid to ask, the one that changed the course of Mike’s life: “Are you seeing someone else?”
“Yes,” he said, and then saw the look of deep hurt on his wife’s face. So he hid the whole truth. “It’s just an emotional thing,” he said. “We haven’t had any physical relationship.”
What was Mike doing to his family? Where could he and Mary go for help? And how bad would things get?
Steps toward faith
Although the Murrays had never attended church as a couple, Mike had been raised in church. He felt they needed spiritual help, so they sought counsel from Pastor Jeff Green at Sutton Baptist Church in Sutton, Vermont.
After hearing their story, Pastor Green asked the Murrays about their relationship with God. Mike explained that he had said a prayer of faith as a child. Then the pastor asked him if he would totally commit his life to the Lord.
Mike said he would, but again he was lying. At this point, he wasn’t actually sure if he wanted to give up the other woman.
Next the pastor asked Mary about her faith. She wondered why he was asking her this question. Wasn’t Mike the one who had messed up?
After the Murrays returned home, the pastor’s words echoed in Mary’s mind. Then, a few days after meeting with Pastor Green, she recognized the sin in her own life and made a decision to become a follower of Jesus Christ. That’s when things started to really change for her.
The lowest point
Several weeks after meeting with Pastor Green, Mike came to an unexpected crossroads. His girlfriend told him she was pregnant. He realized he had made a real mess of his life.
Depressed and driving around with a shotgun in his trunk, Mike considered whether he should just end it all. Then he sensed God telling him, “If you are willing to die, die to yourself and let Me live through you.”
As a child, Mike could quote John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” But now he felt like God was drawing him to accept the truth of the following verse, John 3:17: “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”
Mike Murray had finally come to the end of himself. He confessed his years of lying and deceit to God and gave the mess he had made to Jesus Christ. “God spoke to me, and instead of receiving Christ I gave my life to Him,” Mike says.
But now he had to face Mary.
The lies finally end
At the same time, God was working in Mary’s heart about forgiveness. And one day she unexpectedly told Mike that she had forgiven him for his inappropriate friendship with his co-worker.
But Mike could not lie to her any longer. Now a follower of Christ, he began to weep. He confessed that the affair had been not only emotional, but also sexual.
Mary screamed. It was as though a knife had pierced her heart. “It hurt so much,” she says. “I asked myself questions like, Where do I go from here? and Is this what being a Christian is like?”
Despite her doubts, God continued to work in her life. She hung onto His faithfulness (1 Corinthians 10:13b) and asked God to give her the strength to forgive her husband.
For Mike the pain of admitting his lies began a journey of truth he has never regretted. First, he started to rebuild trust with his wife by being right with God. Mary needed to see Mike following hard after God instead of being the person he used to be.
He started bringing his Bible to work, reading it during lunch, and doing his best to follow its teachings. And for the first time in their married life, the Murray family became part of a church.
About the same time the Murrays’ pastor saw an ad in the newspaper inviting people to attend a HomeBuilders Couples Series® study, FamilyLife’s small-group study for couples (now called Art of Marriage Connect). He encouraged them to join the study. Having nothing to lose at that point, they agreed to give it a try.
As they went through their first small-group study, Building Your Marriage, they discovered God’s way of doing marriage. And answering the homework questions gave them a real opportunity for their own marriage to grow. “If we could apply these things, our marriage would work,” Mike says.
Helping others
After going through Building Your Marriage, the Murrays began leading couples through it. They eventually led more than 20 Art of Marriage Connect groups in New England and helped start groups at other churches in the Northeast.
They also attended many of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. Every time they went to a getaway they were in a different season of life or in a different place in their marriage. So every time they went they got something new out of it.
Then in 2007 Mike became pastor of the Catalyst Church in Jericho, Vermont, where he serves today with his wife. They have led two of The Art of Marriage® video events there and continue to tell others what God has done in their marriage.
A changed legacy
Although it’s been more than 25 years since Mike had the sexual affair, he still feels some pain when he remembers it. “She told me that she got an abortion,” he says. “It is something that I have had to deal with. The Scripture teaches us that we are forgiven but the consequences sometimes remain.” But today he’s grateful for the decision he made at that crossroads: that he would surrender his life to Jesus Christ rather than ending it to get out of his misery.
Mary is deeply grateful as she looks at her now grown children and grandchildren. She shudders to think of her life today if Mike had made a different choice. “Who knows where we would be at this point?” she says. For one thing, she says, their third child, Michaela, “would not even be here.”
And Mary is not the only one who is thankful. Their daughter Brittany didn’t think much about her parents’ reconciliation until she married seven years ago. Her husband came from a broken home. “I see what life could have been like if my own parents had gotten a divorce,” she says.
Like most young couples, Brittany and her husband have had some marriage struggles. And sometimes they have sought counsel from Mike and Mary. Why? Because they have witnessed the difference God has made in their marriage.
“They are still very much in love,” Brittany says, “… Their marriage is what I want in my marriage and what I want my own children … to look for when they start to think about settling down with the one that they love.”
Brittany’s younger brother, Eric, agrees. “When most of my friends were losing their family structure, mine held together,” he says. “Even now, our family gets together most Sundays after church and spends time together. Co-workers and friends mostly don’t understand this, or how it happens. But it shows the importance of a strong family in a crumbling world.
And Michaela, the youngest of the Murrays’ three children, is especially thankful that her mom and dad did not split up. “Growing up, all my friends came from broken homes and had divorced parents, which was so alien to me. I always had a very concrete and supportive family life and I thank God every day for blessing me with the family that I have.”
Looking back
It’s ironic, but when Mike gave God the rights to his life, he found what he had been searching for. When he surrendered his life and marriage to Jesus Christ, he discovered the source of true joy and contentment.
Recently Mike was talking to a man whose wife had just found out that he had been having an affair. Mike’s counsel: “Run to Christ. No matter what happens you need Christ. Run to Him. Do everything that you can do be right with Him.”
After all, running to Christ is exactly what Mike and Mary did so long ago. And that’s why they confidently say to husbands and wives, “God is able to save a marriage.”
No one has been more surprised than Mike about what happened after his lies caught up with him. God transformed his life and propelled him into ministry. “And if I could just get that into other people’s hearts,” he says. “There’s nothing that you’ve done that God can’t turn around and use.”
Debbie Rodriguez kissed her 15-month-old son, Kristoffer, on the forehead and put him into his crib. She walked downstairs and slipped into a chair by the kitchen table, next to her husband, Alberto. He was thumbing through the day’s mail. A family physician with a new private practice, he’d had a long, demanding day. He never expected what happened next.
Debbie was at a breaking point in their relationship. She looked at Alberto and said, “I just want to let you know I’m leaving you, and I’m taking the baby with me.”
Dumbfounded, Alberto sat in the chair with no expression on his face. He couldn’t comprehend what she meant. He had thought he was doing a decent job as a husband and new father. Yes, he spent a lot of time away from home, but with a new medical practice and hospital calls, what could she expect?
Debbie kept talking. “I just can’t do this anymore,” she said. “I think we have nothing left after all these years.”
“What do you mean?” Alberto said, “Where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“What have I done that you want to leave me?”
After 11 years of marriage, Debbie felt empty and alone. She and Alberto shared a house, but not their lives. As far as she was concerned, their relationship was over.
But Alberto thought everything was going well. Wasn’t he a good provider and active in their church?
He loved her. “I tended to her when I was home.”
How could he have missed the signs that his marriage was dying?
“Better” never came
Debbie and Alberto grew up in Puerto Rico and met on a summer ministry team before her freshman year in college. She was drawn to his gentle spirit. And Alberto? Well he couldn’t help but notice Debbie’s beauty, both inside and out. “She was sold out for Christ,” he says, “and I liked that.”
By the time Alberto proposed to Debbie she was a senior in college and he was in his third year of medical school. They married after she graduated, and before his last year of medical school.
Alberto and Debbie expected happiness to be the hallmark of their relationship. They were both committed followers of Jesus Christ. They thought that no matter what might happen in their marriage, their bond of love would always be enough.
But neither anticipated the challenges of balancing the life of a busy medical student with being newlyweds. Alberto lived with the constant tension of, I have to study. I have Debbie. What should I do?
As a new bride, Debbie thought her husband gave more attention to his studies than to her. She didn’t like it, but told herself, It’s temporary. It will get better. She knew that Alberto was carrying a heavy load at school and in the hospital. And she didn’t want to add another concern to his already full plate, so she kept everything inside.
When Alberto graduated from medical school, he was accepted to a residency program in Philadelphia. That meant a move from Puerto Rico to the United States … away from family and friends. Alberto was fluent in English, but Debbie was not. He was consumed by a grueling residency in family practice, while she struggled with loneliness. But she pretended that things weren’t so bad. Over and over again she told herself that once the residency program ended, married life would get better.
After Alberto’s residency, he was accepted into a fellowship program at Duke University School of Medicine—another move, this time to Durham, North Carolina. By now Alberto was seldom at home, and Debbie still kept telling herself, When we are over this phase, it will get better.
But “better” never came. Even after Alberto and Debbie moved to Hartford, Connecticut, for his first job as a physician … or a few years later when he began his private practice … or after their first child was born as planned after Alberto finished his medical training. Nothing changed.
The days were long and filled with financial stress. There was little time for communication. Debbie didn’t tell Alberto that she thought she was the last person on his priority list. She ignored what she considered negative thoughts and modeled what she had seen from her childhood: Conflict has no place in a Christian marriage.
And little by little, Alberto and Debbie became two strangers, living in the same house. Two people who at some level loved one another and wanted the best for each other, but were traveling down separate paths. One of the strangers was getting lonelier and lonelier. And the other stranger didn’t even know.
“I was so busy in the hospital,” Alberto says, “that I couldn’t think of any of this—what I was feeling or not feeling. You detach from your feelings and take care of people that are really sick.”
No interest in saving their marriage
When Debbie finally told Alberto she was leaving, she actually stayed in their house because she had no other place to go. “I just moved into another bedroom and took care of Kristoffer,” she says. Trying to formulate what she was going to do, she was emotionally dead. She had no interest in resurrecting her marriage.
What could the doctor do? Get a second opinion. He needed help.
Alberto called Jeff, a friend from church, and told him what was happening in his marriage. Jeff’s wife, Barbara, called Debbie and encouraged her to stay in her marriage. When Barbara learned that a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway was coming to Hartford, Connecticut, she went right over to the Rodriguezes’ home. “It looks great,” she told Debbie as she waved a brochure. “You’ve got to go.”
Debbie wasn’t interested. She said the getaway would be useless; she felt she would be “preached at” and would be asked to repent of something and try to make her marriage work again. She simply had no energy for that. But Alberto? He was open to anything. “I would have gone anywhere, anytime,” he says.
Barbara, Jeff, and Alberto prayed that God would change Debbie’s mind. And Barbara kept pleading with Debbie, “You’ve got to go to this.”
Finally Debbie surrendered and said, “Okay, I’ll give it a try.” But she told Alberto not to put any expectations on her.
Debbie was apprehensive when she and Alberto walked into the hotel ballroom. Since it was a “Christian” event she thought it would start with singing or prayer. But instead it began with laughter and light conversation. It was not like anything either she or Alberto had expected.
The speakers were funny, down to earth, and transparent. She laughed and started to relax, and surprising even herself, she began to listen as she learned about threats to marriage, about God’s plan for marriage, about communication and resolving conflict.
By Sunday Debbie was open to the possibility of saving her marriage. She remembers clearly a message on forgiveness. The speaker validated her feelings by saying, “Some of you have real hurts that for the first time you are facing.” He explained that forgiveness is about releasing someone who has hurt you by choosing to let go of the debt.”That did it for me,” Debbie said. “It was like an arrow that pierced my heart.”
She began to cry. At first little tears … and then uncontrollable weeping. The floodgates of 10 years of stuffed emotions finally opened.
For the first time, Debbie told her husband about her deep hurts, the things that she had hidden in her heart for years. “He had no idea,” she says, “because I had never shared … how isolated I was feeling.” Alberto asked her to forgive him and she asked him to forgive her.
As they left the marriage getaway, Alberto was encouraged that he and Debbie had an actual plan for their relationship. “When we got married,” he says, “there was no booklet telling me how to do marriage … how I was supposed to be a father, a husband. And this conference, through the speakers and the materials, gave me a written plan.”
A biblical foundation
The getaway was not a magic wand that solved all of the Rodriguezes’ problems. But it did open the door of hope.
Debbie and Alberto now had a place to begin. They knew how to build their marriage on a biblical foundation, but needed help in practicing new ways to relate. “I had to swallow my pride,” Alberto says, “I needed to go and seek help.” They began meeting with a Christian counselor.
Believers in preventive care, the Rodriguezes made a commitment to never allow their marriage to go on life support again. That’s why they went to a Weekend to Remember getaway every year for more than a decade. “Every time we went, God would bring up something in particular that was important to us,” Alberto says, “… and we would work on that.” They also bought marriage books and did everything they could to help their relationship grow.
After their marriage started getting healthier, they caught a vision for what God had done for them and what He could do through them. They began leading The Art of Marriage® Connect Bible studies for couples [then called the HomeBuilders Couples Series®]. Debbie laughs and says they especially liked the study Resolving Conflict in Marriage. They led small groups with people in their church and in the community.
And they got involved with FamilyLife, working with Dr. Leonel and Miriam Motta, directors for FamilyLife in Latin America. “Our marriage was changed forever, thanks to FamilyLife,” Alberto says, “and we wanted to let others have the same opportunity that we had.”
The Rodriguezes and Mottas led a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway in Puerto Rico. And they launched some of The Art of Marriage Connect small group Bible studies in churches. Debbie also translated some FamilyLife resources into Spanish: Building Your Marriage, A Way of Hope,Keeping Your Covenant, Resurrection Eggs®, and more.
“Just take some children”
One powerful experience for Alberto and Debbie began in 2003 when they learned about a mother in their hometown who was hospitalized and dying from cancer. She had 10 children and a grandmother was doing her best to care for them. Debbie, Alberto, and their three kids decided that they would spend a day with this large family and do their best to help.
When they arrived at the grandmother’s home, it was chaotic. “The grandmother is crying from the minute I walked in,” Debbie says. “Her only daughter is dying of cancer.”
Before they left Alberto said to the grandmother, “We feel compelled to help.” He was thinking that he could possibly write a check. But instead she said, “Just take some children. My daughter is in the hospital. I don’t sleep. I am up with children all night.”
“So we walked out of there with the baby,” Debbie says. “He was the one who was keeping her up all night.” A few months later, all 10 children were living with Debbie and Alberto because their mother had taken a turn for the worse. Before she died in 2004, the Rodriguezes had guardianship for all of the kids.
It took years, but Debbie and Alberto placed nine of the children with other families in their church. And they adopted the baby.
Looking back
Imagine what would have happened if Alberto didn’t fight for his marriage back in 1988? What chain of events would have occurred if Debbie had refused to go to that first Weekend to Remember marriage getaway? What would the lives of the Rodriguezes and countless others be like if Debbie and Alberto had not learned about God’s plan for marriage … and then put His design into practice?
“Our lives would have been destroyed,” Debbie says. “… We would have never seen the redemption of these 10 children … have seen our other children just really thrive in what God has in their lives.”
Still living near Hartford, Debbie and Alberto will be forever grateful for FamilyLife. She says it was a lifesaver God threw in front of Alberto and her, through some friends who cared.
When I meet with a husband and a wife whose marriage is unraveling, I initially feel as discouraged as the two people sitting in front of me. Puzzling over the impasse, I pray for insight, any insight that might reverse the deterioration of a marriage.
Often, and quite unexpectedly, a light switches on in my mind: God can mend this union. Yes, He can. He alone can. And I turn to the couple and beg them to believe in the reviving power of God.
When they respond in humility, defensive thoughts and combative words suddenly give way to contrite hearts, and the two begin to ask God for the miracle of healing, “Heavenly Father, do what only You can do; restore this union!” Later, as the couple is drinking in drafts of divine compassion, it occurs to me that it was only when they humbly confessed their sin and sought the restoration of heaven that their union began to take a turn for the better. Despairing of their own abilities, they sought help from God. And God answered.
Disunity, then, can be a springboard to unity. What a thrilling paradox! This means that no couple, no matter how battered by marital failure, should ever relinquish hope. When resentment and bitterness have become chronic and temptation to retreat into a defensive shell becomes almost irresistible, when neither husband nor wife is willing to concede an advantage to the other, when tempers flare and spirits plummet—it is especially then that two partners can be on the cusp of victory.
Their eyes begin to look heavenward. Their hearts begin to soften. Prayers are offered. Trickles of divine love begin to seep into their souls. The trickles then become torrents. Husband and wife, for the first time in a long time, begin to pour the love of Christ into each other.
A miracle is taking place. Tongues begin to loosen and tender words are spoken, words which only days before—perhaps only moments before—were locked away in a tightly sealed vault. Apologies are offered. Forgiveness is granted. Who was right and who was wrong—it no longer matters. The improbable is taking place. A new bond is forming and it is tighter and more beautiful than ever before, a bond arising from the ashes of disunity and despair.
Have you experienced the miracle of a resurrected marriage? Have you been guided back to the trail by a merciful God? Have you cried out humbly for the victory only He can provide? Have you pleaded for the gift of divine help? It is a prayer God wants to answer. It is a prayer God will answer. And when He does, your union will become a masterpiece of His glory.
The wonder of oneness
In a world limping along, in a fog of loveless relationships, where the majority of partnerships succumb to the storms of self-interest, a marriage topped up and overflowing with the love of Christ stands out like a radiant beacon against the darkest night. Nothing is more impressive. And people will notice. They will behold such a marriage with wonder and give praise to God.
Listen to the praise offered by a well-traveled George Whitefield after observing carefully the marriage of Jonathon and Sarah Edwards: “A sweeter couple I have not yet seen. It causes me to renew those prayers, which, for some months, I have put up to God that He would be pleased to send me a daughter of Abraham to be my wife.”
Or imagine my own wonder when reading the Christmas greeting of a friend whose mate had long borne the travails of an incapacitating disease: “My time is taken up with caring for a very courageous wife as she struggles to cope with the ravages of multiple sclerosis. When she feels frustrated because of the time necessary for her care and says, ‘I wish you could get back to your own work,’ I reply, ‘Caring for you is my work,’ We remain supremely happy together.” Yes, supremely happy together—happy in the daily expression of the self-giving love of the Lord, a love which in turn brings happiness to everyone blessed to see it.
Why does true marital love move our hearts so deeply? It is because it awakens memories of the only thing that really nourishes a human heart: divine love. We were made to receive God’s love, and we were made to pour it out into others. When we see it happening in marriage—a relationship perfectly suited to the giving and the receiving of divine love—it ministers deeply to our hearts.
The love of God … imbibed. The love of God … imparted. As human beings, this is our raison d’être, and it is the foundation of every good marriage. C. S. Lewis put it well: “When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall … not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.”
When husbands and wives drink deeply from the well of God’s love, they inevitably pour that love into each other. Oneness with God produces oneness with each other.
It’s never too late
Is this kind of unity in any marriages you know? Is it—if you are married—in yours? It can be. It is never too late. You can be “remarried” today for the glory of God. Humbly confess to the Lord the self-centeredness of your heart and ask Him to fill you with the love of Christ.
Nor is it ever too soon. If you are hoping to marry or have recently become married, bow before the Lord and ask Him for the gift of His love and prepare yourself for the miracle of one flesh.
After 18 years of marriage, Scott Garmon woke up one morning, looked at his sleeping wife and thought, Who is this woman lying next to me? He began to weep. He felt something inside of him was missing.
Whatever threads of feeling Scott once had for Suzette had long disappeared. Isolated … lonely, Scott had felt disrespected by Suzette throughout their entire marriage. But Suzette was oblivious to her husband’s despair.
Scott became more and more disconnected from Suzette. Although he wore a smile at church and work, he believed his marriage was doomed. A few months before their twentieth anniversary, he went on a weekend renewal retreat for men. God, if You are here, he prayed, show up, because I’m at the point where I’m ready to walk away and give up on life.
When Scott returned home he had a glimmer of hope for his marriage. But that hope dimmed after he told his wife that he wanted to go on a short mission trip to Africa. “No, you’re not!” she said.
From the expression on his face, Suzette was jerked into reality. She realized she didn’t really know her husband. In her mind, she was Scott’s wife and he was supposed to make her happy.
Both Scott and Suzette had come to the same conclusion: Their marriage was in deep trouble.
“You’re not meant to break up”
After months of fighting with Scott, Suzette told a dear friend, Dana, about their hurtful arguments. “You need to go to a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember®” Dana said. “You’re not meant to break up; you’ve been together too long.”
Reluctantly the Garmons agreed to attend a Weekend to Remember getaway in November 2005. They went purely out of an obligation to Dana and her husband, who had surprised them by paying for their registration. At the time, Scott had no desire to live the rest of his life with Suzette. He was secretly making plans to divorce her.
During the weekend, while learning about God’s purposes for marriage, the couples were assigned to write love letters to each other. Suzette didn’t even know how to begin. She told God that she didn’t understand how to be a good wife and promised she would do whatever it took to save her marriage.
After praying, Suzette had an overwhelming sense of peace. She sensed God saying, Your marriage will make it, but it’s going to be hard. Suzette didn’t care how hard it would be. She was determined not to lose Scott.
When the getaway ended on Sunday, Suzette told Scott that she had changed. “We’re going to make it! We’re going to be okay!” She also said she had checked a box on the evaluation form indicating that she wanted to join the FamilyLife volunteer team.
Scott looked at Suzette with disbelief. “I am not going to volunteer for this organization.” He said if she happened to be recognized as a volunteer at the event in 2006, she’d either be alone or with another man.
The test of a lifetime
Suzette began to read Love and Respect, a book that she had purchased at the getaway. She learned that God made Scott with a special need for respect and that she had been created with a special need for love. She recognized how she had repeatedly disrespected Scott over the years and vowed that, with God’s help, she would show him unconditional respect.
Suzette did her best to please her husband, but he would respond by saying, “I don’t love you!” He constantly told her, “You need to find another man.” He even suggested that she find “one of those rich, divorced fathers” at the school where she worked, and start dating him.
“No, you’re my man,” she’d say. “I’m not leaving you.”
Sometimes when she left for work, Scott stood at the door and yelled, “I don’t love you. I don’t care if you come back.”
When that happened Suzette cried all the way to work. God, this is so hard, she prayed, but I know You want me to do this.
On December 20, 2005, Suzette began to doubt if her marriage would make it. That’s the day when she found some e-mails Scott had sent to his old high school girlfriend. Suzette read a long poem that he had written to the woman, “What if you had been the one I had been with?”
“It just killed me,” Suzette says.
Overcome with emotion, she shoved the computer screen to the floor. Was there any hope?
New hope
Thinking about giving up on her marriage, Suzette called her friend Dana.
“You’ve got to stay strong,” Dana said. “You can get through this.”
For the next four days Suzette had plenty of time to think about Dana’s words; she and Scott were not speaking to one another. Then, on Christmas Eve, as Scott put the children’s bikes together, Suzette walked up to him and said, “I want to make love to you.”
Suzette explains that she sensed God telling her to love her husband no matter what he had done. “So I had to just keep doing things like that, and that would amaze him,” she says.
After two months of testing his wife’s claim to be a changed woman, Scott stopped taunting her, thinking, There is something different here.
Suzette had new hope for her marriage when Scott gave her a Valentine’s Day gift. “Are you coming around?” she asked.
“No,” he said. “That’s just for the memories I used to have.”
It was a start.
Several months later, when Scott told his wife that he wanted to go on a mission trip to East Asia, this time she replied, “I want you to go.” He was stunned.
On a prayer walk during his mission trip, Scott realized that he had been wrong to want to do mission work when he was abandoning his first mission field—his family. God reminded Scott not to throw away His gifts of Suzette and their children.
When Scott returned home, he told Suzette that he knew that God wanted them to stay together. Then he added, “I don’t love you. I feel nothing for you. I am here on faith because God said ‘Go home.’”
Suzette continued trusting God.
The turning point
Two weeks after Scott returned from East Asia, he and Suzette sat at church like wooden bookends. Their children were seated between them. As the minister began his sermon, Scott reflected on something he had learned at the Weekend to Remember: Love is not a feeling, but a choice. He bowed his head and begged God to help him once again feel love for his wife.
After his prayer, Scott whispered to the children, “Move, I’ve got to get over there near your mother.” Suzette was shocked as he scooted near her side. Some people seated nearby turned to see what was going on.
Scott faced his wife, “I love you again! It’s all coming back. I love you more than I ever have.”
Scott had finally joined Suzette in the fight to save their marriage.
Over the following months he and Suzette worked through their many problems. Little by little God transformed their relationship. Scott even joined Suzette on the FamilyLife volunteer team to help promote the Weekend to Remember.
And when Scott and Suzette went to their second Weekend to Remember in 2006, and the local volunteers were asked to come to the stage to be recognized, Scott and Suzette walked to the front of the hotel ballroom … together.
Al Hardin was perplexed. He knew his wife, Dolores, was a feminist with dreams of becoming a career woman. She had earned her GED, finished business school, and was full of resentment toward men. They had been mutually separated for 30 days, and he figured they would get a divorce.
But now Dolores had approached him with an amazing offer. If they would stay together, she would do anything he wanted—as long as it wasn’t illegal or immoral. She would allow him to be the leader in the home, a position she had fought for all their married lives. In effect, Al thought, she would be his slave.
So what had gotten into Dolores?
Al and Dolores, of Dallas, Texas, started out as high school sweethearts. They met at a party and continued to date until Dolores became pregnant during 10th grade. Dolores wanted to give the baby up for adoption because she thought a child would keep her from fulfilling her dream of going to college, but Al wanted to get married. And Dolores’ father wouldn’t allow the adoption anyway. As soon as she turned 17, the two were married by the justice of the peace.
“We started out like many couples do,” Al says. “We wanted a marriage of equals, a 50/50 partnership. The only problem is that when you don’t agree on anything, you hit right in the middle all the time, and you’re fighting over who has the 51 percent on that particular issue.”
Dolores thought that being a housewife and stay-at-home mom was demeaning. But with a small child and a lack of funds, finishing school and pursuing a career was not an option at the time. Feminism became her anchor. “I bought it hook, line, and sinker, and I was very angry with men as a result,” Dolores says.
On rocky ground
Fourteen years later, Al was the chairman and CEO of a nationwide company, and they had all the money they needed. But their marriage was on rocky ground. Al wanted a divorce, but he was worried it might hurt his reputation. “I just couldn’t go out and get a divorce in 1980,” Al says. “It still had a major stigma. I could have a divorce as long as it wasn’t my fault, but I couldn’t file for it.” So, Al and Dolores separated for 30 days. They would decide then if they should stay married or not.
Dolores learned that Al was spending more and more time with the wife of a friend. This woman appeared to be a better companion for Al and had more influence over him than Dolores did. “She was the kind of woman that was interested in home, children, and families,” Dolores says, “and I wasn’t anything like that.” Her focus had always been on her career and her feminist ideals.
Dolores tried to win her husband back by flirting with other men and showing him that she was still attractive, but it didn’t work. “The point was, he didn’t care,” Dolores says. “If he lost me, he had more to gain down the road.”
Al got an apartment so he would have a place to live after the divorce, but instead of allowing Al to live there during the separation, Dolores insisted on moving there herself out of fear that Al would take his female friend to his new accommodations and develop that relationship even more.
Dolores had just graduated from business school and didn’t have a job. She didn’t know what she was going to do with her life, and her husband was seeking attention from another woman. So when she moved out of her home, she was looking for answers. She remembered a former housekeeper who would listen to a Christian radio station while she worked.
“Nobody else had any answers,” Dolores says. “Cosmopolitan and New Woman and Gloria Steinem didn’t have any answers for me. Every time I did what they said, my head was just pushed down into the mud, and I was suffocating.”
Dolores found the station and listened to a program. She felt as if it was custom-made for her that day, addressing all the issues that she was currently facing. She listened to that station about 20 hours a day. “I didn’t contact my friends because I already had enough fuel and enough anger for an army of women,” Dolores recalls. “My friends became those people on the radio station.”
At some point the gospel was presented over the airways, and Dolores made a decision to receive Christ as her Savior and Lord. “I prayed that the Lord would be my Savior and heal my marriage, but even if He didn’t heal it, I wanted to follow Him because I couldn’t make it any worse. He could only make it better,” Dolores says.
A radical proposal
By the end of the 30 days, Al was ready to get a divorce, but Dolores had something else in mind. She made the offer to move back in with him and make him the master of their home. She would make no more demands and be completely submissive.
Al had been in contact with the divorce attorney, so he knew that since Dolores had voluntarily moved out, under Texas law that was considered abandonment of their child and it guaranteed custody of their son to Al. “If I invited her back, it would be as if she never left, so on one hand I was thinking custody, and on the other hand, I was thinking slave,” Al says. He decided to invite her back with two radical conditions. First, she had to keep her bags packed, and second, she had to agree to leave if she ever disobeyed him. Dolores agreed and moved back into the house.
In the weeks to follow, Al tried to make life miserable for Dolores. He would go on business trips without telling her that he was going. “One of the rules was she couldn’t call me at the office,” Al says, “so she didn’t know if I had run off or died or if I was never coming back. But I would come back Friday afternoon, and she would kiss me on the cheek and say, ‘I hope you had a wonderful day. I missed you this week. I’m glad you’re home safe and sound.'” Anytime Dolores asked for virtually anything, she met with an unfeeling, but firm “No.”
Other rules included asking for permission to talk on the phone, go to the grocery store, or leave the house for any reason. “I just wanted to make her miserable,” Al says, “because if she didn’t do something that I told her, I could throw those bags out on the front porch and she’d leave. But she did everything absolutely perfectly. I remained distant, cold, and unfeeling to Dolores but warm and hospitable to everyone else.”
Dolores realizes that her story is an example of going to the extreme to save her marriage, but she sees it as God’s way of showing her extreme grace through a lesson in humility. “You have to remember, I was the feminist,” Dolores says. “I wanted equal status. I had just struggled, got my GED, got my degree, graduated with honors. I was going to tear up the world. I had a problem with pride. So God had to teach me a lesson, and my husband was the instrument to do it.”
Dolores found her strength by attending a weekly Bible study with her sister, something that Al never denied her. “That was my shot in the arm,” Dolores says. “Every week, I could just… have a love affair with the Lord Jesus.”
‘I was attracted to her again’
By the end of that year, Al had seen a change in Dolores. She was no longer the career-driven, me-focused feminist. “She was better than the woman I had hoped I’d marry. I was attracted to her again, and I was seeing things that I didn’t know could exist.”
He was curious about what caused such a change. Their lifestyle was basically the same, and the only thing new was the fact that Dolores was going to the Bible study. He decided to attend the study with Dolores and sat in the back corner, just to listen. The next week he came and asked to sit in the circle but not to answer any questions. The third time he came, he asked Jesus Christ to be his Lord and Savior. “I realized that it was really not my wife that I was seeing, but it was the reflection of Jesus Christ that I was seeing in her,” Al says. “I first fell in love with that man, that God named Jesus Christ, and then I fell in love again with my wife.”
Al and Dolores were brand new people with a brand new marriage. The anger and resentment in Dolores was gone, and Al had a new purpose in life. But a year and a half later, they realized they needed to learn what a godly relationship between a husband and a wife ought to be.
Dolores heard on the radio about one of FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways in Dallas. “It was a door opener for things I didn’t even dare to crack,” Dolores says. They were able to talk about things and to verbalize feelings that they were never able to discuss before. The one-on-one time during the weekend was particularly important as they talked and cried their way through different issues in their marriage.
“That conference changed our marriage,” Al says. Each of the speakers talked about things that addressed the very issues they were facing at the time. “I was already embarrassed by the way I had treated Dolores, but I didn’t know how to treat her,” Al says. He needed someone to come alongside him and show him how to be a godly husband, and FamilyLife and Dennis Rainey provided the mentoring he needed.
“FamilyLife was an asset on the journey to the tremendous marriage that we have today,” says Dolores. Al learned to be a servant leader, and Dolores learned to guide without being overbearing, and these principles have continued throughout their marriage.
The Hardins have now been married for over 46 years, “not long enough,” according to Al, and they haven’t forgotten the lesson that God brought them through. They have a godly marriage, based on biblical roles, and they are more content in their relationship than ever. “I’m the most blessed man who has ever lived, ever,” says Al.
The Hardins continue to build into their marriage and into the marriages of others, even sending employees from Al’s business to the Weekend to Remember, and they continue to attend for themselves. “I learn something new every time I go,” Al says. The getaways “build into our lives, so we can take what we learn and build into others’ lives the same way.”
Words matter. As soon as God created mankind, he engaged him verbally. Merely speaking with (not at) people can affirm their existence. You talk to me; therefore, in a sense, I am. Simply greeting someone who walks through a room can be affirming to the individual and uplifting to everyone in the environment.
And like water to a dry garden, speech has the strange and wonderful power to penetrate the soul and bring refreshment. A good word overcomes anxiety: “Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad” (Proverbs 12:25).
Words have been endowed with the capacity to change lives, to bring arresting transformation. They have the curious and uncanny power to make living things die or bring dead things to life: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (Proverbs 18:21).
Practicing the following list will not give you the life of Christ or transform your heart so that you want to be an affirming person. But if you have the life of Christ in you and you want to be a blessing to others, the following list might assist you to that end. A list will not save you, but if you are saved, you might find this list of ideas on how to affirm others useful:
1. Loan a young person your keys. Or give him his own key.
2. At a committee or board meeting, before moving on to the next agenda item, stop to commend those who worked on the previous item.
3. Write a personal letter or note card that an employee can take home or put in a personnel file. Keep a supply of such blank note cards in your desk for just such a purpose. E-mails will do, but they are less likely to be pinned up on workspace walls or put in a portfolio.
4. Commend the wisdom and helpfulness of a suggestion somebody has made, especially when the suggester has offered to be a part of a solution to a problem.
5. Explain that what inspired you to do some good thing was the other person’s example. “I brought coffee cake for the office because I see how much the staff enjoys it when you consistently do thoughtful things.”
6. Don’t talk down to people; talk up to them. Consider them better than you. “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). “You probably already know this, but …”
7. Just as God decisively chose Paul in Acts 9, tell your spouse, “I chose you, and I still do.”
8. Write to children. An enthusiastic and thankful mother of some youngsters wrote me after I had first written her young sons, thanking them for their hospitality in serving me a muffin when I visited their home for an interview related to child dedications at our church. To show the significance of my note (and stickers) sent to the boys, she quoted one of them as saying, “Tall men don’t usually send you letters.” It is hard to calculate the lasting effect of an affirmation given to a child.
9. Share a valuable secret of yours, making it known to the other person that very few others (if any) have been invited into this inner circle of those considered trustworthy.
10. Loan something of value—books, camping gear, a car, a cabin—as a signal of your willingness to take a risk, having noticed something in the other person that elevates your confidence in her trustworthiness.
11. Think of something that is normally not praised, because it is simply expected—like refilling the soap dispensers in the church restrooms. Customarily, those who have responsibilities for such things as refilling soap dispensers only hear from people when the dispensers are empty. Be the one to notice that they are not empty, and commend the faithfulness of the worker who serves others behind the scenes.
12. In the next birthday card or Christmas card you send, include a personal note commending some Christlike quality you observe in the recipient.
13. Commend someone for the (sensitivity, kindness, compassion, etc.) with which he treated a third party. You noticed, and so does God.
14. Quote someone positively in his presence. “I agree with Jacob here, who said … ”
15. Shannon Archer, a mother of several young children in our church, affirms her own children by affirming all children who demonstrate certain character qualities, saying within earshot of her children, “I’m so pleased with children who put away their things (or speak kindly to their siblings, or …)” when she sees one of them behaving in that very way. Talking this way affirms the child in question, explicitly elevates the principle being taught and applied, and holds out hope to other children who might be eavesdropping that if they demonstrate the same kind of character, they too will please Mommy.
16. Get up from your chair, go to another room, seek out a person, and simply say something like, “I just came to say ‘hi’ (or ‘good morning,’ or ‘have a great day,’ or ‘I appreciate you for …’).” Admittedly, in some relationships that may seem forced, but it will generally be welcomed as a light-hearted affirmation of a person’s existence.
17. Say, “I thank God for you.”
18. When asked to do a chore, consider saying something like, “Nothing would give me more pleasure right now than doing this for you.” Serving someone can be affirming of them.
19. Nominate someone for an office or post—based upon her integrity, dependability, or trustworthiness.
20. Ask someone’s advice.
Do you see? There is fruit to be harvested as a consequence of how we speak. God has designed speech in accordance with the law of the harvest: Reaping follows planting, the crop matches the seed sown, and the harvest is greater in quantity than the amount sown. Harvests and seeds: ends and means to ends. That’s the way God designed it. Speech yields reactions; therefore, “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble” (Proverbs 21:23).
Barbara and I had been married only a few years when we led our first group using *FamilyLife’s HomeBuilders Couples Series®. We had each gone through a painful divorce and were determined to protect our new marriage. We promised one another that we’d do something every year to strengthen our relationship, and HomeBuilders seemed to be that perfect “something.”
We had no idea that God would use an unlikely couple like us to launch a legacy of spiritual multiplication through HomeBuilders. In 2002 Skid and Sherri Logan challenged Barbara and me with the vision of one couple reaching others for Christ. Five years later, we estimate that nearly 200 couples have gone through the marriage and parenting studies since we began. It has completely transformed the lives and marriages of so many who have learned with us!
HomeBuilders has transformed our own marriage by helping us communicate in areas we would likely have never discussed. It’s taught us how to seek oneness by correctly and quickly resolving conflict—a key to avoiding walls of isolation. And we’ve learned about the unique way God created each of us. I’m certain that He created Barbara for me as His special gift of love!
God has used HomeBuilders to make “beauty from ashes” and to form us into “trophies of His grace.” Today, we don’t just talk about our children and exchange facts about our day. We actually discuss our dreams, fears, frustrations and desires. HomeBuilders has deepened our friendship and strengthened our relationship.
The kids love that we are involved in HomeBuilders, and they pray for the couples in our group. They really like it when their friends’ parents are in our study. They feel it’s their way of ministering to their friends.
HomeBuilders works
Barbara and I continue leading HomeBuilders groups because they work. One of the couples we invited to join us in leading HomeBuilders groups is Reggie and Belinda Jackson. Reggie works as a cement truck driver and Belinda attends school and home schools some of their children. They are also foster parents.
We had so many people respond to one of our HomeBuilders orientations that we didn’t have enough facilitators. So Reggie and Belinda agreed to step out and lead a study. They began in their home, ministering to several couples in their area.
Shortly after they started their first HomeBuilders group, the Jacksons worked as volunteers with Barbara and me at the Weekend to Remember in Orlando. We met another couple there, Lee and Andrea Ogletree, who were excited by what they heard at the conference. They wanted to begin a HomeBuilders group, so I challenged Reggie and Belinda to help them get their group going. The Jacksons accepted the challenge while continuing their own group. In the last year, Reggie and Belinda have helped the Ogletrees begin three other HomeBuilders groups.
Our original group of nine couples has expanded to nine groups today that are active in our church. One of these groups is getting ready to birth two more. We’ve also helped several other churches get HomeBuilders started and have provided trainings about starting and leading HomeBuilders studies. Barbara and I have personally gone through the studies with over 35 different couples and have matured 11 different HomeBuilders leaders out of those groups—including my own parents.
Extreme makeovers
Mom and Dad have a couple in their group who have been married only two weeks, and another couple who have been married for 64 years. This year, my parents celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary, and they are more in love now than when they first got married.
I have seen God raise the dead, heal the wounded, strengthen the weak, encourage the fainthearted and strengthen the strong, all in the setting of our HomeBuilders groups. Husbands and wives have rediscovered each other and uncovered the beautiful treasures tragically buried in years of neglect. God has used these studies to reveal Himself to several and has allowed us the privilege of praying with some to invite Jesus into their lives and marriages. Talk about an extreme home makeover! God is an incredible architect and contractor.
Tethering the cities of Fort Worth and Dallas to each other is a series of freeways. One is named after the great Dallas Cowboys coach—the Tom Landry Parkway. It slices its way through hills peppered with mesquite between the two great cities.
Now what I’m about to describe did not actually happen, but for a moment I want you to imagine a hearse traveling from Dallas to Fort Worth on the Tom Landry Parkway with a motorcade of three or four hundred cars following behind it. And standing on both sides of the road, as far as the eye can see, is a line of husbands and wives, heads bowed. More than 90,000 people paying tribute to a couple who cared about their lives, marriages, and families.
Wouldn’t you want to know who was in that hearse? Wouldn’t you want to know more of the story behind one man’s legacy and the wife who shared in it with him?
Endless bickering
To do so, we must go back to 1985 and a couple whose marriage was on life support. Stale religion and a quiet bitterness were about all that Skip and Becky Leffler shared. That wasn’t why they had married, but it was what had become of their relationship. Skip was a quiet man, a banker. Becky was an outgoing mother of two, who had lost all hope of ever having a real marriage with the person who once was the man of her dreams. Both were ready to split the sheets and the assets and stop the endless bickering and quarreling.
No one at church knew. But two of Becky’s friends did. One told Becky, “I wonder if you will ever smile again.”
On this night 25 years ago, Skip and Becky sat in a hotel ballroom, arms folded and jaws set. They were surrounded by 1,500 other people—people who were there to find out how to be more than “just married.” But they were like two enemies in battlefield bunkers, ready to face off against each other.
Even though they attended church regularly and Skip was the chairman of the board at church, Becky had never heard anything like the messages she heard that weekend. She sat there and sobbed during the entire conference as she realized how far they had truly missed God’s plan for their marriage.
Skip left that conference convicted, but not quite ready to assume his responsibility. But Becky determined she was going to stay in the marriage regardless of “that man.”
She remembered the teaching about I Peter 3:9, “Don’t return evil for evil or insult for insult, but give a blessing instead.” Her initial response was, “God, I don’t want to be called to do this.” But she went home and placed that Scripture on the wall, gritted her teeth, and asked God for a miracle, beginning in her heart.
A year later, Skip and Becky returned to the Weekend to Remember®, this time with a glimmer of hope. This time Skip said, “Okay, we’re going to make this work.”
Even then, there were times when the relationship wasn’t working. Becky caustically warned Skip, “You’d better enjoy this Christmas, because it’s going to be your last one!”
Skip didn’t leave.
Becky didn’t quit.
A total surprise
They returned to the Weekend to Remember a third time in 1987, still struggling. But when a speaker asked the audience for volunteers to help promote the conference the following year, Skip totally surprised Becky by volunteering. “Skip had never volunteered for anything,” she remembers. Although it was unnatural, Becky kept her mouth shut when Skip said, “We need to go talk to that man about helping with the Fort Worth conference.” And they did.
A year later they took over the local leadership of the conference as volunteer city ministry directors. God had transformed two bunkers into a platform for ministry.
Becky said, “Skip and I would tell couples that … if we hadn’t been through the tough times, we would not have been serving. Our tough times gave us the validity to minister to others. We knew our tough times gave us purpose … He had a plan.”
But Skip and Becky didn’t wallow in the failures of the past; they resolutely began to make strides in their marriage and pass it on to others. It wasn’t long before they were teaching marriage and family classes at church, leading small groups using the HomeBuilders Couples Series®, and training leaders to lead more groups. Working together with the same goal, they slowly grew closer to God and each other.
In fact, it wasn’t long before they found themselves in charge of all the Weekend to Remember conferences in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex, with thousands coming each year. Skip and Becky built a volunteer team of nearly 100 who would help promote the conference and build marriages in the Metroplex. Over 90,000 people attended in the years that followed. Last year, more than 4,000 came to the Gaylord Texan over Valentine’s Day weekend for the biggest Weekend to Remember conference in the history of FamilyLife.
A last dance
Skip and Becky, and their team of volunteers, were planning on a big event at the Gaylord Texan in June. In late January, on a Thursday night after Skip came home from a number of meetings, Becky asked Skip for just one dance in their living room. One dance turned into five as the two enjoyed the last hours they would share on this side of heaven. The next morning Skip went to work just as he always had, but was killed in a tragic car wreck.
A week later, at lunch right before Skip’s memorial service, Barbara and I sat at lunch with Becky. She commented at one point, “Skip could not have done a better job of loving me.” What a love story they wrote over the last 25 years after nearly coming to divorce. I reflected on Becky’s statement privately and wondered, Could Barbara say that about me?
Later, I would be one of the seven men who gave tributes to a man who left a mighty legacy at home, at work, and in his community. It was the only memorial service I’ve ever attended where, at Becky’s request, the Weekend to Remember was promoted by one of those men.
After Skip’s death, Becky found some notes from Skip in which he underlined the phrase, “Changed Life Junkies!!” He was planning to give a pep talk to the local team of volunteers to remember that God would use them to change lives.
Rather than giving in to the cultural pressures and divorcing his wife, Skip Leffler left a very different legacy. And he made an impact on many whose legacies will never be the same.
Skip’s legacy reminds me of my life verse:
Praise the Lord! How blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in His commandments. His descendants will be mighty on earth; the generation of the upright will be blessed. Psalm 112:1-2
You’ve heard about the importance of mentoring younger couples, and you’re even willing to give it a try, but you’re scared. Perhaps you’ve had problems in your own marriage that need to be solved. You’ve messed up in the past, and you’re not sure if you’re worthy to teach others how to do things “the right way.”
It’s true that mentoring is not for everyone—there are some couples who have serious problems that need to be worked out. But if you are in a growing, working marriage, you may be the perfect candidate to mentor younger couples in your church…especially if you’ve messed up in the past.
Mentoring isn’t about having a perfect marriage. No one’s marriage is perfect because none of us is perfect. But there is a difference in a marriage that is growing and one that is not.
Jerry and Naoma McCartney of Little Rock, Ark., have mentored dozens of couples in the past five years through newlywed small groups, marriage preparation classes, and friendships with young people that they meet through their children and church activities. They suggest asking yourself, “Is Ephesians 5:22-33 teaching me on a daily basis? Am I applying everything I teach others to my own marriage?”
The McCartneys are referring to the passage that says:
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Having a growing marriage does not mean that you live out these principles perfectly, but that you strive to keep them as a standard. A couple that is ready to mentor others will be using these biblical standards as a guide in their own lives, not just teaching others, and they will have a passion to see others have healthy marriages.
David and Michelle Ready of El Cajon, Calif., have also been involved in a mentoring ministry at their church. The Readys have been officially mentoring young couples for more than 3 years and unofficially for more than 10. They describe a healthy marriage as one where the couple is “praying together, going to church together regularly, and are unified in areas of big decisions in life.”
Signs that you may not be ready to mentor
Although you may have the heart to mentor young couples eventually, if you are in a struggling marriage, you may need to work on your own relationship before helping others.
Some symptoms of unhealthy marriages include disunity, constant bickering and fighting, and frequent miscommunications. If you considered receiving counseling to settle your differences or can’t find a way to agree on large decisions, then at this time, it may be more important to find a mentor than to be one.
Also, if you are struggling with issues like abuse, pornography, workaholism, or other areas of sin, then you need to work on seeking help for your own marriage.
If you have the heart to find healing for your marriage and the humility to seek help, God will restore your marriage and may even use the lessons you learned during these times of struggle to help you one day mentor others.
Other requirements for mentoring
Mentoring requires more than just a healthy marriage. It requires the right heart and a lot of hard work. If you are interested in mentoring, ask yourself if these three requirements match your desires.
First, you must have a heart for people. Mentoring requires relationship. Anyone can teach principles, but only a mentor is willing to make an investment in peoples’ lives. This often requires time, money, and emotional pain.
“One young lady who was studying to be a family counselor signed up to be a mentor at our church,” David says, “and we turned her away. She wanted to use our program to get credits for her degree, but she had no interest in the success of the couples. She saw it more as a position, instead of a ministry.”
Jerry and Naoma agree. “You have to want to see people succeed,” Jerry says. “Your heart should want to see them change and accomplish things.”
Second, you must be willing to share your failures and your successes. The Skyline Church in Southern California has a very successful mentoring program. They pair mentorees with mentors who have gone through similar struggles. For example, those couples who are nearing divorce are paired with a mentor couple who also threatened divorce but received healing.
The shared experiences help struggling couples realize that there is hope, but none of this would work if the mentors weren’t willing to open up and share the hard, personal things in their lives.
“Mentoring is like discipleship,” David says. “We want couples who live out what scripture says and who can be an encouragement to others by saying, ‘We got through this, you can, too!'”
Third, you must be willing to listen. The purpose of being a mentor is not necessarily to teach but to guide, and oftentimes, a couple can work out their own problems if you just facilitate enough communication. “Many times a spouse just needs to use you as a sounding board,” David says. “They are talking to you, but they really want their spouse to hear what is being said.”
A listening ear can often be more helpful than a mouth full of advice. “Remember, you’re not trying to fix their problems,” Naoma says. “You are not God and you are not their mom and dad. Only God can work out their problems. You are just there as a guide to point them in the right direction.”
If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, and you feel that you meet the criteria: a healthy marriage, a heart for people, and a willingness to share and listen, then you have everything to offer young couples. Won’t you consider being a mentor?
Sometimes you wonder how God could be directing the path of your life. And then, sometimes you don’t wonder at all. That’s because you just know. You look back over the weeks and months and years and think, God was there all along.
Take Jeff Brawley, for example. More than 30 years ago Jeff felt that God had something special for him to do. But because college wasn’t for him, he didn’t feel qualified to do “ministry.” So he got married to his childhood sweetheart, Sheila; started a successful welding business in Phillipsburg, Missouri; bought a farm; and began a family.
Then came the day we all remember, September 11, 2001. Sitting in the comfort of his Missouri office, Jeff watched the Twin Towers collapse. He saw terrified men and women, moms and dads, husbands and wives running through the streets. With blinding soot all around them, some ran into churches. He saw their fear. Felt their terror. Imagined their questions.
That was a defining moment for Jeff Brawley. Like the collapsing towers, his goal of having a comfortable life had crumbled.
“Show me what I need to know”
On the morning of September 12, Jeff began what he calls his journey. He started a new routine of getting up at 5 a.m., opening his Bible, and petitioning God, Show me what I need to know. He began walking around his farm and praying—even in the sleet and snow.
An avid hunter and fisherman, over time he believed that God wanted him to use those passions to reach others for Christ. With the support of his pastor at Lebanon First Assembly (Lebanon, Missouri), he began an outreach for men.
Then about five years ago, both Jeff and Sheila woke up around 1 a.m. Feeling burdened for others, they asked God to give them direction for their lives. For four hours they took turns praying back and forth as they lay on their bed. They specifically asked God to use their marriage to reach others.
Remembering her parents’ once-rocky marriage, Sheila prayed they would have compassion for others. She told Jeff that she wished that they could be marriage counselors. Then she added, “But we’re neither one educated, so we could never [do that].”
About a year later, Jeff got involved with another men’s ministry. Although the meetings he organized were life-changing for thousands of men, Jeff realized that many had problems in their marriages. He and Sheila asked God, How can we help?
Presenting God’s design for marriage
Soon after, the Brawleys heard about FamilyLife’s Art of Marriage® which is designed for church and community settings. It consists of six videos that present God’s design for marriage in a fresh and engaging way.
Within three months they had organized their first Art of Marriage event at their church for 75 couples. In January 2013 Jeff and Sheila hosted another for 150 couples.
One of these couples had attended the first Art of Marriage event at a time when they were ready to call it quits with their marriage. The second year they laughed and cried as they celebrated what God had done in their lives.
Jeff and Sheila’s newlywed son, Dylon, and his wife also attended an Art of Marriage. “We knew it would be life changing for them,” Sheila says. “… and they loved it.”
And five couples who participated in the Brawleys’ second Art of Marriage brought it back to their different churches, located in five communities in southwest Missouri. Fifty couples attended one of these events.
Seeing what God has done through the Art of Marriage, the Brawleys are planning their third event for January 2014.
Touching lives
It’s now been more than 30 years since Jeff first thought that God had something special for him to do. Today he knows what that is. He and Sheila have an amazing ministry that has touched thousands of men and women, mothers and fathers, husbands and wives. When people ask them how to have strong marriages and families, they point them to God’s blueprints for life.
Since 9/11 Jeff has kept his morning appointment with the Lord. Every day he asks God to give him His heart … to show him what He seeks. “I started seeing people’s faces different. I started seeing the brokenness past the smiles.”
“We are supposed to be used as a tool by God to reach others,” Sheila says. “I just want God to use me.”
Nancy and I had been working on a volunteer project together for a few weeks. We enlisted some help from other women and formed a team, which Nancy led. The project seemed to be coming together well, but whenever there was a problem, Nancy became very hard to deal with. She started pointing fingers, losing her temper, and making the others feel very unappreciated.
When Nancy and I first met, we had a lot in common and got along nicely, but now she seemed like a totally different person. It appeared that her pride was getting in the way of her relationships. She wanted the project to come off perfectly, leaving no room for mistakes, and she was hurting all of us in the process.
I knew I needed to say something to my new friend, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. The Bible calls us to hold each other accountable for our actions. Galatians 6:1 (NIV) says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.” But what if Nancy was offended?
After all, I wasn’t perfect, either. What right did I have to confront her? I didn’t want to risk losing my friendship with her, and I didn’t want to be kicked off the project.
But I had also struggled with pride in my past, and I was thankful that others had confronted me about it. As Proverbs 25:12 says, “Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.” It wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew it would be good for her, like it was for me.
Before I decided to confront Nancy, I searched my heart to make sure I wasn’t harboring bitterness or jealousy against her. I wanted to be sure my motives were for her good and not to satisfy my own ego with retribution.
When I found my motives were pure, I set up a time to meet with her. Until the day of our meeting, I prayed. I asked God to give me clear words of wisdom during the confrontation.
When we met, I made sure to approach her with grace and humility. No one is perfect. All of us have had some kind of problem in our lives that needed to be addressed. And because Nancy was a Christian, I assumed that she would want to know if something was bothering me. Sometimes people are truly naïve of their actions, and they only need someone to be brave enough to help them see their mistake. Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” So I took a deep breath and made sure I wasn’t approaching her with my weapons drawn.
When we first sat down, I began to praise her strengths, choosing compliments that were sincere, not flattery. I said something like this:
Nancy, you are a great leader. You’re doing a great job with this project, and it looks like it’s coming along nicely. I can tell you have a great gift for administration and creative thinking.
As I began to share my concerns, I tried to show her that it wasn’t just for my benefit, but also for hers. My purpose wasn’t to condemn her or to make her feel guilty. I simply wanted to help her live a better life. As Romans 8:1 tells us, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Since Nancy is a believer, I could trust the Holy Spirit to convict her heart. I saw my sharing more as an opportunity to remind her of principles that she already knows. Next I said:
I’ve really enjoyed working with you on this project for the most part, but I’ve noticed that when things aren’t going the way you want them to, you get very upset and oftentimes blame your anger on the other women. I know that you want to put together a top-notch project, but I think you may be struggling with some pride issues, and you’re hurting relationships in your life as a result.
I didn’t stop there, though. Because I have fought pride in my own life, I admitted my faults to Nancy and gave her the grace that I would have wanted if the roles were reversed. I told her,
I’m not trying to condemn you. I know what it’s like to want excellence in everything, and I understand the pressure that comes when my name is on a project as the coordinator. It isn’t easy, and I understand that. But there were others that confronted me about my pride, and I was glad they did. That’s why I felt like I needed to say something today.
I explained how the Lord has helped me continually overcome that problem area in my life and what I’ve learned as a result. Then I invited any feedback that she had.
Nancy thanked me for being brave enough to talk to her. She had realized that the other women were upset, but no one had taken the time to tell her why. Nancy also told me that she had been confronted about pride in her life before, but she thought that she had overcome that area of sin. As a result of our conversation, she thought it must be time to revisit that topic and promised to make an effort to change.
We prayed together, and by the time I left the room there were no hard feelings between us. It would have been so easy to have talked to her in anger and frustration. But because I had not condemned her and spoke with compassion, we were both spared deep wounds. Nancy and I left with a new respect for each other that paved the way for future communication.
Did Nancy still struggle with her sin? Yes, but the confrontation was not wasted. Although there was no guarantee that my words would have any effect, the seeds had been planted. I gave the message to Nancy that God gave me, and my conscience was clear. In reality, the only One who can change a person is God as He works in hearts. As 1 Corinthians 12:6 says, “There are varieties of effects, but the same God who works all things in all persons.”
A divine appointment is a meeting with another person that has been specifically and unmistakably ordered by God. Yet I sometimes wonder how many of these supernaturally scheduled meetings I’ve missed because I didn’t have my spiritual radar turned on.
The Scriptures say, “The steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord.” After decades of walking (off and on, but mostly on) with God, I can tell you that seeing God set up these “appointments” is a thrill that is beyond comparison.
One of my friends in the ministry, Bill Howard, experienced such a heavenly appointment that I wanted to share an excerpt of his writing with you.
It all began with a routine trip to promote the Weekend to Remember conference in San Antonio, Texas . . .
As I was waiting for my plane, I noticed a man in his mid-20’s dressed in a red warm-up suit. He stood out because he was severely disfigured, an obvious victim of fire. I recall feeling compassion accompanied with a slight feeling of repulsiveness because of his grotesque appearance.
Little did I know that a friend was praying that I would have the opportunity to share Christ with someone on the plane that day. So, like the conductor of a symphony, God began to orchestrate circumstances to accomplish His purposes.
As we boarded the plane it became apparent that it was going to be a packed flight. A little annoyed, I arrived at my seat only to find that another man with a similar name had taken my seat. As I stood in the aisle and waited for the attendant to assign me another seat, I noticed that the disfigured man in the red warm-up suit had the same lot as me. I felt uncomfortable for him, as I watched people stare at his abnormal appearance. After all the other passengers were seated there were only two seats left on the entire plane . . . together in row seven.
Here I was sitting next to the very man at whom everyone had stared.
As the plane pulled out of the gate and taxied down the runway, I noticed that my disfigured neighbor was silent—staring out the window, arms folded in such a way to cover his mutilated hands. I couldn’t help but notice how the features on his face had all been apparently reconstructed. Although he wore sunglasses, they couldn’t conceal his eyebrow, which was located on his left cheek. The skin on his nose only partially covered his nostrils. His ears were almost nonexistent.
But it was his hands that startled me most. The fingers on both were completely gone. The left one was just a stub from his knuckles down and the skin was so thin that it appeared transparent. It looked like the doctors simply stretched what little skin he had left to cover his exposed hand. The right one was in the same condition, but even worse. It was bent back against his arm and looked as if he were trying to touch his elbow.
Sitting next to this man, I began to experience a number of emotions—thankfulness (that I was in one piece), compassion, and curiosity. I wondered what had happened to re-shape this young man’s body. I wanted to talk with him, but what if he rejected me—I’d feel like a jerk for intruding in his life. But I felt that familiar nudge from the Lord to at least try.
So I began a conversation. He said his name was Johnny and he had just been to Tucson to visit his girlfriend (names and places have been changed). She must be quite a woman, I thought.
When I apologetically asked if he would mind sharing his tragedy, he quickly responded, “No, not at all. I’d much rather have you talk with me than stare at me.” As I picked my pride up off the floor, he energetically began to tell me his story.
He and his father were taking a rest stop at a gas station in Eagle Pass, between Mexico and Texas. While they were waiting outside, a car pulled out in front of a gas-tanker truck. Avoiding the collision, the truck, full of fuel, jackknifed, rolled, and burst into flames, covering approximately 70 people with burning fuel. Johnny and his father were immediately covered and ignited. When I asked about Johnny’s hands, I was in awe by his reply. While engulfed in the flames, Johnny saw an old man pinned on the ground by a steel rod across his chest. Johnny walked over to the man and lifted the rod off his chest, literally burning Johnny’s hands off. I now had a genuine love and respect for this courageous man.
He went on to tell me that he spent over three years in the hospital. Upon getting out, he spent another four years in seclusion, due to the scars from his burns. A girl that he met during that time unconditionally loved him back into society.
Since that time he went on to explain that he has had over 130 operations—most to just keep him alive. Just that upcoming summer, Johnny was to receive a pair of artificial hands.
As he finished telling me his story, I couldn’t help but wonder if Johnny had ever considered God during his trauma. When I asked, he said he had, but had never heard of having a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. He wanted to know the God who had spared his life. As I shared “The Four Spiritual Laws” with him he was very attentive. He was eager to know of God’s forgiveness and love. As the plane landed in San Antonio, Johnny prayed with me, placing his faith in Christ as Savior and Lord.”
Bill concludes his story: “And so for Johnny, there was a moment when he saw his physical body nearly destroyed. All the medical technology in the world could not and will not make him a whole person. But there was another moment when Johnny trusted Christ, and instantaneously God renewed his soul and gave him the promise that his body shall be made new at the coming of Christ.”
Maybe you’re like me—I’ve been nudged by the Holy Spirit, but I rationalize away my responsibility to say anything. I wonder if the reason we see so little of the supernatural occurring in our lives is because we are unwilling to take the risks that come with walking and living by faith. We fear the rejection of man more than displeasing God.
Bill’s story has nudged me to pray more for the salvation of my neighbor, to ask a waitress at Wendy’s if she knew the man who made Christmas famous, and to talk more with my grandchildren about how they can be a missionary in their schools. In short, I’ve been more acutely aware that God is setting up divine appointments with me and people I get the privilege of talking to—and I don’t want to miss a single one.
May you and I be aware of the living God’s presence in our every day lives.
But the loving kindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children’s children to those who keep His covenant, and who remember His precepts to do them.
–Psalm 103:17-18
As you know, these are exciting times. One of the most exciting things for me to see is the influence that one family who is completely God’s can have on others.
You can see it when a couple receives God’s blueprints for the first time, and they commit their marriage and family to Christ. Then they help other couples do the same.
You can see it when your neighbors notice your lifestyle and ask about the hope that is within. They realize for the first time that a life not lived for God is in vain.
You can see it when children follow their parents’ example by following Christ and leading others to a relationship with Him. You’d probably agree…few things are more exciting than what God can do through a family.
Now, our family has plenty of foibles and frailties to go around. Yet the most important thing we did early on in our marriage and our ministry was to draw up a “title deed” to our lives. Barbara and I signed over ownership of ourselves and everything we have, including our children, to God. We still have the original document securely stored away, and annually we pull it out to remind ourselves of the commitment we made. And we’re now beginning to see that commitment lived out in our children’s lives, too.
But believe me, it hasn’t always looked this great. There have been times when we were emotionally spent—it would be so much easier to throw in the towel. But if we continue to pour our lives and values into our children with God’s help, we’re bound to see positive results.
You see, families don’t “make” a difference. They are the difference. And families who follow God compel other families to do the same.
Editor’s Note: Author Ernie Baker was interviewed on FamilyLife Today on May 8-10, 2017, about his book Marry Wisely, Marry Well. On the final day he referred to the following quote by James C. Petty about the doctrine of providence. It is from the book, Step by Step: Divine Guidance for Ordinary Christians.
“The Bible teaches that (1) God does have one specific plan for your life and (2) the events and choices of your life irresistibly and sovereignly work that plan in every detail….and it has all your mistakes, blindnesses, and sins accounted for in advance. These truths are included in what is known as the doctrine of providence. Without understanding providence, we will never be able to think clearly about God’s daily involvement with our lives. Much of the confusion about God’s guidance in Christian circles is caused by a lack of understanding of this historic doctrine.”
— James C. Petty
“We can’t do that,” Carol said. “Yes, you can!” I insisted.
Carol had worked with youth for years and her husband, Dan, had helped couples with financial planning. In years of working with youth, Carol realized that many of the struggles youth faced resulted from tension in their homes; in helping couples with their finances, Dan observed that couples who struggled financially often needed someone to step in to help them resolve conflict far beyond their finances.
They both agreed something needed to be done to help couples strengthen their marriages. They were hoping that I, as a ministry advisor with FamilyLife, would help them find leaders to start a marriage ministry. As we talked I realized they were the leaders … so I challenged them to champion an ongoing ministry to marriages in their church.
Five years later, they have a strong team of lay leaders with a year-round ministry to marriages that has helped over 1,000 people with their marriages in their community of 20,000.
How did they do it? They had a plan and God gave them favor.
If you want a stronger, healthier church, then help couples grow in their relationship with Christ and with each other. Don’t underestimate how God might use you to minister to other couples in your church. Many churches minister to marriages successfully through the leadership of lay couples with oversight by a pastor or other staff member.
These steps can guide you in developing a sustainable plan for your own marriage ministry.
7 steps to start a marriage ministry
1. Begin with prayer.
Ask the Lord to give you a vision for ministry to marriages that aligns with your church’s vision. Ask the Lord to reveal other lay couples who could join you in providing leadership. Ask the Lord to stir a desire in the hearts of married couples in your church to build into their own marriages.
2. Develop your vision for a marriage ministry.
Your vision should answer the question, “Why is it important for our church to minister more effectively to married couples?”
Your marriage ministry vision should support the vision of the church. That opens the door for more support for the ministry. A simple, clear vision will help you communicate your “why” and inspire people to participate as leaders of the ministry. A clear vision also encourages couples to build into their marriages.
Invest the time needed to write a vision statement. You will not regret time spent getting on paper why you are ministering to marriages.
3. Identify and recruit leaders.
Ask God to lead you to people with a heart for marriages. Share your vision for the ministry and ask them to pray about providing leadership. Get them involved in developing a plan for the marriage ministry (see step #5), and look for ways to give more responsibility to those who show ability and commitment.
4. Ask questions to gather some information about your church body and the needs of the marriages in your church.
One of the best ways to gather information about your church’s needs is through a survey. The survey can be as simple as asking participants about their marital status and what their biggest challenges are—spiritual growth, finances, parenting, communication, conflict resolution, roles and responsibilities, in-laws, sex, addiction, anger, etc. But you could add as many questions as necessary.
Most church marriage ministries focus on all or a combination of the following four categories:
Preparing for marriage: Couples need to learn key principles about God’s purposes for marriage and about how to maintain a solid relationship. Preparing people for marriage will focus not only on the engaged couples in your church, but also young singles and single parents as most of them will marry. Widows, widowers and previously married people will need to be prepared for the blended family that will result if they remarry.
Newlywed marriages: Those who have been married less than five years need to understand God’s design for marriage and how that will require them to make adjustments in their daily lives. Couples who are creating a blended family through marriage will especially need help as they face issues that other couples do not.
Enriching all marriages: If you lead couples to intentionally and consistently build into their marriages, they tend to be more equipped to serve in the church. Couples who have a spouse in the military and blended families need additional support.
Restoring marriages in crisis: As any marriage ministry becomes established, it quickly becomes apparent that many relationships are in distress—often more than you realize. This can sometimes feel overwhelming, but our experience in working with couples the past 22 years has demonstrated that, as you point them individually to Christ, He will often restore their marriage.
5. Develop a plan.
Your church may not have a significant number of couples in all four of the categories. Depending on the size of your team, you may only be able to focus on offering one or two of these support options in your church. My suggestion is to focus on the largest audience at your church which generally is enriching all marriages.
As you begin a marriage ministry, you may find you cannot yet support marriages in crisis. Consider referring couples to local biblical counselors. Don’t feel like you have to do it all.
Set a goal for how often you can offer content to help strengthen marriages. Consider your church’s calendar when planning and offer content that aligns with the natural flow of your church’s year.
Then it’s time to answer the question, “What is the best way to deliver the content?” Most churches do this in three ways—large groups, small groups, or one-to-one.
Looking at two critical things about your church will help you determine the best way to deliver content:
First, look at how your church is organized. Is your church’s structure designed to support large groups, small groups, or one-to-one ministry? If your church has a strong mentoring support system in place, for example, then strongly consider delivering marriage content through one-to-one mentoring.
Second, look at how people who attend your church regularly like to receive content.If small groups at your church are generally well attended, then consider having small groups on marriage topics. If you desire to do one-to-one mentoring, but those who attend your church don’t gravitate toward mentoring, then shy away from it.
A critical step in planning involves evaluating your capacity. Don’t overreach—make sure your plan is sustainable. The size of the team will determine the breadth of the plans. A team of one couple may be able to lead two small groups a year and/or host one weekend event a year. A team of two or more couples may be able to offer ongoing small groups, a weekend event in spring and fall, and possibly even one-to-one mentoring.
With my church’s team of four couples, we have trained mentor couples for one-to-one mentoring, we coordinate marriage-related small groups multiple times a year, we sponsor date nights once a quarter, we host one large marriage event a year, and the pastor presents a sermon series on marriage once a year.
Plan what makes sense for your church and what your lay leadership team can keep up with. After you get your plans on paper, ask yourself, “Can we keep all this going?” To avoid burnout for your team of leaders, don’t attempt anything you cannot sustain.
6. Schedule events on the church calendar and execute.
Once you know what you will offer and how you will offer it, it is time to get your events or small groups on the church calendar. Work with the church staff to determine the best timing. If you have more than one couple on the team, divide responsibilities among them.
Develop deadlines for preparation, promotion, and execution of activities. Develop a simple prayer calendar for your team to use. If possible, involve your church’s prayer team in praying for the activities and the couples who will attend.
7. Put a follow-up plan in place.
Couples will often ask, “What’s next for our marriage?” Be prepared to answer that question. We have seen that couples who build into their marriages find they enjoy it and will ask you to continue to help them. Always offer them a next step to help couples further grow in their marriages.
Great follow-ups can include marriage-focused small groups, weekend retreats, Bible reading plans for couples, daily devotions for couples, or date nights for couples.
FamilyLife can assist you with each of these steps. Our ministry advisors are passionate about helping churches have effective marriage ministries. They provide training to volunteer couples, assist in assessing needs, offer ideas for events and curriculum suggestions for small groups, and generally guide your church in developing and sustaining a marriage ministry. And this service is free. Call us at 800-358-6329 or email us at MinistryAdvisor@FamilyLife.com.
When Rusty Mauney thinks about Iraq, he remembers the burn pits with the stench of incinerated food and scorched plastic. He remembers the open sewage that ran freely through the streets, the kids playing nearby in open fields of dirt.
Rusty Mauney serving in Iraq as an army medic in 2004.
He remembers patrolling on 120-degree days while wearing 45 pounds of military gear, plus 65 pounds of supplies for his responsibility as a medic. With every step, Rusty knew that he passed through spots where people had been shot at. “Anxiety level is so high,” he says, “I spent most of my time trying to swallow the fear.”
And he remembers the popping sound of the sniper’s first shot on January 22, 2005. Within seconds, echoes upon echoes of machine gun fire merged to create sounds like rolling thunder. Rusty and his platoon had been ambushed.
“Doc, get up here!” someone yelled, and Rusty saw one of his buddies pulling the limp body of their beloved lieutenant out of the road. By the time Rusty got to him, the young officer was gasping for air.
“I tried to give him a couple of breaths,” he says, “but the blood just shot up in my face. He died right there.”
Rusty had seen many people die. But the lieutenant was a close Army friend. “I can still taste the blood,” he says today. “Can still smell it and the gunpowder. I was supposed to keep this guy alive, and I didn’t. And that killed me.”
A textbook case of PTSD
Marsha Mauney was pregnant when her new husband left for war. So when he returned home from Iraq, his once-doting wife was now the mother of their 6-month-old son. She was busy with the baby.
Rusty didn’t tell Marsha about his haunting war memories. But it wasn’t long before she realized he was a troubled man.
Day in and day out he unconsciously waited for someone to kick in the door, just like his platoon did in buildings over in Iraq. And whether it was the sound of a car backfiring or the smell of burning food in the kitchen, in an instant he could be swept back to the battlefield. It was a textbook case of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Only one thing brought Rusty a semblance of peace: a bottle of whiskey. And it didn’t take long for his drinking to drive Marsha and him apart.
It was common for Rusty to buy a pint of whiskey on his way home from work. Then he drank as much as he could within the 10 minutes it took to pull into his driveway. Within a half hour his blood alcohol level was so high that he would pass out.
At first Rusty only drank on weekends. And then he drank most evenings, too. Sometimes he detached from his family while dwelling on things that had happened overseas. And sometimes he simply got angry.
Marsha needed a miracle. God, if you don’t want this marriage to end, she prayed, then help me figure out what to do next.
A troubling discovery
Things got worse when Marsha discovered that Rusty had a secret cell phone. Marsha had an uneasy feeling about it, but when she asked Rusty about it, he said a friend must have left it.
Later, without Marsha’s knowledge, he threw it away.
He continued drinking excessively and resented his wife’s constant nagging. Every time she questioned whether he was an alcoholic, he denied it. To him, alcoholics got drunk at work, went to jail, drank out of a paper bag behind a liquor store. And those things certainly did not describe him.
In 2009 the Mauney family moved to Tennessee for Rusty to continue his physician assistant studies. He was in the top 10 percent of his class and provided well for his family. But he continued his drinking routine.
It was there that Marsha discovered some old emails between Rusty and their former babysitter. She quickly realized the twosome had been in far too much contact. She confronted her husband and the woman, and they both downplayed their communication.
Rusty said they did not have a sexual relationship, that it was just a friendship that had gone way too far. Marsha threw her wedding ring at Rusty and said she could deal with the truth but not lies. She was heartbroken. She drove to a nearby park, sat in her car, and cried.
Rusty Mauney is greeted by his wife, Marsha, and their children when he returns home from deployment in 2011.
She imagined what would happen to their kids if they got divorced. She realized no one’s life would be better. She decided she wouldn’t give up on their marriage, but she was confused. Her life made no sense to her. She felt like she had tried so hard to do the right things in life, yet nothing helped her marriage.
Peeling back her life
Rusty was deployed to Afghanistan in 2010. Before he left, Marsha was relieved. She didn’t want anything bad to happen to her husband, and she didn’t want to divorce him. But, she says. “I didn’t mind him gone.” Finally, there would be peace in her home.
As he left once again for war, she prayed, God, don’t let me hate my husband.
A year later, after Rusty returned home, he was given custody of his daughter from his first marriage. Now with four children, he and Marsha moved into a larger home in the country. They also joined Yellow Creek Church, a new Baptist church with about 40 members.
A few weeks after joining the church, their Sunday school class separated into two groups for prayer: one for women and one for men. Marsha took a chance and said to the small group of women, “I’m going to pretend that we have known each other for a long time.”
She peeled back her life and told the women that Rusty had an ongoing alcohol problem. Suddenly, she says, she had “people who I could talk to, people who would pray with me, who I could honestly tell what was going on in our lives.”
Then, while he was gone for military training, Marsha got a text message from a number she didn’t recognize. She realized it was supposed to go to Rusty. Marsha texted back, “Who is this?” When a woman responded, Marsha replied, “I am Rusty’s wife.”
Later that day Marsha and Rusty talked by phone. He tried to explain the unexpected text—that he had struck up a friendship with a female coworker on the Army base. Marsha’s world came crashing down.
Some of Marsha’s close friends had asked why she was still with Rusty. At times she wondered, too. Were they right? Was it finally time to give up on her marriage?
Another double life
Several days later, while cleaning her carpets, she heard a FamilyLife Today® interview above the whir of the shampooing machine. Scott and Sherry Jennings from North Carolina were telling their story about a marriage troubled by lies, rage, alcoholism, and adultery.
Marsha listened as the Jennings described what God had done to heal their marriage. On the FamilyLife website she read transcripts of the FamilyLife Today interview and an article about the Jennings titled, “He Lived a Double Life.” In the process she learned about the marriage getaway that had helped the Jennings, the Weekend to Remember®.
If God could use this getaway to help Scott and Sherry, could it help her and Rusty?
And that’s when Marsha Mauney knew that she still believed in miracles. She traded her mustard seed of hope that God might save her dying marriage into genuine belief that somehow … in some way … He would.
Help for their dying marriage
Marsha had asked Rusty to get help for their relationship for years. He always refused because he believed only weak people went to see counselors. But this time when Marsha told him that something had to be done about their marriage, he agreed.
They began seeing a Christian counselor who had been in the military. He knew how to communicate with Rusty, and tried to convince him that he was an alcoholic, asking him, “How ready are you to change?”
But Rusty was not ready to give up alcohol.
In February 2013, while their church friends were praying for them, the Mauneys attended a Weekend to Remember getaway. The beginning of real change for Rusty came when he realized that his drinking was a major cause of his marriage problems. “If only I had spent that much time and attention on my marriage, we wouldn’t have been in that situation,” he says.
The speakers also gave Rusty some hope. They were down-to-earth men and women who talked about some of their own painful times in their marriages. Rusty understood that lots of people have problems, and that was a turning point for him.
Like Rusty, Marsha says the marriage getaway was transforming. It helped her remember why she fell in love with Rusty and she learned that he was not her enemy. The session about intimacy convicted Marsha that her cold responses to her husband were not what God expected from her.
The war movie in his head
When Rusty and Marsha left the Weekend to Remember, they were seeing some real changes in their relationship. During the following year their marriage continued to grow.
But Rusty still suffered from PTSD. A decade had passed since his deployment in Iraq, and as Rusty puts it, “I had been playing this war movie almost constantly in my head.” In his mind he watched his friends die over and over.
One night in 2014, depressed by the mess he had made of his life, he sat on the back porch of his house with a 45-caliber pistol and a bottle of whiskey. He knew how to eliminate the memories that haunted him.
The only thing that stopped him from killing himself that day was the thought of one of his kids finding his dead body. “I did not want my kids to see that,” he said. So instead of committing suicide, he went inside the house and passed out.
When he awoke the next day and saw his gun, he was disgusted. “I had this respected professional life … and was extremely good at my job,” he said, “but I sucked at life.
“I had spent all this time learning how to save people,” he said, “and here I was drowning my family.”
Many alcoholics have memory problems, and Rusty was no different. He can’t remember the exact day, but about two years ago he woke up with a hangover and sensed God saying to him, Okay, enough is enough.
“And I agreed,” he says.
A different man
With his counselor’s assistance, he began a week of intensive treatment for trauma and alcoholism. Six months of outpatient therapy were condensed into seven days. While he was gone, Marsha, their pastor, some deacons, and their wives fasted and prayed.
After all the years, after all of their struggles, Rusty was a different man when he returned. The therapy focused on alcoholism being a symptom of Rusty’s trauma. It also helped Rusty say mental goodbyes to a lot of people who had died in Iraq and Afghanistan.
He said his life became amazingly easier when he sobered up and began listening to God’s voice through prayer and Scripture. “I found peace in knowing that I was a sinner saved by grace,” he says. “It’s hard to ask God for anything you when you’re praying with whiskey on your breath.”
Today Rusty is much closer to God and says he has stopped trying to run from Him. “I’m real now. I took the mask off and what you see is what you get.”
Rusty got involved with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), and Marsha found support in its program for loved ones of alcoholics. Rusty says that he will always struggle at times with the lure of alcoholism and reminders of war. But now he is equipped to fight those battles and knows where to turn for help.
Meanwhile, Marsha is more understanding and forgiving. She stopped rehashing regrets, and now focuses on their future. “I have learned that I must keep my relationship with God strong and constant,” she says, “to be the wife that God designed me to be.”
Rusty and Marsha Mauney in 2016.
For many years, Marsha did not want to say anything nice to Rusty because she didn’t want him to feel good when he was treating her poorly. But today she brags about him whenever she can. “I am learning to trust his judgment more in the little moments and the big moments,” she says.
Marsha says the Rusty she married has come back. He no longer lies, and he doesn’t explode in drunken anger. She and the children can depend on him. He is not her enemy, but instead her friend, partner, and the love of her life.
Encouraging others
Today Rusty is a physician assistant in hospital emergency rooms in Clarksville, Tennessee, and Marsha is a nurse sonographer at a pregnancy resource center. They teach a college and career class together at Yellow Creek Church, which has grown to 400 members. And they tell others that no problem is big enough to disrupt God’s plan.
In August 2016 the Mauneys co-hosted The Art of Marriage® video conference, a weekend event that teaches God’s design for marriage. As they saw 120 people fill the room, they were amazed by how God was using their once dying marriage.
They consider their relationship to be an open book. “People feel comfortable coming to talk to us,” Marsha says, “because we have gone through a lot of stuff.” Their friends and family know their marriage today is sweeter because of how hard they have worked.
As Marsha looks at each of their children today, she is so glad that she did not give up on her marriage. Thankful that she and Rusty fought to keep their family together. Amazed by God’s never-ending faithfulness.
My Grandpa Colby (Brad speaking) was a young teen when he was summoned to a neighbor’s farm to help milk a less-than-cooperative cow. Apparently the farmer was off on a drinking binge and had abandoned the cow for days. She was miserably full of milk and unwilling to let anyone touch her.
As Colby arrived at the barn and moved toward the unhappy cow, he must have sensed her tension. He talked to her as he approached and grabbed the milking stool. But when he knelt down to milk the cow, she lurched forward and kicked him in the leg, opening a deep gash. His torn flesh bled severely. There were no modern ambulances or helicopters to come to his rescue, so getting him to medical attention took precious time—lost time that allowed his young muscles to die from lack of blood. In the end, in order to save his life, his leg had to be amputated.
Colby had ventured down the road toward a neighbor’s farm to perform an act of kindness, not realizing his life would change forever. As I grew up and more fully understood my Grandpa Colby, what struck me was that he wasn’t in the least consumed by his past. I never heard him tell his story firsthand; I had to piece it together from family recollections. He never thought it necessary to tell me how he felt about losing his leg. The grandpa I grew to know could have been bitter about the drunken farmer or the call to take responsibility for someone else’s animal. Yet he never complained about his bad fortune or the fact that the situation left him without a leg. Instead he stayed focused on the future and the abundance of good things he could do—like catch fish with his grandkids and beat me at checkers!
Having the use of two healthy legs is surely a “possession” many of us believe is necessary to enjoy a full, happy, and large life. This was especially true in the community where Grandpa Colby lived, where being able bodied was essential to earning a livelihood. But Grandpa Colby simply found a way, as many people do, of living well without the benefit of the full body he was given at birth. He finished school and became a successful banker and family man. He was at peace. He was content, regardless of circumstance.
“Stuffocation”
Most of us have a vision of what we think is absolutely necessary for us to be happy. There is a measure of truth in those beliefs. But the greater truth is that we can learn to live happily even if we are denied things we consider essential.
Just as our homes have expanded over time, the list of material things we deem important continues to grow longer and longer. British author and trend forecaster James Wallman tells about a formal study by UCLA anthropologists to dig into the stuff that fills American homes. The smallest home in the study measured just under a thousand square feet, yet in the home’s two bedrooms and the living room alone, researchers found 2,260 items. They counted only items out in the open, nothing hidden in drawers or cupboards.
Among all the homes in their study they found on average:
39 pairs of shoes
90 DVDs or videos
139 toys
212 CDs
438 books and magazines
Wallman calls this “stuffocation,” which he defines as “suffocating under too much stuff.”
Without a conscious change of direction, this is where we live. But how can we move past our insatiable cravings to a genuine contentment? Let’s look at some attitudes and practices that can help us.
1. “I am confident in God’s love for me.” Scripture celebrates that God lovingly provides what we need and tells us that things will never satisfy us. The Bible resounds with encouragement for us to work hard to acquire what we need and to avoid the trap of believing that money or things will make us happy or content.
“Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless,” says Ecclesiastes 5:10.
The apostle Paul in Philippians 4 puts forth one of the Bible’s more extended teachings on worry and peace. First he says that we should trade worry in for prayer: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (verses 6-7).
Paul’s teaching comes from his own experience riding a roller coaster of joy and suffering, plenty and want. As a result of what he learned, he was able to say, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:11-13).
Paul describes exactly what Grandpa Colby discovered. Peace doesn’t come from outward circumstances but from an inward surrender to Christ.
2. “Tithing—giving 10 percent of my income—is an important part of how I manage my money.” When it comes to being generous with money, if giving 10 percent feels out of reach, start with one percent more than you give right now. Aim to increase by one percent every three to six months until you reach your goal. As you connect giving to your everyday life, you will soon see that you really do have enough. Sharing not just money but time and energy will feel not just more doable but more joyful. Giving from a surplus mindset is not linked to how much money you have; rather, it is choosing to lead with generosity in all its forms.
3. “I am comfortable with what I have and what I give away.” Many people find they stop worrying about having enough when they start planning. The writer of Proverbs puts it well: “Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; hurry and scurry puts you further behind” (Proverbs 21:5, The Message).
People often avoid budgeting because it reveals how little money they have to do all the things they want to do and how little they have to buy the things they want. Budgeting indeed provides a reality check. But when we plan from a perspective of faith—that is, when we realize our money comes as a trust that we are called to manage for God—that changes everything. Budgeting isn’t about getting what we want. It’s about using our money for God and for others.
Knowing what you want
Sometimes contentment and peace come by managing our expectations. Years ago a woman was interviewed on television. She had Down syndrome, and had recently married a man who also lived with Down syndrome. Since marriage among Down syndrome is rare, their lives became a curiosity.
The interviewer wanted to know how they managed. Were they happy? How did they pay their bills? Since they couldn’t drive, how did they get to work? They lacked the intellectual capacity to dive into conversations about politics, religion, and global warming. And the “great American dream” of home ownership seemed far beyond their reach. How could they possibly be satisfied?
The woman paused for a moment after the barrage of inquiries about her happiness. She looked the interviewer in the eyes and said slowly and confidently, “I am happy because I always get what I want.”
Dumbfounded, the interviewer went back over the litany of things the woman and her spouse would never have. With incredible poise, this young woman repeated her point: “I always get what I want. But I know what to want.”
The young woman explained that her happiness was rooted in realistic expectations for her life. Because she had settled in to her place on the planet rather well, she was able to live in contentment.
Can you say that you know what to want? Out of her wisdom and joy, this woman shared the secret to living at peace.
Significant life change can happen in the context of small groups. In this setting, group members can feel safe to discuss issues and share experiences on a more personal level. One of the keys to small group effectiveness is the leaders and the preparations they make.
We asked Scott and Sue Allen, small group leaders for 25 years, to share their top 10 tips for leading marriage enrichment small groups. Here’s what they shared:
1. Choose materials wisely. Group leaders will find a plethora of resources available on marriage enrichment. Begin by asking your pastoral staff to preview and approve materials before choosing what you’ll use.
The optimal length of a small-group class is six weeks, with each session lasting 60 to 90 minutes. A six-week class keeps the material fresh and is short enough for people to make the commitment to attend.
We recommend starting with The Art of Marriage Connect® series. Improving Communication in Your Marriage is an ideal starting point in the Connect series.
If you use digital media, make sure the delivery technology works well in your chosen location.
2. Enlist primary and secondary group facilitators. If you are the primary facilitators, then enlist another couple to serve as the secondary facilitators. Secondary facilitators assist in leading the class and helping with discussion. They can step in as the primary facilitators in your absence.
3. Choose the meeting time and location carefully. Sunday morning at church fits most church structures. Childcare and classroom space are usually available. If you decide to have a home study, consider how you will handle childcare, a very important issue for parents.
4. Personally prepare week to week. Study the material early in the week and meditate on it throughout the week. Refresh your memory by looking through your notes, either the night before class or the morning of. Guard against letting up on your personal Bible study and prayer time because Satan will be eager to attack any good work.
5. Be punctual. Each week, arrive at least 20 minutes prior to class so that you can have everything ready and have time for personal prayer, yielding to God’s direction and wisdom.
Start and finish on time. Resist the urge to “wait until everyone is here” before starting, or to “keep going because everyone is engaged” when it is time to stop. People appreciate when you stick to your schedule; it shows you respect their time.
6. Promote through multiple channels. Different channels and methods catch different people’s attention. Facebook, email, Instagram, text, church bulletins, church foyer table, posters, word of mouth, pulpit announcements—use all channels available to you. We recommend that you start promotion three weeks before your class begins. Visit the resource publisher’s website; sometimes you’ll find downloadable promotion files there. Create an attractive flyer that gives the class details: location; time; subject; length; childcare; and contact name, email, and phone number, along with a call to action such as “Sign up today.”
7. Provide snacks and drinks. Food, even just something to drink, usually puts people at ease. During the first class, circulate a sign-up sheet for couples to volunteer.
8. Communicate with group members throughout the week. Create a class roster and communicate often with reminders of topics discussed, homework for couples to do, the snack schedule, or articles participants will find interesting. Send reminders of prayer requests and encourage members to pray for one another. Keep up with members’ contact info for when you offer other marriage enrichment opportunities.
9. Consider the seating arrangement. If you are able, arrange the chairs in a circle. This facilitates good discussion.
10. Encourage participation. During discussion, become comfortable with silence. You may find it uncomfortable to ask a question and sit in silence for a few seconds, but doing so often encourages a group member to interact who normally might not. Resist the temptation to answer your own question.
Start each class with an “ice breaker” question. Possible questions are “Where was your first date?” or “What is your favorite restaurant?”
Participants aren’t the only ones who will benefit
Leading a marriage class can be very rewarding to you and your spouse in addition to those who attend. As you prepare for each class, you will find God strengthening your own marriage and giving you a heart to minister to others.
Did you ever play the game Lock Out on your school playground? The game begins when kids form a circle by interlocking arms. Then one person on the outside attempts to infiltrate the circle anyway he can. But the more the outsider attempts to push, poke, or pry his way in, the more the circle bands together to keep him out.
This is how stepparents sometimes feel when they enter a new family. The biological family has already formed interlocking blood bonds. So the stepparent works hard to step into the circle, attempting to push, poke, and pry his way into the good graces of the children. He may even be aided by the biological parent, who also wants the children and stepparent to get along. But despite the couple’s efforts to influence the children to comply, the stepparent can still feel pushed out.
The biological parents reading this may be a little confused right now. Maybe you’re thinking, What do you mean my spouse is an outsider? He’s not an outsider in my book. Biological parents may find it hard to understand the stepparent’s perspective of being an outsider, simply because a natural parent is always an included part of the family.
I’ll never forgot a stepmom with three stepdaughters and no children of her own sharing with me her realization that, as she put it, “I live in a stepfamily, but my husband doesn’t.” She insightfully figured out that her husband never felt left out or like a third wheel even though she did quite frequently. They had very different experiences in the same family.
There’s nothing wrong with a couple trying to help the stepparent become an insider. The two obviously want the family to combine. That was the whole point of getting married in the first place. But knowing how to go about it and what to expect from the family is very important.
Keys to unity
When one of the two partners feels like an outsider, it doesn’t just affect the family dynamics. It also creates a feeling of isolation in the marriage. You certainly can’t be joined in unity when you are isolated. So how can you and your spouse feel connected and celebrate your marriage when one of you is still “locked out”? I have a couple of suggestions that will help.
The first key is to celebrate your marriage even if you can’t celebrate everything about your family. Stepparents must learn to compartmentalize the marital relationship as distinct from the stepparenting relationships. Consider them as separate entities so the failings of one don’t bleed over into the other.
I do realize that trying to distinguish the two types of relationships is a bit arbitrary; all of the relationships in your home impact the others, so acting as if they’re separated takes intentional effort. However, the capacity to allow yourself to feel good about one relationship—in this case your marriage—even when you don’t feel great about others is helpful.
Consider the alternative. If you only rejoice when everything in the family puzzle is fitting well, you won’t have much to celebrate. That just brings angst and anxiety to everyone in the home. So do your best to make the marriage strong and connected, even when the children make that difficult.
Biological parents, realize that you are an insider with your spouse (marriage) and an insider with your kids (family), so you may not feel the tension that your spouse feels. In order to bridge this gap, you must listen and consider the view point of your spouse or you’ll continually fight isolation in the marriage. Compassion is a strong connector, and the more you listen and affirm your spouse’s feelings, the closer you will become to each other, despite what is happening in the rest of the family.
The second key is to be patient, not forceful in relationships. Forming relationships takes time. That’s the reality. And it may be years before you all really feel like family. You must realize that in some cases the more the stepparent and parent work to orchestrate the acceptance of the stepparent, the more resistant the children become. Just as in the game Lock Out, pressure from the outside sometimes makes insiders—the biological children—pull closer together and refuse entry of the outsider, the stepparent.
Being strategic about how a stepparent joins the family is critical to being accepted. Let the children set the pace. Reach out in love, but never overreach. (That boundary is different for every child.) That means you must be sensitive to the needs and the responses of each of your stepchildren, and that’s a difficult task for anyone. But with the grace of God, prayer, and patience, you can have a healthy relationship with your stepchildren in the long run.
Something to rejoice about
This week, be intentional to celebrate your marriage. Find something in your relationship to rejoice about. Even if your family isn’t as smooth as you wish, you can celebrate what God is doing within your marriage. There is always something good to be thankful for: knowing looks, fun new memories, pleasant surprises … anything that you treasure with your spouse.
In addition to finding the good, reassure your spouse of your lasting commitment and remind yourself of the promises you made. And then pray for the strength to keep them. All the work that you’re putting into your marriage and family won’t be wasted. Remember, it may take some time to get there, but with God’s grace, your family will be better for it in the end. The best is yet to come.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! Let them extol him in the congregation of the people, and praise him in the assembly of the elders. (Psalm 107:31-32)
“Did you say, ‘thank you’?”
Momma’s hand pressed my shoulder, turning me toward the woman standing with us. I turned my face up and momentarily met eyes with her, “Thank you.”
She smiled, “You’re welcome!”
I returned the smile and pulled the new doll tightly into my chest.
Why is saying “thank you” so hard for us?
Especially as children, it is a lesson learned, not often a natural response. The older we get and the more we understand the value of things, it becomes easier. But if you’re like me, when it comes to the Lord, I can forget to give thanks.
This is bad news. Forgetting to thank the Lord is forgetting His will for my life. As Christians, we spend our lives wanting to know, “What is God’s will for my life?” We buy books, ask friends and pastors, and take tests designed to help us discover His will for us in particular.
Let me help you: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
Ta-da!! You’re welcome.
What is God’s will for you? Rejoice, pray, and give thanks. When? Always, without ceasing, and in all circumstances.
We can always rejoice in God’s goodness and steadfast love toward us. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit and thus is not dependent upon certain conditions. It is rooted in the imperishable, unchanging, and unconditional. As long as we have the Spirit, we can have eyes to see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13). And in seeing, we can rejoice.
Prayer sharpens our sight. It puts prescriptive lenses on our spiritual eyes. An open line of communication with the Lord allows us to “cry out” in our distress and short-sightedness and to hear and see His response.
When I am consciously aware of God’s presence and am in conversation with Him all throughout the day, inconveniences become opportunities, disappointments become an occasion to trust the Lord’s sovereignty, hurts become a chance to extend forgiveness extended to me through Christ, fears are overcome by His love for me as His child, and happiness overflows into praise.
It’s not easy, and it’s for sure not natural, but it is essential to the next part of His will for my life: to give thanks in all circumstances.
It’s really hard to trust someone you don’t know. When I first became acquainted with my future husband, John, I knew others who knew him and thought well of him. In fact, I remember asking Larry, a mutual friend, if John was someone you could count on. He looked good, he sounded good, but what was he really like?
During our last two years of college, John and I got to know each other well. No, we didn’t date. Both of us were going out with other people. But he became my close friend. There is something special about a best friend of the opposite sex when neither of you are interested romantically in the other. You don’t have to play games. It’s safe. You don’t have to worry about what you say or do because there’s no risk of breaking up.
Over time I watched how he interacted with others. I saw him in different situations. Spending time with his family gave me insights into his character as I got to know those who had shaped him. Asking him questions, seeing him struggle with tough issues, and hearing his dreams all added to my knowledge of this man.
After three years of being just friends, John finally saw the light. (My version of course!) Three months later, we were married.
Did marriage mean that I completely knew this man? Of course not. I had a basic confidence in who he was and a deep desire to spend the rest of my life getting to know him.
Over four decades later, I am still discovering the depths of this amazing man. Marriage would be boring if the growth and discoveries (and even hard times) were over once we said, “I do.”
Ways we forget God
Just as any relationship begins at the acquaintance level, so does our relationship with God. Our knowledge is shaped by what others say, by what we read, observe, and hear, and by our personal experiences.
Some of us have known Him for a long time, others are just getting acquainted with Him, and perhaps some are waiting to be introduced to Him. No matter what our relationship level is with God, we all have one thing in common: We would like to be able to trust Him.
The better we know Him, the easier it is to trust Him. But so often we get overwhelmed with an issue in our life, and soon the issue becomes bigger than our God. Even when we know Him, we can still have the tendency to withdraw from Him or forget Him. It comes in a variety of ways:
We run from God. Life gets tough. A situation arises. We may consider Him for a moment but then thoughts creep in: I got myself into this situation, I can’t help myself, I don’t know how to help my child… We blame ourselves. We beat ourselves up once again for our past. In our shame we begin to run from Him. Like the apostle Peter, we may even deny Him.
We are afraid of Him. He is so big and so good and we are not. We fear we’ll let Him down. (We will.) We fear He will withdraw His love. (He won’t.) We fear He isn’t really in control. (He is.) We fear what we can’t totally know or control.
We ignore Him. We take on the responsibility of thinking, I should be able to handle this myself. Or maybe we don’t really believe in an all-powerful God who loves us intensely, or who is interested in us intimately, or who is sovereignly in control of all things.
Maybe we fall prey to cultural pressure that ridicules anyone who might believe. Instead of lovingly engaging a critic, our courage falters and we remain silent, ignoring the power of the gospel within us.
Often we ignore Him because we are afraid He won’t come through for us. And we don’t want to find that out. That would be scary.
We try to figure Him out. I am very good at this. I assume that if X happens, then God is saying one thing. Otherwise Y would have happened. I determine how I think He should work and when. And I don’t even realize it.
The reality is I’m dictating to God how to be God! I’m putting Him in a box. I am severely limiting who I believe Him to be. When I’m brutally honest I recognize my real problem is that I just want to be God. Or I’d like to try to manage Him. At some level, anyway. It’s laughable, isn’t it?
If we peel back to the layers of all our efforts, of our own self-protections, we realize again we are not enough. At our core, each of us wants and needs something more, something bigger than ourselves.
I suspect that what we really want is to believe in a power bigger and strong than ourselves. We long to know there is One who understands us. One who is ultimately in charge and is perfectly capable of handling all things.
What we really need is a greater understanding and deeper experience of just how big God is. The eminent French mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal said, “There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but by God Himself made known through Jesus Christ.”
We want to accept God’s perfect personal love for us—a love not based on our behavior but on His character. He cannot help loving us. It is His nature, His number one character trait, His top priority. It’s far easier to believe this in our heads than in our hearts. We know our hearts are not pure. We struggle because what we want collides with what we experience.
Believing is a process
Just as getting to know a person is a process, so is getting to know God. It is not instantaneous. I didn’t instantly know John. I am still in that process. The more time I spend with him the better I know him. This is true in any relationship. We get to know someone when we spend time with him or her.
Some relationships will turn into deep friendships and others will disappoint or dissolve. But a relationship with God will not disappoint. This doesn’t mean we will understand how or why He does what He does. Like David, we will get angry with Him; like Jonah, we may hide from Him; like Job, we may feel hurt by Him. But He will, as He has for these men and countless others, convince us of His perfect love for us. It isn’t likely to happen all at once, but He will do it as we spend time getting to know Him.
J.B. Phillips, an Anglican writer and Bible translator, wrote a popular book in 1955 called Your God Is Too Small. What he meant is that our view of God is too small. God isn’t small, but our characterization of Him is. He is so much bigger than we think.
Phillips was right. My view of God is too small and I imagine yours is too. But what if we could catch a glimpse of how much bigger He is? If we could, I suspect we’d become more confident of the personal, unconditional love He has for us.
I’d like to say I’ve learned how big God is and am convinced of His perfect love. I’d like to say I no longer struggle. But it’s simply not true.
The truth is I still struggle, but now I realize the real key is that I need a bigger vision of our great God. I need for my understanding of His power and love to grow. I desperately want to really believe He is all-powerful and all-loving. I realize it is only as my view of Him increases daily in my head that I will be more able to view my issues with a proper perspective.
Is there a quick way to do this? No. It’s a lifetime journey—a path with lots of setbacks but many encouragements along the way.
Life is full of risks. As we acknowledge and accept the earthly risks associated with trusting and following Jesus in all of the issues of life, we will more deeply understand the need for the eyes of our hearts to be opened to behold our great God.
When Susan Yates whispered “Help me, Lord,” she was surprised by the words God spoke to her heart. In a FamilyLife Today® interview, Susan talks about making a conscious choice to trust God each moment of the day. And in her book, Risky Faith, she takes readers on a journey of renewed understanding and vision to walk in the confidence of a God so much bigger than the challenges we often face.
I had no idea how desperate Christian women were to find satisfying physical intimacy until I heard a radio program interviewing Juli Slattery and Dannah Gresh on the book series Fifty Shades of Grey. Even though the series is a twisted, abusive love story, many women—even Christian women—are defending it mainly based on the idea that it helps with their love lives.
I have never read Fifty Shades of Grey, so I’m not about to tackle a topic I know nothing about. So instead of going on a rant against the book, I would rather explore the need for satisfying sexual intimacy without any shadiness. You can have a steamy sex life inside the bounds of marriage without any “outside” help at all, and that’s something I do know about.
For the sake of my friends and family, I won’t go into details, but let me just say that my husband and I are both mutually happy with our intimacy. And I don’t mean I’ve just settled into a way of life. I mean, he satisfies me both as a husband and lover.
But this isn’t accomplished by accident. It takes mental work.
Even though I’m no expert, here are some things I’ve learned along the way to help me enjoy the lovemaking process, both mentally and physically.
1. Take every thought captive.
A person’s thought life controls her body. Jesus said the words “that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man” (Matthew 15:18).
The mind and body are inseparable. If you think about food, your mouth begins to salivate. If you read a scary book, your heart may begin to race. If you are forced to face a fear, your muscles may tighten or your body may break out into a sweat, even when you are in no real danger.
The woman’s sex drive is no different. How you think about your husband will determine how much you enjoy being intimate with him. As wives, our critical and judgmental thinking can spin out of control if we’re not careful.
Because married couples’ lives are so intricately intertwined, it’s not hard to see the other’s problems and mistakes, something all human beings are riddled with. But those critical thoughts will make you withdraw emotionally, and your body will follow.
In order to have a healthy love life, you need to be in the right frame of mind toward your husband. The Apostle Paul encourages Christians to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When you start hearing your mind rant about your husband’s inconsiderate habits and hurtful mistakes, train yourself to stop and consider if his “problems” are really all that bad.
2. Admire him.
This does not necessarily come naturally, even for women with really great husbands. Women have a lot going on and many people to worry about—aging parents, bosses and co-workers, friends at church, multiple children. And sometimes we take our husbands for granted, especially if he is healthy and busy with his own life. So you might go hours without thinking about him in a loving way.
If that’s the case, you must practice focusing on loving and admiring thoughts about him from time to time. What do you still find attractive? His eyes, arms, smile, kind heart, funny jokes, tender embrace? Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”
Even if you’ve completely lost that “lovin’ feelin'” you can think of somethinggood about this person. Start at any point. And then express that admiration verbally or even in written form, like a text or Facebook post. You will start to believe in your heart what you think and say from your mouth.
3. Put your mind in the mood.
Throughout the day, think about making love to your husband. Think about it before bed. If it would help you feel sexy, take a shower or spray some perfume. Put on a silky gown. Put your mind in the mood and your body will follow.
Then during your intimate moments, concentrate on what’s going on, not your schedule tomorrow or worries of life. Relax your body—that alone can make the process more pleasurable for women. Do your best to ignore distractions, like insecurities or fears.
There are parts of a woman’s body designed by God to feel good sexually. Refer to the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by William Cutrer, M.D., and Sandra Glahn for more information on this. It’s a very appropriate and practical book on the sexual behavior of married couples from both medical and biblical perspectives.
4. Concentrate on being with your husband.
I heard a woman once tell a friend that if she’s having trouble in the bedroom, she should just imagine the face of a sexy actor on her husband’s head. That may seem like a harmless prop, but Jesus took our thought life a lot more seriously. He said, “…Everyone who looks at a [man] with lust for [him] has already committed adultery with [him] in [her] heart” (Matthew 5:28). The Christian women who defend Fifty Shades of Greysay it makes them think about sex, which improves their sex life. But the problem is that when you immerse yourself in the story of this erotic novel, your thought life involves someone other than your husband.
Consider this: When you are in the middle of lovemaking, do you want your spouse to be thinking about a porn star or about you? Your husband wants your body andyour mind! You should be thinking about hislove, hisface, hisembrace—whatever you find attractive. If you can’t make love to your husband without thinking of someone else, fiction or non-fiction, that’s a problem. It’s time to overhaul your thought life and consider what you’re allowing to come in.
5. Talk to your husband about slowing down.
It usually takes a while for women to warm up sexually. That’s just the way God made us. Most husbands want to please their wives, but most wives are embarrassed about telling their husbands what they really want.
Find a way to talk to your husband about this. Explain that you want more romance, cuddling, kissing, caressing—whatever you like, and tell him not to finish before you even begin. There is a lot of caressing that he can do to get you ready, so that when he’s ready, you both get satisfied. And then enjoy it. Don’t just rush through or consider it a chore to check off your to-do list.
These five guidelines have helped me keep a deep connection with my husband on the most intimate level without help from anything shady—figuratively or literally. We don’t use porn, erotica, props, or any other so-called “helps” to heat up our love life. It’s just a man and a woman who appreciate and accommodate the physical satisfaction of the other—pure and beautiful.
I realize there are a whole host of other issues for people in the bedroom, but for the average woman, having a healthy, thriving love life is a matter of the heart and mind. For more in-depth reading on the subject and for more help on specific issues, I recommend these books:
Intimate Issues, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus
So let’s get this straight. To protect his marriage, Vice President Mike Pence doesn’t dine alone with other women. And people are angry about that?
Once upon a time, in the early days of the web, many predicted this new technology would foster a climate of polite civil discourse, where people could interact peaceably and thoughtfully. Instead, our world of digital connection has evolved into a simmering cauldron of resentment, ridicule, and outrage. It seems every week something sparks a contentious debate where people hiss and scream at each other like a pack of feral cats.
And in recent days one of these debates has focused on, of all things, Vice President Pence’s self-imposed rules to protect his marriage.
It began with a Washington Post profile on Pence’s wife, Karen. The article focuses on their close marriage and mentions the influence of their conservative Christian beliefs, and one sentence attracted a lot of attention: “In 2002, Mike Pence told The Hill [a political website] that he never eats alone with a woman other than his wife and that he won’t attend events featuring alcohol without her by his side, either.”
An article last fall in the Indianapolis Star provided more context:
During his 12 years in Congress, Pence had rules to avoid any infidelity temptations, or even rumors of impropriety. Those included requiring that any aide who had to work late to assist him be male, never dining alone with a woman other than his wife, and not attending an event where alcohol is served unless Karen was there.
In a 2002 interview with The Hill, Pence called it, “building a zone around your marriage.”
The Billy Graham rule
In the evangelical world, “zones” like these are not unusual. Some call it the “Billy Graham rule.” In the early days of Graham’s ministry, his team took steps to avoid some of the traps that had ensnared other evangelists. “We all knew of evangelists who had fallen into immorality while separated from their families by travel,” Graham wrote in his autobiography, Just As I Am. “We pledged among ourselves to avoid any situation that would have even the appearance of compromise or suspicion. From that day on, I did not travel, meet, or eat alone with a woman other than my wife. We determined that the Apostle Paul’s mandate to the young pastor Timothy would be ours as well: ‘Flee … youthful lusts’ (2 Timothy 2:22, KJV).”
Here at FamilyLife we follow similar rules to protect our marriages and to guard the organization from charges of impropriety. If you’re married, include someone else when you travel or eat out with a co-worker of the opposite sex. If you need to meet privately, do it in a room with a window to the hallway. These rules don’t limit opportunities for women. And while they are sometimes inconvenient, they help foster a culture that reminds us of the sanctity of the marriage relationship. We are, after all, an organization that teaches biblical principles for marriage and family.
Author Jerry Jenkins wrote a book in which he calls these “hedges” of protection. In an interview on FamilyLife Today®, he talked of other hedges he’s constructed regarding issues like flirting, hugging, and access to adult videos in hotel rooms. Just as parents will keep their children far away from the busy road in front of their house, hedges can help keep you from harm’s way; in the spirit of Ephesians 5:3: “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you…”
Rules like these are especially beneficial for pastors, church leaders, and others in the public eye (like Mike Pence). And they set an example for all followers of Christ who understand how easily we can make wrong choices and who want to remain faithful to our spouses.
Author Michael Hyatt, in an article about protecting his marriage, includes a similar list of self-imposed guidelines and says they “may sound old-fashioned, perhaps even legalistic. So be it. I think our world could use a little old-fashioned common sense.”
Firestorm
In the last few days, news of Pence’s rules reached critical mass and burst into a social media firestorm of ridicule, sarcasm, and indignation. Some typical statements from articles, Tweets, and reader comments:
“Pence is a good man, but he’s living in 1950.”
“In this worldview, men have no self-control, and women are either temptresses or guardians of virtue.”
“The revolting thing about Pence’s no-meals-with-women rule isn’t prudishness. It’s that he’s limiting key professional opportunities to men.”
“If Pence won’t eat dinner alone with any woman but his wife, that means he won’t hire women in key spots.”
(Those last two comments must have come as a surprise to the women who were hired for key roles on Vice President Pence’s staff.)
Separate worlds
I’m sure the tone of this particular debate is influenced by the political shouting matches that have dominated our nation for the last year. But the biggest factor here may be that, in a culture that is growing more secular, many people just don’t understand evangelicals. As Aaron Blake of the Washington Post writes, “The fact that [Pence’s] arrangement is so foreign and unthinkable to some people in this country reinforces what separate worlds we live in.”
Two factors appear to be involved:
The importance of marriage. FamilyLife president Dennis Rainey is fond of saying, “The Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a wedding.” From the initial union of Adam and Eve in Genesis to the glorious union of Christ and His bride—the church—in Revelation, it is clear that marriage is the foundation of the family and is a key component in God’s plan.
As we teach at the Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway, marriage is a gift from God… an incredible blessing for us and a tremendous opportunity to glorify God and reflect His love to the world. In an increasingly immoral and permissive culture, it is vital for us to protect this gift. Even when the steps we take to do so seem bothersome to us and old-fashioned to the outside world. As crazy as it sounds, one reason Mike Pence is wise to protect his marriage is that it may end up influencing more people than his role as Vice President.
The sinful nature of human beings. Many have expressed scorn about the idea that men and women can’t be trusted to spend time together alone with a co-worker who is not their spouse. Yet don’t we all know people who have wrecked their marriage by having an affair with a co-worker?
The fact is that many just don’t understand the biblical truth that even mature followers of Christ are still vulnerable to temptation and pride. We are, in the words of the old hymn, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.” As a result, we must recognize our need to flee from temptation and to remain humble before God, confessing our sins daily.
In an excellent article on The Atlantic website, Andrew Exum writes, “What an age to be alive! The internet has broken out into a feverish and wildly entertaining debate over, of all things, the fallen nature of man.” Later he says, “I’m not sure when Americans stopped being so clear-eyed about man’s sinful nature, but it surely wasn’t too long ago that we could all agree that men and women are frail creatures who, when left to their own devices, often fail to do the right thing morally.”
Exum is a former U.S. deputy assistant secretary of defense for Middle East policy, and he makes it clear he believes the Billy Graham Rule is “misguided.” But he also writes, “I completely understand why a husband and wife would want to place guardrails in their personal conduct to protect their marriage from both the temptations of the flesh as well as the many other ways in which marriages can atrophy or grow cold over time.”
If only we could find that kind of understanding more often in our polarized media world.
When I saw the uncontrollably shaking shoulders of my stepdaughter-in-law as she wept at our wedding, I knew the stepmom life was going to be harder than I thought.
Since both my husband and I were widowed, I thought our situation would be less complicated, and perhaps it is in some ways. But in general, stepfamilies are hard no matter what your circumstances were before remarriage.
As a stepmom, you start off in the negative, thanks to Hollywood stereotypes and just the general sensitive nature of blended families. If you’re likeable, then loyalty is an issue; if your ways are different (and they are), then tradition is an issue; and if you’re not perfect (and you’re not), all your flaws are scrutinized. Fact is, you are between a rock and a hard place, no matter what.
But the good news is that plants, flowers, and even trees thrive between the crevices of rocky mountain tops all over the world. One is left to wonder how the roots of a giant tree find the room and nutrients to grow in such places. Whether we can explain it or not, they do.
So don’t despair. It is possible to be a healthy stepmom, no matter how hard the ground is.
There are some basic bits of advice that can help stepmoms in any situation. But first, take your expectations off the table, put your OCD in a drawer, and get ready for guidelines, not magic potions. Give yourself some room for error, and learn to pick yourself up and try again. Here are seven of the rules that I’m living by. Hopefully they will help you right where you are.
1. Know your place, but demand respect.
My stepson, Seth, was 14 when my husband and I married. From the beginning he said he liked me better than his dad’s other girlfriends. When I asked him why, he said, “Because you didn’t try to be my mother.” Most stepmoms have a hard time finding this balance. They either try to be a second mother to their stepkids, or else they push them away and have no relationship. But there is a place in between.
You are not your stepchildren’s mother. They have a mother, and you are not it. Even when the mother is deceased, those children still love their mother, and you will never be able to replace her, so don’t try.
That does not mean, however, that you don’t deserve respect and even love. Think of yourself like a teacher or mentor. You can be a godly female influence in their lives, especially if their biological mother is not a Christian. Titus 2:7-8 says, “Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.” Don’t try to force that love and relationship, but grow into it just like you would with any stranger.
That does not mean that the children can run over you and treat you with disrespect. They don’t have to feel close to you, but they do have to respect your position, just like a teacher or parent of a friend.
2. Show love to your stepchildren even when it’s not returned.
Matthew 5:44 says, “But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” The hardest action in the world is to love someone who consistently disrespects you or ignores your gestures of kindness. But that’s why we have the Holy Spirit living in us—to give us this supernatural power!
As a stepmom, you have the opportunity to practice living in the spirit more than the flesh. There will be days when this is harder than others, and on those days, pray. Think about your family in the future, and consider the love you are giving now—with no return—as seeds for the future. One day it will pay off.
For those in a divorce situation, you might have figured out by now that an active ex-spouse is like an in-law. Because you share kids, your husband’s ex-wife is a permanent part of your family. If you want to have a less complicated life, it is wise to make peace with your “ex-spouse-in-law,” a term coined by Ron Deal, founder of FamilyLife Blended® and author of The Smart Stepfamily.
Be the light of Christ in your situation. You can’t help the way the ex treats you, but you can choose how to treat her. Proverbs 11:30 says, “The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life.” The way you act directly affects the quality of your life. Let the consequences of your right actions bring life to your family.
4. Cultivate your marriage.
Read books, go to marriage conferences. My husband and I have a regular date night set for every Friday, and we make it a priority. You might think a regular babysitter is costly, but divorce and emotional trauma is a lot more expensive.
You can also find reasonable ways to cut back on babysitting costs. Use resources at your church or trade babysitting with another couple. One thing to avoid: Don’t make the oldest child babysit unless they are all biological siblings. You don’t want your time together as a couple interpreted by your family as a sour event.
5. Even when being a stepmom is a thankless job, God sees you.
Do your work for Him. Your husband won’t appreciate everything you do the way you want him to. Your stepchildren may never thank you or value all you do for them. But God remembers every good deed you’ve done. First Corinthians 15:58 says, “Therefore, my bellowed brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”
Be the kind of stepmom to those kids that you would want for your kids. When I get really irritated with my teenager and feel a root of bitterness setting in, I ask myself how his mother, Kari, would want me to treat him. And I ask myself, If Kari were in my place and I in hers, what would I want for my children?
6. Show grace, grace, grace in your stepfamily.
The people in your stepfamily are imperfect people, just like you. They get their feelings hurt; they misinterpret things; and they miscommunicate. Sometimes, they simply disagree because they’ve come from a different family culture and worldview.
Expect there to be some problems. And expect those problems to last a while. According to Ron Deal, it takes seven years for a blended family to bond—seven years! That means some of your children will be teenagers or even grown adults by the time you start to see each other as “family.”
Second Corinthians 8:7 says, “But as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in all earnestness, and in our love for you—see to it that you excel in this act of grace also.” It’s great to read all the books on being a good stepmom and work on all the issues that a blended family faces, but as you do all of that, don’t forget to live in grace. None of those other things will work without the balm of grace poured over all of it.
7. Finally, grow a garden.
Let’s face it, sometimes life gives you, well (if you’ll pardon me), crap. But when that happens, you have a choice to make. You can wallow in it, spread it around, and wipe it on everyone around you. Or you can gather it up and put it in a garden, where it will grow wonderful produce and make everything in your life really healthy. You just can’t have a really great garden without a whole lot of crap.
The issues you’re going through are just a part of your testimony, and that testimony will produce peace, joy, and lead people closer to Christ if you don’t waste the value of it. Take all the lessons that you’ve learned and do something with them. Help others through their problems, write your testimony, speak for your women’s Bible study group. Take the problems and use them for God’s glory.
None of these steps are easy. They take discipline, and hard work to hold your tongue and think before you react. They take a lot of selflessness, and that’s been hard for everyone in the history of mankind. But the more you work at it, the better you’ll be.
One thing is certain: If you give up, then nothing is going to grow between the rock and the hard place. But if you sow the seeds and wait on God, you will be amazed at what He can do through you.
Colossal images of Presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln tower above tourists in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Known as Mount Rushmore, it was shaped by 400 men and women over 14 long years. Their work was treacherous; they often risked their lives. But by using chisels and dynamite, they transformed granite into something far bigger than life.
In a sense, parents today are chisels in the hand of God, shaping their children into the likeness of Jesus Christ. The Bible is filled with God’s expectations for parents, beginning in Genesis 18:19, “… that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD …”
And Deuteronomy 6:4-7 tells parents to diligently teach their children the ways of God. “You shall talk of them when you sit in your house,” it says, “and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
In other words, intentional discipleship—deliberately pouring God’s truth into our children—is a vital aspect of parenting. Here are four reasons why this is important:
1. God commands it. Ephesians 6:4 tells us, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Also look at passages like Psalm 78:4, Joshua 24:15, Proverbs 22:6, and 2 Timothy 3:15, and see that God’s plan for children has always been that parents would be the primary disciple makers.
Church programs can certainly be helpful and beneficial. But they can’t take the place of parenting. If a child spends four hours at church a week, that still pales in comparison to the amount of time they spend with their parents.
Psalm 1:1-3 says that those who delight in the law of God and meditate on it will be blessed. But in order for your children to know the truths of Scripture, and follow its teachings, they need instruction.
So help your children understand what should be the purpose of their lives: to enjoy God and glorify Him forever. When they understand this, they can live lives that truly matter.
“Let no Christian parents fall into the delusion that Sunday school is intended to ease them of their personal duties,” said Charles Spurgeon, one of the most influential preachers of the 19th century. “The first and most natural condition of things,” he said, “is for Christian parents to train up their own children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”
2. If you don’t disciple your children, the world will. Each day your children are exposed to messages from our culture about how they should look, think, and act. As they grow older, this exposure will increase. That’s why it’s important for us to be intentional in our discipleship—to help our children learn how to walk with Christ in an immoral world.
When you became a follower of Christ, God’s Word says you were transformed into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). And the gospel affects all that you are, including how you parent.
One day your children will stand before the throne of the God of the universe and give an account of their lives. So let Christ compel you to be the parent you were designed to be. Train your children in God’s ways.
Please don’t let the culture dictate to you how you should raise your children and grandchildren. A friend of mine said, “The removal of God from schools began with the removal of God from homes.”
3. Your soul needs instruction, too. Too often, instead of seeking God, we reach out to other things to worship. We look to our career, our possessions, sports, our children’s popularity and accomplishments. You weren’t made to worship these things. Instead, you were made to worship the God who created you.
As you intentionally instruct your children in the ways of Christ, your own soul will find refreshment in the truths of Scripture. As you teach, you learn. As you teach your children to worship, you worship. As they grow, you grow. And your soul needs this.
4. True followers of Jesus Christ need to fill our churches and world. People living around you need to see that you desire to worship God with every aspect of your life. And your children need to understand that the church isn’t an add-on to your family’s week, but what you schedule your week around.
Show your children tangible examples of generosity, grace, and sharing the gospel. Get them ready to be of use to the church. Pray that they will be on this side of the mission carrying the banner of Christ to places still unreached, not on the other side of the mission needing to be reached.
Rearing your children with the goal of God’s glory isn’t common. When your children’s friends come over, they need to see that your family is different. They need to see that you love Christ more than your kids’ popularity. More than gymnastics. More than sports.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,” Psalm 127:3-4 says, “the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.” I love this imagery. The Bible says children are like arrows in the hands of a warrior.
That’s a manly image. Arrows. In the hands of a warrior. In a sense, God has given us this mighty weapon in children, whom we can rear and then shoot out at the forces of darkness and press them back as the kingdom of God advances.
In the classic war movie Braveheart, there is a battle scene that I’ll long remember. First, the archers let loose a barrage of arrows. And the arrows continue to come … wave after wave.
Our children are like arrows that we send into the world. So get your arrows ready.
A top priority
No matter how busy you are, make the spiritual discipleship of your children a top priority. This might mean giving up some good things for God’s best.
And know that you don’t have to be a spiritual “expert” to train your children. Just open your Bible and read it with your kids. If they have questions, point them to God’s Word and search out His truths together.
Also, lead intentional times of family devotions and prayer. Spend time two or three nights a week helping your children memorize Scripture, talking about the Bible, singing songs of the faith, and explaining the gospel and its ramifications.
May you and I strive for holiness in our families by intentionally discipling our children. By doing this, our families, churches, and communities will be affected positively for our good and for God’s glory.
Editor’s Note: On March 20-22, 2017, author Gary Thomas was interviewed on FamilyLife Today® about his book Cherish. During the interview, he mentioned to host Dennis Rainey, and co-host Bob Lepine that some Christian classics have helped shape his thinking about grace.
As promised on FamilyLife Today®, here is Gary’s personal list of favorite Christian literature classics that address humility and virtue. Please note, these are not all evangelical books:
Overcoming Sin and Temptation by John Owen
The Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis
A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life by William Law
The Spiritual Combat by Lorenzo Scupoli
Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross
Christian Perfection: Devotional Reflections on the Christian Life by Francois de Salignac de La Mothe Fenelon
A Treatise Concerning Religious Affection by Jonathan Edwards
Carol, a mother with an Autism Spectrum/Autism Spectrum Disorder (AS/ASD) child, could easily describe how hard being a single parent was. She prayed for years for a loving husband to help her raise her ASD son and his neuro-typical (NT) older sister.
But now that she’s remarried and trying to blend a stepfamily of six, Carol wonders if staying single would have served her children better.
Rachel, Carol’s 12-year-old daughter, really liked Jerry at first, and Rachel was glad to see her mom dating again. As the big sister in a single parent home, Rachel had grown accustomed to helping her mom care for Andy, her 9-year-old ASD brother. Rachel also worried about her mother who was abandoned by her husband over conflicts in caring for Andy, leaving Carol essentially alone to provide financially for the family and manage the home. Jerry made her mom smile and laugh again, and Rachel loved seeing that.
Eventually, however, the initial lift that was brought to the home fell prey to the tasks of integrating two families. Jerry brought two children to the marriage, as well—a 13-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son (both NT). He shares custody with his ex-wife and the kids split their time between the two homes. It turns out that Jerry and Carol did much of their dating while his kids were at their mom’s house, so no one quite anticipated what the relationships between the kids would be once the wedding took place and everyone moved in together. Part-time “getting to know you” activities became a full-time clash of realities.
Merging two families is nearly always stressful for stepfamilies—they are combining cultures, values, loss, parenting styles, financial situations, and daily living preferences, all while trying to learn to love and trust after having been wounded and scarred by the past. In the best of situations, this naturally creates stress. Add a special needs child and parenting demands to the list, and stress increases exponentially.
Jerry assumed that because his son, Tyler, and Andy were so close in age they would enjoy each other and play well together. He wanted them to share a room together, but Carol insisted that Andy keep his own room in order to maintain continuity for Andy in the midst of family change. Jerry, now Andy’s stepdad, became aggravated that Andy gets “so many unfair privileges.” But his frustration escalated to fear when his son started dragging his feet about coming over for visitation. When Jerry asked why, Tyler said he’d rather stay at his mom’s than have to deal with Andy.
Meanwhile, things between Carol and Rachel were not good with Jerry’s daughter, Jennifer. Stepmothers and stepdaughters commonly have tension while bonding, but Carol and Jennifer’s relationship was complicated even more by Andy. And then there were the differences between the girls. In caring for her brother over time, Rachel had matured beyond her years; Carol couldn’t understand why Jennifer wasn’t the same. Jennifer seemed self-absorbed in comparison. Needless to say, the two sides—mother and daughter vs. Jennifer—remained disconnected and struggled to enjoy each other.
Like salt in a wound, these stepfamily issues just added stress to the never-ending emotional, educational, and physical care of Andy. Andy’s father declined most of his visitation time, and when he did take Andy and Rachel for the weekend, he refused to honor Carol’s structure for their son. Andy would get out of sync and spread the distress on the rest of the family upon returning home.
Carol was at a loss. She kept thinking that maybe she should have stayed single. Maybe she should get another divorce and go back to the way things were. There seemed to be no way to make it all work.
Finding hope
Is there hope for families like this one? Absolutely. There is a way to work this out with some time and the right tools. There must be growth on both sides and strong couple unity in how to manage the home, but in the meantime, they should expect stress and transition. Carol and Jerry will find hope for their family when they merge what they are learning about healthy stepfamily living and effective ASD parenting, in addition to renewing their spiritual values.
Growing as a stepfamily involves a huge amount of change, and physical and mental disabilities only make that more complicated. A person on the autism spectrum (AS/ASD) has rigid routines, has a restrictive and/or intense focus, struggles to connect interpersonally and emotionally, may have behavioral challenges, and does not respond well to change. It is no wonder, then, that many clinicians believe the divorce rate of ASD blended families to be higher than other stepfamilies. To avoid another family disruption, couples must get proactive in managing their home and protecting their marriage.
Practical help for ASD stepfamilies
A thorough exploration of ASD stepfamily dynamics would require an entire book. However, below is some practical help for commonly reported dilemmas. For more on healthy stepfamily living, read Ron’s articles or books including The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage, and for more on ASD families read Stephanie’s book Confessions of a Christian Counselor: How Infertility and Autism Grew My Faith.
As the stepparent, you need perspective.You knew when you stepped into the picture that caring for an ASD child meant carrying all the responsibilities and obligations of parenthood; however, you may not have fully understood what that meant until after the wedding. Experiencing AS/ASD on a daily basis will certainly open your eyes. It is okay to learn as you go, but learn you must. Keep an open mind; ask lots of questions; and make it your goal to unify your marriage around ASD matters.
Let us add here that we applaud your willingness to give and love in this way. You are taking on a complex family system (and the autistic child may not fully understand or appreciate that) and are doing so by choice. This is a heroic task and we commend you for it.
In many dissolved AS/ASD families one biological parent has left the marriage and parenting responsibilities to avoid stressors or responsibilities of having a special needs child. (Ironically, once you step in, they may now fight the structure or protocols you and your spouse put in place to support the AS/ASD child.) Don’t feel obligated to make up for all of the birth parent’s mistakes or fill all the gaps he or she left behind. Just be who you need to be and work in concert with your spouse to determine your best role. (Remember, the parent who cares for the child is the expert on ASD children.) Talk with your own children and educate them about what is needed regarding structure in the home.
Here are some additional suggestions:
If you are still dating, move slowly toward marriage. Carol and Jerry inadvertently segregated their dating time and didn’t allow all of the children time to adjust to each other or the realities of an ASD parenting situation. This common mistake led to a huge problem that blind-sided them after the wedding.
Instead, take time to learn about AS/ASD while dating and share both what you’re learning and experiencing with your kids (if you have them). As you increasingly consider marriage, be proactive to get all of the children together (to the extent you can) in order to consider the family mix. What happens when they are together should carry a lot of weight. In other words, getting them together is not just a “play-date,” but it should affect your decision about whether you continue dating, marry, or go your separate ways. If you can’t be a family, think long and hard about not getting married.
Move slowly with transitions or big changes. Getting married is a big transition. But for an ASD child, so is adding the stepparent’s furniture to the home, or changing a Saturday afternoon routine to go see a new step-grandmother. Trust your spouse. Major and sudden changes may cause behavioral or emotional meltdowns and thus disruption to your family. AS/ASD persons can learn new transitions, but they must move slowly.
Lower your bonding expectations. By definition, AS/ASD persons have issues connecting relationally. This will be the same with you. Don’t take it personally. Also, he or she may say socially inappropriate things when stressed like, “I don’t like you;” “I don’t want you here;” “I don’t like those new kids—they are not my brothers and sisters;” or “I want my dad;” etc. These are expressions of difficulty with transition. Do not try to force yourself or your children into a relationship. Just focus on walking through the open doors you do have. As the child adjusts to the new normal and learns to trust you, (s)he will let you know when the door opens wider.
Connect with intentionality. A great way to bond with the AS/ASD child is through their special interests. For example, if they are into weather and weather patterns, learn about that and try to converse or do activities around that topic. Special interests are good access points for building relationships.
Learn tolerance. Learn why the AS/ASD child behaves the way he or she does. Understanding that their brain is not neurologically wired the same as other NT kids is vital. Learn all you can about their cognitive capacity and how you can work within it.
Bridge the gaps in your marriage and parenting
In our book The Smart Stepmom, Laura Petherbridge and I (Ron) outline how children respond differently to biological parents and stepparents in blended families. Even when there isn’t an AS/ASD child in the home, the contrast is striking. For example, when biological parents make a mistake, their children are quick to offer them forgiveness. On the other hand, stepparents receive quick judgement and children are easily angered at them.
Biological parents are granted “insider status,” which means they get automatic love, approval, trust, and are considered moral authorities. Stepchildren are deciding if and how much to love, approve of, trust, and listen to their stepparent, and in the beginning consider them “outsiders” who have to earn their way in. These relationship differences also impact how the adult views and responds to the child. For example, biological parents may inherently trust their child’s explanation for how the milk got spilled while the stepparent wonders if there’s more to the story.
There are even more differences when the biological parent has an AS/ASD child.
If the AS/ASD child has had difficulties with other adult caregivers, the biological parent may be fiercely protective of the child. The stepparent may feel this is too harsh and controlling.
The biological parent has gained knowledge of AS/ASD through the years, but a stepparent is beginning at ground zero and, therefore, at a disadvantage to know how to contribute to parenting.
The biological parent knows what triggers the child and what causes meltdowns; the stepparent may view meltdowns as manipulative misbehavior.
The biological parent budgets for therapy/treatment/resources; the stepparent may not anticipate those types of financial obligations.
The biological parent knows where the child started and has watched his/her progress; the stepparent only sees where the child is now and cannot appreciate his or her accomplishments.
In addition, biological siblings are used to the AS/ASD child and accommodating to their needs; stepsiblings are caught off guard and might feel violated by how much life is oriented around the AS/ASD child’s needs.
Here are some suggestions to help parents and stepparents bridge these gaps:
Discuss your feelings without placing blame or trying to apply simple solutions (which the AS/ASD parent knows will not work). In the first couple of years, we suggest the family adapt to the routines already in place for the AS/ASD child. Changes can come eventually, but should come slowly and only after much discussion between the couple. Stepparents will likely be making many adjustments and sacrifices on behalf of the needs of the AS/ASD child, so biological parents should be compassionate with their frustrations. They should also strive to over communicate about family structure to help the stepparent and stepsiblings adapt well.
Date and dine. We also suggest couples make time to date one another—and not allow their couple time to be invaded by problem discussions related to the AS/ASD child. Reserve a business meeting for that! Date nights need to be about strengthening your “us-ness” so that love and trust foster a safe place to nurture a newly formed family and its complications.
Find some time. Each person in the home needs a hobby. The special needs child takes a lot of energy. You need time alone for self-care so you can have the energy you need to take care of the child. Everyone needs a break! NT siblings, especially, need an autism-free zone where they can get a break and be the focus of attention from parents. Autism cannot be the only identity of the family.
Learn patience. It will take time to learn about the needs of the child and to merge your family. Find outside support (e.g., a support group or local church ministry) and stay determined to the process.
Learn organizational skills. Structure and order is a must for the AS/ASD family. If that is not your forte as a parent, work at it!
Recognize the importance of spiritual strength. I (Stephanie) don’t know where I would be without my faith in God and prayer. Overcoming my “Why did you do this to me, God?” struggle took lots of prayer from myself and others, but now I can see the gift our family has.
Don’t neglect the child who is not special needs. Make a strong effort to engage all your children so they don’t feel neglected and become resentful of the special needs child.
Find joy in small victories. Not everything is a setback, not everything has to be worked on now. When there is an accomplishment, no matter how small, celebrate it. Joy is contagious. Joy inspires hope.
Work toward prevention. Study your child and try to prevent meltdowns instead of always doing meltdown recovery. This does not mean to give in at all costs, but when going to a new environment, for example, anticipate what might set the child off. What can you do to make him or her successful in the situation and not compromise the whole family night?
Learn to be flexible. Things change; plans change; life happens. You cannot predict every eruption that may happen with a spectrum child so learn to be flexible and adapt.
Finding reward in the journey
The average stepfamily journey consists of a few predictable steps: First, a couple falls in love and decides to marry. Second, just as when two rivers merge, the new stepfamily wrestles through a number of “white water” adjustments as they figure out how to be family with one another. And, third, the once-fractured but now-bonded family enjoys smooth, rewarding waters brought about by their hard work and determination. In general, a typical stepfamily needs five to seven years to begin experiencing rewards. (Some families take longer).
Likewise, AS/ASD stepfamilies will move through similar stages, but given the complexities and various layers of an AS/ASD child, the intensity of the rapids can be even greater, and the length of time required to smooth out the white-water torrents may increase. Yet, it can be done. We hope that AS/ASD stepfamilies will be encouraged. Finding family harmony is possible, but it will require intentionality and determination.
Reprinted with permission from Autism Parenting Magazine, June 2016.
One Saturday morning I was in our bedroom closet. I noticed that my wife’s side of the closet looked much better than mine. I thought, I need to make my side look better, and decided I would arrange and clean my side of the closet. Now, I am not really wired for arranging and cleaning anything—certainly not closets. When I see something that needs to be arranged, I typically rearrange the piles so they are in different places, but they’re still piles.
My wife, Mary Ann, walked in and asked, “What are you doing?”
“I’m cleaning the closet.”
And then she kindly and graciously said, “No, you’re not. Here, let me help.”
I was so grateful! I was grateful that God gave me somebody who is better at closets than I am.
That is a simple and silly illustration, but God made us different to complement one another. Sometimes our differences annoy one another.
I believe that when God created us male and female, He made us different in more than just biological ways. I believe that different skills, abilities, and interests are hardwired into the souls of men and women. Not all differences between us are defined by gender, but there is enough evidence to support the legitimacy of certain gender distinctions.
I believe the following characteristics are true for most men, but maybe not all men. What this means is that there are some common ways men are broken or messed up or in need, and there are some common ways a wife can help her husband be what God wants him to be by understanding his flesh patterns.
1. A husband needs a helper. He doesn’t need a wife who nags or scolds or shames. He doesn’t need a wife who complains about him to others or who tries to control him. He needs a wife who will be his ally and his partner.
God knew your gaps and He knew your husband’s gaps and He said, “I am going to put the two of you together.” Some of that gap-filling will take some sandpaper, because there are rough edges to get it working. But when it fits, it’s a beautiful thing.
There may be gaps in your husband’s life in the area of finances, parenting, taking care of the house or the car, or leading the family spiritually. God said, “Ladies, a man needs help. I gave you to him to be a helper.”
2. A husband needs his wife’s perspective. He doesn’t see 360 degrees. He needs the benefit of your intuition and your insights. He needs you to share your perspective with him humbly and respectfully, and he doesn’t need your harsh, hard judgment or criticism of his failures or mistakes.
3. A husband needs his wife’s support and encouragement. No matter how confident he may appear, men are insecure and have self doubts. He needs his wife to provide support and encouragement.
4. If a husband feels he’s not winning at something, his impulse is not to keep trying, but to quit and spend his time doing things where he can win. He needs to feel like he’s succeeding at the things he’s doing. And that leads to the next point …
5. A husband needs his wife to believe in him and cheer him on. He needs to know that his wife is on his team even if he has just messed up. He needs to know that his wife is with him, no matter what, and that she wants to be part of the solution rather than just pointing out what he did wrong.
After I speak at a conference, people will often approach me and say things like, “That was so helpful” or “Thanks for that message—it was just what I needed to hear.” I appreciate those comments, but I’ve got to say that if Mary Ann is in the audience, I’m even more encouraged when she says, “You did great!”
We need a cheerleader. We need to know you love us and you’re going to stay with us no matter what.
6. A husband needs his wife to give him grace and still love him even when he makes mistakes or fails. In other words, a husband needs his wife to respond to him in a way that demonstrates the mercy and grace of God.
7. A husband would rather be respected than loved. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be loved. It just means that respect is huge.
I’ve observed that many men who do not feel respected at home will try to find respect somewhere else—a business, a hobby, or even in the arms of another woman. Don’t misunderstand me here—I’m not excusing infidelity, and I’m not rationalizing the sinful choices of a man. I’m just observing what often happens in marriage.
8. One of the most powerful ways a wife can encourage, affirm, and minister to her husband is by responding to him sexually. I’ve already discussed a man’s need for affirmation and respect; probably the most powerful way you can affirm and respect your husband is when you respond to him sexually.
9. A husband needs his wife to have an unshakable confidence in the goodness and sovereignty of God. This will mean that she will respond to her husband’s leadership. She will not seek to control him or to control things that are in God’s hands.
With God, we have to learn to trust Him and surrender to Him. That can sometimes be difficult even though we know that He will never leave us or forsake us, that He has promised good to us, and that He is working all things together for good.
It can be much harder to surrender to a husband who is fallible—who has demonstrated that he is not perfect and that he doesn’t always have your best interest at heart. The only reason you would surrender control to a husband is because God has directed you to do that, and because He promises to always be with you, even when your husband messes up.
Ultimately, it is God who makes it possible for us to honor each other and serve one another and care for each other and forgive each other in marriage. Our differences make it difficult to live in harmony, but God gives us the power to work through those differences with love and humility.
Famed Russian-born ballet choreographer George Balanchine once said, “Ballet is woman.” The best male dancers recognize that their role is all about showcasing the female dancer’s beauty, particularly during pas de deux—couples’ dancing.
People generally go to the ballet to see the beautiful form, grace, balance, coordination, and strength of the female lead, but all of those qualities are even better showcased when the ballerina has a male dancer who can set her up, catch her, and support her.
As a former male dancer and later choreographer, Balanchine said his job was to “make the beautiful more beautiful.”
What if we considered that our job as husbands and wives was “to make the beautiful more beautiful”? By supporting, stabilizing, lifting, and turning our spouses to the “best sides” of their strengths and personalities, our spouses can become more and do more than they ever could on their own. We essentially affirm the beautiful we see in them by helping them become even more beautiful.
Some of our spouses may not even realize they have a best side. It’s our job—and joy—to help them discover it. Others may have never allowed their best side to flourish—or even be seen—because they’re insecure. If that’s the case, when we learn to cherish them, we will provide the support they need.
Learning to showcase
“Showcasing”—making the deliberate mental shift to cherish our spouses by highlighting their beauty to others in the same way a dancer focuses on supporting his partner—is an essential part of learning how to cherish our spouses. If two dancers are each trying their hardest to be noticed above or even by each other, the performance is going to be a colossal, ugly failure.
Husbands can take the attitude of male dancers, seeking to showcase their wives’ beauty. It may be the beauty of wisdom, so in social settings we do our best to ensure she is heard. It may be the beauty of leadership, and we support her so she can cast vision with others. It may be the beauty of hospitality, and we buy the things she needs and open up our homes (when we might prefer to be left alone) so her beauty can be on full display. We remind ourselves, “Today my job is to cherish her.”
Very few marriages would ever approach divorce if each spouse would make one of their first daily comments to each other be this: “How can I support you today? How can I make your day better?”
If wives adopted this attitude, supporting their mates to perform feats they could never do on their own, they might soon be married to “different” husbands with the same names—more confident, more at peace, more engaged at home. What if a husband knew—in the deepest part of his soul—that his wife was his strongest support, his most encouraging partner? What would that do to him?
What if he was willing to risk failure out in the world or at home with his kids because he knew in his wife’s eyes he would always be her cherished champion? She supports him and stabilizes him, and when he fails, she binds up his wounds—spiritual and emotional—constantly turning and lifting him so his strongest side is always showing. What if every wife woke up and thought to herself, Today my job is to cherish him by showcasing his best side to others?
Showcasing is cherishing
Learning to showcase our spouses in this way requires that we learn to appreciate a different kind of pleasure: our spouses’ above our own.
Showcasing is the exact opposite of being selfish.
Worldly love loves because of what we get out of it:
“I love you because you make me feel so good.”
“I love you because you make me happy.”
“I love you because you are so lovable.”
Infatuated couples don’t think like this, but they do feel like this, which is why they can become so bitter and resentful when the infatuation fades and they have to try to rebuild an intimate marriage based on authenticity and service.
Cherishing our spouses isn’t served by resenting our spouses but by showcasing them, which requires a certain self-forgetfulness and a corresponding determination to focus on our spouses. Another way to put it is that the call to cherish isn’t to appreciate being pleasured by your spouse but to take pleasure in the pleasure of your spouse. You feel more elated over their blessings than even your own. To cherish is to almost desperately want others to see the best side of your spouse the way you do.
Picture a male dancer who has just supported, tossed, caught, turned, and showcased the ballerina, lifting her up for her final move—one that is so powerful and graceful and brilliant that when she lands in the spotlight, the audience leaps to their feet in a thunderous standing ovation.
And the male dancer slowly steps back into the shadows, his heart racing with exertion and pleasure.
The ballerina is adored, so his job is done. The standing ovation for her brings him great joy.
That’s what it means to cherish.
Here’s a curious truth some of you may find difficult to believe: The more you cherish your spouse, the more joy you’ll have in your relationship. When you see others adore and admire your spouse, it makes your heart adore and admire your spouse that much more. Showcasing may seem like a strange backdoor to happiness, but I’m telling you, it works. When you get your highest joy by giving your spouse joy, marriage takes off.
How can you better cherish your spouse so he or she can become the person God made them to be? What do you have to do in private? What do you have to do in public? What’s the best way for you to showcase your particular spouse with their particular personality and gifts while helping them overcome their vulnerabilities and weaknesses?
If your spouse is an introvert, rather than push them onto center stage, it may mean making sure you stay by him or her in social situations because they need your support. You don’t resent this—not if you cherish your spouse. You find comfort in knowing your spouse feels comfortable.
If your spouse needs time alone, showcasing may mean offering them opportunities to go off by themselves. You don’t resent this or take it personally; instead, you find a quiet contentment knowing their needs are being met.
Showcasing is all about making the beautiful yet more beautiful.
In his book Marriage Rebranded, Tyler Ward writes, “If your spouse isn’t loved well, he or she may not live out their potential good in the world … As we learn to love and therefore give to our spouse, we not only become the best version of ourselves—we offer our spouse the chance to become the best version of him or herself as well. Love, then, is giving for the sake of our spouse’s becoming.”
Love is giving for the sake of our spouse’s becoming.
Probably 90 percent of the couples who ask for my counsel have, at its root, the problem that both of them want to play first violin. The concept of cherishing—valuing someone, holding someone dear, wanting to showcase their beauty the way a new fiancée shows off her engagement ring, taking pleasure in your spouse’s pleasure—helps us recapture a better, more productive, and more intimacy-enhancing mindset.
You can have everything else right in marriage—you can even be perfectly compatible—but if you stop showcasing each other, the marriage will eventually grow stale, if not downright miserable. It doesn’t matter how strong a dancer you are, men; you could have the arms of an Olympic champion and quadriceps like tree trunks, but if you drop your ballerina instead of catch her; if you step in front of her instead of lift her; if you flex your muscles instead of showcasing hers, that’s going to be one ugly ballet performance.
Romance is fickle, unpredictable, and fragile. It comes and goes, usually without warning, sending both partners on a furious chase to recapture the spark. Cherishing expressed by showcasing is deliberate and intentional, and it provides a consistent path to ever-increasing marital intimacy and happiness.
Listen to best-selling author Gary Thomas on FamilyLife Today® explain that when you show off the beauty of your spouse and showcase them instead of yourself, you are cherishing them.
For several years I earned my living as a small business owner. I liked to call myself a “marketing mutt” who tackled all sorts of communication projects for business clientele. What I couldn’t handle, I’d subcontract and mark up. Wearing so many hats, I often found myself in the midst of moments that taught me a lot about myself—where I was competent, and where it turned out I’d had delusions of adequacy.
One of those moments occurred while working on a project for a local roofing company. It was led by a reputable and talented CEO, Rick Steinrock. Rick’s team did high-end work and I considered it a privilege to work directly with him on a new website for his company. The same qualities you wanted in your roof, he personally embodied: he was reliable, sound, and dependable.
There was another side to Rick: With all this high confidence and utter competence, he was humble and easy to work with. The stereotype of someone in his kind of work would be that he’d be the gruff and demanding alpha dog. Instead, he was calm, unassuming, and self-controlled.
As a man of high character and integrity, Rick expected full accountability from those with whom he worked. His word was his bond, and if you engaged with him, he expected the same from you.
At this point in my career, I was more talented than I was dependable. I had a nasty habit of overcommitting myself and then allowing projects to flounder.
While working on the website for Rick, I became overloaded. I had made too many commitments to too many clients, and I fell way behind on deadlines. I don’t recall intentionally pushing Rick’s project to the bottom of my list, but for whatever reason, I allowed it to suffer the most. When some deadlines were missed, I began receiving calls from Rick asking for updates. I compounded the problem of being behind by trying to dodge Rick’s calls, and I failed to return a few of them.
Bracing for impact
One day, as I exited our church sanctuary, I spotted Rick in the hallway. Before I could duck behind a trash can, he spotted me. It had been about three weeks and a few unreturned phone calls since we talked. Rick calmly headed toward me. I knew this would not go well, and I braced for impact.
I wouldn’t have blamed him for tearing into me with some degree of wrath. Instead, he shook my hand and said, “Hi Kent. Do you have a minute to chat?” I nodded sheepishly and we headed back into the now empty sanctuary.
I quickly checked out his garb—no tool belt or claw hammer, so I might live through this.
As we found a couple of seats and sat down, Rick looked directly at me and quietly said, “Kent, I get the impression you’re avoiding me. I’ve called you a few times, but you haven’t called me back.”
He paused, giving me the chance to acknowledge his assessment. My mouth was dry. “That’s true, Rick,” I said. “I’m sorry for that.”
He continued, “Kent, you’re not only a marketing vendor to me, you’re a brother in Christ. Therefore, when it comes to our relationship, I expected better from you, and I’m disappointed.”
This wasn’t going according to plan at all. At least in the back of my mind, I had figured on the veins standing out in his neck; clenching fists; glaring eyes; ear steam; snarled insults. Then I’d have something to work with. I could redirect the discussion toward his unseemly loss of composure. But this was a sly move! He cut off all my escape routes with one deft roadblock. Gentleness!
All I could say was, “You’re right, Rick. I have overcommitted myself and have gotten behind on a lot of things. I apologize that your project is one of them.”
He responded, “Okay, Kent. I understand. So, here’s what I expect. I expect you to find a way to regroup and get back on track. I know you’ll figure it out. I look forward to hearing from you soon.” He rose, shook my hand, and slowly walked out of the sanctuary.
That was it. He made no irrational demand. He did not insist that I give his project the highest priority. He took no next-step responsibility upon himself; clearly this was my problem to resolve. Most importantly, he assumed the best in me, even amidst this obvious failure.
A powerful display of maturity
I stayed in the sanctuary for a few minutes and wrestled with conflicting emotions. On one hand, I was ashamed and highly frustrated with myself. How could I be so unreliable? How could I let a brother down like that? Actually avoiding a man I so highly respected? What an idiot.
On the other hand, I was inspired. I knew even then I had experienced a loving rebuke intended to help me. Something inside me assured me that this is how the body of Christ was supposed to work. This guy was not out to shame, ridicule, or belittle me—he simply pointed out my mistake and suggested I man up. It was a powerful display of maturity and loving correction.
As I reflected on Rick’s handling of this situation, two Scripture verses came to mind.
The first: “Don’t rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you. Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to their learning.” (Proverbs 9:8-9, NIV).
The second: “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1).
Lessons learned
I learned a lot that day. First, I learned a key lesson about myself: I have the propensity to agree to too many things, which only leads to stress, frustration, and broken promises.
Second, I discovered I can handle a loving rebuke. And here’s the interesting thing. Handling gentle correction has actually helped me handle the not-so-gentle variety. I’ve been on the receiving end of a few blunt deliveries, and I’ve redoubled my efforts to take the best of the message and be gracious about the package it came in. I’m not responsible for someone else’s tact—just for what I do with the subject at hand.
I learned a good bit about Rick, too, and more importantly, the art of the loving rebuke.
First, Rick came to me. I’m ashamed to admit this, but in that first moment in the hallway, I probably would have ducked into some doorway or hid behind the lady with the big hat if he hadn’t clearly spotted me.
Second, Rick didn’t exhibit anger. There must have been some emotion there, but he didn’t telegraph it. Gently but frankly, Rick got to the only real issue: my lack of accountability. Without a fog of heavy emotions, we could see clearly to face and solve the problem.
Third, Rick focused on the core and most important relationship we have—brothers in Christ. That’s a factor that should change everything. And if it doesn’t, we have some serious questions to ask ourselves.
Rebuke and correction are all about helping someone align to a missed standard. We can’t do that unless we agree on what that standard entails. Ours was biblical. Yours may or may not be so, but let’s always keep in mind that there has to be an accepted common ground.
Fourth, he had facts (unreturned calls), which led him to a reasonable conclusion (intentional avoidance). He stated his view and waited for me to respond. He was gracious enough to leave open the possibility that I’d somehow missed his calls. He didn’t open our discussion with, “Hey pal, you’ve been avoiding me!” Most people skip this step and rapidly move through a machine gun volley of facts, interpretation, offense, and remedy.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, while Rick certainly wanted the marketing project back on track, he placed a priority on our relationship. I’d go so far as to say that he placed a priority on helping me become a better person.
A heart of redemption
This speaks to the heart of the one bringing the correction. The heart of the effective rebuker is to improve the other person. It’s a heart of redemption, not ridicule. When we rebuke in love with the intent to help the other person, we can actually improve and grow our relationships.
In the end, I regrouped and finished up the project for Rick to the best of my ability—and did so with a certain touch of gladness rather than shame, simply because of how Rick had handled things.
Our relationship became better than it had been in the past. This guy is the real deal when it comes to leadership and the building of solid, loving relationships. And when there are issues, he turns stumbling blocks into stepping stones. Everyone wins.
Listen to author Kent Evans on FamilyLife Today® as he encourages men to unlock the hidden wisdom of others by seeking them out as mentors. And in his book, Wise Guys, he wants to show men how to gather life-enriching truth from the guys in their own circle.
Note from Sabrina: This article was written when I was married to my first husband, David Beasley, who was killed in a car accident in 2010. Even though I have remarried, the principles in this article still hold true today in my new marriage to Robbie McDonald.
My husband, David, has been working on a large project that takes up a lot of his free time. He has sacrificed time, energy, and money to make everything work together, and at moments, he’s wondered if it’s worth the effort.
One day when he was working particularly hard, I came into his office with a glass of iced tea, looked him in the eyes, and said, “Sweetheart, do you know how proud of you I am?”
He looked at me almost with relief, then looked down and said, “Would you still be proud of me even if none of this works out?”
“Of course, I will be,” I softly assured him with a kiss and a smile. “I’m most proud of you for taking initiative and seeking to do what’s right for our family.”
His eyes lit up and his face seemed comforted. As I departed the room, leaving him to his work, he took a deep breath and the rhythm of his fingers typed out a heartier tune. Just that one small comment from me seemed to give him the peace of mind and the energy that he needed to keep going.
If I were to guess, I would say that most of us wives are proud of our husbands. But if someone were to ask your husband, “When was the last time your wife let you know that she is proud of you?” What would he say?
Shaunti Feldhahn, author of For Women Only, surveyed 1,000 men to find out their emotional needs. In a FamilyLife Today® interview with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine, Feldhahn said:
“For men, their highest need is not to feel loved and cherished, as it is [for women]. It’s to feel respected by us and trusted by us. And in fact we can spend so much time trying to show our husbands that we love them, saying, “I love you,” and doing all these things to show love. But if we tease them in public or make them think we don’t respect their decisions or don’t trust when they make a choice, they will feel disrespected, and they won’t feel loved.”
Feldhahn isn’t the first to discover this truth. As a matter of fact, the Bible has been teaching us this fact for centuries. In Ephesians 5:33b, the apostle Paul is clear in his instruction to wives: “… the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”
If it has been a while since you’ve shown your husband that you’re proud of him, don’t let another day go by without communicating your admiration. Here are 10 suggestions to help.
1. Just say it. Those five little words, “I’m so proud of you” are sometimes difficult to spit out, especially if it has been a while since you’ve said them. They may feel awkward at first, even “cheesy,” but once you begin, this little phrase won’t seem so strange anymore. But don’t just leave it at “I’m proud of you.” Tell him why: “I’m so proud of you for spending time with our son. That means a lot to him and to me.”
2. Brag about him to others. If you have children, you already have plenty of bragging practice. If little Suzie wins the county spelling bee, you put her trophy in a place of honor and tout that your little girl is a genius. But we wives often forget that our husbands crave the same type of praise.
Did you show off the new paint job he did in the bathroom? Did you buy a frame for the certificate he received at work? Have you shown your friends the lawn or garden he nurtured all summer?
While bragging to others, don’t forget to include his parents. Not only will they feel proud to know that their son is a great husband, but they will also feel encouraged that his wife recognizes it.
3. Dream with him. Early in our marriage, my husband would often tell me of his visions of entrepreneurship. I’ll never forget when he told me about his plans to build a hotdog stand. He even had a name picked out and a logo developed. He also had several other business ideas in mind, like a coupon book and a local magazine—he thought they were ingenious ideas that were eventually going to make him rich, rich, rich!
Of course, all I could see was my security flying out the door. But then my mother’s voice called back in my mind, echoing her premarital advice, “Remember to dream with him.”
Men often enjoy dreaming about the future, even when it’s not currently possible, while women tend to think in the present, counting costs, roadblocks, and impossibilities. I used to think that if I allowed David to dream, that I was non-verbally giving my permission for him to do. In reality, I’ve found that the opposite is true. He actually begins to see the practical side of things for himself.
4. Listen to your husband when he tells stories in public … and don’t correct him! Have you ever been at a friend’s house when your husband tells a story wrong? He may get most of it right, but he leaves out some interesting sideline or he gets the person’s name wrong. The standard response is, “No, that’s not the way it went. Here, let me tell it.” And then he’s left looking like a moron in front of your friends.
Let me challenge you to stop disagreeing with your husband on the little things. There may be times when he gets some details wrong, but no one is taking score about who gets the fine points right most of the time.
5. Look him in the eyes and smile. Just the way you look and react to your husband can give the impression that you are honored to be his wife.
Think about what it would mean to him if you stopped what you were doing, looked him in the eyes, listened and smiled. This action sends the message, “It pleases me to spend undistracted time with you and to hear what’s going on in your life.”
6. Resolve conflicts in private … and avoid body language that undermines your husband in public. We all get upset with our husbands at times; that’s part of marriage. But don’t drag it out in front of others. Your friends won’t see you make up later, and they’ll be left with a lasting impression of a wife’s disrespect for her husband.
I’ve been guilty of this, most often when bitterness from an earlier dispute carries over into our plans with friends that evening. When I consider my heart, I find that instead of love, my motive for huffiness is revenge, and deep down inside I hope to hurt him like he’s hurt me. So I might roll my eyes at something he says, or elbow him, or put on a look of disbelief. Body language like this quietly undermines your husband in front of others. He may not know what you’re trying to say, but he’ll read it to mean, “I’m not proud of you, and I don’t respect you.”
7. Take his side. There’s no one easier to pick on than your husband. You are all too familiar with his annoying little habits, and the areas where he needs improvement. But when others start to pick on him, take his side. The jokes might seem innocent, but if you make fun of your husband publicly, you are choosing to degrade him when you could esteem him.
The next time your husband is the brunt of teasing, stick up for him by talking about his good qualities and abilities. You don’t have to act offended, but instead act proud of who he is and what he has accomplished. As a result, you will show your honey that even when you are given a choice you still choose to give him the respect that he deserves.
8. Cheer him on. Have you ever wondered why there are cheerleaders at a football game? They aren’t helping the players throw the ball, run faster, or play smarter, but their job is just as important. They encourage the players by letting them know that someone believes they can win.
Husbands need cheerleaders, too. They don’t need someone to fix their problems for them or even tell them how to do things. As a matter of fact, trying to fix their problems can insult their masculinity. What they need are wives who believe in them.
A great example of this kind of cheerleading comes from Meredith White of Longview, Texas. When her husband, Faber, was going through medical school and working long hours, Meredith knew he was struggling just to make it through each day. So she started “What’s it Wednesdays” and would plan a weekly gift or surprise for her sweetheart. “Every week I looked forward to Wednesdays for that reason,” Faber says. ” It definitely helped me through a particularly hard time in my schooling.”
9. Be interested in his projects. Every man I know has a passion for something, from watching sports to putting together model airplanes. My husband likes to play fantasy football from August to February. I have to admit there are times when I force myself to keep from rolling my eyes at the mention of the word “football” because I want him to know that I support his desire to fellowship with his friends and take part in clean sportsmanship.
This all boils down to starting a conversation with your husband. If he is busy researching in his office, sit down and ask him about his newest venture. “What are you working on, sweetheart?” is a good way to begin. He may give you a short, non-descriptive answer like “Oh, just some stuff for fantasy football.” That’s your cue to start asking questions. Ask him how he’s been playing, how he plans to improve, and don’t forget to end with an encouraging word about how he’s going to blow away his opponents this year.
10. Teach your children to respect him. It’s easy to openly criticize your husband in front of your children, but when was the last time you boasted about him instead? Your words of admiration will not only make your children feel more secure as they witness their parents’ love, it will also encourage them to speak as highly of their father as you do.
In addition, when your kids, particularly as teenagers, make comments that disrespect their father, be sure to let them know that such speech is unacceptable. This is important for the unity of your marriage. And when your husband hears about your comments, he will feel a renewed sense of appreciation for a wife who demands respect for him.Don’t let another day go by without communicating admiration for your husband.
One of the advantages to my season of life is that I have a little more time to reflect and think. When I was raising my kids, I was so swamped in the “daily-ness” of life that I couldn’t pull back long enough to look at the big picture.
Like simmering a pot of soup to reduce the liquid, my years have condensed the necessary ingredients for married women to just a few. Time has helped me realize there are three essentials for every “M.R.S.” No matter what your marriage stage—newlyweds, young children or teenagers constantly interrupting (or both), or if you’re in the empty nest with grandkids all over the country like I am—we share some common needs.
Essential #1: Be in God’s Word.
This was supremely challenging for me when I was raising my children. Though my goal was to read the Bible regularly, I felt very frustrated and defeated much of the time. My kids would interrupt, or I’d try to get up early to read the Bible only to find a child up earlier.
Then I tried nap time. But at least one child wouldn’t go to sleep like he or she was supposed to, or another would be sick or teething. Or I’d be so tired that I couldn’t focus, which was often the case.
Once my children were older and finally all in school, I was able to be in control of my time … a little more. My husband, Dennis, and I were pushing 20 years of marriage then. I understood as never before how important it is for me to be in God’s Word for myself instead of depending on second-hand information from sermons, or books I was reading, or even from friends who talked about what they were learning. As I finally began to consistently read and study the Bible, I realized that God could speak to me … He wanted to speak to me!
As a result, I promised myself that I would be in regular, serious, inductive Bible study until I breathed my last breath. I have learned that if I don’t have the accountability of a class and an assignment that has to be done on a weekly basis, it’s too easy for me to put it off.
This may be a new thought for you: I believe God wants us women to be theologians. Have you ever thought of yourself as a theologian? Probably not. But theology is simply the study of God—knowing who He is. When we study God’s Word, we get to know Him personally and develop a relationship with Him. Therefore, we understand better why He does what He does.
Once I heard John Piper, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church in Minneapolis, say this: “Wimpy theology makes wimpy women.” I want to be a strong woman. I want my strength to come from a one-on-one relationship with God.
I discovered why strong theology is so important in 2008 when our granddaughter, Molly, died after seven days of life. During that week in the hospital with my daughter and son-in-law, I found myself reading the Bible constantly to find what was true in a terribly difficult circumstance.
Over and over I read Psalm 139:15-16a, which says, “My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance.”
God was in control. This was not a mistake. He knit Molly’s body together in my daughter’s womb. He made her the way He wanted to make her.
This Psalm goes on to say in verse 16, “in your book were written … the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Even though that week was very painful, we were confident that God formed Molly. He knew the number of her days, and her life had a purpose even though it was short.
God’s Word was our anchor during that week. God’s Word became our strength. It is the only thing that will make us strong in the storms of life.
Essential #2: Be a helper to your husband.
In Genesis, when God created Eve, He told Adam that He was making a helper for him. Before the Fall—before sin made a mess of marriage—God declared that woman was to be the helper.
It is interesting to note that helper is also part of the job description of the Holy Spirit. Jesus told the disciples, “And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth …” (John 14:16-17).
Here’s an interesting exercise: As you read the Bible, look for passages about the Holy Spirit in the New Testament and ask yourself, “How can I help my husband in a similar way?”
You can never be the Holy Spirit in your husband’s life, of course. But it is possible to find inspiration in the descriptions of what the Spirit does in our lives. For example, in the verse I just quoted Jesus said the Spirit will “be with you forever.”
As Christians, it gives us a great sense of security to know that the Holy Spirit will be with us forever. Likewise, if your husband knows that you will be with him forever—no matter what he does, no matter how bad things get—it provides great security for him, too.
Jesus also said that the Holy Spirit would “bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” He was speaking of how the Spirit would, in a supernatural way, help believers remember His words after His death and resurrection. In a similar way, I think that you can remind your husband of the truth of Christ and of God’s Word.
Romans 8:26 tells us that “The Spirit helps us in our weakness. … but the Spirit himself intercedes for us …” I think one of the great callings of wives is to intercede and pray for our husbands. Praying for our husbands—for all they are facing and all that God has called them to do—is one of the greatest gifts we can give them in our role as helper.
Essential #3: Be a world-changer.
No matter where you are, no matter what your age, the Christian life should be permeated with purpose. Jesus didn’t just save us so we could be happy and have sweet families. He rescued us from meaninglessness, from futility, to give us a life of great purpose and great calling.
Ephesians 2:10 says, “We are His workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” We need to discover what those good works are and walk in them.
If you are raising children, I want to say that you are a world-changer. You are raising young men and young women who God can use for great purposes.
It’s good to remember this when you feel like your life is consumed with the never-ending demands of children—especially when they are young. Recently I was talking with a young man in our office who said his wife “feels like she’s failing” because of their struggles with a strong-willed daughter. Every day, he said, their daughter “comes up with a new way to disobey, and a new way to push back, and a new way to break the rules. It feels like all we do is discipline this child.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “I had one like that.” Part of raising our kids is continually training and disciplining them in the hope that they will develop godly character and someday walk with Christ. Keep your ultimate goal in mind.
As your children grow older, one of the best things you can do as a world-changer is to start taking them on mission trips. You can start with serving in your own city, and then look for an opportunity to take them on an international mission trip.
It was life-changing for my kids to go with Dennis and me to Russia and visit orphanages where the kids had absolutely nothing. They saw God at work in another part of the world, and they saw God work through them to encourage others.
And if you are in the empty nest, there are still many opportunities to be a world-changer. You will still spend time with your adult children and your grandchildren, but you probably will have time for some other activity—some other kind of ministry. There are so many opportunities to help at your church or in your community.
One of the best ways to be a world-changer during this season is to mentor younger women. There are women who are a few years behind you who would love nothing more than to have coffee with you once a month and talk and ask you questions. It doesn’t matter that you’ve made lots of mistakes. I fact, the younger women will feel so much better when you tell them some of your stories of failure.
During the empty nest years there is a temptation to use your extra time just to do the things you’ve always wanted to do. My challenge is to invest this time for eternity; look for a way to reach out to other people.
The next 10 years
One of the commitments I made recently was to act as if I only have 10 more years to live. I want to make sure that I maximize the next 10 years and determine where I can make the biggest impact. I’m asking God, “What do You want me to focus on during the next 10 years?”
Years ago I heard a little phrase that goes like this: “Only one life, ’twill soon be passed. Only what’s done for Christ will last.” It’s a good reminder that we need to be living our lives for the Kingdom, especially in this day, in this generation—when so much is going on around us.
I want to encourage you to be a woman of the Word, to be a helper to your husband, and to be a world-changer where God has put you today. And be open to whatever calling He might have on your life.
Our children and I once watched a new shopping center go up near our home. Initially, workmen cleared the lot and poured the concrete pads. Then the walls went up, quickly followed by the framing for the roof.
But one day, we turned the corner and slowed our van in disbelief. The entire structure had collapsed! The wooden roof trusses lay flat in neat rows, surrounded by the remains of the crumbled brick walls.
Puzzled, we asked what had happened and learned that the carpenters had failed to secure and brace the new structure properly. The building’s roof, held in place by only two boards, collapsed under the weight of two carpenters.
As I reflected with amazement on the need for support in the building’s structure, I saw a parallel in marriage. The roof is like my husband’s self-esteem.
He needs me to believe in him
Ephesians 5:23 teaches that the husband is “the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church.” When we first married, I committed to being under the roof of Dennis’ protection. He had all the structural basics, but he was brand-new at being my protector. Like that roof, he appeared to be solidly in place, but he needed me to help secure him—to brace him by believing in him.
Fortunately, I did come alongside him. Through the years, the weight of life’s pressures sometimes shake him, but he remains solidly over me as my roof, my protector. Today, although still not perfectly secure, my husband’s structural integrity is much more stable. He tells me that I have had a major part in helping him to feel more sure of himself as a man and as a husband.
Likewise, you can strengthen your husband’s self-esteem. But first you must recognize where he needs bolstering. Many women today are so caught up in finding their own identity that they, like the carpenters who were building the shopping center, make assumptions about their husband’s self-confidence and security. Your spouse may be fully-grown on the outside, but inside he undoubtedly feels some insecurity. He’s not so sure how to be a man in this world where women have growing independence and society is changing the traditional rules of relationships.
Practical wisdom
The book of Proverbs is probably my favorite in the Bible because it contains such practical wisdom about everyday life. One of its main themes is the value of developing understanding. Consider each of these verses on understanding:
Incline your heart to understanding (2:2).
Understanding will watch over you (2:11).
Call understanding your intimate friend (7:4).
A man [or woman] of understanding walks straight (15:21).
Understanding is a fountain of life to one who has it (16:22).
While speaking at a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway, I talked to more than a dozen women who were experiencing problems in their marriages. One woman resented her husband’s schedule. Another disagreed with her husband regarding how to discipline their children. A third was a young woman whose spouse was jealous of the time she spent with her sister.
I gave these women the same advice: Seek to understand why your husband is feeling or acting this way. Focus on him, not on the negative circumstances and how you are affected. Are his actions communicating some deep needs for affirmation, commitment, or loyalty?
Also, give him your complete acceptance, even if you don’t totally understand him. It may be necessary to ask God to help you accept your husband, for it may not be easy to live with your situation.
Why is acceptance so important to a man? Because without it, he will feel that you are pressuring him to become something he’s not. With it, he will sense that you love him for who he is today and not for what you hope he will become.
1. Understand his need for work.
One area of struggle for many wives is her husband’s job and the pressures it imposes on him and everyone around him.
God gave man the responsibility to toil, sweat, and gain from the labor of his hands. His work gives him a sense of significance and importance in the world as he sees his efforts affecting life for good in the present and the future.
But this drive for significance sometimes pushes a man to extremes. In his effort to gain a sense of well-being and significance, he often becomes enslaved to his job. Attempting to gain importance through wealth or position, he makes his work his god.
On the other hand, a man who is out of work lacks true self-respect. In this age of workaholism, losing a job is a traumatic blow to a man’s esteem. It strikes at the core of his dignity. A man who doesn’t work can’t enjoy the satisfaction of a solid day’s productivity.
Your husband needs you to help him keep these two extremes in balance. He needs you to praise him for his work, but not to push him to gain too much too quickly. When a man loses or quits his job, his self-esteem can sink. During these times, he needs you to stand beside him and encourage his efforts at finding employment. Men need to work.
2. Understand his sexual needs.
Another sphere in which we wives, for the most part, do not really understand our husbands is in how his self-image is vitally linked to his sexuality. Sometimes we women judge our husbands’ sexual needs by our own.
Many wives express that they are offended because their husbands are such sexual creatures. This attitude communicates rejection to a man. To ignore his sexual needs, to resist his initiation of sex, or merely to tolerate his advances is to tear at the heart of his self-esteem.
Jill Renich points this out in her book, To Have and to Hold. She states that for a man, “Sex is the most meaningful demonstration of love and self-worth. It is a part of his own deepest person.”
The truth is, the typical man worries about his sexual performance, his wife’s enjoyment, and his ability to satisfy her. He worries about the future and all those tales he has heard about losing his ability to make love. These worries are signs of a low self-confidence. Thus, a man who feels like a failure in the marriage bed will seldom have the deep, abiding self-respect for which he longs.
But, as Jill Renich writes, “To receive him with joy, and to share sexual pleasure, builds into him a sense of being worthy, desirable, and acceptable.”
What if, on the other hand, your husband expresses little sexual need? Are you naively content because that means less risk for you? Or are you accepting or even resentful of his indifference without seeking to understand why?
Your husband may lack interest in his sexual relationship with you for one of several reasons:
He may be too busy. Many workaholics have nothing left over for home.
He may be burying his sex drive, along with many other emotions. (You or a good Christian counselor need to begin to help him open up.)
He may be experiencing depression, which takes away other basic drives as well.
He may be deeply afraid of further rejection if you have in any way communicated rejection in the past.
Unfortunately, he may be involved with another woman.
Women are generally security-minded, but too often a woman’s need for security leads her into a sexual rut. Her husband may not say much, so she assumes that he is satisfied too. But he may not be. Beware of complacency. Be willing to make some personal sacrifices to protect your marriage.
Great sacrifice communicates great love. Freely giving of yourself to your spouse will make you a magnet to him, drawing him home, keeping him safe. The wife who really loves her husband will choose to take risks to please her man.
As you spend time together physically, be sure to reassure your husband verbally of your unconditional acceptance of him, especially if he is insecure in this area. Tell him that you like his body and that his imperfections and mistakes don’t matter to you. His confidence will grow if you allow him the freedom to be himself and to be imperfect.
3. Understand his need for respect.
Part of God’s specific instruction to wives is found in Ephesians 5:33: “Let the wife see to it that she respects her husband.” In the Amplified Bible, this verse reads, “And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband—that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.”
Why does God focus on this quality of respect? Why didn’t He select other positive and necessary traits, such as kindness, sympathy, and forgiveness? And why didn’t He emphasize love?
I believe that God, as the designer of men, knew that they would be built up as they are respected by their wives. When a wife respects her husband, he feels it, is supported by it, and is strengthened from it. A man needs respect like a woman needs love.
Your husband wants and needs to make a contribution in life that is worthy of another’s respect. He needs to know that you feel he is important. Without your respect, he can’t respect himself. You are his mirror. When you express your respect, he feels valuable and esteemed.
Perhaps you are thinking, But I see little, if anything, to respect. Perhaps you are like the young mother I know whose husband drank heavily and spent little time with the children. She had a difficult time viewing him with respect and honor. A deliberate change of focus from his weaknesses to his few strengths enabled her to begin to see her spouse in a positive light. Gaining a better perspective may aid you in esteeming your husband too.
Philippians 4:8 tells us: “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” Pay attention to your husband’s admirable qualities rather than the negative ones. You can then offer him the respect that will build his self-esteem.
It takes years for him to become a man
In the months after that small shopping center near our home collapsed, the builders made changes and structural modifications. Some were external, obvious to us as we passed by, while others were internal and couldn’t be seen.
Your husband, like that shopping center, is still under construction. His self-esteem will take time, modifications, and improvements. Internally, your attitude of acceptance, respect, and adaptation are all essential to his structural integrity. Your external behavior matters, too, because your words and actions can help to construct a secure man.
Remember, it takes years for a man to become a strong husband. Be patient with him. Put aside your high expectations of how a perfect husband would lead his family spiritually, or behave socially, or perform intellectually. Keep your hope in God, not in your man. Then you will not be disappointed.
His Wife – Start by praying for change in yourself, and ask God to create in you a clean heart.
His Work
His Finances
His Sexuality
His Affection
His Temptations
His Mind
His Fears
His Purpose
His Choices
His Health
His Protection
His Trials
His Integrity
His Reputation
His Priorities
His Relationships
His Fatherhood
His Past
His Attitude
His Marriage – Pray for God’s protection that no person or situation will ever be allowed to harm your marriage, and pray that a spirit of divorce will never enter into your marriage.
I have seen numerous television shows, movies, and commercials where on the shoulder of a character sits an angel and a devil image of themselves. The devil image whispers bad advice, sways the logic to get the character in trouble, or tells the person he or she is not cut out to accomplish the thing they most want to do. The angel character gives wise advice, encourages the character to go out and do what is right, and spurs them on to accomplish great things.
Everyone needs a voice that is a constant encourager to them; a personal private cheerleader. There are teams that have never won a game, but if they have someone who is willing to praise them just for suiting up and playing the game, it breathes life to them.
Cheerleaders don’t cheer at games because they are guaranteed a win. A cheerleader cheers because her team is in the game.
Your husband needs a wife who will cheer him on just because he is in the game. As his cheerleader, you are on the field with him, boosting him when he thinks he cannot go on.
When I was a cheerleader, we just didn’t have the best of teams. Money was low in our school district and we didn’t have the support or foundation that made us an A-1 team. But week after week, our players suited up and played the game.
There were times when they played so hard and would lose by a few points. There were other times when you could tell they were beaten before they hit the field. But there were the occasional victories, some even that were said to be impossible.
As cheerleaders, before we went out on the field, we never knew which games would be the victorious ones so we cheered with all our might—every game. If we were down by many points, we felt it was up to us to incite our boys to fight and win.
Our husbands need us to be their private cheerleaders who will cheer them on, with all our might—each and every day they enter the game. Their jobs will reward them for the success they bring to the company. Others will value them based on what they have to offer them.
He needs a cheerleader to inspire him through his successes and failures, worth or misfortunes. He needs to be able to hear your cheering voice over his shoulder whispering in his ear, “go, fight, win.”
A couple weeks ago, in my work here at FamilyLife, I was feeling lazy and listless, uncreative and unmotivated. Looking for some inspiration, I began reading through a pile of comments from couples who attended a recent Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway in Indianapolis.
It took me all of two minutes to shake away my doldrums. To remember how God is working.
One of the first comments I read began with these words: “My 2015 Valentine’s gift was my wife letting me know she was leaving me.” That got my attention.
“After six children and 11 grandchildren, she was emotionally dead as I had neglected her and not been there for her for 20 years,” he wrote.
Sitting in his office in “total shock and disbelief,” his phone rang. His pastor was in Haiti on a mission trip, but felt that the Holy Spirit prompted him to call. “After relating what was going on in my life, he urged me to confess my sin to both my God and my wife, and then told me that he, the team, and Haitian church would be praying around the clock for our marriage.
“I’ll never know why God chose to give me a second chance, but over the next 72 hours there was a complete and miraculous healing in our lives. God melted both of our hearts and provided complete restoration to the point it was evident to those in our church (who knew nothing that had happened), and more importantly our children, that something in our lives was different.”
Now this couple had attended a Weekend to Remember, and he felt it was “the best investment we could have ever made in our marriage. The weekend truly has given us the tools which, if used, will help our marriage thrive and become all God wants it to be.”
For the next 30 minutes I read story after story about people whose lives were changed because they encountered God at this event in Indianapolis. Some samples:
We’ve had ups and downs, lately more downs. This weekend was just what we needed to reconnect and rediscover each other. It’s the honeymoon we hadn’t had yet. We feel that the material will make a great transformation in our home, to better it, and bring glory to its rightful Owner, the Creator, our Lord God almighty.
***
Approximately 15 years ago, our marriage was broken by my husband’s admission that he had been living a double life for 35 years. He had committed adultery with various women during that time period. Our pastor and assistant pastor were instrumental in counseling. We joined a FamilyLife couples group. We attended our first Weekend to Remember 13 years ago. Very effective in strengthening and saving our marriage.
***
We’ve been married for five years. I am still in love with my husband, but sometimes love isn’t enough. We have been slammed with challenges throughout our married life. Sometimes you feel like giving up. This conference reminded me what marriage is about: It’s work! But with God involved, it will work out. Keep doing what you all are doing! It’s giving us the tools to do it God’s way.
***
I felt very reluctant about coming to this conference. It was a desperate, last-ditch effort to salvage our marriage. We are both terrible communicators and have always struggled with conflict resolution. I have renewed hope for our marriage.
I don’t want to give up. I want to make it work. I choose us. I want to love God and my husband the way God intended. I want my kids to see a godly marriage modeled. I thank God for this conference and that we came to it. It scares me to think what might have happened to our marriage if we hadn’t come to this conference.
If you look at our culture, it’s easy to become discouraged as we see people not just turning away from God, but actively mocking those who are committed to following Christ. But letters like these remind me of Matthew 9, where Jesus saw the crowds and had compassion for them, “because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. ‘The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.'”
Today the world is still full of people without hope. They may not always show it or admit it, but you see it in their relationships. They don’t know how to form the marriages and families they desire.
I think God is using these issues to help people understand their desperate need for Him. The harvest is still as plentiful today as it was in the time of Christ.
“I sat down to type a scathing rant about gay marriage,” wrote blogger Matt Walsh. “I sat down to tell the world that gay marriage is the greatest threat to the sanctity of marriage. But then I remembered … a sign I saw on the side of the road a little while back. Divorce for sale! Only $129! And then I remembered an article I read last week about the new phenomenon of “divorce parties.” Divorced is the new single, the divorce party planner tells us …
“And then I remembered that … there is one divorce every 13 seconds, or over 46,000 divorces a week in this country. And then I remembered that … there are half as many divorces as there are marriages in a single year. … And then I remembered how many Christian churches gave up on marriage long ago, allowing their flock to divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry and divorce and remarry …”
As Walsh discovered, the most important question is not, “What are we going to do about same-sex marriage?” It’s, “What are we going to do about marriage?”
Christians, if we are aware, will find redemptive opportunities all around us. We can propose the good gifts of marriage and sexual wholeness to a culture whose sexual ethic is bringing slavery instead of freedom. As we do so, we can point people to Jesus Christ, the ultimate source of all freedom.
Christians, have hope. We still have much to offer the world.
1. We can teach and model what marriage is and how it fits in God’s plan. A recent Pew Research study found that an increasing number of Americans considers marriage to be obsolete. It’s one thing to think marriage is good or bad, but it’s quite another to think it just doesn’t matter. Beyond getting marriage wrong, the evidence shows that as a culture we just don’t get marriage.
For all the seminars and sermons offered by churches across America teaching how to have a “happy” marriage, a “fulfilled” marriage, or a “meaningful” marriage, there are precious few that disciple believers about God’s intent and design for marriage. Those who do not understand and cannot articulate the meaning of marriage will either be unwilling or unable to stand against that which compromises it. The deafening silence from so many Christians about same-sex marriage indicates they don’t understand what is at stake.
But arguments only go so far. Seeing marriage modeled is every bit as important as hearing it explained. Good marriages breed good marriages. The church should be a place where those that want marriage mentors can find them, and where those that don’t want them will get them anyway.
2. We can take a strong stand against divorce, as God does. Because divorce is so common, condemning it risks sounding incredibly harsh to those who have personally experienced it. We do not intend to single out those who have been divorced, or pretend marriage is easy, or imply divorce is never justified. But we cannot ignore the clear teaching of Scripture. According to Malachi 2:13-16, divorce caused God to reject the offerings of the Israelites. It is, God says, an act of violence (verse 16). According to some translations of this verse, God also says definitively, “I hate divorce.” Of course He does. He hates anything that so damages children, adults, communities, or a nation.
The church used to be the “go-to” place for relationships and marriage, but when a marriage is in jeopardy today, where do couples turn? Do they look to the church for help or to professional counselors and divorce attorneys? If churches owned a proven track record for helping distressed marriages, the answer would be clear. The number of intact families in a community should become a factor by which churches measure ministry success.
On a personal level, we must have the courage to say “no” to divorce, both to ourselves and, when appropriate, to others. Of course, there are situations when divorce is the only option, but it’s always a tragedy. And with so many in our communities impacted by divorce, we must honor our responsibility to care for its victims.
3. We can honor the created connection between sex, marriage, and procreation. Somewhere in the middle of the last century, procreation was disconnected from marriage, in principle and practice. Many Christian couples today see no problem in marrying while planning to never have children, either by procreation or via adoption.
While health, family, or financial considerations may justify the choice to limit the number of children, the most common reason is the culturally sacred idol of personal choice. Severing the tie between marriage and children compromises the role marriage plays in securing the future of a culture and furthers the destructive notion that marriage is just about furthering personal happiness. Plus, it obscures that one function of marriage that clearly demonstrates why marriage requires a man and a woman.
Do we teach the created connection between sex, marriage, and procreation to our congregations, especially to those young couples headed for marriage? Do we help them think through the ethical implications of various methods of birth control? Do we undermine the connection between marriage and babies in some way?
When we promote chastity to teenagers, for example, by promising that “the best sex happens in marriage,” while never teaching the inherent relationship sex has to marriage and children, we risk reinforcing bad thinking about the purpose of sex, and therefore marriage. This amounts to Christianizing the notion that sex is only for pleasure, and marriage only for happiness. We must teach the full picture of what sex is for.
4. We can flee sexual immorality and seek healing for our own sexual brokenness. Sin disfigures our hearts and minds. It twists us away from the people we are supposed to be. Disordered sex is particularly insidious in this way. It takes over our affections and destroys both others and us.
At the same time, we ought never imply that sexual sin is, in any form, unforgiveable. In an age of such widespread sexual sin and brokenness, we must proclaim the full hope of the gospel. Neither heterosexual nor homosexual sin places us outside the redemptive reach of Christ.
Unfortunately, in some Christian communities, confession of sexual struggle brings shame and shunning. We’ve both seen close friends treated as unclean, even after sincere repentance. More horrific is when victims of sexual abuse or assault are treated this way! What does this communicate to them and to non-believers about the grace of God? We must tell the truth about sexuality, but we are called to be healers and reconcilers (2 Corinthians 5:17-21), as much as we are called to be truth-tellers.
5. We can recognize our own responsibility to the institution of marriage. Parents, are we modeling a biblical marriage to our children, and to their friends who may not have that model in their life? Are we actively seeking to strengthen our marriages? Have we taught our kids what marriage is and why it is so important to God, as well as to a flourishing culture?
Pastor, does your congregation know that you love and cherish your wife and kids, even more than you seek the success of the next program? Have you taught the biblical view of marriage from the pulpit? Do you equip your congregation to defend natural marriage through classes, books, or other resources? Is your church active in the lives of married couples, offering mentoring classes as well as divorce intervention and recovery help? Is your church a safe place where people can confess sexual sin, and find healing and restoration? Are you and your congregation anticipating and planning for the legal and moral challenges that are created because of same-sex marriage?
Youth workers, do you teach your students a biblical worldview of marriage? Do you model sexual purity and a healthy marriage to your students? Do you bring older couples into your youth ministry for mentoring and modeling? Are you actively helping your students handle sexual temptation, especially pornography?
Students and singles, is there someone in your life that you look to as a model of a healthy marriage? Have you taken time to build up your understanding of marriage so that you can articulate it to others? Are you staying accountable to parents and peers about what you are looking at on the internet?
We all have a role to play, and there’s plenty we can do. If we feel defeated or demoralized by the speed and breadth in which same-sex marriage has been embraced in our society, we must start now to rebuild a culture in which the differences between it and marriage as it was created to be is obvious.
A pastor and his wife once hosted our family while we were traveling in England. They had two kids and stood there in church in a tight bundle that just screamed “close-knit nuclear family.” The mom was the most content woman I had ever seen.
When the pastor opened the door of their home, I quickly gave my kids the forbidding owl eyes and pursed lips that say, “Not a word!” Magazines and newspapers, puzzle boxes, and board games were stacked on every level surface and laced the walls all the way around the living room.
Even the stairs had items stacked on both sides of every step, leaving just enough free space to step in the center. Dog hair everywhere confirmed that vacuuming had been out of the question for quite some time.
The dining room table held a gigantic sugar bowl, a gallon of long-life milk, a supply of clean bowls, and maybe five boxes of assorted cereal. Dirty dishes rose in a tall row beside the kitchen door. When invited into the kitchen to be shown where we could prepare our own breakfast the next morning, I understood: there simply was no space for the dirty dishes inside.
Back in the living room, our hostess had one child in her lap and one curled up next to her, giggling. She got up only once to show us our bedrooms. It was clear they weren’t freshly made, but she gave the warmest invitation to sleep anywhere.
At the time, my daughter occasionally still needed a night diaper, and being an (un)Natural Mom, I forgot to take maximum precautions. I will admit here in writing that when she woke up to a wet bed, and I to morning sickness, I gave the damp bed one dismissive look, hugged my daughter warmly, and said, “Sweetie, it’s quite all right. Nobody will notice.”
I bagged the wet pajamas to be washed in the next town and added the damp sheets to the overflowing laundry basket. I’m convinced the loving mom of this house would have done the same thing.
Appearances can be deceiving
One could easily judge this mom. But a closer look at the stacks of apparent laziness would reveal worn-out children’s books she clearly read as many times as the kids wanted to hear them, educational toys with sticky fingerprints that told of free exploration and ample playtime, and board games with the rules scribbled on the outside, revealing that she actually cared more than one would think.
Every child’s favorite bowl was in the clean stack on the dining room table. Looking where one really should be looking—in those children’s faces—the primary evidence of their mother’s love was clear as day: They looked like purring kittens.
Remembering this home always helps me feel a little better about not being a housewife of note. I rarely cook. The counters are almost bare. My friends, upon seeing the huge stove and oven after we moved into our home, almost without exception exclaimed, “Aaaagh, what a waste!”
Finding contentment in who you are
There comes a time to face it, if you are one of us (un)Natural Mothers. Look at yourself in the mirror and think of something you can do really well, such as, I can identify seven types of garden birds. Say it out loud, followed by the bold admission “I’m not a great homemaker.” Repeat until the urge to go for choux pastry, pasta making, wedding-cake baking, cross-stitching, tailoring, and macramé classes dissipates.
I am not suggesting you intentionally try to be the opposite of the Proverbs 31 woman; rather, I advocate contentment with who you are. Then, if you choose to learn a skill that will serve your family, it will come from a place where what you offer gives life and love.
I descend from a long line of semi-natural homemakers who have each found a few worthy dishes, clothing patterns, and crafts that serve their families well. It doesn’t hurt to find at least one hot meal, one dessert, and one baked goodie you can actually produce fairly consistently, just to grant your children that essential wistfulness when they’re in college (or married to an even more clueless cook) and say, “How I miss my mom’s homemade food!”
No need to overachieve. Sincere love and an emotional haven are worth so much more than a perfect house and a gourmet meal, though at times I still wish I had it in me to provide all four.
As for those who enjoy cooking from scratch and take pleasure in seeing a piece of fabric become an outfit or decoration, their children are fortunate to have them as moms.
The frail woman tiptoed down the watery staircase into the baptismal toward the pastor, aided by a young deacon to keep her from slipping. Ms. Sue had struggled spiritually for years, doubting the legitimacy of her salvation. She knew in her heart that what she thought was a faith in Jesus was really just faith in her religious service. Now at 87 years old, she decided it was time to truly give her life to Christ.
The pastor and the deacon handled the tall, slim woman like a porcelain doll, carefully sliding into place to lay her gently in the water—pastor in front and deacon behind. The pastor began, “I baptize you, my sister, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Buried with Christ in baptism …”
Before he could finish the words, Ms. Sue flung herself backwards with abandon. The deacon was hardly ready for her enthusiasm, his reflexes springing to catch her as the waters covered her face. From the balcony, I saw her smile emerge from the splashes, the glow of pure freedom upon her lovely wrinkled face. She was at peace, finally buried with Christ in baptism and raised to walk in newness of life.
Death and resurrection is for all Christians
That was the day Ms. Sue died. She finally said goodbye to her old self—the religious devotee, the white-washed tomb full of dead man’s bones. And it was also the day she was born—an 87-year-old baby girl. It was her death and resurrection day, and she would never be the same.
That’s what Easter celebrates. Yes, we remember the death and resurrection of Christ and what he did for us 2,000 years ago. But it’s more than that. Easter is also the observance of our own death—the death of the inner man and the resurrection of our souls in Christ.
Easter reminds us that Jesus was only the first of the resurrected people. All Christians have risen from the dead. As Romans 6:4 says, “We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.”
Our new birth frees us from the bondage of sin. We are no longer chained to the dungeon of hopelessness, but free to climb out of the darkness and into the light.
Our new birth fills our hearts with purpose. The seeds of good works bring forth fruit. The spirit flourishes, and everyone around us benefits from the blessings of generosity, kindness, and love for our fellow man.
Our new birth provides life everlasting. The corrupted flesh is destined for death, but like a cocoon, the old flesh leaves behind a butterfly—the glistening, pure white spirit which will never see death. As Jesus said in John 11:25-26, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”
Easter should renew our hope and inspire us to live in light of eternity. The sorrows, pain, and horrors all come with the flesh, but we have a new life coming. We, the spiritually resurrected, have the answer for the world in its suffering. We know the one with the key to death and hades (Revelation 1:18). So let us proclaim the wonderful story of our own death and resurrection.
What is your story?
Your own personal Easter story is your most valuable spiritual tool. Revelation 12:11 says that Satan is defeated by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. The death and resurrection of Jesus was a miracle, but our own Easter experience is a powerful demonstration of what a life given over to Christ can offer.
Your story is an eye witness to the miracle of what God has done in you, and the world cannot deny that. The evidence is there to see—a new heart with new desires, just as the Apostle Paul explains, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me” (Galatians 2:20).
This Easter, take some time to consider your own resurrection story. How did God transform your life from prisoner of sin to heir of His throne? How has your heart been filled with hope and purpose? How has your marriage improved, your parenting changed, your hobbies changed? As Peter implores us, ” … Always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you …” (1 Peter 3:15).
And when you know your story, tell it. Tell it to everyone that will listen. Tell it to your kids. Tell the people at work and even the people at church, where people like Ms. Sue think they have their life all figured out. Write it on your blog or social media site. Give God the praise and honor for it. And celebrate all that God has done for you, especially on Easter.
But maybe you don’t have a story. You’ve been in church your whole life, and this makes no sense to you. Perhaps you’ve been baptized and lead the Bible study committee, but you don’t have a story. You’ve never experienced death and new life.
If that’s you, then it’s time to take up your cross and be buried with Christ. Give your life away so you can find it (Matthew 10:39). Ask God to change you on the inside. You’re never too old, never too experienced. Just ask Ms. Sue. If she can do it, so can you.
I once had the privilege of caring for a small, aging German lump of sugar named Mae Gabriel. Mae was in her late eighties. She still knew much of her German Bible and spent the day humming the hymns of her youth, though she could barely hear.
Mae lived alone in a two-room house on the farm of her son-in-law. Her prized possessions were a velvet leaf plant that had practically taken over her kitchen, dusty photos of her family on a bedroom bureau, and a skunk that wandered out of the woods at dusk to eat scraps she put out on a cracked dinner plate. In many ways you could consider Mae pitiable—even pathetic. But Mae Gabriel was a saint. She taught me as much about prayer as anyone I have ever known.
During one of my visits, Mae told me of the death of her husband. Frank had died 20 years earlier, but when she spoke of him, her eyes still brimmed with tears. She told me about the day the doctors said Frank had only a short time left. On that day Mae said she prayed over and over that God would heal Frank. “I didn’t want to be alone,” she said with a smile.
Then she told me how she prayed.
“First, I prayed that God’s will would be done,” she said with a determined nod of her head.
“Then I prayed again and again that the Lord would heal my husband. But I also prayed that if He needed to take Frank, my God would give me the strength to bear it.” Then in the midst of Mae’s tears, a beautiful smile lit up her whole face as though her heart were shining through. She simply said, “And He did. God gave me the strength to bear it.”
Seeking God’s will first
Mae prayed backwards. She prayed first for the priorities of her God—that His will would be done. Then she prayed her desires. She boldly and persistently petitioned for her husband. Again and again this little woman knocked against the door of heaven without hesitation or shame. She listed her specific wants, but she also voiced the deeper desire for God to do His will. She did not doubt or fear the hand of the heavenly Father, who had given His own Son to be her eternal Savior.
Yet that’s not always the way we pray. Often we focus on asking God to ease our worries and satisfy our wants before adding “in Jesus’ name” as an obligatory spiritual seasoning to make our petitions palatable to God. Some of us may even have been taught to use the name of Jesus to “claim the desires of our heart.” Such teaching encourages us to end prayer “in the name of Jesus” to get whatever we want. But Jesus is not like a genie in a bottle whom we can command by invoking His name. When we pray, we should be doing more than looking heavenward, believing with all our might that our wish will come true, and instead of repeating, “Star light, star bright, bring the wish I wish tonight,” saying, “In Jesus’ name, amen.”
Two problems immediately arise when we treat prayer like a surefire wishing star. First, we limit God by the wisdom of our wishes. If God were really obligated to do what we think should happen, then God would be tethered to the leash of our understanding. Our wishes would fence God’s omniscience within the limits of our brain and restrict His plans to the extent of our insight. But if our wisdom defines the limits of God’s, then our world will inevitably unravel. The job we may want for extra income may take us from the family that God knows needs us more. The immediate cure for our sickness may deny doctors an insight that would save millions or may deprive us of the patience that God will use to bring Jesus into the hearts of our children. We must trust God more than our wishes or concede that our world will be controlled by billions of competing wishes that we have neither the power nor the wisdom to control.
The second problem with making prayer a wishing well is forcing the conclusion that prayers, like wishing wells, are fantasies. Though it may seem very holy to say, “I believe that God will be true to His promises and provide what I want,” such expressions ultimately deny everyone’s faith. Everyone suffers. We live in a fallen world. Biblical prayer does not solve all our earthly problems, and God never promised that it would. Jesus did not even promise His disciples a perpetual bed of roses. Instead, He said, “In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33).
Prayer does not relieve all suffering, but it assures us that no difficulty comes without a purpose. When we pray “in Jesus’ name,” we have God’s assurance that He will answer our prayer in a way that brings glory to Jesus and furthers His kingdom. When the Lord said of the apostle Paul, “He must suffer for my name,” the Savior was not intending to ignore the apostle’s prayers but was promising to use them beyond Paul’s imagining (Acts 9:16). The difficulties Paul would have been crazy to want, God used to glorify the name of Jesus throughout the world—precisely Paul’s deepest prayer whenever he petitioned “in Jesus’ name.”
The godliest and most prayerful people know from experience the meaning of disappointment, grief, failure, rejection, betrayal, incapacity, and illness. In this fallen world you cannot avoid suffering; you can have peace in the midst of it. You cannot avoid trials; you can have confidence of their purpose. You cannot bind God by your prayers; you can guarantee His blessing. You cannot direct the will of God; you can pray according to His will and rest in the assurance of His love. You can pray knowing that God will marshal the powers of heaven to accomplish on earth all He knows is best for your eternity. Praying in Jesus’ name is the key.
Beginning with the end
Through Jesus we pray without the limitations of our wisdom or faith. We seek the favor of the heavenly Father represented by the Son He loves. We approach the throne of grace without the burden of our sin and with the righteousness of our Savior. We ask for His blessing based on God’s wisdom, not ours. We trust in His faithfulness, not in the adequacy of our faith. We petition God with the confidence that earth and eternity will bend to His will on our behalf. All of these assurances are ours as we pray in Jesus’ name.
So why wait to the end of a prayer to tag on Jesus’ name? Helpful traditions encourage us to add Jesus’ name before our “amen” so that we do not forget Him. But when our routines have desensitized us to His priorities, then it’s time to begin where we end. Praying backwards will inevitably turn our prayer priorities upside down. By saying “in Jesus’ name” first, we will more readily discern when our prayers go astray from His purposes, hijacked by our self-interest. Of course, actually saying the words “in Jesus’ name” at the beginning of our prayers is not really the point. The point is to put first in our hearts what those words are supposed to mean: “I offer this prayer for Jesus’ sake.” When Jesus’ priorities come first, our prayers will change. They will be less self-oriented, more Christ-directed, more blessed, and ultimately most satisfying to our hearts.
God will honor prayer truly offered in Jesus’ name. Such prayer differs from wishes made when we blow out birthday candles. We light those candles to celebrate our years and to fantasize about times made better by wishes fulfilled. By praying in Jesus’ name, we petition God to make our life shine for Christ’s glory and eternity’s purposes. Praying backwards simply ensures that He comes first in our thoughts so that we are prompted to make Him first in our priorities. Such Christ-centered prayer is no great sacrifice; for when He is first in our priorities, our needs are first in His heart. The love that flames for us in heaven burns strong and consumes every hindrance to His fulfillment of our eternal blessing. When we pray all for Jesus, He makes our life a candle that lights this present darkness and burns for His glory forever.
The following tips come from a FamilyLife resource, Simply Romantic Tips to Romance Your Husband. One free tip before you start—print out this page and keep it somewhere handy for fresh and creative ways of fanning the flames of romance in your marriage.
1. Write him a check for 100 kisses. Be available to cash the check for him when and where he likes.
2. The next time you’re out to dinner, casually take out a pen and write a note to him on a paper napkin—letting him know what he can look forward to at home. Fold it and slide it across the table.
3. As he heads out for work, give him a passionate kiss. If he wants to know what it was for, tell him it’s the appetizer for tonight’s menu.
4. Pamper his tootsies with a relaxing foot massage. All you need is a warm basin of water, some soap, a towel, and some lotion.
5. Get up a few minutes earlier than usual, brush your teeth, then get back in bed and wake him up with a kiss.
6. Refrain from saying “I told you so.” That might be the best gift of all.
7. Handwrite his favorite Bible verse on parchment. After laminating it, surprise him by tucking it into his Bible.
8. Have your guy write down on slips of paper his five favorite things to do. Fold them and place them in a bowl. Let him draw one out and read it—then do it together.
9. Blindfold your husband and “kidnap” him. Take him to a hotel room where you have prepared a romantic tryst.
10. Men view romance differently than women. Ask your husband to describe what’s romantic to him. Don’t be surprised when his ideas sound very different from yours.
Meet Don. He is a basketball “nut.” He’s the kind of sports buff who can talk nonstop about his favorite basketball teams with anybody who’ll listen. One evening, Don’s wife took a seat next to him on the couch. She placed her arms around his neck and asked him point-blank: “Do you love me more than basketball?”
Puzzled, Don considered her question for a long minute before answering. He finally said, “College or NBA?”
While most of us men would never make a blunder of that magnitude, we often miss the opportunity to affirm our wives. Marriage is not a spectator sport. Nor is it a place for verbal jabs or cynical put-downs. Those male digs might work in the locker room with the boys, but they’re out of bounds with our wives.
What do Don’s wife, your wife, and my wife need? Affirmation. Lots of it. Soft, tender, thoughtful, unexpected, meaningful, heartfelt affirmation delivered with no sexual demands attached.
That’s difficult for a man, I know. A man usually sets goals and generally acts only when he is after something. When it comes to romance, he’s tempted to give affirmation only because he hopes to “get sex” in return.
You and I will score big when we make our goal unconditional affirmation—no strings attached. My aim is to make my wife feel loved, valued, cherished, and affirmed as the love of my life.
We all would do well to watch Solomon in action. Solomon, by contrast, referred to his wife as “my beloved” forty times in the Song of Solomon. That choice phrase is packed with affirmation. It’s a romantic expression, a call to rich friendship. Each time Solomon said, “My beloved,” his words clothed her with dignity and value.
What woman wouldn’t flourish under such a constant stream of loving affirmation?
Here are 30 nonsexual ways to cherish your bride through words and acts of affirmation. And by the way, these are nonsexual so that you speak her romantic love language. It’s important to remember that you are not doing these things to get something in return. Perhaps she will reciprocate in your language back to you, but that’s not your goal. Are you ready?
1. Hug and kiss her every morning before leaving the house. Research indicates that marriages that practice this simple discipline are much healthier than those that don’t. If she’s sleeping, leave her a note, or gently kiss her forehead and whisper, “Have a wonderful day, sweetheart.”
2. Reach across the front seat of the car when you drive and hold her hand, even for a few moments. Allow your fingers to become entwined.
3. Write, “I’m crazy about you, Honey. You’re the best!” or another personal message on a yellow sticky note. Attach it to her bathroom mirror.
4. Call her from work and say, “I’ve been thinking of how good I have it with you in my life. Thanks for all that you are as a woman and all that you do for me and our family.”
5. The next time you get a pair of tickets to a ball game, theater, or concert that she’d like to go to, make a sacrifice. Instead of going with a buddy, tuck them in her purse with a note saying, “You deserve a night off. Have fun with a girlfriend.”
6. Go an entire day without criticizing anything about her. Instead, try to notice her doing something that you really appreciate, and tell her how much you value her.
7. Go to bed at the same time with her for a week; just talk or read a book and share the quietness together. Or play a card game that you used to play when you dated or were just married.
8. Brush her hair and compliment her hair and eyes.
9. While she studies her face in the mirror, come up behind her and gently kiss the back of her neck. Say, “God broke the mold after He made you. You are so beautiful.”
10. Call her or send her an e-mail midafternoon and ask her how her day is going.
11. Try your hand at making breakfast on Saturday morning. Tell her she deserves a break and should feel free to sleep in.
12. Take her car to the gas station, fill the tank, vacuum the floor mats, and clean the windows. When you park it at the house, leave a note on the dash with just a heart and the words, “Thinking of you.”
13. Write her a short love letter in which you list several ways that she has blessed you this year.
14. Resurrect common courtesies. Start opening the car door for her as you did when you dated, pull out her chair for her at the dinner table, offer your arm while walking down stairs, and help her put her coat on.
15. If she’s doing the laundry, pull yourself away from whatever you’re doing and offer to bring the hamper.
16. Put the toilet seat down when you’re finished, and wash your hands. I’d estimate that 40 percent of men don’t. Our wives do know. Stroking her face after you’ve been to the bathroom suddenly loses its romantic appeal!
17. Put down the newspaper or turn off the computer, and say, “Why don’t we go for a walk and talk? I’d love to hear about your day.”
18. If you overhear her engaged in a difficult situation on the phone or with a child, compliment the way she handled the conversation.
19. Initiate daily prayer with her. This one spiritual discipline has transformed millions of marriages. Make a commitment, and then begin to pray together every day. Begin by giving thanks for her and your family, then pray with her about her worries and challenges. Ask her to pray for you about a challenge you are facing.
20. Say, “Thank you,” after every meal she serves. Then help her clear the table or offer to do the dishes with her.
21. If she has wrestled with a specific spiritual issue (such as gossip, envy, a lack of compassion), tell her how much you appreciate her desire to handle it in a godly manner.
22. Express appreciation for her doing the laundry and folding your clothing.
23. Each day try to say, “I love the way you _______ ,” and fill in the blank with something you’ve observed.
24. When your wife irons your shirts or picks up the dry cleaning, say, “Thanks, Honey, for taking such good care of me.”
25. When the alarm goes off in the morning, wrap your arm around her, press your body next to hers, and cuddle for several minutes. When you leave, say, “I wish I didn’t have to go.”
26. The next time you go to dinner, say, “You’ve had a tough day, Sweetie. Why don’t you pick the spot tonight?”
27. When you are together in a crowd, find a way to brag on her. Say, “My wife is such an amazing cook,” or “I’ve got the best wife—her _______ never ceases to amaze me.”
28. The morning after making love, touch her tenderly, and tell her how wonderful it was to be with her.
29. With your wife in the room, tell your kids, “You’ve got the best mommy in the world. Isn’t she great? I just love her so much.”
30. Help her put the kids to bed each night.
For some men, the thought of affirming their wives sounds like a lot of work. Others are anxious about being so vulnerable with displays of affirmation. Whatever the reason, they hesitate to step out and pursue the call to love found in Ephesians 5:25 (NKJV): “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”
If you’ve hesitated to affirm your bride, or if you’ve been slow to praise her qualities, trust me on this: just do it. Affirming your wife through even just three or four of these ideas will do wonders for your romance. Is that too difficult to believe?
Ahhh … February. The month of hearts and roses and love.
Would you like to begin some new family traditions this Valentine’s Day? Then the following ideas have been written just for you.
1. Ask the kids to tell you how they think Valentine’s Day began. Write down what they say. Then do some research with the children, online or at the library, and see if their ideas are correct.
2. Designate the month of February as a time to show special love in your home. Read the following paraphrase together of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (The Message).
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Then discuss each of the above characteristics of love at the dinner table on separate nights. For example, “Love never gives up.” How have friends and family stood by one another in good and bad times? What did God do after Adam and Eve sinned that showed that He did not give up on mankind?
3. Plan a unique scavenger hunt with the kids for Dad (or Mom). Help the children make and hide clues, taping a small chocolate kiss on each one. Have meaningful gifts at the end of the hunt. Possibilities include handwritten notes of love and appreciation, personal certificates of service (I will wash your car, clean out the garage, cook dinner, etc.), drawings, homemade treats, framed family pictures, etc. To make the scavenger hunt extra special, end your time with a family trip to the pizza parlor or bowling alley.
4. As a family, think of those who may be especially lonely on Valentine’s Day, then brainstorm ways that you could show Christ’s love to them. The kids may want to make unique Valentine cards, bake heart-shaped cookies, or invite them to a special lunch or dinner.
5. Cultivate a sense of appreciation in your children by helping them express appreciation to their grandparents. Have each of the kids write Grandma and Grandpa individual Valentine’s Day notes. On February 14, personally deliver the notes along with an arrangement of flowers or a balloon bouquet. If grandparents live out-of-town, mail each note in a separate envelope and also call Grandma and Grandpa.
6. Make February 14 a “red letter day” for your family. Decorate the kitchen or dining room with hearts, red and white streamers, and heart-shaped balloons. Wear a red outfit or apron and serve the family heart-shaped pancakes; add some red food coloring to the syrup. Make heart-shaped sandwiches for lunch, and choose dinner entrees that are red.
7. Mail each of your children a Valentine’s card from you and your spouse. Share not only why you love your child unconditionally, but also your gratitude to God that your son/daughter is your child.
8. Tell your children how you celebrated Valentine’s Day as a child. Then have the kids call/visit their grandparents to see how they celebrated it. Talk about ways that Valentine traditions have not only changed, but also remained the same.
9. Help the kids make an “I love you because” book for someone special (parent, grandparent, pastor, teacher, etc.). In addition to writing and drawing heartfelt messages, include some favorite photographs and artwork. For a lasting keepsake, have the book bound at a local print shop.
10. With your spouse, decide on personalized ways that you can show love to each of your children on Valentine’s Day. Spend time praying about how to best do this. While love for one child may be expressed by time, another may feel loved by words of affirmation or gifts. You may want to read The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.
Sarah was new to church. She listened wide-eyed each Sunday, soaking up wisdom, wondering why no one had ever told her these truths before. It might have saved her from her life of abuse, from her unplanned pregnancies, and from the many men she had been involved with. No one told her that life could have purpose, healing, and best of all—unconditional love.
Sarah was so grateful for the radical transformation in her life that she volunteered in all the church ministries she could handle. She was so in love with Jesus. You could see the light in her eyes and the passion to serve Him. But she mainly stayed in background roles—kitchen service or set up and tear down.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with kitchen work. The church could hardly exist without those who give their time working in the background. But Sarah had such a marvelous testimony that she should have been out among the hurting, telling them what God had done for her.
After hearing part of her testimony and her marvel at the grace of God, I told her I thought God was going to have a great ministry through her story. I could imagine her speaking and counseling women who have experienced similar circumstances.
“Me?” she said with disbelief. “I can’t do that. I’ve done so many bad things. I’m not like those other women. How could I help anyone?”
I’ve heard this rationale from Christians many times. It’s one of Satan’s favorite deceptions. He makes us believe that the scars of our past are ugly and deforming. So we try our best to disguise what we regard as shameful and try to look like all the “normal” people. But no one is normal. Each person has his or her own struggle, and many are battling the same demons we are. In God’s plan, the scars we see as lesions to hide are actually undeniable evidence of the depths of our depravity and the sign to a broken world that we’ve been healed—a life resurrected.
Christ’s scars
I’ve often wondered what our resurrected bodies will be like. Will we be young? Thin? Will people recognize us?
There are a lot of unanswered questions that won’t be resolved until we rise from the grave. But we can study what the Scripture says about Jesus’ resurrected body.
Jesus ate and drank. He could appear and disappear. Sometimes He was in disguise and people didn’t recognize Him. But what boggled me was when it dawned on me that Jesus’ resurrected body was healed, but He still had scars.
Why did Jesus have scars? The Spirit could have taken them away. He could have decided to cover over the wounds with new flesh and made Jesus’ body exactly as it was before, even better.
Read this exchange between Jesus and His disciple Thomas in John 20:24-27 when Jesus appeared in His resurrected body:
Now Thomas, one of the twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus [first] came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”
Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe … “
What Jesus did on the cross would still be valid whether He had scars or not. But could it be that the scars were left to testify to the work of Christ?
I don’t know about you, but I want to touch those precious holes where the nails pierced His skin. I want to kiss his feet and weep with tears of gratefulness over the wounds He suffered for me. Could it be that those scars are there for all the Thomases who need to see to believe?
We have scars
Jesus said anyone who follows Him must follow Him in death. We must pick up our own cross and sacrifice our own spiritual lives. We don’t have physical holes in our hands and feet, but sin and rebellion against God leave painful gashes in our hearts and souls. Some people are more mangled than others by a vicious past. But through Christ, the most severe injuries are mended, and with that renewal comes a story—a testimony of what God has done.
Think of the value that eyewitnesses hold in a court room. They have the influence to determine a person’s judicial fate. In the same way, the personal first-hand account of how Christ healed your life is a word of great persuasion.
Never underestimate the power of your testimony. It was the evidence that Thomas believed. Even though Jesus was standing before him, even though the others told him about seeing Jesus, it was the scars that convinced Thomas that the man who stood before him truly was Jesus and not an imposter.
Revelation 12:11 says, “And [the believers] have conquered [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony …” (emphasis added). Satan knows that the stories behind our scars will destroy him. That’s why he deceives and shames us into hiding them.
Jesus displayed his scars with confidence, not disgrace. “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side.” He knew what those scars represented—healing, salvation, peace between God and man, His glory.
“But I’m not fixed yet,” you might say. “My scars are still healing. I struggle every day.” That’s true. You aren’t perfect yet. None of us are. You still have a lot of spiritual growing to do. You might even have more scars yet to receive. That’s part of our task on this earth, so we can reach more people for Christ. Hebrews 12:11 says, “For the moment all discipline [from God] seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
In the meantime, use what God has brought you through to encourage others. Second Corinthians 1:4 reminds us that God “comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” God doesn’t need you to be perfect. He just needs you to be willing to tell your spiritual story to anyone who is willing to listen.
An Easter challenge
As Easter approaches, I would like to challenge you to think about your own scars, think of the ways you can use your testimony to share your own journey from death into life. There are others who are going through similar circumstances. They need your encouragement and words of hope. But that means you must be willing to speak about the circumstances you’ve tried to hide in the past.
Have you been through a difficult marriage and come out stronger on the other side? Then lead a Sunday school class for young married couples. Did you have an abortion in the past and find forgiveness through Christ? Don’t be afraid to give a testimonial during a women’s ministry event. There are more women in the church who have had abortions than you know. Have you been involved in an affair and repented and found forgiveness? Write an article and send it to a Christian magazine or website.
If Jesus can take a cross—a symbol of the cursed and the damned—and turn it into a symbol of eternal life, then He can do the same for you. After you’ve experienced grief, shame, sorrow, or traveled through the valley of the shadow of death, find those who are on the journey behind you and show them how God got you through. Show them your scars.
Corporations have strategy meetings on a regular basis. Department heads, supervisors, and managers get together to discuss current production goals, sales reports, and marketing efforts. The purpose behind such meetings is to generate teamwork and improve efficiency and profit as the whole works toward a common goal.
Family meetings help stepfamilies do the same. The goals are different (integration, spiritual formation, and generating unconditional love and respect), but the process is similar.
Weekly or biweekly family meetings are the perfect time to process emotions and negotiate preferences, rule changes, discipline consequences, and roles in the home. Vacation plans can be made, rituals for the holidays worked out, and feelings of loss and hurt shared. But perhaps the most unexpected result for many stepfamilies that make use of this tool is a sense of identity. The meeting itself becomes a unique tradition that helps family members listen, spend time with each other, and experience their family being together. You can have meetings on a regular basis or periodically as needed.
“We started family meetings by necessity,” one stepfather told me. “We kept running into walls with the kids so we decided to get everyone together and talk about it. In the beginning the meetings were all problem centered. But as time went on we realized that we could be proactive—get ahead of problems—and make things run more smoothly. Now, looking back after a decade of regular family meetings, I can see that it did even more than solve problems. We learned about each other. Listened to each other. And figured out how to be family.”
Time set aside to promote meaningful communication and to provide for family discussion, decision making, problem solving, encouragement, and cooperation.
Family meetings can be structured and formal or flexible and informal.
Everyone has a part and something to contribute. Meetings are democratic; that is, everyone has a voice, but not the same decision-making power. Parents have the final say but should empower children to contribute whenever possible.
Ultimately, family meetings build much needed family traditions, create memories, and establish a working family identity.
How do we get started?
The process is easier if meetings begin when children are young (age 4 or 5). Older children may have negative reactions at first, but most come to value the process once they experience the benefits.
Simply make a decision to start, have a plan of action, and begin.
General guidelines for effective family meetings
Make meetings a priority. They should happen at regular, predictable times (e.g., every Thursday night or the first Sunday of the month). Don’t allow distractions to diminish your commitment to the process. Establish and stick to time limits.
Begin each meeting with compliments and words of appreciation when they can be offered genuinely. Encouragement facilitates integration but shouldn’t be offered if not sincere.
Post an “agenda board” (perhaps on the refrigerator) and encourage everyone to contribute to the list. Be sure each item is discussed and equal consideration given to each concern.
Rotate leaders so that children have a turn (your teenagers will love being in charge!).
Honor one another’s feelings and opinions. Use your listening skills and speak with respect. Don’t permit meetings to become gripe sessions. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Work to find solutions to problem situations. Brainstorm possible solutions and consequences if agreements are not kept. This helps each person take ownership of the problem and its solution. This also clarifies expectations and allows each to experience the stepfamily working together.
End the meeting with an enjoyable activity. You all may be together or break into mini-family groups, but have ice cream, play mini-golf, or play board games. Make it fun.
When was the last time you wanted to gaze on a bloody, mangled body?
Instinctively our stomachs churn, faces contort, emotions mourn at the sight. We turn away; the rawness too much.
But a newborn babe? Ahhhh … we smile, emit sounds of delight, and yearn to snuggle those sweet cheeks. Our hearts long to drink in the softness, the newness, the hope wrapped in newborn flesh.
Do you feel the difference?
It’s more than the difference between the Easter and Christmas stories. It is the conundrum of our Christian faith—that Jesus, once a beautiful, cuddly, newborn babe, was eventually betrayed, brutally beaten, and bloodied beyond recognition as a man, though He did nothing wrong. His innocence on the cross was the same innocence He bore in the manger, yet He was convicted as a criminal.
Rejected and alone, Jesus limped and crawled to His death hill, carrying a splintered wooden cross on His raw, shredded flesh. His body submitted to man’s evil intentions, His arms and legs hammered securely to the instrument of execution. There He hung—naked, tortured—and there He died. Willingly He endured all of this for us because of infinite love.
Even though we understand Easter’s facts, we eagerly anticipate and prefer Christmas. The story of the teenage virgin who bravely birthed a tiny baby king is a much happier one. By contrast we falter at knowing how to celebrate Easter. Though our lives are daily altered by sin and the burden of our human depravity, the necessity of a blood sacrifice isn’t welcome in daily conversation. The sweetness of the Christmas babe being lullabied by His angelic choir is easier to celebrate.
We, the redeemed, have wrongly reversed our affections.
Following the culture’s leading
Christians, like most everyone else, spend a lot of time and money preparing for Christmas with parties, presents, and elaborate decorations around our homes and communities. Twinkling lights, glowing fires, warm mugs full of cheer are enjoyed by bright-eyed hopefuls from 1 to 92.
By contrast, most of us give Easter little thought, time, or preparation. We take a minimalist approach to celebrating the greatest event of history. Jesus never asked us to commemorate His birth; we ignore what He commanded us to do—remember His death (1 Corinthians 11:23-26).
Does that make a difference? Does it make you pause?
We are not following our Savior’s instructions. Without thinking, we have followed the lead of retailers and adopted their softer, gentler symbols into our Easter experience: bunnies, chicks, chocolate candies in colorful plastic eggs, and new pastel clothing.
It’s time to change how we celebrate Easter; and I hope you will agree. Here are four ways to begin to correct our upended thinking.
1. Lengthen the Easter holiday experience. Make Easter a season, like Christmas, by starting your Easter preparation with Ash Wednesday and continuing through the 40 days of Lent. By preparing earlier you will have more time to focus on, and teach your family about, Christ’s sacrifice on the cross.
And don’t stop at Easter. If you can leave Christmas lights up through the New Year, then you can carry on the joy, repeating, “Christ is risen!” daily for the 40 days until Ascension Day!
2. In your home, fully display the importance of this holiest of holidays. The colors of Easter are red and white, not springy hues of pink, yellow, and green. Remember His blood, the color of red wine, which He commanded us to drink in remembrance of Him.
This year consider wearing all white or shades of off-white and soft khaki. Set an all-white table with lots of white candles and three crosses for your Resurrection Day feast to remember the purity of His life and death. Or center your table with a white lamb to celebrate our future as His bride at our marriage to the Lamb when we will be dressed in “fine linen, bright and pure—for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints” (Revelation 19:8).
3. Worship with exuberance what Christ has done for us on Resurrection Sunday. Can you imagine what the women who went to the tomb felt when they saw Jesus alive? What about the disciples, and the multitudes? Like a groom who first sees his bride, I imagine beaming faces, tears of happiness, pure delight, and overflowing joy.
And I picture dancing. Psalm 149:3 invites us to “Praise His name with dancing, making melody to Him with tambourine and lyre!” This is the kind of worship the resurrection calls for. Does your Easter day look like this? It should. St. Augustine wrote, “Learn to dance, so when you get to heaven the angels know what to do with you.” I want to be ready.
4. Celebrate the sacrifice and miracle of Easter with others. When we understand more of the immensity of His sacrifice and as much as is possible, the depth of His love, our gratitude will lead to a celebration—with laughter and music and feasting—far surpassing that of Christmas. Make your Easter party grand, and if weather permits, have your lunch or dinner feast outside with lights and music and revelry. Invite friends and neighbors just as we do at Christmas. The watching world will take notice. Easter, the celebration of the cross and resurrection, should be a time of contagious, overflowing evangelism. As N.T. Wright wrote,
Easter is about the wild delight of God’s creative power … we ought to shout Alleluias instead of murmuring them. We should light every candle instead of only some. Is it any wonder people find it hard to believe in the resurrection of Jesus if we don’t throw our hats in the air? This is our greatest festival. Take Christmas away and in biblical terms you lose two chapters at the front of Matthew and Luke. Take Easter away and you don’t have a New Testament; you don’t have Christianity.
The incarnation and resurrection are inseparably linked. Our celebrations of these miraculous events need to be proportionate and more balanced in our focus and attention. Don’t shy away from Easter; instead elevate it to the status it deserves. Your faith and that of others will benefit.
The miraculous wonders of Easter
Because I am so awed by the cross, Easter truly is my favorite holiday.
While I enjoy the sparkle of Christmas, it’ll never match the amazement I feel that one Man willed to die for me, a sin-stained woman, helpless to change on my own. Were it not for His initiation, “He first loved us” (I John 4:8), I would not know love at all. Christmas is fun, but Easter is wonder-filled and jubilant!
As the temple curtain was ripped in two from top to bottom at the precise moment Jesus breathed His last, the door to a relationship with God flung open. God the Father—my holy God, my Creator—was forever accessible.
I’m thankful for the first whimpers of that hay-born Savior, but I’m even more grateful that He gave His last breath for sinners—for me—as He hung nail-bound on a cross. Without His death, resurrection, and ascension, His miraculous incarnation for us on Christmas morning would mean nothing.
Shouldn’t we grow up and focus on the miraculous wonders of Easter, His Resurrection Day?
This year I invite you to ponder the uncomfortable truths of Jesus’ death and burial. Allow yourself to feel just a hint of His agony, His suffering, His pain. Walk away from the cross with the disciples who were shocked at His death, whose hopes were dashed, whose fears were crippling; their despair and depression deep and debilitating.
Then you will be ready for Sunday’s dawn. Then your joy on Resurrection Day will begin to match theirs. Then the world will know that you have been with Jesus. That your life has been changed forever.
And plan a grand celebration because the heart of Christianity is not what we must do, but what He has done! For us!
If research showed you there were five things you could do to turn a marriage around or to keep a marriage strong, and that they were easy and free, what would you do?
Well, here’s your chance.
Shaunti Feldhahn spent years interviewing couples to find the ones who had the happiest marriages. Her purpose was to ask them their secrets, and pass them along to others. The research in her recent book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, is thorough and her findings are a game-changer.
She took the five most common actions of the happiest couples and compiled them in a list she calls the “Fantastic Five” (for him and for her).
Guys first. When it comes to your wife, here are the five things that make her happy.
Take her by the hand.
Leave her a voice mail message, text message, or email to tell her you love her and are thinking about her.
Put your arm around her, or your hand on her knee when you’re sitting next to her (especially when you’re in public).
Sincerely tell her she’s beautiful.
Pull yourself out of a funk.
That’s it. Believe it or not, when Shaunti asked wives, between 72-82 percent said these five actions deeply pleased them. That’s not just the happy wives, but all wives. Even two-thirds of the wives in struggling marriages strongly agreed these are the things that make her happy.
And now, here are the five things Shaunti found that please husbands the most:
Notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it.
Say, “You did a great job at __________.”
Mention in front of others something he did well.
Show him that you desire him sexually, and he pleases you sexually.
Make it clear to him that he makes you happy.
As you know, wives, men are often pretty simple and aren’t too hard to please. Just do a couple of things. Oh, if you’re thinking that #4 is the most important thing on a guy’s list, think again. It’s #5. Almost 90 percent of men said knowing that they make their wife highly happy is what makes them highly happy.
Shaunti also encourages us to understand that there are unique actions that speak specifically to your spouse. Knowing and being able to speak his or her “love language” is huge step toward understanding this. As described by Gary Chapman in his popular book, The Five Love Languages, some people love receiving gifts as a sign of love. Others like a spouse’s undivided attention. He may like you to do little things for him, or maybe it’s your touch that does it for him. Or maybe what your spouse needs most from you are words of encouragement.
Whatever the case, the initiative you take is almost as important as the action itself. Husbands, what you do says to your wife that you truly care about her. That’s great comfort and security for her. And wives, your words and actions say to your husband that what he’s doing makes a difference in your life.
So why don’t you make your spouse happy and try them out? What do you have to lose besides a stale marriage?
Adultery is often sparked by emotional unfaithfulness. Two people form an emotional connection, and then sparks began to fly. What was first an emotional affair then becomes a physical affair.
Satan is sly. He takes good gifts of God, such as the intimacy and oneness of spirit that can occur through prayer or Bible study, and interjects some quality into them that is not pleasing to God. We have to be on the alert for the initial warning signs of that, especially in Christian circles. There are several precautions you should take.
First, be careful about how much you share with a person of the opposite sex. You should beware of praying with just one member of the opposite sex, because of the intimacy involved in prayer. Never share with someone of the opposite sex a problem that you are having with your spouse. It is totally inappropriate for a man to share with a woman any negative comment about his wife, or for a woman to share with a man any negative comment about her husband.
Second, memorize Scripture. If we are going to be able to resist the temptations that will inevitably come, we must have lives built on the foundation of the Word of God.
Memorize verses like 2 Timothy 2:22, which says, “Now flee from youthful lusts, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” When you are tempted, the Holy Spirit will bring to your mind those verses that you have committed to memory.
Third, cultivate intimacy with your spouse. Make your marriage a priority, and make intimacy such a fun reality in your marriage that you are not even tempted to leave. Learn how to please your spouse, and teach him or her how to please you.
Fourth, maintain openness in your relationship with your spouse. Early in our marriage, Barbara and I were leading a Bible study and one night Barbara told me she was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable with one of the men.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, I just sense that he is a little too friendly,” she said. “You know, I feel foolish for sharing this with you. This is so dumb. There is a voice inside me that says, Don’t share it, don’t let him hear that.”
But I put my arms around Barbara and I said, “I want you to know, Sweetheart, that sharing that with me is the most important thing you could have done.” That is the time when temptation needs to be shared. If you wait until it is full-birthed temptation, it will be too difficult to share. You should discuss it while it still feels “silly.”
A fifth guard against the trap of adultery is to control your thought life. If you entertain a fantasy, you are allowing your own desires to drag you away.
It is not wrong to be attracted, and it is not wrong to be tempted. That is not sin. Sin occurs when we act on the temptation. James 1:14-15 tells us, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.”
The result of entertaining temptation and then acting on it is death; it is not pleasure. It will not result in long-term satisfaction. It will result in destruction.
Editor’s note: We are told in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 to “pray without ceasing.” The problem for many of us is that prayer can become a boring exercise of, in the words of Don Whitney, “praying the same old things about the same old things.” In this article Whitney describes how praying through Scripture can revolutionize your prayer life and lift it from the rut of mindless repetition.
“Empty phrases” are ruinous in any area of spirituality, but especially in prayer. Jesus warned, “But when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words” (Matthew 6:7).
Such “empty phrases” can result from insincerity or repetition. That is, we might pray meaningless, vacuous words because either our hearts or minds are far away.
One of the reasons Jesus prohibited the mindless repetition of prayers is because that’s exactly the way we’re prone to pray. Although I don’t recite intentionally memorized prayers, my own tendency is to pray basically the same old things about the same old things. And it doesn’t take long before such prayers fragment the attention span and freeze the heart of prayer.
The problem is not our praying about the same old things, for Jesus taught us (in Luke 11:5-13 and 18:1-8) to pray with persistence for good things. Our problem is in always praying about them with the same ritualistic, heartless expressions.
In my experience, the almost unfailing solution to this problem is to pray through a passage of Scripture—particularly one of the psalms—instead of making up my prayer as I go. Praying in this way is simply taking the words of Scripture and using them as my own words or as prompters for what I say to God.
For example, if I prayed through Psalm 27, I would begin by reading verse 1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation.” Then I would pray something like,
Thank you, Lord, that you are my light. Thank you for giving me the light to see my need for Jesus and your forgiveness. Please light my way so that I will know which way to go in the big decision that is before me today. And thank you especially that you are my salvation. You saved me; I didn’t save myself. And now I ask you to save my children also, as well those at work with whom I’ve shared the gospel.
When I have nothing else to say, instead of my mind wandering, I have a place to go—the rest of verse 1. “Whom shall I fear?” Then I might pray along these lines: I thank you that I do not have to fear anyone because You are my Father. But I confess that I have been fearful about ______.
I would continue in this way, praying about whatever is prompted verse by verse, until either I complete the psalm or run out of time.
Praying through a passage of Scripture was the uncomplicated method that transformed the daily experience of one of the most famous men of prayer in history. George Müller said,
Formerly when I rose, I began to pray as soon as possible, and generally spent all my time till breakfast in prayer . . . What was the result? . . . Often, after having suffered much from wandering of mind for the first ten minutes, or quarter of an hour, or even half an hour, I only then began really to pray.
I scarcely ever suffer now in this way. For my heart being nourished by the truth, being brought into experimental [that is, experiential] fellowship with God, I speak to my Father . . . about the things that He has brought before me in His precious Word.[1]
Both Jesus (in Matthew 27:46) and His followers in the book of Acts (4:24-26) prayed words from the Psalms (from Psalm 22:1, and Psalm 146:6 and Psalm 2:1-2 respectively). Why not you?
Although you’ll pray about “the same old things,” you’ll do so in brand new ways. You’ll also find yourself praying about things you never thought to pray—things that are on the heart of God.
You’ll concentrate better, and begin to experience prayer as a real conversation with a real Person. For the Bible really is God speaking to you, and now all you have to do is simply respond to what He says.
Listen to Dr. Whitney tell FamilyLife Today® listeners how to pray the words of Scripture as we seek the Lord, and how doing so allows us to pray with fervor.
[1] Roger Steer, comp., Spiritual Secrets of George Müller (Wheaton, IL.: Harold Shaw, 1985), pages 61-62.
I had a plethora of marriage expectations that were formed as far back as early childhood. Many of those expectations were veiled, hidden in the deep places of my heart. For years I justified my notions of life and marriage, unaware of the devastating effects of those expectations if left unmet.
Entering marriage with such high expectations set my husband and me up for ruin. For example, trusting in my husband to be my everything was one of the most detrimental ways I hurt our marriage. I set my husband up for failure when I expected him to fulfill me completely.
When I wanted to feel worthy, I sought my worthiness in my husband. When I wanted to feel loved unconditionally, I sought love from my husband. When I wanted to feel comforted, cherished, validated, or encouraged, I sought those things in my husband and only in my husband. However, because my husband is human and prone to sin, inevitably he let me down and could not fulfill my needs completely. And in those times, I felt unworthy and unloved.
While some expectations are good—for example, I expect my husband to be faithful to me—when they move into unrealistic and unattainable places, they become destructive. My expectations were so lofty they hurt him. Aaron could never be my everything—he was never designed to be! And whenever I tried to make him fit that role, I unintentionally placed him as an idol above God, believing that he had the capacity to do more for me than God Himself.
With the strain Aaron and I were experiencing, we tended to be overly sensitive to conflict. It did not take much for us to offend each other, and I am embarrassed to admit I took advantage of retaliating when I felt I deserved something I was not receiving. When I became aware of any opportunity to point out fault, I didn’t hesitate to blame him. I complained about our living situation, about not having enough, about having only one car, about our finances, about our sexless life, about my husband’s flaws, about work, about anything I deemed worthy of complaint. Those unmet expectations flowed over into discontentment, which too often I nursed in my heart.
Not only did discontentment grow, but pride did as well, which grew into a sense of entitlement: I deserve better than this. And that mentality seeped not only into my marriage, but into my relationship with God. Unmet expectations of God’s role in my life lit a fire of anger within me. I believed being a daughter of the King meant that I would receive the best of everything. When it seemed as if God didn’t intervene, that anger spread like wildfire, consuming everything inside me, including my faith. I had high expectations for God to do the things I wanted, unable to grasp that God was more concerned about my character than my comfort. But in the midst of my pain and self-centered complaining, I exhausted my husband and I believe I saddened God.
After I spent several years repeating this same offense and suffering the consequences, God opened my eyes to the destruction of unmet expectations. God needed to transform me. He could do that only as I humbled myself and let go of my unrealistic and unmet expectations. Each time God humbled me, He used that experience to mold my attitude and character to reflect that of Christ and to shape my expectations to more closely align with His, which in all honesty are better than what I could ever dream of.
The transformation I underwent didn’t happen immediately. Rather, the process was spread out over time as I sought to know God and make myself known to Him—a process that continues to mature me every day.
Joy and contentment defend me from the barrage of unmet expectations. If I don’t have joy, those notions wreak havoc in my heart, turning it against the ones I love. I know because it happened countless times. It took me years of suffering and loathing in self-pity, guilt, and brokenness even to begin to understand the power of pure joy.
Joy springs up where contentment thrives, and contentment is produced through sincere thankfulness. The greatest constant I have found to help sustain me and give me strength and hope, no matter what the circumstance, is to cling to the joy of the Lord. God’s Word tells me, “Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!” (Nehemiah 8:10).
God taught me how to be thankful by sharing specific things I am grateful for with God and with my husband. As thankfulness fills my heart to the brim with contentment, I find myself living with extraordinary joy, regardless of unmet expectations or circumstances or past hurts.
God showed me the value of being a wife of faith, a wife who trusts Him wholeheartedly, who is confident of her worthiness and purpose. I choose to be a wife who believes she can change and believes her husband can be transformed into the man God designed him to be, and I choose to strive to affirm him in truthfulness.
I desire to be a wife of faith who can persevere no matter the circumstance because she is full of hope, which is the foundation of her motivation. I believe as I choose to walk in the Spirit, love will pour out and bless my marriage. With God’s help I can endure. I can have a thriving marriage. But it requires faith and hope.
I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but there it was. Right behind the aisle of Halloween decorations and candy stood a selection of Christmas trees. The juxtaposition of the two holidays took me by surprise at first, but I soon shrugged it off as just another sign of the times. For whatever reason, the Christmas season seems to start earlier and earlier each year.
While part of me can’t wait for Christmas, it’s sad to see one of the most sacred holidays on the Christian calendar overtaken by commercialism. Many Christians share a strong desire to protect the holiness of Christmas, yet struggle with what to do.
My wife, Tanya, and I faced this question early in our marriage. We were married on December 15, 1995. When we returned from our honeymoon (just two days before Christmas), we were immediately faced with a thousand decisions about our Christmas. Which parent’s house would we visit first? Which traditions would we follow? What about presents?
After a few very disappointing and stressful Christmases, we realized that we had a problem. We had managed to create an unholy mess filled with endless shopping and very little joy.
We knew we needed to make some changes, so we decided to engage in a radical experiment to reboot Christmas in our family and cut back on the influence of commercialism. Some of our solutions were pretty counter-cultural; but in the end, they proved to be worth it—especially as we began raising our children.
If you find yourself longing for a purer, less commercialized version of Christmas, then you might want to try our experiment yourself. Be warned, however; purging commercialism from your Christmas might be harder than you think.
1. Stop asking your kids what they want for Christmas.
From the moment my kids were able to speak, every well-intentioned person they spoke to in the months leading up to Christmas asked them “What do you want for Christmas?” Over the course of a child’s life, they will hear this question countless times, helping to frame their expectations for Christmas as a time to receive, not a time to give.
I realize that we all hate to disappoint our kids. If little Johnny tells us he really, really, really wants an overpriced Super Mega 2000, then some way, somehow, a Super Mega 2000 must find its way under the tree. But too many gifts are bought more out of obligation than a genuine desire to give your child that particular gift.
A better question to ask your kids would be, “What do you want to give for Christmas?” With that simple change, the focus is moved off of self and onto others. It gives them a practical opportunity to apply the words of Jesus: “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35).
Naturally, this will make your gift-giving job harder, but it will also make it more personal. Your gift will be driven by what you know about the person and what you think that person might enjoy. It may even force you to get to know them a little better.
2. Ditch the Christmas list.
Christmas lists can certainly ease the gift selection process, but they also have a negative side. They create expectations—they lead us to focus on what we want. These expectations often cause a great deal of stress. One simple way to relieve the pressure is to eliminate the expectations. Give your loved ones the freedom to express their love for you in whatever way they see fit. They might not choose what you would expect, but remember, it is the thought that counts.
In our immediate family on Christmas morning, we receive only three gifts—one from each member of our family. When we are choosing the gifts we will give, we ask ourselves, What is something that this family member would really enjoy? The only real requirement is that we must be excited to give that particular gift.
We give money to our children to purchase the gifts they are giving. At times, if the gift is right, we have allowed them to be extravagant (within reason). Sometimes they come up with some pretty wild ideas, but the joy in their eyes as they give their gifts is priceless.
Today, no one in our nuclear family creates Christmas lists. In fact, asking for a particular gift would be a sure fire way to guarantee that gift doesn’t find its way under the tree. The fun is in the surprise. We sneak around and hold secret meetings to help each other think through gift ideas. The clandestine operation creates excitement and builds anticipation.
It also gives us a chance to think through the life situation of each family member. What’s going on in their lives right now? What do they need? What would they enjoy?
Some of the most memorable gifts we’ve had would never have made their way onto a traditional Christmas list.
3. Forget Santa … or at least downplay his role.
I know, I know, I’m hitting a touchy subject. Santa represents the fun, magic, and childlike wonder of Christmas to millions. What harm can come from adding a little Santa fun?
Well … you probably wouldn’t be reading an article on how to fix what is broken with Christmas unless you recognized that something wasn’t quite right. Somewhere along the line, Christmas was hijacked by commercialism. And while we can’t blame Santa for all of it, he’s not completely innocent either.
For all the good that he did, the story of Santa taught many of us to focus on receiving. It teaches us that the impossible, way-too-expensive gift will somehow magically appear under the tree. Once we grew up and learned Santa wasn’t real, the childlike wonder of Christmas became elusive. Increasingly, Christmas became a holiday “for the kids.”
If you want to take the focus off of getting, then you’ll need to find ways of downplaying the role of Santa. We taught our kids the historical story of Santa, but he was never given an active role in our Christmas.
If Santa is already deeply ingrained into your traditions, you can start by putting your name on the “big” gift and letting Santa take credit for one of the smaller ones. Eventually, relegate his gift to a simple stocking stuffer. Over time, the “magic” of Santa and his gift is replaced by appreciation for the real giver … you. Your kids will come to know that you are the one who knows them, loves them, and sacrifices for them, not Santa. How can that be a bad thing?
4. Focus on the real gift.
Christmas is not primarily about the presents we give each other. It’s not even primarily about family, food, and friends. While all of these are welcome additions to the Christmas celebration, at its core, Christmas is about Jesus. The whole reason we celebrate Christmas is to commemorate the gift that was given to mankind when Jesus was born.
Many of us go through the tradition of Christmas each year without paying attention to this most important gift. We know in our heads that Christmas is about Jesus’ birthday, but it doesn’t go further than that. It is as if God gave us a Christmas gift that we have refused to open.
Have you ever unwrapped the gift offered through Jesus? Jesus didn’t just come to save the “world.” He came for you. Even if you were the only person on earth, He still would have come. As we read in John 3:16-17: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”
If you haven’t yet opened this gift, there’s no better time.
For those of you who have opened this gift and accepted Jesus’ sacrifice on your behalf, use the Christmas season as a reminder and celebration of what He has done. That’s what my family tries to do. At some point during Christmas afternoon, we gather in the kitchen and collectively prepare a birthday cake. When it is ready, we light a candle and sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus. It may seem silly, but this simple tradition has helped us to remember why we celebrate. It also creates a natural moment to read the Christmas story together.
5. Invite Jesus to the party.
Focusing on the real gift at Christmas can be more difficult when the extended family meets. It’s often all we can to do to gather our motley crew and have it end peacefully.
Look for ways to help the family focus on something beyond the gift giving. FamilyLife, for example, offers some creative questions to use around the dinner table. Whatever you do, remember that your behavior is the best witness for Christ. By virtue of your presence alone, Jesus has already been invited to the party. Let His love, peace, and joy shine through you. When you do, people will see the real meaning of Christmas.
We’ve done this each year by singing Christmas carols up and down our block. In the beginning, I was only able to convince a couple of brave souls to join me out in the cold, but now the crowd has grown to include harmony singers, a guitar, violin, and even a trumpet (So much for having a silent night!). Not everyone in the family sings, but even those who don’t care much for the religious side of Christmas typically join in the tradition.
It wasn’t easy for us at first, but we’re glad we did something to prevent commercialism from overtaking our Christmas celebration. We’ve followed these guidelines in our home for the past 20 years, and I’m glad we have. Christmas today looks much different than it did when we first started. It is simpler, calmer, and more joyful.
When the time comes for us to exchange gifts, the pace is slower, more deliberate, and much more meaningful. Each gift has a story, each choice a “why.” Gifts are not just opened and tossed aside in a mad dash to open them all. They are discussed and individually appreciated. If anything is coveted, it is the honor of who gets to be the first one to give their gift.
In this environment, it has also been much easier to keep the focus on Christ. He is no longer simply an afterthought but the very heart of our celebration.
Advent /‘ad, vent/ noun. The arrival of something long awaited for. A time of expectant waiting and preparation.
Waiting to find out if you got the job.
Waiting on a spouse after another heartbreak.
Waiting for your kid to turn a corner.
Waiting to see if you’re pregnant.
Waiting to hear if you are approved for the apartment.
Waiting to see family after not being home in two years.
These are all real-life conversations I have had this week. There’s a lot of waiting going on in life. There is a lot of deferred hope. There is a lot of heartbreak.
And at times, there is a lot of wonderful joy to be found … though we often realize, once we get something, that it was never meant to or able to fully satisfy.
It’s appropriate to talk about waiting during the season of Advent. The birth of Jesus Christ marked the culmination of hundreds of years of waiting for the promised Messiah. We sing of this period of waiting in songs like “Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus” and “O Come, O Come Immanuel.”
Life requires a robust view of waiting—of God’s centrality … of God’s goodness … of our own limited view … and much more—to be able to experience and process the intensity of what surfaces amongst the anxiety and unknown. Second only to suffering, waiting is one of the greatest teachers and trainers in godliness, maturity, and genuine spirituality most of us ever encounter.
A season of waiting
This year, all the talk of waiting during the Advent season hits home because of what is going on in our personal lives. I am wading into the unknowns of a season of waiting, an in-between land where I have close to zero direct control of the outcomes. Our family is in transition from New York City to Little Rock, Arkansas, as we excitedly join the FamilyLife team. Almost every evening around the dinner table, and every walk home from school, conversations turn to the hopes and fears that lie ahead for our family.
When we moved to Manhattan, the kids were so young that the move just happened to them. This time, they are active participants in the journey. The unknowns that await them have filled this year’s family Advent devotionals with an extra dose of applicable anticipation. (Not to mention the areas that my wife, Meg, and I are processing and navigating!)
It takes me back to seven of the most important things I have learned in past seasons of excruciating waiting. These are lessons that I otherwise would not have processed deep in my soul unless I had to walk through it. Things that I am processing anew.
1. God is never aimless. A saint’s life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see and will release at the precise time He is ready.
2. God-given destiny usually doesn’t follow a natural course of events.
3. In craving clarity in the unknown, we often attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God.
4. The odd thing about waiting on and obeying God is that it often seems like a detour from what we want. But it ends up being the only way to truly achieve what we really want.
5. Trying to press on and ignore what it is bubbling up deep within during a time of waiting is the most dangerous thing we could do.
6. No person enjoys the out-of-control feeling of not knowing where you’re going. But the testing of your faith usually requires it.
7. God puts His people in positions where they become desperate for His power and presence to show up, and then He shows His provision in ways that display His greatness.
Whatever you are waiting on in this season of life, one of the harshest realities to embrace is that there is no guarantee of the outcome. Which brings us back to where we started in this Advent season—Jesus has come, and He is coming again. In the meantime, our hope rests mainly in that God is with us in the waiting, and He longs for us to make room for Him to enter in to our present realities. It is one of the only things we can expectantly wait and prepare for with certainty.
What’s something profound in your life you are still waiting for?
Isaiah 64:4 tells us, “From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him.”
Where do you long for God’s presence or intervention?
How can you be intentional to create conditions that ease Christ’s coming into your life this Christmas?
What do you see as hindrances or obstacles to Christ’s presence in your life at this time?
It’s hard to believe that we are only a few days away from Christmas. The holidays can come and go before you know it. This year, slow down and truly experience this special season centered around family, joy, giving, and most importantly—Jesus. Here are a few ideas to help you prepare your heart for Christmas.
1. Reflect. Take note of the many reasons you have to be thankful this Christmas. Spend time thanking God specifically for ways He has provided for you—spiritually, relationally, financially, etc. Praise Him for His goodness, grace, and faithfulness in all seasons of life.
2. Gather. Spend uninterrupted time with the people you love. If necessary, limit the activities and parties you commit to so that you can focus on time with your family instead. We often rush through our busy Christmas schedules and miss time to really be present in the moments we are together with our loved ones. Make memories together as you celebrate Christmas.
3. Sing. This may seem a little silly at first, but spend time singing your favorite Christmas songs aloud. Pay close attention to the words, thanking God for His incredible gift of our Savior. Sing these traditional carols as worship songs to the Lord.
4. Celebrate. Jesus, the One who holds all things together, chose to enter the world in the humblest form—a small, helpless baby. Jesus’ birth is the greatest gift we will ever receive and that is definitely a reason to celebrate! Embrace the joy found in the birth of Immanuel—God with us.
5. Listen. Practice the art of truly listening to others as you gather with family and friends. Whether you’re having dinner, opening presents, or sitting around and catching up with those you haven’t seen in a while, pay attention to what is said instead of thinking about how you will respond. Truly listening is one of the best ways to show your loved ones that you care.
6. Remember. Reflect on the fact that our Savior was born specifically so that He would one day die for our sins. Thank Him for His willingness to enter this messy, broken, hopeless world. Rejoice in the Father’s love, reflecting on the reality that He sent His only Son to pay the price for sin—our sin. Remember what He went through on the cross to save us.
7. Enjoy. Christmas is a beautiful season—sparkling Christmas lights, decorations hung with care, memorable moments with family. Appreciate the little moments. Slow down long enough to delight in the beauty all around.
8. Read. Study the story of Christ’s birth. Instead of rushing through the reading of Matthew 1 or Luke 2, take time to meditate on the words. Read the passages slowly, taking note of the details you may have missed before. Ask the Lord to help you notice new things as you read the story with fresh eyes.
9. Pray. Lift up those who do not know Jesus in prayer. Pray for the lost and hurting. Ask God to open your eyes to opportunities to share the gospel with those around you—with family, friends, and even strangers. Pray for those who are all alone this Christmas; pray they will encounter Jesus and find hope in the One who loves them and will never leave them.
10. Worship. Christmas is the perfect opportunity for worship. Worshipping God encompasses so much more than simply singing. Worship is a way of life. This Christmas, seek to honor Him with the way you live. Speak words to others that breathe life, not discouragement. Love the people in your life selflessly. Humbly serve your family. Praise God with the little moments in your daily life.
“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go…”
These magical lyrics startled me awake the morning after Thanksgiving. My sister’s phone played this song by my ear as a way to say, “It’s Christmastime, sissy!” This has become our tradition—waking each other up with a favorite Christmas tune as a sort of processional into the season.
When I ask my friends, “What’s your favorite part about Christmas?” the resounding answer I receive is “the music.” Bells jingle everywhere we turn: in the stores, in our cars, in our homes. When you think about it, Christmas is a unique period of the year when singing in public places is encouraged for adults and children alike. I think we favor the music because it fills our souls with the warm fuzzies.
As lovely as it is to listen to Nat King Cole by a fire, in reality, Christmas is not about savoring cozy moments. It is not about being entertained.
It is about worshiping a King.
These celebratory weeks should be used to adore the Savior who is Christ the Lord. Christmas is a chance to remember how Christ came to earth to rescue people from their sins. That’s a little different from what most holiday tunes tell us.
Because we live in a culture that worships things instead of Christ, it is easy to forget to refocus our hearts on Him at Christmastime.
And children are especially susceptible to buying into the messages pitched at them. Stories of snowy days, Santa Claus, and Grandma getting run over by a reindeer comprise the culture’s narrative of Christmas. Unless parents remind their kids that celebrating Christ’s birth is the point of the holiday, the materialistic world will convince them of something else entirely.
Listening to traditional Christmas hymns is one way to remind your children of the beautiful, gospel-centered purpose of Christmas. Here are a few ways to do this with your family:
1. Change the radio station. We get into the habit of singing “Joy to the World” at church, but 50 minutes later we revert to Michael Bublé and Mariah Carey in our cars on the way home. There is nothing wrong with most secular Christmas music. In fact, I sincerely enjoy it. But we must also remember that what we allow our ears to hear makes an imprint on our thinking.
I usually have a song playing round and round through my head, sometimes from the moment I wake up. So the songs I choose to listen to matter.
If I want to change my mood, I know what can help. While listening to “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” does not plant worldly messages in my mind, the reminder to adore Christ within the lyrics of “O Come All Ye Faithful” is more valuable.
When you have the opportunity, play holiday music that speaks of Christ. Try making a game of learning a new Christmas song a week with your little ones. Songs as simple as “Away in a Manger” plant images into the hearts of children of Christ as both a baby and the One who fits us for heaven. Turn off the children’s Christmas music playlist for a little while.
2. Listen to the lyrics. Growing up listening to historical Christmas songs with my family has given me a stronger appreciation for the work of Christ. The writers of the time were intent on expressing the marvelous power and work that came of the Incarnation.
Admire the lyrics from “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day”:
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep: “God is not dead; nor doth he sleep! The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, With peace on earth, good will to men.”
This single stanza proclaims that Christ is not dead, that His life brings peace, and that through Him good prevails over evil. It sings of His justice and His peace.
Beautifully crafted lyrics, which musicians have uniquely and melodically stitched together, instill a sense of awe for Christ’s coming. “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” in contrast, teaches me nothing of God’s gift to the world.
Throughout my childhood, my family annually whipped out our stack of Christmas CDs. We listened to artists like Steven Curtis Chapman, Michael W. Smith, and MercyMe. Different from much of the repetitive songs on the radio, this music is laden with hope and truth.
My family does not often talk about the lyrics, but one of us often lets out with a satisfied sigh, “I love that one.” Listening and singing to rich Christmas songs with my family has repeatedly impacted my worship during Christmastime.
3. Expose your children. You might be thinking, My kids are too young to understand what these lofty lyrics mean. Why bother if they will not understand?
Perhaps you are right. Five year olds probably do not know what it means for “God to impart to human hearts the blessings of His heav’n.” But just as you read books to children to increase their reading comprehension, exposing them to significant ideas and phrases in hymns will increase their understanding of spiritual truth as they grow.
For example, observe the third verse of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”:
How silently, how silently The wondrous gift is giv’n! So God imparts to human hearts The blessings of His heav’n. No ear may hear His coming; But in this world of sin, Where meek souls will receive Him, still The dear Christ enters in.
In just 44 words, this stanza communicates the true hope of Christmas: Christ was given to enter human hearts. Your children may not understand the meaning of the lyrics as they understand those of “Frosty the Snowman,” but familiarity will eventually cultivate comprehension.
And when your kids ask what a song means, you have an opportunity to explain it in ways they can understand. Listening together may lead to meaningful family conversations.
So change a few habits this Christmas. Find ways to expose your children to meaningful Christmas hymns. Play them in your home. Play them in your car on the way to school or church. Host a Christmas caroling party. Choosing to listen to Christmas music that speaks of more than romance and snow will help to keep your family’s focus on the gospel this Christmas.
A list of favorites
Here are some of my favorite Christmas albums. These are available on streaming services like Spotify. They’re also for sale on iTunes and Amazon.
Steven Curtis Chapman: Joy; All I Really Want; The Music of Christmas
Michael W. Smith: Christmastime; It’s a Wonderful Christmas; Strings of Christmas
Amy Grant: A Christmas Album; Home for Christmas
MercyMe: The Christmas Sessions; MercyMe, It’s Christmas!
I love Christmas shopping. I’ll spend weeks before the big day searching for the right gift that conveys just what that particular person means to me or our family. Nothing elaborate or overly expensive but something that is practical and comes from the heart.
When it comes to my husband, on the other hand, I’m usually stuck. The man is hard to shop for. Outside of something with four-wheel drive or a large outboard motor, there isn’t much he wants.
When we were first married, it was easier somehow. One year, I bought Josh basketball tickets to his favorite college team. The game was on New Year’s Eve, so I booked us a room at a nice hotel nearby. I put our game tickets and hotel confirmation in a box topped with a new hat and was good to go.
But somewhere along the way in our 13 years of marriage, it became less and less apparent what to get my favorite guy in the world for Christmas. The more we built a life together, the less, it seemed, I knew what to wrap up for him under the tree.
So I did what any good wife would do. I bugged him about it. I asked him what he wanted. He said “nothing.” I made suggestions. His less than enthusiastic “sure” told me I just wasn’t on target.
What to get for the guy who wants “nothing”
Why is it so hard to shop for men? Probably because we are coming at it from a woman’s point of view. A man would ask, “Why are women so hard to shop for?” Well, it’s because we’re created so differently. A little Scripture searching and marriage experience will teach you that. Both men and women were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). But this time of year, it seems the similarities end there.
So where does that leave us wives who really want to express to our husbands just how much they mean to us? For one, accept the differences between you and your spouse. Two, read on.
Without further ado, here is what your husband really wants for Christmas.
Your undivided attention.
Kids or not, women tend to take on a lot this time of year. Finding the perfect gift for everyone on our list, school and/or office parties, baking galore, and trying to pack every Hallmark movie-worthy moment into the holiday season can quickly pull us away from the true meaning of Christmas, and even farther away from our husbands.
This year, offer your husband the gift of your attention. Carve some time out of your hectic holiday schedule to take him out to his favorite restaurant for lunch or dinner and then just sit and listen to how he’s doing and what is going on in his life. Even better, if your budget allows, wrap a little box for under the tree and place inside it hotel reservations for a night away for just the two of you. No kid talk or work worries allowed—just you and your favorite guy catching up on knowing each other.
It probably gets harder to shop for our significant others as time goes by for this very reason—we’ve stopped seeking to know each other. If you’ve been married past the honeymoon phase, you’re probably finding out he isn’t the person you married anymore. You aren’t either. People change as they grow, and you’ll need to ask yourself—do you want to grow together or grow apart?
Your involvement in his passions.
My husband is an avid outdoor sportsman. He can spend hours organizing his lures and lines before a fishing trip, and he looks forward to waking up before the crack of dawn to sit in a tree stand in freezing temperatures to await a deer that may or may not come. It’s his thing.
Me, not so much. I love snuggling under a warm blanket in the morning, steaming cup of peppermint mocha in my hand. But that doesn’t mean I won’t cast a line or stomp through the woods beside my man. In fact, some of my favorite memories with my husband have been spent doing things that are more his hobbies than mine. Like the time we woke early for a long drive to Lake Monticello in southern Arkansas. The wind was blowing hard, and the waters were insanely choppy. And then the boat broke down in the middle of the lake, and we had to putter back to shore in reverse. We didn’t catch a single fish that day. Now, we laugh about it all the time.
Engaging in what excites your husband not only expresses your love to him, but it gives you an amazing opportunity to get to know him outside of the day-to-day and strengthens your friendship. Plan something for just the two of you this season. Maybe wrap up some his and hers camo under the tree, or if your husband is an avid reader, pick up two copies of a book he has mentioned wanting, and read it along with him. Whatever his hobby is, find a way to be a part of it every now and then.
The Apostle Peter speaks directly to wives in the following verse—”Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word” (1 Peter 3:1-2). Other translations sub the word “subject” for “respect” here. Those words weren’t chosen by chance, but deliberately inspired by the awesome Creator of men. The One who created our husbands created them to need—to crave—respect from their wives, their helpers. As wives, it is a way to love our husbands well. Respect = Love.
So how do you gift respect for Christmas? Maybe take the time to write him a letter. Tell him all the ways his guidance has helped you over the years. Remind him you couldn’t and wouldn’t want to do this crazy thing called life without him. Tell him all the ways he is leading your family well and the many things you adore about him—his sense of humor, his ability to stay calm when you panic, even how he looks in that certain pair of jeans. Ladies, your guy needs to hear it.
Also, take the time to ask your husband what communicates respect to him, or, better yet, ask him if there are ways you might be disrespecting him without knowing. I had a bad habit of correcting my husband in front of our children. It wasn’t over big things, just tiny issues that seemed like nothing to me. But my “minor” corrections weren’t so minor to him—it came across as criticism. I am (still) learning to hold my tongue and to discuss any issues out of the earshot of the kids. Why? Because I want him to know I love and respect him. Not just at Christmas, but all year long.
And while you are at it, thank God for all the ways He made you two so different. My husband is strong in nearly every way I am weak. I thank God for creating Josh the way He did.
SEX.
Seriously, ladies. Your husband wants your physical affection far more than any elaborately decorated package under the tree.
“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine” (Song of Solomon 1:2). Everyday life can quickly make its way to the bedroom if we let it. Wives, this is a warning to you especially. Protect your marriage by taking care of your husband’s physical needs, as well. What man wouldn’t want to hear his “love is better than wine?”
Here’s an easy present for your husband—no box or gift receipt needed. Just hang that mistletoe in the bedroom this year, and remind him he is still attractive to you and is the only man who can fill your needs.
And here is one more thing your husband would appreciate …
Some slack.
I love this time of year and everything that comes with it—the childlike excitement, red and green adorning every square inch of space, the lights and music, Christmas parades, and the drive-through nativity at the church near our home.
My precious husband and I are night and day all year long, but at no other time is it as apparent as it is during the holiday season. And when I expect him to react to all the festivities with the same level of glee and zest as I do, it only causes tension and saps the joy from both our hearts. And that is not how I want to spend the holidays with my love.
So take a moment to gift your husband some slack this Christmas. Chances are, he is racking his brain to come up with the perfect gift for you, too.
When these words flung from my cousin’s mouth one Sunday morning at church, I was stunned.
Oh, how my heart ached for her! I knew at the young age of 12 that this new reality would bring plenty of pain.
But I did not anticipate the changes it would force into our family gatherings.
Christmas has not looked the same since that divorce. Before that year, my sister and I looked forward to the long Christmas afternoon to play with our cousins. We could always count on enjoying Grandma’s traditional dinner with a full table of relatives.
Now each year as we approach Christmas, we ask the annual question: “Who will be there?” The guests ebb and flow each year as new boyfriends and spouses come in tow or family members make other plans. The group’s energy level is also affected by what festivities the cousins already enjoyed with their dad.
Tradition is something I can no longer depend on. Even though I have not had to live with this altered reality on a daily basis as my cousins have, I have still been impacted by the broken marriage.
Many of you could relate. Similar experiences have become common in today’s culture. When situations like divorce or relational conflict usher tension into Christmas gatherings, knowing how to behave can be a tricky business. How should traditions be maintained? Who should be invited? When and where should the holiday be hosted?
The outlook you choose can make or break the day. Here are three attitudes that have helped me adapt to changing Christmas traditions:
1. Flexibility. Our family traditionally exchanged gifts on Christmas morning, but after the divorce that was no longer an assumption. I remember the first time my family exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. My cousins were scheduled to celebrate Christmas with their dad that year, so for the sake of seeing them, we planned to open gifts and take pictures the day before.
When I learned of this plan, I was filled with frustration. I knew it would not feel like Christmas. I was right; it felt strange and unfair. Yes, we were able to see family, but I still felt the loss of the long, golden afternoon and meal we had always enjoyed together. I had done nothing to merit this, and yet I found myself begrudgingly paying the price for someone else’s choice.
As I have been told hundreds of times, Christmas is a time for family and friends to celebrate Christ’s birth. In light of this, I am amazed by my ability to make it all about me. Why did they have to get a divorce and drag me into the consequences? I wanted to spend Christmas Day with family, and family only, while carrying out meaningful, long-kept traditions.
Over the years, I have discovered that an attitude of inflexibility only pivots my attention back on myself. Selfishly forcing “the way we have always done things” onto a broken family can drive family apart instead of draw them together.
I have found that openness to change encourages togetherness. Difficult as it may be, if I ultimately want to celebrate Christ with family I must place their needs before my own. In doing so, I reflect the self-sacrifice Christ’s birth embodies.
Flexibility is not always comfortable, but it helps refocus my heart on what truly matters.
2. Compassion. When I’m tempted to complain about my own sacrifices, I try recalling what my cousins must have felt while driving from one parent’s home to another for Christmas gatherings. When their parents divorced, they lost the root of their security. All I lost was one day of tradition.
Jesus calls us to be tenderhearted and to place others before ourselves. But I confess, it is easy to forget my cousins’ suffering. I still enjoy the luxury of a united family. Their desire to hold on to whatever traditions they can must be exponentially greater than my own. When I realize this, my heart is able to extend compassion toward them.
What is harder is showing compassion to those who instigated the pain in the first place. It is the least natural response toward those who are at fault.
But when you think about it, this is precisely what God does for us. We choose to sin. We choose to do things our way and walk away from God’s beautiful plan. But God still has compassion on us. He sent Jesus to earth on that very first Christmas so that He could restore us.
I need to have the same attitude of compassion. Inward heart change, and sometimes outward displays of empathy, can go a long way in setting the tone on Christmas.
My own disappointment over lost tradition and family peace may be significant, but I must ask for God’s help to keep my feelings from controlling my words and thoughts toward those responsible. Above anything else, my heart should break for their hearts and the suffering they have caused themselves.
3. Thankfulness. Since the divorce, I have experienced Christmases without my cousins, Christmases celebrated on Christmas Eve, and Christmases with loved ones distracted by non-family members. But I never guessed I would have to give up a home-cooked Christmas dinner, too.
The cousins only had two hours to be with us that year, and that led to the adults’ executive decision to eat a quick meal out before the cousins drove to their next commitment. My pale plate of biscuits and gravy tasted like paste. This was nothing like Grandma’s ham, yams, macaroni salad, and orange fluff we had eaten every Christmas.
My favorite parts of Christmas Day suddenly slipped between my fingers. No lingering afternoon. No photos. No homemade meal. I was always good at putting on a smile and trying to make the best of things, but on the inside, I was angry with the whole situation.
One thing rescued me from a moody, miserable day: thankfulness.
My parents were consistent about reminding my sister and me to have a heart of thankfulness in all circumstances. And somehow that message penetrated my heart that day. Looking at my circumstance from a different angle, I recalled that at least I had a family, broken as it may be, to celebrate Christ’s birth with.
In the midst of upheaval, thankfulness served as a healing salve to my selfish heart. God designed thankfulness to dispel negativity and selfishness from human hearts, including my own. It turns my eyes away from myself. It points me to God.
Psalm 107:1 is one of many passages in the Bible that invites us to “give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.” I may experience His goodness and His love differently than Christmases past, but they still surpass my circumstances.
The enduring love that God gave to the world through His Son Jesus is more than sufficient reason for thanksgiving, even amidst family conflict and disrupted tradition. Family dynamics may not create a “merry” Christmas, but choosing thankfulness can do wonders for the heart.
I cringe when I reflect on what the past 10 Christmases might have been without flexibility, compassion, and thankfulness. While I have been far from flawless in these areas, they have helped me minimize my selfishness and maximize my love for my family and Christ.
God has been gracious to me in my weakness. I have learned along the way that when tradition begins to hold greater value than the people involved, my focus on the celebration wanes. May my heart continue to give God thanks for the gift of His Son, who was the very embodiment of compassion and flexibility.
Each Christmas we sing the peaceful words of the old familiar carol: “Silent night, holy night. All is calm; all is bright …”
If you have a blended family like my husband and me, you might be saying, “Are you crazy? There is nothing silent, calm, or bright about my holidays!” The family gathering schedule is chaos, traditions change from house to house, feelings get hurt, and emotions get out of control.
Here are some things we’ve heard in the past and what you might hear from your stepkids over the holidays:
“My stepdad told me we can’t open one gift on Christmas Eve. That was our tradition when my mom and dad were still married.” —Stepson, age 7
“What do you mean I can’t go to Amy’s house for New Year’s Eve? I do every year!! You’re not my mom!” —Stepdaughter, age 15
If your family has similar experiences, I’ve put together five ideas to help keep your holy nights calm and bright throughout the entire holiday season:
1.Remember the reason for the season. Keeping peace on earth starts with you. As Christians, it’s our responsibility to model Christ to our stepchildren and ex-spouses, especially those who are not walking with the Lord. Romans 14:19 says, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (NIV).
The holidays aren’t ultimately intended to create the perfect family gathering with all the right atmosphere and trimmings. These special days are a celebration of our Lord Jesus Christ, the one who has brought salvation, grace, love, and joy. Are we demonstrating the love of God in our stepfamily? Are we expressing the joy of the Lord? Remember to center your holidays on the right celebration.
2. Honor traditions that your stepkids bring and consider new ones. For our family, decorating our first Christmas tree was brutal. The debate about how to hang tinsel and where to place the ornaments fueled the fire of “I don’t like change!” And what could have been a fun family time turned into a mush of hurt feelings and temper tantrums.
We learned that a new family means doing things a new way. That involves flexibility and open minds. It’s okay to keep some old traditions, but it may be time to create some new ones, too. We asked each of our kids to suggest something they’d like to create as a new tradition. As long as it was legal and not immoral, we agreed.
One new tradition sounds pretty simple, but had a lot of impact. We bought matching ornaments for the kids each year and added their names and the year. As each has married, we have carefully packed up their ornaments and presented to them for their first Christmas tree. There are lots of great memories attached to those ornaments.
As the kids have gotten older, we have added a new tradition of Thanksgiving Day golf. The boys (since we have more of them) leave the house with my husband, Gil, by 8 a.m. Living in the Northwest, you never know what kind of weather will greet you on that morning. Last year, it was more like ice golfing. We came back with a video of 28-year-old Kyle ice skating in the sand trap as he tried to maneuver his way out. Feet sliding under him, his feeble attempt to escape the trap made us all laugh! As we reminisce around the dinner table each year, that tradition is always brought up.
3. Reduce pressure of holiday schedules. So much strife is created by the timing of family get-togethers, but if you look at things a little differently, you can stretch your holiday time and even enjoy it. (As we always say, “Remember, blessed are the flexible, for they won’t snap.”)
Consider that your celebration doesn’t need to be on the day of the holiday. Instead, reserve another date close to the holiday for your holiday festivities. Having an “open house” day may work best. Invite your kids and stepkids to come when they are able and stay as long as they’d like.
This format will bring your kids great relief from having to run from house to house. And for you, that means you get more stress-free time with them.
4. Don’t hold grudges. Many families trade off each year where kids will be for the major holidays, which can disappoint and hurt feelings. But don’t spend your energy on holding grudges over scheduling chaos. Instead, put your energy into loving them, and enjoy the time you have with them.
If emotions run crazy, chances are they are just trying to make all of their parents happy by showing up when asked. The more understanding you have, the more pleasant the holiday will be and the more your kids will look forward to spending time in your home.
5. Don’t forget about your marriage. Take time to check in with your spouse. Sometimes my husband and I will ask one another, “How’s your heart?” Between gift buying, school concerts, dinner parties, scheduling with your ex, budgeting for presents, and getting the oil changed in your car, you can miss each other’s hearts. It’s during stressful times that the hurt can show up the most, so be sensitive and take time to listen. Showing a united, calm marriage will benefit everyone, including your kids.
This time of year, it’s easy to get caught up in the emotions of “how we used to do it.” When these emotional knots weighed down our family, it helped us to be open-minded and open-handed. We would ask each other and ask God, “What is best for our family?”
Keeping peace through the holidays starts with you and your spouse. Take a deep breath and have a peaceful holiday, and as you focus on the real reason for the season, let your joy for the Lord be contagious.
After less than a year of marriage, Guy Williams was moving out. He and Vivian had each been married previously, and they were overwhelmed by the frustrations of blending their two homes. They just couldn’t make it work. Guy and Vivian carried boxes from their townhouse to Guy’s car. An upstairs neighbor walked onto her balcony and watched the drama unfold before her.
But when the car was half packed, something caused Vivian to wonder if they were making a terrible mistake.
She remembered when she had fallen in love with Guy. They had both been in the military and now worked for the same state agency in Illinois. They had so much in common; they could talk about anything.
Like Vivian, Guy loved the Lord, and he understood her desires to be active in church and involved in ministry.
Neither wanted to begin a relationship and then have it end like their previous marriages. When they began dating, they had even talked about being careful not to repeat old mistakes. And yet, after just months of trying to do life together, they felt like giving up.
This just didn’t seem right, to quit so soon. So Vivian stopped and asked, “What are we doing?”
Those four words were all it took to jar both of them into reality. Why were they giving up their marriage so easily?
Guy and Vivian embraced, and then began to unpack his car. Vivian recalls the upstairs neighbor looking perplexed. She was unaware that she had witnessed the resuscitation of a dying marriage … the first breath of new life for not only Guy and Vivian, but also for their legacy.
Coming together
When Guy and Vivian started dating, she was a single mother with three girls, and he had two daughters and a young son. Guy was amazed by how easily Vivian seemed to juggle work and home. As they fell in love he thought, If she could do such a good job with her children, let’s add my crew to the combination and we’ll have the perfect coming together.
After dating for a year, they decided to get married and went to premarital counseling. However, those sessions didn’t address the unique challenges of remarriage and stepfamilies. The Williams were not prepared for the problems they would have trying to combine their children into one home.
At the time, Guy had an 18-year-old daughter who lived with him intermittently. He also had a grown daughter, and a 10-year-old son who lived with his mother and visited Guy on weekends. Vivian, on the other hand, had three daughters—17-year-old twins and a 12-year-old. Guy and his 18-year old daughter moved into Vivian’s three-bedroom townhouse where they joined Vivian’s three girls.
They expected their marriage to be ideal because they were both committed Christians and the best of friends. But everything seemed to change after they became husband and wife.
The children, for example, became possessive of their biological parents. And being crowded into a three-bedroom townhouse did not help. There was a lot of bickering and arguing among the kids.
Vivian had raised her daughters with standards that Guy’s daughter was not accustomed to, and that caused some friction. For example, Vivian’s daughters knew what she meant when she said to clean the kitchen—wiping off the counter and the stove, sweeping the kitchen floor, and taking out the garbage were included. But to Guy’s daughter, putting dishes in the dishwasher completed the job.
After explaining multiple times how to clean a kitchen, Vivian found herself getting increasingly frustrated with this young lady. When Guy did not come to her defense, she felt like the enemy.
When Guy’s son came to visit, new tensions arose. No matter what Vivian prepared for dinner, one child would like the meal and another would not. If someone wanted to spend quiet time reading, another would start to play the guitar. Vivian waited for Guy to fix the situation, and he didn’t. She wanted everyone in the household to sit down together and discuss the matter, but Guy believed individual conversations were best.
After seven months, the day-to-day challenges of trying to merge two families reached a breaking point. Vivian told Guy that she wanted him to take more of a leadership role and lay down the law in their home. But he said that wasn’t his style. They traded complaints about the kids. Back and forth they went, with higher and higher voices. Finally Vivian blurted out that their marriage was not working. “Fine,” Guy said, “I’ll just leave.”
Her answer? “Okay, let me help you.”
That was the day, back in 2001, when Guy and Vivian almost ended it all. Today they are grateful they stopped to consider what they were doing. Instead of getting a divorce, they got help.
Discovering resources for their marriage and stepfamily
A few months after Guy almost left for good, the home environment improved when Vivian’s twin daughters moved away to college and Guy’s daughter moved out of state. This reduced some tensions.
It wasn’t until 2006, when Guy stumbled on Ron Deal’s book The Smart Stepfamily, that the Williamses began to understand what had initially gone wrong in their blended marriage. They felt affirmed as they read about the unique challenges of combining two different homes into one. And they learned how their marriage affected not just their relationship, but also their children’s relationships to their biological parents.
Reading The Smart Stepfamily gave Guy and Vivian needed insight into what kids go through when they travel from house to house. And the advice it gave about discipline for younger children was very helpful. They learned it is better for biological parents to discipline their biological children. Vivian had thought that Guy, as “head of the household,” should discipline all of the children.
After reading Ron’s book for stepfamilies, Guy remembered hearing a radio ad for a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. He and Vivian decided to go. At the getaway they found what had been missing in their relationship—a biblical blueprint for their marriage.
They discovered that a good marriage doesn’t just happen; it requires a husband and a wife working together to become one.
Vivian learned that her husband was not her enemy. That despite their differences and challenges, they were on the same team. She also realized that she had taken her husband’s unconditional love for granted. “When I am in my ugliest mood,” she says, “Guy’s job is to just love me as Christ loves me.”
The sessions on communication helped Guy understand that some of their marriage problems could be traced directly to his poor communication skills. He learned not to keep anxious thoughts trapped inside, but instead to tell Vivian how he is feeling.
Guy also began to consider Vivian’s health issues. “If she is not feeling well, I need to pay attention,” he says. Instead of considering first how Vivian is to love and comfort him, he now focuses on his role of loving and comforting her.
Continuing to invest in marriage
The Williamses learned so much at that first marriage getaway that they’ve returned year after year. Wanting to help others, in 2011 they joined their local Weekend to Remember volunteer team in Peoria, Illinois. In 2013 they became its directors. They wanted to help other couples learn the same life-changing principles that had transformed their marriage.
Over the years Guy and Vivian have added many more resources to their home library. The Five Love Languages, Fight Fair!, The Smart Stepmom, and The Smart Stepdad are some of their favorites. They have attended The Art of Marriage® video event and facilitated many small-group Bible studies using The Art of Marriage® Connect series.
When Guy was packing up his car to leave Vivian many years ago, they knew their upstairs neighbor was watching. What they didn’t understand at the time was that their marriage was also being observed by their children.
Now all of the Williamses’ married children want a Christ-centered relationship like their parents’. They have all gone to a Weekend to Remember getaway. Even their single daughter went to one so she could be better prepared for marriage one day.
Guy and Vivian are grateful that God breathed new life into their once-dying marriage. They remind struggling couples not to give up on their marriages so easily, to ask themselves two questions: “What are we doing?” and “Who is watching us?”
Every company on the planet tries to develop a “brand.” This brand speaks volumes about the company. We all know what Microsoft or Google do just by the mention of their name. Sometimes it doesn’t even take a spoken word, merely a logo—Apple’s apple and the McDonald’s arches are some of the more famous.
Other companies make their reputation, longevity, or integrity part of their brand (Nordstrom’s customer service policy comes to mind). Companies spend billions (maybe trillions) of dollars every year trying to distinguish themselves from their competitors and establish a brand name recognition.
Each of us as individuals (and as fathers) has our own personal brand as well. Your brand is what you are known for. It is the qualities that come to mind when people think of you.
Your brand precedes you into any situation, meeting, or circumstance. It is how you deal with life’s struggles. Even people who do not know you personally know a little about you merely by your brand and reputation. If we are intentional about our brand, we can create one that speaks volumes to our children and to future generations. If we are not intentional, we can send all sorts of negative or even destructive messages to those who look up to us.
People want to be something, and your children are no different. They want to be associated with something honorable and bigger than themselves—something others admire. The best way to make your family an admirable entity is to develop a brand that they can be proud to be affiliated with. Too often most of us go through life reacting to whatever gets thrown at us. This is an area that as fathers we should be proactive in developing a strategy for.
A code to live by
Part of developing our brand is determining who we are, what things we stand for, and then some rituals and traditions we can use to reinforce and instill that brand in our children (much like companies use advertising). Nearly all great men and fathers throughout history have had a code they lived by. This code was generally focused on honor, but included other ways of living that dictated how that man responded to life and the challenges it threw at him.
In my books I have written about honor codes of men and cultures throughout history. For instance, Theodore Roosevelt had a very rigid code he lived by that was passed down from his father. He was known for his Olympian work ethic and strong self-discipline. Abraham Lincoln was known for the perseverance that helped him overcome so many obstacles in his life. And Robert E. Lee was known by all as having such a powerful code of honor, nobility, and integrity that even his enemies admired and respected him.
Developing rituals and traditions is extremely important for the health and well-being of your family, as well as the development of your brand. Create a family culture that incorporates all members as being important and significant. Research shows that kids who feel like important, contributing members of a family are much more resistant to peer pressure, cults, and outside influences than kids who don’t. Kids who lack that family connection are more apt to engage in sex, drugs, and gang activities at younger ages.
Family culture
If you want to have a close-knit, fun-loving family, you need to be intentional about creating a positive family culture. A culture in this sense is a group of people (a family) who have common goals and who think, feel, and act in ways that work together to achieve those goals.
Your family will have a culture of its own—either by design or default. It will show up in the way your family solves problems, works together, and relates to one another.
For a family whose culture is allowed to develop by default, the results are usually mediocre. Parents who do not think through which values they want to transmit to their children and how to pass them along often end up disappointed in the results.
Developing a positive family culture takes effort and time; it doesn’t just happen overnight. A family culture is predicated upon three items: values, norms, and rituals/traditions.
Values are the cornerstone of your family. They are positive character traits that you and your family believe are foundational in how you live life. My family’s guiding values include things like honesty, hard work, perseverance, and trust. These values were shaped by our family histories, our faith, and our education.
Your values, like all families, will be different. Consider which values you believe to be most important and start working with your wife to instill them in your family.
Norms are rules (spoken or unspoken) about how a family behaves. They are standards that a family uses to relate to each other and to the world. The family I grew up in believed that pettiness, arguing, and distrust were acceptable norms. My parents operated under a “do what I say, not what I do” mentality, and we didn’t tell outsiders about what happened in our home.In case you are wondering—no, it’s not a healthy way to raise and nurture a family.
Rituals and traditions are behaviors and routines that provide a family with a sense of purpose. They can be very simple but need to be intentional. Our rituals included dinner together as a family every night. We had minor traditions on holidays, such as watching certain movies together every year. Today our grown children still insist on watching those movies at holiday time. We also had a tradition every year on New Year’s Eve of sharing our goals for the coming year. We would discuss our goals from the past year and how we rated ourselves in accomplishing them or why we didn’t.
If you grew up in a home that did not have traditions or had unhealthy ones, take some time with your wife and think about what traditions you’d like to start as a family. It’s never too late to start. Make sure those traditions correlate with the values you hold to be core to your family. Those rituals will be passed down for generations of your lineage, and they are a great source of joy with your children and grandchildren. They will become the trademark for which your family is known.
Listen to Rick Johnson recall the alcoholic home he was raised in, the mistakes he made early on in his marriage, and how his parenting changed for the better once he understood the meaning of grace and forgiveness on FamilyLife Today®. And order Rick’s book, 10 Things Great Dads Do.
In 2000, my wife, Alison, and I began serving in marriage discipleship when our church asked us to start a Sunday school class for newlywed couples. In our first gathering, four couples attended. Four years later, we were offering five marriage classes with a combined attendance of 120 couples. People often asked, “What is the key to your success?” My response was always, “We ask God to show up each week, and we prepare for Him to show up.”
And that was a valid answer—prayer and preparation were essential elements of our ministry. So was intentionally mentoring future class leaders. But 15 years later, I can also identify something else we did that increased our chance of success.
From the start, we offered the material through the primary delivery method that our church already supported and that people already participated in: small groups.
Our church had a paid staff member responsible for small groups, and he had support staff helping him. Our church provided meeting space, childcare, announcements, and training for small-group leaders. Church leaders continually encouraged people to attend the small groups. Inadvertently we had aligned our marriage ministry to be supported by the church’s organizational and operational philosophy.
And the reason for the overwhelming participation we experienced was that 92 percent of our church’s weekend attendees already participated in a small group. We did not struggle to get people to attend a marriage small group because we already had high participation in groups overall. We simply brought the marriage content to where attendees were already gathering.
This was not a calculated and intentional approach on our part at first, but once we noticed the trend and realized its effectiveness, we made it an essential part of our ministry plan.
Choosing the right delivery method
Generally, churches offer biblical teaching to members through three primary delivery methods: large groups, small groups, and one-to-one ministry. As a leader, you probably tend to deliver content through the method you are most comfortable with. But to improve your chance of success in discipleship, whether it is with men, women, or couples, you may need to use a delivery method other than the one you prefer. Here are two principles to consider when deciding what method to use:
1. Look at where your church can offer organizational support. How is your church organized? What staff, volunteers, and systems are already in place to support a large-group gathering? Probably all three, as most churches have at least one large-group gathering a week—the worship service. The pastor prepares to preach, and volunteers or other staff prepare the space, manage the lights and sound, and provide music. A communications support system posts the times and location and gives general information about what to expect in these large-group gatherings.
Does your church offer Sunday school classes or church- or home-based small groups? Then you have the staff, volunteers, and systems in place to support discipleship in small groups.
Does your church support discipleship in the context of one-to-one settings such as mentoring or counseling? Then you can modify your content to work in the one-to-one setting.
The point is, use the organization you already have in place for your discipleship.
2. Look at where your church already has good attendee participation. Do your small groups or Sunday school classes have strong attendance? Then you’ll want to find some practical and biblical small-group materials for them to use on the topic of discipleship you want to offer. If worship services receive the highest attendance, then you’ll want to include messages about the content you want to deliver in your preaching.
Participation can go beyond the walls of the church as well. Are members active on social media? Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and other social media can be used to deliver bite-sized content for personal consumption. Take the content they need for improving their spiritual lives to where they already hang out.
Do you have struggling ministries? Are your classes not well attended? Look closely at the organization of your church and your attendee participation. How closely do your efforts match up? If they don’t, consider making adjustments that will increase the support of your church organization and the participation of attendees.
Surprised it’s that simple? These principles aren’t rocket science, but they are often overlooked.
In our blind, hurried rush through the Christmas holidays each year, many of us are much like small children who tear through a pile of wrapped gifts on Christmas morning. Once the frenzy is over, they sit on the floor surrounded by paper and boxes and toys … and cry because it’s all over. Is that all we get?
Christmas is a time of joy and frustration. A frenzy of preparations and merry-making, followed by weariness and even emptiness: Is that all we get?
Is this your year to make a change? To create a meaningful Christmas for you and your family, you may need to eliminate a couple of time-stealing activities and replace them with something more meaningful.
Here are some ideas:
1. Talk about the names of Christ.
There’s nothing more meaningful at Christmas than learning more about Jesus Christ, the Savior whose birth we celebrate. For He is so much more than a baby in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
In fact, Jesus is known by many other names in Scripture … and in the Christmas hymns we sing. He is the “King of kings,” the “Redeemer.”
2. Count down to Christmas
The kids are already counting down to Christmas, so use the opportunity to remind them of the story of Christ’s birth by creating your own Christmas countdown of short Scripture readings. Or print out the free FamilyLife Christmas Countdown—a paper chain countdown filled with simple family activities and passages from Luke. (Bonus: The kids can put it together themselves!)
3. A stocking for Jesus.
“We had the kids decorate a special stocking with the name of Jesus on it. We hung it up with the other stockings, but the gifts we placed inside were different—we put in objects, drawings, or notes that signified something we wanted to give to God in the coming year. We would think of a spiritual resolution we wanted to make—an area of growth, a commitment to using our spiritual gifts, tangible ways of loving people, etc.—and then think of a way to symbolize that resolution.
“Once we drew a watch, and wrote underneath the picture that we wanted our time to be under the Lordship of God, and we wanted to make Him a priority in our lives. Once we put a map of the world in the stocking, and we prayed as a family that we would be willing to go wherever God wanted us to serve Him.” (Idea from Lee and Karen Smith)
4. Share stories about how God has worked in your life.
Have you ever told your children the story of your salvation? How about your spouse? While the family is together during the holidays, use the time to share your personal stories about faith, redemption, and life change. Also, reflect on the previous year and talk about how you have grown in your faith individually and as a family. (From Sabrina McDonald)
5. Advent wreath.
“One of our favorite Christmas activities is utilizing the Advent wreath and an Advent devotional. When the children were old enough to light the candles, they took turns doing that. As they got older, they read the devotions. Eventually the kids became completely responsible for the Advent readings on some nights. There are a variety of Advent devotional books available these days. We had an Advent wreath in my family when I was growing up. I hope my sons will pass this tradition on in their families.” (From Elaine Crowell)
6. Three gifts.
“Before we had children, I noticed how so many parents tried to top their gift-giving from the previous year for their children. Once my husband and I had children we decided that they would get the same number of gifts that Jesus received—three. On Christmas Eve we read about the birth of Jesus and talked about the three gifts He was given. The following morning the three gifts for each child were under the tree and we again talked about the real meaning of Christmas.
“When the children were younger they really enjoyed knowing they got three gifts just like Jesus, and it became a great ongoing tradition. Doing this helped us avoid the trap of making each Christmas ‘bigger and better’ than the one before. It helped us point our children back to Jesus’ birthday and the Bible on Christmas morning.” (From Tracey Eyster)
7. Create a tree about Christ.
The Christmas tree is the focal point in most homes during the holiday season. So what if it pointed your family and visiting friends to Christ? Have older kids look up the different ways Christ is referred to in the Bible. (Examples: Redeemer, Messiah, Prince of Peace…) Then have the family make ornaments (on cardstock, unused Christmas cards, empty globe ornaments, etc.) using each name found. Discuss what each means and how it has been reflected in your own life.
How do you think Mary, a virgin, felt when she discovered that she was pregnant?
How do you think Joseph felt when he learned of Mary’s pregnancy?
Why did both Joseph and Mary have the courage to believe God and undoubtedly suffer ridicule from man?
Who did they (and you) turn to when life is not what they anticipated?
Why can we always trust God even when His ways are different from ours?
(From Mary Larmoyeux)
9. Other Christmas stories from Scripture.
Often we focus on Luke 2:1-20 during our Christmas celebrations. How about reading from some of the other Christmas narratives? For example:
The prophecies of Jesus’ birth in Isaiah 1:1; 6:1,8; 7:14; 9:6-7; and 11:1-5. Talk to your children about how these prophecies were fulfilled in Christ.
Mary’s visit to Elizabeth, her cousin (Luke 1:39-45). Both were carrying babies whose conceptions were a surprise. Note Mary’s strong faith in her response after Elizabeth recognizes that Mary is carrying the Son of God.
10. Announce the birth of a king.
After reading the story of Christ’s birth in Luke 2:1-20, family members can share how they would announce the birth of a king. Where would they arrange for the infant king to stay? (You could make paper horns for the children to use for their announcements.) Also, if it’s a clear night, go outside to look at the stars and ask your family how they think the shepherds felt when an angel and a bright light suddenly appeared.
Then talk about the way Baby Jesus entered the world more than 2,000 years ago. Be sure that the children understand that He was placed in a manger, which held food for livestock. Ask them why they think Jesus was born in a manger, and why there was no room for Him in the inn. Then read Revelation 11:15, “ …There were loud voices in heaven, saying, ‘The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ; and He will reign forever and ever.’” Talk about how Jesus will come again to reign and to rule as our King. (From Mary Larmoyeux)
“I’m not going to marry you if you’re not a Christian,” Jim told his longtime girlfriend, Nina. The couple had dated on and off throughout college, and then they reconnected during graduate school. They enjoyed each other’s company, but there was one major problem—Nina was a self-proclaimed atheist and Jim was raised in church.
Jim’s new conviction about who he should (or shouldn’t) marry stemmed from his relationship with his boss, a Christian who had begun unofficially mentoring the young Jim. He encouraged Jim to consider the long-term effects of his relationship with Nina, questioning their spiritual compatibility and asking questions like, “Do you know the purpose of marriage?”
Jim started to feel convicted over his relationship with an atheist, and he drew a line in the sand, refusing to marry Nina because of her beliefs. Not wanting to lose Jim, Nina says she “decided to give the whole ‘faith’ thing a try.” She started going to church with Jim, trying to figure out what all of it meant.
Already living together, Jim and Nina’s physical chemistry was strong. Even though Nina still wasn’t saved, they were soon engaged. “I’m really not sure why he decided to marry me. He probably shouldn’t have,” Nina says. “I was a career girl and he wanted five kids. We were just so different.”
“God has a plan for marriage, and that plan just makes sense.”
Before their wedding, Jim’s boss encouraged the couple to attend a Weekend to Remember®, FamilyLife’s three-day marriage enrichment event. “My boss told me about Matthew 7:24-27, where Jesus says that a wise man builds his house on the rock. He explained that we needed to build our marriage on the foundation of Jesus Christ,” Jim says.
The weekend made an impression on Jim and Nina. “It solidified my faith in the Bible, seeing how God has a plan for marriage, and that plan just makes sense,” Jim says. The speakers talked about how the world’s plan for marriage is 50/50—each does his equal part. But God’s plan for marriage is 100/100—each person gives all that they have without keeping score. “The world says everyone needs to give equal part, but we get caught up in selfishness,” Jim says. “Love doesn’t keep track.”
The concepts for Nina were just as new and inspiring. For example, she had never heard that sex was something that was beautiful and honorable. She also learned that sexual intimacy in marriage was a bonding experience between husband and wife, designed to solidify a promise. “That first conference made physical intimacy something important instead of taking it for granted,” Nina says. “For the first time I heard that we honored God by honoring each other.”
Nina was impacted by the story of the woman at the well, how Jesus told the woman, “You’ve had five husbands.”
“She needed to be healed of her baggage,” Nina says, “and so did I.” She and Jim decided to stop sleeping together until they were married. And as a result, Nina says, “It gave us a whole new level of respect for each other.”
But the event did more for Jim and Nina than just purify their relationship. At the end of the weekend, the couple stood up to give their lives to Christ. Nina and Jim walked with a group of people to the back of the room where event staff were waiting to talk to them about their new faith. “The woman I talked to was really excited for me. That was new,” Nina says. The worker recommended some books that encouraged Nina to keep moving forward in her faith.
“We didn’t have the same goals in life.”
After they were married, the couple started representing FamilyLife to their church, putting up posters to promote the Weekend to Remember getaways and shipping brochures and other materials to churches in their area. They also helped teach HomeBuilders, FamilyLife’s small group Bible studies for marriage and family (now called The Art of Marriage® Connect Series).
But after about four years of marriage, the newlywed high wore off, and Jim and Nina’s differences in their decisions about family began to show. “We just didn’t have the same goals in life,” Nina says.
They went to another Weekend to Remember getaway during the midst of their struggle. At one point, the men and women split and went into two different rooms. “This beautiful girl began to talk about what a privilege it was to have a career in motherhood,” Nina says. That was the first time she had ever heard such a concept, and it was quite challenging to her.
Nina and Jim returned to their hotel room, and Nina stood in the bathroom looking down at her birth control pills, contemplating all she heard in the women’s session of the conference. “Do you remember how you want five kids and I don’t?” Nina said to her husband, Jim. “I think God wants us to have kids.” And she threw her birth control pills away, right there in the bathroom of the hotel room.
Now, 25 years married, and three beautiful children later, Nina is so thankful for the leading of the Spirit in that moment. The Roesners have even branched out into their own marriage ministry called Greater Impact Ministries. Nina is the author of The Respect Dare and co-author of With All Due Respect, helping women have better, godlier marriages.
“We aren’t learning about how marriage works in the media.”
Nina and Jim continue to use and endorse FamilyLife materials through their ministry and their church. “We promote it like crazy,” Nina says. They give Weekend to Remember gift certificates for wedding gifts.
Both Jim and Nina agree that any married couple should go to the Weekend to Remember getaway. Jim would especially encourage pre-married and newlywed couples to attend, so they can learn what really works in marriage like they did—”especially those seekers who are curious about God,” Jim says. “We aren’t learning about how marriage works in the media, and FamilyLife does a good job of presenting God’s plan for marriage in a non-threatening way.” Jim and Nina have certainly benefited from the event, and as a result countless others have been touched by their ministry and their testimony.
At FamilyLife, we love to tell how God works through ordinary people to changes lives for eternity. And we’re so encouraged by the men and women who link arms with us to strengthen families in their sphere of influence. We call them HomeBuilders.
We hope that you will be inspired as you read the following stories about HomeBuilders who are making a difference. These men and women are changing the world, one home at a time, as they use the following FamilyLife resources:
Helping Those Who Hurt Through FamilyLife eMentoring, God is using me to connect with people who need hope, encouragement, and a biblically-based perspective.
Global Outreach
We Started by Checking a Box We never realized what God had in store for us when we volunteered to help reach families.
On the Brink of Failure Divorce wasn’t an option for either of us, but we didn’t want to spend the rest of our married lives just tolerating each other.
We Started by Checking a Box We never realized what God had in store for us when we volunteered to help reach families.
Helping Couples Thrive During Deployment Through a new HomeBuilders study, we want to help military couples who are facing deployment learn to rely on God’s power through their separation.
Helping Military Marriages A partnership between FamilyLife and Campus Crusade’s Military Ministry is affecting families around the world
There are times in life when we have to decide what we really believe. Days when convictions are tested. Moments when rhetoric can become proven truth. After being married for 19 years, Marc and Lisa Lavalas faced perhaps the most difficult time of their marriage. And it happened, of all places, at a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway.
It was the fourth getaway the Lavalases had attended, and by now they were serving on the Weekend to Remember volunteer team. What Lisa didn’t know was that Marc had struggled for years about whether to tell her about a past sin. He often asked God if he should come clean. He feared his confession could destroy their marriage.
Lisa meant everything to Marc. “She’s beautiful on the outside and she is beautiful on the inside,” he says. How could he expose the hurtful truth to her?
The Lavalases laughed and dreamed together. To Lisa, her husband helped her pull away from the pressures of life to “smell the roses.” Yet despite their happy marriage, they never reached the level of heart-to-heart intimacy Lisa longed for.
There just seemed to be some kind of invisible barrier between them, and she couldn’t break through it.
Newlywed tensions
Marc and Lisa were good friends in college but lost touch after graduation. By the time they saw each other by chance in a bookstore, she had already divorced her first husband because of his infidelity, and she had a 1-year-old son, Gregory.
It wasn’t long before Marc and Lisa started dating. She changed Marc’s world. Until then he had lived a playboy lifestyle. But there was something different about Lisa. He was attracted to her love for Jesus Christ and to her devotion to Gregory. She was just the kind of woman he wanted to marry.
When they married in 1994, they were determined to put the past in the past, with Christ’s help. And they were excited about their future together, believing better days were ahead.
Yet problems began soon after they said, “I do.” With a young son, it was difficult for the newlyweds to even be alone. “All of a sudden we are not just a couple,” Marc says, “but a threesome.”
Marc often felt that Gregory took first place in Lisa’s life. And sometimes Lisa felt as if her husband cared more about his job responsibilities than her needs. Like the time she went to her uncle’s out-of-town funeral by herself because Marc had to work.
Over the next few years, with the birth of two daughters, the threesome turned to four and then five. Lisa poured her life into the children. Like most young couples, they were probably too busy.
They still laughed a lot and enjoyed being together. “But I never got to the level of intimacy that I wanted to get with Marc,” Lisa says. She felt there was always a barrier between them.
A life-changing getaway
Perhaps that’s why she listened with interest when a friend at church mentioned a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. After hearing a radio ad saying the getaway was coming to Columbus, Ohio, Marc and Lisa decided to give it a try. That decision was life-changing.
They learned so much at the getaway. They discovered marriage is really God’s idea. That the relationship between a husband and wife should mirror His character. And Lisa realized that her priorities were not in order. That God wanted her to put Marc before her children.
Despite all they learned, Lisa still knew something was blocking Marc from her. And after hearing the speakers talk about intimacy, Marc knew exactly what it was. But he was not ready to tell Lisa. He just pushed it aside.
He and Lisa were excited about the Weekend to Remember and wanted to tell others about it. So they joined the Columbus volunteer team to help promote the getaway the following year, and the next, and then the next.
Midway through their fourth getaway, in 2012, Lisa and Marc were in their hotel room, dressing for a romantic dinner. They were chatting back and forth, trying to finish a few questions for one of the event projects.
The old doubt that Lisa had felt so many times resurfaced. “Marc, is something holding you back from me?” For years she had thought that she must be doing something he didn’t like. Perhaps she had an annoying habit.
But that night his answer was different. Marc finally came clean.
He told Lisa about an adulterous affair that happened during the first year of their marriage … when Lisa went to her uncle’s funeral. For 18 years he had stuffed his shame and guilt, asking God if it was something he needed to confess. “And it was really the Lord who allowed me to finally share it,” he remembers.
“How could this have happened?”
A broken man, coming clean was incredibly painful for Marc. He did not want to lose Lisa.
Lisa’s world crumbled with his confession. “I remember feeling like I had been knocked out,” she says. “I was in a fog for quite some time, walking through life but not really experiencing life.”
She told herself she shouldn’t be so upset—the affair was years ago. Yet she could not deny Marc’s absolute betrayal. She thought of when she had divorced her first husband because of his infidelity. How could this happen again?
But there was a difference now. During their years as Weekend to Remember volunteers, she had heard many stories of transformed marriages. She knew that God could heal theirs—if they would let Him.
The next day they took their first step toward healing. They visited the Weekend to Remember resource center and bought the book Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs. At first Lisa told Marc, “I don’t want to read the book. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to deal with it.”
But she knew she would never move on until the matter was settled in her heart. She had to let go of the dream marriage that she thought they had. “I had to deal with the reality of what our marriage actually was at that moment,” she says.
Over the next few months, the Lavalases read through Torn Asunder, completed the exercises together, and asked God to heal their marriage. “I started talking to God,” Lisa says, “and wrote out my feelings, anger, and frustrations.” And sometimes writing wasn’t enough and she would lash out at her husband.
Marc simply listened. He did not argue when she threw verbal darts at him. He didn’t want her to stuff her pain and create a haunting memory that would poison their relationship forever. From his standpoint, Lisa had every right to say, “I’m finished, I’m leaving you.”
Finally letting go
Lisa remembers one Saturday when she wrote all day, pouring out her intense grief. She told God that what was happening to her wasn’t fair. How was she supposed to get past this? How could she forgive Marc?
And then it was as though she heard the voice of God reminding her, “Lisa, I forgave you … Lisa, no matter what you are going through, I am here with you.”
After two years, Lisa knew that God was telling her the time had come to let go of all of the heartache. So she wrote Marc a letter and told him that the pain from the affair was over. She promised not to bring it up again.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he read her words, “I was so thankful,” he says, “because I recognized that God had done a magnificent work in both of us to be able to come back from something like that.”
Looking back
There are crossroads in life when you come face to face with a painful reality. There are painful situations when it’s far easier to make cheap statements of God’s supernatural love and care than to give Him your crushed dreams.
And then there are those deep, dark valleys when you have to answer a life-defining question: Will you trust the Designer of your life to do the impossible?
Back in 2012, Marc and Lisa Lavalas were in one of those deep valleys. And together they stepped out in faith and trusted God. They believed He would do the impossible and heal their broken marriage.
Today Marc and Lisa enjoy so many of the same things—taking walks in the park, going to a beach. And sometimes the two of them will sit outside together and laugh and dream about their future.
There is no longer an invisible barrier between them. They are a living testimony to the transforming power of forgiveness and grace.
An old story told from the island of Kiniwata relates the account of a man known as Johnny Lingo. The youngest and strongest man from the island, Johnny shocked the islanders by paying the father of his bride not the traditional two to three cows for his wife, or even the four to five cows for an exceptional wife. For Sarita, he paid eight. No one could understand: “It would be kindness to call her plain. She was skinny. She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow.” Eight cows!? The entire island laughed at the audacity.
Curious about the story, writer Patricia McGerr visited Johnny’s home. She was fascinated by what she describes as the most beautiful woman she’d ever seen. She wrote about this in a Woman’s Day article, “Johnny Lingo and the Eight Cow Wife”: “The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a pride to which no one could deny her the right.”
When McGerr later pressed Johnny Lingo for his reasoning, he explained, “Many things can change a woman. Things that happen inside, things that happen outside. But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands … I wanted an eight-cow wife.”
Now, for obvious reasons, please do not immediately tell your beloved, “Hon, you’re an eight-cow wife.” But remember that, at least in part, a man’s impact may be measured in the joy and character of the people closest to him.
The way that a man sees his wife, the way he cherishes her, has a lasting effect on her beauty within and without. How does your wife feel about you and your relationship to her? How do you want your children to remember your acts of love for their mother?
The way that a man sees his wife has a lasting effect on her beauty within and without.
Here are 50 ideas to get you started toward inspiring an eight-cow wife.
1. Be a student of her. Where do her passions, gifting, and abilities lie? What energizes her? When does she lose track of time because she’s enjoying herself so much? What weights does she bear? (Can you learn incredible things about this woman that even she doesn’t know?)
2. Ask God for special wisdom in understanding your wife and in loving her well (James 1:5-6).
3. Make a list of 30 things that you love and/or appreciate about her. Write them on separate sticky notes, and leave one somewhere in the house every day for an entire month.
4. For what ministry has God created your wife in order to build up His people? Give her time and energy to pursue it.
5. Take care of the kids for a day so that she can have a personal spiritual retreat to recharge.
6. Listen to her sincerely: Observe her words, body language, and circumstances in order to compassionately understand her. Make eye contact with her, and ask thoughtful questions, like “How did that affect you?” or basic who/what/where/when/why/how questions.
7. If she’s got a budding hobby or one that’s been neglected, purchase something small but high-quality that she would enjoy: quality paintbrushes, a beautiful journal, photo software, a top-notch cooking knife, new gloves, athletic equipment (ahem … only if she loves athletics), a well-recommended book on her hobby. Include a note: Just because I love the way you’re made.
8. Pray with her, and for her, on a regular basis. Consider making it a regular item in your schedule, such as before you leave for work or go to bed.
9. Compile a CD with songs that specifically encourage things you love about her. Let her know that you intentionally chose these for her and about her.
10. When circumstances, conversation, or even movies or songs bring up an area in which she excels, lean over and whisper, “You know, you do that so well. I love how you use ___ to bless the people around you.”
11. Identify the “life-suckers” in her life. What saps her energy? Consider the points of friction that she often faces in her daily routines. Prayerfully ask God to help you see not only what weighs on her, but also how you could help her. Initiate conversation to compassionately find solutions with her. Ask, “What could be done to make that less painful (or less difficult)?”
12. Gently encourage your children to thank her for different ways she serves them: When they have clean laundry, when she serves dinner, when she drops them off at school. (Make sure you’re modeling consistent gratitude for little things, too.)
13. Identify your wife’s “love language”—what makes her feel loved and valued. Is it words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time, or acts of service? She may have more than one. Become fluent in each of her “languages.”
14. What pleasures in your life do you enjoy that your wife isn’t able to enjoy? She might not be into fishing like you are, for example, but maybe she’d like her own version of alone time. Like you, she might be honored by accolades for her projects well-done, a chance to finish a conversation, or sleeping in on a Saturday.
15. Allow your wife to set your standard of beauty, and make it clear to her that she is secure: Your eyes are only for her. Enlist the help of a trusted friend or pastor and accountability websites like x3watch.com to develop monogamous eyes that come from a monogamous heart … and a husband she can trust. Security gives way to confidence.
16. Talk through your budget together with her. Make sure you both have the resources you need to care for your family well. If you primarily manage the budget, ask her to make at least one change before finalizing it. Esteem wise financial decisions she’s made.
17. Be a student of her body. Ask her, both while you’re in bed and at a completely separate private time, how you can please her sexually and make her feel secure and beautiful. Seek tenderly to understand her past and how it affects her in the bedroom. Be prepared to humbly accept what she says, embracing her without defensiveness.
18. Gently protect her. Lovingly help her set boundaries with her time, energy, resources, and relationships (kids and mothers-in-law included).
19. Give her a massage—one that doesn’t lead to sex, unless she’s clear that making love is what she would enjoy most.
20. Send her an e-mail. Example: “Praying for you today. Thanks for being so courageous in ___.”
21. Give her one night on a regular basis to do something she loves. Occasionally surprise her with an afternoon “off” so she can do something fun or just be alone.
22. Consistently mention ways you see her growing to be more like Christ.
23. Ask her about her “bucket list”—the top things she’d like to do in her lifetime.
24. Give her a book or audio CD to learn about something she loves doing.
25. Text her on a stressful day. Example: “REMINDER: I BELIEVE IN U.”
26. Leave a message on her voicemail: “Thanks for serving our family every day. You are so good at ___.”
27. Be proactive about doing something together that she really enjoys. Make a date, get her excited, and share her enthusiasm!
28. Ask her, “If there were one thing I could do to love you better, to really cherish you—and you knew I would listen—what would it be?” Be prepared to follow through.
29. Tell her areas she’s gifted in. Don’t stretch the truth: Be honest so she can trust you.
30. Talk with her about setting aside a small part of the budget to pursue the unique ways God has designed her (including her gifts, abilities, and passions)—through education or through sheer enjoyment.
31. Post on her Facebook wall: “I love being your husband. You still take my breath away.”
32. Have your children write her notes or letters about what they love about her as a mom.
33. Ask, “If I could do one thing that would really empower you and inspire you, what would it be?” Listen and follow through.
34. As you think of them, remind her of specific times when she has made an impact in the lives of others. “Hey, I was thinking the other day about all the times you’ve invested in all those kids who come over here. You do such a good job making people feel welcomed and loved on.” “I don’t think I could count all the meals you’ve brought to people who are sick. You are wonderful at seeing people’s needs and giving of yourself to them.”
35. Do something fun and unexpected together. Here are a few ideas: play paintball, laser tag, or sand volleyball; organize a picnic and bring the books you’re reading; take photos of each other; play a pickup game of a sport together; go to a drive-in movie, bringing popcorn and her favorite candy (let her initiate any physical advances for this one).
36. Think about a way you’ve been hurting her or annoying her. Maybe there are ways you’re not “seeing” her—not stepping into her world to understand what it’s like to be her, with all of the things she cares about (see 1 Peter 3:7). Apologize, and work hard at showing true change.
37. Find a mutually enjoyable activity you like doing together on a regular basis, even if it’s working outside together or playing the Wii together after the kids are in bed.
38. Create a fun, life-giving atmosphere when you come home.
39. Design a date night that will help her to de-stress and have fun. (Dare I suggest ballroom dancing lessons?)
40. What’s difficult about her life right now? Pray for her endurance, and encourage her specifically. Galatians 6:9 is a great start for both. Think, What can I do to ease the load she’s carrying today?
41. Organize or clean something of yours that you know she finds messy.
42. Talk with her about her fears—both deep and insignificant. Over time, lead her as you work together to replace those fears with faith in God as expressed in His Word.
43. Send a snail-mail love note to her at home, affirming all she does for your family.
44. Think of something on her to-do list that she finds overwhelming or for which she doesn’t have much time. Talk with her (respectfully and gently) about the possibility of having it hired out (maybe you could pay a responsible high school student to log a few hours on housework). Communicate clearly that it’s not because you find her incompetent, but that you want to free her up from a burden.
45. If your wife likes to dress nicely, go with her to shop for clothes in which she feels confident and looks fantastic.
46. Be an advocate for her rest. Gently help her to evaluate and set limits on her to-do list, reminding her that she loves others best when she takes time to replenish.
47. Let her overhear you speaking well of her on the phone—among friends, to your kids, in public places, and to your mother. Tenderly but firmly keep family members from speaking disrespectfully to her or about her.
48. In her area of weakness, pray about how to subtly, gently step in and help her.
49. Request, “I’d like you to think about something for me. I’d like you to tell me one area in which you want to challenge me, but you wonder if I will listen and if I’ll receive it well. If you’ll do that, I commit to listen to you without getting defensive or somehow punishing you for telling me.”
50. If and when she messes up, respond with the kind of grace, compassion, and mercy that God gives us. Respond in a way that communicates, You’re safe with me—and I’m not going to rehash your failures. This is a secure place for you to grow … and I love the journey with you.
One final note: Maybe you are a man who initiates many kindnesses to your wife and you don’t receive much respect or kindness in return. Or perhaps you’re a woman reading this under the burden of a husband who doesn’t serve you or protect you or cherish you. May you be gently, compassionately encouraged: Giving without mutual gain puts you in good company—the company of Jesus. May God give you significant grace as you pray for your husband and encounter the nitty-gritty, everyday battles against resentment and, in many cases, injustice. Our God is the God who sees (Genesis 21:15-21).
Politics tend to stir emotions more than just about any subject. They bring out the best in us, and also the worst. Like religion, politics can be polarizing and divisive, something we avoid at the dinner table.
An election season is an opportunity for Christians to stand out as a thoughtful, fair-minded, and loving minority. To the degree that believers in Jesus can align with Jesus’ approach to politics, the world will take notice. More important, the world will become a better place.
So then, what do the politics of Jesus look like?
Only one true King
A band of secular and religious leaders try to trick Jesus with a question. “Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?” they ask. Then they hand him a coin.
The inscription on the coin says, “Tiberius King, Son of the God Augustus Maximus, High Priest.” With this inscription, the Roman Emperor is claiming deity, and thus absolute authority, over all the people in the empire. Rome was a totalitarian regime in which defectors—those who would not bow to the sovereign lordship of the State—would be executed on a cross.
Jesus gives an unexpected answer. He holds up the coin and asks, “Whose image is on this coin?”
“Caesar’s,” they reply.
“Well then, give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and to God what belongs to God.”
In other words, the coin is imprinted with Caesar’s image, so the coin belongs to him. But you—all of you—are imprinted with God’s image, so you belong to God. The coin is Caesar’s, so give the coin up to him. You are God’s so give yourselves up to God.
How brilliant. Not only does Jesus blunt the trap they set for Him, but He establishes the proper ordering of things when it comes to kings and kingdoms.
On the one hand, the citizens of God’s kingdom must endeavor to be the very best and most exemplary citizens of earthly kingdoms. Even power-hungry leaders like Caesar should feel the positive ripple effect of Christian love toward people and places. However, none but God is entitled to absolute, unfettered loyalty. God alone is King, and His kingdom is not of this world. When God’s kingdom and earthly kingdoms collide, render yourselves unto God … and only to God.
Partisan caricatures
If ever there was a partisan crowd in the Bible, it was the crowds of Mark 15—that famous chapter in which Pilate, so it appears, is entrusted with Jesus’ fate. Here we find the crowds begging Pilate to release Barabbas, a political zealot, a murderer, and a purveyor of chaos. In his stead, they demand execution for Jesus. Jesus, who has been doing everything that a true revolutionary should—feeding the hungry, healing the sick, sheltering the poor—must die.
“Crucify Him!” shouts the partisan crowd. Barabbas, the man of violence, is embraced as a freedom fighter. Jesus, the man of peace, is caricatured and crucified as an enemy of the state.
This is what partisans do. Partisans exaggerate the best features of their side and the worst features, real or contrived, of the opposing side. They minimize and overlook the weaknesses of their side, while dismissing the best features of the opposing side.
It’s discouraging how easily we Christians can get drawn in to partisan melodrama. How easy it is to participate in the politics of spin and caricature—ready and willing to tell half-truths to promote our candidates and tell more half-truths to demonize our opponents. Bearing false testimony is always unbecoming of a follower of Jesus.
John Wesley once wrote the following during a heated political season:
For people who will vote, I urge them to vote for those they judge most worthy, and to speak no evil against the person they voted against, and to take care that their spirits are not sharpened against people who voted on the other side.
Yes, John Wesley, yes.
Political platforms and “Christian values”
We must recognize that the Bible does not endorse one particular platform over another. Some may argue that their party supports “Christian values” and the other party does not. Both the “Christian left” and the “Christian right” make this claim in every election cycle.
But this raises the question, whose Christian values? Which Christian values are we talking about? Are we talking about justice and protection for the unborn? Or are we talking about justice and protection for the poor? The right to hold private property? Or our obligation to care for foreigners and aliens in our midst? Are we promoting the value of an environment in which every able-bodied person has the opportunity and obligation to earn his/her own keep? Or an environment in which just wages, equal pay for equal work, and basic human rights are guaranteed for all people everywhere?
According to the Bible, these are all “Christian” values derived not only from common sense, but from the sacred Scriptures themselves. It is indisputable that both parties—yes, both—will emphasize some of these biblical ideals, but not all of them. It is also indisputable that both parties—yes, both—fail to honor the full range of truth, justice, and freedom that the Scriptures call for in a Kingdom that is truly “from heaven.”
To equate left-leaning or right-leaning politics with Christianity fails to honor the biblical teaching. Jesus has affirmations as well as sharp critiques for both platforms. As for government itself, God created it. Therefore, government itself is a good and needed thing. Still, the kingdom of God is not, and was never intended to be, of this world. In this world and for this world, yes; of this world, no.
The point is this: Under Jesus, political loyalties lose their intimacy. People who disagree with each other politically can also enjoy friendship and common ground as they identify first and foremost as followers of Jesus. Whenever this happens, worldly methods like caricature, spin, and partisan absolutism fade from their politics.
The only true world-changing kingdom
The key to changing the world is not first and foremost having a Republican in power. Neither is it having a Democrat in power.
Yes, government is important. God designed it. God often chooses to make good things happen through government, just as He does through business, the arts, healthcare, academics, the family, and other spheres of influence. When government is at its best, human society enjoys greater flourishing and peace. But government is not, and it was never meant to be, the answer to all the world’s problems. “Seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness.”
By the third century A.D., in spite of a government that stood against religious freedom, Roman society had been transformed for the better, and Christians played a huge part in this.
Christians led the way in insisting that women share equal dignity with men. They took up the cause for orphans, adopting and caring for unwanted and vulnerable children. Among Christians, the sick and the poor were treated with dignity and special honor—including those who were not Christians. Roman society took notice, and within three generations Rome was transformed. People ceased to look to Rome as the ultimate solution to society’s problems. Instead, they looked to the followers of Jesus and their radical, everyday, self-donating love.
The world changes and the kingdom of God advances as the people of God “season” and penetrate their neighborhoods, communities, places of work, and cities with neighbor-love, with joy in their hearts because Jesus has done the same for them. The world also changes as Christians partner with their non-Christian neighbors, colleagues, and friends in seeking to make the world a better place. Whether Christian or not, as long as there are people working for the common good, we can (and should) lock arms with them.
In this, we become supporters, not subjects, of our government. This is how God designed it to be. This is the biblical ideal.
Jesus gains power by surrendering power
Put Barabbas to death and it ends his revolution.
Put Jesus to death and it launches his.
As the crowds panicked and grasped for power, Jesus sat quietly and non-defensively, resolved and ready to die as He awaited His unjust sentence from the Roman state.
Panic and grasping for power is the way of the world.
Remaining calm, loving, and non-defensive, no matter what the political outcomes, is the way of Jesus—and of His followers who have their kingdoms rightly ordered. “Do not fear, little flock, for I am with you,” says the King. Do not rejoice when you find yourselves in temporary positions of power and influence, Jesus says, “but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” (Luke 12:32, 10:20).
Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s. Render to God what is God’s.
A way forward
So then, as we in the United States anticipate the election of a new leader, perhaps we can take a step back and remember a few things.
First, the shoulders of a president are too small to carry a government. Remember that the government is already resting on the shoulders of the Prince of peace. His kingdom is already here, of the increase of His government there will be no end.
Second, the kingdom of God is above this world, and is not of this world. God plays by a different set of rules. His ways are often contrary to ours—and always higher than ours.
Third, Pilate (and, as the case may be, an American president) would have no authority had it not first been given to him by God. The American public will vote as it does because God, in the mystery of His providence, has already cast the deciding vote.
Fourth, the heart of every king and ruler is in the hands of God.
Fifth, believing people need to be praying for, honoring, speaking well of, and submitting to their leaders.
Sixth, let’s remember that, with very few if any exceptions, Christianity has advanced and flourished most when the state was against Christianity, and it has languished and suffered most when the state was for Christianity.
So then, if you are devastated or irate over the outcome of a presidential election, relax. We only need, and already have, one Messiah, and He did not lose this election.
If you are ecstatic about an election outcome, relax. Take inventory. We only need, and already have, one Messiah, and He did not win this election.
Last week, while beginning yet another journey through the Scripture, as a recent bride I found myself reading the account of Adam’s and Eve’s nuptials with fresh eyes.
I’ve read it perhaps hundreds of times before—God fashions a woman from and for the man, then personally officiates at their wedding, thus instituting the first marriage. The groom wholeheartedly, enthusiastically receives this bride and their union as a wondrous gift from their Maker. The creation narrative ends with a commentary on marriage as God ordained it to be.
Take a moment to read it again—as if for the first time, as if newly in love, with wonderment.
Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” . . .
So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:18–25)
Stunningly good
This is the capstone of creation. Anticipation fulfilled (“at last”), companionship, oneness, recognition of value, celebration of difference, cherishing, honor, holding fast, intimacy, unbridled passion. Nakedness, vulnerability, transparency. And complete, utter freedom from shame.
It is all stunningly good, beautiful, pure, and right. And they all lived happily ever after. The End.
Oh, that it were so.
Next verse: Now the serpent… (Genesis 3:1).
That phrase jolted me in my reading. So abrupt. So disruptive, falling as it does in the midst of such ecstasy. I ended up parked in this passage for the next several hours, meditating on the progression, contemplating its implications for my own life and marriage.
God had acted magnificently and magnanimously on the stage of history. The God who eternally existed in relationship with the Son and the Spirit had lovingly fashioned one indissoluble union of two distinct, complementary beings. A union designed in His infinite wisdom to reveal the oneness of the Godhead. A union intended in time to tell the redemptive story, even before there was any need for redemption.
A sinister shadow
Suddenly, over this spectacular sunlit scene, there falls a sinister shadow.
The serpent. More crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made (Genesis 3:1).
Without invitation or warning, but with wily intention, the crafty creature slithers into the newlywed bliss.
A speaking serpent.
Apparently ignoring (or avoiding) the man, he singles out the woman. Separates her from the man in whose heart and embrace she has been tightly held. Ripping apart limbs, veins, and sinews God has knit together.
He said to the woman, “Did God actually say…?” (Genesis 3:1).
A solitary seed of doubt is sown in the woman’s mind, as the deceiver disputes the word of his Sovereign and hers. A seed that will quickly take root, giving birth to disillusionment and disobedience, bringing forth a bumper crop of destruction. Destruction of the bride’s tender heart, her marital euphoria, her children yet-to-be-born, the entire human race.
In the span of just one chapter (page 2 in my Bible), intimacy is broken, fear replaces trust, blessing turns to curses, vulnerability is exchanged for hiding. And shame wraps itself like a foul blanket around the couple once covered with the glory of God.
A serpent in pursuit
I landed in this passage seven weeks to the day after my marriage to Robert Wolgemuth. We are still very much newlyweds. Very much in love. Still amazed at what God has brought to pass. Still in awe of the gift God has given us in each other. Still enthralled by and exploring the wonder of what it is to be “one flesh.”
And already aware of the presence of the serpent in our marriage. An intruder who knows better than most what God intends for our marriage to be—one who despises the One who joined us together and hates the story our marriage is meant to tell.
This villain, disguised in a cloak of light, posturing as a voice of reason and rightness, comes to me in unguarded moments. He comes to us in the sweet garden of our newfound love and plants in the soil of my mind seeds of doubt about things God has revealed to be true; conjures up fears that my Creator may not have my best interests at heart; beckons me to exalt my will over God’s, to imagine that my way is superior to His, and to strike out independently of my God and my groom.
I recognize the serpent’s subtle but nefarious influence …
… when being heard and understood matters more to me than listening and being understanding
… when being proven right is of greater concern to me than being humble
… when I assume the best about myself and less than the best about my precious Adam
… when I magnify my husband’s shortcomings in my mind, while making allowances for (or being oblivious to) my own
… when I fancy being the kind of wife I have often challenged others to be, apart from a daily, moment-by-moment infusion of His supernatural, enabling grace
… when my needs and plans and priorities feel more pressing to me than those of my husband
… when being seen and known feels scary and confining
… when working at two-becoming-one seems like more effort than I want to give at the moment
… when I try to control my man or the outcome of a conversation or decision
… when I wrest the staff from my shepherd’s hands
Genesis 3 reminds me that none of this should come as a surprise—that I am not the first bride to hear and to heed the serpent’s siren, that his tactics were first tried on newlyweds, that he aims to separate what God has joined together.
It reminds me that pain and alienation and broken promises are the fruit of trusting the serpent rather than the One who made and married my mate and me.
Grace in pursuit
It also reminds me that no sooner had that first bride succumbed to the serpent’s sound than another seed was sown—sown by a God who pursued the wandering woman’s heart with infinite mercy and grace, the seed of the gospel, of promises made and kept, promises of a bruised Seed who would one day rise up to crush the serpent’s head.
It reminds me that my hope and the well-being of our marriage do not rest in my husband’s strength or mine, or in our determined efforts to do this well. Our hope is in that holy Seed, wounded for us, who took our shame as His own, gave Himself up for us, and clothed our nakedness with garments of His own righteousness, acquired by the shedding of His blood.
This Savior will enable us to hold fast to one another, to love each other deeply, selflessly, and faithfully, to live as one flesh, to humbly, joyfully fulfill our God-given responsibilities in this marriage, to escape the serpent’s entreaties, to walk together in the light with our Maker, to be forgiven when we fall, and to join Him in overcoming the serpent’s evil designs.
We—my new husband and I—cling to our Savior’s promise that one Day we will experience the full blessings of the new creation, we will be part of a holy, redeemed bride at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb, and we will reign with Him in Paradise. Forever.
Before Tim and Teena Hoover walked down the aisle in their 1984 wedding, Tim’s parents told him, “Don’t even put divorce in your vocabulary.” But their marriage didn’t get off to a very good start that day. As Teena says, “He was stoned and I was slightly intoxicated.”
They were young (Tim was 21 and Teena 18), and they had only two sessions of premarital counseling before their wedding. They weren’t prepared to build a solid marriage.
At the time they were working different shifts, and they only saw each other on weekends. Before long, Teena realized that Tim was not meeting her need for male companionship. So she sought it elsewhere.
“We were not married even a year before I started having an affair,” Teena says. When Tim found out, he left his bride and moved more than 100 miles away to work for his brother.
And about six months later he began seeing another woman. As Teena recalls, “I was anorexic. I was doing a lot of cocaine and was bulimic. Tim was doing drugs … we had a lot of issues going on.”
Choosing each other
After they had been separated for about 18 months, Teena received an unexpected call from her husband. He said they could not continue living as separated spouses. He wanted to move on with his life, and he said she had a choice: either get back together as husband and wife and live under the same roof, or get a divorce. “This week I need to know if we are going to get divorced or not,” he told her.
After some thought, Teena decided to give their marriage one last chance. “Get down here!” she told Tim. And he did just that.
He and Teena stopped their sexual affairs after they got back together. But they continued to be involved with drugs and alcohol. It wasn’t long until their relationship seemed doomed.
After being together again for less than a year, Teena spoke to a divorce attorney. It was now her turn to issue an ultimatum. She told Tim, “Choose alcohol or me.” Tim was speechless. He told Teena that he would have to think about it.
Tim loved his wife, but he also loved alcohol. And he felt powerless to end his love affair with the bottle. “I was not happy at all about giving up alcohol,” Tim says. “It had a stronghold on me.”
Two days later, Tim gave Teena his answer: He chose his bride.
“Where do you go to church?”
Tim and Teena wanted to make their relationship work, but they didn’t know how. They were both raised in church and knew something was missing in their lives. So when they saw a couple praying in the pizza parlor where they were eating, Teena walked up to them and asked, “Where do you go to church?”
The next day, while walking through a mall, the Hoovers picked up a gospel tract. They were amazed that it was from the same church and decided to give it a try. The first time they visited it, they saw some brochures for FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway scattered on a table. They picked one up.
They had already tried one-on-one counseling for their marriage; it didn’t work. Although they didn’t think there was any hope for their marriage, they decided to go to a Weekend to Remember.
Not knowing what to expect, Tim was understandably nervous when he walked into a hotel ballroom filled with 500 people. “I was afraid that I was going to have to spill my guts and tell people about things,” he says.
Tim says a message on the opening night of the event “opened up a lot of really bad wounds that were already festering.” But it also gave them hope because the speakers shared stories about isolation in their own relationship.
Teena says the message struck home so much that it seemed like someone had told the speakers about her marriage. At that time the Hoovers thought everyone else in the ballroom had life all together. They did not realize that most of the couples in the ballroom had their own struggles.
The next morning, during a presentation of the gospel, the Hoovers began to understand their real problem. Quietly, without telling each other, both Tim and Teena gave control of their lives to Jesus Christ. And this relationship with Him changed their lives and their marriage.
That weekend they prayed together for the first time. “That was huge for us,” Teena says. “It was like someone had turned on a defroster in my heart.”
When Tim and Teena left the Weekend to Remember getaway they were different people. They had a blueprint for their marriage and a belief that, with Christ, they could make it work.
Releasing guilt
Teena describes that first marriage getaway as the initial step on a five-year road of healing. It began with accepting the payment Jesus Christ had made for their sins and then forgiving one another. It was actually easier for Teena to forgive Tim than it was for her to forgive herself. “Especially for me with the abortion,” she says.
She finally was able to release her guilt when her mother said she was putting herself above Christ when she would not forgive herself. That made sense to Teena.
The next year, Tim and Teena went to their second marriage getaway. That’s when her heart began to warm up to the thought of having children.
Before the Hoovers married, they had aborted their first child. Teena disliked children. In the early years of her marriage, she would even ask for the “smoking, no children” section when she went into a restaurant.
Her feelings began to change through one of the getaway speakers, Joy Downs, who talked about the importance of multiplying a godly heritage. By the end of their second Weekend to Remember, Teena wanted to have children.
The Hoovers continued to work on improving their marriage by going to a Weekend to Remember every year. And they also became church representatives for the getaway. Why? Because they wanted to help others.
Eventually, the Hoovers became Weekend to Remember directors in South Florida, a volunteer position they filled for 10 years. And in 2002, Tim and Teena joined the full-time missionary staff of FamilyLife. They wanted to dedicate their lives to giving the same hope to others that they received at that first Weekend to Remember. Tim is now a planner for getaways and Teena serves as a resource center coordinator.
“I think of the miracles that are going to happen”
It’s not unusual to find Teena standing in the back of a ballroom before a Weekend to Remember begins. As she looks across the empty room and sees hundreds of vacant chairs, she not only prays but also often weeps. “I think of the miracles that are going to happen that weekend,” she says.
The Hoovers can’t help but notice the couples who begin getaways with an extra chair between them, or sit on opposite sides of the ballroom. And as they watch those same couples move closer together and then repeat their wedding vows on Sunday, sometimes the Hoovers get emotional, remembering their own story. Teena often has to look for a tissue to wipe her tears. “We were there,” she says.
She and Tim know that the pressures of life will hit the struggling couples when they leave the getaway. “But if they will just remember what they learned,” Teena says, “and just take a piece of it and hang on to something—the hope only Christ can offer.”
When couples tell the Hoovers there is no hope for their marriage and ask, “Can a dying marriage be saved?” or, “Why even try?” they often tell them their story.
It’s a story of about repeated affairs, illegal drugs, bulimia, and alcoholism. A story of redemption that would be unbelievable except for one thing—the amazing power of God.
We constantly feel the pressure to move on to the next phase of life. When you’re single, the questions are, “Why are you single, and when are you going to start dating?”
When you’re dating, it’s, “When are you going to get married?”
When you’re living in an apartment, it’s, “When are you going to buy a house?”
And when you’re married and in a house, it’s, “When are you going to have kids?”
We have this constant pressure to upgrade our cars, careers, and social status. Where does it end?
We see our friends not only hitting those milestones but also buying each other lavish gifts, going on dream vacations, and looking as if they’re perfectly happy all the time. We start to feel that our relationships aren’t any good if our entire lives aren’t one amazing moment after another. This is what we call the comparison trap, and it’s completely toxic for relationships.
Comparing real life with fake happiness (Ryan)
The idea of jealousy or comparisons is nothing new—it goes all the way back to the Bible, but social media has heightened our awareness. Before, I would have to go to someone’s house to see how he’s living, but now all I have to do is check my news feed. Too often what we see on social media, at a party, or even on Sunday at church in no way reflects what’s really going on in someone’s life.
So many times I’ve seen a picture posted by a smiling and hugging couple and then, five minutes later, listened when they called and said they’re in the middle of a fight. The same couples show up to church in their Sunday best for one main reason—to keep up appearances.
We all want to give the impression that we’re happy. It’s embarrassing to admit to any weakness, especially publicly. That’s why you see people tweeting pictures of gifts, vacations, and nights out instead of a status like, “We’re having issues tonight; pray for us.”
None of us wants to be the person who cheated or the one who can’t get along with his spouse. If you’re feeling down about your relationship and post a picture of the two of you looking cute, you feel better when people post positive comments. Deep down I think many of us believe that if we tell the world that we’re happy, then maybe we really will be happy.
But when others compare their real life with your fake happiness, they’ll always come up short. As Dave Ramsey says, “Never compare someone else’s highlight reel with your behind-the-scenes footage.”
Stop self-marketing
When you’re using social media, it’s a good practice to ask yourself, “Why am I posting this?” You’re the only person who really knows the truth, and if there’s a hidden agenda behind your posts, take some time to think about why it’s important to you to send that message.
At the end of the day, we’re all doing a little bit of self-marketing. We’re putting something out there that tells the world we’re okay. But what would happen if we stopped marketing ourselves on social media and started being a little more honest?
I’m not talking about airing all your dirty laundry; I’m suggesting making your social media accounts a more authentic representation of your life, your struggles, and your ups and downs. I believe this would allow us all feel a little bit better about ourselves if we could easily see that we’re all really going through similar things.
I intentionally became a loser about a year ago, and it was one of the greatest days of my life. This meant simply looking at all the people I’d been comparing myself to and saying, “I don’t need to have anything nicer than you. You have the better story and the cooler stuff. You win. I lose.”
We all want a newer car, a nicer wardrobe, and a bigger house, but what would it feel like to surrender your need for those things and seek to find contentment with what you already have? To me, that’s the only way to really win.
Trying to compete
Continually having your eye on someone else will keep you from being everything God has called you to be. Saul is the perfect example of what happens when you fall for the comparison trap. What Saul couldn’t know is that the Bible describes him as “the most handsome man in Israel—head and shoulders taller than anyone else in the land” (1 Samuel 9:2, NLT).
Now, there are many great patriarchs of the faith in the Old and New Testament: Abraham, Noah, Moses, Elijah, Peter, Paul, and so on, but none of them received a compliment like this. It’s one thing for People magazine to say you’re the most handsome man in the land, but if the Bible says it, that means you were really a stud!
The problem is, Saul didn’t realize how amazing he was because he had his eye on someone else. First Samuel 18:9 tells us, ”And Saul eyed David from that day on.” Who knows what would have happened to Saul if he’d stopped comparing himself to David? The course of history would have been altered if David and Saul had joined forces instead of competing.
We can always do more together than we can individually. Saul wasted resources, time, and energy trying to chase and kill David instead of experiencing what could have been one of the most kingly reigns in history with David by his side. We will always fail to see who we are when we’re busy looking at others. What are you missing out on because you’re busy trying to compete with someone else?
Learn what God thinks (Amanda)
If you’re used to posting everything you do on social media, it can be oppressive to feel like you have to look your best at every moment and come up with something new and exciting to show. It’s almost like we’re all celebrities who might get snapped by the paparazzi when we’re out getting groceries, but in this case we’re our own paparazzi! Turn the camera off yourself and see how amazingly liberating it feels.
Of course, the best thing you can do to avoid falling for the comparison trap is to spend some time finding out what God thinks about you. Stop focusing on keeping up with the Leaks or whoever you have your eye on, and work on keeping up with God’s image of you.
One morning as I scrolled through Facebook, I realized that I had a Bible app right next to the Facebook app, just a tap of the finger away. When I got rid of Facebook and started clicking on the Bible app instead, I was able to stop comparing myself to others and find what was really important.
It’s not uncommon for a woman to sheepishly approach me at an event and say, “I’m one of those women you talked about who has a higher sex drive than my husband. What should I do?”
Because women in this situation defy the stereotype, they sometimes feel shame and inadequacy. I must not be pretty or sexy enough. Is there something wrong with me?
For many women, the “men always want sex” stereotype has been fed to them for so many years that they assume their husband will always be initiating and constantly in the mood. When he isn’t, they sit silently and make a list of all the things that must be wrong with them. STOP!
Practically every couple has difficulties to overcome in their sexual relationship. Each husband and wife has their own unique set of strengths, weaknesses, and areas of incompatibility. If this is something you’re struggling with, please don’t add to it by assuming there must be something wrong with you.
In fact, the Bible assumes that both the husband and wife have sexual needs. First Corinthians 7:3-5a says, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.”
Did you notice that a “husbandly duty” is mentioned even before the “wifely duty”? Interesting, huh? Even in Paul’s day there were probably women who were frustrated by the lack of sex in their marriage.
Start with a conversation
Have you and your husband talked about this issue? Because these are such sensitive topics, many couples only address sexual differences when they are fighting. Instead of talking, they settle into patterns that lead to rejection and frustration.
You initiate or hint toward intimacy and he turns you down. You get angry and lash out or avoid him. This kind of pattern becomes ingrained until even the mention of sex becomes a powder keg. Both husband and wife feel misunderstood and marginalized.
You will never solve the problem until you learn to talk about it with the goal of understanding each other and getting on the same team. One of the first things to do is start a conversation with your spouse and not assume the worst.
“After months of frustration,” one woman said, “I sat down with my husband and explained that I felt like we weren’t having enough sex. He responded with ‘I never would have thought that. Why don’t you ever tell me you want it or initiate?’ … I have now learned to talk with my spouse and show him my needs. Initiating isn’t just a man’s job! This has not only helped my internal struggle, but our marriage as well.”
Problems or conflicts become much more manageable when you can talk them through without blaming or hurting one another. Spend time asking God to show you the right time, to give you a sensitive heart, and the right words to express yourself.
What if he never wants sex?
We need to distinguish between a wife who has a higher sex drive and a marriage in which the husband never wants sex. One situation represents a normal difference in desire while the other likely indicates a deeper underlying problem.
If you tend to be the one to initiate sex, but your husband is eager and responsive, I wouldn’t worry about it. While men typically think about sex more often than their wives, this is not always the case.
There are some men who are more comfortable expressing love verbally or by enjoying activities with their wives. Other men avoid initiating sexually because they are afraid of rejection, but are eager to engage when their wife initiates.
While men and women have various sexual appetites, it’s not normal for a man never to want sex with his wife. If your husband is simply not interested in sex, it’s important for both of you to understand and address what is getting in the way of his desire for and enjoyment of sex.
Sometimes, the problem is a physical roadblock, like thyroid disease, low testosterone levels, medications that interfere with sex drive or performance, obesity, or exhaustion. Stress, grief, and depression can also lower sex drive.
Also ask yourself if your husband feels like you dominate or overpower him. In some marriages in which a husband isn’t sexually aggressive, he is also passive in other areas of the relationship. When a wife is bossy or critical, sometimes this impacts a man’s confidence and results in sexual passivity.
Your husband could also be dealing with an emotional trauma like childhood sexual abuse. As difficult as it is for a woman to talk about molestation, it is infinitely more uncomfortable for men. Also, an extramarital affair, habitual masturbation, a sexual fetish he is too ashamed to admit, or porn use could all come between the two of you.
A lot of men were introduced to porn as boys and engaged with it throughout their teen and young adult life. The images from the past are seared into the brain and impact a man’s sexual response in his marriage even years later. His brain is trained only to respond to more and more graphic sexual stimuli, so he is unable to enjoy normal sex with his wife.
As you might imagine, it is very difficult for a husband to admit to his wife that he is engaged with porn or some other form of immorality. Instead, he makes excuses and often continues secretly with porn, masturbation, or other sexual outlets. The encouraging news is that we can rewire our brains to learn a healthy sexual response. As porn impacts more and more marriages, God is raising up men and women to minister in this area of redeeming male and female sexuality.
What about my needs?
The truth is that while marriage is intended to fulfill our sexual needs and desires, millions of married men and women are sexually unsatisfied. Many who bail on marriage do so because of their sexual disappointment and frustration.
Don’t allow this issue to be swept under the rug. Even the Bible says that sex is an important part of marriage that should not be neglected. If your needs are vastly different than your husband’s needs, work together to find the right balance or compromise for mutual sexual fulfillment.
You may have a spouse who is unwilling or unable to sexually satisfy you. While sex is an important part of marriage, remember that it is not the most important part. Marriages ultimately don’t die because people stop having sex; they die when people stop keeping their promises.
God cares deeply about the covenant you and your husband made with each other. He also understands the limitations and longings of these bodies of ours. Because sex seems like such an earthy part of life, we often don’t bring our sexual concerns and frustrations to God. I would encourage you, friend, to pour out your heart to the Lord. Ask Him to bless your sex life but also ask Him to use the difficulties and frustrations to help you become more like Him.
Whether you’re a lay leader or a staff member, getting a new ministry started in the local church can be a challenge. Having served as both a lay leader and a former pastor myself, I have faced this situation several times, with varying degrees of success. Over time, I discovered two keys that lead to more successes than failures with starting up a new ministry.
Key #1: Identify and follow your church’s process for starting a new ministry
If your church has a formal process for birthing a new ministry, embrace it. View it as a way to lead a ministry the church can support. Identify and meet with the leaders who can guide you in the process, and follow their instruction. Your ministry might succeed without their support, but it would be difficult, and certainly not ideal.
If your church does not have a formal process, don’t give up. Identify the leaders responsible for or instrumental in approving new ministries. Share your vision and ask them to mentor you. These trusted leaders know the ins and outs of getting a new ministry started. They have been down this path before and know the pitfalls. Even if you think their suggestions seem unnecessary, follow their lead. Their influence and wisdom will be invaluable to a healthy launch.
Key #2: Align your vision with the church’s vision
In our zeal to serve the Lord and others, we may focus on what’s in our hearts without lifting our heads to see what is already happening. Most churches have a formal vision statement and/or mission statement that identifies what the church considers most important, and ideally, guides the church’s ministry decisions. In some churches, the vision or mission is so ingrained in the culture that attendees can state it from memory. So identify your church’s vision or mission.
Next, identify how your ministry idea supports your church’s vision. If it doesn’t, make adjustments to align your idea with that vision.
To achieve alignment, ask yourself these questions:
1. Does the vision I have for ministry directly or indirectly support the church’s vision? Identify at least three ways your ministry will support the church’s vision and memorize them.
2. What is my church already doing in the way of ministry? Will my ministry duplicate efforts? If it does, the better idea may be to join what is already happening.
3. Can I state my idea for ministry and how it supports my church’s vision in one or two sentences? Draft your statement and memorize it until you can say it without stumbling or additional explanation.
4. Which is more important: the WHAT or the HOW?Is the ministry result more important than how I go about doing it? Getting a ministry started sometimes requires a change in how the ministry gets done, so hold tight to the desired outcome and hold loosely to the methods for achieving it. This may be hard but doing it will serve you well. In 2003, God gave me a vision for helping the local church help marriages, and I quickly began drafting a plan for achieving it. Years later I am still focused on helping local churches help marriages (the what), but only about 30 percent of how I planned to achieve it is still in place. Be open to making adjustments to ensure your HOW aligns with your church’s process, structure, and culture to achieve your WHAT.
5. Who can help me hone my vision and plan for ministry? Identify two or three people who will give you honest feedback. Ask that they help you craft your ideas as well as check your heart to ensure alignment with the bigger vision of the church. Rogue ministry in the local church is ugly in the end. Ministry aligned to support the overall vision is healthy and inspiring.
If you are a lay leader, aligning your vision for ministry with the church’s vision is a win in several ways:
Buy-in. When you tell church leaders (and later the volunteers you are recruiting) that your vision supports the church’s vision, who will not pay attention?
Support. With your vision enhancing the church’s vision, you have a greater chance that church leaders will offer additional support as needed.
Gratification. You and your team will gain a sense of accomplishment for helping the church achieve its vision as well as having an impact on lives.
If you are on staff at the church, aligning your vision for ministry with the church’s vision is a win in three ways as well:
Buy-in. If attendees and staff already support the church’s vision, then obtaining buy-in for this new ministry will be easier once people see how it supports the overall church vision.
Alignment. With the new ministry aligned with the church’s vision, you’ll be able to prioritize it and devote the right amount of time and energy.
Impact. You will now have more energy focused on achieving the vision, resulting in ministry to more people for Christ.
Sometimes, a church may not have a written vision statement. Even then, the pastor and staff usually have goals for what they want to achieve. If your church doesn’t have a written vision statement, ask the pastoral staff what they want the church to focus on in the next two or three years, and then align your ministry idea to support their response.
Finding favor for your ministry plan
Say these two statements out loud:
“Pastor, I have a vision for a new ministry.”
“Pastor, the Lord has given me a burden for a ministry I can lead that will help people and help our church reach our vision.”
When I was a church staff member, I winced when I heard the first statement, as I feared the ministry idea would actually be a distraction from what we were currently focused on. But when I heard the second statement, I was interested and wanted to hear more. If you’re a lay leader, take it from a former pastor—the second statement is much more likely to be received with favor. Make the choice to align your vision for ministry with the church’s vision, and you’ll have a much greater chance to get the buy-in you need and the support you want.
“Grandma, don’t leave me,” my 2-year-old granddaughter wailed.
I started the car engine, ignoring my inclination to rush back into the house, blew her one last kiss, and pulled out of the driveway.
What kind of grandmother could leave her granddaughter under these circumstances? The answer is simple: one who believes in boundaries for grandparents.
My granddaughter wasn’t being mistreated, harmed, or neglected. She and I had just enjoyed a lovely time, gathering shells at the beach and satisfying ourselves on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, before I returned her home for the afternoon. When her mother lovingly but firmly announced that it was time for a nap, I kissed my granddaughter good-bye and slipped out the front door. That’s when her dramatics began.
If I had returned, I would have overstepped my boundaries, undermining her mother’s authority and reinforcing my granddaughter’s attempt to postpone her nap.
Most of us respect physical boundaries such as split-rail and chain-link fences. But do we respect the intangible boundaries surrounding the roles and responsibilities of our grandchildren and their parents? Do we respect the boundaries surrounding our own roles and responsibilities?
In order to practice healthy grandparent boundaries, we need to know what our role as a grandparent is, and what it is not.
We live in an age when the role of grandparents isn’t clearly defined. Society is ambiguous; the Church remains uncharacteristically silent; resources are limited. In order to find a well-defined job description for grandparents, we must turn our attention to Scripture.
God’s Word tells us the role of grandparents is to pass a legacy of faith to future generations. “Watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them fade from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them” (Deuteronomy 4:9).
When we assume false roles or responsibilities that do not belong to us, we trespass against our grandchildren, their parents, and ourselves. The following scenarios provide present-day examples:
Trespass 1: Grandparents who co-parent.
Kathleen insisted upon giving her grandson a pacifier when he came to visit, contrary to his parents’ wishes. Now she’s devastated, because her son and daughter-in-law, exhausted from arguments about the blue binkie, refuse to bring the baby for a visit.
The breakdown in Kathleen’s family began when she failed to respect the authority of her son and daughter-in-law as parents. Decisions about child rearing, from pacifiers to potty training, bedtime to discipline, belong to the parents.
A grandparent who crosses the boundary and begins to co-parent creates the proverbial three-legged race, leaving the grandchild confused about the person who is in the position of authority. The question becomes, “Who’s raising this child?” Eventually, the child will use the confusion to his advantage, manipulating situations to get what he wants.
As Cavin Harper says in his book Courageous Grandparenting, “Our role as grandparents is to walk as allies and help the parents of our grandchildren become the best parents they can be.”
Trespass 2: Grandparents who enable.
Betty Lou’s grandson wants to attend an outdoor concert with his high school buddies, but he is scheduled to work delivering pizzas. Betty Lou, in her misguided attempt to be a loving and sympathetic grandmother, forges a work excuse for him. With the stroke of her pen, she not only commits a crime, but also gives her grandson permission to do likewise.
Jesus warns us, “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of the little ones to sin” (Luke 17:1-2).
Trespass 3: Grandparents who buy love.
Dave and Brenda enter the checkout line of a superstore, their shopping cart laden with expensive toys and electronics—everything on their grandchildren’s Christmas list and more. They flash a credit card without considering the cost; after all, nothing is too good for their grandchildren.
With each scan of a barcode, Dave and Brenda buy into the cultural lie that God created us to be open wallets or “fun factories” for our grandchildren.
We cannot help but ask if Dave and Brenda are buying their grandchildren’s love—and at what cost? Are they unintentionally teaching their grandchildren to place monetary values on love and self-worth?
Trespass 4: Grandparents who allow themselves to be taken for granted.
Tom heaves a sigh as he lifts the last bag of groceries onto the kitchen counter. He and his wife have been running a rent-free boarding house since their daughter and her two children moved in with them. Tom and his wife share the responsibilities—cooking meals, cleaning house, doing laundry, and caring for the little ones—while their daughter chats on Facebook. Tom suspects she is pregnant again.
Tom believes his daughter is taking advantage of their hospitality. He thinks she should assume household responsibilities or find a job and pay rent. His wife, however, fears if they make these demands, their daughter will leave with the grandchildren.
Tom and his wife are being offered a mulligan. They failed to teach their daughter responsibility when she was a child, but they now have the opportunity to fix their mistake. They need to ask her to share the workload, pay rent, or both. They need to model and establish boundaries for the sake of their daughter, themselves, and their grandchildren.
God seeks honest, hard work from all of us. “Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies have no sense” (Proverbs 12:11). “A sluggard’s appetite is never filled, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied” (Proverbs 13:4).
Pray more, say less
Scripture commands us to pass on a legacy of faith to future generations—not to co-parent, enable, or entertain our grandchildren. The only time we have permission to trespass across boundaries is when the physical, emotional, or moral safety of our grandchildren is threatened.
But there is one thing that we can always do. Lillian Penner, author of Grandparenting with a Purpose, suggests that we say less and pray more. After all, the gift of prayer—wearing calluses on our knees on behalf of our grandchildren and their parents—comes without boundaries.
Years ago our family of eight and some dear friends of ours with their two kids vacationed in a small condo on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Southern California. It was a beautiful setting and a wonderful time for our families, but one night we were introduced to an experience that Southern Californians face regularly.
At 2 a.m. we awoke to a boom that made us think a truck had hit the building. Then we noticed that everything was shaking. We jumped out of bed and hurried to the living room where all our children were sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags. The chandelier over the dining room table was swinging.
It was an earthquake—not very large, but very unsettling. We felt disoriented and confused. We wondered how long it would last and what we should do. The earth is supposed to be steady and solid, and now it wasn’t. When it finally stopped we couldn’t go back to sleep for hours because our fears had been awakened and our security threatened.
Unsettling times
Does our experience describe how you have felt recently? Many Americans have felt shaken by economic instability, racial conflict, mass shootings, and terrorist threats in recent years. Even the current political races have left us feeling anxious, troubled, disoriented. We wonder what to do. We feel afraid as the ground shakes beneath our feet.
Many followers of Christ feel just as unsettled over the unprecedented transformation in the moral climate of our culture. The world’s views on human sexuality, especially, have changed so quickly that Christians are now labeled as bigots for holding to biblical standards. We don’t know how to act, what to say or not say.
And inside our individual homes, many may be feeling disoriented and disheartened because of illness, hardships, failed relationships, or recent deaths of friends or family. Like a friend of ours who just received a cancer diagnosis—her world has just been shaken. Perhaps your world has been shaken, too.
A couple years ago I (Barbara) was reading through the book of Isaiah, and I came across a passage I had never noticed before. Isaiah 33:5-6 says, “The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.”
I was struck by that phrase in the middle: “and he will be the stability of your times…” At the time our country was experiencing an economic downturn. Everyone in America was feeling the impact.
When life feels insecure and unstable—not just in the world outside but also inside your family—remember that God is ultimately in control. No matter what is happening around you or how unsteady the world feels, He is our sure and stable foundation.
In many ways, America has been a pretty stable country for the last few decades. But it may not not continue to be. When you feel the ground shift beneath your feet, it’s good to remember that Jesus is your Rock and your Fortress. He will be the stability of your times.
Dealing with the hardships of life
Life will never be easy. We will always face problems and hardship. That would be true even if our culture felt more stable than it does today, for the Scriptures promise us, “In the world you shall have tribulation.”
So how will we deal with loss, with grief, with fear, with suffering? How do we respond when things don’t go our way? And how do we teach our children to face the hardships of life?
Christians today need to know more about God, more about ourselves, and more about the mission God has given us. Here are seven things to remember:
1. God is alive. He has not disappeared. He is eternal, all-powerful, and all-knowing, just as He has been from the beginning of time. As Isaiah 40:28 tells us, “… The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.”
2. God never changes. Psalm 90 (KJV) begins, “Lord, Thou has been our dwelling place in all generations … even from everlasting to everlasting, Thou art God.” Inspired by these words, Isaac Watts wrote the following verses in the enduring hymn, “O God, Our Help in Ages Past.” They remind us that our fears, though circumstantially different than his in ages past, are still the same:
Our God, our help in ages past,
Our hope for years to come,
Our shelter from the stormy blast,
And our eternal home.
Under the shadow of Thy throne
Thy saints have dwelt secure;
Sufficient is Thine arm alone,
And our defense is sure.
We all fear the loss of life, health, freedom, and peace. We fear the unknown future. But do you know who will be with us? Jesus, the One who is “the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8).
3. God offers eternal life. If you have received Christ as your Lord and Savior, your sins have been forgiven because of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. You are a child of God, and as Romans 8:38-39 tells us, “neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” That is encouraging.
4. God has won the battle. He has defeated death. History will culminate in Christ’s return. No matter what we experience in the world, we can find peace in Him. In John 16:33 Jesus tells us, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
5. God is still in control. He is not surprised by anything going on in the world, or in your life. He is the sovereign, omnipotent King of kings. Even in times of uncertainty and chaos, Romans 8:28 (NASB) is still in force: “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” So is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NASB), which tells us, “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
6. God will provide for your needs. Especially in times of economic uncertainty it’s easy to grow anxious about the most basic things, like whether we will keep our jobs, or whether our families will have enough to eat. But in Matthew 6:26-33, Jesus tells us we should not be worried about what we eat, or what we will wear:
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? … But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
7. God has given us good works to do. Jesus’ words also remind us that there is more to life than meeting our daily material needs. When we seek God’s kingdom and His righteousness, we operate according to His priorities—we’re concerned about building our family relationships, and connecting the hearts of our children to God’s heart, and impacting future generations by proclaiming Christ. We’re concerned about God using us to reach and influence others with the gospel. That’s what life is really about.
Second Corinthians 5:20 tells us that we are ambassadors for Christ. Have you considered that your best opportunities to fulfill this role—to represent Christ and His Kingdom—may come in times like these when so many need help and encouragement?
Consider this: If you are feeling troubled by the instability in our world, then many of the people you encounter each day are concerned and fearful as well. What makes you different is that you have a firm foundation in Christ. This is an opportunity for you to shine. If you have built your home on the Rock (Matthew 7:24-27), you will remain unshaken. That in itself is a witness to the watching world that there is something different about Christians. And if you then reach out to help others who struggle without that foundation, that makes you rare indeed.
When life feels insecure and unstable, focus on these timeless truths. Read the never-changing Word of God with your spouse and to your children. No matter what troubles we are experiencing in our world and in our families, He is in control. He will not abandon us. He will provide for us. This may look different than you expect, but His promises have not expired in the 21st century.
In troubled times, one of the biggest challenges parents face is knowing how to transfer their faith to their children. Because we have learned how challenging life can be, we want our kids to know how to depend on Christ as their Rock, whether it’s on the battlefield of the school playground or on a real battlefield one day across the globe. But how?
Several years ago I read a story about a family who lived a comfortable, peaceful life in a happy community. Unexpected national events in their country changed everything for this mom and dad and their two daughters, 11 and 8.
In the months leading up to the beginning of World War I, life changed dramatically for Elizabeth, 11, and her Armenian family living in Turkey, the land of their ancestors. Raised by parents who followed Christ and taught the truths of Scripture, Elizabeth’s world began to implode in April 1915 when her father was arrested and beaten by Turkish soldiers, who accused him of crimes he did not commit.
He was offered sanctuary if he renounced Christ and gave allegiance to Mohammad, but he refused. After he was arrested a second time, Elizabeth searched for him and found him badly beaten. On her knees, with her face near his, she heard him say, “Never give up Christ no matter how much suffering might come. Christ died for us. We can be as brave in His name.”
That was the last time Elizabeth saw her father. She fled with her mother and sister to another city, where they found work as servants.
‘My own time has come’
Elizabeth’s employers began to pressure her to deny Christ, but her mother told her, “Remember your father’s example.” Then her mother admitted, “My own time for facing that question has come. I was told today that all Armenian adults must acknowledge Mohammed or be exiled.” She began crying and continued, “I cannot give up Christ no matter how much you girls will need me. I cannot give Him up. I know that He will watch over you both.”
The next day her mother was taken away, along with hundreds of other Armenians. Elizabeth and her sister were now orphans.
Can you imagine the pain that Elizabeth’s parents felt when they talked to her for the last time? They desperately wanted to protect her and her sister, to keep them from suffering. But they knew they could not renounce their Savior. So they did the very best thing they could do—they put their daughters in the hands of Jesus. By faith.
God rescued the two girls and kept them safe through the end of the war, and they immigrated to the United States.
Could I trust God?
When I first read this story, all of my children were safely in my nest. I wondered if I had the faith to act as these parents did. Could I trust God to take care of my children if He took me or both Dennis and me to heaven? Did I believe His sovereignty and goodness would be unchanging if He allowed them to go through something harmful or painful?
What most of us face today is nothing like the instability in Turkey a hundred years ago. But the answer is still the same. Jesus Christ is still on His throne, and He can still be trusted to take care of us—no matter what that looks like. That’s what we need to teach our children so they can put their faith in Christ and trust Him in everything.
If our kids are anxious and fearful, they’re probably picking it up from us. And if we want them to be full of faith, they need to pick that up from us, too.
So that’s the question for moms and dads. Do you really believe God is big enough?
Followers of Christ today stand on the same Rock that believers have trusted for over 2,000 years. No matter what is happening in the world, that Rock is Jesus Christ.
Teaching your children
So how do you pass this truth on to your children, so they will rely on this same solid foundation as they grow into adulthood?
Deuteronomy 6:4-9 was a consistent source of guidance for Dennis and me as we raised our children. It begins with a statement that Jesus later identified as the “greatest commandment”: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” This is what you need to teach your children, and it should be a way of life—not something you restrict to Sunday school or family devotions.
God’s Word should be “on your heart”—something that is so central to your existence that you can’t help but talk about it to your children. In the daily circumstances of life, you will find many opportunities to tell your children about God, about His Son Jesus Christ, and about what He did for us.
Point them to Christ
As they grow older, initiate conversations with your children as they encounter the normal troubles kids face in life—difficulties at school, with friends, with unfair adults, with bullies. These are great times to point them to Christ and teach them how to trust God. They will encounter trouble, and if you don’t teach them how to handle it, you’re setting them up for great disappointment.
Give your kids permission to articulate what they’re feeling and experiencing. The family needs to be a safe place to express their fears and disappointments. Those are great moments for you to love them, affirm them, and help them make wise choices. And in times of cultural instability, you can act as a “spiritual commentator” of sorts—talking through current issues and helping them see a biblical perspective.
I think that’s our calling as parents, to model a faith that is authentic and strong and rooted in the Rock, and that’s what our children will notice. We have to remember to model that in what we say and what we do, because our kids are paying attention.
With terrorist attacks, dangerous dictators, and senseless murders all around us, sometimes it feels like the whole world has gone crazy … and maybe it has.
But God is still on His throne! Even when the battles rage and death seems to be all around us, God is still in sovereign control. As I raise my family in this world of upside down values and unprecedented media coverage, I remember the words of Jesus, “… Let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39). Oftentimes, it is God’s will that His people pass through the fire of suffering and trials, even persecution. But He promises victory on the other side. He promises to go with us into the fire, and to provide a way through.
So how do we practically walk the path of stability in an unstable world? Here are a few suggestions:
First, make your spiritual life a priority. Learn to pray. Don’t just bow your head and mumble a few words and call it prayer—get down on your knees and cry out to God! Fervently, humbly, regularly. God listens to our prayers when we are desperate for His grace and mercy.
Live righteously. James 5:16 (NKJV) says, “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” How are we going to pass on a faith to our children that they have never been exposed to? It must be deep and sincere and pour out of us like life’s blood. If we don’t bleed the message of Christ, then we aren’t taking our faith seriously enough.
Go to church as a family and really worship—thank God, praise God, tell Him you love Him, think about what you’re doing there, and then do it with joy! In the words of King David, “I was glad when they said unto me, ‘Let us go to the house of the Lord'” (Psalm 122:1). When was the last time you were excited and glad to participate in the corporate worship of God? Church is not only about seeing your friends or participating in the community. It’s about pouring out your heart and soul—giving all the glory—to the one who saved you from hell.
Second, make the Word of God central in your home. Jesus said, “Everyone … who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and bear on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock” (Matthew 7:24-25). If your home is not standing on the teachings of the Bible, you will never have assurance or abiding peace. That is a privilege only for those who build their homes on those principles.
And how can you understand the principles of the Word if you never study it? A weekly message from your pastor is good, but it is not nearly enough information. You need to read the Word regularly and often. Hebrews 4:12 says, God’s Word is “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” There are two great principles in this verse. First, the Bible is living and active. That means it is always enlightening you, showing you new meaning as the Holy Spirit gives you understanding. No matter how many times you read it, you can always learn something new. Second, it is a weapon that can be used in spiritual warfare, but it must be handled, learned, and practiced.
In a world of instability, we have the assurance we need in the Word of God. As you read and meditate on it your faith will be strengthened. As you read it to your family, your faith will be strengthened. As Romans 10:17 says, “Faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.” The more you study the Bible, the more you strengthen your family’s foundation.
Third, assure your family of its own stability. Pledge to work through anything, no matter what happens. Children in today’s world don’t know what to expect for their future anymore. Any small spat between their parents can threaten the security of their home. They hear about war and shootings. But as a parent who trusts in God, you can assure your children that no matter what happens, you will work through it together as a family.
Talk to your spouse and agree to take the word “divorce” out of your vocabulary and off the table as an option. Never ever say the “D-word” again. As you solve problems, work on them together as a team with the same goal—reconciliation. Don’t hold grudges, and practice forgiveness and reconciliation.
There are so many free and inexpensive ways to strengthen your marriage if you will only put the effort into it. Start by praying together as a couple and as a family every day. The stronger the marriage, the stronger the family will be.
Fourth, don’t live in fear. Paul tells us that “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). Anything that has you and your family panicking is not from God. Fear is one of Satan’s most powerful weapons. We don’t have to prepare for warfare or stockpile and hoard food. Through any and every disaster in life, God promises to provide for His people. And if anything should take our lives, He has promised eternal life in return. No real harm can come to us!
Children need to see parents who can go out into the world with faith and courage in the words of God. We need Christians who live out what they say they believe, not hiding in their living rooms, but with courage to act out in faith, unafraid of what the world says and how they are despised. We should be showing more love, truth, kindness, and joy—all in the name of Jesus, ready to give account for the blessings that are in us.
Practice your faith and live in stability
The world may be falling to pieces. It certainly cannot stand forever because it is built on the wrong foundation, but Jesus’ kingdom will never fall. “… His dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom one that shall not be destroyed” (Daniel 7:14). Take the risks it requires to practice your faith. Give more time to the work of your spiritual life and your family will see greater stability than it has ever known even in these unstable times.
So you have a passion for marriage ministry and you’re ready to get started. In fact, you are so motivated that you want to share your plans and enlist anyone who shows interest. Why not? The more, the better, right?
Not so fast!
A key component to a vibrant, growing marriage ministry with staying power is recruiting and equipping the right couples to serve alongside you on the leadership team. So while you may be eager to get started, you will want to take your time recruiting your team members. Then, once you have your team members identified, you will want to take more time training them in effective ministry.
Recruiting team members
Effective ministry is a spiritual battle. Because Satan does not want God’s kingdom to prevail, he will attack. We advise that you not try to initiate a marriage ministry on your own. Enlist a team to share in your victories and your challenges.
The size of your church and your ministry plan will guide you in determining how many couples are needed on the ministry team. A team can be as small as you and one other couple or several couples. Depending on the size of your church, we suggest a leadership team of 4 to 6 couples. If your team is too large, decisions become slowed; too small and members burn out.
Begin by praying for the Lord to send you team members with passion to enrich marriages. We discourage putting out an open invitation for members. This is not a club to join; this is serious kingdom business and requires prioritized commitment.
Schedule a time with your pastor to share your vision and ask him to suggest couples for the ministry’s leadership team. Marriages may not always be as healthy as they seem. Couples may appear to have a great marriage in public, but privately they could be struggling.
Observe couples in your church and seek out the ones who have visibly healthy marriages. When we were enlisting our team members, we sought suggestions from a life coach in our church who provided marital enrichment guidance.
Once you have identified some interested couples, share your ministry vision with them. If they express interest in serving, ask them to take the Prepare/Enrich® couple’s assessment. This assessment will bring to light areas of strength and areas for growth in marriages.
Set a minimum assessment outcome of “Conventional Couple” as a requirement to serve on the leadership team. If a couple is interested but does not have the necessary strengths, ask them to be a part of the marriage support team. This allows them to build into their relationship and serve, but it also protects their marriage from taking on more responsibility than they can handle at this time. It also protects the ministry.
When asking couples to commit to the leadership team, be clear that it is a year commitment and can be renewed annually. This helps the team to have stability and continuity.
Equipping team members
Once you have your team members enlisted, you must equip them for service. Help your team members to be successful by learning how they serve best and channeling them to serve from their strengths.
With our team, we expected each couple to lead a class annually. At first, facilitating was overwhelming, so we spent time training in facilitation skills. Using a six-week study with team members, we asked each couple to lead the class for one session. Afterward, we reviewed the session and made suggestions as to how to improve their facilitating skills.
This was a friendly environment where they could learn without judgment. Each couple’s confidence increased and they realized facilitating was not too difficult once they learned some basic skills. Today, the couples who were apprehensive at leading a class six years ago are confidently leading classes and speaking during marriage events to large audiences.
Beyond facilitating classes, you will need members to do many other tasks. As you get to know members, match their service with their strengths. We suggest meeting weekly for the first few months to develop cohesiveness and camaraderie. During your meetings, include prayer, planning, fun, and food. Be prayer warriors for one another and be a source of help and support in each other’s lives outside of your meetings as well. Share life with each other. We enjoyed bonfires, bowling, concerts, ball games, retreats, and meals together.
As your team evolves, some members may decide to work with other ministries or conclude their involvement. As couples leave the team, recognize and honor their involvement. Then add others through vetting and unanimous support from the remaining members of the team.
Recruiting the right team members and equipping them to serve will provide a strong foundation for the ministry plans you develop.
Maintaining harmony in marriage has been difficult since Adam and Eve. Two people trying to go their own selfish, separate ways can never hope to experience the oneness of marriage as God intended. The prophet Isaiah portrayed the problem accurately more than 2,500 years ago when he described basic human selfishness like this: “All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way” (Isaiah 53:6).
Selfishness is possibly the most dangerous threat to oneness in marriage. It affects how we talk to each other, how we divide responsibilities in the home, how we resolve conflicts, and even how we spend our time. Men stubbornly ignore the needs of their wives. They prefer fishing or hunting or playing golf, or even spending an extra hour or two at the office. I once met a pastor who frequented Christian bookstores and libraries for the sole purpose of avoiding his wife. And I have counseled women who spend countless hours shopping, not for their families but to avoid responsibilities at home and to gratify themselves.
Just how do we avoid reaping the bitter fruit of selfishness in a marriage?
Surrender is the key
In our first years of marriage I (Dennis) was more than a bit selfish. After being single for 25 years, I was skilled at looking out for my own needs. But when I took Barbara as my wife, I assumed a new responsibility—loving Barbara as Christ loved the church. That demanded death to self, but my “self” didn’t want to “die.”
After we were married, it didn’t take Barbara long to learn about my genuine 14-carat tendency to be lazy, which was closely linked to my enjoyment of television. I thought Saturdays were mine to thoroughly enjoy as I pleased. Following the pattern I’d learned from my dad, I would get soft drinks and chips, crawl into my chair, and settle down to watch hours of baseball, football, tennis, golf—it didn’t matter what the sport. I just wanted to become a giant amoeba, a blob of molecules with flat brain waves mesmerized by hours of boob tube gazing. What was wrong with this picture? Barbara needed my help in doing tasks and running errands.
Marriage offers a tremendous opportunity to do something about selfishness. Someone may say, “There is no hope; I can’t get him to change,” or “What’s the use? She’ll never be any different.” Barbara and I know there is hope because we learned to apply a plan that is bigger than human self-centeredness. Through principles taught in Scripture, we have learned how to set aside our selfish interests for the good of each other as well as for the profit of our marriage.
Willing to be last
We have seen the Bible’s plan work in our lives, and we’re still seeing it work daily. Barbara hasn’t changed me nor have I changed her. God has changed both of us.
The answer for ending selfishness is found in Jesus and His teachings. He showed us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must serve. Instead of trying to save our lives, we must lose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. In short, if we want to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all.
If we live our lives for ourselves, thinking only of our selfish desires and interests, in the end God gives us exactly what we want: ourselves.
Marriage provides the opportunity to live life for someone else and to avoid this terrible conclusion: “All I’ve got is me. I can’t depend on anyone else.”
What we need the most is to be in a relationship with another person who accepts us as we are and doesn’t reject us. But the closer I get to Barbara, the more she becomes aware of who I really am and the possibility of her rejecting me grows even greater.
A well-known story catches the pain of the human dilemma when it compares relating to each other to the predicament of two porcupines freezing in the winter cold. Shivering in the frigid air, the two porcupines move closer together to share body heat and warmth. But then their sharp spines and quills prick each other painfully and they move apart, victims once more of the bitter cold around them. Soon they feel they must come together once more, or freeze to death. But their quills cause too much pain and they have to part again.
Many marriages are just like that. We can’t stand the cold (isolation from each other) but we desperately need to learn how to live with the sharp barbs and quills that are part of coming together in oneness.
The key to dealing with the barbs and quills that come from selfishness is learning you have to depend on someone else because you have no other choice. To experience oneness, you must give up your will for the will of another. But to do this, you must first give up your will to Christ, and then you will find it possible to give up your will for that of your spouse.
Unless you can give up your will and learn to depend on each other, selfishness will disable or destroy your marriage as you face the difficulties that are bound to occur.
My husband’s job takes him away on trips that last a few days or even a week at a time. Each time he leaves, I battle the fear that he will never return. He boards a flight, and I imagine the plane bursting into flames. He rents a car, and I pray he doesn’t get into a car accident.
The truth is, these things could happen. I know women who have lost husbands in car accidents; I know there are times when people walk out the door for something routine and never return; but I can’t live constantly worrying about a future that hasn’t happened.
I’m not sure if there is a greater fear for women than the fear of what’s to come (or what won’t come). You and I rightly pray for our husband, children, schools, and whether to pursue a career, but we don’t often come to God in peace. Instead we come anxiously awaiting our fate.
Goodness will follow all the days of her life, or her life, or maybe her life, we might think, but surely not my life. It’s hard not to have control, and one thing that we can’t ever determine is what lies ahead. Thankfully, God’s Word is packed with sweet promises that smash all our fearful thinking.
Remember the faithfulness of our Father
In Deuteronomy 32:4, Moses speaks of God as the “Rock” whose works are “perfect” and ways are “justice.” He is “a God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he.” And we read in 1Thessalonians 5:24 of Paul’s confidence in the faithfulness of God: “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”
And elsewhere Paul writes that God will finish the good work He began in us (Philippians 1:6). Psalm 89, though a lament, still sings of God’s faithfulness: “I will sing of the steadfast love of the LORD, forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations … O Lord God of hosts, who is mighty as you are, O LORD, with your faithfulness all around you?” (verses 1, 8).
You and I have to fight to remember the faithfulness of our Father when we are faced with great fears of the future. Ask yourself, how has God been faithful? This year you can count on the Lord to be faithful again.
This doesn’t mean that everything will turn out exactly as you desire. This doesn’t mean each prayer will be answered as you wish. But it does mean that in God’s goodness and sovereignty, He will work all things together as He sees them to be good for you (Romans 8:28). We may not see the evidence of God’s faithful hand until the end of our days, but we know it will be there.
Wanting to take control
Until that day when our faith becomes sight, we will continue to struggle. I think there are two reasons I tend to fear the future. The first is that I believe I know what is best for my family and me. I am convinced that I would do what is best, and therefore I want to take control. During these times, I do not trust that the Lord knows best, and I do not trust that He is operating as my Father.
What we all need, I think to myself, is peace, perfect health, wealth, and comfort.We need a life of ease and not sorrow. These are not bad things to desire in and of themselves. As a matter of fact, much of this dream life I hope for is what I will one day receive in heaven. Life is hard and difficult because we live in a fallen world. Once sin entered, there was a noticeable toil to life and work.
But what happens when I fear for the worst about our future? What happens when I see that I might be in danger of receiving these hard things? My temptation is to get anxious and filled with worry. Anxiety can lead to irrational behavior.
I remember one particular day when I was worried about my husband. I sat on my couch waiting for him to call. He was out of town on business, and I wanted to make sure he had arrived safely. I called his cellphone, and there was no answer. After 30 minutes of silence, I imagined he must be busy and continued on with my day.
A few hours passed, and I began to worry. Did he get robbed? Did the plane go down in a ball of flames? My mind began to wander, and assumptions and fears poured in. Then the phone rang. “Hi, Babe,” he said in his usual calm and collected voice. “I’m so sorry I didn’t call you. My phone died, and I’ve just now settled into the hotel.”
Did all my worrying do anyone any good? Nope. And, thankfully, God has something to say about this. In Matthew 6:27, Jesus asks, “Which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”
The answer is simple—no one adds anything to his or her life by worrying about the future. Jesus is addressing our not being anxious about our lives, and much of what He addresses has to do with the future: “Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on” (Matthew 6:25).
Not believing God is who He says He is
The second reason I fear the, future is, I think, unbelief. All fear has an element of unbelief, but the fear of what will happen in one’s future seems especially derived from a lack of faith. Since God is real and powerful and good, why wouldn’t I rest in the unknown?
It’s because, during those moments when I feel that everything is out of control, I believe God isn’t who He says He is and that I must take matters into my own hands. Essentially I’m saying that God can’t handle this mess. He can’t handle this concern. He can’t handle this potential disaster, so I need to try to fix it through worrying or actions that may not be necessary.
My concern with the future typically involves health and the safety of my family, but yours may be something else. Perhaps your fear of the future involves losing your home, finances, or job. So, because of your fear, you lack faith in God’s provision and store up treasures on earth (Matthew 6:19-21) and do not give financially.
Maybe your fear is divorce, so you are tempted to mistrust your husband. There is an endless list of ways we can be tempted to doubt that God can really handle the future.
I imagine that the father of the boy with an unclean spirit didn’t have a glowing view of the future for his son. Mark records that the young boy had a spirit in him that made him mute, threw him down, and caused his mouth to foam (Mark 9:17-18). The father brought the boy to Jesus’ disciples, who were unable to heal the kid, so he turned to Jesus, who immediately rebuked everyone, saying, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you?” (Mark 9:19).
The people had the same problem we do—unbelief. But even with doubt, the father continued to plead with Jesus to heal his son. The father said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). He didn’t know what the future would hold for his son, but he knew enough to know that Jesus had the power to save him. He didn’t come to Jesus with a mountain of faith—he had little faith.
This should encourage us as we struggle with our own doubts and fears of the future. Even a little faith can protect us from the unnecessary worry and anxiety produced by fear. Though we doubt God can handle it all, He can.
The remedy for fear
God will take care of all our needs. We don’t have to fear the future. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father” (Matthew 10:29).
The only thing that will remedy our fearful, controlling, hungry, anxious hearts is understanding, knowing, and finding more of Him. We need to know that He is good, in control, and mindful of man. All the while, we cry out to the Lord, “I believe; help my unbelief!”
I (Peter) used to teach a class for college seniors called the “Philosophy of Christian School Education.” It ran for three intense weeks every January and was specifically designed for those students who would spend the rest of their final semester as student teachers around the globe.
Students had to write a paper in which they articulated what they believed now—at the end of their four-year Bible college career. Of course, many of them wrote straightforward essays. Their beliefs lined up with the teachings from their theology courses: God was still God, people were born into sin, and salvation was offered by grace through Christ alone.
However, over the years, I also engaged with a stream of students who arrived at their senior year with doubts. Sometimes those doubts centered around the deity of Christ, or the character of God, or even His very existence. I appreciated it when these students let me know exactly where they stood, rather than write a paper with which they didn’t fully agree.
And rather than force them to be inauthentic, I always gave those students an extension on the assignment. Time for further inquiry and thought. In response, many of them launched into a cathartic conversation with me that lasted until they graduated, and sometimes beyond.
Take Christine, for example. She was visibly upset the first time she came to my office, trembling and on the verge of tears. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said. When I probed, she told me that she had come to Bible college after serving in a camping ministry for a couple of years. At camp, she said, her faith had seemed so simple. She had prayed with campers and some had been saved. She had read the Bible with other counselors, and it had changed her life on a sometimes daily basis.
Now that once-beloved Word seemed like a dry textbook. She regularly felt anxious because she didn’t know anymore if the Bible was even God’s Word. And because she was no longer sure she could trust the Scripture to be true, she was no longer sure that Jesus was for real.
My own doubt
I empathize with those who come to me with doubt, because I have been there too. My faith started simple and small when I was very young. I accepted without question that the Bible was true and that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I believed that real faith showed in good behavior and that my own behavior was good (enough).
When I got to high school, though, my peers started asking questions. If God created everything, then who created God? How can we know the Bible is true? How do we know God exists? Each time I fielded one of these questions, I went to the adults in my church, and they gave me ready answers—which I, in turn, passed on. These answers seemed to satisfy, and several of my friends even gave their lives to Christ. As a result, I must admit, I got cocky. I thought I knew everything there was to know about the Bible and Christianity. I had no idea that I had only scratched the surface.
When I was in my twenties, my faith really came under attack. While I was serving in Pakistan, other missionaries—who seemed much smarter and more experienced than I was—questioned the reliability of the Bible. They challenged me regarding the age of the earth. And they quoted Karl Barth and others to reinforce their ideas.
In Pakistan I also saw more of the effects of evil on the world. Children crippled by their parents so they could gain more money begging. Drugs and guns sold freely over the counter in a lawless northwestern town. And as most of us do at some point in our lives, I asked, Why, God? If You are all-powerful and You are good—why?
Then the attacks on my faith seemed to get more personal. When I was younger, there had been a friendly air of inquiry when my friends and I talked about what we believed. But as I moved through my twenties, people of faith were more frequently marginalized—called morons, backward, or just plain ignorant. I didn’t want to be any of those things, so it seemed safer to doubt.
A common phenomenon
Sean McDowell, son of the renowned apologist Josh McDowell, has also been open about his season of doubt. At a recent conference for Christian educators, I heard the younger McDowell give an energetic presentation on worldview. Listening to him that afternoon, I assumed that he had been carefully groomed by his father. I imagined that, growing up in such a family, he must have been handed a nicely packaged, well-reasoned—and consequently unquestionable—faith. I was surprised to later discover that this was not the case.
In “When Kids Question Their Faith,” Josh and Sean McDowell describe the awkward conversation that had to happen after Sean went away to college. He took a class called “Authentic Manhood,” which challenged him to honestly address his father’s shortcomings in order to love him more fully. Simultaneously, Sean discovered several websites that challenged the arguments of his father’s book Evidence That Demands a Verdict. Together these attacks on his worldview unsettled him. He said, “I hit a point in my life—as many young people do—where I was asking deep intellectual and existential questions. And it wasn’t enough for me to believe something because my parents did. I had to find the truth for myself.”
When doubt comes
People like Christine still come to me, and I often begin by just letting them unwind. They may have to cry and release the many levels of fear that can accompany their doubts: fear about what other people will think—of rejection, of wasting a Bible college education, of not being able to discern what is right. Fear about their identity and losing their faith altogether.
I assure them that I will accept them no matter what they believe. I also tell them that the essay they are writing for my class is an academic assessment, not a religious one. And if they express disagreement with our school’s doctrine, they can still pass the course. It’s interesting how even the removal of that simple obstacle helps give students permission to doubt. Suddenly, their shoulders relax, and they start to reflect.
Our faith needs to catch its breath sometimes. Sometimes we receive so many truths in quick succession that we don’t have time to sort them out. When this happens, it is common for doubt, or even outright rejection, of the beliefs to occur—simply because truth can take time to properly digest. Of course, during a reflective process, we may realize that we have been taught something in error and we do have to reject it.
In the case of my students, though, they sometimes simply haven’t processed their faith deeply enough. They have been told too much, so rapidly, that they are suffering from spiritual indigestion. My role, in part, is to give them permission to break down and absorb what they have been asked to consume.
Three things to do with doubt
So the first thing I encourage people to do with their doubt is to pay attention. Don’t ignore it or hide it or try to pray it away. Acknowledge your uncertainty, own the process of investigation, and prepare to give your faith the time and thought it deserves.
Second, clearly articulate your concerns. Give voice to your doubt. Perhaps begin by journaling. But, sooner rather than later, bring your questions to people you can trust. Some of my students who express their doubts in my office continue the conversation with me.
Many talk with their pastors, mentors, parents, or reliable friends. Some actually watch their doubts dissolve when I simply help them process and release the related negative emotions—shame, anger, resentment—that have built up over time.
Others are pleasantly surprised when they share their doubts with their elders. They are surprised by the gracious reception, open conversation, and helpful advice.
How do you think Josh McDowell handled the news when his son Sean came to him? Josh was not particularly surprised. He assured his son that he loved him very much, no matter what he believed, and he gave Sean his blessing to question his faith. Then Josh had two pieces of counsel for his son. “First, I told him that if he honestly sought the truth, he would find it. Second, I told him not to reject something simply because it was part of his parents’ faith.”
Which brings me to my third point. Dig deep. Search for truth. Find well-reasoned resources that stretch your thinking and answer your questions and fairly address the opposing views. When I was in my twenties and my faith was under attack, I was largely on my own. My questions had become too complex for the elders at my church. And I was completely unaware of the wealth of resources that are available to Christians who want to understand and defend a more conservative faith.
I had never heard of Ravi Zacharias, William Lane Craig, or R.C. Sproul. As a result, my twenty-something life with Christ was riddled with doubts like a poorly kept field is strewn with weeds. And I didn’t have the tools to dig up the weeds so my faith could grow in any healthy fashion.
Expressing doubt
It wasn’t until I came to America for graduate school at the age of 28 that I met people who had more thorough ways of expressing doubt. They engaged wholeheartedly with the process, they sought out others who had insight, they found good books that dug deep, and they encouraged me to do the same.
I believe that the truth of a biblical faith can withstand the growing pains of a reflective mind. I’ve seen it happen for students like Christine. I’ve heard how it happened for Sean McDowell. And I have experienced it myself.
I was a week away from graduating college, sitting on my bed and coming to grips with the fact that I was not exiting college with a boyfriend. All I had ever wanted was to become a wife, and yet that opportunity had not presented itself. I slammed my fists into my mattress in frustration.
Why, Lord?
Four years. Two blind dates. That’s it.
Countless nights I fell asleep thinking about some guy I liked, wishing he would get a clue. I know that the desire to become a wife is a worthy one. But I was growing weary of waiting for it to be fulfilled.
Many questions have floated through my head since I left college.
If I meet an interesting young man, should I muster enough courage to make a first move if he doesn’t?
Should I sit passively and wait for the right guy to come along?
Should I give up my desire to become a wife?
I have found my experience to be common among young, and not-so-young, Christian women today. “Where are the men?” they ask. “Will anyone ever pursue me?”
Here are a few things I’ve learned on this journey.
Delighting in God
Many of us single women know Psalm 37:4-5: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I recall often gazing at a beautifully hand-lettered picture of that passage hanging on my roommate’s wall and interpreting it as, if I delight in God, He will give me what I want … a husband!
But that interpretation led to great disappointment. Upon deeper inspection, I’ve learned that Psalm 37:4 speaks more about where desires originate and less about how they are fulfilled. What it really means is, “If I delight in the Lord, He will show me what to desire.”
Instead of disappointment, this interpretation brings me genuine comfort. If I delight in the Lord, my heart’s desires will be from Him.
It also sheds light on what to do with unmet desires. While it is puzzling why God would give me a desire that He does not intend to gratify, I must trust that His reasons are for my good.
Christ-like femininity
Sitting on my bed that afternoon in college, I was deeply confused about why I felt equipped to be in a relationship and yet hadn’t been given an opportunity to try.
As I think back on what God has taught me during my season of longing, I realize that He has been using my singleness to shape me into the image of Christ. I have grown in patience, grace, and forgiveness by simply being a friend and a daughter.
If my ultimate goal is to imitate Christ with my life, I cannot give my lack of marital status the power to dictate how I do that. Every day, I am faced with a choice: Will I wallow in self-pity and passivity until God brings a man into my life, or will I fix my eyes on Christ and pursue His character? The single woman who wishes to reflect Christ-like femininity must choose the latter.
Space for growth
Someone recently reminded me that nowhere in the Bible does God promise a husband. Yes, Scripture offers bountiful teaching on the roles of husbands and wives and on the gift of marriage. But marriage is not part of God’s plan for everyone.
It is also true that many women who do marry are not spiritually or emotionally mature. In light of this, I have begun to realize that the platform of singleness to grow in Christlike femininity also readies me to be a godly wife in the event that I someday get married.
Admittedly, I sometimes take pride in my own qualifications: “I’m spiritually mature,” and “I want to be a stay-at-home mom and serve my husband,” and “I’ve remained sexually pure all of my life.”
Yet the Lord ultimately knows what I need. If God does in fact have marriage in my future, He knows in what ways I am not yet prepared for the spouse He has planned. I have come to see that I must think about my singleness in terms of a space for growth toward Christlikeness. And if that growth is eventually utilized in marriage, so be it.
How can I delight in God?
I’ve also been learning about what it means to delight in the Lord. Paul’s advice in Colossians 3:1 helpful: “seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” If I am to dwell on things that are above, then I must seek God’s character.
Delighting in God requires intentionally turning my heart away from instinctive, human responses—such as bitterness and hopelessness—and choosing to seek things from above. If you are in my situation, nothing will help you more than delighting in God. Not only will your desires reflect God’s, but your character will reflect His also.
So…
When you are tempted to throw your unmet desires out the window, delight in the Lord.
When passivity seems like your only option, delight in the Lord.
When impatience begs you to take things into your own hands, delight in the Lord.
The call was one of the most heartbreaking I’ve had from a grandparent. A much anticipated trip to Disneyland with her two young teen granddaughters had gone terribly wrong. “My daughter has instructed me to return home with my granddaughters, and to not speak with them again,” Joy sobbed. “What am I to do?”
Strained relationships with grown children top the list of grandparenting concerns that I hear. Not all are as tragic as this, but the number of broken relationships in families is significant. Many result in grandparents being torn from their grandchildren or restricted from talking about spiritual things.
What is a grandparent to do in such situations? Above all, remember that your grandchildren need you. Do not abandon them. Here are some specific action steps for a grandparent who is in a broken relationship. Following them will increase the possibility of reconciliation and healing:
1. Never give up. It is easy to become discouraged or intimidated by our grown children or their spouses. A son-in-law or daughter-in-law likely comes from a very different background and family dynamic. It can be tempting for grandparents to take the easy way out and just pull away rather than deal with the drama. And under certain circumstances that may be the wise course for a time. In fact, you may not have a choice in the matter. But, whatever the situation, never stop looking for opportunities to mend fences and reconnect with your children and grandchildren. Remember what is at stake—the grandchildren.
2. Pray. This should not be our last resort. It should be the front line defense and offense against the schemes and lies of the enemy. When Dan was a boy his grandmother told him she was praying for him every day. When he got married and began his family, she reminded him that she had always prayed and was still praying for him every day. Dan says he is convinced his grandmother’s faithful prayers changed the entire trajectory of his life.
It doesn’t matter whether you are in a situation that seems hopeless or not, grandparents on their knees praying for their grandchildren (and adult children) make a difference. Prayer is aligning your heart with the Father’s. We know that the Father is not willing that any of His little ones should perish. Why would we not want to join with Him in that cause?
3. Cultivate a trusting relationship with your grown children. Even though that may seem difficult for some of you, you might begin the journey by adopting a policy of do ask, don’t tell.
Begin by asking yourself a question: “When I was a new parent, would I have wanted my parents’ unsolicited advice about parenting?” Probably not. On the other hand, if your goal is to help them be the best, most successful parents possible (which is probably their goal too), why not ask them how they would like you to help them achieve that goal?
If you’re serious about cultivating a trust relationship, take these practices for a test drive:
Humility: Am I more concerned about my agenda and being right than what is good for my family? Remember that pride and humility cannot coexist. More importantly, God opposes the proud. And God also promises to give grace to the humble (see 1 Peter 5:5). If grace is sufficient for everything, that means even healing broken relationships.
Forgiveness: Forgiveness flows in two directions. One asks for forgiveness for wrongs. Few words are more difficult to utter than these: “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” Sounds a little like humility, doesn’t it?The other direction freely offers forgiveness when wronged. It is easy to talk about forgiveness when you want to be forgiven. It’s another thing when someone has deeply injured you. So, let me ask you, is reconciliation in your family worth the effort to lay aside your pride and hurt … and forgive?
Blessing: Words are powerful whether used to bless or curse. Intentionally speaking well of another—even a daughter-in-law who refuses to let you see your grandchildren—promotes trust and peace. Blessing never goes out of style or loses its power. When you bless, you act as a conduit of God’s grace and truth and that communicates high value, purpose, and personal commitment that says, “I believe in you and value you.”
4. Find appropriate ways to stay connected. Here are some things you can do to maintain a positive relationship with your grandchildren, in spite of the barriers:
For younger grandchildren, use Skype or Facetime to stay connected as much as you can if you are long distance. You might also occasionally send gift packages that have special treats from you, encouraging notes or cards, and some kind of meaningful gift. It could be something you make, something you have in your house, or something you buy that links you and your grandchildren in some unique way.
For grandchildren who are teens and young adults, using technology like texting allows you to send messages expressing encouragement and your interest in them. You can even include a Scripture verse from time to time. Or, why not call them and ask if they would be willing to join you at a local coffee shop just to chat?
Whatever the relationship with your grown children or grandchildren, there’s too much at stake if grandparents are not willing to fight for their grandchildren and adult children. Never stop praying, never stop trying, never give up. God never does.
Editor’s note: Caleb Kaltenbach was raised by lesbian parents and saw firsthand how some Christians treated the LGBT community. But he surprised his family by becoming a Christian himself, and then a pastor. He has a unique perspective of the LGBT issues in the church, and in his book Messy Grace he writes about holding on to the truth of God’s Word while being filled with grace. You can listen to Caleb on a FamilyLife Today® series.
When my mom and her partner, Vera, would take me to parties for people in the local gay and lesbian community, I usually was the only child present. So for me these events could get boring. My mom knew this, and that’s why she would let me go into another room and play video games.
One evening when I was a grade-schooler, I was sitting on the floor of a bedroom in a house where one of these parties was taking place, and I was playing Nintendo by myself. Then someone poked his head around the corner. It was Louis, a young man I had met before who hadn’t spoken too much. He asked me what I was doing.
“Playing video games,” I said without taking my eyes off the screen.
Coming further into the room, he asked, “What game are you playing?”
“Duck Hunt,” I replied. I tell you, those ducks feared me.
Louis said, “I get bored with these parties. Do you mind if I play video games with you?”
And that’s how I got to know Louis.
He traveled in the same circles that my mother and her partner did, and he was at most of the same parties they were. After that first time, he’d often play video games with me and we’d talk. It turned out we liked the same movies, played the same video games, and followed the exploits of some of the same superheroes. He was always smiling and kind to me.
Louis was one of the few friends I had when I was growing up, even though he was an adult. I was about to see my friend face something I could barely comprehend.
News no one wants
One day when I was about 11, my mom took me to my doctor’s office for a routine checkup. And there, sitting in the waiting room, was Louis—he had the same doctor I did. I lit up at the sight of Louis. But I noticed something right away: he looked different. I hadn’t seen him in about six months, and now a lot of his muscle was gone and he was thinner. He had a smile on his face, as usual, but it had faded.
I also noticed that Louis had marks on his forehead that looked like bruises. Maybe he even had a couple of open sores on his skin. These marks hadn’t been there before, or at least I hadn’t noticed them. I tried to ignore them as I walked up to him and gave him a hug.
“Are you feeling okay?” I asked.
Louis looked at me and tears began to well up in his eyes. At that young age, I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what he was getting ready to unload on me. He kept a smile on his face, wiped some of his tears away and said, “Caleb, I don’t know if you know what this means, but I have AIDS.”
This revelation meant nothing to me, but before I could ask what this disease was, a nurse called his name to go in and see our doctor. Louis gave me a thumbs-up as he disappeared behind the door.
I looked over at my mom. She sat there with a stunned look on her face, tears spilling from her eyes. I asked her, “Mom, what’s going on?”
“Not now, Caleb. I’ll talk to you about it in the car.”
At first I thought Louis had something serious but that he would eventually get over it. On our way home from the doctor’s office, however, my mother told me what his sickness would do to him. I began crying and asked my mom why there was nothing anyone could do to save Louis’s life.
She said, “There is no cure. However, there’s one thing we can give him: our support.”
At the other end of the room
I didn’t see Louis for quite a while. When I did, it was the beginning of the next summer, and I had recently arrived in Kansas City for my usual summertime stay with my mom.
I was sitting in my room at Mom’s house, playing video games, when I heard a knock on the door. My mother walked into the room and informed me that Louis had only a few days left to live. That very day, we got in the car and headed over to the hospital to visit him.
What I saw in Louis’s hospital room that day I will never forget. It shocked me.
Louis was lying in a bed, and he had obviously lost even more weight than he had the last time I saw him. He was shivering, and no matter how many blankets the nurses piled on top of him, he could not get warm.
But none of this was the shocking part. What shocked me was his family.
Louis was in a huge room. He lay in a bed at one end of the room, and at the other end were five members of his family. They were about as far away from him as they could possibly be and still share the same room. It was almost as if they were pressed up against the wall, waiting for a firing squad to come. They had their big Bibles out, reading them and discussing what they were reading, but none of them were even paying attention to Louis.
I asked my mom, “Why are they treating him like this? Why aren’t they loving him? Why aren’t they hugging him?”
My mom replied, “Well, Caleb, they’re Christians. You remember what I told you about Christians, right? Christians hate gay people.”
Walking over to the bed, I noticed that Louis had no smile on his face. I told him what he meant to me, then threw my arms around him, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, “Goodbye, my friend.”
The usual smile returned to his face and he said, “I’ll see you later, little brother.”
As best I can remember, his family never said one word to us. During our time there, they didn’t say one word to Louis either. My mom’s words rang through my head:
Christians hate gay people.
Christians hate gay people.
Christians hate gay people.
Jesus touched
Louis’s parents and siblings were afraid to touch him.
Jesus was different.
We read in Mathew 8:2 “A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”
What Jesus did next was socially taboo. Actually, if Jesus wanted to be a good rabbi by His culture’s standards, what He did next could have been career suicide: “Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!'” (Mathew 8:3).
Did you see that word? Touched.
He touched the leper! How in the world could that be? Wasn’t Jesus unclean now? Shouldn’t Jesus have gone outside the city gates for a few days?
The thing is, it wasn’t just a man who touched this leper. It was God Himself. And nothing can make God unclean. God is the one who makes the unclean clean.
But why did Jesus have to touch this man at all? Jesus performed many miracles in different ways, and in some cases Jesus healed without even being around the person. Why in the world did Jesus choose to touch this leper?
I think it was because Jesus knew the man needed it.
Get your hands dirty
While the Old Testament laws that placed the lepers away from the community were for protection, the Pharisees used these laws to treat people poorly. God’s Word should never be a catalyst for us to mistreat those who are different from us.
Sometimes we underestimate the power of touch. Don’t believe me? Go to a nursing home and give a resident a hug. Go up to your crying child and wrap your arms around her. Put an arm around a person who has experienced emotional trauma and see how he reacts. There’s great power in touch. Jesus knew that.
The point of the story of the leper is simple: Love those who are outcast or different from you. Don’t fear, avoid, or push away those who aren’t like you. Love people as God has loved you.
Singer, songwriter, and seven-time Dove Award nominee Sara Groves penned these words in her song, “When It Was Over”:
When it was over and they could talk about it,
They were sitting on the couch.
She said what on earth made you stay here
When you finally figured out what I was all about?
He said I always knew you’d do the right thing,
Even though it might take some time.
She said, Yeah, I felt that and that’s probably what saved my life.
What few fans know is that these lyrics from the album Add to the Beauty testify of Sara’s own marriage to
her husband, Troy. Their seventh year of marriage proved to be a difficult time for them both—bitter and dark. It took Christian counseling, a lot of grace-filled honesty, and a firm foundation from a small-group study they attended as newlyweds to get them through it.
Sara and Troy were just like any newlywed couple at their church. She was a school teacher and Troy worked a regular nine-to-five job selling radio advertisements. They had quite a few friends in their hometown who were involved with FamilyLife, and their newlywed group at church used FamilyLife’s small group study resource called HomeBuilders Couples Series® (now called The Art of Marriage® Connect series) as their curriculum. Both Sara and Troy came from homes with healthy marriages, but they went to the HomeBuilders class knowing that a good marriage was not a guarantee.
For three years, Sara and Troy were submerged in the practical biblical teachings that dealt with a variety of topics from finances to communication. “You don’t really know what you’re going to run into in marriage until you run into it,” Sara says. The young couple would have a fight or Troy would say something insensitive that would badly hurt Sara’s feelings, but the class helped her talk about the situation, and then it wouldn’t seem so bad anymore.
“By the end of the class we had a sense of humor about it.” Troy agrees. The struggles they thought were difficult during the week would become a funny memory when they joined the class each week. “We would come to the group and laugh and laugh and laugh.”
The strain
But then God began to open doors into the music industry. Sara went from being a teacher to singing and performing on a regular basis, and Troy became her manager. “When we started going on the road, we made a list of five objectives, and number one was that our marriage would remain strong,” Troy says. “When we had to make choices, we would ask ourselves if this would be positive or negative for our marriage.”
They were together all the time—home, work, ministry. But Sara says she “was in a real faith crisis … We were both hurting each other.” The fact that they were together all the time seemed to reinforce the things they didn’t like about each other.
Even though Sara knew staying married was the right thing to do, she didn’t want things to be like they were anymore. “I was contemplating leaving, starting over,” she says.
Sara got to the point where all she could see were the daily failures she observed in Troy—though she now realizes that what she considered to be failures were really just disappointments from her own standards of how she thought he should live. “My expectations had become a poison,” Sara says. “There was no way he could live up to what I intended for his life. His weaknesses weren’t bad; they were just weaknesses, just like mine, but I couldn’t see that at the time.”
They had learned through the HomeBuilders studies, however, that marriage was more than a relationship. It was a covenant created by God. They had decided long ago that divorce was not an option.
And their marriage was as much a ministry as their music was. What they did, they did together—a united front for all those people who saw God through their music. “It wasn’t just about the music or the show,” Sara says. That’s when they decided to get help from Christian counselors who specialized in couples in the music industry.
The beginning of healing
The first day of counseling put humanity back into their marriage. They were finally able to lay down the anger and just be honest with each other … about their fears, weaknesses, and disappointments. “It surprised me how quickly anger turned into empathy,” Sara says. “I looked at him in that moment and realized that he’s becoming something in Christ, and that’s a wonderful thing. I had to choose—am I going to be the one nagging and criticizing as he goes through this journey, or the one to see the person he’s becoming and help him?”
It was the beginning of the healing.
Weeks later, when the couple had worked through the majority of their problems, Sara asked Troy, “When I was coming back to my senses, what made you lean into me?” And he responded, “Because I knew you were going to do the right thing.”
“His words gave me strength and courage, knowing that he believed in me to do what was right,” Sara says. At that moment, she was overwhelmed with joy. She knew then that they were going to make it. The love they used to feel was back, “and it was even more because we had weathered the storm,” Sara says.
A firm foundation
Now married for 21 years, Sara attributes their success to what she and Troy learned in those first three years of marriage participating in the HomeBuilders small-group studies. “Doing HomeBuilders wasn’t just a Bible study for new couples,” Sara says. “It was very rich counseling once a week for three years.” Troy agrees. “It was more than just a Bible study or a class,” he says.
Even during the tough times, those principles sustained the couple. Just the resolve to take divorce out of their list of options was a basic theme in the HomeBuilders studies that kept Sara from walking out of her marriage. She knew there had to be a way to work it all out for God’s glory.
Sara also says the small-group studies helped them identify the problems they were dealing with—especially with communication, roles of men and women, and bitterness. “We had a name for it, when others couldn’t fight it because they didn’t know what to call it,” Sara says. Because they could define the issues, they knew how to get help. The couple knew it wasn’t just one person’s problem; they both had to admit their faults and walk with grace.
In a culture of short-lived relationships in which couples give up when faced with problems, Sara and Troy saw how working out their difficulties lead to a stronger bond. Referring to the fairy tales portrayed in romantic/comedy movies, Sara says, “We’re so inundated with ‘Rom-Com’ mentality that we can’t get deeper anymore. The main thing is letting grace abound. Grace is real. We have such an individualistic drive, but we have to have grace on each other. It’s hard work.”
Troy agrees. “Many couples that we grew up with have split up,” he says. “But 20 years ago, we were in that class with 15 other couples, and none of them are divorced or even close. They have good marriages.”
There’s something to be said for starting out your marriage with the foundation of godly principles. “We tell everyone we meet—if your church doesn’t have a newlywed class, grab a mentor and start [The Art of Marriage Connect] class,” says Troy.
One of the most common and significant charges leveled against the traditional Christian understanding of sexuality and marriage is that it is deeply damaging to individuals.
Denying someone’s sexuality is seen as denying who that person really is. It is telling them to repress something central to their identity, and consequently, to their ability to flourish. This is harmful to anyone, but especially to teenagers who are coming to terms with their sexuality while still at a formative stage of their lives. Christians, it is claimed, are to blame for gay teenagers growing up stunted and guilt-ridden, or killing themselves.
This charge has perhaps been made most forcefully by Dan Savage:
The dehumanizing bigotry set forth from the lips of faithful Christians give your straight children a license to verbally abuse, humiliate, and condemn the gay children they encounter at school. They fill your gay children with suicidal despair. And you have the nerve to ask me to be more careful with my words.1
It goes without saying that this is an incredibly serious charge. It is troubling enough that many Christians are beginning to think the traditional understanding must be wrong if it is having this sort of effect on people. Surely anything that results in this kind of self-loathing and despair cannot be the fruit of God’s truth.
The first thing to say in response to this is that there have certainly been instances of young people feeling driven to despair and even suicide in recent years, and attributing their distress to real or perceived pressure from Christian disapproval of homosexuality. This is a real situation. Young people both inside and outside the church are hurting profoundly on this issue.
And who can deny how unspeakably tragic it is that anyone should feel such despair over their own sexuality? Of all people, we Christians should feel most grief at this, knowing as we do the supreme value that God places on all human life. We should care more than anyone when we hear of young people in such torment—especially those growing up in Christian households and part of a local church.
And we must also recognize that some believers have undoubtedly been abusive in their behavior and language toward gay people, and thought that by being like this they were somehow advancing the cause of Christ. But we must also recognize that such behavior is not itself Christian in any way. It comes not by adhering to the message and example of Jesus, but by contradicting it.
But it is not true to say that such personal torment is the inevitable result of traditional biblical teaching on this issue. It is true that the convicting work of the Spirit can be very painful indeed. There is even a kind of self-loathing that can result when God makes us aware of the extent of our own sin (see Ezekiel 36:31). But though the genuine work of God might take us to such a place, it never leaves us there. If we are convicted, it is so that we can be restored. The Spirit breaks us only to put us back together as God intended. Jesus promises that we will find rest and comfort in Him and that “a bruised reed he will not break” (Matthew 11:28-29; 12:20).
It is not the teaching of Jesus that tells you that life is not worth living if you can’t be fulfilled sexually—that a life without sex is no life at all. It is not biblical Christianity that insists someone’s sexual disposition is so foundational to who they are, and that to fail to affirm their particular leaning is to attack who that person is at their core. All this comes not from biblical Christianity but from Western culture’s highly distorted view of what it means to be a human. When an idol fails you, the real culprit turns out to be the person who has urged you to worship it—not the person who has tried to take it away.
The teaching of Jesus does two things: It restricts sex and it relativizes its importance. Jesus shows us that in its God-given context, the value of sex is far greater than we might have realized—and yet even there it is not ultimate. Sex is a powerful urge, but it is not fundamental to wholeness and human flourishing. Jesus showed that both in His teaching and in His lifestyle. After all, Jesus—the most fully human of all people—remained celibate Himself.
The gospel shows us that there is forgiveness for all who have sinned sexually. And the gospel also liberates us from the mindset that sex is intrinsic to human fulfillment. The gospel call that no one need cast all their happiness on their sexual fortunes is not bad news but good news. It is not the path to harm but to wholeness.
Angela was depressed—really depressed. In fact, she was borderline suicidal. She didn’t know why, and her husband, Stuart, was equally puzzled. Their communication and sex lives were practically nil, and Stuart was worried. So he brought Angela in for counseling. He was doing fine, he said—it was she who needed the help.
I insisted that Stuart stay around for the first few sessions—I wanted to get an idea of their history together. After much discussion about various factors in their relationship, I began to find the clues I was looking for.
Stuart had indulged in a short entangled affair with his secretary five years earlier. Both Stuart and his wife vigorously assured me that they had gotten over it long ago.
Yet here was Angela about to end it all, with no apparent cause. I hypothesized to myself that their resolution of the event five years ago left something to be desired, that there still were major factors left unresolved between them.
Buried feelings
Angela claimed that she had forgiven her wayward husband, but I had a hunch that hers had been a surface–only forgiveness and that her depression was the result of buried feelings of hostility toward her unfaithful husband.
After the affair Angela determined to go on as though nothing happened and be a “hero of God’s grace.” She kept a stiff upper lip in their church circle and was viewed as a paragon of virtue. In her heart, however, Angela was dying a slow death. Stuart seemed appreciative of her quick forgiveness—after all, that was his style too: His slogans of “Move on,” “Get over it,” and “Don’t look back” helped him to soon forget it too. He dropped his illicit relationship and arranged for his secretary to be transferred to a distant office, and she resigned rather than move. So all looked well from Stuart’s point of view.
Little did he know that a growing depression was engulfing his wife and beginning to affect her health. When he finally brought Angela in for help, she had very little of herself left to consider her anger at Stuart. In fact, she had almost forgotten the affair. It took some digging to link her feelings of “frustration” with the incredibly swift processing of the betrayal.
Moving toward forgiveness
When Angela finally got angry and both she and Stuart began to grieve, it was like a huge festering sore that had finally been lanced. Their relationship worsened at first as the anger surfaced. But when Angela finally expressed her rage and began to struggle toward forgiveness on the basis of her true feelings, instead of denial, she was able to approach forgiveness. In effect, she was moving toward forgiveness right through her anger, not by going around it. As a result, Stuart developed an entirely new respect for her.
When Angela chose to forgive her husband, Stuart knew it was for real this time, and he could therefore begin to grieve his losses. Angela discovered a whole new person—her real self—to share with her husband. At the end of that long and arduous process, they were able to stand before the congregation and share their testimony of healing without shame.
Stuart, who had begun to feel like a second-class citizen in the church, could finally begin to feel better about himself, because his sin had been fully recognized by the one he had hurt—his wife. The two have a newfound respect for each other, and the children are doing a lot better, too.
But the best part is that they know for certain that they have forgiven one another. As a result, they know that their relationship is growing closer as time goes by, not more distant.
Remember, forgiveness is a process; all the characteristics of genuine forgiveness will not always be present, but they should become increasingly apparent along the journey.
The recovery of intimacy
An entangled affair is always the result of an intimacy deficit in the marital relationship. Whatever personalized components there are in the message of this affair, it still boils down to a loss of intimacy before the affair occurred.
Part of the lure of the affair for an unfaithful spouse was the opportunity to be himself (herself) in his own little private world that he constructed with the partner. He desperately needed that freedom to be himself and be accepted and appreciated. He didn’t feel that he had to pretend or stay within a certain mold, since it was a brand-new world with no rules except those he chose to create with the partner.
Part of the recovery process is to identify what was missing in the marital relationship and repair that loss. You need to rebuild that own special world you had when you were dating and in the early days of the marriage. Everybody needs this special set-apart world—it’s a big part of what makes marriage special.
To continue to rebuild the trust and intimacy in the relationship you will need to integrate the message of the affair into your new way of relating. Following is a four-part integrating process designed to reestablish the intimacy that was crushed by the infidelity. Take each step as you both can handle it, adapting it to your own situation.
Step 1: Review contributing factors
Factors both inside and outside the marriage combined to cause the affair, and it’s helpful to review them.
A special factor to review is the family tree. “Rats don’t have mice” goes a popular saying, and affairs do tend to run in families. I’d wager a guess that there have either been full-blown affairs in your family tree or at least “close calls.” It is imperative that you go back to your parents and grandparents to find out your history.
That “historical research” doesn’t excuse you or your mate’s behavior; it just helps you understand the setting in which it occurred. Knowing your family heritage can help you change it in your generation so that you do not pass it on to your kids. If teenagers (who are beginning to understand adult feelings) can see their parents grieve and rebuild their marriage following the infidelity, that will help them not repeat the cycle when they get married.
Once you’ve surfaced the information (it may take some digging), talk it over with each other. How does the unfaithful spouse feel about it? The spouse? What attitudes were modeled to your young soul as a child that you can identify? Make it a matter of prayer together, and keep talking about it. Make the information yours, not just something you read in a book!
Step 2: Rehearse what drew you together originally.
This is a time to focus on the two of you, on your special history. It’s time to get nostalgic, to remember “the good old days.”
The two of you did not have to choose each other; you were attracted to each other initially for many reasons. Explore that collection of reasons, and identify the various components. Talk about those initial experiences together—the dates you had, the places you went, the things you enjoyed. Review those, because it was during that initial dating stage that you began to trust in each other in the first place.
As you begin to rehearse and redo similar trust-building experiences (I recommend you even go to some of the old haunts again), you will find that your feelings of trust will start to return. You will find that, even though the unfaithful spouse and his or her partner built their own experience together, there is still an overwhelming amount of history that only the two of you share. This is your story.
Many things can help you get in touch with those important memories:
old pictures, photo albums, and scrapbooks
time lines (charts where you list things chronologically)
date lists (write out all the things you did that you both recall)
revisiting the old places—even journeying across the country is helpful (you can take pictures of old haunts and develop your scrapbook, which may have been neglected for a while; in fact, further developing that old book may become a metaphor for this stage of recovery: putting time and energy back into your marriage exclusively)
One of the traumas of recovering from an affair is that the spouse often thinks about the new history that the unfaithful spouse and partner have built together. Even though that is true, the memories of that illicit history will dissipate over the course of time, especially as you begin to reinvest in your relationship. That is exactly why the reconciling couple needs to rehearse and remember what drew them together.
Step 3: Do it differently—rebuild your own special world.
It’s difficult, especially for the spouse, to admit that her husband (or his wife) started to build a special world that excluded her. It’s so repulsive that sometimes the spouse tries to ignore the unfaithful spouse’s need for that world. But it’s better to look at this need squarely and take positive steps toward rebuilding your world together.
Start going out on dates again—find a baby-sitter if you need one and go romance each other again! You’ll both love it, you both need it, and you can make it fun. Try to cast off some of the old patterns (for example, he never wanted to go to the symphony, or she never went hiking), and try doing it differently. Remember, this is a world of your own making, and you can find new freedom as you put your relationship back together again.
Surprise each other with little gifts or notes hidden in the dresser drawer or on the dashboard of the car. You can make these new ways of relating deep (late-night heartfelt talks) or playful (taking your mate on a surprise hot-air balloon ride at dawn) or sexy (fill in the blank here)—anything you two might enjoy. Keep in mind your mate’s love language.
The idea is to rekindle the flame that you once had. With God’s help, your own creativity, and the other suggestions for rebuilding, you can rebuild that special world.
Step 4: Share your intimate self.
It’s standard fare for stand-up comedians, but it’s sad when you really think about it. The guy who, for 30 years of marriage would never think of doing anything but drive the same car slowly and deliberately to work and back, suddenly begins to tool around town with sexy young blondes in a new red Porsche!
Yet caricature differs only slightly from real life: One of the common reports from the spouse in an affair is the complete change in behavior in the unfaithful spouse as expressed with the partner. For example, with the spouse, the unfaithful spouse never talked; with the partner, he talked for hours. With the spouse, he never read poetry, but with the partner, he not only reads it—he writes it! There are dozens of examples: with the spouse, he never took walks, never had barbecues in the park, never spent lazy afternoons in a motel, never bought shiny trinkets for gifts, or planned a rendezvous, but with the partner, he does all those things. It’s comical in one way but sad in another.
Usually the illicit partner sees a very different person in the unfaithful spouse than the spouse had come to see over the many years in the marriage. Yet that side of the unfaithful spouse’s personality needs to be revealed. It is a part of his psyche and of the marriage relationship that the couple has allowed to atrophy.
It is true that different people bring out different sides of our personalities, but an affair so opens up a marriage and the individuals in the marriage that there is almost unlimited access to the psyche of both mates. In affair recovery, we need to take advantage of that unique view into the other’s needs and turn something bad into a growth opportunity.
One of the ways to reveal who you are and how you became that way is to talk nonstop about yourself for 20 minutes. This self-revealing exercise is usually nonexistent in marriages but extremely frequent in affairs. Talking about who you are is part of the central fascination on which the friendship builds in an affair.
At first, individuals are afraid to initiate this kind of activity with their marital partner. They think it’s boring, selfish, or even narcissistic, but it doesn’t have to be. They also may be uncertain about how they will be accepted, or they may suspect that what they say will be used against them.
Resist those fears and try it. Remember, lack of deep communication is usually part of the message of the affair. We all want to reveal who we are, and we all want to be known by someone who loves us and accepts us unconditionally.
Things to talk about
Choose some safe topics. The following list might be helpful:
Your earliest set of memories
Grade by grade in elementary school
My first boyfriend/girlfriend or first date
Happy childhood memories
My birthdays—happy and unhappy
My favorite teacher and all of my memories about him/her
The first time I drove a car
My first car accident or traffic ticket
My first kiss, job, and so on
The favorite child in my family, why he or she was the favorite, how I felt about that, experiences and feelings I shared with him/her
My favorite parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin
All the houses I lived in; my craziest neighborhood friends
All the schools I attended
The longest walk I ever took
The ways I always spent my allowance as a kid
My parents’ favorite sayings and how they used them; which ones I liked and didn’t like
Things that I would have changed if I had been the parent in my family of origin
The favorite year of my life
The age I would like to remain forever
Any others you think of
All of those experiences have feelings attached to them. Share with your mate how those subjects made you feel. That is the part that is important to tell at this point in your relationship. Facts are helpful; perceptions are important; but feelings are crucial to reestablishing intimacy. Feelings form the core of intimacy—that special closeness that assures you that, although your mate knows you and sees inside of you, he/she still loves you and accepts you completely.
One of the best ways to do this exercise is for each mate to take turns on successive days talking about himself or herself. The wife might do it one day; the husband the next.
Final words to the spouse
You have every right to feel overwhelmed, out of control, enraged, and practically crazy when the affair is disclosed. Don’t put the pain away too quickly; take your time to finish the process as outlined in these pages.
Remember that Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane took all the time that was available between the Last Supper and His arrest to work on the terrible emotional upheaval He was experiencing. Taking time is healthy. You don’t want to make decisions relating to others until you have worked through your own turmoil in this most important of crises.
Now that the affair has been disclosed, you know the truth. For the first time, your relationship has the potential for genuine intimacy. You will have to work through the entire recovery process. So get started. You might be pleasantly surprised.
As you and your mate restructure the intimacy in your marriage, realize that it’s going to be two-steps-forward, one-step-backward progress. Much turmoil will remain to be dealt with.
Difficult days still lie ahead. But keep this thought firmly in mind: you are in the process of recovery. It won’t happen overnight; in an ultimate sense you’ll never be completely over the affair. Trauma always changes people, and it should.
Looking back
The affair and recovery will change both of you, and as a result will change your relationship. One unfaithful husband had this to say upon looking back at his recovery:
I never thought Carole could forgive me. But today our relationship is stronger than ever. I thank God for pulling us through, using Christian counseling and supporting friends to help us restore our precious relationship. I’m especially grateful for the difficult circumstances that made me face something ugly in myself: that I was seeking personal fulfillment in sex. What a foolish strategy that was. I didn’t need a change in partners; I needed to change myself! As a result of my realization and her forgiveness, today Carole and I enjoy a closeness I would have thought impossible before the affair.
The fact that that husband can give such a testimony after suffering through months of uncertainty and turmoil in his marriage warms my heart like no other words.
If you’re willing to wade into the deep waters, God will help you put the pieces of your broken relationship back together. You can survive—even thrive—in the wake of infidelity. And I pray that you’ll try, starting today.
My wife, Angela, and I have the great privilege to speak at FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® marriage getaways. Many of the couples who come to these events have healthy marriages and are just attending for encouragement or a tune-up. But we’ve also observed another trend: At each getaway, we have noticed that there are always people who don’t want to be there.
In this group, some are there at the request (or maybe demand) of their spouse. A woman once confided in me that she had really messed up. I asked what she meant, and she replied, “My husband would have never come to this conference so I told him we were going clubbing.” With wide eyes, I said, “Clubbing? Wow. How did that go?” I can’t actually repeat what she said next, but the gist of it was “He’s not happy!”
And sadly, there are also couples who are at the absolute end of their rope. Last year, I met a couple who had been married for 56 years and showed up with divorce papers in hand. Even though these couples have gone to the trouble of coming, they don’t really want to be there because they have no expectation that the getaway will actually help.
These couples have given up hope that anything can change. But I think one of the main reasons why is that they’ve been focusing all their efforts on treating the symptoms without realizing there is an underlying disease they are ignoring. They haven’t diagnosed the real problem in their marriage.
A single disease is curable, but if you only see the 20 symptoms the disease is producing, the idea of combatting all those symptoms can feel overwhelming. So how can you sort through the symptoms and diagnose the disease? Here are six suggestions.
1. Pray together. It sounds simple and maybe even silly to some. It sounds intimidating and overwhelming to others. But we wouldn’t be afraid to talk to a doctor if we needed a diagnosis for a physical illness, and we shouldn’t be afraid to humble ourselves and ask the ultimate Doctor for help in diagnosing a relational illness.
2. Acknowledge the symptoms. Approach this like a brainstorming session—nothing is immediately shot down. Making a list like this is neither easy nor fun. Symptoms can be painful and difficult to nail down. We can be tempted to dismiss them as normal, avoid them for the sake of peace, or come at our spouse like a wrecking ball. But this is a necessary step in diagnosing what is really going on in our marriage.
The first time Angela and I went to counseling, I naively said, “I’m sure there are issues with me, but if we only have one hour, we probably need to focus on her.” By the end of the session, though, we had identified a myriad of symptoms, and it was glaringly obvious that I was a big contributor to the main disease.
3. Listen to your spouse. When it comes to preserving marital harmony, perception is reality. If your spouse sees something as a problem, it’s a problem. Let’s go ahead and take “wrong” and “right” off the table. The goal is to understand each other, not to be right or to compete with each other.
I know a man whose wife was battling depression. He kept trying to use reason to talk her out of her feelings. All he accomplished, though, was making her feel irrational and more isolated on top of depressed. She finally told him, “Here’s the deal. I’m in a terrible boat, and I just want you to get in the boat with me.” So the husband climbed aboard. He ceased the reasoning and began to listen, and the boat stabilized.
4. Identify the disease. Once there is a list of symptoms, look for common denominators. Do multiple issues stem from one place? Another way to ask this is, “What is the real issue?” Does your wife get angry when you leave your clothes out and come home late? Maybe what’s really going on is that she doesn’t feel loved. Does your husband complain about the state of the house, but his real frustration is coming from the bedroom? Maybe it’s an even deeper issue of him not feeling respected in the relationship.
Ask why this issue makes you frustrated. The “why” is more important than the “what.” The “what” is just the symptoms, but the “why” is the root cause. A list of 20 symptoms might boil down to just two primary causes.
5. Take a weekend to get away and process. Get away from the stress of your world. Get away from the job, the house, the kids, and especially the phone. Turn on auto-respond and hit the do not disturb button. Go to a hotel, a cabin, the beach, the mountains, or even a Weekend to Remember getaway. The most helpful part of these events is leaving outside stress and being intentional. Consider it doctor-ordered bed rest.
6. Seek help. We would never try to tackle a medical disease on our own, so why would we try to tackle a serious marriage problem on our own? We all need help, and help comes in many forms. It could be a trained counselor, a gifted pastor, or a loving friend. You aren’t the only one with problems. It may take some pride swallowing, but it’s worth it. Seek help.
There is hope
When we were in our 20s, my wife was diagnosed with cancer. We had only been married for three years, and she had just given birth to our first child five weeks before. We felt like someone had kicked our legs out from under us.
But we simultaneously felt hope. We now understood the source of all these weird symptoms and could finally address the underlying disease.
The same is true in marriage. If we only focus on the symptoms, we will be confused and frustrated. Even if we manage to fix the problems associated with one symptom, another one can pop up because we still have not dealt with the root issue.
Hearing a diagnosis isn’t fun, but it is necessary. When we can focus our efforts on eradicating the disease, then there is hope.
Editor’s note: In this article, Sheila Gregoire addresses wives in troubled marriages and helps them consider when they need outside help to deal with a husband’s behavior. This advice also applies to husbands who are dealing with a wife’s sinful and dangerous behavior.
We all sin. Maybe we gossip too much or we’re prideful or we watch some inappropriate movies. I’m certainly not saying that you should run to other people every time you see your husband commit a sin. Imagine if he did that to you!
But sometimes a sin is so big that it can’t be ignored. When a spouse is endangering his or her relationship with the family and with God, something must be done.
What do you do if your husband is doing something that is seriously jeopardizing his peace with God—and with his family? Well, God tells us in Mathew 18:15-17:
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” If they still refuse to listen even to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
You talk to him first, and if that doesn’t work, you go and get two others to talk to him, and if that still doesn’t work, you talk to the church.
I know it’s scary to ask for help. It requires humility to tell someone else that your marriage is messed up. It’s even harder if you’re in ministry or your husband is in ministry. But let’s not forget the bigger picture: What does it help to gain the whole world, but lose your soul (Mathew 16:26)? So let me outline five things I commonly see in marriages that warrant outside intervention.
1. Affairs. If your husband is having an affair, you need to get help. If he has been flirting with other women on Facebook or pursuing an emotional relationship with someone else, you may also need outside help to talk through issues and provide accountability for him. And because affairs are so painful to recover from, you’ll need someone, perhaps a counselor, to walk through the healing process with you too.
2. Abuse. If your husband is physically abusing you, please get out and call the police at once. Abuse should never be tolerated. Submission doesn’t mean that you allow someone to mistreat you. Real submission points people to God; it does not enable sin. But what if the abuse isn’t physical—what if it’s verbal or emotional? And how can you tell the difference between verbal abuse and just a normal fight in marriage?
If you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells constantly to prevent your husband from blowing up, there is likely a deep problem in your marriage. If he regularly calls you names, belittles you, or criticizes you, there is something seriously wrong. Unfortunately, many pastors don’t know how to handle this type of abuse, but counselors can often identify it. If you fear you may be in an abusive situation, please seek out a counselor.
3. Addictions. All types of addictions—financial, emotional, physical—can wreak havoc with your husband’s ability to be completely present for the family. We’re used to hearing about the dangers posed by chemical dependencies, like drug and alcohol problems. Yet pornography, video game, and gambling compulsions can also be harmful. If you feel that your husband is no longer able to function well in his daily life because of his dependence on something mood-altering, seeking help is the best course of action.
4. Sexual refusal. Is sex almost nonexistent in your marriage? Usually when it’s the man who withdraws from sex, porn is involved. Sometimes, though, sexual withdrawal is caused by major psychological and emotional damage. Maybe there are homosexual tendencies, or maybe your husband has pushed down his sexuality so that he becomes passive and asexual. He could also be embarrassed or disheartened by issues like erectile dysfunction or low testosterone.
If a spouse rejects sex, he is specifically rejecting community, as well as rejecting a huge part of himself. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5:
The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NIV, 1984)
Sex is not an optional part of marriage, and yet too many of us are living in sexless marriages, thinking we can do nothing about it.
Sexual refusal can’t be ignored, and a person who has become asexual must be confronted and told, “You need to get counseling or see a doctor.” Nothing is wrong with having psychological trauma or physical issues; there is something wrong with refusing to deal with things.
5. Financial endangerment. I received an e-mail from a wife recently who said, “For the last four years my husband has refused to work. When he did work he often called in sick and was always searching out ways to apply for disability. Now he just sits at home and plays video games all day. We lost our house, and I’m working two part-time jobs to try to pay the bills, plus keeping the house clean and doing his laundry. He won’t work! What do I do?”
A man who refuses to provide for his family also needs Christians to come alongside him and encourage him firmly to act responsibly. The same would be true for a spouse who is consistently getting the family deep into debt with spending. Sometimes a man may not actually be lazy; he may be struggling with debilitating depression or psychological trauma, which saps his drive to do much of anything. Even if laziness isn’t the issue, the underlying cause still needs to be addressed for the family’s health and for the husband’s health.
Who do I ask for help?
The passage in Mathew 18 does not say, “Tell all your friends and ask their advice,” or “Go running to your parents.” It does say to tell two or three believers—and only two or three—initially. I’d suggest talking to a couple you respect, who you know can keep things confidential, and who can come to your house and listen to both sides of the story and hold you accountable. A couple is ideal because you’ve got another male who can exert influence on your husband and a woman who can help you find a healthy perspective. If that isn’t feasible or you have no one to ask, then I’d talk to a pastor or a counselor.
I needed to hear from God stat. My world had caved in all around me, and I felt like I was in a deep abyss searching for any amount of guidance I could find. The consequences of my husband’s actions were being hurled at me with a force that knocked my breath and hope away. I had a decision to make. And I worried that if I took too long to make it I would waste more of my life than I felt had already been wasted by the so-called man of my dreams.
The decision? Whether or not to get a divorce. The thought of being divorced was more than I could fathom. But staying with a man who had repeatedly broken my heart and my trust was also unimaginable.
Yet I kept moving forward toward reconciliation even though there was very little in me that believed it to be possible. Yes, people around me were telling me to have faith, and while I knew they were right, my heart didn’t seem to get the memo. My faith walk hit a fork in the road: either I believed what I said I believed my entire life or I didn’t.
Because I was unsure, I decided to go toward the path of believing God, because the alternative seemed too hopeless to bear. I read and reread the verses in the Bible that say God does the impossible. And I personally had seen a few impossible scenarios in my life unfold toward the possible. I held on to these assurances as uncertainty threatened to drag me deeper into the abyss.
Even though I had allowed divorce to enter my list of options, I still pursued God and pleaded with Him daily to show me His path. I know that though God hates divorce, He allows it in my situation according to Matthew 19. Still, just because I had the right to divorce didn’t mean I had to. And that’s where I was stranded. That was the huge, life-changing choice I had to make, and I desperately needed to hear from God to make it.
Seeking a word from God
I lived in an ongoing state of confusion for those few weeks and was thankful to receive amazing, godly advice from others. I had wise people surrounding me and praying for me. I had the support of my pastor, his wife, our mentors, our family, and our ministry team. They didn’t kick us to the curb; they embraced us, wept with us, and prayed for us.
But I needed a word from God.
Not an audible, bust-through-the heavens kind of voice, but a still, small voice that gently and persistently told my heart that He was near and He had a plan for my mess of a life. Have you ever been there? On your knees and pleading for the powerful whisper that would let you know without a doubt that God was speaking?
I wanted a word from His Word to stand on. I had been on this journey with God long enough to know that everything around me would fade, wither, and go away (Isaiah 40:8), but God’s Word would hold strong and never diminish. So for three weeks my prayer was, God I need a word.
I became so desperate to hear from God that I took off for my home state of Texas to get a new perspective. My oldest son, Noah, and I spent some time with my mom before I headed down to San Antonio so see another friend. I planned to stay Friday night through Sunday morning because I wanted to attend my friend’s church before returning to my mom’s house.
But when I got to my friend’s place I learned that her pastor was out of town and would not be leading the service. To say I was discouraged would be putting it mildly. I loved her pastor and found myself thinking that he would be the one to give me what I needed to hear. I almost chose not to attend because of this news. But then I decided to go. And I am so glad that I did.
On that day, Sunday, March 10, 2002, He delivered that word. Not once, but twice on the same day by two different people who did not know each other or know me. The word, you ask? Habakkuk 2:3: “The revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it lingers, wait for it; it will certainly come and not delay.”
Now you might be wondering why in the world God spoke to me through a minor prophet named Habakkuk. Most people don’t know this book in the Bible, and when they get to it they certainly can’t pronounce it. Why not Jeremiah or Isaiah? Or why didn’t He show me something through the apostle Paul? Not only that, but how did He speak through that verse? Well, I will explain it to you, but it may not make much sense.
You see, this was God’s specific word to me at this time in my life for my situation. I believe that with all my heart. And upon hearing Him speak through His Word, I felt as if God was standing right behind me with one hand on my shoulder and the other pointing out into a future that was muddied to me but profoundly clear to Him.
It was as if He was saying, I know you don’t see the road ahead or how I can make this better. But I can, and I will. The final part of that divine interaction with the Creator of the universe rested in His concluding question: Do you trust Me?
And there it was. The question that haunted me and thrilled me at the same time. The faithful part in me wanted to shout a huge, loud YES! But the fearful part of me knew if I said yes then that truly meant trusting God and staying in a broken marriage, since trusting my husband was not an option. I spent the next several hours that Sunday afternoon wrestling with God over that.
This would literally mean walking in blind trust for the rest of my life, because even though my husband confessed his sin, repented of his sin, and wanted freedom from the bondage that tied him up for two decades, he could fall. I knew in my heart that he didn’t want to cheat on me again, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t capable of doing it. He most certainly was. We all are, actually.
My friend and one of the women who shared the word with me had just finished praying over me before I headed back to my mom’s house. When they were finished, I sat there silently before the Lord and simply said, Lord, I trust You.
And immediately the peace of God that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7) did just that. I do not understand what happened in the spiritual realm when I said that. I cannot describe to you what covered me in that moment. I cannot fathom the transformation that was occurring the second I tapped out of my wrestling match with God.
All I know is, I was hopeless and scared one minute and completely at peace and trusting the next. It was as if God then said, Thank you, Cindy. I’ve got this.
Chris and Cindy Beall talk openly about Chris’s one-time porn addiction and multiple affairs on FamilyLife Today®. Cindy shares how she forgave him and explains how she learned to trust Chris after he owned up to his secret life.
I was standing outside our church one Sunday morning. I was feeling good—we just finished a powerful service, and I was getting revved up for the final one. In fact, I was already looking forward to the afternoon when I would do what pastors do on Sunday afternoon … take a nap.
Then I saw my wife, Ann, speeding into the parking lot. She whipped the car into a prime parking spot close to front doors, jumped out with our sons Austin and Cody, and walked up. “Hi, honey,” she said. “Look at the parking spot that God gave me today!”
There was only one little problem. At Kensington Church, we save the best parking spaces for our visitors. We even have new members raise their right hand when joining our church and state that they will now take the worst parking spots in the lot and leave the closest spots for those who are new to Kensington.
Immediately I said to Ann, “Move the car now.”
“I’m not moving the car,” she declared. “God gave me that spot.”
I couldn’t believe it. Who did Ann think she was, violating one of the core principles of our church! “Move the car now, or I’ll move it!” I ordered.
All this time I was welcoming people to the church with a fake smile on my face. But I was getting more heated by the moment. “Austin, take the keys and move the car now!”
Ann jumped in front of our son and said, “He is not moving the car!”
She was a pastor’s wife … what kind of example was she setting? Finally, I yelled—if it’s possible to yell while whispering, since people were walking past us—”I’ve got to go preach. You move that car, and you move it now!”
By the time I got home, Ann was hot—like molten lava. I walked into the kitchen and her first words were, “I can’t believe you told me to move.”
Time to rumble.
“I was late getting to church,” she said. “God gave me that great spot by the front door and I took it with gratitude.”
“God did not give you that spot!”I replied. Maybe I needed to help her learn a proper theology of how God works in everyday affairs.
We didn’t scream at each other like in the past, but it got pretty raucous. As we circled the kitchen island, verbally jabbing at each other, our 14-year-old son Cody was sitting at the kitchen table and listening. “Hey, Dad,” he said, “don’t you and Mom travel around the country teaching couples how to resolve conflict? Is this what you teach them?”
A wise man would have listened to those timely words. Unfortunately, that was not me.
“You sit right there and I will show you how to resolve conflict!” I replied, and I went right back after Ann. She needed to know how wrong she was.
Finally, Ann walked out of the kitchen and headed upstairs. I gave Cody a look that said, I’m not sure what just happened, but it doesn’t look good for either of us.
A word from God
In the quiet of that room, I had a few minutes to think, and I invited God to join this situation. Up to this point I really hadn’t cared what God thought … and honestly I didn’t want to know. Yet as I sat there full of anger and self-righteousness, I knew that I hadn’t handled this situation correctly. I needed another perspective and knew in my heart that I needed to hear from God.
So I took a deep breath and asked God to speak to me. And what I heard was one word: Listen.
About 15 minutes later Ann came back downstairs and stood at the doorway to our kitchen. It was just Cody and me sitting there. She looked at me and said these words which I will never forget: “I go to church every week all by myself because you are there early and stay late. I do everything around this house because you are constantly working at all your jobs in ministry. I mow the yard. I paint the kitchen. I snowboard just to be with you and our sons. I wakeboard just to be with you and the boys.”
At this point Cody gave me a look that said, Dad, I hate to tell you, but you’re toast.
Ann continued: “I cook and clean and wash the cars and take care of this house because you are rarely around. I sit alone in church every week while you stand on stage and preach. And if I get a chance one time to park by the front door at church, then I’m going to take it!”
I just sat there. I could feel Cody’s eyes boring into my soul, wondering what Dad was going to say.
I asked Ann, “Is this about you not feeling like a priority? Do you feel like Kensington is more important to me than you are?” She nodded yes.
Boom! God had told me to listen, and here it was—a moment that could change our lives and our legacy. God was speaking to me about my life and my priorities.
In the past, I would have argued with Ann about how she felt. I would have told her that of course she was my highest priority and that she was wrong to feel anything different than that. In my heart, Kensington wasn’t anywhere near as important to me as Ann was.
But it didn’t matter what I thought. She felt neglected and that was her reality. As Cody watched—and I’m glad he got to see the whole thing from start to finish—I walked across the kitchen floor and held Ann. I said, “I am truly sorry for yelling at you today. I am sorry that you feel that my job is more important to me than you are. You are more important to me than anything else in my life apart from God. But if you don’t feel that way then I am living wrong. I am too busy with Kensington and I need to look at my schedule and make the adjustments needed to reflect my priorities. Let’s look at that today.”
And we did find some ways to improve our situation. One of our big changes was to begin meeting each other for lunch each week. As Ann told a group of athletes’ wives that she leads, “I need a special alone-with-my-husband time once a week, in a place where we can connect, and that makes me feel like I’m a priority. I don’t need for him to be there every day. We’ve figured out over time what I need and what he needs.”
The values of my church are still important to me. But if I communicate to my wife that she’s not as important to me as our church, I’ve failed. The most important person in my life—second only to God—is my wife. That has to be reflected in our calendar, our money, our values.
And by the way, Ann hasn’t parked in that spot again …
Two ears and one mouth
James 1: 19 tells us, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” If you’ve ever heard two people arguing, you know how revolutionary these words are. Most people in a conflict are just the opposite—slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to become angry.
There’s probably a reason we have two ears and one mouth. That’s the ratio that works best in conflict—if we listen twice as much as we speak. Instead, all we think about is our own arguments, comebacks, and rebuttals. In fact, this biblical command to be “slow to speak” is especially important for those with strong verbal skills. Just because you can outtalk your spouse in an argument doesn’t mean you’re in the right.
Shut up and listen! Often I realize I need to turn off my phone, turn off my laptop, turn off the TV. I need to look my wife in the eyes and listen to what she has to say. Often there’s something deeper she’s trying to communicate. She may not say it perfectly, and she may say it in anger. If I truly listen and ask God to give me understanding and discernment, I might get to the real root of the issue.
I realized during my argument with Ann that it was never about a parking spot. This was about Ann feeling loved by me. Feeling cherished by her man. The parking spot was what God used to show me how whacked my schedule had become. I always said what every Christian man says about their priorities—God first, family second, and job third. But these were just words—they were not what I was living.
And sadly, this wasn’t the first time we had argued about my priorities. For decades I never really heard her. When she said, “You’re never home … I feel like I’m alone raising the boys” I felt like she was needy and didn’t appreciate what I was doing. Didn’t I need to work and provide for my family? Why didn’t she appreciate that?
Finally, I began to discern what she was really saying, and I was so stupid I couldn’t hear it. She was saying, “I don’t feel like I’m a priority in your life.” Which made her feel unloved, and she responded by not showing respect for me. We were caught in what Emerson Eggerichs calls the “crazy cycle.” As he writes in his book, Love and Respect, a woman’s number one need is to feel cherished and loved, and a man’s number one need is to feel respected. If a wife doesn’t feel loved by her husband, she reacts by not showing respect for him. Then he responds to that lack of respect by not loving her.
Ann and I were caught in that cycle and couldn’t break out until I finally began to shut up and ask God to give me ears to hear.
Have you ever visited an American Embassy while traveling in a foreign country?
You can’t miss it: Old Glory flaps proudly in the overseas air. As you walk through the gates, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and other national hero paintings welcome you “home.” It’s familiar, and it’s also safe. Once on the embassy’s soil, you are governed by the laws of your home country.
If you were traveling, you’d head to the American Embassy for help; the staff are there to ensure American citizens are protected and cared for fairly and appropriately in a faraway land. What a comfort to be cared for by such a kind embassy.
Did you know that your home is to be an embassy too?
In this weary and wavering land, Paul exhorts us to be ambassadors for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20). That isn’t just a command for when we’re in the workplace or out running errands. It’s a definition of who God has designed us to be.
And that makes your home an embassy.
We belong to another time, another place, another King
Do you realize that your home may be one of your best opportunities to reach and influence people for Christ? So many people today are longing for a place where they are loved and encouraged. A place where they feel comfortable and not judged. Your home can be that place.
Yet too often we wait to invite others into our home—until the rooms are clean, a meal is ready, the children are well-behaved, or we have free time. We must remember that our homes do not belong to us. They are given to us by God to steward well for His purposes. Instead of waiting for the right moment to entertain, we need to expect God to use our homes to put Him on display in the “dailyness” of life to anyone who enters.
Your home is an embassy of the kingdom of heaven in this world where we temporarily dwell. Though you are American, you are first and foremost a follower of Jesus Christ, a child of the King. We really belong to another time, another place, another King. While some days it’s hard to focus on the eternal and invisible, it’s more important than ever to root ourselves in a security that will last forever.
Just like the American Embassy waves the flag to declare safety and comfort within, we need signs and sounds and recipes and attitudes that declare the haven of our homes as an Embassy of the King. When the UPS man delivers, when neighbors stroll the streets, when guests are invited over, we want them to know that we aren’t just another family. We are a family who belongs to Yahweh, and are committed to using our home, lives, and resources to make Him known.
Here are five ways to make your home this kind of embassy:
1. Practice hospitality.
Simple hospitality goes a long way in our modern world. Create the space to allow international students, a transitioning family, a youth intern, out of town friends, or even total strangers a place to stay as needed (check out couchsurfers.com or AirBNB.com for some ways to broaden your horizons on those to whom you show hospitality). Hospitality shows guests much more than generous and friendly treatment; your kindness ultimately shows them Jesus.
Consider Dave and Lida, empty nesters who own a four-bedroom home. They keep their extra bedrooms clean and ready to be filled with whoever might need them. Their town is known for a certain type of medical treatment that families travel across the country for. Dave and Lida heard of a patient who was traveling frequently to the local treatment center, so they offered the patient and his family a free stay in their home for the duration of his treatments. They haven’t cured his sickness or paid off his medical bills, but they’ve given him shelter, food, rides, friendship—home—in the middle of very difficult times.
2. Love your neighbors.
Here’s a test: You get home from a long day of work, pull into the garage, and put your car in park. Then what? Do you immediately hit that garage door button to close the door? Sounds silly, but what if you left it open?
Are you making room and time to say hello to those living around you? Instead of sitting in front of the TV after dinner, take a slow stroll down your street. Say hello to everyone you pass.
Don’t hide behind your backyard fence. Let your kids play in the driveway and front yard too; invite the neighbor kids over to play in your yard. Make friends with those living on your street. Trade lawn responsibilities when someone is out of town, collect mail, roll their trashcan out to the curb.
One family, new to the neighborhood, hosted a cul-de-sac cookout when they moved onto their street. It was so much fun that their neighborhood continued with Bunco night, summer cookouts, Halloween game night, and even a neighborhood carnival.
Loving your neighbors can be so easy because you really do life next door to each other. The possibilities are endless. Commit to doing life together.
3. Keep an open-door policy for anyone who needs a listening ear.
I’m inspired by a woman I saw in an online video who sees her home as an embassy. She says she is always prepared for anyone who might stop by. She sees her home as a hideaway any time of day or night for anyone in need. Some friends and family call ahead to schedule their visits; others drop by unannounced when the day gets too long and too hard without the support of a friend. The homeowner claims that the drop-ins are the best visits because she knows how dire the need is and she cannot fake and fluff everything before the visitor arrives. That is where authentic connection and encouragement play out. Fully unprepared for these visits, she must rely solely on the Holy Spirit’s leading, as she listens and consoles her friend.
Maybe you leave your mornings open and unscheduled after the kids are off to school. Maybe you could keep a pitcher of tea always ready to be poured. Maybe it’s a nook in your house set up with two conversation chairs. Consider ways that you can intentionally create space in your busyness to be available for a friend who needs a listening ear and a comrade to pray with.
4. Decorate with meaningful truth.
Deuteronomy 6 instructs believers to keep God’s words and commands ever before us: “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, you shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Essentially, you need signage that tells other people who your house belongs to. Ever Thine Home®, FamilyLife’s holiday and home collection, was birthed for this purpose.
As women we want our homes to be beautiful and warm places to nurture our families. But as believers we know we need more than simply beauty on our walls; we need meaningful truth displayed all around our homes. The versatile pieces created by Ever Thine Home help you to believe beautifully, even in the messy monotony of home life. Instead of an abstract art piece, hang a plaque that declares, “The Lord is my strength and my shield. In him my heart trusts and I am helped” (Psalm 28:7).
But the decorations are not just for visitors. Might they be a declaration to us too, as homeowners, as citizens of America—but even more as citizens of the King.
Display something similar to the Embassy plaque in your entryway so that seeing the declaration reminds you that, at the end of a tiring day as a stranger in a foreign land, you can breathe a sigh of relief. You’re coming home to a place of safety and refuge, a place warmed and permeated by the presence of our true King. You need visual pieces that shout to you and your guests: Here’s who you are. Don’t forget. I’m your God; you’re my people.
5. Host small-group gatherings.
Sure, the church and community buildings have plenty of meeting space, but consider inviting friends into your home instead. Relationships will grow immensely and authentically with even a few hours spent together at someone’s house.
Rob and Teresa had this in mind when they shopped for a home. They purchased one with a large, open living room and bought a smart flat screen for streaming video studies, photos, and YouTube to enhance small-group experiences. They use their home for community, especially for pre-marital mentoring with young couples. Instead of meeting at a restaurant or coffee shop, each week of mentoring begins with a home-cooked meal in their home. The young couples find enrichment from the study but also from seeing them interact transparently in their home.
Try it. Next time you’re planning a gathering, birthday party, or family event, take the initiative to open your home. It doesn’t mean you have to do all the work; you can still ask others to bring a dish or help clean up. It simply means you’re willing to initiate authentic relationships with those on the guest list.
No perfect formula
Your home is an embassy of the King. There are countless ways to love those around you in the setting of your home, but there’s not a perfect formula. Even the smallest strides toward declaring your home a representation and refuge that represents our King will honor the One who has provided your family with a residence able to serve Him through serving others.
Editor’s Note: As her daughters began their married lives, Barbara Rainey wanted to share some of the lessons she learned throughout her own marriage as well as those gleaned from years of ministry to couples. In these heartfelt, insightful letters that eventually evolved into the book Letters to My Daughters: The Art of Being a Wife, she answers the tough questions and addresses the realities of marriage. Enjoy this excerpt from the book and visit TheArtofBeingaWife.com for more information.
Dear Mom, You’ve always been such a good helper for Dad, and I know he’s always appreciated that in you. But I’m finding that when I try to help the Hubs, all I get is push back. What am I doing wrong?
Dear girls, One winter evening early in our marriage, we went to a church where my new husband had been asked to speak. I remember sitting near the front, feeling proud of him, because I genuinely thought he did a great job. But I also noticed a few mistakes, mostly grammatical errors that I’d never noticed in everyday conversation. On the drive home he asked what I thought about this speaking, and I told him I was impressed, that I felt he communicated clearly and effectively.
Then it was quiet for a few minutes as we continued driving home. In the silence I rehearsed what I wanted to say, took a deep breath, and said, “Do you mind if I mention something I think you could correct?”
He said he’d be grateful if I did. I was immensely relieved. I had taken a risk with my young husband and had no idea if he would feel attacked or put down. My motive was to help him improve. I wanted to be his ally, his helper in a practical sense. By asking permission to be heard, he understood my motives and intentions were for his good.
Each of you has strengths your husband doesn’t have. He needs what you bring to the relationship, but the key is in how you use your strengths to help. It takes a bit of wisdom and skill to help in a harmonious, nonthreatening way. Don’t bail on trying to figure it out if you run into some trouble up front.
A life-and-death crisis
I know you all remember the story of Esther. One of our favorite bedtime storybooks was a beautifully illustrated version about the orphan girl who won a beauty pageant and became queen of Persia. This woman, who lived millennia ago, married a man who did not know her God, which makes her story even more instructive. Esther lived out Paul’s later instruction to wives to “be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the work, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives” (1 Peter 3:1, NASB).
Early in their marriage, Esther’s husband, the king, had some cabinet members who manipulated him with some very bad advice. Unbeknownst to him, the result was going to send Esther to her death, along with every other Jewish person in Persia.
This piece of the story is a reminder that our husbands can make decisions that bring us unintentional harm. No man, even a king who has abundant resources and advisors, will avoid making some bad decisions. Marriage is risky business.
The crescendo of the story is Esther’s response. Upon the wise and godly advice of her cousin, who adopted her and raised her, Esther began praying. She also fasted and called on her friends to join with her. The situation was a life-and-death crisis, and it demanded an equally dramatic and serious approach.
When I think about what Esther must have felt, considering her own imminent death along with the entire Jewish race, I’m amazed that she did not panic and dash off to the throne room crying and screaming. Many of us wives, had we been in her shoes, would have panicked and screamed, “How could you have done this? What stupidity! Do you not see what is about to happen because of your edict?”
Don’t most of us feel like doing that when our husbands make decisions that hurt us? When your dad announces to me that he just booked another trip that I must attend only because I’m “the wife,” I have felt angry, not valued, as though his agenda is always more important than mine. I have not always handled this well, and Dennis would heartily agree.
The struggle of responding well
Every wife knows those flash points in her marriage where her husband has created a situation that feels like a crisis or is in fact a stressful circumstance—whether it is intentional or unintentional. It could be a small thing that feels huge, like perpetual tardiness; or a truly big thing, like consistently missing the deadline for paying bills, leading to the electricity being cut off. Every marriage struggle is unique, but the struggle of responding well is common to all wives.
Esther was far wiser than I. Instead of overreacting, she invited her husband to a very nice dinner she’d prepared. On the following day, again over food (don’t we all feel more ready to tackle hard stuff when we’ve been well fed?), she asked permission to inform the king that he had made a big mistake. She was asking to correct him.
Let’s be clear: It was very risky to challenge the king of Persia. As in, he could’ve immediately had her beheaded. But her cautious and calm attitude and actions demonstrated to her husband that she was not a threat, she was not against him; instead, she honored him. She showed wisdom and a heart that trusted God’s sovereignty over all when she said, “If I perish, I perish.”
When Esther asked her husband for the privilege of being heard, she communicated respect for him as a man and as a leader. I learned that myself in that first year of marriage when I asked my husband if I could offer corrections that would help him be a better communicator. He felt my respect, from all the kudos I gave him for the great job he did. He saw my offer to help as an asset, not a condemnation.
Again, the heart of the matter was, and still is, my attitude. He will know if you are for him or if you are against him in how you approach him. And it has to be real, dear daughters, not an act. It has to be something we’ve gotten straight in our own hearts.
Remember in the crises that will come:
Don’t panic or overreact.
Ask, “Can I talk to you about something?” before bringing something difficult or potentially threatening to him.
Pray for wisdom to speak in words he can hear and absorb.
May you each be like my friend Esther, with hearts that trust the sovereignty of God and not the fears that threaten to overwhelm. It will be music to your husband’s ears.
Grandparents, here is an inconvenient truth which you may not want to think about: No matter how much you try to fool the mirror—or yourself—the truth is you are not getting any younger. Neither am I.
Why do I mention this “inconvenient truth”? If we do not understand and accept this truth, we cannot act upon it. And we must act upon it if we are serious about passing on a heritage of faith to our grandchildren.
We are not getting any younger. And neither are our grandchildren.
It matters if we are sharing Jesus with our grandchildren, because most people make the decision to follow Jesus between the ages of 4 and 13 … just nine short years. Years which are gone in a heartbeat—or at least it seems like it. As grandparents we remember how fast our own children grew up and know we cannot afford to put off pointing our grandchildren to Jesus.
When it comes to passing on a heritage of faith, we need to be grandparents who focus on what matters, on what lasts. For us it means the following …
1. We must redeem the days we are given (Psalm 90:12). Our lives are a gift from the hand of God. We must be wise and make the most of every opportunity He gives to share His love with our grandchildren and how they can love Him back.
2.We are not guaranteed a tomorrow (Psalm 39:4), so what we say and do today really does matter.
3. If we have grandchildren, then clearly God wants us to pass on our faith to them (Deuteronomy 4 and 6). This is truly important. If our grandchildren grow up to not love, follow, and walk with God, nothing else will matter. Passing on our faith is what lasts and what matters.
4. We should focus first on helping our grandchildren understand how God offers them life through Jesus’ obedience (Romans 5:18-21). Because Jesus obeyed and went to the cross, we are able to have eternal life when we accept God’s grace. Our grandchildren do not have to live trying to pay for their sins by keeping a list of rules none of us can keep. They do not have to live defeated by disobedience. God offers His grace as a gift and it changes everything!
5. We want to focus secondly upon helping our grandchildren grow in their walk with God (1 Peter 2:2), so they become people who love, know, and follow Him throughout their lives. This is what passing on a heritage of faith is all about. This is what lasts!
So how do we do this?
We need to keep our focus on what truly matters; on those things which last, so let’s take a few minutes to consider what this looks like. We need to:
1. Live in a way that shows God’s fruit (Galatians 5:22-23). We can tell our grandchildren about God and His love for them, but if we do not model to them how our lives have been changed by Jesus’ obedience and God’s grace, our words will just be empty. But when they see our lives reflect God’s grace, love, and joy, our words will make a lasting impact.
2. Watch for opportunities to share the Good News with your grandchildren (1 Peter 3:15). In the day-in-day-out living of our lives, opportunities will arise to share God and His grace; watch for them and take advantage of these opportunities!
3. Be intentional and plan special times to share the Good News with your grandchildren (Deuteronomy 6). With younger grandchildren you might read a book, work on a science project, or go for a walk in a forest. As you do these things, connect how the project points to God or marvel in how God created everything they see. Point out that He created them as well. With older grandchildren, you might plan a special time together where you talk and share how God is working in your life.
4. Read God’s Word together and focus on how the Bible helps real people see the path God has for their lives (Psalm 119:105). Be ready to tell your grandchildren how God is doing the same today by how He is blessing your life and answering prayer. When they hear how God worked in the lives of people in the Bible, and is doing the same in your life, they will see how He will work in their lives, too.
5. Pray together (1 John 5:14). Have your grandchildren draw pictures or write out their prayer requests for you to pray about for and with them. Follow up to see how God is answering and to get more prayer requests from them. Pray together using Scripture together—personalize it and help them learn to pray God’s Word!
6. Keep a journal to record how God is answering prayers and how you are able to see His fingerprints in all of your lives (1 John 5:15). Keep this book where they are able to look through it to remember how God is working.
As grandparents we need to focus on what lasts and be good stewards of the time we have left, whether it be short or long, as we pass on a heritage of faith to our grandchildren. This week as you think about what really lasts, make time to talk with your grandchildren about how God’s grace brings you real life!
And take time to pray for them. Before Jesus went to the cross, He prayed a well-known prayer that we find in John 17. I’ve adapted it into something you might pray for your grandchildren:
Dear God, please help me finish the work You have sent me to do. Please help me remember my work for You is not finished because my children are grown. Please help me glorify You with the life You gave me. As I go through this day, please protect me from the evil one and help me be a person who experiences and contributes to the unity of believers. I pray also for my grandchildren. Please help them discover the purpose and work You have for them to do and let them do this work in a way which brings glory to You. Please protect them from the evil one, so they are not deceived or side-tracked, but will instead serve You with a heart which wants to build unity with other believers. Thank You for Your great love for us; I love You, too, Amen!
For 16-year-old Samantha, sexual intercourse is okay at age 18. “My boyfriend and I talked sex over,” she said, “and we both agreed that doing it [sexual intercourse] sometime in our senior year would be a good decision.” According to Samantha, premarital sexual intercourse is right for her at the “appropriate” age.
Samantha and her boyfriend engage in oral sex but do not define that as “having sex.” She says, “People have begun saying that oral sex is a type of sex, so I have had sex and that I am no longer a virgin, but I find this very inaccurate. I think people should have their own view on what their virginity is.”
Samantha goes on to explain that to her, virginity is “a frame of mind.” She concludes, “Right now I consider myself half a virgin … until you have felt the full thrill and intimacy of sex to its greatest extent with someone you truly love, you are still a virgin in my mind, but maybe that’s just me.”
This 16-year-old determines for herself the definition of virginity and when it’s right to engage in sex. Her moral compass is aligned with a cultural narrative about truth. Her attitude represents that of the majority of young people today.
In the minds of most teenagers, there is no universal standard for sexual morality of absolutes beyond a person’s own view as to what makes sexual activity right or wrong. As Samantha said,” I think people should have their own view,” and, “we both agreed that doing it sometime in our senior year would be a good decision.”
A matter of opinion
This perspective is reflected in such oft-heard statements as these:
“No one has the right to tell me what’s right or wrong for me.”
I can’t tell you what’s right or wrong; you must decide that for yourself.”
It’s wrong to try to impose your morals on someone else.”
I have the right to do whatever I want as long as I’m not hurting anyone.”
“Those may be the values your parents taught you, but my parents taught me different.”
“Look… that’s your opinion.”
“Listen to your heart.”
Cultural tolerance has had a significant influence on this generation in a number of areas but most notably in the area of sex. Mary Eberstadt, an author and senior fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center, makes this point: “Rather than a product of any rich philosophical tradition, the new tolerance is, at root, about sex; it’s a descendent of the sexual revolution.”
Yet the damaging influence of cultural tolerance is not limited to sexual morality. We need to be aware of how an “anything goes” culture is influencing our children’s perception of the authority of the Bible, their concept of what is virtuous, their ideas of honor and courage, and even their understanding of justice. All of these values, for the most part, have been shaped by the culture rather than Scripture. The Bible is the very foundation on which our faith and morals rest. When that foundation is eroded, almost anything goes.
How authoritative is the Bible?
To you perhaps the Bible is the source of moral truth, even though you likely value tradition, the wisdom of elders, the conclusion of experts, and a variety of other sources. To many of our young people it is a source of moral truth. In other words, the Bible is not considered to be authoritatively true for everyone. It is only true and authoritative to those who choose to believe it to be so. Therefore, if each of us is responsible for creating his or her own truth, then it follows that the Bible may be one’s chosen reference guide in developing one’s own brand of morality. This is how many Christian young people see the Bible today.
Most people in today’s culture see the Bible primarily as a religious book that arose from the religions of Judaism and Christianity. In their midst, these are merely two among many viable religions in the world. If you choose to adhere to Judaism or Christianity, you are free to glean from their religious teachings and rituals as you like. Or you can choose from hundreds of other world religions and their subdivided groups. In fact, you can pick and choose your beliefs smorgasbord style and create a religion tailor-made just for you. It doesn’t really matter what religion or religious book you choose to believe—the one universal truth is that you have the right to create your own truth.
Countering the culture
If this thinking has influenced your children, and it probably has, how do you counter it? Can you just come right out and say, “Wait just a minute! What the Bible teaches constitutes the only true religion in the world. If you don’t believe the Bible, I’m sorry, but your beliefs are just dead wrong.”
As you can imagine taking that approach is not a wise choice. Having been influenced to believe it’s up to the individual to create his or her own truth, our young people are naturally uncomfortable with any suggestion that one particular viewpoint is true for everyone.
When you discuss the Bible, do not refer to it simply as a spiritual book that teaches us how to live, but as a road map leading one toward the discovery of true reality. The biblical narrative about moral truth teaches that the Creator God revealed Himself to Moses and the prophets at given points in history. While the Bible contains poetry, psalms, apocalyptic literature, and parables, it is ultimately a true account of God’s relationship with humanity. Moses and the other writers of Scripture documented their encounters and messages from God, and these encounters are substantiated by historical evidences and fulfilled prophecy.
Yes, Scripture is the source of Judaism and Christianity, which are religions. Yet the Bible is unique among all other religious writings in that it is based on historical events backed up by credible historical evidence. The Creator of the world revealed himself first to Moses and the prophets saying, “I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you… so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. I am the Lord, and there is no other” (Isaiah 45:5-6). He then took on flesh and revealed Himself in the person of Jesus, God’s Son. The New Testament writer said, “Long ago God spoke many times and in many ways to our ancestors through the prophets. And now in these final days, he has spoken to us through his Son. God promised everything to the Son as an inheritance, and through the Son he created the universe” (Hebrew 1:1-2).
The one true God’s communication to humanity and the whole of Christianity as a religion is based on three primary realities supported by evidences. These are often referred to as the pillars of the faith. These pillars, as listed below, need to be taught and ingrained within our young people.
The historical reliability of Scripture. “All Scripture is inspired by God” (2 Timothy 3:16). Scripture is not merely an inspirational book. All Scripture is “God-breathed,” which means the written words in the Bible are from Creator God. Since its words come from God, the Bible can be trusted as a reliable historical document, and we have credible evidence e to substantiate that reality.
The deity of Christ. We also have credible historical evidence to back up Christ’s claim that he was and is the Son of God “who takes away the sin of the world” (John 1:29). If Christ is not who He claims to be, Christianity is not true.
Christ’s bodily resurrection. Without Christ literally rising from the dead, His promise to give those who trust in Him eternal life would be meaningless. The apostle Paul put it this way, “If Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins. In that case, all who have died believing in Christ are lost” (1Corinthians 15:17-18). But Christ did rise from the dead, and compelling historical evidence supports this reality.
Historically reliable
If the Bible can be proven to be historically inaccurate, if Christ’s claim to be God is not historically credible, and if Christ’s resurrection can be shown to be a hoax, then Christianity is not a religion worth trusting in. By this view there are certainly good moral teachings in the Bible on how to live and treat one another. But without assurance of the authenticity of Christ’s deity, death, and resurrection, they are nothing more. If the Bible were no more than that, it could offer no hope of a life after death. The apostle Paul concluded that if Christ wasn’t who He claimed to be and did not bodily rise from the dead “we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world” (1 Corinthians 15:19).
But of course that is not the case. Considerable evidence exists to prove that the God-breathed words of Scripture are historically reliable. And when you share those evidences with your children, they inevitability come face-to-face with the claims of Christ. At that point, if they’re honest with themselves, they will encounter an inescapable conclusion: Scripture accurately reveals that Jesus is the risen Christ and the only way to the one true God. Of course, that conclusion flies in the face of their cultural conditioning. But with repeated emphasis on how the Bible is historically accurate and reliable, you will likely be able to equip your children to see God’s Word for what it is—a true revelation of the one true God and His Son Jesus as the Savior of the world.
Let your young people know the Bible isn’t a mere resource or a set of inspirational stories and helpful guidelines from which we can form “our own truth.” It is the means by which the one true God has chosen to reveal details of Himself to each of us. When we hold a Bible in our hands, we are cradling a holy book to be reverenced and hungered after because its reliable words reveal the God who offers us eternal life.
Showing that the Bible is the true, inspired Word of God is an important first step. But the ultimate question is whether we will personally obey God’s teaching. Do we really consider the Bible an authoritative moral source for how we live our lives? Will we follow God’s truth even if it makes us uncomfortable, unpopular, and upset?
“Phil, I’ve prayed for my son every day for his entire life, for 53 years now. I enjoyed praying for him while he was in school. When he joined the Navy and got involved in drinking, I prayed even harder. During the last 25 years, I’ve prayed over and over again for God to change his heart, but nothing has happened. I still pray, Phil, but now they’re just words. I’ve stopped expecting an answer.”
Many family members can identify with this mother. She is a devout Christian who loves God with all her heart. She, however, cannot understand why God does not answer her prayers. She praised God when her son told her he stopped drinking. Then he started again. She thanked the Father for His mercy when her son came back to church. Then he quit.
Family members of prodigals sometimes feel this frustration. They prayed for years. They believed in God. Now their faith has wavered. They no longer believe God is going to work in their prodigals’ hearts.
I want to encourage you to be honest about your struggles with unbelief. Words of encouragement: You cannot give up. Keep trusting our merciful Lord to accomplish His purposes.
Let me offer some specific prayers to help you pray.
Prayer #1: Lord, use my prodigal’s friends.
In my conversations with prodigals who returned to the Lord, I asked, “Who had the greatest influence to convince you to turn back to Christ?” To my surprise, it was not their parents or siblings. The primary positive influence on prodigals was their friends who cared enough to speak the truth and took them to church.
A prodigal expects his parents to push him toward God. He, however, often disregards them as an influence. On the other hand, a coworker, a friend, a neighbor, or someone who is a member of the same club can often find a prodigal’s listening ear, which has been closed to parents.
My encouragement, then, is for parents to pray, Lord, would You bring a godly friend into my prodigal’s life to share the message of hope and model a life of trust in You? Bring somebody who will love my prodigal with Your love and melt his heart with Your grace.
Prayer #2: Lord, change me first.
David and the other psalmists expressed their hearts openly to God. They did not sugarcoat how they felt. They were painfully honest and direct in addressing God. Many of the psalms express deep disappointment and heartache.
In Psalm 13:1, David wrote,
How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?
How long will you hide Your face from me?
Most of us pray for years that God will change our prodigals. Perhaps we need to pray that God will change us first. Perhaps God wants to work on our bitterness. Maybe God wants to ease our pain by having us confront our grief and disappointment. Maybe God wants to deflate our sense of self-righteousness and remind us that He is God, not us. Maybe God wants to replace our hopelessness with joy and thankfulness.
Our prodigals need the touch of God, but we need to feel it first. Then, as God works His kindness and healing in our hearts, our lives can better reflect God’s love to our prodigals.
Prayer #3: Lord, I ask for brokenness.
It is a dictum of Alcoholics Anonymous that a person has to “hit rock bottom” in order to change. We are prideful people. We do not want to admit our needs. We try to compensate for our shortcomings any way we can. Your prodigal is no different. She will cling to any hope of fooling herself, her friends, and her family as long as she can.
Most prodigals do not look for help until they become very needy. In fact, as I watch people in trouble, the only factor that determines whether someone gets help is utter desperation. When people become desperate, they will cling to anything that promises the hope of change. Before they reach that point, however, they use all kinds of excuses and mind games to convince themselves that they are doing fine.
Jack has a sister who is an alcoholic. He started sharing Christ with her while she was in high school. She never listened. She made fun of him to her friends, but nothing could stop him from loving her.
They are now in their 40s. He still prays for her every day. He asks God to touch her heart, break through the hard shell of her pride, and draw her to himself. He prays for her brokenness.
Through four failed marriages, two miscarriages, a bout with cancer, and a near-fatal car accident, she remains unbroken. In each case people told her, “Wow! You are so unlucky!” Look at all the bad things that have happened to you.” My friend believes God is answering his prayers. Each calamity has brought an opportunity for her to “come to her senses” and repent. Each heartache is God’s megaphone to get her attention. So far, she is not responding.
“I don’t know what it’s going to take for God to get through to her,” Jack told me sadly. “But there’s one thing I’m sure of: God is sure doing His job of giving her chances to repent. I couldn’t ask Him to be any clearer in showing her the desperate need in her life. Maybe someday she’ll listen.”
Prayer #4: Lord, help me fight the battle.
Make no mistake: You and I are in a spiritual battle all day every day. The forces of evil are strong. They are nothing compared to the incredible power of God. Our prodigals may be in the grip of evil, but God is far stronger.
We Christians tend to make one of two mistakes when thinking about the devil. We either do not think about him enough or we think he has more power than he actually does. We know he is a thief who comes “to steal, and to kill, and to destroy” (John 10:10). He delights in deceiving our prodigals about the goodness of God. He delights in deceiving us about God’s gracious intentions. He knows that if he gets us to question God’s character, he gains a foothold to exploit.
We resist him with truth and grace, with the Word of God, and with the power of love. In Ephesians 1:20-23, Paul reminds us:
(God) raised (Jesus) from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in that which is to come.
And He put all things under His feet, and gave Him to be head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness of Him who fills all in all.
Jesus is not “barely” above the forces of darkness. He is “far” above them. He is infinitely more powerful. He gives us tremendous resources for the battle we fight. Later in the same letter, Paul instructs us to fight and to use all the armor available to us (Ephesians 6:10-20). Soldiers in battle expect to get dirty. Wounds are expected. If a soldier’s resources are good and their commander is a great leader, however, they are confident of victory.
When you pray hard for changes yet nothing happens, you are in good company. The prophet Daniel once prayed for three weeks for God’s help. Finally, the angel Michael appeared. He explained that God had heard his prayer the first time he uttered it, but an adversary blocked the path of the help God had sent.
God hears every prayer, but Satan remains active in attempting to block God’s good work. Prayer is essential for your victory. It is vital for the successful return of your prodigal. Ask God to give you a fresh perspective on spiritual conflict so you can fight effectively for your prodigal.
Prayer #5: Lord, don’t let me give up.
Some of us want to just give up. We have had it. We tried being nice. We tried being tough. We listened to the advice of friends. We prayed a million times for our prodigals to change. Still, nothing changes.
The fruit of the Spirit includes the quality of “longsuffering.” Tenacity is one of the primary virtues in the Christian life. The Bible urges us to “run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1).
People who run marathons tell me that at various times in the race, they want to quit. Their legs feel like lead. Their stomachs ache. Their vision gets blurry. They even become nauseated. They feel like they cannot take another step, but they take that one … and the next.
The Christian life is similar. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Jesus is our supreme example of tenacity. Scripture encourages us to keep “looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame” (Heb. 12:2). Jesus could endure the worst that life offered because He knew what would come later: resurrection and reunion with the Father. As we follow His example, we need tenacity to keep going, to keep believing that God is good and that He is sovereign. Even when we see no visible evidence, we can trust His Word that He is at work.
Roger and Clarisse were already doting grandparents for their two granddaughters; they loved caring for them and were involved in their lives at every opportunity. They knew their role was an important one, and they treasured it.
After they had attended a grandparenting study, Roger shared how he had changed: “Of course, I was already a grandfather—in fact, I was a Christian grandfather,” he said. “But it had never occurred to me to be an intentional Christian grandfather.”
Roger’s view of the importance of his role changed. “Now, every time I see my granddaughters I think about how I can be an influence in their lives for Christ,” he said.
Roger’s transformation was immediate. He began to converse more with his granddaughters about Christ; he prayed more with them, read Bible stories to them, and blessed them. He simply needed a vision of the spiritual significance of his role as a grandfather.
Many grandparents are like Roger and Clarisse were: they are Christian grandparents, and found importance in their role through helping the parents, loving the grandkids, and even spoiling them a little. Then they learned there is a greater importance to the role of grandparenting than they imagined.
The little word that changed our lives
We—my wife, Diane, and I—became convinced of it a few years ago. For us, it started with “seeing with new eyes” a passage of Scripture that we had read many times. In fact, it started with seeing the significance of a single little word—the word “and.”
Because of the “and,” Diane and I took a lesser role in our jobs. In fact, we stepped out of a comfortable position of leadership in Awana, a global non-profit ministry. That position had been our life’s ministry calling. And we moved from Illinois to California—for the specific purpose of fulfilling the command that followed the “and.”
In Deuteronomy 4, the Israelites are told to “keep the commandments of the LORD your God” (verse two). Then verse nine says, “Teach them to your children and your grandchildren” (NKJV). When we saw that little word “and,” we realized that we were responsible to teach two generations, not just one. We couldn’t just spoil our grandkids or dote on them or be a secondary caregiver—we were to be spiritual influencers. We were to teach them. And we knew it would be easier to fulfill that command from nearby than from 1,800 miles away, so we moved.
It may not be necessary, desirable, or even possible for you to move closer to your grandchildren. My point is seeing what Scripture has to say. Whether it is in the simple command in Deuteronomy 4:9, or in many other passages that command us to pass on God’s Word from “generation to generation,” the active role of a grandparent is a pattern regularly implied in God’s Word.
When you add a multi-generational vision to the command to instruct children, you get an even clearer picture of how God wants grandparents to think and act. That multi-generational vision is described by the psalmist Asaph in Psalm 78:5b-7 (NIV), “He commanded our ancestors to teach their children, so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget His deeds but would keep His commands.”
Do you see? According to Deuteronomy, we are to teach two generations, but according to this passage, we are to think four! Let’s put ourselves in the role of the “ancestors” that Asaph mentions: we (generation one) are to teach our children (generation two) about the things of God so the grandchildren (three) not yet born would know them, and they in turn will tell their children (four).
Our vision is that a generation beyond the one not yet born will follow God. Is that your desire? Is it more than a desire—is it a strong passion and a vision that guides your talk and activities with your grandchildren? Does it help you see the great importance of your role?
The incredible potential for discipleship gives grandparenting importance
Grandparent, are you aware of your power for influence? Here’s the truth: you are second only to the parents in your potential to impact your grandchildren spiritually. Most grandparents enjoy a great relationship with their grandkids, especially in the younger years—and that loving bond is ideal for nurturing spiritual growth.
Grandma, you have much more potential for influence than a Sunday school teacher. My children’s ministry friends tell me that in their churches, the average child attends 1.3 to 2 times a month, depending on the church. A Sunday school teacher will see an individual child 15-25 hours in a given year, and that is all. Then they start over again in a different class with a different teacher.
Grandpa, you have so much to offer! Your unconditional love for your grandchild, your seasoned perspective, and your willingness to spend time make you an ideal discipler. Do you see that?
But potential influence doesn’t mean automatic impact, does it? There are oh, so many barriers to influencing grandkids spiritually.
Here’s what we have found just in our small circle of friends: Janet has a granddaughter who lives in Sweden. Bill and Teresa’s grandkids live with an estranged daughter-in-law. Tina is a single grandma on a limited income, and the “other grandparents” are wealthy and shower expensive gifts on her grandkids. Pete and Barb’s son and family are into sports and spiritual things are unimportant. Winnie’s daughter has walked away from her Christian faith and converted to Buddhism. And those are just a few of the barriers!
Yes, there are so many obstacles. But the potential for impact is still there, and we can’t forget that. Roger and Clarisse weren’t living up to their potential, though there were no barriers. Now they are.
How about you? Could you “up your game?” As you think about the importance of your role, could you connect with your teenage grandkids more frequently? Could you read Bible stories to your adorable toddlers? Could you tell your grandkids your faith journey?
It’s important. It’s really important. Why don’t you start today?
This was not the same old, same old graduation ceremony. Forget about the men marching down front in cap and gown to the tune of “Pomp and Circumstance.”
Instead, redemption songs were on the playlist. More than 130 men belted out the lyrics to Chris Tomlin’s “Amazing Grace”:
My chains are gone. I’ve been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
Many of these men had been ransomed from alcohol and set free from drug addictions. And as many of these homeless men stepped up and received their graduation certificates, it was the first time they had ever completed anything.
The graduation recognized they had successfully completed Stepping Up®, the 10-lesson series for men created by FamilyLife®, Cru’s ministry to families. The DVD series and resources challenge men to “A Call to Courageous Manhood”—to be all that God has designed them to be.
As each man’s name was announced, the men erupted with clapping and cheering that echoed throughout the Community Hall room at The Potter’s House, a rural facility of Atlanta Mission in Jefferson, Georgia.
Calvin is one of the graduates, and one of 647 people whom Atlanta Mission helped last year and who are no longer homeless.
But Calvin wasn’t at the graduation—shortly after the program began, Calvin was already asleep. He goes to bed at 7 p.m. so he can get up just after midnight to pray, read the Bible and worship before clocking in to work at 6 a.m.
The following morning, Calvin climbs the concrete steps to where he now works at Atlanta Mission. The building spans a city block in the heart of Atlanta, across from Pemberton Place—home to the Center for Civil and Human Rights, the World of Coca-Cola, and the Georgia Aquarium.
On one wall in his windowless office is an Atlanta Mission poster with large letters spelling out “HOPE” and the ministry’s vision statement: “A City Unified in Ending Homelessness.”
It’s a lofty goal, but Calvin believes it’s possible.
In metro Atlanta, more than 10,000 people are homeless each night. But not all of them are homeless because of drug addictions. According to HomeAid Atlanta, “The three most commonly cited causes of homelessness for persons in families were lack of affordable housing, poverty, and unemployment.” Calvin helps Atlanta Mission serve between 800 and 1,000 people on a daily basis—including men, women and children in their five facilities.
Yet he would never have learned about Stepping Up if it wasn’t for Jim.
Jim is now president and CEO of Atlanta Mission, and when he first started in 2008, he wondered how to create organizational change in what they were doing. “I think God has a bigger plan than [the homeless men] coming in and leaving every day,” he says.
In 2014, Jim learned how FamilyLife’s Stepping Up® video DVD series was transforming men’s lives in prisons, so he decided to go through it with his staff and the 130 homeless men at the mission. He also understood the vision for reaching the men at other missions. He spent his own money to buy 60 copies of the DVD series and distributed them across the U.S. The second time Atlanta Mission went through Stepping Up, another 118 men received graduation certificates.
The FamilyLife resource uses the acronym “STEP” to lay out four broad courses of action for men to take. They are challenged to be Standing firm, Taking initiative, Engaging with wisdom and grace, and Planning ahead and providing. But there are lots of parts to the spiritual formation process at the mission, not just Stepping Up.
For much of Calvin’s life, he didn’t step up. Hope was not part of his vocabulary. Five years ago, Calvin came to Atlanta Mission drug addicted. He had lived on the streets for 30 years. As a homeless person, he slept in abandoned houses and stayed under bridges. He found his meals in garbage cans.
For him and others like him who have wrestled with drug and alcohol addictions, the first step toward transformation starts with a willingness to change.
And then to persevere.
Once Calvin was thinking about leaving the program, but he ran into his counselor, Jesse.
“How are you doing?” Jesse asked.
“Fine,” Calvin responded, but Jesse could tell he wasn’t doing fine.
He counseled Calvin, prayed for him and anointed him with oil. The caring community helped Calvin to finish the program. He can now offer hope to other guests at the mission. One afternoon during the intake process (as guests are registered to stay the night), Calvin greets a roomful of men in the ground-level cafeteria.
“How you all doing?” he asks, his voice echoing off the concrete floor.
“You are all here because of a common issue. We are homeless,” says Calvin. “I came today to speak to that man who doesn’t believe he can change. I came here today to encourage that man who doesn’t have any hope. I came to say that there is an opportunity here at the Atlanta Mission for those who are suffering from homelessness.”
He speaks their language. He has experienced the life-transforming power of God in his life. Some of the men knew what Calvin was like five years ago and how he has changed. Back then, he wanted to die. He was without hope. He believed he would never be free from crack cocaine.
“I’m here to tell you that you can be free,” he says. “You also can be free, liberated, restored, delivered.”
Calvin wants to speak to the men who, like him, had given up hope. “Please give God a chance,” he says. “Find yourself in a personal relationship with Him—not based on anything else except the fact that He loves you beyond your wildest imagination and all that you have suffered.”
For Calvin, it took five years from the time he came to the mission to find a home. From his experience, he is telling others how God restored His life.
As he sits on a blue sofa in the den and prayer room of the home he has lived in just a few weeks, Calvin reflects on the dream of having a home after years of homelessness. “It still hasn’t really hit me yet,” he says. “But I am just totally grateful for what God has been able to do by me finding my identity in Him and truly submitting to His authority.”
His new residence is about a block from the now-vacant house he used to live in. “It’s amazing what God will and can do with a man who will get out of the way,” he says.
“It brings me to tears some mornings when I sit in this home and think about where I came from and the mind state I was in. I wanted to die, and I was slowly killing myself with drugs and alcohol.”
But he believes God told him, Your life that you’ve given up on, it has substance. I have value for you. I didn’t create you for that stuff.
Back in 1971, I was on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ (now called Cru), and part of my job was to help oversee Cru staff women on college campuses in eight states. My heart was grieved when I visited the home of a couple whose marriage appeared to be in trouble.
Four years later I encountered the same couple on yet another campus. My heart was stricken to see that they had been promoted, but their marriage difficulties had worsened. To think that they’d been given more responsibility and yet their marriage issues had been ignored broke my heart. I knew it did not honor God and I felt we were being irresponsible as an organization.
During the next meeting of leaders for Cru’s outreaches in the U.S., we all talked about our most recent travels. I spoke of my dismay about the couple and their situation. I read some verses from 1 Timothy 3, which tell us that leaders in Christian ministry should manage their homes well. Verse five says, “For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?”
Deeply burdened and with passion, I said, “Here we are helping to reach the world for Christ, and we are hurting on the inside. How long are we going to promote people when they are having difficulties in their marriages?”
And then without warning to myself or the others, I began to cry, and the crying turned into sobs as I put my head on the table and wept for what seemed like a long time. I have never had this happen before or since, but as I look back it was as though God was crying through me.
There was a “holy hush” in the room. When I was finally able to lift my head, our director, Paul Eshleman said, “Ney, what do you want us to do?”
“I don’t know, Paul,” I said, “but we’ve got to do something.”
Three reasons for marriage failure
Shortly thereafter, Paul sent me and fellow Cru staff members Dave and Sande Sunde to the 1975 Continental Congress on the Family in St. Louis, organized by J. Alan Peterson. In attendance were thousands from all over the U.S. and the world who cared about marriage and the family. The turning point for me was a session by Dr. Howard Hendricks, a professor from Dallas Theological Seminary.
His words were profound. “There are three reasons for marriage failure,” he said:
Inadequate teaching.
Unrealistic expectations.
Inadequate preparation.
He elaborated: “By inadequate teaching, I mean that today the church isn’t doing a very good job teaching you that just because you are a Christian and someone else is a Christian doesn’t necessarily mean either of you will be a good marriage partner.
“By unrealistic expectations I mean people are entering marriage today expecting marriage and sex to do what only God can do. And the result is they are disappointed.”
His third reason was my favorite. “By inadequate preparation I mean that today in Dallas, if you want to be a garbage collector, you have to go through two weeks of intensive training to become one,” he said. “But today, in Dallas, if you want to get married, all you have to do is make a sound at the altar, and you’re in. Frankly, if a couple is unwilling to go through marriage preparation, I am unwilling to marry them.”
An assignment from God
At the final session of the Continental Congress, J. Alan Peterson said to all of us, “What burden are you leaving here with?” The word “burden” in the Hebrew, means an assignment from the Lord. And I thought, Yes, that’s it. My burden, my assignment from the Lord, was to give help to our marriages within Cru, starting with getting some help to those who were preparing for marriage.
The next year Cru began a “Marriage Preparation and Family Emphasis,” which hosted premarriage conferences. My dear friend, Don Meredith, gave leadership to this effort; he had spent years studying marriage. The conferences were so successful that even married couples began to say “Why can’t we hear this material?” And we were off and running with what would eventually be called the “Family Ministry.” Within a few years, another dear friend, Dennis Rainey, became the director of Family Ministry, known today as FamilyLife.
Fast forward another 30 years. There was a lump in my throat and tears were in my eyes as I drove up to the Gaylord Texan Resort Hotel and Convention Center, where over 2,000 people were attending a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. Outside there were scores of couples sitting on the grass, some perched on cement walls, others sitting on benches—all conversing with each other.
As I walked in the entrance I joined throngs of couples coming from every direction heading up the escalator toward the convention center. I saw a large inviting space where couples could order food and sit and visit. Nearby was a huge bookstore with an abundance of resources on marriage, family, raising children, and other related subjects. As I moved into the cavernous meeting room, I saw a big screen in the front and thousands of people already in their seats anticipating the next speaker.
I couldn’t keep back the tears. I felt overwhelmed at what God had done over the past 30 years. And this was just one event.
Amazed at what God has done
Another 10 years have passed, and today in every region of the United States and most parts of the world, there is access to a Weekend to Remember getaway. FamilyLife Today®, a radio broadcast hosted by Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine, reaches millions each week. FamilyLife has produced a multitude of marriage and family resources. Thousands and thousands have come to Christ. I continue to be amazed at what God has done and is doing. It still brings me to tears.
First Corinthians 1:27 states, “God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise” (KJV). In this case, He used me, a single woman, to help start a marriage movement. No one is more overwhelmed at what God has done than me. To Him be all honor, and glory, and praise.
In that meeting back in 1975, I was grieved by the needs of the couple I had observed, but not nearly as grieved as God. He prompted me (an unlikely person) in an unusual way and used it beyond my wildest dreams. He is truly a God of miracles.
And may I ask you … what are you grieved about? What is your burden today? Who knows … it may be your assignment from the Lord.
Listen to Dennis and Barbara talk more about FamilyLife’s 40th anniversary on FamilyLife Today.
Guys have been blindsided in our culture. We don’t see the path to manhood, and we often don’t know how to view women, sex, relationships, marriage, and our role as husbands.
A key to the problem guys face is that we don’t understand the North Star of relationships. It’s the gold standard of selfless love, the blueprint for building a family and blessing your children. What’s that North Star? Knowing Jesus Christ and His purposes for marriage, and trusting in His strength to make a lasting relationship possible.
Marriage needs to be re-explained. It needs to be re-branded as an awesome, noble, and challenging adventure. Our manhood, our happiness, and our children’s future depend on marriage—yours, mine, and everybody else’s.
In a culture of counterfeits and mistruths, it’s important to understand what marriage is about. As you read through the following list, ask God to remake you and help you understand what it means to be a man and a husband. Let’s value marriage and relate well to our wives, whether we’re married yet, or preparing for that woman.
1. A man needs to know that a marriage and family depend upon God as their Maker. God is the authority. He provides the blueprints for marriage and the power source of love, wisdom, and health. God can heal any marriage if the husband and wife will submit themselves to God and let Him change them.
2. A man needs to know the meaning of love. God defines love not by how much you want to receive, but by how much you are willing to give of yourself—your will, your freedom, your time, your emotions, your forgiveness, your resources. The model is Jesus, who demonstrated love for us by dying for us while we were yet sinners.
A husband does this by choosing his wife as a priority in his life over all other pursuits, possessions and distractions—regardless of whether she is kind, lovable, or respectful. Love brings out the best in her. A man initiates love, rather than waiting for or demanding respect or kind treatment. Love is not dependent upon feelings. Decisions and choices to love can regenerate the feelings of love.
3.A man needs to know that the key to great sex is exclusivity. Our modern world tricks a man into thinking that more sources of sexual stimulation will satisfy him. But like a drug, they thrill but do not satisfy. Sexual entertainment, images, and illicit sex erode rather than enhance sexual joy in a marriage.
The way to become a great lover is to practice with only one woman for life. It is to be generous, exclusive, and serving—not greedy, distracted, and taking. A great relationship and great sex are connected in marriage, and that only happens when a man’s sole target of sexual affections, imaginations, and enjoyment is his wife.
4. A man needs to know that commitment is a key to success in all of life, and especially in a relationship with a woman. One way of defining commitment in marriage is never considering divorce. If you know that you won’t be leaving or divorcing, it forces you to face differences and problems and work through them.
In marriage, it is the security of commitment that allows a woman to feel peace in the relationship. The assurance of a husband’s commitment helps a woman entrust herself to him emotionally and sexually.
5. A man needs to know that marriage is not easy. Marriage is not automatic, and it’s often difficult. The euphoria of romantic infatuation in the first years of marriage fades, requiring the mature resolve to behave lovingly and invest relationally to build a deeper bond than infatuation. Marriage will take intentional and continual effort.
6. A man needs to know that the purpose of marriage is less to make you happy than to make you holy. Now it’s true that a good marriage to a good woman can make you happier than most anything else on earth. But if your goal is to be happy, then you will be focused on yourself, and you will damage your character and your relationships.
If you aim to be holy—like Jesus, not like a monk—you will invite God to change you. You will allow your marriage relationship to change you and crush your selfish will and defensive pride. You will experience true oneness in your marriage—you’ll be deepest friends, intimate allies, generous lovers, caring providers, complementary partners, spiritual enhancers. (Thanks to Gary Thomas for the idea)
7. A man needs to know that God gives authority and responsibility to a husband to make the marriage thrive and last. He is to steward and shepherd himself and his wife’s union. He is to be proactive at assisting God in healing her past wounds, creating oneness in their bond, and assuring her (and their children) of his love for her.
Women are natural responders when men initiate in love, prayer and humility. Men must not be passive, arrogant, distracted, or controlling. A man will not point the finger at his wife’s behavior or shortcomings but will examine his history as a husband and ask God to change him. His heart, his care, and his initiative is the key to his wife’s response and the health of the marriage.
8. A man needs to know that he can change his marriage by changing himself. He can make himself a better husband by making himself a more consistent and devoted follower of Jesus. If he wants to improve any aspect of his marriage—family or parenting—the solution lies in deepening his daily commitment to God. The path to build a great marriage or to heal a marriage is for him to humble his will, to let the Holy Spirit take control of him, and to obey Christ.
9. A man needs to know that romance is created and sustained intentionally. Thinking about what she likes, remembering what is important to her, setting things up the way she prefers … these are all critical. In dating and various stages of life, romance can spontaneously happen; but for the long term, it must be deliberately planned and created. If a man wants to be a leader, this is an area in which to lead. And it leads to good things.
10. A man needs to know that humbling himself to his wife is the gutsiest and most successful way to heal her heart. A man with courage and wisdom will never overlook his wife’s hurt feelings. And he’ll seek to overlook the disrespectful words she blurts out in reaction to how he hurt her feelings.
When you are in conflict, don’t wait for things to blow over. Don’t try to point out her fault. Don’t try to minimize the situation. And don’t defend yourself. Instead, be a leader. Start the apology. A great starting point is, “I was wrong. I hurt you. Please forgive me?”
Seek God. Read His word in the Bible. Pray for Him to shape and lead you. Humble yourself before Him. Seek a mentor or group to help you grow and become a good husband.
Leadership of a wife is humility before God, initiating teamwork with your wife, praying with her every day, and praying for your family. Most guys I know well are like me in this: If you’re frustrated with your wife and your marriage, the solution lies in getting back into Jesus and His Word!
I find it interesting that the first human institution created by God was marriage. Its importance is clear in the words of Genesis 1:27 when we see that the relationship between a man and woman actually reflects the image of God, in Genesis 2:18 when God declared it was “not good” for man to be alone, and in Genesis 2:24 when he calls for a husband and wife to be “one flesh”—a physical, spiritual, and emotional union.
That’s why I believe that your marriage relationship should be paramount in your home. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is a healthy, happy, and stable relationship with your spouse.
The challenge, of course, is that it’s very easy to drift into isolation in marriage. Often a husband and wife begin drifting apart so slowly that they hardly recognize it’s happening. Then, after a few years of poor communication, they realize that their love life has grown stale. That’s why many successful-looking marriages aren’t much more than two successful people independently doing their own thing—they aren’t friends and life-partners. And when that happens, the children suffer.
Here are two steps for battling the drift toward staleness and isolation in your marriage:
First, seek God by regularly praying together as a couple.
Shortly after we were married in 1972, Barbara and I began praying every day together. I believe this one spiritual discipline has done more for our marriage and family than any other single thing we have done. Why? Because it’s tough to pray with someone you’re ticked off at! We have found that we either resolve the problem and pray, or go to sleep angry. So we seek to build bridges of understanding between us, forgive one another, and then pray.
When you pray together, you multiply your joys, divide your sorrows, add to your experiences with God together, and help subtract your haunting past from your life. During the rugged times of your marriage, you can share your burdens. Prayer can also take away the desire to get even and replace it with a willingness to work things out.
I urge you to make this commitment with your spouse. You may be afraid to start, and let me assure you, you are not alone. Many people are hesitant to start praying with their spouses. If this is the case, try saying this prayer: Lord, teach me how to pray with my spouse. I’m afraid.
Second, spend time together to build intimacy and romance into your relationship.
When you were dating and considering marriage, you probably developed many creative ways to woo and attract each other. But after your children arrived, did your romance begin to fizzle?
You may be thinking, How can you plan romance? It’s supposed to be spontaneous! Sometimes that is true. But I’ve found that, more often than not, spontaneous romance is a common characteristic of early romance. Once you’re married, and you are accustomed to being with each other day after day, month after month, romance needs to be planned.
It’s especially difficult to be spontaneous when you have children. Many couples attending our Weekend to Remember® getaways say they haven’t been on a date in over a year. Even more shocking is the fact that some haven’t been away alone together overnight since their honeymoon!
How long has it been for you? Get away to spend some time together. Your kids will thank you for it.
I’m a simple guy. Grew up a simple kid in a small town in central Pennsylvania. A son to blue-collar workers, parents who still work in the same factories they did before I was born.
It’s funny how times change, how generations evolve. After 15 positions by the ripe age of 30, I quit keeping track of my jobs.
One of the deeper conversations I had with my parents was about life purpose. Some people have the notion that working in a factory is somehow less significant than, say, a people-helping or philanthropic position.
Every one of our lives matters. Whether the daily grind is spent on a factory floor in a rural town, a skyscraper office in a big city, at home as a mom, or somewhere in between, making a difference is about following the two most important commandments of Jesus—loving God and loving others.
No job constrains love.
My parents are living proof.
Were my parents perfect? Nobody’s are.
Did I always listen? What fun is that?
Did we have our ugly moments? Who doesn’t?
But in all of it, from the beauty of family vacations to the ugliness of divorce, I never questioned whether I was loved.
Embracing every season
It’s why I wake up every Saturday morning through the fall excited to play in the backyard with my son, jump in leaves, pick up acorns, watch college football, and give him the time and love my dad gave me.
It’s why I can’t wait until I can take my daughter fishing, spend a day with her on the water, just the two of us, and give her the adventures and love my mom gave me.
I want to embrace every season with my kids, both literal and figurative—fall, summer, winter and spring. I want to experience the smells. Honeysuckle in the spring. Fresh-cut grass in the summer. Fear in the winter. You know, those moments when our kids are scared and turn to us for support. I want to smell the fear of their failure or disappointment, walk with them through it, and teach them the fragrance of love.
I want to embrace the flavors. Home-cooked Thanksgiving turkey and trimmings in the fall. Ice cream sundaes together in the summer, especially after a big win. Defeat in the winter. I want my kids’ rejection to bitter my own palate, so they feel understood. Then I can teach them how to sweeten their plate by tasting the goodness of the Lord.
I want to create a bank account of memories—their best, worst, and even most mundane moments—from which they themselves will one day parent, for the quality of my presence while they’re under my roof will one day determine the quality of their presence under their own. When they become scared or unsure of what to do when their children are rejected, they’ll feel the security they had with me and instinctively respond the way they were loved.
Talk about leaving a legacy and setting patterns; this is how my parents were there for me. These nostalgic memories are now short stories integrated into my brain as a completed narrative that makes up my life story—a story written in a setting of love.
God our Father
Consider how the Bible describes God as our Father: “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.”
Think about the parent-child relationship in relation to that passage: God as a Father is slow to anger. He loves us infinitely deeper than we could ever imagine. He shows mercy. He gives us grace. Blame and shame are quickly resolved. When He is angry, it’s for a brief time and because He loves us. When we’re in the wrong, His anger is about what could happen to us if we continue the behavior. He will discipline, but He does not punish. Neither does His consequence match our offense.
Our relationship with Him is central to how He fathers us.
The same should be true in how we parent our kids.
Parenting in a safe house
Neither of our children were easy babies. A combination of colic, acid reflux, gastrointestinal sensitivities, constipation, gassiness, and an inability to sleep without being held led to many sleepless nights in the Straub household. Imagine our daughter having a difficult time falling asleep because of terrible gas pains. Wailing ensues. Then, at the exact time, our strong willed 2-year-old son, who didn’t sleep well the night before or hasn’t eaten his breakfast, has a meltdown. Ever been there?
Moments like this are stressful and exhausting enough even for the most secure parent. But imagine carrying into these moments unresolved pain and broken moments from your own childhood relationship with your parents. Research shows the more fragmented our stories are, the more insecure we’re likely to be as parents. And the more insecure we are as parents, the more likely we are to write our kids’ stories in a setting of fear.
That’s why I like to use this equation as the basis for how we parent in a Safe House:
Love – Fear = Safe Relationship
Think about it. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is fear. The Bible says, “Perfect love casts out fear.” To put it simply, an unsafe environment instills fear. A safe environment rids itself of fear.
Just think of the fearful ways we react to our kids in stressful moments when they act out. Yelling. Blaming. Punishing. Shaming. Maybe even spanking out of anger.
These reactions in such overwhelming moments tend to be fear-based. Look at the rest of that same verse in the Bible: “For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
Biblically speaking, from what we’ve learned so far about God as Father, the equation Love –Fear = Safe Relationship goes something like this:
Perfect love drives out fear.
God is love.
God, as love perfected, fathers us in a setting of love, not fear.
God as a Father is safe.
Remember, research shows our capacity to love others comes from first having a loving relationship with a safe parent. If you’re a person of faith, the Bible clearly reveals that person is God.
The same is true for our kids. They need us to be safe.
When someone prepares for a trip to a remote, rugged part of the world, he would be wise to do some research so he can know what to expect. He’d look up the country on the internet or read some books, and he’d make a checklist of key survival tips.
Forming a stepfamily through marriage or remarriage is much the same. Yet it’s amazing how many couples travel to this foreign country of stepfamily living with little or no preparation. Consider the following your survival companion for the early years of stepfamily life.
1. Consult a travel agent. Before going to the foreign land of stepfamily living, find out as much as you can about the culture, social expectations, spirituality, relationship rules, and expectations of those who live there. Keep in mind that you will not be a visitor but a new citizen, so you will need to understand life as it is. The more you know, the better you’ll be able to navigate the terrain. (Browse through our resources on remarriage and stepfamilies.)
2. Keep perspective. Traveling to a foreign country will require emotional adjustment and many transitions on your part. And you will find yourself in unfamiliar territory many times.
Expect to feel lost and don’t panic when you do!
Learn to find your way around even when anxious, ask lots of questions, and listen to the replies of those traveling with you. Remember, they are not your enemies (even though you may be traveling in different directions at times). Learn how to “cook” a stepfamily.
Eat slowly. Foreign foods often make your tummy upset. Don’t expect perfection from your family; do expect burps in your home life. Try not to overreact.
3. Nurture your marriage. All stress in a stepfamily, even if it begins with ex-spouses or children from another home, eventually ends up in your marriage. The key antidotes for stress are:
Take a communication and conflict-management skills course in your church or community. A study I completed with Dr. David Olson found that communication and conflict resolution skills are the number two and three (respectively) predictors of highly satisfied couples. When you make this aspect of your marriage work in your favor, you build a shield against divorce and distress!
Keep having fun! Make sure you keep the fun-factor alive in your marriage. A healthy leisure component in marriage is the number five predictor of a great marriage in stepfamilies.
4. Connect in. Focus on activities that build relationship between “insiders and outsiders” (steprelationships). Be sure to take advantage of the natural connecting points (interests and activities) that people in your stepfamily share.
5. Connect out. Don’t become isolated from outside support:
Keep old friends and social connections alive.
As a couple, create new friendships with other married couples.
Be part of a family of faith. Connect, if necessary, to church and stepfamilies on a similar journey. Utilize our small group DVD resource to guide your study together.
Find a mentor couple or educational group that can encourage you along the way with words of wisdom.
6. Remember the value of traditions. Keep some old ones (for the sake of the kids) and create a few new ones over time (to give the family a new sense of identity).
Biological parents should spend one-on-one time (even if it’s just 15 minutes) with their children weekly the first year and regularly thereafter.
Tell children to expect to feel a variety of emotions—from anger to fondness—and help them to articulate them to you. Be a resource to them; don’t make them afraid to tell you how they feel. Remember, they are in foreign territory, too.
Talk about what terms you will use to refer to one another. Agree how you will introduce each other in public (see The Name Game).
8. Be a team. Parents and stepparents should find consensus in family rules and how they will work together. This will require many ongoing conversations.
Have lots of ”parental business meetings” to become a united front.
Focus your efforts the first few years on building relationships with your stepchildren rather than trying to become their authority. Be sure to move at their pace.
9. Be considerate in how you deal with the “other home.” Ex-spouses are part of your expanded stepfamily system; when you attack them, you attack yourself. Learn more about co-parenting.
Keep visitation schedules for children consistent; try not to make radical changes after the wedding.
If you are a stepparent, communicate a “No threat” message to the biological parent in the other home. The purpose is to reduce the amount of fear they have toward you, and therefore, the amount of animosity they throw at you. Here’s a brief script: “Hi Tom/Betty. I just wanted you to know that I realize that I am not your child’s parent—you are. I will never try to take your place (and couldn’t even if I wanted to). You hold a very special place in your child’s heart and I will always honor that. I am simply an added adult-figure in your child’s life. I will try to bring good things to your child’s life and offer guidance as one of their teachers or coaches would. If you ever have any questions, please let me know. Thank you for your time.”
10. Buy a souvenir. Purchase something as a family that marks your new identity and begins building memories. It could be a new house, a new pet, or a new dining room table (where people will sit frequently while enjoying meals together). Find something you can call “ours.”
Still reeling from a painful divorce, John Waring had no intentions of getting into a relationship with another woman. “I really felt like I had been burned, and I didn’t want to get involved with anyone else,” he says.
When he and Kimberlee met, they were in the singles group at their church. It was a gathering place for good fellowship and shared meals—not romantic relationships. John was drawn to her welcoming personality and they exchanged surface conversation. He thought she was nice; that’s all.
But things began to change on New Year’s Eve back in 1999. John was playing the role of a gambler in a murder mystery party at church. Something happened that amazed even John. He and Kimberlee began to talk and peel back the layers of their lives. The gambler took a chance and allowed his friendship with Kimberlee to go to a deeper level.
Soon John discovered that Kimberlee was not only fun to be around, but also a person he could have an intelligent conversation with. He felt so comfortable around her. And the more he got to know her the more he knew that she was just the type of woman he would like to marry.
John and Kimberlee got along so well that after just a few weeks of dating they talked about marriage. By Valentine’s Day they were engaged, and six months later they were married. No one was more surprised by the Warings’ whirlwind love story than John himself. He had not been looking for love … but somehow love found him.
Attending the Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway
Knowing the devastation caused by divorce, John did not want to be part of a failed marriage again. He and Kimberlee wanted to do all that they could to ensure that their relationship would succeed.
Looking back, he says, “It was a hard thing for me to commit to Kimberlee, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made.” And perhaps the next best decision was attending a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway in Colorado Springs, just a few months after their wedding. The Warings enjoyed it so much that they went again about six months later. And then again.
John says that the thing that stood out to him the most during the getaway was the love letter project for couples. Even today he and Kimberlee will pull out their old manuals and read the letters they wrote so long ago to each other.
And when the Warings think of their first marriage getaways, they remember how many of the speakers drove their messages home with humor. Maybe that’s why, years after hearing God’s blueprints for marriage for the first time, John and Kimberlee are still practicing things they learned, like the concept, “Your spouse is not your enemy.”
John says applying this simple truth in their marriage has been one of the keys to its success. Whenever there was conflict in his first marriage, he felt like he was the enemy. “I just didn’t feel loved,” he says. But today when Kimberlee and John have a disagreement, she will often say, “Remember, I am not your enemy.”
At times like this, they will once again recall the many principles they learned at the Weekend to Remember. Principles like letting one person talk at a time, and then reflecting back on what each heard. John says that didn’t happen in his first marriage.
They also recognize the importance of practicing forgiveness with one another and now understand why a lack of forgiveness is so destructive in marriage. But perhaps the biggest takeaway from those first weekends was realizing that God has a design for marriage. That the Creator of the world wants to relate with a husband and his wife through their marriage relationship.
Becoming volunteers
The Warings were so excited about all they had learned at their first Weekend to Remember getaways that they wanted to help others. So they became event volunteers and started lending a hand in the getaway
bookstore. Because both John and Kimberlee were self-employed, they were free to travel. So they traveled across the country helping at FamilyLife getaways in Alaska, California, Nevada, North Dakota, and Ohio.
The Warings enjoyed hearing stories from couples about how God had worked in their marriage during the getaway. “It was outstanding to be part of a team where God is doing something like that,” John says. “It is God’s work … but as a team we all shared in making that happen.”
John says he will never forget the time when a couple walked into the lobby of a hotel where he was setting up a getaway bookstore. Along with them was a judge who was going to marry them in the hotel. The engaged couple needed some witnesses for their marriage vows. So John, Kimberlee, and two of the hotel staff volunteered.
Then after the ceremony, someone from FamilyLife gave the young couple a certificate to the Weekend to Remember. So the couple attended the getaway that same weekend. And by the end of the conference they had both made decisions to follow Christ.
John was born in the United Kingdom, and he and Kimberlee returned there about five years ago to be near his family. He is a computer repair technician in Church of England schools. And the good news is that he has seven weeks of vacation each summer. During part of that vacation you can find him back in the United States. He not only sees his son and other loved ones, but also volunteers at FamilyLife’s headquarters in Little Rock.
Kimberlee’s health challenges
Over the years John and Kimberlee have had plenty of opportunities to put into practice what they have learned about God’s plan for marriage. Parenting in a blended family was hard. And Kimberlee has experienced chronic pain that has gotten increasingly worse.
But rather than allowing these issues to pull them apart, they have remembered what they learned at the Weekend to Remember. That God Himself wants to be involved in their marriage. That He knows what He’s doing.
“This is not what John expected when he said his vows to God and to me,” Kimberlee says. “I am not saying that life is easy by any means,” Kimberlee says, “but our perspective is that we are one and God is on our side.”
When the Warings laid the foundation for their relationship at those first Weekend to Remember getaways, they learned that marriage requires a 100 percent commitment from both the husband and wife. “The impact on our marriage is that sometimes one of us is actually giving ‘more’ than the other,” Kimberlee says.
John is grateful today that he made a decision long ago to gamble on his relationship with Kimberlee. But rather than just rolling the dice in their marriage, he and Kimberlee began their lifelong relationship learning about God’s blueprints for their home. “If you put biblical principles into practice,” John says, “you can have a successful marriage.”
My husband and I sat with our two guests in the tiny living room of our very first home. I was holding our infant son. He was our second-born child, and I was a proud stay-at-home mother (emphasis on proud). My husband worked for a local reconditioned appliance and furniture store, and we lived on a budget so tight it nearly squeaked. In order to make ends meet, I nursed my babies instead of buying formula, made my own baby food in a blender, and used cloth diapers rather than disposable. I cooked from scratch and even made my own baby wipes. I was determined to make any sacrifice that would enable me to stay at home with our children full-time.
As I sat on the couch next to my husband, I listened to an energetic young couple who were new to our circle of friends. Both worked full-time outside the home and they had one darling infant, their firstborn child. In addition to their jobs, they had started a side business, one of those multilevel marketing plans. We thought they were just coming over for coffee and dessert, but it soon became apparent they were trying to rope us into this business venture.
I began to feel bitter and judgmental. Their sales pitch was annoying and presumptuous. Besides, her clothes were from a high-end store while I frequented resale shops or occasionally the sale rack at the department store. Of course, their two cars were also much nicer than the old Volkswagen Rabbit my husband and I shared.
I’ll admit it. I was jealous. And I was rather self-righteous about my lifestyle choice when it came to being a stay-at-home mother. And so, when the conversation got around to women working outside the home, I chimed in. “Oh, I am so grateful I get to be home with Mackenzie and Mitchell. I’d rather live on bread and water than have someone else raising my kids.”
Yes, I said that!
As I spoke, I saw the woman’s countenance fall. She felt just horrible, I’m sure. However, I justified my words thinking she needed to be convicted about her job choice—and it was my job to convict her. I am so ashamed now when I think back on that interaction. (I’m not so dogmatic about the whole stay-at-home mom versus working mother issue today. But back then? I thought staying home was not only the best, but also the only way!)
If you want to be purely technical about it, the words I said were in fact true. I was grateful to be a stay-at-home mom. But I said it in order to elevate myself. To make her look bad—and feel bad.
When it comes to our words, motives and manners matter. So how do we train our brains and tame our tongues so that we stop hurting others with our words? How do we make sure that our motives and manners match up with God’s Word?
1. Watch for blind spots. If I rely only on my rearview mirror and don’t turn my head to double check my car’s blind spot, I may cause a crash, injuring others and perhaps also myself. The same is true for my words. Consider this wise but painful insight: “All a person’s ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord” (Proverbs 16:2).
Ouch. Here’s raw biblical truth that affirms we can be flat-out self-deceived about the purity of our own motives. We justify and explain. We offer excuses. We make an airtight case for why what we said was said in love. But the one thing we can’t do? We can’t fool God. He knows our true colors.
Here are a few questions to consider as you examine your motives before you speak.
Is my goal to help the person or situation? Or is it to put a little pinch in their heart?
Do I feel my words will bring a solution or, if I’m totally honest, might they cause more of a problem?
Even if what I plan to say is truthful, is my aim to say something that will make me look better by comparison?
Have I earned the right to speak to this particular person?
Are these words really necessary? Why?
Have I prayed about it, or only thought about it in an effort to plan what I’ve already determined to say?
Am I trying to play Holy Spirit and convict someone or guilt them into changing their mind?
If the roles were reversed, would I want the other person to say the same thing to me?
2. Beware of the sly tongue. Proverbs warns, “Like a north wind that brings unexpected rain is a sly tongue—which provokes a horrified look” (25:23).
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word sly means “clever in concealing one’s aims or ends. Lacking in straightforwardness and candor. Lightly mischievous.” Oh, how often my words have been just that!
When faced with the temptation to be sly—to hide behind our words or use them to mislead others—we need to push the pause button. Exploring the reasons for sly speech can help us to dig down deeper into our motives and save ourselves—and others—potential embarrassment.
3. Allow God’s Word to shape your heart. Proverbs 19:27 says, “Stop listening to instruction, my son, and you will stray from the words of knowledge.” When we fail to spend time ingesting God’s Word, we often spill out words that are wrong.
Spending time in God’s Word shapes our hearts—it keeps us on the path of knowledge, which includes knowing the truth behind our motives. It helps us to replace our ill will and wrong motives with the perfect will and words of God.
Let’s vow to never stop listening to biblical instruction and by doing so to keep ourselves from straying from God’s wise way.
There are many important values that we need to teach our kids, but in my opinion one of the most challenging is teaching respect. Actually, it’s more than just teaching our children what respect is, it’s training them to be respectful … and that’s where the problem lies.
From the moment of birth, children are “me” centered. Their sole focus is on having their needs fulfilled—for food, for rest, for comfort. Then, as they grow and become more aware of their world, they start to understand the world of “others.” Lesson by lesson they learn the world does not center on them. What a concept!
Here are two ways to teach respect to preschoolers. You’ll be amazed by how just two things can change everything!
1. Use respectful language.
From your child’s first words we begin to teach respect. “Mama” and “Dada” are loving terms, but they also establish the relationship. They teach children that their parents are not equal to the rest of the world.
From the earliest ages teach your little one how to respect others by using proper terms to define the relationship. Growing up, our kids Cory, Leslie, and Nathan were taught to use the terms “Mr. and Mrs.” when speaking to adults. For example even our closest friends were Mr. and Mrs. Klundt or Mr. and Mrs. Norick. Our children had wonderful relationships with our friends, and now that they are adults they still do! The more formal term did not hinder the relationship in the slightest, but it did teach our children a level of respect.
Now that we live in the South we are teaching our children “Miss” and “Mr.” with the use of first names. For example some of our friends are Mr. Andy, Miss Hannah and Mr. Bruce and Miss Cindy. (Of course they are not really “Miss” but that’s how things are done here.) Again the purpose is to train our children not to treat adults the same way you treat friends.
2. Teach right responses.
For many years we thought our daughter was shy. Anytime someone at the store, at church, or in any public place would approach Leslie she’d run away and hide behind us. She’d refuse to respond. We’d coax her to answer—to say hello or thank you—but it never worked. In the end we’d just apologize and use the excuse, “She’s shy.”
Then, through a parenting curriculum, John and I realized we’d never taught our daughter how to respond. After that we started practicing. We’d act out situations, and we taught her what a good response looks like. We taught her to 1) acknowledge the person talking; 2) smile; and 3) give a short reply such as, “yes,” “no,” or “thank you.”
We practiced with Leslie before we went to places like church or a party, and we rewarded her when she applied it in social situations. It was amazing how our “shy” child opened up. Once she had the right tools, she started having conversations with those talking to her, even at the age of 3! Teaching right responses teaches respect because our children learn that people are worthy of an answer.
Training children can be overwhelming and a lot of work, but teaching your children how to be respectful in these two ways will build a strong foundation for more lessons to come.
I remember exactly where I was when I got my first sexpectation: in a bar full of Navy pilots.
Two air jockeys in leather bomber jackets made their way toward an open bar stool near a pretty blonde. They feigned an argument to garner attention. One of the guys threw a “punch” and the other one ducked right beside the blonde bombshell. Then the one who threw the punch revealed a microphone and began singing, “You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips…”
After a few choruses of the Righteous Brothers’ song, “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling,” the fake pugilist received an invitation to the bar stool, a phone number, and a few days later, found his way into her bed.
If you were born before the 1990s, you know I wasn’t near the bar, but munching obscenely buttered popcorn while watching Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis in Top Gun. But at 16, “sexpectations” took root in my brain: all you need is a leather bomber jacket, a cheesy love song, and a charming smile, and beautiful women you meet for the first time are more than willing to pull back the sheets.
When did you first start developing sexpectations, or sexual expectations?
What do they look like now that you are married?
Sexpectations from culture
Some of our sexpectations are formed by our culture—by the films and television shows we watch and by the attitudes of our friends. And some are just the result of the natural differences in marriage—shaped by gender, family background, childhood experiences, personality differences, and much more.
I’ve found that in marriage, it’s easier to have unspoken sexual expectations rather than real conversations. I expect my wife, Jen, to read my mind, to intuitively know when I’m in the mood, what I want her to wear (or not wear), and how she should “surprise” me with a clandestine rendezvous.
Of course, Jen has her own set of sexpectations. I would ask her, but I’m concerned they would differ too greatly from mine! But I’ve been married long enough to know they involve touching her heart before I touch her body, making sure the kids are in the fifth stage of REM sleep, and triple locking the doors before we enjoy intimacy.
Unfortunately, when our sexpectations don’t meet reality, what’s left is often frustration, disappointment, and isolation. Two becoming one devolves into two becoming none.
God invented it
I’m fairly certain God wants us to have great sex. After all, He invented it (and let’s just go on record saying that was a far better invention than the microchip). Out of 66 books in the Bible, He devoted a whole book just to the topic of sex (Song of Solomon). And just after He created Adam and Eve He turned on some Marvin Gaye music and told them to “get it on.” Okay, Marvin Gaye may be a stretch, but I’m pretty sure scholars will tell you that “get it on” in Hebrew is translated, “naked and unashamed.”
Scripture says enough about sex in marriage that I can point to at least three sexpectations God had when He created intimacy between a man and a woman:
Procreation (Genesis 1:28)
Recreation (Song of Solomon)
Proclamation (Ephesians 5:31-32)
In a fallen world, not everyone has the privilege to procreate, but the Bible encourages those who are married to enjoy each other’s bodies (Proverbs 5:16-19; 1 Corinthians 7:3-5) and reminds us that when two spouses become one flesh they paint a physical picture of a spiritual reality (Ephesians 5:31-32). Paul encourages us to think of sex as a metaphor for Christ’s love for the Church. Christ did not sacrifice Himself for a perfect people who loved him well; instead He knows all of our imperfections, and loves us anyway. When I make love to my wife it should remind me that she knows my imperfections—mental, emotional, and physical—and yet still chooses to give herself completely to me. Sex proclaims the gospel of Christ.
Sex is a powerful experience in marriage, but I find it’s easy to allow unrealistic or even harmful expectations to run rampant through my mind. When that happens I need to stop and ask a few questions:
1. What’s fueling them?
I rarely come up with an original thought, especially about sex. Most of my sexpectations were seeds planted by some show, book, picture, or video. Instead of questioning the media-generated fantasy, I use fantasy to question and inform my own reality. Whether we fuel our sexpectations from TV shows, films, porn, or erotic novels, fantasy has an uncanny ability to sabotage our reality.
This is why Job made a covenant with his eyes—not to let what he sees mess with what he has (Job 31:1). This is why Paul says, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Philippians 4:8). If I don’t discipline the greatest sexual organ in my body—my mind—then it won’t be long before I start humming the words Tom Cruise sang to Kelly McGillis in that bar so many years ago, ” You’ve lost that loving feeling, now it’s gone, gone, gone … whoa-o-whoa-o-o …”
2. What if you shifted your mindset to think about your spouse’s sexual expectations more than your own?
If there was any culture in Scripture that lived out of their sexpectations, it was the Corinthians. Paul writes to them, “Flee from sexual immorality …” (1 Corinthians 6:18) and then talks about how our bodies are not our own (1 Corinthians 7:4-5). This doesn’t mean we have a right to control or dominate our spouse sexually—I think it means we have been bought by Christ “for a price” (1 Corinthians. 6:19-20), and we have made a covenantal promise to our spouse to give all that we are to them, including our bodies.
Sexually speaking, that means we should think far more about their sexpectations than our own (Philippians 2:3). Christ told His disciples that when we die to self we actually find life. Perhaps if we died to our own unrealistic sexual expectations, we might renew our sex life as well.
3. When was the last time you had a real conversation about intimacy with your spouse?
Our culture loves to watch sex more than talk about sex. We all have desires, expectations, and fantasies. God said that our sex drive is like the very flames of the Lord (Song of Solomon 8:6). Left unchecked, those flames can consume us and our most treasured relationships.
I became aware of those desires about the same time I laughed when Maverick and Goose buzzed the tower in Top Gun. And whether it was with my parents or my wife, it has never been easy to talk about sex. One of my professors from seminary used to say, “We should not be ashamed to discuss that which God was not ashamed to create.”
The word intercourse actually means, “interpersonal communication.” Every couple should make time to have some intercourse about intercourse. Ask your spouse how he or she would rate your sex life. What would make it better? Is there anything you could do help create more satisfying intimacy?
Get drunk with love
Solomon wasted many years chasing his sexpectations. Toward the end of his days, he passed some advice onto his son: “Rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe, let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18-19).
If you want to get drunk with love over the long haul, you will need more than a charming smile, leather bomber jacket, and a cute song. If you find your expectations about sex are leaving you frustrated, ask yourself what is fueling them, match them to God’s expectations, and try having a real conversation about them with your spouse.
Then go find some Marvin Gaye … or Norah Jones … or anything but the Righteous Brothers.
Daniel and his wife of two years, Sonja, each brought two children into their marriage. Sonja pointed out to Daniel that each time his ex-wife disappointed his oldest daughter, Cassandra, she would take out her frustration on Sonja and her children. “When my ex says she will pick up the kids at 5 p.m. but doesn’t show until 6:30, Cassandra gets upset. Then she gets defiant, mouths off to my wife, and picks fights with her stepsisters. I’ve asked my ex-wife to keep her promises—and hopefully she will start doing so—but what can I do to help Cassandra not misplace her frustrations?”
And then, even before I could speak, Daniel had an epiphany.
“Oh my,” he said. “I do this, too.”
He thought for a moment and continued. “My wife’s ex-husband is not paying child support, and I have had to get a second job to cover our expenses. I just realized that I am easily angered by Sonja’s girls, but it’s not really them I’m angry with. What can we do about all of this?”
There are a few reasons we displace our frustrations on to others:
It’s more expedient to be angry with those who are right in front of us. Anger is not a patient emotion. When Mom disappoints Cassandra, Mom isn’t around, but Sonja is. Likewise, Daniel doesn’t have access to his wife’s ex-husband, so he finds himself angry with the ex-husband’s children. The anger spills out on to whoever happens to be close at hand.
It’s safer to be angry with “less important” people. Sometimes in stepfamilies, the newest members of the family (the “step-people”) are easier targets. You don’t have the same depth of relationship that you have with your own children, so they seem less important to you.
It’s safer to be angry with safe people. There are two kinds of safe people. The first are those who we know can handle our anger. We trust them to be emotionally stable enough to take it. So really, showing them our anger is a backward compliment. The second are those connected to us in a stable relationship. Sonja’s stepdaughter has a very fragile relationship with her biological mother; for Cassandra to show anger toward her mother might push her farther away from Cassandra. It’s far less risky to be frustrated with her stepmom who has proven herself reliable.
Getting centered
Being responsible for our anger and managing it appropriately starts with getting centered on the real reason we are angry. But here’s an important key: We also have to recognize why we are afraid to direct the anger toward the right person. We have to ask ourselves… Am I fearful of pushing him or her further away? Am I fearful that I am partly responsible for what is happening? Am I feeling vulnerable or fragile in the home? Recognizing and taking responsibility for our fear will help us shift the focus back where it belongs.
But what if our children are misplacing their anger? How do we help them? Often the challenge is we don’t know why they’re angry, or with whom they’re angry. As parents we usually have a theory or two (and we’re often on target), but to assume we know is a mistake, especially with older children. When we approach our child, we need to be tentative with our thoughts in order to invite them to join us in exploring what is going on.
I suggested to Daniel the following script to engage his daughter. Approaching her with a soft, compassionate tone is a key to helping her find a repentant heart:
Cassandra, I’ve noticed a pattern that I need your help addressing. When your mother disappoints you, you frequently take out your frustration on Sonja or her kids. Now I know you are a generally respectful young lady, so it confuses me a little when you lash out at them. I’m thinking you are really hurt by your mom—you just take it out on the next easy target. Can you help me with that?
Once Cassandra recognizes her misplaced anger, Daniel can gently lead her to apologize to Sonja and figure out how she will appropriately deal with her hurt and anger toward her mother.
Dennis Rainey, co-founder of FamilyLife, was driving home at the end of one particularly long day, looking forward to relaxing. But his plans came to a halt when he turned on the radio and heard someone say, “I hope you did something of value today. You wasted a whole day if you didn’t.”
Realizing the most important work of his day was yet to be done, 10 minutes later he turned into his driveway. Six pairs of eyes soon surrounded his car with shouts of “Daddy … Daddy … Daddy!”
“I did my best that night, and on the many nights that followed while my kids were growing up,” Dennis writes, “to leave, with God’s help, a legacy that counts. A legacy that will outlive me.”
Dennis recognized something many ignore: Fathers are important.
Despite this, dads are often underappreciated. So we decided to enlist the readers of our e-zine, Help & Hope from FamilyLife, to help us honor fathers for what they do well. From the dozens of responses, we noticed a few themes.
Spiritual leadership
Over and over, Help & Hope readers applauded the dads in their lives for taking the words of Deuteronomy 6:6-7 seriously: “These words, that I command you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children …”
Beth wrote to say that her husband does just that. She said that he “… leads in family worship, Bible reading, and prayer; seeks to love their mama well and disciplines himself for the purpose of godliness.”
Jacqueline wrote that she appreciates the important role her husband plays in her family. “My husband led me to Christ and he leads our family… There is no doubt in my mind that we are still married today only because he has made God the center of our family.”
On this topic others wrote:
“Every Sunday morning he takes us to church instead of playing golf.” –Gina
“He loves God. He prays for us and prays for his spiritual growth, so that he will continue to change and guide his family in God’s path.” – Jenny
“He encouraged us to wait on God’s timing, to not be bitter against the people who had wronged us, and to see that God was sovereign in it all and working for our good.” – Susan
“Though he is not the biological father to my children, he treats them as if they are his own. … For my daughter he describes what a man should be in a godly way and how he should treat her as a lady, for my son he shares how much he respects him … He prays with and over all of our children and shares with them what God lays on his heart. I admire the openness— that he is not afraid to share his weaknesses and his fears with our children.” – Raquel
“He lives out the Bible and his role as a godly man in front of the children. – Tearrah
Living examples
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 11:1, “Be imitators of me, as I am in Christ.” Like Paul, any Christ-follower should be an imitator of His love and grace. And when fathers do this well, it really stands out.
Reba said her husband models humility: “He talks with our son about mistakes he has made in his life that he hopes our son will avoid.” She added that her own father’s example had a big impact on her—it taught her never to punish in anger or give consequences in anger.
Cindy described her father: He not only said, “Give to those in need,” but also modeled generosity, even when he lost his job. She recalled shopping at a grocery store with her dad when she was a child. They bought the cheapest macaroni and cheese and cans of pork and beans they could find. But after purchasing 10 of each, they gave one box of macaroni and cheese and one can of pork and beans to their church. The next day someone from the church delivered three bags of groceries to her family—one had the macaroni and cheese and beans they had given on top. “We cried,” she wrote.
Terri said her father puts God first, her mother second, and his children third. That example has “impacted me most about my dad. … Nothing else has ever come before us, in childhood or now. I have never doubted his love.”
Sheryl’s dad didn’t just encourage her to read God’s Word. She wrote, “I often would walk past our living room to see my dad reading his Bible.”
And Isaac is very grateful that his father demonstrated that “being a man has less to do with winning the argument or saying the last word, and more with humbly leading the family to the throne room of God in prayer.” His father’s example has inspired Isaac to react to anger by first “laying it before God, asking Him to change my heart, and then addressing the issue in question with the grace He supplies.”
A father’s presence
“Children are a heritage from the Lord,” says Psalm 127:3. And involved fathers show this by being present in their kids’ lives.
Mindy’s husband has backed up his words by his actions. “He is present and he truly models the importance of being together as a father,” she wrote.
A grown woman now, Susan said one of her favorite memories is about her dad driving the bus for her school’s track team. “I ran long distance races,” she said, “and he would stand by the final corner of the track, where no one else usually stood, and cheer me on.”
And Lynn’s husband showed up unannounced every year on their daughter’s birthday, whether she was at school or practicing for a sports team. Once he came dressed as Aristotle to her class on Greek and Roman literature. On their daughter’s first year away from home, “he flew to Wheaton College … with a cake and flowers and led everyone at lunch in singing ‘Happy Birthday.'”
Another mom, Donna, wrote that her husband “loves to connect and laugh with his boys. He finds things in common, will watch TV, or play ball. He doesn’t want to just correct.”
Carla’s husband enjoys golf and uses it as an opportunity to have a relaxed fun time to interact with their six sons. “When they were little, with their plastic or junior clubs, it was often more frustrating or comedic than fun,” she said, “but now the oldest is 26 and the youngest is 15 and they enjoy the game and great conversation.”
Dennis’s dad worked a lot but was always available to the kids. Dennis said that his dad “took an interest in my life. Told me to remove the word ‘can’t’ from my vocabulary.”
Gina said her husband spends special, separate time with each of their kids. He also looks for opportunities to teach the children about life skills, like using maps and finding their way around their town. And he helps them think about the future.
Wendy and her husband have five kids, ages 5-16. She wrote, “He is doing a great job engaging the kids on their level, telling the 5-year-old hilarious bedtime stories, teaching the middles the ins and outs of chess, and watching dad/teenager humor movies that Mom has no interest in. Bonding with each, appropriately.”
Stepping up to responsibility
Jeremiah 29:11 reads, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Responsible fathers have to trust God’s plans as they follow His blueprints for their families, even when it’s difficult.
David wrote that although his father was absent emotionally and was quite demanding at times, he provided well for his family. “It was his love language,” David said. His father had lived through World War II and knew the difficulties that living without can bring. “For him [providing] was the best way he could show us he loved us.
Before Nancy and Mike had kids, her husband was not very interested in housework. But that changed after they had twins. “I didn’t have to beg, threaten, or nag,” she wrote. “He knew there was just no way I would ever keep up while caring for two colicky babies all day.” Nancy’s husband readily accepted his new responsibilities, and when he got home from work he held a crying baby. He also began a lifetime of helping with the housework. “Those twins are 11 now, but he still helps by doing dishes almost every night while I am tucking five kiddos in bed!”
And Pamela recalled when one of her sons lost his financial aid after his first semester in college because he was “goofing around.” After living back at home for a couple of months, Dad explained what was expected of him—and this included finding a job by a specific date. True to his word, when the son showed no interested in being responsible, Dad told him told to move out. “But praise God,” Pamela wrote, “eight years later this son has been thriving on his own and has expressed his gratitude to my husband for showing him tough love.”
Well deserved applause
When Chrystie was about 7 years old, she and her dad were in their backyard, peering into the dark night sky. “There were the most stars we have ever seen, even to this day,” she said.
Now, decades later, she still remembers that night, and so does her dad. When Chrystie and her father happen to be together on a starry night, he will glance over at her. “Neither of us need to say anything,” she said. “But he always asks, ‘Do you remember what this reminds me of?'” And then he smiles.
Yes, fathers are important. The wise ones want to leave a legacy that counts. And if you are married to one of these amazing men, take some time on Father’s Day to express your appreciation for a sometimes thankless job. Gather the children together and give him some well deserved applause!
“No matter what, Dad, don’t take your hand off of the seat. Okay?” These were the last words my son said as he sat on his bike minus the training wheels.
I started pushing him down the street with my hand firmly on his bike seat. Putting on my best Coach Dad voice, “You’re doing great, Buddy. You’ve got this. Just like you’ve done every other time.”
When the bike was going as fast as I could run, I took my hand off the seat. But it did not matter. He had it! He rode like a champ. The handlebars were secure, the wheels pointed straight, and he had all the confidence he needed. Until he looked over his shoulder, that is. Yep, you know what happened next.
Instead of looking at the road ahead, he wanted to know where I went. It didn’t take long until the bike was crashing into the curb and he was sliding across the handlebars. He was hurt, embarrassed, and done with riding a bike. He wanted to stop for the day, but I did the same thing you did when you taught your child to ride a bike. I picked him up and put him back on the bike.
I would love to say this was the last time he crashed. Instead he spent the next hour looking over his shoulder only to wobble and fall again. And every time he got unbalanced, I picked him up, just as you did with your own child.
It’s hard watching our children crash their bike when they are 4 or 5; it’s brutal watching them crash with things they attempt at 14. Even though we mark the boundaries, we always have to let go to see how they do on their own.
As much as we hate it, they will fall. They will lose control, make poor choices, and have to deal with shame, grief, and remorse. Worse yet, they will not always know instantly how to get back up again. These are the times they will need you most.
The value of harsh times
We have to keep in mind that for many of us, the greatest seasons of spiritual maturity came during the harsh times. Instead of taking away all of the hurts in life, we must help our children see God during those times. After equipping them with everything they need to get started, we have to open the door to see what happens.
At some point, we move from talking about healthy boundaries in dating to letting our teens go on a date. We move from talking about honoring God with technology to letting them have a cell phone or Instagram account. We move beyond theoretical moral issues that God has addressed in His Word to real life circumstances.
Before you can teach your child how to get up after a fall in life, you have to understand what kind of fall they are experiencing. Not all falls are the same, nor are they all your child’s fault. The more you understand the situation, the better equipped you will be to give them the truth they need and to help them see that God is still at work. On any given day, your child can have one of three different types of falls. They all hurt.
1. An unprovoked circumstance
This kind of fall is like a punch in the gut that seemingly comes out of nowhere. There isn’t anything that your child necessarily did wrong; something unfortunate happens to them.
Perhaps your 10-year-old daughter is at school and for some unknown reason a bully decides to unleash vile threats on her. Or simply because your son happens to be on a certain sports team, he has to face the consequences of the entire team’s punishment for one team member’s wrongdoing.
Recently, I read a story about a 13-year-old girl whose photo was posted to a porn site. It was an innocent picture of her in a bathing suit from a family vacation. Someone had lifted the photo from her Facebook profile and posted it on an adult site as a teaser picture. A boy at her school discovered the picture and started passing it around to all the other guys. No one questioned her classmate’s lack of character for being on the porn site or passing around the picture. She on the other hand, was labeled with a reputation for something she hadn’t even done. You can imagine her devastation.
The difficulty of dealing with an unprovoked circumstance is that there is nothing to repent from, nothing to make better, and nothing you could have done differently. It just happened. You have to help your child process and respond. Their tendency can be to internalize the situation. In a child’s or young teen’s mind, this happened because there is something wrong with them. They aren’t good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough to have turned the tables in their favor.
You know from your own experience growing up, that your teenager will bear an ample share of unprovoked circumstances. As faithfully as you can, it will be your responsibility as well as your honor, to walk alongside your teen as they face the consequences of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
2. An unmet opportunity
This type of falling usually involves the death of a dream or a goal that never quite comes together. Maybe your daughter was looking forward to getting a role in the school play, but she didn’t get a callback. It could be your son made straight A’s for the first three nine weeks, but earned two B’s on the last report card, moving him out of the running for the highest ranking in his class.
The longer the dream or goal has existed, the harder the fall can be; especially if you’ve encouraged the dream. As gently as you can, you will need to be the one to validate your teen’s grieving process, giving them space to experience disappointment, anger, regret, and finally acceptance as they face the loss of a hoped for opportunity.
3. A moral compromise
This is the one that parents tend to latch onto with the most anxiety. Whether intentional or unintentional, your teen may choose less than God’s best in a moral situation. More often than not, I find that teenagers rarely set out to intentionally sabotage their lives through moral compromise. Instead, there is usually some other thinking process involved.
A student who cheats on a test does not generally think through the potential consequences he will face in terms of damaged relationships with teacher, peers, and parents when he chooses to cheat. All he is thinking about is that he has the chance to see the answers he needs for a higher grade. I’m not excusing wrong decisions; I am simply saying I understand how it happens. It wasn’t always a conscious choice to do something destructive.
Certainly, there will be times your child willfully chooses less than God’s best. Just like with every one of us, there will be days they will say, “Today I want it my way and I don’t care what anyone thinks.” Even when you have walked with them through God’s design for life in this particular area of integrity or relationships, they may choose a shortcut. Seeing and understanding what God’s plan is, they still choose their own way. And then they will face results that are devastating, leaving them wondering, How did I get here? This is not what I thought would happen.
Your role is to walk alongside the moral failure. More often than not, the way your teen understands how to admit a moral failure and appropriately deal with the necessary steps for admitting wrong, moving toward restoration, and “standing back up,” will largely come from the way you respond to their falling and getting back up again.
5 steps to help them get back up again
First, explain God’s pruning process in your own life. Your child has an unmet opportunity—they didn’t make the team, they weren’t invited to the party, they wanted a certain car but didn’t get it, they were rejected by a crush. Instead of insisting that they suck it up and stop the whining, you can share a time when you didn’t get something you had your heart set on. From your perspective then, God withheld a blessing from you. Looking back you understand that God had a different plan and worked things out for your best interest.
Second, invite them into your valleys and mountaintops. The longer you have followed Christ, the easier you recognize the changing seasons of your spiritual life. Your teenager does not. Most likely, your son or daughter has not learned to live connected to God regardless of what their emotions are telling them. When you invite your teenager into your own spiritual highs and lows, they begin to see what a daily walk with Christ looks like.
Third, be willing to share your own life mistakes when appropriate. At times, admitting a past moral failure to your child can help them know that not only can you relate and understand firsthand what they are going through, but you also can tell them how God provided a way out for you.
Fourth, model biblical restoration by being willing to ask for forgiveness yourself. We think it is our job to point out error and our child’s job to admit their wrong to us and to God. However, one of the best ways to model making things right with God and other people is to be willing to humbly admit when you have wronged your child. When you seek forgiveness for wronging them, you are modeling for them how to seek forgiveness from the Lord.
Finally, discipline within the context of a relationship. Many years ago, Josh McDowell said something profound that has stuck with me to help shape my own parenting: “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion. Relationship without rules leads to chaos.”
At some point, I’ve said to each of my children, “I wish with every fiber of my being that you had chosen differently, because I know what this means in terms of the spiritual, social, and emotional consequences. It might be a difficult path ahead to overcome this. Even so, I can promise to be with you in it now, and I am willing to stay in it with you for however long it takes until things are right again.” Your child wants to know not just that you care, but that you see a day when things will be right again.
Editor’s note, May 2015: In a recent FamilyLife contest, participants were asked, “What marriage do you most admire, and why?” Here’s a selection of their responses. For more, read “The Marriages We Admire.”
1. My former pastor and his wife … they are both with the Lord now. They had very different strengths but they always showed each other the utmost respect and love and were a testimony to me in my middle school years. It was very clear to everyone that they treasured each other.
2. My brother Tracy and his wife Kelsie. They married young, at 19 and 20, and I had doubts about their chances of a successful marriage, just based on their ages. They will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in July and have 8 children. They are truly, to me, the epitome of what a marriage and family should be. Their selflessness and commitment to each other, their children, family, and friends it’s something we admire and aspire to!
3. I truly admire my parents’ marriage the most. They met when they were 21 and 24 and married within 6 weeks. I grew up seeing them go through extreme financial challenges but my mom only worked part-time jobs while we were at school so she could be home with us before and after school. I never saw them raise their voices to one another. There may have been times when I sensed they were unhappy about something but they did not let us see them fight. After we all graduated, got married and moved away, I saw their relationship become even sweeter and more loving. I hope that my husband and I can also find a deeper love for one another that will help our marriage become as strong as theirs.
4. My husband and I both admire our grandparents’ marriages. No matter what life threw at them, they stayed grounded in their faith and each other. They knew God had plans for them and their marriages and they tried to listen and follow. That is what we strive for in our marriage and life together with Christ.
5. I admire our parents’ marriages most. Our parents have stayed married through many years and many ups and downs. We know their lives behind the scenes. They have been wonderful examples to us on how to stay married. They don’t have marriage rules that I can tell but they taught us well by living their lives and honoring their spouses and the Lord.
6. Both of my parents are deceased, but their marriage is what I want my marriage to model. They loved each other til they died. They went on vacation by themselves once a year. They provided a great home to grow up in. As kids we had everything we needed so we could grow and thrive as adults.
7. I think I would choose my grandparents. They spent a lot of time at church together and working to share God’s love, but then they could fight like nobody’s business but then go to bed happy and contented. They enjoyed spending time with family and laughing. Playing games and things. When one died before the other they missed the other one immensely. They shared their happiness with each other and stayed together throughout life’s many challenges. Parkinsons disease and Alzheimer’s attacked each of them. But through all of that they loved each other and kept encouraging one another to heal and kick the diseases. Amazing to think about and miss them since they have been gone for 5 years. At least we have memories!
8. The answer to this question has changed many times for me over the years. What I used to think was an admirable quality in marriage is not what I think now. So if at this time having to pick one couple, it would be my son and his wife. They attended their first weekend to remember in February. They came to the weekend on the brink of filing for divorce and left with renewed love and hope. God is good !!
9. I admire our Pastor and his wife’s marriage the most. They are just real people. They have struggles and issues just like everyone else but they prioritize one another. Even in the midst of church life and ministry they take time most weeks for date night and for family night. They have nicknames for each other and when they are together you see the love and respect they have for one another. When he or she is on stage at church and the other is watching from the audience, there is such a look of love and admiration on their spouses face as they watch them. They have helped shape us into the spouses we are today by watching them and learning from them over the last twenty years. They are an example of the kind of marriage we want.
10. Chip and Theresa Ingram because of the blended family aspect and how he has let God work in him and through him with his step children. Also as a pastor his marriage has many serious demands, but the evidence in his series Effective Parenting in a Defective World is that they are successful at both launching their arrows and maintaining their bond with God and each other.
11. My parents – My mom is no longer living but while she was alive, I saw how my parents stuck by each other through all of life’s ups and downs. As my mom’s health failed, my dad stayed by her side. They modeled for my siblings and me what a marriage was supposed to function.
12. My parents. My father is in a state care facility five hours away from where we live because he has Alzheimers. She desperately wanted him closer, but because he had become so aggressive, my mom had no choice but to have him there. My mother faithfully has cared for him the last 5 years in their home until it got unmanageable this last Christmas. Now she drives to the facility every other week to visit him and make sure that he knows that he’s loved. Sometimes he remembers her and sometimes he does not. She also calls him often. They’ve been married for 40 years and have stood the test of time when the going is really tough.
13. We had a couple model a Christ centered marriage to us early in our marriage. They met with us and helped us set up a budget. He mentored my husband and she mentored me and showed us with their actions what it takes to have a healthy marriage that honors our Lord.
14. Walter & Melba Hooker, because God radiates through them. You can see the love & respect they have for each other. They put God first in everything together.
15. One of the most recent marriages I have really learned about has become my favorite. It is the story from the Bible about Boaz and Ruth. The thing that sticks out the most is the character they displayed. Ruth was honorable, humble and loyal. She left all that she knew and went into the unknown to take care of Naomi. Boaz was an honorable, humble man that displayed his faith to those in the fields. He took notice of Ruth’s servant heart and in return took care of her. They did things the right way it seems. Over time they fell in love with each other. Boaz even had to lay aside his pride and own desires to do what was right. He had to approach another man that had the first right to marry Ruth. Through it all they remained a man and a woman with true character and loved God first.
16. I know this may seem inappropriate here but after giving a great deal of thought to this question my answer is Dennis and Barbara Rainey. I didn’t have any good examples of a Godly marriage growing up so there wasn’t anyone modeling what I felt like God wanted for couples when it was close to time for me to get married. I started reading everything I could at our library in Bible College to help me out. Once I started reading the Family Life materials I discovered a kinship and have felt like I know Dennis and Barbara through their materials. I really appreciate the work they are doing.
17. The marriage I admire most is that of my in-laws. My father in law passed several years ago due to Alzheimer’s disease. They were high school sweethearts. As his disease progressed my mother in law would fill in the words where he could not, and she knew exactly what he needed even when he could not remember what it was. Once, when we took him out to shop for a gift for her, after he found the perfect Yankee Candle for her, he immediately wanted to go home. He wanted to be with her every moment possible as he drew closer to the end of his life on earth. The day before he died, she was sitting on the edge of his bed. Though he had not spoken an intelligible word for weeks nor had he been responsive for three days, his eyes opened, he pulled her close, she gave him a kiss and he patted her on the buttocks. It is a scene that I will never forget. I pray that my husband and I can be in such communion that no matter what happens to either of us, we always reach for the other.
18. Although I admire my parent’s marriage and they have set a very good example of marriage, my Aunt and Uncle come to mind because they have been a wonderful example of a loving marriage who put God first in their marriage and have drawn strength from their relationship with Christ. My Uncle passed away almost fifteen years ago and had suffered many years with debilitating arthritis before he later developed bladder cancer. My Aunt cared for him all those years without complaint, lovingly, and always put him first before herself. It was evident they loved each other very much and they still kept their sense of humor throughout his illnesses. During the tough times, she shared about her dependence on God and how she received strength to face the hard times from Him. They were both a great example of love.
19. The marriage I admire most is that of my buddy Paul. I can see his unconditional love, their communication, and their faithfullness to the Lord.
20. Our friends Rachel and Rudy Hernandez. They have always loved God so much and love each other in a special way in return. No matter what happens in their lives they are always smiling and trusting God’s plan. They have the same anniversary as us but have been married decades longer.
21. Wow, there are many. All are successful because of their faith and commitment to God. I think of George and Laura Bush, George and Barbara Bush, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Billy and Ruth Graham, and Dennis and Barbara Rainey! But if I have to pick one, I would say Billy and Ruth Graham. We all know how dedicated Billy Graham was as an evangelist leading so many people to Christ. It takes God, good communications, and a strong commitment to keep a marriage like theirs strong for all those years. Ruth supported her husband but also took care of the children. She was a strong woman and together, with the Lord, they walked as one.
22. I admire those like Jim and Shirley Dobson. There are also Steve and Kathy Gallagher and Jeff and Rose Colon from Pure Life Ministries. In our local church there are Steve and Mary Lowenberg and Mit and Judy Williams.
23. There was a couple that is much older and they really had a great marriage. The husband has gone on to be with the Lord now, but they really did everything together. They served the Lord together and were very happy. She’ll always miss him.
24. Hard question to answer. Like my wife, I was raised in a broken home. I never had the opportunity to see the model of a healthy marriage. My wife and I had to re-learn how to approach marriage and relationship through the training I have received. And, over the years I have come to realize that marriages that look wonderful on to the outside world may not be so satisfying and joyful. So while I can’t give you a marriage I admire most, I can give you a relationship I admire most and that is God and His love for us. It is amazing that we have the unconditional love of our creator. It is a love that we do not desire but it also is a love that we can learn from. The best thing that my wife and I have done in our 16-year marriage is let God in. We have found Him to be a great support and comforter to us. And His presence is what helps us work around our “rough” edges.
25. The marriage I admire the most is my boss’s marriage. He and his wife had many years of conflict and divorce was imminent at times. He had a tendency to try to bull-doze her and control outcomes. She, on the hand, had very firm boundaries and wouldn’t budge. My boss chose to focus on what God wanted him to do to be a man of integrity, even when his wife refused to be intimate with him for an extended period of time and was very difficult to live with. My boss allowed God to transform his heart, even when it seemed his wife refused to change; and even if the marriage ultimately failed. He also stopped asking his wife to trust him. Instead, he focused on being trustworthy. In taking the pressure off his wife, and allowing God to work on him, his wife chose to let the Lord work on her heart and she re-engaged in the marriage. They are now enjoying an intimate and loving union and their story is an encouragement to many others with struggling marriages.
26. I admire my sister’s marriage the most. They demonstrate love, commitment, and sacrifice. They show me that it’s okay to have arguments because deep down they love each other.
27. I most admire my parents’ marriage. They started out very young, getting married at 19 and 17 years old, with a baby on the way. In December, they will be married for 40 years. (How amazing!) They have been through many, many struggles and joys through the years. They have held on tight to each other and to God when times were tough, and they have celebrated their joys together too. They have helped each other to grow and yet accepted each other unconditionally. After all this time, they truly are still “in love,” and their love is evident to anyone looking at them. They are best friends – enjoying their time together and sharing daily life. What a blessing to grow up in a household where these were my role-models! My parents’ love for each other, for their children, for their grandchildren, and for Christ are an inspiration!
28. Marti and Kalet Lieberman. They are an elderly couple who have been at this marriage thing for a long time. They’ve been through it all and have embraced every situation to make their relationship better…or as they say, to demonstrate the strength of their relationship. They remain playful, flirtatious and deeply committed to one another’s well-being and pleasure in life and we love being around them!
29. I admire my spiritual grandparent’s marriage. My godfather passed away several years ago, but I vividly remember the love that he had for his wife and I can still see how much she loves and misses him. Their marriage went the distance and lasted until death. I admire how they had different ways of communicating, but they both love the Lord with all of their hearts.
30. A couple at church that serve in the community and have a heart for the least of these.
31. The marriage I most admire are my friend’s Greg and Suzette marriage. They currently lead our weekly couple’s Bible study and they faithfully week in and week out open their home to our remarried couples group. They exemplify a God-loving couple who serve consistently together at church during weekend services in guest services and children’s programs and are willing to lead and reach out to others who do not know the Lord. When I grow up, I want to be just like them!
32. Our friends, Mac and Nicole. They are strong in their faith, they have persevered through many trials, and they seem to love each other very much.
33. At my Father’s passing in 2012, my parents had been married for fifty three years. Their life together wasn’t always picturesque; however, they were both Godly people and always had the faith that God would see them through and He did. My parents always took us to Church and led Godly, exemplary lives for me and my two siblings to follow. For my entire life, I have never had to wonder if my parents loved each other or were happy being married to one another. My mom has struggled since my Father stepped into Heaven but she relies on God’s promises that they will be together again. I pray every day that my children will see in their parents the daily love and devotion I saw in mine every day of their lives.
34. I don’t particularly have one certain couple that I admire. I look at couples all around me and listen to stories and hear them say “We been married for over 40+ years” and I think to myself, “WOW”…. you don’t find that much anymore and when you do you can see the love they have for one another and know that they at one point had struggles but persevered and held tight. I love to hear the older generation tell their tales of life and know that it can be done. I am a divorcee and so wish I could be one of those who could have said, “We been married for over 40+ years.” I know God created marriage to be a unity with Him and without Him it is a downhill battle.
35. I admire my brother-in-law, Paul, and his wife, Jody’s, marriage. They serve the Lord together, set a godly example for their two children, and love life together. I think that they set a great example for my wife and me on how we can sacrifice to serve God and raise up godly children, while still laughing and enjoying life.
36. I admire my sister and brother-in-law’s marriage. They have definitely had their ups and downs but they support each other constantly. They also feel comfortable communicating with each other over things they disagree on or are bothered by. I have always looked up to my sister, and I continue to look up to her and learn from her relationship with her husband. They made me realize that marriage is work and it is not easy. However, that doesn’t mean you weren’t meant to be married to each other, it just shows how much you love that person because you will work hard to stay in the relationship.
37. Sadly, I don’t know personally many marriages that fall in to this category—even within the church. I want to change that with our marriage starting now, and my prayer is to leave a different legacy for our children and grandchildren. One that shows a true biblical marriage—a role model marriage for them. Not perfect by any means, but one that models God’s plan for marriage as best we can. There is one couple in our Bible study that has a strong, godly marriage. They’ve been married 50 some years, and they are open and vulnerable about their struggles along the way. They’ve kept God as the center, and have devoted these “senior” years to helping other couples. The wife, though strong willed and outspoken, maintains a true submissive attitude toward her husband, but does so without complaining or appearing to be a “doormat”. She’s a regal, well spoken, elegant, intelligent and strong woman—but allows her husband to lead. It’s beautiful. He, true to biblical teaching—loves her so much, just as Christ loves the church and treats her with kindness and gentleness, and never in a domineering manner. This is the marriage that I admire most.
38. My parents’ marriage is the one I admire most. As I remember my childhood, what sticks out is the love they showed each other every day. When Mom stayed at home, the first thing Dad would do when he came home from work was give Mom a hug, kiss and then spend 10-15 minutes alone together to reconnect before the evening ensued at being parents. Despite seven children presenting a multitude of challenges, they knew the most important relationship, the one on which all the others depended, was theirs as a couple. It was the best example for all of us to follow, and follow it we did. All of us have long standing, strong and loving marriages, directly contrasting the culture around us.
39. My parents’. They were best friends and modeled love, communication, faith, and compassion.
40. Richard and Jennifer Rogers because God is the center of all they do.
41. I most admire my wife’s former marriage to her deceased husband, Randy. They were married for around 30 years before he succumbed to cancer. He was a godly man, and they raised two great children, who have since bourn us grandchildren. My wife and her former husband together helped a lot of people to strengthen their relationship with Christ or come to Christ in the first place. I pray I can do as good a job as a husband and father as he did with my wife and his children, with my own two sons from my former marriage, while bringing all of us closer to Christ.
43. It would probably we ours because we firmly believe we are the foundation of future generations. (We both came from dysfunctional families.) To see the work He has done in our marriage is nothing short of a miracle. It is a living testimony to our children and grandchildren of the goodness and faithfulness of our God and how He blesses those who earnestly seek Him!
44. My Grandparents. They stayed together until the end.
45. The marriage I admire most is my parents. Early on in their marriage my dad was unfaithful. Now that I’m married and an adult, I have no idea how she stayed with him. I don’t believe I could have. But, God’s grace is bigger than us, and He had a divine plan to Romans 8:28 their marriage! My mom forgave my dad, forgave the other women, and loved my dad. I was the last one out of six to become a Christian, so watching this unfold in front of me made me love and respect my mom and dad more. … with God’s love inside of them, they repented and made their marriage thrive! My mom passed away right before their 42nd anniversary, but I’m telling you what, she left a legacy for all of us kids, that spoke, “You can do all things through Christ”. My parents’ marriage was one of commitment, covenant, and promise. I believe the road work has been paved for generations to come. There is so much more to write on this, but I know I’m limited, so I would like to end with, thank you God for unveiling your infinite love for us through my parents’ marriage! It has truly changed me from the inside out!
46. My aunt and uncle. Their marriage was centered around their faith and family. They did not have any easy life but had many friends and always seemed positive and happy.
47. My parents. They have been married 57 years. Last summer defined their marriage. We own a cabin next to their cabin. One morning I went down to their cabin in the morning. My parents were sitting by the table one with the Bible, the other with a daily devotion. They were spending time together growing closer to God. You can’t help but admire that!
48. Any elderly couple that is walking together, laughing and holding hands.
49. There are so few good examples of good marriages. The one that stands out as one to admire is my in-laws. This past year they celebrated their 50th anniversary. In the 28 years I’ve known them I have seen them take a huge risk to start a business, even when their marriage was rocky, at best. They were very successful and amassed a significant fortune, only to see most of that wiped out with the failing economy. Also in the midst of this time, they lost their youngest son to a very aggressive brain tumor. The stress of losing a child to a horrible illness nearly tore the family apart, but their commitment kept them together. I have seen both of them put their focus on Jesus, and while they are still far from perfect, they demonstrate what happens when you focus on what is truly important and not on your current circumstances.
50. I think the marriage I admire most is my parents’. It is obviously the one I’ve seen the most up-close having spent the first 21 years of my life living with them and watching them day by day. Growing up I didn’t really think a lot about their marriage other than to be glad they were married and not divorced, but now that I’m an adult and have been married 11 years I have a much different perspective and appreciation for their marriage.
I’m the third of eight children and my mom homeschooled us while my dad worked from a home office as a salesman. I admire them because they approach their marriage and family so selflessly and sacrificially. I admire them because they jointly have embraced God’s calling on their lives to have a large family and raise us in a God-fearing way. Obviously, my up-close view of their marriage means I’m aware that it isn’t perfect, just like every marriage. But I greatly admire and respect them for the fact that they have always put such a strong priority on family time and helping our family to be close.
I think that process started with their understanding that the strongest bond two people can have is Christ, so they prayed for their children and taught us the Bible in hopes that we would all come to know the Lord as they do. Next I think they understood that if the parents have a strong bond then it sets the tone for the rest of the family, so they took getaways together and made it very clear that they are unreservedly, wholeheartedly committed to each other. Finally, they always emphasized togetherness and a team atmosphere for all of us kids.
The proof of their success is that by God’s grace all of their children are walking with Him, and even though we are such a large family (23 altogether now with 3 spouses and 10 grandchildren having been added so far) we are a very close group. So much so that if any part of the group is missing it seems like we are incomplete …
I realize I went a little into my admiration for them as parents, but even their parenting started with their marriage and building it on the rock of Christ and then continuing to seek to keep it strong so that they together can accomplish those things that the Lord is calling them to do. That is my prayer for my marriage—that as a couple we would push each other closer to the Lord and together accomplish great things for Him.
Two days a week I enter a nearby state prison.
I pass through a metal detector, three sets of electric gates, and the interior chain-link and razor-wire fence.I watch as the inmates emerge from their dorms after the morning head count, staying single-file between painted lines.
Medically able inmates head to jobs in the laundry, kitchen, or doing prison maintenance. Some are assigned vocational or educational classes, substance abuse programs, or behavioral programs about parenting or anger management.
And then there are the chapel programs.
Prisoners file into the chapel where Promise Keepers praise music plays in the background. They are here to watch this week’s session of Stepping Up®, a 10-week video series on courageous biblical manhood.
As the video ends, the men break up into discussion groups. Sometimes there are 50 men present, sometimes 20, but those who come are riveted to the men on screen, talking about what it means to be a good father and husband, and a godly leader.
Prison isn’t a safe place for men to be vulnerable. Inmates keep their guard up. Trust comes slowly, especially for those inside for the first time.And yet our discussions are characterized by men sharing stories of painful lives and challenging backgrounds. Many of the concepts communicated in Stepping Up are new to them, but they resonate immediately.
“I thought I’d been a good father because I provided financially,” one inmate says. “These videos have shown me just how wrong I was. Now I know how to change that with my 17-year-old daughter, if it’s not too late.”
Session Four features a Christian inmate who found a similar video in his prison’s library. He hosted showings of it. Over a 10-year period, God used him to touch the lives of hundreds of inmates, changing the atmosphere of a whole prison.
After watching that story, a small, wiry tattooed inmate said, “I’ve always heard about a relationship with Christ, but I’ve never known how to start that.” Two spiritually mature inmates tell him how, before helping him decide to start that relationship there and then.
A young inmate, days away from completing his term, asks, “Where can I order this course? I want to start showing this to other men in the church I’ll be involved in.”
“I can actually thank God for prison,” says another inmate. “If I weren’t in here, I never would have gotten involved in programs like this, and they’ve changed my life.”
In Matthew 25, Jesus says, “I was in prison, and you came to visit Me’ … whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of Mine, you did for Me.”
Author and speaker Dennis Rainey, who hosts the Stepping Up videos, was told by a former prisoner, “Inmates are the lepers of our day. They feel devalued, they feel forgotten, they feel shunned.”
One of the inmates I know recently told me, “For those of us without family and friends nearby, you coming in here regularly is a tangible expression of God’s love to us.”
That’s why time inside my local prison has become the highlight of my week.
Al and Dolores, of Dallas, Texas, started out as high school sweethearts. They met at a party and continued to date until Dolores became pregnant during 10th grade. Dolores wanted to give the baby up for adoption because she thought a child would keep her from fulfilling her dream of going to college, but Al wanted to get married. And Dolores’ father wouldn’t allow the adoption anyway. As soon as she turned 17, the two were married by the justice of the peace.
Jim’s new conviction about who he should (or shouldn’t) marry stemmed from his relationship with his boss, a Christian who had begun unofficially mentoring the young Jim. He encouraged Jim to consider the long-term effects of his relationship with Nina, questioning their spiritual compatibility and asking questions like, “Do you know the purpose of marriage?”
Four years later I encountered the same couple on yet another campus. My heart was stricken to see that they had been promoted, but their marriage difficulties had worsened. To think that they’d been given more responsibility and yet their marriage issues had been ignored broke my heart. I knew it did not honor God and I felt we were being irresponsible as an organization.
When he and Kimberlee met, they were in the singles group at their church. It was a gathering place for good fellowship and shared meals—not romantic relationships. John was drawn to her welcoming personality and they exchanged surface conversation. He thought she was nice; that’s all.